From the David Letterman era:
- During one of Late Night's Custom-Made Shows, the audience votes to hear how Dave, guest co-host Dennise, and Jane Pauley would sound if they had inhaled helium.
- ANYTHING involving Larry "Bud" Melman.
From the Seth Meyers era:
- Jokes Seth Can't Tell finds some of its best moments in Refuge in Audacity:
- For example, this:Seth: A recent study found that African-American boys are less likely to get access to gifted programs than their white classmates.Amber: ...Bigger dicks though.
- Shortly after, we have a story about the youngest African-American pilot to fly across the US.Amber: Aaaand he just got pulled over.
(Beat as the audience groans)
Seth: Bigger dicks, though.
- And again:Seth: According to a recent trove of federal data, African-Americans are seeing a gain in life expectancy.Amber: Said police, "Sorry, we're trying our best."
- Jenny's part in the sketch is usually to do All Women Are Lustful:Seth: The TV drama Person of Interest came under fire recently for killing off one of the show's lesbian characters.Jenny: It's unclear who killed her, but a few suspects have been fingered. [roguish smirk]
- Except when she's also in her role of Token Latina:Seth: One point five million people attended the 59th annual Puerto Rican Day Parade this weekend in the streets of New York.Jenny: So that's why your building was so quiet!Seth: Now, wait, Jenny, the problem here is, you can't tell that joke.Jenny: Yes I can, 'cause I'm Puerto Rican.Jenny: [stares at him] I don't look what?Seth: W—...Amber, do you think—Amber: You on your own.
- Amber: A black grad student is like a white grad student, except when he asks "Do you know who my father is?!", he's actually asking.
- Seth: A 7 year old girl is currently on a mission to hug a police officer in all 50 states!Amber: So yeah, she's white.
- Seth: A microbiologist found that men's beards contain bacteria similar to those found in feral matter.Jenny: Even worse, they contain men!Seth: Hey! That joke offends me!Jenny: Why? You never had a beard!Seth: Neither have you!Jenny: Yes I have, I took him to prom and his name was Mike.
- For example, this:
- January 14, 2016: Seth had recently recaptured Mexican drug kingpin Joaquin "El Chapo" Guzman de la Loera appear on the show portrayed by Horatio Sanz.
- When El Chapo enters the show, he's seen warily looking around.
- El Chapo also describes a conversation he had with his lawyer about Sean Penn's interview, and the two went at it in a back and forth over what movies Penn had been in - El Chapo has never seen any of his movies, and Penn hasn't been in any of Chapo's favorite movies.
- El Chapo explains his meeting with Penn was to discuss making The El Chapo Movie, an animated kids movie about his life, in which he plays a bunny named "El Hopo". The character has long, floppy ears, a cute tail, and a drug empire. Seth insists that it doesn't sound like a kid's movie, and El Chapo compares it to Inside Out, in that while Riley had to find her joy, El Hopo has to find his rival, a dog named Pablo Escobar, and that El Hopo would shoot him in the head. When Seth continues to insist that it's not a kid-friendly movie, El Chapo quickly shuts him down, and says it is because he says it is.
- When Seth asks El Chapo if he should be in prison right now, El Chapo giggles profusely and says "Oops! My bad, man!" Then la policia show up, and ask if Seth has seen El Chapo anywhere. Cut to El Chapo hiding his head under a lamp, and the cops fall for it. They then demand that if Seth sees El Chapo, that he tell him to come back to jail. It's like asking a rowdy teenager to come back home after going out with friends, only with a drug lord.
- One segment of "Ya Burnt" featured then-presidential candidate Senator Bernie Sanders, retitled as "Ya Bernt". One of his gags was describing income inequality, and then saying it made less sense than the plot of Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice. Even better is that Bernie is clearly not a comedian or an actor, so he's a bit wooden, but it arguably makes it even funnier.
- Following the 2016 election, disgraced New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has become one of the main Butt Monkeys of the show, especially during "A Closer Look".
- Seth Meyers brings up that time when Christie shut down access to a major bridge in his state just to get back at people who voted against him: "Say what you will about Hillary's emails, at least she didn't stop ambulances in traffic, you cartoon gangster!"
- When Seth brought up how Trump claimed that the culprit behind the DNC hacking could've been some 400 pound man sitting on his bed in New Jersey, Seth questioned if Trump was trying to frame Chris Christie for the attack.
- Seth discusses the travel ban and mentions that someone immediately came running like a lapdog to defend Trump. Cut to Chris Christie giving an interview defending Trump. Seth declares that Christie must learn that the bridge to Trump's heart is closed, as a picture of Christie holding a sign that says "You deserve better Donald" in a parody of Love Actually.
- When Trump joked about destroying a Texas lawyer's career for opposing him, Seth said that the perfect way to destroy someone's career is having them stand behind you as you give a speech.
- On the topic of the odd bathrobe mix-up (in which a report stated that Trump spent his free time exploring the White House in a bathrobe, only for press secretary Sean Spicer to reject the report on the basis Trump doesn't own a bathrobe), Seth says a collector sent a photo of a younger Trump in a bathrobe to CNN. Seth wonders who's collecting pictures of Trump in a bathrobe... only for a picture of Chris Christie to be displayed.
- Seths response to Kellyanne Conway comment on how Donald Trump "doesn't tweet about everything"
- Seth bringing up Donald Trump's McDonald's commercial where he's seen interviewing Grimace.
- Seth on Trump's superficial attempt to warn children on drugsSeth: I will rain hellfire on my enemies until no man but me is left standing on the burning heap of what was once civilisation. Also, say no to drugs, kids.
- When the hosts of Fox and Friends flippantly laugh off the seriousness of Trump being reported as trying to fire Robert Mueller, Seth flat out says he expects them to praise Trump for "solving jaywalking" in the event that he shoots a random man in the street.
- Meyers' hilarious—and let's face it, dead-on accurate—parodies of the numerous tropes consistently found in movies set in Boston, movies meant as Oscar Bait, and movies about journalism.
- 8 December 2016:
- Seth's comment on Trump hiring a new combative lawyer who is shown to be wearing a scowl and a mustache.Seth: Look at this guy. It's like Trump tried to out-police the police by hiring his own Sipowicz.
- Seth makes a point that when Trump is told not to do something stupid, like calling Vladimir Putin to congratulate him on the election (a note was written to him saying "DO NOT CONGRATULATE") in capital letters, he sees it as a challenge, not a warning.Seth (as Trump): I can go even stupider than that. Let's replace the Statue of Liberty... with Bob's Big Boy.
- Seth noticing Chris Christie's heavy tan while being interviewed by CNN.Seth: What's up with casual Chris Christie? Guy's out of office and he looks like he just closed down another beach.
- Seth's comment on Trump hiring a new combative lawyer who is shown to be wearing a scowl and a mustache.
- Seth's amusement over the "talking stick" disaster in Senator Collins' bipartisan meetings about immigration.Seth: The people we're trusting with immigration can't be trusted with a stick!
- Seth's confusion over Trump's mention of "flamingo dancers" (he meant "flamenco")
- Seth quipping that if he ever wants to see Steve Mnuchin, he just has to go to the aquarium where Mnuchin spends his days suctioned to the inside of the glass. And if people ever want to see KellyAnne Conway, they just have to set up a camera, say they're from CNN and she'll materialize like the shadow demon from Game of Thrones.
- Seth's remark that Rudi Giuliani looks like he sat on his own balls in every interview. "Remember, Rudy: swing forward, then sit!"
- Seth's comparing the GOP to The Mafia leads to some rather colorful descriptions:"You guys are the ones that run the government like a protection racket; Republicans all look like they should be cracking their knuckles in a butcher shop, telling the owner, Nice place you got here. Would be a Shame If Something Happened to it. If you took any photo of Trumps aides and added Clemenza from The Godfather, no one would notice."
"So, Trump says a Congressman who body slammed a reporter is his kind of guy, and lets not forget, Trump also told his supporters to knock the crap out of protesters and promised to pay their legal fees if they did. Hes an actual crime boss! I mean, look at him! He sweats like hes being dangled off the side of a roof by Batman! Trump is the classic fake-tough-guy from Queens; if he werent President, hed be the guy sitting on a park bench in Flushing Meadows, saying 'Who are you looking at?' to the squirrels."
- When Trump defends his friendship with the Saudi Arabian government by saying he can't just turn down the money they offer him, Seth comes to a realization:"'They give me money so I like them' is the literal definition of a bribe. Trump can be so disorienting sometimes because he just spells out in plain language why hes corrupt! Hes like a guy who robbed a bank telling the cops, 'I pointed a gun at the teller, so he gave me the cash! What am I supposed to do, not take it?'"
- Amber's cheerful song asking people to vote in the 2018 midterms....by threatening to kill an adorable little kitten if they don't.
- Amber Ruffin, inspired by Green Book, makes her own trailer, "White Savior". Starring a black woman who is simultaneously a world-renowned scientist, cellist, and activist and a guy who was white while she did it, and mercilessly parodying Oscar Bait films about racism and how awkward they would be in real life.
- March 19:
- Seth recaps Trump's hectic weekend on Twitter:"This is insane: The President of the United States tweeted over 50 times in one weekend. He retweeted Fox News a bunch of times; attacked John McCain, General Motors, Google, Hillary, and China -- all in one tweet -- the Paris Climate Accord, Obama, the FBI and CIA, Robert Mueller, Saturday Night Live, Hillary again, John McCain again; called on Fox News to bring back a host he likes; retweeted Fox News; attacked Fox News, the United Auto Workers, General Motors again; retweeted multiple conspiracy theorists, a bunch of random people; accused Democrats of trying to steal the election, and in the middle of ALL that, he also found time to tweet 'Happy St. Patrick's Day!' — which is appropriate, since he tweets like he's in the middle of a bar crawl!"
- When Trump aggressively demands that Fox News hosts Tucker Carlson and Jeannine Pirro be brought back on the air after they were suspended for making bigoted comments, Seth comes to a haunting realization:"The President of the United States is an angry grandpa who spends his time yelling at the TV to bring back his favorite shows. God forbid they ever cancel Pawn Stars or he'll have a full-on meltdown. 'Bring Back Chumlee or I'll launch a nuke!'"
- Seth also demands that they televise Trump's golf games."You won't let us watch him golf — even though, if you did, it would be higher rated than the Super Bowl. I mean, I would watch because there's so much that I want to know: Is he actually good, or is he terrible and everyone pretends that he's good? I know he cheats, but how? Is he good at it, or is he super obvious? Does he make a weird noise when he swings, and if so, is it the same noise or does it change based on the club? Seriously, televise his next golf game, sell it on pay-per-view, and build your wall with that money!"
- Seth recaps Trump's hectic weekend on Twitter:
- Seth's impression of Jeannine Pirro may not sound like the woman herself, but he manages to perfectly capture the spirit and style of her rants, creating an oddly accurate imitation that's also hilarious to listen to, especially if he uses his impression to say something absurd.Seth imitating Pirro: WHEN I ORDER MY EGGROLLS...
- 15 June 2017: During a Senate meeting, Senator Claire Mc Caskill tries to find out if the GOP were having any hearings on healthcare, and Orrin Hatch forgets that Democrats had been invited to take part in the debate, so a young female aide had to remind him.Seth: Aw man, that was like telling Grandpa who someone is! "This is Kevin, Joe and Mary's son" (elderly voice) "Oh. Hello..."
- 17 January 2018: Seth reacts to reports saying Trump is ping-ponging back and forth.Seth: I don't even think he has the mental capacity for ping-pong. I think his brain is just a game of Pong. (Image is shown of Trump's head with a game of Pong in the middle)Trump voiceover: Huge. China. Golf. Huge.
- 1 April 2019: Seth reacts to Trump saying "Weend!"Seth: If there's one thing we've learned about Trump's presidency so far, it's that he loves doing random sound effects.Trump: (in clips) Weend! — Shoom! — Buh-uh-uh... bink!Seth: That's the whole presidency right there. He lies about funding for the Special Olympics and tries to take away his voters' healthcare, but they love his sound effects. We're living through the Police Academy presidency.[clip of Larvell making gunfire noises]
- 24 February 2020
- When Bernie Sanders became the Democratic frontrunner in February 2020, the party establishment started to panic, some claiming that Bernie's landslide victories were actually signs that he was going to lose. Seth tries to make sense of their reasoning.Seth: That's right: by winning states, Bernie's actually losing ground. You see, as all expert pundits know, you don't want to win the first two; that's a rookie mistake wherein you come off as needy, or as the kids would say, "thirsty." You want to throw everyone off by losing a bunch of states, playing it cool off to the side until someone finally says, [picture of Tom Steyer appears] "Who's that fellow with zero delegates?" No, seriously, who is that? [Steyer's name appears on the bottom of the picture] Oh. Alright. See, according to the pundits, you don't want to actually win the first two states like Bernie did. You wanna follow the Joe Biden path: come in fourth in Iowa, fifth in New Hampshire, and a distant second in Nevada — and on top of all that, just wander over during a crucial debate and give the frontrunner a hug. That's the first time Biden ever hugged someone from an angle where they could see him coming.
- The pundits also try to downplay Bernie's success by saying that if you combine the votes of every other candidate, they'd have more than Bernie. Seth can't help but make fun.Seth: That's right; if you just combine the votes of Buttigieg, Biden, and Klobuchar, you can beat Bernie! Now all you have to do is find a way to genetically combine them into one candidate, [image of Klobuchar, Biden, and Buttigieg as a three-headed mutant] called the Klobubidebuttigar! It's that easy! And then, every time you ask it a question, it has the same answer. What should we do about healthcare?
Buttigieg Head: We must step forward into the future.
Klobuchar Head: I'm from Minnesota.
Biden Head: Corn Pop was a bad dude!
- Seth also explains that Democratic voters don't divide candidates into "progressive" and "moderate" lanes, instead choosing preferred candidates just based on what they like most.Seth: They don't divide them up into lanes; they like them each for their own reasons; they like Bernie for his consistency on issues like healthcare, they like Warren for taking on big fights against special interests like Wall Street, they like Biden for his eight years as Obama's VP, they like Buttigieg for his youthful charm and charisma, they like Klobuchar for her record in the Senate, and they like Bloomberg because he pays people to like him.
- Seth also brings up Chris Matthews comparing Bernie's victory in Nevada to Hitler's invasion of France.Seth: As a general rule, any time a man of Matthews' age starts a sentence with "I was reading last night about the fall of France in 1940," that's your cue to exit the conversation. He's like your senile grandpa screaming into the phone on FaceTime. "They banned me from the golf course for not fixing my divots! This is just like 1940 with the Nazis!" "Alright, alright. Talk to you later, Grandpa."
- When Bernie Sanders became the Democratic frontrunner in February 2020, the party establishment started to panic, some claiming that Bernie's landslide victories were actually signs that he was going to lose. Seth tries to make sense of their reasoning.
- Lately, it's become something of a Running Gag for Seth to compile Donald Trump's more bizarre proclamations together and compare them to something out of a crappy sci-fi script or an amateur YA novel:"Open on Moon Base Alpha, nestled in a forest city; insulin flows like water; the sky is filled with flying cars, which are expensive 'cuz they have computers all over the place."
"The rivers are full of ballots. Mailmen have been indicted. Tiny dust particles are everywhere. Everyone is contagious except for me, your hero, the perfect physical specimen!"
- Seth Meyers comments on the first COVID vaccine:Man, I never thought I'd be so happy to see someone get a shot. This must be what it felt like watching the Moon landing: it was a historic scientific achievement that you just know a bunch of idiot jabronis are gonna say was faked. "That wasn't real. Stanley Kubrick shot that." Stanley Kubrick is dead. "THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO THINK!"
- Seth brings up when Trump bragged about his running of the military, including cooperation he received from an "overrated" general.Trump hates people so much that, even when it would help him make his point, he undermines their credibility. "Yes, detective. I have an alibi for the night of the murder. Call Lying Eddie Exaggeration. This guy should be treated like a dog. So, so dishonest. Lying Eddie, he knows where I was last night."
- Seth brings up when Trump bragged about his running of the military, including cooperation he received from an "overrated" general.
- Ahead of Trump's first CPAC speech as former President, Seth questions Lindsey Graham's claim that Trump will just stick to talking about policy before commenting on the Strictly Formula nature of Trump's rally speeches.First of all, you really expect us to believe his speech is gonna be policy-centric? His speeches weren't even policy-centric when he was President. I bet I can predict what it'll be: he'll spend a half an hour whining about getting cancelled, zing Cheney a few times, at some point he'll say a curse word and the crowd will go nuts like a bunch of fifth graders when the music teacher says the word "pianist" too fast, and he'll mention the Squad and everybody will boo. The whole thing is basically Rocky Horror Picture Show for wingnuts.