WARNING: This is gonna be a long read.
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The Country Bears
- Jerk's new intro for his debut on Channel Awesome has him call it "Channel Glasses That... Awesome With a Guy... Thing... family," an allusion to the recent name change of the company.
- To the Chirping Crickets response to Jerk.
Jerk: Great question, crickets!
- Jerk's opening monologue on the main page.
- "You can't really love something unless you're willing to mock it for all its worth. Just look at your children."
- Jerk dubs Disneyland to be "the second happiest place on Harbor Boulevard."
"...next to that Swedish massage parlor down the street."
- Jerk's reasoning for why anyone would ride something as corny as The Country Bear Jamboree: the line for Splash Mountain was too long and visitors just wanted some air conditioning.
- "So the movie starts out with of footage of-OOOOAAAAAAHHHH!!!"
- Before introducing Beary, he decides Screw This, I'm Outta Here! to go ride Splash Mountain, then he finds out the line for Splash Mountain is two miles long.
- The protagonist of the film is a bear named Beary Barrington, so Jerk follows that up by posing with the actual costume characters and dubbing them Ducky Duckingham, Micey Mousenvlad, and Zippo the Clown-faced Jerkwad. Even better is the reactions of the costume characters: Donald shakes his head, Mickey Facepalms, and Goofy... either didn't notice Jerk got his name wrong, or doesn't care.
- The Jerk asks how far he is into the movie:
Woman (off-screen): Four minutes!Jerk: Great.
- "This movie has literally no right to exist! It shouldn't exist, it can't exist! And yet it does! Or does it..." (creepy music plays, DVD box starts shaking, it hits Jerk in the face) "Ow!"
- When seeing that the film has, in addition to Beary, a roadie named "Roadie", and a chicken named "Mr. Chicken".
Jerk: It's economical to hire children to write your children's movies 'cause you can just pay them in candy! (holds up giant lollipops)
- Jerk insists he is not racist against bears, and even has bear friends.
Jerk: (posing with the characters from Brother Bear) Help me...
- Jerk's guessing game Running Gag with the D-list Disney stars touted in this movie.
Jerk: Hey look, it's Mandy Moore! (buzzer) Miley Cyrus! (buzzer) Ashlee Simpson! (buzzer) Vanessa Hudgens! (buzzer) Demi Lovato! (buzzer) Kylie Minogue! (buzzer) Nelly Furtado! (buzzer) ...Shania Twain? (buzzer) ...Bristol Palin? (buzzer) Umm... (Caption: Krystal Marie Harris) Krystal Marie Harris! I was so... gonna know it.(Later)Jerk: You're Carrie Underwood! (buzzer) Taylor Swift! (buzzer) Hilary Duff! (buzzer) Haylie Duff! (buzzer) Baby Spice! (buzzer) (Caption: Three Hours Later) ...Zac Hanson. (buzzer) Rue McClanahan. (buzzer) Krystal Marie Harris in a blond wig. (buzzer) I dunno... I should know this- (Caption: Jennifer Paige) Jennifer Pai- okay now you're just making up pop stars.
- After Zeb beats a rival musician in a music compeitition, Jerk laments that he spent $10,000 betting on the other musician.
- "Meanwhile, back at the Walken- OH GOD HE'S DEAD!!! (Walken sits up) ...oh... sorry."
- How does Jerk summarize Tennessee O'Neal (who, as Jerk describes him, is "whiny and neurotic")? "Bear Jew".
Jerk: Thanks, Brad.
- "WHEN WILL THE AUTOMAKERS LEARN?!"
- "Coming this Oscar season: Christopher Walken IS Joe Biden. Rated R."
- Jerk admits his affection for Christopher Walken's line: "That day... IS TONIGHT!!"
Jerk: The greatest line in cinema history is in The Country Bears, who knew?
- "Hey hundreds of people! Shut up!"
Ten Years of Disney California Adventure
- The new Channel Awesome opening begins with Jerk kissing his hair, saying: "Luscious locks!"
- Jerk returns ten years after California Adventure's opening, expecting to attend a huge anniversary and instead meets... a workwall.
- This ties into the Channel Awesome intro: "I WIN!"
- "You can't spell decade without DCA (Disney California Adventure). Or ECD (Elderly Cockroach Disease), or CAE (Charos Aborted Elephants) for that matter; it's all discussed in my two week seminar: 'How To Spell Things With Other Things', next month at the Madisson Radisson."
- "Yes, DCA is turning ten years old, and like most California ten year-olds it's getting its first facelift."
- To make room for DCA, Disneyland's new parking lot became the second-largest in the world, "dwarfed only by... the Detroit airport."
Jerk: Because if I lived in Detroit I'd want to leave too! If my car was built there, it'd probably get as far as the airport before it blew up.
- "Eisner really wanted to save up for his huge yacht to hold all his smaller yachts."
- Jerk's interpretation of why California Adventure was built, with then-CEO Michael Eisner as a Card-Carrying Villain.
Michael Eisner: Ve vant zhe tourists to schtay in ze park. Vhy do they leave ze park?
Disney Employee: Uh, well, uh, Mr. Eisner sir, according to the market research we've done, people leave so they can explore the rest of California!
Michael Eisner: Then ve vill bring the rest of California HEEEEEEEERE!!!
(lightning crashes as "The Bells of Notre Dame" plays)
Frederick Frankenstein: It! Could! Work!!!
- Jerk visiting the actual landmarks DCA has replicas of, just under a day's drive away.
Jerk: (at the Golden Gate Bridge) Yeah, it's okay but, if only it had a monorail going across it. (at the Palace of Fine Arts) Yeah, it's semi-breathtaking but, if only it had a Whoopi Goldberg film in it. (at entrance to Disneyland) Yeah, it's good but, if only it sucked, then you'd have something!
- Jerk's imagines how the tractor "ride" must have been thought up.
Jerk Exec: (on cellphone) We need something big, that will really attract people. Some... huge attractor.Jerk Worker: (taking notes) Huge... tractor, got it. (finishes note and groans)
- Jerk's parody of the California Adventure commercials, where Buzz tells Goofy to not go to the park because "nobody likes a nosy neighbor".
Buzz: Nah, they'll be alright; they have a tractor!Goofy: I thought I was supposed to be the idiot...
- Is It Still There?. All of it.
- The show is introduced as "America's only game show", hosted by Jerk, starring Jerk, and with the two contestants Jerk and Jerk.
- Both Jerks fail the first two questions so the final question is worth 100 points, "rendering this entire exercise meaningless."
- "Uh, who buzzed in? Jerk or Jerk?" "It was Jerk."
- The show ends with both of them losing and being shipped away for medical experiments.
- The dramatic music leading up to the park's central monument...
Jerk: A big ol' hubcap that looks almost exactly nothing like the sun. (gets up close to camera) It's like you wanna fail.
Jerk: It's the exact same ride, but now Mickey's on it! Hi Mickey! (waves) He never waves back.
- Later on, Jerk shows off the now-improved Ferris Wheel sun.
- Due to the parks failure, Jerk likens the park to an annoying neighbor that just won't move away.
Jerk: Sure he's got a cool flight simulator in his basement, but then you gotta talk to the guy. And he's boring.
- Don't worry parents! We've got booze!
- Jerk's extremely positive "complaints" about California Screamin'.
Jerk: There's no story so it's no good! Hmph!
- Jerk describes California Adventure as "the Jan Brady of theme parks, the Art Garfunkel of theme parks, the Disney California Adventure of theme parks..."
- After seeing the amazingness of Tokyo DisneySea.
Jerk: ...the Japanese beat us at something that combines technology with artistry?! How is that even possible?! We're way smarter than the- well, no. Our cartoons are way better- well no. Our sexual perversions- (sighs) We're taller! That's right! We! Are taller! Than them! USA! USA! USA- I'm gonna go get drunk...
- After introducing the very boring rides of "A Bug's Land".
Jerk: IT'S TOO EXCITING, I CAN'T STAND IT.
- When discussing Aladdin: The Musical.
Jerk: Apparently Aladdin was in California the whole time! (Caption: "When cameling on the I-5, visit beautiful Agrabah, CA.") Well, that does explain the customer service. (Clip of Jasmine about to get her hand chopped off for not paying for an apple.)
- "But even with three new things, DCA wasn't quite a match for the greatest thing of all time."
- "You saw nothing. (Neuralyzer flash'') "Cawwifornia."
- "Disney finally traded in the ESN in Eisner's name for a G."
- The talking Mr. Potatohead.
Jerk: (whispering) It's a real potato. We genetically mutated it. It's gonna kill us all sometime in the next five years. Shhh!
Mr. Potato Head: Let's try that again: "I love you, Mr. Potatohead!"Kids: I love you Mr. Potatohead!Jerk: It demands your worship.
- "By 2012, assuming the Mayans were wrong and this doesn't happen..." (Earth explodes)
- "A workwall means progress, a workwall means the future, a workwall means: 'come back and give us more of your hard-earned money next year.' And what could possibly be more Californian than that?"
Star Tours (The Original 1987 Classic)
- SJWAC's reaction to the Opening Scroll at the beginning.
SJWAC: Why are these words all backwards? (beat) Damn, kids.
- The conversation between the Star Wars re-enacters.
[Re-Enactor]: Wait, you're FOR blowing up planets?SJWAC: (defensively) I happen to think it looks cool.
- The Wire, Spazzmaster, and SJWAC's conversation about Some Jerk remaining "cautiously optimistic" about the new Star Tours.
Jerk: And now only this gift shop remains, until June 3rd when the new ride opens. But for better or worse it'll never be quite the same. Despite all our prays, the deal has been altered further. And I gotta tell ya. I. Am. Cautiously optimistic.The Wire and Spazzmaster: What?Jerk: I know, I'm surprised too, but I am cautiously optimistic.Spazzmaster: Jerk, what is wrong with you?The Wire: HE'S A WITCH.Jerk: Look, I'm sorry, but even after Jar-Jar and Greedo and Jake Lloyd and Hayden Christensen and Jar-Jar and Boss Nass and the rat tail and the midi-chlorians and Jar-Jar and all the CGI and Jar-Jar and Jar-Jar and Jar-Jar and the eternal C Span footage and that stupid fucking monologue about sand and all that "you get to see him as a little kid" bullshit. And even after (plays the clip of Darth Vader going "NOOooOOOoooOOOooo!"), (shrugs) I still remain cautiously optimistic. Sorry.The Wire: Jerk, you're friends are all here. So why don't you show us on the Ewok where Star Wars touched you?Jerk: (takes the Ewok toy) Look, I already told you, I must have been asking for it!
- One word: Ketchup.
Top 11 Florida Attractions Not in California
- The Jerk calls Florida a "dong-shaped Jew cemetery."
- Jerk's intro music for a video about Florida is "Enormous Penis" by Da Vinci's Notebook.
- Phil Buni's rants about Florida and Floridians.
- The Jerk gets photobombed and stops his show just to incite his viewers to hunt, torture, and kill the photobomber. While several people are photobombimg in the background during his pseudo-PSA.
- The new Channel Awesome outro has an Ironic Echo to the original footage when Jerk reveals that Maelstrom, one of his prior choices, has closed to be replaced by a Frozen ride:
Anti-Ranting Jerk: Let. It. Go.
- The Jerk's idea of what happened to Captain EO after the movie. He is tried in Galactic Superior Court where he is found guilty of insubordination. He and his sister (who is being punished for showing her nipple) are put on a colorless spaceship and sent to a deserted planet where they populate the world. And the descendants of their unholy incestuous union still live on that planet today. And that planet is called...EARTH!!!
- From the Channel Awesome intro:
SJWAC: "CAPTAIN EO IS STARLORD'S REAL FATHER! Fess up, Kevin Feige, I figured it all out, didn't I!?"
SJWAC: C'mon, at least he's gotta be Groot's real father! (Cue baby Groot dancing to Michael Jackson)
- The utterly bizarre montage that plays after Captain Eo flies.
- How he discusses the fact that Michael Jackson's real-life child molestation accusations turn the whole show into a "Funny Aneurysm" Moment. He invents a new show to replace it starring Charlie Sheen, Mel Gibson, Tiger Woods, Casey Anthony, Roman Polanski, and Osama bin Laden.
Halloween Time at Disneyland
- Jerk gathers his friends together to try and come up with a Halloween version of his show's name. After Spazzmaster refuses to help, Jerk comes up with an appropriate Halloween name: Spazzmaster Has No Penis.
- Some Jerk describing how not scary Disney is at Halloween time.
SJWAC: What kid with healthy imagination wouldn't get psyched over "Mickey's Not-so-Scary Halloween Party".(in black and white, dramatic music plays)SJWAC: It wasn't just scary, kids. I can handle scary. It was not so scary. (thunder strikes) I'm sorry, it's not an easy thing to relive. I think I might have PNSO, Post-Non-Traumatic Stress Order from just how not-so-scary it was. It was so not-so-scary that just remembering it is enough to drive even the toughest man sane. (giggling maniacally) I'm sorry, I was thinking of something really funny Craig Ferguson said last week. (in a demonic voice) But I digress. (whispering) It was not-so-scary, kids. It was not-so-scary.Rosenhacker: So how much fun do you think I would have had?SJWAC: Not much.Rosenhacker: Yay?
- Some Jerk talking about Ghost Galaxy (or Space Mountain) and trying to figure out what the galaxy ghost is.
SJWAC: All they change about the ride is the music, the lighting, and the projections and it feels like a totally different experience in which you get chased through the cosmos by... this thing, a fiery vengeful spirit demon ghost thing with... Can I get some help on this one from a ghost expert?Ray Stantz: What you have there is what we refer to as a focused non-terminal repeating phantasm.SJWAC: No, I meant a real ghost expert.SJWAC: No, I meant a non-fictional ghost expert. Just anyone with a basic cable show.Space Ghost: No.Conan O'Brien: FACE IT, SPACE GHOST!Space Ghost: No.Conan O'Brien: YOU'RE A SPACE MAN THAT CHOKED ON A MUFFIN!
- His parody of "What's This" during the review of "Haunted Mansion Holiday", ultimately ending with "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS??!!
- The Splash Mountain song.
- "Wow, this might actually be a one-part episode if I can keep my hilarious digressions to a minimum. Speaking of which, I read the most fascinating article on Lithuania the other day. It seems..."
It's Small World Holiday
- "I WAS RAPED BY IT'S A SMALL WORLD!"
- To the tune of Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious: "Donald Duck brand Orange Juice: It tastes like rancid goat piss!"
Andy: Now, Woody...he's been my pal for as long as I can remem-Andy: -never give up on you. Ever.
- And before that:
- Wanna know how much Jerk wants to suppress the song? If you listen carefully when he's talking about how The Lion King made fun of it, you can actually hear him replace Zazu singing "It's a Small World" with Jerk (as Zazu) singing "Psycho Killer", just like he promised he'd do every time he cut to a clip with the song.
- The Jerk's "Small World" parody song, which he uses to defeat the ride.
- He introduces a whole list of guest stars for the multi-part review. It starts out normal, featuring people who have either already appeared in the review but then it starts getting silly with a guy eating a sandwich listed as "President Gerald Ford", a guy doing backflips as "Big Skip McJimmy, The Wacky Abortionist", a cat falling off a table as "Former President of Chad Hissène Habré", and Texas Gov. Rick Perry as "Dickery Douche McDerpHitler, culminating with "Weird Al Yankasomething!" (credited as Wordd Efl Yarnkkelvllit.chy) Hilariously enough, Weird Al actually appears in the review!
Star Tours: The Adventure Continues
Thirty Years of EPCOT
- The Jerk goes to check out the new The Little Mermaid ride only to be entrapped by Chris Hansen (played by Il Neige), who took his remarks out of context and mistook him for trying to molest a teenage mermaid.
- The Jerk compares EPCOT to an STD: A wonderful burst of output followed by a lifetime of painful regret.
- The Jerk wonders why Germany, Italy, and Japan didn't get pavilions at EPCOT. He then uses his powers as a "Jewish controller of the media" to demand a Germany-themed ride. Cut to him getting onboard a train, saying, "If you kvetch long enough, things will happen to you!"
- The Jerk tries to riff "Ellen's Energy Adventure" only to find that Ellen has already thought of all his jokes. But he finally gets a victory when he realizes the caveman who makes "an important discovery" is played by Michael Richards. "He discovered the racial epithet!" Cue cheesy music and goofy dance.
- The Running Gag in which Jerk (and Phil Buni at one point) mentions a race of Bolivian mice genetically engineered by Disney to crawl inside the human brain before getting cut off for "cranial remodulocation."
- "Previously on ACID!"
- "So let's review. EPCOT was a failed Experiment. It wasn't really a Prototype of anything 'cause they never built another one. It wasn't a Community 'cause nobody lived there. And it didn't magically transport you to Tomorrow unless you fell asleep on Universe of Energy (which was quite likely). It was barely even Of."
- "If Spaceship Earth was a golf ball, you'd need a forty-four hundred foot club, and a seven-hundred foot dancing gopher! I gladly volunteer my services." And then there's the dance he does...
- The commentary is pretty straightforward for the most part, but things get interesting after Tony starts playing "My City of Ruins", a song he wanted to underscore a montage but, following Hurricane Sandy, he thought it'd be in poor taste to use it. It makes for pleasant background music, until Figment pops up and begins wreaking havoc, leading Tony to try and kill him in increasingly violent ways. Once the deed is done, the music continues playing from the "With these hands" part...then a chorus of Tonys (and Figment) start singing along and Tony sings some trivia about Eisner to the tune of the song. Then there's a record scratch, the song ends, and the commentary resumes as normal.
ABC Goes to Disney World!
- "Luscious locks" makes a return into the Channel Awesome new intro, now referring to literal door locks.
- "Remember the 1990s? That magical decade where Kurt Cobain became king of Pride Rock, Bill Clinton had an affair with a Velociraptor, and Quentin Tarantino sold Bart Simpson's soul for pogs in the Wicked-Wicked-Wild Wild West?"
- "I devoted an entire introductory episode just to explaining the concept, which I literally just explained in- ''seventy-one" -seconds. [...] Endure!"
- Jerk's depicts the ABC laugh track audiences as being so brainwashed as to laugh at everything, including Michelle Tanner saying cutesy snarks, "That's a lotta fish" from Godzilla (1998), and even Simba finding his father dead from The Lion King. Bonus points in that the shot of the audience laughing at the last scene includes Jerk himself laughing in the crowd.
- Jerk parodies Walt Disney's early "infomercial" documentaries about the building of Disneyland with an informercial of his own.
Spazz!Narrator: Tired of the tired of thrillful drudgeries of rollercoasters?The Wire: There's got to be a better way!Spazz!Narrator: Introducing Disneylandia, a coaster-free experience guaranteed to enhance your life.Il Neige: Wait-wait-wait, so are you telling me an amusement park could actually enhance my life?Jerk: Who are you?Spazz!Narrator: I'm over here.Il Neige: (turns around) Wait-wait-wait, so are you telling me an amusement park could actually enhance my life?Spazz!Narrator: Why, just listen to these convincing testimonies.Rosenhacker: Thanks to Disneylandia, I learned to believe in everything!Mike Eddy: I learned how to be happy and smile more.Spazz!Narrator: I learned exactly why God kills people!Jerk: ...what's a Disneylandia-All: Thanks, Disneylandia!!!
- "And The Mouse had very little to do with ABC until the 1980s, when a former ABC senior vice president named *picture of Michael Eisner is displayed* 'Oh God, him again' became the new CEO of Disney."
- When Eisner and Mickey ride the Sky Tram.
- Jerk's most meta gag yet: After the fake commercial is over, he wipes the grainy film off the screen and shoves the letterbox aside with his elbows.
- Jerk's ABC theme show parody, which plays a dozen theme songs simultaneously in an inaudible cacophony, stars him as every character, keeps going well after it should have ended, and results in him trying to escape it, to the point that he shoots him, nukes his city, and then is car-chased by it live on the Golden Gate Bridge. In fact, it ends up resembling a certain show openings parody that debuted a year later...
- "Edited by Tony Goldmark and Tony Goldmark's Illegal Download of Adobe Premiere. Format Ripped Off From Doug Walker and Jim Hill."
- Jerk's Escape from Tomorrow parody.
- Jerk attempts to pass himself off as Elvis back from the dead, now in the "lucrative field of Internet reviewing".
Jerk!Elvis: (Glasses Pull) You know, they don't shoot me below the waist neither. (Dances to "Jailhouse Rock")
Jerk: They kicked me out for my Elvis dance, the bloody Philistines. Also I drunkenly urinated on the Walt statue. Also it's a block-out day.The Wire: Well that's just what you get for using the front gate like a sucker! (Beat) Disney cops. Gotta run!
- Jerk notes the laugh tracks still playing during the Disney World episodes, and wonders if the audiences were forced to tag along to laugh at the characters.
Jerk: (''canned laughter) Can we go ride rides now?ABC Exec: NO! We're paying you to laugh, not to have fun!
- "Can you imagine having Disney World being advertised at you this incessantly? Even without other sh-" (Cut to Blip Disney World midroll ad, before Jerk blows it up with the TNT from Toontoon.)
- After Jerk gets trapped inside a TV, he only has to mention the Disney World episode of Full House before the TV vomits him out.
Full House Goes to Disney World!
- The title card illustration for the review: With a camera set up, a mic, a light commanding laughter, the little Olsen twins smiling in an eerie manner, a sweaty smiling zombie like Danny, a sweaty smiling zombie like Uncle Joey holding a hand puppet, a sweaty looking Jerk, and Uncle Jesse looking sweaty and bright-eyed.
- The "memorial" card before the review:
This video is dedicated to all the men and women who were tragically killed or injured in the Disneyland dry ice bombing of May 28, 2013. All zero of them. Never forget.
- Calling Uncle Jesse Mystique's ex-husband.
- Mocking Aunt Becky for asking if they get to be together in the honeymoon suite.
Jerk: Nope all Disney Honeymoon suites are in separate rooms. Just in case a monorail crashes through the wall due to gross incompetence, we wouldn't want the kids to see what you're doing, now would we kids? (cuts to a room full of bored children) We wouldn't want to see the lurid, sexual kinds of deviancy I'm about to describe to you in graphic detail now would we? You see kids, when a Mommy and a Daddy, and another Mommy and a coconut love Kahlua very, very much....
- Jerk trying not to comment on Michelle claiming she gags if she doesn't sit next to the window seat.
- Cutting to clips of Tea Party demonstrations when Michelle suggested a tea party with the Disney characters.
- Poking fun at how the characters split into subplots.
"They'll never find me here."
- Making Alanis Morissette references about Uncle Joey.
- Voiceovers done for Chip and Dale poking fun at Aunt Becky and Uncle Jesses' anniversary lunch date being missed, at Becky for thinking Jesse would never forget their date and at Jesse for divorcing Mystique.
- FUN FACT: This man was talking to chipmunks less than a minute ago.
- Poking fun at Uncle Joey getting high while cartooning.
- "I finally cracked! AWESOME!"
- "I see you've found the peyote. Leave at least a little for Katzenberg, will ya?"
- Jerk calls Child Services for the Tanners not taking the girls to Disneyland (despite not hurting for money and living in California).
- He's put on hold.
- And the hold song is Nirvana's "Rape Me".
- He's put on hold.
- The Aladdin references and calling them out for missing a chance to make a joke that breaks the fourth wall by having just D.J.'s boyfriend appear as Aladdin.
Full House. We're too lazy for lazy.
- Pointing out the Unfortunate Implications of having a kid make any wish they want (world domination, a trillion dollars, and making Eisner eat his beloved cat).
And thus began the horrifying, bloodthirsty reign of Ol-sen the Inspid!
- "Sic Semper Tyrannus, Bitch!"
- All the dark comedy jokes about the older girls plotting to kill Michelle and one where Michelle wanders off, with voiceovers by Jerk.
D.J: Conference.Jerk! As D.J.: Let's leave our six year old sister completely unattended in public so we can discuss how we're going to kill her. I say we take her out in Great Moments with Mr. Lincoln in Maximum Irony.Jerk! As Stephanie: They don't have that here.Jerk! As D.J.: You're kidding.Jerk! As Stephanie: No, all we have is the Hall of Presidents, bitch will probably make us do that 20 times.Jerk! As Kimmy: Look, we've discussed this before, no matter how many Olsen Twins you kill, they'll just keep regenerating. You have to find the head Olsen twin and impale her with a broad sword.Jerk! As Stephanie: Awww, all I brought was two scimitars and a dagger. I brought them through security because 9/11 hasn't happened yet.Jerk! As D.J.: What's 9/11?Jerk! As Stephanie: I don't know.
Jerk! As Michelle: La la la! I like candy! And I trust everyone! La la la!
- Making fun of Stephanie's feelings being trivialized.
Jerk: Do you trivialize Social Issues too?Jerk! As Stephanie: It's just not fair that we don't have marriage equality.Jerk! As Uncle Joey: Well if you let a man marry another man, what's to stop a man from marrying two hermaphrodites and a fish? Or a triceratops from marrying an aborted fetus? From a woman from not marrying at all? Sooner or later Steph, you might just wish you did kill your sister.Jerk! As Stephanie: What?Jerk! As Uncle Joey: I talked to a cartoon today.Jerk! As Stephanie: Great! Go bug him.
- Finally Michelle stops acting like, quote, "a selfish twat this week" and passes the crown to Stephanie.
Michelle: I'm defecting to SeaWorld while the revolution attacks you!
- Jesse and the Rippers take the Castle stage!
Jerk: It's like watching Pat Boone and Michael Bolton playing hockey in a vat of whipped cream and rice! It's so white...it's blinding me!!!!!!!!
- Jerk's rant about this episode.
Uncle Joey: Yes San Francisco and live from Disney World...Jerk: Are you even listening to yourself? Why are you broadcasting across the damned country? Why is Snow White a deejay? Why is your booth promoting a radio station you can't even get there? Why are there characters in the crowd? How the fuck are those fireworks so legible? How the shit are either of you eligible for a contest if your Uncle's been hired to perform there? (sees Uncle Joey dance with Snow White) Why in the name of Jehovah is any of this happening!?!?Metatron: I believe the answers that you seek lie within my companion.(Jerk looks horrified while Alanis Morissette gets Uncle Joey's and Snow White's heads exploding while singing "You Oughta Know")Jerk: Okay! Okay! I get it! Luckily my hair is so long I couldn't hear that.
- Jerk screaming when he sees Steve Urkel and the beginning of the stinger for this and all the multi-part reviews to come:
To be continued...Girls: Michelle? Michelle, where are you?
- Jerk telling Olivia Wilde that having his baby won't solve anything and then yelling "How is TRON: Legacy my fault?"
- The credits rolling with Weird Al Yankovic's polka of "You Oughta Know".
Family Matters Goes to Disney World!
- The title card with Jerk on a log for Splash Mountain stopping to drown Steve while a box of Urkel-Os floats by.
- Jerk's rant about Urkel.
Jerk: (regarding Urkel's catchphrase) Of course you're the one who fucking did that! You're the most that-doing motherfucker in the multiverse!
- Upon revealing that Urkel got a girlfriend by the sixth season, Jerk is given a note stating that half of the audience for the video killed themselves in response... which prompts Jerk to wonder what the other half is waiting for.
- Calling the Winslow family the Matters.
- His insert of Stefan when Laura mentions Stefan Urquelle.
- His rant about how Family Matters is a nerd minstrel show and how real nerds aren't this clumsy. He then does the same clumsy antics Urkel did.
- His reaction to the camera zooming in at Carl:
Jerk: Oh my God! He's getting bigger!
- All the Die Hard clips used when involving Carl, even after Richie makes a snarky comment, followed by the sound of a gunshot before cutting to Al Powell (Reginald Vel Johnson's character in Die Hard) talking about how he shot a kid.
Jerk (As Powell): Luckily, it turns out that's not illegal in Florida.
- "This November, Steven Urkel becomes Buddy Love...I mean Stefan Urquelle."
- Even pointing out Carl being an Ungrateful Bastard after talking about how no Steve in Disney World is great, despite "The bastard taking me to Disney World!"
- Cinderella seating Laura at a throne with a cutaway to a film clip where a man is about to torture his seated captive.
Jerk: Who the fuck is Laura Winslow? This is a show about the Family Matters. That's Laura Matters, Carl Matters, Harriette Matters, Marshall Matters, Grandma Matters, and Jerry Matters as The Beaver.
- Same scene, after watching the elaborate set up Stefan did for Laura, Jerk states he should've just hired a hooker since it's cheaper.
- "Can you believe we're on the same stage that Jesse and the Rippers performed? It's my generation's Woodstock."
- His expression at hearing Laura's last name:
- His confusion over whether the proposal is a dream sequence or was occurring in the plot and the overreaction to Laura stating "Ketchup" as yes to the marriage proposal.
- His rant about how Disney World is "wasted on you people" and then starts to correct himself before he dives into the pond.
- The Phil Buni non-union replacement ranting about Florida as a reaction to Carl wanting to move to Orlando after spending time in Disney World :
Replacement: Florida is the worst thing to happen in the history of worst things! It is so backwards, it makes the guy behind me totally walk backwards! Everyone in Florida is an abortion. Millions of abortions walking around, talking to each other, not even knowing they're abortions, because they're so dumb. In Florida, they don't even incarcerate their murderers, because if you're murdered in Florida, at least because you don't have to live in Florida.
- The sounds of bees occurring during on-screen kisses.
- Mocking Stefan for moving Myra to another spot nearby just to tell her the bad news, laments how Urkel of all people has two gorgeous girlfriends fighting over him, and then ranting at the asteroid from Captain EO for breaking his heart.
- The celebrations for Stefan stating he'll never be Steve again.
- Rip out my Urkel lovin' heart!
- Stating the difference between Canadian Pooh and Italian Pooh.
- Him telling Laura that just because life is based on a lie doesn't mean she can't be happy.
Jerk: No, look, just because your life is a lie doesn't mean you can't be happy. Just look at me! My whole life is a lie and I'm happy as a clam! I've never told anyone this but I am Nicole Simpson's real killer. Yeah. And I shot Tupac. And Biggie. And JFK. And JR Ewing. I escaped from Gitmo twice and I still have the tag to prove it. I- I– I- *pause* I am Jack the Ripper. And the Zodiac Killer. And Keyser Söze. And the undercover cop in Reservoir Dogs. Uh, I started the goddamn Chicago fire. I canceled Firefly! I'll confess to whatever you want just please for the love of god don't bring Urkel back from the dead.
- His facepalming after Urkel came back and then Sursum Ursa's outraged reaction to his rant:
- This gem:
Urkel: It alters my DNA code on a genetic level, changing me into a completely different person.Jerk: I call it a retardis!
- David Lander's character's reaction to Urkel being played over and over as gospel music from The Blues Brothers are played.
This is an outrage! You are an embarrassment to science, technology, and pants. You're a fraud!Jerk: Preach it Squiggy!
- The end of The Stinger
Disney World Ad: Disney World. Even we don't think you should live here!
Roseanne Goes to Disney World!
- The title card. Takes place in It's a Small World, with Roseanne and Dan looking crankily at Jerk while he watches the boats of people behind them start getting hysterical or burning, and Jerk getting a message on his walkie-talkie begging him out.
- Comments that certifiably crazy people make the best tv...sometimes. Then cuts to a clip of Roseanne interviewing Weird Al on her short-lived talk show.
- The Running Gag about Roseanne ruining Disney Animation.
- Talking about how Roseanne did a going to Disney World two parter and right after "Edelweiss Gardens" episode came on satirizing or not satirizing Disney World.
- He equates It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia as Roseanne's spiritual successor.
Jerk: People tend to forget how un family-friendly Roseanne was at the time and yet she got a Disney World episode. Because even the...no especially the world's most selfish, despicable, back-stabbing monsters still deserve to wait in line for Big Thunder Mountain right in front of you!Darlene: And yet another federal offense I witnessed in this house.Jerk: And if you sent that kind to Disney World today...(Music for It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia comes on) "The Gang Accidentally Burns Down EPCOT": It's Always Sunny In Lake Buena Vista
- Jerk wonders how he's going to review the Connor Family going to Disney World, especially since the show had more cynical jokes than the previous sitcoms and was more self-aware. All he can point out are inaccuracies.
Jackie: I was readin' about this. You know, this used to be all Orange Groves.Banky Edwards: Wrong coast.Jackie: But that's not what one Mr. Walt Disney saw, he saw that lake, he saw that castle!Jerk: (standing at EPCOT) He mostly saw a giant unfeasible city of the future that never happened before he dropped dead. But on the other hand...movie clip!The Dude: Not wrong, Walter, you're just an asshole!Walter: Okay then.
- All the references to John Goodman's films, including The Big Lebowski and King Ralph.
- His answer to Aunt Jackie being stressed over how to squeeze in vacation time.
Jerk: Oh, come on, Andy's Mom, just get Andy's Dad. How hard can it be to get him out of Gitmo?
- Jerk snarks at their hotel activities:
Mark: Man, steak for breakfast. I feel like, like, Merv Griffin!Jerk! As Merv Griffin: Dead! (fakes a heart attack)
- Remarking on how "When You Wish Upon A Star" was so easily replaced by something more appropriate....The 1812 Overture!
- The crowd looking at Spaceship Earth, and then he remarks that he stared at it so long, he swore it moved.
- Dan in Germany at EPCOT's World Showcase
Dan: So where's Sgt. Shultz?Dr. King Shultz: These days I practice a new profession... bounty hunting.WE APOLOGIZE FOR CUTTING TO SUCH A PAINFULLY OBVIOUS MOVIE CLIP, AND INSTEAD CUT TO THIS TOTALLY DIFFERENT MOVIE CLIP.(Rewinds and then repeats Dan's question and the clip)NO, I SAID A DIFFERENT MOVIE CLIP. LIKE, I DUNNO, MAYBE CHARLES DURNING YELLING "SHULTZ!" IN "TO BE OR NOT TO BE" OR SOM— WAIT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHA—WHAT ARE YOU...?(Dr. Shultz fires a pistol, presumably hitting Col. Erhardt)Col. Erhardt: Shultz!The Dude: Fucking Nazis.Jerk! As King Ralph: Seriously, I'm the King and my name is Ralph!
- This joke was just too soon.
Bev: Oh look at us we're the three Mouseketeers. Except I'm the only one with the stuff to be Annette.Jerk: Yeah, you do look like you'd die in a coma.(gets punched)
- Jerk doesn't like Darlene much.
David: You know, DJ, I think it'd be fun to just sit with Darlene.Darlene: You're not going to be just sitting, David. In a minute, I'm going to have you go fetch me a CokeJerk!As David: (Smiling) I'm back with your Coke (giggles and throws it in her face)
- What Does This Look Like! after Winnie-the-Pooh starts hugging Darlene, implying that the two are humping each other but everyone viewing the Dumbo ride down and the Sky Way was working.
- The reference to two characters played by Johnny Galecki and David's favor of flannel.
Leonard Hofstadter: flannel
- The clips of the Edelweiss Gardens episode and saying that it seemed as though the show was making fun of Disney World...or not.
- Stating that Roseanne just chewed off Phil Buni's head off and his last words cursed Florida.
- Jerk (as a Roseanne writer) getting shot in the head by a statue of Walt Disney for insulting Disney.
- Wondering who Darlene's baby daddy is...David? Or...
Jerk!As Keith Richards! As Winnie-the-Pooh: Oh, don't act so surprised, mate! Everyone knows I've had more illegitimate cubs than you've had sandwiches! (chuckles) I don't even bother to wear pants, mate!Jerk: Please don't call me mate.Jerk!As Keith Richards! As Winnie-the-Pooh: Well, you want to know something else, luv?Jerk: What else?Jerk: Ewwww!!!!! Gawd!
- Or did Walt somehow put his seed in Darlene?
- At the end of the review, Jerk complains that there was a lack of cheesiness in the episode and he was starving from the lack of it, then sees he's reviewing Step by Step. Then takes a large bite of a hunk of Swiss cheese.
- There are two different versions of the end credits with different songs, both used so well that it's hard to tell which one was funnier: k.d. lang's "Little Patch of Heaven" or Roseanne's butchering of the American National Anthem.
- The moral of the story? Winnie-the-Pooh does have a Hundred Acre Wood!
Step by Step Goes to Disney World!
- The title card with a dazed Jerk holding a Polaroid of the Foster-Lambert family with Cody/Flash crossed out with Patrick Duffy's character looking hunched over and a spastic looking Carol entitled: Memories? There is also a billboard in the background telling people to eat at Pinetta's.
- The Running Gag that the show is so unmemorable that Jerk forgets it just a few seconds after watching it.
Jerk: Oh boy, a new show with Patrick Duffy! I like him! (munches popcorn) Wow! Patrick Duffy's in this show too! He looks great for his age. (munches more popcorn) Holy shit, is that Patrick Duffy? Wow, this show just gets better and better. (notices popcorn) This is popcorn! I love popcorn! Hahaha- where am I?
- "This show is like a televised blue pill; You took it and you instantly forgot everything about it!"
Jerk: Say, remember the show Step By Step?Spazz: No.Jerk: Me neither!(he smiles into space while Spazz stares at him)
- "I watched this episode earlier to prepare and then instantly forgot everything about it, so excuse me while I watch it again." (Caption: Forty-four minutes later)
- "So they go to Disney World thanks to their grandmother..." (one minute later) "So they go to Disney World thanks to their grandmother, played by June Lockhart of all people..." (two and a half minutes later) What am I doing again? Oh yeah, this shit. So they go to Disney World thanks to their grandmother, played by June Lockhart of all people...
- It even makes its way into the Clip Show parody Channel Awesome intro.
- After JT blows all of his and Rich's money over a date.
Rich: As soon as I can scrounge up enough money for bus fare, I'm heading back to Port Washington and find myself a new friend.Jerk!Rich: And then I'm gonna be in A Goofy Movie, and Spirited Away, and Fairly Oddparents, I'm gonna get tons of voice work you're GONNA GET SHOT IN BOTH ARMS OVER A TRAFFIC DISPUTE!!!
- "This joke brought to you by IMDb: What you do instead of things!"
- Jerk musing over the rollercoaster in the "county fair" opening of the show.
Jerk: As a side note, that thing must be a bitch to lug from county to county every summer. (sees the Six Flags Sky Tower in the background) Ohhh, it's Magic Mountain, that makes perfect sens- HOLY SHIT THE I-5 HAS FLOODED!! IT'S THE APOCALYPSE!!! AAAAAAAAAAAA-
- After recapping the episode's plot, a Cliché Storm of plot points from previous ABC Disney World episodes:
Sgt. Powell: They got the universal terrorist's playbook, and they're running it step by step.Offscreen Jerk: WRONG PARK!
- "And now my Step by Step review is stealing Die Hard references from my Family Matters review. Have you no shame?!"
- When Jerk sees the mother is named Carol just like the mother from The Brady Bunch.
Jerk: It was already blatant Brady Bunch ripoff and they had the gall to name the mother with hair of gold "Carol", out of all the female names. You know what, I actually kinda admire that. So many writers go to such great length to hide their thieving hackery, and this show flat-out embraced it. I mean, Mark Zuckerberg didn't call his site "Winkelbook", Vanilla Ice didn't call that song "Ice Ice Pressure", and I sure as hell don't start every show saying-Jerk!Nostalgia Critic: Hellooo, I'm the Vacation Critic. I encounter it because you don't get to! Do you ever start out a sentence very calmly and rationally, AND THEN EXPLODE INTO A FIT OF RAGE FOR NO GOOD REASON?!?! This is Step by Step!Jerk: You know why I don't do that? Because I. Don't. Know. Why. Either. I've forgotten everything again. ...what am I doing?
- "Doesn't summer vacation last longer than one week? Apparently not! Fuckin' Obama..."
- After Carol tells Dan some innuendo-laced teases in front of their infant child:
Jerk!Lilly': Every time I see a Disney park commercial I just start screaming and puking and I don't know why. I can't even watch Blip anymore-Jerk!Therapist: What the hell is Blip...Jerk!Lilly: And it's even worse with their new ad campaign.Commercial: Disney World: Where your parents have sex.(Later)Grandma: Jean-Claude and I have plans.Commercial: Disney World: Where your grandma has better sex.
- Jerk's utter confusion over the characters' going to a fictional Disney World restaurant called "Pinetta's." The closest equivalent he finds is a an obscure restaurant in Louisiana.
Jerk: Was it this hard to find an expensive restaurant in Disney World?! The freaking churros have installment plans!
- So, is anyone else a little unnerved by how horny everyone is...
Commercial: Disney World: Basically an orgy with churros.
- When the girls learn about a country music contest for a college scholarship.
Jerk!Southerner: 'Cause if there's one thing we country folk love, it's higher edumacation! Ain't that right, Mater?Jerk!Mater: Sure! I hired me a Cajun last week! Then I ran him over for talking French!
- After Dana calls Karen the "queen of the Nashville Nazis".
Jerk: I've just found the name of my new cover band.Jerk!Hitler: RIP OUT MY URKEL-LOVING HEART, LORD, LORD! DON'T YOU RIP OUT MY URKEL-LOVING SOOUUULLL!!!
- Jerk's parody commercials, which include a very ear-painful Patrick Duffy commercial and a surreal Thighmaster commercial.
Commercial: So it's easy to squeeze, squeeze, squeeze, squeeze, SQUEEZE, SQUEEZE, SQUEEZE, SQUEEZE-
- Jerk's song for the "inspirational montage"? "Learning To Read Made Me Cool", an obvious community service contractual requirement.
- When the show has a Critical Research Failure during the subplot of Flash riding every Disney World ride.
Flash: As soon as I'm done with Astro Orbiter, I'm on my way to Alien Encounter.Mark: Negative, repeat, that's a negative, Flash. Plans have changed on Alien Encounter. Access route is impeded. Parade in progress.Jerk: ...but, both those things were in Tomorrowland. The parades never went through Tomorrowland.Mark: Please choose alternate route going through Fantasyland, and proceed directly to Jungle Cruise, over.Jerk: That does go through the parade! Are you insane?! You- ...you're trying to sabotage him. You commie bastard, you were working for the Ruskies this whole time! You diabolic-Jerk!Mark: (points gun) Just back away, man. You have no idea how high this goes.Jerk: ...take it easy, alright, it's just a theme park-Jerk!Mark: IT'S NEVER JUST A THEME PARK! This involves the NSA, the World Bank, S.H.I.E.L.D., Rob Ford! You think Pinetta's was erased from history by accident? IT KNEW TOO MUCH!!Jerk: Calm down, okay? I mean, it's Step by Step, I'm going to forget everything about this episode the instant it's over, it's Step by Step- oh my god.Jerk!Mark: What?Jerk: The show's called Step by Step, and it's about stepsiblings.Jerk!Mark: Whoa...Jerk: I literally just this moment noticed that.Jerk!Mark: Holy Christ on a cracker...Jerk: This show is deep!Jerk!Mark: I know, right?Jerk: So, we still on for bowling on Thursday?Jerk!Mark: Only if you buy the shoes!
- After seeing Flash being suddenly hired to play Indiana Jones in the Indiana Jones Epic Stunt Spectacular, Jerk plays a movie montage of characters yelling "NOOOO!!!" that lasts for almost a whole minute.
- "Where do you draw the line between suspension of disbelief and false advertising?"
Commercial: Disney World: Where your kids perform death-defying stunts in front of thousands of witnesses and the restraints on thrill rides are optional because Mickey Mouse ice cream bars give you the power to fly and if you buy two of every plush toy your mom and dad will get back together and grandma will finally wake up!
- After that brief bout of Illinois Smith and the Temple of Dumb, Jerk forgives the episode's events, just as long as it doesn't retread any of the previous Disney World episodes' mistakes... and the VERY NEXT CLIP is of the brothers riding the (just-recently augmented with an extra drop the WEEK the episode aired) Twilight Zone Tower of Terror. And the bellhop in this clip looks EXACTLY like the one in the "Family Matters" episode.
- After Flash breaks the world record for riding all the Disney World rides in under 4 days:
Jerk: And two years later Animal Kingdom opened and his record got smeared with an asterisk. (Super Mario Bros. Death music)
Boy Meets World Goes to Disney World!
- "You know, this whole time I've been trying to do a nice review show of sitcoms that joined cults. The Full House Jonestown episode was a heartwarming masterpiece!"
- Jerk cautions the viewers prior to something he's surprised made it past ABC's censors: Eric's decoy Cory doll. Or, as Jerk calls it, "the ABC 'Let's go to Disney World!' sitcom's first hilarious joke".
- Right as it seems like Cory is about to prevent the episode from continuing (by simply talking to Topanga), Mickey Mouse demands he go to Disney World, otherwise there'd only be one show promoting Disney World that night.
Dante Hicks: Bunch of savages in this town.
- Mickey then goes on an evil rant about how he is now ever so much closer to getting his revenge for Ben Savage's brother, Fred, promoting Universal Studios, with the ending bars of "Savages" getting ever louder in the background.
- The inexplicable lack of bees during on-screen kisses.
- The parody Disneyland ad promoting stalking... which turns into a psychotic rant from the narrator to a girl he's harassing. And then it turns out Jerk is watching that very ad on his phone.
Jerk: (sigh) Same fuckin' commercial every time... (mockingly lip-syncs to the commercial, complete with hand mouth) "Why won't the universe accept me as it's rightful ruler?! All the other universes do! Infidels will be sent to the gulags! Meatloaf Bangladesh!"
- That same ad makes a return appearance later as the director (also voiced by Jerk) yells at the aforementioned PA.
- "And so Cory and Shawn... sleep in a Splash Mountain log, because ABC is officially fucking with me at this point[.]"
- "Excuse me, Mr. Beast, we're looking for a girl-" "Join the fucking CLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUB!!!"
- Jerk's slow-burn realization that this episode is also a mini-Step by Step crossover.
- When discussing how apparently several TGIF sitcoms take place in the same universe, Jerk concludes that TGIF was "THE AVENGERS OF THE NINETIES"note . Complete with Urkel being Iron Man, the Cory decoy as the Hulk and Michelle Tanner as Thor.
- The Wire tells Jerk that TV characters can't see or hear them when he talks to them.
Jerk: So when I'm home alone watching TV I don't have to wear clothes?Wire: Unless it's me!Jerk: Well that is a load off my mind.Wire (in the distance): Seriously, unless it's me!
Sabrina The Teenage Witch Goes to Disney World!
- "Previously On Next Time" (fast-forwards through the entire episode) "And now, in slow motion."
- Jerk's nickname for the show and Animal Kingdom: "Girl Meets Other World" and "Epcot 2: Acoustic Zoogaloo."
- "Magic: Because Fuck You"
- After Sabrina casually whines about causing El Niño during a magic exam:
Jerk: Millions of innocent people lost everything they own including their lives at my hand. Their tears will haunt my dreams forever! (Wah-wah sound effect)Narrator: That's next week on That Darn God!
- The frequent Harry Potter references, including dubbing her witch exams as her "O.W.L.S." and claimed she needs to practice her "Gobblydegook" (goblin language).
- After Sabrina's teacher Mr. Kraft gives the cast their hotel numbers while at the entrance of Animal Kingdom:
Jerk!Kraft: As you can see, I've brought you all the way here to the park entrance only to send you away to your hotel rooms! Wasn't that a nice trip? You see, I psychologically torture you young ones to compensate for being one of the greatest comedians of my generation and yet... stuck playing a clueless principal on ABC. ...well, at least it's not a clueless dad on Fox.
- The sketch after Sabrina's aunts use a fossilized bone to resurrect a caveman in which Sabrina's aunt (played by the Wire) keeps killing Sabrina (also played by the Wire) and resurrecting her after 100 years to solve her sitcom-y problems.
Wire!Sabrina: My history homework doesn't make any sense. When did we go to war with Legoland?
- His reference to the Weird Al Show:
Jerk: But 'insert other thing that Caroline Rhea has done here' here helps Harvey escape the bitch by turning him into Weird Al's hamster!"Weird Al" Yankovic: Run Harvey run! Faster! Faster!Jerk: But then that show got cancelled, so he became a safari tour guide whatever!
- Jerk decides to cap up his look at the "the Disney World sitcoms on ABC" with a musical number to the tune of "The Freakin' FCC". At the end of the song, Jerk stands frozen with a smile on his face, mentally pleading for this to actually be the end. Cue the announcement of the next episode: "ABC Goes to DisneyLAND!"
ABC Goes to Disney LAND!
- Picking up from the end of the previous episode's musical number, Jerk proceeds to launch into this video as if nothing happened, even brushing away a credit since "[he's] not done yet".
- Concerning the According to Jim two-parter "When You Wish Upon A Star", set on the Disney Cruise Line:
(cut to Jim Belushi doing just that)(cut to Jim checking his watch)
- "Jim Belushi drowning in a sea of diarrhea!"
- After starting to describe the plot of the two-parter in further detail, Jerk says that he doesn't give a shit about the Disney Cruise Line, abruptly switching topics to "George Goes to Disneyland".
- "...dad, the TV's talking to me again..." "I'll call the exorcist." "Yaaaaay!"
- After it's revealed that the episode had a contest running along side it, finding hidden Mickeys to win a trip to Disneyland, Spazzmaster gets excited over the notion, only for Jerk to angrily respond that it's "not the time".
- Jerk assures us that this contest won't distract them from the episode's story since it has none.
- As it happens, a decent chunk of the hidden Mickeys could only be found if you were watching in widescreen, something not many people had in 2004. And to make matters worse, the DVD set the episode came on is cropped to "fullscreen", proving (at least to Jerk) that "evidently, the studio thinks this show's target audience still can't afford widescreen!"
Jerk!George Lopez: You can win a vacation to Disneyland if you can afford a trip to Disneyland! All you have to do is give all that precious money (gestures to Mickey head) to this thing!(cut to ABC bumper)
- The return of Pinetta's.
- Quite possibly Jerk's most famous joke yet: The New Twilight Zone Tower of Terror The New Twilight Zone Tower of Terror The New Twilight Zone Tower of Terror The New Twilight Zone Tower of Terror The New Twilight Zone Tower of Terror — how do we get out of this?
Back to the Future: The Ride
- The Nostalgia Critic cameos and chides the Jerk for taking so long to put out another video. He also insists that every review of a Back to the Future product have at least one bad Doc Brown impersonation, leading to a Terrible Interviewees Montage of Doc impersonators.
- In Part 3, Critic interrupts again to criticize Jerk for improperly handling a scene in which Doc Brown, played by Christopher Lloyd, sends the time machine back to the ice age, "a day when everything was frozen".
- Jerk's very Long List of things that have now changed because the ride went so far back in time. To prevent the following quote from turning into a mess of potholes, a list of each work the Jerk references in the following sentence can be found here.
Jerk: George Bailey was never born, Buckbeak was put down, Mr. Peabody was put down, the Doctor stole the Supreme Being's map, the Rainmaker killed all the Loopers, Austin Powers' mojo was turned into Soylent Green, Ted Theodore Logan got sent to Military School in Alaska where he knocked up Sarah Palin's dog and created a dog man who evolved into the Morlocks who worship Sonmi-451 and use seashells for toilet paper, Bill Murray got stuck in a time warp, Tom Cruise got stuck in a time warp (Beat) again, Homer fixes his toaster, Fry had sex with his grandma, Blendin wins at Globnar, Time Cop arrested Ashton Kutcher, Boglodites invaded Earth, Bowler Hat Guy's Bowler Hat enslaved the Robinsons, Turkeys prevented the first thanksgiving, Rob Coudrey joined Motley Crue, Pottersville was sued into bankruptcy by J. K. Rowling, Captain Kirk was Chris Pine, Marty McFly was Eric Stoltz, the drug dealer in Pulp Fiction was Michael J. Fox, Peyton Reed was fired from this ride and replaced by Edgar Wright and everyone loved the results (But it still closed), the Lizard People all got existential crises, Mike Nelson was replaced by his brother Eddie, Jeff Wringer rolled a one and everyone turned evil, Miranda July's cat died, some french guy reconnected with a women he saw once, Donnie Darko (Beat) I don't know, Skynet created the sentinels and killed everyone, aliens raised the dead, apes control the planet, 9/11 never happened, the Omega-13 destroyed the UNIVERSE...
- The Cloud Atlas reference when talking about Biff Tannen:
Jerk: The manure-hating douchebag, whose manure-hating douchebagginess transcended generations, through centuries and centuries of Tannens, in an almost Nietzschean loop of Eternal Recasting.Jerk!Old!Biff: No matter what you do, it will never amount to more than a drop of manure in a limitless butthead.Jerk!Young!Biff: But what is a butthead, if not a multitude of manure?
- The "2015: Year of the future" sequence, featuring many wonderful inventions, and most of all, absolutely NO INTERNET!
"Uh oh, it's late October! Where are all the Halloween decorations? (Beat) Shut up."
- "The Great Clintonian Sperm Purge!"
- "The equally Great Clintonian Perm Splurge!"
- Pretty much anything with the multiple Jerks.
- Jerk gets his brain melted by a Gosh Dang It to Heck! montage. And it's George Carlin's Seven Dirty Words that heals him.
The Simpsons Ride
- The episode teaser has Jerk curled up in a ball and chanting "Can't ride, clown will eat me. Can't ride, clown will eat me."
- Not having many major criticisms with the ride, Jerk decides to resort to nitpicking by invoking the spirit of Comic Book Guy.
- The countdown numbers use specific Simpsons moments where they say the numbers ("Tonight on the 11 o'clock news", "But nooo, you had to be 10", etc.)
- His utter disbelief that Harry Shearer wouldn't do voice work as he demanded too much money, but Kelsey Grammer, one of the highest paid TV actors at the time, was perfectly willing to reprise Sideshow Bob.
- "Park still looks fake."
- "Not Lenny!"
Shrek 4 D
- Jerk's long list of ways you can get Shrek 4 D:
Jerk: And though the film was technically owned by Dreamworks, they agreed to keep it exclusive to Universal Studios Hollywood! And Florida. And Japan. And eventually Singapore. And Movie Park Germany. And Warner Brothers Movie World in Australia. And it aired on Nickelodeon once. And it was shown in UK cinemas with these movies. And it was released on DVD. And on Netflix. And YouTube. And given away free with your breakfast, but other than that...
- Gingy warns parkgoers to leave the ride when they still have a chance. Jerk takes this seriously, and exits the ride and does numerous other things at Universal to the tune of "Raindrops Keep Falling on my Head." When he attempts to leave the park in his car, the DVD of the attraction is right there waiting for him.
- Jerk trying to catch the floating DVD throughout the park must have been hilarious to many an onlooker at the time as well, because before editing, he's basically swatting at nothing.
- Jerk's complaining about how Farquaad just became a ghost despite no else doing so by showing various other antagonists coming back as ghosts post death, ending with a musical number by "Ghoston".
- Spazz, Conspiracy Guy, and Kill Bosby appear as ghosts. Spazz was eaten by Figment (and he still defends him) while it's left unclear how Con Guy and Kill died.
- All the stuff with Kill Bosby, including Jerk and Spazz's reactions to him due to the real-life rape allegations against Bill Cosby.
- Part 1 ends with Gingy saying "That (gingerbread) house cost me a lot of dough!" and Jerk, Spazz, Conspiracy Guy, and Kill Bosby just staring coldly and silently into the camera.
- In Part 2, Jerk blames this pun for the two-month hiatus the show went on.
- When Jerk calls the Ghostbusters for help, Janine (played by Spazz's wife Haley) says they don't help Channel Awesome contributors because Nostalgia Critic's old sketch with Casper made them look like amateurs.
- When Jerk asks how to destroy a ghost, the ghosts say they can only be destroyed by a mysterious figure whose face has never been seen. That menacing horror? Pac-Man.
- The use of Neil Cicierega's "Imagine All Star People" as the credits song.
- Jerk blames Beetlejuice for driving him crazy, but when he tries telling him off, he and the ghosts (including Casper) start dancing and singing "The Banana Boat Song". The kicker is that, since this is just a theme park actor playing Beetlejuice, he has no idea what's going on.
Beetlejuice: This guy, I don't know...
- Jerk tells off the editor for the ridiculous things he did in the review, but the editor (revealed to be Kill Bozby) replaces his rant with sentence-mixed Self-Deprecation.
Escape from Tomorrow
- Jerk opens the review complaining about being overshadowed by a project with a similar gimmick. Naturally, he's ranting about "MTV'S 'JERKS WITH CAMERAS?!' ARE YOU SHITTING ME?!"
- MTV: "Uuuuuugggghhhh!"
- The Disneyholics meeting with cameos from multiple Channel Awesome members, including Linkara.
- Jerk is still filming his show in Universal Studios and refuses to go to Disneyland, even though Escape from Tomorrow was filmed in Disneyland and Disney World. He leaves Universal when Spazzmaster tells him that Comcast owns Universal and shoots a new intro in an empty, overgrown urban lot. After this, he constantly changes locations throughout California for the rest of the review.
- Some Jerk With A Colorful Sweater advertising Kyle "Oancitizen" Kallgren as "The Cine-Kyle" in the style of an infomercial.
- Who eventually breaks when too much Mind Screw happens even for him.
- His reaction to the opening of the film where a park guest gets decapitated by Big Thunder Mountain Railroad.
- His reaction to the director's statement that the movie "was not a Ben Stiller comedy."
Jerk: Tear up your annual passes folks, this is "Night at the Museum 4: Escape from Tomorrow."
- His bafflement of the fact that the movie hired Production Designers even though it was filmed at Disneyland/Disney World.
- The movie managed to make It's a Small World worse than it already was.
Jerk: Oh my God, I didn't think it was possible, but this music is even worse! Someone give this composer a medal, he just climbed Mount Everest while juggling flaming chainsaws and dividing by zero! He is one with the gods!
- Jerk calls the ride to tell it that the movie's interpretation of the ride wasn't as scary as Jerk's experience with it. The ride calls him out for the rape jokes that he made during the "It's a Small World Holiday" review. Jerk then remembers that he also asked the ride to explode in that review. And the ride explodes. Again.
- After noticing a guy in the background looking at the actors in bewilderment:
"Annnd this guy is officially my favorite character in the movie. It's not even a photobomb, it's photo-humanitarian relief efforts for victims of a bomb. He has no idea why these idiots are suddenly leaving the lines so close to the front of it!" *cut to Jerk* It's all fake you see. Th-the ride didn't actually break down, there is no Santa Claus, the Disney characters are just costumes with people in them, and I'm pretty sure I'm a genius visionary for figuring those things out," *reaches his hand out to the camera* "OSCAR PLEASE!"
- After the first mention of "Cat Flu":
"Ah, yes. The Cat Flu. That crippling disease that improves your reflexes, enhances your internet view count, and makes everyone in the world love you for doing literally nothing." (Beat. Starts licking a Marie doll.)
- Jerk's rant on the notion that Disney Land's turkey legs come from emus, due to the fact that the amount of turkey legs sold per year outnumber the total population of the emu.
- Jerk searches for the movie's plot in a mailbox, a K-Mart and a portal to the future that leads to Fury Road.
- When Jerk looks into the mailbox, a biker drives past him and he doesn't notice. Guess he missed a plot.
- Jerk's reaction to the sudden sex scene, and the fact it actually happened and wasn't another one of Jim's fantasies. He compares its randomness to a Cards Against Humanity session, which cuts to Linkara at the Disneyholics meeting reading a card selection.
- Jerk going through the pool scene, which is almost six minutes long with nothing happening.
Jerk: Jesus. When it rains, it pours.
- What street is Jerk standing on when this scene happens? Sunset Boulevard.
- Only for Jerk to be disappointed when it turns out that Jim did not drown.
- Jerk's reaction to the scene where Jim refers to Spaceship Earth as a giant testicle.
Jerk: WHAT THE HELL DO YOURS LOOK LIKE?
- Then he decides to check his own...and recoils in Stunned Silence before uncomfortably shuffling off-camera.
- At a certain point, Jerk wonders why he's even watching the movie, then he realize it's because it's similar to his "surface level gimmick." He then decides that he hates cameras, but he can't seem to escape them.
- At the Gainax Ending, Jerk screams out a "WHAT" so long that he's still doing it 150 years later when he's a skeleton, only stopped when a Terminator steps on him.
- During the Soarin scene, he uses Spazz's head to cover up the boobs.
The Haunted Mansion
- Count Jackula is thrilled to learn that Jennifer Tilly is in this movie, and even more thrilled to learn that she's playing a disembodied head. But he's quickly disappointed to learn that she will be playing a human head.
- Count Jackula and Horror Guru mistook Heimlich's Chew Chew Train for a very underwhelming ride based on The Human Centipede.
- Jack's "I Want" Song about the movie's incredible set and props which somehow ends with him singing about resurrecting Gracey's slaves as zombies and starting a race war.
- Part 3 starts with Jerk explaining that he refuses to review the rest of the movie, and that he plans to make several videos on how refuses to review it, and then more about how he refuses to refuse to make those videos, and...
- The end credits show Jerk, Guru, and Jack having a blast at Universal's Halloween Horror Nights, snarking with each other (when Jerk doesn't seem to be genuinely terrified).
Harry Potter at Universal Studios Hollywood
- J. K. Rowling's negotiations with Disney, featuring the coked-out executive from the review of The Haunted Mansion and Jerk's "You fool, that'll never work" character.
Exec 1: I'm sorry, are YOU an Imagineer!?Rowling: THAT'S NOT EVEN A WORD!!!Exec 2: Says the woman who makes up words left and right! Like "Ministry!"
- Jerk's character has a ring of keys hanging from his ear, a parody of Imagineer Joe Rohde.
- And then they meet up with her again...with the same level of respect as before. Though, she probably wouldn't have cared, considering that she has so much money that she uses a Benjamin to mockingly blow her nose.
- In an attempt to get her on their side, they show off plans for a land based off The Casual Vacancy, which Rowling admits to not having even read. The land consists only of a vacant lot. "A CASUAL vacant lot!"
- At one point, Jerk shows a picture that lists Magic Kingdom as Gryffindor, EPCOT Center as Ravenclaw, Animal Kingdom as Hufflepuff, and Disney's Hollywood Studios as Slytherin.
- When discussing the Moaning Myrtle audio in the bathrooms, Jerk points out how creepy it is to have the ghost of a teenage girl watching you while you're on the toilet.
- Jerk's "Proud American Nomaj", a parody country song containing every negative American stereotype ever.
- Jerk praises J. K. Rowling's timeless literary masterpieces...and Half-Blood Prince.
- There's a Running Gag in which The Great Luke Ski pops in and claims to like widely-hated things, including Pixels and Cars 2. However, he refuses to say he likes Florida.
- Where's The Fat, Universal?: An allusion to Doug Walker's short film "Where's The Fair Use"? The kicker is the end where the Nostalgia Critic comes along and reveals that Jerk wasn't too fat to ride; he was wearing a sweatshirt around his waist in case it got cold. In California.
- Jerk's Sirius Black parody song returns, and is then replaced by the "Jonathan Coulton" version.
- Jerk calling the Flight of the Hippogriff ride Flight of the Hypocrite:
Jerk (while flying): No one should ever fly ever! Human beings were not meant to fly! A flying person is an abomination against nature!
- Jerk compares the park selling replicas of Voldemort's wand to selling Hitler Ovens to Jews.
- While reviewing Ollivander's Wand Shop, he witnesses a girl use one of the wands to somehow heal a flower using the Aguamenti spell. Jerk is confused and rants about the spell; along with this the water is referred to as "Jesus water" during the rest of the review.
- Jerk states that you can purchase "Only the best Wooden Stick MagiSwords" at the wand shop.
Vlogs and other stuff
- His "commentary" of the "Halloween Time at Disneyland" video, a Bad Lip Reading-esque Mind Screw of the highest degree.
"Runninrunninrunninrunninrunninrunninrunnin—STOOOOOPPPP...""I shall consult my brain at the acceptability of this— whoop, none."Jerk: (in what's supposed to be the opening shot as Dracula) Does anybody wanna buy this caaaape? Gonna make an annoying noise until someone buys this cape. MaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaJerk: And now, dueling American Pie verses. (Separate verses from the song start playing over each other)
- The part in the original when the screen goes black while he pretends exciting stuff is happening? It's now a good two minutes of silence.
- His Gag Dub of an old college sketch he wrote - the original audio was lost, so he filled in the blanks. The result: "Look at the Game Show." One funny moment in particular: sixty chipmunks in a man suit.
- His "feud" with Ryan Hipp of That Show. A video retrospective of the faux-feud concludes with them realizing that the whole thing was pointless, as neither of them are huge internet celebrities.
- One of his best shout-outs, courtesy of his State of the Parks video about the possibility of a Guardians of the Galaxy ride replacing the California Twilight Zone Tower of Terror:
Jerk:...and, to make a long story short-
- In the "Soarin' Over Frozen VLOG", Spazzmaster ends the video by singing the "It's a Small World" song, followed by a Musical Slapstick Montage of the Jerk angrily chasing him around the park.
- The entirety of his, Spazz, and Doggans' riff of the 1955 Disneyland opening telecast, done in the style of RiffTrax and Mystery Science Theater 3000.
- The Running Gag about Art Linkletter's joke about Irene Dunne adjusting her bustle on the Mark Twain.
- This bit of genius:
Jerk: Well... that got a little out of hand.Doggans: What do you think, sir?Kevin Murphy: It stinks!
- They make many jokes about Values Dissonance, especially during the Frontierland segment.
- The guys have a lot of fun with Bob Cummings' name. They also follow suggestive remarks with "But enough about Walt's orgy last night."
- Thinking they can do better, Jerk, Spazz, and Doggans go back in time and remake the special, which results in Spazz becoming the 40th President of the United States.note
- The 2016 recap of State of the Parks:
- Jerk opens the video mentioning how awful the past year had been, and says that they shouldn't have wasted an entire year's worth of miracles on baseball.
- "Harrison Ford himself, looking almost like he wanted to be there..."
- Jerk reveals that Disney parks have stopped selling toy guns. Cut to eleven clips of Jerk using the guns as props during his prior reviews. "Did I cause this?" Cue Sarah McLachlan music, followed by Jerk redirecting his energy to protesting the parks' use of gators after a gator attack was the most reported Disney death in 2016.
- "Anyway, in lighter news- AH ZOMBIE!"
- Jerk Corpsing as he talks about plans to build a park in Animal Kingdom based on the film Avatar.
- His choice for credits music: "Rippy the Gator" by the Arrogant Worms, a reference to the 2016 alligator attacks in Disney World.
- In "Some Jerk Visits Knott's Berry Farm", a theme park actor playing an outlaw named "Tiny Mayfield" actually recognizes Jerk & Co. and becomes part of the show.
Tiny: "I-I got a better idea!"Man: "Alright, let's hear it."Tiny: "Why don't you tell them I'm in the other saloon?"Man: "...there's another saloon?"Tiny: "Yeah!...it's called the Golden Horseshoe!"(The other actor goes quiet for a brief moment, then gives an exasperated facepalm)
- In a performance with another cast member, Tiny Mayfield gets cornered by a man in a saloon for stealing his gold, and the man threatens to rat him out to his posse outside.
Jerk: If they tell you to sign a confession, don't do it.Mayfield: Well I can't even read, so that won't be a problem.
- Bonus points for Spazzmaster and Haley going hysterical in the background. There's a perfect frame in the video at around 16:32 that's almost worthy of a renaissance painting.
- Mayfield gets locked up and Jerk pretends to be his lawyer.
- In his Vlog about the new Disneyland Railroad and Fantasmic, Jerk suggests that since he got a bunch of new subscribers from his Nostalgia Critic crossover, they should avoid too many inside jokes right before he, Doggans, and Spazz launch into "Ketchup! Ketchup! Ketchup ketchup ketchupketchupketchup..."
- In "Top 15 Attractions That Closed In 2017":
- Jerk repeatedly mocks an old commercial for Stitch's Great Escape by using a belch as an adjective. He also says most fans hate it so much they consider it a "Holocaust-abortion."
- He also points out how long the closure of Stitch's Great Escape has been dragged out by fast-forwarding to 2058. Jerk, with a fake grey beard and bald spot on a post-apocalyptic background says this will finally be the year they close it.
- Commenters take Jerk's use of the phrase "Cocoon of nostalgia" and turn it into a parody of "Hakuna Matata."