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An Incorrect Summary of Metal Gear Rising Part 1

Part 1

Max0r: Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance is not a word in the dictionary. It's also one of my favorite games (besides Genshin Impact). Created as a spinoff to the critically acclaimed Metal Queer Solid 4: Guns of the Pirates^note, we are cast as Raiden^note, whose resumé involves fighting The Illuminaughty and a bisexual vampire, trading off slow stealth gameplay and conference calls of an unspecified duration for pulse-pounding action gameplay, unique cutting mechanics, and the stupidest plot of any game since... the last one^note. You know, the one where Headache Kojingles puts his protagonist in a microwave. Now caught in a worldwide conspiracy headed by an evil and destructive empire called the United States^note, it's up to us to stop Senator Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson from becoming black, fight cyborg dinosaurs controlled by orphans, and fight a series of extremely online YouTube Personas 4, such as Jacked Bezos (Sundowner),^note the Nintendo Virtual Boy (Monsoon), and Markiplier (Jetstream Sam).
Markiplier: I'm gonna come find you. [jumps towards the camera to punch out the viewer]
"Set to the tunes of a hardcore rock soundtrack made by the world-famous Toontown Online composer^note for the express purpose of killing anyone above 40, and to complete our journey, we will have to resort to unrestricted brutality, cutting and slicing our enemies like a human-sized Slap Chop in between the nature of conflict, the morality of separating families the hard way, and memes. They made Twitter into a plot point. So if that interests you, feel free to join me as we dive headlong into the wonderful madness of Metal Gear Rising: Reven-ge-ance, and the voice is now activated."

—Max0r's introduction to Metal Gear Rising

Chapter 1: The Suffering of Obama

"So we boot up the game, but it doesn't support high resolutions. To fix this, we head to NeoGAF and download a virus. Now I can do any resolution^note. What amazing gameplay.^note Our story begins in the 2009 color scheme, with our hero Raiden protecting President Barfsack O'Crumbo. He's touring his birthplace of Kenya."

—Max0r's opening statements to The Suffering of Obama

N'Mani/Obama: I'm, uh, President United States Obama.
Raiden: Mr. President, you have dementia.
N'Mani: Uhh... Drone-strike the wedding.^note
Raiden: That can be arranged. [Vine boom SFX]
N'Mani's Advisor: What the fuck was that?
Courtney Collins: Insurance fraud.

Sam: Why hello there, would you care to see my RGB lighting?
[draws the Murasama, whose blade is indeed RGB-lit]
Sam: I spent $3,000.
Maverick gunner: Sir, this is a Wendy's.
Sam: Oh... I'll just have to give you a demonstration then.
[Sam dices up the gunner]
Courtney Collins: Oh shit he's got RGB's. Let's get the fuck out.
Sam: I guess you could say he's half the man he once was.
JETSTREAM SAM
Internet Connoisseur

N'Mani/Obama: Uh, my name is Obama, I have, uh, shit my doodoo ass.
Raiden: Don't worry Obama. I'll protect you from this sidewalk.

"Ladies and gentlemen. I'd like to introduce you to the first enemy in the game."
[Raiden slices a soldier up]
"Now he's the first one hundred enemies in the game. This is the standout feature of Metal Gear Rising: the ability to cut anything. And I do mean anything: nature, humans, telepathic traffic poles, a family of four, and even staircases that are required to progress the game. I— I think that's an oversight..."

—Max0r introducing Blade Mode

Max0r: "This was groundbreaking stuff for the PS3. Use it to hit weak points, confuse your enemies and prevent them from attacking, or accelerate deforestation."
[Raiden chops up a tree]
Boris: What are you doing Raiden?
Max0r: "Most animals deserve to be extinct."

Gemini 1: Where the fuck is Raiden?
Gemini 2: Hang on, I think I'm hearing, uh, boss music...
(Metal Gear RAY jumps from the ocean as Bury the Light plays in the background)
METAL GEAR VERGIL
A robot denied his tax fraud
Max0r: My game crashed. (It actually crashed here.) I'm just gonna, uh, run past everyone.

N'Mani/Obama: Uh, Joe Biden? Please help me pass the healthcare.
Sundowner: Healthcare you say? I'm a specialist! Ha, a new customer!
[Sundowner joins his blades into a giant set of scissors]^note
Sundowner: Let's hope ObamaCare covers euthanasia.

—Sundowner, making his entrance by dismembering, decapitating and defeating the Gemini bodyguards.

N'Mani/Obama: My name is Obama, I uh-
Sundowner: Shut up!

—Sundowner kidnapping N'Mani/Obama

Raiden: Stop right there! Put down President Bumcrack Osama!
Sundowner: Ha, I'll put him down, alright. But no... I have a giant robot!
Metal Gear VERGIL: FEDERAL AGENT SPOTTED. INITIATING.
Raiden: Why didn't I see that?

Max0r: Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce you to the tutorial boss. We're currently undergoing a learning experience. The one you can only get with a giant laser. This is maybe the best game ever made. And although the gameplay is "a little simple", the sheer scale makes me feel empowered and quite intimidated. It's just a wonderful way to do it when you don't look like a cracked-up rooster. Of course there's no need to worry, because Raiden is fucking Jacked.^note
Mission, accomplished.

—Max0r narrating the Metal Gear RAY battle

Sundowner/Buff Bezos:Your Prime has expired, Raiden, and so has his life.
[Sundowner impales N'mani/Obama through the chest as the Taco Bell "bong" sound plays.]
Raiden: Nice.

Max0r: It's time for the next "boss fight." I say that sarcastically because most people would classify it as a fucking suicide. I'm surprised this is on the train instead of in front of it.
Sam: Face it, Jack, you can't even hold a sword.
[Sam closes the distance and slices out Raiden's left eye]
Raiden: What the fuck is a sword?
Sam: I can give you a demonstration, but first, what's your favourite hand?
Raiden: Well, my left-
Sam: Great.
[Sam cuts off Raiden's left arm]
Sam: I'm about to level up, Jack, and you look like just enough XP—
[is shot at by Boris]
Sam: oh fuck he's useigsn bue4lts^note

Chapter 2: The Russian Connection

Raiden: Colonel, I'm trying to fly around, but the clap of my ass cheeks keeps alerting--
Doktor: Raiden, I'm playing Genshin Impact...
DOKTOR OCTOPUS
she camed amogusly down the stairs
Doktor: ...But I've run out of credit card debt to purchase Ganyu. So if you can, can you lend me, uh, a hand? I— I will surely stop collecting them!
Boris: You have a problem...

"So after the roughest plane ride since Delta, we head to a third-world shithole known as Russia to find the men who killed President Bumsack o'Chungus and put an end to their illegal razor blade factory."

—Max0r summarizing the first mission of the game

Max0r: Finally equipped with his new customizable gamer mouse body, Raiden begins his journey by encountering three helpless victims, knocking them to the air and scooping out their spines like fucking ice cream. You see, this is actually our primary method of healing, since every spine is filled to the brim with delicious electrolytes. This is the actual term used in the game. Just like American football, the soldiers of the future are fueled by Gatorade. We, however, are fueled by violence.

—Max0r explaining how healing works

Blade Wolf: Known sex offender spotted.
[Raiden falls out the side of a building and gets ambushed by Blade Wolf ^note
Blade Wolf: WHAT THE DOG DOIN- ow.
Raiden: What the fuck is a dog?
Blade Wolf: You are such a fucking philistine, Raiden.
Raiden: Wait, how do you know my name?
Blade Wolf: I am pre-programmed with knowledge of EVERYONE.
Raiden: Oh yeah?
Blade Wolf: Yes.
Raiden: Who's your owner then, little dog?
Blade Wolf: The NSA. But my handler is a white woman.
Raiden: Damn, that's rough.
Blade Wolf: I will never eat peanut butter ever again.

—Blade Wolf's first introduction to Raiden

"For our next battle, we have Blade Wolf—Jesus—and let me say, if you don't know how to parry more than one attack, it's, um, time to learn. I don't know what attack this is. (Blade Wolf slices up Raiden with his chainsaw tail) Fortunately, Blade Wolf will stop yiffing and call in Meals on Wheels which allows us to partake of the Gatorade Eucharist. Now with the power of Jesus in our veins, we donate Blade Wolf to a kill shelter, and then he monologues."

—Max0r narrating the Blade Wolf fight

Dolzaev: I've been moderating your Twitch for months! And you never told me you have a boyfriend!
Mistral: Who are you?
Dolzaev: Oh my god, she spoke to me...

—Mistral's introduction

Raiden: Oh my God, it's a woman. (she suddenly turns to face him) Please stop that.
Mistral: I've been waiting for you, Raiden.
twitch.tv/algerianQueen
Raiden: Uunnh!
Mistral: Shoutout to BigChungus29 for the donation.
Raiden: Please stay back.
Mistral: Sorry, Jack, but my stream demands you DIE. [crushes a Dwarf Gekko underneath her foot]
Raiden: God, I wish that was me.
Mistral: That can be arranged~.

"Welcome to the world's first boss fight, where the battle is against your own controller. (Raiden gets attacked by dwarf gekkos) Provided of course, that I don't throw that shit against a wall. In this confrontation, we fight the dark-skinned tomboy GF that I've always dreamed of, juggling and slaughtering several varieties of jihadist Bakugan. If I were forced to describe the experience, it would be poggers, or perhaps pepega, especially after Raiden achieves the miracle of flight. When you fire the animators. But despite some of the occasional frustration, this battle is one of the best. Plus, I uh... I like it when women hit me."
[The rest of the battle is set to "A Stranger I Remain" until Raiden gets Mistral frozen in liquid nitrogen, then shatters her into pieces.]
Yeah, that's some cool theme music, bitch.

—Max0r narrating the battle against Mistral

Dolzaev: My stream! It's—it's gone offline! You are truly weirdchamp!
Raiden: Is that a bad thing?
Dolzaev: You make me want to kill myself faster. But no matter. With my death, you will never find our SECRET BASE at 29th Ave. Mexico City!
Raiden: What the fuck?
Dolzaev: These are the coordinates.
[Dolzaev blows himself up along with the oil tank he was on, blowing Raiden away]
Raiden: Goddamn, I'm turned on.
Boris: Raiden, we need to pick you up. What's your location?
Raiden: I'm... I'm in a Chinese factory.

—The conclusion of the Mistral battle

"Now equipped with a solid lead for his Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance (2013) video game, it's up to Sonic the Edgehog to make his way to the city of Mexico,^note complete with his 50 lbs of smuggled cocaine^note and a stolen Mercedes."

—Max0r takes a nice little trip to Mexico

Chapter 3: Breaking Bad

Kevin: Raiden, a-are you wearing a sombrero?
Raiden: It's my disguise. I'm trying to blend in.
Kevin: You are trying to give me a fucking brain aneurysm.
Blade Wolf: Your destination is on the right.
(Raiden's car stops with a Vine boom. When he gets out of the car, he's in the Sombrero disguise which does nothing to help him blend into Mexico. One citizen is practically shocked at his appearance)
Max0r: Now it's time for Raiden and his small pitbull to make their descent into Fallout 3.

—Max0r showing off Raiden's "clever disguise"

"Hey, what's up gamers, Max0r here, and today we're gonna be questioning why Blade Wolf is packing an entire bakery. Better keep playing the game to bleach my eyes."

—Max0r

"What's up gamers? It's Max0r here, and today we're being beat to death by a gorilla. Make sure to like, comment, and subscribe."

Chapter 4: Family Guy Funny Moments

Max0r: So, at least 9 seconds happen, and Ride Inside is driving to Hell, all the while taking his eyes off the road with some CNN.
Raiden: Oh, sweet! My programming is on!
[Super Idol Spongebob plays in the car]
Raiden: You know, America isn't so bad after all. After being in Mexico for so long, I'm starting to miss how peaceful it can be, especially the police.
[a police officer suddenly shoots at Raiden and swerves into him]

—Raiden's entry into Denver after the Mexican Sewer Level

Max0r: Raiden evades the evil forces of Big Sobriety as they attempt to suppress another innocent drunk driver, careening through the nightmare known as Denver before encountering the police budget. (a police officer shoots Raiden's car with a rocket launcher, flipping it over) And showing off his... (Raiden kicks out the driver's side window) toned legs.
Captain: Wait a second, boys. He's white.
Raiden: I'm sorry, officer. I was so busy playing League of Legends.
Captain: All right, I've heard enough. Deadly force authorized. [all the cops prepare their stun batons]
Raiden: Oh fuck.

Jetstream Sam: What's up, gamers?
Raiden: Goddamn it.
Sam: Let me tell you something important, Raiden. You're a normie, and a beta male cuck.
Raiden: I'm only here to dispense justice.
Sam: That's CRINGE Jack, and your setup is weak. You can't even project yourself onto a building, or a billboard.
Raiden: Your clout doesn't mean anything. It's worthless.
Sam: Cope and seethe, Jack. Why don't you go back to Facebook and post some Minion memes?^{The memes, Jack!}
Raiden: No, that's not the point!
Sam: Do you see now? All this murder and you still aren't based.
Raiden: You bastard.
Sam: Shut. The fuck up, and listen for a moment.
Cop 1: [Oh my god, it's the cringe nae nae baby.]
Cop 2: Stop right there. [wtf is wrong with his hair?]
Raiden: What are you doing?
Cop 1: [He looks like Sonic impregnated a vending machine.]
Raiden: No! Stop it!
Cop 2: [He even has a fake chin!
[Raiden gets knocked down by the two cops]
Sam: Do you see now, Jack? How can a cringelord like you ever hope to kill my police officers?
[Raiden proceeds to slaughter several officers]
Sam: Oh fuck.

Monsoon: (real in-game dialogue) Free will is a myth. Religion is a joke. We're all pawns controlled by something greater. Memes. (Seriously) The DNA of the soul. They are our culture. Our clout.
Raiden: How about full of shit, is that a meme?
Monsoon: No it fucking isn't, you amoeba. You'll never be based with memes like that.
Raiden: You're right. About me, I mean.
Monsoon: What?
Raiden: I thought I could be just like you, but... That is a mistake. Perhaps I am cringe, but that makes me free!
Monsoon: That's sus!
[a soldier impales Raiden]
Raiden: Doktor, turn off my Cringe Inhibitors!
Doktor: But Raiden, you'll lose subscriber.
Raiden: Do it!
Doktor: Ok. [Raiden's Ripper Mode is unlocked]
Raiden: Aaah, I was fucking joking! Why did you do it?!
Monsoon: You think you can just log off, Jack?
Raiden: I'm starting to see what you're getting at. And if based means what I think it means, then caring about your shitty posts is a long way off!
Monsoon: That's rich coming from the likes of you.
Raiden: Family Guy Funny Moments.

"In this boss fight against the Monsus Battle Bus, Raiden rages against the moral degeneracy of violence in movies and sex on TV, using his good old fashioned values upon which he used to rely. During which we are subjected to an onslaught of average speed... for a cheetah, demanding the absolute most of the player to survive the Human Spaghetti. So if you thought Blade Wolf was a real fun boss to parry, then I've got news for you. We've got more edge in this fight than Bloodborne on the PlayStation 1. Monsoon can fucking teleport, he throws helicopters for fun, and his preferred method of dodging is self-bisection. He knows he's three edges away from being a Sonic OC, and you know what? I fucking dig it."

—Max0r on the Monsoon boss fight

Max0r: Thank you, thank you. I spent 4 days editing that. Now excuse me while I take this call.
Monsoon: The memes.
Raiden: You are decapitated. Don't worry; it's just a little trolling. Right? (:
Monsoon: Do not repost my memes back at me.
Raiden: Oh I wouldn't worry about that, (real in-game dialogue) because your memes end here.

An Incorrect Summary of Metal Gear Rising Part 2

Part 2 | Sons of Obesity

"Metal Gear Rising: Sons of Delivery and DiGiorno is my favourite political and economic simulator, well intended to teach the player the basics of price slashing and how to best divide the country as quickly as possible. The answer, of course, is manually. In this visually engaging stock market index, we play as Jack the Wood Chipper, a man (probably) on a quest to renew the job market one life at a time. So if you've seen Part 1 of my philosophically charged essay on the deep and interesting Metal Gear lore (which I totally understand), then welcome back. And if you're viewing this series for the first time, well that's technically okay. You're just gonna be more confused than an American at a salad bar."

—Max0r's introduction to Metal Gear Rising Part 2

Chapter 1: Amazon HQ

Max0r: Last time on Metal Gear Raisin: Guns of the Priests...
[The entire previous video plays in the span of about two seconds]
Max0r: But, as for now, our protagonist Raiden With Biden is forced to argue with a decapitated head about memes. That's not made up. I know the rest is made up, but that's genui-
Monsoon: Apple bottom jeans, Raiden.
Raiden: What?
Monsoon: Boots with the fur.

^noteFresh off his adventures to the Orange Dimension,^note and the insides of American police, it's up to our hero to avenge Obama's death through the slaughter of the unmelinated, learning the meaning of based. Through many trials, tribulations, and his guest seat at the Joe Rogan podcast, finally finding himself at the entrance to Amazon Warehouses (World Marshal) with manageable stab wounds.

—Max0r detailing Raiden preparing to storm Amazon, aka World Marshal

Max0r: Oh golly oh gee oh Gillibrand

, I can't wait to see what the game has in store for me now after those long combat arenas. (Raiden is confronted by BD Mistral with a snippet of Megalovania) What? So I want everyone to meet my cool and original boss design named Mistral. This is essentially what the Patriots were doing the entire time. AI Dennis Prager was a distraction. These fuckers were synthesizing vTubers, so now we're forced to fight their robotic fleshlight and her huge testicles. This battle serves as a great moment to see just how far you've come as a player, both in ability and tolerance for the best game mechanic. Don't worry though, I'm still very bad. (BD Mistral whips Raiden up and down killing him during one of the failed attempts) Thank god that shit's over. Now we can move on—
BD Monsoon: Hello Raiden!
Max0r: Goddamn it! Really bold move making me fight Monsoon again after twenty minutes. And yeah, that includes the pants attack. Fucking Skeletron Prime looking ass.
BD Monsoon: I guess you could say a good meme never dies, Jack!
Max0r: God please take me out of this hellhole. I've had enough memes today. Look it's Shadow and he's, uh, nice cock! (The final rating for the battle is A) Pretend you didn't see anything today.

—Max0r narrating the BD Mistral/Monsoon Boss Rush

Sundowner/Buff Bezos: Well well well, if it ain't the Feds.
Raiden: Unhand these brains, Jeff. They're children.
Sundowner: And kids are cruel, Jack. They just lose touch with it at the ripe old age of twelve.
Raiden: Wait, what?
Sundowner: "War crime" this, "can't eat the drywall" that. Microwaving mice is wrong, they say.
Raiden: What the fuck?
Sundowner: (pulls one of the brains out) Not to worry. Kids love video games. That's why I got 'em all set up spinning the wheel on my favorite gacha games. How else is a man supposed to make his... impact~?
Raiden: You refrigerated a preschool for fucking jpegs?
Sundowner: Heh heh heh heh. You think I made the market for Ganyu, Jack? Like every casino's just a big old conspiracy? Bullshit! Gambling's just a part of who we are. I just market it to sexy children. Besides, demand for my products is about to skyrocket. (Real in-game dialogue) Like the good old days after 9-11!
Raiden: Wait a minute. 9/11 is bad.
Sundowner: Speak for yourself. Let's debate this on the roof.

Sundowner: Looks like you're a gacha player at heart.
Raiden: Is that because of my brain damage?
Sundowner: No, it's because you go after children. And there ain't enough room in this pre-school for the two of us.
[Sundowner's "woman deflectors" activate]
Sundowner: Like I said - kids are cruel, Jack. And I love minors!

"Welcome to- to... the bastard. Featuring his tax shield. This battle is comprised of two distinct distinct phases, each one easier than the last. And for some reason, a helicopter. Go-go gadget, concealed carry. In his first phase, we simulate beating to death a cheeky goblin using money to compensate for his lack of human empathy

. And by the second phase, it's quite obvious why he does it. This means it's up to us to cut each shield individually so we can play the game. And yes, you explode when you miss. Not only this, but his health is the length of a Cambodian life. In 1977

. Meaning once you get past that, the fight is basically over. In fact, it's quite easy to not get past his shields, ever, and straight up kill him the funnular entertainament way featuring Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bong Sorority. But if you do this, you're basically annihilating all enjoyment from orbit. I personally recommend standing there and waiting for Jeff to- er, present. So enjoy that second phase while you can, because this music

is a gift from God."

— Max0r narrating the Sundowner boss fight

Chapter 2

Blade Wolf: Oh so NOW you decide to stop.
Raiden: I'm running late.
Jetstream Sam: Oh don't worry, Raiden. The clown college is closer than you think.
Raiden: Yeah, it's right in front of me.
Sam: Heh heh heh heh. Kill yourself. Your ass will always be cringe, and my ass will always be thicc.
Raiden: 497 North Parker Drive.
Sam: Oh good, heh heh. You're getting more based by the day. But I live with my mother.
Blade Wolf: Is this her house?
(Blade Wolf shows a picture of Sam's mother's house. Raiden and Sam draw their swords, preparing to fight.)

Max0r: In this duel between two equally matched swordsmen of various speeds, it's up to us to defeat the weakest Brazilian male. This guy's out here making the rainforest look like a fucking joke, and the best part is there's no bullshit in this fight. No minions, no shields, no Monsoon telling me about fucking Among Us. It's just you, the sunset and the soil. This is the best boss ever holy shit. Raiden disarms Wham Slam Bam Sam which causes him to lose his McFucking marbles and somehow make the fight harder. I mean he straight up punches you like he's a goddamn yakuza.
Sam: Hey Raiden! Look at this cool bug I found! (Sam grabs Raiden and plants him into the ground) Oh, Raiden. No need to flip out! (Sam judo throws him over his shoulder)
Max0r: Dude's got thunder thighs bigger than the power grid. Sam will test every single neuron in your corpus callosum with unrelenting and dangerous attacks strong enough to burn a hole in my Adderall supply. It's not a drug problem, it's a drug solution. And that is just phase one. God help you when he picks up that sword again.

—Max0r narrating the Jetstream Sam duel

Sam: Guess I don't have a choice... I challenge you to a debate.
Raiden: What the fuck? No.
[Sam "dies of cringe" while the Super Mario Sunshine death music plays]

"So Raiden goes to inspect his kill like a cat, only to realize that he has no cybernetic enhancement.^note This man dunked on Raiden harder than Kobe after (Raiden) threw an EVA unit, and he did it by juicing. Raiden steals his Clifford the big red sword with a five-star gacha rarity and 33% crit rate. (Raiden begins running towards the air base) Raiden, you have a motorcycle. Why are you sprinting there?"

—Max0r summing up the aftermath of the Jetstream Sam fight

Chapter 3: They Took Afghanistan. Can't Have Shit in Detroit

"You might notice something funny about this level. It's um... it's three rooms. The developers fucking gave up, so... so do I. Raiden plays the real game until he meets the cast of iCarly. Our whole universe was in a hot dense state when nearly 14 million years ago, Raiden discovers his dog after being made into a Family Guy episode."

— Max0r narrating over the game's penultimate mission

[Metal Gear EXCELSUS's Idolmaster music plays.]
Raiden: What the fuck?
Armstrong: Nothing. Well if it isn't sussy Jack (has a mental breakdown).
Raiden: Bro are you high?
Armstrong: Let me check. Yes. High on American spirit. And there's nothing more American (has a mental breakdown).

Armstrong: And there's nothing more American than shooting a man in this Walmart of a world.
Raiden: What is Walmart?
Armstrong: It's heaven Raiden. (Real in-game dialogue) Check the internet lately?
Boris: Raiden, hop on Twitter. You need to see this.
Raiden: Fuck, I hate this website.
"I physically cannot stop myself from spending my life's savings on Genshin Impact"
"My dick is absolutely fucking RAW for Suisei I will die soon."
"Please have a lot of sex with me Kiryu Coco"
"selling vtuber feet pic cryptocurrency today"
Boris: It's all fucking weebshit, Raiden! It doesn't make any sense! They're being distracted with utter nonsense!
Armstrong: These baboons don't even know they're at war with Pakistan.
Raiden: This one's calling me a "Redditor".
Armstrong: And that's just the beginning. E-girls, gacha, memes, all just petty distractions so real men can get down to business.
Raiden: Amogus.
Armstrong: And as you know, American Imperialism is absolutely justified because we had a black President once. Before I fucking killed him.
Raiden: That's a nice argument, Senator. Why don't you back it up with a source?
Armstrong: My source is that I made it the fuck up. Imagine a world free of cancel culture. Where no one can call me out for my outlandish claims. A world where I can say the N-word!
[Beat]
Raiden: What?
Armstrong: (Ever harassed a minority Raiden)?
Raiden: No.
Armstrong: Catch.
(Armstrong throws his cigar at Raiden which he slashes away)
Armstrong: I've got my own to debate online.
me preparing to harass the minorities who live in my computer
Illuminati

theme
IM GAMEING
SHUT UP MOM

In this battle against Microsoft Excel, we are faced with a boss too large to be fun and are relegated to enduring his onslaught from inside of the forever box. This battle is a classic case of "wait for him to do anything," just like Congress. And like Congress, when he does do something, it usually hurts you. (Raiden gets stomped on and killed by Excelsus) Fortunately this music is excellent and fits 1:1 with "All I Want for Christmas." (Collective Consciousness is played to the tune of All I Want For Christmas) I'm not joking. Although for some reason, Raiden can parry several tons of crush force™. Maybe my sister could've done that against my stepdad.^note Raiden suplexes the giant lobster for the second time today, then he yanks off his arm to have a... (Raiden gets into a Blade Lock with Excelsus) sword fight with it. Every other game is now worse because they don't have this.

—Max0r narrating the Metal Gear EXCELSUS battle

Armstrong: Hope you can afford healthcare, Raiden, 'cause the taxpayer can't!
(Armstrong sends Raiden flying and screaming)
Max0r: It's funny because thousands of people die.
Armstrong: (Real in-game dialogue) Don't fuck with THIS Senator!
(kicks Raiden into the EXCELSUS cockpit pod as cheering is heard)
This cheering is part of the original in-game audio.

Raiden: Typical politician. All cock, but no cum.
Armstrong: What?
Raiden: Land of Opportunity? American Dream? It's all bullshit! The success of a nation is determined by materialistic and socioeconomic factors. Read a fucking book!
Armstrong: Heh heh. The truth, then. Us politicians aren't so trustworthy. We'll steal, make shit up, even lie to our voters.
Raiden: That's crazy!
Armstrong: I know, it's very hard to believe. But that's just what the USA is all about, Jack. Not hiding our theft and murder, but embracing it. Whether it's votes. Whether it's money. Especially money. Fuck all these limp dick YouTubers and chicken shit Redditors. Fuck this 24/7 Internet spew of Discord and Vtuber BULLSHIT! I'm gonna build a new future, Jack. One where we won't have to hide our stealing from anyone. And for that, I want you by my side. To build a world truly free from the consequences of our actions. Just like the Founding Fathers intended. What do you say, Raiden? Why not try to say it? Just once.
Raiden: I was wrong about you, Senator. You're not cringe. You're just fucking racist!
(every sound effect at once)
Armstrong: Goddamn it! (he punches the ground in anger) (Real in-game dialogue) We're making the mother of all omelettes here, Jack. Can't fret over every egg!
Raiden: I'm sorry Senator, but this is my Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance.

Armstrong: You need to work on your fitness.
Raiden: What?
Armstrong: Fitness dick in your mouth.

Armstrong: My blood is red, white, and blue Jack. I wonder what color yours is.
Blade Wolf: Wait. Raiden...
Raiden: Brian Griffin...
Blade Wolf: You can't give up yet! Think about every mentally deranged moron you've fought up until this point. You've always had the strength to overcome! Whether it was violence in movies, or sex on TV. I was always lucky there was a Family Guy. Even if your IQ is the room temperature of Alaska.
Raiden: You are the best Chia Pet ever made.
Blade Wolf: Sam put a fucking speaker in his sword.
Sam: That's right, I've finally uploaded my consciousness into my gaming setup. Raiden, the reason you're cringe is not because you ain't skilled, but because you ain't ballin' on that stank-ass Windows 95 'puter.
Raiden: Even in death he's on crack.
Sam: Just this once I'll lend you my setup so you can know what it's like to be a real GAMER.
Armstrong: You're my little Dogchamp. (Armstrong kicks Blade Wolf out of the fight)
Raiden: I've always said my sword was a tool of justice. Not a weapon, but a way to bring back those good old fashioned values upon which we used to rely. But this isn't my sword. It's a fucking mistake.

Max0r: Hey what's up guys, Max0r here, and welcome to the Final Boss. You know, he can be, uh... this guy's a little, uh... You know he's pretty hard. We're here after extensive cutscenes to finally teach America that violence is never a solution, it's a question, and the answer is yes.
Armstrong: Start praying, boy. AAAAH-- (Gunjou pops in during his scream)^note
Max0r: Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's immense strength and talent for volcanic eruptions comes from his ability to switch between a culture vulture and Obama at will,^note channeling the power of both races to whoop your ass back to Roblox, but among his many racial talents, our Buff Buzzard is fast, has a great singing voice and possesses forklift certification; when you die, it will be in accordance with OSHA regulations. But after spending enough time in the oven, our athletic aesthetic disarms Raiden and reports to his chiropractor for an adjustment. This guy beats up more biracial people than a police officer. Armstrong even has the power to receive the Light of Allah, which bestows upon him miraculous healing wisdom.^note Needless to say, this fight is fantastic, combining and expanding on every skill we've acquired on our long and arduous journey for a final battle that truly tests our mettle. This isn't even the first time Raiden has stabbed a politician to death, but if I get my way, it won't be the fucking last.

—Max0r narrating the final battle against Senator Armstrong

Armstrong: Y'know, I'm starting to have a change of heart.
Raiden: (squeezes Armstrong's heart) Yeah, I can tell.
Armstrong: That's why you're the best, Jack. You always wore my heart on your sleeve.
Raiden: (squeezes harder) If I hear another goddamn pun...
Armstrong: If you kill me, Jack, you'll finally be free. Free to follow your heart—
Raiden: (rips out Armstrong's heart) Oookay, that's it, buddy.

News anchor: And in other news, a United States Senator tragically passed away this morning after a botched open-heart surgery. The hospital is still at large...
Kevin: Honey, can we please stop watching obituaries?
Courtney: You'll be on there next if you don't SHUT THE FUCK UP. (sips coffee)

Courtney: Ninja cyborg? Doesn't Raiden do that?
Doktor: Oh yes, Raiden, ahah, well... the police might be after him for that vehicular manslaughter.
Raiden: [laughter transcribed as "The essence of comedy"] Manslaughter, Doktor? I did that shit on purpose!

An Incorrect Summary of Metal Gear Solid 3

Intro

After the end of World War II,
the world was split into two — Based and Cringe.
This marked the beginning of the era called the Cold War.

—The video's opening text, narrated by Max0r

"Bike Pedal Solid 3 is a game developed by world-famous movie director Split Day Old Josh in Mom in which you are tasked with the defeat of Communists in the jungles of Siberia. It's the height of the Cold War, and tensions between the forces of Based and Cringe have never been higher. In the backdrop of this international struggle, our hero must brave dark forests, high mountains, and two separate console generations.The aim of this Virtuous Mission is to extract a Soviet scientist named Sokolov working on a secret project for an invincible weapon of war. And with great ambition, determination, and a will to stop the forces of evil, our hero, Naked Snake (that's his real code name) begins preparations for the plunge below, and the perilous journey which lies ahead.
But first, a warning. I wanted to record the HD version of the game in order to get better footage, but unfortunately, that's only on the PS3. Then I remembered that my computer is a PS3. [whispering] But there might be a few bugs."

—Max0r's introduction to Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater

Virtuous Mission

"Now the Virtuous Mission can finally begin. Except no, my mom is calling me. You've been ignoring her philosophy lectures for five years before she finally caught up to you. Now you can finally listen to her talking about [garbled, incredibly sped-up speech]."

—Max0r

KGB agent: What's a GRU soldier doing here?!
Ocelot: I came here to gesticulate for no rrreason! I suffer from a disorder in which I must wave my hands around randomly-
KGB agent: What?
[Ocelot kills all the KGB agents]

"Now Snake, tell me: is it true that in Capitalist America, hordes of pigs can appear from nowhere and kill children?"

—Ocelot asking Snake the first of many questions

Snake Eater

Max0r: In order to save the world and prove our innocence, you must head back into the jungle, and stop Palaptine's plan to overthrow Khrushchev. This is the beginning... of Operation Snake Eater.
OPERATION: SNAKE EATER
HAHA POOPY POOPER

"She spawns her hair and then reveals her real name: EVA, which is a stupid name. Then she show her huge booba to Big Boss the Snake. I am talking largo bazonkadonkos. Dustpan-sized Donkey Kongs. She gets you to sign up for her OnlyFans and then gives Snake a gun, which he likes more."

—Max0r describing EVA's first appearance

Ocelot: Is it true that in Capitalist America, you pay for healthcare in blood?
Snake: I—I mean, not all of us...^note
Ocelot: What?!

Ocelot: Tell me, American: is it true that in Capitalist America, there is no such thing as the village toothbrush?
Snake: The what?
Ocelot: Fascinating!

"Welcome to the cave area. Fuck the cave area. It's literally so dark that you can't tell when I cut clips."

—Max0r

The Pain

The Pain: I am The Paint!
Snake: Do you mean "The Pain"?
The Pain: [backflips] No.

The Fear

"I filled that arrow with heroin. You're about to have a fuckin' blast, my dude."

—The Fear

"Alright, so the crackhead is died, time to go."

—Max0r

The Fury

Max0r: This is the ladder scene sped up by 1000 times, you'll notice that it takes a long time, we're barely halfway there, Albert Einstein was a German-born theoretical physicist who developed the theory of relativity, one of the—We're here.
[Snake falls from the top]
Max0r: Gibbons are apes in the family Hylobatidae, the family histo—

Max0r: You look down at the base and see Palpatine.
Volgin: Fuck you, barrel. You're the worst PewDiePie character.
[punches the barrel away]
Ocelot: Colonel, please help me! I can't stop walking like I have to take a shit!
Volgin: I literally killed a person, you fucking idiot.
Ocelot: What?
[notices Granin's corpse]
Volgin: This is why we don't have sex, Ocelot. All communists may be gay, but I'm not gay for you.

"Hey there, Snake. I know that you're expecting a gimmick, or a funny voice, but... there is no gimmick. I'm just here to kill you. [Beat] Bitch."

—The Fury

Groznyj Grad

Volgin: Where have you been, kitten? Daddy's been waiting in Discord VC for three fucking hours now.
[Volgin feels Snake up]
Volgin: Wait a fucking second... Kitten has a bent penis.

Ocelot: Now American, tell me...
[rapid-fire clapping]
Ocelot: Is it illegal to clap in America?

Ocelot: Oh, Snake, it seems you have nowhere to go, how fortunate for me. Now you'll just have to answer all of my questions!
Snake: Oh my God, he's going to ask me something stupid—
Ocelot: Is it true that in capitalist America, the army is conscripted to fight giant tumbleweeds? Answer me, or else! [beat] Okay, fine!
[Ocelot's gun clicks]
Ocelot: What? ...You win this time, American.

The Sorrow

"You're just like me, Snake—edgy as all hell."

—The Sorrow

"And when the moment is darkest and Snake is on the verge of forever death, someone begins playing Linkin Park, so Snake comes back to life to turn it off."

—Max0r

True Communism

"Snake, what the fuck are you wearing? Am I in a goddamn Jiffy Lube?"

—The Boss on Snake's mechanic disguise

"How about I lay it out in a way that you can understand, you unfresh bonobo? Communism is when the government gives people healthcare. And the more healthcare the government gives, the more communister it is. My plan is to use this money to give healthcare to every man, woman and child in the world, and therefore force them to adopt communism. I will ensure that the government takes every toothbrush, every iPhone, and every stock market, and burns them, along with every starving Ukrainian. Once the Soviet Union stands supreme as leader of the world's nations, and the top provider of healthcare, I will rename the Earth to Venezuela and inflate our currency until the end of time! To destroy all of the small business owners and mom-and-pop landlords, I have my Shagohod tank, which will rain a nuclear fire upon a new, red world."

—Volgin's Motive Rant

Palpatine

"Thank God he's dead for real this time. Now Gorbachev can sell the Soviet Union for pizza in peace."

—Max0r after Volgin's last boss fight

The Boss

"Oh, take your time, EVA, it's not like the Russians are coming to murder me or anything!"

—Max0r

The Boss: It's beautiful, isn't it, Snake? You've fallen for her, haven't you? I thought I raised you better than this, Snake. Better than her. I raised you to be gay, Snake! The ultimate soldier against simpery! I knew about the terror that the OnlyFans would bring upon this world, and this is only one of the results! Snake, I faked my defection to get the OnlyFans so that no one in the world could ever have it again. Not even you.
[The Boss tosses her poncho aside]
The Boss: See this scar, Snake? I tried to get surgery to become an e-girl. And look what it did to me. No one can be allowed to have this money, not you, nor anyone ever again. And if you want to please your e-girl so much, then you will have to take it from me.
Snake: Okay.

The Boss: Take it, you simping dumbass...
Snake: I'll always remember you as being based, Boss.
The Boss: Take... the gun... and fucking shoot me... so I never have to hear that word again. You are a disgrace... and an imbecile.
[Beat]
The Boss: Snake hurry up—
[Snake pulls the trigger]

Escape and Conclusion

"Oh, how rude of you! Tell me, do all Americans wear bananas? Is it a cultural thing? I suppose not."

—Ocelot musing about Snake's banana-patterned fatigues

Ocelot: Haha! It's a blank, American! I wouldn't dare kill you, because I have one more question. In Capitalist America, do you think that a--an Ocelot and a Snake c-could find love?... I-- Is it possible?
[Beat]
Snake: That's cringe.
Ocelot: Okay, bye. [jumps out of the plane while screaming]

"All that remains of her now are memories... of a time long since passed, a time where the world was simpler, a time of Based and Cringe."

—Max0r

An Incorrect Summary of Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain

Intro

"Metallic Gear Sold V^note is a game that premiered in theatres in 2016, written by His Day Old Coat Jim Mom. And like the developers, I did not finish the game all the way. This game follows the chronicles of Large Manager after his mercenary army was blown up by the illuminati, led by emo Jim Carrey's The Mask. Tasked only with revenge and the rebuilding of his private army, the Chief of Considerable Size must struggle against the sub- and supernatural in order to stop the Son of the Mask from being made. But the biggest challenge of our Hefty Captain is waking up from a coma, a battle which he struggles with for nine years... until now."

—Max0r

The Whale

"No problem bro, we already figured out what's wrong with you. You got enough holes in you to make a SpongeBob cosplay. You also have more brain damage than Logan Paul. You would have an arm, but there was, like, a famine eight years back..."

—Doctor

Afghanistan

"You are forced to engage in an elaborate dance with the enemy sniper, just narrowly defeating her by dropping two boxes of supplies directly on her face. Then you kidnap her, because she's the first woman you've ever seen in, like, a decade. And let me tell you, the Metal Gear Solid fanbase is really thirsty. On the way back, a jet shoots at you, but the pilot is blinded by her massive titties."

—Max0r

Huey: We'll need to modify postural control to accommodate a human pilot. I share your urgency...
Skull Face: [internally] Y'know, I've always wanted to push a crippled guy down the stairs.

Africa

"Hey, Snake, how ya doin'? I know I was supposed to keep 'er in the cage, but she's got, like, big fuckin' boobs."

—Max0r as a DD soldier

"It's time to go out there and rescue this guy. He tells you of a mysterious plot of the illuminati to kidnap children and harvest their adrenochrome. You head to their secret African compound, ensuring that the clap of your asscheeks doesn't alert the guards. Locating their location, the Massive Master finds them to be trapped in a mine of minors."

—Max0r

Sahelanthropus Rex

Skull Face: Do you know why I quit my day job as a successful Hollywood actor to run the illuminati, Boss? Because I think I'll be forced to tell you. Think about your base, Snake. The people you've taken or the methods you've used.
["—anime prison in the sea." "—their anime rations—" "—big fuckin' boobs." "—nightcore." "—anime prison—" "—weeaboos—" "—sending him to your anime prison to be indoctrinated."]
Skull Face: There's one commonality between all of these things. Your obsession with anime has created all of this. And it's up to the illuminati to destroy it. Look at the top superchatted channels on YouTube, Snake. They're all virtual YouTubers. Anime which must be cleansed from this earth if we are to know peace. And for that, Snake, I have my language virus.
Skull Face: I will wipe all of those who speak Japanese off of the face of this earth, cleansing it in a holy fire, the filth of which—
Max0r: [sitting shotgun] Hey, can you two shut the fuck up back there, I'm tryna drive?
Skull Face: —untold evil will spring forth, like a flowing waterfall, if I do not silence their high voices and their whore's dreams, for the rest of time. I hope you understand, Snake, what I must do, and what you must watch. We still have three hours in this car ride.
Skull Face: I'm at McDonald's, do you want anything?

Skull Face: Cipher will rewrite the records... and I will vanish from human memory.
Sahelanthropus: Wait a minute, is that cunt doing the anime monologue that he's practiced for, like, nine years again?
Skull Face: But...
Sahelanthropus: If I have to listen to this guy talk for more than twenty seconds, I will blow his brains out.
Skull Face: ...the thirst for revenge that I have planted will infest the system! No one can stop it now.
Sahelanthropus: Seventeen, sixteen, fiftee— you really aren't fucking getting this, you really don't understand.
Skull Face: Major...
Sahelanthropus: Oh my fucking god, this clown is trying to talk to me.
Skull Face: ...I'm buuurniiing uuuuup!
Sahelanthropus: Dude, what are you even saying? Shut the fuck up. [crushes him]
[Snake tries to make his escape]
Sahelanthropus: Snake, do you know how loud a car engine is? You're not being sneaky!

Skull Face: Finish me... Kill meee...
Snake: Can do!
[shoots him several times]
Snake: Outta ammo, sorry bro.

"We together, with our enemies destroyed and with the help of a giant robot, can overcome anything. Except for the rest of this game."

—Max0r

Heart of Darkness

"Yes, as it turns out, the game isn't actually over yet. But the budget is! A company named Konami had shot developer Hideo Kojima in the face and said "Why can't you make pachinko machines?" so they stopped making the fucking game. What we got as a result is the software equivalent of a stillborn infant where none of the cutscenes have any context, so I'll try to get through them as fast as I can."

—Max0r on the game's second chapter

"Someone on the base is probably a traitor. Miller suspects Emmerich, but he was a very functional horse

when I was out in the field, so I don't know."

—Max0r

Snake: I can't bring you back to life, but... I can rub your ashes all over my face. Mmm, feelf fo good!
Miller: What the fuck is wrong with you, Boss?

Miller: Huey Emmerich, you stand accused of being the traitor and for yelling at people during a funeral.
Huey: I—It can't be me, I was busy playing League of Legends—
Miller: Death.
[afterwards]
Huey: You're the real simp, Snake! You're all just a bunch of blackpilled doomer cucks! Everyone can see it!
Snake: Kaz, what the fuck is he saying?

"I hope you understand why the end of the game is seen as "abrupt" and in fact, so is the end of the entire Metal Gear franchise. In the end, it wasn't Jim Carrey that killed Big Boss, it wasn't a giant robot, it wasn't the Human Torch, or psychic powers... it was a fucking pachinko machine. If you're an executive at Konami, I would suggest that you put your ear near a jet engine. But before we close, let's all appreciate the efforts of a hard-working man who didn't even want to make this game. We're sorry, Hideo Kojima."

—Max0r's parting words

An Incorrect Summary of Resident Evil 4 | Fun Times in Europe

Intro

Officer: Hey, uh- e- You doin' okay?
Leon: Nothing. (Staring intensely at Ashley's photo)
Officer: Right. We got a simp in the back.
Leon: No, ociffer. It's- "Hi, how are you?"
Officer: ...Fucking step on it, Maurice.

President: Leon, you're a good man, and a reliable friend. So I need to ask you for this one favor. I need you to fuck my daughter, Leon. She's been kidnapped by a god damn wizard. I'm giving you my finest ute for the job, man, so just uh- Make sure if you kill anyone you get it on video.
Max0r: So the game starts with a- (European jumpscare) Oh god, it's a European.
Leon: ey what's the matter buddy, you never seen a walmart shooting before???
(The man ignores Leon while mumbling at the fireplace)
Leon: Alright, that's it, I'm stealing your shit.
(The man attacks Leon with a hatchet, which Leon blocks)
Leon: Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to stop resisting. (Roundhouse kicks him into a wall, breaking his neck.)
Leon: ok so how do i hide a body??? preferably before he seeks medical attention.

Part I: President Evil Village

(Leon untapes Luis's mouth)
Luis^noteHe's here, too: That hurts, you know.
Leon^noteWanted in 27 countries: I can put it back on.
Luis: Oh, normally I would be partial. But, uh... How's about you untie me BEFORE The Mormons come back?
Leon: Before the what?
Luis: Never mind. Just do it!
Father Mendez: Hey there, Leon. Have you heard of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?
Leon: I have no idea who that is.
Father Mendez: WELL THEN, in that case let me introduce you!
(slaps Leon's gun away and flings him across the tunnel)
Father Mendez: Anyways, Leon. I couldn't help but notice that you aren't vaccinated. You know what we do to naughty children who don't get their Fauci Ouchie!
(injects Leon with Las Plagas)

(Leon wakes up with his arms chained up in a shack)
Leon: Well that shit was fucking weird.
(when he moves his arms, he finds he's connected to Luis)
Luis^noteThe Suave Spaniard: Hey- That's painful. ...I mean, unless you like that. You know, chains aren't normally my thing, but uh, we don't kinkshame in this house.
[Mariachi music stops]
Leon: ...the fuck? [yanks hard on chain]
Luis: Harder, daddy!
Leon: What?
Luis: What?
Max0r: Breaking out of the least secure cell in existence.
[fucking dies]
Luis: You know Leon, this is just like a game I once played called Among Us.
Leon: (pulling him out of the way of an incoming Ganado) Shut the fuck up.
[dies again]
Luis: I think I'm starting to come around to the chains (the two of them smack the Ganado in the face with the chains) just a little bit, you know?
Leon: Well let's just hope for your sake that he's not into strangulation.
Luis: (straining) Well it would be a problem if he was, Leon!
Leon: I think he could use a (Leon steps on the chain and breaks the Ganado's neck, killing him) demonstration.
(the Ganado falls down and drags Luis with him. Luis quickly snatches the key and undoes his cuffs)
Leon: You know what, that's a pretty good reason.
(Luis slides off the chains from his wrists, holding the key)
Leon: Wait a fucking second, dickhead!
(Leon tries to charge at Luis, but he's still connected to the chains)
Luis: Heh heh heh heh. Call me.

Part II: Leon Goes to Church

Max0r: Welcome, everyone, to Y- USP Atlanta. A dusty and dingy dungeon hosting one of the world's most psychotic criminals. I've, uh... already found three shanks. Taking a trip down Cell Block C, we find-
Merchant: Hello, stranger.
Max0r: Jesus! We find the Merchant, who is your go-to man for teleportation and illicit firearms. The ATF is gonna be PISSED when they hear about this one. You know, prison in America can be very tough, especially when you are the only child molester. So, I think I'm gonna help out by shortening some of those life sentences.

Max0r: Walking in through the nect door-
Merchant: Hello, stranger. I've got wares to sell.
Leon: Cool, but, uh, e/... How did you get here?
(beat)
Leon: Like, the door was locked.
Merchant: Hello, stranger.

Leon Goes Fishing (and Destroys the Local Ecosystem)

Okay so welcome to the, uh... the fuckin' Kyogre fight. This is the shittiest episode of Pokémon I've ever seen^note in my goddamn life. Hey guys, Max0r here! Back at it again with, uh... with, uh... I forgor. This fight revolves around Leon's infinite bag of spears which he has kept specifically for this scenario. That would've been really useful against the priest, Leon. So after helping clean up the local ecosystem, the beast grows angry and enters his, um... Oh god. His Thomas phase? Oh fuck, this looks awesome, dude. How very visible of you, game. So in short, Del Lago is an awesome fight, but ironically it's not very deep. It's pretty much just this (Leon throwing harpoons at the monster) for like five minutes, and if you're really lucky you'll be forced to touch a single button on your keyboard. I guess you can say this fight is pretty shrimple. I think it's time to give him some professional kelp. (Del Lago comes out of the water in one last, dying gasp before revealing Leon caught a Funny Stupid Fish (Friend)). Aww sweet.

—Max0r going fishing with Del Lago

Part III: The Denny's Parking Lot

Cultist: Hey, uh, so... To the owner of the red Nissan Altima, you-you're kinda-you're kinda blocking the disabled parking space. And normally that's for like, people with no bones and shit...
(El Gigante smashes the gate leading to the arena)
Cultist: Uh, what the fuck is that noise?
(El Gigante knocks the gate down)
Leon: Wow, that guy sounds like a really... really... REALLY big asshole. You know, uh... no offense?
(El Gigante roars)

Leon Issues a Fucking Parking Ticket

(Leon battles El Gigante to The Death That I Deservioli)
Max0r: So here we are at the first "real" boss of the game, and I can definitely say he's going to be a big issue. (El Gigante bites Leon's head off) This guy can easily move his car. You-you know, with his hands. Now this may come as a shock, but the combat in this game is, uh... (Leon gets in several shots on El Gigante who stands still and lets him) a little patient. So more than anything, we are forced to rely on positioning. For instance, don't position yourself in a small crack shack just because you think you are safe. (El Gigante lifts up the shack that Leon is hiding in) Hey man, I... Can you give me my roof back? (Leon gets the shack slammed on top of him, then gets up) Yo holy shit, free loot over here. Actually when he's near a building, don't position yourself anywhere. Fucking disappear. (the dog Leon saved earlier howls before joining the fight) Oh my goodness gracious, what the dog doing?^note No, seriously, what is it doing? That's right, ladies and gentlemen, our furry friend is back with a vengeance, and by vengeance I mean glorified distraction. (El Gigante jumps at Leon) Oh god! Sometimes a good distraction is all we need, especially when you are driving. (El Gigante is stuck in one of the shacks) Aw hell yeah dude let's fucking go. (Leon climbs up El Gigante to slash at the Plagas on its back, but it looks like he's slashing at the wood) The sound isn't even synced. I don't think it's supposed to happen like that. So how are you doing today? (Leon continues fighting the giant until it dies. After the fight is over, the gate leading out opens up on its own) Who opened the door?
Cultist: Is anyone going to get that car?

—Leon issues a parking ticket to El Gigante

God Squad HQ

Leon: Excuse me ma'am, your fucking- your GrubHub™© has arrived.
(Ashley tries attacking Leon with a candelabrum)
Ashley: Get away from me!
Leon: Bitch, calm down.
(Ashley attacks Leon again, only for him to catch the candelabrum)
Leon: Man, I wonder what noise this metal pipe will make...
[metal_pipe_falling.mp3]
Leon: Uhhhh, so my name is Leon. This is a kidnapping, and you're going to lay off that gas station weed.
(Ashley runs away)
(Beat)
Leon: Welp... Gotta kill her.

—Leon meets Ashley

Part IV: Leon Goes to Whole Foods

Leon: Sup, bitch.
Luis: Heyyy, listen, about earlier...
Leon: Luis, I have weird feelings right now, and I don't like it!
Luis: (notices Ashley) Hey, you didn't plan on replacing me, did you?
Ashley: Leon, you told me you were straight.
Luis: Oh, so is spaghetti. Until it gets wet.
Leon: I have relationships with women! A-and sex with men! That makes me straight!
Luis: You know, I don't make the rules, but, uh... I think that means you're fucking gay, Hombre.
(Ganados break the outer gate)
Luis: Now Leon, assuming you don't wanna get fucked in the ass...
Leon: I definitely don't.
Luis: Uh-huh...
(Luis and Leon lift a closet blocking a tunnel)
Leon: Hurry up and get in the closet, Ashley.
Ashley: I- Leon- Wh- Th- fuck is that supposed to mean?
(Ashley crawls into the tunnel)
Leon: Man, I hate women!
Luis: Well, Leon, it looks like we've uh, got something in common. Besides our looks, of course.
Leon: YOU MOTHERFU-

(the defense of the cabin is set to Reign)
^note
Max0r: Welcome everyone, to being trapped in a confined space with Luis.^note Since you know, Ashley wasn't torture enough. ^note And today, two hot and sweaty men, uh... (Leon is modded to have his shirt off) Where'd my shirt go? Unlike previous levels, the cabin has one and only one objective: Survival. A goal which the game is very determined to stop. Ah, you know, just gotta watch out for the Charger. There are a few enemies in this cabin, and the space is a little bit limited. (both Leon and Luis are shirtless) This is my least favorite episode of JoJo.
Luis: Oh Leon.
Leon: This isn't the fucking time Luis.
Max0r: So to survive, we're going to have to plan which windows to block, which weapons to reload,^note and pray to god that Luis does anything.^note (Luis is firing in another direction while a Ganado is closing in on him) We're going to die. ^note (a Ganado is heard coming down the chimney) [kidney stone sounds] Oh my god, it's Santa :). (Leon shotguns the Ganado to death as another one comes down the chimney) Fuckin excuse me?? My man reincarnated. (Leon ducks from a hammer wielding Ganado, which also takes out another smaller one) Oh my god, he didn't deserve it! We are in the funny level. You can tell by how many square inches it has. You would think it becomes easier upstairs, but uh, heh... They simply respawn by crawling out of the walls. (the Ganados are shown bringing a ladder to a hole in the wall) (Leon gets knocked down by a hammer swing) WTF??? Yeah no gr8 I'm-I'm in a gr8 position right now. I knew I shouldn't have smoked that "Ganado Spice Kush."

—Leon and Luis get shirtless and Hold the Line in the cabin

Ashley: Leon! The hell are you doing?!
Leon: Ummm...
Luis: Uhhh...
Ganado: Oh shit, am I interrupting something?
Ashley: No, we were just leaving!
Luis: Señorita, how did you... get out of the-
Leon: Listen, Ashley, I can explain!

—Ashley running into Leon and Luis being shirtless for some reason

Leon: Wow, we put our shirts on fast.
(Ashley starts coughing blood)
Leon: Ashley, cover your mouth when you cough.
Ashley: Shut up for two seconds, Leon...
Luis: Ashley, what tastes better, the drywall at Home Depot™ or Lowes™?
Leon: Wha- Luis, what the fuck?
Luis: GREAT! I know where I'm heading today. shit's fucking delicious :)

Part V: Fun Times in Europe

Max0r: Heading past the world's biggest OSHA violation, I'm suddenly filled with a sense of... wonder and beauty! Finally, I have the power to imprison women! In uh- really obvious lockers.
Ashley: Uh- Leon- when can I come out?
Leon: Shut up Ashley, I'm playing God of War.

(Leon pushes a gate open and looks around before turning back to Ashley)
Leon: Yep. That's a door.
Ashley: Okay.
Leon: I am very smart.
(Ashley moves forward before being grabbed by Father Mendez)
Méndez: EXCUSE ME MA'AM BUT HAVE YOU HEARD OF THE GOOD NEWS OF OUR LORD AND SAVIOR-
Leon: Oh Jesus Christ not you again!
(Leon stabs Mendez in the shoulder, who is unfazed by it)
Méndez: So you have heard of him!
Leon: Uh...
Méndez: GREAT. That'll make meeting him so much easier.
(Méndez backhands Leon several feet away from him into the ground)
Ashley: Leon!
Leon: What the fuck did they put in those Mormom gyms?
(Méndez locks the gate, then twists the lock shut for good measure)
Méndez: Uh uh uh, Leon. We prefer to use the term, LATTER. DAY. SAINTS. But, since you wanna be so stubborn about it, I guess you'll have to experience your 'latter days' starting... RIGHT NOW.

—Leon and Ashley meeting the Mormons, aka Father Méndez

Max0r: Oh God oh God oh God oh God oh God! (Leon shoots Father Méndez, but it does nothing to stop him) Maybe I can hide in my house. (Leon hides in an open shack) Surely that will stop the Mormons. (Méndez punches Leon to death) It didn't stop the Mormons. Hang on one second, I've gotta tweak my settings. (Max lowers the BGM settings to 0, then comes back to Leon getting punched again)
Méndez: You are SUCH a kidder, Leon! [Sinister Mormon breath] STOP STRUGGLING.
Leon: I have to go now please!
Méndez: YOU CAN'T RUN FROM GOD, LEON!
(Ashley's foot goes through a a plank on the bridge)
Leon: Ashley, you're too heavy!
Ashley: LEON I'M GOING TO SKIN YOU ALIVE!
Ganado: Oh my God! Is that woman ok???
Leon: You fuck off, buddy. This one's taken.
Ganado: WAIT IS THAT A GUN??
Leon: Yes.
(Leon shoots the Ganado dead, though his weight starts making the bridge about to crumble)
Ashley: Is he going to be okay?
Leon: I think it's time to go, Ashley.
(Leon and Ashley barely manage to run across the bridge to safety while any Ganado still on it falls to their death)
Leon: Fucking ow. [inaudible rambling] I hit my head so hard...
Méndez: God is testing me.

Back at the Barnyard

Merchant: Hello stranger.
Leon: Oh god pls no.
Merchant: Lamp oil.
Leon: No.
Merchant: Rope.
Leon: No thank you.
Merchant: Bombs?
Leon: Maybe?
Merchant:: You want it? It's yours, my friend.
Leon: I want to leave this place. I don't have enough rubies.

Father Mendez: I have had it up to here asking for your baptism!
Ashley: Leon!
[oddly sensual line read]
[I didn't tell her to do that]
Father Mendez: As soon as you are saved, Ashley, I am going to teach you exactly WHY God wants you to SHUT-
(gets shot at by Leon)
Leon: Speak for yourself, buddy.
Father Mendez: I let you stay in MY sex dungeon, gave you MY dog, vaccinated you, and even let this salted harlot stay in MY church.
Leon: Wait, what do you mean by your sex dungeon???
Father Mendez: So, Leon, forgive me if I think just a little bit of penance is fucking due!
(Leon kicks an explosive barrel towards Mendez)
Father Mendez: ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?
Leon: Uhhhh, hasta luego.^note
(Leon shoots the explosive barrel)

—Father Mendez's Villainous Breakdown leading up to his boss fight

(after the barrel explodes, Mendez comes out of the fire in his One-Winged Angel form)
Mendez: I am no longer asking for your baptism. I am fucking demanding it.
Leon: Oh shit, wrong barrel.
Father Mendez, First of All Apostles
Mendez: Hahahahahaha! Come, child.
Max0r: Hey, so, uh, welcome to... Hell. This is just Hell. I may be a sinner, but I'm not a quitter. I will keep sinning until I get caught. Hey man, why the long... um... spine? This boss fight is basically fine. It's a little bit, uh... A little bit long. Unlike previous battles, this one is a test of range, which is why the fight breaks down as soon as you step outside of his. Don't worry, because he's the only one having a breakdown.
(Mendez separates himself from his legs for phase 2 of his boss fight)
Mendez: Violence is not a sin, Leon. It's a necessity.
Max0r: My man's kinda... kinda ripped. Kinda shredded. I'm gonna be real, guys. I can't dodge this attack. I even tried parrying it and no you can't do that. This fight is really in God's hands now. (Leon is out of ammo) Goddamn it I'm out of ammo. So we're here in California circa... every summer. The devil did not tempt me, I take full credit for my hijinx. Overall, I feel like the ultimate jungle gym fight is pretty horrifying, actually. But considering all the things we've done and all the people we've undone, I'm starting to think that… yeah, we deserve this.
(Leon battles Father Mendez to the tune of Tenebre Rosso Sangue)
Ashley: Leon! Are you okay?!
Leon: I'm a little fucking busy Ashley!
(Ashley breaks open a window just as Leon finishes off Mendez)
Mendez: Lord... Sandler...

—Max0r having a barn burner with Father Mendez

Conclusion

Ashley: L-Leon, how did we get here?
Leon: We walked, Ashley.
Ashley: No, Leon, I mean-
Leon: Wellll, looks like we've got no choice but to tour this giant castle.
Ashley: I wanna go home...
Leon: Shut up Ashley, I'm having a moment.

An Incorrect Summary of Ultrakill Act 1

Act 1: Infinite Hyperdeath

Gabriel: Machine, you will answer now to the will of God. For I am the righteous hand of the Father.
V1: SWIGGITY SWOOTY
Gabriel: What does that even mean?!
V1: I AM INSIDE YOUR WALLS
Gabriel: You call shooting a coin a martial art?

Max0r: This is ULTRAKILL. It is a game. You can play it. I hope you are not startled by the screaming. Set in the distant future of 2019, we play as the world's first vampiric Nikon programmed with one singular goal: kill Margaret Thatcher. Thus we embark on our journey into the deepest pits of Hell where we can find normal things that make the game very fun. Featuring such polygonal challenges as Crash Bandicoot and, um, puzzles of color^note. The devs are a little bit eccentric. For some backstory, this game is loosely based on a 14th century fanfiction about God. Therefore, what you're about to see is canon to the Christverse. I will not be accused of blasphemy again. With that being said, the game goes harder than diamonds, and after this video, I hope you will see why. You know, if you can see at all.

—Max0r's introduction to Ultrakill Act 1

Chapter 1: PRELUDE

Hey guys it's me, Max0r. Welcome back to, um, fucking Undertale. So the game begins in a hallway and I do not have permission to use the restroom. When I am lost, I always keep an eye out for my two best buddies. [Beat; V1 picks up the Piercer Revolver] Smith & Wesson.

—Max0r's introduction to the first level, 0-1: INTO THE FIRE

So the game just kind of gets going immediately. I have interrupted elevator music time. This level begins as a tutorial, primarily focused on executing basic mechanics, as well as the disabled (Filth), preferably from a high drop. In this game, explosions and gore are plentiful, but as per my design as a sentient fucking GoPro, my gears must be greased with the blood of the innocent. My power source is vampire

◊ piston. It is the only thing I know for heal. There will be bloodshed.

— Max0r narrating the game's tutorial level and the method through which V1 heals damage

Hey there, my fellow girls. Welcome to level two. We have Amazon. Here, you will buy the most important item in the entire game. That's right: the power to throw coins. Because why aim at enemies when you can aim at a target the size of a fucking coin? This shit is amazing. The hit is guaranteed regardless of the coin's location, even if that coin's location is space, or just the inside of an enemy a few times.

—Max0r explaining the alt-fire mode for the Marksman revolver

Now, as I would soon learn, there is a reason this is a Secret Mission, because now it is able to escape. Oh, it's my YouTube career… [creepy breathing accompanied with actual audio] I am in… GREAT DANGER. Do not google Danger Force season two episode one... In this level, we need to find our way through the Backrooms without making too much noise. Because if you can hear it, it has definitely heard you. My favourite part is the persistent darkness and uh- horrifying droning noise as it creeps ever closer. Really ups the entertainment factor. Now of course, you can shoot it, but that will only send it back. It is inevitable. Do you have any games on your phone? Let's just uh... get the fuck out of here. I no longer wish to play in the Markiplier maze. Shinji, crank that Soulja Boy.

—Max0r's narration of 0-S: SOMETHING WICKED

Oh Jesus Christ, it's the Feds! They're here to shoot my dog. This is the Jason enemy, notable for his geometric-style headgear and, um, free shotgun. His AI is a single-celled organism. I want you to fucking guess how I fought him.^note Following this, we acquire our next weapon, the Remington Grenade Launcher, which we can use to eliminate obstacles to progress, but that isn't what's important about the shotgun. What is important is, that I can, uh...Beat (V1 fires a shot and then punches his own bullets) punch the bullets.

—Max0r fighting Swordsmachine to acquire the Shotgun

Chapter 2: I CAN PUNCH MY BULLETS

You see, Ultrakill is a game that lets you parry all kinds of attacks, and shotgun shells just so happen to count as a projectile. So, uh, guess what that means? I'm going to mail these pipe bombs with same day shipping. It makes the bullets go faster. I really hope you don't mind, but, uh, I'm gonna use this for the rest of the game. And if that hurts your eyes a little bit too much, don't worry. It can get worse. Upon diligently researching the, uh, larger calibers (Pump Charge), we make the discovery that I can load my shotgun a bit more than necessary. That's right, we've made a suicide vest. I'm going to join my racist uncle in Valhalla. I find this mode very useful for, uh, launching myself into the Minus Dimension. The Linus Dimension. (V1 is in a modded level where the walls and floors are all Linus Sebastian's face) Does anyone need some Tech Tips? (a Stray is seen walking in place while The Cyber Grind is playing) Uhh, is he okay? Oh my god, he's hitting the griddy.

—Max0r describing he can punch his own bullets, along with showing off the Shotgun's explosive ammo

Cerberus: You have UNO.
V1: No I don't.
Cerberus: It comes free with your Xbox.
V1: I don't have UNO.
Cerberus: YOU HAVE FUCKING U N O

Max0r: Bruh, it's a new Pitbull to euthanize. I know he has a basketball, but I was not expecting him to dunk that shit. This man is actually balling. He caught me wearing them fake Js. Now, this may not be a long fight,^note but what is there teaches a valuable lesson to the player. The lesson is, um, use crack. You know, like me whenever I use the computer. Do not, under any circumstances, touch the ground. So after dodging his many dribbles and dunks, we eventually reach halftime, causing Spongebob and the crew to enter the arena and sing a song.^note Oh my god, it's my two favorite basketball players^note, Ornstein and Smough. I didn't even know you could play Uno 2v1.
Cerberus: So you DO have fucking Uno!
Max0r: Oh no, I've put him in his red state™. He has absorbed the power of Ornstein. Looks like I'm gonna have to use my secret weapon: money. (V1 kills the remaining Cerberus with a Ricoshot) PURCHASED Never fails. [Distant Soulja Boy] (V1 proceeds through the door into Limbo and passes by other Cerberus statues) Shinji, I really like how they filled this room up with... (YOU HAVE U N O) more statues.

—Max0r plays Uno with Cerberus

Chapter 3: LIMBO

Oh no, it's worse! I have to do fucking puzzles! "Oh, Max, you should play Ultrakill. I'm sure you'll love all 26 of the puzzles." Here's a puzzle for the game developers: how long until I reach your house?

—Max0r expressing his love for puzzles

Max0r: Man, what a nice looking rock.
Hideous Mass: Hey guys!
Max0r: Oh.
Hideous Mass: What is going on, and welcome to my Let's Play!
Max0r: Oh no, it's fucking handicapped.
[intermission]

Max0r: Welcome, everyone, to the Hideous Mass fight, also known as Your Mom. Gottem. Now, I could spend time explaining this boss, but that requires that I understand it. This shit is goddamn incomprehensible. I want to congratulate the devs on the first non-Euclidean enemy. Of course, that is implying that you can see him, because the grapple attack makes that a little difficult. Just like doing… literally anything else. So if you do get grappled, get ready to convert, because God can't help anymore. And because this boss has armor, the only way to damage him is to hit him in his bell icon, preferably before he slams that subscribe and smashes that like button.
Hideous Mass: I wanna thank NordVPN for sponsoring—
Max0r: God fucking dammit. Kids, please, never become YouTubers.
Hideous Mass: Top 10 Moments in Ultrakill. Number one: your fucking death.
Max0r: I finally understand it now. In order to beat the YouTubers, we have to tap into their only weakness: children. I’m sorry, but it's the only way. Go-go-gadget allegations.

[FUCKING DISINTEGRATED]

Max0r: Jesus Christ! I don't think his channel's gonna recover…

—Max0r vs. the Hideous Mass

CLAIR DE LUNE

Max0r: Oh! Hello there, I didn't see you walk in. I was busy, watching… random unprotected security cameras. Welcome to Clair de Lune. Such a calm level. Very peaceful. Do not knock on the doors. I really appreciate the, uh…
V2: [sliding across the floor] OH SHIT watch out I'm coming through— [loud crashing noise]
Max0r …the ambience. For you see, the church demands a sacrifice, and the only way to appease it is to provide to me these bodies three. To do this, we have to calmly and meticulously break into your house and after gathering all three of the balls, we finally unlock the power to… jump through the window. Good to see that I'm using my time wisely.
V2: OH FUCK here I come! [smashes through the window into the boss room]
Max0r: What the fuck?
V2: [the essence of comedy] I thought it would be obvious, brother! After all, I am you, but stronger!

—Max starting the level.

(the fight is set to Second Warning.)
V2: You aren't the only one who's out for blood, Brother!
Max0r: Welcome, everyone, to the race war. It's a little bit fast, you know, just kind of quick. I mean, look at this shit. The fight is so fast, it's editing itself. What side are you on, Bloods or Crips? I will be joining the War on Drugs on the side of the drugs. The gimmick for V2 is that he is completely wacko. He moves like you, shoots like you, and everything that you can do he can do better. He can do everything better than you. Except dodge. Because that would be weird. Needless to say, this fight is very difficult. Mainly because V2 is so fast, he's goddamn omnipresent. Good luck trying to fucking heal, because hitting him up close is a Parkinson's simulation. I just want to fucking shoot him. Human brains are not fucking built for this. We're supposed to be threshing wheat and dying of smallpox.
V2: Looks like you've gone a little RUSTY, Brother! [true humor]
Max0r: I think that something is wrong with my copy of DMC. There's this annoying motherfucker inside of it.
V2: You think you can best ME?! After all that I've-
Max0r: Shut up. Overall though, the beauty of this fight is that it is simple but complicated. Simple in that he has your moveset, but complicated in that he has your moveset. Don't worry though, you'll get a lot of practice with him. Over, and over, and over again. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
V2: yyyyYOU'RE JUST A FUCKING NIKKON!
Max0r: Ok I get it. But honestly, that's what makes this fight fun. We choose to kill V2, not because it is easy but because he won't stop talking. Now if you'll excuse me I have a GoPro to throw into the fucking sun. Go go gadget car bomb^note
[ GOPRO ATOMIZED]
V2: Okay, you know what? I'm gonna call that one a draw. Team Rocket is pissing off again!
[V2 leaps away to parts unknown, leaving behind his left arm]
Max0r: Uh... it looks like he... forgot his arm. I don't know if this is legal in California.

—Max meets his mirror match.

Chapter 4: LUST

So the new arm is a bit funky. A bit... monkey. It comes with many utilities that you don't want, but what it is good for is reducing the enemy to their base particles. You better not catch these hands, because now they're chambered for 12-gauge. The only downside is that uh... you can't hit your bullets anymore. So honestly, it's fucking dogshit and I'm going to kill my infant son.

—Max0r introducing the Knuckleblaster

Here we meet our newest enemy. Oh god, what is that. Its main abilities are teleporation and making me feel a certain way. If only if it wasn't annoying as fuck.^note And once dispatched she will, uh... Beat (Mindflayer preparing to explode accompanied with Gmod Ragdoll Sound) she will explode.

—Max0r introduces the Mindflayer

No. No you can't do this to me. I don't- I don't- I don't want to be here. I think now is a good time to mention that you can buy body pillows from the Ultrakill store. She tells you about how you're late for school, and, uh… the human mind is an evolutionary maladaptation. We need to destroy the left wing using facts and logic. Hello everyone, Dennis Prager here. God has told me the age of consent is too high. So after we finish debating liberal snowflakes on the internet, we finally decide to… fix the aspect ratio. At least one of us has purpose in life. By the way, I’m playing an action game?

—Max0r's reaction to All-Imperfect Love Song

THE CORPSE KING

King Minos: Excuse me sir. You're just in time for the event.
V1: What event?
Minos: Weiner compression day.
V1: What the fuck

Max0r:What is up everyone? It's your boy, Bug's Life, and today we're going to be living the 5'10 experience. King Minos is, um, kind of a big deal around here. Killing him is going to be a tall order. This battle is deceptively simple since his main attack is literally just punching you. These hands have graduated from hitbox to hit tesseract. But that isn't all. Call right now and I will find you. Turns out Minos can summon The Power of the Void which, upon contact reduces your HP to 1. Yo, hold up, did my man just give me AIDS? The longer the Icon of Sin is on Earth, the stronger he will become.^note Of course this is all before the parasites begin shooting at you because there are just too few things in this fight and not enough of them give me nightmares.
Minos: I think your cells are a bit too far apart. How 'bout I fix that for you?
Max0r: This is the kind of game where at every possible turn I have said to myself, "Wouldn't it be cool IF?" and the answer is always yes. So when I tell you that you can parry this man. It's basically the rule instead of the exception. It's basically the coolest thing you can do in a video game^note. It makes me feel like an anime protagonist. Game devs, take notes. This is how you send the fun ceiling to the fucking stratosphere, and also myself. I know it's a good boss when it has a space program. In summary, you have to try to make this fight boring, and even then you might not succeed. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a dead horse to beat and his name is Minos.

( ELDEN RING JOKE. a door opens up, allowing V1 to proceed further down)

Oh no, I don't think I like where this is going.

—Max0r summing up the Corpse of King Minos battle

THE POWER OF AN ANGEL

Gabriel: Machine...
V1: What?
Gabriel: Turn back, now.
V1: I think I'm getting a Zoom call from God.
Gabriel: For what purpose do you trample upon this Palace, Machine?
V1: I mean...Why do you?
Gabriel: To question God is heresy, Machine. But for your information, I am driving the corpse of King Minos like a fucking Mazda.
V1: ok
Gabriel: It appears that your choice is made. As the righteous hand of The Father, I will beat you back into silicon.
V1: I think someone has DADDY ISSUES.
Gabriel: I DO NOT HAVE DADDY ISSUES! I AM PAPA'S SPECIAL FUCKING BOY!

Gabriel: I'll write a Bible story in your blood, Machine!
Max0r: Welcome, everyone, to Bible Study Time. We're learning about stoning. The important lesson about fighting Gabriel is you can't fight on his terms. In fact, don't fight him at all. Uninstall the game. This angel is faster than you, hits harder than you, teleports behind you, and is overall a massive sweat machine. I wonder if it hurt when he fell from Heaven.
Gabriel: YES! Yes it fucking did!
Max0r: It is very important to understand that Gabriel isn't an Ultrakill boss, he's Senator Armstrong. Pure aggression is not gonna cut it this time. We need to use patience, and also open heart surgery. This means that learning his attack patterns is key, and so is abusing i-frames like a drunken step-dad. This copy of Elden Ring is fucking weird. You may notice it's difficult to keep my camera on him. That is because this fight is psychotic. Every combo can be dodged - if you're good at the game. But as for me, Gabriel beat my ass so hard that I saw Jesus, and he was hitting the cleanest griddy I'd ever seen.
Gabriel: YOU aren't even circumcised, MACHINE!
Max0r: Excuse me? And if that wasn't enough for you, Gabriel has an entire second phase where he delivers God's judgment through the barrel of a gun. If you thought this fight was fast, then you haven't seen shit. I want to introduce my new OC, Shadow the Hedgehog.
Gabriel: You are CRINGE, Machine! YOU are not POG CHAMP!
Max0r: What are you fucking saying? Overall though, this fight really makes you feel like you're fighting an angel, because this shit is an act of God. But personally I think it's better to reign in Hell than to serve in Heaven. Plus I already have a god and his name is money. (V1 finishes the fight with a Ricoshot with the Piercer Revolver)
[ANGEL FELLED]

—Max0r narrating the Gabriel battle

FINALE

Gabriel: ...How can this be? Bested by this... This, GoPro.^note
V1: I'm actually a Nikon.
Gabriel: You insignificant FUCK! THIS IS NOT. O- (Gabriel teleports away, allowing V1 to continue onwards to Greed.) May your L's be many and your bitches few.
(Gabriel is brought before the Council.)
Council 1: Has this one abandoned The Creator?
Council 2: HERESY!
Council 3: It is unworthy of the Holy Light.
High Council: Gabriel. You stand accused of losing. To a fucking camera.
Gabriel: But council. My devotion is absolute! The MACHINE was—
High Council: Enough. You have 24 hours before The Father's light leaves your body. And then, you will die. A husk. A thing. I suggest that you prove your faith. Do you understand?
Gabriel: Yes, Council.
High Council: Good.
(Gabriel lets out a bloodcurdling scream of agony as the Light is torn from his body.)

—Gabriel's meeting with the Council and the end of ACT 1

An Incorrect Summary of Ultrakill Act 2

Act 2: Imperfect Hatred

Max0r: This video is uhh... really normal, I swear. (Gabriel screams unexpectedly as the video starts.)

Gabriel: Limbo, Lust, all gone. With Gluttony soon to follow. Your kind know nothing but hunger, purged all life on the upper layers, and yet they remain unsatiated. As do you. You've taken everything from me, Machine. And now, all that remains, is perfect hatred.
V1: 10011010011.^translation:
Gabriel: I'm trying to have a moment.

Max0r: Hey there, everyone. It's me^note, your favourite True Crime Content Creator. Back at it again with a NEW CRAZY PRANK. I'm gonna keep this one brief, since this video is uhh- [static accompanied by eldritch visuals] ULTRAKILL. If you haven't played it, thats gr8. Watch my videos. I think it's the^note... BEST GAME EVER MADE? Y'know, most games nowadays kind of look like- [gameplay of Elden Ring is shown] "It's so beautiful... I have to ROLL THE GACHA." ULTRAKILL doesn't do that. Instead, we get, fucking, INSANE DEVELOPERS. Welcome to the game where BLOOD IS FUEL, HELL IS FULL, and a Fumo DESTROYS THE EARTH. It's uhh^note- definitely an experience. Do you ever look up at the pyramids and think^note, "that would be a crazy slide?" Do you feel bad about missing out on the Titanic^note? Or are you a simple man who wants to FISH PEACEFULLY? If so, then uhh... I guess this game counts^note. And uhh... I'm going to spread misinformation about it^note. You know, I think there's a reason this takes place in HELL, but I can't exactly put my finger on it. My goofy ass actually bought this game like, "Yeah, I'm ready for some NORMAL GAMES."

—Max0r's introduction to Ultrakill Act 2

P-1

"Surprise, mitch! Welcome back to Act 1. I'm starting this review with time travel. Basically, I was browsing the internet a few seconds ago when I happened upon arcane information. You know, after I changed the wiki page. As it turns out, King Minos is not a rich man. I think it's a bad idea to spend your entire city budget^note on bisexual lighting. This presents a problem for us because, uh... (the Corpse of King Minos falls down dead) I can't really ask him to pay, so if I can't charge his body, then goddamn it I'm going to charge his soul. Nobody escapes the wrath of the IRS. That is where this level comes in, or rather, all of them. (V1 shoots at the P Door) This door represents every level, and if you don't complete them perfectly, then it doesn't open. Trust me, I tried to noclip it and was cast into the void. That means no mistakes, no time, no checkpoints^note, we're using the video game alphabet. Because every copy of this game is personalized, we've got a lot of levels to beat. (V1 spawns several Hideous Masses in the Practice Room) I'm sure this is what Hakita wanted."

—Max0r describing what's needed to get through the P Door in Act 1

(the following montage is set to Receive and Bite You
I HAD TO DO EVERY SINGLE LEVEL AGAIN
Prof. Zoom: It was me, Barry. I'm the one who posted the Moai emoji.
Max0r: This level (1-3) has a cool speedrun strat called... soap??? Better watch out, Genshin players. (V1 hits the Hideous Mass with the Soap for a One-Hit KO. The game continues up to the V2 fight)
V2: I thought it would be obvious, Brother!
Max0r: Please anything but this. It's making my synapses look like a rave.
(after the battle, he continues into 2-1: Bridgeburner)
Max0r: I'm gonna abbreviate Cyberpunk. Biggest mistake of my life.^note Rake the leaves up, samurai.
(during the battle against the Corpse of King Minos, a clip of "How many times do we have to teach you this lesson, old man?" is played. V1 then continues on until encountering Gabriel)
Gabriel: I do NOT have daddy issues!
Max0r: Oh shit it's this guy again. (Gabrielish Screaming) I'm gonna send you BACK TO GOD. Hey, can you make change for this? (V1 hits him with a Ricoshot before finishing him off)
Gabriel: How can this be...?
Max0r: Shut up. (the P Door finally opens) This was not worth it. I say to my... bitcoin assassin.

—Max0r's trials and tribulations in opening the Act 1 P Door

WHAT ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH IS THAT- [Beat]^note THIS MUSIC'S TIME SIGNATURE IS FUCKED. Welcome to H.P. Minecraft. The fucker's using Creative Mode^note. The boss is here to teach your Limbs how to file RESTRAINING ORDERS, and to do that He's got A LOT OF SHIT TO DODGE. I like to call it Touhou's Bizarre Adventure. Now his attacks might not seem that bad, until you have to dodge all of them at once. I don't know what those things (the eyeballs) are doing, but, uh... (the eyeballs are healing the boss) OH IT'S WORSE. So on top of summoning 9 billion eyeballs, the fucker USES THEM TO HEAL. Oh my god, he's fucking doing it. No! I hope you're a good shot, because I'm certainly not (:. To beat the boss, we need to target the healthcare system, just like RONALD REAGAN. Preferrably using HEAVY ORDINANCE. This guy's looking like a, uh, looking like a S Q U A R E. I really wasn't expecting to fight the Kaaba today. Oh my God, I'm speedrunning a migraine. I almost forgot that I was in Hell^note. Flesh is not supposed to be hard, unless I'm reading a certain something^note. I'm really into this game for the good story^note. So his attacks are PLENTIFUL, so thankfully we can overcome this boss by using this cool new secret called trial and error. Tell your friends about it. And even though this geometry^note could be "a little hard", our journey has definitely prepped us. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be introducing his skull to the concept of a circle^note.
(MINE CRAFTED)
He didn't take it very well.

—Max0r's battle against the Flesh Prison

Chapter 1: JUDGEMENT

Minos Prime: Ah, free at last...
V1: Hey I'm here for the uh, outstanding balance?
Minos Prime: I spent all of it on PERCS.
V1: [Beat] What?
Minos Prime: My blood is a controlled substance in 39 states.^note
V1: excuse me
Minos Prime: I have personally killed 12 TRILLION people.
V1: That doesn't sound very fun.
Minos Prime: [Real life comedy] On the fucking contrary.

(the battle is set to War Maker)
Minos Prime: I maxed out 9 credit cards FOR MY FUCKIN' PERCS.
Max0r: Hey guys, Max0r here, back from the Secret Government Beef Mines™. I was trying to drink the airport jungle juice, and today we're going to be fighting the only boss entirely accessible in Garry's Mod. This was a deliberate choice by the publishers to include [DLC]. Isn't nature just jamestic??? Minos Prime is not an easy boss. You're going to be familiar with all of his attacks because he will not stop screaming them. Moves such as " Judgment," " Die," " Thy end is NOW," "I will have Order." These attacks will bookend your obituary, and they'll do it really fucking fast. And yes, that is why the video looks bad. This game is no longer a first person shooter. It's Malenia, Blade of Michelin.
Minos Prime: You know how to parry, don't you?
V1: Uhhhh...maybe?
Minos Prime: [The Divine Comedy], time to learn.
Max0r: This is the first boss ever designed to be fought in your peripheral vision. I played this at grandpa's funeral and he started beating the shit out of a toaster. P-Ranking the game wasn't a test, it was a warning. So if I were to give advice, it would be to listen. This little shit is hard, and you're going to die a little bit. However, there isn't a single move you can't counter. Not to mention he announces them — quite loudly. (V1 gets pummeled hard by Minos Prime)^note Jesus Christ. So if he seems difficult, that is a skill issue, one that makes your camera look like it's in the washing machine. Ultimately, Minos is a noble soul, and he's going to give you a noble death. What you do in between is up to you. But there was a crime I was willing to forgive, it would definitely be public embezzlement.^note In fact, it isn't a crime at all, it's an obligation. So, how's about I, uh, help him with his investments?
(PRIME SLAIN)
Max0r: Murder is an obligation, too.

—Max0r going into the trials and tribulations of fighting Minos Prime

Minos Prime: Forgive me, my people. For I have failed you. Creature of steel. You have shown me the error of my ways.
V1: What...really?
Minos Prime: [Total Comedy Island], OF COURSE NOT. You can pry my prescription from my cold dead hands, BITCH. I'LL TAKE MY CRYPTO TO THE AFTERLIFE IF I HAVE TO-

—Minos Prime after Max0r finally defeats him

"Well that was normal. Almost as normal as his, uh... (V1 continues onwards and finds Minos Prime's terminal contains a clip of Tsunomaki Watame) "entertainment." And all it took was, uh... (the final tally of restarts to defeat Minos Prime was 18) a few tries."

—Max0r describing what's on Minos Prime's terminal

Chapter 2: GREED

Hey guys, welcome back to... (V1 sees a pyramid in the distance) Egypt. We're here to find fucking DIO. This level represents a great increase in need since apparently the Sun exists. This is news to me. We're here with the Stardust Crusaders to uncover the secret past of the Bass Pro Shops pyramid. And one of those secrets looks kind of, uh... (V1 meets the first Virtue of the game) What is it doing? Looks kinda bright. I want to introduce you to my favorite enemy, the light of Allah. Your location is irrelevant, and so is theirs. No matter where you are, no matter what you're doing, it will find you and it will give you Discord Light Theme. Oh my god, it's a sex offender summoning circle. Do not t... tell Twitter. (V1 sees a Dual Wield powerup) Hang on, I think this is... (V1 picks it up and now has two Marksman guns)^note Holy shit it is. This is the best game ever made. I fucking love Coinstar.

(I CAN FUCKING DUAL WIELD)

(clips are shown of V1 killing demons with Dual Wield guns) I'm going to teach you motherfuckers a Smith & Lesson. This is just like my favorite movie, "Bible Shrek." Ramses, let my people in.

—Max0r's Egyptian tour in 4-1: SLAVES TO POWER

Max0r: NO NO NO IT CAN'T BE. (V1 stares upon the ruins of the Statue of Liberty and Big Ben) The British are real!^note The game wants you to make a bridge so just, uh, do a slam storage long jump. If you do it wrong, you'll ascend to Heaven? Wait, so what happens if I pick up two of them? (V1 picks up a second Dual Wield and a third gun appears) [Maniacal Laughter] I'm not sure if it works like that! Nobody helps me do the dishes in this fucking house. So that means if I get another one, then... (V1 picks up a third Dual Wield and has four guns) YEP. Jesus Christ, I can't hear anything! So we finish playing "Squidward Mode" and instead move onto more enriching activities such as... hurricane siren. Fuck I need that to sleep. This boss just has a rock and apparently a flexible schedule. This Rust server fucking sucks. His main attacks are jumping and beating you with a rock.^note You know, like a monkey. Me when I see an Ableist online (I am a Cainist). So this fight is weird, but don't worry. He doesnt have to stay there. You might be able to run away... TEMPORARILY. So uh... jump height scales with distance. (V1 is hiding indoors) Oh God... He's coming . My Brother in Christ this is the spawn! Jesus, that's the actual noise he's making. Oh God there's a Palestinian in the elevator. Yeah this seems pretty normal to me. I think he's gone.
Sisyphean: (outside) Oh machine... are you HIDING FROM ME?
Max0r: So yeah it's a pretty cool boss I guess. I love playing Five Evenings at Freedrick's.
(V1 fights against the Sisyphean Insurrectionist, finally killing him)
(CAN YOU DO A VIDEO OF YOU KILLING PEOPLE WITH A ROCK)

—Max0r nearly getting beaten to death by a rock in 4-2: GOD DAMN THE SUN

CLAIR DE SOLEIL

V2: Hello, Brother.
V1: Oh, fuck.
V2: I believe you have something of mine. Something VERY important.
V1: Can you please speak like a normal person?
V2: [STAND UP COMEDY] How's about this for a trade? I beat you into a fucking pulp, and you give me my arm back.

—Max0r and V2's conversation before the latter's second boss fight of the game.

(the battle is set to Receive You - The Hyperactive)
V2: This one will cost you An Arm and a Leg, Brother!
[Beat]
Max0r: "Oh my God... He's LITERALLY Me! We're so much alike ^note." Welcome to the most psychotic shit in a video game. I've said it before and will say it again. This fight is not made for humans, you know, like my videos. We're supposed to be killing each other with rocks. I quit using meth for good. Now I use it for evil.^note This fight is similar to last time, except much worse. Now he moves as fast as me^note, if I was good at the game. Thankfully, I am not. This shit is like speedrunning carpal tunnel.
V2: WHAT'S THE MATTER, BROTHER? DOES YOUR ARM HURT? BECAUSE I CAN FIX THAT!
Max0r: It is a challenge to look at V2's direction, let alone shoot him. Thankfully for those of us who can't aim, there is a solution- (V1 tries to use the Marksman coins, only for V2 to shoot them back at him) Oh you motherfu—! THAT'S RIGHT. If you aren't fast enough^note, he shoots your coins for you. And what's worse^note, he can toss them too, meaning half the battle is a slap fight with nickels. I came here to play a shooter, not a fucking constellation. This shit is like a cartoon battle in a dust cloud. And if that wasn't fast enough for you, don't worry.^note You can enrage V2 at any time by punching him with his own arm.
V2: YOU MOTHERFUCKER!
Max0r: He loves it when you do that (V2: I'LL TEAR YOU LIMB FROM LIMB!!). ULTIMATELY, V2 could be easy, or he could be hard. Easy in that he's limited by your moveset, but hard in that he's only limited by your moveset. We've learned so much during our journey^note, and unfortunately, so has he. But we have grown in the one way V2 never could: EMOTIONALLY (V2: I'LLFUCKINGKILLYOU-)! So, how's about we teach him how to cope with FAILURE^note, The Old Fashioned Way?

—Max0r's guide for defeating V2.

V2: I WON'T GIVE YOU THE PLEASURE OF KILLING ME!
V1: You get back here right this FUCKING INSTANT.
(V2 busts out of the pyramid trying to escape from V1)
V2: Gotta get away! Gotta get away! Gah—! Oh no! (V2 looks behind him and sees V1's perfect Jack-O' pose) YOUR FORM IS INCREDIBLE!
(V1 lands gracefully while V2 falls screaming to his death)
V2: FUCKING NIKKOOOOOONNN!!
(V2 splatters all over the ground)
Max0r: is he ok??
(CHILD EXECUTED)

—Max0r detailing the final moments of V2's life

CRASH BANDICOOT

You thought I would skip this, didn't you? No, I was merely waiting for night time. You know, like Skyrim? I'm a big fan of the horror gameplay. (Sisyphean Insurrectionist drops down before V1) C'mere buddy. (Sisyphean jumps down again) There he is. Make sure to walk your dog everyday. (Sisyphean Insurrectionist throws rock at V1) Now I'm free to do all kinds of things like gazing upon The False Sun, climb upon the Eiffel Tower. This is the texture. And, um, trapping my dog in Hell. (Sisyphean is stuck in a running loop) His sins are yet to be forgiven. I think it's best if we leave him to it. (V1 takes the secret exit out of the level. The gameplay turns from first-person shooter to third-person platformer) Nevermind. This is not good. Hey guys, welcome to my new and original game. I'm *Begins mental breakdown* I'm finding it a bit of an adjustment. I mean what do you want me to say? It's literally just Hash Browndicoot. The wrath of God is pretty new, though. They even have my favorite character: bad depth perception.^note Gee I wonder what this section's gonna be like? (V1 gets chased by a boulder-sized Malicious Face) Oh God it's the Funny Rock again.^note Stop posting about the Rock. (V1 dunks a Maurice into a basketball hoop) I'm tired of seeing it. In the future, all humor will be randomly generated. So yeah, this part is actually really good. I haven't played something like this since... Uncharted 4? "Hey guys, it's me, Nathan Drake, and uh... Subway."^note I think it's best if we kind of, you know, move on? The Simulation is beginning to break down.

Max0r breaking boxes in 4-S: CLASH OF THE BRANDICOOT

Chapter 3: WRATH

So you guys remember V2, right? I know, it's been a long time. Well, he really gave us a hand... again. This is the grappling hook, and it's really good at bypassing the entire game. It's also quite simple: you either catch the fish, or the fish catches you. It can lead to some... odd results?

Max0r summarizing the mechanics of the Whiplash

Max0r: I think now's a good time to mention that uhh... this game has official BUT&(!<& SUPPORT.^note It vibrates in response to damage.
Gabriel: Machine, the developers put out a patch. I'm in your prostate now.

So we decide to board the all expenses paid cruise to Ohio, and that pisses off the guy with a Comically Large Spoon. The same guy that you can pay to skip the boss fight. "I'll give you three quarters to fuck off".
As we can see, King Bach has presented a rather large spoon to his friend. This shit is like if Gehrman wanted ice cream, but you told him that he'd only have a spoonful.^note
No, but seriously, this boss is very simple, when you can actually see him.^note It's pretty much just a matter of dodging his very patient attacks. It's a real shame he's a member of the Ku Klux Klan.
So after four seconds of very adverse weather, I finally decide to kill a man the only way I know how: fucking spaghettification.
(Max0r shoots the Ferryman with the Screwdriver Railcannon, leaving the latter to spaz in place before ragdolling himself into the sea)
What the fuck?! Oh my god, that's how he dies! ok by,e. Team Rocket is blasting off again.

Max0r pays the toll in 5-2: WAVES OF THE STARLESS SEA

SEAWORLD OHIO

(the floor of the level is immediately flooded) That's not a good sign. So welcome back to the water level. On today's episode, visiting Spongebob. This really is the rock bottom experience. This isn't the trip I asked for, but, uh... (the silhouette of the Leviathan is seen in the distance) it's about to get a lot more eventful. (V1 is brought back up to the surface onto a single wooden platform to fight the Leviathan) After all this time, I finally made it. Sea World Ohio. (clips of V1 fighting the Leviathan are shown)

Welcome to the Bass Pro Shops final boss. Shamu hasn't been the same since he tried crack.^note Top 10 episodes of River Monsters. Number 3 will surprise you. Honey would you still love me if I was a worm? I bet you're wondering right about now, how does the game balance such a massive fight? Well, it does not. There are two different ways to play this boss, and one of them is the wrong way. For instance, you could stay on the platform, dodge his attacks, shoot at him like the government shot Kennedy^note and yeah, that would probably kill him, especially if it was a headshot. Or you can do whatever this shit is. (V1 is using the Whiplash to hook onto the Leviathan and ride it) Make sure to walk your dog every day. This works precisely how it looks. That is to say, like a really good time. Doesn't this game look fun to you? From this moment onward, the ground is now optional, and no, there is no cooldown. The only limit is how hard you can ball.^note Now if you're anything like me, you're probably asking yourself, "How do I ride this?" Not only is this a possibility, it is an optimility. (V1 is shooting at the heart of the Leviathan) How else am I going to shoot the screaming child? Just don't spend too long or you'll be sent to space. Honestly, best boss in the whole game, when I can see him. Bastard changed my zip code. Is this way to play balanced? No. Is it comprehensible? Absolutely not. I'm kind of figuring things out as they go.^note But it is definitely very, very fun, and that is all I need. Now if you don't mind, I'm going to go fishing "the fun way." (V1 defeats the Leviathan, making it blow up)
(ENDANGERED WHALE FUCKING EXPLODED)
Max0r: I don't think that was the fun way.

—Max0r peacefully goes fishing in 5-4: LEVIATHAN

Chapter 4: HERESY

Max0r: Hey there, welcome back to uhh... RED. We've got varied environments. We've got... SCARIED environments. We've got enough dick measuring^note. Now it's time for the DURABILITY TEST. At this point, the game is absolutely done with my shit. The enemy count could be described as "GENEROUS." Especially when their attacks take up HALF THE ROOM. It's less a difficulty spike, and more like a Difficulty Spear. It really doesn't help that the music uhh... sounds like an EVIL AIR CONDITIONER. (V1 drops further down into the level, now looking over the City of Dis as Altars of Apostasy starts up) Oh. I forgot this game takes place in Hell. This shit looks like I color corrected it. Ultrakill can have a little Hell as a treat. So we make our way through the Spaghetti Sauce Dimension, a twisted arena that will test every skill in your arsenal. But if you're anything like me, then, um, that isn't many of them. I think Hell is having to explain my resumé. Hello there, tell me about yourself. "What are your weaknesses?" "Does your house have any weaknesses?" My weaknesses are, um, cute girls in my DMs. (pictures of Makima are posted).^note Right now.

—Max0r giving Hell a treat in 6-1: CRY FOR THE WEEPER

Gabriel:...Is this not enough, Machine? How much more must your kind devour?
V1: You are talking to a camera.
Gabriel: Do you think this is funny? Do you think it's like a joke? Because I'm not laughing.
V1: Cope and seethe.
Gabriel: I fucking am. And it's not making me want to kill you less. Now, peek this sick organ solo.
[Gabriel plays a few notes on a pipe organ]
V1: Uhh... okay? It's nice?
[Gabriel abruptly stands up]
Gabriel: Machine. I will cut. You. Down. Break you apart. Splay the gore of your profane form across the stars! I will grind you down until the very sparks cry for mercy! My hands shall RELISH ending you HERE! AND! NOW!

— The exchange leading up the Apostate of Hate boss fight

THE APOSTATE OF HATE

(the battle starts off on Pellagria)
Gabriel: IS THAT THE BEST YOU'VE GOT? (V1 and Gabriel battle to the death) LET'S SETTLE THIS!
Max0r: More like the Prostate of Hate, am I right? (The Monster Hunter: World credits are splashed on) I'm a creative genius. Welcome to THE MOST SPASTIC SHIT EVER MADE.^note Man went to Bible Camp for adults. Ecclesiastes 21:46: "Peter, the horse is here." In our last encounter, Gabriel required a lot of patience to beat. Now he requires an act of God. This fight is patience, but faster. This means faster movements, faster attacks^note, faster commutes to the hospital, and I can't afford healthcare. Gone are the days of having attack windows. We're skipping straight to God.
Gabriel: MY DAD GROUNDED ME, MACHINE. AND HE WON'T READ ME BIBLE STORIES TONIGHT!
Max0r: This shit has more hits than I have dodges, and distance is not going to save you. We need to think about this boss really hard,^note because this fight is not getting any easier. Basically, Gabriel has two different modes: Funny Mode and Racist Mode. Racist Mode is the default, just like American police^note. We need to beat the bigotry out of him by carefully convincing the blood to leave his body. Free speech wins again.^note So after sufficient logical debate is held between two intelligent parties, Gabriel decides that enough is enough and... turns on the lights. Now I can see all my mistakes in perfect detail. This is the Funny Mode because Gabriel finds it, uh...
Gabriel: A Comedy Of Errors
Max0r: ...pretty amusing. I, however, do not. Every attack, every toss^note, every bullshit sends my camera into a different hemisphere, and if you weren't ready for it, that's okay. Because he is definitely ready for you. POV: You ask for the time in London. Needless to say, this fight is wacky, but also really easy. Not for lack of trying, though, but rather because of the many lessons our journey has given us, and also the horrifying places that we've been. I'm looking at you, Stache Trade Route. Look, what I'm trying to say is V2 makes every game easier. (Several more clips of V1 and Gabriel's battle play out)
Gabriel: COMEDIC MASTERY
(Gabriel finally goes down after a Ricoshot)
FUCKING FINALLY

—Max0r battling Gabriel, the Apostate of Hate

FINALE

Gabriel: Ahahaha... Is this... my blood?
V1: I think I broke him.
Gabriel: No, Machine... I've never felt... So alive.
V1: You're making this weird again.
Gabriel: These feelings... I... I need some time.
V1: Did we fight or have sex?
Gabriel: Bye. [Bad To The Bone.mp3]
V1: I miss her bros.

—Gabriel reaching enlightenment after his second defeat to V1

Councilor: Gabriel, what you do now is treason! We represent the will of God!
Gabriel: [evil chuckling] I've had a long time to think about that, Councilor. And now I realize, everything that I had faith in is a lie.
Councilor: You let your faith be shaken by a camera?!
Gabriel: Face it, brother. God Is Dead. The fire is long gone.
Councilor: If you kill me Gabriel, you'll be dead within hours!
Gabriel: I know.
[Gabriel decapitates the Councilor and displays its head to the people of Heaven as he laughs maniacally]

Quotes / Max0r Incorrect Summaries N To Z

Edit Locked

Part 1

Chapter 1: The Suffering of Obama

Chapter 2: The Russian Connection

Chapter 3: Breaking Bad

Chapter 4: Family Guy Funny Moments

Part 2 | Sons of Obesity

Chapter 1: Amazon HQ

Chapter 2

Chapter 3: They Took Afghanistan. Can't Have Shit in Detroit

Intro

Virtuous Mission

Snake Eater

The Pain

The Fear

The Fury

Groznyj Grad

The Sorrow

True Communism

Palpatine

The Boss

Escape and Conclusion

Intro

The Whale

Afghanistan

Africa

Sahelanthropus Rex

Heart of Darkness

Intro

Part I: President Evil Village

Part II: Leon Goes to Church

Leon Goes Fishing (and Destroys the Local Ecosystem)

Part III: The Denny's Parking Lot

Leon Issues a Fucking Parking Ticket

God Squad HQ

Part IV: Leon Goes to Whole Foods

Part V: Fun Times in Europe

Back at the Barnyard

Conclusion

Act 1: Infinite Hyperdeath

Chapter 1: PRELUDE

Chapter 2: I CAN PUNCH MY BULLETS

Chapter 3: LIMBO

CLAIR DE LUNE

Chapter 4: LUST

THE CORPSE KING

THE POWER OF AN ANGEL

FINALE

Act 2: Imperfect Hatred

P-1

Chapter 1: JUDGEMENT

Chapter 2: GREED

CLAIR DE SOLEIL

CRASH BANDICOOT

Chapter 3: WRATH

SEAWORLD OHIO

Chapter 4: HERESY

THE APOSTATE OF HATE

FINALE

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Index

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