, but every tenth or so has a 'hilarity assured' joke.
- "Where did you get your class change from?" "I stole it. From the future."
- Red Mage kills a dinosaur... with logic:
Dinosaur: How can dinosaur hunting be your primary purpose? We're extinct.
Red Mage: Exactly.
- Red Mage and Bestiality
- This exchange later on, when Fighter is riding the abomination Red Mage created:
: You can ride it! Black Mage
: Fighter, get down from there; you know better than to ride crimes against nature. Fighter
: Aw, man. I never get to ride crimes against nature or hobos
: Obviously this
chocobo won't get us off the island. He can hardly breathe, really. But I had to do something with all the inferior genes to make way for the ultimate, perfect
. That's how elf mythology explains the existence of all the other races. beat Thief
: Some of the gods, too.
- Damn my wits!
- Any time any character attempts to formulate a plan, there will be one of these, guaranteed. To wit:
Thief: Hm, the cannon fodder angle. I can get behind that.
Red Mage: It's certainly no good being in front of it.
- After the rest of the group leaves Black Mage behind with a monster, they discuss how he's going to follow them (Fighter thinks they're going back, the rest are trying to ditch him), when suddenly BM flies through the air and lands in front of them, and gives us this.
Black Mage: I found out what zombies are weak against.
Red Mage: Oh?
- Black Mage forgetting the definition of murder, and having to have it reminded to him by Red Mage and Fighter.
- The arc where the team's diversion from their supposed mission was to run up an extortion racket after routing both the town guard and the mafia.
Bank Teller: This is a robbery?
: No, robbery is what my friends are doing. *Beat Panel
* Robbery and some
Bank Teller: This bank is oozing with magic alarms! The city guard will be here any minute!
Thief: There's something tragic and hilarious you don't know about that.
- And later in that arc:
Thief: Our protection racket is great, but providing concrete incentives to be protected would be great.
Red Mage: So...we're going to rob them now?
Black Mage: How is that different from what we've been doing all along?
Thief: Very slightly.
- Until the whole thing comes to an end with:
: Just cooperate, or we'll do this
*nuclear explosion panel*
Thief: There is such a thing as being too illustrative.
- The creation of the Sardapedia:
Red Mage: But where we start?
Sarda: Temple of Fiends.
Thief: But that's a temple, not a castle.
Sarda: Temple's a kind of castle. Everyone in the world knows that. It's in the Sardapedia. See?
Sardapedia: "castle (tem-puhl) - noun: Where the goddamn Light Warriors are going."
- Fighter discerning he had defeated gravity by surviving an airship crash. And proceeding to fly. Red Mage promptly breaks. (link)
Fighter: Don't you see? With gravity slain, now we can FLY! *flies off*
Red Mage: But he.... you can't...love...hate...clouds...*collapses*
- But it just turns out to be Sarda jackassing them over to his place. Although, anyone time someone refers to Sarda's actions as jackassing is kinda funny in itself.
- Sarda and his Healing Shiv.
Sarda: I turned the spear into a healing spear. Like this healing shiv. *stabs Thief* Or maybe that's my regular shiv.
- And in Elfland:
Black Mage: Killing you is going to be the greatest moment of my life.
- And in the next strip, Doctor Malpractice gets stuck while trying to escape through the bathroom window as the light warriors listen from outside:
Doctor Malpractice: Darn it! I KNEW this would happen. I'm FAR too big. I need some help in here, but who would want to actually DO that?! Dammit, I thought elves were supposed to be scrawny twig boys! Argh! Now I'm all tangled up in my robes! I hope I can get un-tangled before I make a mess of things. If I wasn't so big, this wouldn't be a problem.
- From the invasion of Dwarfland arc:
Thief: Ack! Beard-shaped parasites are eating their faces!
- Another example from that arc:
Red Mage: I'm going to be in front this time, so no more-
: *laser-eyes the village, setting it on fire
Red Mage: Come on. Now you're just doing it to annoy me. You don't even HAVE heat vision.
Black Mage: (shrugs) Meh.
- The whole arc was a Crowning Moment of Funny in Comedic Sociopathy!
Dwarf: By Moradin's beard! Why do only our homes and children burn?!
Because it seemed excessively cruel!
Everything I love is combustible!
Dwarf: Why aren't I dead yet?
- Vilbert von Vampire, the LARPer. The Light Warriors have to go along with his arbitrary set of rules to fight him. Hilarity Ensues when it dawns on Fighter that he's...well, a vampire. So he goes to get an appropriate weapon...
: (swinging a chunk of a fence with a cow on it)
COWBONG! (Clobbers Vilbert)
Black Mage: A WOODEN STAKE!
Fighter: I know; what do you think the fence post is for? I'm not stupid.
Black Mage: That's not a stake.
: Well, no, not yet. (turns Black Mage around to shoot fire at the down Vilbert and Cow on a stick) Now
it's Wood in Steak
Black Mage: How did you...
Fighter: It's just a half-circle from back to front. Simple.
Black Mage: But...that spell...you can't...I don't...what?
- Sometime later, Lich came home to see the Light Warriors stabbing Vilbert repeatedly with the Armoire of Invincibility. Lich is mocked by both Red Mage and Black Mage.
: I don't know what you guys are so worried about. He looks like easy prey. He's probably got low evasion and defense. I mean, he's a sack of bones. Even Skeletor, who is easily more
incompetent than Cobra Commander, has a fleshy exterior. How hard could it be? Skeletor: You'll never defeat He-Man without skin, skully! Lich
: You mock the Lich King? All that is living turns to ash in the presence of the Lich. I am the beauty of decay, the perfection of death. All that is born lives only to die. And in death, shall you serve a new master
. Lich! So face me, oh warriors, and know the horror of perfection
! Black Mage
: (flippantly, dismimssively)
Yes, yes, the lord of the dead shall inherit the greatest kingdom given enough time. Now hush; the adults are talking. Lich
- Then there was this and this. You can't solve everything with a vote.
Thief: Oh dear ever-handsome elf-gods, are we actually stupid enough to have voted on nothing at all?
- The entire Dwarfland arc, from start to finish.
Red Mage: Come on. Now you're just doing it to annoy me. You don't even have heat vision.
- I, GARLAND, WILL uh...KNOCK YOU ALL DOWN!
- Even better when you're aware that except for the "uh...", it's a verbatim quote from the English translation of the first Final Fantasy game.
- Probably what makes it even funnier still is the fact that he technically does knock them all down. By making them fall over laughing their heads off.
- The "stuck on an island" arc. All of Red Mage's attempts at chocobo transportation/genetic engineering/surgery.
(after creating a horribly mutated chocobo): All it required was a cocktail of dangerous experimental surgery and a willingness to ignore the unnecessary suffering of perfectly innocent beings! Also, I shot magic into their chromosomes until they turned inside-out. Evolution is my bitch.
- The icing on the cake was Black Mage's Eye Take and awkward glancing back and forth, just TRYING to think of what the hell to say.
Red Mage: Behold the fruits of genius!
[Cut to the horrific chocobo]
: [after aforementioned Eye Take and awkward glancing]
What is it?!
Red Mage: We went over this. Fruits of genius.
- A short time before the above entry, Black Mage's repeated assaults on Fighter's cranium start having an effect:
Thief: Looks like that stab to the head wasn't so bad after all.
- Three arrows in a single bow? Nothing out of the ordinary. Two bows with three arrows each? Funny. Two bows with three arrows each, per hand? Comedy gold. The right reaction to such absurdity? Downright hilarious!
Onion Kid: What happened to that arrow guy?
- "I was right. That didn't make sense."
- The whole of the Glorious Chainsaw Method ability:
: Fighter! (holds out index card)
Do as the card commands! (Beat Panel) Red Mage
: ...Fighter? Fighter
: It hasn't said anything yet... Black Mage
the card and then read
the card. Fighter
: (does so)
'Kay. (BZZZRR!) Red Mage
: Should have probably told Black Mage to get out of the way. (Black Mage gets back to his feet) Black Mage
: WHAT. DID YOU WRITE. ON THAT CARD.
- Black Mage and Thief discuss the finer details of being dead:
- "There is a map to Swordtown on the other side of this note." Yee!
- Will you stop looking into the ancient insanity box already!
- "They may be monsters, but they're sea monsters. What're they gonna do? Flop around on deck and suffocate at us threateningly?"
- Red Mage freezing the team to keep them from being killed by the Ice Dragon? Funny. Expecting Black Mage to come and thaw them out with one of his many fire spells? Funny in a very pitiable way. Black Mage dropping out of his current fiery rampage to stare at the now frozen Light Warriors for two panels before going far in the background to deliberately squander more fire spells at everything but the ice block? Priceless.
- BEHOLD MY HUMAN LASER!
- Bikke's Establishing Character Moment:
Bikke: Consider the lives of me crew forfeit.
Garland: I'm sure it won't come to that.
Bikke: It will if I says it will.
- I knew that would happen, but I'm mad about it anyway.
- The Drizzt Syndrome character's Un Reveal:
Drizz'l: I'm going to be the bigger elf here. I'm not even upset.
(cut to empty hallway)
Drizz'l (downcast): Just not WITH me.
- A meta-example. Clevinger is best known as a Teasing Creator, and he created a fake, anticlimactic ending, expecting to receive tons of hate mail. Instead he was flooded with mail about how appropriate the ending was and had people thanking him.
- *KABOOM* "Yar? ...Must be Explodin' Tuesday." and ''"WHY WOULD IT EXPLODE?"'
- The "Hadouken" variants.
- The Light Warriors being found in the female Elf barracks... dressed as women.
- Even better, they appear to be curtseying when they answer the captains questions.
- In one comic, Black Mage, after being threatened with certain death against some fiends, mockingly claims that he's so scared that he's about to shit Thief's pants. Sounds like just a weird insult, until the next comic. Note Thief's annoyance and BM's apology after the fiends show up. BM wasn't just kidding, apparently.
Thief: That's super. Now I have to ninja up some laundry.
- The epileptic llama attack.
Drizz'l: What was that?! WHAT WAS THAT?!
Vilbert: I don't understand what happened!
Sarda: It would be worse if you did.
- The Quiet Game episode, especially how it finally ended.
- This little exchange between Fighter and Black Mage.
Fighter: Hey Black Mage. Did you happen to see Dr. Swordopolis?
Black Mage: Dr. Who?
No, no. Swordopolis. *A picture appears of Dr. Swordopolis wearing a scarf, and the Ninth Doctor 'wearing the same pair of glasses, appears.
* But the resemblence is uncanny.
- Sarda vs the Dark Warriors.
- Thief having his class change stolen from him from the past. several hundred strips later.
- "Glorious leader, we have found a queen for you!"
Black Mage: I have made a grave miscalculation here.
- And then Black Mage's Beat Panel reaction, after Red Mage says he supports Black Mage's decision.
- The dragons in the Temple of Fiends.
Dragon: BLARG! I'M A DRAGON! OR TWELVE!
Impossible! Only a maximum of nine enemies may be onscreen
- Made even better by the fact that just before that Black Mage said the worst thing they'd find was a stairway without handrails. In the last panel, they're falling down the stairs.
- Red Mage's A-Hole.
Black Mage: Where in the hell are we?
Red Mage: My A-hole.
Black Mage: Goddammit, Red Mage...
- Followed immediately by this exchange.
Red Mage: So deep are we (within my A-hole) that Sarda will never find us no matter how thoroughly or how vigorously he probes my A-hole.
Black Mage: Can you say things without talking? Is that...Can we do that? Please?
Red Mage: What's wrong? All I'm saying is that we're deep, deep in my A-hole.
Black Mage: Stop using that word!
Red Mage: O...kay.
Black Mage: Thank you.
Red Mage: Would you prefer to say that we are in my B-holenote then? Either is accurate.
Black Mage: I'm...not sure what that could refer to, and it makes me worried.
Black Mage: Ah-ha! I knew it would work. All we had to do was turn Red Mage's A-hole inside-out. And explain to Fighter that you can't do that with swords. And what we meant by "Red Mage's A-hole."
- This whole conversation.
Black Mage: They're trying to kill me!
Fighter: That's a shame (turns against Red Mage and Thief)
Red Mage: But we have a good reason!
Fighter: (goes back to Red Mage and Thief's side) Sorry, Black Mage, but you heard the man.
Black Mage: "A good reason" isn't a good reason at all!
Red Mage: We need to use your heart.
Black Mage: So do I! It moves my blood around!
Red Mage: Not if we kill you!
Black Mage: That's distressingly logical.
- "Any fate we can walk into because we're not dead is a better one than we had ten minutes ago."
- Sarda conclusively proves that he has not taken the Evil Overlord List to heart.
- Simply because of the buildup beforehand (and spoilered for that reason, though it is also a huge spoiler if you read the page):
- Red Mage hatches a plan to defeat Chaos.
Red Mage: I can fix all of this.
Black Mage: Ohhh, no you don't. If I have to listen to one more of your word salads in the guise of a plan, I will kill myself so hard it will kill you instead.
Red Mage: No, no, no. This is so stupid it's completely foolproof.
Black Mage: That's not how stupid works! There's a critical mass of stupidity beyond which no additional amount of stupid will improve your chances for success!
- This older one is also very funny. Demonstrating Black Mage's logical approach to things:
(...) You're a mass-murdering psycho! Beat Panel Black Mage:
If you think about it, that's really their
- Thief: White Mage, Black Mage! Something bad has happened to physics. I'll need your help re-establishing order to the universe as soon as I'm done with RM's wallet.
- "Your faerie shat itself!"
- After Black Mage gets kicked in the nuts by a decidedly non-goblin creature:
Red Mage: Oh, the dreaded goblin punch!
Thief: You call it a goblin punch. Even though it was very clearly a kick. And there isn't a goblin within a thousand mile radius.
Red Mage: What? That's the name of the move as chronicled by the greatest cryptozoologist in red mage history: Blindy O'Sightless.
Thief: The more I learn about you, the more it makes sense.
Red Mage: That's a good thing, right?
- "Episode 1192: Closure":
Red Mage: Maybe we're trying too hard.
Thief: We've never done that and you goddamn know it.
- "QUEST COMPLETE!", and this...
Well, yeah. But I mean, maybe
we can't make our own quests. We have to find
them out there
in the world. Roaming free, pure, beautiful.
* Beat Panel, as Black Mage and Thief share a weird look
* Black Mage:
That got a little weird at the end.
- The expression on the guy's face in the third panel of this strip, combined with this gem from Black Mage:
- "So this is what it's like when he makes you too stupid to think."
- "Obstacle course? Mo' like KA-BOOM course!"
- And now Red Mage's latest plan to kill Chaos by stupiding him to death.
Thief: "HOW DO YOU MISS A VOLCANO?!"
"A Planet in the same orbit on the other side of the Sun..."
- Orbs of Light, bottom panel.
- In yet ANOTHER excessively long setup to an eventual payoff: Four White Mages? It'll never work. ...or maybe it will.
- The Dark Warriors discuss the finer points of Black Mage's change of allegiance.
Bikke: No, it be making the mathemalogical sense.
Drizz'l: Bikke. Two plus two.
- "And thus, King Steve's Kick-Ass Bridgenote was built. There's already a wreck in the southbound lane."
- "Organs... surrendering... like the French..."
- Possibly Fighter's greatest line.
Victor Von Vampire:
Are you ready? Red Mage:
I was BORN ready. Fighter:
I was born naked and screaming. Black Mage:
And if all goes according to plan, you'll die that way too.
- Episode 726: That Sinking Feeling
Red Mage: *standing in a sinking submarine* Oh, please. Death is for NPCs. I'll just pop the drain and let all the water out.
Black Mage: Think about that for a minute. What is going to rush in here and drown us instantly when you do that?
Red Mage: Nothing because it's the perfect plan?
Black Mage: *grimaces for a panel* No, think harder.
- Made even funnier when Fighter goes and does exactly what Red Mage proposed.
- Sword-Chucks, yo.
- Fighter managing to make several 'bear' jokes one after the other, successfully pissing off Black Mage.
- Soon after, Thief dismisses the supposed hauntedness of the woods they're in:
: We're not too worried, thanks. I'd like to think I know my way around a forest. Y'know, since the essence of my being resonates with the very concept
of "forest." And frankly, I've seen darker wood in elf porn
. (Black Mage immediately throws up.) Ranger
: Your elf eyes do see the living forest itself, that much is clear to me. But there is much more that you cannot see. Black Mage
: Man, and I didn't lose it when I caught a glimpse of an elder god defecating
: (looking down)
You got it on my shoes. Black Mage
: It shat out advertising executives. They're the bowel obstruction that killed the old universe
- The second nightmare Black Mage has due to the poisoned cookies Matoya gives the Light Warriors. Absolutely hilarious.
- White Mage says that she doesn't know whether the Light Warriors are alive or not. Cue this.
- Black Mage taking out the Nintendo Power issue in here which he had already taking out here. It also counts as a Crowning Moment of Awesome for being the longest set up in a webcomic, lasting 9 years and 1214 strips.
- Black Mage's flowchart at the end of this strip.
- Black Mage explains the widespread destruction to White Mage.
- Oh, people cough for hours after they die. (...) And stand up. And... change their clothes?
- The Light Warriors are about to face Sarda while he is "charging" the power of the Orbs into himself. Black Mage and Thief run away, taking Fighter with them, leaving Red Mage alone with Sarda. RM says that this is quite normal, and Sarda replies "Preaching to the choir." Red Mage asks if Sarda is sympathic to his plight. Cue Evil Laugh.
- Setting: a quiet village where a gang of anonymous men posing as adventurers are raping people. Cue Red Mage leaping down from above: I HAVE TO SHOW YOU WHAT'S IN MY POCKET! IT WILL MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER!
- Dag. "Well, yeah, it is an elven slang. But more specifically it's prison slang."
Fighter: Psst! What does "situational homosexuality" mean?
- After Black Mage gets back from killing the orc zombie and promptly passes out from flying into the ground at high speeds:
Red Mage: "Oh, he's dead."
Thief: "No, just passed out."
Red Mage: [pulls out a sword] "I am never wrong."
- Matoya poisons the Light warriors.
Matoya: I hope I haven't POISONED your opinions of me. Because I'd hate to have POISONED our future dealings. Ooh! Ooh! Guess my favorite '80s band. Go on! Guess!
Gee, I don't know, could it be... Poison
, it's Warrant! Gwa ha ha ha ha!
- This whole comic is funny, but all of Red Mage's lines are brilliant:
It shoots fire from its mouth and bleeds acidic lava! Run for your pathetic lives!
Use your weapons, they are designed to inflict damage! Our weapons are useless, reliance upon them is death!
It has exposed its weak, fleshy underbelly to me in the form of its digestive tract!
- Thief hears about the quest given to the other Light Warriors by Bahamut:
Thief: So you morons met the god of dragons.
Red Mage: He's also their king. He was very clear on that.
Thief: Okay, you met this god and/or king who lives in a dank hole in the ground, and he asked you to get the tail of a rat for him.
Black Mage: That about sums it up.
Thief: This dragon. Was he, by any chance, a hobo in a dragon suit?
- "Die, ants, die!"
- Red Mage's tale of defeating a monster through the "vigorous" use of animal husbandry.
"Each was more prehensile than the last!"
- Fighter on invisible sky castles.
Does that LOOK like an invisible sky castle? Fighter:
Sure, maybe. I've never seen one. Black Mage:
Can you imagine why? Fighter:
(Thinks it over for several panels) Fighter:
Because they're quite rare? Black Mage: I...You... Thief: Technically he's not wrong, you know. Black Mage:
But he SHOULD be.
- "Kary, why don't you show this pile of hair what you think of his little fire helm?" (beat) "That's not what I meant."
- Red Mage explains Thief's trick to Black Mage:
Meanwhile Thief was lying about his pants problem so he could reconnoiter the enemy without raising supsicion. Black Mage:
You were dead, and on fire, and a hat
when that happened, how do you know? Red Mage:
It's one of the oldest tricks in the book.
shows book titled "Illustrated Guide to Scatalogical Tricks") Red Mage:
It's a really weird book.
- "Chaos! You're too tall!"
- A visual gag that made this BattleTech aficionado burst out laughing: Whale Vulture! The title also includes a Shout-Out to Weebl & Bob's Badger Badger Badger.
- The aftermath of the Light Warriors' nightmare-poison-induced shenanigans.
- Red Mage suggests selling "starmetal" from the asteroid Black Mage dropped. Black Mage laughs at him. Red Mage suddenly transforms five chunks of the asteroid into metal.
Black Mage: I believe in magic and that still made no sense.
Red Mage: In the arena of logic, I fight unarmed.
- "Why hasn't Black Mage stabbed you in the back of the neck yet?" "I know, right? Hope he's feeling okay."
- Also, Black Mage sees a dragon.
Black Mage: Teeth like daggers. Eyes...also like daggers.
Fighter: How does that work?
Thief: Piercing gaze?
Fighter: You're just on fire today!
- Appointing the oversight committee.
- Black Mage sums up Red Mage's plan to escape his A-hole.
Black Mage: So you want us to build a thing that's the size of everything using nothing.
Red Mage: Yes.
Black Mage: Twice.
Red Mage: Yes.
(cue Black Mage's traditional WTF expression)