Funny / If The Emperor Had A Text To Speech Device Main Episodes

Season 1

Episode 1: Adorable Centurion

• The first thing the Emperor says.
  The Emperor: About fucking time. (...) I have so many things to complain about.
• The Emperor weighs in on Roboute Guilliman and the Ultramarines.
  The Emperor: Cut his life supports and tell that stupid fucking smurf village to fuck right off.
• The Emperor's reaction to the Dreadknight and the achievements of Kaldor Draigo is quite a sight for sore eyes.
  The Emperor: For the love of all stop signs in the galaxy. Cease. And. Fucking. Desist.
• His reaction to the Centurion:
  The Emperor: What in the fuck. That is actually very cute. Look at its little legs and over-sized body. Adorable. Come to Papa, you.
  Dreadknight: What? Wait! No! DON'T! (the Centurion jumps on him) UEEEERGH!
  The Emperor: Yes. This is funny to me.

Episode 2: Religiosity

• Upon learning that the Imperium had been turned to a religion in his name, the Emperor becomes so furious that he loses control of his voice and begins psychically smacking Himself on the side of the head.

Episode 3: The Age of Apostasy

• The episode starts out with an extended Let Me Get This Straight... from the Emperor, with Kitten interjecting with apologies now and then.
• The Emperor's reaction to the name "Goge Vandire"
  G-O-G-E Vandire. That name just screams "I'm going to take your eye sockets and put my penis into them."
• This leads into a long flashback of Kitten informing Alicia Dominica about Goge's actions, leading to an extended Offscreen Moment of Awesome from her as she confronts and executes Goge.
  The Emperor: Right, right. I think I remember that too. Some girl came in here, and stared at me with depraved, flustered eyes. If I had the proper bodily components left, I would have probably gotten a fairly insecure boner.
  Kitten: That's the Adeptas Sororitas for ya!
  The Emperor: ...you haven't made female space-marines, have you?
  Kitten: Huh? Oh no, that isn't even possible. Only lewd and deviant artists of pen and parchment would ever come up with something like that. ...even then if we do catch one of them in the middle of the process we end up throwing them into the firing squads.
• Goge Vandire's last words: "I don't have time to die... I'M TOO BUSY!" Fresh's hilarious delivery aside, what makes it funnier is that his last words are canon.

Episode 4: The Inquisition

• The Emperor is rather insistent that Kitten fill him in on the Inquisition, One explanation later, a whistling teakettle is heard as the Emperor craps out yet at least five warp storms in his fury.
  Soldier: Why are there so many warp storms?!
• Kitten brings up a time the Space Wolves and Grey Knights worked together. The Emperor wastes no time in tearing into them again.
  The Emperor: Now you're bringing up those fucking Grey Knights again, with that stupid-ass baby carrier Dreadknight thing. My inexistent eyes are still sore from seeing that abomination.
• Every time Kitten points out one of the high points of the Inquisition's work the Emperor always cuts it off with the same question which inevitably turns those high points into yet more atrocities. The question?
  The Emperor: And then whot?

Episode 5: Malcador the Hero

• The episode starts on a somber note, as the Emperor flashbacks to Malcador's death. Cut back to the present... where Kitten is poking at the unresponsive Emperor with his halberd, accompanied by squeaky-toy noises.

Episode 6: High Lords of Terra

• The High Lords of Terra? You know, the people who are responsible for running the Imperium on a daily basis? They're a bunch of senile old weirdos who consider the discussion of the banning of laxatives for everyone but themselves. Let's go down the roster of the High Lords of Terra, shall we?
  • The Master of the Administratum is arguably the most alarming of the four, throwing out ideas for laws that are mostly petty if not outright pointless, largely self-serving, and only add to the already disgustingly long Book of Judgement. More terrifying still he's either blissfully ignorant to that fact or just doesn't care.
  • The Grand Provost Marshal is the most senile of the four, is so obsessed with the law that he makes regular use of Judge Dredd's "I AM THE LAW!" catchphrase, and by is own admission later in the series making new laws is his favorite thing which doesn't go down well when you have someone like the Master of the Administratum throwing out bad ideas left and right.
  • The Lord Commander Militant of the Imperial Guard is relatively lucid compared to the Grand Provost Marshal or the Master of the Administratum, but for all the wrong reasons. He knows that he needs to keep the top military officials of the Imperial Guard functioning and capable of doing their job, but sees your base level guardsman as little more than the lasguns they carry.
  • The Fabricator General of Mars isn't so much senile as he is detached from reality. Everything he says comes out as a little tune. Shares the Adeptus Mechanicus' obsession with technology and habit of constantly saying that people should replace their flesh withe mechanical parts, but is dialed up to 11. He thinks the discussion is stupid and everyone should just have their rectums replaced with servo skulls.

Episode 7: Fabulous Custodes

• The Emperor wants to meet some of his Companions, his personal bodyguards, some of this closest confidants, his favorite soldiers in the galaxy, who he hasn't seen for nine thousand years. He's not impressed when his caretaker explains that they haven't done much since then but hang around the palace, even though the Emperor gave them some of the best equipment available.
  The Custodes: Yehehehah about that, my lord... most of us Custodes have not only sworn an oath to never leave Terra and your presence after the Horus Heresy, but have also redefined the use of our wargear and armour as to show that we're mourning for your loss. It's quite hard to explain, but, ummm...
  (long, awkward silence)
  The Emperor: ...Bring in some of the Custodes here. Some of my Companions, to be exact. Do it now.
  The Custodes: A-are you sure?
  The Emperor: Do. It. Now.
  The Custodes: Very well just a moment my lord! (rushes off)
• Cue "Awaken" and the grand debut of the "Fabulous Custodes," a trio of Stripperiffic Macho Camp Yes Men dressed as the Pillar Men.
  The Custodes: Sorry...
  The Emperor: Holy shit. What in the name of Terra on fucking roller skates is this?
  Karstodes: Mmm, mmm, mmm! My GLORIOUS overlord! The Emperor of Mankind! I am honoured to be in your presence once more...
  Custodisi: It has truly been too long, my lord.
  Whammudes: My oiled abs quiver at your voice!
  The Emperor: So this is how you mourn the death of me, huh?
  The Custodes: I just want you to know, my lord, that this was not my idea-
  Karstodes: You! We don't see you much around anymore, brother. What was your name again?
  The Custodes: My name is-
  Custodisi: Didn't we used to call him "little kitten" before he was elected as the Emperor's own personal caretaker?
  Whammudes: Ohhhh my. I remember that little bottom anywhere. (aroused snickering)
  Karstodes: Heheheh, I remember now. Little Kitten, the elected one, purring his way so far into our ranks. You weren't ever useful for anything other than sweet talk, were you? Speaking of which... my glorious overlord!
  The Emperor: This shit is so surreal. Am I on drugs?
• The Emperor is outraged that his best soldiers can't even remember the last time they killed something, and wonders what exactly they do - "stand around and fap in the palace?"
  Whammudes: Only on Thursdays...
• The episode's description completes the funny: "Yes, this is canon. Thank you Rogue Trader." Back in the every first edition of 40k, there was indeed a piece of fluff (and art!◊) explaining that the Custodes had given up the use of their armor out of shame for failing to protect the Emperor. The problem was, there wasn't any fluff indicating that the Custodes had put their armor back on until The Beast Arises (which came out two years after this episode). At any rate, it's still canon that in the period immediately after the Emperor's fall, the Custodes went about with nothing on between their belts and helmets.
  • On a more meta note, the Fabstodes have become such a hilarious meme that nearly every wiki and other source dealing with the Custodes has to stop to make a point that yes, the current era of Custodes are wearing their armor.
    • This fact finally got addressed in episode 27 - see below.

Episode 8: Tyranids

• The Emperor's inistence on calling Marneus Calgar Papa Smurf:
  Kitten: ...What the fuck is a "smurf" anyway?
• The Emperor's reaction to the evacutation of Marneus Calgar resulting the death of the Honour Guard of the 1st Company of the Ultramarines:
  Emperor: So, this guy could not even fight an overgrown fucking Bug Gargamel and ended up force feeding his bodyguards to it.
• The Emperor's reaction to the Ultramarines' final battle against Hive Fleet Behemoth, where an Emperor-Class Battleship was unnecessarily lost in the Warp for minions of Chaos to find.
  Emperor: I am sorry. I am just ABSOLUTELY LIVID at the moment.
• The Emperor discusses the problems with dumping an Emperor-Class battleship into the Warp.
  The Emperor: So this asshole Papa Smurf instead of just calling back his fleets to a more advantageous position in, y'know, fucking space, let one of those warships be lost forever in the warp for some depraved minion of Chaos to find and diddle around with?
  (meanwhile in the Warp)
  Dark Mechanicus: (looking at the battleship) THIS IS GETTING ME HARDER THAN TERMINATOR ARMOR!~

Episode 9: Necrons

• Cypher the infamous Fallen and most wanted man by the Dark Angels has a squeaky voice and is the reason he doesn't spend much time with people.
• The Fabricator General apperently can't say the word "buttcheeks" without malfunctioning and then self-destructing. Yet he shows right back up a few minutes later and no one comments.
• Also Karamazov's comment regarding Decius' hat to be the shape of a penis. Cue laughing from the High Lords.
  Karamazov: Hmph! Well, your hat looks like a penis. (The High Lords all start laughing)
• The Emperor is skeptical about the Astral Knights, upset that yet another legion was around that he didn't create... until he hears the full details of their exploits, belatedly claiming that they were one of the "secret legions" he'd created prior to the Grand Crusade and didn't tell anyone about.

Episode 10: Bold and Foolish

• We start with a singing parody of Les Misérables (2012), which ends when "Javert" is knocked unconscious by a trio of Inquisitors. The Valjean expy doesn't even comment on it, he just runs away.
• "SHUT UP, LITTLE BILLY!"
• Kitten tries to jump like the rest of the Custodes... only to fall flat on his face.
  Kitten: I'm fucking done.

Season 2

Episode 11: Intervention

• The off-screen telepathic conversation between Kitten and the Emperor. It sounds less like a psychic communion between powers like unto a demigod and god about matters of galactic import, and more like a cell phone conversation between a guy and his father.
• Karamazov mocking Kitten for his threats to kill him for his refusal to obey the Emperor's orders, only to be rapidly turned around when Kitten, the Captain-General of the Adeptus Custodes, summons all of them to surround Karamazov.
  Karamazov: What in the Eldar's sparkly shit are you talking about?! ("Awaken" begins playing and dozens of Adeptus Custodes surround his throne) Oh. That's what you are talking about....
• Dominique's reaction to the Custodes.
  Dominique: Hey, Fyodor, we're surrounded again! And this time by loads of half-naked men! It's like a ruddy ocean of bare nipples and bulging muscles. It's making me moist.

Episode 12: Primarch Pessimism

• When The Emperor states he knows exactly who to blame for the itching of his nonexistent nose the scene cuts away to the Chaos Gods have a little chat.
  Slaneesh: OOOOH! All this excitement and torment is getting me SO DAMN HORNY! Anyone of you, please, ram this chainaxe deep inside me and rev it as hard as you can!
  Khorne: (off-screen) Who in the everloving MOTHERFUCKING COCKBISCUITS STOLE MY CHAINAXE!?!
• When the Emperor describes how awful it is being stuck on the Golden Throne, and how much his nose itches, Kitten decides to change the subject.
  Emperor: Do it fucking fast. I'm feeling a giant warp storm incoming.
  Kitten: I... uhhh... SO, HOW ABOUT THOSE TRAITOR LEGIONS, HUH?!
  Emperor: SERIOUSLY. YEAH, THANKS FOR REMINDING MEEEEEEEEEEEEE—
  Kitten: AAAAAAHHHHH—
• After the Emperor calms down, he and Kitten discuss the flaws of all his sons (except Sanguinius, the Emperor's golden hawk-boy), leading Kitten to some Fridge Logic about the Horus Heresy.
  Kitten: I have to ask, since it's apparently my duty nowadays - why did you not tell them what you were going to do back on Terra?
  Emperor: Well, what was I supposed to say? I can't just tell my own children that I am building a gate into the webway because I need some booty and Eldar prostitutes are cheaper and a lot less shoddy.
  Kitten: I'm sorry, WHAT?!
  Emperor: I said, I can't just tell my own children that I am building a gate into the webway because Humanity needs some booting up in its transportation department and Eldar webways are safer, and a lot less shoddy than warp travel.

Episode 12.5: Awful Answers

• The episode opens with a short speech with the Emperor, expressing his grief, sorrow, and despair at being able to do nothing but watch as Mankind deteriorated over thousands of years. The speech itself is genuinely sad and is likely very accurate to how the Emperor would feel if he were to miraculously awaken in Warhammer 40,000 canon. However, this show being what it is this speech takes a rather humorous turn at the end.
  The Emperor: I am the Emperor. For millenia I have stridden across life carefully watching as the seed of what is to come has risen from its earthly barrows into the starlit sky. This seed, known as Mankind, I have existed along from the time of my birth. I let the seed grow, I nurtured it, did my best to have it remain healthy and secure. But, as it kept on growing, I could not keep up. I could not come with it, but could only watch from afar as its health deteriorated and vegetation grew bleak. As I entered into the realm of the half-life the only thing I could experience was despair. My work that I had driven to construct for such a long time had been obliterated in but a mere moment. Mankind, my once pure seed, had fallen into the hands of sheer, corrosive, and preposterous prudence. And at no other time has this been displayed as intensely as this very moment. Because holy fucking shit these questions are the worst fucking shit I have ever read what ever became of mankind?
• The Emperor keeps either complaining or snarking about the quality of the questions addressed to him and the intelligence of their senders. At one point though, when the next asker is told to be a chaplain, he finds himself raising his hopes for his question. However, when said question turns out to be: "Why can't we all just be friends and stop fighting?"...
  (Record Needle Scratch)
  The Emperor: How could this happen to meee!
  I made my mistaaaakes!
  Got nowhere to ruuuun...
  The night goes on as I'm fading awaaaaaaay!
  I'm sick of this liiiiife.
  I just wanna screeeeeeaaaaaaammmmm
  How could this happen to me...
  • Even funnier since the text to speech device is rendering everything in a monotone.
• When "HERETIC" from World "REDACTED" asks if the Emperor didn't strike Horus down because he had "sexually confused feelings" for the Primarch, the Emperor responds thusly:
  The Emperor: I am deeply disgusted by you and hope you explode. In fact...
  (a distant explosion is heard)
• Another letter asks the Emperor if he thinks love can bloom on the battlefield, and specifically asks for the Emperor's blessing for a relationship between a human and an eldar (a reference to /tg's Crack Pairing between a Vindicare Assassin and a Farseer). The Emperor explains that the eldar view humans the same way humans view apes, as primitive creatures using only the simplest of tools, so this eldar chick is effectively into bestiality, and will probably get all sorts of horrible space STDs to bring back to her home craftworld and kill half its population. "So yes, you have my blessing."
• The first question. Namely, WHY KHORNE LOVES PONIES?
  The Emperor: I have no mouth, and I must scream.
• The reveal that the Continuity Snarl surrounding exactly who stood between Horus and the Emperor on the Vengeful Spirit was due to Ollanius Pius sacrificing himself... followed by a Terminator and then a Custodes who couldn't bear being upstaged by a mere mortal. And Kitten apparently convinced the Custodes to do it.
• Even Kitten starts losing his faith in humanity after a particular question: If the Emperor can still poop.
  Kitten: I fucking hate this Imperium...
  • Even later on...
    Kitten: Sometimes I question why I fight for humanity...

Episode 13: The Fifteenth Son

• From Magnus' flashback: "There's still time to warn him! I could save everyone... If there wasn't a fucking WALL IN THE WAY!"
  • Not to mention Tzeentch's taunts are so utterly petty and immature. It's hilariously audacious that someone would dare write Tzeentch, one of the furthest-planning, most diabolical Magnificent Bastards in all of fiction as a schoolyard bully. Of course, they still work, so why use a Machiavellian scheme when some old-fashioned Reverse Psychology will do?
  • What's more, the Emperor seems to be in on the joke when he tells Magnus "that boy aint any good for you son."
• Magnus celebrating after taking down the psychic wall around Terra.
  Magnus: I am the mightiest psyker in the galaxy! I am the STRONGEST! SUCK IT, LEMAN, YOU FURRY FUCK!"
  [Suddenly Daemons]
• Magnus even manages to make his entrance hilarious.
  Magnus: NO PATHETIC BOX CAN HOLD ME LIKE THIS!!! *Panting furiously* Where...where are those Ultramarines...? By Tzeentch I will boil you disdainful loyalists in your own armors...
  Emperor: Wow! The Ultramarines succeeded in bringing Magnus here after all. That is absolutely fucking hilarious.
  Magnus: ...Father? Father...!? THE CORPSE EMPEROR?! MY FATHER?!
  Emperor: Yes, yes. Stop yelling so fucking loudly, you daemonic good-for-nothing bookbanger.

Episode 14: Greatest of Psykers

• We are introduced to a jaded, depressed Marneus Calgar and... his second captain Cato Sicarius. A squeaky-voiced, obnoxious, completely invincible, Flanderized-to-hell-and-back Cato Sicarius. It must be seen to be believed.
  • And before that, an Ultramarine reports to Marneus Calgar. His reaction is PRICELESS
    Marneus Calgar: Congratulations. You once more managed to suceed, on an impossible mission... WHERE YOU SHOULD'VE DIED! You went straight through a literal hellscape, containing legions upon legions of eldritch abominations, and some of the most elite Chaos Space Marines the enemy would have to offer, that even the greatest of warriours would perish to. BUT NO! You succeeded because you were trained by the BOOK! The holy codex of our OH SO WONDERFUL I COULD SHIT MY POWER PANTS SPIRITUAL LIEGE!
    Ultramarine: Yes indeed, my lord! We did it.
  • "Imperial Fisting"...
  • The Emperor projects himself into the Warp to take back Magnus' soul, and... well you know how Tzeentch was turned into a petty little jerk in the last episode? Well the Emperor isn't any more dignified.
  • Almost every god of 40 K having a chat online.
  • Cegorach trolling Ahriman when the latter tries to break into the Black Library.
• Ahriman is absolutely furious when he's dumped back to home base by Cegorach and he goes on a massive rant before resigning himself to needing a vacation only to be told by one of his Rubrics he can't. Ahriman completely goes off on him.
  Ahriman: Alright, I don't know about the rest of you but I've got sick of this for the time being. Why don't we all just go to some beach or Slaaneshi pub somewhere and just...get a drink or something. Yes, somewhere where there should be ladies. Real ladies, with boobs. And not dicks!
  Rubric Marine: Ummm...hehe...well my lord, I'm afraid we cannot do that, Master.
  Ahriman: Excuse me!? Excuuuuuse me!? But what in all of the warp makes you think that you have the right to voice your shoddy little opinion at me, maggot!? I'm the one who gave it back to you in the first place! And additionally, if I want to take a fucking vacation I will take one when and wherever the fuck I please! And YOU will crawl up a Hive Tyrant's ass!

Episode 15: Tau

• How does the Emperor get Kitten to talk about it when the latter proves reluctant? By threatening to have Kitten be the target in the next "Seek-and-Destroy" mission in the next Blood Games, implying that the destruction would be a bit more literal.
  Kitten: I thought you were supposed to be charismatic when persuading people to obey you!
  The Emperor: I am. Because I know you secretly like this.
  Kitten: OKAY! We are stopping right here! The guardsmen just dropped dead, time to make a 180 and drastically change the subject!
• Kitten uncharacteristically flipping his shit over the Tau and acting utterly dismissive of the entire race.
  The Emperor: I am genuinely sickened when you put it in these contexts. I hope all this repressed anger isn't from some pseudo weird first-hand experience.
  Kitten: I'd rather not say.
• Magnus interrupts to play Devil's Advocate, saying that The Emperor shouldn't be brainwashed by Kitten... only to then ask if The Emperor's brain even exists at this point. The Emperor doesn't know either.
• Magnus throws a particularly good insult at Kitten when he interrupts his attempts to turn the Emperor on the Tau. The Emperor of course, encourages this.
  Magnus: For looking like a yellow submarine there seems to be a distinctive lack of intelligent life living inside your head.
  The Emperor: That's fucking hilarious.
  • Kitten's biggest hang-up is the forced sterilization the Tau practice. Kitten concedes the point when Magnus points out that the Imperium has The Inquisition run their own sterilization camps, and Chaos... suffice to say, Slaanesh has a weird sense of humor.
  • Kitten trying hard to convince the Emperor to not let the Tau join the Imperium.
    Kitten: Seriously, my lord- they're xenos!
    The Emperor: As long as they are under regulation and they do not interfere with mankind, it is alright.
    Kitten: They have wince-worthy weaponry with no skulls or holy symbols on them!
    The Emperor: As long as they serve the imperium and only fire upon those who wish to destroy us, it is alright.
    Kitten: But they have a socio-economic philosophy that promotes a completely classless living where every individual works for the betterment of it all, but in actuality it's an oppressive dictatorship based around the Ethereals' well-being!
    The Emperor: As long as everyone is treated well and fairly in the conjoined Imperium, where there will be no need for retarded and corrupt political systems, and the Ethereals will be under my direct control, it is alright.
    Kitten: But they have turned a whole lot of loyal guardsmen into sterile, base-dwelling Tau-lovers that only ever draw lewd pictures that they use as Tau propaganda!
    The Emperor: As long as I am not shown any of that eye watering xenololi futanari slaanesh-tier vore garbage, it's alright.
    Kitten: But... b-but... they can't even fight in melee!
    (Dramatic Sting)
    The Emperor: I'm sorry. But what did you just say?
    Kitten: The Tau are a cowardly race that only fire on their foes from afar, never engaging in any form of melee combat...
    The Emperor: Is this true, Magnus?
    Magnus: Well... yes.
    The Emperor: That. Is. ABSOLUTELY DISGRACEFUL.
• Kitten caps his hatred of the Tau off quite well at the end, while getting Magnus back for his earlier insult. Again, the Emperor encourages this.
  Kitten: My lord! I will PERSONALLY take my halberd and go on a crusade to the Tau worlds myself and I will shove it down the throats of every single one of their PATHETIC. FUCKING. HIDES!!! DROWNING THEM IN THEIR OWN BLOOD FOR YOUR GLORY, MY LORD!!!
  Magnus: Father...Are you really sure this reasoning is um...sound?
  Kitten: SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH YOU TUBE OF DISCOUNTED KETCHUP!!!
  The Emperor: That's one-to-one so far. Keep it up.
  Kitten: *Proudly* I learned from the best!
  The Emperor: Damn straight.
  • Hell, the fact that Kitten is literally bouncing with excitement and anger after his impassioned speech is hilarious. His accent also gets thicker as his agitation grows.
• A rather lengthy, and hillarious, callback to Tenga Toppa Gurren Lagann. Except, of course, much more course. Also, its hilarious to hear a floating cyborg with a drill for one arm say "injecting copious amounts of drugs".
• Dominique introducing all the Inquisition's Ordos (along with some completely made up ones like the Ordo Originalcharacterus) with the help of crappily made MS Paint Pictures.
  • It's even funnier if you know what the Ordos are supposed to do. The Ordos Scriptus, Scriptorum, and Redactus, for instance, aren't even combat Ordos. They're archivists who just wanted to go on a Crusade. And the Ordo Vigilus was formed solely to keep an eye on the Ordo Necros, implying that they're just there to make sure the Necros aren't up to any funny business. And the Ordo Desolatus consists of exactly one person.

Episode 16: Universal History with Professor Emperor

• The Emperor relays the story of the universe's creation to the Custodes and Magnus, with the order that once he's finished, they publish the story and give it to absolutely everyone of authority and make sure they read and understand it, even if he has to literally cram it down their throats.
  No spambox filter shall stop my glorious wisdom this time.
• To say nothing of the ending, which its various takes are the reason for Kitten Gasping.
• The episode starts with Magnus using his psychic powers to play a didgeridoo.
  • Magnus almost didn't visit the Emperor with Kitten, citing his desire to practice for a "Talent Show" being held by the other Custodes. Kitten sets him right.
    Kitten: Unless you want soggy hair and stained armour for a week I would highly recommend you drop that.
    Magnus: Why should I- (the ball drops) OH.
  • Kitten commenting that the Thousand Sons and the Necrons are starting to share a lot of design elements now, prompting Magnus to mention that he's already sent a cease and desist order. To predictable results.
    • Even funnier when you consider that these are the forces of Chaos sending a legal order to stop doing something.
  • Magnus' room in general. The background is a massive library, with the Sphinx and the Louvre Pyramid just in there for seemingly no reason. And the massive pile of books between the Sphinx's paws
  • Additionally, upon being asked by Kitten if Magnus was intending to call in daemons for a party, we get to see the daemons being caught trying to sneak in the room before leaving, all while donning stereotypically Aussie accessories.
• The minute the Emperor says that "the nothing exploded" (describing the Big Bang), Magnus jerks back and begins looking between the Emperor and the visual example of "nothingness," as though he expects there to be an actual explosion.
• During his explanation of the creation of the universe Kitten stops him and asks what caused the Big Bang to happen. The Emperor's answer, like many other things on Terra, is absolutely golden.
  The Emperor: I don't fucking know. Dark Matter? Planewalkers? Precursors? A bunch of geeks with nothing better to do making a badass fictional universe for the purpose of inevitably selling inordinately expensive plastic miniatures? It could have been anything.
• One of the reoccurring visuals near the start is that whenever two Eldar are on-screen, they will eventually spawn several hundred more inexplicably while "Oh Yeah" by Yello plays in the background...
  • Many times when the Emperor brings up the Old Ones they are always making a noise reminiscent of that sound King Zora makes while moving his fat ass aside.
• The revelation that the gas entity (a C'tan) eating the Necrontyr homeworld's sun was alive is punctuated by the cloud manifesting a googly-eyed Uw U face with an adorable 'squee'. It gets even funnier when you realize that the UwU C'tan is the Nightbringer.
• The Emperor referring to the Old Ones' plan to stop the C'tan and the Necrons from bringing about intergalactic doom as a decision "to fuck up in an equally as awful manner as the Necrontyr" when they created the C'tan. Their solution: Orks.
  The Emperor: There's a plot twist you didn't see coming. The Orks were actually important all aloooooooooooooooong.
  • The last word, being spoken on a text-to-speech device, comes out something like "aloo-loo-loo-loolooloo-ong".
  • On top of that, as this plan is being described in detail, you can hear a slowly building cry of Waaagh!!!
• The Emperor's constant comparisons of the ancient races to more modern things. Some of the highlights include:
  • The Old Ones as the neglectful grandparents of the universe who punch the shit of their enemies with their minds just like old people do. And their constant destruction is constantly mocked throughout the lesson.
    "It's like some complete asswipes suddenly invaded an old folk's home, demolished all of their belongings, and subjected all old people to summary executions. And then another completely unrelated group came along and did the exact same thing all over again."
• The Necrontyrs are portrayed as an entire race of entitled middle-age people who lived in tomb worlds "because their life sucked so much they would rather wait out their deaths than do much else."
• The Eldar as a bunch of floozies who only knew how to reproduce like rabbits and how it ultimately ended up destroying their own reproductive cycle.
  • Later, at the giant censored Eldar orgy, a Krork tries to leap in and is tossed back by an irritated Eldar.
• When the Necrontyr are introduced, Kitten gets an inkling of who they'll turn out to be:
  Kitten: Wait... this all sounds very familiar.
  Emperor: Strap yourselves to something because here comes the most obvious plot twist of the fucking century
  [...]
  Kitten: Wait! I think I can guess who these guys are now.
  The Emperor: Congratulations.
  Kitten: These... gas entities. They became the C'tan. And the Necrontyr, became the Necrons?
  Emperor: Give this man a PhD because that's some serious brain-power for a giant armored potato chip.
• When the Necrontyr develop into a race of Omnicidal Maniacs, this is portrayed by showing a Necrontyr dressed up in goth clothing and makeup while a badly sung verision of "Crawling In My Skin" plays in the background.
• The Emperor referring to the C'tan as "mounds of fluid dickery" who ate most of the Necrontyrs' souls after transforming the entire species into murderous machines who mindlessly served them "because they were ungrateful assholes like that."
• The Emperor's description of how the Eldar entered the war against the Necrons.
  Emperor: By combining Webway technology and the power of the Realm of Souls they created a new type of material to combat the living metal of the Necrons called Wraithbone. The Wraith constructs were sent in to battle alongside the Krorks, to fight back the Necrons. Turns out that while the C'tan were immune to psychic powers, it seems as they couldn't handle being Wraithboned. *rimshot*
• The Emperor mimicking Cegorach over his and the Deceiver's successful plan to screw over the Old Ones.

  Emperor: (mimicking Cegorach) Killing all of your allies in the middle of a giant war was apparently a bad idea. Who would have fucking thought?'''

• The ancient, high technology of the Old Ones? All of it represented by rocking chairs. And when they have to stop Orks invasion, they just put more chairs in their way.
• The Eldar's salvaging of the Old One's tech to build a webway is represented by a Stargate with a sign in front of it reading "Original Design. DO NOT STEAL."
• The Emperor takes a moment to make Magnus and Kitten look stupid with one of the oldest tricks in the book.
  Emperor: It's at this point the idiotsayswhat species emerged.
  Magnus and Kitten: The what?
  Emperor: I am absolutely hilarious, even after all these millenia.
  Magnus: Oh! De-*groan*
  Kitten: I still don't get it.

Episode 17: Emperor's Excellent Autobiography

• The Emperor was not only Conan the Barbarian, but also Kenshiro.
• When the Emperor says that the shamans' souls filled him with a strong sense of right, Magnus begins to snicker.
• The Eldar fucked up. Again. Literally. This time causing the creation of Slaanesh.
• The Emperor pausing the lesson to say that he is going to use the "Eldar fucked up joke" as often as he likes because he is the motherfucking Emperor.
• While guiding humanity from the shadows, apparently the Emperor took a bit of time off his schedule to scare small children.
• Magnus and the Emperor's bickering in general, including the whole "play your bones like a xylophone" spat and Magnus breaking into laughter when the Emperor says he was filled with a strong sense of right.
• Kitten, trying not to hear Too Much Information, with a bucket on his head.
  • While Kitten is hiding beneath a bucket:
  Magnus: *Curled up on the floor* LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR THIS, I DON'T WANT TO BE ON THIS PLANET ANYMORE!
• Then there is the exchange right after where Kitten says has no urges other than serving the Emperor:
  The Emperor: That can easily be skewed in all the wrong ways. It's a good thing that shitty fanfic writers aren't anywhere near here.
  Magnus: Don't jinx it, father.
• The Emperor is pleasantly-surprised that he has bloodline descendants (which led to the above TMI moment), and requests that Kitten bring them to the palace for a family reunion. When Kitten informs him of what's generally done to Senseis, The Emperor craps out five Warp Storms in anger, to the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries".
• Lord Inquisitor Coteaz helps Fyodor break Decius's defensive line by deploying his own army; an infamous "All or Nothing" build consisting exclusively of him as HQ, and a squad of low cost Jokaero he christens "The Funky Monkey". ^note Jokaero are Glass Cannons with little to no armor to speak of, but a larger weapon variety possible due to all of it being finger-mounted. Combined with Coteaz's ability "Spy Network" effectively letting his troops shoot any enemy Reinforcements for free on-entry and forcing the opponent to spend an extra Command Point per Strategem or just plain undo the Strategem entirely, you have the image of this grand, serious looking general in a trenchcoat commanding an army of cyborg orangutans with literal finger guns and winning because the enemy can't process what's happening fast enough to keep up with the assault of lasgun and plasma fire.

Episode 18: Banished Expectations

• The God-Emperor stays Fyodor's hand the only way he really can without causing himself pain; by insulting him through Back Handed Compliments. Fyodor is so self-absorbed he sees none of it and just takes it at face value, not even noticing that the Emperor can't even be assed to spell his name for the text to speech program.
• After being sent into the Warp by Magnus, Fyodor tries to remain calm and find a way out even as his men start dying and going insane, until he runs into Kaldor Draigo...Who has gone completely off his gourd as a result of prolonged exposure in the Warp.
  Fyodor: This is but a minor setback. I shall come and reunite with the Emperor, my Father and myself...No Daemonic realm shall stop me from fulfilling my fate!
  Draigo: *Offscreen* GREETERLINGS!
  Fyodor: What?! DAEMO- *Draigo appears* ...No
  Draigo: THAT IS A GOOD LOOKING BEARD YOU HAVE THERE SIR! I TOO HAVE A BEARD! HAVE YOU SEEN MY BEARD? IT IS FULL OF...TINY MEN! PLEASE! KILL THEM ALL!
  Fyodor: *Camera reveals Draigo sitting on a mobile throne similar to his own* [Inquisitorial Angry]
  • Which is in and of itself a Brick Joke from episode 12.5, where Grey Knight 31 asks "Are you going to send Draigo to rehab? Dude needs help."
• The Emperor's speech to Fyodor is perhaps the single biggest load of sarcasm ever dumped on someone. And even better, he knows that Fyodor is so damned Sarcasm-Blind that he'll fall for it no matter how caustic he gets. The Emperor makes clear that he enjoyed every fucking second of it.
  Magnus: Father, what was that all about?
  The Emperor: I haven't experienced such sublime schadenfreude since I burned the last church of Terra. Seriously though, good job with the massive warp rift thing, just as I expected.
  • Even after this Magnus, still in the dark about what had been happening before then, is still confused as hell.
    Magnus: I still do not understand a thing...Why were they even here?
    The Emperor: Well, awhile ago I decreed the disbanding of the Inquisition and the Ecclesiarchy because they were fucking stupid and completely went against what the secular Imperium I invented 10,000 years ago stood for.
    Magnus: What, REALLY!? That is...Umm...Well...I cannot say it sounds like the best idea you ever had.
• Decius' much-joked about hat representing accurately the Ecclesiarch's emotions.
• Lucius' phone conversation with Fulgrim and Abaddon. Half the time, it's absolutely unsettling, another half, disarmingly hilarious.
• Dominique's head rolling like crazy from the sheer shock of being by the Golden Throne.
• Dominique getting his Deadpan Snarker on again.
  Dominique: Hey, Fyodor, we're in the Warp. Make sure to clench your butthole so that no heresy gets in!
• Magnus' exasperated annoyance at Karamazov's Ax-Crazy behavior.
  Magnus: *Sighs* See what I was talking about when I said the Imperium has sunken together like a failed souffle?
• Magnus' and Kitten's reaction to Emperor's "reveal":
  Magnus: What...
  Kitten: ...the fuck.

Episode 18.5: Atrocious Answers

• One part of the Emperor's soul, specifically his foresight, is apparently kept by Tzeentch who laughs maniacally while the foresight is screaming about the importance of the Ultramarines and the danger posed by the Tau.
• The appearance of Malal, along with the Squats and other retconned characters, at the other end of the Tyrant Star.
  • While the letter prompting this is mostly depressing or nightmarish, we get this bit of Mood Whiplash (that was added in because the original letter was that depressing).
    My hyper-realistic furby plushie cried 666 liters of blood for 13.72 seconds.
• "Do you ever skip leg day?" "Fuck you."
• Magnus spends most of the video completely pissed off from the sheer idiocy of the questions (and the Emperor's antics as well).
• The Emperor's grand vision for the future of humanity: "Imagine thousands upon thousands of angelic beings - reminiscent of me in my prime - all united in a peaceful galaxy, in an interstellar Imperium, where all individuals have obtained their own objective perfection, without war nor political turbulence. They all lay naked on a beautiful beach planet, reveling in the ecstasies of human life. And really fucking good hair. That is what I want for mankind. To turn us into an entire species of divine masterminds with giant, gold-coated abs. Just like meeeeeee."
  • And Decius'... reaction. His hat takes out the ceiling.
• The Emperor also gets a lot of use out of those psychic punches during the episode, not only flooring the Custodian for a mocking remark, but taking out Eliphas the Inheritor, laughing hysterically in his ship hundreds of light years away, in revenge for his trollish letter.
• They get a letter questioning the Emperor's attitude towards his children. The Emperor, naturally, accuses Magnus of having written it personally before finally answering.
  Emperor: It was mostly because the planets you were raised upon were so gormlessly different that you had been forcefed radically disparate ideals since your birth.
  Magnus: So you're blaming our dead adoptive parents now?!
  • Naturally, the Emperor accused Magnus of writing the letter himself before finally responding. Magnus denies doing so but grows increasingly frustrated.
  Magnus: ANSWER IT, DAMN YOU!
• The Emperor's reaction to the question "May I lick one's holy toes?"
  Emperor: Immediate restraining order. Next.
• The Fast Food Chain Letter. Magnus even finds it funny as well! The Centurion has to fling himself on The Emperor's lap to calm him down.
• The question from the "Disturbingly Curious Ordo Xenos Inquisitor", Magnus' delivery of it, and the answer itself:
  Magnus: Have you ever communicated with the Tyranid Hive Mind? If so, what's it liiiiiiike?
  Emperor: It is like talking to a herd of hungry sheep. It is unfulfilling and makes you look like an idiot.
• The fade to black with Magnus and the Man-Emperor shouting "Rabble Rabble Rabble" at each other. Bonus points for Magnus' VA losing track of the word towards the end, before having a coughing fit.
  "Rabble rabble rabble, rabble, rabble rabble... ribble... rubble... rabble, rabble *Cough* *Cough* Oh GOD "

Episode 19: Warp Grumbling

• What does the Emperor decide to do with his massive powers? Why, flip the bird to every single navigator checking the Astronomican, of course! Even Magnus gets a kick out of that.
  Navigator: Um... sir? I've located the Astronomican but...
  Captain: What is it? Is its signature faint?
  Navigator: No, it's... it's flipping me the bird.
  Captain: ...Navigator. How the feth can a giant holy space beacon "flip you the bird"?
  Psyker: IT'S A SIGN FROM OUR LORD ON TERRA! EVERYONE MUST GO FUCK THEMSEEEEELVES!
  Tech Priest: [deadpan] If the Omnissiah decrees. I'll go retrieve the power dildos...
  Captain: These truly are...dark times.
  • For that matter, Magnus' cheerful high-five to the Emperor for the deed.
• Previously, we get the bucket incident:
  Emperor: What did I say about fireballs in the throne room?
  Magnus: Yes, yes, I need to ask you first... sorry, dad.
  Emperor: That is better. *flings the bucket away*
  Random dude who gets hit by the bucket: Holy Asshole!
• The chain heresy accusations. Witness the beautiful distillation of 40K parody humor here. A guardsman checks some Slaneeshi porn, only to get immediately shot down for heresy by a Commissar... Who's then shot for heresy by a Space Marine Librarian who saw him with said porn in hand... Who's then shot for heresy when the porn accidentally landed on his face by a Sister of Battle... Who meekly decides to read the porn manuscript, only to get shot by a Grey Knight who barged in during the deed... And the chain finally ends with an Inquisitor (later named Inquisitor Headsmash in Episode 26 Part 2) calling Exterminatus on the whole planet when he sees the whole ordeal from orbit.
  • Headsmash, well, repeatedly mashing his head against the Exterminatus button is a fun callback to the Emperor's metaphor about the psykers appearing that started the chain reaction leading to the Age of Strife.
  • Oh, and that Grey Knight? He said something about needing the Sister of Battle's blood before realizing she was a heretic. He was going to kill her anyway!
  • The unexpected, sudden, muted last words heard from the planet mid-exterminatus.
  FUCKING HERETICCCCSSSSSSS!
• Cooking With The Imperium scene at the beginning, featuring an Imperial Fists Marine with a flamer and a Drill Abbot with a thunder hammer and an adorable pink apron, and Kitten's absolutely chill reaction to everything that's happening around him.
  • The very opening scene of the video:
    Drill Abbot: MAKE THEM SUPPER!!!
    Marine: ALIEN BEANS!!! *Slams a can of Alien Baked Beans (in spess) complete with all the powerlimbs of an Orkish killa kan onto the table*
    Drill Abbot: Stand back, I'll show you how it's done! *Proceeds to bash the Killa Kan of Alien Baked Beans mercilessly with his hammer, causing it to dent and leak green fluid, while the Marine screams and blasts it with his flamer.*
    Kitten: *Calmly hums while making tea*
  • As Kitten tries to hum Morning Mood he can't hit the higher notes and eventually ThunderPsyker falls out of character.
    Kitten: *Strained attempts at high notes* I can't do the pitch...! My vocal range is not broad enough to cover the whole thing—
    • Though he does have a more in-character reason to flounder the performance: he was trying desperately to ignore the Fab Custodes as they flipped down from the rafters to tantalize him while they watch him pass.
  • The Emperor using his magnificent psyker powers to drink tea, even if it's physically impossible.
    Magnus: Wait, how would you even drink [the tea]?
    Emperor: *throws a bucket at Magnus who treats it like a Dope Slap* Emperor, that is how.
    Magnus: Using cosmic powers to drink tea? That's certainly the father I remember.
  • Magnus wondering if the fact he has soul back yet still being a Daemon Prince technically makes him a "half-daemon"
    The Emperor: I would laugh at how silly and full of angst that idea sounds if it were not for it being true. Actually, fuck it, I will laugh anyway. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha...
  • It turns out the "Heresy Detector" from episode 16 wasn't just a throwaway snide remark; it actually exists. When Magnus says his father is a decaying force of nature who literally defecates Warp storms whenever he tantrums, it displays:
    TOO MUCH HERESY
    NO HOPE CONSIDER SUICIDE
  • There is also the matter of the Emperor's (justified) hate towards The Warp as Magnus tries to explain why it cannot just be 'defeated'
    Emperor: That doesn't change the fact that [The Warp] is dangerous, stupid, dangerously stupid, and stupidly dangerous

Episode 20: You're Green With It!

• The season finale opens with none other but Cato Sicarius dropping from orbit onto Nocturne essentially riding the undiscovered artefacts of Vulkan into Forgefather He'stan's chambers, where he is sleeping on a flaming anvil. Cato declares it another glorious victory and leaves, while literally seconds later a drop pod shows up with Vulkan in it, who has no idea it was the Ultramarines and not the Salamanders who found his remaining artefacts.
  • Vulkan's speech is comedy gold in itself:
    Vulkan: Congratulations, my friends! Through the power of friendship, you have found all the artefacts! And now I have returned to bring peace and friendship to the entire Imperium, no matter what the voices in my head say!
    Ghost Ferrus Manus: You are weeeak, Vulkan!
    Vulkan: Shut your not-face, brainghost Ferrus! You are not friend...
  • The Emperor and Kitten spend the first half of the episode having a massive misunderstanding about racism and the Salamanders, ending with Kitten getting psychically stripped naked.
    • Brought home when Kitten shows the Emperor images showing that when he said that the Salamanders are black that he meant literally pitch black.
      The Emperor: *beat* By Terra's tits, that is new. I do not remember this being a thing. Is my mind playing tricks on me? Knowing the state of my memory, perhaps I did forget...Now I just feel like some kind of huge dick.
      Kitten: I feel that your heart was in the right place, but you can't be blamed for your degraded memory of things.
      The Emperor: Yes, that is correct. As you know, I am always in the right.
  • The Emperor claims that both racism and Law of Chromatic Superiority applying to chapter colors are wrong for the same reason: There is no color better than gold, and all other colors are equally worthless before it.
  • The increasingly disturbed responses the Emperor has to Kitten's gratuitous descriptions of the Salamanders' fetishistic fire rituals.
  • The portrayal of the inner circle of the Dark Angels, who are every inch as gloriously paranoid as you'd expect. When an outer circle Dark Angel overhears their gratuitous leap in logic that the Mechanicus must be working with the Fallen...
    Dark Angel: My lord...what are the Fallen?
    Azrael: ...make him repent, Asmodai.
    Asmodai: (Leaping across the room wielding a power maul, screaming) REPENT, MOTHERFUCKER!!!
    • Made even more hilarious when Episode 23 reveals that those two Dark Angels had actually been recently initiated into the inner circle, it's just that the rest of the circle hadn't gotten around to revealing their history to them.
  • Azrael's unhinged reaction to a Watcher in the Dark speaking to him.
    Watcher: Empers tempers, Azrael! Did ya hear that! We're totally gonna find Cypher now!
    Azrael: Raaggh! (begins kicking the Watcher) OF. ALL. THE. FUCKING. WATCHERS. IN. THE. ROCK. WHY. DO I. GET. ONE. THAT. TALKS!
    Watcher: (on the floor) O-ow...uhhgh.....(whimpering)
    • For added "Sidekick Creature Nuisance from a cheesy old action cartoon"-ness, there's a whimsical tune playing as it speaks and according to the credits it's called Snurko.
    • Especially amusing is that according to the lore, anyone who interfere with or investigate the Watchers too much will inexplicably disappear. This makes Azrael beating the crap out of his particular watcher all the more hilarious.
  • The Emperor's response to the big reveal at the end of the episode amounts to mashing the A key in his TTS device, in an electronic version of Sarcasm Failure.
  • Kitten having sudden trouble with the word "regrowing".

Season 3

Episode 21: Still Alive

• The season premiere opens with Marneus and Uriel picking up their conversation about the theme of the Ultramarines where they left it several months before (literally). When Sicarius inevitably appears to brag about himself and the success of planting the artifacts of Vulkan with the Salamanders Marneus finally gets fed up with his bullshit and delivers the Imperial Fisting he threatened him with in season two clean in the face.
  • After Sicarius receives the Imperial Fisting, Uriel begins talking about the notorious Damnos campaign and in particular Sicarius's part in it:
    Uriel: How he's survived this far is a fucking mystery. Especially in that fight against the C'tan.
    Calgar: Well, uh, he was probably just lucky. The C'tan must've tripped on some rock or something. Actually, that goes for everyone he's fought.
    Uriel: Don't the C'tan just kinda like [Ultra Spooky Sound FX] float around, though?
    Calgar: The planet had floating rocks!
  • Once Uriel's done with Sicarius, he moves onto Calgar himself:
    Uriel: Though I must say, the strangest part of the whole Damnos report involved you yourself, my lord.
    Calgar: R-Really? (Ultrawkward cough) W-What would that be? I don't remember doing anything exceptional!
    Uriel: Uh, well, basically the part where you ripped a Necron Pylon off the ground and used it as a weapon. ^note Yes, this actually happened in canon.
    Cue a flashback of a hysterically laughing Calgar on Damnos holding said Pylon over his head and using it to smash Necron Warriors while the Ultramarines chant plays as BGM.
  • Then, at the end...
    Ultramarine: (Ultramarine March playing) MY GLORIOUS CHAPTER MASTER!!! We have succeeded in acquiring and planting the Salamander's artifacts!
    Beat
    Calgar: WHAT THE FU-Smash Cut to opening credits
  • Calgar's moment above is made even funnier by the fact that the Necron's warcry during this scene is the infamous "SOI SOI" sound made by Microsoft Sam. And the caption for the fight is "[bit of the old ULTRA-VIOLENCE]"
    Necron Lord: SOI SOI MOTHERFUCKER
  • On the note of the reveal that Rogal is still alive, it's treated with all the gravitas and dramatic music that you'd expect. As Kitten says he thought he was dead, the music seems to swell...
  Kitten: "Didn't you die while trying to stop a black crusade?"
  Dorn: (The music abruptly cuts out.) "No."
  Kitten: "Well... wuh. Well, what happened, then?"
  Dorn: "I survived."
  Kitten: "H- dyee...[sigh] How?"
  Dorn: "By being dead. In pretend."
  Kitten: "What. So you pretended to be dead and then came here to Terra?"
  Dorn: "Yes."
  Kitten: "Why?"
  Dorn: "A revelation lead me to it."
  • Rogal's..uh..."revelations", as to why he faked his death and why the Imperial Fists only found his severed hand during the first Black Crusade.
    ABOUT 9291 YEARS PRIOR
    Rogal: The Black Crusade must be stopped. Magic Pain Glove. Tell me what to do. (Puts on the Glove) YUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARG!! The glove has spoken.
    (Later)
    Rogal: Magic Pain Glove. I am lost on this heretical ship. Tell me what I should do. (Puts on the Glove)
    (The Glove and Rogal's left hand immediately fall off, leaving a necrotic stump)
    Rogal: (quiet indignation) Your services are no longer required.
  • The implication that the hand fell off because he uses it so damn much.
• The Emperor and Rogal's incredible literal-mindedness.
  The Emperor: Stop being as sensible as a piece of wood, you fistless sack of sassy-sauce.
  Rogal: (quiet indignation) There is no such sauce product.
• When Rogal reveals he has to stop Kitten from mentioning the Space Wolves around Magnus.
  Kitten: Well, I think we should talk about the Space Wolves. If Magnus gets mad, then so be it. But, really, I don't think his rage is as genuine as he makes it out to be. Come on, who could hate the Space Wolves? They're great! He's probably just jealous 'cause the Space Wolves are a lot better than the Thousand Sons.
  Rogal: He is standing right behind you.
  Magnus: SPACE WOLVES?!
  Kitten: Shit, shit, SHIT!
• WOLVES ARE STRONK! You should spend more time being RAISED BY WOLVES! - three guesses who makes an appearance to make Karamazov's day even worse. Karamazov for his part still buys into the belief that he's a shard of the Man Emperor, so seeing wolf-boy makes him realize how bad a "father" he is.
• In the stinger, we hear what sounds like a stereotypical goth teen writing in his diary—oh who am I kidding, it's clearly Corvus Corax!
  • Upon watching the episode where Corvus makes his proper debut, the moment become funnier. If you look hard enough at the blurred surroundings you'll eventually realize that you're looking at the inside of a car.

Episode 22: Change

• The Techpriest from Episode 1 returns. The poor guy still hasn't gotten the toasters he was promised and he isn't happy about it.
  • The episode opens with Azrael and Asmodai heading down to the planet to find Cypher. Their exchange may sound familiar.
    Asmodai: ARE WE THERE YET?
    Azrael: Technically, no.
    Asmodai: ARE WE THERE YET?
    Azrael: Almost.
    Asmodai: ARE WE THERE YET?
    Azrael: We're...right above the planet.
    Asmodai: ARE WE THERE YET?
    Azrael: Stop that.
    Asmodai: ARE WE THERE YET?
    Azrael: No.
    Asmodai: ARE WE THERE YET?
    Azrael: Asmodai!
    Asmodai: ARE WE THERE YET?
    Azrael: Stop!
    Asmodai: ARE WE THERE YET?
    Azrael: NO!
    Asmodai: ARE WE THERE YET?
    Azrael: NO!!
    Asmodai: ARE WE THERE YET??
    Azrael: FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOUR REFERENCES!
  • Seems like Kitten wasn't kidding when he said he was the last sane Custodes left. During his moping he runs into one with Diavolo's body who asks literally everyone he sees if they know who he is, laughing and saying "Good." if they don't. When Magnus and Kitten leaves he starts shouting about how soon he'll be the new Emperor while laughing maniacally.
    • Even better, that particular custode was voiced by none other than Antfish!
  • After Kitten agrees to give up his position as caretaker in exchange for the other Custodes helping him:
  Magnus: THE WOLVES SEND NUDE MEN AFTER ME?!
  • Dorn's most hilarious (and memetic) line in the episode:
  Kitten: Damn it, what should I (walks into the box Magnus was held in) do... What the?! Dooorrrnnn! What are you doing?!
  Rogal: I am fortifying this position.
  Kitten: Beat WHY?!?
  Rogal: The best offense is a good defense.
  Kitten: Oh, for Terra's sake... that's not even how it goes!
  • When Kitten summons Kaldor Draigo to help pacify the enraged Magnus, Kitten tries to warn Draigo about some nasty attacks to watch out for. Before Kitten can even finish his sentence, Draigo announces that Magnus is already defeated. Cut to Magnus laying knocked out on the floor and the tense music just cutting out abruptly. And when making his exit, Draigo channels Poochie of all people.
    Kaldor: I'VE ALREADY DEFEATED HIM.
    Kitten: Wuh? *Cut to Magnus laying on the floor* Wuuuh? Whh-when did you—?"
    Kaldor: A wizard NEVER reveals his secrets!
    Kitten: *Whines* I'm so confused...
    Kaldor: I must go. My planet needs meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee—*Drifts straight up until disappearing*
    *Beat*
    Rogal: I suspect he was high on narcotics.
    • The words in the chant that Kitten uses to summon Draigo are "Grey Knights, Grey Knights they are the best chapter. Six six six. They are much more special than any other chapter, Grey Knights, Grey Knights." with each word in reverse.
  • Typhus reading bad erotic fanfiction (a Troll Fic, specifically Squad Broken) for Lucius. To make it more hilarious, Typhus sounds like Gilbert Gottfried.
  • Every single line Dorn says. He's Literal-Minded in the extreme, obsessed over one matter and absolutely deadpan. The delivery his voice actor manages is amazing.
  • During the Warpchat session, Tzeentch pranks Nurgle by sending several Pink Horrors under the guise of a pizza delivery to vandalize his garden, driving him into tears and according to Isha, unleashing a plague of crotch-rot on a Hive World. The Hive World in question? Purgatory, from the Alfa Legion's games of Upper Hive. As if those people didn't suffer enough.
    • Also from the chat, the Tyranid Hive Mind (ICANHASGALAXY) joins the chat only to be auto-kicked for having too many connections open. Slaanesh is first kicked and then banned from the chat by Khorne and Khaine wants to pick up Khorne for Leg Day.

Episode 23: A Hairy Conundrum

• The resolution of the Cliffhanger the last episode left us on. Doubles as an Awesome moment with a round of Leaning on the Fourth Wall as there's cheers and applause from a disembodied audience.
  Kitten: I am not joining Chaos, you ass.
• When Magnus asks Kitten his real name, the scene cuts to a Monty Python-style "Intermission" card. This flagrant cop-out is lampshaded by itself ("ORIGINAL THE JOKE!") and it cuts to Kitten rattling off an incredibly long and nonsensical list of middle names he's earned from his military victories. Before Kitten can even get close to confirming whether or not his last name is Valdor, Magnus cuts him off begging for mercy.
• Magnus' summary of his plan with Kitten: 'Make the Imperium Great Again!''
• Forget promethium. The worst burns in the galaxy are caused by Rogal Dorn:
  Rogal: Father, are you familiar with the expression "you are what you eat?"
  The Emperor: ...The fuck?
  Rogal: Seeing as you are behaving like an ever-growing pile of screaming psychic children...
  (beat)
  The Emperor: Wow, Rogal. Way to bring down the fucking hammer.
  Rogal: I do not own a hammer. Oh, wait, no... (picks one up) There it is.
  The Emperor: Magnus. Yellow Jacket. Anyone except Rogal. Please come and save me from this nightmare of a conversation.
  Karstodes: (Jumps on-screen) Greetings, my glorious overlord!
  The Emperor: NO NO NO NO NO NO anyone except the strippers!
  Rogal: I am not a stripper, so I can save you, father.
  The Emperor: Whatever did I do to deserve this fate? Sob.
• Magnus and Kitten, as the first part of the plan, then go onto assassinate the High Lords (except Decius). Decius witnesses this and decries them as daemonic traitors, only to be interrupted by... the muffled complaining of the High Lords locked in a closet, the ones Kitten killed having actually been shapeshifting xenos infiltrators^note Specifically, Lacrymoles. Not only does this incident allow Kitten to easily convince the High Lords to stop being useless assholes as an alternative to killing them, but Decius apologizes to Magnus and promises to be more tolerant in the future.
  • The Fabricator-General, for his part, decides the best way to make amends is to go to Mars and serve oil margaritas. The closing portion affirms that he did just that.
  • The sheer perplexion the High Lords show when thinking of actually doing good things. Magnus is entirely convinced their heads are going to explode from actually thinking for once.
    I liked it better in the closet...
  • The Xeno infiltrators above? There was only 3. The Fabricator General remained unchanged.
• When Karstodes asks what the Emperor typically did with Kitten, claiming he could do it better:
  The Emperor: (only wearing a blanket over his legs) We usually play a game of "Get the fuck out unless you have clothes on."
  Rogal: You must be terrible at that game, father.
  The Emperor: Shut the fuck up, Rogal.
• After Karstodes fails to tell the Emperor anything useful about the Space Wolves:
  The Emperor: That is the last strike and you are fucking out. For the sake of all fucks in the space-time continuum, can you tell me anything useful??
  Karstodes: (Beat) The Space Wolves are Space Marines!
  Rogal: He is incredibly unknowledgable, father.
  The Emperor: Thanks, Rogal. I noticed that.
• Karstodes trying to justify his lack of knowledge:
  Karstodes: I... I'm sorry, there's just something gone awry with my brain right now-
  The Emperor: "Right now" is not how you say the word "constantly."
• Karstodes attempt to get information about the Space Wolves from Kitten isn't funny because of how uncomfortably it resembles a rape scene. Karstodes failing to notice Magnus standing right behind him before hammering Magnus' Berserk Button is.
  Karstodes: Tell me everything you know of the Sp-sp-SPACE WOLVES within 10 minutes or I will slowly peel your armor off...
  Kitten: PLEASE NO NOT AGAIN!
  Magnus: SPACE WOLVES?! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
  (cut to a very heavily distorted intermission screen)
  • Though it's not shown, it's all but certain that yes, Kitten had to go summon Kaldor Draigo again to deal with Magnus once more.
• It takes Karstodes several times to finally figure out how to say Leman Russ. His momentary "yusss!" when he succeeds almost launches him into Adorkable territory.
• Karstodes telling The Emperor of the possible theories as to why Leman Russ went into the Eye of Terror. The first theory being that he went into the Eye to kill Magnus The Red.
  Karstodes: From a quite reliable source I can say that - and I quote - "THE FURRY FUCK DID NOT SUCCEED!"
• Karstodes mentioning the theory that Leman Russ is searching for a fruit from the Tree of Life able to cure the Emperor's injuries leads to a little tangent.
  The Emperor: Does he really think eating some fucking banana will make me all better again?
  Rogal: I personally think it is a lemon. (grasps a glowing citrus) A lemon is a mighty fruit. My favourite...
  Karstodes: I like to think it's a kumquat...
  The Emperor: Stop radiating uncomfortableness you Eldritch Abomination and continue speaking.
• Once again, the sound version of a Funny Background Event pops up as Karstodes speaks about the Wulfen...
  DIGGANOBZ!
• Karstodes, the Emperor, and Rogal hit on one of the major problems with the Vlka Fenryka.
  Karstodes: It should be noted that Wolf King Russ all but entirely refused the Codex Astartes, and thus the Space Wolves are not your normal chapter, but bloated to the brim with hefty, hairy wolf enthusiasts. The current Wolf Lord of the Space Wolves is Logan Grimnar, also known as the Old Wolf. He rules from the Hall of the Great Wolf, together with his Wolf Lords such as Harald Deathwolf, Egil Iron Wolf, and Bjorn Stormwolf. Under their command are troops such as the Wolf Guard, the Wolf Scouts, and the mystical Wolf Priests, ready to fly their Stormwolves and ride their Thunder Wolves straight into battle, with their bladed Wolf Claws and Wolf Standard raised high, and their Wolf Amulets active! All wolfkin battling unbridled with intense CQC fury and wolf-like musk in preparation for the coming Wolftime!
  (beat)
  The Emperor: All I got out of that was "wolf wolf wolf wolf wolf wolf wolf wolf wolf wolf wolf wolf wolf wolf wolf wolf wolf wolf and wolf."
  Rogal: The Space Wolves are incredibly uninspired.
  • One of the Space Wolves that appears while Karstodes talks about them has the head of the Nord from The Elder Scrolls Online trailers photoshopped on him.
• When the Emperor accuses the Space Wolves of unknowingly consorting with daemons, Karstodes claims to be utterly disgusted by the daemons of Slaanesh. The Emperor's response is that pointing out the hypocrisy would be too easy.
  The Emperor: You can stop holding up that "Make fun of me" sign now, and finish this.
• The Emperor's wish list when it comes to the Wolves.
  1.- Make a sequel for the Council of Nikea banning interaction with daemons roleplaying as friendly woodland creatures.
  2.- Stop stuffing acolytes with defective geneseed to stop instances of Wulfen.
  3.- Have their Chapter Master deliver presents to all children on Sanguinila.
  4.- Exchange all instances within the chapter of the word "wolf" with "corgi", and "Wolf Priest" with "Corgomancer".
• The Emperor praising Karstodes' knowledge of the Wolves, only to reveal he knows the Custodian's been torturing Kitten for information.
• Emperor's new mission for the Ultramarines: dance-off with the Harlequins!
  The Emperor: I am great at cliffhangers.
  Rogal: No...

Episode 24: Of Khans and Cages

• Leman says Fyodor and the Inquisition are the first sentient person he met that aren't made of tentacle or crab claws.
  Fyodor: But what about Khaldor Draigo?
  Leman: (laugh) Would ya really call him "sentient"?
  Draigo: (popping to Fyodor's right) NOOOOOO!
  Fyodor: I... agree with Draigo.
• Russ orders the Inquisition to not leave their corner of the Warp while sober, lest their head explode. Fyodor's reaction?
  Karamazov: Explode? Isn't that a Guardsman-only thing?
• Fyodor says to Leman Russ that he is his father, still believing the lie The Emperor told him. Russ' reaction? A brief moment of Tranquil Fury before delivering a punch to the face of Karamazov so fucking hard and loud that it was heard through The Warp and all the way into The Imperial Palace!
  Leman: I'm gonna punch yer face off for that.
  Karamazov: Don't do that.
  Leman: Already doing it.
  Karamazov: No.
  Leman: Yes.
  Karamazov: No dO NOT-
  (BAM)
  *Fyodor's scream can be heard on Terra*
  The Emperor: What was that noise?
  Rogal: It was the miserable scream of an old man being punched in the face, father.
• The usual toaster obsessed tech priest went on vacation, and the tech priest who replaced him is even more insane. His musing include wondering if legs are machines driven by tiny snotlings, what is a go, and how does go-go-ga-doo? Even better when you know he's voiced by Remleiz of 40K Theories taking the piss out of himself.
  Emperor: Who are you? And why aren't you Toaster Guy?
  Cyberdong the Tech Priest: He went on vacation, but do not fret. For I too have a massive fixation with slapping my cyberdong against the hull of toasters.
  Emperor: At least you are honest.
  Cyberdong: Could the Emperor be rebuilt entirely out of cyberdongs?
  Emperor: Shut it and go inspect Jaghati's old shed to see if there are any bikes left for Rogal. Preferably the mobility scooter pattern.
  Cyberdong: Do segways still exist in the 41st millenium?
  Emperor: Fuck off immediately.
  Cyberdong: Are legs actually vehicles, driven by tiny snotlings?
  Rogal Dorn: Yey. Bike.
• The Emperor asks why Rogal didn't disappear into the void in some attempt to aid him, insinuating that Rogal apparently doesn't love him enough to do so.
  Rogal: While my siblings are out being lost, I came here to keep our rambling, paraplegic father company. Because I love him more than any other.
  The Emperor: ...You are lucky I find salt and sweet to go nicely together, son. I knew there was a reason I named you "Praetorian of Terra" that one time.
• How the defining moment on board the Vengeful Spirit on the last minutes of the Siege of Terra is portrayed: Paper Horus (which is just him wearing a T-shirt with his legion's insignia at the time) repeatedly thrashing Paper Emperor along with a random Paper Guardsman gets in Horus's way and got effortlessly tossed by the latter, prompting the Emperor to psychically pump up Horus's head until he blows up into oblivion before unceremoniously collapsing. Oh, and a recently deceased Sanguinius was just lying around in the background.
• The Emperor questions the Second Founding.
  The Emperor: Oh yes. That superfluous Second Founding shittery. Why the balls did it go through if almost half of you voted "fuck that?"
  Rogal: I did not wish to copulate with his book, father. I have only seen Lorgar do such a thing.
  (Cue the sound of shattering glass)
  The Emperor: Please erase these mind images immediately.
• When Whammudes shows up, he's become so lubricated he slides instead of moving. Even his subtitles slide with him.
  Whammudes: The sensation of friction is all but lost on me!
• Whammudes slips and falls onto the floor:
  Whammudes:(Painfully) Hello floor.
  Rogal: (like a patient Kindergarten teacher) Floors cannot speak, un-neutered one.
• Rogal's sense of humor: Reality. His idea of a joke is the concept of clapping.
  Rogal: Because smacking the floppy end-parts of your arms together to make a noise is a strange way of expressing praise. That is why it is funny.
  • When the Emperor hears that Jaghatai Khan spent a battle ontop of a tank he expresses amazement that the primarch was capable of holding still for twenty seconds at a time. Custodisi then clarifies that the tank itself was moving at 200 miles an hour.
  • Jaghatai Khan liked going fast. Magnus enjoyed his bike so he could go fast. Now Rogal Dorn wants a bike so he can go fast. And after a little arguing, he gets it.
    Yey. Bike.
  • Rogal's storytelling skills continue to amaze.
    Rogal: Once upon a time, I was me, after Horus' rebellion. I was distraught because you had died. My normal calm had been compromised to the point that the only reasonable thing I could think to do was to bring my Imperial Fists with me to hunt down and kill all remaining traitors with immense abhorrence.
    The Emperor: That is the best Father's Day present I could think of.
  • Rogal Dorn reviews the Codex Astartes
    5/10 It was okay
  • And for that matter, revealing he only started appreciating the Codex "after seven days of intense torture".
    The Emperor: Sounds like a great book.
    • While explaining why even after he accepted the Codex his legion did not, An Imperial Fist smacks the Codex out of Rogal's hand. If the video is paused fast enough one can see Guilliman pop into frame for less than a second to catch it and put it back in Rogal's hand.
  • The Emperor revealing the true reason he had Rogal be the one to rebuild the Imperial Palace instead of Perturabo: Perturabo wouldn't have made it out of gold.
  • Perturabo's childish insults to make Dorn come and fight him are rather hilarious in and of themselves, particularly with his delivery.
    Perturabo: *yelling at Dorn, who's ignoring him* HEY! Rogal! Rooogaaal! Ooor, maybe more like...ROOOGASS! Haah! HEY! ROUGE GUUURL! HIHEHEHEHE! Seriously, look over here! *Rogal finally does so* Dare you attack...MY NEWEST DAEMONIC FORTRESS OF PERPETUAL PAAAAIN! Even I don't know how to get inside this one!! *Dorn is slowly backing away all throughout his speech*
  • Paper Guilliman, who is depicted with a constant Twinkle Smile (even copied on the cover of the Codex Astartes) and an Audible Gleam sound (taken straight from Ultramarines Chant!) whenever he does anything.
  • The discussion concerning Rogal's fists.
    The Emperor: Do you know what your Fists are up to now?
    Rogal: One of my fists is hanging from my arm.
    The Emperor: Fucking damn it.
    Rogal: While the other is enshrined deep in our Fortress-Monastery of the Phalanx. Each new Chapter Master crowned has the right to engrave their heraldry upon the hand, as tradition. ....I do not want that hand back anymore.
    The Emperor: First off, fucking damn it Rogal that is not what I meant, and second off, is it not super creepy that your rotting skeletal fist is enshrined as some object of worship millennia after you lost it?
    (Beat, as Rogal gives the Emperor a look)
    The Emperor: Fuck you.
    Rogal: *chuckling*
    • Rogal simply describes the reason the Black Templars don't have the word "Fists" in their name as because "they are absolute lunatics" which then cuts to a scene of their drop pods falling from the sky, and this Black Templar on the right◊ animated to repeatedly stab his target next a squad of Black Templars.
      ~PUUUURGING WIIITH MY KIIIIIN~
  • When Leman Russ declares that they are marching on the Gate of Khaine, Kaldor Draigo's response.
    Draigo: ROAD TRIP, YEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
    • Speaking of Kaldor Draigo, his idea of how to deal with some daemons of Nurgle is memorable:
    Draigo: I SAYETH WE THROW OUR VORTEX GRENADES AT THEM.
    Leman Russ: But vortex grenades open up rifts to the Warp, don't they? I mean... we're already in the Warp.
    Draigo: WE SHALL SEND THEM... TO THE SUPER WARP!!!
  • The Captain-General asks has a question for Magnus as they head for Nocturne...
    Kitten: Magnus, why are we going by ship to Nocturne when you can-just... teleport us there?
    Magnus: Silence, companion! I have not ridden in one of this vessels for millennia. Please allow me to soak in the nostalgia!
    Kitten: But it's gonna take us a lot more time.
    Magnus: Look! We are gonna sit on this ship, plunder the minibars, play the videogames and use good old Ouija boards to scare the absolute shit out of Daemons! This I have decreed!
    Kitten: I am surprisingly okay with this.
    Magnus: Excellent! LET THE AMUSEMENT COMMENCE! Do-hohohohoho!
  • And after that comes some unused lines from Rogal's story:
    Perturabo: Even I don't know how to get inside this one! Seriously, I think I left the key inside somewhere. So uh... yeah, that's actually the main reason I'm asking you to break in. So yeah, hop to it!
    Rogal Dorn: No...
    Karl: What the FUCK do you want!?
  • "Come and fist me, Rogal. Wait, that didn't come out right."
  • There's something hilarious about the way Leman slaps a dead daemon corpse onto a table and starts whacking it with his sword.

Episode 25: Fiery Family Reunion

• The episode opens on Cegorach laughing at the Custodes with a few attempts to stop before breaking down laughing all over again. He finally manages to remark that Solitaires are supposed to play the part of the Stripper God but that the Custodes take it to ridiculous levels. Cegorach thinks the Custodians look so ridiculous he can barely form a sentence when he first meets them.
• Cegorach is having his fun scaring Custodisi and Whammudes in front of the Black Library... when Ephrael Stern appears from the inside of the library and demands food. Cegorach gives up and allows the Custodes access to the Black Library.
  • For bonus points, the music playing during this scene, Prime Clown, is a discordant and horrifying accordion theme that overloads the senses and fills the listener with dread until you hit the last part, think "hey, that popping bit at the end sounded familiar", re-listen to it because it's just that amazing of a song, and then suddenly realize it's actually a remix of Seinfeld theme, of all things.
    • When they return to the Emperor's Throne Room, Custodisi is carrying the Space Marines' codex and the White Scars novels. The Emperor decides to punish them for bringing the information (much more than what he wanted) by forcing them to stay there and read with him. He makes Rogal join in.
      Rogal: Yey. Mundane exposition.
  • The entire scene involving Cegorach terrifying Custodisi and Whammudes involves Cegorach telling really bad jokes like a stand-up comedian while a canned laugh track plays and a demonic, synthesized voice says "[BAZINGA]" at every punchline. Which of course becomes a Brick Joke at the end of the episode, complete with freaked-out Whamuudes.
• 500 years prior to the series, a Techpriest found a pipe and gave it to the Emperor as an offering by chucking it at him with kneecap sundering force causing it to literally rain the tears The Emperor pretends he doesn't shed. After the flashback the same Techpriest returns and does the same thing only this time with Liquid Nitrogen.

  Emperor: ANESTHETICS REQUIRED ANESTHETICS REQUIRED ANESTHETICS REQUIRED ANESTHETICS REQUIRED

  • As one youtube commentator pointed out, this sequence implies that a random techpriest wanders into the throneroom and pelts the Emperor with "offerings" every so often without any real consequences.
• The Emperor gets fed up with Rogal's usual Literal-Minded antics and tells him to "go play blocks on the freeway." Rogal promptly picks up a random cement mixer he's got with him and starts to do exactly that before the Emperor hastily stops him.
  • Made better with Rogal's usual deadpan response.
    Rogal: I shall do this.
• Magnus and Kitten (still silvery) finally arrive to Nocturne, and now seek to get into the building where the Engine of Woes is in by sneaking in. When Kitten points out they could have got in by teleporting or going invisible, Magnus complains because for once he wants to do things the harder way. Kitten then points out how illogical the whole idea is, leading to this.
  Magnus: You're right, let us make use of a conventional stratagem using copious amount of invisibilty with minimal efforts on our part. Just like the Tau would.
  Kitten: ...fffffFUCK SNEAKING! (rushes to a Salamander)
  Magnus: Oh shit.
  Kitten: YOU LOT WANNA FOIT?!
  Salamander guard: What?
  Kitten: WE'LL BREAK INTO YA RELIQUARY, YA SCROWDER!
  Salamander guard: What?
  Kitten: GONNA TAKE ALL YOUR ARTEFACTS AND WEAR 'EM ABOUT!
  Salamander guard: What?
  Kitten: WE'RE GONNA TAKE YOUR ENGINE-THING!
  Salamander guard: What?
  Kitten: I'LL SLAP YER SHIT IN I SWEAR ON ME MUM!
  Salamander guard: What?
  Kitten: ME MUM WAS A TUBE!!
  Salamander guard: What?
  Kitten: A TUBE IN MOUNT FUCKIN' EVEREST!
  Salamander guard: What?
  Kitten: FUCK!
  Salamander guard: What?
  Kitten: MOM EVEREST!
  Magnus: [while mindwiping both guards] Forget this ever happened, please, and thank you.
  • Even funnier is the fact that the Salamander guard in question can only say "What?" in the brief pauses between Kitten's sentences, meaning either Kitten is talking too fast for him to understand, his hearing is so bad it's all going over his head, or he can't understand Kitten now that his anger has caused his accent to amplify ten fold.
  • Once they enter and find the Engine of Woes (a Smart car), Magnus suggest that, since Kitten is being annoyingly reasonable, they'll just teleport it back to the ship. His complain is hilarious, Kitten's deadpan answer is even more so.
  Magnus: You have no sense of adventure.
  Kitten: The last time you had an adventure, daemons happened.
  • It turns out that Vulkan is hiding in a dark corner. He also appears to have partially absorbed an Ork's personality due to the results of his battle with The Beast. And he wants to give Magnus a big hug. Which he does.
  Vulkan: I just want to give my big brother a "I'm not mad you ruined everything" hug!
  Magnus: THAT WAS LORGAR GODSDAMMIT!
  • So Magnus hits him with the Engine of Woes so hard it kills him. Which makes Corvus Corax pop out of the Engine of Woes, much to Magnus' and Kitten's stunned confusion. The two of them panic so much that they start reciting the Dawn of War tutorial.
    • Magnus sounds like he's on the end of his goddamned rope by the time he pops out.
      Kitten: Is that really Corvus Corax??
      Magnus: WHY IS CORVUS HERE?! WHAT IS HAPPENING!?
  • Vulkan's last words as he dies (again)?
    Vulkan: Hello... darkness... my old-ergh [dead]
  • As Magnus is screaming in pain from the tightness of Vulkan's hug, Kitten tries to tell Vulkan to let up because, while Magnus's body may be partially incorporeal his spine is still suffering the phantom pains from Leman Russ breaking it during the Horus Heresy.
    Magnus: I PUNCHED OUT ONE OF HIS HEARTS! WHY DOES NO ONE REMEMBER THAT?!
    • Additional comedy, because while Magnus stomping on Kitten's Berserk Button caused him to spaz out and nearly start a fight with the nearest person, Kitten accidentally hitting Magnus's doesn't actually make him Nerd Rage out into a giant daemon. Possibly because of how painful the hugging was.
  • Vulkan goes full meta, saying he's been in the darkest corner of the system, and he built a miniature workshop there.
    Vulkan: Have you ever heard of Battlemace Forty-Two Million?
    Magnus: THAT IS
    Kitten: JUST
    Magnus: FUCKING
    Kitten and Magnus: STUPID!
• Ferrus Manus has been reduced to a tiny ghost, with a picture of his face as the head. Only Vulkan and Corvus can see him.
  Brain-Ghost Ferrus: YOU ARE WEEEAK, CORVUS.
  Corax: I am aware, Ferrus. Thank you.
• Magnus' increasingly girly shrieks throughout the episode, as he gets hit with more and more shocking developments.
• The entire nature of the Engine of Woes. From its physical form being a Smart Car which earns a revolted comment from Kitten regarding its looks, to the implication that, in order to fill it with his earthly hatreds and sorrow, Vulkan just shoved Corvus in there and called it a day.
  • Funnier still? It could be seen earlier in episode 20, being pushed along by Cato Sicarius. It seemed like a Funny Background Event at the time...
• After it turns out Vulkan is alive, he hugs Corax, who says that they need to go to Terra to stop Magnus from killing the Emperor. Vulkan, meanwhile, just wants to finish hugging Magnus.
  Corax: Ew!
• Corvus Corax's reaction to being released from the Engine of Woes:
  Fresh air upon my skin is like the flensing daggers of a thousand-thousand menial urchins going at a sack of potatoes. My existence is fraught with falls and pointless angst in the midst of this disgusting reality. The light burns! For I have never been worthy to wa-[Bird Noises]^*Actually a cough that actively interrupts the rest of the subtitles ("walk in its grace") I'm sad. It's too bright. {Beat} I want to go back in the box. Wanting to go outside was a terrible idea. The box does not judge. It just haaaaaates.
• Marneus Calgar's response to an Eldar Wraith Titan ambushing his chapter, bellowing its intention to avenge its Craftworld's destruction by exterminating every human it comes across, starting with his Ultramarines? Tell it to fuck off and punch it in the foot so hard it fucking dies.
  Calgar: Fahck off! You SPARKLY PIXIE-MACHINE!
  • Even better, his technique of slowly walking up to it, mouthing off to it and then punching it unbelievably hard is the exact same stratagem he "taught" Sicarius several episodes back in the "I CAST FIST" incident.
  • Just after this, Cato Sicarius starts to critique Calgar's methods by saying "I personally would have used a rope to hang myself-". Then another Ultramarine interrupts him with new orders from the Emperor, prompting Sicarius to flip out at someone cutting him off.
  Cato: How DARE you interrupt the feedback session of I, CATO SICARIUS!
  • Earlier in the episode, one of the Ultramarines carries a report on the warband's progress through the Webway to Calgar from Astropath Illiyan Nastase, with Calgar giving the dual order to sock Illiyan in the face for him and to deny him any screentime. ^explanationIlliyan is a prime example of Early-Installment Weirdness in 40k as he's a Half-Eldar with an absurdly high rank for a half-human hybrid in the notoriously xenophobic Imperium. He's been, for the most part, abandoned by canon. And then the Dark Imperium book series actually brought back the name... for an Eldar Farseer that Guillman talks to.
• Though Corax is not pleased with Magnus accidentally killing Vulkan he's not terribly enthusiastic when the situation resolves itself knowing what follows.
  Corax: What have I not been able to gaze upon in the halls of the Imperial Palace that Magnus the Red, nine-times damned traitor, could so easily have slipped inside—
  Vulkan: Corvus!
  Corax: Oh no.
  Vulkan: *Grabs him into a bear hug* Oh, I've missed you friend!
  Corax: Oh look. Vulkan is alive again. Good.

Episode 26 Part 1: Hateful Feud at Khaine's Gate

• The first thing Kaldor Draigo says when he comes on screen.
  I LOVE JUMPING!
• Leman Russ doesn't really have a walking animation, he sort of hops forward with both legs like he's having a one-person, sack-less sack race.
• Russ is trying to explain the difference between Khorne and Khaine to Fyodor, who had been under the impression they were two different names for the same god. When he gets tongue tied and runs out of time (or patience), the video fills up with all the actual differences, each prefaced by "erm... actually...". Most of them are Not Helping Your Case, and some that are just there for humor.
  Erm... actuallly, Khaine sits on a SMOULDERING throne, not a skull throne, so there.
  Erm... actually, just because Khaine has blood constantly pouring from his hands doesn't mean he's similar to the Blood God, Khorne, you are just dumb if you think so quite frankly.
  Erm... actually, the Fenrisian pronounciation of 'Khorne' is 'Ghorghe'
  Erm... actually, just because Khaine suffers from an uncontrollable temperament and insatiable bloodthirst, both of which affects his followers in much the same ways—doesn't mean he has any form of connection to Khorne. Just saying.
  Erm... actually, Khaine doesn't like brass, his avatars are made of iron.
  Erm... actually, I don't like these disembodied text blobs. I can't read them when they move like this. I hate it. Fuck you.
  • It sounds just like Fan Wank from a stereotypical forum thread, with all the posturing, insults, obsession with minor details that implies. In other words, a light jab at the audience.
• While the episode has it's fair share of Awesome Moments due to its sticking to the rules of the actual tabletop game, this also means that there's a fair amount of absurdity because it's sticking to the rules of the actual tabletop game. The Battle Sisters' Canoness for example refuses to let her squad open fire on some daemons attacking a vehicle in close combat, even though their weapons have little to no chance of damaging it if they miss, while Kaldor Draigo - the strongest unit on the Inquisition's side bar Leman Russ - proves to be hilariously ineffectual because he keeps failing his rolls. Leman Russ himself just sits there and does nothing despite being a One-Man Army because he has no eighth edition rules yet.
  • Trying to teleport with Gate of Infinity.
  Draigo: SANCTIC POWER! GATE OF INFINITzzz [psychic test failed]
  Draigo: GATE OF INFIographic [psychic test failed]
  Draigo: (starting to get frustrated) gATE *a face with big anime eyes falls from the sky and onto Draigo's face*
  Draigo: (now with Comic Sans subtitles and in a more shonen anime protagonist voice) LET ME GATHER MY CHAKRA SO I CAN- *cuts to different scene*
  • Trying to charge.
  (After failing his charge roll twice in a row, flopping around like a soaped fish) "WARFARE IS-IS NOT AN EXACT SCIENCE."
  • When Draigo confronts the Masque, he suddenly starts vibrating violently in place, his model blurring as it shakes, until he stabs the Masque while screaming incoherently at the top of his lungs. It's so absurd but also completely in-character for Draigo.
    • Draigo once again does the impossible: he manages to be so unspeakably strange the Masque drops her usual attitude and reacts with utter bafflement.
  Draigo (whilst vibrating as stated above): I AM THE FIREMAN WHOMST SHALL PUT OUT YOUR FLAMES OF ASPIRATION!
  Masque: ...Sorry, what? (nervous giggle)...whaaaaat?
  • Kairos gets extremely unlucky with the damage from his spells, barely scratching his actual target but blasting Skarbarand for huge damage.
• During the roadblock, the Tempestuous Scions get into a conversation about the Taurox roadblock tactic and provide a glimpse into just how hopelessly outmatched they as normal human soldiers are.
  Stuart: Priestly— there's a Daemon bigger than a house over yon, an' you're thinkin' a bit of inclement traffic's gonna stop 'em?!
  Matilda: But it's really tanky though, innit?
  Skarbrand: SKARBRAND HATES TRAFFIC JAMS *cleaves through a Taurox in one go*
  Stuart: Not tanky enough, Matilda! NOT TANKY ENOUGH!
  Matilda: That bloke's got some proper road rage, ya know what I mean?
  Stuart: HE'S NOT A BLOKE! HE'S A GIANT DAEMON!
  Grant: Oi bros, I know we've been taught since childhood to always follow orders, not know fear n' all that, right? But I'll be straight with ya. I'm about to shit meself.
  Tempestor Cromwell: You can shit when you're dead, Scion Grant!
  • The fact that the Scions are all named after World War II tanks.
• Throughout the battle, the infographics are a steady source of laughs:
  [Skarbrand initiates Mighty Strike] -> [Imperial Tonka Truck suffers 17 wounds and fucking dies]
  [Sister Squad initiates overwatch] -> [Overwatch barely helps] -> [42 Piercing Claws wounds 11 times, no saves—no sisters]
  [Draigo initiates Stab] -> [The Masque is kill]
  [Deathwatch team shoots at plaguebearers] -> [1 plaguebearer actually dies?!]
  [Skarbrand hits Dreadknight for 21 wounds ripripripripripriprip]
  [Skarbrand hits Elirush for 15 waffles]
• A meta joke, with an actual Dawn of War-esque victory screen popping up right after the episode proper is over. There is even a loading screen with paper skeleton Emperor offering a thumbs up.
  You have escaped the uncomfortably moist realms of the Warp without suffering a hundred percent casualty rate!
• The Credit roll has notes about the various crew members who worked on the episode tacked on to the beat of the outro that go from genuine, to goofy, and borderline libel. Some highlights include...
  • Alfa incessantly mocking himself in the comments and calls his victory in the tabletop game that provided the basis of this chapter an accident because he is absolutely horrid at it.
  • Randolph Carter, voice of the Emperor's human form, unsurprisingly plays Custodes. He also started writing the script for this episode back in 2015.
  • Eliphus being from Belgium is why Elirush's accent is, to quote Russ, "full of waffles". He also enjoys thick plaguebearer thighs.
  • Yohan Gasmask, voice of Lucius and Ahriman, still uses Skype for some reason.
  • Zoran, voice of Russ, is labeled a "Squat apologist".
  • Fresh, voice of Corax and the Master of the Administratum, cannot comprehend the idea of an unsliced pizza.
  • SuperAnchors, voice of Rogal Dorn, gets called out for repeatedly linking a prolonged Expand Dong-esque meme about Dorn's multiple (and earth-shattering) sexual conquests◊.
  • Earndil, voice of the Grand Provost Marshal and Epidemius, was actually sick while voicing the latter for this episode. His laughter is said to be infectious as well.
  • Hulkykrow, voice of Kayvaan, is apologized to by Alfa for having to screw up his throat voice as a Bloodletter...multiple times.
• Fyodor insisting on standing with the psykers to help them open the gate, straining intensely to assist his men in their Herculean endeavor... or he would, if he actually had any psychic powers in the first place, and instead is just giving himself a brain aneurysm. Even Leman Russ is too sober to argue with him.

Episode 26 Part 2: Fear and Loathing in Commorragh

• The Emperor is quite excited to see his plans progress, and he doesn't bother hiding it.
  The Emperor: Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy!
  • Even then, his mood still gets dinged a little by Rogal being Rogal and Custodisi openly lusting over Magnus again (which gets him psychically slapped around, then smacked with a restraining order).
• As glad as he is to see the Emperor back, Leman Russ is still having trouble accepting the fact he's incarnated in the "ragged, chairbound farm animal" that is Karamazov, and he actually pukes a little trying to come to terms with it.
• Russ snaps the Canoness out of her subconscious salivating over the Emperor-In-Fyodor by giving her a smack on the butt. With a bolter. Remarkably, she doesn't seem to mind.
• A Dark Eldar tries to negotiate with the Inquisition and Leman Russ.
  Custodisi: What is it doing?
  The Emperor: It is trying to speak to them. Mistake number one.
  • What follows is an absolutely epic beatdown in which Leman Russ literally punches the Dark Eldar in half, jumps on its face, and then beats it for a minute straight with his bare hands until it completely evaporates.
  The Emperor: You know what? Given the soul-crushing amount of arbitrary deaths decent people die for no reason in this galaxy, it is surprisingly refreshing to see it happen first-hand to someone who absolutely deserves it.
  • Rogal Dorn's reaction to the aforementioned beatdown: "Oh, how I have missed Leman!"
• Inquisitor Headsmash makes his glorious return, only to be dragged into Commorragh in the middle of his retirement speech.
  • Headsmash's response to the aforementioned Dark Eldar beatdown.
    Headsmash: Have I died and gone to murder-heaven?
• When the Dark Eldar arrive, the Emperor calls up a random tour guide in the Imperial Palace to rattle off a description of all of their weaponry directly from the Dark Eldar Codex.
  Tour Guide: The Drukhari's arsenal consists of Dark Lances, Agonizers, Electro-corrosive Whips, Flesh Gauntlets, Chain-Flails, Scissor Hands, Husk-Blades, Hellglaives, Punishers, Stingers, Destructors, Crucibles of Maledictions, Combat Drugs, Gruesome Talismans, Hellmasks, Shadow Fields, (inhale) Terrorfexes, Horrorfexes, Tormentor Helms, Masks of the Damned, Goblets of Spite, Shard Carbines, Splinter Rifles, Nightmare Dolls, Archangels of Pain, Torture Amps, Xenospasms, Murderdick Shooters... and by Mecharius' saggy marble sack could these weapon names be any more childishly grim?!
  • Then of course, they mention Leman Russ's weapons of choice, The Sword of Balenight and Scornspitter, not to mention Rogal Dorn's Storm's Teeth.
  • Generally the tour guide himself is hilarious. One of the best bits is when the Inquisition is calling Fyodor a heretic.
    Guide: I do not understand ANYTHING THAT IS HAPPENING and my body is CONVULSING IRREGULARLY.
• Related to the above: Fyodor has become the host for a fragment of the God-Emperor's soul and is being labeled a heretic. This basically equates to the Catholic Church calling Jesus a heretic.
  • We can even see Leeman facepalming over the inquisition's collective stupidity.
• The most calm and rational voice of reason among the collected Inquisitors? Inquisitor Kryptman.
• The Emperor says that he kind of likes Kryptman, not knowing just who he is.
  The Emperor: I like this Kryptman man.
  Rogal Dorn: You should not. He committed the largest genocide in Imperial history in his attempts to repel the Tyranids. He was exiled from the Inquisition for being. Too. Cruel.
  The Emperor: *beat* I am sure it was nothing personal and absolutely necessary in the end.
  Custodisi: My lord, you can just retract your statement about liking him.
  The Emperor: I never err in my judgments, you flabby cockcarpet. I am sure he is a very rational and sympathetic individual.
• The Dark Eldar heading communications with the Inquisition asks the single dumbest question you'd ever expect to hear come out of a Dark Eldar's mouth. Everyone present and those watching from Terra all answer the same and Leman tears into them after that.
  Dark Eldar: Come the fuck on, Vect wants a word with you and you expect us to immediately slaughter you wholesale?
  The Emperor: Yes.
  Rogal: Yes.
  Custodisi: Myes.
  Fyodor: Yes!
  Draigo: yES!
  Leman: YES! By the grace of Fenris, yes! You must think we've all contracted NURGLITE HYPER-SYPHILS to be mad enough to trust your ill-begotten ilk! Eldar would never miss an opportunity to cause pain, mayhem, and suffering and you've got to be thirteen wolves a' gullible to assume good intentions from even a single one of their honeyed words! Phrases like 'delivery' and 'audience' are always euphemisms for 'torture horribly for eons and eons cuz' it tickles me willy!' to yer lot. If this isn't a trap, I'm gonna buy an ENTIRE LIVING CAT AND NOT EAT IT.
  
• Of all of the Inquisition present, Headsmash is the only one not affected by the Emperor's psychic persuasion.
  Headsmash: So, like... am I actually going to have to be the straight man here in pointing out how bad this idea is? This feels... gross.
  • Even his beloved Exterminatus button is cheering alongside everyone else.
• When the Inquisition board the Dark Elder ships, Kaldor Draigo is dragging the un-vaporized half of the Dark Eldar that Leman Russ punched in half earlier. Also doubles as a Heartwarming Moment.
  Kaldor Draigo: I think we should help the poor boy!
• Lady Malys is introduced talking to herself in the mirror. All of her lines are just her speaking in French and "hon hon hon" laughter, but are subtitled [clown speak].
• The Deceiver of all possible things calls out the Dark Eldar on their murderous ways.
  The Deceiver: GHAAAAARGH! Shut the FUCK UP Tahril! You’re part of the problem!

Episode 27: A Cat to Yarn, A Bird to Folly

• Kitten's reaction to learning that Magnus' plan involves reviving the Emperor.
  Kitten: (Kitten bends backwards into frame before dragging himself across the floor towards Magnus accompanied by rapid Source Engine collision sounds)
  Magnus: Seems I caught your attention.
  Kitten: (uncomfortably close to Magnus) WHAT IS IT YOU WANT ME TO DO TELL ME IMMEDIATELY.
  Magnus: You're not mad anymore?
  Kitten: YES
  Magnus: Yes you're mad, or yes you're not ma-
  Kitten: LET'S GO TO MY OFFICE
  Magnus: Okay.
  • Earndil posted picture of the actual script for this moment in October 2020 as an example of what a modern TTS script looks like. The wording retroactively explains the reason for Source Engine collision sounds.
    [turns around immediately with the speed of bones breaking. Slides back towards Magnus like a Gmod prop being pulled along the ground.]
• When Kitten and Magnus are discussing the Proteus Protocol, Magnus mentions it is in the hands of the "progressive" elements of the Dark Mechanicus, which Kitten translates to (and Magnus confirms as) "techno-fiddlers." Cut to one such heretical Adept:
  Dark Mechanicus Adept: MAKE PEE-NIS INTO ROBOT!
  • Fun Genius Bonus: The piece of tech being fiddled is a Lord of Skulls, a Khornate war machine that looks like a centaur with a tank-half known for having a rather phallic◊ cannon.
  • When bringing this fact up, Magnus refers to learning about this from other Chaos worshipers as "information dripping down the heretical grape vine".
• The "Army Building with Kitten and Magnus" segment is essentially just two 40k nerds hanging out debating on how to build an army, complete with Magnus chilling in a beanbag chair.
  Kitten: ALROGIHT. I will need to get a hodgepodge of different units to get this to work. First I'll get a squad of—
  Magnus: Get bikes.
  Kitten: N-no, I don't need bikes.
  Magnus: Not taking bikes is a mistake...
  Kitten: We do not need bikes for this mission.
  Magnus: You always need bikes.
  Kitten: We do not need bikes, we need politicians!
  Magnus: ...Why not politicians on bikes?
  Kitten: Bikes won't make arguing policy any easier!
  Magnus: You're arguing with the Adeptus Mechanicus, it literally will.
  Kitten: No bikes!
  • Magnus' insistence on bikes is doubly hilarious since, on the tabletop, a pure Thousand Sons army cannot take bikes.
• Since Kitten needs diplomats for his mission to Mars, he turns to the Emissaries Imperiatus Shield Host, masters of "the subtle art of the guilt trip."
  Kitten: Hammurabi Unferth, could I have a word?
  Unferth: Captain-General! You do not visit very often... what brings you here?
  Kitten: I am in need of your warriors, Shield-Captain. We are going on a mission.
  Unferth: My warriors are always at your command, Captain-General. Don't worry about me, though... I can just... stay here...
  Kitten: You're coming too.
  Unferth: That is so generous of you.
• And they get to tackling the matter of excavation, where Zegram wasn't able to keep a straight face during recording.
  Magnus: That's all good, but this mission might need you to excavate the datascapes of ancient Mars, Companion. You'd better bring some Custodians specialized in digging holes.
  Kitten: I don't exactly have any Iron Warriors available.
  Magnus: Hah. (giggling) Perturabo digs holes. I can't—! Shit! [Genuine Laughter]
• Instead Kitten turns to the Shadowkeepers Shield Host, which keep the technological abominations from the Dark Age of Technology beneath the Palace in check. Like a mass of mechanical tentacles speaking in tongues through a talking bass toy with low batteries to make it sound appropriately horrid.
  Kitten: This is slightly uncomfortable.
• The Lockwarden is so suave and soft-spoken that his subtitles come with sunglasses-wearing smileys at the end of his sentences. And when he sees Kitten, he assumes the other Custodes has come to the vaults to "bewail your crushed heart" again. Which implies that his thing with Shadowsun might be canon after all.
  Kitten: ...What.
  Lockwarden: You know you cannot keep doing this-
  Kitten: No! No. I am here for you and your Keepers, Lockwarden.
  Lockwarden: And we're here for you, Captain-General.
  Kitten: Stop.
  Lockwarden: Love is a strange thing, dude...
  Kitten: Not canon.
  Lockwarden: ...but sometimes a break-up is a blessing in disguise.
  Kitten: SHUT. (beat) Shut up and get in the fuckin' line, Lockwarden.
• On the subject of transports, Kitten and Magnus have a spat over whether bikes count, before the former settles on a Coronus Grav-Carrier.◊
  Magnus: (very clearly trying not to laugh) If the pontoons on that thing were protruding upwards, it'd look like a big-boy sausage-mobile...
• The discussion of the need for some serious firepower just to be sure results in one of Magnus's funnier lines in the episode.
  Kitten: The datascapes of Mars contain many a mechanical spectre, so coming armed would be wise.
  Magnus: You should bring a Dreadnought.
  Kitten: ...Okay, not a bad idea.
  Magnus: YEEEEEH!
• Unfortunately, Brothers Sterto and Dehisce are still dozing.
  Kitten: Really? REALLY? C'mon lads, you just woke up! What, five hundred years isn't enough? I need brawn! BRAWN!
  ???: DID SOMEBODY SAY... BRAWN?
• Cue "Awaken My Quivering Abs" and the grand debut of the Custodian Dreadnought Santodes, a giant, musclebound, flexing Dreadnought with golden bishonen hair who is every bit as homoerotic as the other Custodes, and is equal parts a giant JoJo reference and Super Kami Guru.
  Kitten: Brother Santodes.
  Santodes: LITTLE KITTEN! IS THAT YOU?
  Kitten: It is your Captain-General, yes.
  Santodes: MMM. LITTLE KITTEN. IT IS GOOD - TO HEAR - YOUR VOICE.
  Kitten: I hadn't realized you were awake, Santodes.
  Santodes: MY MASTER AWAKENED MEEEEEEEEEEE!!
  Kitten: Yeah yeah, of course he did. Would you like to go on a mission?
  Santodes: FINALLY. MY THERMIC REACTOR IS PULSATING WITH EXCITEMEEEEEEEENT!
  Kitten: Alright, good, come along then.
  Santodes: BUT FIRST.... MY COGS MUST BE OILED. (Chapter Serfs appear, spraying oil on Santodes) AND MY LOCKS SHALT BE HYDRATED.
• When Kitten gets his host together, Magnus has one question:
  Magnus: WHOA, hold on! (beat) Why aren't all of them naked?
  (beat)
  Kitten: I'm sorry to report, but not every Custodian stopped using their armour.
  Magnus: That's... disappointing.
  Pop-Up: [Everyone's reaction to the 8th ed. Custodes Codex]
  Santodes: AGREED! DESPONDANT FAAAILURES, ALL OF YOU!
  Boreale: Fehled!
  Unferth: The Emissaries would have stripped! If anyone had bothered to tell us to, but no one had the time to do that, apparently.
  Lockwarden: Look, let's be real. Wearing slick, black, gold-trimmed Allarus Terminator Armour is just as erogenous as wearing nothing at all.
  Santodes: THIS IS FAIR.
  Lockwarden: You honour us, Venerable One!
  Santodes: HU-MON-GOUS TER-MI-NAT-OR DADDIES!!
  Magnus: Never apply that inflection to the word "daddy" ever again.
• Kitten mentioning he should change to proper Custodian apparel (rather than his current silvery wear) makes Magnus skip the lengthy process of disrobing all the metal armor and just psychically strip him naked. Again. In front of everyone he was about to take to the Mars mission.
  Lockwarden: What was she^*Shadowsun THINKING?
  Kitten: This was incredibly unnecessary.
  Santodes: LITTLE KITTEN, YOU MUST SQUAT MORE FREQUENTLY.
  Kitten: I am in NO NEED of constructive criticism!
• Even in his formal armour, one of Kitten's pauldrons remains silvery, which Magnus explains is the "malignant power of Tzeentch roiling in whatever you wear."
  Magnus: No worries, leave the armour in a tube of Simple Green overnight and it should be fine.
  Kitten: Oh, brilliant, that's our preferred degreasing brand anyhow. Oil spills are far too abundant in this palace!
  Santodes: THERE IS PASSIVE-AGGRESSION IN THE AIR.
  Kitten: It's not as passive as you'd like to believe, Santodes!
  • Also something of an in-joke; Simple Green is the most recommended solvent to remove paint from plastic miniatures without harming them.
• Just before the happy Custodies group was sent to Mars, the audience witness a glorious piece of voice acting done by Karl the Deranged when a random Custodes appears on top of their transport saying this
  Deranged Custodes: PLEASE SEND US TO FHACKING MARS ALREADAY!!! I WANT TO CRAWL ON THE DUNES WITH MY FINGERED NAILS!!!!!!!''
  
• The Emperor tries to explain Karamazov's situation to the Fabstodies. The key-word being "tries."
  The Emperor: [Karamozov is] Not as much dead as... overridden. Beat
  Whammudes: Who is riding him?
  The Emperor: (Facepalm)
  Rogal Dorn: No one. He is riding his throne.
  Whammudes: oooOOOH! That's how he controls the throne! Aah! That makes sense, AND is blindingly revolting.
  The Emperor: Do you know what? Your lube-addled brain could never grasp my explanation as anything more than a bawdy double entendre. So there is barely a point in trying to describe to you my newfangled bond with Fyodor's body. Whammudes: (Lip smack) You are entirely correct in that assessment.
• The tour guide from the last episode manages to Offhand Backhand Whammudes when announcing Magnus' return.
  Custodisi: Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho! The saucy spice boy returns.
  The Emperor: I summon PROHIBITION HAMMER. (telekinetically lifts a thunder hammer, which has the words "Restraining Order" engraved on it.)
  Custodisi: Prohibitionsonlyeverexpanddemands- (WHAM)
  (Magnus appears in a flash of light)
  Magnus: Father?
  The Emperor: Son. Rogal Dorn: Brother!
  Magnus: Brother.
  Custodisi: Hot stuff!
  Magnus: What?
  The Emperor: Curtailment. (telekinetically smashes Custodisi with the giant hammer again) Proceed. Magnus: (staring at Custodisi on the floor) ...okay.
• Just as Magnus feared the Emperor doesn't hold back with the chicken puns, even using his powers to create a psychic hand to slap his knee with.
  Magnus: Father! I have returned.
  The Emperor: With chicken wings. Magnus: And I bring news of both stellar and substandard nature— (notices he's holding a bucket of fried chicken) Wait, what, where the fuck did—??
• When Magnus can't remember how to properly refer to Kitten, the tour guide, now eating the bucket of chicken that appeared in Magnus' hand, helps him out.
  Magnus: Thank you... you.
  Chronicler: My mind is no fortress! It is an open pasture ravaged by internecine conflict and chicken. (munch)
• Rogal succinctly describes how the Fabstodes "helped" in the fight with Magnus.
  Rogal: In the end, they did not set up any fortifications, defied gravity for no reason, and were naked. They were really bad at helping.
• After Magnus compares the Fabstodes to his brothers, "the asshole ones," they collapse in shame.
  The Emperor: Holy shit. Where did this word-shivved pile of corpses come from? I suspect fowl play. (psychically slapping his knee as a rooster crows) Hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey! Magnus: I fucking knew this would happen...
  The Emperor: I am funny.
• Magnus is understandably displeased to learn that the Emperor, just like the incident with Karamazov back in episode 18, in fact knew the truth about everything.
  Magnus: Oh my gods, it's this again...
• Dorn takes a moment to explain that The Emperor is playing Regicide to fulfill his own goals.
  Rogal: I hope you can follow this comparison, but I understand if you do not, for it is very esoteric.
  The Emperor: Wow. Baby's first metaphor. Rogal: I am not an infant. I am many years old.
• And the Emperor apologizes, in his own way.
  The Emperor: Did not mean to ruffle your feathers. Magnus: You are inssssssssufferably cocky.
  The Emperor: So are you. (beat) But literally. (rooster crows, knee slapping resumes) Hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey! Rogal: Hah. That is funny. Magnus has the properties of a cock.
  Magnus: QUIET!
  Rogal: No.
  Magnus: No—YES! FUCK you, Dorn! I'm telling you about our journey now!
  The Emperor: Tell us of the plans you have hatched. Magnus: hHUURGH— OKAY.
• Everyone reflects on how "The Beast" broke Orkish naming conventions.
  The Emperor: Strange name for an Ork. Usually when Orks actually have names, the names are only there to highlight their identity as the utter apex of their rickety garbage fraternity. Like, for instance, "Big Boss Goldload Chairsitta." Whammudes: Or "Warboss Thighmasta."
  Magnus: Or "Bookbred Wolfsmasha."
  Custodisi: Or "Badstich Redthirsta."
  The Chronicler: Or "Gashmash Weedstasha Banana-Slam-mam-tab-maram."
  Karstodes: Or "Big Green!"
  (beat)
  Cutodisi: [miniscule snicker]
  Karstodes: No, I swear, that one is completely real, I was reading a book called Deathworld about the Catachan Jungle Fighters - check page 19 of that book, it is right there, I promise!
  The Emperor: You cannot read. You keep forgetting this. Karstodes: My glorious overlord, I am determined to learn!
  • And the worst part? He's right, the book he mentions, down to the page, really does have a Big Green.
• Dorn is asked to tell the story of Vulkan's reappearance during the War of the Beast in the 32nd Millenium, and remains blunter than a thunder hammer.
  Dorn: In the 32nd millenium... Vulkan existed.
• Magnus comments that Vulkan had turned the planet into a Promethean Sun.
  Chronicler: Title Drop!
  Whammudes: Who is this Normal and WHY DID YOU LET HIM IN?!
• The story's summary is filled with Black Comedy, what with Vulkan incinerating the planet due to their worship of Eldar Exodites before promising to protect it from further harm. The paper cutout expression of the planet itself is hilarious.
  The Emperor: Preserving a world of charred corpses entirely out of guilt is a very Vulkan thing to do.
• The way he finishes his story counts as well, being both blunt and completely accurate.
  Dorn: He sacrificed himself by tackling the Beast into the temple-machine's power generators, detonating them. Shattering the war machine in its entirety, and saving the Imperium from one substantially-sized issue... For a time. Then it came back. And there were five others. The War of the Beast was weird.
• After the story, the Custodes mention considering the Primarchs their brothers - upon which Custodisi immediately asks if Magnus had ever heard of "Wincest", prompting the Emperor to delete him. He wasn't actually destroyed, he was just sent to the Old World, the main setting to 40K's fantasy counterpart.
• Whammudes after hearing The Beast get brought up, asks if they should tell The Emperor about how the Orks invaded Terra that one time. Karstodes responds with a Rapid-Fire "No!".
• Rogal and Magnus are increasingly worried by The Emperor's inability to grasp how much time has passed.
  The Emperor: I expect [Corvus Corax and Vulkan] home by next month. So, in five years real-time.
  Rogal: I am planning on getting him a chronometer for his birthday.
  Magnus: He has a birthday?!
• The Emperor allows Magnus to take a break, declaring that they will reconvene in 84 years.
• It's revealed in the credits that the Cherubs are voiced by Zoran the Bear. Yes, really.
  This man who has the baritone of an actual fucking bear can perfectly imitate the crying of an infant and it is horrifying.
• The ending, wherein we check in on Diomedes and Boreale fixing sandwiches for Magnus and get into a heated argument (Using sentence-mixed dialogue) over whether scones count as sandwiches or cakes. Diomedes eventually escalates the whole thing by slamming his hammer into Boreale's face.

Episode 28: Custodian Hustle

• Custodisi's anticlimactic return to the 40K universe. Even though he was covered in dung, had his arm chopped off, and set ablaze in the sixth special, here he's in perfect condition as if none of that had ever happened at all. Well, for the most part. Oh, and not to mention that he's still wearing his Gorger-Lord attire, which he'll probably be wearing for the rest of the series, cemented by the fact that the subtitles still refer to him as the Gorger-Lord. Of course, he hasn't even gotten over his stalkerish crush on Magnus.
  • And his first words of the episode?
    Gorger-Lord^note Custodisi: I return from Hell.
    The Emperor: Not now, creep.
• The Emperor tells Whamuudes to speak of the time he encountered the Black Library to Magnus
  The Emperor: You there, Clown Library Explorer Number One.
  Clown Library Explorer Number One^note Whamuudes: I don't like that name...
  The Emperor: Explain to this bag of fluff how you came across The Black Library.
  Magnus: Sorry, what?!
  Clown Library Explorer Number One: Must I, my Master?
  The Emperor: You must.
  Magnus: You must!
  Clown Library Explorer Number One: Ahkay.
• The Emperor, some time after, decides to activate his Emprojector, flipping through Holovision channels too. One includes a show starring Confessor Jan Fletcher, Grand Master Covan beating the everloving shit out of "Digganobz," and a VRChat prank series starring Karl the Deranged before finally coming across the Custodes on Mars, courtesy of Cypher.
  • His reaction to said VRChat prank series?
    The Emperor:Oh hell to the fuck no!
• When He finally switches to Kitten and his expedition on Mars, courtesy of Cypher's holovid camera eyes, Kitten is once again reciting the Dawn of War tutorial to his team. Cypher meanwhile treats it as another episode of "Cypher Stalks People".
  Kitten: (having finished the recital) Are there any questions?
  Santodes: WAIT, COULD YOU EXPLAIN THE CONCEPT OF 'REQUISITION', AGAIN?
  Kitten: No.
  Santodes: HMMPH.
• Outside the Fabricator General's temple, the Custodes are halted by a group of Skitarii who talk like the computer from Half-Life.
  Skitarii: Meat - detected.
  Kitten: Oh, here we go...
  Skitarii: Subject - identified. Branch: Adeptus - Custodes. Rank: Captain-General. Name: (fizzle) Screw - that.
  Kitten: Well that's rude.
  Skitarii: What - is - your - purpose - here?
  Kitten: We are here to meet with your Fabricator-General?
  Skitarii: Access - Denied.
  Kitten: ...You do realize I'm a High Lord of Terra, yes?
  Skitarii: You - do - realize - that Access. Denied.
• Karstodes remarks that the Skiitari are acting incredibly off base, not respecting a Captain-General of the Custodes. This causes a warp duplicate of Karstodes to emerge from him, let out a horrid death rattle and drop dead on the spot. This can be taken as either his own conceited self-image dying after admitting that Kitten is in a higher position, or that he's so hypocritical that the part of him that rationalizes it died from overexertion trying to make sense of his own logic.
  Emperor: I see your double standard doubled over and died.
• After getting stonewalled, Kitten decides to employ his brawn.
  Kitten: If reason cannot be applied... unreasonable means must be taken. Brother Santodes! Convince them.
  Santodes: (leaping forward and flexing) MMMMMMMMMMM-HMMMMMM.
  (back at the palace)
  Karstodes and Wamuudes: It's our boyyyy!
  (back on Mars)
  Santodes: (sinuously posing) OHHHHHHH M A R S Y B O Y S...
  Karstodes and Wamuudes: [exhilaration unbound]
  Santodes:BIONIC BABIES...
  Skitarii: ...Yes?
  Santodes: WOULD YOU EVER REJECT SUCH LEGENDARY ARTIFICE FROM ENTERING YOUR DOMAIN?
  Skitarii: Uh...
  Santodes: LOOK UPON MY SMOOTH AURAMITE.
  Skitarii: Oh...
  Santodes: MY OILED JOINTS.
  Skitarii: Ohhh...
  Santodes: MY WELL-ROUNDED CHASSIS.
  Skitarii: (aroused) Beep...
  Santodes: MY THERMIC REACTOR PULSATES WITH SMOOTH, VELVETY, BEATS.
  Skitarii: I... I... G-g-g-g-gah!
  Santodes: SKITARII... I WANT TO ENTER YOUR TEMPLE.
  Skitarii: Access... (oil spreads down the front of their robes) G-G-G-G-Granted.
  Santodes: Mm-hmm~
  Kitten: Great, Santodes. Good job. That's, that's great...
  Tech-Priest: Mrräöögghggg sexy bloated containerggh.
• Meanwhile, back at the Palace...
  Karstodes: Brother Santodes' mechanized body has not hampered him in the slightest. In fact, it has better served him than any one of our organic forms ever could!
  Wamuudes: (sighs dreamily) I want to be like him when I get fucking murdered...
  The Emperor: Drill into my skull and remove my cognizance please.
  Rogal: The Skitarii are leaking. Their components are brazenly sub-par.
  Wamuudes: (debased cackling) D'awww, your innocence is palpable-
  (The Emperor telekinetically hits him with Prohibition Hammer seven times)
• Kitten's negotiations with the Fabricator-General... except instead of dry political arguments, it is instead a massive musical number apparently being sung in binary.
  • How does this work? The binary translator from before Magnus was a part of the ensemble, five years ago, makes a return.
  • The best part is that if you translate the binary, is says the same words, but everything is spelled in Leet Speak.
  • While the song is otherwise fairly epic, its ending... not so much.
    Fabricator-General: That you have the gall!
    Lrak: Oh, are you gonna bawl?
    Fabricator-General: I hate you all!
    (beat)
    Kitten: This is getting banal. Please give us the Proteus Protocol?
    Fabricator-General: Fine. (n3v3r, 1 w1ll h4v3 j00 4224221N473D)
    Kitten: Yuss!
    Custodes: VICTORY FOR THE CAPTAIN-GENERALLLLL!!
    (a Servitor falls from the ceiling onto Kitten)
  • How does the Fabricator'General give them directions when he finally relents? He throws a servitor at Kitten - a servitor that sounds like a broken GPS which constantly tells them to "Make a U-Turn."
  • The Emperor then comments that he isn't sure if the song was supposed to be diagetic or not. Immediately afterward, Wammudes, who is voiced by Alfabusa, comments that "Whatever it was, it sure made me die!" (referencing how long it took him to render the entire scene)
• Cypher muses how interesting things are getting after the Custodes leaves and gurgles, but does it in his normal voice so the Fabricator General overhears him. Cypher's response is less screamed and more honked than anything.
  Fabricator-General of Mars: What meat-lipped cretin is gurgling in HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE?!?
  Cypher: PRANK!
  (Cypher throws a book that hits the Fabricator-General square in the face hard enough to embed itself)
  Fabricator-General: Ow. This is a... book. The Secrets of the Dark Angels Chapter.
  (beat)
  Fabricator-General: What is with today?!
• In the aftermath of the the negotiations, Kitten's doubt towards his own abilities makes his fellow Custodians explain his level-headed demeanor is his greatest asset. They go on to say they don't need a Warmaster, they need a caretaker, or as Santodes puts it: A Daddy. He takes this a bit too far though...
  Santodes: PUSH ME, DADDY! PUSH ME ON THE SWIIIIIIIIIIIIIING—(Catches the Emperor's psychic fist to the back of the head)—Owww.
• Rogal lectures the Emperor on how hypocritical it is that he of all people keeps giving advice on redemption. The irritated Emperor grabs him by the neck, drags him into his lap for a nap and pulls a massive blanket to cover him. However, Rogal requests a story. The Emperor sighs and gets Ten Books on Architecture - Rogal's favorite.
  • Note that when the Emperor picks up Rogal, his body, complete with the Centurion armor, doesn't change posture in the slightest.
    Rogal: You are lucky my neck is immensely powerful.
• The Fabricator-General of Mars, after receiving a "Secrets of the Dark Angels Chapter" book, decides to get in touch with Cawl. The subtitles render it like this:
  Fabricator-General: Can I get aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... Cawl?
  Machine: Would you like to call cawl?
  Fabricator-General: Call a call to Cawl.
  Machine: Cawling Cawl.
• When the Fabricator-General sends the information on the Custodes to Cawl, he sends it by literally having a Tech-Priest throw a servitor at Cawl's head.
• Azrael spends several minutes monologuing about how the Dark Angels' paranoia has done more harm than good and the only reason everyone is suspicious of them is because of how intensely they're trying to cover everything up. He resolves to work to better the Dark Angels as a whole and not put the Chapter's needs ahead of everyone else's, with the Fabricator-General commenting how happy he is to meet someone who isn't an asshole today. Then Azrael notices the Fabricator-General is holding something.
  Azrael: What is that book you have there?!
  Fabricator-General: I dunno! It's just The Secrets of the Dark Angels Chapteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer- Oh. That's inconvenient.
  Azrael: Asmodaaaiii!
  Asmodai: (cartwheels in) INTERROGATE?!
  Azrael: Our assumptions are confirmed!
  Asmodai: WHAT
  Azrael: He has a suspicious book!
  Asmodai: BOOK
  Azrael: He is in cahoots with the Fallen!
  Asmodai: FALLEN
  Azrael: Make him REPENT!
  Asmodai: (charges the Fabricator-General) REPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-!

Episode 29: Bad Jokes, Dad Jokes

• The introductory recap is told by the King of Khanashan... to mixed results. He can't even line up with some of the captions well.
• Magnus and Custodisi are walking the shadowy passage to the Black Library, and the former barely notices his surroundings over his focus on the eldritch tomes.
  Magnus: Yes, gloomy... and so... book...
  Custodisi: Oh! But your enlightened iridescence would brighten any realm! With you nearby, I sense naught but joy!
  (long Beat)
  Custodisi: The silence of the past five seconds has taught me much. I shall henceforth respect your boundaries. I hope you can forgive my poor percipience.
  Magnus: Huh? S-sorry, I wasn't, just... smell changed, have you noticed? Smells like Rubrics, but... clowner.
  Custodisi: Ooooh, that must the - oh.
  Cegorach: Welcome to the book nook, boys!
  Custodisi: Cloooowwwnnn!
• Which leads to the problem of what to call the greatest of harlequins.
  Magnus: You! You're the Laughing God! Ce... Sig-or-ash?
  Cegorach: (grinning) Nope!
  Magnus: -ach?
  Cegorach: (still grinning) Nope-nope-nope!
  Custodisi: Seg-or-ach?
  Cegorach: No! ;)
  Magnus: Sheogorath?
  Cegorach: Mmm-hm?
  Magnus: Cag-or-ach?
  Cegorach: Uh-huh?
  Magnus: Kakarot?
  Cegorach: Mmm!
  Magnus: Damn you, Honk God, how do you pronounce your evil, horrible clown name?!
  Cegorach: Oh! That! Is! Right! (makes a quartet of Thousand Sons corpses applaud)
  Magnus: Okay, we'll stick with the Laughing God, then.
  Custodisi: I'll stick to "abomination-"
  Cegorach: [clown shriek]
  Custodisi: Yeargh!
  • By his response, Cegorach may consider "Honk God" an acceptable name.
• Cegorach once again asks if the visitors have brought their library cards, when Custodisi responds with confusion, Chegorach decides to poke fun at the Imperial High Gothic Language
  Cegorach: Ah, sorry, sorry! I forgot who I'm dealing with. I mean Libraium cards for the Blackarius Librariarius
  [[Clapping]]
  Magnus: N-no.
  Cegorach: -ium?
  Magnus: No! No cards. Get away!
• Cegorach, much like the Emperor, seems to get a kick out of chicken jokes at Magnus' expense.
  Cegorach: So, why did the chicken cross the Webway?
  Magnus: Ugh, is this all you will provide? A cavalcade of odious goofs?
  Cegorach: No, I just want to know why the hell you're outside of my house, kilithikadya fried chicken! ^note "Were one present, a Por'El of T'au might inform you that 'kilithikadya' refers to things to come in the IMMEDIATE FUTURE."
  Magnus: Oh, neat, another chicken joke, wow, that's so COMEDY!
• When Magnus threatens to blast every Harlequin with magic if he's not allowed into the Black Library, Cegorach compliments him for the joke and asks if he'll be the god's ghostwriter.
  Magnus: No, but, I can... turn you into a ghost!
  (drums and a laugh track as the skeletons applaud again)
  Cegorach: (thinking) Shit, that was good! I need him on my team!
• Magnus and Cegorach have an exchange that concisely and accurately sums up religion in the grimdark future.
  Magnus: AHKAY. You are definitely one of those gods.
  Cegorach: There really isn't any other kind!
• Cegorach challenges Magnus to a game for access to the library. Magnus accepts... then immediately backtracks when he sees Cegorach put on a Duel Disk.
  Magnus: I hardly think a decrepit old has-been like you could ever OH. fffffff Not that fucking game...
  Cegorach: It is time to g-g-g-g-gggg-GET OWNED Mr. The Red!
  • Magnus then blows up said Duel Disk, which Cegorach and the Harlequin audience finds hilarious.
    Magnus: (summons bomb(with 'Ass Blassum' written on it) attached to a bear trap(with 'No Joy') written on it) and throws it at the Duel Disk)
    Cegorach: ooOOOO! (Duel Disk explodes) My gimmick deck is ruined!!
    Magnus: UH-OH. Seems your deck's weak to HAND TRAPS, ASSHOLE let me in!
    (lights come on, revealing a stage with Harlequins as the audience)
    Harlequin Announcer: WOW! THAT WAS A PRETTY FUNNY REFERENCE! SEEMS MAGNUS THE RED IS THE WINNER OF THIS ROUND, FOLKS!
    Magnus: what
    • The fact that Ass Blassum and No Joy are legitimate Yu Gi Oh references to a particular set of cancerous cards, one of which is a hand trap.
• Dorn, Boy, the Tour Guide and a few random Mechanicus Cult members are having waffles, made by Dorn himself, but he warns them that they are heavily fortified. While the Mechanicus cultists collectively make a cog out of their meals and the Tour Guide just gives up, Boy proceeds to try to cut his waffles with, in succession, a spoon, a hammer, and a drill. The waffles do not yield. Then Boy brings out explosives, and the waffles continue to stand - albeit with Scratch Damage.
  The Emperor: Rogal. Do you know what would augment your dopamine even further?
  Rogal: Yes. Lunch.
  The Emperor: Reuniting with your sons.
  Rogal: ...No.
  The Emperor: You must leave this palace sooner or later, Rogal.
  Rogal: No.
  The Emperor: You cannot stay here for all time.
  Rogal: (moving between Boy and the explosives) No.
  The Emperor: You just agreed with me.
  Rogal: No.
  The Emperor: YOU EPIC FAIL.
• The Emperor is able to once again use his husk as a film projector to give live footage of the Star-Child's meeting with the Dark Eldar leadership.
  The Tour Guide: The necrosis in my feet grows with the mere sight of this creature.
  Boy: spiky.
  Rogal: So, this is the Supreme Overlord.
  The Emperor: Did his razor throne give it away?
  Rogal: His hat is huge and horrible, and looks like a lobster. Eldar always flaunt their importance by wearing easily-sniped headwear.
  The Tour Guide: (gasps) Big hat, E-ldar, E-cclesiach? Coincidence?
  Boy: (small gasp) no!
• Vect points out that his guest's parental nature is out-of-character, since the Emperor is known to be an awful father.
  Star-Child: Ahhh, so you knew?
  Rogal: Ah. He knows.
  The Emperor: He does not know shit.
  The Tour Guide: (sobbing) I don't kno-ho-ho!
  Boy: know...
  • It wasn't the result of any deduction on the Dark Eldar's part, either. Rogal is so low-key furious he demands to know when Corvus is back, presumably to consult him on where the Palace's vulnerabilities are.
    Urien Rakarth: Planting spyware in that shack you call a palace was a simple task. (sharp inhale) Slavesayswhat?
    Rogal: What? W- I- (eyes crackling) NOOOOO. (flips table) I will reinstall the Palace.
    The Emperor: Please do not do this.
    Rogal: (drilling into the floor) I AM REINSTALLING THE PALACE. INFORM ME WHEN CORVUS IS HERE, I REQUIRE HIS INFILTRATION EXPERTISE.
• The Star-Child is only impressed when the Dark Eldar reveal they're going to torture him so hard, his agony will free the Dark Eldar from The Great Enemy forever.
  The Star-Child: Wow! Suffering for a purpose greater than myself! Don’t think I've ever done that before...
  The Emperor: Fuck you... Me.
• And the Star-Child doesn't just think that the Dark Eldars' plan is clever, he goes as far as to call it benevolent, since it will save the entire Eldar species and create a source of infinite energy they could use to rebuild their lost empire, and the Drukhari would be able to give up their murderous, torture-filled lifestyle.
  Vect: (awkward laugh) That's, uh-
  Rakarth: Shut the fuck up.
  Vect: -a bit hasty...
  The Star-Child: Look, I get that you Dark Eldar will literally die and get swallowed by Slaanesh if you don't act the scoundrel. That has evidently been a problem for everyone for a few millennia now.
  Vect: Yes, true.
  Rakarth: Define "problem."
  The Star-Child: But instead of just continuing down that road, and not really caring for long-term sustainability, you are going out of your way and, honestly, risking your very existence on the chance that this problem can be rectified.
  Vect: I... (conceited giggling) Yes, what else is there to do? We play from a disadvantaged position in the Great Game.
  The Star-Child: You know what I think? Despite everything, I think there is some genuine good in you. In fact, I can see it, shining through you as clearly as the suns in the sky you kidnapped.
  Vect: (giggles, which turns to evil laughter, which turns into pained choking) This! By the Muses, what is this sensation?! Your pathetic but very nice words content me so, and- (gasps for breath) - I have no idea why! (gasps for breath) They please me, more than a glass of my finest wine, yet it also feels like I am burning inside! Like, literally burning! (chuckles) Ow. (pained laughter) Please! Won't you tell me more?
  The Star-Child: Well, have to be honest: I also really like your hat.
  Vect: (gasps) This. This was your plan... That's it. You have been promoted from torture victim to best friend and torture victim!
  The Star-Child: I'm so happy! (jovial laughter)
  Vect: Me too! It's despicable! (laughs, then vomits blood) Oh no.
• When Magnus and Cegorach's comedy duel begins, Cegorach starts off with hitting himself in the head with a mallet, which the audience loves. Magnus meanwhile thinks being pedantic is satire, as his attempt at comedy - riffing on a classic Eldar story and pointing out cliches - is a clear Take That! to CinemaSins.
• Vect asks Rakarth what's going on, and the Haemonculus Lord speculates that the "throne-creature" is emanating some sort of "anti-negative energy" that's damaging the Dark Eldar.
  Vect: Why aren't you affected, then?!
  (one of Rakarth's arms falls off)
  Vect: ...Oh. Well, that’s not good.
  The Star-Child: Uh, one of your arms fell off. Sh-should I be worried?
  Vect: Not to worry, pal! Old Urien is just coming apart like soggy bread!
• A short while later, Vect is interrupted by one of the Drukhari barging in on his private audience, showing just how badly the Supreme Overlord has underestimated his opponent.
  Drukhari: My lord..?
  Vect: Yes, what is it? :) WHAT THE FUCK IS IT?!
  Drukhari: I just... have to tell you... I LOVE your hat. :) (begins melting into a pile of sludge)
  Vect: Oh... Oh no. We have a leak.
• In round two of the comedy duel, Cegorach just makes a bunch of distorted screams, while Magnus attempts a joke only to be met with cries of "cringe," subtitled as [horrible jeering clown noise].
  Harlequin: Go back to Prospero, Wide-Ahriman!
  Magnus: (snaps, revealing his true face) Ah. Yes. You know that feeling when your home planet is torn asunder by a pack of spiteful bigots and you live in pain and suffering for ten thousand years, knowing that you could have saved it, had you not fucked. Up. Over, and over, and over, until you're forced to stand before an assemblage of literal jeering clowns who call you cringe and tell you to go back to your aforementioned long-since destroyed home?! CAN ANYONE RELATE?!
  (beat)
  Custodisi: Big moood!
  Harlequin Audience: Ah, big mood! [relating HA's]
  Magnus: [stares blankly into the audience, then directly at the camera in realization.]
• Magnus asking Custodisi what it was that suddenly worked in the second round and Magnus' decided course of action.
  Magnus: Okay, enlighten me, what did I do right last round?
  Custodisi: I think it might have been the self-deprecation stuff? People consume that ordure like it's candy.
  Magnus: (Clicks tongue) Right then. I suppose it's time to weaponize my damage.
  Custodisi: Please don't overdo it.
  Magnus: (Singsong) I will definitely overdo it.
• When the Dark Eldar put some headphones on the Star-Child to play "the song of our people" (which Rakarth claims will turn his ear canals into worms) the ear-rape comes through to the Palace.
  The Emperor: Holy shit, I fucking hate Dark Eldar.
  The Tour Guide: (scream of unimaginable pain)
  (the Emperor makes some telekinetic hands to stick their fingers in the Guide's ears)
  The Tour Guide: Oh, it is like the sweet caress of a cotton swab, but a thousand, thousand times as pleasing.
  The Emperor: Nauseating. Why do I even keep this one around?
  Rogal: A reminder, father, of what you fight for.
  The Emperor: But jesters for my amusement.
  (the fingers repeatedly unplug and re-plug the Tour Guide’s ears, to [pain] and [relief] )
• When the ear-rape ends, the Star-Child proceeds to state it is quite the Ear Worm.
• In round three of the comedy duel, Cegorach gets on stage, asks "What do you get when you cross an audience... with a gun?", produces a badly-edited picture of a (40,000-year-old) handgun being held in a human hand and a deafening bass-boosted noise, kills the entire audience, then himself. The screen cuts to black after he turns the gun on himself, but then slowly a visage appears...
  Ralof: Hey, you. You're finally awake.
  (a wagon full of Harlequins laughs its way to Helgen, leaving Magnus and Custodisi standing in the road behind)
  Magnus: This is an ancient videogame reference this isn't comedy.
  Custodisi: It was re-released just last year, so it's still pretty fresh, I'd say.
  Magnus: But where is the joke?
  (a dragon roars in the distance, and Magnus blows it out of the sky with a fireball)
  Magnus: Where's the joke?!
  • Two things. First, in the grim darkness of the 41st Millennium, Skyrim is still being rereleased. Second, Magnus casually one-shots Alduin, the World Eater, while in the midst of a mental breakdown over what is and isn't humor.
  • On top of that, Ralof's subtitles are in Skyrim's in-game font.
• When it's Magnus' turn again, he resorts to the mother of all self-depreciative humor - listing every single horrible mistake he's made over his ten-thousand-year existence. The psychic trauma nearly kills him, but the Harlequins at least think it's sort of funny.
  Magnus: Number 1, getting out of my incubation pod. Number 2, getting adopted. Number 3, using hair mousse. Number 4, developing an addiction to hair mousse. Number 5, learning how to read. Number 6, eating hair mousse...
  [...]
  Magnus: Number 979, after the Council of Nikea, I sat in my spire and cried for seven days and seven nights like a big baby. Number 980, I allowed Prosperan PDF to turn my tears into grenades. Number 981, the grenades were technically psychic, so the PDF had to be executed and replaced. Number 982, I ate a donut...
  [...]
  Magnus: Number 999, I put my trust in TZEEEEEEENTCH!! (crumples) Ugh. So that was cringe. Number 1000, I used the powers Tzeentch gave me to ruin my father's Webway project and thus doomed the Imperium. Number 1001... I ate another donut...
  [...]
  Magnus: Number 1005... I cried for eight days and eight nights... Number 1006... I ran out of fluids, but I didn't want to go outside, and I couldn't use sorcery... so I just drank lamp oil and kept crying... Number 1007... I developed an addiction to lamp oil! (coughs weakly)
  • Just the fact that Magnus manages to break one thousand mistakes... and still be in the middle of the Horus Heresy. Man-Emperor knows how high that number could have gotten if he'd been able and allowed to keep going.
• Meanwhile in Comorragh, Vect continues to decay while playing a game of Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan Roulette-Fourth Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip Poker with the Star-Child, while the rest of the Dark Eldar are melting with joy. Yes, the Star Child is literally killing the Dark Eldar with his kindness.
  Dark Eldar 1: I feel so... contennnt...
  Dark Eldar 2: I love acknowledging the feelings of othersssss...
  Vect: My city is falling apart, and here I am... vibing...
  • At one point a Dark Eldar slaver is so overwhelmed by joy and compassion that it opens the slave pens holding Ork prisoners. They promptly beat the shit out of said slaver.
• Ephrael Stern's reappearance has her completely in awe at how large Magnus is, evidently uncaring that he's a Daemon Primarch, exactly what her duties order her to kill without remorse or hesitation. Magnus, on the other hand, is considerably less enthused given the bullying he'd suffered at his brothers' hands.
  Magnus: Oh no, a jock...
  • He then lightly touches her shoulder, giving him the holy equivalent of a nasty static shock.
• Then Magnus, Custodisi and Stern go through a portal right into the midst of an Eldar ritual.
  Eldrad Ulthran: Yes, I am aware the rune looks like a fish skeleton. Exactly as intended. Now - hold on, my brain is swelling (turns around) annnnnd by Khaine that is Magnus the Red.
  Magnus: Hello. (beat) Need a hand?
  Custodisi: (detaches his bionic arm)
  (a Death Jester appears from nowhere and laughs hysterically)

Episode 30

Part 1: Cosmic Irrationality

• Tahril is just about done with everything, and it shows through him snarking at everyone.
  • First, when conversing with Lady Malys:
    Lady Malys: You're a good boy, Tahril! Do you wish to hear some fun news?
    Tahril: My consent is ever irrelevant.
  • Then he's unfazed at The Deceiver ranting at him:
    The Deceiver: FUCK! fuUUUUUCK!! DO you know what this MEANS, Tahril?!
    Tahril: That you're going to bark information at me regardless of my readiness?
    The Deceiver: IT MEANS FUUUUUCK!
  • It reaches the point where he's not afraid of criticizing The Deceiver's plans:
    The Deceiver: Shoot down Vect's giant floating pyramid and HOPE it gets SWALLOWED IN A BLACK HOLE!
    Tahril: Quite the thought-out plan, I'm sure Vect has never considered such an action.
    The Deceiver: I WILL MAKE YOUR SKIN VANISH, TAHRIL!
    Tahril: [sigh of audible apathy]
• The Deceiver tells Vect why he wants Kaldor Draigo dead, by mind-raping the entire story directly into his brain. At one point Tahril just asks him to get to the point by inserting himself into the flashback; The Deceiver doesn't really appreciate it.
  Tahril: Where are you going with this?
  The Deceiver: GETTING TO THAT, ASSHOLE, OUT OF MY MIND THEATRE!
• A larger focus of the episode revolves around the machinations of The Deceiver talking to his agents, as well as other shards of himself, one of which is him in a weird hat, and the other is influencing Cawl in the shape of... The Deceiver scrunched up into a cube.
• When questioning the Emperor on if he'd truly care for the death of a "loved one", the Abducted Chronicler begins a statement with "You castrated yourself-". The Emperor IMMEDIATELY bends his head down, despite being, you know, a rotted skeleton, to check to see if that's true. (The Chronicler continues "upon the altar of progress...")

Part 2: Oh No Oh NO OH NO OH NO OH NO OH NO

• Much of the episode is funny in a more grim way, due to it being more serious than those seen previously.
• Diomedes is cornered and moments from being blasted into oblivion. His final words?
  Diomedes: Brother, I am pinned h-
• There is something hilarious about The Emperor, who has been established through the specials to be a min-maxing powergamer, calling Cawl a meta-chasing cheesewheel when the Archmagos starts laying waste to the Custodes.