Characters / 8-Bit Theater

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Warriors of Light

    Group as a Whole 
Garland: And what kind of tactics do you tend to employ?
Fighter: Oh, we usually murder our way to the top and claim victory whilst astride a pile of mangled bodies.
Garland: I see...
Fighter: But we're heroes so it's okay when we do that.

The "heroes" of the story, by virtue of the fact that they showed up to the recruiting station at the right time. Vary between stupid and evil (except for Fighter, who's always stupid), and usually solve their problems through sheer luck and/or excessive use of violence.

  • Amusing Injuries: All get hurt in various imaginative ways, rarely do the injuries last more than a panel.
  • And the Adventure Continues: For Black Mage and Fighter at least. The others had better things to do with their time than hang out with Black Mage. Or Fighter. Especially Fighter... but especially Black Mage.
  • Badass Crew: Fighter and Thief get to do badass things on a regular basis, but Black Mage and Red Mage have defeated multiple demigods.
  • Butt Monkey: Black Mage generally has it the worst, but all of the Light Warriors get their share of abuse at various points.
  • Comic Trio: Red Mage is makes crazy schemes, while Thief and/or Black Mage complain about his nonsense and Fighter just follows whatever plan is given to him.
  • Destructive Saviour: Initially. Later they drop the "saviours" part.
  • Four-Man Band: Thief is the Only Sane Man, Red Mage thinks he is The Smart Guy, Black Mage is The Pervert (mostly Blood Lust, except when White Mage is involved) and Fighter is the Butt Monkey (particularly as everyone takes advantage of him being dumb enough to comply).
  • Heroic Comedic Sociopath: All of them except Fighter. For a certain value of heroic, of course.
  • His Name Really is "Barkeep": "Black Mage", "Fighter" and "Red Mage" are in fact their actual names.
  • Light Is Not Good: Their official title is the "Light Warriors," but they are far from the noble saviors the name implies.
  • Meaningful Name: McWarrior, Evilwizardington, Statscowski. The only exception is Thief, whose last name is the name of his clan, i.e. Khee'bler. Though Thief's fake surname (since Thief isn't his real first name) might be Bastard.
  • Nominal Hero: In-universe they are only considered heroes because King Steve appointed them to be the Light Warriors, and he only did so because they showed up first and tricked him into choosing them. Neither King Steve who appointed them nor Thief who became their leader cared much about the fate of the world they were supposed to save, as Thief explains in episode 336. As the story progresses it becomes increasingly obvious that the Light Warriors are the Villain Protagonists of the story.
  • No Sell: Fighter's more or less immune to all damage besides brain trauma (and doesn't have much brain left to traumatize), Thief can dodge (and then sue) nearly anything, and Red Mage often gets out of horrific injury by "forgetting" to record the damage on his character sheet. The only Light Warrior who doesn't have an easy out is Black Mage, to the universe's unceasing delight.
  • Prestige Class: They all eventually get one of these. Black Mage becomes a Blue Mage, Red Mage becomes a Mimic, Fighter becomes a Knight, and Thief becomes a Ninja.
  • Ragtag Bunch of Misfits: And they never really grow out of it. They're at least as destructive to each other as to their enemies.
  • Seen It All: By the end of the comic, except for Fighter. Well, technically he'd seen it all too, but was too busy thinking about swords to really pay attention.
  • Static Character:
  • Teeth-Clenched Teamwork: And that's on the very rare occasions when they do work together at all. Most of the time they are closer to Divided We Fall.
  • True Companions: They're somewhere between a straight example and an inversion. Despite all the obstacles they face together, they all (with the exception of Fighter) absolutely hate each other. At the same time, they will grudgingly cooperate when they have to.
  • Unsympathetic Comedy Protagonist: With the possible exception of Fighter, the Light Warriors are completely unsympathetic, which is what allows their constant infighting and failures to be so damn funny.
  • Villain Protagonist: Early on in the story Black Mage kills a large number of old people in a nursing home, in the belief that one of them had conned Fighter out of his money. Things go downhill from there. When they do good it is purely by accident.

    Black Mage Evilwizardington 

"If there was a way to get magic for free, do you really think I'd have spent so much time sacrificing children to my dark gods? For spells, I mean. Obviously there'd still be sacrifices. A hobby's a hobby."

The most evil and depraved member of the Light Warriors. Also their dedicated Only Sane Man, blaster, and Butt Monkey.

    Fighter McWarrior 

"I like... what was it again?"

The stupidest member of the Light Warriors, as well as the Token Good Teammate and their frontline warrior. Has moments of clarity which imply a college-level education and the required sanity.

  • Wide-Eyed Idealist: He's trying to help the world. He's an imbecile, a walking disaster area, and has terrible taste in "heroic" companions, but... "I'm a helper!"

    Red Mage Statscowski 

Red Mage: Most plans are critically flawed by their own logic. A failure at any step will ruin everything after it. That's just basic cause and effect. It's easy for a good plan to fall apart. Therefore, a plan that has no attachment to logic cannot be stopped. The success or failure of any given step will have no impact on the macro level.
Black Mage: That's so stupid I can't even see straight any more.
Red Mage: Now imagine what'll happen when physics tries to figure it out!

The munchkin and "Smart Guy" of the group. He believes the world works by various game rules (especially RPG's). Whether he is right or not depends largely on whether or not it would be funny.

  • Ambidextrous Sprite: The feather on his hat(s).
  • Bestiality Is Depraved: He has to explain to a disturbed Black Mage that when he's talking about chocobo sex, he's not talking about sex with chocobos, that when he's talking about breeding the chocobos, he's not talking about breeding with the chocobos, and that when he's taking the matter of breeding into his own hands, he's not literally grabbing the chocobos by their genitals.
  • Character Alignment: Parodied, as he claims to be "Lawful Amazing."
  • Cloudcuckoolander: Due to his tenuous grasp of reality.
  • Complexity Addiction: His plans always have to be multilayered, while his companions prefer the immediate (and usually violent) solution.
  • Crazy Enough to Work: Sometimes his plans are so completely insane they actually work. Most of them, however, are just crazy enough to fail hilariously.
  • Crossdresser: He really likes to wear a dress. Even has a drag name, Deborah.


Black Mage: [seeing Thief with an enormous bag of loot] Didn't the pirates take everything already?
Thief: They left everything that was nailed down. I did not.

The Miser Advisor of the Light Warriors, who constantly scams the rest of the team out of any rewards they might have earned. He also became The Leader due to similar wrangling.

Warriors of Darkness

    Group as a Whole 

Garland: We have failed to enact any significant revenge against the hated Light Warriors.
Vilbert: Point of order: Nuh-uh!
Bikke: Yar. Ye slam o' poetry be as significant as a pee in the ocean.
Drizz'l: It's what we're all thinking.

The theoretical antagonists of the comic, they are even less competent than the Light Warriors, and significantly less evil. They spend most of their time involved in "evil" bake sales.

  • Fake Ultimate Hero: In the penultimate strip White Mage makes everyone believe that the Dark Warriors were the ones who defeated Chaos and saved the world.
  • Forgot I Couldn't Swim: Naturally, their first Evil Plan as a full team involved the ocean.


Garland: You will pay for your insolence, princess. For when I summon the dark lord Chaos to do my bidding, my very first uh... bid will be to hurrrrrt you. Hurrrrt you!
Princess Sara: What're you gonna have him do? Poke me in the ribs?
Garland: Oh heavens no. I'm nefarious, not cruel.

The first Big Bad of the theory. In practice, he's such a Harmless Villain that the princess he kidnapped takes over his operation in order to inject some competence. Becomes the leader of the Dark Warriors when the group is formed.

  • Affably Evil: Particularly in regards to cooking, whether it's for his friends, enemies or victims.


"I have got to find new, non-sucky, friends."

The prince of the dark elves, he eventually becomes the Only Sane Man of the Dark Warriors.

  • The Beastmaster: Tends to rely on monsters (the giant spiders, camel spider, platypus, random encounters in the Temple, and the Fiends). Likely a Ranger/Fighter, being a Drizzt ripoff.
  • Canon Foreigner: He isn't based on any preexisting character from the original game.
  • Chronic Backstabbing Disorder: Becomes prevalent in his interactions with Thief and the other Dark Warriors towards the end. Needless to say, his elven royalty shows.
  • Death of a Thousand Cuts: Almost on the receiving end of this. Turns out that summoning the "true guardians" of something takes longer than a fatal mob stabbing.
  • Giant Spider: His minions prior to becoming a Dark Warrior.
  • Harmless Villain: He may say he is the smartest and the baddest on his team, the point is since Fighter took a way his swords he is effectively harmless. Even Garland knocks him down a peg by lampshading it.
  • Heel–Face Revolving Door: Joins the Light Warriors, wants to return to the Dark Warriors but teams up with Thief to backstab everyone, but is then forced to rejoin the Dark Warriors.


"Be this 600 or pineapple?"

A fearsome pirate of the seven seas who knows nothing about piracy or seas—or anything else, for that matter.

    Vilbert von Vampire 

"My dark soul burns with fiery agreement. Or possibly tacos."

A LARP-er roleplaying as a vampire...who is also a vampire for real. Also Lich's son.

The Other Warriors

    Group as a Whole 

Red Mage: But the Other Warriors were on the same quest.
Thief: It's because they aren't smart! You were able to fool them. You.

Another group of warriors out to save the world, they have a mildly antagonistic relationship with the Light Warriors.


A forest guide and Chick Magnet who may or may not have a habit of leading hapless travelers to their deaths.

  • Chick Magnet: White Mage swoons at the mere sight of him.
  • Department of Redundancy Department: His full name is Generic Dual-Class Half-Elven Ranger. His other class is also Ranger.
  • Dual Wielding: Taken Up to Eleven. Unfortunately, he chose to take it Up to Eleven against Sarda, which still left him about Eleventy Zillion short.
  • Heinz Hybrid: He's apparently 50% elf, 25% human and 12.5% orc. The remaining 12.5% is unknown, but presumably also human. Bizarrely, in his introduction, he claims to be half-elven and half-human. Later he says he's a half-elven ranger who is a quarter Lefeinish (human) and a quarter half-orc. This puts him anywhere from 112.5% to 125%, depending on what the other half of the half-orc is.

    Berserker Axinhed 

"Just because I fly into a blind, homocidal rage at the tip of a helm doesn't mean I'm incapable of appreciating the finer things in life."

A dapper and polite gentlemanly dwarf who also flies into frothing rage in combat.

  • The Berserker: But only when he loses his monocle.
  • Berserk Button: Taking off his monocle, but since it works when he takes it off himself, his berserk button can be whatever he wants it to be.


"Well look at that, another beautiful miracle. If it weren't for my atheism, I'd be impressed by it."

The atheist cleric of the Other Warriors, who gets spells from all the gods at once, since they know he doesn't play favorites.


"I know a guy."

A less competent version of Thief.

The Fiends

    Group as a Whole 

The guardians of the Orbs of Light, and the primary antagonists of the comic.


"Death is the natural state of all being. Life is the aberration. It is fleeting, and full of pain. Come, embrace the eternity in nothing!"

A several hundred thousand year old archmage who achieved immortality in undeath and guards the Earth Orb. Also Vilbert's father.

  • Badass Boast: Loves to do this even more than the other villains.
  • Charm Person: Uses "creepy undead mind control" to prevent his wives from cheating on him. Try not to focus too much on the creepy...
  • Physical God: Becomes the ruler of Hell after Hell King Black Mage kills him.
  • Soul Jar: Used the Earth Orb for this purpose.


"Look, I haven't killed anything in about three minutes, so my patience is nil at this point."

The Elemental Embodiment of Fire, guardian of the Orb of Fire, and one of the most kill-happy creatures on the planet.

  • Stupid Evil + Bad Boss: Slaughters her own minions for little or no reason just to prove she's evil and because she likes killing things.
  • Worthy Opponent: Calls Fighter one, anyway.


"Anyway, you guys ordered an apocalypse if I'm right."

An Eldritch Abomination beyond space and time, who acts as a freelance agent of apocalypse. Also the guardian of the Water Orb.

  • Affably Evil: Handles ending worlds in a friendly, business-like manner.


Dragoon: Muffin is a dragon. It all makes sense now. Like, when I'd say 'Polly want a cracker?" she'd say "No, Muffin want to rip a knight in half and suck out the pulp.
Thief: That kind of thing happen often?
Dragoon: Around here it does.

Supposedly the last dragon, and one of near godlike power. She played the part of Dragoon's pet parakeet, both to avoid suspicion and because she thought it was funny. Also acts as the guardian of the Air Orb.

  • Fluffy the Terrible: Though Dragoon suspects it wasn't her real name.
  • Hoist by His Own Petard: Creating an order of knights designed solely to slay dragons really comes back to bite her.
  • Last of His Kind: Almost. Red Mage points out that they've met dragons other than her, and she grudgingly acknowledges that she didn't quite manage to kill all of the others.
  • Superior Species: Sure thinks she is. Manages to out-do even elves in terms of racial arrogance.
  • We Can Rule Together: Briefly allies with Black Mage before tricking him into getting off of her while flying in the middle of the sky.


    White Mage 

"Stupid white mage's oath."

The begrudging ally of the Light Warriors, dedicated to pushing them onto the path of destiny whether they like it or not.

  • Already Done for You: Kills Chaos while the Light Warriors were stalling for time to think of a way out of it.
  • Break the Cutie: And Fighter is the one who breaks her by talking. Seriously...
    • Before that, Black Belt's death, finding out that she's God since she created the universe and then killing Black Belt's time distorted clone that Black Mage petrified.


"I, gentlemen, am Sarda, and that makes me the wizard who did it!"

The most powerful mage in existence, he is older than the universe itself. In theory, he's supposed to guide the Light Warriors to their destiny. In practice, he just uses his omnipotence to screw with them.

  • Big Bad:
    • He's technically the main enemy of the Light Warriors.
    • Unless you count the Light Warriors themselves, as he is responsible for setting everything in motion. Besides, he's nearly as nasty as Black Mage, regularly abusing his power, screwing with Ranger for no reason and with the entire town of Onrac just to get revenge on White Mage. He even inadvertently killed Onion Kid's - AKA his own - adoptive parents when he was doing it. All because he can.
    • You could say he takes the place of Garland, the Big Bad from the source material, being a character scarred by the Light Warriors in the beginning, involved in a time-loop plot, planning on the Light Warriors to complete their quest, and becoming the vessel for Chaos. They're even both fought in the Temple of Fiends.
  • Comes Great Responsibility: But absolute power, rocks absolutely.
  • Dangerously Genre Savvy: Smart enough to know that when crafting spells, make sure they can't be used against you. When Black Mage learns blue magic, he mimics two spells from Sarda: a spell to make someone puke out his own insides, and a spell to re-write reality according to his whim. When Black Mage tries to use them against Sarda, he finds out the spells were: "Make Black Mage puke out his insides" and "Re-write reality according to Sarda's whim."
  • Death by Irony: A combination of Hoist by His Own Petard and poetically dying the way he grew up—accidentally harmed by Black Mage's evil.
  • Demonic Possession: By Chaos.
  • Go Mad from the Isolation: Being trapped and alone for billions of years alone was really just the final straw that broke the wizard's mind.
  • Go Mad from the Revelation: His madness started with Black Mage's face.
  • Hoist by His Own Petard: Absorbs so much power that he is killed and his body is used by Chaos.
  • Hypocrite: He can make a case for Black Mage, but he can't really claim the moral high ground over Thief and Red Mage. He doesn't even attempt to claim it over Fighter.
    • He claims the Light Warriors (bar Fighter) are all monsters that need to die for the good of everyone else (not that he's wrong about that) but decides their ultimate punishment is to live in the knowledge that he could kill them at any time.
  • Idiot Ball: Just once, though at the worst possible moment. Quoth the Evil Overlord List: No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
  • Jerkass: Has no problem with brutally murdering anyone who annoys him enough, and takes great pleasure in screwing with the Light Warriors (which, granted, they deserve but still.)
  • Living Bodysuit: For Chaos.
  • Mind Screw: Does this to the Light Warriors, Other Warriors, and Dark Warriors in various ways.
  • Reality Warper: His command of magic is so powerful, that after so many years of study, he became this,
  • Set Right What Once Went Wrong: Traveled to the beginning of the universe in order to prevent the Light Warriors from coming into being. It didn't work.
  • Stable Time Loop: As a direct result of the Light Warrior's actions, mirroring the original game's similar time loop. He's the grown-up Onion Kid, gone back to the dawn of time to try to re-write the universe in his image, only to end up beaten to the punch by White Mage by a few seconds. Then forced to take The Slow Path back.
  • Time Abyss: Technically older than the universe.

    Black Belt 

Black Belt: You try walking a straight line without bumping into wave functions of neighboring realities.
Black Mage: We do it all the time. It's called NOT BEING SO STUPID THAT IT WARPS THE UNIVERSE!

White Mage's companion, and stupider even than fighter.


"All those poor, poor fools not living in towers or being able to leap into the stratosphere. It's like they wanted to drown."

The last of the dragoons, an order dedicated to slaying dragons. Also lives with Muffin, the last dragon, who he believes is a parakeet.

  • Put on a Bus: But comes Back for the Finale and, unlike the countless cameos within said finale, he's actually the sixth most prominent character in it.
  • Running Gag: Invariably lands on Black Mage when jumping.
  • What an Idiot: In-universe, the other characters call him out on the stupidity of believing that Muffin was a parrot all his life.

    King Steve 

King Steve: Did I ever tell you about the time I built this castle all by hand?
Princess Sara: It's 400 years old, dad.
King Steve: Yes, yes. I designed it that way, you know.

The very, very, very stupid king of Corneria.

  • Worthy Opponent: Thief considers him to be the world's foremost criminal mind.

    Princess Sara 

The far more competent daughter of King Steve, her kidnapping by Garland starts off the plot.

  • Demoted to Extra: A big part of the Dark Warrior and King Steve sub-plots earlier on, but Drizz'l and Left-Hand Man Gary essentially take her place.


"I am the yawning chasm from before the before; the darkness after the end of all things. I am nothing and no thing is eternal."

The Big Bad of the series, an omnicidal God of Evil dedicated to nothing but chaos and destruction...and actually a rather pleasant guy, all around.

  • For the Evulz: Seems to genuinely love living up to his name with random acts of screwing people over.
    Chaos: Yes, you may do this thing.
    Red Mage: Score.
    Chaos: And take as long as you like. As long as it takes no more than 24 of your Earth hours.
    Red Mage: But you said-
    Chaos: I'm Chaos!
  • Generic Doomsday Villain: Invoked trope. He wants to destroy all of existence out of a misguided belief that it would be chaotic. Unfortunately, White Mage explains to him that such a thing would create perfect order.
  • Giant Space Flea from Nowhere: While he did get mentioned about once a year, he still comes from nowhere (literally).
  • A God Am I: Obviously, what with him being the elder god of destruction. When challenged about his desire to destroy the universe with cake, his response is, 'it's a little beyond your ability to influence.'
  • The Unfought: Well, unfought by the Light Warriors, at least.


A powerful, blind witch who sends the Light Warriors on a quest for a rat tail. Dating the god of dragons.

  • Baleful Polymorph: Turns people who annoy her into frogs.
  • Crystal Ball: She's introduced to the story because she lost it. So she did the logical thing: waited in a monster-haunted cave in some very remote location to entrust its recovery to the first group of people too stupid to avoid a monster-haunted cave in some very remote location.
  • Hot Skitty-on-Wailord Action: She's dating Bahamut, god-king of dragons. The anatomical challenges are not explained. Though she tries. In detail.
  • Interspecies Romance: As noted above, she's dating Bahamut, a dragon.

    The Cultists 

Thief: You're not going to have to incest at us first, are you?
Cultist 1: No, we don't do that!
Cultist 2: Any more!
Mrr'grt: As much!

A cult of Cthulhumanoids trying to summon an elder god to destroy the world.

  • Filler Villain: In their first appearance, since the entire arc has 0 impact on the story.
  • Nietzsche Wannabe: Naturally, being a parody of Lovecraft's works.


The chancellor of the elf kingdom, who looks after Elfland while the king is indisposed and the prince is away.



A robot survivor of an extinct civilization.

  • Bus Crash: Kills himself off-screen.
  • Cloudcuckoolander: Spent long, lonely years trying to develop a version of tennis that could be played by one person. One robot person. Who has no arms.



A merchant who continuously sells the Light Warriors a variety of useless and broken objects he claims will help them in their quest.


A turbaned merchant who openly sells dangerously shoddy products and services.

    The Sulk 

One of Vilbert's friends.

    The Real Light Warriors 

The people actually destined to save the world from Chaos, they got to the recruiting station a bit too late.

  • Butt Monkey: Whenever we see these guys, they're usually getting screwed over.
  • The Chew Toy: When you consider how they were supposed to be the heroes, their suffering is very disheartening.
  • Cosmic Plaything: Even when the Light Warriors aren't screwing them, things rarely work out for these guys.
  • Evil Counterpart: Inverted; since the Light Warriors are the very definition of Villain Protagonists, they are very heroic. To drive the point home, while the RLWs use character sprites of Fighter, Thief, and Red Mage's upgraded classes from the first Final Fantasy game (Knight, Ninja, Red Wizard, respectively) Black Mage's is a White Wizard.
  • Missed the Call: They were supposed to be the ones to become chosen by fate, but because they were out level grinding, the main characters got the job.
  • No Name Given: The only member of the group whose name was revealed is the Red Wizard named Barry.
  • Think Nothing of It: When they do pull off some heroics, they are very humble about it.