Funny / Star Trek: Voyager

Season 1

• The very first episode gives us some of The Doctor's best lines.
  Doctor: (holds out hand expectantly) Tricorder. (Harry hands him the tricorder he has on hand and the Doctor gives it, then him a look) Medical tricorder!
  • Also from the pilot, Tom Paris trolling the resident Magical Native American during their escape from the Ocampa underground.
    Paris: Isn't there some Indian trick where you can turn yourself into a bird and fly us out of here?
    Chakotay: You're too heavy.
  • Tom Paris trying to order tomato soup from the replicator.
    Paris: "Tomato soup."
    Replicator: "There are fourteen varieties of tomato soup available from this replicator: with rice, with vegetables, Bolian style, with pasta, with—"
    Paris: "Plain."
    Replicator: "Specify hot or chilled."
    Paris: "Hot! (frustrated) Hot...plain...tomato soup!"
    • Then, after his soup arrives and he tastes it...
    Paris: "Ugh. Fourteen varieties and they can't even get plain tomato soup right!"
  • Quark trying to con Harry Kim, and then making a scene about being slurred at and insulted until Kim gives in and has to be saved by Paris.
• From "Parallax", when Kes goes to the Doctor for soil samples to start a garden to stretch Voyager's food supplies. The Doctor goes on a rant about how advanced he is all the information contained within him, concluding with "I am the embodiment of modern medicine." What he says next is even funnier considering long-term Trek fans are probably thinking "McCoy's gotta be in there somewhere!"
  Doctor: How much dirt do you need?
  Fans: There he is!
  • Over time, the EMH gets shorter and shorter due to a malfunction with his holographic projector. At first it's just 10 centimeters. Then, when Janeway video-calls him, she assumes the transmission is distorted only for the EMH to reveal that no, that's really what he looks like and he's only getting smaller in height, not exactly in width, while his voice gets more and more helium-like. By the end of the episode, he has blocky proportions and can fit entirely in a chair. And every time he asks to have his projector fixed, he just gets shrugged off with a "sorry, we're busy right now." All of this while, at most, being mildly annoyed about the problem. The cherry on top is Paris telling him he likes him better this way.
• Janeway and Paris first encounter with the charming boy Latika, from "Time and Again".
  Latika: Yeah, well I just talked to the transport attendant. He told me four people came today from Kalto. Two of them were a lot older than you, and they had a child with them.
  Janeway: Well, the attendant was wrong. That was us.
  Latika: So, where's the child?
  Paris: We ate him. Because we are demons and we eat children and I haven't had my supper yet.
  • And then there's Janeway's response, which is to give him an 'angry Mom glare.'
    Paris: Sorry. I just figured it was the quickest way.
• The bridge crew muting the EMH in "The Cloud".
  EMH: I'm curious Captain, exactly what are you looking for?
  Janeway: I need to know if we did serious harm to this life-form.
  EMH: Let's see, you ran your ship through it, fired phasers at it, and blew a hole in it with a photon torpedo. I'd say it's a pretty good chance that you did some fairly significant....
  Janeway: Computer: mute audio.
  • Followed up with the EMH pacing back and forth looking annoyed for a minute while the bridge crew discusses the situation, before finally waving his arms in order to get unmuted.
  • Earlier, Torres goes to the sickbay to get a second opinion about some readings from the EMH, upon which his snark and her standoffishness lead to what can only be described as a "sass-off." Their respective deliveries really sell the whole exchange.
    EMH: Please state the nature of the medical emergency.
    Torres: (startled) Why do you always have to say that?
    EMH: I can only speculate about my programmer's motives. Perhaps he thought I would be summoned for... important reasons?
    Torres: Under the circumstances, don't you think you ought to change your program?
    EMH: Now there's an interesting concept. A hologram that programs himself! Now what would I do with that ability? Create a family? Raise an army?
    Torres: I know a little about holographic programming. I could probably reprogram you!
    EMH: That makes me feel particularly confident.
    Torres: Has anyone ever told you you have a lousy attitude?
    EMH: If you don't like the Doctor's attitude, there's a man sitting at a console in the Jupiter Station Holo-Programming Center you can write to. His name is Zimmerman. He looks a lot like me, actually.
  • In two later seasons, the EMH would later lead a band of holographic Klingons in battle, and later create a holographic family, meaning he did in fact create a family and raise an army.
  • In the final season, the Doctor would join an army of holograms, most of who just want to be free, but others who want to hunt and kill their oppressors.
  • The recurring gag of Janeway's coffee addiction in the same episode.
    Janeway: There's coffee in that nebula!
  • Also, in lieu of coffee, Neelix attempts to serve Janeway his "even better than coffee substitute" (which has the viscosity of honey). When she gets a call from the bridge, Janeway takes the opportunity to leave without having to try it.
    Chakotay: (over the comm) Bridge to Captain Janeway.
    Janeway: I'm on my way!
    Chakotay: (once Janeway arrives on the bridge) There was no need for you to come to the bridge.
    Janeway: Yes, there was.
    • She also states, "I don't want something 'even better', I want coffee!".
  • Later, Janeway hustling Paris at pool.
  • When Janeway compares the situation to Jonah in the whale's stomach, Neelix remarks confusedly, "Jonah?! Whale?!".
  • Early on, Kim makes an I've Never Seen Anything Like This Before statement regarding an unusual nebula while on the Bridge, causing Tuvok to comm him to tell him that statements like that make the junior officers nervous. Later the crew is trying to identify a barrier, which Tuvok admits he is unable to identify.
    Kim: Kim to Tuvok. In other words, you've never seen anything like it. Oh, I promise not to tell the junior officers.
  • In the same episode, Neelix calling the nebula-creature a "monster".
• When Seska is revealed to have been a Cardassian spy in "State of Flux", Chakotay laments to Tuvok (who had also been a spy on his ship, for the Federation), "Was anyone on that ship working for me?"
  • Later in the episode Chakotay is further annoyed at Tuvok's behaviour while he was with the Maquis:
  Chakotay: Can I ask you to be honest with me, Lieutenant?
  Tuvok: As a Vulcan, I am at all times honest, Commander.
  Chakotay: That's not exactly true. You lied to me when you passed yourself off as a Maquis to get on my crew.
  Tuvok: I was honest to my own convictions within the defined parameters of my mission. Now, how may I be honest with you today?
• Chakotay gets in a good one-liner towards Tuvok in "Heroes and Demons":
  Tuvok: You'll notice there are no demons in Vulcan literature.
  Chakotay: (with a smile) That must account for its popularity.
• In "Cathexis", the Doctor finds Torres attaching magnetized stones to a picture made of animal skin. She explains that it's Chakotay's medicine wheel, part of a spiritual healing ritual to his tribe, and that it's to help his soul find its way home... at which the Doctor explains that he knows all about it, as it's included in his medical database, and points out that she's arranged the stones incorrectly.
  Doctor: You've placed the Coyote Stone at the crossroads of the fifth and sixth realms, which would divert Commander Chakotay's soul, that is his consciousness, into the Mountains of the Antelope Women. According to his tradition, an extremely attractive locale. He might not want to leave.
  • In response, Torres quickly removes the stone.
• "Learning Curve" gave us the immortal line, "Get the cheese to sickbay!"
  • From the same episode, the Doctor eventually gets the idea to deal with the infection like a human body would: roast it with a fever. After dialing up the heat on the ship to cleanse the gel-packs, he proudly announces success. Then the camera pans over to Kes, who is dripping with sweat while the holo-Doc is no worse for wear.
  • Also featured are four Maquis who won't accept Tuvok training them in Starfleet procedures, telling Chakotay that they'd rather keep doing things the Maquis way. So what does Chakotay do? He sucker-punches the ringleader, since that's the Maquis way, and tells them that they'll keep doing things the Maquis way until they get with the program.
• In "The Phage" a Vidiian doctor is scanning the crew, but stops when he reaches the Emergency Medical Hologram.
  Vidiian: Strange. According to my readings, you are not here.
  EMH: Believe me, I wish I weren't.
  • After Neelix's lungs are stolen by the Vidiians, the Doctor decides to temporarily replace the missing organs with holographic recreations. Paris protests that this wouldn't work since holograms are intangible. The Doctor responds by slapping him.
  • While you can't help but pity Neelix for being forced to lay facing the ceiling for who-knows-how-long, it is quite funny how he calls the ceiling "hideous" (prompting the Doctor to remind him that he isn't a decorator) and says that the itch on his forehead is "urgent".
  • The Doctor lampshades the absurdity of making the ship's pilot help out in Sickbay.
    EMH: The man drives a 700,000 tonne starship, so somebody thinks he'd make a good medic.

Season 2

• The opening to "The 37's" gives us one of Starfleet's strangest encounters. Voyager discovers an ancient Earth vehicle (a farmer's truck) floating in space.
  • Everyone panicking when Tom manages to start the truck's engine and it backfires. Everyone except Tuvok scatters, and we get a shot of him wildly aiming his phaser at nothing while everyone else - including Janeway - timidly peeks out from behind cargo containers.
  • Torres literally not being able to identify crap. With a Tricorder in hand. Meanwhile, Janeway not only identifies it as manure but somehow, she is able to tell it is horse manure simply by smelling it - to which Tuvok and Torres share weirded out glances.
  • This exchange:
    Paris: Captain, I should tell you, I've never actually landed a starship before.
    Janeway: That's all right, Lieutenant. Neither have I.
• "Projections" has several, especially:
  Doctor: Computer, delete Paris.
  • Neelix tossing random objects at a Kazon while taunting it, which made the fight look extremely silly.
    • After that fight, he mistakes some red sauce on his shirt for blood and freaks out.
      Neelix: "Am I going to die?!"
      Doctor: "Not unless you have allergies-that isn't blood; it's some kind of sauce."
  • There's also a callback to the "Tricorder. Medical tricorder!" bit from the pilot. It's still funny.
  • Barclay is revealed to have been responsible for testing the Doctor's social skills.
• "Elogium" has decidedly the strangest sentence any Vulcan has ever spoken:
  Tuvok: It appears we have lost our sex appeal, Captain.
  • It is impossible to tell if it's Janeway or if it's Kate Mulgrew who almost corpses. ^note  The reason why Tuvok said it was because some creatures wanted to mate with Voyager, mistaking it to be one of them, then they lose interest.
• In "Parturition," Tom is in a bad mood, and demands that Kim play him appropriately sad music on his clarinet. Kim sits on the couch next to Tom, leans in, and plays a cheerful tune instead.
  • Tom tells Kim what's wrong. Kim isn't impressed, at least not at first:
    Tom: Aaww, Harry... I'm in trouble.
    Kim: What's new?
    Tom: I think I'm in love.
    Kim: What's new?
    Tom: With Kes.
    Kim: Kes?
  • Tom and Harry try to walk past Kes in the mess hall without letting on that anything is wrong. By giving her a over-the-top wave with forced, cringing smiles.
  • Kes starts getting frustrated with the rivalry between Tom and Neelix for her affections (which is mostly one-sided on Neelix's part, as Tom is attracted to her, but is respectful that she's in a relationship) and complains to the Doctor.
  Kes: On my homeworld, it's so much simpler. You choose a mate for life; there's no distrust, no jealousy, no envy, no betrayal...
  The Doctor: Hm. Your homeworld must have very dry literature.
  • Tom and Neelix ending up in a hilariously childish food fight, and then they get called into Janeway's ready room, with hair pasta all over their uniforms.
• There's just something about a foot-tall Doctor in "Persistence Of Vision" ordering Janeway to go have some fun in the Holodeck.
  Janeway: It's... been a while. I have a holonovel program that helps me unwind. Haven't had time to run it for a few weeks.
  The Doctor: Well I want you to. Now.
  Janeway: Doctor, I'm really very busy.
  The Doctor: I've checked Starfleet regulations. The chief medical officer outranks the captain in health matters. Now, I realise this may be the first time a hologram has given an order to a captain, but... I'm ordering you to report to the Holodeck. Now.
  Janeway: ...aye, sir.
  [The doctor then glares at Torres and Kim, who had tried transferring him to Engineering; the reason why he was lacking in size]
  The Doctor: ...and the two of you can get busy undoing this ridiculous blunder of yours!!
• Although "Threshold" is best served as Drinking Game fodder instead of an actual episode, there are a few INTENTIONALLY funny remarks from the Doctor.
  • After his shuttle trip, Tom is passed out on one of the Sickbay biobeds. Janeway asked if Tom can be woken up.
    Doctor: I don't see why not. (leans in close to Tom's ear) WAKE UP, LIEUTENANT! (Tom jolts awake)
  • Later, after Tom is brought back after collapsing in the Mess Hall, the Doctor asks what Tom ingested.
    B'Elanna: Just a cup of Neelix's coffee.
    Doctor: It's a miracle he's still alive...
  • As he lies mutating in Sickbay, Paris rambles on half-delirious about weird stuff, like his bedroom back home.
    Paris: I lost my virginity in that room. Seventeen. Parents were away for the weekend.
    Doctor: I'll note that in your medical file.
  • Tom imagines "beloved mutant" being on his gravestone. And after the Doctor tries to treat him with Techno Babble radiation, Tom amends it to "beloved radioactive mutant".
  • Tom and Janeway have lizard babies when they are mutated. Followed by the most awkward "morning after" conversation when they get restored.
  • Chakotay summing up this whole adventure:
    Chakotay: I don't know how I'm going to enter this into the log.
    Tuvok: I look forward to reading it.
• It was probably meant as a dramatic moment, but the scene where Tuvok choked Neelix to death left many viewers either cheering or laughing. Then it turned out that it was just a holodeck simulation.
  • The underlying implication of the scene is that Tuvok considers simply spending a few minutes with Neelix to be the situation most likely to send him into murderous rage.
    • Not that anybody really needed to be reminded. It was clear from when he first met him that Tuvok found everything about Neelix to be irritating. It just hadn't ever sent him into a murderous rage before.
  • Same episode, but before Tuvok went crazy: Neelix wants to celebrate the Vulcan festival where people chase each other naked. However, Tuvok points out that it hasn't been celebrated in over a millennium.
• In "Death Wish," a Q wants the right to die, and our old friend Q shows up, pushing them into a trial for his right to make that choice. Q calls forth character witnesses about the importance of this one Q to show that he should not end his existence, Isaac Newton, Maury Ginsberg, and Commander William Riker. The last knows and understands what's happening. When Janeway tries to explain to the others...
  Janeway: Consider for a moment that it might be possible to travel forward in time, say to the twenty-fourth century, onto a starship seventy thousand light years from Earth...
  (blank looks from Newton and Ginsberg)
  Janeway: (beat) You're having a very strange dream...
  • When "Normal" Q first arrives on the scene.
    Q: (looks around and realizes there aren't any men on the bridge) Is this a ship of the Valkyries? Or have you Earth women finally done away with your men?
  • Janeway's rather EPIC stink-eye after Q cracks a sexist remark about her. She is very much NOT amused and has NO patience for him. Sadly, this only seems to spur him on...
  • Behold, Q facepalming in all of his unbridled glory
• The Doctor goes to Tom Paris for advice after Denara Pel turns him down for a date.
  Doctor: Mr. Paris, I assume you have a great deal of experience being rejected by women.
  • And why did Denara Pel turn him down? Because this was his pickup line:
    Doctor (in the middle of surgery): By the way, Denara, I've been meaning to tell you, I'm romantically attracted to you and wanted to know if you felt the same way.
• "Investigations" begins with Neelix telling asking the Doctor to be on his new show, telling him that he'd be a big hit. On the one hand, this is hilarious on a meta level, since it's the role Robert Picardo wanted telling Picardo in the role he got what a big hit he's going to be. However, it's also funny given how the crew responds to the Doctor's anatomical presentations.
• "Deadlock" gives Janeway the chance to sum up the entire franchise in one line after Harry Kim muses on how weird their latest adventure was:
  Janeway: We're Starfleet officers. "Weird" is part of the job.
• Tuvok having to deal with the antics of the Drayan children Elani, Corin and Tressa in "Innocence". For someone who happens to have kids himself, they sure gave him the runaround for a while.
  Corin: But I want to sit next to you!
  Tuvok: (silently points a finger at the boy to be quiet)
• Every time the Doctor enters the simulated world of the Clown in "The Thaw." The Clown has set up a freewheeling, party atmosphere and every time the Doctor appears, he just stops the festivities cold.
  • When Harry Kim is trying to figure out what the Clown is.
    Harry: "Are you a...life form? Or perhaps some sort of computer virus that penetrated the system?"
    The Clown and His Whole Circus: (burst out laughing, then sing in a mocking voice) "A virus, a virus. He thinks I am a virus. He thinks I am a virus!"
    The Clown: (solo, speaking) "Well, maybe I'll be a virus today." (sneezes)
  • Even though Harry Kim's situation was definitely Nightmare Fuel, there was some humour in this scene.
    The Clown: "Thinking about escape, are we, Harry? Naughty, naughty. I don't like those thoughts. We're going to have to do something about them."
    Woman: "He's new. He can't help but think about getting out."
    The Clown: "He can! You don't think about it anymore. Oh, but he's new and you're old. New and old. Old and new. Well, the answer is to simply make you old, Harry. (Harry is now an old man) Are you afraid of growing old, Harry, is that what you fear? Being cared for by nurses?"
    Short Lady: "Time for your medicine."
    The Clown: "You don't like being helpless, do you, Harry? You like to take care of yourself. Yes, I know you hate to feel like the baby of the crew. (Harry turns into a baby, still in uniform which is funny in itself, and cries, the Clown picks him up) Oh, what's the matter, Harry? Oh, does my costume frighten you, huh? Kootchy-coo. Yeah. Oh, look at little Harry fly. Woo! Woo! There he goes. Woo! Whee! All right, that's enough." (puts Harry down, Harry turns back to normal)
• The source of the former page image: During Voyager's battle with the Kazon in "Basics Pt. 1", the crew try to fool the attacking ships with some holographic ships. Unfortunately, when they initiate the program, something gets mixed up somewhere and the system ends up projecting the Doctor into space, leaving him flailing outside the ship as the battle ensues and yelling "MAN OVERBOOOOOOOARD!!!" What's the first thing he says once B'Elanna transfers him back to sickbay?
  Doctor: I told you, we should have run one last systems check.
  • Even better is that the Doctor, upon returning, is not so much "scared out of his wits" as he is "HARUMPH." Odo would be proud.
• In "Tuvix", Tuvix asserting his authority when hustling everyone out of the kitchen:
  Tuvix: Chief of security or head chef. Take your pick!
  • Tuvix, in the briefing, has an epiphany that what caused his merging is similar to reproduction. However, upon realising this, he exclaims, "Sex!". He then promptly apologises and explains.

Season 3

• In "Basics Pt. 2", most of the crew has been dumped onto a Stone Age planet. Chakotay says this as they're trying to start a fire:
  "Trapped on a barren planet, and you're stuck with the only Indian in the galaxy that can't make fire by rubbing two sticks together."
• "Flashback":
  • In one memory, Tuvok is preparing tea for Captain Sulu.
    Janeway: [as if hurt] You've never brought me tea.
  • Tuvok and Janeway ambush memory!Rand and knock her out with the nerve pinch. As they are removing her uniform to disguise Janeway:
    Janeway: We could've just asked her.
    Tuvok: Asking female officers for their clothing could lead to misunderstandings.
    This is followed by a scene of Janeway on the bridge wearing Rand's obviously ill-fitting uniform.
  • Fridge Logic: It's a good thing this is all in Tuvok's head, or Rand might have had to explain how she wound up stuffed in a closet in her underwear. Also, if you recall how much trouble the poor woman got into in the original series as the designated perpetual Damsel in Distress, you can't help but feel for her.
  • From the same episode, when Rand says that it's time to "defend the Federation from gaseous anomalies", a background character can be heard chuckling.
• In "The Swarm", the Doctor is breaking down. The diagnostic program is another hologram that looks like Zimmerman, and at one point, when giving an example of the useless stuff cluttering the EMH's personality subroutines, he taps a key. On cue, the Doctor starts singing an aria from an opera. The diagnostic hologram taps another key to turn it off.
  • At the beginning, the Doctor arguing with an arrogant, grumpy, dramatic holographic opera singer.
  • When the Doctor, suffering from amnesia, is told he doesn't have a name.
    EMH: "No name?! That's ridiculous! I... my.... I demand that you tell me my name!"
• The episode "False Profits" is full of laughs (thanks mostly to the Ferengi Arridor and Kol). One moment that really stands out would be near the end of the episode. When it looks like the two Ferengi and Neelix (who was disguised as a Ferengi at the time in order to try and get the two to leave the planet) are about to be burned at the stake as the jubiliant and enthusiastic (but horribly misguided) locals attempt to send them back up to their home in the sky "on wings of flame" in the words of the ancient prophecies they're following.
  Kol: Arridor?
  Arridor: What is it now?!
  Kol: We had seven years of pure profit.
  Arridor: (smiles) We did, didn't we?
  Neelix: (Gives them both a look of pure confusion and disgust)
  • When a man says that he needs some money for his family because his wife is ill and he has six kids, the youngest of which is a baby, one of the Ferengi says, "That's seven employees! Eight if you count the infant!".
  • One of the rules for the religion the Ferengi made was that you have to wear fake Ferengi ears on your clothes.
• Near the beginning of the "Future's End" two parter Janeway and Chakotay discuss what their ancient relatives were up to during the time period. During the conversation, Chakotay makes a comment that simply can't be approved under Starfleet regulations towards a ship's captain.
  Janeway: (a random woman on skates bumps into the pair and apologizes before she skates away) For all I know, she might be my great-great-great-great grandmother.
  Chakotay: (smiles mischievously) She does have your legs.
  • Janeway's reference to Spock's famous "Bone knives and bear skins" line.
  • Tom has the pleasure of using the last line of the two parter to deliver a 20th century insult (which he picked up from Rain) to Tuvok.
    Tom: (totally deadpan) You know what Tuvok, you're a real freakasaurus.
  • And speaking of Tuvok, after he and the others beam down in period clothes and see what everyone else is wearing:
    "We could have worn our Starfleet uniforms. I doubt if anyone would have noticed."
  • Henry Sterling's last words:
    "Uh-oh!"
    • To clarify, this is the man who captured a time traveling ship after it fell to Earth in the 1970s, and has been a real Jerkass for the two part series. Eventually, after some on-the-fly repairs to the torpedo tubes, Voyager just barely manages to fire off a single torpedo at him as he is attempting to travel to the future—which is quite sufficient to obliterate him, however.
  • When one of the villains says, "God help us!", the Doctor points out that divine intervention is unlikely.
• "The Q and the Grey":
  • Janeway saying that the reason why Q wants to mate with her was because "no other female in the universe would have [him]".
  • Q mistaking Chakotay for Janeway's boyfriend.
    Q: "Is it the tattoo? (makes a huge tattoo appear on his face) 'Cause mine's bigger!"
  • The first appearance of the female Q (and the glorious return of Suzie Plakson, a fan favorite from her time on TNG as K'Ehleyr)
    Female Q: What are you doing with that dog?
    (Janeway and Q both look at the puppy Q was courting Janeway with)
    Female Q: I'm not talking about the puppy.
    (A truly offended Jaw Drop from Q, followed by Janeway a few seconds later)
  • And naturally, a bit of Actor Allusion in one of the Female Q's lines to Torres:
    Female Q: I've always liked Klingon females. You've got such... spunk.
  • When Q and the female Q decide to have a baby:
    Q: So, darling, have you given any thought as to how we might accomplish this historic act of procreation?
    Female Q: [lusty grin] I've thought of nothing else since you suggested it. [whispers in his ear]
    Q: Oh. Oh! Oh! I love it when you talk dirty.
    Janeway: Why don't I give you two some privacy?
    Q: Oh, Kathy, don't you like to watch?
    [they touch fingers, there's some glowing, and then they look like they've just had orgasms]
    Q: I was good, wasn't I?
    Female Q: Very good.
    Janeway: That was it?
    Q: You had your chance. Don't go crying about it now.
  • The baby Q is wearing a little Starfleet uniform.
• "Alter Ego":
  • Harry Kim gets a crush on a holodeck character and wants to deal with it by suppressing his emotions like a Vulcan.
  • Tuvok doesn't want a lei at the luau and keeps taking them off.
  • Harry introducing Tuvok to Marayna, answering her simultaneously.
    Marayna: Are you two friends?
    Harry: Yes.
    Tuvok: No.
• "Blood Fever." In the middle of an away mission, right before Tom and Neelix realize that something is seriously wrong with B'elanna, she just seems uncharacteristically hurried. Tom comments on it, leading to this great exchange where Tom Paris continues to be the biggest bro in Starfleet.
  B'elanna: I just don't see any point in wasting time. Unless of course, you want to stall to put off demonstrating your climbing expertise.
  Tom (looking offended): ...grab your gear. And try to keep up.
  • After B'Elanna is infected with Vorik's Pon Farr, Paris is informed that he needs to have sex with her to keep her from going insane and dying (and at this point they're not yet a couple) and all but ordered to do so. The expression on his face (kind of a combination between "Man, all that holding her off was for nothing!" and "Well, okay then!") is priceless.
  • And their encounter at the end:
    Paris: You're afraid that your big, scary Klingon side might have been showing. Well, I saw it up close and you know, it wasn't so terrible. In fact, I wouldn't mind seeing it again someday.
    B'Elanna: Careful what you wish for, Lieutenant.
  • When Tom asks Tuvok, "So, you have had to put up with this every seven years of your adult life?!", Tuvok tells him to focus on Lt. Torres.
• Several moments from "Before and After" such as Doc's inability to choose and keep a name (Dr. Van Gogh in one time period, Dr. Mozart in another). Then we get these hilarious lines:
  Harry: So how does it feel to be a grandfather?
  Tom: A lot better than it does to have you for a son-in-law.
  • When Kes says, "You must be B'Elanna", B'Elanna laughs and replies, "Last time I checked."
• "Displaced."
  • B'Elanna interrogates Kim on whether or not she's "hostile"...
    B'Elanna: You don't think I'm hostile, do you?
    Kim: (backing away slowly) Uh... no?
    B'Elanna: I speak my mind, I'm forthright, but that's different from hostile.
    Kim: (cowering) Very different.
    B'Elanna: I'm forthright, I speak my mind, but that shouldn't be construed. As. Hostile. ... And if someone were to say I was hostile, they'd be way off base. Right?!
    Kim: Oh, absolutely.
    B'Elanna: Then how come you look like you're afraid for your life?
  • Chakotay and some Ensign are the only two members of the Voyager crew left on the Bridge...
    Chakotay: So, how do you like your first day as chief of security, Ensign?
    Ensign: It's everything I dreamed it would be, sir.
  • Tom and B'Elanna have to hide in an artificial winter landscape from the Nyrians, and while Tom handles the cold reasonably well, for B'Elanna, it's torture. So we get this exchange:
    Tom: I would've thought all that hot Klingon blood would've kept you warm.
    B'Elanna (shivering): Shows how little you know about Klingons. They have much less tolerance for the cold than humans do.
    Tom: Really? I thought that was Cardassians.
    B'Elanna: No, they just complain about it more.
    • The Doctor tries to interject into Tom and B'Elanna's argument, so B'Elanna grabs his mobile emitter, turns off his voice and keeps arguing. Cruel, but hilarious.
    • After they finish arguing, the Doctor comes back in frame and pointedly holds out his arm with the emitter towards Torres, while delivering a withering glare before the scene cuts away.
    • Note that all of the "hostility" business began at the start of the episode, where Tom and B'Elanna exit the holodeck, and B'Elanna is holding a bat'leth, arguing with Tom that she IS NOT HOSTILE!
  • The ending of the episode. Janeway, knowing the aliens that have displaced her crew can't stand cold, transports them into the coldest habitat, the same one that they put Tom and B'Elanna in. She then gives them a speech about how she's taken control of their translocator device and every time says "translocator," she says it with a certain inflection that makes it clear just how unimpressed with them she is. She then gives them a choice to either release everyone else they've captured or she'll transport the remainder of their people into there and leave them there. When they refuse, she backs away and calmly starts calling for a beam-out before finally stopping after a bit of begging from them.
• "Scorpion":
  • If you can get past the Nightmare Fuel that is two Borg cubes getting one-shot KO'ed by Species 8472 at the start of 'Scorpion,' the fact that they don't even get to their Catchphrase of "Resistance is futile" (thus showing resistance is anything but) can be pretty humorous, and, based on that situation, you really need all the laughs you can get.
  • After being nearly run over by a fleeing Borg armada, one cube stays behind to scan Voyager to make sure they're not Species 8472. As the scanning beam passes through everyone on the bridge, all Janeway can do it mutter, "think good thoughts" in a darkly sarcastic tone.
• In "Distant Origin", the two Voth scientists observing the Voyager crew and commenting on this like they were something in between animal behaviorists and anthropologists.
  • The fact that many of their hypotheses are almost hilariously wrong.

Season 4

• In "The Gift", Harry says, "So, the Borg meet a lot of people, don't they?", then mutters under his breath, "Stupid question".
• In "Revulsion":
  • Tom and Harry hosting The Roast for Tuvok's promotion party, telling everyone about one of the many pranks they've played on him (messing with his console so it would keep saying, "Live long and prosper"). And then there's Tuvok's acceptance speech.
    "Had I known this commendation entailed ritual humiliation, I might have declined. However, I accept it with gratitude and will honor the responsibility that comes with it. During my three years on Voyager I have grown to respect a great many of you." (looks straight at Tom and Harry) "Others, I have learned to tolerate. As your tactical officer, I will continue to do my best to ensure a safe passage home. As a Vulcan, I share the following sentiment: live long and prosper."
  • Seven trying to seduce poor Harry in her usual blunt way, forcing him to confront his inarticulate crush on her.
    Kim: I don't know what you're talking about.
    Seven: Obviously you've suggested a visit to the holodeck in the hopes of creating a romantic mood. Are you in love with me, Ensign?
    Kim: Well, no.
    Seven: Then you wish to copulate?
    Kim: No! I mean, I, I don't know what I mean.
    Seven: All of these elaborate rituals of deception. I didn't realize becoming human again would be such a challenge. Sexuality is particularly complex. As Borg we had no need for seduction, no time for single cell fertilization. We saw a species we wanted and we assimilated it. Nevertheless, I am willing to explore my humanity. Take off your clothes.
    Kim: Er, Seven.
    Seven: Don't be alarmed. I won't hurt you.
  • Bonus points for Seven pulling off My Sensors Indicate You Want To Tap Me (She can tell by things like his pupils dilating that he has a crush on her).
  • Seven gets in some good lines even before the "take off your clothes" spiel — when asked what her likes and dislikes are, she replies, "I dislike irrelevant conversations", and when asked what she does in her spare time, she replies, "I contemplate my existence".
• In the otherwise creepy episode "Scientific Method" we have:
  • Tom and B'Elanna passionately making out at a semi-secluded engineering workstation. B'Elanna says she feels like she's being watched, Tom says she's paranoid, and back in the teaser this was because the alien scientists were monitoring them. This time it's because Tuvok has arrived.
  • Janeway is frustrated with all the fooling around on the ship, and tells Tuvok to straighten everyone up. His response?
    Tuvok: Shall I flog them as well?
  • After Chakotay is prematurely aged and Neelix is turned into a Myleean (dialated pupils, fused spinal column) they sit on a biobed and try to one-up each other with complaints like a pair of old men.
  • Janeway's facial expressions as the Doctor gives her an overly vigorous massage.
    EMH: You work absurdly long hours under constant stress, eating on the run, without sufficient exercise or rest. Your body is crying out for mercy.
    (Works his elbow into Janeway's back, which gives a Sickening "Crunch!")
    Janeway: It certainly is right now!
  • After the Doctor has finished reprimanding Janeway, she receives a call to the bridge and heads there. As the Doctor calls out to the Captain, Janeway preempts the Doctor's objections about her long work hours. The Doctor says he was going to recommend a change of attire. Janeway, already halfway out the door, looks down, realizes she's still wearing a towel from the massage, and heads back into her quarters to change.
  • Janeway's Spaceship Slingshot Stunt is a Moment of Awesome, but Tuvok is sure to point out that it's "a far more reckless course of action than I've come to expect from you." And then we get this exchange afterwards.
    Janeway: I never realized you thought of me as reckless, Tuvok.
    Tuvok: A poor choice of words. It was clearly an understatement.
• "Year of Hell, Part 1":
  • It's darkly funny, but Seven comes as close to panic as she's probably capable of after finding a live torpedo still lodged in Voyager's hull.
    Tuvok: Do not attempt to defuse it yourself. Wait for me to arrive.
    Seven: Arrive quickly.
  • Janeway remarks that she's made it a goal in life to avoid time travel. Considering that there's at least one time travel-focused episode each season (including two just after Voyager wound up in the DQ), one can almost hear the laughter of the audience, rippling through the time-space continuum.
• "Mortal Coil":
  • One of the few funny moments in this otherwise morbid episode - Neelix casually brings up the Kazon in a conversation with Seven of Nine, who reveals that the Kazon were rejected for assimilation by the Borg because they would have "detracted from perfection." Burn!!!
    • Even Neelix, who remembers the Kazon, concedes that Seven makes a good point.
  • Even better is the Prixin party. A couple of highlights:
    • Tuvok is asked to give an introduction, which features a lengthy recitation of family members...
      Tuvok: We do not stand alone. We are in the arms of family. Father, mother, sister, brother. Father's father, father's mother, father's brother, mother's brother... ... (everyone, including Tuvok himself, is becoming restless) Suffice to say, the list is extensive.
    • Samantha Wildman talks to the Doctor about raising Naomi, and Seven attempts idle party conversation thusly:
      Seven: Children assimilated by the Borg are placed in maturation chambers for seventeen cycles.
      Wildman (obviously Squicked out): .....interesting. Well, if you'll excuse me, I need to go talk to Neelix. (hastily leaves)
      Doctor: In these... maturation chambers, the development of conversational skills is, I suppose, a low priority?
  • Although the vision quest was pretty scary, it had some amusing moments, such as the dead sister dancing with Janeway (who calls her charming despite acknowledging the fact that she's dead) and saying, "Scared you!" in Naomi's voice, and Neelix replying "Maybe later" to Seven of Nine saying, "You will be assimilated" to him.
• "Waking Moments" has Janeway, B'Elanna and Tuvok dealing with a warp core breach. As they go to escape, Janeway has a "Eureka!" Moment and heads back to the core. When it explodes, B'Elanna and Tuvok reopen the door... to find Janeway approaching them. Her deadpan response "Either I've become impervious to antimatter explosions or we're still dreaming" sells it.
  • Neelix being so out of it from his nightmare that he gives Tom Paris a cup of cooking oil instead of coffee.
  • Tuvok's nightmare involves forgetting to put any clothes on. When he is telling it to Janeway, he mentions that the alien that appeared in everyone's nightmares was watching him get dressed, Captain Janeway says, "Getting dressed?! I don't suppose I should ask why you were undressed?" Tuvok says he'd prefer she didn't.
  • Harry's nightmare involves kissing Seven of Nine, so he feels awkward explaining it in her presence.
• "Message in a Bottle". Take any pick of EMH Mk II and the Doctor's interaction, especially the one when they talk about sex, and Mk II's lament.
  • Don't forget this one.
    Computer: Specify attack pattern.
    Mark I: Attack pattern... (thinks for a sec)... Alpha?
    Computer: Specify target.
    Both EMHs: ROMULANS!
  • Yep, and these:
    Mark I: Stop breathing down my neck!
    Mark II: My breathing is merely a simulation.
    Mark I: So's my neck, stop it anyway!
    
    Mark I: You hit the wrong ship!
    Mark II: It wasn't my fault!
    Mark I: WELL, WHOSE FAULT WAS IT THEN, THE TORPEDO'S? You're supposed to tell it what to do!
    
    Mark II: What are they doing?!
    Mark I: Firing on us!
    Mark II: They must think there are Romulans on board!
    Mark I: THEY'RE RIGHT!!

    Mark I: We've got to find a way to turn this ship around.
    Mark II: How? Waltz on to the bridge and take over the helm?
    Mark I: Refresh my memory. Which of us has the terrible bedside manner?
    Mark II: You're not my patient.
    Mark I: My first bit of good news.
  • The same episode also gave us Seven knocking a Hirogen unconscious with an electrical shock. She explains:
    Seven: He was not responding to diplomacy.
  • At Tom's behest, Harry attempts to create a replacement EMH. Having no ability to interact with people or self-awareness or any knowledge except the medical texts Harry programmed into it, it begins reciting Grey's Anatomy. Tom and Harry arguing and trying to get it to shut up while it drones on and on about cells is pricelss.
• In "The Killing Game: Part 2", EMH to Neelix when they're being dragged into a battle by Klingons: "You heard the man, run along. I'll reattach any severed limbs, just don't misplace them." Then the Doc gets dragged along with them.
  Holo Klingon: Qapla!
  Neelix: ...Qapla...
  Doc: (waving a knife) Tally-ho.
  • Later the two are monitoring the Sainte Claire situation, noting fighting is picking up again and the Nazis are winning. He then notes that Klingons are some of the best warriors in the galaxy and has Neelix go persuade them to join the fight. At first, Neelix asks politely for their attention, but when they just ignore him, the Doctor admonishes him, "These are Klingons, not kittens!" Neelix then marches up, grabs the hunk of meat one of them is eating and throws it into the camp fire, shouting, "You will listen!" The Klingons stare up at him like they've never seen anything like him before.
• In "The Omega Directive," when Seven of Nine is put in charge of a project and proceeds to give everyone Borg designations.
  Seven: Six of Ten, this is not your assignment.
  Kim: Please, stop calling me that.
  Seven: You are compromising our productivity. I am reassigning you to chamber maintenance. Your new designation is Two of Ten.
  Kim: Wait a minute, you're demoting me? Since when did the Borg pull rank?
  Seven: It's Starfleet Protocol I adapted. I find it most useful.
  • Seven describes the one occasion that the Borg actually did "stabilize" a molecule of Omega. It was stable for one trillionth of a nanosecond.
• Janeway's admission of the importance of coffee in "Hunters."
  Janeway: I beat the Borg with it.
• In "Prey", Seven and the Doctor's social interactions exercises.
  • Seven reads off a series of phrases that the Doctor taught himself, but doesn't find them relevant to her situation...
  Seven: (rote and stiff) Please remain still so that I can treat your injuries. Thank you. I'm sorry, did that hurt? I'll try to be more careful. Thanks for being a patient patient. Have a pleasant afternoon. ... (normal voice) This is absurd.
  • The Doctor convinces her to move on to another exercise...
    Seven: (reading dialogue) Thank you. Did I mention you look lovely today?
    Doctor: Oh, doctor, you're so charming.
    Seven: This lesson is terminated. (starts to walk off)
• It's not often that Tuvok gets to make a Spock-worthy dry quip, but when he gets the chance in "Unforgettable"...
  Chakotay: Basically, she was a security operative for her people. She's a trained expert in weaponry, surveillance, fighting skills. Any idea where she might fit in?
  Tuvok: Mister Neelix could use an assistant in the mess hall.
  Chakotay: Tuvok, that was a joke. Don't deny it. You were trying to be funny.
  Tuvok: If you choose to interpret my remark as humorous, that is your decision.
  Chakotay: I do, and it was.
  Tuvok: It's perfectly logical. All the qualities you mentioned would help in defending Neelix against the periodic wrath of the crew.
  Chakotay: Maybe so.
• In "Living Witness", seeing the hilariously historically inaccurate simulation of the "Warship Voyager". Seeing Janeway using Borg drones to defend the ship may elicit laughter from the viewer.
  • On initial viewing, the opening line from Janeway is certain to elicit befuddled responses. On the other hand, in repeat viewings, knowing that this is all a wildly inaccurate simulation, it can be hilarious.
  Janeway: When diplomacy fails there's only one alternative. Violence. Force must be applied without apology. It's the Starfleet way.
  • It gets even more hilarious when one is familiar with the running gag from SF Debris of treating Janeway as a diabolically insane mad scientist super villain out for universal domination, meaning fitting in perfectly with the Janeway of the Warship Voyager.
  • The fact that Harry Kim of all people is depicted as a monstrous thug who delights in beating the absolute piss out of innocent hostages — yet proves to be a wuss when he hurts himself more than his victim.
• In "Hope and Fear", the crew receives a message from Admiral Hayes, whom Janeway describes during a briefing as being a "Good man, fine officer, bit of a windbag." Later, she and Seven of Nine discover that there may be more to the message.
  Seven: Perhaps it is an addendum from the admiral. You did designate him a windbag.

Season 5

• In "Night", Seven of Nine discusses meditation with Tuvok. She asks if it rejuvenates him, and he says that it does. She suggests that he try Borg regeneration, that only a simple cortical implant would be required.
  Tuvok: Another time, perhaps.
  • Before that, Tuvok explains why he's meditating in the astrometrics lab to begin with:
  Tuvok: Needless to say, the view from my quarters has been less than stellar lately.
  • Tom tries to get Seven involved in his Captain Proton simulation. He opts to give her the role of Constance Goodheart, Captain Proton's secretary. When faced with Satan's Robot, the scripted response from Constance is to scream. A lot. Seven marches up to it and rips out its wiring, shutting it down.
    Satan's Robot: Citizen of Earth! Surrender! Do not resist!
    Seven: I am Borg. (nonchalantly opens its chest panel and rips out its wiring)
    Satan's Robot: Surrennnnnderrrrrrr... (shuts down)
    Seven: The robot has been neutralized. May I leave now?
    Tom: Come on Seven, give it a chance! The galaxy's at stake.
    • The way that the robot's spring-style arms flop to the ground as it shuts down just makes the whole scene.
    • And so does the fact that if the galaxy was at stake, you'd want to be more efficient, not less.
  • At the start of the episode, Chaotica summons the "one force in the universe that even Captain Proton can't defeat", Constance screams, and the camera turns to show us... the Doctor, who just came in and immediately started griping about Tom and Harry hogging the holodeck.
    Constance: (loud scream)
    Doctor: The same to you.
  • In the first act, the lack of activity in the Void is putting a strain on even the senior officers: Janeway has locked herself in her quarters over the decision to strand Voyager in the Delta Quadrant, Chakotay is trying to hold everything together, Tom and B'Elanna are arguing over everything, Tuvok is having trouble meditating, the Doctor's beside manner is getting worse, Neelix is succumbing to nihiliphobia...and Harry is practicing the clarinet while on Bridge duty. Even while succumbing to Cabin Fever, Harry Kim remains as strait laced as ever.
• At the beginning of "Drone" Doctor is excited to see (and take pictures of) the nebula. Seven isn't.
  Seven: This isn't shore leave. There will be no time for recreational activities.
  Doctor: The Borg: party-poopers of the galaxy.
  • Doctor waking up B'Elanna at 6 AM (on her day off!) to ask about his mobile emitter. Then he calls her again when she's trying to take a shower. In responce B'Elanna covers the screen with a towel.
    Doctor: I'm a doctor, not a peeping tom. It's nothing I haven't seen before.
  • Doctor's attempt at humor falling flat and One reciting a dictionary definition of a joke in response.
    Doctor: You may have been unexpected but, given time, I am sure you'll make a fine addition to the crew. After all, you've got my mobile emitter driving your neocortex, so you're bound to make a dazzling impression. (off One's non-reaction) That's called a joke.
    One: Joke: a verbal comment or gesture designed to provoke laughter.
    Doctor: I see you've got your mother's sense of humor.
• In "Extreme Risk," the crew's trying to get the Delta Flyer ready so they can beat the Malon to a probe they're trying to recover. Tim Russ puts just the right amount of emphasis into this exchange to make it hilarious:
  Paris: Look, we could spend weeks trying to solve this, but we've got a ticking clock. Engines are working, weapons systems are online... I say we launch now and hope for the best.
  Tuvok: Mr. Paris, that is perhaps the most illogical statement you've ever made.
  • While designing the Delta Flyer in the holodeck, Tom orders the computer to add decorative fins to the design. Tuvok immediately counters the command.
  Tuvok: We are not designing a hot rod, Lieutenant.
• In "In The Flesh", while Chakotay is dating "Archer", she suggests that they visit the Vulcan nightclub, which currently has a pon farr night in process, two major red flags in the same sentence considering Vulcans' attitude towards both partying in general as well as discussing pon farr with outsiders, showing that Species 8472's intel on species other than human is still woefully inadequate. Unfortunately, the episode doesn't show Tuvok's reaction to the concept.
• "Once Upon a Time": After encountering Seven in the mess hall, Naomi (who's scared of Seven) turns to Neelix with no expression and says in a monotone, "I am Borg."
  Neelix: (laughing) No you're not!
• Drunk Seven in "Timeless". She doesn't think she can be drunk as she only had one glass of champagne and it was synthehol.
  • Bonus points in that Seven's reaction to being drunk is basically the Borg version of "You're my best friend evarrrr!"
    Seven: (staring at the Doctor, putting her hand on his shoulder and tapping him repeatedly in the chest, but otherwise in an only slightly less deadpan version of her usual voice) You have always been of enormous assistance to me, doctor. You are my mentor.
    Doctor: (agreeably) Yes. (He starts guiding her out of the room)
    Seven: [patting him on the back] We are as one! (turns randomly to the nearest person, Harry Kim:) We are as one.
• In "Infinite Regress", Jeri Ryan's Ferengi impression.
  • Early on, Seven of Nine has one of her personality switches, into a personality who doesn't like studying, likes to play, and hates "Borgs" because "they're mean". She plays a sci-fi board game with Naomi while in this personality and Naomi is enjoying herself but confused.
  • Also, there's Seven calling Naomi the "Subunit" of Ensign Wildman.
• The episode "Nothing Human" starts with several of the crew stuck in a slideshow by the Doctor. Cut up to the bridge, where Harry reminds Chakotay that he was supposed to declare yellow alert at twenty-one hundred and break them out.
  Chakotay: (deadpan) Harry, you and I were lucky enough to enjoy the Doctor's scintillating exhibition for two full hours. Would it really be fair of us to deny our friends the same unforgettable experience?
  Harry: (smiling brightly) Of course not, sir.
  • The others have some choice words after they're released.
    Torres: What happened to going to yellow alert after half an hour?
    Tuvok: Commander Chakotay appears to have disobeyed a direct order.
    Janeway: Definitely grounds for court martial.
• In "Thirty Days", Tom "rescuing" Harry from being "tortured" by the Delaney Sisters in a Captain Proton hologram. Really, he's not complaining about the mind probe.
• In "Counterpoint", we have an alien who puffs his nose when he gets agitated. What really sells it is Mulgrew's reaction.
  • At the beginning, the Doctor tries to tell a Devore soldier that the vial he's holding with cultivated bacteria is very fragile...only for the soldier to deliberately drop it.
• "Bride of Chaotica". Oh, where do we begin.
  • Watching the crew play around in a sci-fi serial from the 1930's is funny enough, but there are two lines in that episode that take the cake. When Tom Paris is explaining to the senior staff how to stop Chaotica, he says, completely serious, "The Destructo-Beam on my rocket ship can disable the Death Ray, but only if someone gets inside the Fortress of Doom and can shut down the Lightning Shield." When Janeway starts questioning the ridiculousness of this:
    Captain: Let me get this straight, transdimensional aliens have mistaken your Captain Proton simulation for reality?
    Paris: Yes ma'am.
    Captain: And now an armed conflict has broken out between these aliens and Chaotica's holographic army?
    Paris: (completely deadpan) Yes, ma'am. His army of evil.
  • When Tom recommends that someone take on the role of Queen Arachnia, Janeway sarcastically asks who he had in mind, at which point she and all of the other officers in the room turn to look at Seven. A couple moments pass, and then Janeway turns back around to see that Tom is looking straight at her. She's even laughing at the thought of Seven as Arachnia, and the second she sees that Tom's looking at HER, her face just DROPS. ^note  Although she could have been laughing at the ludicrousness of the situation, and also could be interpreted as looking at Tuvok.
  • Seven can barely restrain a smirk telling Janeway to "consider this Starfleet's first encounter with Planet X."
  • Jim "Reviewboy" Wright best explains Janeway's expression done up in the ridiculous Arachnia outfit: "When this is all over, Janeway vows, death is far too good a fate for Tom gold-danged Paris."
  • Tom sends Janeway to the holodeck to play Arachnia and says, "See you at the Fortress of Doom! And remember. You're the Queen!"
  • Any and all instances of the magnificent Large Ham that is Doctor Chaotica.
    FoooooOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLL!!!! You will pay for your inCOMpetence!!
    • Later on, Janeway gets into the spirit of the thing and really hams it up, delightfully yelling, "HA! You're no match for Arachnia!"
    • And, speaking of incompetence, there's this bit...
    Chaotica: Why this preoccupation with the Shield?
    Janeway: Oh, forgive me. It's just that, as a fellow ruler of the cosmos I often have to do things myself.
    Chaotica: Ah. Because of the incompetence of your inferiors, no doubt.
    Janeway: Something like that.
  • Janeway's face when Tom shows her the specifications for Arachnia's costume.
  • The fact that this is a rare "holodeck malfunction" episode where the safeties still work, so the crew are impervious to harm in the simulation, which they use to their advantage, leading to Janeway's great Large Ham moment above. In a meta sense, the fact that it's a holodeck malfunction episode where the safeties still work.
  • Before she even gets to the role of Arachnia, there's a beautiful moment that very much sums up her relationship with coffee.
    (Janeway enters the Mess Hall)
    Janeway: Coffee, black.
    Neelix: Sorry, Captain. We lost two more replicators this morning-
    Janeway: Listen to me very carefully because I'm only going to say this once. Coffee, black.
    Neelix: Yes, ma'am. Coffee, black. (pours a cup) While I've got your attention, there are- (Janeway holds up a hand)
    Janeway: Coffee first. (proceeds to take a big gulp) Now what's the problem?
  • Neelix goes on to explain that all but three bathrooms on the ship have broken down and that "lines are starting to form." He adds there will be problems, especially from the Bolians. Janeway's reaction makes it clear that she's thinking of how, given what those guys eat, one can only imagine what comes out the other end.
  • The charmingly retro 1940s Scifi monster that is Satan's Robot. Cheesy? Yes. Generic? Totally. Hilarious? Most definitely.
    Satan's Robot: Invaders, Invader-
    Paris: (exasperated, bangs his phaser into the robots face with a clang) Quiet!
    Satan's Robot: (sounding subdued and downtrodden) Invaders...
  • Tuvok's take on the Death Ray, notable because even Chakotay and Seven visibly bust up laughing in the background.
    Paris: Well, he's been attacking the aliens with his Death Ray.
    Tuvok: It's a shame we don't have one.
  • Tom getting annoyed at the program:
    Tom: Space drive?
    Harry: Check!
    Satan's Robot: Check.
    Tom: Destructo-beam?
    Harry: Check!
    Satan's Robot: Check.
    Tom: If I could access holodeck controls, the first thing I'd do is delete this guy. (points at Satan's Robot)
    Satan's Robot: Delete this guy.
    Tom: No, as a matter of fact, as soon as this is all over I think I'm gonna delete this whole program!
    Harry: What about your historical study?
    Tom: Class dismissed.
• In "Bliss," a massive alien creature tricks the crew into thinking they have a wormhole to Earth when they're really rendered unconcious and the alien swallows up the ship. Free of its influence, Seven of Nine and Naomi Wildman meet up with Quatai, a man who's been hunting the creature for decades and they go to the medical bay.
  Doctor: Please state the nature of the medical emergency.
  Quatai: Your ship is being eaten by a giant monster. I'd say that's an emergency, wouldn't you?
  • The same episode has Naomi Wildman's first road trip in the Delta Flyer, which apparently wasn't as exciting as she'd hoped. Her requests to do something fun allow Tom to let out his inner child.
    Naomi: Well, can't we make first contact with somebody? Or get in a space battle?
    Tom: [Puppy-Dog Eyes] Yeah, can we?
    Seven: [resists the urge to sigh in annoyance]
• In "Dark Frontier", the way the Hansens treat the Borg drones by infiltrating their natural habitat, giving them descriptive nicknames, temporarily beaming them away from their alcoves while they're sleeping and tagging them with trackers makes them seem like they're documenting the behavior of local wildlife instead of an extremely dangerous Multiversal Conqueror sentient species.
  • The humor is more in the comment itself, rather than anything intentional, but when the Queen looks over Seven after she's been escorted into the Queen's chamber, the Queen comments "They've taken you apart and rebuilt you in their own image." As if this isn't the definition of Borg assimilation... The hypocrisy is highlighted all the more as the episode portrays further efforts of assimilation, and we literally see the Borg taking people apart, and rebuilding them in their own image.
• In "The Disease", there is this Cringe Comedy scene.
  Harry Kim: Last night I had an encounter with one of the Varro.
  EMH: Encounter?
  Harry Kim: A personal encounter.
  EMH: Specifically?
  Harry Kim: [awkward pause] Sex. We had sex.
  • Tom's reaction to Harry is equal parts needling him on it and also being a bit proud.
    Tom: You're always going after impossible women: a hologram, an ex-Borg, the wrong twin, and now a girl from a xenophobic species!
  • The Doctor tells Harry he has to inform Janeway of his encounter. Harry clearly is wishing a combined Borg/Hirogen/Kazon invasion would hit at this point.
  • Tom loses an argument to Tuvok.
    Tom: I give up.
    Chakotay: After only two minutes? Tuvok, how do you do it?
    Tuvok: I wait until his own illogic overwhelms him.
• Torres discovering Seven has been keeping notes on her and Paris' love life in "Someone to Watch Over Me".
  Torres: How the hell do you know when we're having "intimate relations"?!
  Seven: [deadpan] There is no one on Deck 9, Section 12 who doesn't know when you are having intimate relations.
  • Torres's reaction to the above...
  Torres: Call Sickbay. Tell them there's about to be a medical emergency.
  • From the same episode, Sex-Ed with the Doctor. He talks about the mating habits of various species, then attempts to explain how conception works, describing the egg as "Fortress Ovum" and the sperm as "little warriors". Seven blankly states that she knows the physiology of sex.
  • The whole subplot about Tomin, the ambassador of the deeply religious and rule-obsessed Kadi people, feels like it belongs to an entirely different, much sillier TV series: the Kadi have extremely specific requirements from what kind of food they're allowed to eat, to what times they're supposed to pray at, and even what kind of water they're allowed to wash themselves with and Neelix does his best to follow these restrictions as closely as possible while preparing for the ambassador's arrival. However, shortly after arriving, Tomin asks Neelix to sample some hasperat, a spicy Bajoran dish, instead of being content with the bland food Neelix has been preparing for him and everything quickly goes downhill from there. When he's next seen, he's sitting at the end of a table in the Mess Hall with a huge number of empty plates and bowls next to him, is purposefully ignoring the alarm for one of his 8 daily prayer times and quickly finds his way to the holodeck bar Paris likes to spend his time in, now solidly drunk and with a holographic lady under each his arm. Later yet, he makes a huge scene at the evening party and has to be carried to the Sick Bay because it turns out his species doesn't produce the enzyme that would let him metabolize alchohol, forcing Seven of Nine to adapt her nanoprobes to do it for him while he's lying on the bed and calling her "Seven of mine" and asking her to "assimiliate him". In the end, when they finally manage to get him sobered enough to be presentable when his religious superior returns, it turns out Neelix had been worrying himself sick trying to make Tomin stick to his rules for nothing since his superior fully expected him to make a huge ass out of himself and is fine with it as long as he does it in moderation.
• In "11:59", the Doctor takes a photo of the crew and tells them to smile. Everyone does except for Tuvok and Seven, who remain as stone faced as ever.
• During a ping pong tournament in the Mess Hall in "Relativity", the ball abruptly pauses in midair. The crew begin checking it out with tricorders and staring at it. It then resumes moving... And Neelix marks down the point on his PADD.
  • Janeway gets pulled into this episode's time-travel shenanigans.
    Ducane: [Seven of Nine] instigated a phaser fight in Utopia Planitia; she was seen by you and Lieutenant Tuvok two years before she joined your crew; and she interacted with her past self in front of 15 crew members at a ping-pong tournament, approximately six minutes ago. Your timeframe, of course.
    Janeway: ...of course.
    Ducane: Needless to say, we need to clean up the timeline. Someone must go back to the beginning and prevent the chain of events from occurring in the first place.
    Seven: I can't make another jump without damaging myself.
    (beat as Janeway reaches realization)
    Janeway: ...I get the feeling I'm about to be drafted.
    (mission details are explained)
    Ducane: Don't miss him, or we'll have to do this all over again.
    Janeway: Wait a minute, Let Me Get This Straight...... I'm going back in time to stop Braxton. But you already have him.
    Ducane: And there's a third one in our brig; I arrested him earlier today. But don't worry. They'll all be reintegrated in time for the trial.
    Janeway: And Seven?
    Ducane: Oh, I assure you, when this is all over, there will be just one Seven of Nine.
    Janeway: (rolls eyes) ...alright, let's get started before my headache gets any worse...
  • And then Seven of Nine tries to make a joke when she's about to return from the 29th century to the 24th century:
    Janeway: See you in the 24th century.
    Seven: I look forward to it. Or should I say "backward"?
    Janeway: Don't start.

Season 6

• "Equinox", Voyager has just escaped an alien attack in the season premiere, and casualties are pouring into Sickbay. When they activate the Doctor...^note Technically the Equinox's EMH, but no one recognizes a difference,
  Doctor: Please state the nature of... (sees all the injured crew surrounding him) Don't bother.
• In "Survival Instinct," Janeway has opened up the Bridge and Voyager in general to delegations of visiting aliens. It seems like things are going well, but Tuvok has some concerns, which he's outlined in his criminal activities report. Janeway scans it over and doesn't think much of it sounds too serious. He tells her that there's a second page, so she continues reading, admitting that some of the stuff is a bit more serious, but she still thinks they did the right thing.
  Tuvok: There is a third page.
  • Crowd Control, Borg style, as Naomi and Seven try to make their way through a crowded corridor:
    Naomi: (trying to make her way through the throng) Excuse me, excuse me please! We're trying to get through to the turbolift!
    Seven: (in a tone that has a plethora of threats to life and limb in it) STAND ASIDE.
    (Everyone moves aside, allowing Seven and Naomi passage)
    Naomi: (sweetly) Thank you!
• Many moments in "Tinker Tenor Doctor Spy", but a special mention goes to the Doctor's aria in the teaser and the briefing room scene.
  • "Tu-vok, I un-der-stand/You are a Vul-can man..." Also Awesome Music. Basically, the Doctor imagined he was singing "La donna e mobile", when Tuvok went crazy due to pon farr, so he sang about it to the tune of the song.
  • Also in that episode, some of the crew, including Seven, enter the Doctor's daydream to discover that he's imagining doing a nude portrait of Seven. Janeway just looks at the picture and finally observes that "he does the hands very well." (Likely a Call-Back joke to the "hands of a surgeon" joke on DS9)
  • The computer in the Doctor's daydreams (voiced by Majel Barret, as usual) gets in some good lines, too:
    Warning: Warp core breach a lot sooner than you think.
    Warning: Last chance to be a hero, Doctor. Get going!
  • Janeway's reaction to the "Emergency Command Hologram": "...Nice touch." (Said pips get a dramatic close up when they appear.)
  • In one of the Doctor's daydreams, Torres, Seven of Nine and Janeway are all fighting over him during a staff briefing, complete with a sexophone riff that plays throughout. At one point, Janeway shouts in supposed pain, claiming to have an old Starfleet Academy injury that is flaring up. She asks the Doctor to have a look and he starts feeling her up. Tom Paris gives him a look of absolute disgust and the Doctor gives him his own absolutely hilarious nonchalant "Well, what can you do?" look in return.
• In "One Small Step", Seven takes it upon herself to 'upgrade' the ship's computer core with Borg algorithms. After a myriad of secondary systems go haywire due to the modifications, Chakotay kindly reminds Seven about the chain of command and the need for requests to implement system-wide changes. Seven of Nine's joke to Chakotay to defuse the situation is chuckle-worthy...
  Seven: Clearly Voyager is not yet ready for assimilation.
  • And just after that, they experience a ship-wide power drain due to an encroaching Negative Space Wedgie. Chakotay shoots a look to Seven, who feels compelled to point out:
  Seven: ...This is unrelated to my modifications.
• "Pathfinder" gives us an appropriately Lampshaded bit of Technobabble:
  Reg Barclay: Has it ever occurred to you that a tachyon beam directed at a class-B itinerant pulsar could produce enough gravimetric energy to create an artificial singularity?
  Deanna Troi: (Beat) I can't say that it has.
  • Since the episode focuses so much on Barclay's efforts, it takes until nearly the end to see Voyager in earnest. And this is the scene that greets us:
    Neelix (entering Astrometrics with a spring in his step): I'm ready for my lesson!
    Seven: I've concluded that teaching you to sing is an inefficient use of my time.
    Neelix: But I... I've... I've been practicing.
    Seven: In your case, practice is irrelevant. Your vocal cords are incapable of producing basic diatonic tones, not to mention your rhythmic shortcomings.
    Neelix: I sound so good in the sonic shower.
    Seven: Perhaps you should confine your efforts to that location.
  • On a meta level, at one point Barclay uses his Voyager holoprogram to distract the Starfleet security officers while he tries his plan to contact Voyager. Holo-B'Elanna pulls out a phaser on the security goon. It has no effect - For once in the history of Star Trek, the safety protocols WORKED.
• "Fair Haven":
  • Yeah, Tom Paris' Irish village holo-program is silly and clichéd, but the scene where Janeway wanders into the holodeck and hacks the program one night, just so she can make one character into her perfect man, is iconic. She's practically purring the entire scene. Get it, Kathryn!
  Janeway: Now, increase the character's height by... three centimeters. [character increases in height] Remove the facial hair. [character reappears beardless] No, no, I don't like that; put some back. About two days growth. [character reappears with stubble] Better. Oh, one more thing. Access his interpersonal subroutines; familial characters. Delete the wife.
  Computer: Modification complete.
  Janeway: [big smile] Pleased to meet you, Mr. Sullivan.
  • The Doctor very reluctantly betting on Harry beating the local Big Guy at arm wrestling. Made even better when Harry actually wins and the Doc does an instant 180.
  Doctor: I knew you could do it, Ensign!
  • While we don't get to see it (sadly). The fact that Michael climbed up a tree and started screaming Katie aka Janeway's name.
  • Seamus, of all people is able to charm Seven of Nine. Much to poor Harry's shock.
  • Tuvok is suffering from an ailment similar to spacesickness (it's actually the effects of the neutronic gradient on his Vulcan physiology). Despite Seven's concern, he refuses to go to sickbay, insisting he'll be fine. Then, first Paris and Kim show up, suggesting he could try meditating by the sea in the Fair Haven program with the waves going "up and down, up and down...", and then Neelix starts discussing dinner, describing the problems he's been having making blood pudding in graphic detail.
    Tuvok: ...If you'll excuse me, I think I will consult the Doctor. [flees]
• "Blink of an Eye":
  • The Doctor beams down to observe the planet around which Voyager is in orbit. He's supposed to be gone 3 seconds (2 days local time), but instead gets trapped for 3 years local. When he's returned, he practically tackles Janeway in joy at seeing her again.
  • Later, he meets an astronaut from the planet and talks sports like a modern day football fan.
  • And when the crew is frantically searching for the Doctor's transporter signature, Chakotay orders Harry to look for opera houses. They find him almost immediately.
• In "Memorial", B'Elanna surprises Tom with a replica 1950s TV set. He quickly becomes engrossed in it, only making non-committal noises as B'Elanna tells him about something that happened while he was away.
  Tom: Oh! Hockey!
  B'Elanna: [Beat] It was a shame we had to cut the lecture short, but the warp core overloaded, and then the Borg invaded, and we were all assimilated.
  Tom: Mm-hmm.
  B'Elanna: You haven't heard a single thing I've said, have you?
  Tom: Oh! Look at that!
  B'Elanna: Maybe this was a bad idea.
• From "Spirit Folk":
  • Tom Paris pranks Harry Kim by turning his holographic girlfriend, Maggie, into a cow, just when he's about to kiss her. She remembers this as a strange "dream" about her wandering around naked except for a bell.
  • When the Doctor, who is being a priest, is preaching a sermon and mentions that he's made of photons, a woman remarks that he may have "been at the sacramental wine".
• In "Child's Play", Icheb gets nervous and thinks there is something wrong with his stomach. He is told he has butterflies in the stomach and says that he has never assimilated butterflies.
  • When the children are showing off their science projects, the twins successfully cloned a potato. Janeway asks why potatoes, and Seven explains that this was their second choice. They originally wanted to clone Naomi. Jim "Reviewboy" Wright suggests that they have a crush on her.
  • Later, after he's being pestered by the other Borg kids and Naomi with questions shows that he really is becoming the oldest brother of their little found family.
  Icheb: If you don't stop asking questions, I'm going to put all of you in a cargo container and transport you back to the Borg.
• "Live Fast and Prosper" in general, a fun comedy that features Janeway, Tuvok and Chakotay impersonators. The crew finally captures the Janeway imposter, and when Janeway meets Dala, the con artist posing as her:
  Janeway: Nice hair.
  • Janeway and Tuvok tell Dala what to expect if they turn her over to the authorities, in an attempt to intimidate her. Since Janeway and Tuvok don't have Dala's flair for bluffing, it is not a good attempt.
  Tuvok: The Telsian criminal justice system is rather barbaric.
  Janeway: Tell her about the prisons.
  Tuvok: Barely habitable. Inmates often die of malnutrition before they are brought to trial. Torture is commonplace, as is disease, including several incurable forms of psoriasis.
  [moments later, in the corridor]
  Janeway: "Psoriasis"?
  Tuvok: Improvisation is not foremost among my talents.
  • Tom and Neelix are kicking themselves over how they totally bought into the trio's earlier con of posing as religious folks to get access to the ship's systems. These guys joined Voyager as shady hustlers themselves in the pilot, prior to Character Development, and here they are looking like idiots after falling for what, in retrospect, is a painfully obvious scam.
    Tom: Neelix...what happened to us?
    Neelix: I know exactly what you mean! I've been over it a thousand times!
    Tom: Why didn't we see this coming?
    Neelix: Orphans! It's the oldest gambit in the book!
    Tom: I mean, if it'd been Harry, I could understand it. He trusts everybody. But you and me?
  • To cheer themselves up, Tom and Neelix decide to do the "old shell game" and "just needs a mark." Right on cue, the Doctor enters. So Neelix makes a big show of rotating the cups, and asks the Doctor, where is the nut? The Doctor looks Neelix right in the eye and gives his Armor-Piercing Response: it's in Neelix's left palm. Cue Oh, Crap! faces.
  • Tuvok's understated What the Hell, Hero? in the briefing room, in true Tuvok fashion:
    Orek: This is all difficult for me to believe. Two of your crewmen deceived by clerics? Hah! Could they really have been so naive?
    Tuvok: A legitimate question.
  • Mobar in general. The Running Gag of the episode is how he spends the whole episode Method Acting and burying himself in being Tuvok... even when it has nothing to do with the mission! Then he comes face-to-face with his idol — and gets pwned in no time.
• "Muse" sees B'Elanna and Harry crash-landed on a planet Voyager is having difficulty locating, and Tuvok works on a PADD around the clock trying to figure out how to reach them. While working in the mess hall, he insists to Neelix that Vulcans can go at least two weeks without sleep, even though he looks like hell. Sure enough, later in the episode, we cut to Paris flying the ship, and having difficulty concentrating over Tuvok snoring in the captain's chair.
  Paris (whispering): Tuvok. Tuvok.
  Tuvok (startled awake): As you were!
• During "Life Line", Dr. Zimmerman is griping about how the EMH keeps trying to diagnose his illness. All while receiving a soothing massage from a holographic Tarlac female, who then covertly takes out a tricorder and starts to scan him.
  Zimmerman: (realizes something) Computer, realign Voyager's EMH.
  Doctor: (smiles sheepishly as he returns to normal)
  Zimmerman: YOU!!
  • The Doctor and Zimmerman are both so abrasive that they drive the normally calm and understanding Deanna Troi to snap. "You're both jerks!"
    • Later, the Doctor calls Zimmerman a jerk "as Counselor Troi might say", but Zimmerman points out that she was talking to him, too.
  • The Doctor getting annoyed by the holographic fly and iguana and deactivating them, and earlier, the holographic lady telling the fly not to land on the food.
  • "Life Line" has probably the funniest scene in the whole show:
    Doctor: (storms in) Power up the MIDAS array, I'm leaving!
    Barclay: What happened this time?
    Doctor: I ran a mitochondrial scan. There was something odd about the results, so I spent a full hour analyzing them. And what did I discover? He's a Vulcan marsupial. He reconfigured my tricoder!
    Barclay: (laughs)
    Doctor: You find that amusing?!
    Barclay: A little- Well, not really.
    Halley: Sounds like you are making progress.
    Doctor: How so?
    Halley: He only teases people he likes.
    Doctor: Then he must love me.
    Barclay: I take it that you still haven't been able to diagnose him?
    Doctor: On the contrary. The patient appears to be suffering from an acute case of ARROGANCE! (notices the fly)
    Barclay: Oh, that's Roy.
    Doctor: Don't tell me... a hologram?
    Barclay: It was commissioned by Starfleet Intelligence, an experiment in micro-surveillance. Doctor Z keeps it around as a sort of... pet.
    Doctor: Undercover insects? Talking iguanas?! This isn't a research station! It's a three... ring... circus! (picks up a book and starts swinging at "Roy") You should charge admission!
    Barclay: Look- (nearly gets hit with the book) Look, you know that we can't send you back for another two weeks. So please, just- just keep trying.
    Doctor: I can't treat a patient who won't let me near him! He's deranged! What he needs is a counselor! (swats "Roy")
    Barclay: (horrified gasp)
    Doctor: Finally, I've accomplished something.
• In "The Haunting of Deck Twelve" Janeway orders some coffee. Due to glitches caused by the nebula that they're in, the replicator makes a cylinder of coffee that immediately collapses into a puddle, then makes the mug that the coffee was supposed to be in. Adding in Janeway's noted addiction to the stuff just makes the moment of pathos better.
  • Even funnier if you know that Garfield did the same joke back in the 80's in Garfield: His 9 Lives. Starting at 13:28.
  • When they approach the nebula in The Teaser, Tom makes a reference to Edgar Allen Poe while Harry says that it looks like a vampire bat. What does Tuvok see? "Two Starfleet officers with juvenile imaginations."
  • Poor Harry accidentally getting attacked by a skittish Tal Celes. Who starts to panic while listing off all the aliens who are likely attacking the ship.
• "Unimatrix Zero":
  • When the Borg Queen peeks through a drone's eyes to investigate Unimatrix Zero, what does she see? None other than her old nemesis Captain Janeway coming at the drone with a bat'leth. The look on the Queen's face is absolutely priceless. Then she snarls "Janeway." in a way that screams "Of course she is involved in this Unimatrix Zero business".
  • "See you soon, Harry." That's right, even the embodiment of a galaxy-spanning Hive Mind can't pass up the opportunity to troll Harry Kim.

Season 7

• In "Drive", Voyager has entered a race, which becomes troubled by an act of sabotage. The official offers Voyager a chance to back out.
  Janeway: Last I checked, we were winning.
  • During the race, Seven of Nine uses Astrometrics to track the racers and occasionally announces the relevant information through the comm systems. Neelix comes in and points out that race details can change in an instant, and begins barking out race updates in an energetic manner. At first only a few crewmembers are in Astrometrics following the race; but the next time we return to the scene, it's packed with excited racing fans. Tuvok comes in to discuss ship operations with the Captain:
  Tuvok: My weekly security report.
  Janeway: I'll read it later.
  Tuvok: There are a few matters we should discuss.
  Chakotay: She said later, Tuvok.
  • What makes this scene is that immediately after, the racers disappear into an anomaly and so the progress updates are temporarily halted. Tuvok shows even he is Not So Above It All:
  Janeway: Want to talk about that report now, Tuvok?
  Tuvok: Later, if that's permissible.
• In "Repression", Torres pointing out to Paris how ridiculous it is for him to make a 3D movie theater on the holodeck, using a system that can make genuine three dimensional images to create the illusion of such, or to put it in her words, "You've gone to all this trouble to program a three-dimensional environment that projects a two-dimensional image and now you're asking me to wear these to to make it look three-dimensional again?"
• In "Critical Care" the crew have to track down the Doctor's kidnapper. They ask a lady who dated (sort of) the kidnapper and she accuses Janeway of wanting the man for herself. Instead of trying to convince the woman of the truth, she grabs Tuvok's hand and says, "I already have a man." Tuvok looks as uncomfortable as a Vulcan can be, since touching fingers is how Vulcans kiss; the human equivalent to this would probably be Janeway all but sticking her tongue down his throat. AND IT IS HILARIOUS.
  • Janeway's "please kill me" face while listening to the lady prattle on about her man is just perfect by itself.
  • Tuvok and Neelix playing Good Cop/Bad Cop with the kidnapper. Bad Cop Tuvok threatens a Mind Meld with the stubborn suspect until Good Cop Neelix brings him lunch — and then it's revealed that Neelix put his Lethal Chef powers to work...
• Holo!Reg from "Inside Man" does a killer Janeway impression.
  Reg: (as Janeway) Imagine my disappointment when I discovered that Lieutenant Paris had eaten all the scrambled eggs. It was pure, unadulterated gluttony. Gastronomic conduct unbecoming a Starfleet officer. He knows it's my favorite breakfast, but he ate them anyway. We have an egg-mergency here, people. I want to know what you plan to do about it.
  Neelix: (laughing) Maybe I can replicate some more, Captain. (more laughing)
  Reg: Do it!
• Pretty much every moment when The Doc is stuck in Seven's body in "Body and Soul".
  • Also from "Body and Soul": The Doctor-as-Seven discovers the joys of cheesecake. When Ranek asks for a slice himself, Doctor-as-Seven produces another slice of cheesecake and gives him the half-eaten slice while he takes the new slice.
  • Also shows that Jeri Ryan is not just Ms. Fanservice, as she nails Robert Picardo's character.
• In the episode "Nightingale", Icheb, inexperienced at relationships, especially romantic ones, thinks that B'Elanna might be expressing interest in him, despite being married. In perhaps the worst bit of reasoning possible, he asks the Doctor for advice on how to determine if someone is interested in someone else romantically. The Doctor gives very little useful information, and cites some biological symptoms of sexual attraction. Later, when working with B'Elanna in the tight confines of the Jeffries Tube, she uses Icheb's shoulder to lean on as she reaches up to access a system. He whips out his tricorder (not a euphemism) and scans her. The results (which presumably match the Doctor's suggested symptoms) cause his eyes to widen comically and he gets an almost terrified look on his face. Later Paris makes a friendly offer that Icheb join him in his race car program on the holodeck, which Icheb misinterprets as a human variation of a Klingon's mate challenging a romantic rival. Icheb quickly goes to "break up" with a confused B'Elanna.
• In the episode "Shattered", the last time we see the Captain Proton holonovel, Chakotay and a time displaced season 1 Janeway (due to the Timey-Wimey Ball) get caught by Doctor Chaotica and his henchmen. Past!Janeway can't seem to decide if she's confused or exasperated, all the while Chakotay's enjoying himself way too much while still managing to keep a straight face.
  Janeway: I'm open to suggestions.
  Chakotay: Our best bet is to play along.
  Janeway: Don't let me stop you.
  Chakotay: I'm not the one he's in love with.
  (Janeway rolls her eyes)
  Janeway: (afterwards) If we restore the timeline, remind me to cancel Mr. Paris's holodeck privileges.
  • Her eyeroll as they convince Chaotica to help them is the perfect cap to the entire scene.
  • Just before the disaster. Chakotay enters Janeway's quarters for one of their frequent dinners together, to find her bent over the disassembled replicator.
  Chakotay: Let me guess. You burned the roast again.
  Janeway: Once, a long time ago, I called this replicator a glorified toaster. It never forgave me.
• Neelix of all people Boldly Coming with a female Klingon in "Prophecy". Complete with bite marks and bruises.
  Neelix: I'm really gonna miss her...
  • Even better: They went full Destructo-Nookie in Tuvok's quarters, leaving them in utter chaos. Tuvok is then visibly struggling to uphold his Vulcan stoicism while he is telling Neelix to Get Out!.
  • And even before that, Neelix letting himself into Tuvok's quarters and telling him that they'll be bunking together. Tuvok already knows that This Is Gonna Suck, especially when Neelix starts singing Klingon drinking songs.
  • And how does Neelix get busy with said Klingon woman? Because originally Harry was the one she wouldn't leave alone, so Neelix "told him off" so she'd become more fondly interested in him instead. How sad is it when Neelix gets more booty than Harry Kim?
• In "Human Error", the Doctor is singing "Rock-a-bye Baby" while doing a check-up on Seven, which is part of a number of songs that the Doctor record for Tom and B'Elanna's unborn child. Said song has also been updated for life after First Contact, as it now takes place in a shuttle. This actually makes the song Darker and Edgier; instead of a branch breaking, the warp core explodes.
  Seven: Is your intent to soothe the child or traumatize her?
  Doctor: I admit, the lyrics are rather grim. But it's the melody they respond to rather than the words.
  • One of the other songs included was a classic Klingon lullaby titled "Sleep, Little Warrior", with extra emphasis on the word sleep. One assumes Klingons have even less patience for fussy children not going to sleep than humans do.
• "Q2". All of it. Highlights include:
  • Janeway tells Q he needs to spend more time with his son to rein in said son and Q thinks this is a great idea. He kisses Janeway full on the mouth and disappears. The expression of shock and disbelief on her face has to be seen to be believed. Here, have a look.◊
  • She has an equally funny reaction when Q shows up in her bathtub and tries to do it again, then kisses the foot she holds up to stop him.^note The look on Janeway's face when Q kisses her foot is priceless!
  • Q has to discipline his son for bringing Voyager into contact with three Borg cubes.
    Q: If the Continuum has told you once, they have told you a thousand times: DON'T. PROVOKE. THE BORG!
  • ...says the dude who once himself finger-snapped the Enterprise right into the path of a Borg cube. He really has become a father.
  • Just the thought of Junior doing that all the time and being scolded like he's just running in the house or something.
  • In the same episode, Q Jr. (lower-case q?) turns engineering into a rave party. In a nice little Funny Background Event, one of the...guests tries feeling up Chakotay.
  • Q Junior also reprograms the replicator to have more of a personality, much to Janeway's dismay.
    Janeway: (to replicator) Coffee. Black.
    Computer: Make it yourself.
    Janeway: ("WTF?" expression)
  • Q Junior, while going about his mischief early on finger-snaps Seven of Nine's uniform away. She takes a moment to inform him that his attempts to embarrass her won't work, and ignores him to continue her work. Out of frustration, Q Junior finger-snaps her uniform back and huffs off.
  • After his powers are taken away, Q Junior rather pathetically asks Seven of Nine, "Can I see you naked again?"
  • Q saying that his son doesn't have enough "Q-ness". Janeway frustratedly asks what that even is.
  • After being transformed into an amoeba, Q Junior isn't even scared, just annoyed that he had to eat paramecia.
  • Just the idea of Q as a tired parent is great. (Maybe that's the In-Universe reason for Q looking older?)
• "Author, Author" and much of the shenanigans surrounding the Doctor's cherished holonovel, Photons Be Free.
  • The Doctor wholeheartedly denies that his holonovel is based on Voyager—despite that it's about a starship lost in the Delta Quadrant, with the medical officer replaced by an EMH who wears a mobile emitter, and the crew look similar to the Voyager crew (e.g. Tom Paris with the only apparent difference being an amazing mustache). He actually named them Captain Jenkins, Lieutenant Torrey, Lieutenant Commander Tulok (complete with the prerequisite Beard of Evil), Ensign Kymble, and - get this - Lieutenant Marseilles.
    B'Elanna: Oh, now that's creative.
  • Tom Paris trying out the program, and having to suffer through the Doctor's long, grandstanding introduction.
    Narrator!Doctor: As our story begins, an anomaly has hurled your ship thousands of light years across the galaxy. Your mission, to uphold your medical and ethical standards as you struggle against the crew's bigotry and intolerance. Persons with vascular disorders should consult a physician before running this program. And now, a few acknowledgments. First, Doctor Lewis Zimmerman, the creator of my holo-matrix, whose foresight and dedication have made it possible for me to achieve-
    Paris: Computer, freeze program! How much longer is this introduction?
    Computer: Nine minutes, four seconds.
    Paris: Skip to the first chapter.
  • Lieutenant Marseilles is almost exactly like Tom, but with a big, bushy mustache. B'elanna nearly bursts out laughing when she sees it.
  • When Neelix tries the program, he's particularly taken aback by one line:
    "Captain Jenkins": An inventory of your holo-matrix. Fifty gigaquads of memory devoted to music. Forty two for daydreams. Another ten to expand your sexuality.
    Neelix: ...I had no idea holograms could do that.
  • Tom Paris rewrites the Doctor's holonovel. He uses the exact same format as the Doctor's intro, but with his likeness in place of the Doctor's, and delivers this fantastic Take That!:
    Narrator!Paris: Welcome. You've made an excellent choice. You're obviously a person with impeccable taste.
    Doctor (aghast): Computer, freeze program!
    Computer: Unable to comply.
    Narrator!Paris: You are about to embark upon a remarkable journey. You will take on the role of a medical assistant aboard the starship Voyeur.
    Doctor: Voyeur?!
    Narrator!Paris: Your job will be to assist the Chief Medical Officer and learn to tolerate his overbearing behavior and obnoxious bedside manner. Remember, patience is a virtue! Chapter One — It's The Doctor's World, You're Just Living In It.
  • The Doctor's facsimile in Paris' rewrite has a horrendous combover, makes corny dad jokes and makes the most flippant medical scan in all of Star Trek.
  • After the Doctor gets done experiencing Paris's revised program, he and Paris walk through the corridors of Voyager, discussing what Paris did. Except the Doctor keeps raising his voice to shout about Paris' revisions, startling random passing crewmembers.
• From "Renaissance Man" where the Doctor impersonates everyone:
  • When he's pretending to be Chakotay but can't get his voice right, he claims to have a sore throat.
  • The Doctor pretending to be B'Elanna and awkwardly having to ask Vorek to remind her where some equipment is kept.
  • The Cringe Comedy that ensues when the Doctor is pretending to be B'Elanna and then Tom shows up, wanting a romantic lunch. The Doctor obviously hates this situation due to being hit on by someone he's not interested in (and in more ways than one) and being a hologram and thus unable to eat, but must keep pretending to be B'Elanna, so he claims to think the food is unhealthy. Tom's response is that the Doctor doesn't have to know. And then he smooches the Doctor, who's barely able to maintain the pretense.
  • The Doctor believes he's about to "die" and starts confessing various things, including his crush on Seven, the fact that he kept a list of Janeway's bad choices early on, the time he insulted Harry's sax playing, and the fact that he told Neelix about a lesion Tuvok had on his...well, take a guess. He's thoroughly embarrassed afterwards.
  • And then Tom has to ask "Anything else you'd like to confess?" You have no idea, Tommy-boy...
• "Endgame":
  • The future Paris on the Doctor finally choosing a name:
    Paris: Joe? It took you 33 years to come up with Joe?
  • When the narrative returns to 2378, B'Elanna wakes up Tom in the middle of the night, apparently in labor. After contacting the Doctor, Tom is told to report to Sickbay. He's nearly out the door before a thought occurs:
    Tom: What about B'Elanna?
    Doctor: Her, too.
    • Also, that scene opens with...
      B'Elanna: "Tom! It's time!"
      Tom: "For what?"
      B'Elanna: "I'll give you two guesses."
      Tom: "Oh! Paris to Sickbay, it's time."
      Doctor: "Can she stand?"
      Tom: (sees B'Elanna putting on her uniform) "Affirmative."
  • It turns out B'Elanna is actually experiencing false labor. It's happened several times over the past few weeks, which, according to the Doctor, is common among Klingons.
    B'Elanna: I want this thing out of me! Now!
    Doctor: Misdirected anger. Another common occurrence among Klingons.
  • When Chakotay informs Captain Janeway of the recent false labor, she notes that that the baby is as stubborn as her mother. Chakotay then informs Janeway that Harry is setting up a betting pool on when the baby will actually be born. Janeway asks Chakotay to relay a message to Harry: put her down for next Friday at 23:00.
  • Finally, when the actual delivery is happening, not only is it when Voyager is about to try and breach the transwarp hub, it's also the time Tom took on the pool.
    B'Elanna: (in labor) I'm so happy we could accommodate you!
    Doctor: Don't celebrate yet, Klingon labor sometimes lasts several days.
    B'Elanna: (grabs him by the collar and yells in his face in a mixture of pain and anger)
    Doctor: Of course I'm sure that won't be the case here.
  • Captain Janeway makes a hilarious 'does not compute' face when Admiral Janeway tells her that she gave up coffee.
  • When Chell volunteers to take over Neelix's cooking duties, his menu items include "Plasma Leak" Soup and Chicken "Warp Core"-don Bleu. Perhaps they should be thankful Chell was needed for a mission onboard the Borg Sphere that they were trapped in.
    Chakotay: If his cooking's as bad as his puns, we're in trouble.

Unsorted

• For the 30th-Anniversary special that aired on UPN, they put together (amongst other things) a mock audition for Voyager, featuring Kate Mulgrew... and the cast of Frasier (minus Kelsey Grammer). Out of Character moments, Deadpan Snarkery from Janeway, Lampshade Hangings and general silliness galore.
  • What really sells it is that Janeway is just rolling with EVERYTHING happening around her like it's a normal day at the office (or the bridge, but... anyway)... Then SHE delivers the final punchline, at the end of the sketch: "Computer, activate self-destruct."
• Any time Seven is in a social situation, and effectively has to order people to enjoy themselves.
  Seven: (to the Borg children) "Fun" will now commence.
• A meta example from the pilot, when Janeway tells Neelix that transporters are "quite harmless." Yeah, Neelix, it's not like you might get accidentally cloned, split into good and evil halves, sent into a Mirror Universe, merged with someone else (Oh, Neelix, about that one...), turned into a child, trapped in subspace, or anything like that. Nothing to worry about!
• Joe Carey became infamous because the writers had forgotten that he had not actually been killed off. What makes it funny is that in his last appearance in "State of Flux," he is confined to his quarters for the duration of the investigation and he does not reappear until "Friendship One," giving the impression that he had been locked in his quarters for the entire voyage.
• For more meta humor, read the episode synopses/reviews of Jim "Reviewboy" Wright. Excerpts of his writing (featuring his particular brand of snark and embellishment) are even featured on several recap pages.

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JANEWAY! STOP THIS CRAZY THING!!