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Funny / Monk

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  • "Mr. Monk Meets Dale the Whale". Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck is laugh out loud funny even if he is Monk's archenemy:
    Man on phone: I’m sorry, Mr. Biederbeck, that’s out of the question.
    Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Hold on. Hold on. Now is it Danny or Daniel?
    Man on phone: Danny, sir.
    Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Fine, Danny. If you screw with me. I’ll eat your heart on a stick. Now the SEC—
    Man on phone: My boss is busy right now, sir.
    Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: I know your boss is busy, Danny! I’m watching him. Tell him Dale Biederbeck wants an answer now, not later. Now! Is he in or out? If he’s in, tell him to... clean his glasses. [Cuts to a business conference on one of Dale's TV monitors. An aide comes in and whispers into one man's ear. The man immediately removes his glasses and cleans them]
    Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Congratulate the congressman. He’s just been reelected to a fifth term. [He chuckles, turns off his phone and reaches for a plate of corndogs] Oh, it’s better than the Home Shopping Network. [Dr. Vezza takes the plate away from him]
    Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I’m not finished!
    Dr. Christiaan Vezza: [sternly] This stuff will kill you.
    Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: I’m not gonna die. You won’t let me, will you, Doctor?
    • In that same episode, Randy's theory for how Dale could have lost the weight and gained back the weight to commit the murder: Reverse Liposuction. The look of horror on Stottlemeyer's face when he hears this story is hilarious.
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "Oh my think that's possible."
    • Randy then suggests that they ask a doctor about it.
  • During the summation in "Mr. Monk Goes to the Circus", Monk and Stottlemeyer get increasingly irritated by a clown who is there miming everything while they're about to arrest Natasha Lovara for shooting her ex-husband, and later killing an elephant trainer while covering up her involvement in the first killing:
    Floppy the Clown: [mimes pointing a handgun at Natasha] Whakah Whakah!
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Alright, that's it freak, you're under arrest!
    Clown: For what?!
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: For impersonating an officer!
  • "Mr. Monk and the 12th Man": This sequence at the police station.
    Lt. Randall Disher: Captain. Captain! [hands Stottlemeyer a file] Washington just sent this down. It’s a prelim psych profile. [Stottlemeyer puts the file to his forehead]
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Let me guess. The killer is: between thirty and forty-five years old, white, male, does not work in an office, probably spent time in the military, and definitely hates his mother. [hands the file back to Randy]
    Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, how’d you know?
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Because that’s what they always say. That’s scrap paper. [Monk is looking at a board containing the victims' photos] What about the ten dollar bills? Anything on them?
    Lt. Randall Disher: They’re from a bank in San Mateo, Wells Fargo, untraceable.
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Of course they are. [addresses the other detectives] All right, everybody, listen up! Listen up! We’re not gonna find him flailing around in the dark. Let’s communicate, keep each other briefed. We’re going dumpster diving. We’re gonna… [sees Randy putting up a piece of blank paper on the victim board] What are you doing? What is that?
    Lt. Randall Disher: I’m leaving a space for the next victim.
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Take that down. Take it down!
    [Randy removes the sheet]
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: There is no "next victim". We’re stopping the son of a bitch at ten.
  • "Mr. Monk and the Garbage Strike": Monk loses it due to a garbage strike. And one Big-Lipped Alligator Moment happens when he accuses none other than Alice Cooper for the murder (complete with Cooper actually cameoing as himself in the clip for the summation) and him answering seriously when asked how exactly he is going to clean up the city:
    Adrian Monk: One bag at a time, one truck at a time!
    • Keep in mind that his plan was to fill up a truck, then drive it into the ocean. And then apparently swim back to shore and get a new one, and do it all over again.
      • And in the second summation, Randy actually seems to take it seriously enough to point out the inconsistencies in it, until Stottlemeyer stops him by asking, "Do we really need to poke holes in the 'Alice Cooper wants a wingback chair' theory?"
    • Monk proposes a different plan to the mayor on how to solve the sanitation strike. Specifically, that since the stench will ruin the city for all of eternity. His proposal: first, they evacuate the city completely. Then they burn down the city to scorched earth. Then to be safe, the ashes are burned a second time, at which point the city is repopulated and rebuilt with that fresh-off-the-lot smell. And while they're at it, they can even straighten out Lombard Street.
      • The "straighten out Lombard Street" bit was also featured in the novel Mr. Monk and the Blue Flu when Monk and Natalie are in the mayor's office.
    • At the beginning, we see Monk ship off his garbage to an unknown address with a UPS man. Later, an epic Brick Joke: Monk is seen talking to Dr. Kroger about why he always hated garbage, while men can be seen tossing lots of garbage bags into the courtyard in the background. Then there's a beat, and:
    Dr. Charles Kroger: Adrian, have you been sending me your trash?
    Adrian Monk: [laughs] No.
    Dr. Charles Kroger: See...I've been getting boxes of trash, sent to me in the mail.
    Adrian Monk: Really?
    Dr. Charles Kroger: Yeah, really. Now, Adrian, don't try to deny it. It's all sorted by color and food groups. It’s your handwriting on the label.
    • True story: I tried telling my mother this joke, and I kept cracking up before I could quote Kroger's "Adrain, have you been sending me your trash?" quote.
    • For extra humor: During the scene with the UPS man, Monk is told he has to send it to some address. His first instinct: ask the UPS man what his address is.
  • In "Mr. Monk Visits a Farm," to investigate Harvey Disher's death, Monk goes to a square dance hall to interview some regular attendees to see if any of them heard the gunshot the previous month. While there, he is noticed by Sheriff Butterfield, who ropes him into going square dancing with her. As the dance goes on, Monk is like "Please, get me out of this". The scene is a thousand times funnier by the mere fact that we are watching Tony Shalhoub look uncomfortable while dancing with his real wife Brooke Adams.
  • In the episode "Mr. Monk Goes to the Hospital", Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher are investigating the murder of Dr. Graydon Whitcomb. A piece of a plastic seal is found that the hospital director identifies as coming from an oxygen tank in the geriatric ward. So they go up to the room in question and encounter Hank Johansen, an 82 year-old, bed-ridden invalid who is nonetheless tough as nails and takes an instant dislike to the Defective Detective. He eventually picks out Monk's nickname (the utter contempt in his voice it what truly makes it a CMoF): "I'm gonna call you "soft serve"! Like the ice cream! Soft and squishy!"
  • In "Mr. Monk Goes to a Fashion Show", Monk and Natalie try to get into Julian Hodge's fashion show to grab Julie. Which doesn't work as planned:
    Guy at entrance: Name?
    Adrian Monk: Puff... daddy.
    • Then he gets into a small debate about how he shares his name with the rapper and claims to have been born first.
    • During the show, when Monk and Natalie are searching for Julie backstage:
    Adrian Monk: Natalie! Don't eat the food! I just saw four models back there throwing up!
  • In "Mr. Monk and the Three Julies", Natalie basically steals Stottlemeyer's new car towards what she thinks is her daughter's murder. Twice. The first time this happens, the passenger's side mirror is damaged and is hanging from the door precariously by just a couple of wires. The second time this happens, Stottlemeyer comes over to his car and we find that the hood has crumpled and it looks like the car has taken a head-on collision with a wall:
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [drops his hands, exasperated] What the hell happened? It was only two miles!
    Natalie Teeger: I took a shortcut. I... cut across the creek. [beat]
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: There's no bridge across the creek!
    Natalie Teeger: I know.
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: There's no bridge across the creek.
    Natalie Teeger: Yes, I know.
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to himself] There's no bridge across the creek.
    Natalie Teeger: Captain, I am sorry. I will pay for everything.
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's okay. It's insured. [tries to wipe off a now permanent smudge]
    Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah remember, sir, that you did say any parent would have done the same thing.
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [clearly regretting having ever said that in the first place] Uh-huh. I think I need to be alone.
    Natalie Teeger: Here. [She tries to help by forcing the hood down, but it doesn't work]
    • When Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher show up at Matthew Teeger's house for the first time to check out the most promising lead:
    Lt. Randall Disher: What a dump.
    Adrian Monk: But you can tell it used to be beautiful. How could something like this happen?
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't know; maybe Natalie drove it someplace.
    • Monk talks to Dr. Kroger after finding the dead body of Matthew Teeger's mother propped up in a rocking chair:
    Adrian Monk: [grabbing a tissue] I just want to thank you again for seeing me on such short notice. Were you sleeping?
    Dr. Charles Kroger: No, no, no, happy to do it.
    Adrian Monk: Your wife wasn't too happy. I could hear her in the background.
    Dr. Charles Kroger: No, Madeleine is fine. It's part of the job and she knows that.
    Adrian Monk: Does she have tourette syndrome?note 
    Dr. Charles Kroger: [thinking for a while] Yes! Yes she does. So, uh, a glass eyeball?
    Adrian Monk: The mother died three months ago, the son never reported it.
    Dr. Charles Kroger: Now, hang on, did the son kill the mother?
    Adrian Monk: Well the doctors say no. It was a heart aneurysm. Her son, Matthew, is an amateur taxidermist. He stuffed her body, carried her from room to room, like nothing happened.
    Dr. Charles Kroger: Yeah, I've heard of cases like that. You see, he couldn't function without her. And they call it radical cognitive bonding.
    Adrian Monk: At least I never dug Trudy up and had her stuffed and mounted, right?
    Dr. Charles Kroger: Yes, and I've always been very proud of you for that.
    • As they set up the trap to nail Matthew Teeger:
    Police Technician: Tape is rolling. [sneezes] Could you hand me a Kleenex? [Monk hands him the Kleenex box]
    Adrian Monk: Kills 99.9% of all cold and flu viruses. Only 99.9. [A scratching noise is emitted over the wire]
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, what are you doing?
    [Upstairs, Randy is dressed in drag and a gray wig, sitting in the rocking chair Monk found the mother's body in, and adjusting his bra]
    Lt. Randall Disher: My bra's itching. How do they walk around in this stuff?
    Police Technician: This is a new low.
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Actually, it's not a new low. That's the sad part.
    Lt. Randall Disher: [through his wire] He's never gonna buy this.
    Adrian Monk: Dr. Kroger thinks he will. Matthew Teeger has suffered a pure psychotic break. He's in complete denial. His mother never died, not to him.
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The important thing is that we keep him talking.
    Lt. Randall Disher: What if he has a knife?
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He's right. We need a code, a phrase, in case he's in trouble.
    Lt. Randall Disher: Uh, how about, "Mother of God, he has a knife!"?
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No it has to be covert. It has to sound conversational, sound natural.
    Adrian Monk: How about this: "I wish there were ten of them."
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Ten of what?
    Adrian Monk: Of anything.
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, you see, Monk. I don't think anyone would say that.
    Lt. Randall Disher: I've heard people say that.
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: All right. Look, here's the phrase: "Better late than never."
    • Adding on to that, the son doesn't actually have a weapon, but after falling for Randy's disguise, he says he "needs some sugar". Randy, while trying to stay in-character, panics as he tries to remember the code phrase. He eventually declares Monk's "I wish there were ten of them!", and Leland decides that's "close enough".
    • The scene where Julie is picked up by the police is funny in the sense of her exasperation, given she is unaware of the situation until it happens. She is starting a three-point turn, but midway through:
    Instructor: What are you forgetting? [pause] Your blinker.
    Julie Teeger: Oh, it's no big deal. There's no one around.
    [On cue, two police cars come barreling around the corner, sirens wailing, and screech to a stop in front of Julie's car]
    Julie Teeger: [panics] OK, I'm using my blinker! My blinker's on! [Natalie jumps out of the cruiser and frantically taps on the driver's side window]
    Natalie Teeger: Julie! Julie, thank god!
    Julie Teeger: Thank god! Julie! [She rolls the window down a little bit. Natalie opens the door and quickly gets Julie into a police car] What's going on?
    Natalie Teeger: You have to come with us right now!
    Julie Teeger: What's going on?
    Natalie Teeger: Sorry, sorry!
    Julie Teeger: Oh my God! It was just a blinker!
    • The scene where Randy comes up with two possible leads. The first one, the Matthew Teeger lead, they decide to follow up on. His second one:
    Adrian Monk: What about the other idea? You said you had two?
    Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, yeah. It's a just a longshot.
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [looks at the DVD in Randy's hand] The Terminator?
    Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, just brainstorming, you know?
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What, you think he might be a robot assassin sent from the future?
    Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah. Well, he was killing women with the same names. Forget it.
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [Ahnold accent] "Sarah Connor, come with me if you want to live."
    Lt. Randall Disher: Uh, that was T-2.
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [normal voice] Well, maybe we could, uh, lure him to a smelting plant on the outskirts of town. [They get on the elevator]
    Lt. Randall Disher: Can I have that back, please?
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [Ahnold accent] "And things of this nature..."
    • Oddly enough, Monk proposes the same theory as Randy first (only without the robot assassin from the future part), only to be shot down by Stottlemeyer.
  • When the cast accompanies him to Manhattan where he's following a lead on Trudy's killer, Captain Stottlemeyer and Randy sneak into the NYPD precinct house to look at the files of the uncooperative Captain Walter Cage (hilariously, Cage's actor, Mykelti Williamson, co-starred with Ted Levine as two of Lt. Vincent Hanna's detectives in Heat). The alarm on Randy's new counterfeit Rolex watch goes off, and The Captain tells him to turn it off. Unfortunately, Randy does not know how because the instructions are only written in Korean!
    • This was bound to occur, given this happens when Randy is describing the watch, he notes "I can tell you what time it is all around the world. It's 5:30 here; in Denver, 3:30; in California, 12:17; in Paris, France... time has stopped."note 
    • Then in the end, his misfortunes continue when he gets a watch that manages to somehow catch fire.
  • In "Mr. Monk Is Up All Night", Randy stops Jacob Posner and the guys who ripped Posner off while wearing Captain America PJs. And being drunk. Bear in mind it was effective because the cons were all confused.
  • In "Mr. Monk Meets the Playboy," it seems darkly humorous when Monk unwittingly reduces a bunch of Sapphire Magazine girls to tears by reading Trudy's poetry.
    • And earlier, when a girl tries hitting on him and asks him to take her for a ride, Monk replies, "I can’t. I don’t have a driver’s license. I mean, I have one, technically, but I hardly ever use it. I have trouble with the left turns, and the right turns. Turning. And yielding. Turning, and yielding."
  • Two moments in "Mr. Monk And The Really, Really Dead Guy". The first is because the special investigators use their advanced technology to come to the conclusion that the self-proclaimed serial killer threatening to strike again despises street performers (he killed one previously), so Randy dresses up as a street performer to lure the guy. As he stands there playing awful music and singing badly, Stottlemeyer tells the other investigators that there's a flaw in their plan, because :
    Stottlemeyer: the first person who attacks him may not necessarily be your serial killer.
    Agent Thorpe: Why's that?
    Stottlemeyer: It might be me.
    • The second is when Monk proves that Ludd Was Right by using old-fashioned deduction to solve the case where the advanced tech championed by the special investigators failed, and the killer flees. Stottlemeyer grabs the electronic recording device from one of the agents and throws it at the killer, knocking him down and allowing him to be captured, then quips:
      Stottlemeyer: Hey, you were right, one of your gizmos caught the killer!
    • In "Mr. Monk and the Really, Really Dead Guy," Dr. Kroger sings part of "John Henry" in an attempt to liven Monk's spirits after his old-fashioned methods get him kicked off a case by a rude tech-reliant FBI agent. Apparently, this was one time where Tony Shalhoub had a hard time trying to make it through the scene without corpsing.
  • "Mr. Monk and the Red Herring": Monk takes a look at a mummy, and immediately concludes that they were killed. Natalie tries to get him to hurry up by pointing out the mummy's been dead for centuries, to which Monk replies "there's no statue of limitations on murder."
  • "Mr. Monk Gets Drunk." Monk does just that. And then solves the case, delivering his summation while still completely hammered.
  • In "Mr. Monk and the Class Reunion," Stottlemeyer casually tells the guy at the clinic office he came a long time ago for a No Nukes rally. Cue a Brick Joke: at the reunion dinner, Stottlemeyer goes on stage and interrupts the slide show to ask for information on the homicide investigation. As he's talking, the projector suddenly shows some compromising photos of him in riot gear violently attacking protestors at a demonstration from the late 1970s/early 1980s. Everyone starts booing at Stottlemeyer. Monk and Natalie exchange looks that suggest, "Uhh..." and Monk shifts uneasily in his seat.
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: All right! Hey-hey-hey-hey! Look! Settle down! Settle down, everybody. This- [takes a quick look at the photograph being displayed] This is completely out of context. You can't tell the whole story from one photograph! [On cue, the projector shows a picture of Stottlemeyer using a nightstick. After a few more seconds of booing...]
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You didn't have a permit!
    Male Student: Yes, we did!
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It expired at noon! [the image changes to one of Stottlemeyer pointing at the Campanile clock tower, which clearly shows 12:05 PM]
    Male Student: 12:06!
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Like I said, it expired at noon.
    • Right before that, between Monk and Natalie: Monk is pointing out Kyle Brooks to Natalie and telling her that he is sure Kyle's up to something, but Natalie is exasperated by Monk's inability to stop thinking about Kyle. At that point, a college photo of Monk and Trudy sitting on a campus bench shows up in the slideshow, and Natalie is the only one who gives any sort of applause to Monk appearing in the photo. Capped by a woman at the table next to them recognizing Trudy, but struggling to remember Monk's first name even despite Natalie tapping her shoulder and pointing the present-day Monk out to her.
    • Near the beginning, Natalie notices that Monk's signed his form with a nickname she's never heard of.
      Natalie Teeger: "Adrian 'Captain Cool' Monk"? Who's Captain Cool?
      Adrian Monk: Me. That was my nickname.
      Natalie Teeger: You were 'Captain Cool'? [smiles] Why?
      Adrian Monk: Why do you think?
      Natalie Teeger: I don't know. [Monk leans back and stands with his hands on his hips and his right foot forward]
      Adrian Monk: Why do you think?
      Natalie Teeger: [grinning] I don't know!
      Adrian Monk: Look, I didn’t write the invitation! Did I?
      Natalie Teeger: Okay! Okay! Well, uh, good luck, and I will see you here at seven o'clock. Okay? [She teasingly strikes a mirror image of Monk's pose] Captain.
      • Since Monk is not someone who would traditionally be considered "cool", the viewer and Natalie are left to wonder what this nickname could possibly mean, until a Brick Joke reveals that he got his nickname from defrosting his refrigerator every weekend. Even funnier is when Stottlemeyer shows up and finds Monk defrosting the student lounge fridge while Natalie is napping on the couch:
      Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: There you are!
      Natalie Teeger: Captain, what are you doing here?
      Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Looking for you. I was about to give up when I heard some clowns downstairs talking about a guy up here defrosting a refrigerator. Who's Captain Cool?
      Adrian Monk, Natalie Teeger: [look at each other]
      [Two students come through]
      First Student: Captain Cool lives!
      Second Student: The return of Captain Cool!
      First Student: The Iceman cometh back! [They head down the hall, laughing raucously]
      Adrian Monk: It might be me. [Stottlemeyer gives him a look that silently says, "I figured they were referring to you." Monk turns and resumes defrosting]

  • "Mr. Monk Goes to a Rock Concert":
    • Monk, searching for a payphone to call a taxi, is struck by a blue beachball. He tolerates the first two times the same ball hits him, but when he's struck by the ball for a third time, he loses his temper:
    Adrian Monk: All right, who threw that?! Who threw that? Gi-give me that! [The ball is tossed over to him] Who was it?! You have to watch what you're doing! People's eyes got poked out with these things! Well, not poked out, but, cornea was scratched or bruised, or... discoloration! I'm next for the phone... [walks into the port-a-potty right next to the payphones and shuts the door behind him. The camera stays firmly focused on the exterior of the port-a-potty for about a minute. The music starts to swell up suspensefully, and as it climaxes, Monk exits the outhouse, refreshed...]
    Natalie Teeger: Oh! Oh! [rushes over, exasperated] Mr. Monk! What are you doing?!
    Adrian Monk: I was just calling for a taxi; they're gonna pick me up out front in about ten minutes!
    Natalie Teeger: [smiles] But, Mr. Monk, that wasn't a phone booth!
    Adrian Monk: No that wasn't a phone booth. Natalie, it was that horrible, plastic outhouse! [Natalie gently loops her arm around his and leads him away] Oh my God, what was I talking into?! Oh my God, where...where did I put that quarter?! For the love of God, Natalie! Where did I put that quarter?! [A repairman breaks open the port-a-potty next to them and Stork's body falls out]
    Natalie Teeger: [gasps] Oh my God!
    [A woman screams, noticing the body. Natalie grabs Monk's shoulder and covers her mouth, shocked]
    • Monk and Natalie are approached by Stork's girlfriend Kendra Frank:
    Kendra Frank: Excuse me! Excuse me! Hi, I heard some cops talking back there. They said you're some kind of detective?
    Adrian Monk: That's true. I am "some kind of detective"....
    Kendra Frank: Hi, I'm Kendra Frank. I'm a roadie with Trafalgar. [She shakes hands with Monk]
    Adrian Monk: Now, here..... [Monk hands Kendra a wipe]
    Kendra Frank: I was a friend of Stork's. [Kendra hands Monk's wipe to Natalie] Here. [sighs] I was more than his friend. I was his sponsor at Narcotics Anonymous.
    • Even funnier is that this comes right after the port-a-potty scene. Monk is obviously still in shock since Natalie is trying to calm him down when Kendra approaches them. It's clear that after that ordeal, he's probably still not thinking straight: Kendra shakes Monk's hand and Monk grabs a wipe from his packet, but he promptly offers it to Kendra instead of wiping his own hands. What sells it is the fact that Kendra takes it, and she almost promptly hands it to Natalie, and she does it while continuing to address Monk about Stork as if Monk hadn't offered her a wipe in the first place.
      • Also, at the point in the conversation where Natalie innocently suggests Stork got over his fear of needles and Kendra angrily replies, "You don't just get over a phobia like that overnight!! Do you?!" you can see Monk hearing her out while quietly slipping his packet of wipes back into Natalie's purse.
    • When Monk, Natalie and Kendra approach Kris Kedder after identifying a guitar string at the crime scene as his, Kedder makes a remark about Stork's drug abuse and trying to help him, a remark that disgusts Kendra, since she was his NA sponsor. Kedder ignores her remark and starts strumming out Stork's stolen song "Peggy's Gone to Memphis" and Kendra exchanges looks with Monk, almost as if the music sounds outright bad. Monk gestures with his right hand in a way that indicates, "Don't accuse him of anything, Kendra, until we've talked to this guy."
    • Back in "Mr. Monk Goes to the Dentist," Stottlemeyer suspects that Randy is trying to postpone a toothache appointment because he's saving his sick days for when he's not actually sick. Ten episodes later, Stottlemeyer catches Randy in the act of playing sick. So Stottlemeyer decides to get on his cell phone, which Randy answers:
    Lt. Randall Disher: [pretending to be wheezy] Hello?
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, Randy. How ya doing, buddy? I-I was worried about you.
    Lt. Randall Disher: Captain?
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yep?
    Lt. Randall Disher: [pretends to cough] What time is it?
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, I'm sorry! Did I wake you up? [pause] Hey, what's that music I hear?
    Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, [fake coughs] it's my stereo! It's broken! I can't turn it down!
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's LOUD!
    Lt. Randall Disher: Listen, Captain, thanks for calling!
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sure.
    Lt. Randall Disher: I'm gonna get up now; make myself some soup.
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Soup? Yeah soup is good; fluids are good. Drink plenty of fluids.
    Lt. Randall Disher: Fluids. Okay, thanks for calling, Captain.
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Take care. [Randy hangs up and turns to the woman next to him]
    Lt. Randall Disher: My boss! [Laughs as Stottlemeyer puts his hand on Randy's shoulder, surprising Randy when he turns around. Stottlemeyer is glaring at him] Whoa, Captain.
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Lieutenant.
    Lt. Randall Disher: Did you, uh, did you call in sick, too?
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, Randy. I'm looking for Jared.
    Lt. Randall Disher: Well, here's what happened with me: I was on my way to a doctor, and uh... I got nothing. Let's go find Jared. [takes one last sip from his beer bottle before putting it down and walking away with Stottlemeyer]
    • What makes it funnier is seeing Stottlemeyer sneaking up on Randy and Randy being totally oblivious to the fact that Stottlemeyer is right behind him. Stottlemeyer's tone of disbelief sells it.
    • Monk getting disgusted by a couple making out on the hood of Stottlemeyer's car:
    Adrian Monk: What are you doing?! Hey, this is the police captain’s car! How old are you? There’s no way you’re twenty-five! Excuse me! Attention, may I have your attention please?
    • Monk repeatedly ending his sentences with "Over" when communicating with Stottlemeyer over a walkie-talkie, while Kendra and Natalie are waiting by the crowd barriers blocking off the port-a-potty.
    Kendra Frank: So this is how he does it? From 100 feet away?
    Natalie Teeger: Not all the time!
    • Stottlemeyer argues with a girl who clearly cannot see the crowd barriers around the port-a-potty:
    Annoyed Girl in line: How long are you gonna be?
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: As long as it takes, miss. This is a crime scene.
    Annoyed Girl in line: With only one cop?
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh, it's not just me. You see that guy up there on the hill? He's a cop. [points to Monk] And this guy here's a police officer. [gestures to Randy, who is looking towards the stage]
    Lt. Randall Disher: These guys are great. Oh I hope they do "Killer Machine". [calls out] "KILLER MACHINE!" [Natalie and Kendra are clearly not amused]
  • "Mr. Monk, Private Eye": Monk is drowning in the ocean. He has to reach for a filthy bit of metal to make his escape. What does he do while he's drowning? He washes his hands!
    • Actually, it was a toilet seat floating in the water, which he thought was a life preserver until he grabbed it.
  • Part of the exchange between Murderuss and Randy Disher in "Mr. Monk and the Rapper". Murderuss is being detained on suspicion of involvement in the car bombing death of his big record rival Extra Large. He's primary suspect for a lot of reasons:
    Murderuss: I am not going to be putting a bomb under somebody's town car. You know me, I'm up close and personal, face-to-face.
    Lt. Randall Disher: Well, not according to this. [produces a CD, which he puts down on the table] Track 4. A little song called "Car Bomb."
    [imitates rapping]
    Lt. Randall Disher: "Ch, ch, ch. I put the bomb in your limo, that's what the surprise is / Under your seat, like Oprah giving prizes!" Sound familiar?
    Murderuss: Not the way you do it.
    Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, well, I wasn't really performing it.
    Murderuss: Look, you got to be one of the whitest white boys I've ever met. And I've met Kevin Costner.
  • A great one from "Mr. Monk and the Bully", when Monk and Natalie are trying to bribe a bartender into revealing information about his target:
    Adrian Monk: Hi, um, we're looking for this woman. [flashes a photo of Marilyn]
    Bartender: You a cop?
    Adrian Monk: No, no. Just an old friend.
    Bartender: Haven't seen her.
    Adrian Monk: OK. [Monk pulls out a $1 dollar bill and puts it on the counter] Maybe General Washington can refresh your memory? [He waves his hand over the dollar bill as if attempting to perform a magic trick]
    Bartender: Is that a dollar? [Natalie buries her face in her hands]
    Adrian Monk: [slowly winks] Okay, I get it. Who knows? Maybe there are [puts a quarter down] two General Washingtons. [The bartender walks away]
    • A moment with Randy, later:
    [while arresting the twin]
    Lt. Randall Disher: How do we tell them apart? [Marilyn coughs up salt water] Say "aunt."
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy? Let's arrest the one that wasn't drowning.
    Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, uh, that works too. [Stottlemeyer handcuffs the twin]
  • Randy has his moments in "Mr. Monk and the Birds and the Bees"
    [after arresting Rob Sherman for murder]
    Lt. Randall Disher: Backup disk. Oh, and I printed off a copy.
    Captain Stottlemeyer: [takes the photo; to Sherman] Ah. You and your friend take a very nice, very incriminating picture.
    Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, I put it on a mug, too. [shows the mug]
    Captain Stottlemeyer: What for?
    Lt. Randall Disher: Well I figure the jury might appreciate it. They're human. They get thirsty. "Exhibit A. Thank you very much." [takes an imaginary sip from the mug] "Mmmm, guilty."

  • Oh, Crap! moment in "Mr. Monk's Other Brother":
    [Adrian, Jack, and Natalie have interviewed prison guard Daniel Reese at his house and are leaving]
    Jack Monk, Jr.: Are you sure?
    Adrian Monk: I'm 80% sure he's the guy. [Reese immediately opens fire on them from the roof with a rifle and the three dive for cover behind a tool rack] I'm 95% sure!
  • In "Mr. Monk Is on the Air," even though Max Hudson is the killer and he does have some very inappropriate humor that Monk and Natalie dislike, you have to admit that some of the things he says are kind of funny:
    Max Hudson: Hey Howard Stern, if you're listening and I know you are, YOU'RE GOING DOWN, BABY!
    J.J.: Down! [plays an explosion sound effect on his computer]
    • Monk tries to correct the sign on the inflatable dummy in the control room, but Natalie tries to grab his pen, and they end up struggling]''
    J.J.: Cat fight in our control room! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
    Little Willie: Go left! Go right!
    [Monk swings, and accidentally stabs the dummy in the chest, deflating it]
    Max Hudson, Little Willie, and J.J.: OHHHHHHHH!!
    J.J.: Oh my God! He killed Mr. Limpey!!
  • In "Mr. Monk and the Secret Santa", Monk poses as a store Santa to get close to a suspect's daughter. Natalie, in a bright and cheerful voice, has to tell the kids about all the new rules regarding Santa, such as not breathing on him.
  • In "Mr. Monk and the Bad Girlfriend," Monk and Natalie have important information for Randy:
    Natalie Teeger: Randy, what we're about to tell you is absolutely confidential; you cannot repeat it to anybody.
    Lt. Randall Disher: Are you in love with me?
    Natalie Teeger: What?! No!
    Adrian Monk: I think Linda Fusco killed her partner.
    Lt. Randall Disher: What? I can't believe that. There's no way, Monk.
    Natalie Teeger: Am I in love with you?!
    • Then:
    Natalie Teeger: [sarcastically] Maybe she had a jetpack, like in those James Bond movies.
    Lt. Randall Disher: There's no such thing as a working jetpack. Don't ask me how I know.
    Adrian Monk: Randy, do you have any ideas? One of your crazy theories?
    Lt. Randall Disher: My crazy theories, like what?
    Natalie Teeger: Like me being in love with you?!
    Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, do you think that's crazier than Linda Fusco flying across San Francisco in a jetpack?
    Natalie Teeger: Too close to call.
  • The Running Gag with the living statue in "Mr. Monk Goes to the Bank".
    • First, Randy tries to unfreeze a living statue performer who may or may not have seen the aftermath of a bank robbery:
    Lt. Randall Disher: Excuse me! Lieutenant Disher, SFPD. You've got a pretty good view of the bank from here. We're investigating a robbery that took place earlier this morning. [beat] Sir?
    [beat; Randy flashes his badge]
    Lt. Randall Disher: Sir, this is official police business. It will just take a minute. If you're not too busy. [beat] OK, I know you can hear me. Look, I just saw you blink! You blinked.
    [Randy loudly shouts in the performer's face in hope that he will react; the performer doesn't so much as twitch a muscle!]
    Lt. Randall Disher: Oh I get it! [waves a dollar bill in front of the performer's face, then drops it in the collection box] Normally, we don't pay for information! So, what time did you arrive at the park this morning, sir?
    Lt. Randall Disher: Okay, you know what, pal? I can get a crane here in 20 minutes, lift you up and drag you downtown. [the Living Statue's alarm goes off as his break begins. He steps off his pedestal and grabs a water bottle]
    Living Statue Performer: It's my break, man.
    Lt. Randall Disher: Well, thank you. That's more like it.
    Living Statue Performer: [groans] This is my job! I mean, how would you like it if I came to your office and [screams and waves his hand in front of Randy's face] in your face, huh?! [He yells in anger again] Was I here? Yes, I was here. I've been here all day. I'm here every morning. Even Sundays.
    Lt. Randall Disher: Good. Did you see anything unusual at around 9:00?
    Living Statue Performer: Yeah. I, I saw a guy. About 5'10", green hoodie. He was hanging out, pacin' around. Looked kinda nervous, and then, he went inside.
    Lt. Randall Disher: Good. Did you see his face?
    Living Statue Performer: He had his hood up. Sorry.
    Lt. Randall Disher: Okay. Hood up. And then what happened?
    Living Statue Performer: Oh, about 10 minutes later, the alarm went off. And I saw... [his watch goes off, signaling the end of his break. He steps back up on his pedestal and freezes in place]
    Lt. Randall Disher: What? Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing? [No response. Randy laughs for a second] No, no, no, no! No, no, no. Don't. Don't do that. [pause] Hey, we're not done here! What did you see?
    • Later, Natalie tries even more unusual methods in a failed attempt to unfreeze Randy's attempt at the police station, including tickling him, trying to tackle him (he stands rock solid and doesn't even fall over), and finally sticking pencils up his nose, making him look like a standing human walrus with tusks). She walks away, saying "Our tax dollars at work."
    • Randy sends a call for help to Tin Man through the electronic scrolling sign control: "WE R DYING CALL 911 U SILVER BASTARD".
    • Then at the end of the episode both Randy and the original performer are standing in the same spot, with both of them arguing through stiff jaws to each other, accusing each other of moving or having poor form.
  • In both "Mr. Monk is on the Run" parts, there are some pretty amusing moments:
    • In "Part One", Natalie has to use a drill to take off Monk's handcuffs and jumpsuit, while Randy is in the house checking for Monk. In order to explain to Randy exactly why she is carrying a power drill of the kind you use to drill holes into wood, Natalie pretends that her blender broke and makes an unusually bizarre smoothie, made from a mix of various questionable ingredients - namely, everything that happens to be within visible and arm's reach. She then uses the drill to ground up the mixture, and pours the concoction into two glasses. Randy obviously notices the oil. Even better: Randy tastes the disgusting smoothie (and seemingly finds it acceptable) when Natalie goes to the bathroom, claiming to wash up (running the shower water so as to cover up the sound of her drilling off Monk's shackles). What sells it is Natalie saying the oil is "organic" since it comes from the ground and "lubricates your organs".
    • In "Part Two", that scene where Randy is playing his funeral song for Stottlemeyer, which is fifteen verses long and does not seem to be documenting Monk's "death" until near the end. To spare himself the inevitable Ear Worm, Stottlemeyer cracks and confesses that Monk is alive. Then he tells Randy to save the song, since Monk has to die some day, although it probably won't be by Stottlemeyer shooting him.
    • "Part Two": Monk and Natalie are cornered by Sheriff John Rollins at the car wash in Nevada. As Monk starts to lie down and comply with Rollins, he suddenly yells and kicks an oil drum towards Rollins. It rolls very slowly, and comes to a not-so-dramatic stop inches short of Rollins's feet. Rollins stares at him, like "was I supposed to be hit with that?" is written on his face :
    Sheriff John Rollins: What was that?
    Adrian Monk: It was, uh... supposed to... supposed to go faster.
    [He shuts off the power and then he and Natalie run]
  • A few in "Mr. Monk Buys a House":
    • This one, when Jake's assistant Ramone cuts a small hole in the wall to get to some wiring.
    Honest Ramone: Hey Jake, can you see me? [chuckles]
    • The scene where Stottlemeyer and Disher tap Morse code messages to each other on a door, only for Natalie to say, "That's not the way I heard it. My husband was in the Navy, remember?"
  • Monk's and Natalie's reactions to making physical contact with lepers in "Mr. Monk and the Leper". Monk's scrubbing his hand for several hours non-stop, then trying to light his hand on fire, only for Natalie to talk him out of it, is just little. Natalie's is even more outright funny: just as Monk has had his Eureka Moment with Julie, Natalie comes back after making out with Dr. Polanski, who she has just learned was a cured leper. The Lucky Charms reference counts too:
    Adrian Monk: Julie, I was duped. It was all a con.
    Julie Teeger: A leper-con!
    Adrian Monk: What?
    Julie Teeger: [giggling] Was he magically delicious?
    Natalie Teeger: Okay! Thanks! I'll talk to you later! Bye! [Natalie bursts in, slams the door shut, takes off her jacket, runs to the sink and turns the faucet up all the way, drinking directly from the flexible tap]
    Natalie Teeger: Hotter! I need it hotter!
    Julie Teeger: Mom, are you okay?
    Natalie Teeger: I'm fine! [gargles]
    Julie Teeger: How was your date?
    Natalie Teeger: It was great! Sweetheart, sweetheart, sweetheart, I need you to do me something: I need you to go upstairs and fill the bathtub with Listerine! Go-go-go-go-go! [Julie rushes away, though she has an expression that says, "My mom has lost her mind"]
    Adrian Monk: Natalie, listen to this! / Natalie Teeger: I’ve gotta tell you something!
    Adrian Monk: We’ve been duped! Are you ready for this? / Natalie Teeger: I’ve been duped! Okay, you’re not going to believe this!
    Adrian Monk: He [Derek Bronson]'s not a leper! / Natalie Teeger: ...He [Dr. Polanski]'s a leper! Oh God! [forcefully opens another bottle of soap]
    • When Monk and Natalie go to Mandy Bronson's house the next morning, Monk is genuinely disturbed to see Natalie drinking a bottle of mouthwash:
    Adrian Monk: Are you drinking that?
    Natalie Teeger: [gulps] Mmm-hmm!
    Adrian Monk: Where’s the woman who’s been lecturing me all week about compassion and tolerance?!
    Natalie Teeger: Okay, you know what? It’s not funny! You didn’t have your tongue down his throat!
    Adrian Monk: Well, I shook hands with one! That’s bad enough!
    Natalie Teeger: Your leper wasn’t even a real leper! My leper was the real deal!
    Adrian Monk: I thought he was real! That’s what counts! You know the old saying, “There is no heart so black as the black, black heart of the Phony Leper”?
    Natalie Teeger: No! I never heard that one!
    Adrian Monk: Well, it’s a saying. Up you go.
    Natalie Teeger: Up you go!
    Adrian Monk: Up you…Up…go.
    Natalie Teeger: Go.
  • "Mr. Monk and the Genius": Monk and Natalie are having a fight about back pay that Monk owes Natalie:
    Natalie Teeger: You mean unless I'm complaining, you're not going to pay me?! Is-is that the new rule?!
    Adrian Monk: Even if I wanted to! I've already torn it out of the checkbook.
    Natalie Teeger: [tries to direct Monk's hand to void the check] Yeah, so you just void it out. Wr-write "VOID" right here, then you just write another one!
    Adrian Monk: Natalie! I can't do that. If it were up to me...
    Natalie Teeger: Of course it's up to you!!
    Adrian Monk: I need you to use your inside voice.
    Natalie Teeger: What?! Oh my God!! [screams in frustration] GOD!!!!
    Adrian Monk: I'm a little short on cash right now. But I'm good for it. You know I'm good for it. I'll make up for it. You just keep track-
    Natalie Teeger: Yeah, I have been keeping track! It's over $1,800, Mr. Monk! [Linda Kloster enters]
    Linda Kloster: I'm sorry, the door was open. I... thought I heard screaming.
    Natalie Teeger: Oh, no, that's just me. I scream every payday. (waves her hand dismissively)
    • Later, when Randy enters the office to tell Stottlemeyer, Natalie, and Monk about Linda's death, he asks Stottlemeyer to put down his cup of coffee or drink some of it because when he hears the bad news, he'll drop the cup and Randy doesn't want to have to clean up the mess. Stottlemeyer sets down the cup, and Randy gives the bad news, angering Stottlemeyer to the point that he picks up the cup and throws it at the window, breaking the cup and spilling coffee everywhere. Randy's reaction sells it.
  • This argument between Monk and Natalie in "Mr. Monk and the Bully" when Natalie chews Monk out for stalking Roderick Brody's wife:
    Adrian Monk: [Natalie arrives at his apartment with a digital camera] OK it took you long enough. Did you get it?
    Natalie Teeger: Yeah.
    Adrian Monk: Well it looks good. [looks at the woman on the side of the box] She looks happy with it.
    Natalie Teeger: Yes she does and she's very hard to please. [Monk takes the package into the dining room and sits down at the table]
    Adrian Monk: Where's the telescope thingy?
    Natalie Teeger: Uhh, it has an automatic zoom, so it's built-in.
    Adrian Monk: Built in? Excellent! [starts cutting the packaging along the sides with a scalpel]
    Natalie Teeger: [sighs] Mr. Monk, it's not heart surgery!
    Adrian Monk: If we leave right away, we can be at her house by eight o'clock. We can follow her all day-
    Natalie Teeger: Yeah, look, uh, Mr. Monk, I have to tell you something. I made a decision: if you want to keep following Mrs. Brody, I suppose that's your right - although, it really isn't - but, I can't help you anymore.
    Adrian Monk: Why not?
    Natalie Teeger: I—I—I'm just not comfortable! Her husband fired us!
    Adrian Monk: It's what they call "pro bono".
    Natalie Teeger: No, "pro bono" is for lawyers! This is stalking!
    Adrian Monk: No, this is comeuppance. Pro bono comeuppance. [Natalie reddens with rage]
    Natalie Teeger: No! No! That is just crazy talk! [leans forward and switches off Monk's table lamp; he turns it back on]
    Adrian Monk: It's not crazy talk!
    Natalie Teeger: Pro bono comeuppance?! That's the craziest talk there is! You heard what he said! He wants you to quit!!
    Adrian Monk: I wanted him to quit! I begged him to quit forty years ago, in stall #3. [He gets the packaging open as Natalie's cell phone rings]
    Natalie Teeger: Hello? [sighs] Yes, he's right here. [listens] The Avalon? Sure, we know it. We were just there. Okay, what's his name? [listens] Oh my God!
  • All of Randy's attempts in "Mr. Monk Gets Lotto Fever" to say a clever One-Liner. "It looks like her number came up." And then gets infuriated when a nearby cop says nearly the exact same thing!
    • Speaking of which, Monk getting flattered when Natalie signs off her lottery shows saying "You'll thank me later!"
    • Monk imitating Natalie's lottery voice:
    Adrian Monk: What I do is hard! I am out there! I am sweating out every clue, I am putting killers behind bars! What does she do?! What does she do?! [picks up a calendar with the date "July 16" on it and reads it upside down] "91! Number 91! 91! Number 91! 91! Number 9-", I mean, how hard is that?! You know, a talking monkey could do her job! It's-it's embarrassing!
    • Later, when Monk mocks Natalie in front of her to humiliate her, his Curse Cut Short moment as he gets partway through calling her a "bimbo", but stops after "bim-", then does a Last-Second Word Swap.
  • In "Mr. Monk and His Biggest Fan," Lt. Disher locating John Ringel by knocking him on the head with a 2x4 piece of plywood that he strategically selected with his Jenga skills.
  • "Jail goo", whatever it may be.
  • Also a "Mr. Monk and the Birds and the Bees" one is that scene where Monk is rearranging the urns on the table in the crematorium, but not the nametags. As he and Natalie are reaching over each other trying to rematch urns with nametags, they accidentally knock one over and its contents spill. They scramble to get the ashes cleaned up when they hear footsteps, and falsely claim that a draft was responsible.
    • Randy and Stottlemeyer look at a surveillance video:
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, they're two blurs! Even for blurs, they're blurry! Can you make it bigger?
    Lt. Randall Disher: Well it's already enhanced.
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, that could be anybody! That could be Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers!
    Lt. Randall Disher: But they're both dead.
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Ginger Rogers is not dead.
    Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, I'm pretty sure she is dead. I'm sorry. Even if she wasn't, what would Fred and Ginger be doing in the courthouse?
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm not saying it is Fred and Ginger! I'm just saying that y-you can't tell who or what they are!
    [Randy presses play on the tape]
    Lt. Randall Disher: Look. [uses a marker to circle two figures passing each other on camera] Right here. See? He comes in. They shake hands. That is definitely Rob Sherman.
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [notices the marker in Randy's hand] Is that a permanent marker?
    Lt. Randall Disher: No, it will rub off.
    [Stottlemeyer attempts to rub the marker off the monitor with his hand, demonstrating that it is indeed permanent]
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't think so. [Randy also makes a bad attempt at getting the marker to come off]
    Lt. Randall Disher: Have you seen the new screens? Pretty beautiful. Flat.
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're worse than Monk. [walks out of the room]
  • In "Mr. Monk and the Lady Next Door," when Ambiguous Syntax causes this:
    Lt. Randall Disher: "Ergo the Killer". Is that Hungarian?
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: His name isn't "Ergo", Randy.
  • In "Mr. Monk Is On the Run, Part Two," when Stottlemeyer is about to defuse a bomb planted in the governor's car, he orders a local cop to call the bomb squad, prompting him to say, "We don't have one. But it's in the budget for next year."
  • in "Mr. Monk and the Big Game," Natalie needs to get Stottlemeyer to tell her when he has free time for Julie to talk to him about DNA.
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I can talk to her next week. How about Saturday? I'll take you guys out for pancakes.
    Natalie Teeger: Yeah, it's okay. That's not going to give her much time. It's all right. [starts to head for the door, but then stops, and turns around] Oh, you know what? I forgot to mention! My cousin works for a PR firm for the '49ers.
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No kidding!
    Natalie Teeger: Yeah! Joe Montana's gonna be in town on Thursday! He's shooting some commercial. You wanna meet him?
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Joe Montana? Sure!
    Natalie Teeger: Okay, you're not too busy?
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, no. No, I'm sure we can make that work.
    Natalie Teeger: Oh, great, because I lied! But it's nice to know you're available on Thursday! Julie will be here after school. [grins] Thanks!
  • "Mr. Monk and the Three Pies" gives us this gem:
    Pat van Ranken: What?
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Please don't make me say that again.
  • In the episode Mr. Monk and the Astronaut Monk and Natalie are running out onto an air-force runway to stop Steve Wagner from taking off. Along the way, Monk notices a rack of three missiles, only two of which have their warheads installed. Monk stops and starts to screw in the other warhead.
    Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, what are you doing?!
    Adrian Monk: I have no idea!"
    Natalie Teeger: They could be nuclear weapons!
    Adrian Monk: Then stop me, for the love of God!
  • In "Mr. Monk Gets a New Shrink," when Dr. Kroger briefly retires. At one point we see Monk sitting in Dr. Kroger's office talking:
    Adrian Monk: I'm really starting to rely on Natalie. Too much I think. I don't know what I'm gonna do if she leaves...when she leaves I should say. It's only a matter of time. She's gonna die, or get another job, and then...
    [As he says that, the camera pulls out to reveal that Natalie is sitting in the doctor's chair. She is not amused]
    • Also from that episode, is when Monk first learns of Dr. Kroger's retirement. It causes him to go through an accelerated version of the five stages of grief, while Dr. Kroger calmly explains each stage to Natalie as if it is nothing unusual. It seems to be over, until Monk suddenly goes back to the denial stage, as if in a loop.
  • "Mr. Monk, Private Eye": Natalie sets Monk up in an office as a private eye. Natalie is sleeping at her desk when her phone rings. She picks up and on the other end is a familiar voice claiming he's being kept in a room against his will. Natalie takes it totally seriously, and even starts to write information down on a piece of paper. She asks him if he knows who did it, and he replies "Yes, it's my personal assistant. Her name is Natalie Teeger," at which the point the camera pans to reveal Monk sitting at his own desk with a receiver in his hand.
  • "Mr. Monk Is At Your Service":
    • Monk's job interview with Paul Buchanan that he wasn't expecting. The best part was :
    Paul Buchanan: Tell me, Melville. Who have you worked for? Anybody I know?
    Adrian Monk: Mmm…I don’t think so. Leland Stottlemeyer of the San Francisco.... Stottlemeyers. Randy Disher. Dr. Charles Kroger....
    Paul Buchanan: No, I don’t know them.
    Adrian Monk: And Natalie Teeger.
    Paul Buchanan: Natalie? Really? She grew up right down the street. I went to school with her when she was still Natalie Davenport. She had a big crush on me. Wouldn’t leave me alone.
    Adrian Monk: Is that right?
    Paul Buchanan: How does she look? Does she still have that tattoo? [Monk stands up, shocked]
    Adrian Monk: She has a tattoo?
    Paul Buchanan: Well, I guess you wouldn’t have seen it. Not where she put it.
    • Later, when Monk gives the house servants a new cleaning pattern:
    Paul Buchanan: Well I don't have to remind you about how important these stupid luncheons are. The old bats are gunning for me. They want me to screw up, they expect me to screw up. And I intend... to disappoint them. Mr. Melville.
    Adrian Monk: [standing in front of a covered canvas] Thank you. Mr. Partridge? [Mr. Partridge removes the tarp, revealing a color coded map of the house] I've divided the house into four zones.
    Susie: Mr. Stilson normally has us start in the kitchen.
    Adrian Monk: [retracts his pointer] Mr. Stilson is no longer with us. So from now on we're going to be cleaning the house my way: the Monk way.
    Susie the Maid: Who's Monk? [beat]
    Adrian Monk: You see... I grew up in a monastery. And the monks, were very demanding. We were cleaning constantly, 18 hours a day. Mostly dusting. It was very dusty. Crypts, catacombs. It was holy dust. But still... you know... dust. And that is the Monk way.
    Paul Buchanan: Well you heard the man. We'll be doing it the Monk way.
  • The interrogation scene in "Mr. Monk and the Missing Granny."
    • First, Monk and Stottlemeyer are about to go from Stottlemeyer's office to the interrogation room to question ex-radicalist Ron Abrash. They plan to do this with the Good Cop/Bad Cop method. But before they go, Randy wants to go along and do it as "Good Cop/Bad Cop/Worse Cop."
    • The interrogation itself, in particular this exchange, is a thousand times funnier by the fact that Ron Abrash is played by Tony Shalhoub's brother Michael:
    Adrian Monk: You look familiar, Ronnie. Didn't I see you last week at the opera?
    Ron Abrash: What have you been smokin', man?
    Adrian Monk: I've been smokin' THE TRUTH, MAN!
    Ron Abrash: What, are you guys playing? "Good cop, crazy cop?"

  • In the episode "Mr. Monk Goes to Group Therapy," Monk's nemesis Harold Krenshaw accuses Monk of murdering their fellow patients, complete with a summation clip of Monk murdering the victims! They, of course, feature Monk as a superstrong person who is laughing maniacally as he commits the killings.
    • Another Krenshaw bit; in "Mr. Monk Fights City Hall," after a member of the city council (which he serves on) is murdered, he offers a prayer that the killer be caught quickly...or, alternatively, that he at least won't turn out to be "some kind of masked vigilante who, for some reason, has a personal vendetta against the city council, and is determined to slaughter us, one member at a time, picking us off when we least expect it, using a different, yet somehow appropriate method for each of his grisly killings! Amen."
    • In, "Mr. Monk and the Daredevil" when Harold appears to be a velcro fly performer called the Frisco Fly. Harold and his cousin Joey are approached by a kindergarten teacher and two of her kids, who have a drawing they want to show to Harold - it's a colored-pencil painting of Harold with the San Francisco skyline drawn behind him. Harold and Joey laugh at the fact that Harold's head is disproportionately sized on the photo. Not liking the fact that they are missing suspension cables from the Golden Gate Bridge, he draws them in with a Sharpie. But best of all, Joey then notices what is supposed to be a bird and says that the scale makes it incredibly long - over 20 feet. Harold says it looks like Mothra, and he and Joey promptly do hilarious Mothra impressions, terrifying the two kids.
    Kindergarten Teacher: You're on the school board?
    Harold Krenshaw: Yeah.
  • The scene in "Mr. Monk and the Miracle" where Monk and Natalie infiltrate a monastery by donning nuns' robes. They almost get to Stottlemeyer, but then a funny moment occurs when you see Monk break out of line and stop to readjust an askew cross on a wall, while Natalie tries to stop him. Then they get into the chapel and break the news to Stottlemeyer, but they have no choice but to harmonize the summation to blend it in with the other chanting monks.
  • In "Mr. Monk and the Actor," one scene that is funny no matter how you look at it is when Stottlemeyer and Disher sit in during rehearsal for filming of The Killer Astronaut, the TV movie adaptation of the events of "Mr. Monk and the Astronaut". Things get extremely awkward for Stottlemeyer and Disher when they discover that "Randy" is played by a woman! Furthermore, a romantic subplot has been added between "Randy" and "Stottlemeyer"! Really more so when the actors lean in and kiss.
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That never happened.
    Lt. Randall Disher: Not even once.
    • Then the actress portraying Natalie walks in and asks if she's interrupting something. "Randy" claims "she" was just checking for evidence, and "Natalie" forces a smile as she ask, "Uh-huh. In his mouth?"
    • As the gag continues, you notice more Hollywood liberties, like the fact that the dialogue includes lines lifted from scenes that actually happened much later in the episode.
  • This Webisode. Monk evens out a couple of blood vials, so the doctor is telling an elderly couple, "Mr. and Mrs. Grubermen, your blood tests are back. [to the wife] You're pregnant. [She is startled; the doctor turns to her husband] And so are you."
  • In "Mr. Monk Fights City Hall," the entire scene with the "Hot Dog Czar" runs on funny. Like their utter disregard of common sense food safety. Also, while being questioned, George Gionopolis has chest pains and looks and sounds like he's about to have a heart attack, and apparently his doctors can't figure out what causes these to happen three times a week (Monk is surprised). Also, in their all "meat" hot dogs, they use "meat" (note: they are required by law to put the word in quotes).
    • Later, Monk runs into one of the vendors they meet at the warehouse manning a stand in a park when buying a hot dog for Maria Schecter. He pays for it, and then tells said vendor that it's been a real "pleasure" meeting him again.
  • In "Mr. Monk Joins a Cult," Natalie, Stottlemeyer, Disher and Dr. Kroger are trying to deprogram Monk after Monk is brainwashed by Ralph Roberts. Randy enters the room, carrying the Siblings book:
    Lt. Randall Disher: Hey, Monk. How's it going?
    Adrian Monk: Hello, Randy.
    Lt. Randall Disher: [sighs] Listen, I just, uh, have a couple of things to say about this so-called "father" of yours. [beat] I think the guy's a joke! I mean, have you read this?
    Adrian Monk: [glares at him] Have you?
    [Cuts to Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Dr. Kroger in the living room. We suddenly hear Randy singing "Father, please protect me!"]
    Natalie Teeger: Oh God, he's singing again!
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's not Monk. [He stands up, but Dr. Kroger stops him]
    Dr. Charles Kroger: It's OK. I'll take care of it.
    [Dr. Kroger enters the "deprograming" room and finds Randy sitting on the floor, shirtless, clutching the Siblings prayer book to his chest and chanting the cult song in harmony with Monk]
    Dr. Charles Kroger: Randy? [increases his volume] Randy? Randy! [Randy stops] Thank you, Randy. We'll meet you back in the living room. Thank you, really, nice-nice job. [He grabs the book from Randy]
    Lt. Randall Disher: [stands up and puts his shirt on] I, uh, should go to the bank.
    Dr. Charles Kroger: Hmmm. [As Randy leaves, Dr. Kroger calls to Stottlemeyer and Natalie] Someone want to keep an eye on Randy?
  • In "Mr. Monk Falls in Love," Monk vehemently attempting to deny that he has feelings for Leyla Zlatavich when Natalie informs him that Leyla is coming over to his apartment may not be funny by itself, but coupled with the fact that he absentmindedly throws out all of his silverware while doing so, is utterly hilarious. Even better: he doesn't realize this until after Leyla leaves.
  • In "Mr. Monk and the Girl who Cried Wolf," there is a scene where Dr. Kroger is in his office talking. As the camera stays firmly focused on Dr. Kroger's face, it rotates to reveal that Sharona is sitting in the patient chair, receiving counseling about the mysterious blood-soaked man she's been seeing over the past few days. When Dr. Kroger finishes talking, he asks Sharona, "What are you feeling?" The first thing Sharona says is, "Well I feel weird being here. Like I'm trespassing."
  • "Mr. Monk and the Panic Room": Stottlemeyer wants to test if a chimp like Darwin can fire a pistol. So he takes Darwin into an interrogation room, locks the door, and starts to attempt to agitate Darwin into pulling the trigger with the most over-the-top antics. Ted Levine hamming up the scene just makes it funnier, especially the bit where Stottlemeyer blows a whistle and acts like a cheerleader as part of his test, or the way he shouts, "Give me your best shot, you stupid primate!"
    • Made funnier when you realize that humans are considered primates, too.
      • And the fact that according to Monk: The Official Episode Guide, Ted Levine ad-libbed the entire thing. He brought the extra props in that he uses in his attempts to provoke Darwin into firing the gun.
    • From the same episode, we have Sharona's deadpan response to Randy's "suicide by monkey" theory: "Thus, theory by monkey."
  • "Mr. Monk and the Election" combines this with Crowning Moment Of Awesome. While Monk is over at Natalie's house, a grenade is tossed through the window. While Natalie and Julie run for safety, Monk scoops up the grenade, runs into the kitchen, tosses it into the refrigerator, and slams the door shut. Then he immediately reopens the door, neatly sets the grenade in the egg tray, and closes the door again.
    • And amusingly enough, it's plausible in real life. Just ask the MythBusters.
  • "Mr. Monk vs. the Cobra":
    • While waiting for Sonny Chow's coffin to be opened, Monk is looked at pickle jars with preserved organs:
    Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, this was not in my job description. Let's get out of here.
    Adrian Monk: Oh I'm okay. What a beautiful pancreas.
    • And the subsequent dialogue as the coffin is opened:
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: OK, here we go. [They open the lid of the coffin]
    Doctor: Hello...
    Natalie Teeger: [covers her eyes] Oh, my God...
    Doctor: We're so sorry to disturb you. [They take a sample, presumably the teeth, and examine it under a microscope]
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, you're the expert. Is it him or not?
    Lt. Randall Disher: Well it's just hard to say. I mean, Sonny had a lot more hair... and skin.
    Doctor: We'll know soon enough. It'll take two minutes to compare these with his old dental records.
    • After being told to transport Sonny Chow's coffin back to the cemetery, Randy takes the opportunity to snap a selfie of himself with Chow's corpse.
    Natalie Teeger: I'm sorry, lieutenant.
    Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, well, at least I got to have my picture with Sonny Chow.
    Natalie Teeger: [disgusted] You took a picture?!
    Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah! Maybe I'll donate it.
    Natalie Teeger: What?
    Lt. Randall Disher: There's a Sonny Chow museum in Daly City! They'll probably give me a lifetime pass for this.
  • The scene in "Mr. Monk and the Billionaire Mugger" where Randy is telling Stottlemeyer the route that Fraidy Cop took after fleeing from the murder of Sydney Teal:
    Lt. Randall Disher: Captain.
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You just missed the Deputy Commissioner. Guess what he wanted to talk about: Murder rates spiking? The Sidney Teal investigation? No, all he wanted to know is what we’re doing about the runaway cop.
    Lt. Randall Disher: Fraidy Cop. [He drops a newspaper on Stottlemeyer's desk, headlined "Who is 'Fraidy Cop?'"]
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Excuse me?
    Lt. Randall Disher: That’s what they’re calling him. We, uh, sort of pieced together the route he took. [Randy walks over to a blown up street map of San Francisco] I don't know. Okay.
    [He pulls out a few pushpins]
    Lt. Randall Disher: After the shooting, three people saw him running west towards the park here, and on 19th, here, [inserts a pushpin into the intersection of 19th and Guererro Streets] he flagged down a taxi.
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He took a taxi?
    Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, it gets worse: He, uh, threw up in the backseat. But we did get his blood type from the vomit. The taxi then, uh, dropped him off at a bar up on Geary Street... [inserts another pushpin on the map at Geary and Laguna Streets] ...there, where he sat in a booth at the back, apparently drinking bourbon and crying.
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He was crying? Oh, dear Lord.
    Lt. Randall Disher: About midnight, an older woman in a brown stationwagon was seen picking him up. Possibly his mother.
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He called his mom?
    Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah.
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, that son-of-a-bitch better hope I don’t find him first. [He looks at the cartographic sketch of Fraidy Cop]
    • Later, when Fraidy Cop is outed as an actor hired by Sidney Teal, he flees when a shot goes off, to the delight of reporters:
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Shoot him.
    Lt. Randall Disher: I can't do that, sir.
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [exhausted] Then shoot me.
  • From "Mr. Monk and the Voodoo Curse":
    • Monk can't explain how a voodoo doll mailed to Martha Murphy three days before she died accurately predicted she'd be killed by a baseball. They start tossing theories, but Natalie is not amused:
    :Lt. Randall Disher: What, do you want me to start rounding up witch doctors?
    Adrian Monk: Yeah.
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That'd make a hell of a line up, though. [Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher laugh. Natalie glowers at them]
    Natalie Teeger: You know what? It's not funny! I used to laugh about it, too.
    Lt. Randall Disher: About what?
    Natalie Teeger: Voodoo. Black magic.
    Adrian Monk: Wait, you can't actually believe in that stuff?
    Natalie Teeger: Somebody predicted that that poor woman would get hit by a baseball three days before it happened! How would you explain it?!
    Adrian Monk: Well, maybe-
    Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, wait, I've got it. Well she walked by here every day. Right?
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah.
    Lt. Randall Disher: So maybe the killer was waiting back here, behind this tree with a baseball gun.
    Natalie Teeger: A baseball gun? There's no such thing!
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, but there are pitching machines.
    Natalie Teeger: So, how would your baseball gun killer-
    Lt. Randall Disher: Oh! That's a good name for him, by the way.
    Natalie Teeger: -how would he know that a home run would be hit at exactly that moment? And what happened to the other baseball? [no response from Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher]
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The other baseball.
    Natalie Teeger: It's voodoo, it's real, and it kills people!
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay, how 'bout this? She had an insurance policy with a no-suicide clause. So she had to make it look like an accident. She came here, she waited for a home run to be hit. She grabs the ball... and cracks her own cranium. [mimics hitting his head with a ball]
    Natalie Teeger: [deadpan] With a baseball, she fractured her cranium.
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [matter-of-factly] Yeah.
    Natalie Teeger: Was she that strong?
    Adrian Monk, Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, she exercised.
    Natalie Teeger: I think voodoo's looking better and better.
    • Stottlemeyer and Disher pay a visit to the boutique store that sold the voodoo dolls:
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Whoa, look at this place. It's like Halloween the year round.
    Lt. Randall Disher: [sees something on a shelf] Lucky bath crystals.
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [looking at the potions] Incense powder. [looks at another green potion] Money powder. "Guaranteed to cure all financial woes."
    Lt. Randall Disher: Well, you should buy it.
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No. I can't afford it. [He looks around the store a little more and finds a red bottle of potion; he reads the label] Cupid's Arrow.
    Lt. Randall Disher: Love potion. [Stottlemeyer dabs a little Cupid's Arrow onto his cheeks and his neck] It's not working.
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Good.
  • In "Mr. Monk and the Foreign Man", Samuel Waingaya, the husband of the Victim of the Week, holds a picture of his wife up to the hit-and-run driver and demands that he say her name. The guy does. Then Monk (who has been letting his feelings about Trudy get too close to the case), holds up a picture of Trudy and demands the same thing, and the guy is completely confused, having never had any contact with Trudy in his life.

  • From "Mr. Monk Gets Married", it's heartwarming to know that Randy cares enough about his mother to send her money every month. It's funny to know that she just spends it on: Bingo and paintings of Jesus.
  • Monk is trapped inside an elevator with a really fat person in a power outage. He repeatedly presses a button and, with a somewhat deadpan voice, says "Lobby. Lobby lobby lobby!"
  • In "Mr. Monk Goes Camping," Monk goes on a camping trip with Randy and the boys Randy is mentoring as part of the Buddies in Blue program. Monk's goal is to "schmooze" the father of one of the boys, the last holdout on reinstating him. Before he can do this though, he manages to bungle everything in true Monk fashion. The crowning moment is when Randy is attempting to tell the boys a ghost story about an escaped lunatic/serial killer. Monk keeps interrupting, correcting Randy's story (the lunatic would be on meds, the clinic he escaped from has been closed for years, etc.) This goes on until Randy, beyond frustrated, says, "So the Spider Lake Maniac took his medicine and lived peacefully in his apartment with his pet cat where he never hurt anyone!"
  • In "Mr. Monk Goes to Vegas", Stottlemeyer has to perform karaoke to convince a woman in a bar to tell him what he told her last night while drunk (and can't remember now). Cut to Stottlemeyer on stage badly singing along to "Ain't No Sunshine," while the camera pans over to Monk desperately trying to avoid breaking character. Then Natalie walks in and can't keep a straight face either, as the woman insists that Stottlemeyer "do the dance" he did the previous night while drunk.
    Woman (to Stottlemeyer): Turn around, I want to see your tush.
    • Stottlemeyer unconvincingly tells Monk that "the married guys" left the hotel room when the stripper was at the bachelor party.
    • Monk has to go backstage at a showgirl revue to interview the main suspect's mistress and accomplice. Monk is desperately avoiding looking at any of the showgirls.
    Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, they're not naked.
    Adrian Monk: They're naked-ish!
    Natalie Teeger: (chuckles) Well, I can't argue with that. They are definitely naked-ish.
    • This scene culminates in Monk giving his "I will catch you" speech to empty space rather than the mistress, who is now standing off to his right and is wearing her "you've got to be kidding me" face.
  • In "Mr. Monk Goes To A Wedding", Monk crashes the bachelorette party to get Natalie when a dead wedding photographer's body is discovered. Said party features a male stripper dressed as a cop. Hilarity Ensues.
    Adrian Monk (gestures to the stripper): Oh, hey, you'd better come too.
    Officer Feelgood: Me?
    Adrian Monk: (quietly) There's a body downstairs. Looks like a 187.
    Officer Feelgood: (confused) A 187?
    Adrian Monk: Yeah. Lieutenant Bristow is down there, and I think he wants you down there too. Let's go!
    Officer Feelgood: Ok.
    Adrian Monk: (gestures toward door) This way.
    Officer Feelgood: I'm comin'. (switches off his boom box)
    Adrian Monk: What's that?
    Officer Feelgood: My boom box.
    Adrian Monk: (pondering) Boom... box. Okay, fine. Let's just go. (beat) You look like you work out a little bit.
    Officer Feelgood: I try.
    Adrian Monk: I'm looking into Pilates.
    • In the next scene, Officer Feelgood awkwardly lurks in the background while Monk, Natalie, and the cops look at the body and discuss the evidence.
    Officer Feelgood: (accidentally switches on boom box; everyone turns and stares while he fiddles around trying to switch it off)
    Natalie Teeger: What's he doing here?
    Adrian Monk: Oh, that's Hondo. He's with me. Figured we might need a little crowd control.
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: (snickers)
    Natalie Teeger: Can I talk to you for a sec? (takes Monk aside) Mr. Monk, he's not a real cop. He's a stripper.
    Adrian Monk: I don't think so.
    Natalie Teeger: Didn't you see his badge? It says "Officer Feelgood."
    Adrian Monk: So...?
    Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, the guy's got dollar bills sticking out of his belt.
    (We see a view of the "stripper" and the wad of bills.)
    Adrian Monk: I thought he'd lost his wallet.
  • In "Mr. Monk and the Paperboy", During his session with Doctor Kroger, the subject of sex comes up, and Kroger tries to get Monk to talk about whether he was "intimate" with Trudy. After a few minutes of stalling, we get this gem:
    Dr. Kroger: Adrian, I'm your doctor, this is important. Now we have 20 minutes left, we can sit here and sing show tunes to each other or you can talk about your sex life, it's your call.
    Adrian Monk: (after thinking it over for a moment, starts singing) If ever I would leave you... it wouldn't be in Summer...
    • The capper is when he reaches the end of the song, waits in silence for a moment, then starts again from the top.

     The Tie In Novel series 

Mr. Monk Goes to the Firehouse

Mr Monk Goes To Hawaii

  • Monk has decided to fly on Dioxynl to accompany Natalie to Hawaii. Natalie is creeped out enough that she has to call Dr. Kroger during a layover in Honolulu. Some of the dialogue sounds funny:
    Natalie Teeger: What do I do when the drugs wear off and he's back to being Monk?
    Dr. Charles Kroger: What do you mean?
    Natalie Teeger: I mean this was supposed to be my vacation.
    Dr. Charles Kroger: That's between you and Adrian to work out. Who knows? Maybe the two of you will have some fun together.
    [Natalie hangs up, thinking Dr. Kroger had put Monk up to this trip as a way of getting even with her]
  • Monk ruining Natalie's friend's wedding. In the middle of said ceremony.
  • Monk taking forever to sign a credit card receipt as Natalie is watching Roxanne Shaw leave.
    Natalie Teeger: [getting exasperated] You're not being graded on your penmanship, Mr. Monk, it's just a signature.
    Adrian Monk: It's more than that; it's verification of your identity. It's an extension of who you are.
    The woman signed her credit card receipt. It took her about one second. Nobody could possibly spend as much time signing his name as Monk did. I suspected there was another motivation besides attaining the perfect proportion and balance between his letters. [Natalie reaches into her purse and grabs some money]
    Natalie Teeger: I'm on to you, Mr. Monk! I don't think this has anything to do with getting your signature right; I think this is all about you being cheap!
    Adrian Monk: I don't understand what you mean.
    I grabbed the receipt from him, tore it into pieces, and slapped some money, enough to cover our meals and the tip, on the table.
    Natalie Teeger: You hate to pay, so you do this thing with the signature until I get so frustrated that I pick up the tab! It's like you said; you can be cunning when you want to be!
  • Monk and Natalie are at a souvenir shop, here Natalie buys a Red Dirt t-shirt (long story), which Monk is disgusted about:
    Adrian Monk: You bought one of those disgusting shirts, didn't you?
    Natalie Teeger: I had them triple-bag it and tie it shut. I'll put the bag in the trunk and wipe my hands with a disinfectant wipe.
    Adrian Monk: Aren't you worried that if she wears that shirt to school someone might report you to Child Protective Services?
    Natalie Teeger: I'll take the risk.
    Adrian Monk: I'll testify as a character witness.
    Natalie Teeger: Thanks. I appreciate that.
    • Right after this, as they are driving away, they are clipped by a pickup truck, destroying the front part of the car, though they are uninjured. Monk delivers a pretty good snark line:
    Adrian Monk: I think I've had enough sightseeing for today.
  • Monk and Natalie go to a luau, Monk is naturally horrified by the prospects of a luau, a reaction similar to his discovery in "Mr. Monk Gets Drunk" as to how his favorite Cabarnet is made. He goes into a rant about how unsanitary it is, and then the guys digging from the pit dig up a body. Everyone immediately scrambles out except for Monk and Natalie:
    Adrian Monk: I told you they were cannibals.
  • Monk and Natalie rent a Mustang on the first day. A few days later, it is stolen. When it's found, Monk immediately asks to rent another car to drive to the police station, and then he asks for a knife.
    Adrian Monk: [addressing Natalie and Kealoha, primarily Natalie] If you will recall, someone smashed the windshield and tore the soft-top off Brian's car. [cleans the knife handle] When it came back from the body shop, not only were the windshield and soft-top fixed, but the seats were replaced, too.
    Natalie Teeger: Yeah. So?
    Adrian Monk: But the carpets were still dirty. I thought it was odd. Now I don't.
    [opens the driver's side door and slashes at the seat]
    Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk! What's the matter with you?! You can't do that!
    Adrian Monk: [glances at her] You took the insurance, didn't you?
    Natalie Teeger: It doesn't cover you for this!
    [Monk continues slashing as if Natalie hasn't said anything]
    Natalie Teeger: Is this your way of removing difficult stains?!
    Lt. Ben Kealoha: I'd like to know, too, since technically I'm witnessing a crime here.

Mr. Monk and the Blue Flu

Mr. Monk and the Two Assistants

Mr Monk In Outer Space

  • Monk is distracted by "improperly" parallel parked cars. To get him on task, Stottlemeyer calls a police officer to deal with it and says he's witnessing a crime against nature and should respond appropriately.
  • Monk keeps bugging a sidewalk painter about the inaccuracy of his work. The guy shuts Monk up by painting an "X" over his mouth, and Monk freaks out.

Mr Monk Goes To Germany

  • During the flight to Germany, Monk is on Dioxynl. When Natalie wakes up, she sees Monk make a balloon animal for a kid. Then Monk mentions that the others soon wanted them. So Natalie looks, and sure enough, every single child has a balloon animal in their possession! "I made a mental note to tell Dr. Kroger about this. I was pretty sure that the sudden ability to make balloon art was one side effect of Dioxynl that nobody knew about."

Mr Monk Is Miserable

  • After Monk finds another murder on the flight to Paris, Natalie grouchily tells him she can't bring him anyplace.
  • The episode at Toujours Nuit (the blind restaurant) that demonstrates Monk's snark abilities and strong senses. Monk and Natalie sit down in total darkness, and a woman named Aimee Dupon sits down at their table. She tells Monk, "I know who you found." Just then, there's a strange noise, a sigh, and a thud from Monk's side of the table:
    Adrian Monk: Natalie?
    Natalie Teeger: Yes, Mr. Monk?
    Adrian Monk: Don't panic.
    Natalie Teeger: Why would I?
    Adrian Monk: Because there's a killer in the room, and he's just murdered the woman who was sitting beside me.
    Natalie Teeger: [tensing up with anger] That's impossible! You've got murder on the brain! You're incapable of going two days without investigating a homicide! [she turned in Dupon's direction] I know this sounds silly, Sandrine, but could you please tell Mr. Monk that you're alive so we can go on with our meal?!
    [That was when I heard a surprised yelp to my left and the crash of dishes hitting the floor]
    Adrian Monk: That's the sound of a blind waiter tripping over a corpse.
    [Suddenly the lights in the room seemed to burst on. As Natalie tries to readjust her eyes, she sees Monk looking down at something on the floor. She leans over and sees Aimee Dupon's dead body, a steak knife sticking out of her chest. There is a scream, and the bartender bursts in and levels a shotgun in Monk's direction]
    Stephan: Don't move!
    Adrian Monk: I haven't done anything!
    Stephan: Then how did your steak knife get in that woman's chest? [Monk and I glanced at the tabletop at the same time. The only knife missing was from his table setting]
    Adrian Monk: [raises his hands] Good question.

Mr Monk And The Dirty Cop

  • Randy and another detective are driving to a crime scene. Randy gets nauseated and vomits on the roadside, right in front of a Japanese tour group:
    Lt. Randall Disher: Sorry about that! Mune on sawaru na! Shinu kakugo shiro! [The tour group marches away. Randy shuts the car door] What is their problem?
    Det. Jack Lansdale: I don't know. Maybe it has something to do with you puking on their shoes.
    Lt. Randall Disher: I missed their shoes by a good two inches! Besides, I showed them the courtesy of apologizing in English and Japanese.
    Det. Jack Lansdale: No you didn't.
    Lt. Randall Disher: "Mune on sawaru na. Shinu kakugo shiro" means "Please forgive me for the inconvenience. I'm truly sorry."
    Det. Jack Lansdale: It means, "Stop groping my breasts and prepare to die."
    Lt. Randall Disher: I think you're mistaken.
    Det. Jack Lansdale: My wife is Japanese!
  • Monk's reaction to finding out that a top end Chinatown beauty salon uses excrement in its products. He asks Natalie for her cell phone and leaves. When she finds him outside:
    Adrian Monk: That's a chamber of horrors.
    Natalie Teeger: I wouldn't pay two hundred bucks to have bird crap smeared on my face. But maybe it works. Women wouldn't be coming from all over to have it done if it didn't.
    Adrian Monk: JoAnne must be using some form of mind control on them.
    Natalie Teeger: It's not mind control. It's insecurity and futility. They just want to look young and pretty as long as they can and keep the pimples and wrinkles away forever. I'm the same way. I think it's hardwired into us.
    Adrian Monk: Those women are in mortal danger. It took all of my willpower not to do something about it on the spot.
    Natalie Teeger: Why didn't you?
    Adrian Monk: Because it's a dangerous, volatile situation. JoAnne and her evil minions are practically holding loaded guns to the heads of those women. I didn't want to cause a panic, so I played it cool.
    Natalie Teeger: I'm glad that you did, Mr. Monk. I think that taking a relaxed, low-key approach was exactly the right thing to do.
    Adrian Monk: I'm leaving it to the professionals.
    Natalie Teeger: What professionals?
    [On cue, the fire department arrives and men in Hazmat suits jump off, charging into the salon]
    Natalie Teeger: You called a Hazmat team?
    Adrian Monk: And plenty of backup.
    Natalie Teeger: What backup?
    [Cue the SWAT team arriving to raid the beauty salon]

Mr Monk In Trouble

  • Just how well Monk got to know Natalie.
    Natalie Teeger: I don't have a permanent record.
    Adrian Monk: Yes, you do.
    Natalie: Who's keeping it? [Looks at Monk, who has a smug look on his face] I withdraw the question. I hope you contacted my kindergarden teacher, who made the inital entries, so you'll have the complete document.
    Adrian: I did.
    Natalie: You did?
    Adrian: YES, I DID!
    Adrian: I felt the need to do a thorough background check.
    Natalie: All the way back to kindergarden?
    Adrian: I would have gone further, but your pre-school teacher moved to South America and the doctor who delivered you passed away.

Mr Monk Is Cleaned Out

  • Both times that Monk and Natalie try to get new jobs and Monk gets in trouble for his OCD issues. Someone forgot to fill that out on his applications.

Mr Monk On The Road

  • Natalie watches as Monk shoots a Serial Killer trying to crash the motor home and Ambrose over a cliff. Awestruck, she compares him to Dirty Harry. Then Monk asks for a wipe.

Mr Monk On The Couch

  • Monk is distracted by cars parked askew and wants to see to that before he starts on the murder. Stottlemeyer threatens to spit on the sidewalk if Monk doesn't come over to the crime scene immediately.

Mr. Monk on Patrol

  • Monk's reaction to Poop.
  • Natalie's fantasy life is so dull that when she is first sleeping on the couch in Randy's house, her dream is of sleeping in a canopy bed at a Mediterranean resort.

Mr. Monk Is a Mess

Mr Monk Gets Even

  • Dale The Whale gets liposuction as part of a scheme to escape prison. When he ends up getting arrested, Stottlemeyer gives him a new nickname: "Dale The Fail."
    • Of course, earlier he was nicknamed "Dale the Frail" after the surgery.

Mr. Monk Helps Himself!!

  • Monk having to dress up as a clown, number 99 on his list of his hundred greatest fears. The incident that leads to this happening is that Monk and the team are checking out a dead clown's office, looking for evidence tying him to the people who killed him for blackmailing them. The suspects in question show up, and the investigation team is forced to improvise that Monk is the clown they hired.

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