Funny / Some Jerk with a Camera

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Season 1

    The Country Bears 

     Ten Years of Disney California Adventure 
  • The new TGWTG opening begins with Jerk kissing his hair, saying: "Luscious locks!"
  • Jerk returns ten years after California Adventure's opening, expecting to attend a huge anniversary and instead meets... a workwall.
  • "You can't spell decade without DCA (Disney California Adventure). Or ECD (Elderly Cockroach Disease), or CAE (Charos Aborted Elephants) for that matter; it's all discussed in my two week seminar: 'How To Spell Things With Other Things', next month at the Madisson Radisson."
  • "Yes, DCA is turning ten years old, and like most California ten year-olds it's getting its first facelift."
  • To make room for DCA, Disneyland's new parking lot became the second-largest in the world, "dwarfed only by... the Detroit airport."
    Jerk: Because if I lived in Detroit I'd want to leave too! If my car was built there, it'd probably get as far as the airport before it blew up.
  • "Eisner really wanted to save up for his huge yacht to hold all his smaller yachts."
  • Jerk's interpretation of why California Adventure was built, with then-CEO Michael Eisner as a Card-Carrying Villain.
    Michael Eisner: Ve vant zhe tourists to schtay in ze park. Vhy do they leave ze park?
    Disney Employee: Uh, well, uh, Mr. Eisner sir, according to the market research we've done, people leave so they can explore the rest of California!
    Michael Eisner: Then ve vill bring the rest of California HEEEEEEEERE!!!
    (lightning crashes as "The Bells of Notre Dame" plays)
    Frederick Frankenstein: It! Could! Work!!!
  • Jerk visiting the actual landmarks DCA has replicas of, just under a day's drive away.
    Jerk: (at the Golden Gate Bridge) Yeah, it's okay but, if only it had a monorail going across it. (at the Palace of Fine Arts) Yeah, it's semi-breathtaking but, if only it had a Whoopi Goldberg film in it. (at entrance to Disneyland) Yeah, it's good but, if only it sucked, then you'd have something!
  • Jerk's imagines how the tractor "ride" must have been thought up.
    Jerk Exec: (on cellphone) We need something big, that will really attract people. Some... huge attractor.
    Jerk Worker: (taking notes) Huge... tractor, got it. (finishes note and groans)
  • Jerk's parody of the California Adventure commercials, where Buzz tells Goofy to not go to the park because "nobody likes a nosy neighbor".
    Buzz: Nah, they'll be alright; they have a tractor!
    Goofy: I thought I was supposed to be the idiot...
  • Is It Still There?. All of it.
    • The show is introduced as "America's only game show", hosted by Jerk, starring Jerk, and with the two contestants Jerk and Jerk.
    • Both Jerks fail the first two questions so the final question is worth 100 points, "rendering this entire exercise meaningless."
    • "Uh, who buzzed in? Jerk or Jerk?" "It was Jerk."
    • The show ends with both of them losing and being shipped away for medical experiments.
  • The dramatic music leading up to the park's central monument...
    Jerk: A big ol' hubcap that looks almost exactly nothing like the sun. (gets up close to camera) It's like you wanna fail.
    • Later on, Jerk shows off the now-improved Ferris Wheel sun.
    Jerk: It's the exact same ride, but now Mickey's on it! Hi Mickey! (waves) He never waves back.
  • Due to the parks failure, Jerk likens the park to an annoying neighbor that just won't move away.
    Jerk: Sure he's got a cool flight simulator in his basement, but then you gotta talk to the guy. And he's boring.
  • Don't worry parents! We've got booze!
  • Jerk's extremely positive "complaints" about California Screamin'.
    Jerk: There's no story so it's no good! Hmph!
  • Jerk describes California Adventure as "the Jan Brady of theme parks, the Art Garfunkel of theme parks, the Disney California Adventure of theme parks..."
  • After seeing the amazingness of Tokyo DisneySea.
    Jerk: ...the Japanese beat us at something that combines technology with artistry?! How is that even possible?! We're way smarter than the- well, no. Our cartoons are way better- well no. Our sexual perversions- (sighs) We're taller! That's right! We! Are taller! Than them! USA! USA! USA- I'm gonna go get drunk...
  • After introducing the very boring rides of "A Bug's Land".
  • When discussing Aladdin: The Musical.
    Jerk: Apparently Aladdin was in California the whole time! (Caption: "When cameling on the I-5, visit beautiful Agrabah, CA.") Well, that does explain the customer service. (Clip of Jasmine about to get her hand chopped off for not paying for an apple.)
  • "But even with three new things, DCA wasn't quite a match for the greatest thing of all time."
  • "You saw nothing. (Neuralyzer flash'') "Cawwifornia."
  • "Disney finally traded in the ESN in Eisner's name for a G."
  • The talking Mr. Potatohead.
    Jerk: (whispering) It's a real potato. We genetically mutated it. It's gonna kill us all sometime in the next five years. Shhh!
    • Later:
    Mr. Potato Head: Let's try that again: "I love you, Mr. Potatohead!"
    Kids: I love you Mr. Potatohead!
    Jerk: It demands your worship.
  • "By 2012, assuming the Mayans were wrong and this doesn't happen..." (Earth explodes)
  • "A workwall means progress, a workwall means the future, a workwall means: 'come back and give us more of your hard-earned money next year.' And what could possibly be more Californian than that?"

     Star Tours (The Original 1987 Classic) 
  • SJWAC's reaction to the Opening Scroll at the beginning.
    SJWAC: Why are these words all backwards? (beat) Damn, kids.
  • The conversation between the Star Wars re-enacters.
    [Re-Enactor]: Wait, you're FOR blowing up planets?
    SJWAC: (defensively) I happen to think it looks cool.
  • The Wire, Spazzmaster, and SJWAC's conversation about Some Jerk remaining "cautiously optimistic" about the new Star Tours.
    Some Jerk: And now only this gift shop remains, until June 3rd when the new ride opens. But for better or worse it'll never be quite the same. Despite all our prays, the deal has been altered further. And I gotta tell ya. I. am. cautiously optimistic.
    The Wire and Spazzmaster: What?
    Some Jerk: I know, I'm surprised too, but I am cautiously optimistic.
    Spazzmaster: Jerk, what is wrong with you?
    The Wire: HE'S A WITCH.
    Some Jerk: Look, I'm sorry, but even after Jar-Jar and Greedo and Jake Lloyd and Hayden Christensen and Jar-Jar and Boss Nass and the rat tail and the midi-chlorians and Jar-Jar and all the CGI and Jar-Jar and Jar-Jar and Jar-Jar and the eternal C Span footage and that stupid fucking monologue about sand and all that "you get to see him as a little kid" bullshit. And even after (plays the clip of Darth Vader going "NOOooOOOoooOOOooo!"), (shrugs) I still remain cautiously optimistic. Sorry.
    The Wire: Jerk, you're friends are all here. So why don't you show us on a the Ewok where Star Wars touched you?
    Some Jerk: (takes the Ewok toy) Look, I already told you, I must have been asking for it!
  • One word: Ketchup.

     Top 11 Florida Attractions Not in California 
  • The Jerk calls Florida a "dong-shaped Jew cemetery."
  • Phil Buni's rants about Florida and Floridians.
  • The Jerk gets photobombed and stops his show just to incite his viewers to hunt, torture, and kill the photobomber. While several people are photobombimg in the background during his pseudo-PSA.
  • The new TGWTG outro has an Ironic Echo to the original footage when Jerk reveals that Maelstrom, one of his prior choices, has closed to be replaced by a Frozen ride:
    Anti-Ranting Jerk: Let. It. Go.

     Captain EO 
  • The Jerk's idea of what happened to Captain EO after the movie. He is tried in Galactic Superior Court where he is found guilty of insubordination. He and his sister (who is being punished for showing her nipple) are put on a colorless spaceship and sent to a deserted planet where they populate the world. And the descendants of their unholy incestuous union still live on that planet today. And that planet is called...EARTH!!!
  • From the TGWTG intro:
    SJWAC: "CAPTAIN EO IS STARLORD'S REAL FATHER! Fess up, Kevin Feige, I figured it all out, didn't I!?"
    • Later.
    SJWAC: C'mon, at least he's gotta be Groot's real father! (Cue baby Groot dancing to Michael Jackson)

     Halloween Time at Disneyland 
  • Some Jerk describing how not scary Disney is at Halloween time.
    SJWAC: What kid with healthy imagination wouldn't get psyched over "Mickey's Not-so-Scary Halloween Party".
    (in black and white, dramatic music plays)
    SJWAC: It wasn't just scary, kids. I can handle scary. It was not so scary. (thunder strikes) I'm sorry, it's not an easy thing to relive. I think I might have PNSO, Post-Non-Traumatic Stress Order from just how not-so-scary it was. It was so not-so-scary that just remembering it is enough to drive even the toughest man sane. (giggling maniacally) I'm sorry, I was thinking of something really funny Craig Ferguson said last week. (in a demonic voice) But I digress. (whispering) It was not-so-scary, kids. It was not-so-scary.
    Rosenhacker: So how much fun do you think I would have had?
    SJWAC: Not much.
    Rosenhacker: Yay?
  • Some Jerk talking about Ghost Galaxy (or Space Mountain) and trying to figure out what the galaxy ghost is.
    SJWAC: All they change about the ride is the music, the lighting, and the projections and it feels like a totally different experience in which you get chased through the cosmos by... this thing, a fiery vengeful spirit demon ghost thing with... Can I get some help on this one from a ghost expert?
    Ray Stantz: What you have there is what we refer to as a focused non-terminal repeating phantasm.
    SJWAC: No, I meant a real ghost expert.
    "Real" Egon Spengler: They shouldn't have the energy for roving attacks.
    SJWAC: No, I meant a non-fictional ghost expert. Just anyone with a basic cable show.
    Conan O'Brien: Space Ghost is obviously a space man who died and became a space ghost.
    Conan O'Brien: FACE IT, SPACE GHOST!
    Space Ghost: No.

  • His parody of "What's This" during the review of "Haunted Mansion Holiday", ultimately ending with "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS??!!
  • The Splash Mountain song.
  • "Wow, this might actually be a one-part episode if I can keep my hilarious digressions to a minimum. Speaking of which, I read the most fascinating article on Lithuania the other day. It seems..."

     It's Small World Holiday 
  • To the tune of Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious: "Donald Duck brand orange juice tastes like rancid goat piss!"
    • And before that:
    Andy: Now, Woody...he's been my pal for as long as I can remem-
    Andy: -never give up on you. Ever.
  • Wanna know how much Jerk wants to suppress the song? If you listen carefully when he's talking about how The Lion King made fun of it, you can actually hear him replace Zazu singing "It's a Small World" with Jerk (as Zazu) singing "Psycho Killer", just like he promised he'd do every time he cut to a clip with the song.
  • The Jerk's "Small World" parody song, which he uses to defeat the ride.
  • He introduces a whole list of guest stars for the multi-part review. It starts out normal, featuring people who have either already appeared in the review but then it starts getting silly with a guy eating a sandwich listed as "President Gerald Ford", a guy doing backflips as "Big Skip McJimmy, The Wacky Abortionist", a cat falling off a table as "Former President of Chad Hissène Habré", and Texas Gov. Rick Perry as "Dickery Douche McDerpHitler, culminating with "Weird Al Yankasomething!" (credited as Wordd Efl Yarnkkelvllit.chy) Hilariously enough, Weird Al actually appears in the review!

Season 2

     Star Tours: The Adventure Continues 
  • According to the All-Being, there are alternate dimensions that have no war but Jews aren't allowed there. Apparently Mel Gibson was right.
  • "Thirty-seven. She has thirty-seven hopes." "In a row?"

     Thirty Years of EPCOT 
  • The Jerk goes to check out the new The Little Mermaid ride only to be entrapped by Chris Hansen (played by Il Neige), who took his remarks out of context and mistook him for trying to molest a teenage mermaid.
  • The Jerk compares EPCOT to an STD: A wonderful burst of output followed by a lifetime of painful regret.
  • The Jerk wonders why Germany, Italy, and Japan didn't get pavilions at EPCOT. He then uses his powers as a "Jewish controller of the media" to demand a Germany-themed ride. Cut to him getting onboard a train, saying, "If you kvetch long enough, things will happen to you!"
    • Even funnier is the better version of the joke he says he should have used in the commentary: "If you kvetch long enough, you will find a final solution!"
  • The Jerk tries to riff "Ellen's Energy Adventure" only to find that Ellen has already thought of all his jokes. But he finally gets a victory when he realizes the caveman who makes "an important discovery" is played by Michael Richards. "He discovered the racial epithet!" Cue cheesy music and goofy dance.
  • The Running Gag in which Jerk (and Phil Buni at one point) mentions a race of Bolivian mice genetically engineered by Disney to crawl inside the human brain before getting cut off for "cranial remodulocation."
    • And a bit of Fridge Logic in The Stinger when Phil goes on to say "As not a human, that doesn't really bother me so much." (beat) "Death to the humans!"
  • "Previously on ACID!"
  • "So let's review. EPCOT was a failed Experiment. It wasn't really a Prototype of anything 'cause they never built another one. It wasn't a Community 'cause nobody lived there. And it didn't magically transport you to Tomorrow unless you fell asleep on Universe of Energy (which was quite likely). It was barely even Of."
  • "If Spaceship Earth was a golf ball, you'd need a forty-four hundred foot club, and a seven-hundred foot dancing gopher! I gladly volunteer my services." And then there's the dance he does...
  • The commentary is pretty straightforward for the most part, but things get interesting after Tony starts playing "My City of Ruins", a song he wanted to underscore a montage but, following Hurricane Sandy, he thought it'd be in poor taste to use it. It makes for pleasant background music, until Figment pops up and begins wreaking havoc, leading Tony to try and kill him in increasingly violent ways. Once the deed is done, the music continues playing from the "With these hands" part...then a chorus of Tonys (and Figment) start singing along and Tony sings some trivia about Eisner to the tune of the song. Then there's a record scratch, the song ends, and the commentary resumes as normal.

     ABC Goes to Disney World! 
  • "Luscious locks" makes a return into the Channel Awesome new intro, now referring to literal door locks.
  • "Remember the 1990s? That magical decade where Kurt Cobain became king of Pride Rock, Bill Clinton had an affair with a Velociraptor, and Quentin Tarantino sold Bart Simpson's soul for pogs in the Wicked-Wicked-Wild Wild West?"
  • "I devoted an entire introductory episode just to explaining the concept, which I literally just explained in- ''seventy-one" -seconds. [...] Endure!"
  • Jerk's depicts the ABC laugh track audiences as being so brainwashed as to laugh at everything, including Michelle Tanner saying cutesy snarks, "That's a lotta fish" from Godzilla (1998), and even Simba finding his father dead from The Lion King. Bonus points in that the shot of the audience laughing at the last scene includes Jerk himself laughing in the crowd.
  • Jerk parodies Walt Disney's early "infomercial" documentaries about the building of Disneyland with an informercial of his own.
    Spazz!Narrator: Tired of the tired of thrillful drudgeries of rollercoasters?
    The Wire: There's got to be a better way!
    Spazz!Narrator: Introducing Disneylandia, a coaster-free experience guaranteed to enhance your life.
    Il Neige: Wait-wait-wait, so are you telling me an amusement park could actually enhance my life?
    Jerk: Who are you?
    Spazz!Narrator: I'm over here.
    Il Neige: (turns around) Wait-wait-wait, so are you telling me an amusement park could actually enhance my life?
    Spazz!Narrator: Why, just listen to these convincing testimonies.
    Rosenhacker: Thanks to Disneylandia, I learned to believe in everything!
    Spazz!Narrator: I learned exactly why God kills people!
    Jerk: ...what's a Disneylandia-
    All: Thanks, Disneylandia!!!
  • "And The Mouse had very little to do with ABC until the 1980s, when a former ABC senior vice president named 'Oh god him again' became the new CEO of Disney."
  • When Eisner and Mickey ride the Sky Tram.
    Jerk: "Oh crap, the skyline's stuck again. Can someone get them down before one of them eats the other? If Mickey finds out how good Jews taste, we're all doomed. (beat) Oh, too late. So, who wants to let me live in their attic?" (Laugh Track)
  • Jerk's most meta gag yet: After the fake commercial is over, he wipes the grainy film off the screen and shoves the letterbox aside with his elbows.
  • Jerk's ABC theme show parody, which plays a dozen theme songs simultaneously in an inaudible cacophony, stars him as every character, keeps going well after it should have ended, and results in him trying to escape it, to the point that he shoots him, nukes his city, and then is car-chased by it live on the Golden Gate Bridge. In fact, it ends up resembling a certain show openings parody that debuted a year later...
  • Jerk's Escape from Tomorrow parody.
  • Jerk attempts to pass himself off as Elvis back from the dead, now in the "lucrative field of Internet reviewing".
    Jerk!Elvis: (Glasses Pull) You know, they don't shoot me below the waist neither. (Dances to "Jailhouse Rock")
    • Later:
    Jerk: They kicked me out for my Elvis dance, the bloody Philistines. Also I drunkenly urinated on the Walt statue. Also it's a block-out day.
    The Wire: Well that's just what you get for using the front gate like a sucker! (Beat) Disney cops. Gotta run!
  • Jerk notes the laugh tracks still playing during the Disney World episodes, and wonders if the audiences were forced to tag along to laugh at the characters.
    Jerk: (''canned laughter) Can we go ride rides now?
    ABC Exec: NO! We're paying you to laugh, not to have fun!
  • "Can you imagine having Disney World being advertised at you this incessantly? Even without other sh-" (Cut to Blip Disney World midroll ad, before Jerk blows it up with the TNT from Toontoon.)
  • After Jerk gets trapped inside a TV, he only has to mention the Disney World episode of Full House before the TV vomits him out.

     Full House Goes to Disney World! 
  • The title card illustration for the review: With a camera set up, a mic, a light commanding laughter, the little Olsen twins smiling in an eerie manner, a sweaty smiling zombie like Danny, a sweaty smiling zombie like Uncle Joey holding a hand puppet, a sweaty looking Jerk, and Uncle Jesse looking sweaty and bright-eyed.
  • The "memorial" card before the review:
    This video is dedicated to all the men and women who were tragically killed or injured in the Disneyland dry ice bombing of May 28, 2013. All zero of them. Never forget.
  • Calling Uncle Jesse Mystique's ex-husband.
  • Mocking Aunt Becky for asking if they get to be together in the honeymoon suite.
    Jerk: Nope all Disney Honeymoon suites are in separate rooms. Just in case a monorail crashes through the wall due to gross incompetence, we wouldn't want the kids to see what you're doing, now would we kids? (cuts to a room full of bored children) We wouldn't want to see the lurid, sexual kinds of deviancy I'm about to describe to you in graphic detail now would we? You see kids, when a Mommy and a Daddy, and another Mommy and a coconut love Kahlua very, very much....
  • Jerk trying not to comment on Michelle claiming she gags if she doesn't sit next to the window seat.
  • Cutting to clips of Tea Party demonstrations when Michelle suggested a tea party with the Disney characters.
  • Poking fun at how the characters split into subplots.
    "They'll never find me here."
  • Making Alanis Morissette references about Uncle Joey.
  • Voiceovers done for Chip and Dale poking fun at Aunt Becky and Uncle Jesses' anniversary lunch date being missed, at Becky for thinking Jesse would never forget their date and at Jesse for divorcing Mystique.
  • Poking fun at Uncle Joey getting high while cartooning.
    • "I see you've found the peyote. Leave at least a little for Katzenberg, will ya?"
  • Calls Child Services for the Tanners not taking the girls to Disneyland (despite not hurting for money and living in California).
    • He's put on hold.
  • The Aladdin references and calling them out for missing a chance to make a joke that breaks the fourth wall by having just D.J.'s boyfriend appear as Aladdin.
    Full House. We're too lazy for lazy.
  • Pointing out the Unfortunate Implications of having a kid make any wish they want (world domination, a trillion dollars, and making Eisner eat his beloved cat).
    And thus began the horrifying, bloodthirsty reign of Ol-sen the Inspid!
  • "Sic Semper Tyrannus, Bitch!"
  • All the dark comedy jokes about the older girls plotting to kill Michelle and one where Michelle wanders off, with voiceovers by Jerk.
    D.J: Conference.
    Jerk! As D.J.: Let's leave our six year old sister completely unattended in public so we can discuss how we're going to kill her. I say we take her out in Great Moments with Mr. Lincoln in Maximum Irony.
    Jerk! As Stephanie: They don't have that here.
    Jerk! As D.J.: You're kidding.
    Jerk! As Stephanie: No, all we have is the Hall of Presidents, bitch will probably make us do that 20 times.
    Jerk! As Kimmy: Look, we've discussed this before, no matter how many Olsen Twins you kill, they'll just keep regenerating. You have to find the head Olsen twin and impale her with a broad sword.
    Jerk! As Stephanie: Awww, all I brought was two seven stars and a dagger. I brought them through security because 9/11 hasn't happened yet.
    Jerk! As D.J.: What's 9/11?
    Jerk! As Stephanie: I don't know.
    • Later
    Jerk! As Michelle: La la la! I like candy! And I trust everyone! La la la!
  • Making fun of Stephanie's feelings being trivialized.
    Jerk: Do you trivialize Social Issues too?
    Jerk! As Stephanie: It's just not fair that we don't have marriage equality.
    Jerk! As Stephanie: What?
    Jerk! As Uncle Joey: I talked to a cartoon today.
    Jerk! As Stephanie: Great! Go bug him.
  • Finally Michelle stops acting like, quote, "a selfish twat this week" and passes the crown to Stephanie.
    Michelle: I'm defecting to SeaWorld while the revolution attacks you!
  • Jesse and the Rippers take the Castle stage!
    Jerk: It's like watching Pat Boone and Michael Bolton playing hockey in a vat of whipped cream and rice! It's so's blinding me!!!!!!!!
  • Jerk's rant about this episode.
    Uncle Joey: Yes San Francisco and live from Disney World...
    Jerk: Are you even listening to yourself? Why are you broadcasting across the damned country? Why is Snow White a deejay? Why is your booth promoting a radio station you can't even get there? Why are there characters in the crowd? How the fuck are those fireworks so legible? How the shit are either of you eligible for a contest if your Uncle's been hired to perform there? (sees Uncle Joey dance with Snow White) Why in the name of Jehovah is any of this happening!?!?
    Metatron: I believe the answers that you seek lie within my companion.
    (Jerk looks horrified while Alanis Morissette gets Uncle Joey's and Snow White's heads exploding while singing "You Oughta Know")
    Jerk: Okay! Okay! I get it! Luckily my hair is so long I couldn't hear that.
  • Jerk screaming when he sees Steve Urkel and the beginning of the stinger for the reviews:
    To be continued...
    Girls: Michelle! Michelle!
  • Jerk telling Olivia Wilde that having his baby won't solve anything and then yelling "How is TRON: Legacy my fault?"
  • The credits rolling with Weird Al Yankovic's polka of "You Oughta Know".

     Family Matters Goes to Disney World! 
  • The title card with Jerk on a log for Splash Mountain stopping to drown Steve while a box of Urkel-Os floats by.
  • Jerk's rant about Urkel.
    Jerk: (regarding Urkel's catchphrase) Of course you're the one who fucking did that! You're the most that-doing motherfucker in the multiverse!
  • Calling the Winslow family the Matters.
  • His insert of Stefan when Laura mentions Stefan Urquelle.
  • His rant about how Family Matters is a nerd minstrel show and how real nerds aren't this clumsy. He then does the same clumsy antics Urkel did.
  • His reaction to the camera zooming in at Carl:
    Jerk: Oh my God! He's getting bigger!
  • All the Die Hard clips used when involving Carl, even after Richie makes a snarky comment and then it cuts to Reginald Vel Johnson's character in Die Hard lamenting how he shot and killed someone yet it looks like it's not illegal to commit that to a child.
  • "This November, Steven Urkel becomes Buddy Love...I mean Stefan Urquelle."
  • Even pointing out Carl being an Ungrateful Bastard after talking about how no Steve in Disney World is great, despite "The bastard taking me to Disney World!"
  • Cinderella seating Laura at a throne with a cutaway to a film clip where a man is about to torture his seated captive.
    • Same scene, after watching the elaborate set up Stefan did for Laura, Jerk states he should've just hired a hooker since it's cheaper.
    • "Can you believe we're on the same stage that Jesse and the Rippers performed? It's my generation's Woodstock."
    • His expression at hearing Laura's last name:
    Jerk: Who the fuck is Laura Winslow? This is a show about the Family Matters. That's Laura Matters, Carl Matters, Harriette Matters, Marshall Matters, Grandma Matters, and Jerry Matters as The Beaver.
    • His confusion over whether the proposal is a dream sequence or was occurring in the plot and the overreaction to Laura stating "Ketchup" as yes to the marriage proposal.
  • His rant about how Disney World is "wasted on you people" and then starts to correct himself before he dives into the pond.
  • The Phil Buni non-union replacement ranting about Florida as a reaction to Carl wanting to move to Orlando after spending time in Disney World :
    Replacement: Florida is the worst thing to happen in the history of worst things! It is so backwards, it makes the guy behind me totally walk backwards! Everyone in Florida is an abortion. Millions of abortions walking around, talking to each other, not even knowing they're abortions, because they're so dumb. In Florida, they don't even incarcerate their murderers, because if you're murdered in Florida, at least because you don't have to live in Florida.
  • The sounds of bees occurring during on-screen kisses.
  • Mocking Stefan for moving Myra to another spot nearby just to tell her the bad news, laments how Urkel of all people has two gorgeous girlfriends fighting over him, and then ranting at the asteroid from Captain EO for breaking his heart.
  • The celebrations for Stefan stating he'll never be Steve again.
  • Rip out my Urkel lovin' heart!
  • Stating the difference between Canadian Pooh and Italian Pooh.
  • Him telling Laura that just because life is based on a lie doesn't mean she can't be happy.
    Jerk: No, look, just because your life is a lie doesn't mean you can't be happy. Just look at me! My whole life is a lie and I'm happy as a clam! I've never told anyone this but I am Nicole Simpson's real killer. Yeah. And I shot Tupac. And Biggie. And JFK. And JR Ewing. I escaped from Gitmo twice and I still have the tag to prove it. I- I– I- *pause* I am Jack the Ripper. And the Zodiac Killer. And Keyser Söze. And the undercover cop in Reservoir Dogs. Uh, I started the goddamn Chicago fire. I canceled Firefly! I'll confess to whatever you want just please for the love of god don't bring Urkel back from the dead.
    • His facepalming after Urkel came back and then Sursum Ursa's outraged reaction to his rant:
    Sursum Ursa: You...canceled... Firefly? ... You monster! (confronts the camera)
  • This gem:
    Urkel: It alters my DNA code on a genetic level, changing me into a completely different person.
    Jerk: I call it a retardis!
  • David Lander's character's reaction to Urkel being played over and over as gospel music from The Blues Brothers are played.
    This is an outrage! You are an embarrassment to science, technology, and pants. You're a fraud!
    Jerk: Preach it Squiggy!
  • The end of The Stinger
    Disney World Ad: Disney World. Even we don't think you should live here!
    • To Be Continued....
    The Girls: Michelle! Michelle! Michelle!

     Roseanne Goes to Disney World! 
  • The title card. Takes place in It's a Small World, with Roseanne and Dan looking crankily at Jerk while he watches the boats of people behind them start getting hysterical or burning, and Jerk getting a message on his walkie-talkie begging him out.
  • Comments that certifiably crazy people make the best tv...sometimes. Then cuts to a clip of Roseanne interviewing Weird Al on her short-lived talk show.
  • The Running Gag about Roseanne ruining Disney Animation.
  • Talking about how Roseanne did a going to Disney World two parter and right after "Edelweiss Gardens" episode came on satirizing or not satirizing Disney World.
  • He equates It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia as Roseanne's spiritual successor.
    Jerk: People tend to forget how un family-friendly Roseanne was at the time and yet she got a Disney World episode. Because even especially the world's most selfish, despicable, back-stabbing monsters still deserve to wait in line for Big Thunder Mountain right in front of you!
    Darlene: And yet another federal offense I witnessed in this house.
    Jerk: And if you sent that kind of Disney World today... (looks worried)
    (Music for It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia comes on) "The Gang Accidentally Burns Down EPCOT": It's Always Sunny In Lake Buena Vista
  • Jerk wonders how he's going to review the Connor Family going to Disney World, especially since the show had more cynical jokes than the previous sitcoms that came to Disney World and they were more self-aware and included 4th wall jokes. All he can point out are inaccuracies.
    Jackie: I was readin' about this. You know this used to be all Orange Groves.
    Banky Edwards: Wrong coast.
    Jackie: But that's not what one Mr. Walt Disney saw, he saw that lake, he saw that castle!
    Jerk: (standing at EPCOT) He mostly saw a giant unfeasible city of the future that never happened before he dropped dead. But on the other hand...Movie Clip!
    The Dude: Not wrong Walter, you're just an asshole!
    Walter: Okay then.
  • All the references to John Goodman's films, including The Big Lebowski and King Ralph.
  • His answer to Aunt Jackie being stressed over how to squeeze in vacation time.
    Jerk: Oh come on Andy's Mom, just get Andy's Dad. How hard can it be to get him out of Gitmo?
  • Snarking at their hotel activities, like when Mark remarks on eating steak for breakfast:
    Mark: Man, steak for breakfast. I feel like, like, Merv Griffin!
    Jerk! As Merv Griffin: Dead! (fakes a heart attack)
  • Remarking on how "When You Wish Upon A Star" was so easily replaced by something more appropriate....The 1812 Overture!
  • The crowd looking at Spaceship Earth, and then he remarks that he stared at it so long, he swore it moved.
  • Dan in Germany at EPCOT's World Showcase
    Dan: So where's Sgt. Shultz?
    Dr. King Shultz: These days I practice a new profession... bounty hunting.
    (Rewinds and then repeats Dan's question and the clip)
    (Dr. Shultz fires a pistol and then cuts to Col. Erhardt getting shot)
    Col. Erhardt: Shultz!
    The Dude: Fucking Nazis.
    Jerk! As King Ralph: Seriously, I'm the King and my name is Ralph!
  • This joke was just too soon. It involves Bev babysitting the babies at Toontown and putting on their Mickey Mouse hats.
    Bev: Oh look at us we're the three Mouseketeers. Except I'm the only one with the stuff to be Annette.
    Jerk: Yeah, you do look like you'd die in a coma.
    (gets punched)
  • Jerk doesn't like Darlene (who's incapable of fun and letting others have it) much.
    David: You know, DJ, I think it'd be fun to just sit with Darlene.
    Darlene: You're not going to be just sitting David. In a minute, I'm going to have you go fetch me a Coke
    Jerk!As David: (Smiling) I'm back with your Coke (Giggles and throws it in her face)
    Darlene!As The Wicked Witch of the West: AAAAAAA!!!!!!! I'm melting! Melting! Oh, what a world! What a world!
  • What Does This Look Like! after Winnie-the-Pooh starts hugging Darlene, implying that the two are humping each other but everyone viewing the Dumbo ride down and the Sky Way was working.
  • The reference to two characters played by Johnny Galecki and David's favor of flannel.
  • The clips of the Edelweiss Gardens episode and stating that it seemed as though the show was making fun of Disney World...or not
    • Stating that Roseanne just chewed off Phil Buni's head off and his last words cursed Florida
  • Jerk getting shot in the head after Roseanne told David "We don't whistle while we work!" with Walt commenting and the Edelweiss employees cover their ears.
  • Wondering who Darlene's baby daddy is...David? Or...
    Jerk!As Keith Richards! As Winnie-the-Pooh: Oh don't act so surprised mate! Everyone knows I've had more illegitimate cubs than you've had sandwiches! (Chuckles) I don't even bother to wear pants mate!
    Jerk: Please don't call me mate.
    Jerk!As Keith Richards! As Winnie-the-Pooh: Well you want to know something else luv?
    Jerk: What else?
    Jerk!As Keith Richards! As Winnie-the-Pooh: (Sliding on honey) This ain't honey!
    Jerk: Ewwww!!!!! Gawd!
    • Or did Walt somehow put his seed in Darlene?
  • At the end of the review, Jerk complains that there was a lack of cheesiness in the episode and he was starving from the lack of it, then sees he's reviewing Step by Step. Then takes a large bite of a hunk of Swiss cheese.
  • The moral of the story? Winnie-the-Pooh does have a Hundred Acre Wood!

     Step by Step Goes to Disney World! 
  • The title card with a dazed Jerk holding a Polaroid of the Foster-Lambert family with Cody/Flash crossed out with Patrick Duffy's character looking hunched over and a spastic looking Carol entitled: Memories? There is also a billboard in the background telling people to eat at Pinetta's.
  • The Running Gag that the show is so unmemorable that Jerk forgets it just a few seconds after watching it.
    • "This show is like a televised blue pill; You took it and you instantly forgot everything about it!"
    Jerk: Oh boy, a new show with Patrick Duffy! I like him! (munches popcorn) Wow! Patrick Duffy's in this show too! He looks great for his age. (munches more popcorn) Holy shit, is that Patrick Duffy? Wow, this show just gets better and better. (notices popcorn) This is popcorn! I love popcorn! Hahaha- where am I?
    • "I watched this episode earlier to prepare and then instantly forgot everything about it, so excuse me while I watch it again." (Caption: Forty-four minutes later)
    • "So they go to Disney World thanks to their grandmother..." (one minute later) "So they go to Disney World thanks to their grandmother, played by June Lockhart of all people..." (two and a half minutes later) What am I doing again? Oh yeah, this shit. So they go to Disney World thanks to their grandmother, played by June Lockhart of all people...
    • It even makes its way into the Clip Show parody TGWTG intro.
    Jerk: Say, remember the show Step By Step?
    Spazz: No.
    Jerk: Me neither!
    (he smiles into space while Spazz stares at him)
  • After JT blows all of his and Rich's money over a date.
    Rich: As soon as I can scrounge up enough money for bus fare, I'm heading back to Port Washington and find myself a new friend.
    Jerk!Rich: And then I'm gonna be in A Goofy Movie, and Spirited Away, and Fairly Oddparents, I'm gonna get tons of voice work you're GONNA GET SHOT IN BOTH ARMS OVER A TRAFFIC DISPUTE!!!
  • Jerk musing over the rollercoaster in the "county fair" opening of the show.
    Jerk: As a side note, that thing must be a bitch to lug from county to county every summer. (sees the Six Flags Sky Tower in the background) Ohhh, it's Magic Mountain, that makes perfect sens- HOLY SHIT THE I-5 HAS FLOODED!! IT'S THE APOCALYPSE!!! AAAAAAAAAAAA-
  • After recapping the show's Cliché Storm plot:
    Sgt. Powell: They got the universal terrorist's playbook, and they're running it step by step.
    • "And now my Step by Step review is stealing Die Hard references from my Family Matters review. Have you no shame?!"
  • When Jerk sees the mother is named Carol just like the mother from The Brady Bunch.
    Jerk: It was already blatant Brady Bunch ripoff and they had the gall to name the mother with hair of gold "Carol", out of all the female names. You know what, I actually kinda admire that. So many writers go to such great length to hide their thieving hackery, and this show flat-out embraced it. I mean, Mark Zuckerberg didn't call his site "Winkelbook", Vanilla Ice didn't call that song "Ice Ice Pressure", and I sure as hell don't start every show saying-
    Jerk!Nostalgia Critic: Hellooo, I'm the Vacation Critic. I encounter it because you don't get to! Do you ever start out a sentence very calmly and rationally, AND THEN EXPLODE INTO A FIT OF RAGE FOR NO GOOD REASON?!?! This is Step by Step!
    Jerk: You know why I don't do that? Because I. Don't. Know. Why. Either. I've forgotten everything again. ...what am I doing?
  • "Doesn't summer vacation last longer than one week? Apparently not! Fuckin' Obama..."
  • After Carol tells Dan some innuendo-laced teases in front of their infant child:
    Jerk!Lilly': Every time I see a Disney park commercial I just start screaming and puking and I don't know why. I can't even watch Blip anymore-
    Jerk!Therapist: What the hell is Blip...
    Jerk!Lilly: And it's even worse with their new ad campaign.
    Commercial: Disney World: Where your parents have sex.
    Grandma: Jean-Claude and I have plans.
    Commercial: Disney World: Where your grandma has better sex.
  • Jerk's utter confusion over the characters' going to a fictional Disney World restaurant called "Pinetta's." The closest equivalent he finds is a an obscure restaurant in Louisiana.
    Jerk: Was it this hard to find an expensive restaurant in Disney World?! The freaking churros have installment plans!
  • "This joke brought to you by IMDb: What you do instead of things!"
  • So, is anyone else a little unnerved by how horny everyone is...
    Commercial: Disney World: Basically an orgy with churros.
  • When the girls learn about a country music contest for a college scholarship.
    Jerk!Southerner: 'Cause if there's one thing we country folk love, it's higher edumacation! Ain't that right, Mater?
    Jerk!Mater: Sure! I hired me a Cajun last week! Then I ran him over for talking French!
  • After Dana calls Karen the "queen of the Nashville Nazis".
    Jerk: I've just found the name of my new cover band.
  • Jerk's parody commercials, which include a very ear-painful Patrick Duffy commercial and a surreal Thighmaster commercial.
    Commercial: So it's easy to squeeze, squeeze, squeeze, squeeze, SQUEEZE, SQUEEZE, SQUEEZE, SQUEEZE-
  • Jerk's song for the "inspirational montage"? "Learning To Read Made Me Cool", an obvious community service contractual requirement.
  • When the show has a Critical Research Failure during the subplot of Flash riding every Disney World ride.
    Flash: As soon as I'm done with Astro Orbiter, I'm on my way to Alien Encounter.
    Mark: Negative, repeat, that's a negative, Flash. Plans have changed on Alien Encounter. Access route is impeded. Parade in progress.
    Jerk: ...but, both those things were in Tomorrowland. The parades never went through Tomorrowland.
    Mark: Please choose alternate route going through Fantasyland, and proceed directly to Jungle Cruise, over.
    Jerk: That does go through the parade! Are you insane?! You-'re trying to sabotage him. You commie bastard, you were working for the Ruskies this whole time! You diabolic-
    Jerk!Mark: (points gun) Just back away, man. You have no idea how high this goes.
    Jerk: ...take it easy, alright, it's just a theme park-
    Jerk!Mark: IT'S NEVER JUST A THEME PARK! This involves the NSA, the World Bank, S.H.I.E.L.D., Rob Ford! You think Pinetta's was erased from history by accident? IT KNEW TOO MUCH!!
    Jerk: Calm down, okay? I mean, it's Step by Step, I'm going to forget everything about this episode the instant it's over, it's Step by Step- oh my god.
    Jerk!Mark: What?
    Jerk: The show's called Step by Step, and it's about stepsiblings.
    Jerk!Mark: Whoa...
    Jerk: I literally just this moment noticed that.
    Jerk!Mark: Holy Christ on a cracker...
    Jerk: This show is deep!
    Jerk!Mark: I know, right?
    Jerk: So, we still on for bowling on Thursday?
    Jerk!Mark: Only if you buy the shoes!
  • After seeing Flash being suddenly hired to play Indiana Jones in the Indiana Jones Epic Stunt Spectacular, Jerk plays a movie montage of characters yelling "NOOOO!!!" that lasts for almost a whole minute.
  • "Where do you draw the line between suspension of disbelief and false advertising?"
    Commercial: Disney World: Where your kids perform death-defying stunts in front of thousands of witnesses and the restraints on thrill rides are optional because Mickey Mouse ice cream bars give you the power to fly and if you buy two of every plush toy your mom and dad will get back together and grandma will finally wake up!
  • After that brief bout of Illinois Smith and the Temple of Dumb, Jerk forgives the episode's events, just as long as it doesn't retread any of the previous Disney World episodes' mistakes... and the VERY NEXT CLIP is of the brothers riding the Twilight Zone Tower of Terror. And the bellhop in this clip looks EXACTLY like the one in the "Family Matters" episode.
  • After Flash breaks the world record for riding all the Disney World rides in under 4 days:
    Jerk: And two years later Animal Kingdom opened and his record got smeared with an asterisk. (Super Mario Bros. Death music)

     Boy Meets World Goes to Disney World! 
  • "You know, this whole time I've been trying to do a nice review show of sitcoms that joined cults. The Full House Jonestown episode was a heartwarming masterpiece!"
  • The inexplicable lack of bees during on-screen kisses.

     Sabrina The Teenage Witch Goes to Disney World! 
  • "Previously On Next Time" (fast-forwards through the entire episode) "And now, in slow motion."
  • Jerk's nickname for the show and Animal Kingdom: "Girl Meets Other World" and "Epcot 2: Acoustic Zoogaloo."
  • "Magic: Because Fuck You"
  • After Sabrina casually whines about causing El Niño during a magic exam:
    Jerk: Millions of innocent people lost everything they own including their lives at my hand. Their tears will haunt my dreams forever! (Wah-wah sound effect)
    Narrator: That's next week on That Darn God!
  • The frequent Harry Potter references, including dubbing her witch exams as her "O.W.L.S." and claimed she needs to practice her "Gobblydegook" (goblin language).
  • After Sabrina's teacher Mr. Kraft gives the cast their hotel numbers while at the entrance of Animal Kingdom:
    Jerk!Kraft: As you can see, I've brought you all the way here to the park entrance only to send you away to your hotel rooms! Wasn't that a nice trip? You see, I psychologically torture you young ones to compensate for being one of the greatest comedians of my generation and yet... stuck playing a clueless principal on ABC. ...well, at least it's not a clueless dad on Fox.
  • The sketch after Sabrina's aunts use a fossilized bone to resurrect a caveman in which Sabrina's aunt (Played by the Wire) keeps killing Sabrina (also played by the Wire) and resurrecting her after 100 years to solve her sitcom-y problems.
    Wire!Sabrina: My history homework doesn't make any sense. When did we go to war with Legoland?
  • His reference to the Weird Al Show:
    Jerk: But 'insert other thing that Caroline Rhea has done here' here helps Harvey escape the bitch by turning him into Weird Al's hamster!
    "Weird Al" Yankovic: Run Harvey run! Faster! Faster!
    Jerk: But then that show got cancelled, so he became a safari tour guide whatever!

     ABC Goes to Disney LAND! 

Season 3

     Back to the Future: The Ride 

     The Simpsons Ride 
  • The episode teaser has Jerk curled up in a ball and chanting "Can't ride, clown will eat me. Can't ride, clown will eat me."
  • Not having many major criticisms with the ride, Jerk decides to resort to nitpicking by invoking the spirit of Comic Book Guy.
    • The countdown numbers use specific Simpsons moments where they say the numbers ("Tonight on the 11 o'clock news", "But nooo, you had to be 10", etc.)
  • His utter disbelief that Harry Shearer wouldn't do voice work as he demanded too much money, but Kelsey Grammer, one of the highest paid TV actors at the time, was perfectly willing to reprise Sideshow Bob.
  • "Park still looks fake."
  • "Not Lenny!"

     Shrek 4 D 
  • Jerk's long list of ways you can get Shrek 4 D:
    Jerk: And though the film was technically owned by Dreamworks, they agreed to keep it exclusive to Universal Studios Hollywood! And Florida. And Japan. And eventually Singapore. And Movie Park Germany. And Warner Brothers Movie World in Australia. And it aired on Nickelodeon once. And it was shown in UK cinemas with these movies. And it was released on DVD. And on Netflix. And YouTube. And given away free with your breakfast, but other than that...
  • Gingy warns parkgoers to leave the ride when they still have a chance. Jerk takes this seriously, and exits the ride and does numerous other things at Universal to the tune of "Raindrops Keep Falling on my Head." When he attempts to leave the park in his car, the DVD of the attraction is right there waiting for him.
    • Jerk trying to catch the floating DVD throughout the park must have been hilarious to many an onlooker at the time as well, because before editing, he's basically swatting at nothing.
  • Spazz, Conspiracy Guy, and Kill Bosby appear as ghosts. Spazz was eaten by Figment (and he still defends him) while it's left unclear how Con Guy and Kill died.
  • All the stuff with Kill Bosby, including Jerk and Spazz's reactions to him due to the real-life rape allegations against Bill Cosby.
  • Part 1 ends with Gingy saying "That (gingerbread) house cost me a lot of dough!" and Jerk, Spazz, Conspiracy Guy, and Kill Bosby just staring coldly and silently into the camera.
    • In Part 2, Jerk blames this pun for the two month hiatus the show went on.
  • When Jerk calls the Ghostbusters for help, Janine (played by Spazz's wife Haley) says they don't help Channel Awesome contributors because Nostalgia Critic's old sketch with Casper made them look like amateurs.
  • When Jerk asks how to destroy a ghost, the ghosts say they can only be destroyed by a mysterious figure whose face has never been seen. That menacing horror? Pac-Man.
  • The use of Neil Cicierega's "Imagine All Star People" as the credits song.
  • Jerk blames Beetlejuice for driving him crazy, but when he tries telling him off, he and the ghosts (including Casper) start dancing and singing "The Banana Boat Song". The kicker is that, since this is just a theme park actor playing Bettlejuice, he has no idea what's going on.
    Beetlejuice: This guy, I don't know...
  • Jerk tells off the editor for the ridiculous things he did in the review, but the editor (revealed to be Kill Bozby) replaces his rant with sentence-mixed Self-Deprecation.

     Escape from Tomorrow 
  • Jerk opens the review complaining about being overshadowed by a project with a similar gimmick. Naturally, he's ranting about "MTV'S 'JERKS WITH CAMERAS?!' ARE YOU SHITTING ME?!"
    • MTV: "Uuuuuugggghhhh!"
  • The Disneyholics meeting with cameos from multiple Channel Awesome members, including Linkara.
  • Jerk is still filming his show in Universal Studios and refuses to go to Disneyland, even though Escape from Tomorrow was filmed in Disneyland and Disney World. He leaves Universal when Spazzmaster tells him that Comcast owns Universal and shoots a new intro in an empty, overgrown urban lot. After this, he constantly changes locations throughout California for the rest of the review.
  • Him advertising Oancitizen as "The Cine-Kyle" in the style of an infomercial.
    • Who eventually breaks when too much Mind Screw happens even for him.
  • His reaction to the opening of the film where a park guest gets decapitated by Big Thunder Mountain Railroad.
  • His reaction to the director's statement that the movie "was not a Ben Stiller comedy."
    Jerk: Tear up your annual passes folks, this is "Night at the Museum 4: Escape from Tomorrow."
  • His bafflement of the fact that the movie hired Production Designers even though it was filmed at Disneyland/Disney World.
  • The movie managed to make It's a Small World worse than it already was.
    Jerk: Oh my God, I didn't think it was possible, but this music is even worse! Someone give this composer a medal, he just climbed Mount Everest while juggling flaming chainsaws and dividing by zero! He is one with the gods!
    • Jerk calls the ride to tell it that the movie's interpretation of the ride wasn't as scary as Jerk's experience with it. The ride calls him out for the rape jokes that he made during the "It's a Small World Holiday" review. Jerk then remembers that he also asked the ride to explode in that review. And the ride explodes. Again.
  • After noticing a guy in the background looking at the actors in bewilderment:
    "Annnd this guy is offically my favorite character in the movie. It's not even a photobomb, it's photo-humanitarian relief efforts for victims of a bomb. He has no idea why these idiots are suddenly leaving the lines so close to the front of it!" *cut to Jerk* It's all fake you see. Th-the ride didn't actually break down, there is no Santa Claus, the Disney characters are just costumes with people in them, and I'm pretty sure I'm a genius visionary for figuring those things out," *reaches his hand out to the camera* "OSCAR PLEASE!"
  • After the first mention of "Cat Flu":
  • Jerk's rant on the notion that Disney Land's turkey legs come from emus, due to how rare emus are.
  • Jerk searches for the movie's plot in a mailbox, a K-Mart and a portal to the future that leads to Fury Road.
  • Jerk's reaction to the sudden sex scene, and the fact it actually happened and wasn't another one of Jim's fantasies. He compares its randomness to a Cards Against Humanity session, which cuts to Linkara at the Disneyholics meeting reading a card selection.
  • Jerk going through the pool scene, which is almost six minutes long with nothing happening.
    Jerk: Jesus. When it rains, it pours.
    • What street is Jerk standing on when this scene happens? Sunset Boulevard.
    • Only for Jerk to be disappointed when it turns out that Jim did not drown.
  • Jerk's reaction to the scene where Jim refers to Spaceship Earth as a giant testicle.
  • At a certain point, Jerk wonders why he's even watching the movie, then he realize it's because it's similar to his "surface level gimmick." He then decides that he hates cameras, but he can't seem to escape them.
  • At the Gainax Ending, Jerk screams out a "WHAT" so long that he's still doing it 150 years later when he's a skeleton, only stopped when a Terminator steps on him.

     The Haunted Mansion 
  • Count Jackula is thrilled to learn that Jennifer Tilly is in this movie and even more thrilled to learn that she's playing a disembodied head but he is disappointed to learn that she will be playing a human head.
  • Count Jackula and Horror Guru mistook Heimlich's Chew Chew Train for a very underwhelming ride based on The Human Centipede.
  • Jack's "I Want" Song about the movie's incredible set and props which somehow ends with him singing about resurrecting Gracey's slaves as zombies and starting a race war.