Characters: 8-Bit Theater
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Warriors of Light
Group as a Whole
Garland: And what kind of tactics do you tend to employ?
Fighter: Oh, we usually murder our way to the top and claim victory whilst astride a pile of mangled bodies.
Garland: I see...
Fighter: But we're heroes so it's okay when we do that.
The "heroes" of the story, by virtue of the fact that they showed up to the recruiting station at the right time. Vary between stupid and evil (except for Fighter, who's always stupid
), and usually solve their problems through sheer luck and/or excessive use of violence.
- Amusing Injuries: All get hurt in various imaginative ways, rarely do the injuries last more than a panel.
- And the Adventure Continues: For Black Mage and Fighter at least. The others had better things to do with their time than hang out with Black Mage. Or Fighter. Especially Fighter... but especially Black Mage.
- Badass Crew: Fighter and Thief get to do badass things on a regular basis, but Black Mage and Red Mage have defeated multiple demigods.
- Butt Monkey: Black Mage generally has it the worst, but all of the Light Warriors get their share of abuse at various points.
- Destructive Saviour: Initially. Later they drop the "saviours" part.
- Heroic Comedic Sociopath: All of them except Fighter. For a certain value of heroic, of course.
- His Name Really Is Barkeep: "Black Mage", "Fighter" and "Red Mage" are in fact their actual names.
- Light Is Not Good: Their official title is the "Light Warriors," but they are far from the noble saviors the name implies.
- Meaningful Name: McWarrior, Evilwizardington, Statscowski. The only exception is Thief, whose last name is the name of his clan, i.e. Khee'bler. Though Thief's fake surname (since Thief isn't his real first name) might be Bastard.
- Nominal Hero: In-universe they are only considered heroes because King Steve appointed them to be the Light Warriors, and he only did so because they showed up first and tricked him into choosing them. Neither King Steve who appointed them nor Thief who became their leader cared much about the fate of the world they were supposed to save, as Thief explains in episode 336. As the story progresses it becomes increasingly obvious that the Light Warriors are the Villain Protagonists of the story.
- No Sell: Fighter's more or less immune to all damage besides brain trauma (and doesn't have much brain left to traumatize), Thief can dodge (and then sue) nearly anything, and Red Mage often gets out of horrific injury by "forgetting" to record the damage on his character sheet. The only Light Warrior who doesn't have an easy out is Black Mage, to the universe's unceasing delight.
- Prestige Class: They all eventually get one of these. Black Mage becomes a Blue Mage, Red Mage becomes a Mimic, Fighter becomes a Knight, and Thief becomes a Ninja.
- Ragtag Bunch of Misfits: And they never really grow out of it. They're at least as destructive to each other as to their enemies.
- Seen It All: By the end of the comic, except for Fighter. Well, technically he'd seen it all too, but was too busy thinking about swords to really pay attention.
- Static Character:
- Teeth-Clenched Teamwork: And that's on the very rare occasions when they do work together at all. Most of the time they are closer to Divided We Fall.
- Unsympathetic Comedy Protagonist: With the possible exception of Fighter, the Light Warriors are completely unsympathetic, which is what allows their constant infighting and failures to be so damn funny.
- Villain Protagonist: Early on in the story Black Mage kills a large number of old people in a nursing home, in the belief that one of them had conned Fighter out of his money. Things go downhill from there. When they do good it is purely by accident.
Black Mage Evilwizardington
If there was a way to get magic for free, do you really think I'd have spent so much time sacrificing children to my dark gods? For spells, I mean. Obviously there'd still be sacrifices. A hobby's a hobby.
The most evil and depraved member of the Light Warriors. Also their dedicated Only Sane Man
, blaster, and Butt Monkey
- Amazon Chaser: Towards Kary.
Black Mage: Lady, if you weren't trying to kill me, and half made out of snake, I'd be on you like blood on my knife.
- Ambidextrous Sprite: The crescent moon on his Blue Mage outfit.
- Attractive Bent-Gender: Well, the Archer Captain thinks so. Squick.
- Ax-Crazy: If he's not actively trying to destroy the world, he's stabbing his allies because they annoy him.
- Black Magic: Several offensive, or plain messed up spells.
- Blessed with Suck: He becomes this kind of character after his class change. At first he thought that Blue Magic grants its user the immunity to enemy attacks, as well as the ability to learn and use said attacks - so naturally, he was overjoyed after gaining Blue Magic. As he learned quickly (and painfully), it didn't grant him immunity to anything, and while he was able to learn attacks used against him, he had to survive them first. Plus, in the course of the series, he's learned only three spells through Blue Magic - one of which is the Goblin Punch, which has a mostly impractical range. The others include a spell specifically targeted at him, as he learns the hard way, while the third one rewrites reality according to Sarda's whim, which in practice also makes it targeted at him.
- Blood Is the New Black: Happened to him a few times.
- Brilliant but Lazy: It's fairly easy to read him as this; over the course of the comics he's used the widest varieties of spells, displayed in-depth knowledge about magical theory (including magics he doesn't personally practice, such as ice and summoning) and history, and as mentioned elsewhere, so long as he's not particularly angry or close to White Mage, he's generally the smartest of the group. He just happens to be insanely lazy, commenting more than once that a battle would go their way if they all actually fought instead of just standing by to let Red Mage get mauled, and not acting on it because it's too much effort.
- Broke Your Arm Punching Out Cthulhu: once fought off a deep one, a dinosaur, and a giant marmoset with nothing but his knife. He was certainly feeling it afterwards , though.
- But for Me, It Was Tuesday: When Sarda (rightfully) accuses him of slaughtering his parents, breaking his mind with a glimpse of his face, killing his foster family, killing his other foster family, and burning down his orphanage, Black Mage still can't seem to recall the exact set of events being referred to, and asks when he did it.
- Butt Monkey: To the point where the universe itself was created to hurt him.
- Card-Carrying Villain: He makes no attempt to present himself as anything other than evil, makes absolutely no excuse for mass-murder and destruction, and he's damn well proud of it. Red Mage and Thief tend to be just blind to morality and ethical standards, but Black Mage can very easily see the moral dilemma of a problem, and he may even argue about the validity of it. ... Of course, he only identifies it so he can go in the completely opposite direction.
- He loves evil so much that he fell for a trap that he knew was a trap just because the sign said the pie he'd be receiving would be evil.
- How proud is BM of his own villainy? When given the chance to convince White Mage that he was really a nice guy worth dating who was just misunderstood all along, Black Mage told her his evil selfish reasons for feeling the way he did. Thus ruining any chances, he might have had with her, not that he's aware of that or anything.
- Casanova Wannabe: Every time he talks to White Mage, he is either this or Dirty Old Man (minus the 'old' part, as he only went through puberty a year or so before the events of the comic).
- Charm Person: Hypnovision.
- The Chew Toy: And, frankly, he deserves it.
- Chronic Backstabbing Disorder: Not only does he betray the rest of the team when given a chance, but he also frequently stabs them in the back (or head) literally - especially Fighter.
- Cosmic Plaything: The universe just loves gnawing on him.
- Deadpan Snarker: Occurs mostly when he is around Red Mage and Fighter for any period of time. And when he's not holding the Idiot Ball.
- Even Evil Has Standards:
- Evil Is Petty: In addition to being an Omnicidal Maniac, he is also the biggest Jerkass in the comic (with the possible exception of Sarda).
- The Faceless: And for a good reason.
- Fake Ultimate Hero: All of the Light Warriors qualify, but Black Mage really takes the cake, stabs the cake, urinates on whatever's left, poisons it, gives it to an orphanage, and then Hadokens said orphanage for good measure. A full list of his atrocities would probably double the size of this page. At least.
- For the Evulz: The reason for nearly everything he does in the series.
- Freudian Excuse: Subverted. Technically he has one, in that the excessive amount of power that exists in his soul has driven him insane (confirmed in-universe)... but he realises this at one point, ignores it, and continues to go on to do so many evil things that there is literally no justification for what he's done.
- Genre Savvy: Very much so. Unfortunately for him, he's not Genre Savvy enough when it comes to Sarda.
- Glass Cannon: He describes himself as one.
- Glowing Eyes of Doom: To the point where they can give him away in the dark.
- Hair-Trigger Temper:
- Hidden Depths: He has moments like these when the audience realizes he has a vast swamp of rather uncomfortable emotional turmoil. And he has moments like these which could count as a Crowning Moment of Heartwarming. However, they often come on the heels of moments like these which clearly favor him for the post of anthropomorphic personification of all Evil. He's still a Jerk With A Heart Of Jerk...Maybe.
- Hijacking Cthulhu: Black Mage absorbs FIVE Cthulhus. One of whom was himself.
- Heroes Want Redheads: His lust for White Mage.
- Humanoid Abomination: There's something... wrong with whatever is under his hood. Sarda claims it is "the dread lattice of Black Magic."
- Ignored Epiphany: Black Mage starts to wonder if White Mage is right and that perhaps maybe being good might give him purpose in life, only to get distracted and kill Fighter instead.
- I Love the Dead: Once expressed willingness to have sex with White Mage's dead body, considering it only slightly less ideal than having sex with her while alive. He did have sex with the corpse of his own doppleganger.
- Imperial Stormtrooper Marksmanship Academy:
- Iron Buttmonkey: Probably takes more abuse than anyone else in the comic, but never suffers any permanent damage.
- It's All About Me: After Sarda revives Fighter and Thief, who are justifiably mad that Black Mage just tried killing them, he doesn't choose the best method to try and talk himself out of their revenge.
Black Mage: If you think about it, I'm the victim here.
Black Mage: I didn't get what I wanted.
- Jerkass: Of the Evil Is Petty variety. He'd destroy the world if given half a chance, but he'll also stab his allies in the head for irritating him or burn down an orphanage just because it's there.
- Karma Houdini: Played with. See Butt Monkey and Cosmic Plaything. There's the possibility that there isn't enough punishment in the universe to fit his crimes.
- Knife Nut: Due to refusing to use any spell but his Hadoken, which he can only use once per day.
- Laughably Evil: As horrible as he is, he's a prime source of Black Comedy.
- Like a Badass out of Hell:
- He managed to briefly take over Hell after being killed by Lich, then came back to the land of the living to kill Lich. This eventually backfired on him, as Lich in turn took over Hell in his absence and then brought Black Mage back to life... thus demoting him from the position of the all-powerful Hell King back to that of the universe's favourite Chew Toy.
- That said, after Lich manages to bar Black Mage from Hell by getting him stuck on the corporeal plane, a lot of very powerful Eldritch Abominations make sure to keep him out of hell (such that whenever he dies, a God of Evil sends him right back to the overworld). If Black Mage ever gets back there, which he is still conspiring to do, the universe wouldn't be around for much longer (or it would, but it wouldn't be a nice place to exist). Let's just say this: there is a reason why all the legions of Hell were terrified of him.
- Love Makes You Dumb: On a good day, he's smarter than Thief. Introduce anger or a proximity to White Mage, and his IQ and sanity will plummet so fast you'll swear you just witnessed it exceeding the speed of light.
- Made of Evil: He is the closest thing to the Anthropomorphic Personification of Evil. If he ever gets back down to Hell again, he will fit the bill of God of Evil.
- Magic Knight: When the plot doesn't require him to be a Squishy Wizard, he can be quite competent in physical combat - to the point where it's hard to tell whether he killed more people with his Hadoken or with his knives. He even managed to kill a sea monster and at least one, possibly two groups of cultists with nothing but knives.
- Major Injury Underreaction: "I appear to have come aflame."
- Meta Guy: his cynicism to Fighter's Cloud Cuckoo Lander observations lean on the fourth wall.
- Monster Clown: His Blue Mage suit gives him this look.
- Murder Is the Best Solution:
- Not So Harmless: Usually Black Mage is most threatening to his own person, with his teammates coming in at a distant second. But in the blessedly rare occurrence that his insanity, laziness, atrocious luck, and even worse aim don't take him out of a fight early, he steamrolls over nearly everything in front of him short of gods or Fiends.
- Odd Couple: And no, not in that way (okay, mostly not that way...) with Fighter. No matter how many times he attempts to or successfully kills Fighter, they're still together, even three years after Chaos is defeated... probably so he can still make Fighter suffer, but it never works out that way.
- Omnicidal Maniac: He's not very discriminant with who he murders. Or brutally maims. He has a list of all the people he wants to kill, with only two entries. Those entries are "Everyone I know" and "Everyone I don't know".
- The only person he doesn't want to kill is White Mage. Though if she did die (like say, from drinking "wine" that's actually paint thinner), he wouldn't be too upset, since the body would still be warm for a while at least. Ironically, he actually does end up impaling her on one of his evil tendril spike things, though she gets better.
- Only Sane Man: When he's not killing everyone in sight or carrying the Idiot Ball, he frequently finds himself in this role.
- Person of Mass Destruction: His Hadoken is almost literally a nuke.
- Pet the Dog:
- Comic 486 is the only time he ever shows anything remotely resembling compassion, and it's never brought up again.
- After coming back from Hell and killing Lich, he couldn't bring himself to disillusion Fighter who believed he came back from Heaven. This being Black Mage, to say it's a sign of compassion would be saying too much, but still...
- The Pig Pen: Acknowledged by everyone but the man himself. He insists that the smell is from his spell components.
- Ping Pong Naïveté: He can be the smartest of the Light Warriors, barely smarter than Fighter (if not dumber than Fighter) or somewhere in between, depending on what makes for a better joke at the moment. In particular, his intelligence seems to rapidly decrease the closer White Mage is to him.
- The Plan: A Dangerously Genre Savvy one he set up at the Citadel of Ordeals, where he knew he would have to "face his flaws"; as per the typical physical manifestation of fantasy metaphors, he would therefore have to kill off his evil side. Considering that there was no way in hell he was going to get rid of all of his evil, he managed to rig the situation so that after killing his evil side, he would re-inherent all the evil. It's a real pity that he has never attributed so much forethought to plans that could in anyway benefit the world. Not that he'd ever want to benefit the world.
- Played for Laughs: His numerous atrocities.
- Power at a Price: His own power seems to come at the price of his sanity and morality. However, he isn't opposed to using other people's lives or sanity to get access to more power. Remember how he got the Hadoken?
- Power Limiter: Without a weak fleshy body holding him back, he becomes powerful enough to take over Hell.
- The Power of Love: Parodied; his Hadoken is powered by love. And by powered, we mean it uses it as a fuel: every time he casts it the amount of love in the universe decreases, and the divorce rate increases.
- Psycho for Hire: as long as you can point him in the right direction and get out of the disaster zone, you can invade and destroy an entire country single-handedly. As Thief found out with the poor Dwarf nation.
- Redemption Equals Sex: Discussed. He strongly suggests to White Mage that this might work on him but then fears that pillow talk might be involved.
- Robe and Wizard Hat: As per the standard Final Fantasy sprite.
- Sanity Slippage: goes up and down the insane slope like a yo-yo. The way it works is this: if he's (relatively) sane, he will be Genre Savvy, smarter than Thief, and generally the level of violence will be restricted to a comparative minimum (or at the very least will be efficient); if he's gone down the insane slope, his IQ will reduce massively, he will lose all ability to reason, and carnage will ensue. Lots of carnage. With blood.
- Sarcasm Failure: A lot of Black Mage's sarcasm is all but lost (much to to his frustration) 100% of the time on Fighter (who either cannot understand it or is Obfuscating Stupidity to infuriate Black Mage), and 75% of the time on Red Mage (who has a habit of Completely Missing the Point).
- Terrible Artist: It seems that he can't draw very well.
- Token Evil Teammate: While the other Light Warriors aren't angels themselves, Black Mage is actively trying to be as evil as possible, and is quite proud of it, too. He's also the only that will freely admit to being evil.
- Trademark Favorite Food: Pie.
- Unsympathetic Comedy Protagonist: While already listed as a trait for the entire group, Black Mage gets a special mention for being one of the least sympathetic characters ever conceived, and suffering the most for it.
- Villain Protagonist: More than any of the others. He's only an adventurer because of the opportunities for destruction it offers.
- Vitriolic Best Buds: With Fighter. Or, rather, Fighter is this with him. Black Mage wants nothing to do with Fighter.
- Walking Wasteland: The evil "mindless destruction is fun" kind. Sometimes it'll be limited to just stabbing someone repeatedly until they die. Sometimes he's a Walking Disaster Area and bad things just continuously happen in his vicinity (usually to him). Sometimes, he'll just Hadoken something that annoys him a lot. In any case, his violence is usually indiscriminate and completely arbitrary (much like some kind of natural disaster... a sadistic natural disaster). However, if Thief decides he wants to target something, he'll use Black Mage to horrifyingly direct ends. Remember the Dwarf nation? Nuff said.
- What Could Possibly Go Wrong?: Frequently asks this with a lot of sarcasm that neither Red Mage nor Fighter seem to hear. This often is coupled with Fighter's use of the phrase, which he uses in (seemingly) complete innocence, and together makes for some very Meta leaning on the fourth wall.
- What Is Evil?:
- Discussed via internal monologue here. Unfortunately, anger at the stupidity of Fighter tends to have an amnesiac/obliterating/stupefying effect.
- Also parodied. "Is killing a man really murder?"
- Witch Species: He's an Inherent Gift Magician whose face is a bastardization of non-euclidian geometry so mind destroying that even seeing it drives you insane. This trope might fit, but then again...
- With Great Power Comes Great Insanity: He's a nexus for the ley lines in reality and has the lowest sanity tolerance ever. Being born like this, his incredible power has warped his sanity considerably over the years, making morality seem increasingly irrelevant to him. Having an insane Ax-Crazy maniac running around with the forces of creation at his finger tips was probably not the best idea ever.
- The Worf Effect: Lampshaded by Red Mage.
I like... what was it again?
The stupidest member of the Light Warriors, as well as the Token Good Teammate
and their frontline warrior. Has moments of clarity which imply a college-level education and the required sanity.
- Achievements in Ignorance:
- Glorious Chainsaw Method actually depended on Fighter being too dumb to realize it's impossible. And it worked.
- Surviving a fall from over a mile in the air. By blocking the ground.
- Anti-Villain: Really only a villain by association. He would probably be a straight-up hero if he wasn't with the other Light Warriors.
- Attention Deficit... Ooh, Shiny!: He even lampshaded this once.
- Author Avatar: suprisingly semi-confirmed by the man himself
- Badass: Played for Laughs. Taken Up to Eleven when he blocks the earth.
- Barrier Warrior: After his class change, he gained the ability to block anything with his swords. That included powered-up Black Mage's evil black energy tendrils and even the Earth itself.
- Berserk Button: Fighter will not tolerate the idea of someone talking about purposely harming Black Mage. Not even if that person is his ally. Which stopped both Red Mage and Thief from their idea. When Black Mage was killed by Lich, Fighter reacted... poorly.
Fighter: Get up, Lich. I'm not through hurting you yet.
Lich: You have no idea the forces at work here, boy. If death himself cannot take me, what makes you think you can?
Fighter: I SAID GET UP!
- Berserker Tears: When Black Mage was killed by Lich, along with Unstoppable Rage.
- Brilliant but Lazy: Only with regards to his swordsmanship, in which he is a prodigy. He doesn't even train to improve upon his already superhuman abilities, he just relies on them as-is.
- Brown Note: Of sorts. Listening to Fighter talk can reduce the intelligence of anyone nearby. Known victims are Red Mage, Black Mage, and possibly Drizz'l. It has the opposite effect on Chaos.
: Oh dear. I think it's finally happened. Years of exposure to Fighter's, shall we say, point of view, has left Black Mage a spluttering vegetable.
- Bumbling Sidekick: At times. Although he occasionally proves to be smarter, deadlier, and more competent than his fellow Light Warriors, and always holds the moral high ground, he mostly serves as the local ditz.
- Catch Phrase: "I like swords!" Also, "I'm a helper!"
- Characterization Marches On: In the early strips, he and Black Mage were a bit closer to Vitriolic Best Buds, with Fighter occasionally snarking back at BM. For example, back then Fighter mocked BM for being beaten up by White Mage and even called him a jerk once. In later strips, Fighter just takes BM's insults and abuse without fighting back and always assumes that they're BFF anyway.
- Childhood Brain Damage: Black Mage asks Fighter whether he was dropped on his head a lot as a child, to which Fighter answers, "Maybe..." This is immediately followed by a flashback to Fighter's childhood, with young Fighter exclaiming how happy he is to have power lines in his back yard and plenty of paint chips to eat.
- Cloud Cuckoo Lander: He lives in different realities most of the time. The brief times he collides with the one everyone else lives in usually combines some combination of Crowning Moment of Awesome, Too Dumb to Fool, and Too Dumb to Live. Also Too Dumb To Die, apparently. In any case among his usual frolicking in Happy Cloud Land Where Black Mage is my friend, he occasionally dips down to reality with piercing insights, usually resulting in...
- The Cloud Cuckoo Lander Was Right: Happens more than once. When he's in the right spatial alignment. Clashes heavily with Dumbass Has a Point and leaves everyone wondering exactly where the line between Obfuscating Stupidity, insanity, and pure idiocy lies. Anyone needing a justification?
: Don't lie
to the poor lady, RM. You know exactly who we are and we don't look innocent at all. All I'd trust those two jokers with is a stab in the back
and then the throat
. And you wear a mask.
I look okay and seem honest, but as far as she knows, it's an elaborate act. A ruse that works so well
my own friends could never suspect - never consider
- the evil I inflict upon innocents wheresoever we go. Red Mage
: He's just kidding of... of course...
- Crouching Moron, Hidden Badass: Yes, he's the stupidest member of the team. He's also the most effective and dangerous. Red Mage and Thief are both completely aware of this fact and the mere possibility of having to actually fight him utterly terrifies both of them.
- Vitriolic Best Buds: With Black Mage. Though Black Mage disagrees.
- Wide-Eyed Idealist: He's trying to help the world. He's an imbecile, a walking disaster area, and has terrible taste in "heroic" companions, but... "I'm a helper!"
- Warrior Poet: Likes haiku.
- What Could Possibly Go Wrong?: Will say this with utter conviction and (probably) lack of any kind of sarcasm. This is usually followed by Black Mage a) stabbing him, b) being so consumed by Angrish that he is immobilized, or c) using heavy sarcasm that Fighter obviously ignores.
Red Mage Statscowski
Red Mage: Most plans are critically flawed by their own logic. A failure at any step will ruin everything after it. That's just basic cause and effect. It's easy for a good plan to fall apart. Therefore, a plan that has no attachment to logic cannot be stopped. The success or failure of any given step will have no impact on the macro level.
Black Mage: That's so stupid I can't even see straight any more.
Red Mage: Now imagine what'll happen when physics tries to figure it out!
The munchkin and "Smart Guy
" of the group. He believes the world works by various game rules (especially RPG's). Whether he is right or not depends largely on whether or not it would be funny
- A God Am I: Learned almost "every move in the game" from the Datasphere and planned to dethrone the gods.
- Ambidextrous Sprite: The feather on his hat(s).
- Achievements in Ignorance: Every time Red Mage has a plan that works even partially, it's only because reality was unable to keep up with his particular combination of stupidity and Insane Troll Logic.
- An Ice Person: Although he spent a large time trying to keep his spell use "neutral," he eventually started specializing in ice spells, including one that could destroy an entire universe.
- Bestiality Is Depraved: He has to explain to a disturbed Black Mage that when he's talking about chocobo sex, he's not talking about sex with chocobos, that when he's talking about breeding the chocobos, he's not talking about breeding with the chocobos, and that when he's taking the matter of breeding into his own hands, he's not literally grabbing the chocobos by their genitals.
- Character Alignment: Parodied, as he claims to be "Lawful Amazing."
- Crazy Enough to Work: Sometimes his plans are so completely insane they actually work. Most of them, however, are just crazy enough to fail hilariously.
- Insane Troll Logic: Each an every one of his plans operates on this. His explanation is that a plan that has no attachment to logic cannot fail due to flaws in its own logic, and is therefore cannot be stopped.
- Last of His Kind: The rest of the Red Mages stupided themselves into extinction. Of course, given the existence of Barry in the True Light Warriors, Red Mage's status as a Min Maxer, his obvious delusions, and the fact that in the next comic, he mentions "Lies disguised as secrets also equals depth", how much of what he says is true is left up for debate.
- A Lighter Shade of Black: Substantially less evil than Black Mage and Thief.
- Mad Scientist: with D&D magic and Looney Tunes physics standing in for science and reason.
- Min-Maxing: His obsession.
- Munchkin: He's the god of this trope. No, really.
- Nice Hat: Apparently his hat is so nice it boosts his stats.
- The Red Mage: And a Master of None.
- The Smart Guy: Well, he thinks he is, anyway.
- Strange Minds Think Alike: Has several with Garland and a few others.
- The Strategist: Although most of his plans are somewhat hindered by such minor things as: The Laws Of Physics, Common Sense, Black Mage, Basic Logic, their own brain-breaking insanity, the incompetence of his cohorts, his own incompetence, Black Mage, a lack of proper equipment, a lack of regard for any kind of rationality, Fighter's stupidity, his own stupidity, being needlessly overcomplicated to the point of madness, Black Mage, his tenous grasp on reality, King Steve...that being said, he still pulls off a good one every now and then. See Crazy Enough to Work.
- Small Name, Big Ego: Seems to genuinely believe that he's a 'fractactical genius', and loves to brag about it.
- That Came Out Wrong: He does this so frequently it seems like it might actually be on purpose.
- Why Couldn't You Be Different?: He claims that his father hated him because he wanted to have a daughter rather than son. This resulted in Red Mage's cross-dressing tendencies. (But see Fake Memories above.)
- Wrong Genre Savvy:
Black Mage: [seeing Thief with an enormous bag of loot] Didn't the pirates take everything already?
Thief: They left everything that was nailed down. I did not.
The Miser Advisor
of the Light Warriors, who constantly scams the rest of the team out of any rewards they might have earned. He also became The Leader
due to similar wrangling.
- Bad Boss / Mean Boss: Let his law-ninja die of starvation because he was too much of a miser to buy food for them. He's also this for the rest of the Light Warriors, as he constantly steals from them, tricks them into signing manipulative contracts, makes them do countless humiliating and/or life-threatening things for him, and physically abuses them.
- Because I'm Good at It: Why he continues to commit mass-larceny and untold numbers of crimes, even after he has no logical need to do so.
- Chronic Backstabbing Disorder: He's an Elf, so this basically comes with the territory. He can and has abandoned the others to some horrible fate or other at the first opportunity.
- Even Evil Has Standards: Both he and Red Mage were disgusted by Black Mage's plan to make White Mage drink what was most likely a paint thinner and then rape her (alive or dead).
- Evil Genius: Truly deserving of his status as Magnificent Bastard, he can manipulate and swindle anyone into doing anything. For one thing, he manages to keep Black Mage on a leash (because if he doesn't, Black Mage becomes an uncontrollable Eldritch Abomination that even terrifies the demons from Hell), and he screwed with Red Mage's head to turn him into a cross-dresser. He helps keep Fighter placated (though admittedly this isn't that hard to do), who could potentially destroy both him and Red Mage in a straight-up fight. For the Evulz of course.
- Hoist by His Own Petard: Matoya and Raven use his legal trickery to their advantages, but they end up flogging themselves.
- Impossible Thief: Among other things, he can steal secrets, souls, resolve, childhood memories, and most famously, his ninja class abilities from the future. One of the only things he apparently can't steal are things that are both nailed down and on fire.
- Suspiciously Specific Denial: Via a Freudian Slip "Do you have any idea why every impoverished clump of hovels you people call towns are so impoverished, clumped, filthy, and hoveled?... Neither do they! So let's move before they catch on to me... Er...It. Because it's certainly not me." Lampshaded by Black Mage: "Saying that only makes me suspect you more."
- Villain Protagonist: His long-term plan is to own everything that exists, and also own everything that doesn't exist. And since he could never afford to buy all that stuff, he's using other means (note his name).
Warriors of Darkness
Group as a Whole
Garland: We have failed to enact any significant revenge against the hated Light Warriors.
Vilbert: Point of order: Nuh-uh!
Bikke: Yar. Ye slam o' poetry be as significant as a pee in the ocean.
Drizz'l: It's what we're all thinking.
The theoretical antagonists of the comic, they are even less competent than the Light Warriors, and significantly less evil. They spend most of their time involved in "evil" bake sales.
- Fake Ultimate Hero: In the penultimate strip White Mage makes everyone believe that the Dark Warriors were the ones who defeated Chaos and saved the world.
- Forgot I Couldn't Swim: Naturally, their first Evil Plan as a full team involved the ocean.
The first Big Bad
of the comic...in theory. In practice, he's such a Harmless Villain
that the princess he kidnapped takes over his operation in order to inject some competence. Becomes the leader of the Dark Warriors when the group is formed.
I have got to find new, non-sucky, friends.
The prince of the dark elves, he eventually becomes the Only Sane Man
of the Dark Warriors.
- The Beastmaster: Tends to rely on monsters (the giant spiders, camel spider, platypus, random encounters in the Temple, and the Fiends). Likely a Ranger/Fighter, being a Drizzt ripoff.
- Chronic Backstabbing Disorder: Becomes prevalent in his interactions with Thief and the other Dark Warriors towards the end. Needless to say, his elven royalty shows.
Be this 600 or pineapple?
A fearsome pirate of the seven seas who knows nothing about piracy or seas—or anything else, for that matter.
- Ambidextrous Sprite: Though it's entirely probable that he has two perfectly healthy eyes and intentionally moves his eyepatch when he turns.
- Bad Boss: Killed his crew by feeding them Cheetos when they were suffering scurvy rather than oranges. Not out of stupidity, but so he wouldn't have to share the booty.
Vilbert von Vampire
My dark soul burns with fiery agreement. Or possibly tacos.
A LARP-er roleplaying as a vampire...who is also a vampire for real. Also Lich's son.
- Goth: Played for Laughs.
- Has Two Mommies: Possibly. At one point Lich says he "use[s] creepy undead mind-control on [Vilbert's] mothers". The use of the plural here never gets explained, or referred to again.
- Our Vampires Are Different: He is more of an Emo Teen than an actual threat. Tellingly, he never has an actual "fight". He just gets whacked repeatedly, with his father taking the spot of his fight instead.
- The Roleplayer: LARP, in contrast to Red Mage's stats-based gaming.
- Rule of Cool: He explicitly states that despite being a vampire, sunlight doesn't harm him simply because his death should "be more interesting than that."
- Speech Bubbles: Black text and outlines with a red gradient background.
- Take That: To both Goths and Emo kids.
Vilbert: I'm a goth, you see, I thrive in the attention of others, though they be the same people whom I mercilessly mock for not understanding me.
- Wrong Genre Savvy: Thinks he's in a LARP.
The Other Warriors
Group as a Whole
Red Mage: But the Other Warriors were on the same quest.
Thief: It's because they aren't smart! You were able to fool them. You.
Another group of warriors out to save the world, they have a mildly antagonistic relationship with the Light Warriors.
- Canon Foreigner: There's nothing resembling them or their roles in Final Fantasy I.
- Dropped a Bridge on Him: All are killed off unceremoniously by Sarda.
- Hero of Another Story: Their story being an attempt to, completely unsuccessfully, bring the Light Warriors to justice, while helping others along the way.
- His Name Really Is Barkeep: Much like the Light Warriors, their class names are their actual names.
- Idiot Hero: Thief brings up the point that Red Mage was able to trick them. Later, a distinctly human Warmech was able to convince them that he is human, despite being a Walking Tank with a mustache.
- Nice Guy: They all, unlike the Light Warriors, seem like genuine heroes, with altruistic goals. Well, except maybe Rogue.
A forest guide and Chick Magnet
who may or may not have a habit of leading hapless travelers to their deaths.
- Chick Magnet: White Mage swoons at the mere sight of him.
- Department of Redundancy Department: His full name is Generic Dual-Class Half-Elven Ranger. His other class is also Ranger.
- Dual Wielding: Taken Up to Eleven. Unfortunately, he chose to take it Up to Eleven against Sarda, which still left him about Eleventy Zillion short.
- Heinz Hybrid: He's apparently 50% elf, 25% human and 12.5% orc. The remaining 12.5% is unknown, but presumably also human. Bizarrely, in his introduction, he claims to be half-elven and half-human. Later he says he's a half-elven ranger who is a quarter Lefeinish (human) and a quarter half-orc. This puts him anywhere from 112.5% to 125%, depending on what the other half of the half-orc is.
Just because I fly into a blind, homocidal rage at the tip of a helm doesn't mean I'm incapable of appreciating the finer things in life.
A dapper and polite gentlemanly dwarf who also flies into frothing rage in combat.
- The Berserker: But only when he loses his monocle.
- Berserk Button: Taking off his monocle, but since it works when he takes it off himself, his berserk button can be whatever he wants it to be.
Well look at that, another beautiful miracle. If it weren't for my atheism, I'd be impressed by it.
The atheist cleric of the Other Warriors, who gets spells from all the gods at once, since they know he doesn't play favorites.
I know a guy.
A less competent version of Thief.
Group as a Whole
The guardians of the Orbs of Light, and the primary antagonists of the comic.
Death is the natural state of all being. Life is the aberration. It is fleeting, and full of pain. Come, embrace the eternity in nothing!
A several hundred thousand year old archmage who achieved immortality in undeath and guards the Earth Orb. Also Vilbert's father.
- Badass Boast: Loves to do this even more than the other villains.
- Charm Person: Uses "creepy undead mind control" to prevent his wives from cheating on him. Try not to focus too much on the creepy...
- Physical God: Becomes the ruler of Hell after Hell King Black Mage kills him.
- Soul Jar: Used the Earth Orb for this purpose.
Look, I haven't killed anything in about three minutes, so my patience is nil at this point.
The Elemental Embodiment of Fire, guardian of the Orb of Fire, and one of the most kill-happy creatures on the planet.
- Stupid Evil + Bad Boss: Slaughters her own minions for little or no reason just to prove she's evil and because she likes killing things.
- Worthy Opponent: Calls Fighter one, anyway.
Anyway, you guys ordered an apocalypse if I'm right.
An Eldritch Abomination
beyond space and time, who acts as a freelance agent of apocalypse. Also the guardian of the Water Orb.
- Affably Evil: Handles ending worlds in a friendly, business-like manner.
Dragoon: Muffin is a dragon. It all makes sense now. Like, when I'd say 'Polly want a cracker?" she'd say "No, Muffin want to rip a knight in half and suck out the pulp.
Thief: That kind of thing happen often?
Dragoon: Around here it does.
Supposedly the last dragon, and one of near godlike power. She played the part of Dragoon's pet parakeet, both to avoid suspicion and because she thought it was funny. Also acts as the guardian of the Air Orb.
- Fluffy the Terrible: Though Dragoon suspects it wasn't her real name.
- Hoist by His Own Petard: Creating an order of knights designed solely to slay dragons really comes back to bite her.
- Last of His Kind: Almost. Red Mage points out that they've met dragons other than her, and she grudgingly acknowledges that she didn't quite manage to kill all of the others.
- Superior Species: Sure thinks she is. Manages to out-do even elves in terms of racial arrogance.
- We Can Rule Together: Briefly allies with Black Mage before tricking him into getting off of her while flying in the middle of the sky.
*sigh* Stupid white mage's oath.
The begrudging ally of the Light Warriors, dedicated to pushing them onto the path of destiny whether they like it or not.
- Already Done for You: Kills Chaos while the Light Warriors were stalling for time to think of a way out of it.
The most powerful mage in existence, he is older than the universe itself. In theory, he's supposed to guide the Light Warriors to their destiny. In practice, he just uses his omnipotence to screw with them.
- Big Bad:
- He's technically the main enemy of the Light Warriors.
- Unless you count the Light Warriors themselves, as he is responsible for setting everything in motion. Besides, he's nearly as nasty as Black Mage, regularly abusing his power, screwing with Ranger for no reason and with the entire town of Onrac just to get revenge on White Mage. He even inadvertently killed Onion Kid's - AKA his own - adoptive parents when he was doing it. All because he can.
- You could say he takes the place of Garland, the Big Bad from the source material, being a character scarred by the Light Warriors in the beginning, involved in a time-loop plot, planning on the Light Warriors to complete their quest, and becoming the vessel for Chaos. They're even both fought in the Temple of Fiends.
- Comes Great Responsibility: But absolute power, rocks absolutely.
- Dangerously Genre Savvy: Smart enough to know that when crafting spells, make sure they can't be used against you. When Black Mage learns blue magic, he mimics two spells from Sarda: a spell to make someone puke out his own insides, and a spell to re-write reality according to his whim. When Black Mage tries to use them against Sarda, he finds out the spells were: "Make Black Mage puke out his insides" and "Re-write reality according to Sarda's whim."
- Death by Irony: A combination of Hoist by His Own Petard and poetically dying the way he grew up—accidentally harmed by Black Mage's evil.
- Demonic Possession: By Chaos.
- Hypocrite: He can make a case for Black Mage, but he can't really claim the moral high ground over Thief and Red Mage. He doesn't even attempt to claim it over Fighter.
- Idiot Ball: Just once, though at the worst possible moment. Quoth the Evil Overlord List: No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
- Jerkass: Has no problem with brutally murdering anyone who annoys him enough, and takes great pleasure in screwing with the Light Warriors (which, granted, they deserve but still.)
- Living Bodysuit: For Chaos.
- Mind Screw: Does this to the Light Warriors, Other Warriors, and Dark Warriors in various ways.
- Reality Warper: His command of magic is so powerful, that after so many years of study, he became this,
Black Belt: You try walking a straight line without bumping into wave functions of neighboring realities.
Black Mage: We do it all the time. It's called NOT BEING SO STUPID THAT IT WARPS THE UNIVERSE!
White Mage's companion, and stupider even than fighter.
All those poor, poor fools not living in towers or being able to leap into the stratosphere. It's like they wanted to drown.
The last of the dragoons, an order dedicated to slaying dragons. Also lives with Muffin, the last dragon, who he believes is a parakeet.
- Put on a Bus: But comes Back for the Finale and, unlike the countless cameos within said finale, he's actually the sixth most prominent character in it.
- Running Gag: Invariably lands on Black Mage when jumping.
- What an Idiot: In-universe, the other characters call him out on the stupidity of believing that Muffin was a parrot all his life.
King Steve: Did I ever tell you about the time I built this castle all by hand?
Princess Sara: It's 400 years old, dad.
King Steve: Yes, yes. I designed it that way, you know.
The very, very, very
stupid king of Corneria.
- Worthy Opponent: Thief considers him to be the world's foremost criminal mind.
The far more competent daughter of King Steve, her kidnapping by Garland starts off the plot.
- Demoted to Extra: A big part of the Dark Warrior and King Steve sub-plots earlier on, but Drizz'l and Left-Hand Man Gary essentially take her place.
''I am the yawning chasm from before the before; the darkness after the end of all things. I am nothing and no thing is eternal."
The Big Bad
of the series, an omnicidal God of Evil
dedicated to nothing but chaos and destruction...and actually a rather pleasant guy, all around.
- The Unfought: Well, unfought by the Light Warriors, at least.
A powerful, blind witch who sends the Light Warriors on a quest for a rat tail. Dating the god of dragons.
- Baleful Polymorph: Turns people who annoy her into frogs.
- Crystal Ball: She's introduced to the story because she lost it. So she did the logical thing: waited in a monster-haunted cave in some very remote location to entrust its recovery to the first group of people too stupid to avoid a monster-haunted cave in some very remote location.
- Hot Skitty-on-Wailord Action: She's dating Bahamut, god-king of dragons. The anatomical challenges are not explained. Though she tries. In detail.
- Interspecies Romance: As noted above, she's dating Bahamut, a dragon.
Thief: You're not going to have to incest at us first, are you?
Cultist 1: No, we don't do that!
Cultist 2: Any more!
Mrr'grt: As much!
A cult of Cthulhumanoids
trying to summon an elder god to destroy the world.
- Big Bad Wannabe: Actually got close to ending reality in both of their appearances, but they still pale in comparison to the Fiends, Sarda, and the Light Warriors.
- Filler Villain: In their first appearance, since the entire arc has 0 impact on the story.
- Nietzsche Wannabe: Naturally, being a parody of Lovecraft's works.
The chancellor of the elf kingdom, who looks after Elfland while the king is indisposed and the prince is away.
BEHOLD MY HUMAN LASER!
A robot survivor of an extinct civilization.
- Bus Crash: Kills himself off-screen.
- Cloudcuckoolander: Spent long, lonely years trying to develop a version of tennis that could be played by one person. One robot person. Who has no arms.
A merchant who continuously sells the Light Warriors a variety of useless and broken objects he claims will help them in their quest.
A turbaned merchant who openly sells dangerously shoddy products and services.
One of Vilbert's friends.
The Real Light Warriors
The people actually
destined to save the world from Chaos, they got to the recruiting station a bit too late.
- Butt Monkey: Whenever we see these guys, they're usually getting screwed over.
- The Chew Toy: When you consider how they were supposed to be the heroes, their suffering is very disenheartening.
- Cosmic Plaything: Even when the Light Warriors aren't screwing them, things rarely work out for these guys.
- Evil Counterpart: Inverted; since the Light Warriors are the very definition of Villain Protagonists, they are very heroic. To drive the point home, while the RLWs use character sprites of Fighter, Thief, and Red Mage's upgraded classes from the first Final Fantasy game (Knight, Ninja, Red Wizard, respectively) Black Mage's is a White Wizard.
- Missed the Call: They were supposed to be the ones to become chosen by fate, but because they were out level grinding, the main characters got the job.
- No Name Given: The only member of the group whose name was revealed is the Red Wizard named Barry.
- Think Nothing of It: When they do pull off some heroics, they are very humble about it.