Funny / Star Trek: Voyager

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    Season 1 
  • The very first episode gives us some of The Doctor's best lines.
    Doctor: (holds out hand expectantly) Tricorder. (Harry hands him the tricorder he has on hand and the Doctor gives it, then him a look) Medical tricorder!
  • Janeway and Paris first encounter with the charming boy Latika, from "Time and Again".
    Latika: Yeah, well I just talked to the transport attendant. He told me four people came today from Kalto. Two of them were a lot older than you, and they had a child with them.
    Janeway: Well, the attendant was wrong. That was us.
    Latika: So, where's the child?
    • And then there's Janeway's response, which is to give him an 'angry Mom glare.'
    Paris: Sorry. I just figured it was the quickest way.
  • The bridge crew muting the EMH in "The Cloud".
    EMH: I'm curious Captain, exactly what are you looking for?
    Janeway: I need to know if we did serious harm to this life-form.
    EMH: Let's see, you ran your ship through it, fired phasers at it, and blew a hole in it with a photon torpedo. I'd say it's a pretty good chance that you did some fairly significant....
    Janeway: Computer: mute audio.
  • The recurring gag of Janeway's coffee addiction in the same episode.
    Janeway: There's coffee in that nebula!
    • Later, Janeway hustling Paris at pool.
  • When Seska is revealed to have been a Cardassian spy in "State of Flux", Chakotay laments to Tuvok (who had also been a spy on his ship, for the Federation), "Was anyone on that ship working for me?"
  • Chakotay gets in a good one-liner towards Tuvok in "Heroes and Demons":
    Tuvok: There are no demons in Vulcan literature.
  • "Learning Curve" gave us the immortal line, "Get the cheese to sickbay!"
    • From the same episode, the Doctor eventually gets the idea to deal with the infection like a human body would: roast it with a fever. After dialing up the heat on the ship to cleanse the gel-packs, he proudly announces success. Then the camera pans over to Kes, who is dripping with sweat while the holo-Doc is no worse for wear.
  • In "The Phage" a Vidiian doctor is scanning the crew, but stops when he reaches the Emergency Medical Hologram.
    VIDIIAN: Strange. According to my readings, you are not here.
    EMH: Believe me, I wish I weren't.

    Season 2 
  • The opening to "The 37's" gives us one of Starfleet's strangest encounters. Voyager discovers an ancient Earth vehicle (a farmer's truck) floating in space.
    • Everyone panicking when Tom manages to start the truck's engine.
    • Torres literally not being able to identify crap. With a Tricorder in hand.
  • "Projections" has several, especially:
    Doctor: Computer, delete Paris.
    • There's also a callback to the "Tricorder. Medical tricorder!" bit from the pilot. It's still funny.
  • Decidedly the strangest sentence any Vulcan has ever spoken:
    • It is impossible to tell if it's Janeway or if it's Kate who almost corpses.
  • It was probably meant as a dramatic moment, but the scene where Tuvok choked Neelix to death, breaking his neck for good measure, left many viewers either cheering or laughing. Then it turned out that it was just a holodeck simulation.
    • And as noted by SF Debris, the underlying implication of the scene is that Tuvok considers simply spending a few minutes with Neelix to be the situation most likely to send him into murderous rage.
  • In "Death Wish," a Q wants the right to die, and our old friend Q shows up, pushing them into a trial for his right to make that choice. Q calls forth character witnesses about the importance of this one Q to show that he should not end his existence, Isaac Newton, Maury Ginsberg, and Commander William Riker. The last knows and understands whats happening. When Janeway tries to explain to the others...
    Janeway: Consider for a moment that it might be possible to travel forward in time, say to the twenty-fourth century, onto a starship seventy thousand light years from Earth...
    (blank looks from Newton and Ginsberg)
    Janeway: (beat) You're having a very strange dream...
    • When "Normal" Q first arrives on the scene.
    Q: (looks around and realizes there aren't any men on the bridge) Is this a ship of the Valkyries? Or have you Earth women finally done away with your men?
  • Tuvok having to deal with the antics of the Drayan children Elani, Corin and Tressa in "Innocence". For someone who happens to have kids himself, they sure gave him the runaround for a while.
    Corin: But I want to sit next to you!
    Tuvok: (silently points a finger at the boy to be quiet)
  • During Voyager's battle with the Kazon in "Basics Pt. 1", the crew try to fool the attacking ships with some holographic ships. Unfortunately, when they initiate the program, the Doc somehow gets stuck floating outside the ship as the battle ensues and cries "Man overboard!" What's the first thing he says once B'Elanna transfers him back to sickbay?
    B'Elanna: Doctor, are you there? Are you all right?
    Doctor: I told you, we should have run one last systems check.
  • The Doctor goes to Tom Paris for advice after Denara Pel turns him down for a date.
    "Mr, Paris. I assume you have a great deal of experience being rejected by women."
  • Although "Threshold" is best served as Drinking Game fodder instead of an actual episode, there are a few INTENTIONALLY funny remarks from the Doctor.
    • After his shuttle trip, Tom is passed out on one of the Sickbay biobeds. Janeway asked if Tom can be woken up.
    Doctor: I don't see why not. (leans in close to Tom's ear) WAKE UP, MISTER PARIS! (Tom jolts awake)
    • Later, after Tom is brought back after collapsing in the Mess Hall, the Doctor asks what Tom ingested.
    B'Elanna: Just a cup of Neelix's coffee.
    Doctor: It's a miracle he's still alive...
  • Kes starts getting frustrated with the rivalry between Tom and Neelix for her affections (which is mostly one-sided on Neelix's part, as Tom is attracted to her, but is respectful that she's in a relationship) and complains to the Doctor.
    Kes: On my homeworld, it's so much simpler. You choose a mate for life; there's no distrust, no jealousy, no envy, no betrayal...
    The Doctor: Hm. Your homeworld must have very dry literature.

    Season 3 
  • In "Basics Pt. 2", most of the crew has been dumped onto a Stone Age planet. Chakotay says this as they're trying to start a fire:
    "Sorry that you're stuck with the one Indian in the galaxy that can't make fire by rubbing two sticks together."
  • "Flashback": Tuvok and Janeway ambush memory!Rand and knock her out with the nerve pinch. As they are removing her uniform to disguise Janeway:
    Janeway: We could've just asked her.
    Tuvok: Asking female officers for their clothing could lead to misunderstandings.
    ''This is followed by a scene of Janeway on the bridge wearing Rand's obviously ill-fitting uniform.
    • Fridge Logic: It's a good thing this is all in Tuvok's head, or Rand might have had to explain how she wound up stuffed in a closet in her underwear.
  • The episode "False Profits" is full of laughs (thanks mostly to the Ferengi Arridor and Kol). One moment that really stands out would be near the end of the episode. When it looks like the two Ferengi and Neelix (who was disguised as a Ferengi at the time in order to try and get the two to leave the planet) are about to be burned at the stake as the jubiliant and enthusiastic (but horribly misguided) locals attempt to send them back up to their home in the sky "on wings of flame" in the words of the ancient prophecies they're following.
    Kol: Arridor?
    Arridor: What is it now?!
    Kol: We had seven years of pure profit.
    Arridor: (smiles) We did didn't we?
    Neelix: (Neelix gives them both a look of pure confusion and disgust)
  • Near the beginning of the "Future's End" two parter Janeway and Chakotay discuss what their ancient relatives were up to during the time period. During the conversation, Chakotay makes a comment that simply can't be approved under Starfleet regulations towards a ship's captain.
    Janeway: (a random woman on skates bumps into the pair and apologies before she skates away) For all I know she might be my great-great-great-great grandmother.
    Chakotay: (smiles mischievously) She does have your legs.
    • Janeway's reference to Spock's famous "Bone knives and bear skins" line.
    • Tom has the pleasure of using the last line of the two parter to deliver a 20th century insult (which he picked up from Rain) to Tuvok.
    Tom: (totally deadpan) You know what Tuvok, you're a real freakasaurus.
  • Henry Sterling's last words:
    • To clarify, this is the man who captured a time traveling ship after it fell to Earth in the 1970's, and has been a real Jerkass for the two part series. Eventually, after some on-the-fly repairs to the torpedo tubes, Voyager just barely manages to fire off a single torpedo at him as he is attempting to travel to the future—which is quite sufficient to obliterate him, however.
  • After B'Elanna is infected with Vorik's Pon Farr in "Blood Fever", Paris is informed that he needs to have sex with her to keep her from going insane and dying (and at this point they're not yet a couple) and all but ordered to do so. The expression on his face (kind of a combination between "Man, all that holding her off was for nothing!" and "Well, okay then!") is priceless.
    • And their encounter at the end:
    Paris: You're afraid that your big, scary Klingon side might have been showing. Well, I saw it up close and you know, it wasn't so terrible. In fact, I wouldn't mind seeing it again someday.
    B'Elanna: Careful what you wish for, Lieutenant.
  • Several moments from "Before and After" such as Doc's inability to choose and keep a name (Dr. Van Gogh in one time period, Dr. Mozart in another). Then we get these hilarious lines:
    Harry: "So how does it feel to be a grandfather?"
    Tom: "A lot better than it does to have you for a son-in-law."
  • If you can get past the Nightmare Fuel that is two Borg cubes getting one-shot KO'ed by Species 8472 at the start of 'Scorpion,' the fact that they don't even get to their Catch Phrase of "Resistance is futile" (thus showing resistance is anything but) can be pretty humorous, and, based on that situation, you really need all the laughs you can get.
  • The two Voth scientists observing the Voyager crew and commenting on this like they were something in between animal behaviorists and anthropologists.

    Season 4 
  • In "Revulsion", when Seven was trying to seduce poor Harry in her usual blunt way, forcing him to confront his inarticulate crush on her. (Poor, dumb Harry.)
    Kim: I don't know what you're talking about.
    Seven: Obviously you've suggested a visit to the holodeck in the hopes of creating a romantic mood. Are you in love with me, Ensign?
    Kim: Well, no.
    Seven: Then you wish to copulate?
    Kim: No! I mean, I, I don't know what I mean.
    Seven: All of these elaborate rituals of deception. I didn't realize becoming human again would be such a challenge. Sexuality is particularly complex. As Borg we had no need for seduction, no time for single cell fertilization. We saw a species we wanted and we assimilated it. Nevertheless, I am willing to explore my humanity. Take off your clothes.
    Kim: Er, Seven.
    Seven: Don't be alarmed. I won't hurt you.
  • In the otherwise creepy episode "Scientific Method" we have:
    • Tom and B'Elanna passionately making out at a semi-secluded engineering workstation. B'Elanna says she feels like she's being watched, Tom says she's paranoid, and back in the teaser this was because the alien scientists were monitoring them. This time it's because Tuvok has arrived.
    • Janeway is frustrated with all the fooling around on the ship, and tells Tuvok to straighten everyone up. His response?
    Tuvok: Shall I flog them as well?
    • After Chakotay is prematurely aged and Neelix is turned into a Myleean (dialated pupils, fused spinal column) they sit on a biobed and try to one-up each other with complaints like a pair of old men.
    • Janeway's facial expressions as the Doctor gives her an overly vigorous massage.
    EMH: You work absurdly long hours under constant stress, eating on the run, without sufficient exercise or rest. Your body is crying out for mercy.
    (Works his elbow into Janeway's back, which gives a Sickening Crunch)
    Janeway: It certainly is right now!
  • "Message in a Bottle". Take any pick of EMH Mk II and the Doctor's interaction, especially the one when they talk about sex, and Mk II's lament.
    • Don't forget this one.
      Computer: specify attack pattern.
      Mark I: Attack pattern... (thinks for a sec)... Alpha?
      Computer: State target.
      Both EMHs: ROMULANS!
    • Yep, and these ones:
      Mark I: Stop breathing down my neck!
      Mark II: My breathing is merely a simulation.
      Mark I: So's my neck, stop it anyway!

      Mark I: You hit the wrong ship!
      Mark II: It wasn't my fault!
      Mark I: WELL WHOSE FAULT WAS IT THEN, THE TORPEDO'S? You're supposed to tell it what to do!

      Mark II: What are they doing?!
      Mark I: Firing on us!
      Mark II: They must think there are Romulans on board!
      Mark I: THEY'RE RIGHT!!
    • The same episode also gave us Seven knocking a belligerent alien unconscious with an electrical shock. She explains:
      Seven: He was not responding to diplomacy.
  • EMH to Neelix when they're being dragged into a battle by Klingons: "You heard the man, run along. I'll reattach any severed limbs, just don't misplace them." Then the Doc gets dragged along with them.
    Holo Klingon: Qapla!
    Neelix: ...Qapla...
    Doc: (waving a knife) Tally-ho.
  • In "The Omega Directive," when Seven of Nine is put in charge of a project and proceeds to give everyone Borg designations.
    Seven: Six of Ten, this is not your assignment.
    Kim: Please, stop calling me that.
    Seven: You are compromising our productivity. I am reassigning you to chamber maintenance. Your new designation is Two of Ten.
    Kim: Wait a minute, you're demoting me?
  • Janeway's admission of the importance of coffee in "Hunters."
    Janeway: I beat the Borg with it.

    Season 5 
  • Tom tries to get Seven involved in his Captain Proton simulation, as mentioned above. He opts to give her the role of Constance Goodheart, Captain Proton's secretary. When faced with Satan's Robot, the scripted response from Constance is to scream. A lot. Seven marches up to it and rips out its wiring, shutting it down.
    Satan's Robot: Citizen of Earth! Surrender! Do not resist!
    Seven: I am Borg. (nonchalantly opens its chest panel and rips out its wiring)
    Satan's Robot: Surrennnnnderrrrrrr... (shuts down)
    Seven: The robot has been neutralised. May I leave now?
    Tom: Come on Seven, give it a chance! The galaxy's at stake.
    • The way that the robot's arms concertina to the ground as it shuts down just makes the whole scene.
  • Drunk Seven in "Timeless"
  • In "Infinite Regression," Jeri Ryan's Ferengi impression.
  • In "Counterpoint", we have an alien who puffs his nose when he gets agitated. What really sells it is Mulgrew's reaction.
  • "Bride of Chaotica". Watching the crew play around in a sci-fi serial from the 1930's is funny enough, but there are two lines in that episode that take the cake. When Tom Paris is explaining to the senior staff how to stop Chaotica, he says, completely serious, "The Destructo-Beam on my rocket ship can disable the Death Ray, but only if someone gets inside the Fortress of Doom and can shut down the Lightning Shield." When Janeway starts questioning the ridiculousness of this,
    Captain: Let me get this straight, transdimensional aliens have mistaken your Captain Proton simulation for reality?
    Paris: Yes ma'am.
    Captain: And now an armed conflict has broken out between these aliens and Chaotica's holographic army?
    Paris: (completely deadpan) Yes ma'am. His army of evil.
    • When Tom recommends that someone take on the role of Queen Arachnia, Janeway sarcastically asks who he had in mind, at which point she and all of the other officers in the room turn to look at Seven. A couple moments pass, and then Janeway turns back around to see that Tom is looking straight at her.
      • She's even laughing at the thought of Seven as Arachnia, and the second she sees that Tom's looking at HER, her face just DROPS.
    • "See you at the Fortress of Doom! And remember. You're the Queen!"
    • Any and all instances of the magnificent Large Ham that is Doctor Chaotica.
      FoooooOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLL!!!! You will pay for your inCOMpetence!!
      • Later on, Janeway gets into the spirit of the thing and really hams it up, delightfully yelling, "HA! You're no match for Arachnia!"
    • Before she even gets to the role of Arachnia, there's a beautiful moment that very much sums up her relationship with coffee.
      (Janeway enters the Mess Hall)
      Janeway: Coffee, black.
      Neelix: Sorry, Captain. We lost two more replicators this morning-
      Janeway: Listen to me very carefully because I'm only going to say this once. Coffee, black.
      Neelix: Yes, ma'am. Coffee, black. (pours a cup) While I've got your attention, there are- (Janeway holds up a hand)
      Janeway: Coffee first. (proceeds to take a big gulp) Now what's the problem?
    • The charmingly retro 1940s Scifi monster that is Satan's Robot. Cheesy? Yes. Generic? Totally. Hilarious? Most definitely.
      Satan's Robot: Invaders, Invader-
      Paris: (exasperated, bangs his phaser into the robots face with a clang) Quiet!
      Satan's Robot: (sounding subdued and downtrodden) Invaders...
    • The Comically Serious Tuvok's take on the Death Ray, notable because even Chakotay and Seven visibly bust up laughing in the background.
      PARIS: Well, he's been attacking the aliens with his Death Ray.
      TUVOK: It's a shame we don't have one.
  • Tom "rescuing" Harry from being "tortured" by the Delaney Sisters in a Captain Proton hologram. Really, he's not complaining about the mind probe.
  • Torres discovering Seven has been keeping notes on her and Paris' love life.
    Torres: How the hell do you know when we're having "intimate relations"?!
    Seven: (deadpan) There is no one on Deck 9, Section 12 who doesn't know when you are having intimate relations.
  • During a ping pong tournament in the Mess Hall, the ball abruptly pauses in midair. The crew begin checking it out with tricorders and staring at it. It then resumes moving... And Neelix marks down the point on his PADD.

    Season 6 
  • Voyager has just escaped an alien attack in the season premiere, and casualties are pouring into Sickbay. When they activate the Doctor...note 
    Doctor: Please state the nature of... (sees all the injured crew surrounding him) Don't bother.
  • Many moments in "Tinker Tenor Doctor Spy", but a special mention goes to the Doctor's aria in the teaser and the briefing room scene.
    • "Tu-vok, I un-der-stand/You are a Vul-can man..." Also Crowning Music of Awesome.
    • Also in that episode, some of the crew, including Seven, enter the Doctor's daydream to discover that he's imagining doing a nude portrait of Seven. Janeway just looks at the picture and finally observes that "he does the hands very well." (Likely a Call Back joke to the "hands of a surgeon" joke on DS9)
    • The computer in the Doctor's daydreams (voiced by Majel Barret, as usual) gets in some good lines, too:
      Warning: Warp core breach a lot sooner than you think.
      Warning: Last chance to be a hero, Doctor. Get going!
  • "Blink of an Eye": The Doctor beams down to observe the planet around which Voyager is in orbit. He's supposed to be gone 3 seconds (2 days local time, but instead gets trapped for 3 years local. When he's returned, he practically tackles Janeway in joy at seeing her again.
    • Later, he meets an astronaut from the planet and talks sports like a modern day football fan.
  • Dr Zimmerman is griping about how the EMH keeps trying to diagnose his illness, while receiving a soothing massage from a holographic Elloran female, who then covertly takes out a tricorder and starts to scan him.
    Zimmerman: (realizes something) Computer, realign Voyager's EMH.
    Doctor: (smiles sheepishly as he returns to normal)
    Zimmerman: YOU!!
    • The Doctor and Zimmerman are both so abrasive that they drive the normally calm and understanding Deanna Troi to snap. "You're both jerks!"

    Season 7 
  • Voyager has entered a race, which becomes troubled an act of sabotage. The official offers Voyager a chance to back out.
    Janeway: Last I checked, we were winning.
  • Torres pointing out to Paris how ridiculous it is for him to make a 3D movie theater on the holodeck, using a system that can make genuine three dimensional images to create the illusion of such.
  • In "Critical Care" the crew have to track down the Doctor's kidnapper. They ask a lady who dated (sort of) the kidnapper and she accuses Janeway of wanting the man for herself. Instead of trying to convince the woman of the truth, she grabs Tuvok's hand and says, "I already have a man." Tuvok looks as uncomfortable as a Vulcan can be. AND IT IS HILARIOUS.
  • Pretty much every moment when The Doc is stuck in Seven's body in "Body and Soul".
  • In the episode "Nightingale", Icheb, inexperienced at relationships, especially romantic ones, thinks that B'Elanna might be expressing interest in him, despite being married. In perhaps the worst bit of reasoning possible, he asks the Doctor for advice on how to determine if someone is interested in someone else romantically. The Doctor gives very little useful information, and cites some biological symptoms of sexual attraction. Later, when working with B'Elanna in the tight confines of the Jeffries Tube, she uses Icheb's shoulder to lean on as she reaches up to access a system. He whips out his tricorder (not a euphemism) and scans her. The results (which presumably match the Doctor's suggested symptoms) cause his eyes to widen comically and he gets an almost terrified look on his face. Later Paris makes a friendly offer that Icheb join him in his race car program on the holodeck, which Icheb misinterprets as a human variation of a Klingon's mate challenging a romantic rival. Icheb quickly goes to "break up" with a confused B'Elanna.
  • Neelix of all people Boldly Coming with a female Klingon. Complete with bite marks and bruises.
    Neelix: I'm really gonna miss her...
    • Even better: They went full Destructo-Nookie in Tuvok's quarters, leaving them in utter chaos. Tuvok is then visibly struggling to uphold his Vulcan stoicim while he is telling Neelix to get out...
  • In "Q2", Janeway tells Q he needs to spend more time with his son to rein in said son and Q thinks this is a great idea. He kisses Janeway full on the mouth and disappears. The expression of shock and disbelief on her face has to be seen to be believed. Here, have a look.
    Janeway: (to replicator) Coffee. Black.
    Computer: Make it yourself.
  • Tom Paris rewrites the Doctor's holonovel in "Author, Author".
    "You are about to embark upon a remarkable journey. You will take on the role of a medical assistant aboard the starship Voyeur. Your job will be to assist the Chief Medical Officer and learn to tolerate his overbearing behaviour and obnoxious bedside manner. Remember, patience is a virtue!"
  • In the episode "Shattered", the last time we see the Captain Proton holonovel, Chakotay and a time displaced season 1 Janeway (due to the Timey-Wimey Ball) get caught by Doctor Chaotica and his henchmen. Past!Janeway can't seem to decide if she's confused or exasperated, all the while Chakotay's enjoying himself way to much while still managing to keep a straight face.
    Janeway: If we restore the timeline remind me to cancel Mr. Paris's holodeck privileges.
    • Her eyeroll as they convince Chaotica to help them is the perfect cap to the entire scene.
  • "Endgame": The future Paris on the Doctor finally choosing a name:
    Paris: Joe? It took you 33 years to come up with Joe?