Funny / Jeeves and Wooster (Series)

This page is for funny moments in the television series Jeeves and Wooster. For funny moments in the books see here.

A masterclass in how to escape a "ferocious" watchdog, by Bertie and Jeeves

In general

• Whenever Jeeves shows disapproval on any of Bertie's (or Bertie's friends) crazy fashion statements. From a white Mess jacket with brass buttons to a tie with horseshoes on it to Bertie's mustache. Made even funnier with Stephen Fry's wonderful facial expressions.
• Anytime they take the piss out of Roderick Spode and his "blackshorts".

Series 1

Jeeves Takes Charge

• The opening scene sets the tone for the rest of the show.
  Sir Watkyn: This is one of the most shameful cases ever to come before this bench! In all my years as a magistrate, I have seldom heard a tale of such heinous iniquity.
  [Bertie, looking rather hungover, tries to speak]
  Sir Watkyn: Be quiet! This parasite can think of no better way to end an evening's hooliganism, on the night of the university boat-race! Can our seats of learning produce barbarians so lost to decency that their highest ambition is to steal a hard-working police constable's helmet and make off with it?
• Bertie goes to the club and finds a statue of an elk blocking the door. To get in he has to climb under it, and he gets stuck in the process.
  Bertie: Well! Novel, that!
  Rodgers: It's not right, Mr. Wooster. I'm the one the committee's going to blame for this, you know. They can't abide mooses, the committee can't!
  Bertie: Oh, I think it adds a certain what's-it.
  • Bertie tells Claude and Eustace he met "someone called Rainsby in the hall with a moose". The twins tell him it's a statue of an elk, not a moose. Then they reveal they stole it from "some big museum" in Kensington — presumably the Natural History Museum.
• Barmy says he's never been to Kensington.
  Bertie: Yes, you have. Your mother lives there.
  Barmy: Oh, that Kensington!
• Bertie says he has to have lunch with Aunt Agatha. Cut to him sitting at a table with Aunt Agatha and her dog. (Yes, the dog has its own chair.)
  Aunt Agatha: Bertie. It is young men like you who make a person with the future of the human race at heart despair.
• Aunt Agatha saying that Honoria Glossop is the perfect wife for Bertie because "she will mould you".
  Bertie: I don't want to be moulded! I'm not a jelly!
  Aunt Agatha: That is a matter of opinion.
• Bertie insists he won't change his suit, and scoffs when Jeeves suggests a brown suit instead. Cut to him at the railway station wearing the suit Jeeves suggested.
• Bingo says Honoria sometimes has a look in her eye.
  Bertie: Yes, I know that look. Like a sergeant major. [shudders]
• Jeeves expresses his doubts about Bertie's plan.
  Jeeves: Any undertaking that requires the presence of four people in one place at the same time, while two of them are unaware of the fact, is fraught with the possibility of mishap, sir.
• "Well, [Honoria] didn't phone me, exactly. I mean, I picked the phone up because I was standing beside it." "What did she say?" "She said, 'Let me talk to someone with a brain'. But it was friendly, the way she said it!"
• Honoria praises Bertie to Aunt Agatha while Bertie tries to stop her.
  Honoria: I shall be able to make something of him, I'm sure.
  Aunt Agatha: Well, he's led a completely wasted life up to the present.
  Bertie: I say!
  Aunt Agatha: Be quiet, Bertie.
  Honoria: But there's a lot of good in him.
  Bertie: No, there isn't, actually.
  Honoria: It simply wants bringing out. It's time I took you in hand, Bertie-wertie. [Bertie looks appalled]
• The twins and Rainsby go to visit Bertie and are confused when Jeeves opens the door.
  Claude: You're not Bertie.
  Eustace: He's better-looking than Bertie.
  Jeeves: It's very kind of you to say so, sir.
• One of Bertie's cousins says that Barmy "has the IQ of a backward clam". Jeeves replies, "It's my understanding that amongst his fellow members of the Drones Club he is considered something of a dangerous intellectual."
• The twins and Rainsby ask if they can leave some things in Bertie's rooms — specifically a top hat, a fish, and a couple of cats.
• When the cats run out of Bertie's bedroom, the Glossops jump up on the furniture to get away from them.
• Bertie trying to enlist Jeeves to sing "Minnie the Moocher" with him.
  Jeeves: Hoo-dee hoo-dee hoo, sir.
• Rainsby asks if he can borrow £10 from Bertie, because he has to go and bail out the twins.
  Rainsby: They got a little bit above themselves, I'm afraid. Tried to pinch a bus.
  • Bertie refuses at first, then realises that thanks to the twins there's no chance of Honoria marrying him. So he gives Rainsby £20 instead.
  Bertie: Bail them out and buy them a drink before you pour them onto the train.

Tuppy and the Terrier

• Jeeves' comments about the possibility of Bertie marrying Bobbie. "Whenever I see Miss Wickham, I know that trouble cannot be far behind. In order to qualify as Miss Wickham's husband, a gentleman should be possessed of a commanding personality and considerable strength of character."
  Bertie: Exactly, Jeeves! Condemned out of your own mouth.
• The look on Jeeves' face as he takes Macintosh (Aunt Agatha's dog) for a walk.
• "I was on my way there, when something happened! I can't remember what exactly."
• Barmy boasts about a new golfing gadget he's got that buzzes to tell him when to start the downswing. Then, when he tests it for the first time, it doesn't work. Turns out he forgot to wind it up.
• Bertie's first golfing attempt, which is always interrupted by Macintosh's barking. He finally hits the ball... and, thanks to Macintosh, sends it flying into a group of people, hitting one of them.
  • Then a little later, he hits the ball then ducks as it bounces off several trees and ends up back at his feet.
• Macintosh steals Bertie's golf-ball and buries it in a sand-trap.
  Bertie: If you ask me, Jeeves, that animal is in the pay of the Fotheringay-Phippses!
• The "menu" Bobbie sends Bertie: roly-poly pudding, with lots of jam, oysters, ice cream and plenty of chocolate.
  Bertie: She must be on some sort of diet.
• "[Blumenfield] says an eight-year-old child's intelligence is exactly equal to a Broadway audience's."
• When Bertie goes to retrieve Aunt Agatha's dog, at least three other dogs follow him into the hotel where Macintosh was taken because of the aniseed on his trousers.
• "Tell me, Jeeves, were you always like this or did it come on suddenly? [...] Were you an outstandingly brilliant child?" "My mother thought me intelligent, sir." "Well, you can't go by that. My mother thought me intelligent."
• Bertie diving behind the couch when Mr. Blumenfield comes to call. Also, his reactions when Jeeves convinces Blumenfield that Bertie's a dangerous lunatic.
• Aunt Agatha arrives just after Blumenfield left with (what Bertie thinks is) Macintosh. Bertie frantically tries to stop her, then is absolutely flabbergasted when Jeeves hands Macintosh to her.
• Tuppy asks Bertie if he thinks an opera singer is wonderful.
  Bertie: Stunning, stunning. Reminds me of a chap I used to play rugby with.
• "I want you to back me up. Let her know I've got a serious mind, and so forth." "I didn't know you had any sort of mind."
• Tuppy says he's going to sing about angels being lonely.
  Bertie: [bemused] Angels being lonely? [dawning horror] You're not going to sing... Sonny Boy?
  Tuppy: I jolly well am!
  [Tuppy walks off singing. Bertie looks utterly disgusted.]
• Aunt Dahlia's complaints about Tuppy.
  Aunt Dahlia: Up until about three weeks ago, that blasted Glossop was all over my daughter. Haunting the house, lapping up daily lunches, dancing with her half the night, and so on. Naturally the poor kid imagined that it was only a question of time before he suggested they feed for life out of the same bucket.
• "Jeeves, you are a marvel." "Jeeves, you are an ass!"
• "You know, Jeeves, I had the rummiest phone call in a lifetime of rummy phone calls last night."
• Jeeves says he saw Miss Bellinger strike Tuppy in the eye.
  Bertie: What on earth did she do that for?
  Jeeves: I fancy she was upset, sir, at the vigour with which the audience expressed their disapproval of her choice of song.
  • It doesn't help that she was the fifth person to sing that song that night, behind Tuppy, Bertie, and two others. It got to the point that the piano player would take one look at the music sheet, and immediately give a cringing Oh, Crap! look before reluctantly proceeding to play.

The Purity of the Turf

• "I mean, fancy writing a song about saying good night to a whole city. I mean, you might as well say, 'Good afternoon, Manchester' or 'Fancy bumping into you, Basingstoke'. Or 'I didn't see you at the club last night, Cleethorpes'."
• Uncle George says he doesn't eat much at lunchtime, while his plate is piled high with food.
• Uncle George sends Bertie a message telling him to come and see him, and it's urgent.
  Bertie: I got a message that it was urgent.
  Uncle George: Oh, it is, yes, it is. Yes, yes, yes. What I wanted to ask you was, where do you get those ties you wear?
  Bertie: Ties?
• "Great Scott, Uncle George! You're not thinking about getting married?" "Yes, confound you, I am thinking about getting married. And if your Aunt Agatha comes sticking her oar in, I'll... well, I'll know what to do about it."
• Bertie's reaction when he hears Uncle George is going to marry a much younger woman: "The old fathead!"
  Jeeves: Yes, sir. The expression is one which I would of course not employ myself, sir, but I confess to thinking his Lordship ill-advised.
• Jeeves reveals that Uncle George's intended, Miss Platt, is a waitress.
  Bertie: Good Lord, well, how is Aunt Agatha going to take to this?
• Jeeves corrects one of Bertie's mis-quotations, to Bertie's annoyance.
  Bertie: Never mind the poet Burns, Jeeves. Expunge the poet Burns from your mind.
  Jeeves: I have already done so, sir.
  Bertie: What about the Aunt Agatha? She will kick, Jeeves!
• Aunt Agatha hears the news.
  Aunt Agatha: [to Bertie] I'm sorry to have to tell you that my brother has gone mad.
• Bertie has a rare attack of genre savviness when Aunt Agatha suggests bribing Miss Platt not to marry Uncle George.
  Bertie: Whenever people do that in books the girl gets the sympathy every time....
  Aunt Agatha: What trash you do read, Bertie. I sometimes despair of you.
  Bertie: Well, I just think you're going to find it dashed embarrassing, offering this girl money.
  Aunt Agatha: I am not proposing to do any such thing. You will undertake the negotiations.
• "If it's not troubling you too much, Bertie, I should be greatly obliged if you would stop driveling!"
• "I lost my nerve. Could have happened to anyone." "Not to anyone with a spine!"
• After Uncle George switches his affections from Miss Platt to her aunt Mrs. Wilberforce, he decides to take Mrs. Wilberforce to meet Aunt Agatha. Jeeves promptly starts packing.
  Jeeves: Now, perhaps you would like to change before the journey, sir. I thought you would drive down after lunch while I take the baggage by train.
  Bertie: What train? What journey? Why are we packing?
  Jeeves: Your uncle has taken Mrs. Wilberforce to meet Mrs. Gregson this afternoon, sir.
  Bertie: He's taken her to meet Aunt Agatha?
  Jeeves: I think perhaps if we were to leave the metropolis for a while, it might be expedient, sir.
• Bingo says his last girlfriend was a passing fancy and youthful folly.
  Bertie: It was only a week and a half ago.
• "I'm going inside. This fresh air's getting into my lungs."
• Lady Cynthia says she heard Bertie and his friends are forming a syndicate.
  Bertie: What rot!
  Lady Cynthia: Can I join?
  Bertie: Absolutely!
• Bertie doesn't believe Harold could win a race because "he's practically circular!" Then Jeeves explains how he knows how fast Harold can run.
  Jeeves: I happened to be pursuing him this morning with a view to fetching him a clip on the side of the head.
  Bertie: Great Scott, Jeeves! You?
  Jeeves: The lad is of an outspoken disposition, sir, and had made an opprobrious remark respecting my appearance.
  Bertie: What did he say about your appearance?
  Jeeves: I do not recall, sir. But it was opprobrious.
  • While Bertie and his friends wait to see Harold run they hear something shatter, leading Jeeves to snark, "That sounds like the "Off" now, sir."
  • Jeeves's excuse for why Bertie and co. are all sitting on the grass: "The young gentlemen had expressed an interest in horticulture, my lady. I was enlightening them as to the life-cycle of the earthworm." Then he gets them to pretend to examine an earthworm until Lady Wickhammersley leaves.
• While playing golf Bertie sends his ball into a tree.
  Jeeves: I fancy that our next stroke may pose us some small difficulty.
  Bertie: What a ridiculous place to leave a tree!
• Bingo talks about a book where someone puts a cobra in a racehorse's stall, and his friends reflect on the possibility of Steggles using that trick on Harold.
  Freddie: What are the chances of a cobra biting Harold, do you think?
  Bertie: Well, from the look of Harold, it's the snake I'd be worried about.
• Lord Wickhammersley falls asleep during the sermon. His wife elbows him, making him wake up so abruptly that his monocle falls out.
  • A minute later a boy puts an insect into Harold's clothes. Harold immediately starts yelling, to the vicar's displeasure. Then he runs out during the hymn, still yelling.
  • The vicar fires Harold from the choir in-between shaking hands with the church-goers as they leave.
  Vicar: [angrily] Go! [turns to shake hands and smile pleasantly; turns back to Harold] Miserable boy! [shakes hands and smiles again]
• Jeeves describes Steggles as "a most ingenious young gentleman".
  Bertie: Bally swindler, you mean.
• Bertie gets Bingo to enter a race for "mature gentlemen".
  Jeeves: If I may say so, sir, I think that when the organisers use the word "mature" they are in fact using it as a euphemism for "elderly".
  Bertie: Quite. So he'll obviously start as favourite.
  • Sure enough, the other competitors are very old.
  Bertie: [trying to cheer up Bingo] You can't possibly lose. Your youngest competitor is sixty-five and his bunions were playing him up this morning.
  • And then Bingo loses. To a man Bertie describes as "old enough to give Bingo's grandmother the glad-eye".
• "Faint heart never won [beat] lots of money."
• Jeeves' expression after Bertie announces he's going to bet £100 on Bingo. It's the closest he ever gets to a visible Oh, Crap!.
  • At the end Jeeves reveals he didn't bet the £100 after all, and instead betted on the man who actually won.
  Jeeves: A further safeguard, of course, was to collect our winnings before I informed Lady Wickhammersley of Mr. Steggles' activities.
• Bertie finds Uncle George and Maud hiding on the fairground. They went to see Aunt Agatha, which sadly isn't seen, and are terrified of meeting her before they can have the banns read.
• Lady Wickhammersley catches Steggles betting and tells him to get out.
  Lady Wickhammersley: As for your ill-gotten gains, they will go towards the new church roof.
  [Steggles gets mobbed by a horde of angry gamblers]

The Hunger Strike

• Jeeves wakes Bertie.
  Bertie: Ten past nine? Is the building on fire?
  • "Jeeves! I'm not yet awake, I've not yet had my tea, and yet you bring me Fink-Nottles? Is this a time for Fink or any other kind of Nottle?"
  • Then Aunt Dahlia arrives, and Jeeves claims Bertie is still asleep because he was at a business meeting the night before.
• "You've heard of Market Snodsbury Grammar School?" "Never." "It's a grammar school. In Market Snodsbury."
  • Aunt Dahlia's reaction to Bertie laughing: "Don't start gargling now. This is serious."
  Bertie: I was laughing! Derisively!
  Aunt Dahlia: Well, don't!
• "You remember me losing all that money at baccarat in Cannes?" "Don't I just! The casino wanted to put up a plaque."
• Bertie says he didn't know Gussie knew Madeline. Gussie says he didn't, "not until I met her".
• "Life would be so much simpler if we were newts!" "...Yes. Well. I've said the same thing myself a hundred times."
• The Newt Dance. To whit: Bertie visits Gussie at the Drones Club, where Gussie's in a funk about romance. He tells Bertie how the average newt proposes to a female newt; they bend back in a semi-circle and vibrate, which Gussie then tries to demonstrate as much as a human can. Two nearby Drones catch sight of this and think it's a dance. By the time Bertie and Gussie leave, it's managed to turn into a conga line.
• Bertie and Gussie playing badminton... by hitting the shuttlecock into the air, where it lands in the chandelier.
• Bertie casually mentions he's gotten engaged three times at Brinkley Court.
• Bertie decides it'd be good if Gussie pretends to be pining for Madeline, so he sends a message telling him not to eat too many sausages.
• Jeeves's opinion of Bertie's white dinner jacket. "I assumed it had got into your wardrobe by mistake, sir, or else that it had been placed there by your enemies."
  Bertie: I will have you know, Jeeves, that I bought this in Cannes!
  Jeeves: And wore it, sir?
  Bertie: Every night. At the casino. Beautiful women used to try and catch my eye.
  Jeeves: Presumably they thought you were a waiter, sir.
  • Jeeves refusing to pack the jacket, only to be foiled when Bertie packs it instead. The look on Jeeves's face when Bertie reveals this is priceless. And when he fetches it from the wardrobe he's visibly reluctant to even touch it!
  • While wearing the jacket Bertie walks past a portrait on his way to the dining room, and the camera angle makes it look like the people in the portrait are staring at him judgementally.
  • Aunt Dahlia's face when Bertie walks in.
  Aunt Dahlia: What do you think you're made up as? You look like one of the chorus in act two of a touring musical company.
  Bertie: Tut!
  Aunt Dahlia: What did you say?
  Bertie: I said tut!
  Aunt Dahlia: Say it again and I'll biff you where you stand.
• Tuppy calls Angela a little blighter, then says he loves her passionately immediately afterward. Then he says what she needs most is a kick in the pants, to Bertie's horror. (Note that this is considerably ruder in Britain than it sounds to American audiences — "pants" means "underwear", not "trousers". Hence Bertie's scandalised reaction.)
  • Tuppy complains Angela told him he's getting a double chin. Bertie reminds him he told her that her new hat makes her look like a Pekingese.
  Tuppy: It did make her look like a Pekingese. But that wasn't vulgar abuse; just sound constructive criticism.
  • "Push away a dinner cooked by Anatole? Pretty extreme, that." "The extremer the better."
• "Jeeves, I'm sure that nothing is further from your mind, but you know, you have a way of saying, 'Indeed, sir' which gives the impression it is only a feudal sense of what is fitting which prevents you from substituting the words 'Says you'!"
• "I say, Jeeves. I've just had another thought!" "Oh, I am relieved, sir."
• Aunt Dahlia walks in on Uncle Tom loading a gun, and is justly horrified.
  Aunt Dahlia: I forbid you to play around with that gun. [...] You know you always shoot the wrong people.
• "My dear old aunt, your troubles are over! The Wooster brain has shifted smoothly into top gear once more." "Oh no. What have I done to deserve this?"
• Aunt Dahlia's reaction to Bertie's impression of herself and Uncle Tom: "These Traverses sound a pretty soppy couple of blighters to me."
• The dinner scene. Uncle Tom rants about the state of the country while Aunt Dahlia, Tuppy and Gussie stare at the food longingly, and Anatole becomes increasingly offended at the amount of food being returned untouched. Finally Anatole explodes in rage and throws things around the kitchen.
• Bertie says Gussie wooing Madeline will be like "leaping on a moving bus".
  Gussie: The last time I leapt on a moving bus, Bertie, I hurt myself rather badly.
  Bertie: That was more sort of... in front of a bus, wasn't it, Gussie?
  • Bertie suggests Gussie says he's often thought the stars are God's daisy chain.
  Gussie: God's daisy chain? [Beat] Do you mind if I take some notes?
  • Then Bertie tells Gussie to "intimate how you pace the meadows with a heavy tread" every evening.
  Gussie: I generally sit indoors and listen to the wireless.
• Bertie tries to find Gussie, then gets a shock when Gussie jumps up right beside him. Then he shoves Gussie back down into the grass so Madeline won't see him.
• "This is a nasty jar for one and all." "The only nasty jar there is, is the one I'm going to put your remains in!"
• Gussie's reaction when he messes up his chance to propose: "I wish the world was a newt!"
• The mayhem of the last few minutes. Tuppy sneaks down to the kitchen and steals food, then narrowly escapes being caught by Anatole. Anatole starts sorting out his knives. Aunt Dahlia walks in, jumps to conclusions, and screams. Tuppy drops the plates of food. Uncle Tom wakes up and runs out holding a gun. Everyone else in the house comes to see what's happening. Then Uncle Tom hands the gun to Gussie, who panics and hands it to Bertie, who accidentally fires it.
  • Bertie's perfectly innocent "Me? W-what have I done?" after he accidentally shot the chandelier from its ceiling rose with a hunting rifle.

Will Anatole Return to Brinkley Court?

• The beginning of the episode, which shows Bertie trying to make tea while consulting a book on household management. Then the phone rings, the kettle starts whistling, and someone rings the doorbell, all within seconds of each other. Then the person at the door (Cyril "Barmy" Fotheringjay-Phipps) says he knows Bertie is in there because he can hear him whistling (it's actually the kettle). Bertie pretends to be Jeeves and asks who it is. When he hears who it is, he says, "Barmy!"
  Barmy: [startled; still thinking he's speaking to Jeeves] Steady on, Jeeves!
  • Then, when Bertie lets Barmy in, the latter says, "Most extraordinary thing! I was talking to your man Jeeves a second ago."
  Bertie: No. No, it was me.
  Barmy: But he said he was Jeeves.
  Bertie: No, it was me. I was pretending to be Jeeves!
• The phone rings again. Bertie thinks it's Aunt Dahlia and tells Barmy not to answer it. Bemused, Barmy says, "I wasn't going to." Then Bertie tells Barmy to answer it after all and pretend to be Jeeves.
  Barmy: Mr. Wooster's residence. Where is Mr. Wooster? [Looks at Bertie, who frantically waves his hands] He's not at home, sir. I'm Jeeves. [Beat] What do you mean, you think not? Oh! [Hangs up]
  Bertie: Who was it?
  Barmy: Jeeves!
• Bertie says Jeeves was sent as an emissary.
  Barmy: What's an emissary?
  Bertie: It's... something that's sent.
• Bertie tries to lift the kettle, but it's so hot he burns his hand. After a minute's thought he takes a pot and uses its handle to lift the kettle instead.
• Bertie asks Jeeves for help deciphering the cookbook's instructions.
  Bertie: It says here it's best to use soft water, but after boiling it may then become hard. Well, I mean, that's ice isn't it? And it says here that "one teaspoonful [of tea] per person and one for the pot". Why does the pot get one?
• Bertie's comments on Brinkley Court.
  Bertie: Same old emotion quagmire down there, I suppose? Tuppy grinding his teeth, Angela aloof, Uncle Tom off his feed, Madeline off her head, and Fink-Nottle trembling at the thought of this prize-giving.
• Bertie saying he won't be persuaded to go to Brinkley, then being offended when it turns out Aunt Dahlia isn't even trying to persuade him.
• The Running Gag of Bertie's various friends coming to have a smoke at his house. Barmy starts it because he and Oofy Prosser made a bet on how long they can go without smoking. Since he can't smoke at the Drones without Oofy finding out, he decides to cheat by coming to Bertie's house. Then, as Bertie leaves, he meets Oofy himself who also wants to smoke in secret. Bertie obligingly tells Oofy to make himself at home... while Barmy is still there.
  • For added hilarity it's left ambiguous if Bertie simply forgot Barmy was there, or (as implied by his expression) he knew perfectly well and thought it would be funny.
• Tuppy decides Angela has transferred her affections to "some foul blister" she met at Cannes.
  Tuppy: If ever I find this slimy snake in the grass, I propose to take him by his beastly neck, shake him till he froths, and then pull him inside out and make him swallow himself.
  • Bertie unwisely admits that while in Cannes he and Angela were practically inseparable, and makes it worse by saying he's always been devoted to Angela and she used to call him her sweetheart. Tuppy jumps to the conclusion that Angela is in love with Bertie.
• Aunt Dahlia's reaction to seeing Bertie. "I didn't know your master was back, Jeeves. Has he no mercy?"
• Bertie comes up with a unique way to introduce his latest plan.
  Bertie: Suppose that you were strolling through the illimitable jungle, and you happened to meet a tiger cub.
  Jeeves: The contingency is a remote one, sir.
  Bertie: [...] Let us now suppose that you biffed that tiger cub. And let us further suppose that word reached its mother that you'd done so. Now, what would you expect the attitude of that mother to be?
  Jeeves: In the circumstances, I should anticipate a certain show of disapprobation, sir.
  • Then Bertie says he's going to insult Tuppy in front of Angela, "giving it as my opinion that in all the essentials he is more akin to a warthog than an ex-member of the fine old school".
  Bertie: And what will ensue?
  Jeeves: What indeed, sir?
  Bertie: No, Jeeves, no. That was one of those... whatsit questions.
  • Bertie recounts the time he agreed with a young woman who said her boyfriend's legs looked ridiculous.
  Bertie: And guess what happened next!
  Jeeves: I am agog to learn, sir.
  Bertie: A cyclone is what happened next, Jeeves. Emanating from this girl.
  • Then Bertie describes her reaction: she insulted his manners, morals "and method of eating asparagus".
  Bertie: By the time she'd finished, the best that could be said about poor old Bertram was that, so far as was known, he hadn't actually burnt down an orphanage.
• Bertie puts his plan into action and insults Tuppy. Then he's horrified when Angela, instead of being offended, agrees with everything he says about Tuppy. Naturally, Tuppy overhears everything and thinks Bertie meant all his insults.
  Bertie: Eavesdropping, some people might call it. A bit un-English, Tuppy, I think you must admit.
  Tuppy: I'm Scotch!
  Bertie: Really? I didn't know that.
  [Tuppy tries to attack him]
  • Bertie hopping back and forth over a wall to get away from Tuppy.
  • Bertie explains he wasn't in love with Angela because he was in love with someone else.
  Tuppy: Well, who was she?
  Bertie: My dear Tuppy, does one bandy a woman's name?
  Tuppy: One does if one doesn't want one's ruddy head pulled off!
  • Then Bertie claims the woman he loves is... Madeline Bassett.
  Tuppy: You're in love with that weird God-help-us Bassett?
  Bertie: Well, I don't think you should call her a weird God-help-us, Tuppy. Odd in some of her views, perhaps. One does not quite see eye-to-eye with her in the matter of stars and bunny rabbits.
• Tuppy kicks a plate of food... then has to limp away because the plate hurt his foot.
• Jeeves tries to advise Bertie against his "alcohol-in-orange-juice" plan, citing the case of a parrot.
  Bertie: There's a flaw here, Jeeves. [...] Gussie isn't a parrot.
• Bertie says Gussie will "hold that Market Snodsbury audience spell-bound". Well... he's not wrong...
• Bertie puts some whiskey in Gussie's orange juice to help calm his nerves before he gives a speech. Then he finds out Jeeves also did it, and they both look forward with identical Oh, Crap! expressions.
• Gussie's drunken speech has been somewhat toned down and shortened compared to the truly epic moment of silliness it was in the book, but it's still one of the funniest moments in the episode.
  "I should say, Fink-Nottle."
  "Well, of course you should, you silly ass!"
• Tuppy threatens to kill Gussie for stealing Angela. A confused Bertie objects, "But Gussie loves Madeline Bassett!", forgetting that Tuppy still thinks Bertie loves Madeline.
  Tuppy: You can't all love this blasted Bassett! It astonishes me how anybody could love her.
• Bertie learns Angela and Gussie are engaged and tries to talk Angela out of it.
  Bertie: Gussie's a splendid chap in many ways. If you've got a sick newt on your hands, well, Gussie's just the fellow to tell you what to do until the doctor comes. But honestly, old thing, you could fling bricks by the half-hour in England's most densely-populated districts without hitting one girl willing to become Mrs. Fink-Nottle without a general anaesthetic.
• Bertie tells Jeeves to go and look for Gussie. Jeeves reveals that Gussie is hiding under Bertie's bed. Then Tuppy arrives, and Gussie runs around in a panic searching for somewhere to hide. Jeeves closes him into the wardrobe and Bertie lets Tuppy in.
  Tuppy: Why was that door locked?
  Bertie: Is one to have no privacy, Glossop? I instructed Jeeves to shut the door, because [beat as he tries to find an excuse] I was about to disrobe. [Takes off his jacket] There, you see.
• Tuppy deduces Gussie is hiding in a wardrobe, but he chooses the wrong one and finds nothing but Bertie's clothes. Bertie mocks him for this, then stops laughing very quickly when the other wardrobe door opens and reveals Gussie.
• "What does Madeline Bassett want to write to me for?" "Open the damn thing and see."
  • Bertie reads the letter and cries out in horror, to Aunt Dahlia's annoyance.
  Aunt Dahlia: Will you stop that?
  Bertie: You don't understand! Madeline Bassett says she's going to marry me!
  Aunt Dahlia: Well, I hope it keeps fine for both of you.
• Jeeves says the situation may call for drastic measures.
  Bertie: Oh, drastic away, Jeeves. The prospect of being united for life with a woman who talks about "little baby bunnies" fills me with an unnamed dread.
• "It is thought to be the instinct of everyone upon the alarm of fire to save the object dearest to them." "Seems to me there's a grave danger of seeing Tuppy come out carrying a steak-and-kidney pie."
• After Bertie rings the fire-alarm, Aunt Dahlia beckons him over with an expression that must be seen to be believed◊.
  Aunt Dahlia: Just step this way a moment, Attila dear, if you don't mind.
• Aunt Dahlia's reaction when Jeeves coughs: "Is it influenza, or have you got an idea?"

Series 2

Jeeves Saves the Cow-Creamer

• Spode's introduction.
  Spode: Our policies are clear! Our policies are just! Our policies are fully laid out in my book, priced three and sixpence from all good booksellers!
• Bertie's speech at Gussie's engagement includes describing Gussie as "a persuasive man with a newt". Then he adds that Gussie and Madeline are made for each other, "like kippers and marmalade".
  Bertie: And I'm sure we all wish them many happy years together over the newt tank.
• "I cannot deal with any more education, Jeeves. I was full up years ago."
• Aunt Dahlia's request, given the minute she enters Bertie's rooms: "I want you to go to an antique shop in Bond Street and sneer at a cow-creamer."
  Bertie: Do what at a what?
• Sir Watkyn Bassett recognises Bertie from the time Bertie appeared in his court... but misremembers what it was about and thinks Bertie was up for stealing bags. (It was actually for stealing a policeman's helmet.) He also thinks he sent Bertie to prison for three months (when he really only fined him). He finishes by giving Bertie a shilling and telling him not to spend it on drink. Poor Bertie spends this entire scene staring in Stunned Silence.
• Bertie trips over a cat while holding an antique. This gets him accused of stealing the antique.
• The policeman chasing Bertie barges into a dining room, and all the men present start throwing their food at him.
• Aunt Dahlia arrives again. Bertie panics and asks Jeeves to tell her he's gone to Switzerland. Jeeves does, but she isn't fooled.
  Aunt Dahlia: Oh, piffle, Jeeves! Get the blighter out of bed!
• "Courage mounteth with the occasion, sir." "Well, it doesn't mounteth with me, Jeeves, on the occasion of coming face-to-face with an irate aunt."
• Aunt Dahlia says that when she finds out who told Sir Watkyn about the cow-creamer, "I shall sever his head from his shoulders!" Bertie, who knows he accidentally told Sir Watkyn, looks very uncomfortable.
  • Then Aunt Dahlia announces that Bertie is going to steal back the cow-creamer. Bertie looks utterly horrified.
• Stiffy objects to Sir Watkyn calling Stinker "half-baked".
  Stiffy: Harold is not half-baked, Uncle Watty.
  Sir Watkyn: Perhaps someone left the oven door open!
  • Sir Watkyn says Stiffy can marry Stinker when he's Archbishop of Canterbury. A few minutes later Stiffy tells Stinker, "We've just got to convince him that you're the stuff archbishops are made of."
  Stinker: All right, I shall be dignified. I shall be urbane.
  Stiffy: If you could just not trip over the furniture it would be a start.
  • Immediately after this Stinker trips over a flower pot.
• Gussie says he was arranging his tanks. Spode, clearly thinking of the other sort of tanks, repeats incredulously, "Tanks?" Gussie clarifies he meant his newt tanks.
• "There's only one thing we can say with any certainty, and that is that Gussie has made an ass of himself again."
  • Jeeves reminds Bertie that if Madeline doesn't marry Gussie, she might decide to marry Bertie instead.
  Bertie: Good Lord, Jeeves, you're absolutely right! Well, we shall have to go down to Totleigh in person. Send a telegram cancelling that last telegram.
  Jeeves: I haven't sent this one yet, sir.
  Bertie: What? Well, get weaving, Jeeves! Get them both off at once.
  [Jeeves looks as if this is more stupidity than he can cope with, even by Bertie's standards]
• Bartholomew the dog chases Oates, sending Oates into a pond. Stiffy takes Bartholomew's side and says Oates shouldn't ride a bike because the dog hates them. Then she declares her intention to fight the case all the way to the House of Lords.
• Stiffy and Stinker ask Bertie to steal the cow-creamer. Spode has just threatened to beat Bertie to a jelly if anything happens to the cow-creamer.
  Bertie: I see. You want me to put on a black mask, break in through the window, snitch this objet d'art and then hand it over to Stinker.
  Stiffy: We hadn't thought of a mask. That's a very good idea, Bertie.
  Bertie: And then I go off and do my stretch at Dartmoor.
  Stinker: Oh no. No, no, no. You escape, of course.
  Stiffy: Then Harold comes back into the house, covered in blood.
  Bertie: Whose blood?
  Stinker: Well... yours, we thought.
  Stiffy: There's got to be signs of a struggle to make it more interesting. [...] Don't you think it's a wonderful scheme, Bertie?
  Bertie: Wonderful. Goodbye, Stiffy.
  Stiffy: You don't mean you won't do it?
  Bertie: I do mean I won't do it!
  • Then Stiffy blackmails Bertie into agreeing anyway... by threatening to make Madeline break up with Gussie permanently.
• "Bertie, I think you're a pig!" "A pig? Maybe. But a shrewd, level-headed pig. A pig who was not born yesterday and has seen a thing or two."
• Bertie tells Stiffy what he thinks of Madeline. "Stiffy, you understand I'm implying nothing derogatory to your cousin when I say that there are certain females whom one is prepared to fight off with a blackjack. And it is to this group that your cousin Madeline belongs."
• "Don't you try that dying-duck-in-a-thunderstorm stuff on me, young Bertie! You will get that cow-creamer!"
  Bertie: No, you don't understand, Aunt Dahlia. I've tried. I've been threatened with a shotgun and Roderick Spode says that if I try again he'll beat me to a jelly. [...] You wouldn't want your favourite nephew to be beaten to a jelly, now would you?
  Aunt Dahlia: It might be an improvement.
• Bertie sums up the situation.
  Bertie: This is getting beyond a joke, Jeeves. Aunt Dahlia wants me to pinch that blasted cow-creamer, Stiffy wants me to pinch the blasted cow-creamer. Do you want me to pinch the cow-creamer, Jeeves?
• Jeeves reveals his club keeps a record of all the members' employers, and he has included information about Bertie.
  Bertie: What, everything? The night I came home from Pongo Twistleton's birthday party and mistook the standard lamp for a burglar?
  Jeeves: That episode is a particular favourite with members, sir.
  • The other members of Jeeves' club grumble about their employers.
  Valet 1: Of course, one can't get proper gentlemen nowadays.
  Valet 2: They're not what they were, certainly. The one I've got at the moment insists on calling me by my first name. [Everyone groans]
• Bertie has just settled down to read when Spode storms in. He searches the room without saying a word to Bertie, who watches in confusion. Bertie asks what he's doing, so Spode says he's looking for Gussie.
  Bertie: Any message if he should turn up?
  Spode: Tell him I'm going to break his neck!
  Bertie: Break his neck. Right. And, er, if he should ask why?
  Spode: He knows why! Because he's a butterfly who toys with women's hearts and throws them aside like soiled gloves!
  Bertie: Do butterflies do that?
  • After Spode leaves Bertie hears a disembodied voice call his name. He happens to be reading a book called The Ghost of Moreton Manor, and it makes him jump to conclusions.
  Bertie: Show yourself! I'm not afraid! [Someone starts knocking inside the wardrobe] Do you bring a message for me from the other side?
  Gussie: [inside the wardrobe] Let me out of here!
  [Bertie realises what's really happening. He rolls his eyes and frees Gussie from the wardrobe]
  Gussie: They ought to put handles on the inside of those things.
  • Gussie says he can't imagine why Spode didn't look in the wardrobe, and sounds quite offended by it. Then he says he's going to make a Bedsheet Ladder to escape, and tries to use Bertie's sheets. Bertie forbids this, but when he returns he finds Gussie has tied his sheets together anyway.
  Bertie: This is my blasted room, Fink-Nottle! What do you mean by mucking up my bedlinen after I specifically forbad it? You have sheets of your own, go and knot those!
  Gussie: How can I? Spode's sitting on my bed!
  • "I thought you had guts!" "I have. And I don't want Roderick Spode fooling about with them."
• Spode barges into Bertie's room again and finds Gussie. Bertie, who now knows Spode has an embarrassing secret, doesn't mince his words this time. It's both funny and awesome, especially from Bertie.
  Bertie: ...I would like to know why the devil you keep coming into my private apartment and taking up space which I require for other purposes. I assume you have a room of your own. Why don't you get back there, you fat slob, and stay there?
  Spode: Did you call me a fat slob?
  Bertie: I did. It's about time that some public-spirited person told you where to get off. The trouble with you, Spode, is that just because you've succeeded in inducing a handful of halfwits to disfigure the London scene by going about in black shorts, you think you're someone. You hear them shouting "Hail, Spode" and you imagine it's the voice of the people. That is where you make your bloomer. What the voice of the people is actually saying is "Look at the frightful ass Spode swanking about in footer bags! Did you ever in your life see such a perfect perisher?"
  • Spode tries to attack Bertie and ends up with his head stuck in a painting. Then Bertie smashes a jug over his head.
• Jeeves tells Bertie to say "Eulalie" to Spode. Bertie forgets the word and tries random words beginning with "Eu-", like "Eucharist" and "euphonium".
• The chase scene. Spode, still with his head stuck in a painting, chases Bertie and Gussie around the house. Jeeves hands Bertie a piece of paper as he runs past, but otherwise doesn't intervene. Then Spode corners them, Bertie reads the paper and exclaims "Eulalie!", and Spode starts stammering in terror and begging Bertie not to tell anyone.
• When the door opens Stinker thinks it's Bertie and hits him over the head. It's actually Spode.
• Aunt Dahlia reveals she stole the cow-creamer with Jeeves' help. And Jeeves still has the cow-creamer. While in the car with Bertie. Who was just wondering what had happened to it. Then he reveals he hid it in part of Bertie's car by disguising it as an ornament. All Bertie can say is "Good Lord!" several times.
• At the start of the episode Jeeves tries to convince Bertie to take a holiday on a cruise ship. Bertie refuses. At the end Bertie says he'll agree after all, but only if Jeeves tells him what Eulalie means.
  Jeeves: No, sir. No, I could not betray a trust.
  Bertie: Jeeves, I stand in awe. I'm almost tempted to come on that world cruise anyway, as a reward for your resolution.
  Jeeves: That would be extremely generous, sir.
  Bertie: I said "almost", Jeeves.

The Bassetts' Fancy-Dress Ball

• Jeeves witnesses one of Spode's rallies. Spode spots him and says he's just what the movement needs as one of the "working masses".
  Jeeves: I hesitate to contradict you, Mr. Spode, but the working masses and I have barely a nodding acquaintanceship.
• Stiffy tells Stinker he'll never be a bishop because he won't steal a policeman's helmet for her.
  • Later it's revealed she broke up with him because he still refuses to steal the helmet.
• Gussie causes Spode's goons to crash into each other just by yelling at them.
  Gussie: Look here, Spode! Will you keep this rabble of yours out of the way of the traffic?
  Spode: How dare you? This highly trained force has far more right to the road than you!
  Gussie: Oh, don't talk rot, Spode.
  Spode: I am not in the habit of talking rot!
  Gussie: Well, I must say you're doing dashed well for a beginner.
• Gussie says he's thinking contemptuous things about Sir Watkyn and Spode, like "the fact that Spode's moustache looks as if someone's just squashed a fly on his upper lip". Then he says he made sure he wouldn't forget anything by writing down his insults in a notebook. Bertie and Jeeves are understandably alarmed. Then Gussie discovers he dropped the notebook somewhere.
  Bertie: Dropped it?
  Gussie: Yes, but it's alright. I can remember every word.
  Bertie: Oh. Good stuff, is it?
  Gussie: The best!
  Bertie: Good, good. No chance of Spode or Bassett being bored when they read it?
  Gussie: No, I— [stops with an expression of dawning horror]
• "Stiffy... are you trying to blackmail me?" "Yes."
• Jeeves discovers Bertie's new handkerchiefs.
  Jeeves: There are some curious objects in the wardrobe, sir.
  Bertie: Curious objects? [Checks] They're handkerchiefs, Jeeves. Handkerchiefs.
  Jeeves: I think not, sir. They appear to have writing on them.
  Bertie: Oh, come now, Jeeves! I bought a couple of dozen and they offered to put my initials on them. See? B. W. W.
  Jeeves: I see, sir. With what purpose in mind, sir?
  Bertie: I just think they look dashed smart.
  • Later Jeeves snarkily calls them "novel handkerchiefs".
  Bertie: Oh, come off it, Jeeves! Everyone wears things with initials on them nowadays.
  Jeeves: I thought the practice was restricted to those who were in danger of forgetting their names, sir.
• Gussie tries to retrieve his notebook from Stephanie. It ends with both of them on her bed. Then Madeline walks in and sees him on top of her and shouting, "I must have it, Stephanie!"
• "You know, Jeeves, there was a very odd atmosphere at dinner last night. Perhaps best described as dour." "I was never under the impression that Totleigh Towers had a reputation for prandial jocundity, sir." "True, Jeeves, but the atmosphere was even less than usually jocund."
• Bertie tries again to get Jeeves to tell him what "Eulalie" means.
  Bertie: I've no complaints. Undoubtedly it's been successful in the past. But it's rather like holding up a bank and not knowing whether your gun is loaded or not.
• Madeline tells Bertie she wants to meet him in the library. Then Gussie arrives and says he and Madeline have broken up. Bertie immediately realises why Madeline wants to meet him.
• Bertie and Jeeves search Stiffy's room, only to discover Stiffy left her dog in the room. They both end up climbing on top of the furniture to escape it (providing the page image).
  Bertie: [standing on a chest of drawers] You're surely not frightened of a tiny little dog, Jeeves?
  Jeeves: [sitting on a wardrobe] If I may be so bold as to contradict you, sir, the creature seems to me to be above average in muscular development. I would also draw your attention to the number and size of the teeth.
  • Stiffy comes back and finds them still on the furniture, with the dog still growling at them.
  Stiffy: You've been looking for that notebook, I suppose.
  Bertie: Why, yes. Yes, we have. Though we haven't really got started. We were somewhat impeded by the bow-wow. He took our entrance in the wrong spirit. [...] Stiffy, would it be too much to ask you to attach a stout lead to the little fellow's collar, thus making the world safe for democracy?
  Stiffy: Yes, it would.
  Bertie: But wouldn't you want to save the lives of two fellow creatures?
  Stiffy: No, I wouldn't. Not if they're men. I loathe all men.
  • Stiffy asks if Bertie knows what Stinker said.
  Bertie: We'd be most interested to learn, of course. Wouldn't we, Jeeves?
  Jeeves: I burn with curiosity, sir. I feel however that I could give the matter livelier attention were I not perched on this wardrobe.
• "You can't ask respectable curates of the Church of England to go around stealing policemen's helmets!"
• Madeline tells her father she's engaged to Bertie.
  Sir Watkyn: Bertie Wooster? Noooooo! Oh dear God, Madeline! Not that!
• Jeeves comes up with another plan.
  Jeeves: Sir Watkyn does not like you, sir.
  Bertie: I don't like him.
  Jeeves: No, sir, but he would consequently sustain a severe shock were you to inform him that you and Miss Byng were betrothed and anxious to be united in matrimonial bliss.
  Stiffy: He'd hit the ceiling!
  Jeeves: Exactly, miss. A very colourful piece of imagery. If you were then to assure your uncle that there was no truth in Mr. Wooster's statement, adding that you were in actual fact betrothed to Mr. Pinker, I think that the overwhelming relief he would feel at the news would lead him to look with a kindly eye on your betrothal to that gentleman.
  • Stiffy then says that even if she announced she was actually going to marry the boy who cleaned the boots, her uncle would "fold me in his arms and promise to come and dance at my wedding after being threatened with Bertie". Then she calls Jeeves "the specific dream rabbit".
  • Bertie's reaction to this plan: "I consider that Jeeves has advanced to mark the absolute zero in human goofiness."
  • Bertie is dragged into going along with the plan anyway... but it fails because Sir Watkyn is so relieved to hear Bertie isn't engaged to Madeline that he congratulates him on his supposed engagement to Stiffy.
• Stinker steals Oates' helmet after all, so a delighted Stiffy calls him a "woolly baa-lamb".
  • Then Stiffy hides the helmet... in Bertie's room. Without telling Bertie. It ends with Bertie getting arrested for stealing it.
• The costumes worn to the ball. Spode is dressed as a Roman soldier, Gussie as a devil, Stinker as a ghost, and Madeline as Little Bo Peep.
• "You goggle-eyed idiot! You filled my bathtub with newts!"
  • Gussie, of all people, loses his temper. "You silly old ass! You unmitigated pudding-headed old jubbernowl!"
  Gussie: [to Bertie] I ticked him off properly. Called him every name I could think of. In fact I called him names I hadn't a notion I knew.
• "Oh Bertie, it's all off again!" "What is?" "The marriage, of course!" "I didn't know it was on. I'm losing track of your vagaries, Gussie."
• Jeeves threatens to reveal Spode's secret unless Spode claims he stole the policeman's helmet. And Spode agrees!
• Sir Watkyn refuses to return Gussie's notebook.
  Bertie: Very well. Then in tomorrow's Times you can read the announcement of my forthcoming marriage to your daughter Madeline.
  Sir Watkyn: You wouldn't!
  Bertie: I dashed well would.
• At the end of the episode Bertie burns the notebook.
  Gussie: Took me ages to think of all those things!
  Bertie: You will now forget them again. And I beseech you, Gussie, never, ever to write derogatory things about your elders and betters again.
• Gussie reveals he's upset, not because he can't see Madeline, but because he doesn't know what will happen to his newts.
• Bertie discovers what Eulalie means... by seeing Spode in a shop called "Eulalie Lingerie", holding up a petticoat.
  Jeeves: Well, sir, seeing that you've discovered part of the matter for yourself, I feel at liberty to disclose the rest of Mr. Spode's secret. Mr. Spode designs ladies' underclothing, sir. He has a considerable talent in that direction and has indulged it secretly for some years. He is the proprietor and founder of that emporium, Eulalie Soeurs, that you chanced across.
  Bertie: Good lord! Well, no wonder he didn't want it to come out!
  Jeeves: No, sir. It would undoubtedly jeopardise his authority amongst his followers.
  Bertie: You can't be a successful dictator and design women's underclothing! One or the other. Not both.
• Bertie tells Jeeves to destroy the handkerchiefs. Jeeves says he's already done so, to Bertie's shock.

Pearls Mean Tears

• The first lines in the episode.
  Bertie: [abruptly throws down his newspaper] Have you ever noticed a rummy thing about life, Jeeves?
  Jeeves: No, sir.
  Bertie: Just when you're feeling at your most braced about things in general, something always comes along and gives it to you in the neck.
• Bertie describes the last time Aunt Agatha sent him a telegram.
  Bertie: The last time she sent a telegram it was for a dog.
  Jeeves: A dog, sir?
  Bertie: Yes. I was looking after Mackintosh for her and the poor chap had gone off his feed. She sent a telegram from the south of France saying, "Eat up your nice food and Mummy will be back on Tuesday".
  Jeeves: Did the animal's appetite improve, sir?
  Bertie: Not noticeably. It ate the telegram, though.
• Within a minute of Bertie's arrival Aunt Agatha announces, "I have met just the girl I should like to see you marry."
  Bertie: But I don't want to get married!
  Aunt Agatha: Her name is Aline Hemmingway. A nice quiet girl. Oh so different to those bold girls one meets in London nowadays.
  Bertie: I like bold girls.
  Aunt Agatha: Stop interrupting, Bertie!
• Bertie complains to Jeeves about the Hemmingways, and finishes with, "Have you ever seen a floral clock, Jeeves?"
  Jeeves: I've not had that pleasure, sir.
  Bertie: Well, don't. Have nothing whatever to do with floral clocks. If a friend says, "Just one more floral clock can't do you any harm", be firm.
  Jeeves: I shall do as you recommend, sir.
• Bertie scandalises the elderly women sitting beside Aunt Agatha... by saying "blasted". They react as if he'd sworn like a sailor.
  Aunt Agatha: Kindly restrain your language, Bertie!
• Aunt Agatha wants Bertie to visit a museum noted for knapped flint. Bertie claims his doctor has forbidden him to look at knapped flint.
  Aunt Agatha: Don't talk drivel, Bertie. And stand up straight!
• Bertie rhetorically asks who invented the bicycle. Jeeves tells him, and adds that the first bike was invented in 1839.
  Bertie: Too late to do anything about it now, I suppose?
  Jeeves: I fear so, sir.
• Jeeves, dressed impeccably as always, buries Bertie in sand.
• "Biffy's got the worst memory you've ever come across, Jeeves. Compared with Biffy I come out as one of the ten great minds of modern times."
• Biffy makes his appearance... standing in the middle of the road, oblivious to the cars beeping at him.
  Biffy: I came out for a walk and suddenly discovered I didn't know where on earth I was. I've been wandering around in circles for hours.
  Bertie: Well, why didn't you ask the way back to your hotel?
  Biffy: I was going to. Then I realised I'd forgotten its name. I'd recognise it if I saw it. It's got big doors and a sort of roof. Oh, I'd give a shilling to know the name of that hotel.
  Bertie: Well, you can owe it to me. It's the Hotel Riviera.
  Biffy: This is uncanny, Bertie! Do you have second sight?
  Bertie: No, it's the address you left with Jeeves the other day. What on earth are you doing in Westcombe-on-Sea?
  Biffy: Bertie, old man, I came here to try and forget.
  Bertie: You seem to have managed that all right.
• Bertie finally gets the chance to get revenge on Aunt Agatha, and he's clearly enjoying it as much as the policemen (and the audience) are.
  Bertie: Pearls? Well, that's a coincidence. [Holds up the necklace] These aren't the little chaps, are they?
  Aunt Agatha: No, of course not! [Double take]
  Bertie: [grins as Aunt Agatha splutters] I got them from your friends the Hemmingways.
  Aunt Agatha: The Hemmingways? The Hemmingways? Well, how did they come into the possession of the Hemmingways?
  Bertie: Because they jolly well stole them, that's how. That's what they do for a living. They are jewel thieves! [...] I don't want to rub it in, but you do realise if you'd succeeded in getting me to marry that girl, I should most probably have had children who'd have sneaked my watch while I was dandling them on my knee. Now I'm not a complaining sort of chap as a rule, but I must say that in future you might be just a little bit more careful how you go about egging me on to marry females.
  • Then he's so excited he literally jumps for joy after leaving the room.
• Bertie's reaction to reading about Biffy's engagement. He makes a noise reminiscent of a horse neighing then loses the ability to speak, so he has to settle for frantically pointing at the article until Jeeves reads it.
  • He regains his voice to demand, "What on earth is Biffy doing getting engaged to Honoria Glossop?"
  Jeeves: I could not say, sir.
  Bertie: I mean, there probably are fellows in this world who could get engaged to this Glossop menace and like it — tough, hardy chaps with strong chins and glittering eyes — but Biffy is not one of them.
• Bertie is annoyed that Jeeves won't help Biffy.
  Bertie: Oh, very well then. If you're not going to chip in and save a fellow creature, I suppose I can't make you. You'll look pretty silly though when I get old Biffy out of the soup without your assistance.
  Jeeves: I shall try to bear up under the shame of it, sir.
  Bertie: Right, well, I'm going back into that sitting room now, Jeeves, and I'm going to put in some pretty tense thinking.
  Jeeves: Very good, sir. Shall I wake you at six, sir?
  Bertie: Yes. No! No, Jeeves! There will be no need. The brain will be racing.
  Jeeves: As you say, sir.
• Oofy offers some comfort: "[Biffy] will probably forget to turn up at the wedding anyway."
  Oofy: Do you remember the time he forgot his name and had to look it up in the club register?
  Bertie: That's right, and nobody would tell him what letter it began with.
• The trick flower startles Biffy so much he falls over, and knocks over a table in the process.
• Lady Glossop reminisces about "Irving playing Hamlet at the Lyceum".
  Bertie: Really? Who won?
• Honoria misunderstands and thinks Bertie is trying to make Biffy look stupid so she'll break up with Biffy and become engaged to Bertie again. Then she slaps him on the back with such force that she knocks him over!
• Bertie's dumbfounded reaction to learning Mabel is Jeeves' niece.
  • As a YouTube commenter pointed out, the fact there's a 50/50 chance Mabel's surname is Jeeves makes Biffy's inability to remember her surname even funnier. (Fridge Logic dictates she's probably Jeeves' sister's daughter, but that just isn't as funny.)
• "Was that the doorbell, Jeeves?" "It certainly gave that impression, sir." "Who could that be at this time of night?" "I shall endeavour to ascertain, sir."
• Aunt Agatha visits. Bertie pretends to be asleep to avoid talking to her, so she tells Jeeves she wants to help Bertie get re-engaged to Honoria. By the time Jeeves shows her out Bertie has already started packing.
  Jeeves: That was Mrs. Gregson, sir.
  Bertie: So I heard, Jeeves. Hence the packing.
  Jeeves: Are we embarking on a journey, sir?
  Bertie: We dashed well are, Jeeves. The night train for Antibes leaves in an hour. We are going to be on it. If Aunt Agatha thinks I'm going to wait around while she and Honoria Glossop lead me trussed, stuffed and garnished with bacon to the altar, Jeeves, well, she's got several other thinks coming.
  • Bertie is in such a hurry to leave that he puts on at least two hats at the same time, without bothering to change out of his pyjamas.

Chuffy

• Bertie's trombone-playing is so bad (and so loud) that it annoys passers-by. Jeeves tries to convince him he's developing a dangerous malady just to make him stop playing. Then the manager comes to deliver complaints from several other tenants. Bertie tries to quote Shakespeare to him, but has to go and ask Jeeves what the quote is.
• "Jeeves, unpleasantness has reared its ugly head in the West 1 postal district. Also a notable lack of give and take and a complete absence of the neighbourly spirit. Complaints, Jeeves, have been lodged about my trombone."
  Jeeves: Good heavens, sir!
  Bertie: The ultimatum is, either I chuck playing it or leave. Very well, then. We shall be well rid of these Bustards and Blennerhassetts. I shall leave them without a pang.
• Bertie goes looking for a new valet and specifies he must like music, which rules out one candidate.
  Mr. Henberry: Duxbury left Lord Belsted's employ when his Lordship got a kazoo from a Christmas cracker. The tootling was unbearable, he said.
• Seabury climbs into Bertie's car and presses the horn. Bertie mistakes it for his trombone at first and can't figure out how it's playing itself.
• "Can you give me five shillings?"
  Bertie: What do you mean, five shillings?
  Seabury: I mean five shillings.
  Bertie: Yes, but what I want to know is how we got onto the subject. We were having a nice quiet drive and you suddenly go and introduce this five shillings motif.
  • "I think your nephew may have gone off his rocker, Chuffy. He's been trying to touch me for five bob and babbling on about protection."
  Chuffy: He's been watching gangster films. Goes around collecting protection money from everyone.
  Bertie: I don't know what the youth of today is coming to, Chuffy.
• Pauline's and her father's reactions to seeing Bertie, and his reaction to seeing them.
• Pauline asks Bertie to tell her about Marmaduke.
  Bertie: Marmaduke? I don't think I know him.
  Pauline: Lord Chuffnell, idiot!
  Bertie: Marmaduke? [laughs incredulously]
  Pauline: It's a beautiful name.
  • This is what tips Bertie off to the fact Pauline and Chuffy are in love, because "no one would say that Marmaduke was a beautiful name wantonly and without good reason".
  • "I'm dippy about him, Bertie! Don't you just worship the way his hair sort of fluffs up at the back?" "My dear girl, I have better things to do than go about staring at the back of Chuffy's head! The front's bad enough."
• "We feel that it ill beseems us to make a beeline for a girl like a man charging into a railway restaurant for a bowl of soup." "What nonsense! You asked me to marry you after you'd known me two weeks!"
• Bertie kissing Pauline. He basically just grabs her and starts making out with her cheek. And then her dad sees them...
  • Later Mr. Stoker orders Pauline to stay on their boat just so Bertie won't kiss her again!
  • When Chuffy hears about the kiss he threatens to scoop out Bertie's insides. Jeeves suggests Bertie should claim it was a purely brotherly kiss.
• Bertie tells Chuffy that his engagement to Pauline lasted only two days, "during both of which I was in bed with a nasty cold".
  Chuffy: She must have had a wonderful time being engaged to you. What on earth made her accept you, I wonder?
• "Is something amiss? The Chuffnells look like a French army who've just got to Moscow and discovered it's early-closing day."
• Jeeves says the Chuffnell-Stoker fiasco has "something of the dark inevitability of Greek tragedy".
  Jeeves: His Lordship, I regret to say, became somewhat unguarded in his speech.
  Bertie: He ticked Stoker off?
  Jeeves: With considerable vigour, sir, stating in an extremely candid manner his opinion of the latter's character, commercial probity, and even appearance.
• Chuffy comes looking for Bertie. Bertie jumps up so quickly that he knocks his head on the ceiling.
• Mr. Stoker arrives at Bertie's door. Pauline tells Bertie to be careful.
  Bertie: What do you mean, be careful?
  Pauline: No, it's alright. He probably won't have a gun.
  [Bertie panics and tries to run away]
• A policeman tries to kill a spider... by doing a bizarre sort of dance. Bertie and Chuffy stare at him as if he's gone mad.

Kidnapped!

• Bertie tells Jeeves the Drones are electing a new chairman of the dining committee.
  Jeeves: Is the post much sought-after, sir?
  Bertie: Much sought-after, Jeeves? Suffice it to say that five out of the last seven chairmen have had to spend considerable time in the jim-jam clinic after their periods in office.
  Jeeves: The rigours and responsibilities of the post, sir?
  Bertie: Partly, Jeeves, but mostly the fact that every wine merchant within gargling distance of the metropolis is so keen to get the Drones' order that case after case of their most treasured vintage seems to go astray and end up at the chairman's private residence.
• Bertie arrives at the club and hears his friends playing the banjo badly.
  Rodgers: I'm sorry about this, sir. Can you hear them?
  Bertie: It would be difficult not to hear them, Rodgers. Women and children are huddled in frightened groups as far north as Grosvenor Square.
• Oofy says the Drones are going to play for Barmy's Aunt Hilda.
  Bertie: Is Barmy's Aunt Hilda Spanish?
  Oofy: Spanish? No.
  Bertie: Why are they playing Lady of Spain, then?
  Oofy: Well, the only other tune we know is Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
• "There's somebody been following me all day!" "Following you? You mean, as in following you?"
  • Pauline says her stalker has a big ginger beard. Bertie suggests he might want to borrow money to buy a razor.
• "When they invented the phrase 'rude health', Jeeves, they didn't know it would get as rude as my father."
• Bertie's reaction to discovering the man who wants to buy Chuffy's house is none other than Sir Roderick Glossop... after showing up uninvited at the Glossops' house.
  Bertie: Oh, my hat.
  • Lady Glossop's reaction. She gets up with a smile to greet Pauline, then sits down again looking horrified when Bertie is announced.
• Pauline's car runs out of petrol, so she and Bertie have to stay in a pub. Then she says it's a good thing Chuffy doesn't know what's happened or he'd get the wrong impression and tear Bertie limb from limb. Bertie immediately takes his quilt and goes out to sleep in the car.
• Bertie complains that his former engagement to Pauline still dogs his footsteps even though it only lasted two days "and I was unconscious most of the time".
• Jeeves says the North American air has a bad effect on people, and uses 1776 as an example.
  Bertie: What happened in 1776, Jeeves?
  Jeeves: I prefer not to dwell on it, if it's convenient to you, sir.
• Chuffy hears about the Bertie-Honoria engagement.
  Chuffy: Oh, Bertie. Is there any girl you haven't been engaged to?
  • Stoker, the father of one of Bertie's former fiancées, meets Sir Roderick, the father of another former fiancée.
  Bertie: [awkward smile] Well, you know. An engagement here, an engagement there...
• Stoker's reaction to seeing Bertie: "What in Hades is he doing here?"
• Chuffy and Bertie reminisce about the time Bertie dropped a blancmange on a bishop and got arrested.
• Chuffy finds out Bertie and Pauline spent the night in the same inn. Instead of reacting badly, he says he's sure it was perfectly innocent. Pauline takes offense and accuses him of taking her for granted. Bertie is appalled, and Jeeves looks like he'd rather be literally anywhere else.
• "I suppose one ought to be prepared, Jeeves, for one's past to return every now and again and strike one a nasty blow on the mazzard."
  Jeeves: Indeed, sir. Our least deed, like the young of the land crab, wends it way to the sea of cause and effect as soon as born.
  Bertie: Oh, quite. But it hardly seems fair that it should also strike the mazzards of one's chums.
• Bertie hears his friends playing the banjo again, and their musical skills haven't improved.
  Bertie: Do you hear music, Jeeves?
  Jeeves: Of a sort, sir.
  • Passers-by have gathered to listen, and several are holding their ears.
• Bertie gets a nasty shock when one of the minstrels recognises him (it's his friend Barmy, but Bertie couldn't tell with the Blackface) and grabs Jeeves' arm.
• Barmy puts money in his hat. Then he forgets it's there, puts his hat on, and is surprised by the coins falling out.
• Bertie's reaction to Jeeves saying "Ahoy!": "Ahoy, Jeeves?"
  Jeeves: It is the correct form of nautical address, sir.
  Bertie: The sort of thing they only said in books!
• Stoker kidnaps Bertie and tries to force him to marry Pauline. Bertie thinks he's safe because Pauline will refuse to go along with it, but Jeeves dashes his hopes by revealing Pauline wants to marry Bertie just to spite Chuffy.
  Bertie: What a damned silly idea, Jeeves! The girl must be cuckoo.
  Jeeves: Feminine psychology is admittedly odd, sir. The poet Pope...
  Bertie: Never mind about the poet Pope, Jeeves! There are times when one wants to hear all about the poet Pope and times when one doesn't.
• Bertie goes to the train station (still disguised in blackface) and gets mistaken for a ghost.
  • The porter calls the police and tells them about the "horrible face" at the window. Then Stoker, also in blackface, comes to the station. The porter thinks he's a ghost too and sends the police after him.
  • The police find Stoker, Bertie, and all of Bertie's friends, all wearing blackface. Since they can't tell who's who, they decide to arrest them all.
• Sir Roderick Glossop. In blackface. Singing "Singin' in the Rain". Then getting thrown out of the house for slapping Seabury.
  Sir Roderick: You are no doubt wondering, Mr. Wooster, what is the explanation for all this.
  Bertie: No, no, one doesn't like to pry.
• "Good God!" "No, only B. Wooster."
• Sir Roderick turns his car abruptly and hits a wall. The police turn their car abruptly and hit a hedge.
• Bertie and his friends get dragged in front of a magistrate... who happens to be Chuffy.
  • The truly ridiculous aliases they give: "Leon Trotsky" and "Frederick Aloysius Lenin" (Stoker and Sir Roderick), "Boko Disraeli", "Oofy Lloyd George", and "Barmy Lord Tennyson".
  Chuffy: Not only have you been guilty of a breach of the peace of considerable magnitude, but I also strongly suspect you have given false names and addresses. You are each fined the sum of £5.
  Bertie: Oh, I say!
  Chuffy: Quiet, Dr. Crippen!
• Pauline complains Chuffy trusts her too much. He reveals he followed her around in disguise, and she immediately complains he doesn't trust her enough. Bertie and Jeeves sneak past while they're still arguing.
  Bertie: That bit of your little scheme seems to have gone rather agley, Jeeves.
  Jeeves: Oh, I hardly think so, sir. I imagine that the young couple will spend much of their happily-married lives in a state of similar emotional turmoil.
• At the start of the episode Bertie was rejected as a candidate for the Drones' dining committee chairman because no chairman is allowed to have a criminal record. At the end Jeeves points out that most of the Drones club now have criminal records, so there's no reason Bertie can't become a candidate again.
  Bertie: Jeeves, I find it hard to believe that you thought it worth your while to get half the members of the Drones into the dock merely to ease my way onto the dining committee.
  Jeeves: The methods were perforce draconian, sir, but the stakes were high. The diminution in the wine bill each month should mean a considerable saving in the housekeeping.

Wooster With a Wife

• Tuppy complains Angela has broken up with him again, "simply because I was man enough to speak out on the subject of a ghastly hat she was chump enough to buy!"
  Tuppy: All I said was it made her look like a raccoon peering out from underneath a flowerpot. Which it did.
  Bertie: Yes, well, they're not awfully keen on fearless honesty.
• "The bally ballyness of it all makes it all seem so bally bally."
• Tuppy's telegram: "When you come down, bring my rugger boots. Also Irish water spaniel. Urgent. Regards, Tuppy."
  • Bertie walks into his flat and finds a large dog there. He asks Jeeves if it's an Irish water spaniel. Jeeves says he couldn't find one, so he got an Irish wolfhound instead.
• "I mean to say, Jeeves, if a girl can't, in the course of ordinary, everyday conversation, tell a chap to go and boil his head without said chap turning to the arms of another, well, where are we?"
• Bingo asks if Bertie likes the name Mabel. Bertie thinks for a minute, then says, "No."
  Bingo: You don't think it has a certain music in it, like the wind rustling gently through the treetops?
  Bertie: Er, no.
  Bingo: Oh. Well, of course, you always were a fathead without any soul, weren't you?
• Bingo asks how to prepare his uncle for the news of his engagement. Bertie looks blank.
  Bingo: That's a fat lot of help.
• The sight of Bingo's tie is so horrible that it sends Jeeves into a Heroic BSoD and he has to shut himself in the kitchen to recover.
  Jeeves: It has little horseshoes on it!
• Bertie gets landed with babysitting Bobbie's cousin Clementina, and she wants to have strawberries in the tea-tent instead of watching the match. So Bertie has to struggle through the crowd around the table to get strawberries. Then Clementina complains he didn't get any lemonade.
  • The tennis match, which involves Bertie's ice cream falling on someone's hat, Bobbie's ball hitting her opponent, and Bertie missing most of the match.
• Bertie asks Jeeves to look after Patrick the dog. Jeeves says he can't because it's his evening off, and "I had promised myself a quiet evening with an improving book."
  Bertie: Can't you spend an evening with an improving dog?
  • Later Bertie goes looking for Jeeves and finds him in the pub.
  Bertie: So, what happened to the quiet evening with an improving book?
• The throwing-flowerpots-at-conservatory plan hits a snag when Patrick finds Bertie and starts barking, accidentally leading a policeman right to Bertie.
• Bertie announces he's been thinking of adopting a child. Jeeves drops a glass.
  • Bertie suggests inviting his sister and her three daughters to live with him. Jeeves is visibly alarmed.
• "Am I wrong in thinking that all little girls are hard-bitten thugs of the worst description?"
• Tuppy announces he's playing in a rugby match.
  Tuppy: Upper Bleaching versus Hockley-cum-Meston. Daisy was rather keen that I help Upper Bleaching out.
  Bertie: So you'll be playing for Hockley?
• Daisy's father says the first rugby match had seven deaths, plus two dead spectators. Her mother tries to make things better by saying it's been three years since someone died.
• Tuppy ends up with his leg in a cast. Bingo and Bertie help him into the car, but when they let go of him he topples over.
• Bertie's exasperated expression as Tuppy and Bingo talk about their (ex-)girlfriends.
• Bingo tells Bertie to tell his uncle about Bingo and Mabel's engagement. Bertie refuses, so Bingo physically drags him into the house.
• Bingo's uncle praises Bertie for what he's accomplished, to Bertie's confusion.
  Bertie: I haven't accomplished anything. Have I?
  • Bingo breaks the news that he's claimed Bertie is an author... after introducing Bertie to his uncle, a fan of the novels Bertie supposedly wrote.
  • The influence of those novels prompts Lord Bittlesham to get engaged to a cook. A cook who happens to be Jeeves' fiancée. Bertie tells Jeeves and is confused that he isn't upset, so Jeeves reveals he was looking for a way out of the engagement anyway. And he has an understanding with another young woman — Mabel, Bingo's ex-girlfriend.

Series 3

Bertie Sets Sail

• Bertie wants to make sure he and Jeeves weren't followed to the boat.
  Bertie: No sinister-looking fellows with hats pulled down over their eyes lurking around the customs sheds?
  Jeeves: Only the customs officers, sir.
• "Good Lord, Jeeves! Look at the size of that boat!" "I think the crew will be grateful if you refer to it as a ship, sir." "Really? Touchy about that, are they?"
• Bertie's reaction to seeing his huge stateroom and adjoining bedroom: "Good Lord, Jeeves! And I thought it was going to be some sort of cupboard affair, with you having to clamber up on the top bunk!"
• "Aunt Agatha can't possibly trace us, now can she?"
  Jeeves: I should have thought it extremely unlikely, sir.
  Bertie: Unlikely isn't good enough. Not when she's pursuing me brandishing Honoria Glossop and demanding marriage with menaces.
• Apparently Honoria wants to marry Bertie because she won him in a raffle.
• Jeeves objects to Bertie's new hat.
  Bertie: Rather snappy, eh? I bought it at Bates. [...] I told them I was going to New York and they came up with the goods.
  Jeeves: No mention was made of a carnival or fancy-dress occasion, sir?
  Bertie: Jeeves, it's a perfectly good hat! I shall be the Beau Brummel of Broadway.
  [Jeeves stares at him as if he thinks Bertie has gone completely insane]
  • Bertie wears the hat, to Jeeves' displeasure.
  Bertie: Doesn't look at all bad, does it?
  Jeeves: A violin case would complete the effect very creditably, sir.
  • At the end of the episode Bertie calls it "that Al Capone hat of mine" and tells Jeeves to get rid of it. Jeeves says he already has... by giving it to the lift attendant.
• Tuppy throws a piece of bread at Bertie. It lands in the captain's soup and splashes his uniform.
• Bertie grumbles about Motty following him around "to enliven proceedings by standing at my elbow like a wet weekend in Chalfont St. Giles."
• Bertie asks why Manhattan has so many skyscrapers. Jeeves explains, then Bertie says, "Nothing to do with having got the plans sideways then?"
  Jeeves: No, sir.
  Bertie: That's what Barmy told me.
  • Later Jeeves returns to the subject: "You'll pardon me for saying so, sir, but Mr. Fotheringay-Phipps is not noted for his architectural expertise."
• Bertie's appalled expression when he realises Motty is going to stay with him. Then he tries to object, but Motty's mother threatens to tell Aunt Agatha where he is.
• Bertie comes home to find Jeeves carrying Motty out of a taxi.
  Jeeves: Lord Pershore ran out of money, sir, and the establishment responsible was holding him hostage for the bill.
  • "Good Lord, Jeeves! What would his mother say?" "One does not like to contemplate it, sir."
• Tuppy climbs into a model car and pretends to drive it, while imitating the noise of a car's engine.
• Motty is still hungry in spite of eating porridge, scrambled eggs, five rashers of bacon, mushrooms, toast and marmalade.
  Bertie: Good Lord, Jeeves! The man must have the constitution of a yak.
  Jeeves: Precisely the ruminant I had in mind, sir.
• The lift attendant who has to witness Bertie and Jeeves bringing Motty home. The first time he tries to ignore them. The second time he comments on how late it is. The third time Bertie claims (unprompted) Motty is suffering from food poisoning, to which the attendant snarks, "Did I say anything, sir?"
  • It doesn't help that in their first meeting the attendant seemed to have gotten the impression that the position of a valet is sexual in nature.
• Bertie hears music, opens his door, and finds Motty is holding a noisy party in Bertie's living room.
  • Jeeves loses patience with Motty's parties, so he phones the police and gets Motty arrested.
• Bertie goes to stay with Rocky. Then he discovers Rocky hasn't read his letter yet, and performs a Head Desk on the letter-box.
• Tuppy points out which window is his bedroom's. Bertie asks why he doesn't mark it with an X.
• "If you think I'm going to risk my neck breaking into J. Washburn Stoker's house to steal back your dratted cheque, then you are suffering from one of the more dramatic forms of Brain Fever."
• Tuppy talks Bertie into burgling the house anyway. Bertie gets stuck on a window, the burglar alarm goes off, and he gets shot at by a policeman. He tries to escape by jumping over a wall, only to discover too late he's just jumped into water.
• Bertie gets home and finds Motty has gone.
  Bertie: Where is he, do you know?
  Jeeves: In prison, sir.
• Bertie confronts Tuppy for not turning off the alarm.
  Tuppy: I did! It's just that Stoker forgot to turn it on, so it was off. So when I turned it off, I turned it on.
• The Stokers walk into the restaurant. Bertie points them out to Tuppy, then makes himself scarce by hiding under the table. The table that Pauline sits down at. And when she moves her legs she bumps into Bertie, assumes he's Tuppy, and punches Tuppy.
  • Bertie tries to crawl away. Stoker notices him and stops him before he can escape.
  Stoker: Just what were you doing under our table?
  Bertie: Well, I was, uh, just looking for a spoon.
  Tuppy: Bertie's a, an old chum!
  Stoker: An old chum? Well, let me tell you something, Mr. Glossop. I do not intend to be in business with anybody who is an old chum of Mr. Wooster!
  • Stoker solves Tuppy's problem by ripping up the cheque himself.
• Tuppy angsts that he's lost "the only woman I've loved". Bertie is more interested in the restaurant's food, and Tuppy cheers up immediately when he thinks they might serve crab.

The Full House

• Bertie and Jeeves go to see Rocky, and Bertie says they mustn't stay overnight.
  Jeeves: Might one enquire why?
  Bertie: Because, Jeeves, of all the places on this great planet of ours, West Neck, Long Island has been chosen to be the most unexciting. The last time anything remotely interesting happened here was in 1842, when a tree fell over. They still talk about it in the village.
• Rocky reveals that he "dresses" by throwing on a sweater over his pyjamas.
  Bertie: Don't listen, Jeeves!
  Jeeves: [anguished sob]
  • When Bertie looks round Jeeves is sitting down with his head in his hands.
  Bertie: I'm sorry, Jeeves. You shouldn't have heard that.
  Jeeves: I shall be better directly, sir.
• Rocky's reaction to Jeeves' Sesquipedalian Loquaciousness: "Could he make it a little clearer, Bertie? I thought at the beginning it was going to make sense, but it kind of flickered."
• Jeeves asks for a cup of coffee. The waitress says "You got it!" A bemused Jeeves looks around and says, "I don't think I have."
  • The waitress flirts with Jeeves, to Bertie's exasperation.
  Bertie: Jeeves, you seem to have a fatal fascination for the women of this country.
  Jeeves: Yes. It is a problem, sir.
  Bertie: There's no chance of your switching it off or something, I suppose?
  Jeeves: I regret not, sir. I have to learn to bear it.
  Bertie: As do the rest of us, Jeeves.
• Bertie wakes up. "I have a distinct feeling that I've only been asleep for ten minutes, Jeeves. What time is it?"
  Jeeves: Seven o'clock, sir.
  Bertie: Seven o'clock? Did I ask to be wakened three and a half hours before breakfast?
• "He isn't coming to stay with me out of family affection. He's coming to stay with me because it is free, and he is the biggest cheapskate alive."
• Someone rings the doorbell just after Bertie has sat down.
  Bertie: Whatever they're selling, Jeeves, tell them we have an ample supply already.
  • Bertie's bug-eyed reaction to discovering the person at the door is Rocky's aunt.
  Miss Rockmetteller: Are you Mr. Cole Porter?
  Bertie: No.
  Miss Rockmetteller: Mr. Florenz Ziegfeld?
  Bertie: No.
  Miss Rockmetteller: Well, you must be somebody.
  Bertie: Well, I am! I'm Bertie Wooster.
  Miss Rockmetteller: Is that somebody?
  Bertie: Well...
• Bertie tries to prevent the Duke and Miss Rockmetteller from meeting... by locking the Duke in a room. Miss Rockmetteller hears him knocking to be let out, so Bertie claims it's an earthquake. When that doesn't work he says Jeeves has gotten locked in, only for Jeeves to walk into the room.
  • Bertie and Rocky frantically try to get Miss Rockmetteller out of the flat before the Duke comes back. They get her into the lift, but then she sees the Duke go into the flat.
  Miss Rockmetteller: Who is that man, Rockmetteller?
  Rocky: What man?
  Miss Rockmetteller: The man who just went into your apartment.
  Rocky: Oh, him. He's come to fix the central heating.
  Miss Rockmetteller: But that Englishman called him Dad!
  Rocky: Did he? Oh! Of course he did, because that's his name: Mr. Dadd.
  • The Duke saw Miss Rockmetteller leave and asks who she was. Bertie claims she came to measure the curtains.
• The news of his aunt's visit shocks Rocky so much he faints.
• Jeeves describes the Duke as a "useless property which is capable of being developed".
• The Uncomfortable Elevator Moment, in a lift with too many people in it (there are at least nine passengers, and they're squashed in like sardines). Bertie doesn't have enough room to turn round, so he and the lift attendant awkwardly stare at each other then look around.
• The "pay men to shake hands with the Duke" plan goes badly wrong when Miss Rockmetteller walks in, remembers Rocky's excuse, and tells everyone the Duke is a heating engineer. It ends with Bertie, Bicky, Jeeves and the Duke all running up the fire escape to escape the police. Who are shooting at them.
  • Rocky's reaction to all of this: "I need a drink."
• Miss Rockmetteller says that Jeeves of all people has very little intelligence. Bertie's and Jeeves' reactions◊ are priceless.

Introduction on Broadway

• The sheer fact that Aunt Agatha somehow thought Bertie could find Cyril a good, steady job.
• Corky's "portrait" of Bertie. For some reason Bertie actually considers sending it to Aunt Agatha!
• Worpole tells Bertie to sit down when there isn't a chair in sight. Bertie looks around, then decides to stay standing.
• Jeeves says his plan will cost money (or "require a certain financial outlay", as he puts it). Muriel immediately bursts into tears.
• Cyril gets arrested within minutes of arriving in America... for jaywalking. So he phones Bertie and asks him to bail him out. Bertie doesn't even know who Cyril is at this point.
  Bertie: Of all the dashed nerve!
  • Then Bertie learns Cyril is Aunt Agatha's protégé. Cut to him and Jeeves in the police station.
  Bertie: How long has he been in New York, Jeeves? Did he say?
  Jeeves: He arrived this morning, sir.
  Bertie: Oh my lord, what is Aunt Agatha going to say?
  • Cyril starts complaining as soon as he's let out of the cell, and says American police look like postmen.
• Bertie thinks the "FF" notations on a music sheet are the initials of the actor who sings the song, but is confused by the "ff" notations later in the song.
  Jeeves: Possibly they are meant to indicate fortissimo, sir.
  • Which raises the equally-funny question of how Bertie can play piano so well when he doesn't know the most basic information about sheet music. His music teacher must have had a Herculean task.
• Cyril barges into Bertie's room and exclaims, "Excuse me, ladies! The house is on fire!" Bertie is understandably shocked (not least because he and Jeeves are the only people in the room), until Cyril explains it's his line from the show.
• Bertie comes home with a ridiculous fur coat and a moustache. Jeeves is not amused.
  Jeeves: [about the coat] I only hope the poor creature died a peaceful death, sir.
  • Bertie compares his moustache to Ronald Colman's.
  Jeeves: It was Lord Kitchener who sprang to mind on first sighting, sir.
  • Jeeves buys a new razor hoping it will make Bertie shave off the moustache. When it doesn't work he says moustaches often cause divorces.
  Bertie: Jeeves, I don't care if it's a cause of the staggers in racehorses. I will not have you editing my upper lip.
  • Aunt Agatha sees Bertie.
  Aunt Agatha: Have you been eating soup, Bertie? [...] It seems to have left a stain on your upper lip.
• Bertie meets Muriel in the restaurant and assumes she's waiting for Corky. Instead she introduces him to her husband: Corky's uncle.
• Corky complains that he's being forced to paint Muriel's baby or his uncle will cut off his allowance. Bertie compares the situation to "some awful Greek tragedy".
• At the start of the episode Corky tore up Aunt Agatha's letter, the one where she told Bertie to keep him well away from theatres. Later Aunt Agatha arrives and assumes Bertie got the letter.
  Aunt Agatha: ...As long as you have kept him well away from theatrical circles.
  Bertie: Theatrical circles?
  Aunt Agatha: As I instructed you in my letter.
  Bertie: Letter?
  Aunt Agatha: Will you kindly stop parroting my every word, Bertie?
  Bertie: Parroting?
  • Bertie claims he got the letter and calls it wonderful.
  Aunt Agatha: I don't know what was so very wonderful about it.
• Aunt Agatha says she's going to see a show. The same show Cyril appears in. Bertie tells Cyril to drop out before she sees him.
  Cyril: Leave the show? On the opening night, on the very threshold of my career? Are you mad?
  Bertie: What about the very threshold of my life? Aunt Agatha is coming for the opening.
  Cyril: Well then, she'll see how talented I am and change her tune.
• Bertie barges into the kitchen and exclaims, "Think, Jeeves, think!"
  Jeeves: I am thinking, sir.
  Bertie: Are you thinking, Jeeves? [...] I can never tell, you know.
  • "With respect, sir, I am capable of retaining more than one thought in my mind at the same time."
• Corky invites Bertie and Jeeves to see the finished portrait. They walk into the room and immediately freeze in place, staring in horror◊.
  Corky: I've painted the soul of the subject, Bertie. It's a talent we artists have.
  Bertie: Surely a child of that age wouldn't have had time to get a soul like that! Would he, Jeeves?
  Jeeves: I should think it most unlikely, sir.
  • Corky's uncle arrives.
  Worpole: Is this a practical joke?
  Bertie: I think you want to stand a bit further back from it.
  Worpole: I do, I do. I want to stand so far back I can't see the thing through a telescope.
  Bertie: Try sort of half-closing your eyes.
  • Worpole describes the portrait as an "extract from a drunkard's nightmare".
• Blumenfield Jr. tells Bertie "My pop's richer than you!" and calls Cyril "Fishface". Cyril is so enraged that he chases the boy out of the room and gives him a good hiding.
  • Blumenfield and son show up backstage, recognise Cyril, and get him fired from the show. Then they replace him... with Bertie.
  • "Do you know who you're talking to? This boy is my son!" "Well, you both have my deepest sympathy."
• Cyril has to leave the flat in a hurry. Jeeves suggests the fire escape.
• "Jeeves, you're up to something. I know that look."
• Bertie greets Aunt Agatha and Mr. Prysock with "What ho!"
  Aunt Agatha: Is it possible for you to find a more civilised form of greeting, Bertie?
• Jeeves buys Corky's picture and hangs it in Bertie's flat in spite of Bertie's complaints. Aunt Agatha, who hasn't seen it yet, assumes it's by some great artist and says Bertie knows nothing about art.
  Bertie: I know a bally awful painting when I see one!
  • Aunt Agatha and Mr. Prysock think the painting is an abstract masterpiece and buy it for an art gallery.
• The firemen turn on the firehose. Aunt Agatha is in the way and gets thrown right across the stage.
• At the end Bertie admits that not even he likes his moustache.
  Bertie: I only kept the bally thing on to show you who's master.
  Jeeves: Oh, I trust there was never any doubt about that, sir.

Right Ho, Jeeves

• Bertie practices golf in his living room, and accidentally breaks a vase.
• Bertie says "Dash it" in front of Aunt Agatha.
  Aunt Agatha: Confine that sort of language to the tap room where it belongs.
• Aunt Agatha wants Bertie to propose to Gertrude. Bertie complains that if he did, "we'd be known by all and sundry as Bertie and Gertie, like some dashed music hall act."
  Aunt Agatha: Don't be such a poltroon, Bertie.
• Gussie says he's forgotten the address.
  Bertie: Whose address?
  Gussie: I can't remember.
• Catsmeat announces he's engaged to Gertrude.
  Bertie: Yes, well, that's good, isn't it?
  Catsmeat: No, it's not good. When we got engaged and broke the news to her mother, she let out a yell you could have heard in St. Neots.
  Bertie: St. Neots being?
  Catsmeat: About twenty miles as the crow flies.
  • "Dame Daphne's got about forty-three sisters living with her, and they let out yells too."
• Bertie tells Gussie to take Catsmeat for a meal. When they next appear, they're drunk and being thrown out of a nightclub.
  • The next morning Catsmeat tells Bertie they ended up in Trafalgar Square.
  Catsmeat: Gussie got the idea there might be newts in the fountain and started wading about.
  Bertie: You can't go wading about in Trafalgar Square fountain with all your clothes on!
  Catsmeat: Gussie did.
  Bertie: Lucky he wasn't pinched.
  Catsmeat: He was. A cop came along and gaffed him. He was given fourteen days without the option at Bosher Street Police Court this morning.
  Bertie: Do you know what, Jeeves? [...] Gussie Fink-Nottle's in stir! [Drops his cutlery and jumps up in horror when he realises what this means] Gussie Fink-Nottle's in stir!
  • Bertie sums up the situation: "Gussie will get the bum's rush and the bowed figure you will see shambling down the aisle at Madeline Bassett's side while the organ plays 'The Voice That Breathed O'er Eden' will be Bertram Wilberforce Wooster."
  Catsmeat: I don't see why.
  Bertie: Madeline Bassett labours under the delusion that I am madly in love with her. Well, when a girl thinks you're in love with her and comes to you and says that she's returning her betrothed to store and is prepared to sign up with you instead, what can you do except marry her? One has to be civil.
• "You can't go around London asking people to pretend to be Gussie Fink-Nottle."
• Bertie has some unwarranted confidence in his own intelligence: "If Gussie's brain were constructed of silk, he'd be hard put to it to find sufficient material to make a canary a pair of camiknickers. Five minutes' conversation with me, and the old folks would penetrate the deception like a dose of salt."
  Jeeves: I'm sure that your cool head and undoubted thespian powers will see you through the day, sir.
• Gussie shows up unexpectedly after Bertie has already told everyone he's Gussie. So Bertie makes Gussie pretend to be Bertie. Then Dame Daphne says, "You must be Mr. Wooster."
  Bertie and Gussie: Yes.
• "What ho, Gussie! Or rather, Bertie."
  Gussie: Well, this is a pretty state of things!
  Bertie: Better than being in clink, though.
  Gussie: In prison at least you don't have people calling you Mr. Wooster! How do you think I feel knowing everybody thinks you're me?
  • They both have some complaints about each other.
  Bertie: Do you realise that the little world of King's Deverill is probably going to go to its grave believing that Bertram Wooster is an oversized gargoyle who looks like Lester the Pester in an American comic strip?
  Gussie: In case you are under any illusion, let me inform you those aunts were pulling their skirts aside as I passed when I said I was Bertie Wooster. And as if that wasn't bad enough, you seem to have made my name mud too! Something about trains and Wimbledon and unseemly anecdotes! What's going to happen if they tell Madeline I got up telling unseemly anecdotes?
• Gussie-as-Bertie is asked to sing.
  Bertie: Can you sing, Gussie?
  Gussie: Probably.
  Bertie: What do you mean, probably?
  Gussie: Well, I haven't tried yet, have I?
  • They go over some songs. Gussie complains they're gibberish and he isn't going to stand up and sing "Tweet-tweet, ha-ha, hee-hee".
  Bertie: It's the absolute dernier cri, Gussie. As cris go, this is as dernier as you can get.
  • Gussie agrees to sing anyway.
  Bertie: [Leaving the room and grimacing] Well, if this doesn't bring Gertrude to her senses, nothing will.
  • ...But somehow Gertrude likes Gussie's singing. And she convinces her aunts to like it too!
• While Bertie is worrying about Gertrude falling in love with Gussie, Jeeves says he's arranged for Bertie, Gussie and Gertrude to go golfing together. Bertie complains that Gussie is a terrible golfer and Gertrude will lose interest in him as soon as she sees him play. Jeeves stares at Bertie with a knowing smile until Bertie finally gets the point.
  Bertie: Jeeves, how could I ever doubt you?
  Jeeves: I could not say, sir.
  • The plan goes wrong when they get to the golf course. Gussie has somehow become an excellent golfer, while Bertie plays badly.
• Catsmeat shows up wearing a dreadful fake moustache. Bertie calls it a "face fungus" and says it wouldn't fool a parrot. Then Catsmeat claims to be Bertie's valet.
• Bertie's comment after the golfing fiasco: "Gussie Fink-Nottle is a criminal lunatic."
  Catsmeat: He seems to be infatuated with Gertrude. [Beat] Sorry to use such long words, Bertie.
• "If Madeline doesn't receive a letter from Gussie swearing undying fealty, she's liable to come down here and beat one out of him."
• Catsmeat comes to tell Bertie about the outcome of Gussie's singing.
  Catsmeat: It's an absolute calamity, Bertie!
  Bertie: I know, I heard it.
  Catsmeat: No, you don't understand! They loved it!
• Madeline's telegram says she'll arrive by the earliest train unless she hears from Gussie. Bertie goes to tell Gussie, then finds out they both wrote to Madeline without consulting each other. Bertie claimed that Gussie couldn't write because he had an accident, while Gussie wrote to break up with Madeline.
  • Bertie is so desperate to retrieve Gussie's letter before Madeline reads it that he decides to break into her house.
  • Hilda is about to walk into the room Bertie's in, so he leaps over the sofa and hides behind it.
  • Madeline and Hilda start discussing Bertie while he can hear every word. He looks up briefly, hears Madeline talk about his look of "dumb suffering", rolls his eyes, and dives out of sight again.
• The attempt to steal the letter ends with Hilda shooting at Bertie, followed by him being chased by Madeline, Hilda and a policeman. Cut to poor Bertie in the dock, about to be sentenced when Madeline intervenes and claims he's in love with her.
• Madeline decides she's going to Deverill anyway. And she gets into the same carriage as Aunt Agatha. Who is also going to Deverill, where Bertie and Gussie are still pretending to be each other.
  • Bertie does his best to get there before Madeline.
  Jeeves: The needle on the speedometer indicates that we are travelling at eighty-five miles to the hour, sir.
  Bertie: Good lord! Is that all?
• Aunt Agatha is amazed to hear "Bertie" (actually Gussie) described as a delightful boy.
  Aunt Agatha: There must be some mistake!
• The truth is revealed when Madeline recognises Gussie, shouts his name, and leaps into his arms in front of basically everyone in the house.
• Jeeves gets Bertie out of a sticky situation by pretending to be a policeman and arresting him for possessing an illegal golf club. Bertie waves cheerily over his shoulder as he's led away, and almost walks into a potted plant.
  Aunt Agatha: I can't endure it! Oh, the shame of it!
• "You know, Jeeves, if someone were to come to me and ask if I'd be willing to join a society whose aim will be the suppression of aunts, or who will at least see to it that they are kept on a short chain and not permitted to roam at will scattering desolation on all sides, I'd reply, '[...]Put me down as a foundation member.'"
  Jeeves: I'm sure such a society would not be lacking for subscribers, sir.

Hot Off the Press

• Bertie comes home unusually early and asks if Jeeves is surprised to see him.
  Jeeves: It did occur to me to wonder, sir, whether there had been a conflagration at the Drones Club.
• Jeeves says he put Florence's book next to Bertie's bed, because after glancing through it he thought it would make "an excellent remedy for insomnia".
  • Bertie says Florence gave him the book to improve his mind.
  Jeeves: That seems scarcely possible, sir.
• Bertie breaks the news about his latest engagement, and feels the need to clarify he's engaged to Florence and not Florence's father.
  • Jeeves congratulates Bertie on the engagement, but as soon as Bertie leaves he starts planning ways to have it broken off.
• Florence complains about her uncle's Compromising Memoirs.
  Florence: It's full of stories about people who are the essence of propriety today, but who seem to have behaved when they were in London in the 90s in a manner that would not have been tolerated in the fo'c'sle of a whaler.
  Bertie: But he's always handing down lectures from the bench on the depravity of youth today.
  Florence: The book opens with an account of him and my father being thrown out of a music hall in 1893.
  Bertie: Good lord! Well, yes, it took quite a lot for them to chuck people out of music halls in 93.
  • Other stories in Sir Watkyn's memoirs include a home secretary who in his youth put a jelly down a judge's trousers and someone who did something wearing only a grass skirt and a guardsman's busby.
• Madeline says Bertie is a man of action, then adds that Gussie is a man of intellect.
• Bertie's first attempt to steal the manuscript goes wrong when Sir Watkyn walks in. Bertie claims he was looking for the dining room. Sir Watkyn tells him where it is and adds, "You can't miss it. There are people having dinner in it."
• While urging Bertie to break into the safe Florence references the Battle of Naseby. Bertie has never heard of it.
  Florence: Where on earth did you go to school?
  Bertie: Eton, and we didn't do safe-cracking.
• Bertie tries to get Jeeves to open the safe instead. Jeeves refuses.
  Bertie: You're a hard man, Jeeves.
  Jeeves: But a free one, sir, and it is my ambition to remain in that state.
• Bertie finds Spode trying to smash open the safe with a sledgehammer.
  Spode: I hope that we can talk together, man to man, Wooster.
  Bertie: I can. Don't know how you're going to get up to that level.
  • Spode sets off the burglar alarm, so he and Bertie escape by jumping through the window.
• "I'm not going to stand here all night listening to you talking about your dratted mother, Spode."
• Spode tries to break down the door. Jeeves opens it just as he charges towards it. He sails past Jeeves with a yell, followed by a Offscreen Crash.
• Oates tries to open the safe... with dynamite.
  Sir Watkyn: Shouldn't you take cover, Oates?
  Oates: Don't you worry about me, Sir Watkyn, sir!
  • The explosion is so dramatic that it rains debris on Jeeves and Stinker a good distance away, while Oates ends up covered in ash.
• Bertie says he has to act normal, then almost walks out without his jacket.
• Bartholomew attacks Oates, so Oates arrests him. Sadly this isn't seen, because it raises the question of how he arrested a dog.
• Spode chases Gussie offstage and into a woman's dressing room, then pauses to tip his hat to the startled woman before leaving.
  • After this Gussie demands brandy (apparently forgetting what happened the last time he drank).
  Bertie: You mean orange juice?
  Gussie: I mean brandy. About a bucketful!
  • Gussie's reaction to tasting the brandy: "Ugh! What appalling muck! Like vitriol! How on earth can you drink this stuff for pleasure?"
  Bertie: Well, what are you drinking it for?
  Gussie: I'm drinking it because I've heard it's the stuff that nerves you for frightful ordeals.
  Bertie: The ordeal is over, Gussie.
  Gussie: Oh no, it isn't. Spode's after me because I hit him with my umbrella. Also I've got to go and break into a police station and steal a dog.
• Jeeves says Oates has gone home, right after Gussie left to break into Oates' house. Bertie drops his glass in shock and Jeeves catches it without batting an eyelid.
  • The result of the house-breaking. Oates chases Gussie, who chases Bartholomew, who jumps into the car with Stiffy, who drives off leaving Bertie and Jeeves, who watch as the chase continues and comment on Gussie's ability as a sprinter.
  • Finally Gussie climbs a tree. Oates stands under it and waits for him to come down.
  Bertie: ...What one has not borne in mind, Jeeves, is that Mr. Fink-Nottle is also a fathead. I mean, Constable Oates may not be one of Gloucestershire's brightest thinkers, but he's smart enough to stand under a tree.
  • Jeeves picks up a branch and tells Bertie to look the other way, then whacks Oates.
  Jeeves: I thought it the safest way to avoid unpleasantness, sir.
• After Florence breaks the engagement Bertie criticises Jeeves and says he'll have to think about Jeeves' future in his employ. Then he overhears Florence haranguing the servants.
  Bertie: Yes, well. I've thought about your future, Jeeves, and I think it should continue very much in the vein of your immediate past.
• At the start of the episode Bertie says Florence reminds him of someone. At the end he realises who it is: Aunt Agatha.

Comrade Bingo

• Bingo in disguise yells at his uncle and Bertie. He calls Bertie "the tall thin one with a face like a motor mascot" and says he still owes his tailor for his trousers. Lord Bittlesham doesn't object to Bertie being insulted, but he stops laughing very quickly when Bingo says he does nothing but eat four square meals a day.
• "Great Scott, Bingo! Don't tell me you're in love again!"
  • Bertie tells Jeeves that Bingo has a new girlfriend.
  Jeeves: One had surmised as much, sir, bearing in mind Mr. Little's propensities.
• Bingo explains that he wears a fake beard in case some of his friends recognise him at one of the Red Dawn's rallies, and his prospective father-in-law approves because he thinks Bingo is hiding from the police.
• Bingo says Comrade Butt looks "like a haddock with lung trouble".
• "You don't know how to raise fifty quid, do you?"
  Bertie: [thinks for a minute] Work?
  Bingo: [disappointed] Bertie!
• "It may well be that she has a heart of gold. However, the first thing that strikes one about her is that she also has a tooth of gold."
• Jeeves' reaction to being asked to order "five or six wagonloads" of sardines. He stares at Bertie as if he's horrified by the very thought of sardines!
• Aunt Dahlia's greeting: "Hello, Bertie, you revolting young blot." Followed by, "Are you sober?"
  Bertie: As a judge.
• Bertie says Cornelia Fothergill isn't on his library list.
  Aunt Dahlia: She would be if you were a woman. She specialises in rich goo for the female trade.
• After the dinner Bertie asks what Jeeves thinks of Charlotte.
  Jeeves: I prefer not to express an opinion, sir.
• "Why is it, Jeeves, that the thought of the 'little thing' my Aunt Dahlia wants me to do for her fills me with a nameless foreboding?" "Experience, sir?"
• Bertie sees a portrait of Lord Sidcup.
  Bertie: I know that face, don't I? Ugly devil. No, no, it looks just like that fellow—
  Spode: [stands up, revealing he was sitting for the portrait] Wooster!
  Bertie: Ah! [Grabs the painter, making him accidentally paint a red streak across Spode/Sidcup's face]
• "There's paint in the blood, you see!"
  Bertie: [clearly thinking this is literal] Crikey!
• Bertie's excuse for why he can't attend Spode's farewell speech: "I've got to, uh, polish the golf clubs."
• Bertie knocks a vase over and it splashes Madeline's dress. She yells "Bertie!". Spode overhears, opens the door, and finds Bertie kneeling beside Madeline and holding a bouquet of flowers.
  Spode: Wooster! Get on your feet, you swine!
  • Spode's threat: "If I catch you just once more trying to force yourself on that poor, harmless girl, I shall tear your head off and make you carry it around in a bag!"
  • Bertie gets Spode's title wrong and calls him "Lord Spodecup".
• "Oh, I like the patina." "You don't even know what a patina is!"
  Bertie: Well, no, but it's generally safe to say something like that when confronted with a bit of art.
• Bingo in disguise delivers a threatening letter to his uncle, then appears without the disguise to pretend to be shocked. Bertie isn't fooled.
  Bertie: Silly to ask, really, but you did write that letter, didn't you?
  Bingo: One of the best gent's awfully threatening letters I ever wrote.
• Madeline bets all her money on a horse that has 66 to 1 odds against it winning, just because she thinks it has a "sweet little face".
  Aunt Dahlia: Has anyone told you you're not safe to be out, Madeline?
  • When she recounts this later Madeline says she thought she heard "a little fairy voice" saying the horse's name over and over. Bertie and Jeeves stare at each other silently.
  • In the end Madeline's horse wins, while the horse Bertie bet on comes last.
  Bertie: Good lord! [Beat] Good lord! [Another beat] I mean to say, good lord!
• Spode makes a speech to his Blackshorts, at the same time as Bingo gives a speech on behalf of the Red Dawn to anyone who'll listen. Then Butt reveals Bingo's identity. It ends in a brawl between both groups.
• Bertie falls asleep during Madeline's poetry recital. Spode drags him out of the room by his ear.
  Spode: Even if you cannot remain awake during Miss Bassett's recital, you will at least refrain from snoring.
• "Who wants to break a window silently? Or noisily, if it comes to that?"
• Bertie says he doesn't always pinch policemen's helmets, but does sometimes as an occasional treat.
• The entire attempted burglary.
  • Bertie runs into trouble with the paper. It keeps rolling up when he's trying to cut it, and part of it rolls right off the table. He has to climb onto the table and use his head, knees and one hand to hold it down while struggling to open the treacle with his other hand.
  • The lid flies off the treacle jar and sticks to the ceiling. Bertie holds his hands under it, but it doesn't fall.
  • Bertie tries to pour out the treacle. It doesn't budge until he hits the jar, and then it slithers out in a kind of horrible-looking paste. Bertie tastes it and pulls a disgusted face. Then he gets his hands stuck to the jar. He tries to wipe off the treacle with a handkerchief, but it gets stuck to his hand too. Finally he bites the handkerchief to free his hand, and it sticks to his mouth instead.
  • Mr. Fothergill Sr. walks into the dining room, sees Bertie, and faints in shock. Bertie offers him a drink. When he doesn't wake up Bertie takes the drink himself then carries Fothergill back upstairs.
  Bertie: I think he wanted to ask me, not unreasonably under the circumstances, why I was in his dining room at one in the morning, covered in treacle.
  Aunt Dahlia: But you didn't tell him?
  Bertie: No, I didn't, Aunt Dahlia. I didn't tell him that I was hellbent on stealing his painting in order that his son might be cured of chronic dyspepsia, so that his grateful daughter-in-law would then allow my aunt to publish said daughter-in-law's latest novel in her magazine for ladies of refinement. For one thing I didn't think he'd believe me. And for another thing he'd already fainted.
  • Bertie points out what might happen if he's caught: "Call me old-fashioned, but I have a distinct antipathy to bars on the windows and eating off tin plates."
• In spite of his best efforts Bertie gets talked into making another attempt. This one goes smoothly... except that he steals the wrong painting.
  Aunt Dahlia: Bertie, you curse of the civilised world! If you've burnt the wrong painting, Cornelia will kill me!
• Bertie, Jeeves, Aunt Dahlia and Spode need to stage a break-in in a stately home, to make it look as if someone outside person has stolen two paintings that they themselves have either stolen or destroyed. Bertie is not keen on the part of the plan that requires him to be knocked unconscious; Spode, who suffers from a Running Gag of getting hit in/on the head (and has already had it happen to him this episode) is positively giddy with delight at getting to do it to someone else for a change, and wallops Bertie with a lampstand. "Ba-doing!" Then when Bertie wakes up before they're ready to raise the alarm, Spode repeats the walloping with a heavy vase.
  • Spode's childish glee at being able to both hit Bertie and break a window.
• Fothergill Sr. reveals that he has always hated the painting too and asks Jeeves to throw it in the fire.
  Bertie: So if Everard and Cornelia hadn't politely kept saying how wonderful the old boy's painting was for all these years, the whole thing could have been cleared up in a trice?
  Jeeves: Precisely, sir.
• The lid of the treacle jar finally comes unstuck and lands in Bertie's hand.
  • As he and Jeeves drive away Bertie discovers the treacle is still on his hands, and his cigarette has gotten stuck to it.

Series 4

Return to New York

• Bertie carries Gwladys's painting for her, but it's so big that he's hidden behind it.
  Mr. Coneybear: That you back there, Mr. Wooster?
  Bertie: [sticking his head round the painting] Yes, it's me, Mr. Coneybear.
• Jeeves' dismayed expression when he sees the painting.
  Jeeves: In my untutored opinion, sir, Miss Pendlebury has given Mrs. Gregson somewhat too hungry an expression. A little like a dog regarding a distant bone.
  Bertie: There is no resemblance whatever to a dog regarding a distant bone, Jeeves. The look to which you refer is one of wisdom and tolerance. I particularly asked Miss Pendlebury to include that look, at no extra charge I may say, in spite of that fact that such an expression was far from apparent in the photograph she worked from.
  • Bertie tells Gwladys that Aunt Agatha will love the portrait, and asks Jeeves to back him up.
  Jeeves: I'm sure Mrs. Gregson will lose no time in expressing her opinion of the work, miss.
  • Aunt Agatha is shocked when she sees the portrait and calls it "discoloured canvas".
• Tuppy tries to get a soup-manufacturer interested in a sort of soup that transports him back to his childhood.
  Bertie: But does the populace at large want to be transported back to your childhood, Tuppy? That's what we have to ask ourselves.
• Bertie says Aunt Agatha is in England and he won't see her for a month. He's barely finished speaking when Jeeves announces Aunt Agatha.
  Bertie: Ah. [His eyes widen and he jumps up] Ah!
• Aunt Agatha says Bertie should have told her Gwladys was the artist.
  Aunt Agatha: Had I known she was responsible I would have been more forthright in my criticism.
  Bertie: You could hardly have been more forthright, Aunt Agatha, without physical violence!
• Aunt Agatha brings Claude and Eustace with her, and tells Bertie their father wants them to go to South Africa.
  Bertie: Their father's been dead for years.
• Bertie's Catapult Nightmare after putting up with the twins for a night. "No! No! No more champagne! No, I want to go home!"
  Jeeves: Good afternoon, sir.
  Bertie: Jeeves, I'm getting too old for all this. I feel like something that's been rejected by the Pure Food Committee.
• "Aunt Agatha's behaviour really was beyond the rabbit-proof fence."
• Claude comes back and says he's fallen in love with Marion, so he gave Eustace the slip and is going to stay in New York. He's just gone into the kitchen when Eustace walks in, says he's in love with Marion, so he gave Claude the slip and is going to stay in New York. Then they come face to face.
  Both: What do you think you're doing here?
• "In my experience people who spell Gwladys with a W are seldom noted for their reliability, sir. It gives them romantic notions."
  Bertie: With a W, Jeeves? No, no, no, you spell it with a G.
  Jeeves: If I might draw your attention to the signature on the portrait, sir.
  Bertie: Good lord! G W?
  Jeeves: I blame Alfred, Lord Tennyson and his Idylls of the King, sir. It also accounts for Kathryn, Isybel and Ethyl all spelt with a Y. But Gwladys with a W is a particularly virulent form.
• Tuppy announces his engagement.
  Bertie: Engagement, Tuppy? You mean the poor, unwitting girl said yes?
  Tuppy: She did! I told her. I said, "I may be poor but honest now, but we can soon change all that." In a couple of months' time, I'll have the whole of New York at my feet! [Beat] Well, all the ones who like soup, anyway.
• Aunt Agatha sees Eustace in New York when he's supposed to be en route to South Africa. So Jeeves convinces her she's seeing ghosts. 'Nuff said.
  Aunt Agatha: Bertie, I'm uneasy. [...] I saw quite clearly, as clearly as I see you know, the phantasm of poor dear Eustace.
  Bertie: The what of poor dear Eustace?
• Eustace says that Marion described Claude as hanging around "like a vulture with the croup".
• Bertie tells the twins what's happened.
  Bertie: I've got a bone to pick with you!
  Claude: Not now, old chap. No time for bone-picking. I'm just off to take Marion to the races.
  Eustace: I'm taking Marion to the races!
  Bertie: Neither of you is taking Marion to the races! You were seen this morning by Aunt Agatha. Fortunately she's got it into her head that you were some kind of wraith.
  Claude: That's why I'm going to the wraith track!
• Bertie comes home to find a stranger in his flat, wearing his pyjamas.
  Jeeves: You were about to enquire, I beg to imagine, sir, who is in your pyjamas in the second-best bedroom.
  Bertie: Well, yes, Jeeves. Call me an old fuddy-duddy if you will, but that thought was in the process of crossing my mind.
  • Bertie's reaction after talking to Lucius Pim: "Of all the blasted nerve, Jeeves!"
  Jeeves: The gentleman does seem to have an ample supply of effrontery, sir.
  Bertie: If Lucius Pim thinks I'm going to knuckle under to this ludicrous scheme of his, then Lucius Pim has got another think fast approaching the five-furlong marker.
• The twins show up wearing fake beards. Bertie groans and buries his head in his hands.
• Early in the episode Bertie accidentally spills his drink on the woman in front of him. Later he discovers the woman is Lucius Pim's sister... and her husband thinks Bertie is making advances to her. Bertie happens to be practicing golf indoors when the husband comes to confront him. He trips on a golf ball and ends up on the floor groaning in pain with Bertie standing over him, holding a golf club. His wife walks in and assumes Bertie attacked him.
• "This is a bit steep, Jeeves." "Approaching the perpendicular, sir."
• Bertie, Jeeves and Tuppy go to Bay Shore. So does Marion. So do the twins. So does Aunt Agatha. And none of them know the others are going.
  • Aunt Agatha discovers the twins are neither dead nor on a ship when she comes face to face with them. Cut to them frantically pedalling away on a bicycle, with Aunt Agatha in hot pursuit.
• "I regret that the terms of my employment do not permit me to take part in criminal activity, sir." Deeply ironic, considering Jeeves has already been an accomplice to robbery one episode ago.
  Bertie: There's nothing remotely criminal about bringing two loving hearts together.
  Jeeves: That is not an assertion I should care to see tested in a court of law, sir.
  Bertie: Well, you disappoint me, Jeeves. Is this the way the Jeeveses of old faced fearful odds?
  Jeeves: I should imagine, sir, that it must have been, or else the line would have been speedily extinguished.
• Bertie tries to ask a toddler for his address, and can't understand why he doesn't get an intelligible answer.
• Aunt Agatha is offended when everyone she meets starts giggling at her. Then she discovers her portrait is being used for a soup advert.
  Aunt Agatha: Bertie! Bertie! Bertie!

The Once and Future Ex

• "Damn and blast all reporters. Damn and blast all photographers!"
• Bertie meets Florence's jealous fiancé Stilton and makes the mistake of saying he knows Florence.
  Stilton: Know her well?
  Bertie: Pretty well. [Stilton glares at him] Fairly well. [Stilton continues to glare] Well, tolerably well. [Stilton won't stop glaring] I've met her, I think.
• Edwin threatens to tell his father that Bertie hit him unless Bertie gives him a quarter.
  Bertie: You're a despicable little termite, Edwin.
• Stilton confronts Bertie about his former engagement to Florence. Bertie pretends it was so long ago he can barely remember it.
• Bertie says Clam can come up by the back stairs.
  Jeeves: Rather a long climb for an elderly gentleman, sir.
  Bertie: Longish, Jeeves, longish. These tycoons are tough, though, you know.
  • This plan goes wrong when Clam is mistaken for an intruder and arrested.
• "D'Arcy Cheesewright is an uncouth Cossack!" "Isn't that one of those things clergymen wear?"
• Florence chases Bertie around the table, then kisses him and announces she's going to marry him.
  Bertie: Georgie, I'm engaged to Florence again.
  George: Oh, well, congratulations. That's a bit sudden, isn't it?
  Bertie: Yes, well, Florence is like a volcano. You go around thinking it's been dead for centuries and then suddenly you're covered in red-hot lava.
• Bertie's walking down the stairs when he spots Stilton, and gets such a shock he almost falls. He tries to hide his face, but Stilton recognises him anyway and corners him in the revolving door.
  • A thoroughly exasperated Bertie exclaims, "Do you think I want to marry the blasted woman?" Stilton immediately gets offended at Florence being called a blasted woman.
  • Bertie's method of escaping: he looks past Stilton and says, "What ho, Florence!" Stilton looks round, Bertie makes a run for it, and Stilton ends up spinning around and around in the revolving door.
• Worplesdon and Clam attempt another meeting, at the zoo this time, with Clam disguised as an ape. But Worplesdon mistakes a real ape for Clam...
• "This tendency on the part of the human race to rush around getting engaged to Florence is absolutely inexplicable."
• Bertie follows Boko's example and kicks Edwin in an attempt to get out of the engagement. Unfortunately he happened to choose a moment when Florence is angry with Edwin and wants to kick him herself, so this only endears him to her more.
• Uncle Percy explains why he's so bad-tempered: "You must make allowances, Bertie. You can't judge a man with a son like Edwin by the same standards as men who haven't got a son like Edwin."
• George doesn't show up because he fell asleep.
  George: I didn't wake up till Nobby was banging on the door. I don't know where girls get these expressions from, Bertie.
  Bertie: What expressions?
  George: I couldn't repeat them, not with gentlemen present.
  • George compares Nobby's anger to being attacked by a deranged Pekingese.
  • Bertie asks how it ended.
  George: I'm not sure. It depends what construction you put on the words, "I never want to see or speak to you again in this world or the next, you miserable fathead."
• Bertie says Shakespeare "sounds well enough, but doesn't actually mean anything".
• The costumes worn to the fancy-dress party. Clam and George both go as Edward the Confessor, Uncle Percy as Sinbad the Sailor, and Bertie as Abraham Lincoln. Florence says she's going as "the spirit of regurgitated womanhood" (which turns out to mean a costume that looks like Britannia minus the helmet). And Jeeves goes as... the Phantom of the Opera with a really weird mask? A Regency nobleman who took inspiration from a plague doctor's headgear? Who even knows?
  • Bertie runs into trouble with his hat: it's so big that it covers his eyes when he puts it on.
  • George says there are plenty of Edward the Confessor costumes left over from a film. Sure enough, at least half the men at the party are dressed as Edward the Confessor. This causes confusion when Uncle Percy tries to find Clam.
• "If it doesn't work this time, I'm going to be married to Florence and you're going to be standing on the corner of Broadway and 42nd Street asking passers-by for the price of a new Broadway musical, complete with leading man, soubrette and full chorus."
• Uncle Percy and Clam get chased around the Empire State Building by a crowd of journalists, photographers, and policemen.
• Poor Bertie ends up carrying Florence's trident, and gets stuck when he tries to walk through a door. Then he gets shot at by Stilton and another policeman, and ends up climbing the Empire State Building's tower to escape... with Stilton still in hot pursuit.
• Jeeves used Florence's novel to line Bertie's hat. Florence is furious when she finds out and breaks up with him over it.

Bridegroom Wanted!

• Bertie runs into trouble trying to sing one of Irving Berlin's songs. "Too many words, not enough notes!"
• Bertie lists the benefits to living in America: "Aunt Agatha doesn't live here, Roderick Spode doesn't live here, Madeline Bassett doesn't live here, Honoria Glossop doesn't live here."
• Bingo takes Bertie to meet his latest girlfriend.
  Bertie: Oh, Bingo, you're not in love again?
  Bingo: Of course I am. Wouldn't you be?
  Bertie: No, I blasted well wouldn't!
  • Bertie tells Jeeves that Bingo is in love again, "for the fifty-third time".
  Jeeves: Mr. Little is certainly a warm-hearted gentleman, sir.
  Bertie: Warm-hearted? He has to wear asbestos vests!
• Jeeves discovers Bertie's new hat.
  Jeeves: You'll pardon me mentioning it, sir, but I discovered this article on our hat rack. I can only assume that a tradesman left it.
• Bingo brings up the time Bertie impersonated a novelist, and the conversation promptly gets derailed as he, Bertie and Jeeves disagree on which of them actually has the credit (or blame) for thinking up that scheme.
  • Bertie refuses to impersonate Rosie M. Banks again, to Bingo's disappointment.
  Bingo: I never thought to hear those words from Bertie Wooster.
  Bertie: Yes, well, you've heard them now. Paste them into your hat.
  [Cut to Bingo and Bertie in a bookshop with Rosie M. Banks' latest novel]
  • Bingo sums up the plots of all Rosie M. Banks' novels, and finishes with, "When Uncle Mortimer reads all that, he'll be a gone swan."
• Lord Bittlesham describes his diet at the hospital as "a harsh regime indeed"... while the nurse wheels in a trolley loaded with a whole chicken, a whole fish, a lobster, and a large chocolate cake.
• Jeeves sums up the Glossops' situation: the former Lady Glossop eloped with a conductor, so Sir Roderick wants to remarry. But his future wife is delaying the wedding until Honoria gets married and leaves the house.
  Jeeves: ...she stated that certain specific and scarcely to be anticipated meteorological conditions would have to take place in the infernal regions before she would share a home with Miss Honoria.
  Bertie: Well, amen to that. How do you know so much about the Glossops?
  Jeeves: The butler, Dobson, is an old acquaintance, sir. Dobson has exceptionally keen hearing.
  Bertie: Listens at keyholes you mean?
  Jeeves: Precisely so, sir. He is gathering material for his memoirs.
• Bingo complains that he's going to play tennis with Blair Eggleston, who spends every match complaining about his love life. Bertie asks what's wrong with Eggleston's love life, and Bingo reveals he's in love with Honoria Glossop.
  • Bertie comes up with an idea: pretend he's going to propose to Honoria so Eggleston will hurry up and propose himself. Predictably, it ends with Honoria announcing she's going to marry Bertie.
• Bertie says he sometimes wonders if Jeeves thinks he's a complete idiot.
• Bertie says his life flashed before his eyes when Honoria started talking about the wedding. But the things that he saw include Barmy getting his foot caught in a cake stand and the time Tuppy raffled his trousers to buy another drink.
• Jeeves' plan for getting Bertie out of the engagement: claim he's already engaged and hire an actress to pose as his fiancée.
  Bertie: Jeeves, that is brilliant! Why didn't I think of it?
  Jeeves: I really couldn't say, sir.
• Jeeves says he'll follow Bertie at a distance, because "I should not like to be seen in association with that hat".
  Bertie: [annoyed] Oh, Jeeves! [Turns and trips over a chair]
• Bertie tries to escape in disguise. His disguise is dark glasses and a fake beard and moustache. His plans are foiled when all of the people he's escaping from turn out to be travelling on the same boat.
• While on the boat Bertie meets Sir Roderick, who's also in disguise (an equally terrible one) and also running away from a woman. The reason he's running away? She bought him a dozen pairs of tartan socks after they got engaged and wanted him to drink coffee instead of wine.
  Sir Roderick: I had a vision of our life together, stretching away across the years, with me prancing about in tartan socks with caffeine poisoning.
• Bertie and Sir Roderick swap cabins. Sir Roderick's fiancée arrives at his cabin then runs away screaming when she sees Bertie there, while Waterbury and his thug are confused to find Sir Roderick in Bertie's cabin. Then Jeeves directs them to Cabin 27... where Sir Roderick's fiancée is. She recognises Waterbury as her missing husband and he runs away in terror.
• All of the people who have reason to be annoyed with Bertie corner him on the ship's deck. Bertie asks if Jeeves has anything to suggest.
  Jeeves: Just one thing, sir.
  [Both of them jump overboard. Cut to them arriving at Bertie's flat a considerable time later, both looking like Robinson Crusoe]

The Delayed Arrival

• Bertie gets a letter from Mr. Gorringe, who wants to borrow £1000 from him.
  Bertie: £1000? I don't even know him!
• Jeeves' reaction to seeing Bertie... or rather, Bertie's moustache. He stops and squints as if he thinks his eyes might be playing tricks on him.
  Bertie: Something is arresting your attention, Jeeves. A smut on my nose, perhaps?
  Jeeves: [still looking perturbed] No, sir. On your upper lip. I thought for a moment that a caterpillar had lost its bearings.
  • Bertie asks if Jeeves thinks the moustache is "rather natty".
  Jeeves: No, sir. I do not.
  • Florence, on the other hand, likes the moustache. In the background Jeeves can be seen walking out as soon as she says this.
• Bertie's alarmed expression as Florence and Stilton start arguing in front of him.
• Bertie goes to his club for a drink, then gets a shock when Stilton walks in and threatens to break his "foul neck".
  Bertie: Break my foul neck? Why?
  Stilton: ...[Florence] was raving about that moustache of yours. It made me sick to listen to her.
  • Florence asked Stilton to grow a moustache too. He refused, and she broke up with him because of it.
• "As a matter of fact, I haven't got a cunning fiend's brain." "Ah! That's exactly what you'd say if you did have!"
• The Running Gag where Stilton Cheesewright threatens to break Bertie's "rotten spine in three (then four, then five, then six) places!"
• Florence wants Bertie to take her to a nightclub. And she specifies she wants a low, garish nightclub because she's researching for a novel.
  Bertie: What do you think Stilton would say if he found out that I'd taken his recently-disengaged fiancée to a low, garish nightclub?
  Jeeves: I imagine that he might be somewhat dismayed, sir.
  • Jeeves talks Bertie into taking Florence to a club anyway... and the club is raided by the police. Cut to Bertie in the dock being fined £10.
• Bertie discovers the magistrate who fined him and made jokes at his expense is Stilton's uncle.
• Florence says Stilton has agreed to grow a moustache. Jeeves looks horrified at the thought.
• "Oh, Bertie, if magazines had ears, Milady's Boudoir would be up to them in debt. I've got nasty little men in bowler hats knocking at my door."
• Bertie says he can't go to Brinkley or he'll get his spine broken.
  Aunt Dahlia: You're so selfish, Bertie. You don't know how important this is to me.
  Bertie: Well, you don't know how important my spine is to me. I'm very attached to it.
• "If that doesn't leave me without a stain on my character, well, then I don't know what it does leave me without a stain on."
• Jeeves sums up Stilton's flaws: "Great personal strength, a certain slowness of wit, and an unreliable temper."
• Jeeves's suggestion for what to do about Aunt Dahlia's necklace: "...it would seem that something in the nature of a burglarious entry is required, as a result of which the necklace will be abstracted."
  Bertie: Has that mighty brain at last come unglued? Where is Mrs. Travers going to find a burglar at this time of night? The Army and Navy Stores?
  Jeeves: I was thinking that perhaps you might be persuaded to undertake the task, sir.
  Bertie: Me, Jeeves?
  • Bertie refuses to have anything to do with the plan. Cut to him climbing a ladder to what he thinks is Aunt Dahlia's window... and finding himself in Florence's room.
• Stilton comes to see Florence while Bertie is still in her room. He hides in the wardrobe, and is horrified to overhear her announce her intention to marry him. He's so shaken that he knocks over some of her clothes. Stilton goes to investigate, finds Bertie, and jumps to conclusions.
• Aunt Dahlia hears about what happened.
  Aunt Dahlia: Don't tell me you climbed into the wrong bedroom!
  Bertie: It could scarcely have been wronger. Florence Craye's.
  Aunt Dahlia: You'll have to marry the girl.
  Bertie: Exactly what she has in mind.
• The real Daphne Moorhead is delayed, so Jeeves and Aunt Dahlia have an idea: get Bertie to impersonate her!
  Bertie: No! Seriously and definitely no! I'm prepared to do many things for you, Aunt Dahlia, but putting on earrings and a frock and pretending to be an American lady novelist is not among them. Besides, I've got a moustache.
  Aunt Dahlia: With a lady novelist that's a positive asset. Bertie, you've got to!
  Bertie: I am sorry, Aunt Dahlia. Jeeves gets these wild ideas about dressing up as American lady novelists and climbing in through bedroom windows, you seize upon them without a moment's thought, and I'm the one who's expected... [He stops, then turns and smiles] Jeeves!
  [Jeeves realises what this means and gains an Oh, Crap! expression]
  • A few minutes later Jeeves arrives at the house. In drag. With an American accent.
• The show's first genuine slice of Ho Yay which comes completely out of nowhere, spoken by Jeeves Disguised in Drag:
  Jeeves: Why are you men holding hands like that? Is that some sort of English custom?
• Aunt Dahlia frantically tries to delay the jewellery expert. Her efforts include pretending to have seen a burglar and breaking a vase over the man's head.
• Aunt Dahlia has to find an explanation for the "stolen" necklace. So Jeeves convinces Bertie to impersonate a maid and confess to stealing them.

Trouble at Totleigh Towers

• Jeeves really wants to go to Cuba, to Bertie's exasperation.
  Bertie: Jeeves, how is it that you turn any conversation round to your dratted obsession about us going to Cuba? [...] I'm not traipsing half-way round the globe to enable you to dangle a hook in the water in the hope of catching a haddock.
  Jeeves: Hardly, sir. The tarpon or megalops atlanticus was more the prey I had in mind.
• Bertie's comments on the places he's stayed.
  Bertie: Long before [a week's over], the conversation at dinner turns to how good the train service to London is.
• "Sir Watkyn Bassett looks like the before photo in an advert for indigestion pills."
• Emerald says she thinks Gussie is a lamb.
  Bertie: No, you mean a fish. Looks like a halibut.
• When Bertie goes to his club he walks into the middle of some sort of fight, where the contestants are carried on each other's shoulders and hitting their opponents with rolled-up newspapers.
• Stinker tells Bertie there are supernatural things happening at Totleigh Towers.
  Bertie: You're not yourself, Stinker, or you wouldn't be gibbering like this.
• Stiffy wants Bertie to come to Totleigh. Bertie, remembering what happened the last time he did something for Stiffy, refuses.
  Stinker: She'll be terribly disappointed.
  Bertie: You'll administer spiritual solace.
• When Bertie gets home Jeeves starts to greet him with "Good afternoon, sir." He gets as far as "afternoon" before he sees Bertie's hat, and he stares in horror before remembering to add "sir".
  Jeeves: Did you purchase the article in a shop, sir?
  Bertie: Of course I bought it in a shop, Jeeves. Department store.
  Jeeves: I see, sir. One reads about such places, of course.
• Bertie calls Gussie "as pronounced a fathead as ever broke biscuit".
• Madeline runs out of the room in tears after talking to Bertie. Spode witnesses this and assumes it's Bertie's fault.
  Spode: You've made her cry, you heartless swine!
• Sir Watkyn learns Bertie has come to stay for a week... after Bertie arrives.
  Sir Watkyn: [looking utterly despairing] Good God!
• "Well, Jeeves, Totleigh is still the hellhole we know and love."
• Bertie's reaction to hearing all is not well between Gussie and Madeline: "Jeeves, I have the unpleasant feeling that centipedes are sauntering up and down my spinal column, waving to their friends."
• Gussie's disgusted expression as he attempts to eat a Brussel sprout. Then he asks why Madeline is eating roast beef when she's meant to be a vegetarian.
  Madeline: Oh, Gussie! How could you? How cruel!
  Spode: You devil in human form, Fink-Nottle!
• Stiffy thinks Sir Watkyn has bought a cursed antique, and it's making him nasty.
  Bertie: Stiffy, I hate to be the one to break this to you, but your uncle Watkyn has always been nasty.
• Stiffy outlines her plan for Bertie to steal the antique.
  Bertie: No, Stiffy. I'm sorry, but I have never in my life heard such an earful of unadulterated gabber.
• Sir Watkyn hears something late at night, so he and Spode go to investigate. Sir Watkyn is carrying his gun. Spode is carrying a teddy bear.
• Stiffy's plan gets Bertie in trouble, so Jeeves has to pretend to be a policeman and "arrests" Bertie.
• Oates and Spode try to search Bertie's room for the missing antique. But by this time Bertie has replaced the antique. So when they go down to the dining room it's in its usual place, and they're left looking very silly.
• Gussie goes to Sir Watkyn and complains about Spode's presence.
  Madeline: He said to Daddy that he was sick and tired of seeing Roderick clumping about the place as if it belonged to him, and if Daddy had an ounce more sense than a billiard ball, he would charge him rent.
• Stinker tells Gussie, "Roderick Spode's looking for you because he wants to tear you limb from limb for kissing the cook." Gussie runs away in terror... right into Spode.
  Spode: I'm now going to break your neck, Fink-Nottle!
  Stiffy: [to Stinker and Bertie] Well, one of you do something!
  Bertie: [shaking his head] I'm a coward.
• Gussie finally liberates himself from Madeleine Bassett, who's been making him eat a vegetarian diet.
  Gussie: In that case, I am going to eat a ham sandwich!
• Madeline says she's going to marry Bertie. Sir Watkyn tries to make the best of it.
  Sir Watkyn: Perhaps you have hidden depths, Wooster. Is that it?
  Bertie: I don't think so. No one's ever mentioned it, anyway.
  Sir Watkyn: [facepalm] Oh, my God.

The Exes are Nearly Married Off

• Bertie sees an article on Spode and Madeline's engagement.
  Bertie: Do you ever feel like throwing open the window and shouting that the world is a wonderful place, Jeeves? [...] Dancing in the street? Scattering petals on the passers-by?
  Jeeves: Only infrequently, sir.
  Bertie: Well then, it's quite obvious you've never been threatened with marriage by the appalling Madeline Bassett only to be saved at the bell by the intervention of the unspeakable Roderick Spode.
  Jeeves: They make an... interesting couple, don't they, sir?
• Tuppy reminisces about the time he and Barmy attended one of Spode's rallies dressed as Blackshorts and pelted him with turnips.
• Tuppy says he's sunk all his money into a drain-cleaning invention.
  Bertie: You haven't got any money.
  Tuppy: Yes, well. All my father's money.
  • Bertie's stunned reaction to hearing about the invention. He stares at Tuppy in silence for a minute before asking, "Is that a joke?"
• Bertie nearly gets run down. His annoyance at this turns to astonishment when he discovers the driver is Brinkley. And Brinkley has the audacity to call Jeeves "Reggie"!
• Bertie is appalled to hear the Junior Ganymede's club book has been stolen.
  Bertie: It's been stolen? The book in which you've written down all my endearing eccentricities for the amusement of your fellow Ganymedians?
  Jeeves: Not only your characteristics, sir, but the idiosyncrasies of all the gentlemen's gentlemen's gentlemen, if I may so put it.
• Ginger says he's standing for Parliament.
  Bertie: But you're an absolute idiot, Ginger!
  Ginger: I know!
• Bertie says Ginger's fiancée sounds just like Florence Craye. Florence walks in and asks who sounds just like her.
• The drain is clogged in Bertie's bathtub.
  Bertie: Got the plug out, have you?
  Jeeves: That was among the first things I thought of, sir.
• "Let's get out of here, Jeeves. We've got a burglary to commit."
• Tuppy comes to Totleigh Towers in disguise. His disguise would be more convincing if he'd remembered to glue both sides of his moustache in place.
  • Tuppy brings the invention, which works too well. Water starts spurting out of the drains, the baths, and even out of a statue.
• Aunt Agatha tells Bertie that Madeline won't marry Spode if Spode renounces his title, so she once again plans to marry Bertie. Bertie compares himself to Dante travelling through the nine circles of hell.
  Bertie: [Dante]'s the chap. Well, those fellows he bumped into had it easy.
  Jeeves: One could beg to take issue with you there, sir.
  Bertie: Were any of them engaged to marry Florence Craye?
  Jeeves: The poet makes no mention of it, sir.
  Bertie: Or condemned to stand whey-faced and trembling at the altar steps while Madeline Bassett advanced on them up the aisle on the arm of her father?
  Jeeves: Indeed not, sir.
  • "Fate has dealt me the royal flush, Jeeves. I'm engaged to Madeline Bassett and Lady Florence at the same time."
• Spode comes face-to-face with Tuppy.
  Spode: I'll butter you all over the lawn! And then I'm going to dance on the fragments in hobnail boots! [He throws Tuppy out the window]
• Bertie tries to blackmail Spode with the word "Celia". This backfires on him when Spode realises he doesn't know what Celia means.
  • Then Jeeves reveals what Celia is: a kangaroo!
• During Spode and Madeline's wedding the church begins to shake. A horrified Bertie realises Tuppy's machine is still running. Cue the baptismal font exploding and dirty water spraying everywhere. It ends with an enraged Spode and Madeline, followed by most of the guests, chasing Bertie and Jeeves out of the church.

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