Funny / If The Emperor Had A Text To Speech Device If The Emperor Had A Podcast

White Scars

The Emperor, Rogal, Whammudes, and Custodisi explore the history of the White Scars legion.

• Rogal's picked out a new wall name for himself - "Adorable."
• Apparently, there’s a censor embedded in the device being used to make the podcast. It sounds like an airhorn, and the Emperor sets it off every few minutes. Hilarity Ensues.
  Rogal: Perhaps you could use this as an exercise in not overusing profanity, father?
  Emperor: Go [HONK] yourself Rogal.
  Rogal: I believe that is biologically impossible, father. And I have only seen Lorgar do that with extensive genetic modifications.
  Emperor: Is there an option to censor everything Rogal says ever?
  Rogal: Shhh…I am “Adorable”.
  Emperor: You are most certainly not!
  • As a result of the above, the Emperor has to resort to increasingly silly pseudo-swears to bypass the filter, which constantly amuses the two Custodes and even Rogal, who we actually hear laugh a couple of times. At one point one of Rogal's retorts comes intertwined with an amused chuckle.
    • At one point we hear Empy using “fudge” as substitute profanity. Rogal refuses to let him get away with it.
      Rogal: I am Adorable, and I like fudge.
  • The censor also doesn't care for any mention of Chaos or the Chaos Gods, which is a problem since the historical record contains many instances of the White Scars fighting Chaos forces. This results in the Emperor demanding they come up with a clever euphemism for Chaos, and the coining of the term..."Choas". It also results in an unfortunate (and particularly loud) double-honk when Fucking Horus is brought up.
• The Emperor's reaction to a description of the idyllic landscape of Mundus Planus/Chogoris: "Not nearly enough gold and factorums."
• Whammudes getting crazy-excited and “having a speedstroke” while reading about Khan’s tactics as shown at 30:20.
  • Also, Whammudes accidentally saying “Goblin Throne” instead of “Golden Throne”. Everyone in-universe comments on it, and apparently Custodisi won't let him live it down.
• During the podcast, one of the books reviewed (the Book of the Astronomican) has some... fairly notorious plot holes and errors in it. But, because it spells the White Scars as Whitescars, and the Emperor thinks that's how it should be spelled, he agrees with everything be book says, much to Dorn's increasing ire.
• Taco Tuesday/Thursday/Friday. Serious fucking business, to the point of starting the Dornian Heresy because the Emperor and Rogal couldn't agree on which day was best for eating tacos.
  • The letter that starts the whole thing is pretty funny too, as it tells the tale of a planet plagued by civil wars for 10,000 years all because nobody could remember if the Emperor had once ordered them to celebrate Taco Tuesday or Taco Thursday.
  • Custodisi's attempt at not taking part in this squabble is not appreciated in the least
  Custodisi: Tacos are overrated. I personally prefer fajitas better.
  The Emperor: What are you, Malal 2.0? Stop being a contrarian for the sake of it or I will have you taken out back to mysteriously disappear as well.
  • Which meansMalal was deleted by the Emperor for disagreeing of importance of tacos.
• They constantly make fun of Daemon Prince Voldorius, pointing out that despite being a champion and later daemon of Khorne his personal direct body count (not counting servants and nanobot weapons) is zero, suffering numerous humiliating defeats against even unorganized human rebels.
  • Not to mention the Emperor's text-to-speech program consistently glitches out while trying to pronounce his name, ending up with something that, according to Whamuudes, sounds more like the Emperor wants to vomit.
• The Emperor notes how it makes sense for the White Scars to not have that many dreadnoughts, as you can't use the White Scar's Hit-and-Run Tactics with a lumbering dreadnought, you can only hit.
  Custodisi: Hit-and-waddle more like.
• The Emperor mocks the rather bland name of Mundus Planus (Literally 'Plain Land'). Only for Rogal to note The Emperor's own much beloved planet literally means 'Dirt'.
  Emperor: [HONK] you, Rogal.
• Much of the podcast itself is funny because since everyone (besides the Emperor) recorded in real time there's a fair deal of jokes made as a result of them goofing with one another. Sometimes it gets so out of hand that if someone starts laughing they sometimes crack into their actual voices when doing so.
  Whammudes: Yes, yes, the planet is called Mundus Planus—
  Custodisi Mundus Plane-us
  Whammudes: Will you shut up!? *Custodisi laughs*
• During the Q&A session at the end, they receive a letter from an Ork. After trying to figure out what it means, they realize that an Ork is somehow inside the Imperial Palace, and the Custodes abruptly remember just what happened the last time that sort of thing occurred. Cue Whammudes lying through his teeth to assure the Emperor that everything is just fine while Custodisi is quietly checking with other Custodes to make sure there's no Ork Battle Moons in the sky over Terra again.
• The little boy holding the equipment gets some funny lines too, highlighting just how uneducated the average imperial citizen is:
  • When first introduced the Emperor tells him he can stop breathing now. While Big E means more to stop wheezing into the microphone, Boy takes it literally and takes an extremely deep breath. The line was obviously improv, as Custodi's voice actor briefly cracks up out of character.
  • He initially thinks the White Scars are what you get when you cut yourself with a rusty knife. The Emperor actually finds it kind of amusing. He later declares his name is "Boy" after the child takes too long to introduce himself to his Emperor with his actual name.
  • He has no idea what a motorbike is, undermining the Emperor's point about why the White Scars would be terrifying for the average citizen.
  • He completely fails to understand the whole Choas workaround to bypass the sensor despite Dorn making it even more obvious than it should be.
  • Apparently his family dinners are so fucked up due to lack of resources the Rampagers' Blooding ritual, in which they scar themselves and then use the blood gathered in the following feast reminds him of his own meals.

The Last Church

• Multiple times, Karstodes addresses Rogal as “Lord Adornable”.
• The Custodes and Dorn are apparently so large that Boy has to sprint just to match their walking pace.
• Karstodes, having missed the last few episodes and first podcast, is consistently thrown off by the decidedly more casual and irreverent attitude the other Custodes have adopted towards the Emperor.
• The Custodes trying and failing to explain to the Emperor why the original story makes him come off as just bullying an old man.
• Karstodes being extremely hostile to Boy to the point of gleefully offering to snap his neck and throw him out the window, to Boy's evident terror, is fine black comedy.
• This gem:
  Emps: If you give me this information [from the Black Library] without a singular terrible innuendo I may consider listening to you.
  Whammudes: Certainly! You see, I was thrusting forth through the bowels of that clown library…
  Emps: As one of the ten thousand you could possibly be my biggest failure and you are living proof that eugenics does not work.
• Rogal Dorn is Not So Above It All:
  Rogal: Rubbing things in is not my job. You have your Custodians for that. [Cue aroused snickering from all three custodians]
• After the Emperor notices that “Tales of Heresy” features Angron on the cover:
  Emps: Wow. The highest form of irony is that I am fairly certain he never, ever cared for the act of reading. Or how letters function. Or how to hold things that cannot handle grip-pressure of 2000 kilograms per square centimeter.
  Rogal: He instead highly enjoyed watching sitcoms.
• After a reference to a joke in the story about scotch being the "only spirit he'll believe in", the Emperor claims one of his secret plans is to awaken the nascent warp god of alcohol and become it's most fervent follower. This leads to an awkward pause when nobody can tell whether he's joking or not.
• Custodisi does the unthinkable: calls the God-Emperor of Mankind an asshole for his treatment of Uriah Olathaire. Empy’s response?
  Emperor: Stunned Silence OH.
  • Custodisi's persistent criticism eventually elicits this threat.
    Emperor: CEASE THE VIBRATIONS OF YOUR VOCAL CORDS IMMEDIATELY BEFORE I EXPAND THEIR MASS AND MAKE YOU CHOKE ON THEM.
    [painfully long Beat, save for a cacophony of blaring alarms]
    Custodisi: Choking is a function I have long since transcended.
  • Karstodes reaction later:
  “Holy balls – all right – this is HIGHLY UNORTHODOX!”
• Remleiz, aka Cyberdong the Techpriest shows up:
  Cyberdong: Hello? A humble collector of knowledge may be beseeching your word? Would you believe I may have read this story through the pict-feeds of your Custodian’s helmets? Would it be possible to now ask an obnoxious amount of questions about it?
  Emps: You are a creep but okay.
• The hilariously drawn-out and painful-sounding way Cyberdong pronounces URSH.
• When Cyberdong asks what is a Franc:
  Emps: Franc was a country known for it's production of striped shirts, the Napoleon Complex and the best Fist of the North Star dub ever. ^note The French dub of the original Fist of the North Star anime is memetically considered to be a borderline Gag Dub due to the underwhelming performance of the actors and the very softened down punny dialogs.
• This:
  Cyberdong: What is Tali?
  Emps: A pizza place.
• Cyberdong calling the Emperor an asshole in his special roundabout way. Karstodes is having none of it:
  Karstodes: WELP, you are DEFINITELY going OUT the window! BEGONE YOU TRASH! [defenestrates Cyberdong]
  Cyberdong: What is a throw? [crash]
• When it's revealed that Uriah is now a Chaos worshipper one of the custodians breaks character to call this out as disrespectful to the source material.
  Custodisi: I hate this, I hate everything about this, this is taking a huge dump over the entire being that was Uriah and the record in-and-of itself, why would anyone do this.
  • Also, when Uriah reveals himself to be a daemon, Rogal Dorn of all people lets out a high-pitched, girly squeal of fright.
  • Custodisi, the custodian in question, is generally hilariously pissed off at finding out he's been playing Devil's Advocate for an actual devil, and the aforementioned breaking character was just one example of it.
  Custodisi: Damn it. I have been unwittingly defending someone who is now a literal daemon this entire voxcast. AH WELL. Time to go inject a promethium cocktail into my face and get interred into a dreadnought AIGHT BYE.
  • For those unfamiliar with Dreadnoughts, what Custodisi is essentially suggesting here is that he'd rather melt his face with Promethium, get hooked up to what amounts to a life supporting coffin with limbs and weapons and experience the agony of his melted face for the rest of his existence than face the awkwardness of having played Devil's Advocate for someone who turned out to be a Chaos Worshipper who is implied to have ascended to Daemonhood.
• When Uriah starts getting warmed up in the debate, the Custodians start to panic.
  Custodisi: Oh no, he has actual arguments! Run for cover!
• At one point the Emperor's response to Uriah's arguments is to just start repeating "REMOVE CHOAS" over and over again, to the latter's extreme exasperation.
• When the Emperor tells the Inquisition to not murder any babies, Whammudes replies "Unless they are traitorous babies". Uriah gets outraged over the idea that a baby can be traitorous, and the conversation is hopelessly derailed.
  Uriah: A baby cannot be a traitor! A baby is a baby!
  Emperor: Oh your outrage truly is rich, Padre, considering your ex-religion invented the concept of "Original Sin".
  Uriah: Oh GODS, that's not similar in the least! You are all disgusting!
  Emperor: I question your judgment, Choas-Man. I am certain your church is made out of dead babies.
  Rogal Dorn: That is rather impressive. How did you build such a structure? The foundation must have taken you months to construct.
  Uriah: NO! My church is NOT made out of dead babies!
• During the transition to the Questions segment, we find out the announcer is an actual character:
  Announcer: [QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS SEGMENT] ALSO HOLY [REDACTED] IS THAT A CHAOS WORSHIPER?? WHAT THE [REDACTED]
  Uriah: Wow, even the announcers are rude...
• The Emperor finally manages to actually get Uriah to surprised and flabbergasted by admitting that yes, he kidnapped Magnus the Red (and got his soul back by repeatedly stabbing Tzeentch in the face).
  Uriah: You did what. W-we can't just go past that thing you said, a-as if it's not a thing you just said...
• The final act that finally convinces the harried Emperor to toss back Uriah Olathaire back into the Warp? Said person declared that tacos aren't delicious enough to fight wars over which days to eat them.
  • The Emperor and Dorn's reasoning about why people can't just eat tacos on whatever day they want is a bizarre digression on the need for consent. From the tacos. With the implication that eating tacos outside the designated day is analogous to rape.
• Boy takes one look at Cyberdong's mask and thinks it's Death coming to take Boy away. Karstodes also thinks Cyberdong is Death and encourages him to take Boy.
• Custodisi and Whammudes would ship Emps/Uriah, "if that ship hadn't already sunk." Whammudes still wants to ship it even after learning that Uriah is a demon. Even Boy points out the heresy in that.
• Dorn mentions the ranks of the Custodians in conversation... they are the damned tribunes of the Custodes (essentially the captains to the Captain-General's Chapter Master). Put in context this makes their antics even funnier since it means that Kitten cannot even control his direct subordinates, to say nothing of one of the commanders of the Emperor's guard being illiterate.
• The discussion on the Big Bang:
  Rogal: Boy, do you know what the Big Bang is?
  Boy: S-sounds really... lewd.
  [snickering from the Custodes]
  Custodisi: Wow, you know what, it does!
  The Emperor: Are you serious right now!? I was warming up to Boy but you are turning him to your side!
• Uriah, not knowing about the censor, repeatedly shows annoyance over the use of 'Choas' as a dodge. However, once he actually tries to say chaos and trips the censor, he acknowledges why they were doing so in a apologetic tone.
• During the QnA section of the Podcast, the gang is once again graced with a poorly written letter from another Ork somewhere in the palace, which comes with a poorly-drawn picture of the Ork gods stabbing the Emperor to death. After that very message, the Emperor curses so much that he seemingly breaks the autocensor.
  The Emperor: Did I kill it?
  • Uriah, meanwhile, chortles the entire time.
• Remleiz, the Cyberdong Techpriest, welcomes himself in with a "Hello". And then another, and another and another, all the while everyone in the room ignores his advances, being too busy bickering.

Black Templars, Dorn's Angry Boys

• As an introduction, the Emperor uses a dolphin parable to explain what is wrong with the imperium, leading to this line:
  The Emperor: Terra's tits. What crawled up you collective bowels and self-terminated?
  Custodisi: The entire doblin throne, most likely.
• Helbrecht's voice is one all of its own; even with some actual canon backing it (the Helsreach audiobook and famous fan animation used it), no one in universe or outside expected the head of the biggest army of Space Marines and commander of one of the most powerful forces in the Imperium to sound like a preachy goblin gone berserk. The Emperor suggests he should probably take all the lozenges and everyone is quite pained to put up with his rasp.
  • Meta moment: In the video comments, Alfa reveals voicing Helbrecht did quite a number on his vocal chords, including severe pain, profuse sweating and according to eyewitness reports (his significant other) sounding "disgusting". Several comments honored his chords' sacrifice.
• Near the beginning of the Podcast, the Emperor states the best way to temper Black Templar rage is to rip one of them away from their Eternal Crusade to bring him in front of them for an anger management class. Rogal, for once, is stuttering speechless.
  Rogal: No. NO! That is the— that- that is an awful idea. Actually it may be the worst idea.
  • The Emperor defends it by saying he came up with the idea, and it was peer-reviewed, Rogal doesn't buy it.
    Rogal: Whom did you happen to have on hand to possibly be your peer in discussing this?
    Emperor: Your mother.
    Rogal: Father. *Beat* You know that a tube is an untrustworthy source for professional proofreading.
    Emperor: Do not speak of your mother like that, you ungrateful garbage brat.
• Rogal calls the Emperor on his pathetic performance in the last voxcast, pointing out that he's seen Him talk down enemy armies using only Haiku before but this time he was barely making coherent arguments. The Emperor tells him he's wrong without any further explanation (beyond an overcomplicated version of "because I say so") and then badgers Dorn into dropping it. Also, they were senryū.
• Helbrecht proves to be as Literal-Minded as Rogal, as evidenced by this exchange when The Emperor describes the Ultramarines.
  Custodisi: So uh... what's the punchline?
  The Emperor: There is none. I am genuinely sick of shitting on the Ultramarines.
  Helbrecht: You have shat upon the Ultramarines?! (laughs) Ahh, that would have been a sight! How do you even defecate, my Emperor?! I hope that it was not too hard nor too soft.
  The Emperor: Fucking dammit, Helbrecht, please be quiet in class.
  • The Emperor sends Helbrecht off with a reminder that he and his brothers should make sure to get their shit together before their new Battle Brothers arrive. Naturally, Helbrecht is Literal-Minded here as well.
• As the Emperor is blasting the Black Templar's recruitment program, saying it's literally just Knights and Squires redux, except calling the squires "neophytes" and generally being rattled and upset it's been revived so far into the future despite its obvious flaws, Whammudes makes an unwelcome interjection:
  Whammudes: Excuse me, but aren't "squires" those silly, thin-limbed walkers that follow Imperial Knights around?
  *several-second beat*
  Emperor: [slowed down] My Imperium is so fucking stupid.
• Though no taco-related letters were read, The Emperor still had to mention it.
  Emperor: If you take away anything from this, please let it be that you should never be controlled by you hatred, that you should never judge someone by their countenance, and that you should never isolate yourself in a void of cynical elitism. Unless your targets are Xenos. Or heretics. Or people who do not eat The Taco on Fridays.
  Rogal: Stop right there with your bad opinions, father!
  Emperor: A-I-G-H-T, bye.
  Rogal: TUESDAY!
• Among the letters is the proposal for a Super Breeding Program for Emperor-like beings, which leaves absolutely everyone disgusted, confused or both. As for the Emperor?
  Emperor: *Pumps shotgun* Get Out! of my fucking palace right now.
  • Also a Brick Joke of sorts, as it's the same shotgun Rogal had cocked to shut Karstodes up at the beginning of the podcast. Or "shutgon", rather; it's even mispelled both times.
• Helbecht gets fanmail from a Necron Lord thanking him for his campaigns against a rival Necron Lord. He suffers a mental breakdown trying to process this, since aiding an alien is heresy, but refusing to kill them is also heresy.
  • His reactions to the Emperor's newly-imposed reforms are hilarious.
• In the Q&A, someone riles up the Emperor again simply by asking if he's getting his exercise, who then proceeds to maim him offscreen
  Custodisi: "Hey Emps, how much exercise ya gettin'?"
  Emperor: Fuck you and your functioning legs, I will rip them off.
  [Screams and gory noises in the background indicate the Emperor actually carried that out]
• Another Q&A moment: one letter simply reads: "I have a question for the Man-Emperor, where do I send it?"
  Emperor: I am so fucking confused.
• While the outbursts the Custodians have is terrifying, the argument starts off with the sound of clanging silverware as Karstodes, Custodisi, and then the Emperor start to get into it. It sounds like they are a family around a dinner table having petty argument or a bunch of noblemen slamming down their tea cups and little stirring spoons instead of the most powerful men in the process of starting a potential Imperium wide schism over a philosophical division.
  • Things get so out of hand that Helbrecht has to step in as the voice of reason, though he believes it to be An Aesop being delivered through example. The Emperor quickly agrees before moving on to the Q&A.
• Helbrecht's continued unawareness that the Centurion is Rogal Dorn (As Rogal wears his helmet) leads to some great reactions. Like when he declares that the Eternal Crusader, the Black Templar's flagship was Rogal Dorn's favorite "spaceboat".
  Dorn: Phaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanx

Inquisitor Draco

• The thumbnail is a very apt summary of the observations made by the cast, being little else but a close-up of Inquisitor Draco with a blunt but distressingly accurate phrase.
  I LONG FOR GENESTEALER ASS
• Just as Foreshadowing, The Vox-Cast announcer designates this particular broadcast as Omega-Prioris and very clearly doesn't want to inflict its horrors on the people of the Imperium by giving them plenty of opportunities to back out of listening. He then snaps back to his usual bombast to give the Thought of the Day, which turns out to be him forbidding anyone under 18 standard years old from listening.
• As this is the first Vox-Cast to feature slight animation, the viewers are now able to see the positioning of the cast. Whammudes is perched up on a pillar like a muscular, oiled-up gargoyle with the implication that that's been where he's been sitting during the Vox-Casts the entire time.
  • Being that there's an empty perch across the room from him, coupled with Custodisi's absence due to being DELETE'd in the previous episode, we can logically assume the was sitting in much the same fashion as his fellow Tribune. Think back to their little group tantrum in the last voxcast with this new nugget of knowledge.
• After the awkward silence that fills the room having processed what they spent this time reading, the literal first words that the Emperor speaks set his mood.
  Emperor: DUMPY GRIMBO.
• Just the introductions of the novel and its author are hilarious, with the cast repeating the same description of the book with increasingly-absurd changes:
  Decius: Well, this record... goes by the name... Inquisitor, written by... illustrious Scribe... Ian Watson. Author of the screen story of... Steve Spielman's A.I.
  [...]
  Magnus: This tome was found in several different publications, with its alternative title being... erm... Draco, by Ian Watson, author of the screen story for Steve Spelmam's A.I.
  Dorn: It is the first part of the Inquisition War trilogy, by Ian Watson, author of the screen for Steven's Abominable Intelligence.
  Karstodes: It's also been found by me under the names The Philoflo-... Philusu-... Philufuso-... PHILO-SOPHER'S Stone and The Sausager's Stone, by Ian Watson, author of the Harry Spielberg series!
  Emperor: IT IS... A BOOK. BY IAN WATSON, AUTHOR OF THE SCREEN STORY FOR STEV SPELBORG'S AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.
• The group finds out that the author, Ian Watson, wrote a novel called Orgasmachine. This explains so much of the novel to them in hindsight. They then spend a lot of the review openly kink-shaming the author and suggesting he was typing one-handed the entire time. They also have a Running Gag about how Stanley Kubrick had expressed interest in making a film version of the novel, expressing utter disbelief over the very idea.
  Stanley Kubrick: WHO KNOWS IAN? MAYBE THIS IS MY NEXT MOVIE? MAYBE THIS IS MY NEXT MOVIE. THIS IS MY NEXT MOVIE. NEXT MOVIE. NEEEEEEXT MOVIIIIIIIIE.
  • Mancclesiarch Decius sometimes slips into his old vocal habits after reading particularly Squicky passages in the book.
  • Magnus, however, found the entire thing to be So Bad, It's Good, with one passage in particular causing him to struggle through reading it.
    Magnus: He muses that there are "millions dead, and here I munch," and that although the genestealers are losing this fight, that fact is but "sugar on the porridge of death"!! *Wheezes* This is the best book ever...!
  • Boy, meanwhile, could use a serious dose of Brain Bleach after being subjected to the novel.
    Boy: my one eye may be blind, but the black pit still sees... it sees shadows, beings past our reality, and the book has enlightened me as to their true nature...
    Rogal: I have changed my mind! This fetish pornography is definitely worse [than the book Lorgar wrote].
    Boy: tentagls...
  • Magnus then asks in an insane, hysterical manner if the tentacles have been telling him to burn things. Just the delivery is great enough as it is.
• In the first prologue of the second edition the in-universe narrator expresses shock and revulsion that an Inquisitor would openly travel with a Squat. The crew wonders why the inquisition didn't just edit it to say he was a rogue techpriest, as they did elsewhere. The places where it was done elsewhere was in the even later versions of this very book and in its sequels (yes, there were sequels; the collective is called the Inquisition War trilogy).
• Draco confusingly writes the prologue in first-person but the rest of the book in third-person. He compares this to the True Name clause and even handily provides an example. Magnus reads it and accidentally summons a very confused Daemon.
  Thlyy'gzul'zhaell: Where am I?
  Decius: Oh my lord!
  The Emperor: Fuck off.
  Thlyy'gzul'zhaell: SHIT! A GIANT SKELETON!
  [The Emperor casually obliterates him]
  The Emperor: NO DAEMONS IN THE THRONE ROOM, MAGNUS.
  Magnus: ...No promises are made.
• Rogal suggests that they not take the time to point out everything they find objectionable, as that would take at least a week and Boy would starve. Boy candidly says not to worry because he could drink his own blood to survive. After a Beat, Rogal responds with a genuinely baffled Little "No".
• Rogal Dorn finds it increasingly difficult to keep Boy from learning awful things thanks to this book and the present company around him. For context he reaches a point where the only other time he's been heard yelling as loudly was when he first revealed himself in his attempts to get the Emperor to not talk about the Space Wolves.
  Wammudes: Jaq Draco then proceeds to have an internal monologue about haagh... how he... how he really wants some of that GENESTEALER PUSSY.
  Everyone: [PAIN]
  Rogal: (grumbling) I will kill that Ian Watson.
  Wammudes: That is a statement I will NOT repeat and already regret having said!
  Boy: ...gussy...
  Rogal: NOOOOOOOOO!!!^note This is the same Big "NO!" that the Emperor's essence had shouted when warning him about the Tau threat in the series proper
  • He's not kidding either. The book actually goes into great detail over Inquisitor Draco's Perverse Sexual Lust towards his retinue's Callidus Meh'Lindi, even in her Genestealer Hybrid form. ^{TOO MUCH INFORMATION WARNING}The book also brings up the fact that her Genestealer form has the requisite parts. Magnus refers to it as "the fuck-pouch that she grew to simulate a vaginal opening as a part of her disguise" in order to squick Whammudes out even more.
  • There's also the fact that something dirty managed to Squick Wammudes out so much that he regrets saying it out loud. Wammudes.
• Boy's continued quoting of Whammudes as he reads the more obscene passages of the book eventually prompts Whammudes to suggest that he become a Custodian. Rogal does not take this well at all.
  Rogal: Boy! Stop quoting him! It is forbidden!
  Wammudes: Hey, Boy! Perhaps you should become a Custodian! You're still young enough to be torn apart and reconstructed by the alchemists.
  [shotgun cocks]
  Rogal: I will risk a window to have your bulbous frame thrown out of here.
  Wammudes: ...oh.
  Magnus: ...Wait, how are you even holding that shotgun?
• When the Inquisitors in-story prematurely declare victory after moving against the genestealer cult, the Emperor gets on them for being sloppy.
  The Emperor: As any Inquisitor will tell you, there is rarely any reason to assume that an evil is truly vanquished. Obispal therefore strikes one as a proper jackass, concluding his investigation without making sure all is truly well.
  [beat]
  Rogal: Father.
  [beat]
  Rogal and Magnus: Lorgar.
  The Emperor: Shut the fuck up you tube-gremlins.
  Magnus: [gremlin laugh]
  • The text-to-speech device makes "you tube-gremlins" sounds like "Youtube gremlins"... which may or may not have been intentional.
• Because Karstodes is still learning how to read, instead of picking up Inquisitor, he instead picks up a copy of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone because it also had a character named Draco. It takes most of the podcast for anyone to bother correcting him, and it's Boy who does it.
  • Shortly after when he gets corrected, there's the bit when Karstodes runs off crying when he's told that the Harry Potter series is a work of fiction, and therefore the characters aren't real. Here's the full exchange:
  Karstodes: You'd think that a good place to start would be to get past the Giant Dog that they encountered earlier. It's obviously hiding something crucial to the story!
  Boy: sir, I think you may be reading a different story...
  [beat]
  Karstodes: Shut it, Boy, you have no regard for foreshadowing, and OBVIOUSLY have been slacking off in reading our book!
  Boy: you're holding the book upside down sir...
  [beat as shuffling noises are heard]
  Karstodes: I-I-I-I-I knew that! Th-there's a picture in here that's upside-down, and I wanted a better look!
  Boy: nn and that's not the book we're reading...
  Wammudes: ...Huh, it... isn't. Shield-Captain, what is that book you are reading?
  The Emperor: I have seen this book before. This is a fictional account of a wizard from ancient Terran times.
  Rogal: This book was intended for small children during this time, and yet he thought it was an account of a rogue Inquisitor seeking to undo an imperium-wide conspiracy group. That is extremely funny.
  Karstodes: Wh-what do you mean? Everything I read was a lie...?
  Wammudes: Well, yes! It's a fictional story meant to entertain babies! Clearly, it did its job.
  Karstodes: I-I-I-I-I HATE YOU! TH-TH-THIS IS ALL WRONG!
  Decius: "Hate is a lie, truth is a lie", as Jaq Draco would put it.
  Karstodes: YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! I LOVED THESE PEOPLE! I-I-I loved Ronaldo. He was a lovable goof who was never afraid to speak his mind! AND-AND NOW HE DOESN'T EXIST?!
  Wammudes: Oh, no, it's happening again...
  Boy: it's okay, sir, he still exists in your brain...
  Karstodes: IT'S NOT THE SAME! [runs off crying]
  [beat]
  Magnus: Wow, he took that hard...
  Wammudes: [sigh...] It's... just like the time when we were reading him The Giving Tree. I-I think he's taking it a bit harder because he's the one reading it this time...
  The Emperor: What a fucking nerd. Keep going; we need to finish this up, with or without him.
  Wammudes: Right you are, my master.
  • When Karstodes introduces his book, no one corrects him. When they all realize what he's actually reading, they still don't clarify that he read the title or author wrong. Therefore, it's entirely possible that after thirty-eight millennia of translation errors and misattributations, the book is actually called "Harry Spielberg and the Sausager's Stone, by Ian Watson."
• The book's Ikea Erotica tendencies come to a head in the sixth and twelfth chapters, the former having the Narrator reluctant to even give the chapter title, and the latter having Wamuudes squicked out.
  • Further elaboration on how bad Chapter 6 is. It features a pretty graphic Mind Rape scene where even Magnus, who as stated above thought the book was So Bad, It's Good, refused to go into out of it being in poor taste.
• One chapter even goes on a little tangent to explain that the main character's crush ended up getting sacrificed to the Golden Throne...
  Magnus: ...He uses this as a flimsy excuse as to why he's sexually repressed, this record taking its every chance to talk about every person's desire for THE SEX! Because Ian Watson is a free spirit not bound by what would make a book "good" in the conventional sense, only focusing on what he, himself, wants to write about! And isn't there something quite liberating in that kind of mindset?
  Wammudes: No! No! NO! Not when you're recording an Inquisitor's investigation into a potential Choas Incursion, one of the biggest threats known to man! This is not relevant information!
  Magnus: (cracking up) Do not listen to him, Ian Watson, or any would-be scribe out there! Follow your heart, not a formula!
  Wammudes: Stop! We require no more sewer goblins writing about their arcane sexual afflictions!
  Magnus: YES, we DO!
  Wammudes: (anguish)
  Boy: I will... learn to write...
  Dorn: What have you done, Magnus?
  Boy: Inguisitr leech-person will have his day in the sun...
  Karstodes: Shut up, Boy, no one who can read would want to read that, and I CAN read, and I can tell you that no one would want to read that! So there!
• When the book reaches the part where Inquisitor Draco seeks entry to the Imperial Palace, everyone in attendance straight-up agrees to violently eject him out of a window. Everyone.
  Boy: if i were strong enough, i would destroy him...
  Rogal: Do not worry, Boy. Someday in the future you may grow strong enough to defenestrate foul, depraved, secret Inquisitors.
  Boy: [sound of childlike wonder]
• It says something about the book when Whammudes, who is unnaturally lewd even for a Custodes, is appallled by the book. When the time comes for the sex scene between Draco and Meh'lindi, his voice is thick with agony and he's visibly trying to rush through it while screaming that Ian Watson is a sex pervert. He can't even describe what Draco does to the spider tattoo on her unshaven groin without retching.
• Dorn repeatedly has Boy cover his ears during unnecessarily explicit scenes, but the damage has been done.
  Boy: i could still see the images in my hollow eye...
  Dorn: (dismayed) Nooo...
  Boy: ger hairy spidr tattoooo engulfed him...
  Dorn: Why does this book curse us so?
• After a Purple Prose filled description of a window and a lamp ("Sodium vapour flampeaux behind high false-clerestory-windows if stained glass painted patches of amber ichor, sap, and haemoglobin across the tessellated floor."), the Emperor finally snaps and completely gives up on the framing device that this is supposedly a historical record and makes several direct criticisms of it's failures at basic story structure and pacing. His rant gets increasingly angry and frustrated before finally being punctuated by him loudly declaring that "this book is bad". Its so forceful that the projector depicting Ian Watson's meeting with Stanley Kubrick shatters. He then flatly denies that the conclusion, where Draco met him personally, ever happened.
  Magnus: Stylistic writing~!
  Emperor: This goes beyond stylistic. This is not just flowery writing. This sentence is a winding hedge-maze of inanity that is indicative of everything ridiculous about Ian Watson's writing style. It took the more illiterate of us five whole fuck-mothering minutes to look up definitions for each of these words in various dictionaries we had on hand. Please, if any of you are thinking of becoming scribes, do not stop and force your readers to drop your book and pick up a dictionary every other chapter just because you want to assert your talent for finding obscure words. And to any "intellectual types" out there beginning to write an email to us about how it is the sign of a learned man who included such advanced words and phrases in a text medium: this record is shallow and only artificially deep, it is depraved, uncanny, and most damning of all boring. This is not a text that is even remotely entertaining or informative due to the way it is written, the way its story and personages are handled and even its break-neck pacing. What little entertainment we have derived from this text is obtained purely from the sheer hilarity that comes with something so irrational attempting to be presented as a serious story. ((THIS BOOK IS BAD)).
• There's a Crosses the Line Twice moment where everyone makes fun of the ridiculous exaggerations of how bad life in the palace is for the menials and child laborers... only for Boy to confirm that they're completely true, casually imply one of his friends died in an industrial accident inside the workings of the Golden Throne, and mention his siblings were trampled by crowds while working as food vendors. This causes everybody to experience a moment of horrified realization. Decius especially suddenly comprehends just how privileged his life has been when they realize none of them even know the name of the poverty-ridden city right outside the palace.
• Dorn asks Magnus his opinion on which days tacos should be served, Tuesday or Friday. Magnus declares Taco Tuesday is on Friday. The Emperor takes exception.
  Emperor: FUCK YOU. TURN THE CAST OFF RIGHT NOW.
  Magnus: THE POWERS OF CHOAS PREVAIL!!