Funny: Some Jerk with a Camera
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The Country Bears
- Jerk's new intro for his debut on That Guy with the Glasses has him call it "Channel Glasses That... Awesome With a Guy... Thing... family."
- To the Chirping Crickets response to Jerk.
Jerk: Great question, crickets!
- Jerk's opening monologue on the main page.
- "You can't really love something unless you're willing to mock it for all its worth. Just look at your children."
- Jerk dubs Disneyland to be "the second happiest place on Harbor Boulevard."
"...next to that Swedish massage parlor down the street."
- Jerk's reasoning for why anyone would ride something as corny as The Country Bear Jamboree: the line for Splash Mountain was too long and visitors just wanted some air conditioning.
- "So the movie starts out with of footage of-OOOOAAAAAAHHHH!!!"
- Before introducing Beary, he decides Screw This, I'm Outta Here! to go ride Splash Mountain, then he finds out the line for Splash Mountain is two miles long.
- The protagonist of the film is a bear named Beary Barrington, so Jerk follows that up by posing with the actual costume characters and dubbing them Ducky Duckingham, Micey Mousenvlad, and Zippo the Clown-faced Jerkwad. Mickey even Facepalms when Jerk gets his name wrong!
- The Jerk asks how far he is into the movie:
Woman (off-screen): Four minutes!Jerk: Great.
- "This movie has literally no right to exist! It shouldn't exist, it can't exist! And yet it does! Or does it..." (creepy music plays, DVD box starts shaking, it hits Jerk in the face) "Ow!"
- When seeing that the film has, in addition to Beary, a roadie named "Roadie", and a chicken named "Mr. Chicken".
Jerk: It's economical to hire children to write your children's movies 'cause you can just pay them in candy! (holds up giant lollipops)
- Jerk insists he is not racist against bears, and even has bear friends.
Jerk: (posing with the characters from Brother Bear) Help me...
- Jerk's guessing game Running Gag with the D-list Disney stars touted in this movie.
Jerk: Hey look, it's Mandy Moore! (buzzer) Miley Cyrus! (buzzer) Ashlee Simpson! (buzzer) Vanessa Hudgens! (buzzer) Demi Lovato! (buzzer) Kylie Minogue! (buzzer) Nellie Furtado! (buzzer) ...Shania Twain? (buzzer) ...Bristol Palin? (buzzer) Umm... (Caption: Krystal Marie Harris) Krystal Marie Harris! I was so... gonna know it.(Later)Jerk: You're Carrie Underwood! (buzzer) Taylor Swift! (buzzer) Hilary Duff! (buzzer) Haylie Duff! (buzzer) Baby Spice! (buzzer) (Caption: Three Hours Later) ...Zac Hanson. (buzzer) Rue McClanahan. (buzzer) Krystal Marie Harris in a blond wig. (buzzer) I dunno... I should know this- (Caption: Jennifer Paige) Jennifer Pai- okay now you're just making up pop stars.
- After Zeb beats a rival musician in a music compeitition, Jerk laments that he spent $10,000 betting on the other musician.
- "Meanwhile, at the Walken- OH GOD HE'S DEAD!!!" (Walken wakes up) ...oh.
- "WHEN WILL THE AUTOMAKERS LEARN?!"
- "Coming this Oscar season: Christopher Walken IS Joe Biden. Rated R."
- Jerk admits his affection for Christopher Walken's line: "That day... IS TONIGHT!!"
Jerk: The greatest line in cinema history is in The Country Bears, who knew?
- "Hey hundreds of people! Shut up!"
Ten Years of Disney California Adventure
- The new TGWTG opening begins with Jerk kissing his hair, saying: "Luscious locks!"
- Jerk returns ten years after California Adventure's opening, expecting to attend a huge anniversary and instead meets... a workwall.
- "You can't spell decade without DCA (Disney California Adventure). Or ECD (Elderly Cockroach Disease), or CAE (Charos Aborted Elephants) for that matter; it's all discussed in my two week seminar: 'How To Spell Things With Other Things', next month at the Madisson Radisson."
- "Yes, DCA is turning ten years old, and like most California ten year-olds it's getting its first facelift."
- To make room for DCA, Disneyland's new parking lot became the second-largest in the world, "dwarfed only by... the Detroit airport."
Jerk: Because if I lived in Detroit I'd want to leave too! If my car was built there, it'd probably get as far as the airport before it blew up.
- "Eisner really wanted to save up for his huge yacht to hold all his smaller yachts."
- Jerk's interpretation of why California Adventure was built, with then-CEO Michael Eisner as a Card-Carrying Villain.
Michael Eisner: Ve vant zhe tourists to schtay in ze park. Vhy do they leave ze park?
Disney Employee: Uh, well, uh, Mr. Eisner sir, according to the market research we've done, people leave so they can explore the rest of California!
Michael Eisner: Then ve vill bring the rest of California HEEEEEEEERE!!!
(lightning crashes as "The Bells of Notre Dame" plays)
Frederick Frankenstein: It! Could! Work!!!
- Jerk visiting the actual landmarks DCA has replicas of, just under a day's drive away.
Jerk: (at the Golden Gate Bridge) Yeah, it's okay but, if only it had a monorail going across it. (at the Palace of Fine Arts) Yeah, it's semi-breathtaking but, if only it had a Whoopi Goldberg film in it. (at entrance to Disneyland) Yeah, it's good but, if only it sucked, then you'd have something!
- Jerk's imagines how the tractor "ride" must have been thought up.
Jerk Exec: (on cellphone) We need something big, that will really attract people. Some... huge attractor.Jerk Worker: (taking notes) Huge... tractor, got it. (finishes note and groans)
- Jerk's parody of the California Adventure commercials, where Buzz tells Goofy to not go to the park because "nobody likes a nosy neighbor".
Buzz: Nah, they'll be alright; they have a tractor!Goofy: I thought I was supposed to be the idiot...
- Is It Still There?. All of it.
- The show is introduced as "America's only game show", hosted by Jerk, starring Jerk, and with the two contestants Jerk and Jerk.
- Both Jerks fail the first two questions so the final question is worth 100 points, "rendering this entire exercise meaningless."
- "Uh, who buzzed in? Jerk or Jerk?" "It was Jerk."
- The show ends with both of them losing and being shipped away for medical experiments.
- The dramatic music leading up to the park's central monument...
Jerk: A big ol' hubcap that looks almost exactly nothing like the sun. (gets up close to camera) It's like you wanna fail.
Jerk: It's the exact same ride, but now Mickey's on it! Hi Mickey! (waves) He never waves back.
- Later on, Jerk shows off the now-improved Ferris Wheel sun.
- Don't worry parents! We've got booze!
- Jerk's extremely positive "complaints" about California Screamin'.
Jerk: There's no story so it's no good! Hmph!
- Jerk describes California Adventure as "the Jan Brady of theme parks, the Art Garfunkel of theme parks, the Disney California Adventure of theme parks..."
- After seeing the amazingness of Tokyo DisneySea.
Jerk: ...the Japanese beat us at something that combines technology with artistry?! How is that even possible?! We're way smarter than the- well, no. Our cartoons are way better- well no. Our sexual perversions- (sighs) We're taller! That's right! We! Are taller! Than them! USA! USA! USA- I'm gonna go get drunk...
- After introducing the very boring rides of "A Bug's Land".
Jerk: IT'S TOO EXCITING, I CAN'T STAND IT.
- When discussing Aladdin: The Musical.
Jerk: Apparently Aladdin was in California the whole time! (Caption: "When cameling on the I-5, visit beautiful Agrabah, CA.") Well, that does explain the customer service. (Clip of Jasmine about to get her hand chopped off for not paying for an apple.)
- "But even with three new things, DCA wasn't quite a match for the greatest thing of all time."
- "You saw nothing. (Neuralyzer flash'') "Cawwifornia."
- "Disney finally traded in the ESN in Eisner's name for a G."
- The talking Mr. Potatohead.
Jerk: (whispering) It's a real potato. We genetically mutated it. It's gonna kill us all sometime in the next five years. Shhh!
Mr. Potato Head: Let's try that again: "I love you, Mr. Potatohead!"Kids: I love you Mr. Potatohead!Jerk: It demands your worship.
- "By 2012, assuming the Mayans were wrong and this doesn't happen..." (Earth explodes)
- "A workwall means progress, a workwall means the future, a workwall means: 'come back and give us more of your hard-earned money next year.' And what could possibly be more Californian than that?"
Star Tours (The Original 1987 Classic)
- SJWAC's reaction to the Opening Scroll at the beginning.
SJWAC: Why are these words all backwards? (beat) Damn, kids.
- The conversation between the Star Wars re-enacters.
[Re-Enactor]: Wait, you're FOR blowing up planets?SJWAC: (defensively) I happen to think it looks cool.
- The Wire, Spazzmaster, and SJWAC's conversation about Some Jerk remaining "cautiously optimistic" about the new Star Tours.
Some Jerk: And now only this gift shop remains, until June 3rd when the new ride opens. But for better or worse it'll never be quite the same. Despite all our prays, the deal has been altered further. And I gotta tell ya. I. am. cautiously optimistic.The Wire and Spazzmaster: What?Some Jerk: I know, I'm surprised too, but I am cautiously optimistic.Spazzmaster: Jerk, what is wrong with you?The Wire: HE'S A WITCH.Some Jerk: Look, I'm sorry, but even after Jar-Jar and Greedo and Jake Lloyd and Hayden Christensen and Jar-Jar and Boss Nass and the rat tail and the midi-chlorians and Jar-Jar and all the CGI and Jar-Jar and Jar-Jar and Jar-Jar and the eternal C Span footage and that stupid fucking monologue about sand and all that "you get to see him as a little kid" bullshit. And even after (plays the clip of Darth Vader going "NOOooOOOoooOOOooo!"), (shrugs) I still remain cautiously optimistic. Sorry.The Wire: Jerk, you're friends are all here. So why don't you show us on a the Ewok where Star Wars touched you?Some Jerk: (takes the Ewok toy) Look, I already told you, I must have been asking for it!
- One word: Ketchup.
Top 11 Florida Attractions Not in California
- The Jerk calls Florida a "dong-shaped Jew cemetery."
- Phil Buni's rants about Florida and Floridians.
- The Jerk gets photobombed and stops his show just to incite his viewers to hunt, torture, and kill the photobomber. While several people are photobombimg in the background during his pseudo-PSA.
- The new TGWTG outro has an Ironic Echo to the original footage when Jerk reveals that Maelstrom, one of his prior choices, has closed to be replaced by a Frozen ride:
Anti-Ranting Jerk: Let. It. Go.
- The Jerk's idea of what happened to Captain EO after the movie. He is tried in Galactic Superior Court where he is found guilty of insubordination. He and his sister (who is being punished for showing her nipple) are put on a colorless spaceship and sent to a deserted planet where they populate the world. And the descendants of their unholy incestuous union still live on that planet today. And that planet is called...EARTH!!!
Halloween Time at Disneyland
- Some Jerk describing how not scary Disney is at Halloween time.
SJWAC: What kid with healthy imagination wouldn't get psyched over "Mickey's Not-so-Scary Halloween Party".(in black and white, dramatic music plays)SJWAC: It wasn't just scary, kids. I can handle scary. It was not so scary. (thunder strikes) I'm sorry, it's not an easy thing to relive. I think I might have PNTO, Post-Non-Traumatic Order from just how not-so-scary it was. So not-so-scary it can drive even the toughest man sane. (giggling maniacally) I'm sorry, I was thinking of something really funny Craig Ferguson said last week. (in a demonic voice) But I digress. (whispering) It was not-so-scary, kids. It was not-so-scary.
- Some Jerk talking about Ghost Galaxy (or Space Mountain) and trying to figure out what the galaxy ghost is.
SJWAC: All they change about the ride is the music, the lighting, and the projections and it feels like a totally different experience in which you get chased through the cosmos by... this thing, a fiery vengeful spirit demon ghost thing with... Can I get some help on this one from a ghost expert?Ray Stantz: What you have there is what we refer to as a focused non-terminal repeating phantasm.SJWAC: No, I meant a real ghost expert.SJWAC: No, I meant a non-fictional ghost expert. Just anyone with a basic cable show.Space Ghost: No.Conan O'Brien: FACE IT, SPACE GHOST!Space Ghost: No.Conan O'Brien: YOU'RE A SPACE MAN THAT CHOKED ON A MUFFIN!
- His parody of "What's This" during the review of "Haunted Mansion Holiday", ultimately ending with "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS??!!
It's Small World Holiday
- "I WAS RAPED BY IT'S A SMALL WORLD!"
- To the tune of Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious: "Donald Duck brand orange juice tastes like rancid goat piss!"
- The Jerk's "Small World" parody song, which he uses to defeat the ride.
- He introduces a whole list of guest stars for the multi-part review. It starts out normal, featuring people who have either already appeared in the review but then it starts getting silly with a guy eating a sandwich listed as "President Gerald Ford", a guy doing backflips as "Big Skip McJimmy, The Wacky Abortionist", a cat falling off a table as "Former President of Chad Hissène Habré", and Texas Gov. Rick Perry as "Dickery Douche McDerpHitler, culminating with "Weird Al Yankasomething!" Hilariously enough, Weird Al actually appears in the review!
Star Tours: The Adventure Continues
Thirty Years of EPCOT
- The Jerk goes to check out the new The Little Mermaid ride only to be entrapped by Chris Hansen, who took his remarks out of context and mistook him for trying to molest a teenage mermaid.
- The Jerk compares EPCOT to an STD: A wonderful burst of output followed by a lifetime of painful regret.
- The Jerk wonders why Germany, Italy, and Japan didn't get pavilions at EPCOT. He then uses his powers as a "Jewish controller of the media" to demand a Germany-themed ride. Cut to him getting onboard a train, saying, "If you kvetch long enough, things will happen to you!"
- The Jerk tries to riff "Ellen's Energy Adventure" only to find that Ellen has already thought of all his jokes. But he finally gets a victory when he realizes the caveman who makes "an important discovery" is played by Michael Richards. "He discovered the racial epithet!" Cue cheesy music and goofy dance.
- The Running Gag in which Jerk (and Phil Buni at one point) mentions a race of Bolivian mice genetically engineered by Disney to crawl inside the human brain before getting cut off for "cranial remodulocation."
- "Previously on ACID!"
- "So let's review. EPCOT was a failed Experiment. It wasn't really a Prototype of anything 'cause they never built another one. It wasn't a Community 'cause nobody lived there. And it didn't magically transport you to Tomorrow unless you fell asleep on Universe of Energy (which was quite likely). It was barely even Of."
- "If Spaceship Earth was a golf ball, you'd need a forty-four hundred foot club, and a seven-hundred foot dancing gopher! I gladly volunteer my services." And then there's the dance he does...
The Walt Disney Family Museum
ABC Goes to Disney World!
- "Luscious locks" makes a return into the Channel Awesome new intro, now referring to literal door locks.
- "Remember the 1990s? That magical decade where Kurt Cobain became king of Pride Rock, Bill Clinton had an affair with a Velociraptor, and Quentin Tarantino sold Bart Simpson's soul for pogs in the Wicked-Wicked-Wild Wild West?"
- "I devoted an entire introductory episode just to explaining the concept, which I literally just explained in- ''seventy-one" -seconds. [...] Endure!"
- Jerk's depicts the ABC laugh track audiences as being so brainwashed as to laugh at everything, including Michelle Tanner saying cutesy snarks, "That's a lotta fish" from Godzilla (1998), and even Simba finding his father dead from The Lion King. Bonus points in that the shot of the audience laughing at the last scene includes Jerk himself laughing in the crowd.
- Jerk parodies Walt Disney's early "infomercial" documentaries about the building of Disneyland with an informercial of his own.
Spazz!Narrator: Tired of the tired of thrillful drudgeries of rollercoasters?The Wire: There's got to be a better way!Spazz!Narrator: Introducing Disneylandia, a coaster-free experience guaranteed to enhance your life.Il Neige: Wait-wait-wait, so are you telling me an amusement park could actually enhance my life?Jerk: Who are you?Spazz!Narrator: I'm over here.Il Neige: (turns around) Wait-wait-wait, so are you telling me an amusement park could actually enhance my life?Spazz!Narrator: Why, just listen to these convincing testimonies.Rosenhacker: Thanks to Disneylandia, I learned to believe in everything!Mike Eddy: I learned how to be happy and smile more.Spazz!Narrator: I learned exactly why God kills people!Jerk: ...what's a Disneylandia-All: Thanks, Disneylandia!!!
- "And The Mouse had very little to do with ABC until the 1980s, when a former ABC senior vice president named 'Oh god him again' became the new CEO of Disney."
- When Eisner and Mickey ride the Sky Tram.
- Jerk's most meta gag yet: After the fake commercial is over, he wipes the grainy film off the screen and shoves the letterbox aside with his elbows.
- Jerk's ABC theme show parody, which plays a dozen theme songs simultaneously in an inaudible cacophony, stars him as every character, keeps going well after it should have ended, and results in him trying to escape it, to the point that he shoots him, nukes his city, and then is car-chased by it live on the Golden Gate Bridge. In fact, it ends up resembling a certain show openings parody that debuted a year later...
- "Edited by Tony Goldmark and Tony Goldmark's Illegal Download of Adobe Premiere. Format Ripped Off From Doug Walker and Jim Hill."
- Jerk's Escape from Tomorrow parody.
- Jerk attempts to pass himself off as Elvis back from the dead, now in the "lucrative field of Internet reviewing".
Jerk!Elvis: (Glasses Pull) You know, they don't shoot me below the waist neither. (Dances to "Jailhouse Rock")
Jerk: They kicked me out for my Elvis dance, the bloody Philistines. Also I drunkenly urinated on the Walt statue. Also it's a block-out day.The Wire: Well that's just what you get for using the front gate like a sucker! (Beat) Disney cops. Gotta run!
- Jerk notes the laugh tracks still playing during the Disney World episodes, and wonders if the audiences were forced to tag along to laugh at the characters.
Jerk: (''canned laughter) Can we go ride rides now?ABC Exec: NO! We're paying you to laugh, not to have fun!
- "Can you imagine having Disney World being advertised at you this incessantly? Even without other sh-" (Cut to Blip Disney World midroll ad, before Jerk blows it up with the TNT from Toontoon.)
- After Jerk gets trapped inside a TV, he only has to mention the Disney World episode of Full House before the TV vomits him out.
Full House Goes to Disney World!
- The title card illustration for the review: With a camera set up, a mic, a light commanding laughter, the little Olsen twins smiling in an eerie manner, a sweaty smiling zombie like Danny, a sweaty smiling zombie like Uncle Joey holding a hand puppet, a sweaty looking Jerk, and Uncle Jesse looking sweaty and bright-eyed.
- The "memorial" card before the review:
This video is dedicated to all the men and women who were tragically killed or injured in the Disneyland dry ice bombing of May 28, 2013. All zero of them. Never forget.
- Calling Uncle Jesse Mystique's ex-husband.
- Mocking Aunt Becky for asking if they get to be together in the honeymoon suite.
Jerk: Nope all Disney Honeymoon suites are in separate rooms. Just in case a monorail crashes through the wall due to gross incompetence, we wouldn't want the kids to see what you're doing, now would we kids? (cuts to a room full of bored children) We wouldn't want to see the lurid, sexual kinds of deviancy I'm about to describe to you in graphic detail now would we? You see kids, when a Mommy and a Daddy, and another Mommy and a coconut full of Kahula love each other very, very much....
- Jerk trying not to comment on Michelle claiming she gags if she doesn't sit next to the window seat.
- Cutting to clips of Tea Party demonstrations when Michelle suggested a tea party with the Disney characters.
- Poking fun at how the characters split into subplots.
"They'll never find me here."
- Making Alanis Morissette references about Uncle Joey.
- Voiceovers done for Chip and Dale poking fun at Aunt Becky and Uncle Jesses' anniversary lunch date being missed, at Becky for thinking Jesse would never forget their date and at Jesse for divorcing Mystique.
- Poking fun at Uncle Joey getting high while cartooning.
- "I see you've found the peyote. Leave at least a little for Katzenberg, will ya?"
- Calls Child Services for the Tanners not taking the girls to Disneyland (despite not hurting for money and living in California).
- He's put on hold.
- The Aladdin references and calling them out for missing a chance to make a joke that breaks the fourth wall by having just D.J.'s boyfriend appear as Aladdin.
Full House. We're too lazy for lazy.
- Pointing out the Unfortunate Implications of having a kid make any wish they want (world domination, a trillion dollars, and making Eisner eat his beloved cat).
And thus began the horrifying, bloodthirsty reign of Ol-sen the Inspid!
- "Sic Semper Tyrannus, Bitch!"
- All the dark comedy jokes about the older girls plotting to kill Michelle and one where Michelle wanders off, with voiceovers by Jerk.
D.J: Conference.Jerk! As D.J.: Let's leave our six year old sister completely unattended in public so we can discuss how we're going to kill her. I say we take her out in Great Moments with Mr. Lincoln in Maximum Irony.Jerk! As Stephanie: They don't have that here.Jerk! As D.J.: You're kidding.Jerk! As Stephanie: No, all we have is the Hall of Presidents, bitch will probably make us do that 20 times.Jerk! As Kimmy: Look, we've discussed this before, no matter how many Olsen Twins you kill, they'll just keep regenerating. You have to find the head Olsen twin and impale her with a broad sword.Jerk! As Stephanie: Awww, all I brought was two seven stars and a dagger. I brought them through security because 9/11 hasn't happened yet.Jerk! As D.J.: What's 9/11?Jerk! As Stephanie: I don't know.
Jerk! As Michelle: La la la! I like candy! And I trust everyone! La la la!
- Making fun of Stephanie's feelings being trivialized.
Jerk: Do you trivialize Social Issues too?Jerk! As Stephanie: It's just not fair that we don't have marriage equality.Jerk! As Uncle Joey: Well if you let a man marry another man, what's to stop a man from marrying two hermaphrodites and a fish? Or a triceratops from marrying an aborted fetus? From a woman from not marrying at all? Sooner or later Steph, you might just wish, you did kill your sister.Jerk! As Stephanie: What?Jerk! As Uncle Joey: I talked to a cartoon today.Jerk! As Stephanie: Great! Go bug him.
- Finally Michelle stops acting like, quote, "a selfish twat this week" and passes the crown to Stephanie.
Michelle: I'm defecting to SeaWorld while the revolution attacks you!
- Jesse and the Rippers take the Castle stage!
Jerk: It's like watching Pat Boone and Michael Bolton playing hockey in a vat of whipped cream and rice! It's so white...it's blinding me!!!!!!!!
- Jerk's rant about this episode.
Uncle Joey: Yes San Francisco and live from Disney World...Jerk: Are you even listening to yourself? Why are you broadcasting across the damned country? Why is Snow White a deejay? Why is your booth promoting a radio station you can't even get there? Why are there characters in the crowd? How the fuck are those fireworks so legible? How the shit are either of you eligible for a contest if your Uncle's been hired to perform there? (sees Uncle Joey dance with Snow White) Why in the name of Jehovah is any of this happening!?!?Metatron: I believe the answers that you seek lie within my companion.(Jerk looks horrified while Alanis Morissette gets Uncle Joey's and Snow White's heads exploding while singing "You Oughta Know")Jerk: Okay! Okay! I get it! Luckily my hair is so long I couldn't hear that.
- Jerk screaming when he sees Steve Urkel and the beginning of the stinger for the reviews:
To be continued...Girls: Michelle! Michelle!
- Jerk telling Olivia Wilde that having his baby won't solve anything and then yelling "How is Tron legacy my fault?"
- The credits rolling with Weird Al Yankovic's polka of "You Oughta Know".
Family Matters Goes to Disney World!
- The title card with Jerk on a log for Splash Mountain stopping to drown Steve while a box of Urkel-Os floats by.
- Jerk's rant about Urkel.
Jerk: (regarding Urkel's catchphrase) Of course you're the one who fucking did that! You're the most that-doing motherfucker in the multiverse!
- Calling the Winslow family the Matters.
- His insert of Stefan when Laura mentions Stefan Urquelle.
- His rant about how Family Matters is a nerd minstrel show and how real nerds aren't this clumsy. He then does the same clumsy antics Urkel did.
- His reaction to the camera zooming in at Carl:
Jerk: Oh my God! He's getting bigger!
- All the Die Hard clips used when involving Carl, even after Richie makes a snarky comment and then it cuts to Reginald Vel Johnson's character in Die Hard lamenting how he shot and killed someone yet it looks like it's not illegal to commit that to a child.
- "This November, Steven Urkel becomes Buddy Love...I mean Stefan Urquelle."
- Even pointing out Carl being an Ungrateful Bastard after talking about how no Steve in Disney World is great, despite "The bastard taking me to Disney World!"
- Cinderella seating Laura at a throne with a cutaway to a film clip where a man is about to torture his seated captive.
Jerk: Who the fuck is Laura Winslow? This is a show about the Family Matters. That's Laura Matters, Carl Matters, Harriette Matters, Marshall Matters, Grandma Matters, and Jerry Matters as The Beaver.
- Same scene, after watching the elaborate set up Stefan did for Laura, Jerk states he should've just hired a hooker since it's cheaper.
- "Can you believe we're on the same stage that Jesse and the Rippers performed? It's my generation's Woodstock."
- His expression at hearing Laura's last name:
- His confusion over whether the proposal is a dream sequence or was occurring in the plot and the overreaction to Laura stating "Ketchup" as yes to the marriage proposal.
- His rant about how Disney World is "wasted on you people" and then starts to correct himself before he dives into the pond.
- The Paul Buni non-union replacement ranting about Florida as a reaction to Carl wanting to move to Orlando after spending time in Disney World :
Replacement: Florida is the worst thing to happen in the history of worst things! It is so backwards, it makes the guy behind me totally walk backwards! Everyone in Florida is an abortion. Millions of abortions walking around, talking to each other, not even knowing they're abortions, because they're so dumb. In Florida, they don't even incarcerate their murderers, because if you're murdered in Florida, at least because you don't have to live in Florida.
- The sounds of bees occurring during on-screen kisses.
- Mocking Stefan for moving Myra to another spot nearby just to tell her the bad news, laments how Urkel of all people has two gorgeous girlfriends fighting over him, and then ranting at the asteroid from Captain EO for breaking his heart.
- The celebrations for Stefan stating he'll never be Steve again.
- Rip out my Urkel lovin' heart!
- Stating the difference between Canadian Pooh and Italian Pooh.
- Him telling Laura that just because life is based on a lie doesn't mean she can't be happy.
Jerk: No, look, just because your life is a lie doesn't mean you can't be happy. Just look at me! My whole life is a lie and I'm happy as a clam! I've never told anyone this but I am Nicole Simpson's real killer. Yeah. And I shot Tupac. And Biggie. And JFK. And JR Ewing. I escaped from Gitmo twice and I still have the tag to prove it. I- I– I- *pause* I am Jack the Ripper. And the Zodiac Killer. And Keyser Söze. And the undercover cop in Reservoir Dogs. Uh, I started the goddamn Chicago fire. I canceled Firefly! I'll confess to whatever you want just please for the love of god don't bring Urkel back from the dead.
- His facepalming after Urkel came back and then Sursum Ursa's outraged reaction to his rant:
- This gem:
Urkel: It alters my DNA code on a genetic level, changing me into a completely different person.Jerk: I call it a retardis!
- David Lander's character's reaction to Urkel being played over and over as gospel music from The Blues Brothers are played.
This is an outrage! You are an embarrassment to science, technology, and pants. You're a fraud!Jerk: Preach it Squiggy!
- The end of The Stinger
Disney World Ad: Disney World. Even we don't think you should live here!
The Girls: Michelle! Michelle! Michelle!
- To Be Continued....
Roseanne Goes to Disney World!
- The title card. Takes place in It's a Small World, with Roseanne and Dan looking crankily at Jerk while he watches the boats of people behind them start getting hysterical or burning, and Jerk getting a message on his walkie-talkie begging him out.
- Comments that certifiably crazy people make the best tv...sometimes. Then cuts to a clip of Roseanne interviewing Weird Al on her short-lived talk show.
- The Running Gag about Roseanne ruining Disney Animation.
- Talking about how Roseanne did a going to Disney World two parter and right after "Edelweiss Gardens" episode came on satirizing or not satirizing Disney World.
- He equates It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia as Roseanne's spiritual successor.
Jerk: People tend to forget how un family-friendly Roseanne was at the time and yet she got a Disney World episode. Because even the...no especially the world's most selfish, despicable, back-stabbing monsters still deserve to wait in line for Big Thunder Mountain right in front of you!Darlene: And yet another federal offense I witnessed in this house.Jerk: And if you sent that kind of Disney World today... (looks worried)(Music for It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia comes on) "The Gang Accidentally Burns Down EPCOT": It's Always Sunny In Lake Buena Vista
- Jerk wonders how he's going to review the Connor Family going to Disney World, especially since the show had more cynical jokes than the previous sitcoms that came to Disney World and they were more self-aware and included 4th wall jokes. All he can point out are inaccuracies.
Jackie: I was readin' about this. You know this used to be all Orange Groves.Banky Edwards: Wrong coast.Jackie: But that's not what one Mr. Walt Disney saw, he saw that lake, he saw that castle!Jerk: (standing at EPCOT) He mostly saw a giant unfeasible city of the future that never happened before he dropped dead. But on the other hand...Movie Clip!The Dude: Not wrong Walter, you're just an asshole!Walter: Okay then.
- All the references to John Goodman's films, including The Big Lebowski and King Ralph.
- His answer to Aunt Jackie being stressed over how to squeeze in vacation time.
Jerk: Oh come on Andy's Mom, just get Andy's Dad. How hard can it be to get him out of Gitmo?
- Snarking at their hotel activities, like when Mark remarks on eating steak for breakfast:
Mark: Man, steak for breakfast. I feel like, like, Merv Griffin!Jerk! As Merv Griffin: Dead! (fakes a heart attack)
- Remarking on how "When You Wish Upon A Star" was so easily replaced by something more appropriate....The 1812 Overture!
- The crowd looking at Spaceship Earth, and then he remarks that he stared at it so long, he swore it moved.
- Dan in Germany at EPCOT's World Showcase
Dan: So where's Sgt. Shultz?Dr. King Shultz: These days I practice a new profession... bounty hunting.WE APOLOGIZE FOR CUTTING TO SUCH A PAINFULLY OBVIOUS MOVIE CLIP, AND INSTEAD CUT TO THIS TOTALLY DIFFERENT MOVIE CLIP.(Rewinds and then repeats Dan's question and the clip)NO, I SAID A DIFFERENT MOVIE CLIP. LIKE, I DUNNO, MAYBE CHARLES DURNING YELLING "SHULTZ!" IN "TO BE OR NOT TO BE" OR SOM— WAIT, WHERE ARE YOU DOING? WHA—WHAT ARE YOU...?(Dr. Shultz fires a pistol and then cuts to Col. Erhardt getting shot)Col. Erhardt: Shultz!The Dude: Fucking Nazis.Jerk! As King Ralph: Seriously, I'm the King and my name is Ralph!
- This joke was just too soon. It involves Bev babysitting the babies at Toontown and putting on their Mickey Mouse hats.
Bev: Oh look at us we're the three Mouseketeers. Except I'm the only one with the stuff to be Annette.Jerk: Yeah, you do look like you'd die in a coma.(gets punched and Bev sings Zip a dee doo da)(Children rushing to her with comments like mistaking her for a ride or to be taken care of)
- Jerk doesn't like Darlene (who's incapable of fun and letting others have it) much.
David: You know DJ I think it be fun to just sit with Darlene.Darlene: You're not going to be just sitting David, in a minute I'm going to have you go fetch me a cokeJerk!As David: (Smiling) I'm back with your coke (Giggles and throws it in her face)Darlene!As The Wicked Witch of the West: AAAAAAA!!!!!!! I'm melting! Melting! Oh what a world! What a World!
- What Does This Look Like! after Winnie-the-Pooh starts hugging Darlene, implying that the two are humping each other but everyone viewing the Dumbo ride down and the Sky Way was working.
- The reference to two characters played by Johnny Galecki and David's favor of flannel.
Leonard Hofstadter: flannel
- The clips of the Edelweiss Gardens episode and stating that it seemed as though the show was making fun of Disney World...or not
- Stating that Roseanne just chewed off Paul Buni's head off and his last words cursed Florida
- Jerk getting shot in the head after Roseanne told David "We don't whistle while we work!" with Walt commenting and the Edelweiss employees cover their ears.
- Wondering who Darlene's baby daddy is...David? Or...
Jerk!As Keith Richards! As Winnie-the-Pooh: Oh don't act so surprised mate! Everyone knows I've had more illegitimate cubs than you've had sandwiches! (Chuckles) I don't even bother to wear pants mate!Jerk: Please don't call me mate.Jerk!As Keith Richards! As Winnie-the-Pooh: Well you want to know something else luv?Jerk: What else?Jerk!As Keith Richards! As Winnie-the-Pooh: (Sliding on honey) This ain't honey!Jerk: Ewwww!!!!! Gawd!
- Or did Walt somehow put his seed in Darlene?
- At the end of the review, Jerk complains that there wad a lack of cheese in this show and he was starving from the lack of it, then sees he's reviewing Step by Step. Then takes a large bite of a hunk of Swiss cheese.
- The moral of the story? Winnie-the-Pooh does have a Hundred Acre Wood!
Step by Step Goes to Disney World!
- The title card with a dazed Jerk holding a Polaroid of the Foster-Lambert family with Cody/Flash crossed out with Patrick Duffy's character looking hunched over and a spastic looking Carol entitled: Memories? There is also a billboard in the background telling people to eat at Penetta's.
- The Running Gag that the show is so unmemorable that Jerk forgets it just a few seconds after watching it.
Jerk: Oh boy, a new show with Patrick Duffy! I like him! (munches popcorn) Wow! Patrick Duffy's in this show too! He looks great for his age. (munches more popcorn) Holy shit, is that Patrick Duffy? Wow, this show just gets better and better. (notices popcorn) This is popcorn! I love popcorn! Hahaha- where am I?
- "This show is like a televised blue pill; You took it and you instantly forgot everything about it!"
Jerk: Say, remember the show Step By Step?Spazz: No.Jerk: Me neither!(he smiles into space while Spazz stares at him)
- "I watched this episode earlier to prepare and then instantly forgot everything about it, so excuse me while I watch it again." (Caption: Forty-four minutes later)
- "So they go to Disney World thanks to their grandmother..." (one minute later) "So they go to Disney World thanks to their grandmother, played by June Lockhart of all people..." (two and a half minutes later) What am I doing again? Oh yeah, this shit. So they go to Disney World thanks to their grandmother, played by June Lockhart of all people...
- It even makes its way into the Clip Show parody TGWTG intro.
- After JT blows all of his and Rich's money over a date.
Rich: As soon as I can scrounge up enough money for bus fare, I'm heading back to Port Washington and find myself a new friend.
- Jerk musing over the rollercoaster in the "county fair" opening of the show.
Jerk: As a side note, that thing must be a bitch to lug from county to county every summer. (sees the Six Flags Sky Tower in the background) Ohhh, it's Magic Mountain, that makes perfect sens- HOLY SHIT THE I-5 HAS FLOODED!! IT'S THE APOCALYPSE!!! AAAAAAAAAAAA-
- After recapping the show's Cliché Storm plot:
Sgt. Powell: They got the universal terrorist's playbook, and they're running it step by step.
- "And now my Step by Step review is stealing Die Hard references from my Family Matters review. Have you no shame?!"
- When Jerk sees the mother is named Carol just like the mother from The Brady Bunch.
Jerk: It was already blatant Brady Bunch ripoff and they had the gall to name the mother with hair of gold "Carol", out of all the female names. You know, I actually kinda admire that. You know what, I actually kinda admire that. So many writers go to such great length to hide their thieving hackery, and this show flat-out embraced it. I mean, Mark Zuckerberg didn't call his site "Winkelbook", Vanilla Ice didn't call that song "Ice Ice Pressure", and I sure as hell don't start every show saying-Jerk!Nostalgia Critic: Hellooo, I'm the Vacation Critic. I encounter it because you don't get to! Do you ever start out a sentence very calmly and rationally, AND THEN EXPLODE INTO A FIT OF RAGE FOR NO GOOD REASON?!?! This is Step by Step!Jerk: You know why I don't do that? Because I. Don't. Know. Why. Either. I've forgotten everything again. ...what am I doing?
- "Doesn't summer vacation last longer than one week? Apparently not! Fuckin' Obama..."
- After Carol tells Dan some innuendo-laced teases in front of their infant child:
Jerk!Lilly': Every time I see a Disney park commercial I just start screaming and puking and I don't know why. I can't even watch Blip anymore-Jerk!Therapist: What the hell is Blip...Jerk!Lilly: And it's even worse with their new ad campaign.Commercial: Disney World: Where your parents have sex.(Later)Grandma: Jean-Claude and I have plans.Commercial: Disney World: Where your grandma has better sex.
- Jerk's utter confusion over the characters' going to a fictional Disney World restaurant called "Pinetta's." The closest equivalent he finds is a an obscure restaurant in Louisiana.
Jerk: Was it this hard to find an expensive restaurant in Disney World?! The freaking churros have installment plans!
- "This joke brought to you by IMDb: What you do instead of things!"
- So, is anyone else a little unnerved by how horny everyone is...
Commercial: Disney World: Basically an orgy with churros.
- When the girls learn about a country music contest for a college scholarship.
Jerk!Southerner: 'Cause if there's one thing we country folk love, it's higher edumacation! Ain't that right, Mater?Jerk!Mater''': Sure! I hired me an edumacajun last week! Then I ran him over for talking French!
- After Dana calls Karen the "queen of the Nashville Nazis".
Jerk: I've just found the name of my new cover band.Jerk!Hitler: RIP OUT MY URKEL-LOVING HEART, LORD, LORD! DON'T YOU RIP OUT MY URKEL-LOVING SOOUUULLL!!!
- Jerk's parody commercials, which include a very ear-painful Patrick Duffy commercial and a surreal Thighmaster commercial.
Commercial: So it's easy to squeeze, squeeze, squeeze, squeeze, SQUEEZE, SQUEEZE, SQUEEZE, SQUEEZE-
- Jerk's song for the "inspirational montage"? "Learning To Read Made Me Cool", an obvious community service contractual requirement.
- When the show has a Critical Research Failure during the subplot of Flash riding every Disney World ride.
Flash: As soon as I'm done with Astro Orbiter, I'm on my way to Alien Encounter.Mark: Negative, repeat, that's a negative, Flash. Plans have changed on Alien Encounter. Access route is impeded. Parade in progress.Jerk: ...but, both those things were in Tomorrowland. The parades never went through Tomorrowland.Mark: Please choose alternate route going through Fantasyland, and proceed directly to Jungle Cruise, over.Jerk: That does go through the parade! Are you insane?! You- ...you're trying to sabotage him. You commie bastard, you were working for the Ruskies this whole time! You diabolic-Jerk!Mark: (points gun) Just back away, man. You have no idea how high this goes.Jerk: ...take it easy, alright, it's just a theme park-Jerk!Mark: IT'S NEVER JUST A THEME PARK! This involves the NSA, the World Bank, S.H.I.E.L.D., Rob Ford! You think Pinetta's was erased from history by accident? IT KNEW TOO MUCH!!Jerk: Calm down, okay? I mean, it's Step by Step, I'm going to forget everything about this episode the instant it's over, it's Step by Step- oh my god.Jerk!Mark: What?Jerk: The show's called Step by Step, and it's about stepsiblings.Jerk!Mark: Whoa...Jerk: I literally just this moment noticed that.Jerk!Mark: Holy Christ on a cracker...Jerk: This show is deep!Jerk!Mark: I know, right?Jerk: So, we still on for bowling on Thursday?Jerk!Mark: Only if you buy the shoes!
- After seeing Flash being suddenly hired to play Indiana Jones in the Indiana Jones Epic Stunt Spectacular, Jerk plays a movie montage of characters yelling "NOOOO!!!" that lasts for almost a whole minute.
- "Where do you draw the line between suspension of disbelief and false advertising?"
Commercial: Disney World: Where your kids perform death-defying stunts in front of thousands of witnesses and the restraints on thrill rides are optional because Mickey Mouse ice cream bars give you the power to fly and if you buy two of every plush toy your mom and dad will get back together and grandma will finally wake up!
- After Flash breaks the world record for riding all the Disney World rides in under 4 days:
Boy Meets World Goes to Disney World!
Sabrina The Teenage Witch Goes to Disney World!
- "Previously On Next Time" (fast-forwards through the entire episode) "And now, in slow motion."
- Jerk's nickname for the show and Animal Kingdom: "Girl Meets Other World" and "Epcot 2: Acoustic Zoogaloo."
- "Magic: Because Fuck You"
- After Sabrina casually whines about causing El Niño during a magic exam:
Jerk: Millions of innocent people lost everything they own including their lives at my hand. Their tears will haunt my dreams forever! (Wah-wah sound effect)Narrator: That's next week on That Darn God!
- The frequent Harry Potter references, including dubbing her witch exams as her "O.W.L.S." and claimed she needs to practice her "Gobblydegook" (goblin language).
- After Sabrina's teacher Mr. Kraft gives the cast their hotel numbers while at the entrance of Animal Kingdom:
Jerk! : As you can see, I've brought you all the way here to the park entrance only to send you away to your hotel rooms! Wasn't that a nice trip? You see, I psychologically torture you young ones to compensate for being one of the greatest comedians of my generation and yet... stuck playing a clueless principal on ABC. ...well, at least it's not a clueless dad on Fox.
- The sketch after Sabrina's aunts use a fossilized bone to resurrect a caveman in which Sabrina's aunt (Played by the Wire) keeps killing Sabrina (also played by the Wire) and resurrecting her after 100 years to solve her sitcom-y problems.
- Sabrina: My history homework doesn't make any sense. When did we go to war with Legoland?
ABC Goes to Disney LAND!
- "Jim Belushi drowning in a sea of diarrhea!
- The return of Pinetta's.
Back to the Future: The Ride
- The Nostalgia Critic cameos and chides the Jerk for taking so long to put out another video. He also insists that every review of a Back to the Future product have at least one bad Doc Brown impersonation, leading to a Terrible Interviewees Montage of Doc impersonators.
- In Part 3, Critic interrupts again to criticize Jerk for improperly handling a scene in which Doc Brown, played by Christopher Lloyd, sends the time machine back to the ice age, "a day when everything was frozen".
- Jerk's very Long List of things that have now changed because the ride went so far back in time. To prevent the following quote from turning into a mess of potholes, a list of each work the Jerk references in the following sentence can be found here.
Jerk: George Bailey was never born, Buckbeak was put down, Mr. Peabody was put down, the Doctor stole the Supreme Being's map, the Rainmaker killed all the Loopers, Austin Powers' mojo was turned into Soylent Green, Ted Theodore Logan got sent to Military School in Alaska where he knocked up Sarah Palin's dog and created a dog man who evolved into the Morlocks who worship Sonmi-451 and use seashells for toilet paper, Bill Murray got stuck in a time warp, Tom Cruise got stuck in a time warp (Beat) again, Homer fixes his toaster, Fry had sex with his grandma, Blendin wins at Globnar, Time Cop arrested Ashton Kutcher, Boglodites invaded Earth, Bowler Hat Guy's Bowler Hat enslaved the Robinsons, Turkeys prevented the first thanksgiving, Rob Coudrey joined Motley Crue, Pottersville was sued into bankruptcy by J. K. Rowling, Captain Kirk was Chris Pine, Marty McFly was Eric Stoltz, the drug dealer in Pulp Fiction'' was Michael J. Fox, Peyton Reed was fired from this ride and replaced by Edgar Wright and everyone loved the results (But it still closed), the Lizard People all got existential crises, Mike Nelson was replace by his brother Eddie, Jeff Wringer rolled a one and everyone turned evil, Miranda July's cat died, some french guy reconnected with a women he saw once, Donnie Darko (Beat) I don't know, Skynet created the sentinels and killed everyone, aliens raised the dead, apes control the planet, 9/11 never happened, the Omega-13 destroyed the UNIVERSE...
- The Cloud Atlas reference when talking about Biff Tannen:
Jerk: The manure-hating douchebag, whose manure-hating douchebagginess transcended generations, through centuries and centuries of Tannens, in an almost Nietzschean loop of Eternal Recasting.old!Biffnote : No matter what you do, it will never amount to more than a drop of manure in a limitless butthead.young!Biffnote : But what is a butthead, if not a multitude of manure?
- "Uh oh, it's late October! Where are all the Halloween decorations? (Beat) Shut up."
The Simpsons Ride
- The episode teaser has Jerk curled up in a ball and chanting "Can't ride, clown will eat me. Can't ride, clown will eat me."
- Not having many major criticisms with the ride, Jerk decides to resort to nitpicking by invoking the spirit of Comic Book Guy.
- The countdown numbers use specific Simpsons moments where they say the numbers ("Tonight on the 11 o'clock news", "But nooo, you had to be 10", etc.)
- His utter disbelief that Harry Shearer wouldn't do voice work as he demanded too much money, but Kelsey Grammer, one of the highest paid TV actors at the time, was perfectly willing to reprise Sideshow Bob.
- "Park still looks fake."
- "Not Lenny!"
Shrek 4 D
- Jerk's long list of ways you can get Shrek 4 D:
Jerk: And though the film was technically owned by Dreamworks, they agreed to keep it exclusive to Universal Studios Hollywood! And Florida. And Japan. And eventually Singapore. And Movie Park Germany. And Warner Brothers Movie World in Australia. And it aired on Nickelodeon once. And it was shown in UK cinemas with these movies. And it was released on DVD. And on Netflix. And YouTube. And given away free with your breakfast, but other than that...
- Gingy warns parkgoers to leave the ride when they still have a chance. Jerk takes this seriously, and exits the ride and does numerous other things at Universal. When he attempts to leave the park in his car, the DVD of the attraction is right there waiting for him to force him to review the ride.
- Jerk trying to catch the floating DVD throughout the park must've been hilarious to many an onlooker at the time as well, because before editing, he's basically swatting at nothing.