Funny / Star Trek: Deep Space Nine

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    Season 1 

The Emissary

  • Trying to beam Odo back hits a few snags, given O'Brien's unfamiliarity operating Cardassian technology. Giving in to his frustration, O'Brien kicks the console. That gets it to work.

Past Prologue

A Man Alone

Babel

  • Quark desperately trying to get his money back from a Dabo player despite stricken with the virus.
  • Quark later admitting to Odo he only ever saw the transport process done instead of ever doing it himself, right when he is about to transport Odo who reacts horrified.
    Quark: ENERGIZING!
  • When Odo catches Quark using the replicators in an abandoned quarters on the crew level, Quark asks Odo how he caught him. Odo says he didn't believe Quark's story about Rom fixing the replicator, since Rom is an idiot. (In later seasons Rom ended up working for Chief O'Brien, and was one of the brightest members of the engineering crew.)

Captive Pursuits

Q-Less

  • Although also a Crowning Moment of Awesome, it was also hysterically funny: Q shows up for the first (and only) time on Deep Space 9. And Sisko promptly sucker-punches him.
    Q (on his ass on the floor): You hit me! Picard never hit me!
    Sisko: I'm not Picard.
    • Right after hitting him, Sisko has the best "you better recognize" face.
    • The way it starts is hilarious as well:
      Q: Marquess of Queensberry Rules...
      Sisko: (high-pitched, incredulous) What?!
      * Q hits Sisko*
      Quark: I'll wager 5 bars of latinum on Sisko.
      Vash: You're on!
    • Q's amazing handlebar mustache during that short sequence cannot go unmentioned.
    • And from the blooper reel:
      Sisko: Bring them back, Q! Now!
      Q: Or what, you'll ravish me? (realizes he was supposed to say "thrash me") Sorry.
      Sisko: (softly) I might...
  • Earlier, when Vash is first visited by Q on the station, she instantly starts arguing with him while unpacking her bags. Q responds by teleporting her filled bag back into her arms over and over, until Vash gets so fed up that she throws the bag at Q's head.
    • Then, they start arguing about each other's poor track records, which leads to this:
      Vash: You're the one who almost got me killed on Erriakang VII. And they weren't exactly thrilled to see you on Brax either. What did they call you, "the god of lies"?
      Q:: They meant it affectionately.
      • Then Quark happens to open the door, and before he can react, Q loudly tells him to go away (and teleports him away to make sure).

Dax

  • Something about Kira's delivery of this line (and corresponding facial expression) in "Dax," in reference to the attempted kidnapping of Jadzia, is hilarious. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that eight episodes into the series, and the viewer already knows that it's NOT a good idea to annoy Major Kira.
    Kira: You Klaestrons are allies of the Cardassians; your knowledge of the station confirms that they must have given you the layouts. Which not only compromises Bajoran security, but also... annoys us.

The Passenger

Move Along Home

  • In "Move Along Home", the look on Kira's face when she's forced to play hopscotch while singing a nursery rhyme to proceed through the maze.
    • Speaking of the hopscotch scene, Avery Brooks has a lovely singing voice.
      • His singing voice shows up again in the seventh season where he duets with Odo, which is just awkward and absurd enough to be hilarious.
    • Dax and Bashir sound like they're reciting a formula, Kira has an "I want to kill something" tone, while Sisko has apparently decided to just roll with it.
    • Fridge Brilliance: Sisko is likely quite familiar with childrens' rhymes, being a parent.
  • When Kira defies Sisko's command to leave him and Jadzia behind. It goes from dramatic to snarky to silly, very quickly.
    Sisko: I gave you a direct order!
    Kira: Court-martial me.
    Sisko: I can't, you're not in Starfleet.

The Nagus

  • There's a moment in "The Nagus" where Jadzia encourages Sisko to go find Jake, who's late for the dinner he has on the table. After Benjamin leaves, Dax just ladles out a bowl of stew and starts eating it like getting him out of the way of dinner was the plan all along.
    • Knowing Dax, it probably was.
    • In that same episode, the whole scene-wide homage to The Godfather. Down to Don Quark stroking a pet in his lap.
      • At one point, the production crew apparently even looped in the actual music for the scene, though as they didn't secure the licensing rights, the scene was never released with it.

Vortex

Battle Lines

The Storyteller

Progress

  • Kira's whole interaction with Mullibok is one long string of funny moments (largely at her expense), but she gets one wonderfully understated moment of her own when the old Bajoran is telling her his life story.
    Mullibok: So, once again, starvation and I were staring each other in the face. Uh... I'm not boring you?
    Kira: [shakes her head] No, no not at all. I want to hear who won.

If Wishes Were Horses

  • Odo and the bird in the Promenade during "If Wishes Were Horses". "This isn't a show!" Also, when he warns the customers at Quark's to refrain from using their imaginations...leading to Quark rebuking him for having no imagination himself...which leads to Odo "imagining" Quark into a cell—with a very satisfied smirk.

The Foresaken

  • Odo's panicky reactions to Lwaxana Troi's flirtations. And Sisko is loving it:
    Odo: She seems...interested in me!
    Sisko: (Grinning) So she's after you, eh?
    • Culminating in the moment when Odo and Lwaxana realize they're stuck in a lift:
      Lwaxana Troi: Well! Alone at last...!
      (Odo gives an Oh, Crap! look for the ages.)
    • Shortly before the above, Odo trying to turn down her offer of a picnic on the grounds that (among other things) he doesn't eat:
      Odo: Every sixteen hours, I turn into a LIQUID!
      Lwaxana: (Beat; shrugs) I can swim.
    • Meanwhile Bashir suffers having to chaperone a trio of stereotypical Ass in Ambassador types, finally whining to Sisko, who is admittedly taking a "perverse pleasure" in the whole thing.
      Sisko: You never know just when the right ambassador will be along to help your career.
      Bashir: Another hour with them could DESTROY my career!
      • A moment later, when Sisko says he should just "keep them happy", Bashir finally loses it:
        "NOTHING MAKES THEM HAPPY! They are dedicated to being unhappy and spreading their un-happiness wherever they go!—They ARE...The Ambassadors Of Unhappy!!!"

Dramatis Personae

Duet

In The Hands Of The Prophets

  • Odo's Deadpan Snarker commentary about the episode's murder victim, who was killed before being placed in a plasma conduit to destroy the body. Turns out he'd been going to Runabout Pad C, not to the conduit, defying the assumption that he'd been on a repair job.
    O'Brien: A runabout? What was he doing in a runabout at four in the morning?
    Odo: Apparently, he was getting murdered.

    Season 2 

The Homecoming

  • After Quark gets branded by the Circle, Sisko and co. pay him a visit, which results in a tense conversation about the state of the Bajoran provisional government. When Quark begins to say he intends to sue the government for financial conversation, Sisko cuts him off with an amazingly curt dismissal. It's totally sudden, but it couldn't have been said better.

The Circle

  • When everyone starts entering Kira's room while she's packing to leave the station. More and more people keep entering, Kira keeps getting more agitated, conversations get mixed up and Quark mistakes it all for a party.
    Bashir: Will someone please explain this conversation to me?

  • Quark expressing his panic about the Circle to Odo. "We got to leave! Well, I do, anyway. You can just turn into a couch."

The Siege

  • Quark reveals he plans on fleecing people trying to get off the station. Rom reacts appropriately.
    Quark: Do you think I would sell you out, my own brother, just for the sake of profit?
    (Beat, before Rom nods)
    Quark: It would have to be the deal of a lifetime.
    Rom: Yes! My lifetime!
    • And then, after the runabouts leave, Quark shows up at the docking ring carrying a suitcase full of latinum... only for Bashir to tell Sisko that Quark wasn't on the passenger manifest. Turns out Rom had his ticket, and used it to bring along one of the Dabo girls.
  • Jadzia's sarcastic assessment of the broken-down old fighters. "Hooray, seat-of-the-pants technology."
    • At one point, a fire starts. She grabs the extinguisher... And it emits a brief squirt before going empty.
    Jadzia: That's it?!

Invasive Procedures

Cardassians

  • Bashir going to Sisko in the middle of the night in "Cardassians" to request the use of a runabout.
    Bashir: It's Garak, sir. He wants to go to Bajor.
    Sisko: Bajor? For what?
    Bashir: He wouldn't tell me.
    Sisko: Well, by all means! Will one runabout be enough?
  • Bashir and Garak are trying to get information about an adoption from a Bajoran orphanage. The woman they talk to isn't particularly cooperative, saying they have no records from that time, when Bajor was occupied, but Garak points out that the Cardassians were meticulous record keepers.
    Garak: Certainly computer entries were made on a regular basis.
    Woman: I wouldn't know. I wasn't a volunteer then. I was in the underground [resistance fighters].
    Garak: [delighted] Really? Perhaps we have met!

Melora

  • After Melora corrects her order at the Klingon restaurant, the chef takes her original plate order and tosses it over his shoulder.
  • Quark and Odo are discussing a potential threat on Quark's life.
    Odo: "I have no reason to hold him for now and he knows it. I'll watch him the best I can, but I suggest you carry a comm badge with you at all times. Call me at the first sign of trouble."
    Quark: "What if the first sign is the last sign?"
    Odo: "You people sell pieces of yourself after you die, don't you?"
    Quark: "Yes."
    Odo: "I'll buy one."

Rules of Acquisition

  • Quark's reaction to learning that Pel is a female: He faints dead away in the center of the bar.

Necessary Evil

  • If you can stomach Rom's screaming, the scene where Rom saves Quark from a killer
    Odo: "Oh, quit screaming, Rom! You're a hero!"
    Rom: "...I am?"
    Odo: "Yes. You saved your brother's life."
    Rom smiles for a moment, then realizes he won't be inheriting his brother's bar and starts screaming again. Quark (who's comatose) smiles.

Second Sight

Sanctuary

  • Kira's assessment of her conversation with Quark, wherein Quark urgently called her to complain about a musician in his bar distracting people from gambling.
    Sisko: Ah, Major. Get everything settled with Quark?
    Kira: [seething] Oh, that little toad is this close to doing a 360 out an airlock.
  • Jake and Nog discussing Jake's date, who's a dabo girl. Who studies entomology. Nog has a hard time keeping up.
    Nog: What is entomology?
    Jake: The study of bugs.
    Nog: [suddenly understanding] Oh, you mean she wants to be a chef?
  • Quark bitches to Odo about the Skrreeans, namely the way they smell and the way their skin flakes. Odo responds by being Odo.
    Odo: They won't be here long.
    Quark: I hope not, they're driving my paying customers away! They stay here too long and I'll be out of business.
    Odo (smirking): In that case, I hope they never leave.

Rivals

The Alternate

  • Sisko trying to justify to Jake why he needs to learn Klingon opera:
    Sisko: You may find yourself... among some Klingons... in a job... somewhere.

Armageddon Game

  • The subversion of Spotting the Thread when Keiko starts to suspect a security video has been tampered with, as it shows O'Brien drinking coffee in the afternoon, which he never does. Then after she's proven right and everything's wrapped up, he asks for a coffee. When she says in confusion that he never drinks coffee in the afternoon, he says, "Sure I do."
  • Doctor Bashir's fumbling attempts to thank O'Brien when everything's over, while the chief is with his wife.

Whispers

Paradise

Shadowplay

Playing God

  • In "Playing God", pretty much all the interactions between Dax and Arjin. Arjin keeps expecting Drill Sergeant Nasty and reacting to Jadzia's Blithe Spirit ways.
    • In the same episode, the voles. It's a tossup between them and Tribbles as the worse infestation.
      Sisko: Phasers on stun, Chief. I want those voles taken alive! (His tone of voice is great)
      Sisko: (later) ...and take those phasers off stun, Chief! No more Mr. Nice Guy.
    • Also, when Quark reports that someone wants to kill him. Odo just turns to him...and smirks.

Profit and Loss

  • After Odo agrees to let Natima Lang and her students go, Cardassian dissidents, Quark expresses his gratitude with a hug.
    Odo: Let. Go.

Blood Oath

  • In the episode "Blood Oath", Kor is very understanding of Jadzia's sense that she should come along their quest for revenge, even though it was technically the late Curzon who owed the debt. He makes it sound like vacation on Risa.
    Kor: Of course you should come! The splendor of fighting and killing; a bloodbath in the cause of vengeance; who wouldn't want to come?!
    • After taking one good look at the still-drunken Kor and calling him out on said drunkenness, Koloth, who came to Odo demanding that Kor be freed, looks at Odo and shouts "KEEP HIM!" Kor just waves goodbye and goes back to sleep. Odo rolls his eyes and sighs long-sufferingly.
    • Before that, when Koloth first enters, Odo asks him how he got into the cell block.
      Koloth: I am Koloth.
      Odo: That doesn't answer my question.
      Koloth: Yes, it does.
    • On top of that is Odo's subsequent rant to Kira in Ops about how this has been another "Klingon afternoon," implying this isn't even the most outrageous day with the Klingons he's had.
    • Drunken Kor, that is all.

The Maquis Parts 1 & 2

  • When Dukat has been taking captive by the Maquis and is being interrogated. He proceeds to make fun of their ineptitude as terrorists; but then again, what would one expect from Federation citizens?

The Wire

Crossover

The Collaborator

Tribunal

The Jem'Hadar

    Season 3 

The Search

  • In Part 2, Quark blatantly referenced Martin Luther King's speech, saying that he had a dream of all races together... gambling.

House of Quark

  • Most of the episode "The House of Quark", which could earn a position on this list for concept alone (Quark becomes head of a Klingon Great House) but it doubles up with some HILARIOUS dialogue:
    Rom: What about Kozak's family? What if they come here for revenge?
    Quark: If that happens, I'll stand up, look them straight in the eye... and offer them a bribe.

    Gowron: The charge has been made! You are accused of using... money... to bring down a Great House!

    Quark: I am Quark, son of Keldar, and I have come to answer the challenge of D'Ghor, son of... whatever.
    • Then there's this: there's just something utterly hilarious about watching the most powerful men in the Klingon Empire trying to wrap their heads around Quark's explanation of how D'Ghor financially manipulated the House of Kozak to the edge of bankruptcy.
    • Gowron's initial reaction to having to deal with such a silly matter is priceless. The wide-eyed Klingon incarnation of Ambition Is Evil on his throne of success, completely discombobulated and trying to pronounce Quark's name right.

Equilibrium

  • Odo attempting to stir a souffle in the beginning of "Equilibrium" (i.e. a stationary spoon and moving the bowl in a circle around it). Plus the beets conversation.

Second Skin

The Abandoned

Civil Defense

  • Dukat's hilariously awkward team-up with the main characters when he screws up and can't beam out of the station — after he'd beamed in specifically to gloat at them for not being able to fix the problem. Basically anything Dukat does in that episode, from his epic snarkbattle with Garak to ordering tea from the replicator that's shooting at everybody.
    • Sisko gets in a remark about Dukat, despite not actually interacting with him in the episode, after they've heard several minutes worth of Dukat's recorded messages.
      Sisko: You know, I never knew how much this man's voice annoyed me.

Meridian

  • "I've been waiting for you..." note 

Defiant

Fascination

  • Almost the entirety of "Fascination".
    • ...but special mention must go to Lwaxana dancing with Odo.

Past Tense, parts 1 & 2

Life Support

Heart of Stone

Destiny

  • O'Brien has to work with a female Cardassian engineer who really gets on his nerves, and he responds in kind. Then he learns this is how Cardassians flirt.
    Gilora: I assure you, I'm quite fertile... I could provide you with many healthy children, if that's your concern, but frankly I think you're getting a little ahead of yourself.

Prophet Motive

  • "Prophet Motive" is another barrel of laughs:
    • Quark and Rom arguing over Rom's messy room...and the contents therein.
      • Bonus points for the in-scene Running Gag about Rom's ear cleaner.
    • Quark and Rom's "discussing" who should tell the Nagus to move out of Quark's room.
      • "GRAND NAGUS!!! FORGIVE ME FOR DISTURBING YOU...!!!"
  • Quark trying to see if there's a "hidden message" in the book of Revised Rules of Acquisition...culminating in his licking the cover!
  • When Quark explains that being associated with Zek's new Rules would lead to them all being thrown from the Tower of Commerce, pointing dramatically up. Cue the following:
    Rom: The Tower of Commerce?! But...that's the tallest building in the Ferengi Alliance. A...fall from that height could...
    (Quarks starts lowering his pointing arm, slowly)
    Rom: (Watching it fall) ...could...coul-oh...! ''(Epic Oh, Crap! look)
  • Two words: beetle snuff.
  • The revised Rules of Acquisition themselves and Quark and Rom's reaction to them.
    Quark: I can take it. Tell me.
    Rom: Rule number two hundred and eighty five. A good deed is its own reward. ... ... Brother, are you all right?
    Quark: I just have to sit down.
    • Quark concludes that the revised Rules of Acquisition must be part of some devious plan concocted by Grand Nagus Zek. Later...
      Zek: Quark, my boy. What say we buy everyone a drink? Put it on my tab.
      Quark: But why?
      Zek: It will make everyone happy. And that will make me happy.
      Rom: It must all be part of his plan. Wheels within wheels, brother.

Visionary

  • In the episode "Visionary", DS9 plays host to a delegation of Romulans.
    Sisko: When you're in with the Romulans, try to be... diplomatic.
    Kira: I'm always diplomatic!
    (Gilligan Cut to:)
    Kira: That is the most RIDICULOUS thing I have ever heard, and I resent the implication!
  • When O'Brien urges Quark to try a game of darts, Quark throws them all at once to O'Brien's horror and they end up embedded into Morn who looks quite distraught. Quark then mentions how it was O'Brien's fault for having such a dangerous game in his bar.
  • Odo's discussion of his investigation with Sisko includes this exchange:
    Odo: Don't worry, I plan to investigate the Klingons, the Bajorans, Quark, the visiting Terrelians...
    Sisko: You think Quark had something to do with this?
    Odo (confused): ...I always investigate Quark!

Distant Voices

Through The Looking Glass

Improbable Cause

  • Doctor Bashir asks Garak if there's anything Bashir can do while Garak is gone, like water his plants.
    Garak: If you go into my quarters and examine the bulkhead next to the replicator, you'll notice there's a false panel. Behind that panel is a compartment containing an isolinear rod. If I'm not back within 78 hours, I want you to take that rod... and eat it.
    Bashir: Eat it? You're joking.
    Garak: [cheerfully trolling] Yes, Doctor. I am.
  • Garak once again twisting Bashir's sense of morality on its head with his reinterpretation of the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
    Garak: Are you sure that's the moral of the story?
    Bashir: What else could it be?
    Garak: Never tell the same lie twice.
  • Odo and Sisko have just talked to a Romulan officer:
    Sisko: The question still remains: Why would the Romulans want to have Garak killed?
    Odo: I don't know. Considering those uniforms of theirs, you'd think they'd appreciate a decent tailor. (Sisko smiles at that).

The Die Is Cast

  • The way Garak goes about pointing out that Odo had no reason to trust him in the first place in "The Die Is Cast" after Odo acts betrayed. Odo gets the upper hand later in their battle of wits and wills but this line is priceless especially with Garak's trademark delivery.
    Odo: I don't believe you Garak, and I doubt I'll believe much of what you have to say from now on, so save us both some trouble and leave me alone.
    Garak: Why, Constable! You seem positively disappointed in me. Oh, I suppose it's understandable: after all I did pledge my undying devotion and eternal allegiance to both you and the Federation, and you and I have been through so much together, shared so many experiences, and I know you considered me a close friend. No wonder you feel betrayed.

Explorers

  • We get to see Leeta and Dr. Bashir flirt at the bar and it's hilarious:
    Leeta: You're Dr. Bashir, right? I've been meaning to come by the infirmary to see you. *hilariously fake cough*
    Bashir: Oh *dear.* It's a good thing you came to me when you did, we need to start your treatment immediately.
    • (The "treatment" is hot toddies from the bar. Bashir decides he might be getting "sick" too and orders one for himself.)
    • It gets even better when Dax comes by to interrupt the action. Bashir quickly gives her "the immunology data you asked for" and discreetly hands her a PADD that says "GO AWAY".
  • "Jerusalem"!! And the following conversation
    O'Brien I hated you when we first met! And now...I...
    Bashir: And now...
    O'Brien And now, I...don't.

Family Business

  • From "Family Business":
    • "Moooooooooogieeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"
    • Quark's Heroic B.S.O.D.—specifically the fact that he apparently actually freezes for a while.
    • The whole thing about Rom being more comfortable with his mother's clothes off. (It Makes Sense in Context...sort of) And the fact that she understands—and complies. (In a nutshell, Ferengi culture views the concept of clothed females as Squick.)
    • Rom snapping and giving BOTH Quark and Ishka a "The Reason You Suck" Speech, capping it off with:
      "NOW! NEITHER ARE YOU ARE GOING TO LEAVE THIS ROOM UNTIL YOU SETTLE THINGS—IS—THAT—CLEAR? AND NO--SHOUTING!!! (Beat) I'm gonna go take a nap...."
    • Quark and Brunt's farewells, said with the most cheer either of them can manage.
      Brunt: I sincerely hope I never see any of you again!
      Quark: The feeling is mutual.
    • Sisko encounters O'Brien, Bashir, and Odo outside of the bar. As Sisko leaves O'Brien assumes that he is going to see Kasidy, who Sisko hasn't met yet but Jake has already told everyone about. Sisko is a little irked at that, and is forced to plaster an artificial smile on his face as he walks away in a "What next?" attitude.

Shakaar

Facets

  • Audrid-in-Quark's body talking about the birth of her first child. Hearing those words coming out of Quark's mouth and the tone they're said in is pretty hilarious. Also, Quark's reaction to having to go through this Trill ritual.
    Quark: Just remember, not a word about this to anyone.
  • Quark's reaction to seeing Curzon-in-Odo's-body. Especially when Curzon/Odo plants a big kiss on his forehead just to troll him.

The Adversary

    Season 4 

The Way Of The Warrior

  • Worf's first meeting with Kira and Dax, who had been up in the holosuite in a medieval fantasy program and in costume... including hennin of all things (which Kira has an amusing fight with, trying to get it off her head).
    Dax: I can't believe you did that!
    Kira: He didn't leave me any choice!
    Bashir: Wait, wait, wait. What did she do?
    Dax: She knocked out Lancelot.
    Kira: He kissed me!
    Dax: He's supposed to kiss you!
    (Bashir and O'Brien chuckle, realizing Kira didn't get it.)
    Kira: But I was playing a married woman!
    Bashir: Lieutenant Commander Worf, this is Lieutenant Commander Jadzia Dax and Major Kira Nerys, our first officer.
    Worf: (Beat) Nice Hat.
  • Remember the Prune Juice joke from TNG? It returns...
    Quark: Let me guess... Klingon Bloodwine.
    Worf: Prune juice, chilled.
    Quark: (laughing) Prune juice!?
    Worf: *DEATH GLARE*
    Quark: (meekly) I-if you say so.
  • Right afterwards, O'Brien and Bashir try to invite him to play darts. Worf proceeds to throw the dart so hard that it over-embeds into the dart board. That's quite an arm he's got...
  • "You're going to hit them with a box?"
    • Following from the above moment, Quark thinks he's got an ace in the hole when he gets out his disruptor prior to a Klingon attack on the station. However...
      Odo (reading a note in Quark's disruptor pistol box): "Dear Quark, used parts from your disruptor to fix the replicators. Will return them soon. Rom."
      Quark: I will kill him!
      Odo: With what?
  • How can you have a moment be both this and Awesome at the same time? Garak walks up to Dukat and offer his hand in defending the Council from Klingons about to invade the station. While Dukat accepts the help, he and Garak trade barbs the entire time... even while holding off a rush of about ten Klingons.
    Garak: I find this hand-to-hand combat really quite distasteful!
    Dukat: I suppose you prefer the simplicity of an interrogation chamber!
    Garak: You have to admit it's much more civilized!
  • Also, the priceless reply to a belligerent Klingon insulting Odo (in his native tongue, naturally):
    Garak: Actually, I'm not sure Constable Odo has a mother.
    • Immediately after...
    Odo: I didn't know you spoke Klingon.
  • The Klingons were just before hassling Morn, asking "So what it is it that you do on this station?" (He is, of course, Quark's chief customer/mascot.)

The Visitor

Hippocratic Oath

  • In "Hippocratic Oath":
    O'Brien Exactly! See, you understand! Now why can't she see that? Why can't she be more like y- [trails off and pretends to be busy looking at the console]
    Bashir More like...?
    O'Brien Um...er... more like - more like a man!
    Bashir [with a look that just screams 'oh yeah, brilliant save there'] So... you wish Keiko was a man?
    O'Brien I wish I was on this trip with someone else, that's what I wish!

Indiscretion

  • Dukat getting a cactus spine in his ass and Kira having to pull it out.

Rejoined

Starship Down

  • In "Starship Down," Hanok, a Gamma Quadrant trade minister, is furious at having been cheated by Quark and indignantly denies that he would ever resort to Quark's shady business practices. Then, a Jem'Hadar torpedo lodges itself in the wall of the Defiant and Hanok has to defuse it, which he knows how to do because, as he reveals, he sells the torpedoes.
    Quark: Wait a minute... I thought you said you didn't sell any substandard merchandise. Aren't these supposed to go off on impact?
    Hanok: ...Maybe I should offer them a refund.
    {beat}
    Hanok: Hahahahahaha!
    Both: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Little Green Men

  • "You're going to invade... Cleveland?!"
  • Quark trying to bluff that he and his people have been studying Earth for years, based on the tiny bits of Earth culture he picked up on the station.
    Quark: We know all about you people: Baseball... root beer... darts.
  • Quark using his finger as a death ray.
    General Denning: Looks a lot like a finger to me.

The Sword of Kahless

Our Man Bashir

  • Everything about "Our Man Bashir" (before it gets dramatic), especially if you're a James Bond fan. Such as Bashir knocking out a man with a champagne cork and making a gun out of parts of his shoe.
    • And of course, the always classic:
    Anastasia (who looks like Kira): I never thought I'd see you alive again after you fell out of that dirigible over Iceland!
    Bashir: I had a parachute... and there was a submarine waiting for me.
    • Garak gets to flex his dry wit as well.
    Bashir: I work for one of the nation-states of this era, Great Britain, which is battling various other nations in what is called the Cold War. This apartment, my clothes, weapons, even my valet were provided to me by my government.
    Garak: ...I think I joined the wrong intelligence service.

    Garak: Kiss the girl, get the key - they never taught me that in the Obsidian Order.

    Garak: I only know one thing for sure, Doctor... When the molten lava begins pouring into this cave, you and I are going to be very uncomfortable.

    Garak: Interesting, you saved the day by destroying the world.
    Bashir: I bet they didn't teach you that in the Obsidian Order.

Homefront

  • As the episode starts, the wormhole has been opening and closing repeatedly for no apparent reason. When it finally returns to normal, Kira's mild dejection (as the wormhole is home to the Prophets, the gods of her people) leads to one of the best Worf lines in Star Trek history.
    Kira:Part of me was hoping that the Prophets were behind it. That they were finally going to show themselves to the Bajoran people.
    Worf: I prefer Klingon beliefs.
    Kira: I suppose your gods aren't as cryptic as ours.
    Worf: Our gods are dead. Ancient Klingon warriors slew them a millennia ago. They were more trouble than they were worth.
    Kira: I don't think I'll ever understand Klingons.
    O'Brien: Don't worry about it, Major. Nobody does. That's the way they like it.

Paradise Lost

Crossfire

  • Odo and Worf describing the various ways to be antisocial.

Return To Grace

Sons Of Mogh

Bar Association

  • Worf gets his tooth sharpener stolen in the episode "Bar Association". While he's ranting that nothing like this ever happened on the Enterprise, Odo just grins and begins to read off a long, long list of similar incidents. You know he's just been waiting for the chance to do this.
    • Hilariously, the PADD with this list is just lying on top of his desk, and he doesn't actually press any buttons when he picks it up—he probably took it out any time he had to meet with Worf, waiting eagerly for the chance to use it.
  • O'Brien and Bashir's conversation about taking a cyst off of O'Brien's neck.
  • Rom the Ferengi starting a worker's union? That's funny. Rom the Ferengi quoting Karl Marx? That's hysterical.

Accession

  • This bit from "Accession":
    Quark (to Worf): Did you hear? Keiko's gonna have another baby!
    Worf (alarmed): ...Now?!
    • Remember the time in TNG where Worf had to deliver a baby? Keiko's baby? He does.
    • It goes on and gets even funnier:
      O'Brien: No, seven months from now.
      Worf: Seven months. Unfortunately, I will be away from the station at that time. Far away. Visiting my parents. On Earth. Excuse me.
    • And how Quark himself found out.
      Bashir: Quark! Did you hear? Chief O'Brien is having a baby!
      Quark (to O'Brien): I thought your females carried your young.

Rules Of Engagement

Hard Time

Shattered Mirror

  • Horrible yet funny: Intendent Kira of the mirror universe is languishing in a jail cell and tries flirting with the guard. He snarls that she executed his wife.
    Kira: What a coincidence! I was hoping you weren't married!

The Muse

  • Odo's face when Lwaxana tells him she's pregnant. His expression screams, "How am I going to get out of this?!" note 
  • Worf's expression yelling "Get me out of here!" when Lwaxana is talking to Kira and Jadzia.
    • Worf volunteering to go on a walk with Odo just to get out of the conversation he contributed nothing to.

For The Cause

  • Ziyal arrives in Garak's shop. He has no clue why she's here. He was, after all, involved in some way with the death of her grandfather and has made no secret of the fact that he'd like to kill her father as well. According to what we know of the Cardassian culture, she would be perfectly justified in killing him anytime, anywhere. And yet all she wants to be is his friend. This is so incomprehensible to Garak that he's quite awkward, one of the only times in the show that he has not felt in control of a situation. Just look at him while they talk, usually he can predict the other side of a conversation several lines in advance, but not with her.
    • And later when Kira interrupts while he's fitting some new pants for Quark in order to threaten him about Ziyal, the latter jokingly muses how it could possibly be a plan between the two women — Kira makes him let his guard down, and Ziyal takes him out. It's hilarious to watch the normally calm and collected Garak wide-eyed with paranoia and dread.

To The Death

  • "To the Death":
    Omet'iklan: I am First Omet'Iklan, and I am dead...
    ...
    O'Brien: I am Chief Miles Edward O'Brien. I'm very much alive and I intend to stay that way. (crewmen laugh)
    Sisko: Amen. Let's get it done!

The Quickening

  • The otherwise heartbreaking episode "The Quickening" starts with Quark having manipulated Deep Space Nine's systems to broadcast his advert: "Come to Quark's, Quark's is fun!". Major Kira threatens that if they aren't removed by the time she gets back from their next mission, "I will come to Quark's. And believe me...I will have fun."
    • And then Worf comes in moments after we see the ad, and reveals that Quark has tampered with the replicators as well, to serve all beverages in mugs that sing the same jingle when tipped.

Body Parts

  • Pretty much all of "Body Parts", but especially the scene where Quark and Garak are testing assassination methods for Quark in the holosuite:
    (After Garak snaps holo-Quark's neck)
    Garak: How's that?
    Quark: Awful. Did you hear that sound of bone snapping? I don't want that to be the last thing I hear.
    Garak: It wasn't that loud...
    Quark: You don't have these ears. Snapping vertebrae is out.
    Garak: We're running out of options, Quark. You don't want to be vaporized because you need a body, the disruptor ruined your clothes, the knife was too savage, the nerve gas smelled bad, hanging took too long, and poison...what was wrong with poison?
    Quark: It won't work. If I know my food is poisoned, I won't eat it.
    • Also, Quark's hilarious revelation that he isn't actually dying from a terminal illness:
      Dr. Bashir: Quark, I just got an odd message from a Dr. Orpax on Ferenginar. He wanted me to tell you he's very sorry. You don't have Dorek's Syndrome. Does that make any sense to you?
      Rom: You don't have Dorek's Syndrome...
      Quark: You know what that means, Rom?
      Rom: It means you're going to live!
      Quark: (Elated with realization) IT MEANS I GET TO SUE DR. ORPAX FOR MALPRACTICE! ...and I'm going to live.
    • When Brunt demands delivery of what he paid for (basically Quark's ashes):
      Quark: Maybe I wasn't clear.... I'm not dying.
      Brunt: Maybe I wasn't clear.... I don't care. I want...my merchandise. Now, I have...a thousand ideas on how to defile your remains. Would you like to hear my favorites?
    • The reason Brunt wants his ashes-equivalent isn't business; it's because he hates Quark so much he wants him dead (or at least to have to break a contract with a Ferengi, which essentially makes other Ferengi treat him as if he were dead). Why? Because in his view, Quark is too nice to his employees and customers. This culminates with Quark accidentally slipping out that he gives his employees vacation, infuriating Brunt even further. Then Quark tries to backpedal by claiming the employees have to pay for their vacation, but Brunt sees right through him:
      Quark: I didn't give them anything. They contributed to a central fund which I manage.
      Brunt: You dis-GUST me.
    • And when The Power of Friendship comes to Quarks rescue with furniture and drinks so that he can restart his bar, he tries desperately to salvage what's left of his pride. And Sisko just rolls with it.
      Quark: Captain, you can't do this! (off Sisko's look) Not without paying a storage fee....A minimum storage fee. Practically nothing.
      Sisko: Send me the bill.

Broken Link

  • In "Broken Link", Bashir speculating on Odo's ailment: "I mean, for all I know, this could be a normal biological process—the changeling equivalent of puberty...or...menopause...." Odo's reaction to the last bit is priceless.
  • Kira's version of Morning Sickness.
    (Kira begins sneezing)
    Jadzia: Two. Three. I say she stops at seven.
    Sisko: I say eight. Mr. Worf?
    Worf: (reluctantly) Ten.
    Kira: (stops after sneezing eight times) Uh, I hate being pregnant!
    Sisko: I win.
    • And at the end...
      Sisko: In the meantime, I want [Odo] left alone to rest, agreed?
      Kira: Atchoo!!!
      Sisko: Agreed.
  • Quark somehow getting into the discussion and mentioning that Ferengi men have to pay their women for the duration of the pregnancy—they consider it more of a "rental."
  • Tasked with occupying Odo's attention on the trip to the Founder's homeworld, Garak delights in weaving half truths about his mysterious past for Odo to puzzle out. This later backfires hilariously when Garak, trying to make a good diplomatic impression, is trying to ask Odo whether he looks presentable and Odo is too obsessed with figuring out the mystery to care.
  • Bashir is about to throw a pebble into an ocean to pass time. The ocean in question is the Great Link of the Founders.
    Sisko: Doctor?
    Bashir: Ooooooooooooh. (looks at the pebble) Right.

    Season 5 

Apocalypse Rising

  • From "Apocalypse Rising":
    Dukat: Major, I must say I'm shocked [to find out that] you're pregnant! I hope First Minister Shakaar appreciates what a lucky man he is.
    Kira: Shakaar's not the father.
    Dukat: (Sounding perplexed) Then who is?
    Kira: (nonchalantly) Chief O'Brien! note 
    • Said moment is even funnier when you remember that Dukat's hobby consists of making 8 babies with his wife, having 2 more (that we know of) with his Bajoran mistresses, and keeping track of pretty much everyone he knows' (but especially Kira's) sex life. Dukat's face just shows a look of "She wouldn't give me the time of day, but now she's carrying on with the O'Briens? Seriously!?"
      • Does this mean Dukat was imagining a Kira x Miles x Keiko threesome? Wow Dukat, you're a perv.
    • And speaking of who the father of Kira's baby is... note 
      Kira: But don't forget, this [her being pregnant]... is still your fault.
      Bashir: My fault?
      Kira: You performed the transfer from Keiko to me.
      Bashir: After you volunteered.
      Kira: After you put the idea in my head.
      Bashir: After you flew the runabout into the asteroid field.
      Kira: After you insisted we check on those anomalous bio-scans.
      Bashir: That was Keiko.
      Kira: That's right. It was. But I'd rather blame you.
    • Worf pulling a Drill Sergeant Nasty act so as to get Sisko, Odo, and O'Brien into character as Klingons. Hilarity Ensues:
      Worf: I called you a dung beetle!
      Odo: I heard you!
      Worf: And what is your response?!
      Worf: (Sighs, heads to Sisko) Sir...perhaps it would be best if I were to—
      Sisko: (backhands Worf and enters Large Ham mode) ARE YOU QUESTIONING—THE VALIDITY—OF MY PLAN?!?
      Worf: Very convincing, Captain—but was your intention to challenge me to a fight to the death?
      Sisko: ...No, not at all....
      Worf: Then next time, do not strike me with the back of your hand—use your fist.

The Ship

Looking For par'Mach In All The Wrong Places

  • Quark's "impassioned" speech to Grilka. Desperately stalling for time so that Dax can fix the mechanism Worf's using to control Quark's bat'leth, he invents the Ferengi Rite of Proclamation so that he can make a speech.
    Quark: To this end... my blade soars... through the... aquarium... of my soul... seeking the... kelp of discontent which must be severed so that the rocky bottom of lies waiting, with fertile... sand for the coming seed of Grilka's affection.
    [pauses; goes slower and more sincerely this time]
    Quark: And yet... does this explain my need for her? No. It is like... a giant cave of emptiness... waiting... for the bats of love to hang by—
    [Worf gets the machine fixed; back to the fighting]
  • Also: "War! What is it good for? If you ask me, absolutely nothing."
  • "No... No, I don't need that image, either. In fact I'm gonna stop asking that question altogether. People will come in, I will treat them, and that's all."
  • Worf's attempt to woo Grilka at the start involves tossing Morn out of his seat. Before doing so, he hesitates.
    Worf: I will apologize for this later.

.. Nor the Battle To The Strong

  • Bashir and Jake assist an emergency hospital close to a Klingon warzone. Afterwards, when Bashir makes a surgery joke about his food, it causes Jake to become nauseous and run out the room past three Starfleet doctors who were on the same shift casually eating.
    Doctor 1: His first day?
    Doctor 2: Yeah.
    Doctor 3: Pass the salt.

The Assignment

  • The Pah Wraith that possessed Keiko has O'Brien running around the station making changes without understanding why he's doing them. Rom figures out what the objective is, and nonchalantly asks O'Brien why he wants to kill the wormhole aliens.

Trials And Tribbleations

  • Does the word "tribble" appear in the episode's title? If so, prepare to laugh long and hard. "Trials and Tribble-ations" is made of these.
  • One speech by Bashir (and response by O'Brien):
    Bashir: You know, no one ever met my great-grandfather. This could be a predestination paradox! Come on, chief, surely you took elementary temporal mechanics at the Academy? I may be destined to fall in love with that woman and become my own... great-grandfather.
    O'Brien gives Bashir a disbelieving look that could melt glass
    Bashir: Come on, Chief, you can't just dismiss this!
    O'Brien: I can try.
    Bashir: All right, but I can't wait to see the look on your face when we get back to Deep Space Nine and you find out I never existed!
    • Kira asks them if they're ready for beam-out. O'Brien's reply: "Are we ever!"
    • O'Brien almost manages to keep a straight face as they are beamed out.
    • Even funnier, when the young woman tells Bashir "your flap's open", O'Brien's immediate reaction is to look down at Bashir's pants.
  • When Worf, Odo, Bashir and O'Brien are in the bar and see Scotty, Chekov, and Freeman enter, they confuse Freeman (from behind) for Kirk. Freeman was played by Paul Baxley, William Shatner's stunt double.
  • Worf and the angry tribble. Enough said.
    "Where did you get that... thing?"
    • And of course Odo: "Oh, another glorious chapter in Klingon history. Tell me, do they still sing songs of 'The Great Tribble Hunt?'"
  • Sisko tries to contact the Defiant by tapping his chest... then remembers that this is the 23rd century, and there's nothing there but cloth. He has to actually pull out his communicator, flip it open, and repeat his hail.
    • It's the look on Dax's face that really sells that moment.
  • There's also the pair of Department of Temporal Investigations agents, who play the "humorless government investigator" stereotype to the hilt.
    Dulmer: (after Sisko unwittingly makes a bit of wordplay) Was that a joke?
    Sisko: No.
    Dulmer: Good.
    Lucsly: (utterly stone-faced) We hate those.

    Dulmer: (later on) Are you saying that this was a pre-destination paradox, that you were met to go back in time?
    Sisko: No.
    Dulmer: Good.
    Lucsly: We hate those, too.

    Sisko: (on whether he thinks anything might have changed) My crew and I would have noticed if anything had changed the instant we got back.
    Lucsly: (to Dulmer) Why do they always say that?
  • And the ending, where tribbles have overrun the Promenade, with Quark leaning against the bar, surrounded by tribbles and one on his head.note 
    Odo: Did you tell them?
    Sisko: They didn't ask. I'm open to suggestions, people.
    Dax: We could build another station.
  • The Trouble With Tribbles made Kirk the butt of most of the jokes. Trials and Tribble-ations, while being respectful, piled on just a little bit more.
    Dax (upon spotting Kirk and Spock): He's so much more handsome in person. Those eyes!
    Sisko: Kirk had quite the reputation as a ladies' man.
    Dax: Not him. Spock.
    • Later, we find out that those stray tribbles that keep falling on Kirk's head are, in-universe, being tossed by Sisko and Dax.
  • For a while during that episode Jadzia was struggling to figure out where she knew the name McCoy from, turns out she actually met him when she judged a gymnastics competition as Emony at Ole Miss, she wasn't surprised to see he was a doctor then; remembering fondly that he had the hands of a surgeon.
  • They have to scan every tribble on the Enterprise and station K7. O'Brien and Bashir protest, citing there there must be thousands of them.
    Dax: One million, seven hundred and seventy one thousand, five hundred and sixty one. That's starting with one tribble with an average litter of ten every twelve hours. After three days.
    • Later, she and Sisko are in the storage compartment that Kirk opens and hear Spock make the same calculations. She gives Sisko a look of 'told you so.'
  • The entire segment where Odo, O'Brien, and Bashir see the Klingons from that era, much to their disbelief, and an embarrassed Worf confirming that they are Klingons. When the others ask for an explanation of why they look so different, he merely replies with a prickly "We do not discuss the matter with outsiders."
    • Before that, the barmaid having to point out the Klingons to Bashir and O'Brien.
      Bashir: (looking at the TOS Klingons) Those are Klingons?
      Barmaid: ... I think you fellas have had enough to drink.
  • O'Brien, by any measure one of Starfleet's best engineers, being completely baffled by Enterprise's systems (and the modifications Scotty has made to them)—to the point that he can't use an elevator and almost blows his cover by cutting power to an entire deck.
    O'Brien: Well, first things first, we take this transtator - (the lights go out) - and leave it alone.
  • Darvin (when he still had his cover identity) claiming the Cardassian equivalent to coffee is hot fish juice. Ew.
  • "Barry Waddle"/Darvin refers to the Klingons as 'foul-smelling barbarians.' He then apologizes to Worf, standing right there.
    O'Brien: I wouldn't take it personally, Worf.
    Bashir:' I rather like the way you smell.
    O'Brien: Yeah, sort of earthy, peaty aroma.
    Bashir: With a touch of lilac. (Worf is not amused.)
    • Cut to later on the bridge of the Defiant, and O'Brien is chatting with Sisko and Dax.
    O'Brien: Trust me. Next time you see him, just sniff the air and go 'is that lilac?'
    Dax: Find somebody else. I have my own ways of torturing Worf.

Let He Who Is Without Sin...

  • Quark and Bashir's reaction when they learn Leeta has a crush on Rom.
    Quark (hands the fertility idol to Bashir): Take this, You need this more than I do.
  • The Ferengi version of the Eskimo Postulate:
    Quark: I've seen drier days on Ferenginar, and we have 178 words for rain. Right now, it's glebbening...and that's bad.

Things Past

  • Dax has caught the eye of past!Dukat, who has brought her to his office after an assassination attempt. He begins monologuing about how the Bajorans are children who look to him as a father.
    Dukat: Bad manners are the fault of the parent, not the child. My weakness is I'm too generous, too forgiving. My heart is too big.
    (With his back turned to her, Dax knocks him out.)

The Ascent

  • First in The Ascent, Quark gets a classic piece of snark out as he grabs a pad from an infuriated Odo, as he's being escorted to a court hearing:
    Quark: Or what? What're you gonna do, arrest me?
    • Then reaches a new level as he reads from Odo's pad: it's a trashy romance novel.
  • Odo trying to wake up Quark, only for Quark to yell at him to stop hitting him.
  • Quark's reason for bringing Odo with him when his leg got broken.
    Quark: Don't you get it? I'm not trying to save you. I'm taking you along as emergency rations. If you die, I'm gonna eat you.

The Rapture

  • Rapture is a mostly serious episode, but it does include one particular gem from the party celebrating Bajor's upcoming acceptance into the Federation. Everyone is in the bar when Quark calls for silence, and directs their attention to a couple of Dabo girls on the balcony, holding a folded up cloth. He calls for a drumroll, the cloth is unfurled over the balcony, revealing... a banner displaying the insignia of the Klingon Empire and "WELCOME KLINGONS" written in Klingonese characters underneath. Quark has to quickly pull the RIGHT banner displaying the Federation insignia out from behind the bar.

The Darkness And The Light

The Begotten

For The Uniform

In Purgatory's Shadow / By Inferno's Light

  • "In Purgatory's Shadow" and "By Inferno's Light" had some very funny scenes.
    • Worf assuring Sisko he'll bring Garak back.
      Sisko: I don't need to tell you to keep an eye on him.
      Worf: At the first sign of betrayal, I will kill him, but—I promise to return the body intact.
      Sisko: I assume that's a joke.
      Worf: (smirks) We shall see....
    • Garak pleading with Worf to consider sponsoring his entrance into Starfleet. Worf can't believe it, but Garak's impassioned speech about his need for redemption wins Worf over enough for him to promise to consider it... then Garak suggests his experience should mean he can fast track into commander rank, where he can become Worf's superior officer, and Worf realizes he's been the butt of an elaborate joke.
      Worf: Do not play games with me! You have no intention of joining Starfleet, do you?
      Garak: No, I'm afraid I don't.
      Worf: Then why all this deception?
      Garak: Because lying is a skill like any other and to maintain a level of excellence, one must practice it constantly.
      Worf: Practice on someone else!
      Garak: Mr Worf, you're no fun at all.
      Worf: Good!
    • On the same runabout trip, we learn Garak doesn't care much for Picard's tea of choice.
      Garak: I would like to get my hands on that fellow Earl Grey and tell him a thing or two about tea leaves!
    • Just before they are captured by the Jem'Hadar, Garak politely asks them "Could one of you point us in the direction of the wormhole?" before getting smacked with the butt of a disruptor rifle.
    • Ziyal's sarcastic reaction to Quark moaning about a loss of profits if the Dominion takes over the station.
      Quark: The Jem'Hadar don't eat, don't drink and they don't have sex. To make matters worse, the Founders don't eat, don't drink and they don't have sex either. Which, between me and you, makes my financial future less than certain.
      Ziyal: It might not be so bad. For all we know, the Vorta might be gluttonous, alcoholic sex-maniacs.
      Quark: I hadn't thought of that! I wonder what their favorite food is!
      • And even funnier if you remember what we later learn about the Vorta: they're a race of clones whose sense of taste is largely limited to the foodstuffs they had before being uplifted, and are immune to most poisons, including alcohol. So sorry, Quark, but looks like the Vorta also don't eat, don't drink, or have sex.
      • All though it seems as though there was a minor missed opportunity for humor with Quark attempting to replicate a dish making use of kava nuts and rippleberries or some kind of "texture sampler" plate in a desperate attempt to earn at least some of his money.
    • A subtle but funny callback at the end of the two-parter. Near the start of the two-parter, Garak promised a worried Ziyal he'd return safely and she reached out to touch his hand. Dukat, who had just arrived on the station and spotted this, attacked Garak in a rage over getting too close to Ziyal. At the very end of the two-parter, when Ziyal launches herself into Garak's arms in relief at seeing him back in one piece, he does not immediately return the hug. Instead, he shoots a furtive look around the place as if expecting Dukat to attack him from the shadows before relaxing and returning the hug.
  • In the prison camp Martok promises to seek out the greatest bards on the Klingon homeworld to compose a song about Worf's incredible duels with the Jem'Hadar, even promising to include Bashir as the healer who saw to Worf's wounds. Worf's only response is a flat statement that the only verse he was interested in hearing was "the one where they escaped".

Doctor Bashir, I Presume

  • After Bashir learns he's being considered as the model for a new medical hologram:
    O'Brien: Just think. If this pans out, you'll be able to annoy hundreds of people you've never even met!

A Simple Investigation

  • How about the scene from "A Simple Investigation" where Odo interrupts Julian's spy holonovel to ask him for advice? The conversation distracts Julian enough that O'Brien (as a villain, in an in-universe version of Type Casting) shows up on the other side of Julian's car and points a gun at him.
    O'Brien: Car trouble, Mr. Bashir?! [breaking character] Hi, Odo!
    • And after a conversation, Odo slips out of the car while Julian's distracted. O'Brien seizes the opportunity to hold Julian at gunpoint.

Business As Usual

  • Quark and Gaila are waiting for Hagath in the bar. Quark is Properly Paranoid that Odo may be spying on him, so he starts rattling the chairs.
    Gaila:: Would you stop doing that?!
    Quark: Shhh! Just being careful. Odo could be anywhere! (thinks for a moment) ..Or anything.
    (Quark grabs Gaila's drink out of his hand and puts his finger into it.)
    Gaila: Quark! (grabs his glass back) We saw him walk down the Promenade five minutes ago.
    Quark: He's very tricky!
  • Julian's professional opinion as Chief Medical Officer as to why Yoshi won't sleep.
    Perhaps he's become prematurely aware of life's existential loneliness?
  • A ragged O'Brien puts Yoshi down for a nap...in ops. Specifically, the pit. Everyone in ops comes over to see him.

Ties Of Blood And Water

  • In "Ties of Blood and Water" the recently reintroduced Weyoun, upon hearing that a bottle of Kanar intended for Ghemor has been poisoned, cheerfully chugs it down and admires its toxicity the way one might appreciate a rare vintage. Only then does he go on to explain that in addition to regularly cloning the Vorta, the Dominion has genetically engineered them to be immune to just about every imaginable kind of poison, as this apparently comes in handy for a certain kind of diplomatic negotiations.
    • Given that the Vorta are the "carrot" to the Jem'Hadar's "stick" (i.e. join peacefully, or we'll conquer you), it's quite plausible that some might try to stall by making the diplomats mysteriously die/become ill whenever they came to visit...
    • This scene is funnier in part because both Sisko AND Dukat stare at Weyoun with a look of pure "what the FUCK?" followed by Dukat promptly chewing Weyoun out for it.
    • And right before this scene Weyoun was playing Dabo and, surprisingly, being freaking adorable about it. You may be happy, but you will never be "Weyoun playing Dabo" happy.

Ferengi Love Songs

  • In "Ferengi Love Songs", Quark comes home to stay for awhile and finds the Grand Nagus hiding in his closet. He later finds Liquidator Brunt in his closet... twice.
    Leeta: I hate him.
    Kira: No, you don't.
    Leeta: All he loves is latinum.
    Kira: No, he doesn't.
    Leeta: Cancelling that wedding was the best thing that ever happened to me.
    Kira: No, it isn't.
    Leeta: I am so glad, he's out of my life.
    Kira: No, you're not.
    Leeta: Major, you haven't been listening to me.
    Kira: Yes, I have.

Soldiers Of The Empire

  • "Soldiers of the Empire" starts with General Martok in the infirmary after getting injured while training in a holosuite (he'd spent two years in a Dominion PoW Camp, lost an eye, and said his reflexes were dulled). Julian tells him off for being a moron, and after some back-and-forth grumbling Martok thanks him for fixing him up.
    Julian: You really want to thank me? Don't walk in here dripping blood anymore. It takes days to get it out of the carpet!
    • As Worf prepares to board the Rotarran, Jadzia follows him. He tells her that he'd rather that they didn't have any lengthy goodbyes. She agrees, then follows him as he starts to board. When he tries to stop her again, she casually informs him she's taken leave and is joining the crew.
    Worf: Why did you not tell me?
    Dax: It's more fun this way.
    • It gets better when you apply some fridge logic. As Worf is the Rotarran's executive officer, there's no way that he wouldn't have known that Jadzia joined its crew as a bridge officer unless Martok deliberately kept it from him. That means that Jadzia and Martok must have conspired to screw with Worf.
    • Later, in the mess hall, she's given some grief about the fact that she and Worf are in a romantic relationship.
    Dax: On this trip, my bed is as empty as yours, Leskit. Except mine is empty by choice.

Children Of Time

  • Though it's a major Downer Ending episode, "Children of Time" has one of the funniest Worf moments in Star Trek:
    Brota: Are you the son of Mogh?
    Worf: Yes.
    Brota: Is it true you can kill someone just by looking at them?
    Worf: (beat) Only when I am angry.

Blaze Of Glory

  • In "Blaze Of Glory" there's an interesting off-screen story of how Quark made one of his patrons freak out by sharing his opinion that the Dominion was going to win the war and kill everyone on the station. The poor guy hits Quark with a barstool, runs screaming through the promenade and surprises a meditating Kira by bursting into the Bajoran Shrine completely naked and crying for the Prophets to protect him. What makes it hilarious is the identity of the patron: Morn. Wow.
    • And what makes it even funnier is both Bashir's silent appalled reaction to Quark's prophecies of doom, and the utterly deadpan way Odo dryly summarizes it all:
      Odo: And that's when Morn hit you with a bar stool and ran onto the promenade screaming "We're all doomed."
      Quark: Some people just don't react well to stress.

Empok Nor

  • Nog reporting for the mission with his relativelynote  huge phaser rifle held at Port Arms.

In The Cards

  • "In the Cards", just in general. "The entire future of the galaxy may depend on us tracking down Willie Mays...and stopping him."
    • To put the above quote in context: Nog and Jake are scurrying around the station trying to get a Willie Mays rookie baseball card for captain Sisko. Weyoun is wondering what the hell is going on and abducts them to interrogate them. After their first story falls flat (that they were trying to get Sisko a baseball card), they tell this hugely over the top story about how the guy in the card is in fact a time traveler. Weyoun says that he believes them. Nog, in utter disbelief, asks "You do?" (Weyoun believes their first story and sends them on their way.)
    • Worf staring intently at some wall art.
    Sisko: Worf, you've been paroled. You can go now.
    • Jake and Nog spend the majority of the episode busily working on their Chain of Deals to obtain the baseball card. At one point Worf has Nog use his Ferengi hearing to detect and remove subharmonic distortions from his Klingon opera recordings. The fact that Worf is just anal enough to want to get rid of distortions he isn't even capable of hearing is hilarious.
    • Jake very earnestly explaining to Odo the nature of Geiger's work: "It's a device used to keep the cells in your body from getting bored. You see, he was going to transmit messages to people's cells to keep them entertained so they wouldn't die off and as a result these people would... live forever."
      • Cut to the Promenade and Nog fretting about Odo charging them with filing false reports.
    • Don't forget about Jake guilt-tripping Nog into helping him in the first place. Nog realizes it immediately, but can't resist the power of Jake's Ham.
    • Geiger goes missing, Nog and Jake go to deliver some material to him and can't find. After visiting Odo, and being dismissed, Jake recalls that someone for the Kai was bidding on the same thing that held the baseball card. This results in Jake and Nog going up to Kai Winn and Jake saying, "We need to talk." Quick cut to a pissed-off Sisko, in his office in Ops:
      Sisko: You accused the Kai of kidnapping!!!
    • There is something hilarious about Weyoun kneeling on the floor trying to hear Geiger's machine better, accompanied by a whole team of Jem'Hadar sweeping it with tricorders. You can just imagine the Jem'Hadar are thinking, "Damn it Omet'iklan, why'd you have to kill Weyoun 4? Weyoun 5 is so paranoid ..."
    • "Let me ask you a simple question. Do you want to die?"

Call To Arms

  • Odo asking Garak with some surprise in his voice if he'd really shoot a man in the back (when discussing Dukat in Way of the Warrior). Garak's simple "Well it's the safest way isn't it?"
  • Leeta wants Sisko (being the Emissary) to perform her wedding to Rom. So how does Rom ask him?
    "Will you marry me? I mean, us? I mean...will you perform our wedding?"

    Season 6 

A Time To Stand

  • Worf and Dax have been separated from each other for five weeks, and when they're reunited, Martok says that there is a matter that has been weighing heavily on Worf's mind - Dax scheduled the ritual targ sacrifice for after the feast, not before.
    Dax: Okay, have it your way. First we'll shed blood, then we'll feast.
    Worf: As it should be.
    • Then, when Sisko offers a comment about how he suggests a small wedding...
    Dax: Well, you get married the way you want, and I'll get married the way I want. (very pointed gesture to Worf)
  • In the previous episode, Jake had stayed behind on the station to cover the Dominion occupation of Bajor for the Federation news service. When he finds out that (surprise) the Dominion is blocking his reports from being sent out, he tries to invoke "freedom of the press". Weyoun gives him a What an Idiot stare and says (in an almost pitying tone), "Please tell me you're not that naive..."

Rocks And Shoals

  • In "Rocks and Shoals", Sisko's crew is in pretty dire straits; they've just crashlanded on a hostile planet, having to abandon their ship and swim to shore. They're lightyears from any help, there're still enemies in the area, and Dax has been severely injured. Then, as they're crawling up onto the beach, we get this:
    O'Brien: Ah, no.
    Sisko: What?
    O'Brien: Oh, I don't believe it!
    Sisko: What?
    O'Brien: I tore my pants!
    (Beat.)
    Sisko: You...you tore your pants? (Begins to laugh.)
    (Beat.)
    O'Brien: (Also begins to laugh.)...Yeah, I tore my pants!
    Everyone else: (Is laughing by this point.)
    O'Brien: I guess, I guess I'm really in trouble now, huh?

Sons And Daughters

Behind The Lines

  • "I just shared a bottle of kanar...with, Damar! Hehehe, that rhymes!"
    • And Quark talking of why he can't stand Jem'Hadar. "They just sit there. Staaaaaring...."
    • Drunk Quark in general is a scene stealer.
    Quark: Why didn't you think of that when you set up the minefield?
    Rom: Uh...I don't know.
    Quark: (mockingly) Duh, he doesn't know.
  • Dukat and Weyoun's posturing and competition when the Founder shows up, until she tells them to Dispense with the Pleasantries.

Favor The Bold

  • The battle for Deep Space Nine, control of the wormhole, and the entire future of the Star Trek universe ultimately hinges on... Morn taking birthday presents home to his mother.

Sacrifice of Angels

  • Quark and Ziyal bring a Hasperat Souffle to the security office, ostensibly to give to major Kira. The Cardassian at the front desk immediately starts checking it with a pen to see if something is smuggled inside.
    Quark: Stop poking it! [meekly, seeing guard look up at him suspiciously] I-its very delicate.
    [Ziyal knocks the distracted guard out with a hypospray, and he falls face-first into the souffle with a plop]
    Quark: Now you've ruined it.
  • Quark, dual-wielding phasers, surprises the Jem'Hadar guarding the cells that Major Kira, Rom, Jake, and Leeta are being held in.
    Quark: All right, no one move!
    Rom: Brother! I knew you would come.
    Quark: It's a surprise to me. Now, just keep calm and stay where you are. Understand? Don't move. You, open the holding cells. [sees neither of the guards moving to open the cells] I said, open the holding cells.
    Ziyal: You just told them not to move.
    Quark: Right. Nobody moves, except you.
  • Weyoun's almost jaunty reaction upon realizing the Dominion forces are going to have to abandon DS9.
    Weyoun: Time to start packing!

You Are Cordially Invited

  • From the episode "You Are Cordially Invited":
    • Worf and Martok are conversing about whether Jadzia can sufficiently impress Martok's wife Lady Sirella, who has veto power over the marriage (being that it would be bringing an outsider into House Martok). Martok reveals that Sirella doesn't like Worf either, but then:
      Martok: Don't let that bother you. I had every right to bring you into the family and she's accepted the fact that there's nothing she can do about it.
      Worf: (completely deadpan) How comforting.
      Martok: (stares at him, then bursts out laughing) And they say that you have no sense of humor. BA HA HA HA HA HA!
    • When the crew of Deep Space Nine have agreed to join Worf's Klingon Stag Party, which is like a human bucks party, minus the fun and with added pain.
    Scene shows O'Brien and Bashir hanging by the arms over hot rocks.
    Bashir: Miles...it's working. I've had a vision, about the future. I can see it so clearly.
    O'Brien: What is it?
    Bashir: I'm gonna kill Worf. I'm gonna kill Worf. That's what I'm gonna do. I can see it clearly now, I'm going to kill... him...
    Bashir and O'Brien: Kill Worf. Kill Worf...
    • As part of the Klingon marriage tradition Sisko, O'Brien, and Bashir are required to assault the newlyweds immediately after they tie the knot. After the ordeal they've been through, O'Brien and Bashir are... enthusiastic about this.
    Martok: NOW!
    Bashir & O'Brien: (Running like mad) EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
    (Smash to Black; thumping noises)
    • The first sign of trouble is, rather than the 4 day party the humans expected, they begin a 4-day fast and deal with extreme heat. This is the "Deprivation", the first of six stages. What are the other five? "Blood, pain, anguish, suffering, and death" - words you never want to hear from a Klingon in your direction.
    • What makes matters worse is that the ceremony is usually supposed to take much longer. When Bashir is astonished at having to do it for "four days," Martok replies that it is a shame that they have so little time, but they will have to make do.
      • Immediately after the stages are listed:
      Bashir: Sounds like marriage, all right.
      O'Brien: How would you know?
      • Although it's notable that Martok and Worf are not present in the scenes where O'Brien and Bashir are undergoing deprivation, suggesting that the two Klingons are having a joke at the Humans' expense.
      • Also absent during these scenes are Sisko and Alexander, the two most likely to call BS on what Worf and Martok are saying as they have better experience with "Klingon Klaptrap," lending more credence to the thought that this is a joke at O'Brien and Bashir's expense.
      • And O'Brien and Bashir can't catch a break - they get a reprieve from the fasting when Dax and Worf call the wedding off, and just when they're about to get served a full course meal by Quark, they find out the wedding - and thus, the bachelor's fast - is back on. And you know that Quark still billed them for the food.
        Sisko: Quark, take it all away. No food for those on the path to Kal'Hyah.
        Quark: No refunds for those on the path to Kal'Hyah as well. Sorry.
    • The Klingon wedding ceremony involves sword play and a promise by each to slay the other's enemies, which is written into the vows—because, well, of course it would.
    • The first trial of Worf's "bachelor party" requires ritual bloodletting. Worf and Martok ask for volunteers while their backs are turned, and Sisko, Alexander, and O'Brien take a step back without alerting Julian, making it seem like he "volunteered."
    Worf: I did not expect it to be you, Doctor.
    Bashir: *looks meaningfully at the others* Neither did I.

Resurrection

Statistical Improbabilities

The Magnificent Ferengi

  • "The Magnificent Ferengi":
    • The look on Sisko's face when Quark and Rom accidentally pop out of the hatch in his office.
    Sisko: May I help you, gentlemen?
    Rom: (to Quark) I was following you!
    Quark: (to Sisko) Must have taken a wrong turn.
    • Quark and his recruited team of Ferengi associates failing miserably at a holosuite simulation for rescuing Ishka (Quark's mother) from the Dominion. Quark ends up getting shot in the leg, his cousin Gaila dropped his weapon and ran away while screaming, Rom ran into a wall, and Brunt tried to surrender (and got shot for his trouble). Seeing all of this happen, Leck decided to shoot Ishka, reasoning that he might as well "put her out of her misery" since the Ferengi clearly weren't able to rescue Ishka.
    • "I HATE Ferengi."
    • Ishka giving Yelgrun financial pointers, with every indication that the latter actually appreciates the advice.
    • Rom not being quite as good at pulling a Weekend at Bernie's gambit as he thought he was.

Waltz

Who Mourns For Morn?

  • "Who Mourns for Morn?". All of it, but especially the classic line:
    Quark: Someone's extracted all the latinum! There's nothing here but worthless gold!
    Odo: [savoring the Schadenfreude] And it's all yours.
    Quark: No! Nooooo! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
    • Immediately after this, we cut to Quark wiping down the bar until he spots Morn's vacated bar stool and attempts to rip it out in a fit of rage.

Far Beyond The Stars

One Little Ship

  • The basic premise of the episode is incredibly silly, shrinking a runabout, but the episode immediately acknowledges and lampshades it by Kira breaking into giggles on the bridge of the Defiant.
    Kira: So, how small are they?
    Nog: The miniaturisation process won't begin until the runabout reaches the edge of the accretion disc.
    Kira: I see. And then they'll begin to shrink?
    Nog: Yes, sir.
    Sisko: Major, are you laughing at our investigation of this subspace anomaly?
    Kira: No, sir.
    Worf: The data collected here could provide Starfleet with the key to creating transwarp corridors through space. It could give us a substantial tactical advantage over the Dominion.
    Kira: It's very important research. What? I'm not laughing! Just because we are shrinking three people to the size of coffee cups! (completely cracks up)

Honor Among Thieves

Change Of Heart

  • Jadzia and Worf's conversation in the runabout.
    Worf: I have a sense of humor. On the Enterprise I was considered quite amusing.
    Dax: That must have been one dull ship.

Wrongs Darker Than Death Or Night

Inquisition

In The Pale Moonlight

  • One in the middle of the otherwise very dark episode "In the Pale Moonlight":
    Garak: I've locked him in his quarters. I've also left him with the distinct impression that if he attempts to force the door open, it may explode.
    Sisko: I hope that's just an impression.
    Garak: It's best not to dwell on such minutiae.

His Way

  • "His Way": One of the stranger first kisses in TV history. Comparisons to the legendary first kiss of Sam and Diane are not unwarranted:
    Kira: Now—are we gonna have dinner together, or not?
    Odo: And if we do? Then what?
    Kira: I don't know!—Maybe we could go dancing?
    Odo: And after that? I suppose you'll expect me to kiss you!
    Kira: Well, it's possible!
    Odo: Well then, who needs dinner?—Why don't I just get it over with and kiss you right now?!
    Kira: Well WHY DON'T YOU?!?
    (Odo seizes her and gives a Big Damn Kiss.)
    Kira: (Breathless and weak in the knees) You're right...who needs dinner...?
    • Dax watching Odo snogging Kira with what can only be accurately described as a "Get it, girl!" expression on her face. Quarks similarly has a "My main man just got some!" sort of smile on his face.
    • Earlier, Quark was clearly enjoying himself baiting poor lovesick Odo:
      Quark: You're not exactly the most lovable person in the galaxy. You're not even the most lovable person in this sector. Or on the station. Or even in this room.
    • Odo's Adorkable smile as he "plays" the piano, ending with a "Cool!"
      • Followed up by his absently mumbling "No They're Not Going To Take That Away From Me" in Sisko's office...and Sisko joining in.

The Reckoning

  • The prophecy the episode revolves around has a translation problem. According to Dax, the last line says either that the Bajorans will suffer horribly... or eat fruit. For the record, no Bajorans (well, maybe Kai Winn) suffer horribly. Which means the Prophets actually bothered writing down that the Bajorans would indeed eat fruit.
    • Hilarious in Hindsight: If you rewatch the episode, you might notice there's an earlier scene where Kira's having breakfast with Odo... and she's eating fruit salad.

Valiant

Profit And Lace

  • From "Profit and Lace":
    Grand Nagus Zek: Boys, we're going to reconquer an empire, or DIIIIIEE in the attempt!
    • The Running Gag of Nilva's...enthusiastic plugging of his cola:
    (Shoving a bottle in Nog's face) HERE!—Have a Slug-o-Cola!
    • Rom showing Quark how to walk like a female...and everyone stares at him.
    • Quark devoting to his "character" with Nilva: "When it comes to profit, I'm your girl...!"

Time's Orphan

  • Worf faces his greatest opponent: Kirayoshi O'Brien, and his stubborn refusal to sleep.
    • Later on the episode, Worf starts playing with Yoshi. Worf. Playing games with a baby.

The Sound Of Her Voice

Tears Of The Prophets

  • In an otherwise tragic episode, we get a cute moment with Dax and Worf discussing whether or not to have children. They go to the Holosuite for hours to talk about it, and when they come out everyone asks what they were talking about up there for so long.
    Worf: It is a private matter.
    Dax: We want to have a baby!
    Worf: It was a private matter.
  • The normally composed Weyoun almost has a rage stroke when he finds out that Dukat has somehow managed to make the wormhole, the only way Weyoun's people have to get home or receive reinforcements, disappear. Dukat is completely unfazed by this screw-up of Biblical proportions. The icing on the cake is Damar's quiet look of concern as he stands in the background.
    Weyoun: You mean to tell me that the wormhole is gone?!
    Dukat: I know things didn't go as well as we hoped but ...
    Weyoun: *turns head and makes indistinct scoffing noises while probably wishing he had Eris's telekinesis*

    Season 7 

Image In The Sand

Shadows And Symbols

  • Quark's reaction to getting his hand cut by a Klingon knife.
    O'Brien: It's supposed to hurt.
  • Quark hoping that Worf will say "thank you" to him.
    Quark: All I'm asking for is two little words.
    Worf: BE QUIET!
    Quark: That's two words, all right, just not the two I was hoping for.

Afterimage

  • As Ezri muses over what to order from the Replimat replicator in "Afterimage", you can see her raise her hand and drum her fingers in what is clearly an "eenie-meenie-miney-mo" gesture.
  • Sisko's reaction to Ezri telling him that he intimidates Worf.
    Ezri: You like that, don't you?
    Sisko [trying not to laugh and failing]: Of course not.
    Ezri: Come on. I've been a man, I know.
    • Later on when Ezri uses Worf as a reason not to stay, Sisko says that if Worf has a problem with it...
    Sisko: (completely straight-faced, serious tone) You just say the word and I will intimidate him for you.
  • In a previous episode O'Brien spent half the night drinking with Worf to get him to open up about what's bothering him. In this episode he shows up with a bottle again and Worf groans "oh no, not again."

Take Me Out To The Holosuite

  • The episode "Take Me Out to the Holosuite" gets its kicks in this category. O'Brien making Scotch-flavored chewing gum and Odo practicing his umpire-manship are classic in their own rights, but Worf's lines throughout are comedy gold.
    Sisko: All right Niners, let's hear some chatter!
    Niners: Hey, batter, batter, batter! Swing batter!
    Worf: DEATH TO THE OPPOSITION!!

    O'Brien: He didn't touch home, Nog!
    Nog: Well, what do I do?
    Worf: Find him and KILL him!!
    • What makes it even funnier is that Worf grew up in a Federation colony and played human sports (which sadly includes accidentally killing another boy while playing soccer) so he likely well understands 'chatter' — he's just choosing to play the 'angry Klingon' up to the hilt.
  • Possibly the earliest moment in the episode: Sisko announces just what game their "clash of the Titans" is going to be. Kira looks up at him with an expression that screams "I hate you," "My commanding officer is a twelve-year-old boy," "I want a transfer," and "I am going to get you for this," all without saying a single word. Poor woman.
    • Even better? Earlier in the series, she had admitted that she viewed him as a messenger of her gods. Now think of this situation in that light.
  • When Worf and Sisko argue with umpire Odo over the called third strike on Worf.
    Sisko: You can't tell me that ball was over the plate. What were you doing, regenerating?!
  • Speaking of Odo, the look on his face when he ejects Solok from the game for touching the umpire.
  • At one point the enemy captain watches the crew practice. Worf states if he is conducting reconnaissance, he must fear their team. Rom goes up to bat. After spinning around, landing on the ground, and throwing the bat, the enemy captain just leaves.
  • After the game, when Solok makes yet another remark about humans.
    Ezri: Human? Did I forget to wear my spots today?
    Quark: All that intelligence and he still doesn't know what a human looks like.
    • To the point that Solok leaves in a glorious huff.
  • At one point we see nearly the entire team in the infirmary, for a variety of crazy injuries. At first it seems as though Sisko has been working them too hard, until we start to hear more vague hints about the Noodle Incidents. Turns out Rom was responsible for every single one (or at least, all the ones we learn about). Rom, naturally, is one of the only ones completely unharmed.
  • Rom's actor (Max Grodenchik) apparently was such a good baseball player in real life that he couldn't fake being bad effectively enough, so they made him play with his off hand.
  • Just the sight of Odo in his office practicing his umpire calls, in that hokey voice. Kira's "my cup runneth over" face is awesome.

Chrysalis

  • The Jack Pack sneaking back to DS9 in "Chrysalis". How? By dressing Patrick up as an admiral and having him say "That's a stupid question!" And it works!

Treachery, Faith And The Great River

  • Often overlooked as an "O'Brien must suffer" episode, "Treachery, Faith, and the Great River", Sisko orders O'Brien to repair the Defiant in an impossible amount of time. To procure a part that the chief won't be able to get in time using the normal channels, Nog uses O'Brien's access code to pull off a string of horse trades worthy of Corporal Klinger. Of course many of these trades are borderline illegal, and as the episode goes on, it seems increasingly likely that O'Brien will be facing a court martial, demoted, and possibly murdered by Martok.
    O'Brien: I dont know how you did it, Nog.
    Nog: I never lost faith in the Great Material Continuum.
    O'Brien: Ah, like you say, the river will provide.
    Martok: Chief!
    O'Brien: The waters just got choppy again.
    • One of the people Nog deals with is an unseen officer, Al Lorenzo, who likes to take pictures of himself sitting behind famous captains' desks (even Picard gets name-checked). As part of a trade, Nog loans out Sisko's desk to Lorenzo, and it goes missing while Sisko is away. O'Brien's attempt to simply replace the desk leave a lot to be desired.
      O'Brien: What do you think?
      Bashir: It's white.
      O'Brien: I know it's white, I'm gonna paint it.
      Bashir: It's the wrong shape, the wrong height, the wrong width. Other than that, it's perfect. The captain will never suspect you switched desks on him.
      O'Brien: Julian, I need help, not sarcasm.
      Bashir: I'm afraid Nog is the only one that can help you now.
      O'Brien: If he gets back to the station before the captain does.
      Bashir: Maybe he's not coming back. Maybe he's decided to make a run for it.
      (Kira enters and looks at the new desk)
      Kira: That isn't the captain's desk!
      Bashir: He's gonna paint it.
      Kira: Get it out of here!
  • Weyoun eating pepperoni pizza...with chopsticks.

Once More Unto The Breach

  • When Ezri suggests that Kira might make a good counselor, Kira acts out how a session might go.
    "You dreamed about what? You're crazy. Now get out of my office. Next patient."

The Siege Of AR-558

Covenant

It's Only A Paper Moon

  • Nog refuses to leave the holodeck after being shaken by his experience in "The Siege Of AR-558." During a meeting, the team discuss the ramifications of his behavior, when Quark just has to be Quark:
    Quark: And just who is going to pay for all this holodeck time?
    [everyone slowly looks at him]
    Sisko: And that's very generous of you, Quark!

Prodigal Daughter

  • A shipment of gagh arriving on DS9 during "Prodigal Daughter". Ordered by Jadzia before her death, Ezri experiences some rather nauseating memories of how different varieties taste...and wriggle.
    Ezri: I can remember what each one tastes like... and the way they... move when you swallow them. Torgud gagh wiggles. Filden gagh squirms. Meshta gagh jumps. [...] Bithool gagh has feet. (Beat) Flush it out the airlock—all of it.
    Odo: Mm-nn. Environmental regulations.
    Kira: Well, why don't you just give it to Martok?
    Ezri: (Wryly beams) He'd insist on sharing it with me, as a point of honor. (Beat) Wistan gagh is packed in targ blood.... (Beat) I have to go now.

The Emperor's New Cloak

  • In The Emperor's New Cloak, mirror-Garak is about to execute Quark, Rom and Zek. The trio then berate him for not being as competent and sophisticated as their Garak. An irritated and confused mirror-Garak then asks:
    mirror-Garak: I don't understand. Is this Garak of yours an assassin or a tailor?
    (all together)
    Quark: Assassin.
    Rom: Tailor.
    Zek: Both.

Field Of Fire

Chimera

Badda-Bing, Badda-Bang

Inter Arma Enim Silem Leges

Penumbra

Till Death Do Us Part

Strange Bedfellows

  • Weyoun threatening to turn Worf and Dax over to Damar if they do not respond to interrogation:
    Legate Damar: It is my duty to inform you that you will be turned over to a Cardassian tribunal, where you will be tried as war criminals.
    Ezri Dax: War criminals? What are the charges?
    Legate Damar: That is not necessary for you to know. All you need to know is that you will be found guilty and executed.
    • Damar's case of the giggles after Worf catches Weyoun off-guard and snaps his neck. (Jeffrey Combs has a wonderfully startled expression when this happens, while Damar busts out laughing.) This doesn't slow Weyoun down much, but he's miffed that Damar "finds the death of my predecessor so amusing."
      Damar: The execution is scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. Fourteen hundred hours.
      Weyoun: Have they agreed to co-operate?
      Damar: No. [beat as he tries and fails to keep a straight face] Maybe you should talk to Worf again!
    • Later in the same episode, as Weyoun frets about Ezri and Worf's escape and having to inform his Founder of this, Damar (who's feeling even less sympathy for him than for his predecessor) cheerfully remarks "I'm sure she'll understand... but if she doesn't, I look forward to meeting Weyoun 9."
    • Damar cheerfully greeting the replacement Weyoun with barely restrained delight at his predecessor's death:
      Damar: Well, helloooo!
    • It's also amusing when Weyoun remarks that Damar seems different, almost half-dressed, oh, that's it, he's not holding a bottle... only to commit the colossal blunder of misinterpreting Damar's new optimism to be due to the Dominion forces' recent victory, rather than his having determined this to be the ideal moment to back-stab them all (starting with Weyoun).

The Changing Face Of Evil

  • "The Changing Face of Evil" gives us Damar's apparent reasoning for attacking the Dominion cloning facility on Rondac III: That's where the new Weyouns come from.
    Weyoun: (terrified) I could be the last Weyoun.
    • Worf tells Ezri that Miles and Julian are children playing with their Alamo model. Then he stops mocking the idea in general and turns to the hopelessness of the task, saying that the Alamo needed more men. Ezri teases him by saying he should go down to "help" Miles and Julian. Shades of "the lady doth protest too much, methinks."

When It Rains...

  • Martok is inducted into the Order of Kahless with Sisko and Admiral Ross in attendance of the ceremony. It begins, as most Klingon ceremonies do, with Palm Bloodletting. Sisko and Ross watch Gowron then Martok slice their palms open, and Sisko says to Ross that they're next. It takes a moment to sink in for Ross, and when it does, the look on his face is priceless.
    • Cut to later, and their hands are now bandaged.
    Ross: It still stings.
    Sisko: That's what the bloodwine's for.

Tacking Into The Wind

  • A meta moment, but after Gowron's death was filmed, Robert O'Reilly was just left on the floor (since it's impossible for someone to get up while in full-Klingon dress and makeup), prompting him to remark "boy, once they kill you off, they forget all about you."
    • Also, Michael Dorn's reaction to learning he'd kill Gowron was to find O'Reilly and apologise.
  • Ezri and Worf trying to discuss Martok approving of Ezri as Jadzia's successor.
    Ezri: It's very sweet of him.
    Worf: Sweet?
    Ezri: Not a very Klingon word, is it?
    Worf: No.
    Ezri: It's very... honorable?
    Worf: Better... albeit a little obvious.

Extreme Measures

  • The scene in "Extreme Measures" when Julian is trying to convince Miles that he loves him more than Keiko.
    O'Brien: Julian, you are beginning to annoy me!
  • The look on Sisko's face and his little 'oh' when Bashir and O'Brien inform him that they're planning to obtain certain information through the use of illegal Romulan memory probes. You can just see him thinking, "This is going to be one of those plans."
  • Julian remarks that the liquor that he and O'Brien are going to celebrate with is older than he is. Miles barks "What?!" in disbelief, grabs the bottle, looks at it, sighs, and starts to pour saying "I'm drinking with a child!"

The Dogs Of War

What You Leave Behind

  • During the final party the O'Briens are discussing where to live when they move back to Earth. Various hometown suggestions are made. Worf keeps offering Minsk. Rule of Three applies and is used well.
    • Each repetition is more aggressive, to the point that the final 'Minsk' almost sounds like a threat.
  • Admiral Ross's reaction to the Cardassians switching sides upon having enough of their Dominion oppressors and thus winning them the battle by shifting it from a three-to-three to a four-to-two advantage.
    Admiral Ross: I never thought I'd say this, but thank God for the Cardassians.
  • Garak, Kira, and Damar are locked outside of Dominion headquarters. They underestimated the amount of explosive that they'd need to break in, so they're trapped. Leaving isn't an option and they're running out of time. Garak, then Kira, then Damar and the others laugh about the sheer irony that they can't sacrifice their lives in battle because the door is locked. All of them needed the catharsis after the weeks of oppression and hiding that they've been doing.
    Garak: (giggling) Here we are, ready to storm the castle, willing to sacrifice our lives in a noble effort to slay the Dominion beast in its lair! (one of Damar's lackeys starts to smile, Kira starts to laugh) We can't even get inside the gates!
    Kira: (giggling) Maybe, maybe we could go up to the door (makes a knocking gesture) and ask the Jem'Hadar to let us in!
    Damar: (finally smiles) Or just have them send the shapeshifter out to us! (everyone laughs)

    Unsorted 
  • In one episode, O'Brien has Quark put up a dartboard in the bar and Quark attempts a throw, unfortunately, not only does he throw all three at once, they all end up hitting Morn, who even gives a groan of pain as he pulls the darts out of his skin!
    • Gets a second joke when Worf arrives at the station. O'Brien cajoles Worf into taking a throw. He ends up throwing so hard that half the dart is buried in the board.
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Funny/StarTrekDeepspaceNine