The episode "Take Me Out To The Holosuite" gets its kicks in this category. O'Brien making Scotch-flavored chewing gum and Odo practicing his umpire-manship are classic in their own rights, but Worf's lines throughout are comedy gold.
Sisko: All right Niners, let's hear some chatter! Niners: Hey, batter, batter, batter! Swing batter! Worf:DEATH TO THE OPPOSITION!!
O'Brien: He didn't touch home, Nog! Nog: Well, what do I do? Worf: Find him and KILL him!!
Extra Fridge Brilliance on multiple levels: Worf was raised in a human family and knows all sorts of human games (he played soccer as a kid). He's (probably) just indulging in some cultural irony assuming that no one will pick up on it and find his remarks out of place (After all, only his Enterprise-D crewmates know about the Rozhenko soccer tradition.) The extra Fridge Brilliance is that he accidentally killed an opponent while playing soccer. Bringing the chant full circle back into a legitimately intimidating remark!
Possibly the earliest moment in the episode: Sisko announces just what game their "clash of the Titans" is going to be. Kira looks up at him with an expression that screams "I hate you," "My commanding officer is a twelve-year-old boy," "I want a transfer," and "I am going to get you for this," all without saying a single word. Poor woman.
Even better? Earlier in the series, she had admitted that she viewed him as a messenger of her gods. Now think of this situation in that light.
When Worf and Sisko argue with umpire Odo over the called third strike on Worf.
Sisko: You can't tell me that ball was over the plate. What were you doing, regenerating?!
Kira walks past Odo's office. He's practicing his umpire moves. She does a double take at the sight.
Speaking of Odo, the look on his face when he ejects Solok from the game for touching the umpire.
There's also the warroom meeting where they're going over rules and terms. Uh, guys, isn't there a war on?
Yes, but that doesn't mean they need to spend all the time doing something war-related. There's also down time to be taken.
O'Brien discovers a strange old tradition that goes hand-in-hand with baseball, chewing gum. Bashir is confused until O'Brien explains that they infused it with flavor. What flavor did O'Brien choose for his? Scotch.
At one point the enemy captain watches the crew practice. Worf states if he is conducting reconnaissance, he must fear their team. Rom goes up to bat. After spinning around, landing on the ground, and throwing the bat, the enemy captain just leaves.
After the game, Solok makes yet another remark about humans.
Ezri: Human? Did I forget to wear my spots today?
Quark: All that intelligence and he still doesn't know what a human looks like.
Though it's a major Downer Ending episode, "Children of Time" has one of the funniest Worf moments in Star Trek:
Brota: Are you the son of Mogh?
Brota: Is it true you can kill someone just by looking at them?
Pretty much any episode focusing on the Ferengi is bound to have laughs somewhere:
In "Ferengi Love Songs", Quark comes home to stay for awhile and finds the Grand Nagus hiding in his closet. He later finds Liquidator Brunt in his closet... twice.
"The Magnificent Ferengi":
Quark and his recruited team of Ferengi associates failing miserably at a holosuite simulation for rescuing Ishka (Quark's mother) from the Dominion. Quark ends up getting shot in the leg, his cousin Gaila dropped his weapon and ran away while screaming, Rom ran into a wall, and Brunt tried to surrender (and got shot for his trouble). Seeing all of this happen, Leck decided to shoot Ishka, reasoning that he might as well "put her out of her misery" since the Ferengi clearly weren't able to rescue Ishka.
Ishka giving Yelgrun financial pointers, with every indication that the latter actually appreciates the advice.
Rom not being quite as good at pulling a Weekend at Bernie's gambit as he thought he was.
Does the word "tribble" appear in an episode's title? If so, prepare to laugh long and hard.
"Trials and Tribble-ations", and one speech by Bashir (and response by O'Brien):
Bashir: "You know, no one ever met my great-grandfather. This could be a predestination paradox! Come on, chief, surely you took elementary temporal mechanics at the Academy? I may be destined to fall in love with that woman and become my own... great-grandfather." O'Brien gives Bashir a disbelieving look that could melt glass Bashir: "Come on, chief, you can't just dismiss this!" O'Brien: "I can try." Bashir: "All right, but I can't wait to see the look on your face when we get back to Deep Space Nine and you find out I never existed!"
Kira asks them if they're ready for beam-out. O'Brien's reply: "Are we ever!"
O'Brien almost manages to keep a straight face as they are beamed out.
When Worf, Odo, Bashir and O'Brien are in the bar and see Scotty, Chekov, and Freeman enter, they confuse Freeman (from behind) for Kirk. Freeman was played by Paul Baxley, William Shatner's stunt double.
Worf and the angry tribble. Enough said.
"Where did you get that... thing?"
And of course Odo: "Oh, another glorious chapter in Klingon history. Tell me, do they still sing songs of 'The Great Tribble Hunt?'"
Sisko tries to contact the Defiant by tapping his chest... then remembers that this is the 23rd century, and there's nothing there but cloth. He has to actually pull out his communicator, flip it open, and repeat his hail.
It's the look on Dax's face that really sells that moment.
And the ending, where tribbles have overrun the Promenade, with Quark leaning against the bar, surrounded by tribbles and one on his head.note This shot is a Call Back to an nearly-identical one with the K-7 bartender in the original episode.
Odo: Did you tell them?
Sisko: They didn't ask. I'm open to suggestions, people.
Dax: We could build another station.
The Trouble With Tribbles made Kirk the butt of most of the jokes. Trials and Tribble-ations, while being respectful, piled on just a little bit more.
Dax (upon spotting Kirk and Spock): He's so much more handsome in person. Those eyes!
Sisko: Kirk had quite the reputation as a ladies' man.
Dax: Not him. Spock.
Later, we find out that those stray tribbles that keep falling on Kirk's head are, in-universe, being tossed by Sisko and Dax.
For a while during that episode Jadzia was struggling to figure out where she knew the name McCoy from, turns out she actually met him when she judged a gymnastics competition as Emony at Ole Miss, she wasn't surprised to see he was a doctor then; remembering fondly that he had the hands of a surgeon.
They have to scan every tribble on the Enterprise and station K7. O'Brien and Bashir protest, citing there there must be thousands of them.
Dax: One million, seven hundred and seventy one thousand, five hundred and sixty one. That's starting with one tribble with an average litter of ten every twelve hours. After three days.
Later, she and Sisko are in the storage compartment that Kirk opens and hear Spock make the same calculations. She looks to Sisko with a look of 'told you so.'
The entire segment where Odo, O'Brien, and Bashir see the Klingons from that era much to their disbelief, and an embarrassed Worf confirming that they are Klingons. When the others ask for an explanation of why they look so different, he merely replies "We do not discuss the matter with outsiders," in annoyance.
O'Brien, by any measure one of Starfleet's best engineers, being completely baffled by Enterprise's systems—to the point that he can't use an elevator and almost blows his cover by cutting power to an entire deck.
From the episode "You Are Cordially Invited":
Worf and Martok are conversing about whether Jadzia can sufficiently impress Martok's wife Lady Sirella, who has veto power over the marriage (being that it would be bringing an outsider into House Martok). Martok reveals that Sirella doesn't like Worf either, but then:
Martok: Don't let that bother you. I had every right to bring you into the family and she's accepted the fact that there's nothing she can do about it. Worf:(completely deadpan) How comforting. Martok:(stares at him, then bursts out laughing) And they say that you have no sense of humor. BA HA HA HA HA HA!
when the crew of Deep Space Nine have agreed to join Worf's Klingon bucks party, which is like a human bucks party, minus the fun and with added pain.
Scene shows O'Brien and Bashir hanging by the arms over hot rocks. Bashir: Miles...it's working. I've had a vision, about the future. I can see it so clearly. O'Brien: What is it? Bashir: I'm gonna kill Worf. I'm gonna kill Worf. That's what I'm gonna do. I can see it clearly now, I'm going to kill... him...
As part of the Klingon marriage tradition Sisko, O'Brien, and Bashir are required to assault the newlyweds immediately after they tie the knot. After the ordeal they've been through, O'Brien and Bashir are... enthusiastic about this.
The first sign of trouble is, rather than the 4 day party the humans expected, they begin a 4-day fast and deal with extreme heat. This is the "Deprivation", the first of six stages. What are the other five? "Blood, pain, anguish, suffering, and death" - words you never want to hear from a Klingon in your direction.
Although it's notable that Martok and Worf are not present in the scenes where O'Brien and Bashir are undergoing deprivation, suggesting that the two Klingons are having a joke at the Humans' expense.
Also absent during these scenes are Sisko and Alexander, the two most likely to call BS on what Worf and Martok are saying as they have better experience with "Klingon Klaptrap," lending more credence to the thought that this is a joke at O'Brien and Bashir's expense.
And O'Brien and Bashir can't catch a break - they get a reprieve from the fasting when Dax and Worf call the wedding off, and just when they're about to get served a full course meal by Quark, they find out the wedding - and thus, the bachelor's fast - is back on. And you know that Quark still billed them for the food.
Sisko: Quark, take it all away. No food for those on the path to Kal'Hyah.
Quark: No refunds for those on the path to Kal'Hyah as well. Sorry.
Immediately after the stages are listed:
Bashir: Sounds like marriage, all right. O'Brien: How would you know?
The Klingon wedding ceremony involves sword play and a promise by each to slay the other's enemies, which is written into the vows—because, well, of course it would be.
"Jerusalem"!! And the following conversation "I hated you when we first met! And now...I..." "And now..." "And now, I...don't."
And of course, the scene in "Extreme Measures" when Julian is trying to convince Miles that he loves him more than Keiko. "Julian, you are beginning to annoy me!"
How could we forget in "Hippocratic Oath"?
O'Brien Exactly! See, you understand! Now why can't she see that? Why can't she be more like y- [trails off and pretends to be busy looking at the console]
Bashir More like...?
O'Brien Um...er... more like - more like a man!
Bashir [with a look that just screams 'oh yeah, brilliant save there'] So... you wish Keiko was a man?
O'Brien I wish I was on this trip with someone else, that's what I wish!
"I HATE Ferengi", "You idiot!" and the look on Sisko's face when Quark and Rom accidently pop out of the hatch in his office.
"The offender Miles O'Brien, human, officer of the Federation's Starfleet, has been found guilty of aiding and abetting seditious acts against the state. The sentence is death; let the trial begin." - opening statement by the JUDGE in said justice system.
The ending dialogue of the episode in which O'Brien gets tried for being an enemy combatant by the Cardassians:
Following from the above moment, Quark thinks he's got an ace in the hole when he gets out his disruptor prior to a Klingon attack on the station. However...
Odo (reading a note in Quark's disruptor pistol box): "Dear Quark, used parts from your disruptor to fix the replicators. Will return them soon. Rom."
Quark: I will kill him!''
Odo: With what?
"In the Cards," just in general. "The entire future of the galaxy may depend on us tracking down Willie Mays...and stopping him."
To put the above quote in context: Nog and Jake are scurrying around the station trying to get a Willie Mays rookie baseball card for captain Sisko. Weyoun is wondering what the hell is going on and abducts them to interrogate them. After their first story falls flat (that they were trying to get Sisko a baseball card), they tell this hugely over the top story about how the guy in the card is in fact a time traveler. Weyoun says that he believes them. Nog, in utter disbelief, asks "You do?" (Weyoun believes their first story and sends them on their way).
My favorite scene in that episode was during the lackluster party where Worf is revealed to be staring intently at some wall art.
Sisko: Worf, you've been paroled. You can go now.
Jake and Nog spend the majority of the episode busily working on their Chain of Deals to obtain the baseball card. At one point Worf has Nog use his Ferengi hearing to detect and remove subharmonic distortions from his Klingon opera recordings. The fact that Worf is just anal enough to want to get rid of distortions he isn't even capable of hearing is hilarious.
Jake very earnestly explaining to Odo the nature of Geiger's work: "It's a device used to keep the cells in your body from getting bored. You see, he was going to transmit messages to people's cells to keep them entertained so they wouldn't die off and as a result these people would... live forever."
Cut to the Promenade and Nog fretting about Odo charging them with filing false reports.
Everything about "Our Man Bashir" (before it gets dramatic), especially if you're a James Bond fan. This troper's favorites are Bashir knocking out a man with a champagne cork and making a gun out of parts of his shoe.
And of course, the always classic:
Anastasia (who looks like Kira): I never thought I'd see you alive again after you fell out of that dirigible over Iceland!
Bashir: I had a parachute... and there was a submarine waiting for me.
Garak gets to flex his dry wit as well.
Bashir: I work for one of the nation-states of this era, Great Britain, which is battling various other nations in what is called the Cold War. This apartment, my clothes, weapons, even my valet were provided to me by my government. Garak: ...I think I joined the wrong intelligence service.
Garak: Kiss the girl, get the key - they never taught me that in the Obsidian Order.
Garak: I only know one thing for sure, Doctor... When the molten lava begins pouring into this cave, you and I are going to be very uncomfortable.
Garak: Interesting, you saved the day by destroying the world. Bashir: I bet they didn't teach you that in the Obsidian Order.
The episode where Quark manipulates Deep Space Nine's systems to broadcast his advert: "Come to Quark's, Quark's is fun!". Major Kira threatens that if they aren't removed by the time she gets back from their next mission, "I will come to Quark's. And I willhave fun."
And then Worf comes in moments after we see the ad, and reveals that he's tampered with the replicators as well...
Same episode- Quark clearly enjoying himself baiting poor lovesick Odo:
Quark: You're not exactly the most lovable person in the galaxy. You're not even the most lovable person in this sector. Or on the station. Or even in this room.
How about the scene where Odo interrupts Julian's spy holonovel to ask him for advice? The conversation distracts Julian enough that O'Brien (as a villain) shows up on the other side of Julian's car and points a gun at him.
O'Brien: [breaking character] Hi, Odo!
Dax watching Odo snogging Kira with what can only be accurately described as a "Get it, girl!" expression on her face.
Most of the episode "The House of Quark", which could earn a position on this list for concept alone (Quark becomes head of a Klingon Great House) but it doubles up with some HILARIOUS dialogue:
Rom: What about Kozak's family? What if they come here for revenge?
Quark: If that happens, I'll stand up, look them straight in the eye... and offer them a bribe.
Gowron: The charge has been made! You are accused of using... money... to bring down a Great House!
Quark: I am Quark, son of Keldar, and I have come to answer the challenge of D'Ghor, son of... whatever.
Then there's this: there's just something utterly hilarious about watching the most powerful men in the Klingon Empire trying to wrap their heads around Quark's explanation of how D'Ghor financially manipulated the House of Kozak to the edge of bankruptcy.
Damar: The execution is scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. Fourteen hundred hours.
Weyoun: Have they agreed to co-operate?
Damar: No. [beat as Damar tries and fails to keep a straight face] Maybe you should talk to Worf again!
Later in the same episode, as Weyoun frets about Ezri and Worf's escape and having to inform his Founder of this, Damar (who's feeling even less sympathy for him than for his predecessor) cheerfully remarks "I'm sure she'll understand... but if not, I look forward to meeting Weyoun 9."
This. Just this. Julian and Garak's first scene, in which Garak acts like a creeper and scares the living daylights out of Julian.
I for one love the look on Sisko's face and his little 'Oh' in "Extreme Measures" when Bashir and O'Brien inform him that they have obtained certain information through the use of illegal Romulan memory probes. You can just see him thinking, "This is going to be one of those plans."
Sisko gets in a remark about Dukat, despite not actually interacting with him in the episode, after they've heard several minutes worth of Dukat's recorded messages.
Sisko: You know, I never knew how much this man's voice annoyed me.
How can we have come this far without mentioning Dukat getting a cactus spine in his ass and Kira having to pull it out?
Worf gets his tooth sharpener stolen in the episode "Bar Association." While he's ranting that nothing like this ever happened on the Enterprise, Odo just grins and begins to read off a long, long list of similar incidents. You know he's just been waiting for the chance to do this.
Hilariously, the PADD with this list is just lying on top of his desk, and he doesn't actually press any buttons when he picks it up—he probably took it out any time he had to meet with Worf, waiting eagerly for the chance to use it.
Quark's "impassioned" speech to Grilka in "Looking for par'Mach in All the Wrong Places" makes me laugh so hard I'm crying every time I see it. Desperately stalling for time so that Dax can fix the mechanism Worf's using to control Quark's bat'leth, he invents the Ferengi Rite of Proclamation so that he can make a speech. (The "bats of love" thing is the best, in my opinion).
Quark: To this end... my blade soars... through the... aquarium... of my soul... seeking the... kelp of discontent which must be severed so that the rocky bottom of lies waiting, with fertile... sand for the coming seed of Grilka's affection. [pauses; goes slower and more sincerely this time] Quark: And yet... does this explain my need for her? No. It is like... a giant cave of emptiness... waiting... for the bats of love to hang by— [Worf gets the machine fixed; back to the fighting]
Also: "War! What is it good for? If you ask me, absolutely nothing."
"No... No, I don't need that image, either. In fact I'm gonna stop asking that question altogether. People will come in, I will treat them, and that's all."
Although also a Crowning Moment Of Awesome, it was also hysterically funny: Q shows up for the first (and only) time on Deep Space 9. And Sisko promptly sucker-punches him.
Q (on his ass on the floor): You hit me! Picard never hit me!"
Sisko:I'm not Picard.
The way it starts is hilarious as well:
Q: Marquis of Queensbury Rules...
Sisko: (high-pitched, incredulous) What?!
*Q hits Sisko*
Quark & Vash: "I'll wager 5 bars of latinum, on Sisko." "You're on!"
Q's amazing mustache during that short sequence cannot go unmentioned.
Garak: I've locked him in his quarters. I've also left him with the distinct impression that if he attempts to force the door open, it may explode.
Sisko: I hope that's just an impression.
Garak: It's best not to dwell on such minutiae.
Sisko's reaction to Ezri telling him that he intimidates Worf.
Ezri: You like that, don't you?
Sisko[trying not to laugh and failing]: Of course not.
Ezri: Come on. I've been a man, I know.
During the final party the O'Briens are discussing where to live when they move back to Earth. Various hometown suggestions are made. Worf keeps offering Minsk. Rule of Three applies and is used well.
Each repetition is more aggressive, to the point that the final 'Minsk' almost sounds like a threat.
After Bashir learns he's being considered as the model for a new medical hologram:
O'Brien: Just think. If this pans out, you'll be able to annoy hundreds of people you've never even met!
O'Brien has to work with a female Cardassian engineer who really gets on his nerves, and he responds in kind. Then he learns this is how Cardassians flirt.
'Gilora:'""I assure you, I'm quite fertile... I could provide you with many healthy children, if that's your concern, but frankly I think you're getting a little ahead of yourself."
The subversion of Spotting the Thread when Keiko starts to suspect a security video has been tampered with, as it shows O'Brien drinking coffee in the afternoon, which he never does. Then after she's proven right and everything's wrapped up, O'Brien asks how she knew. After Keiko tells him, he confusedly replies that he always drinks coffee in the afternoon.
Worf's first meeting with Kira and Dax, who had been up in the holosuite in a medieval fantasy program and in costume... including hennin of all things (which Kira has an amusing fight with, trying to get it off her head).
Leeta: Cancelling that wedding was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Kira: No, it isn't.
Leeta: I am so glad, he's out of my life.
Kira: No, you're not.
Leeta: Major, you haven't been listening to me.
Kira: Yes, I have.
Martok is inducted into the Order of Kahless with Sisko and Admiral Ross in attendance of the ceremony. It begins, as most Klingon ceremonies do, with bloodletting. Sisko and Ross watch Gowron then Martok slice their palms open, and Sisko says to Ross that they're next. It takes a moment to sink in for Ross, and when it does, the look on his face is priceless.
Cut to later, and their hands are now bandaged.
Ross: It still stings.
Sisko: That's what the bloodwine's for.
Often overlooked as a "O'Brien must suffer" episode, "Treachery, Faith, and the Great River", Sisko orders O'Brien to repair the Defiant in an impossible amount of time. To procure a part that the chief won't be able to get in time using the normal channels, Nog uses O'Brien's access code to pull off a string of horse trades worthy of Corporal Klinger. Of course many of these trades are borderline illegal, and as the episode goes on, it seems increasingly likely that O'Brien will be court-martialed, demoted, and possibly murdered by Martok.
O'Brien: I dont know how you did it, Nog. Nog: I never lost faith in the Great Material Continuum. O'Brien: Ah, like you say, the river will provide. Martok: Chief! O'Brien: The waters just got choppy again.
One of the people Nog deals with is an unseen officer, Al Lorenzo, who likes to take pictures of himself sitting behind famous captains' desks (even Picard gets name-checked). As part of a trade, Nog loans out Sisko's desk to Lorenzo, and it goes missing while Sisko is away. O'Brien's attempt to simply replace the desk leave a lot to be desired.
O'Brien: What do you think? Bashir: It's white. O'Brien: I know it's white, I'm gonna paint it. Bashir: It's the wrong shape, the wrong height, the wrong width. Other than that, it's perfect. The captain will never suspect you switched desks on him. O'Brien: Julian, I need help, not sarcasm. Bashir: I'm afraid Nog is the only one that can help you now. O'Brien: If he gets back to the station before the captain does. Bashir: Maybe he's not coming back. Maybe he's decided to make a run for it. (Kira enters and looks at the new desk) Kira: That isn't the captain's desk! Bashir: He's gonna paint it. Kira: Get it out of here!
Almost the entirety of "Fascination."
...but special mention must go to Lwaxana dancing with Odo.
Odo attempting to stir a souffle in the beginning of "Equilibrium." Plus the beets conversation.
In "Blood Oath", after taking one good look at the still-drunken Kor and calling him out on said drunkenness, Koloth, who came to Odo demanding that Kor be freed, looks at Odo and shouts "KEEP HIM!" Kor just waves goodbye and goes back to sleep. Odo rolls his eyes and sighs long-sufferingly.
Before that, when Koloth first enters, Odo asks him how he got into the cell block.
Koloth: I am Koloth.
Odo: That doesn't answer my question.
Koloth: Yes, it does.
In "In The Cards" Nog postulates that perhaps the "soulless minions of orthodoxy" kidnapped Dr. Geiger, and Odo's reaction to it. Odo didn't hear Dr. Geiger's speech about said soulless minions, so he doesn't have the slightest clue what's going on.
"Who Mourns for Morn?". All of it, but especially the classic line:
Immediately after this, we cut to Quark wiping down the bar until he eyes Morn's vacated bar stool and attempts to rip it out in a fit of rage.
Odo and the bird in the Promenade during "If Wishes Were Horses." "This isn't a show!" Also, when he warns the customers at Quark's to refrain from using their imaginations and when he imagines Quark into a cell.
In Purgatory's Shadow and By Inferno's Light had some very funny scenes.
Worf assuring Sisko he'll bring Garak back.
Sisko: I don't need to tell you to keep an eye on him.
Worf: At the first sign of betrayal, I will kill him. [Beat] But I promise to return the body intact.
Garak pleading with Worf to consider sponsoring his entrance into Starfleet. Worf can't believe it, but Garak's impassioned speech about his need for redemption wins Worf over enough for him to promise to consider it... then Garak suggests his experience should mean he can fast track into commander rank, where he can become Worf's superior officer, and Worf realizes he's been the butt of an elaborate joke.
Worf: Do not play games with me! You have no intention of joining Starfleet, do you?
Garak: No, I'm afraid I don't.
Worf: Then why all this deception?
Garak: Because lying is a skill like any other and to maintain a level of excellence, one must practice it constantly.
Worf: Practice on someone else!
Garak: Mr Worf, you're no fun at all.
On the same runabout trip, we learn Garak doesn't care much for Picard's tea of choice.
Garak: I would like to get my hands on that fellow Earl Grey and tell him a thing or two about tea leaves!
Just before they are captured by the Jem'Hadar, Garak politely asks them "Could one of you point us in the direction of the wormhole?" before getting smacked with the butt of a disruptor rifle.
Ziyal's sarcastic reaction to Quark moaning about a loss of profits if the Dominion takes over the station.
Quark: The Jem'Hadar don't eat, don't drink and they don't have sex. To make matters worse, the Founders don't eat, don't drink and they don't have sex either. Which, between me and you, makes my financial future less than certain.
Ziyal: It might not be so bad. For all we know, the Vorta might be gluttonous, alcoholic sex-maniacs.
Quark: [Oblivious to the sarcasm] You're right! I wonder what their favourite food is!
A subtle but funny callback at the end of the two-parter. Near the start of the two-parter, Garak promised a worried Ziyal he'd return safely and she reached out to touch his hand. Dukat, who had just arrived on the station and spotted this, attacked Garak in a rage over getting too close to Ziyal. At the very end of the two-parter, when Ziyal launches herself into Garak's arms in relief at seeing him back in one piece, he does not immediately return the hug. Instead, he shoots a furtive look around the place as if expecting Dukat to attack him from the shadows before relaxing and returning the hug.
In "Blaze Of Glory" there's an interesting off-screen story of how Quark made one of his patrons freak out by sharing his opinion that the Dominion was going to win the war and kill everyone on the station. The poor guy hits Quark with a barstool, runs screaming through the promenade and surprises a meditating Kira by bursting into the Bajoran Shrine completely naked and crying for the Prophets to protect him. What makes it hilarious is the identity of the patron: Morn. Wow.
And what makes it even funnier is both Bashir's silent appalled reaction to Quark's prophecies of doom, and the utterly deadpan way Odo dryly summarizes it all:
Odo: And that's when Morn hit you with a bar stool and ran onto the promenade screaming "We're all doomed." Quark: Some people just don't react well to stress.
From "Apocalypse Rising":
Dukat: Major, I must say I'm shocked [to find out that] you're pregnant! I hope First Minister Shakaar appreciates what a lucky man he is. Kira: Shakaar's not the father. Dukat: (Sounding perplexed) Then who is? Kira: (nonchalantly) Chief O'Brien! note (It Makes Sense in Context, but Dukat doesn't have the proper context, and is surprised enough to be struck absolutely speechless for probably the only time in the entire series.)
Said moment is even funnier when you remember that Dukat's hobby consists of making 8 babies with his wife, having Bajoran mistresses, and keeping track of pretty much everyone he knows' (but especially Kira's) sex life. He goes away for a couple of months and then that happens? Dukat's face just shows a look of "Oh, I go away for a few months and you people start doing the kinky shit! DAMMIT!"
Does this mean Dukat was imagining a Kira x Miles x Keiko threesome? Wow Dukat, you're a perv.
Kira: But don't forget, this [her being pregnant]... is still your fault. Bashir: My fault? Kira: You performed the transfer from Keiko to me. Bashir: After you volunteered. Kira: After you put the idea in my head. Bashir: After you flew the runabout into the asteroid field. Kira: After you insisted we check on those anomalous bio-scans. Bashir: That was Keiko. Kira: That's right. It was. But I'd rather blame you.
(Kira begins sneezing) Jadzia: Two. Three. I say she stops at seven. Sisko: I say eight. Mr. Worf? Worf: (reluctantly) Ten. Kira: (stops after sneezing eight times) Uh, I hate being pregnant! Sisko: I win.
And at the end...
Sisko: In the meantime, I want [Odo] left alone to rest, agreed? Kira: Atchoo!!! Sisko: Agreed.
How can you have a moment be both this and Awesome at the same time? In "The Way of the Warrior", Garak walks up to Dukat and offer his hand in defending the Council from Klingons about to invade the station. While Dukat accepts the help, he and Garak trade barbs the entire time... even while holding off a rush of about ten Klingons.
Garak: I find this hand-to-hand combat really quite distasteful!
Dukat: I suppose you prefer the simplicity of an interrogation chamber!
Garak: You have to admit it's much more civilized!
In "Rocks and Shoals", Sisko's crew is in pretty dire straits; they've just crashlanded on a hostile planet, having to abandon their ship and swim to shore. They're lightyears from any help, there're still enemies in the area, and Dax has been severely injured. Then, as they're crawling up onto the beach, we get this:
O'Brien: Ah, no.
O'Brien: Oh, I don't believe it!
O'Brien: I tore my pants!
Sisko: You...you tore your pants? (Begins to laugh.)
O'Brien: (Also begins to laugh.)...Yeah, I tore my pants!
Everyone else: (Is laughing by this point.)
O'Brien: I guess, I guess I'm really in trouble now, huh?
There's a moment in "The Nagus" where Jadzia encourages Sisko to go find Jake, who's late for the dinner he has on the table. After Benjamin leaves, Dax just ladles out a bowl of stew and starts eating it like getting him out of the way of dinner was the plan all along.
Knowing Dax, it probably was.
Something about Kira's delivery of this line (and corresponding facial expression) in "Dax," in reference to the attempted kidnapping of Jadzia, is hilarious. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that eight episodes into the series, and the viewer already knows that it's NOT a good idea to annoy Major Kira.
Kira: You Klaestrons are allies of the Cardassians; your knowledge of the station confirms that they must have given you the layouts. Which not only compromises Bajoran security, but also... annoys us.
In one episode, O'Brien has Quark put up a dartboard in the bar and Quark attempts a throw, unfortunately, not only does he throw all three at once, they all end up hitting Morn, who even gives a groan of pain as he pulls the darts out of his skin!
Gets a second joke when Worf arrives at the station. O'Brien cajoles Worf into taking a throw. He ends up throwing so hard that half the dart is buried in the board.
Remember the Prune Juice joke from TNG? It returns...
Worf: Prune juice, chilled.
Quark: (laughing) Prune juice!?
(Worf glares at him, and Quark stops laughing just as soon as he started.)
"To the Death":
Omet'iklan: I am First Omet'Iklan, and I am dead...
O'Brien:I am Chief Miles Edward O'Brien. I'm very much alive and I intend to stay that way. (crewmen laugh)
Sisko: Amen. Let's get it done!
The way Garak goes about pointing out that Odo had no reason to trust him in the first place in "The Die is Cast" after Odo acts betrayed. Odo gets the upper hand later in their battle of wits and wills but this line is priceless especially with Garak's trademark delivery.
Odo: I don't believe you Garak, and I doubt I'll believe much of what you have to say from now on, so save us both some trouble and leave me alone.
Garak: Why, Constable! You seem positively disappointed in me. Oh, I suppose it's understandable: after all I did pledge my undying devotion and eternal allegiance to both you and the Federation, and you and I have been through so much together, shared so many experiences, and I know you considered me a close friend. No wonder you feel betrayed.
In "...Nor the Battle to the Strong", Bashir and Jake assist an emergency hospital close to a Klingon warzone. Afterwards, when Bashir makes a surgery joke about his food, it causes Jake to become nauseous and run out the room past three Starfleet doctors who were on the same shift casually eating.
Doctor 1: His first day?
Doctor 2: Yeah.
Doctor 3: Pass the salt.
In the episode "Visionary", DS9 plays host to a delegation of Romulans.
Sisko: When you're in with the Romulans, try to be... diplomatic.
Kira: That is the most RIDICULOUS thing I have ever heard, and I resent the implication!
Pretty much all of "Body Parts", but especially the scene where Quark and Garak are testing assassination methods for Quark in the holosuite:
(After Garak snaps holo-Quark's neck)
Garak: How's that?
Quark: Awful. Did you hear that sound of bone snapping? I don't want that to be the last thing I hear.
Garak: It wasn't that loud...
Quark: You don't have these ears. Snapping vertebrae is out.
Garak: We're running out of options, Quark. You don't want to be vaporized because you need a body, the disruptor ruined your clothes, the knife was too savage, the nerve gas smelled bad, hanging took too long, and poison...what was wrong with poison?
Quark: It won't work. If I know my food is poisoned, I won't eat it.
Also, Quark's hilarious revelation that he isn't actually dying from a terminal illness:
Dr. Bashir: Quark, I just got an odd message from a Dr. Orpax on Ferenginar. He wanted me to tell you he's very sorry. You don't have Dorek's syndrome. Does that make any sense to you?
Rom: You don't have Dorek's Syndrome...
Quark: You know what that means, Rom?
Rom: It means you're going to live!
Quark: It means I get to sue Dr. Orpax for malpractice! ...and I'm going to live.
First in The Ascent, Quark gets a classic piece of snark out as he grabs a pad from an infuriated Odo, as he's being escorted to a court hearing:
Quark: Or what? What're you gonna do, arrest me?
Then reaches a new level as he reads from Odo's pad: it's a trashy romance novel.
Rapture is a mostly serious episode, but it does include one particular gem from the party celebrating Bajor's upcoming acceptance into the Federation. Everyone is in the bar when Quark calls for silence, and directs their attention to a couple of Dabo girls on the balcony, holding a folded up cloth. He calls for a drumroll, the cloth is unfurled over the balcony, revealing... a banner displaying the insignia of the Klingon Empire and "WELCOME KLINGONS" written in Klingonese characters underneath. Quark has to quickly pull the RIGHT banner displaying the Federation insignia out from behind the bar.
Worf and Dax have been separated from each other for five weeks, and when they're reunited, Martok says that there is a matter that has been weighing heavily on Worf's mind - Dax scheduled the ritual targ sacrifice for after the feast, not before.
Dax: Okay, have it your way. First we'll shed blood, then we'll feast.
Worf: As it should be.
Then, when Sisko offers a comment about how he suggests a small wedding...
Dax: Well, you get married the way you want, and I'll get married the way I want. (very pointed gesture to Worf)
"Soldiers of the Empire" starts with General Martok in the infirmary after getting injured while training in a holosuite (he'd spent two years in a Dominion POW Camp, lost an eye, and said his reflexes were dulled). Julian tells him off for being a moron, and after some back-and-forth grumbling Martok thanks him for fixing him up.
Julian: You really want to thank me? Don't walk in here dripping blood anymore. It takes days to get it out of the carpet!
From "Profit and Lace":
Grand Nagus Zek: Boys, we're going to reconquer an empire, or DIIIIIEE in the attempt!
Bashir going to Sisko in the middle of the night in "Cardassians" to request the use of a runabout.
Bashir: It's Garak, sir. He wants to go to Bajor. Sisko: Bajor? For what? Bashir: He wouldn't tell me. Sisko: Well by all means! Will one runabout be enough?
Worf's classic response when religion is being discussed and someone inquires about Klingon deities.
Worf: Our gods are dead. Klingon warriors slew them many centuries ago....They were more trouble than they were worth.
Horrible yet funny: Intendent Kira of the mirror universe is languishing in a jail cell and tries flirting with the guard. He snarls that she executed his wife.
Kira: What a coincidence! I was hoping you weren't married!
Awesome and funny from "Strange Bedfellows". Weyoun taunts Worf with a Bond Villain Speech. Worf is having none of that shit so he reaches over and breaks Weyoun's neck, sending Damar into a paroxysm of laughter. The "WTF?" expression Jeffrey Combs gives when Worf does it sells it.