Clarkson's Farm is a British TV Documentary about automotive journalist Jeremy Clarkson's escapades at farming. This page concerns notable quotes made by the cast of the show.
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Season 1
Tractoring
- [first voiceover intro]
Clarkson: For many years, this has been my day job. But, when the important work was over, I came home... to this. It's my farm in the Cotswolds. Nestling amongst the ancient stone villages, it's a peaceful, 1,000 acre haven of wide open fields, brooks, waterfalls, woods and wild flower meadows. It stretches from those trees over there on the far horizon, then it goes behind that big wood, down into the valley and then up past here to a point a couple of miles over there. And ever since I bought it back in 2008, it's been run by a chap from the village. However, he told me a couple of months ago that he's retiring, so, I've come up with a plan: I shall farm it myself.[introduction voiceover]
Clarkson: All that is to come, but right now, it's time to start my first job: the biggest, most important job of them all - planting wheat and barley in all the big fields like this one. And how do you do that? No idea. Literally, honestly, I have absolutely no clue! All I do know is... it's going to involve some tractoring.[Clarkson selecting a tractor]
Voiceover Clarkson: Obviously to do tractoring I'd need a tractor. So on day one, I set off to my local dealership.
[Clarkson views a Fordson Super Major]
Clarksom: Quite like this one, look. The Super Major. There are worse names...
Voiceover Clarkson: As I am familiar with stuff that has four wheels and an engine, I should have been at home here. But I wasn't. So, I sought advice from the dealership's owner: Patrick Edwards.[Clarkson enquires about a Massey Ferguson 65 tractor]
Clarkson: How much is this?
Patrick: 7,500. That is what we specialize in: you've got an engine at the front...
Clarkson: Yeah.
Patrick: You've got a gearbox and a back axle, no suspension, no fancy electronics; there's nothing to go wrong that we can't mend.[Clarkson enquires about a McCormick International B-250 tractor]
Clarkson: What horsepower has that got?
Patrick: 45 horsepower.
Clarkson: Bit feeble...
Patrick: Well, it fed the country...
Clarkson: I know, but people didn't eat very much in those days.
[Patrick laughs][Clarkson enquires about a Case International 595 tractor]
Clarkson: What's the most power- what's that got horsepower-wise?
Patrick: That would be about 65 horsepower.
Clarkson: And is that the most powerful one here?
Patrick: Yes, yeah.
Clarkson: 65 horsepower?
Patrick: Yes.
[Clarkson scowls][Clarkson test drives a restored Massey Ferguson 35X tractor]
Voiceover Clarkson: I then took one of his restored tractors for a test drive.
Clarkson: Oh, it begins! Let's open it up.
[Clarkson drives past the tractors he viewed]
Clarkson: Oh.[Clarkson buys a tractor]
Clarkson: Having finished my test drive, I made a decision... and bought this.
[cuts to shot with Clarkson's new tractor, a Lamborghini R8.270 DCR]
Clarkson: This... is a Lamborghini R8! Oh my God, this thing is enormous! Everything about it is just vast! Weighs ten tons! I have 40 forwards gears and 40 reverse gears. And I know that little Massey Ferguson was very sweet, but come on![Clarkson attempts to park his new tractor]
Clarkson: Okay, and here we are at the farm.
[Clarkson begins parking]
Clarkson: Oh, hello. Wait wait wait wait wait.
[Clarkson disembarks his tractor to see his beacon is too tall]
Clarkson: Oh shit.[Clarkson's girlfriend Lisa sees the tractor]
Voiceover Clarkson: First up with an opinion was my girlfriend, Lisa.
Lisa: That... that's too big!
Clarkson: It isn't! It isn't! The shed's too...
Lisa: Enormous!
Clarkson: Little![Clarkson meets his land agent Charlie]
[car horn honks]
Clarkson: Ah! Here's someone who does know about farming! It's Charlie Ireland. Now he's my sort of land agent; he knows what's needed and when it's needed. He'll be guiding me over the coming year.
Charlie: Jeremy, hello.
Clarkson: Charlie, how are you?
Charlie: Very well, thanks.
[Clarkson gesticulates towards his tractor]
Clarkson: Mhm!
Charlie: It's quite large... um...[tractor has the wrong hitch]
Clarkson: Come on! It's a good tractor!
Charlie: It's got the wrong hitch on...
Clarkson: What?
Charlie: That's a European hitch.
Clarkson: What's a- I got it from Germany.
Charlie: You may well have done.
Clarkson: So I can't attach anything to the back of this?
Charlie: Not at the moment.[Charlie's opinions on Clarkson's tractor]
Clarkson: But it is a big tractor.
Charlie: I think it's a vast tractor up here. Uh...
Clarkson: Too big?
Charlie: Yes![Charlie gives Clarkson advice on buying farming equipment]
Charlie: So, we can either do it two ways: we can either get some new equipment or we can probably do it the sensible way and get some good second hand machinery that's lower value.
Clarkson: Yeah.
Charlie: There's a couple of farm sales coming up.
Clarkson: Okay, so we'll go to a farm sale.
Charlie: Yeah.[Clarkson heads to a farm sale]
Voiceover Clarkson: So, a few days later on a beautiful Cotswolds morning, I fired up the checkbook and began shopping. Charlie had provided me a list of what to buy, but it might as well have been in Arabic.
[Clarkson views the equipment]
Clarkson: No idea what that is. No idea. What the hell is that? I mean, what is everything? Like a medieval funfair, this. Hundreds of different ways of killing yourself![the farm sale begins]
Voiceover Clarkson: Soon, the fields started to fill up, and the auction buzz was building.
[auctioneer rings a bell]
Clarkson: He's just showing off. "Look at me, still got an arm!"
[auctioneer continues to ring bell]
Clarkson: Amazon have said they want as much diversity in this show as we can possibly manage, and I think we're doing well because if you look, there's every different type of white 60-year-old man here.[Clarkson begins buying]
Voiceover Clarkson: Under the watchful gaze of a man who seemed to have had an argument with a threshing machine, I started bidding.
Auctioneer: 14, 16, 1800 I'm bid. 2,000 I'm bid. 2-2. 2-4. At 2-6. 3-2. At 3-3. At 3-8. 3850.
[auctioneer hits a stick on his clipboard]
Auctioneer: Your bid, sir. Six-double one. Thank you.[Clarkson finishes purchasing his equipment]
Clarkson: Having spent £82,000 on equipment, and £2 on office furniture, my next job, according to Charlie, was to go through the timetable for getting the crops in the ground.[Charlie discusses a cropping plan with Clarkson]
Charlie: So I've worked out a cropping plan.
Clarkson: And this is what we're putting in this year, then?
Charlie: This is what I think we should put in.
Clarkson: This is- we've got to get the winter barley all the way along...
Charlie: So the winter barley, that's all the way along here.
Clarkson: Well, that's gotta be done now and the wheat here, it's got to be done now.
Charlie: Yeah.
Clarkson: So it's 235 acres, we've got all this to...
Charlie: And then we've got the 200 acres of spring barley to prepare for, so we've got to get cultivation, get spraying off, cultivations and drilling.
Clarkson: In...
Charlie: In under two weeks.
Clarkson: 'kay.[Charlie recites an old saying]
Charlie: 'cause, you know, there's an old saying that I've got, you know, "Well sown is half grown." So if the crop is planted well, then actually you're halfway there. So the biggest risk factor is...
Clarkson: Not planting it properly.
Charlie: Is not planting it properly.[the other risk factor]
Charlie: And we haven't mentioned the other factor; we all get weather. If the weather is rubbish, we just have to sit there.
Clarkson: So the soil needs to be dry.
Charlie: The soil needs to be, you know, in good condition.[fertilizer and seed delivery]
[truck droning]
Clarkson: Lorry.
Charlie: There's a lorry arrived.
[Clarkson and Charlie inspect the trucks]
Clarkson: What have we got?
Charlie: We've got fertilizer...
Clarkson: Yeah.
Charlie: Coming here, and seed in this one, so...
Clarkson: So, I need to...
Charlie: We need to move the tractor.
Clarkson: Yeah.
Charlie: Then the forklift's in here.
Clarkson: Yeah.
Charlie: So we'll get that going.[Clarkson attempts to move his tractor]
Charlie: I reckon these guys are gonna get itchy in a minute...[Charlie informs Clarkson of some regulations]
Voiceover Clarkson: Just as I was about to get started, Cheerful Charlie delivered a little bundle of government red tape.
Charlie: We've got some hay in there.
Clarkson: Yep.
Charlie: So we need to move the hay, so you can't store a combustible such as hay, straw or anything like that with fertilizer. The- the two mix quite well, so you've got an oxidizing agent.
Clarkson: Why not? Why not? Why not?
Charlie: Well, because...
Clarkson: Hay doesn't spontaneously combust.
Charlie: Well it might do in the presence of fertilizer.
Clarkson: Why d- (stammers) really?!
Charlie: Just... we're not allowed to, it's breaching the fertilizer industry assurance standard rules.
Clarkson: So the government has an opinion on what I store my fertilizer next to?
Charlie: In fairness, it's quite a sensible one.[Charlie's monologue]
Charlie: Within our working week, we've got to build in, you know, the regulations and rules that we have to comply by. Some of those rules are a little bit challenging, but, you know, they're there for a reason. Farming is a patient game, and given that he's, you know, not the world's most patient man...
[Clarkson struggling with machinery]
Clarkson: Fucking useless!
Charlie: You know, that will be a real test.[Clarkson moves the hay]
Clarkson: Up up up up up up up up up...
[hay falls off Clarkson's forks]
Clarkson: Fuck sake...
Voiceover Clarkson: Eventually, the hay, and everything else that might suddenly explode was taken out of the shed, and much to the relief of the delivery drivers, I could finally start unloading.[Clarkson sees the amount of seed and fertilizer he has to unload]
Clarkson: Cheers mate, that's brilliant. Do you wanna pull forwards so I can get the seed off?
Truck Driver: There's uh, 46 more bags on here for you.
Clarkson: What?
Truck Driver: Yep. It's all for you.
[driver pulls back a curtain]
Truck Driver: All the way back.
Clarkson: You're kidding!
[Clarkson stares blankly]
Charlie: This is all for you, and-
Clarkson: I know, he just said.[Clarkson unloads the bags]
Voiceover Clarkson: Despite a couple of small accidents...
[bag of seed pops]
Clarkson: Oh shit.
Voiceover Clarkson: I had all the fertilizer and the sea unloaded in just five hours.[Clarkson thanks the drivers for their patience]
Clarkson: There you go, and many thanks for your patience.
Truck Driver: No problem.
Clarkson: It was my first day, so I wasn't quite as quick as I perhaps will be one day.[Clarkson asks for help]
Voiceover Clarkson: There was only one thing for it: call my local branch of the National Farmer's Union and ask for help.
Clarkson: (on the phone) That would be perfect, thanks. (puts down phone) That's good. My union representative's coming over, um, to give me some help. I'll go and light the brazier.
Voiceover Clarkson: Instead of Arthur Scargill however, they sent Georgia Craig.[Georgia's opinion on Clarkson's tractor]
Clarkson: I'll be honest: I'm not the most practical man. Are you good at tractors?
Georgia: Yeah... but, this is the only tractor you've got?
Clarkson: Yeah.
Georgia: Yeah... okay.
Clarkson: Well, what's wrong with it?
Georgia: It's just a bit... it's quite big for what you've got.
Clarkson: Why do you keep saying it's too- everyone keeps saying it's too- everyone says it's too big!
Georgia: So what made you choose it?
Clarkson: It's a Lamborghini! I'll get it done more quickly!
Georgia: Right, okay...[Clarkson openly defies Georgia's instructions]
Georgia: Turn the engine off and we'll do it from out here.
Clarkson: I'm going to operate from in here. I don't care what she says.
[Clarkson hitches his trailer in an unconventional way]
Georgia: No! Oh shit!
Clarkson: Ha ha! Yes! I did it! I just couldn't be bothered to come down the ladder again![Clarkson gets tutored by Georgia]
Clarkson: And so began my first driving lesson for 42 years.[an impromptu picnic]
Voiceover Clarkson: I was very much enjoying farming, so I decided to pull over and enjoy it some more with a ploughman's.[Clarkson explains to Georgia his motivation for farming]
Clarkson: I'm actually doing farming. Which is what I-
Georgia: That's what you wanted to do.
Clarkson: I've never- I know! And Howard, the previous farmer said "I'm jackin' it in." and I just thought I'll do it. And everybody said "You're stupid. You're literally... that's the stupidest thing ever. You'll never be able to do it."
Georgia: And now you are!
Clarkson: I'm actually doing farming![Clarkson employs Kaleb]
Voiceover Clarkson: I realized that I needed help.
Kaleb: Kaleb, nice to meet you.
Clarkson: How are you?
Voiceover Clarkson: So I called Kaleb Cooper, the tractor driver who'd worked for the previous farmer.[Clarkson attempts to tell Kaleb about what type of crop drill he has]
Kaleb: What drill have you got?
Clarkson: A ...a red one.
Kaleb: A red one?
Clarkson: It's colored red. It's red- or is it orange? It's reddy-orange.
Kaleb: Reddy-orange.[Clarkson asks Kaleb an important question]
Clarkson: How old are you?
Kaleb: I'm 21.
Clarkson: What?!
Kaleb: This year. 21.
Clarkson: You're making me feel pathetic! I'm 59! I haven't done any of that!
[Kaleb snickers][Kaleb sees Clarkson's tractor]
Kaleb: Wow! Lamborghini!
Clarkson: I know![Kaleb and Clarkson attempt to fix the tractor]
Kaleb: What's going on? All in fucking German! Got no book with that, have we?
Clarkson: It's alright, Google Translate.
[Clarkson attempts to translate]
Clarkson: "Page not found". ARGH![Clarkson asks an important question]
Clarkson: Have you had a haircut?
Kaleb: Yeah I have. Tryin' 'em all.
Clarkson: What?
Kaleb: I'm tryin' all different haircuts.
Clarkson: Why?
Kaleb: Until I get older, you know 'cause I'm gonna lose all my hair.
Clarkson: Are you?
Kaleb: The next thing I'm gonna perm it.
Clarkson: (laughs) Good luck with that![they give up]
Voiceover Clarkson: Despite much ferreting, we couldn't find the source of the problem.
[tractor beeps]
Clarkson: FUCK![Kaleb has a suggestion for Clarkson]
Clarkson: Yet another day of no farming.
Kaleb: Yep.
[Clarkson closes the tractor door]
Kaleb: We could grease up.
[long pause]
Clarkson: Oh.
[everyone starts laughing]
Kaleb: Don't look at me like that![Kaleb teaches Clarkson how to use a crop drill]
Clarkson: First though, I had to get to grips with the fearsomely complicated seed drill, which turned out to be neither red nor orange.[Kaleb discovers Clarkson's plans to innovate]
Kaleb: What have you been doing?!
Clarkson: What? What do you mean?
Kaleb: What- what have you been doing?!
Clarkson: Going up and down!
Kaleb: Going up and down like this?
Clarkson: No! I went up and then went across like that.
Kaleb: What did I say at the start?
Clarkson: You said "Don't do that" but I couldn't see why.
[Kaleb facepalms]
Kaleb: Oh, that sign of me going up there is not happening! We're going to have a sign saying "Guess Who Drilled This? Jeremy, Kaleb?"
Clarkson: Well, what's the matter with that?
Kaleb: I said every eight time you're putting a tramline in. Your tramlines are gonna be everywhere! Down here you're gonna have tramline tramline tramline tramline tramline every three meters. On this bit here, you're gonna have no tramlines. When I come to spray it and fertilize it, how do I know where to drive?
Clarkson: Guess? I don't know, I don't know what I'm doing in there!
[Kaleb facepalms]
Clarkson: I'll do it properly now, or is it too late?
Kaleb: Oh it's too late! You're pretty much screwed! And you haven't even drilled it straight!
Clarkson: What do you mean I haven't drilled it straight?
Kaleb: THAT'S AS STRAIGHT AS A ROUNDABOUT![Clarkson realizes he has royally screwed up]
Clarkson: I'll buy you a drink later and you feel better.
[Clarkson embarks his tractor]
Clarkson: I'm in so much trouble!
[Kaleb slams his tractor door][Clarkson discovers that his field of rapeseed has failed]
Voiceover Clarkson: The next day, there was even more trouble. Most of the oilseed rape fields planted earlier by the previous farmer were fine.
Charlie: So we've got nice rows of rape, which has come up really well.
Clarkson: Yeah.
Voiceover Clarkson: But in one...
Clarkson: Why isn't it growing?
Charlie: The flea beetle got hold of it, so...
Clarkson: What?
Charlie: Whereas the, uh, further up there...
Clarkson: No, no, I'm sorry, this has been planted?
Charlie: This has been planted.
Clarkson: Well, where's the rape gone?
Charlie: Well, it's failed. It's- it's gone. We might find the odd plant in the middle, but I'll show you what's happened.
Clarkson: The whole field's failed?!
Charlie: Yeah. Just the little black beetle have come in and they've just foraged it.
Clarkson: The whole bloody lot?!
Charlie: Yup. All four hectares, ten acres of it. You know, there comes a point that, you know...
Clarkson: There is- (stammers) there's- I just- because of a beetle?!
Charlie: Yup.[torrential rainfall]
Clarkson: I figured as I climbed back in my tractor that things couldn't get any worse. But I was wrong. Very wrong.
[thunder rumbling]
Clarkson: The next day, it started to rain again, and this time it didn't really stop for the next six weeks.[Clarkson reads the news]
Clarkson: I used to while away my evening hours reading car magazines but not any more. Nowadays it's Farmer's Weekly and it's Farmer's Guardian and all they're talking about is the rain, the unbelievable levels of rain we've been having. Look, "Deluge Disaster", "Biblical", and inside that's the only topic of conversation as far as I can work out. That's all there is, just rain rain rain rain rain rain rain. "Farms sacrificed to protect homes from rising floodwater." "Worst autumn leaves winter crops undrilled." This poor guy hasn't planted a single thing! Can't plant anything, it's too wet! Look at that poor sod! Look at that for a farm! What's he gonna do? Everyone is saying to me "You couldn't have picked a worse year to start farming. You couldn't." This is unbelievable weather! Unbelievable! Oh God! (sighs)
Sheeping
- [Clarkson talks the viewers through his rationale for buying sheep]
Clarkson: This part of the farm is so ecological and diverse, that DEFRA,note which is the Department of... something, Food and Rural Affairs gives me actual cash money to not grow crops on it; all I have to do in return is mow it once a year, and that gave me an idea. Instead of using a machine to mow it, why not use sheep? Sheep keep everything nice and tidy, and they fertilize the soil and I can sell their babies for a profit! It's a genius business plan! I'm basically Alan Sugar in wellies![Clarkson's initial conversation with Kevin]
Voiceover Clarkson: To guide me through this woolly labyrinth, I spoke to Kevin from the National Sheep Association, which hilariously, is known as the NSA.
Clarkson: Is there like a Friesian Bull Institute? Like FBI and CIA and NSA?
Kevin: I can't say too much about that.[Clarkson talks about his wall height]
Kevin: Well it's hardly Mexico, is it?[Clarkson's observations about the North Country Mules]
Clarkson: Kevin had assured me that North Country Mules are very calm sheep. But when they came into the auction ring, there was some evidence to suggest... they're not.[Clarkson's auction experiences]
Clarkson: By nodding occasionally, I seemed to be buying stuff. And I was! At the end of the sale, I had spent a whopping £11,000. But on the upside, I was now a sheep farmer.[Clarkson using his "innovation" to set up an electric fence]
Clarkson: Now what they want me to do is walk around the field with this. Three times. Well I'm not going to.
[Clarkson uses his Range Rover to fix up the fence]
Clarkson: God, I am clever.[Clarkson tests out his electric fence and gets shocked in the process]
Clarkson: Argh! You bastard![Clarkson and his barking drone]
Clarkson: In just 25 minutes, I've completely mastered sheeping.
[sheep begin rampaging into the village]
Lisa: Jeremy, you're going too fast! I can't stop them going into the village!
Clarkson: Oh no, shit! For heavens... please stop![Clarkson is exhausted]
Clarkson: Phew. I'm going to have a coronary...
Lisa: How fast do they move?! I mean, this thing is good!
Clarkson: I mean, as you know, I am an incredible athlete and can run at phenomenal speeds, but I can't keep up with the sheep![Clarkson's barking drone no longer works]
Clarkson: A few days later, having eaten everything in their new field, the sheeps needed to be moved again.
[barking drone flies into action]
Clarkson: And this time, I discovered that sheep are not only the most sickly animals in the world, they're also... the most disobedient.[Clarkson gives up]
Clarkson: Fuck it. Go live in that field. Get run over. See if I care!
[cuts to close-up camera]
Clarkson: I fucking hate sheep. I fucking hate them! I cannot wait to eat them. I cannot wait![Clarkson introduces Gerald]
Voiceover Clarkson: Along with the gum-chewing insolence, the sheep were also extremely destructive.
Clarkson: This is stupid!
Voiceover Clarkson: Still, this relentless vandalism does provide work for a wonderful local chap called Gerald.
[Clarkson waves to Gerald from his car]
Clarkson: Hi, Gerald.
Voiceover Clarkson: I love chatting with him, even though most of the time, I'm never entirely sure what we're chatting about.[Clarkson investigates the problem with water sources]
Clarkson: Feeling like Jean de Florette, I set about investigating the problem.[Clarkson tries water divining]
Voiceover Clarkson: To humor him, I said I'd wander about with his coat hangers, but, when I passed a trough full of rain water...
Clarkson: Look at that. That is bizarre! Look at- look at that! Ha ha! That's astonishing![Clarkson deduces there is a tank nearby]
Clarkson: Having used witchcraft to establish the pipes still exist, I reckoned that somewhere, there must be a tank that fed them all, and that logically, it would be located on high ground.[Clarkson gets back to sheeping]
Clarkson: Sadly, that job would have to wait, because it was time for the girl sheep to make some babies, and the man with the boy sheep had arrived.[Kevin suggests to Clarkson to hire a shepherd]
Kevin: You ever thought about getting a bloody shepherd or something that will do it for you? Better than you ringing me up all the time![Clarkson in awe of Ellen's shepherding abilities]
Clarkson: Look at how she's doing that, just whistling.[Clarkson and Ellen separate the two rams]
Clarkson: Next we had to separate Wayne and Leo from their woolly harem.[Clarkson talking about Ellen's skillsets]
Clarkson: There was absolutely no doubting about Ellen's shepherding skills; I just wish I could say the same... about her driving.[Clarkson takes pot shots at Ellen]
Clarkson: We ought to get these rams out then before it goes dark.
Ellen: Yep. We'll put them in the trailer and then move them.
Clarkson: Shall I- shall I bring it around, because... I have just reversed that in a tight spot and didn't hit anything.
Ellen: Well done.
Clarkson: Unlike some people.
[Ellen bursts into laughter][Clarkson admits to Charlie that buying sheep was probably a bad idea]
Clarkson: That was a bad business choice.
[Charlie nods]
Clarkson: Thanks for dropping by.
Charlie: You're very welcome.
Clarkson: With your gloominess.
Charlie: Reality.[Clarkson is perplexed at the existence of an accident book]
Clarkson: So it's a woke accident book?[Clarkson gloats about his tractor]
Clarkson: Ha ha! Too big my arse!
Shopping
- [Clarkson buying ingredients for a ploughman's lunch]
Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Clarkson: Uh, yeah, because nobody will believe me otherwise.[Clarkson has an idea]
Voiceover Clarkson: This however turned out to be a wise investment, because on the way home, a five-million watt lightbulb went on in my head.
Clarkson: Farm shop! Why would I not do that?! If I put up a little barn somewhere, fill it with all the produce that comes off the farm... that's not a bad idea!
Clarkson: In fact, it was a brilliant idea. And I even had a location in mind.[Clarkson talks about the proposed site]
Clarkson: This isn't used for farming; it's just waste ground. There's a road there, gate there, so there's good access, but best of all, behind these trees, come and look.
[Clarkson walks towards the gate]
Clarkson: Through this little gate here, caravan site. Endlessly changing customers. And they'll never be able to tell the people the following week how bad my shop is, if it is bad! No bad word of mouth![Clarkson checks on his potatoes]
Clarkson: So, after Alan suggested I go and do something else, I went on to check on the small patch of experimental potatoes I planted on spec a few months earlier.[Clarkson sees his potatoes]
Clarkson: I'VE GROWN A THING!
[Clarkson finds more potatoes]
Clarkson: Another one! There's millions of them! There's like, five! Look at that![Clarkson attempts to use a topping machine]
Kaleb: Jeremy, can you hear me? It's Kaleb.
Clarkson: Yeah, got you.
Kaleb: Might want to drop the topper down. It might help a little bit.
[Clarkson realizes]
Kaleb: Rookie error.
Clarkson: Yeah, yeah, I knew that. I'm just gonna go back to the start now and actually do that it with the topper lowered. Because I think that will make a huge difference.[Clarkson talks about Chris Tarrant]
Clarkson: So he beat me to the Chadlington water story, and then he beat me to Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?. I just live in the man's shadow.[Clarkson describes his Lumag mini-dumper]
Clarkson: Single-cylinder engine, 0.16 liters, top speed: 3. I'm gonna call it the James May.[Clarkson writes a business plan]
Clarkson: Having typed in every phrase I've ever heard on The Apprentice, I submitted a business plan, and amazingly, it worked! Because shortly after, planning permission was granted.[Clarkson names his chickens]
Clarkson: So we're gonna call them- not Free Range Chickens, but "Good Exercise Chickens".[Clarkson and Kaleb build a fence]
Clarkson: And so, the next day, we reconvened to build the fence.
Kaleb: Hold it from the bottom of the post. Square it up.
Clarkson: Using a machine Kaleb called...
[fence post driver hits fence]
Clarkson: His "man-killer".[Clarkson slogs the entire day building fences]
Clarkson: And so the day continued under the lash of the rural Ant Middleton.[Clarkson asks an important question]
Clarkson: Does a chicken... lay eggs out of its arse... or its va-gina?[Clarkson is informed about particles in the drinking water feeding his house]
Clarkson: "A positive coliform sample should be considered an indication of feces in your source." The pond that feeds the house where I live... is riddled with literally everything in such vast quantities, that... well, it explains why I'm so full of shit, because that's what I've been living on these last few years. It's just a torrent of turds.[Clarkson checks on the contents of his honesty box]
Voiceover Clarkson: As it turned out, the honesty box attracted people who were honest. Mostly.
Clarkson: Somebody has left me this bottle top... because they are cunts.note But some people... have left actual money![Clarkson's honesty box scheme works]
Clarkson: OH, I'M JUST SO RICH![Clarkson records a commercial for the trailer park]
Clarkson: Hi, I'm Jeremy Clarkson, and as I've always said, you can't beat a caravan holiday!
Voiceover Clarkson: A site like this offers Camping and Caravan Club members access to the great outdoors for as little as £41 a year.
Clarkson: I think it's brightening up.
Voiceover Clarkson: And it's a great place to enjoy some al fresco dining, or maybe a bit of sport, with people from all walks of life.
Clarkson: So come on, beat those Brexit blues and take your holiday this year in a good old British field. You won't regret it! Cheers![Clarkson describes the farm shop]
Clarkson: It's like Fortnum & Mason's, in my mind.
Alan: It's what?
Clarkson: Oh, don't say you don't know what Fortnum & Mason's is.
Alan: Not a clue.
Clarkson: It's a big shop in Piccadilly.
Alan: You've done that- you've done that fucking deliberate.
Clarkson: Harrods. It's like Harrods.
Alan: Alright, we know what Harrods is.[Alan lectures Clarkson on global warming]
Clarkson: Alright, I'm gonna go find something to sell. It's just never gonna stop raining, isn't it?
Alan: Stop raining?! It hasn't stopped for eight weeks! Let me tell you summa'; this is global warming. You racing about all your life in vehicles!
Clarkson: I'm sorry, what car is that over there?
[Clarkson points to Alan's van]
Alan: No, mine is electric, that van! Thirty years of you boutin' about in them, and other people, ruined our fuckin' world for next generation!
Clarkson: Just unbelievable horse shit![Clarkson shares his opinions on Twitter]
Clarkson: Twitter now is just an opportunity for very left-wing people to express increasingly left-wing views to other left-wing people.[Kaleb gives Clarkson a suggestion about what could be done with unsold potatoes]
Kaleb: There's a thing that you can actually go and have a potato fight with people. Get there, get drunk and you can chuck potatoes with each other![Clarkson complains about the council's lack of availability]
Clarkson: Is it 1974? Have I been asleep and woken up in the '70s? Come on![Clarkson sees the crowd gathering in front of his shop]
Clarkson: Holy cow! Oh my giddy aunt. No, seriously, look down there. Look down there: it is quite literally as far as the eye can see. Oh my God, what have I done?![Clarkson hears the earnings call for the day]
Clarkson: I'm a human tripod![Lisa puts the potato issue into sharp focus]
Lisa: We have sold so many potatoes. And we have so many left, Jeremy.[Clarkson talks about the next day]
Voiceover Clarkson: But no matter: the shop was now on the map and there was always tomorrow. Except, as it turned out, there wasn't.
[shot shows the shop locked up]
Clarkson: I've been closed down. I have in my hand a piece of paper from the council; they're unhappy with the tin roof, they say they want it to be made of slate. And obviously, if they're not happy, I don't have planning permission and if I don't have planning permission I can't be open. Which means this is the shortest farm shop business in history. Something will go right one day, it has to. It has to.
Wilding
- [Clarkson explains his rationale for wilding]
Clarkson: The problem is that as farm equipment has got bigger and more efficient, fields have had to get bigger and more efficient, which means that since the war, Britain has lost 140,000 miles of hedgerows. It's lost 40% of its ancient woodlands. It's lost 97% of all its wildflower meadows. Everywhere where insects like to live is disappearing. And I've decided to do something about that.[Clarkson views the trap camera footage for presence of water voles]
Clarkson: I've seen more wildlife in Paul McCartney's fridge.[Clarkson drives an excavator]
Clarkson: The speed![Clarkson loses control of his excavator]
Clarkson: It's movi- I'm not touching anything and I'm just moving down. Oh shit. I'm just skidding, I'm just skidding! Shit, shit![Clarkson finds a trench he dug has inadvertently filled with water]
Clarkson: It's filled up with water! A lot of water! And that's happened in... an hour! Shit![Lisa gives Clarkson a lecture]
Clarkson: That piece of string is the dam.
Lisa: What?!
[Lisa inspects the dam]
Lisa: Sorry, where is our pond?! This is not what we discussed!
Clarkson: The pond's down there! It's already a pond, but it shouldn't be just yet! So I can't work on that, so I'm working on this wetland now.
Lisa: I have no idea what this means! What the fuck are you doing up here? This is just a-
Clarkson: It's a wetland area! It'll flood onto this bit and create a wetland area for insects.
[Lisa inspects Clarkson's work]
Lisa: Holy shit, Jeremy! What are you gonna do with all this soil?! Nothing's gonna come and live here!
[Lisa sees more damage that Clarkson caused]
Lisa: (gasp)
Clarkson: Well you know the movie 1917? They wanted to see if this would do as a follow-up.
Lisa: Is that not good enough for you, that mess you've done there and you had to do another mess up there?!
Clarkson: Yeah, Sam Mendes called, he's thinking of doing 1918.
Lisa: What was wrong with that mess? Why did you have to do a new mess?!
Clarkson: Why does everyone shout at me all the time?! Literally, I get up in the morning and people shout at me. Kaleb shouts at me, Charlie shouts at me...[Kaleb goes on a rant about Clarkson]
Kaleb: Fucking idiot. If you didn't get the fucking thing stuck, I wouldn't have come down here to get you unstuck. Now I think I'm going to fucking fall over... fucking hell...[Kaleb and Clarkson communicate to get their tractors unstuck]
Kaleb: Really slowly, that's it, keep that tight, okay?
Clarkson: Yeah, I've never driven anything before so keep the advice coming.
[Clarkson realizes something]
Clarkson: Oh shit, I'm not in four-wheel drive. He's gonna kill me.[Clarkson attempting to describe the finished form of his wilding project to Charlie]
Clarkson: But imagine this. Come down here and use your imagination, okay? What you're seeing now is just the Somme. Yeah?
Charlie: Yeah, no, no, I can see that. That's- that's-
Clarkson: But now, thin your eyes. A kingfisher on that branch there, a family of otters gamboling here, down there, perhaps a heron waiting for a tasty morsel. This all banked, grass, wildflowers. I mean, ecoists get their cocks out for this kind of thing, don't they?[Clarkson justifying his actions]
Clarkson: I'm doing it for the sake of nature, which I like.
Charlie: Correct.
Clarkson: I'm not gonna have somebody with an O level in biology coming along telling me "Oh, well you've ruined the habitat." It's only a few anthills got knocked over.[Clarkson admits fault]
Clarkson: The truth is, though, that I had made a mess. So there was only one thing for it: get Kaleb to tidy everything up.
Kaleb: Jesus.[Clarkson describes his John Deere wheeled tree harvester]
Clarkson: It is an eight-wheel drive articulated half-million pound maths machine.[Clarkson chats with Roy Dennis]
Clarkson: Can I just say, Roy, two things. One, I thought Ron Dennis was coming, and he's a very different sort of man.
[Roy laughs]
Clarkson: And secondly I'm very jealous of your binoculars. I had a pair identical to that. They're in a Porsche at a police station in Argentina.[Clarkson has a plan]
Clarkson: To attract more owls, I decided that I should carpet bomb the whole farm with owl boxes where they could live.[Clarkson assembles an owl box wrongly]
Clarkson: Oh for-[Clarkson counts the items for this project]
Clarkson: Cement, rope, power drill and some owl boxes that I made. That I didn't order from Amazon at all, not at all.[Clarkson notices that he did something wrong]
Clarkson: Oh no, wait a minute. Mate...
Kaleb: Yeah.
Clarkson: That is nowhere near straight.
Kaleb: It's really not!
Clarkson: But, on the upside, we did forget to put the owl box on the top of it. Shit![Clarkson talks about his dam]
Clarkson: Built the dam with all this clay along the front of it, but God has looked at my endeavors and said "Yes, but I've made this hole here." You can see the whirlpool, look. "And all the water shall go through that and go under your dam."
Voiceover Clarkson: That night, God did a full Guy Gibson number, which meant that I had to forget about the owls and do some repair work.[Clarkson asks an important question]
Clarkson: So if a man bee stings you it dies, and if a man bee has sex, its penis comes off. Is that true?
Viktor: Yeah.
Clarkson: That would be annoying.[Clarkson gets stung]
Clarkson: So as soon as the big burly Ukrainian has turned his back, I'm going to roll around on the ground going "I'VE BEEN STUNG!"[Clarkson's monologue on badgers]
Clarkson: (whispering) I HATE badgers. Apart from the fact they've eaten just about every hedgehog in Britain, they're like teenagers. They lie in bed all day, get up at night, transmit diseases, knock walls over and then when the sun comes up, they go back to bed again.
(switches back to normal voice)
Clarkson: Today, however... they wouldn't be getting any sleep at all.[Kevin comments on Clarkson's gloves]
Kevin: They your driving gloves?
Clarkson: No!
Kevin: I've never seen a sheep farmer wearing gloves like that.[Clarkson gets back to his wilding project]
Clarkson: Today's the day when I create a channel, let's call it the Suez, between the stream and the open-cast mine that I've dug, using nothing more than Kaleb's miserable little digger.[Clarkson brags about his accomplishments to Kaleb]
Clarkson: Behold what I have created! I am- I am Moses!
Kaleb: Who's Moses?[Clarkson gets ready to add trout to his wilding project]
Clarkson: Are they gonna be alright falling from that height?
Tim: That's the way to do it. I'm sure you've seen the photos of the Herculeses
dropping trout into the Great Lakes in Canada - which they do from aeroplanes.
Clarkson: No.
Tim: The splash of them going in there is absolutely fine, and that wakes them up and we'll let them go away. If you just gently net them in, the fish will lie on the side and drown at the bottom.
Clarkson: What?! So they're like sheep, but with fins?
Tim: Yes.[Clarkson on his dam]
Clarkson: Finally, some good news on the dam front. It's holding water. It's taken me... three weeks? I've ruined two shirts, four pairs of jeans snd broken two of Kaleb's battery-operated power drills, but I've done it. Look at this!
[Clarkson sees the dam leaking water]
Clarkson: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
Pan (dem) icking
- [Clarkson talking about his lambs]
Clarkson: There are very, very few pleasures in life as great as opening the fridge door and finding a surprise piece of cold lamb in there. Slice it up, white bread, thin layer of butter.
Kevin: And chutney?
Clarkson: No, 'cause then you don't taste the lamb.[Clarkson's thoughts on the situation]
Clarkson: As February gave way to March, I figured there was really only one thing to worry about: the impending birth of my lambs. But then, out of nowhere, there was a second thing to worry about.[Clarkson's thoughts on COVID-19]
Kaleb: How are you?
Clarkson: Well, scared shitless.
Kaleb: Are you?
Clarkson: You're... 22.
Kaleb: 21.
Clarkson: 21. I'm pushing 60, I've smoked three-quarters of a million cigarettes, I've had pneumonia so my lungs are scarred. If I get it...
Kaleb: Yeah, there's not a lot of hope.
Clarkson: It's a worry, this.[Kaleb airs his grievances]
Kaleb: The only thing I'm pissed off about is I haven't had my perm done.
Clarkson: What?
Kaleb: I haven't had my perm done.
[Clarkson begins laughing]
Kaleb: Yesterday, I was gonna have my perm done, but it got canceled.
Clarkson: What, by the hairdresser?
Kaleb: Yeah, because of the coronavirus.
Clarkson: This was gonna be your big new hairstyle?
Kaleb: It was, yeah, the next step of the new Kaleb.
Clarkson: Yeah, well, I'm not sure that's gonna make the news.[Clarkson takes pot shots]
Clarkson: I mean, it's so funny. The government said three weeks ago "We think that the idea that British farmers make food for British people is old-fashioned and ridiculous. Buy your food from abroad and we'll just turn the countryside into a big nature park." Now, listen; watch 'em.[Clarkson's thoughts on lamb birthing]
Clarkson: At the front, every Easter card made real. At the back, I mean, not even John Carpenter has thought of anything that revolting.[Kaleb's disinterest in sheep]
Kaleb: Y'know, sheep, I just don't get on well with them. Jeremy's got this to come; y'know, it's summer, it's really hot, he's really busy on the tractor try'na get the corn in, all of a sudden, he sees in the distance there's one sheep twitchin'. So he goes "I'll have a look at that.", all of sudden there's maggots dropping out of it, you know, or its got its head stuck in a fence and killed itself, 'cause you know for a damn fact it's gonna happen. It's all good when they're lambin'. "Oh, look at that cute lamb!" You wait! Come summer, and they're all getting out and running around the place, he's gonna go "Fucking sheep!"[Clarkson's comments on castrating lambs]
Clarkson: He's just been born, "I'm a man, I've got everything I need- oh no, she's put a rubber band 'round them."[Clarkson asks an important question]
Clarkson: So, you know Leo and Wayne then, now they're in the field, will they be having a go on each other when we're not looking?
Ellen: They won't all the time but every now and again they might. But they still know what to do when it comes to the girls.
Clarkson: Are the ladies- do they do it as well?
Ellen: Not as much, no.
Clarkson: So there's very few lesbian action then?
Ellen: Yeah.
Clarkson: So it's not like the Internet.[Clarkson gets ready to plant vegetables]
Clarkson: Eager to escape from Little Bo-Peep's torture chamber, I went out into the fields and fired up something called the "roller": the most Thunderbirds-y farm machine in my entire arsenal.[Clarkson admires his roller]
Clarkson: Oh, I want- ah, I was gonna say I want one of these. I've actually got one of these. I like it! Why haven't I used that before?![Clarkson's rationale for planting vegetables]
Clarkson: So. Despite warnings from Kaleb and Cheerful Charlie that my thinking was idiotic, I was going to plant four acres of vegetables on the basis that in a lockdown world, veg from abroad would soon be in short supply.[Clarkson's thoughts on farming during lockdown]
Clarkson: It does slightly worry me that I'm gonna get this virus. I read the other day that 90% of the world's 570 million farms are run by either one man or one family, so if that man or family gets the virus, the farm dies. Farmers are actually being urged to keep diaries so that if somebody is able to come and take over from them they know what to do, but I mean, what do I write in a diary? Who do I tell? Everybody's sitting at home watching Joe Wicks, wiping their arse on their lavatory paper![Clarkson's vegetables arrive]
Clarkson: Eventually the preparatory work was done and a couple of days later, the vegetable sets arrived, along with Jethro Tull's old planting machine.[Kaleb, Lisa and Clarkson cannot decide who drives]
Lisa: Oh, I'm planting in the back, I'm not driving?
Kaleb: Yeah, I'm- I'm driving.
Clarkson: Are you?
Kaleb: Yeah, yeah.
Lisa: Oh, have you decided already?
Kaleb: I have; I'm the tractor driver.
Lisa: Well, let's have a vote. I'll drive.
Kaleb: I'll drive.
Clarkson: But I'm... famous for driving.
Kaleb: Yeah...
[Kaleb dismisses Clarkson][the trio use the planting machine]
Voiceover Clarkson: Having hitched Mr. Tull's veg machine to Lisa's 60-year old tractor, and wheelied it to the field, we were ready for an afternoon of quiet farming... the old-fashioned way.
Clarkson: Here we go.
[cacophony of squeaking noises from the machine][the trio finish planting]
Clarkson: After we had been rendered completely deaf by the endless squeaking, it was a blessed relief to get back to the maternity ward. Unfortunately though, I was there on my own.[Clarkson births a sheep on his own]
Clarkson: OH, YOU'RE ALIVE! I DID A THING![Clarkson watches a lamb learning how to walk]
Clarkson: It's like watching a Ford Cortina start in the 1960s. (imitates car starting noises) God, in normal times, I'd go and celebrate this in the pub. But all the pubs are shut.[Clarkson talks about Kaleb's work schedule]
Clarkson: Whilst my life was being run by the sheep, key worker Kaleb was spending every waking hour in the fields. This meant he was able to spot all the mistakes I'd made when I planted the crops four months earlier, including what appeared to be a massive Brazilian.[Clarkson boasts about his ingenuity]
Clarkson: Right, there's a bit- ah, I'll admit there's a bit of space there. Oh no, wait. It's here, isn't it?
Kaleb: Yeah. What's that? 40? Was that 40?
Clarkson: It's about 34, 35 meters, this one. But, I did solve the problem!
Kaleb: Go on.
Clarkson: Well, you know you were worried that people on the main road would see these tramlines all in the wrong place?
Kaleb: Which they did.
Clarkson: What?
Kaleb: Which they did.
Clarkson: No.
Kaleb: Yes.
Clarkson: No, cause I didn't trim that hedge! Ha ha! Look, here comes a van, right, watch, here comes the van behind the rape, he's going "Oh that's good rape, that's good rape.", gets to this field, and he's thinking "Oh I wonder how he's done there- and I can't see, can't see." Look, he can't see it, his window's below the hedge! Come on! That's how you solve problems![Clarkson explains his rationale behind opening the shop despite not having planning permission]
Clarkson: Situation is, there's massive panic buying going on- that's fallen over. There's massive panic buying going on of food and bog roll everywhere, huge queues at the supermarkets, so I thought I'd open the shop; I know I'm not supposed to 'cause of planning permission issues, but we've got more important things to think about right now to be brutally honest.[Clarkson and Lisa total up their earnings]
Clarkson: So, potatoes, how many have we sold?
Lisa: Today?
Clarkson: Yeah.
Lisa: Er, £12.50?
Clarkson: I used to get paid a bit more than that on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?, you know.[Clarkson spots a stray bottle of beer]
Clarkson: Oh no, look what I've just found in this puddle!
Lisa: Ah!
Clarkson: Some lady petrol! THIS is about £12.50!
[Lisa laughs]
Clarkson: Which I've chilled.[Clarkson reflects on recent events]
Clarkson: Life's shit but I'm loving it.[Clarkson chats with Gerald's wife]
Clarkson: Is Gerald alright?
Gerald's wife: Yes, but I think he's gone off.
Clarkson: Yeah, I just haven't seen him for a couple of weeks. I thought, no pubs and no Manchester United, he might be having withdrawal symptoms.
Gerald's wife: Well, he has gone a bit mad, but...
Clarkson: Well, he can cook himself some potatoes, but as long as he's alright.[Clarkson discovers he has been the target of an arson attempt]
Voiceover Clarkson: However, it wasn't all peace and love between me and the locals.
[cut to shot of burning hay bales]
Clarkson: These were some old hay bales that we made into a silo so we could stop grain and stop kids joyriding on this, um, this old airfield. I'm not a detective, but on the ground here, there are some Rizlas, so what I'm thinking is a group of teenagers decided to ignore the lockdown and, um, set my hay on fire. And we know it is arson 'cause they've set fire to that one as well.[Kaleb puts out the fire]
Clarkson: Kaleb then had to stop crop spraying to come and put the fire out. This made him very happy.
[Kaleb begins coughing]
Kaleb: (in the distance) Fuck that!
Kaleb: I've started pushin' it off the concrete but my head feels like it's gonna explode and I feel really sick 'cause the smoke is blowin' straight into the cab. It's just fucking annoying! Some idiot come along and goes "Oh you know what'd be funny? You know, I'll go and start the bales over there with a lighter." And then they would've walked off and went home. 'cause they're twats![Clarkson's further thoughts on lambing]
Clarkson: Besides learning that there isn't much dignity in a lamb funeral...
[Clarkson disposes of the lamb's corpse]
Clarkson: ...I discovered that out in the fields some of the mothers... weren't always very motherly, which meant calling in a neighboring sheep farmer.[Clarkson views the lambs]
Clarkson: Slightly scary to think the field is now littered with little testicles that have fallen off.[Clarkson reflects on his lambing experiences]
Clarkson: Despite the discarded testes though, these lambs had turned my farm into a springtime picture postcard of what Britain can and perhaps should look like. I loved having them around, here in this weird little lockdown Diddly Squat commune.[Clarkson finds an air raid shelter]
Clarkson: A Second World War underground air raid shelter.
[Clarkson sits in shelter]
Clarkson: If COVID-19 gets too much, this is where I'll come then.[Clarkson foreshadows future events]
Clarkson: But once again, it was all about to go horribly wrong.
Melting
- [Clarkson on his hardships as a farmer]
Clarkson: It turns out there's a good reason why farmers always moan about the weather, because it never does what they want it to do. Back in the autumn, when I needed a dry spell to plant my crops, I got this.
[flashback scenes of torrential rain]
Clarkson: It rained non-stop for eight weeks. And then in May when I needed rain to keep those crops alive...
[cut to scorching sun]
Clarkson: ...I got this: the driest spring ever recorded. The drought was certainly not helping in this field; the previous year I had planted it with rapeseed... but that had all been eaten by beetles.[Clarkson has an idea]
Voiceover Clarkson: So rather than let the field sit there doing nothing, I'd come up with one of my brilliant lockdown brainwaves.
Clarkson: I've planted pumpkins for Halloween...
Charlie: Yeah.
Clarkson: ...sweetcorn 'cause I like it...
Charlie: Yeah.
Clarkson: ...and sunflowers 'cause socialists like to eat their seeds apparently.[Charlie asks Clarkson about the water source for the plants]
Charlie: The problem is, Jeremy...
Clarkson: Yes?
Charlie: ...we need to try and get some water on them. How are we gonna water it?
Clarkson: Well, now you see, I'm way ahead of you again. I have bought an vacuum slurry tanker.
Charlie: So you're gonna... spray it on?
Clarkson: Yeah.[Clarkson tries to navigate his tractor through brambles]
Clarkson: If he says my tractor is too big, I'm going to kill him.
Kaleb: Tractor's too bloody big! Look at it, you're catching on the tree! It's gonna take the beacon off![Kaleb rants about pumpkins]
Kaleb: God! The things we'll do for fucking pumpkins![Kaleb pushes a wrong button, spraying Clarkson in the process]
Clarkson: You fucking- YOU RURAL HALFWIT!
Kaleb: (laughter) I pressed the wrong button![Kaleb gives Clarkson a suggestion]
Voiceover Clarkson: Eventually, Kaleb came up with a suggestion that was, in fairness, long overdue.
Kaleb: You gonna let me do it?
Clarkson: Yes![Clarkson learns a lesson]
Clarkson: If at first you don't succeed, sod it. Give it to a teenager.[Kaleb prods the tractor]
Kaleb: Come on, you piece of shit!
Clarkson: It's NOT a piece of shit![Kaleb seeks praise]
[Kaleb slams tractor door]
Kaleb: Well, well, well, well-
Clarkson: Well done, Kaleb.
Kaleb: Thank you very much.
Clarkson: That's very good.
Kaleb: You're very welcome.[Clarkson returns from the stream]
Clarkson: The trip to and from the stream had taken five hours, but now with 1,000 gallons of water onboard, I was back at the field... and ready to give the whole thing a damn good soaking![Clarkson runs out of water]
Clarkson: Soon there will be pumpkins growing in my wake and sweetcorn!
[the tanker runs out of water]
Charlie: He's run out.
Kaleb: He's out.
Charlie: He's run out of water.
Clarkson: Oh, hang on, where's the water gone?[Clarkson asks about the weather forecast]
Clarkson: Yeah, yeah. When's the next rain?
Charlie: Well, there's nothing in the forecast for another fortnight.
Clarkson: (under his breath) Fucking hell...[Clarkson has a solution]
Clarkson: That meant there was only one thing I could do: give Kaleb a hosepipe...
Kaleb: His stupid ideas, all the time!
Clarkson: ...and get an early night.[Clarkson attempts to take the Red Tractor Accreditation virtually]
Clarkson: Soon, the Red Tractor examiner called and I began my first ever Face... Zoom... Time... meeting.[Clarkson told to get back on topic]
Clarkson: Dave politely pointed out that he wanted to see farm equipment, not old Grand Tour props.[Clarkson attempts to find his chemical store]
Dave: Whereabouts is your chemical store, and where are the chemicals currently?
Clarkson: Ah, they're over here in a- in a, uh, shipping container. We thought shipping containers are watertight and secure. Ready?
Dave: Yeah.
[Clarkson opens the container to reveal an Alfa Romeo GTV 6]
Clarkson: Ta da! Oh! Oh sorry, that might be an Alfa Romeo.
Dave: Yeah.
Clarkson: It's...[Clarkson gets his accreditation]
Voiceover Clarkson: Eventually, with my phone battery on 2%, I had to cut to the chase.
Clarkson: David, what I really want to know- I appreciate there are two things that we've got wrong, the sand pit and the, um, muddy trailer.
Dave: Yes.
Clarkson: But is- are we gonna be okay?
Dave: Yes.
Voiceover Clarkson: This made me very proud.
Clarkson: I'VE DONE A THING![Kaleb proves to Clarkson that sheep were a bad investment]
Kaleb: Grass is worth a lot of money at the minute.
Clarkson: Is it?
Kaleb: Mhm, hay.
Clarkson: Is it?
Kaleb: Mhm. Cut some hay, bale it, put it in the shed, guarantee, 'cause no one's had a very good cut.
Clarkson: Well the sheeps's had most of the hay away.
Kaleb: Yeah.
Clarkson: Which you don't like, again.
Kaleb: No. I mean, if you'd have not had the sheep, cut that for hay, you'd have made more money on the hay than you would have the sheep.
Clarkson: Well I haven't made any money on the sheep.
Kaleb: Exactly; you've lost loads.
Clarkson: (under his breath) Yeah.
Kaleb: But what would you have lost if you'd cut it for hay?
Clarkson: (under his breath) Nothing.
Kaleb: Exactly. And there's my point again: fuck the sheep.[Clarkson shows off his solar-powered water pump]
Clarkson: Solar-powered water pump.
Kaleb: That's not gonna work, is it? Be realistic.
Clarkson: I don't think it is either, but I'm going to give nature a chance.
Kaleb: Okay.
Clarkson: God has provided us with this power station in the sky and we're going to try and use it.[Clarkson and Kaleb have second thoughts]
Kaleb: You could piss faster than that.
Clarkson: That is just... lamentable. You know what the solution is, mate?
Kaleb: What's that?
Clarkson: Internal combustion. It's the solution to everything: speed and power.[Clarkson buys a gasoline generator]
Voiceover Clarkson: I therefore went shopping, and soon we had some meaty hoses and a generator that ran on the amber nectar that is petrol.
Clarkson: Solar power my arse![Kaleb's boot is stuck in the mud]
Kaleb: Uh...
Clarkson: Oh.
Kaleb: Problem.
Clarkson: Ba ha ha!
Kaleb: Could you go and get it for me?
Clarkson: Yeah, of course.
[Clarkson "attempts" to get Kaleb's boot unstuck]
Clarkson: No, that's stuck fast mate, sorry, nothing I can do about that.
[Kaleb attempts to get his boot unstuck, whereupon he gets doused by the solar-powered pump by Clarkson]
Kaleb: (squeals) You bastard!
Clarkson: Well you got me in the tractor the other day, that is payback.[Clarkson realizes that his generator is too powerful]
Clarkson: Right, as I've always said: speed and power doesn't work. Solar power's the answer.[Clarkson attempts to plant some trees]
Clarkson: With the wetlands sorted, I plunged into my next project: planting some trees for the government, which in the driest May on record is not the sort of job your right leg will thank you for.[Clarkson comments on the trees]
Clarkson: You know what I just thought of? If I plant a tree, by the time it's an actual tree, I'll be dead. So I'm doing all this work for... a bunch of ingrates and millennials. I need to speed this up.[Clarkson comments on the trees]
Clarkson: And this is what I've ended up with: twenty new trees. Good for insects, good for birds which will nest in them. I don't normally like trees, but I like these ones 'cause they've all got exhaust pipes.[Clarkson asks Charlie an important question]
Clarkson: I appreciate it, we're doing it for all the right reasons: feed the world, keep the crops healthy. Long term though, some people are saying - I mean they're probably scaremongers, but nevertheless - they're saying that in this country we only have 90 or 100 harvests left before the topsoil is dead. Am I allowed to be a bit worried?
Charlie: It's only right to be worried.[Clarkson comments on the state of his chickens]
Clarkson: Once Charlie and I had finished the crop walk, I turned my attention to a murder mystery. Normally, my hens look like this.
[footage of Clarkson's hens is shown]
Clarkson: But, in the last couple of days, they'd started to look like this.
[footage of a dead hen is shown]
Clarkson: And I just worked out what was going on.[Clarkson gives his reasoning as to why the chickens are being killed]
Clarkson: This is a pastoral scene, you would agree. All the sheep rubbing up against the henhouses; there's nothing pastoral about it though, because what they do is they open the henhouse doors. Not making it up, they rub against the catches until- oh, the blue one, they've opened it. Come on.
[Clarkson beckons the camera crew to follow]
Clarkson: There you go. Come on, clear off. Look, they rub themselves against the catches, so the door opens and the hens can get out. I wonder why they do- I mean, the only reason I can think is that they're bored and they just think "Hey girls, let's just go and let some hens out and see how far they get before they're eaten by the fox." I mean the foxes live in a hole - I can see it actually from here - in that hedge; basically they're living opposite a branch of KFC. The sheep know the foxes are there, they know the hens are here, it's just a game to them![Clarkson contacts Kevin and Ellen for shearing]
Voiceover Clarkson: Kaleb however, dismissed my theory. As we built a fence to stop the problem, he said the sheep were rubbing themselves on the henhouses because they were hot and itchy, which meant it was time to shear them.
Clarkson: Well, they- basically they live in this field.
Kevin: Yeah, well, there's a story to tell there, isn't there? That's green and that isn't.
Voiceover Clarkson: So I gave Kevin from the NSA a call and he was keen to hear how I'd got on with the lambing.[Kevin finds out how Clarkson did with the lambing]
Clarkson: Overall, all the lambs have survived, except one.
Kevin: That's good.
Clarkson: I did put my hand up one's bottom, by mistake. Bet you've done that.
Kevin: ...no.
Clarkson: It was a honest mistake! I didn't do it on purpose![Clarkson tries his hand at fleece rolling]
Kevin: Right. You're looking for a job, I assume.
Voiceover Clarkson: Kevin then set me to work rolling up the fleeces.
Kevin: Alright, throw it out.
[Kevin throws the fleece]
Kevin: Can you tell which was the back end from the neck?
Clarkson: I reckon that's the back.
Kevin: No, that's the neck.
Clarkson: Yeah, I knew that.
Kevin: A bit of poo there, look.
Clarkson: Yeah, that's shit, yeah.
Kevin: Need to take any poo off like that, roll it up tight, bring the neck round... and stuff it in there.[Clarkson reconsiders his job]
Clarkson: This one was crapping- how's it got crap at the back and the front?! Look, its- its crapped everywhere! Its got it on its feet!
Voiceover Clarkson: I immediately decided rolling wasn't for me.[Clarkson attempts to shear a sheep]
Clarkson: Right. First of all, I gotta be calm, give them no sense that I'm gonna roll them on their back in a moment. Just talking to you, sheep psychology. Here we go.
Kevin: She already knows you're after her.
Clarkson: Of course she does! Stay calm Kev, stay calm. Let's have no panicking from you two.
Kevin: Put your hand on her chin.
[Clarkson wrangles the sheep]
Clarkson: I've done a thing!
[Clarkson gets wrangled to the ground]
Ellen: We got her.
Clarkson: Well, yeah, but she's on me.
Kevin: The next move is head.
Clarkson: I'm gonna get kicked! Argh, it's got me in the testes! Oh, that's it! Right...
[Clarkson, Kevin and Ellen laugh]
Clarkson: I CAN'T wrestle sheep.[Clarkson attempts to shear a second time]
Ellen: Her head stays forward.
Clarkson: That side.
[sheep begins to flail]
Clarkson: Oh God! I'll just- look, I'll settle her down. Where are you going on your holidays this year? There you go, see, now we've got a relaxed relationship going on.
[sheep kicks Clarkson]
Clarkson: Woooh! In the inner thigh!
[Clarkson pants]
Clarkson: Fucking hell, that's impossible![Clarkson talks to Ellen and Kevin]
Clarkson: I couldn't believe the idea of holding a sheep down, already you need to be an octopus to do that. Already you need eight legs and you need to be strong.
Ellen: Yeah.
Clarkson: Then it's lying there, thrashing its head around and looking for a weak spot in you, while you're operating a thing that would have your hand off...
Ellen: Yeah.
Clarkson: ...as quick as anything. I mean the old dog I thought was impressive and now you're more impressive than your dog![Clarkson is reassigned to rolling]
Voiceover Clarkson: After the sheep debacle, I was put back on rolling duties.
Clarkson: "And how did you spend the day, Jeremy?" "Well, ripping dingleberries out of shaved sheeps's coats!"[Clarkson has a proposal]
Clarkson: Why do people wear tracksuits? Why don't we make tracksuits illegal? And football shirts illegal? Illegal! You can only wear woolen clothing.
Kevin: We're right behind you!
Clarkson: Right, no more track suits.
Kevin: Woolly underpants.
Clarkson: Woolly underpants.[Clarkson makes a statement]
Clarkson: Well you didn't tell me about the need to bring beer to a sheep shearing, and you didn't tell me sheep have two holes at the back.[Clarkson reflects on owning sheep]
Clarkson: This is the very field where I first had the idea to keep sheep; I thought they'd be a cheap and easy way of keeping the grass down, ecologically. (scoffs) But seriously, I could have done this field, mown it completely in the tractor in... an hour, would have cost me a tenner in diesel. But no! Jeremy knows best! I shall keep sheep! (bursts into laughter) What was I thinking of?! I quite enjoyed having them though.[Clarkson on the heatwave's effects]
Clarkson: So, the newly-trimmed sheep were now equipped to deal with the heat, which is more than could be said of my new trees. Even though we were watering them constantly, they were all shedding their leaves... and dying. And it was the same story everywhere. I'd be harvesting the crops in six weeks time, and the big question was: would they all be just shriveled husks by then?
Fluffing
- [Clarkson works on his bottling plant]
Voiceover Clarkson: With the all-hands-on-deck harvest frenzy nearly upon us, I had to work fast to complete all the other projects I'd started earlier in the farming year. And so with the sun continuing to blaze down from a cloudless sky, I decided to begin with what I thought would be the coolest job of them all.
Clarkson: Seven hundred glass bottles.
Voiceover Clarkson: Helping to set up our newly-finished water bottling plant.[Clarkson drives his telehandler]
Clarkson: This is a speed James May would call "supersonic".[Clarkson moans about the heat]
Voiceover Clarkson: I then discovered that housing the bottling plant in a metal shipping container hadn't been my best idea.
Clarkson: It's too hot for words.
Lisa: Okay, hang on. Let me just show you how it finishes off.
Clarkson: 48.6° at that, at head height.
Lisa: Okay, and then...
Clarkson: 48.6°.[Clarkson continues moaning about the heat]
Clarkson: 49.7°.
Lisa: It's really hot!
Clarkson: If it reaches 50° we're allow to go on strike. Holy shit![Clarkson is relieved]
Clarkson: Finally, though, England reverted to type.
[thunder cracking, followed by montage of rainfall in area]
Clarkson: The end of the drought was all anyone in the area could talk about... I think.[Lisa complains about Clarkon's perceived inaction]
Clarkson: So. Apart from those eggs, 'kay, there's nothing in here that I can see which is from our farm.
Lisa: Well, meet me halfway. Give me anything. Grow something. Make something.
Clarkson: I am growing things!
Lisa: Do something. I've nothing in here from you.[Clarkson uses a smoking machine]
Clarkson: Burn baby burn. (coughs)[Clarkson gets stung]
Clarkson: I just thought... heh heh heh. I'm going to be driving back and all the loose bees are going to go in the car. Yeah, not much I can do about that... oh shit.
[Clarkson is stung]
Clarkson: Ow, Christ! I've got one in my suit! How the fucking hell's that happened- argh! It's stung me right in the arsecheeks!
[Clarkson writhes in pain]
Clarkson: Uuuugh! This, really- this is bad![Clarkson asks an important question]
Clarkson: How can it be legal to drive with a beehive in the back of your car? Argh, I can feel that buttock growing a third buttock.[Clarkson alleviates his wounds]
Clarkson: Talk among yourselves.
[Clarkson drops his pants]
Clarkson: I am just applying Wasp-Eze to my own arsecrack 'cause the crew won't do it. I just don't believe this! A lot of bees there![Clarkson complains about a pricing model]
Clarkson: A lady's just come in, she's said "Well I'll give you £6.50 for it." and Lisa said "Fine."! (scoffs) She just happened to capitalize on an argument and now she's getting that honey for £6.50!
Lisa: (to customer) Yeah, it just arrived this morning.
Clarkson: It's just- this isn't how Asda is run. They don't ask the customers how much they'd like to pay![Kaleb shows off his new car]
Voiceover Clarkson: Whilst I was having a sulk, Kaleb arrived in his new toy.
Clarkson: Oh, look at this!
[Kaleb drives in in his Nissan 350Z]
Clarkson: That's actually very cool, and I just heard you go by earlier.[Kaleb shares an anecdote about his Nissan]
Kaleb: So basically, when I bought it, two days after having it, driving out of Long Com 60 miles an hour, this comes up like that, folds over that. That bit there was bent in.
Clarkson: What, the roof?
Kaleb: Yeah, the roof was about that far from my head in the cab.
Clarkson: What, just from the bonnet?
Kaleb: Yeah, the bonnet.[Clarkson makes comments on Kaleb's new car]
Clarkson: My only slight concern is... this is a GT car, a grand tourer.
Kaleb: Yeah.
Clarkson: A long-distance car. But since you never go further than three miles from where we're standing now...
Kaleb: (laughs) Yeah.
Clarkson: Where's the furthest you've been in it?
Kaleb: Um, Banbury?
Clarkson: Ooh, twelve miles.
Kaleb: Twelve miles, that's it.
Clarkson: What, then you got scared?
Kaleb: Then come home.[Clarkson comments on Kaleb's hair]
Clarkson: Also, are you wearing a hairband?
Kaleb: Yeah, a hairband to keep my hair out of my face.[Clarkson sees his wasabi plants]
Voiceover Clarkson: After Vidal Sassoon had left, I went into the woods to see my wasabi plants, which I'd decided were now ready to be turned into cash. Sadly, though, the recent heatwave... had taken its toll.
Clarkson: Um, as you can see, everything I've planted at this end of the bed has not just died, but totally disappeared. It's got 27 plants, which means... 73 have died. This end, where there's still quite a lot of water coming through, things aren't too bad though.[Clarkson has an idea]
Clarkson: Good thing is all the restaurants recently reopened and the chancellor is even paying people to go and eat in them. So, I can get that down to London, get it into some Japanese restaurant and they'll be amazed!
Voiceover Clarkson: Because I was so busy, obviously I couldn't spare the time to go to London. But luckily, I knew just the man for the job.
[Kaleb stares into nothing]
Voiceover Clarkson: He'd only been to the capital once on a school art trip, and he'd been so scared he hadn't dared get off the coach. But he's all grown up now and at the very least, I figured the trip would give him an opportunity to drive his new car. But no.[Kaleb makes a comment to Clarkson about his assignment]
Kaleb: I think we've got the jobs a little bit wrong today.[Clarkson and Charlie meet to fill paperwork]
Clarkson: I've been looking forward to today 'cause I love form filling!
Charlie: Yeah, yeah, it's quite a useful few hours because, um...
Clarkson: Hours?[Clarkson flips through a form]
Clarkson: So this form...
Charlie: Yeah...
Clarkson: ...which is hundreds of pages long...
Charlie: It's 22 pages long.
Clarkson: I've got better things to do with my time than this![Clarkson attempts to get out of form filling]
Clarkson: How much do they pay?
Charlie: Uh...
Clarkson: Because whatever it is, I'd rather pay it myself than fill in a form.
Charlie: Really? 360 hectares you have...
Clarkson: Yeah.
Charlie: ...and they'll pay you £220. So that's £82,000.
Clarkson: Right, I'll fill in the form.[Clarkson complains about form filling]
Clarkson: Have you ever been to a really sort of, let's say developing world country and they give you a massively complicated immigration form? Burma for example.
Charlie: No.
Clarkson: And you know when you fill this in, which takes an hour, or Cambodia, they put it in the bin. That's what's going- we are- this is developing world nonsense, this is.[Kaleb finds the first restaurant]
Kaleb: I am looking for a restaurant called Nero. Nero, Naro, Nero, Noro, Naro...
Clarkson: Eventually, Kaleb found the restaurant he was looking for.
[cuts to restaurant sign, showing "Nobu"][Kaleb returns to find a parking violation]
Kaleb: Oh no!
[Kaleb picks up a parking violation]
Kaleb: Sixty-five quid?! Full charge 130 quid?! Oh...![Clarkson reconsiders vegetable planting]
Clarkson: With Kaleb already losing the profit he hadn't made, I was busy regretting planting so many different vegetables.
Charlie: Broad beansnote , beetroots, chard, peas, swedenote , kohlrabi, turnip, cabbage, leeks, pak choinote , rhubarb, broccoli, cauliflower, kale and marrownote .
Clarkson: Yeah. Now the government wants- has a code, obviously, for all of those.
Charlie: Yeah.
Clarkson: Broad beans has got a code?
Charlie: Broad beans has a code.
Clarkson: I have to look those codes up...
Charlie: Yeah, look them up.
Clarkson: And then tell them exactly how much- what do they want it in, centimeters?
Charlie: Square meters will be fine.
Clarkson: Square meters.
Charlie: You've got to do it to four decimal places. If you see, we've got four decimal places.[Clarkson comments on satellite images of his farm]
Clarkson: Are you telling me the British government is photographing my farm from space to see what I'm growing and doing with it?
Charlie: Absolutely.[Kaleb attempts to sell his wasabi a second time]
Kaleb: I've been told, come away from my boss, £300 a kg.
Chef: £300 a kg? You're dreaming, mate.[Kaleb attempts to haggle the cost of the wasabi]
Kaleb: I reckon we do a deal. Go £15.
Chef: I'll give you 10, mate.
Kaleb: 12.
Chef: 10 it is.
Kaleb: Okay, deal. It just cost me £10 to park.
Chef: There you go, you pay your parking for free![Kaleb is exasperated]
Kaleb: Uh, we're off to the Shard now, something called the Shard. I want to get in there, get it sold, get out of there, go home. I've had enough.[Kaleb's fear of heights is revealed]
Clarkson: This is probably a good time to reveal that the only thing Kaleb hates more than cities... is heights.
Kaleb: Oh, don't tell me that's the Shard. You are winding me up!
[Kaleb sees the Shard]
Kaleb: Oh Jesus! Jesus, Jesus, Jesus![Kaleb ascends the Shard]
Elevator: Thirty-second floor.
Kaleb: That's horrible![Kaleb attempts to sell wasabi a final time]
Clarkson: Still, at least the trip was completely pointless.
Kaleb: £25, 100 grams.
Staff: Let me digest that and I'll...
Kaleb: Yeah?
Staff: Yeah, I'll give you a call.
Kaleb: You sure you don't want to buy it now?
Staff: Unfortunately, not now, no.
Kaleb: (under his breath) Shit! Okey-dokey, cheers.[Kaleb counts his profits]
Clarkson: Today, I have made... nothing.[Clarkson talks about continued bad news]
Voiceover Clarkson: After Kaleb's failure to sell the wasabi in London, we put it in the farm shop... where it rotted. And that wasn't the end of the bad news.
Clarkson: (under his breath) God above!
Voiceover Clarkson: Because Lisa's definition of local produce had come to the attention of the authorities.[Clarkson rants about the enforcement case]
Clarkson: I've had an annoying email from the council which says that, um, the stuff we sell in the farm shop has to be from a producer based solely within West Oxfordshire's district boundaries and they're saying that some of the pâté and cheese and what-have-you is from Gloucestershire. I mean, there's a pandemic going on! Millions of people are unemployed! We have a little business that now has five people on the payroll, we're supporting local farms and local businesses and now we have to have an enforcement case opened on us! I mean, God, give me strength![Lisa sees Clarkson's candles]
Voiceover Clarkson: At the shop, Lisa was delighted with the results.
Lisa: You cannot label that "This smells like my bollocks". You just can't!
Clarkson: Gwyneth Paltrow has made a fortune from her candles that smell like her... (mouthing) vagina.
Lisa: Do you think these will sell more because it smells like your bollocks?[Clarkson catches fish to sell]
Voiceover Clarkson: A week later, my local pub agreed to put our trouts on its menu. So, I went down to the pond with a net, feeling weirdly conflicted.
Clarkson: The reason this fence is here...
Lisa: Mhm...
Clarkson: ...is to stop the otter eating the fish so we can sell them to rich people in the pub. The whole point of this was wilding.
Voiceover Clarkson: I then decided I didn't really care about that, so we got to work.[Clarkson reminisces past events]
Clarkson: Delivered fish before in, of course, Mozambique. That went well.[Charlie tells Clarkson he's going on vacation]
Charlie: I said you say...
Clarkson: You say?
Charlie: I won't be here.
Clarkson: Can you imagine- can you- what do you mean you won't be here?
Charlie: I'm going on holiday.
Clarkson: What?!
Charlie: Well, you'll be fine! You don't need me by then! You'll be fine!
Clarkson: I do need you! All this and then it comes to harvest...
Charlie: I'm no use! Like, what do you want me to for?
Clarkson: Well, how am I gonna be able to tell whether that's got 3% moisture or 17%?
Charlie: Well, you need to put it in your moisture meter!
Clarkson: Is there a moisture-o-meter for that?
Charlie: Have you not got a moisture meter?
Clarkson: No!
Charlie: Ah.
Clarkson: Oh God...
Harvesting
- [Clarkson talks about a day on the farm]
Voiceover Clarkson: It's peak summer, and a normal day on the farm now looks like this: I get up at 6:30 and after a hit of coffee set off to let the hens out of their houses.
Clarkson: Morning.
Voiceover Clarkson: On the way back I pick some mushrooms for my lunch, and then it's off to feed the fish. Back at home, I start work on the tomato sauce recipe I'm working on for the farm shop. I add a few chilis and some fresh coriander and leave it on a low heat to simmer, while I mend a fence that the hunt says it didn't knock over back in the winter. I then mow the wildflowers I sowed because that's what all gardeners do: wait till the plants are looking at their best and then prune them, so they don't look so good anymore. After this, I pick some vegetables for Lisa to sell to some customers we have in Atlanta, and I've even found a patch of rhubarb, so I pick that too. And I rush it to the shop...
Clarkson: This is the rhubarb that needs washing.
Voiceover Clarkson: ...where I throw away all the stuff I'd picked the day before because it doesn't sell because no one likes vegetables these days.
[Clarkson waves to Gerald]
Voiceover Clarkson: I then stir the tomato sauce before heading out to check on the bees.
Clarkson: Come on, off you go.
Voiceover Clarkson: And the sheep. And the lambs. And then I begin the big job of the day; there's always one. Today, I've gotta clear all the straw and the sheep feces out of the barn, but as I don't have a bucket for the front of the tractor, I have to ask Kaleb to get the snowplow out of the other barn.
Kaleb: Why can't you do it?!
Clarkson: Because... the Lamborghini won't fit in here!
Voiceover Clarkson: Right away I could tell he wasn't happy because he thinks my tractor's too complicated.
Kaleb: Your tractor's crap!
Voiceover Clarkson: And then when I'm having the mushrooms which I'd picked earlier and cooked in a cream sauce and served on sourdough toast, with some parsley from the garden, I get a call from my associates who say that the sheep have escaped and are on the road. So, I drive over there to find the sheep haven't escaped. But at least the plow is now fitted to the front of the tractor, so I head to the lambing barn and straight away I discovered it wouldn't fit in there either.
[Clarkson's tractor hits the lambing barn's roof]
Clarkson: Oh shit!
Voiceover Clarkson: I then fit an eighty-year-old deathtrap to the back of Lisa's tractor and use that instead. It's getting late now, so I rush home to add some seasoning to the tomato sauce, before heading out to feed the fish again... and collect the eggs. And then I hit the sack, knowing that soon... things are gonna get really busy.[Clarkson on renting a combine harvester]
Clarkson: To harvest the rape, I need a combine harvester, and I haven't got one because they're a quarter of a million pounds. So, I'm gonna have to rent one. And the trouble is that every other farmer in the area will have been out this morning, in the fields, testing the moisture and they'll all be coming to the same conclusions and they'll be trying to rent one as well.[Clarkson seeing a multitude of combine harvesters]
Voiceover Clarkson: I went outside and wherever I looked, there was a glaring reminder that I really was the new boy on the block.
Clarkson: Look, there's a combine there, and there... yeah, there's another. Every farm's got a combine on it.[Clarkson finally gets a combine harvester]
Voiceover Clarkson: By late afternoon, I'd got nowhere.
Clarkson: 37, 42...
Voiceover Clarkson: But then Kaleb hit the jackpot with a mate of his I shall call Jesus, even though his real name is Simon.[Clarkson attempts to hitch a trailer]
Voiceover Clarkson: After a whole year of watching Kaleb attach things to tractors, I figured I'd have no problems hitching my Lambo to a trailer I'd rented.
Clarkson: Um... I do that, then that, then... not that. Um...[Clarkson hitches a trailer]
Clarkson: There was only one solution: get Kaleb to do it.
Kaleb: Actually, wait! Wait, wait! Whoa!
[Kaleb attaches the trailer]
Kaleb: Right, you are all set!
Clarkson: With that, we headed off to the farm shop to rendezvous with Jesus.[Clarkson's harvesting brief]
Clarkson: It's now Friday, twenty to 12. We have a weather front moving in Sunday morning, so we got to try and do four days's harvesting in... a day and a half. This could be a long day.[Kaleb briefs Clarkson]
Kaleb: So, uh... we're doing all night tonight probably, yeah. In there there's some toilet roll, alright? If you get short, let me know, alright?
Clarkson: You actually brought bog roll?
Kaleb: Well yeah, wouldn't be the first time I get caught out.[Clarkson talks about the difficulty in collecting the harvested rapeseed from the combine harvester]
Clarkson: All these drivers talking about precision driving, they do not know what the words mean![Clarkson rushes to unload his cargo]
Voiceover Clarkson: I then rushed off to unload my cargo, fully aware that having complained for years about tractors holding up traffic, I was now in a tractor holding up traffic.
Clarkson: You should all have stopped at the farm shop, then you wouldn't be stuck here, would you? Mhm![Clarkson struggles at unloading]
Clarkson: After a mere six attempts which could've easily been edited out, the much more modern rented trailer was in.[Clarkson reads a map]
Clarkson: Right, this field according to my map here, 54.8 acres, and if we'd had good weather, we could expect £23,500 worth of rape out of it. I don't think it'll be that much; I'd like to ring Charlie and ask him but he's on holiday. So we're doing ten acres an hour, and all the Canadians have just fallen off their chairs laughing at us.[Clarkson snarks at Kaleb's malfunctioning air conditioning]
Kaleb: It's definitely getting rather hot in here.
Clarkson: Just turn my air conditioning up a bit. (cheeky laughter)[Clarkson spots earwigs in his rapeseed]
Clarkson: S'far as I could tell, most of what we were harvesting were earwigs; there were thousands of them! But I was told this was normal, so we kept on working.[Clarkson and Kaleb discuss the fields they've done]
Clarkson: So we've done Picket's Piece.
Kaleb: Yeah.
Clarkson: We're doing Lower Washpool now, and then we've got Bury Hill North, which is 45.7 acres.
Kaleb: You better get going, Jeremy!
Clarkson: Oh, his light's on.
Kaleb: Yeah.[Clarkson drops his first load of the day]
Voiceover Clarkson: The next morning, when we resumed harvesting, my first offload of earwigs was even trickier than normal.
[Clarkson discovers Kaleb's truck blocking his way]
Clarkson: He's parked his truck in the farmyard. There's something wrong with him!
[Clarkson drives Kaleb's truck off to hide]
Clarkson: Right. He won't be finding that in a hurry.[Clarkson successfully catches a load of barley]
Simon: Right, I'd say that was pretty successful.
Clarkson: Oh ho! Did you hear that, fetus boy? It was successful!
Kaleb: Simon, don't give him a big head![Clarkson recounts past events]
Clarkson: I then drove to the storage facility that Kaleb had rebuilt after some lockdown agri-yobs had burnt the old one down.[Kaleb lectures Clarkson for only requesting one truck]
Kaleb: Twenty lorries you should have organized!
Clarkson: Twenty lorries?!
Kaleb: Twenty lorries! They should've been coming back and forth, back and forth!
Clarkson: What, 29 tons in each one?
Kaleb: Yes!
Clarkson: It's six o' clock on a Saturday night; we're not gonna get any more now and it's Sunday tomorrow.
[Kaleb facepalms]
Kaleb: And it's gonna rain tonight.
Clarkson: Are we completely stuck then?
Kaleb: Yes. Completely stuck, we can't cut any more barley now, because... you fucked up. All you had to do was get your phone out and go "Hiya."
Clarkson: No. Wrong, no. I made the mistake about nine months ago.
Kaleb: What?
Clarkson: When I went "That barn's big enough." I was in full Yorkshire mode. "No, I'm not spending more than 22 grand, that barn's perfectly big enough, everything will go in there." I thought we'd have little bays with rape would go there, the wheat would go there, the barley would go there. They never said to me, you never said to me, if I'm honest-
Kaleb: I did say "Your barn's small."
Clarkson: Yes I know but you should have said "You do realize that that barn will be totally filled by your rape."
Kaleb: I did!
Clarkson: You didn't say that!
Kaleb: I did! You just don't listen! You do not listen! No, you switch off! You'll probably switch off now, you don't even know what I'm saying now probably! What did I just say?
Clarkson: Something about switching off.
Kaleb: See?! This is my point!
Voiceover Clarkson: So, thanks to me, all work ground to a halt. And Kaleb headed for home.[Kaleb finds his truck and pranks Clarkson as payback]
Kaleb: Where's my fucking car?
[Kaleb finds his truck]
Kaleb: Ah, I see it. I see the tailgate.
[Kaleb drives up to Clarkson's tractor, takes the keys out and throws them into a nearby field]
Clarkson: As it turned out, the next morning, I didn't need my tractor keys.
[montage of rain][Clarkson prepares his sheep for slaughter]
Clarkson: Obviously, we couldn't harvest in the rain. And even when the downpour stopped, we couldn't restart until the crops had dried out. So while we were waiting, we used the time to get another job out of the way: starting the lambs on their journey to the Sunday lunch table.[Clarkson gives his thoughts on the sheep in a confined space]
Clarkson: This is a powerful advertisement for vegetarianism. But I've seen powerful adverts for going on a cruise and I'm still not gonna do that.[Clarkson is informed of the death of Wayne]
Voiceover Clarkson: Sadly, I then received a rather distressing phone call.
Clarkson: (on the phone) Okay. Okay. Alright, I'll, um, I'll be back later. Alright, thanks. Bye.
[Clarkson puts down phone]
Clarkson: Wayne Rooney's dead.[Clarkson orders an autopsy on Wayne]
Clarkson: How my poor ram had died was a mystery. So, after we'd loaded him into the most dignified hearse we could find, the vet took him away to do an autopsy, and rang later on to say he died from a twisted intestine.
[photo in memoriam of Wayne is shown][Clarkson reflects on the sheep]
Clarkson: I'm surprised at how sad I am about the death of Wayne, because... I am. He'd become sort of part of a little ritual I had in the evening; I'd go for a walk and bring them a bit of food and they'd come running up. I've just come down now because I wanted to make sure that Leo was alright, but he's just sort of hiding in that bush over there, and he won't come out, not even for the food.
Voiceover Clarkson: Sadly, we had to leave my only remaining ram to his grief, because soon, the moisture level of the wheat was bang-on.
Clarkson: What's the news?
Kaleb: 14.4!
Voiceover Clarkson: And we were good to go.[Kaleb ties his hair in desperation]
Voiceover Clarkson: As we beavered away, Kaleb, now desperate for his long-awaited visit to the barber's, took a moment to rearrange his coiffure.
[Kaleb has a topknot]
Clarkson: Hair.
Kaleb: I like it. It's out of my face at least.[Kaleb spots a blaze]
Voiceover Clarkson: Shortly after this exchange though, the mood changed, because Gareth Bale noticed that a neighboring farmer was in trouble.
Kaleb: Look to your left, Jeremy. It doesn't look very good over there.
Clarkson: Something's on fire, innit?[Clarkson is thankful for no disasters while harvesting]
Voiceover Clarkson: This is every farmer's nightmare: a harvest blaze caused by malfunctioning equipment.
Kaleb: I'm on it now. Just bear with me, two minutes. I know there's two fire engines going to it now.
Clarkson: How does he know that?
[Clarkson picks up walkie-talkie]
Clarkson: How do you know that?
Kaleb: Got contacts everywhere.
Voiceover Clarkson: I took a moment to thank the Lord for the bulletproof reliability of the Lambo... and then we got back to work.[Gerald replaces Simon]
Clarkson: Thanks to Simon's calm and clear instructions over the radio...
Simon: That's good, now bring it forward.
Clarkson: I was getting pretty good at my tractoring.
Simon: You're, sort of, just the front end of the middle. Turn it slightly closer to you than the middle at the moment.
Clarkson: But, later that day, I came back from a run to the storage barn to find Simon has been replaced in the combine by a a colleague.
Gerald: (unintelligible)
Clarkson: I... just don't know, I... I don't know! I don't know what he wants me to do![Clarkson about Gerald]
Clarkson: I tell you what, he's 72, look at him. He was telling me last week he's combined this farm every year for 50 years and he didn't want to miss this one, even with COVID. And here he is![Clarkson finds out about the quality of his wheat]
Paul: The all-important protein. The first number is one.
Clarkson: Yeah.
Paul: The second number is three.
Clarkson: Yessssss!
Paul: Then we have a point.
Clarkson: Yes, zero.
Paul: And the next number is five.
Charlie: Oh! Almost like...
Clarkson: How did you know that?!
Charlie: Well, it's the color!
Paul: This is probably as good as I've seen to now.[Clarkson attempts to haggle his prices]
Clarkson: Well, no, we've gotta haggle.
Paul: No no no, I've sorted that out.
Clarkson: What do you mean you've sorted it out?
Paul: You may know about car prices but I know about wheat prices.
Clarkson: How much is it then?
Paul: I would- it would be around the £180, 185 mark.
Clarkson: That's fantastic news![Clarkson sees the results from his bottled spring water]
Clarkson: "22° and 37° bacterial results have failed, so the water is not in a sellable state. For your reference, the TVC count should be zero and they were found to be-" 10,000+?! That's not a fail, that's a catastro- 10,000?![Clarkson is reunited with "an old friend"]
Voiceover Clarkson: This meant I had to get to the farm shop sharpish to remove the water from the shelves before anyone bought it. And luckily, I had just the machine for the job, because I had been reunited with an old friend.
[Clarkson drives the MFB from "A Massive Hunt"]
Clarkson: Welcome everyone to the new Diddly Squat fast response vehicle! Ha ha ha, it's great to have it back! The fact is if it can handle the roads of Madagascar it can definitely handle the fields of Chipping Norton and it is doing![Clarkson reminisces about past driving experiences]
Clarkson: Weird that I've never driven this car at more than eight miles an hour. Now look at me! I'm literally saving lives here doing this![Clarkson takes the water off the shelves]
Clarkson: I've come to get the water.
Lisa: Why?
Clarkson: It's got shit in it.
Lisa: Sorry, what?
Clarkson: It's got shit in it.
Lisa: It says it's got no shit in it!
Clarkson: It says it's got no shit in it, but... that's not strictly accurate. It's full of it.
[Lisa gasps]
Clarkson: I don't know what it is; it's bacteria. It's not actual feces, it's bacteria. But, we'll flush the system out with detergent, get it tested again.[Clarkson and Charlie have their annual earning's call]
Clarkson: So where are the costs, because, how much- here are the costs then. So we spent-
Charlie: We spent-
Clarkson: £14,000 on seed.
Charlie: On seed.
Clarkson: £34,000 on fertilizer and £20,000 on sprays.
Charlie: So £68,801. And then there's £68,457 of costs. That's Kaleb, that's the machinery... so you've made £144 profit from the arable farm.
[Clarkson slinks back in his chair]
Clarkson: So the fact of the matter is this: farming seven days a week for a year on a 1,000 acre farm has generated an income of £144?
Charlie: Correct.[Charlie and Clarkson discuss about subsidies]
Charlie: Fortunately at the moment we have this subsidy. When that goes...
Clarkson: What are farmers going to do? I mean, honestly, what are they going to do? The ones who don't have Amazon film crews following them around and Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? to top up the income? I mean, what do you do when the subsidy starts to go down?
Charlie: Ah, there will be... there's gonna be a sea change to the, rurally, y'know, the countryside. There'll be 30% less farmers probably.
Clarkson: But that's where we are with farming in this day and age. And the next time a farmer moans about the weather...
[Clarkson points to the camera]
Clarkson: Put your arm around him and buy him a pint, because... he's not moaning about it 'cause it's a bit miserable working in the rain, he's moaning about it 'cause it's crucifying.[Clarkson reflects on the harvest]
Clarkson: I was now in a quandary. I'd worked bloody hard all year and my reward was £144. Even with the grants and subsidies added in, I'd have been far better off selling up, putting the money in the bank and living off the interest. And yet, the past year had been absolutely brilliant. I'd done so many things I didn't think that I'd be able to do. I'd become a shepherd, a tractor driver, a shopkeeper, a midwife, a key worker, an engineer and a conservationist, all in the company of Diddly Squat's endlessly happy, endlessly dysfunctional family.
[montage of happenings over the past year shown]
Clarkson: But, could I really go through the whole cycle again for less than 40 pence a day? It's a question that crops up almost immediately at our harvest festival picnic.[Clarkson has a choice]
Clarkson: So, the big thing I've got to work out now is, I've got a choice, realistically. I can either: go back to London and resume my old life-
Kaleb: Yeah, do that.
[all laugh]
Clarkson: You haven't heard the "or"!
Kaleb: No no no. Do that.[Clarkson's desire to stay]
Clarkson: I think I don't want to go back to London now.
Lisa: Ever?
Clarkson: No, I'm happy here.
Kaleb: You like London! Let's just- you know you love London.
[all laugh]
Kaleb: And London suits you, and um...
Lisa: You've got friends in London.
Kaleb: Yeah, you've got friends in London, you know loads of people.
Charlie: You've got loads of friends here.
Clarkson: Mhm! He wants me to stay. Because I am a cash cow to him.[Clarkson wants to get back to farming]
Clarkson: I'm gonna get in that tractor now, you're gonna come back with me and put the cultivator on it and I'm gonna go cultivating now.
Gerald: I thought you was going to a party tonight, you said.
[everyone bursts into laughter]
Lisa: In London!
Season 2
Surviving
- [Clarkson gets the viewers up to speed on happenings at the farm]
Clarkson: Welcome back to Clarkson's Farm. It's been almost a year since the film crews were last here, but though the cameras stopped rolling, life at Diddly Squat carried on. And in amongst the familiar comings and goings, there have been a few changes. The ruinously expensive sheep are now being looked after by an actual sheep farmer just down the road; I provide the equipment and the sheep, he does the work and then we share the losses. We're growing a new crop: durum wheat, which is used to make pasta. We've got millions more bees. And on the subject of pollination, there's a new addition to the Diddly Squat community.
[montage of photos of Kaleb's son, Oscar]
Clarkson: And then there's the farm shop, which turned out to be rather more popular than we'd expected.[Clarkson reflecting on the past]
Clarkson: Last year the 520 acres of barley, wheat and rapeseed had earned me the principle sum of £144. This time round I was obviously hoping for more as we began in the barley fields with the all-important moisture test.[Clarkson seeks advice from Charlie]
[Clarkson rings Charlie]
Charlie: Hello.
Clarkson: Charlie, hi. It's me. The last load we took in was 15.8.
Charlie: Yeah, shi... that's quite high.
Clarkson: So we're gonna have to stop.
Charlie: Yeah, that's frustrating. Frustrating, definitely.[Clarkson discovers another act of vandalism]
Voiceover Clarkson: Kaleb and I took the last load to our storage area, which annoyingly had received yet another visit from the local vandals.
Clarkson: That's the buns they've burned last year and they've tried to burn this one this year. And I was talking to the police about it the other day, the rural crime police; they've had their Mitsubishi L200 taken away - which they could chase baddies in - and they've been given a Vauxhall Corsa. This is the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland we're talking about, the sixth richest country in the world. How the fucking hell are they gonna catch anyone in a Corsa?![Clarkson and Kaleb's continued problems]
Voiceover Clarkson: Even more annoyingly, because of the national shortage of lorry drivers, we'd only managed to book one lorry to take the barley away. That meant some of it would be left outside, and the forecast for tomorrow... was rain.
Clarkson: I'm pissed off about this, 'cause how much have we got here? Five tons?
Kaleb: About four or five tons, yeah.
Clarkson: It's just gonna sit here and rot all weekend. It's getting on for 750 quid's worth of barley, just sitting here being ruined.
Kaleb: Yeah yeah yeah!
Clarkson: But the weather forecast could be wrong; might be nice in the morning.
Kaleb: We never know, do we?
[shot of rain over the farm]
Voiceover Clarkson: The next day, we did know.
Clarkson: (softly) Bloody hell![Clarkson and Charlie discuss about the barley]
Charlie: I've just had a message from the grain merchant; this is why we stopped last night.
Clarkson: Yep.
Charlie: Load from tip this morning was 16.5% moisture; there'll be drying charge of £9.75.
Clarkson: A ton?
Charlie: A ton. And a weight loss of 4.5%. So a ton and a half they're not gonna pay you for; so basically they're charging you for the water, which is why we stopped last night.
Clarkson: Well, we've lost how much money?
Charlie: So, that would have cost 450 quid in basically merchant taxes.
Clarkson: And the 750 quid...
Charlie: Sitting in there.
Clarkson: Sitting getting soggier. (under his breath) Fucking hell....[Clarkson and Charlie discuss plans to diversify]
Clarkson: Anyway, listen. We let the government potter, have committee meetings and select committee meetings and all that nonsense. Fuck 'em. Fuck the lot of them. So, here's my plan.
Charlie: Yeah?
Clarkson: Cows.
Charlie: Cows?
Clarkson: I know the sheep were a disaster.
Charlie: ...yeah.
Clarkson: But cows...
Charlie: Yeah.
Clarkson: B'cause they do their number twos...
Charlie: They do.
Clarkson: On the fields, which is good for the soil.
Charlie: That's good for the soil.
Clarkson: Move them the next day and then you put hens onto the bit where they poo, then the hens eat the worms out of the cow poo.
Charlie: Yup.
Clarkson: And trample all their feces and the feces of the cows into the soil and then the next they move them and so on until the whole farm, eventually, has been reinvigorated.[Clarkson discusses his next plan]
Clarkson: And here's my next plan. Ready? Turn the lambing barn, which we don't need anymore, into a restaurant, and sell the beef in there. Our own beef, slaughtered down the road, to be cooked and served in a restaurant where you sit down, and you have - we'll have lamb as well because we still have the sheep - so we have beef or lamb, we have our own potatoes.
Charlie: Yup.
Clarkson: We have the flour for the gravy, we have the mint for the mint sauce, we have the horseradish growing just here. We've got durum wheat so we can make our own pasta; a restaurant where everything, everything you eat in it was produced at Diddly Squat.
[Clarkson drums the table]
Charlie: Brilliant![Clarkson has a plan for the restaurant]
Charlie: There's a lot of cost in setting up a restaurant. I don't know anything about restaurants!
Clarkson: Yeah, they come and they go.
Charlie: They come and they go.
Clarkson: I know there's an 80% failure rate but I've got a plan on that; be one of the 20%.
[Charlie bursts into laughter]
Clarkson: I know, it's all here. It's all here! You gotta be a little bit excited!
Charlie: I just- I just-
Clarkson: So anyway, that is my plan.
Charlie: You want me to find some cows?!
Clarkson: Yeah.[Clarkson finds a Burberry shirt in the barley]
Clarkson: First things first, we've harvested a small child. That's almost certainly going to go on the news, isn't it? "Jeremy Clarkson Has Minced A Child". Burberry. A working-class child.[Clarkson complains about the noise]
Clarkson: Is that Silverstonenote making that racket?
Tim: Yeah. I thought you'd be able to get to switch off for the day.
Clarkson: Is it always that loud?
Tim: ...yeah.
Katy: Most days.
Clarkson: Bloody cars, honestly![Clarkson requests a quote from Alan for conversion of the lambing barn]
Voiceover Clarkson: After this barrage came the inevitable comedy quote.
Clarkson: Could you just let me have some idea?
Alan: Yeah.
Clarkson: Do you have any idea now?
Alan: Two and a half-hundred thousand?note[Clarkson makes a comment on his wheat]
Clarkson: We should say on our bread in the shop "May contain trace elements of earwig".[Kaleb has an anecdote about Simon]
Simon: Uh, right where I am now it's very good, but I'm hoping it's gonna get better as we get out in the middle. It looks a bit thicker out, a bit taller out there.
Clarkson: Poshest combine driver in the world, Simon.
Kaleb: He once went into McDonald's and asked for the cutlery.
Clarkson: What?!
Kaleb: He went into McDonald's and asked for the knives and forks.
[Clarkson and Kaleb laugh][Clarkson and Kaleb reenact the life of an earwig]
Clarkson: Why is all that dust co- is that earwig dust?
Kaleb: Imagine being an earwig going (unintelligible) and then all of a sudden "OH MY GOD!" (imitates blubbering noises)
Clarkson: No, you're thr- it's through the red thing, then you're in the hopper, you think "Oh my God, that's terrifying!", then the fan starts... and blows you miles in the sky 'cause if you're only an inch long and you go 20 feet up it's like us being blasted into space!
[Kaleb bursts into laughter]
Clarkson: Then you're shot, you go "I'm flying! I'm literally flying!" and then you're in the back of a trailer (gibberish), and then you're carted off to the flour mill, where you're ground down- this is a horrible end!
Kaleb: They asked for more protein in the wheat! We gave them that![Clarkson laughs at Kaleb's description of his son]
Clarkson: You know, he described his baby the other day as "foreign".
Kaleb: He was born in Oxford!
[Clarkson bursts into laughter]
Kaleb: I was born in Chipping Norton as well as all my family! And my son is born in Oxford. He's foreign!
Clarkson: (in between laughter) Foreign...![Clarkson wonders about Gerald]
Gerald: 'cause even if it ain't fit, then at least I can do another bout and you can cope with one load 'a grain, can't 'ya? But you won't have 'ta if you can't go on, y'know what I mean?
Kaleb: Yeah.
[Clarkson laughs]
Clarkson: What's this? Is this his 52nd harvest here? It's uh, 52. No, it's 51. Now I reckon this is 54! I'll ask him. Actually, there's no point, is there?[Gerald panics at Simon's combine harvester]
Clarkson: Before we could get going though Simon's new high-tech combine started making noises at Gerald.
Gerald: Sorry I've got this (unintelligible) I can't stop it buzzin'! How do you stop it?!
Simon: Hi Gerald, it's Simon. What's the problem?
Gerald: Yeah, I think it's (unintelligible)![the harvest is complete]
Clarkson: Right, that's it, the harvest of 2021 is in, and now... cows![Clarkson brings in the SoloTrak]
Voiceover Clarkson: I could've carried on with this generation gap debate for hours, but Kaleb and I needed to fence off a field for the new cows. And I really didn't fancy putting in 280 fence posts using his medieval man-killer.
[flashback is shown]
Voiceover Clarkson: So I hired some internal combustion instead.
Clarkson: What this is is the end of your business.
Kaleb: Wow.
Clarkson: Because why would you ever employ a fencing contractor when you have the SoloTrak?
Kaleb: Okay, good point. SoloTrak. So that means you're gonna be doing it on your own?
Clarkson: Well once you've explained to me how these things work.
Kaleb: Then I can go home?
Clarkson: Just explain how it works![Clarkson and Kaleb prepare the SoloTrak]
Clarkson: After getting the machine into position and putting on some snowflake PPE, we began.
Cowering
- [Clarkson checks on the cows with Kaleb]
Clarkson: The day after the cows arrived, I went to check on them with Kaleb, who was actually quite excited.[Clarkson meets Dilwyn]
Clarkson: How've you been?
Dilwyn: Yeah, not too bad, not too bad. Just sort of having to fight all the autograph hunters away and all that type of stuff, but...[the cows break through the fence]
Lisa: Jeremy? They're trying to get over the fence!
Clarkson: What?
[the cows break through]
Kaleb: Oh, fuckin' hell!
Lisa: Now it's through the fence!
Kaleb: Cows are out!
Lisa: Jeremy!
Clarkson: Oh shit! They'll be on the road!
Lisa: Oh my God...[Clarkson has an idea for his restaurant]
Voiceover Clarkson: I'd bought the cows to reinvigorate my soil, but because such a small flock would not be profitable if I sold it to a butcher, I'd come up with the idea of selling the meet in my own restaurant. And on that front, I had another brainwave: chilis! My plan was to grow them so I could sell chili chutney in both the restaurant and the farm shop.
Clarkson: Clever, eh?[Clarkson tastes a Naga viper pepper]
Clarkson: Oh. Okay. Hmm. Hmm... Oh! Ha ha ha ha! Holy shit! That's really hot! Ah! Fucking hell! (burp) Oh, excuse me. That's just some si- sick coming up. Oh! Oh dear!
[Lisa enters the office]
Lisa: Oh my God, what are you doing? What have you got?
Clarkson: That might be a bit too hot.[Lisa tries a Naga Viper pepper]
Lisa: You've got to chew it ten times before you swallow it, otherwise it burns your stomach.
[Lisa eats the Naga Viper pepper]
Lisa: Yeah. Oh fuck, that's hot already.
[Clarkson laughs, Lisa writhes in pain]
Lisa: Bit of a kick, hasn't it?
[Clarkson continues laughing]
Clarkson: Your arse in the morning is going to look like the Japanese flag.
[Lisa laughs][Clarkson prepares to make a chili chutney]
Voiceover Clarkson: In the end we planted a selection: mild Hungarian habaneros, eye-watering Nagas and completely volcanic Carolina Reapers. Then, with a bag of ripened Nagas in the boot, I went off to create a Diddly Squat chili chutney.
Clarkson: Sadly I'm not able to do the cooking in my own kitchen because the kitchen police haven't inspected it. And that's why I've come here.
[cuts to a shot of the Chipping Norton Rugby Club][Clarkson meets the chefs]
Clarkson: Greetings.
Tomasz: Tomasz.
Clarkson: Tomasz. Polish?
Tomasz: Yes.
Joanna: Joanna. Nice to meet 'ya.
Clarkson: Jeremy. How are you?
Joanna: I'm doing fabulous. So, we're gonna make, I think, for you, a tomato-based chili sauce with chunky Naga in it and some chunky tomatoes, um, chunky onions, chunky chilis.
Clarkson: Yeah. So not completely puréed, yeah?
Joanna: Okay.
Clarkson: So there's a crunch to it?
Joanna: Yeah.[Clarkson, Joanna and Tomasz prepare a chili chutney]
Joanna: We like the flavor of the malt vinegar with tomatoes; it just goes so well together. What we-
Clarkson: (coughs) (under his breath) Fucking hell! (continues coughing)
Joanna: These chilis are really, really hot! Shall we put the extraction fan on?
[Clarkson continues coughing]
Joanna: It is a bit noisy.
[Clarkson and Joanna cough]
Clarkson: (coughs) I'm ten feet away from them! Oh my giddy aunt![Clarkson tries a solution for his coughing problems]
Clarkson: But, now, Joanna, you're managing to do very well there! You're not coughing!
Joanna: I know, I know.
Tomasz: Because when is close, you no cough like too much.
Clarkson: Really? It's just I'm far away?
Tomasz: Try. (starts coughing)
Joanna: What do you think of this-
[all three start coughing][Clarkson asks Joanna an important question]
Joanna: Okay, so what we've done is we've taken the jars out of the oven and they're nice and sterile now.
Clarkson: How long does chili sauce keep for?
Joanna: (cough) So...
[Clarkson coughs]
Joanna: The... (cough) Roughly... (continues coughing) One year.
[both continue coughing][more chilis are added]
Joanna: Okay. (sneeze) More chilis.
[Clarkson coughs]
Joanna: More Naga.
Tomasz: More cough!
[all three start coughing][Clarkson attempts to start a conversation with Tomasz]
Clarkson: How long have you been here, Tomasz?
Tomasz: I work like nine years. (coughs) Sorry, I am cough because chili.
[Clarkson bursts into laughter]
Tomasz: Now is (unintelligible).
Clarkson: How many Poles do you get through in a year?
[Tomasz coughs]
Clarkson: He's bringing (unintelligible)!
Joanna: (in between coughs) He's very good!
Tomasz: And bad!
[Clarkson begins coughing and laughing]
Tomasz: Sorry! (coughs)
[all three begin laughing and coughing][Clarkson buys more chickens]
Voiceover Clarkson: After that, it was a relief to get back to the cow dung and my mob-grazing soil rejuvenation plan, which requires not only a lot of feces, but also a lot of hens.
Clarkson: Right, come on girls! Come on!
[Clarkson releases the hens from their henhouses]
Voiceover Clarkson: And as my existing flock wasn't big enough, I got more from my egg-producing neighbors, Mr. and Mrs. CackleBean, who pitched up with a mobile henhouse that was so state-of-the-art, it even had alloy wheels.[Clarkson and Steph discuss about the henhouse's features]
Clarkson: Okay, is this the water tank?
Steph: Yeah. Cold water, so that goes through to the nipple drinkers, so they tap the nipples. What man doesn't like to tap a nipple?[Clarkson lays out a plan]
Clarkson: So here's the idea: cow shit, cow shit, cow shit, cow shit, cow shit, cow shit everywhere. Hens come out, peck the worms and, uh, what else do they eat out of that?
Paddy: All the bugs.
Clarkson: All the bugs out of the shit, and then trample all the cow poo and their own.
Steph: Yep.
Clarkson: Into the soil, making it healthy and vibrant.
Steph: Yes.
Clarkson: And then tomorrow, we move them down there.
Paddy: Yep.
Clarkson: And bit by bit they cover the whole field.
Paddy: The whole field, yep.
Steph: It's the way forward.
Clarkson: Right, I'm gonna open the flap. Let the eco-farming begin![Clarkson is excited]
Clarkson: Look, here they are! Look, it's doing it! It's actually eating the worms out of the feces![Clarkson asks a Paddy and Steph and important question]
Clarkson: Are these cockerels that I'm getting delicious and nutritious?
Paddy: They're lovely.
Clarkson: So you can eat them.
Paddy: You can eat them.
Steph: You can eat cock.
[Clarkson and Paddy snicker][the roosters prove to be a bit unruly]
Voiceover Clarkson: With all this in place, my soil would become healthy and I'd have a steady supply of chicken, eggs and beef for the restaurant. So I went to bed that night, feeling rather contented.
[roosters crow at 3:58 am]
Voiceover Clarkson: The next morning however I wasn't feeling quite so contented, because it turned out the cockerels were incredible escape artists.
Clarkson: You... oh, they're all out. All the cockerels are out.
[roosters crow]
Clarkson: Fucking...
Voiceover Clarkson: Which meant they either ended up as fox food...
[Clarkson sees a dead rooster]
Clarkson: Oh, the feathers are everywhere, look. It's like the killing fields!
Voiceover Clarkson: ...or they were over at the hen house, giving it the full Roger Moore.[Clarkson gathers feedback for his chili chutneys]
Voiceover Clarkson: First of all I asked people to try the "medium hot" version.
[montage of customers showing their approval]
Voiceover Clarkson: Buoyed by this reaction, I then asked them to try the... "not medium" version.
[montage of customers unable to bear the heat of the peppers, complete with profanity][Clarkson beginning to appreciate the roosters]
Voiceover Clarkson: Our new early morning alarm system was actually coming in useful, as life with the cows was getting... much busier. The calves for example were now old enough to be weaned off their mothers's milk, which meant taking them to another field on the far side of the farm.
Clarkson: Look at all this fresh new grass we have given them! This is called Cow Ground; it's one of the prettiest fields on the farm. Yes! Whaddya think of that?
Lisa: They seem happy enough.
Clarkson: Look at that for a lovely sight. That a lovely sight?
Lisa: Yeah.[the calves's disobedience begins to show]
Voiceover Clarkson: Unfortunately however the youngsters didn't share this romantic view of their new home.
[the next day]
Clarkson: What is missing then from this picture?
[silence]
Clarkson: All the veals. They've escaped. A neighboring farmer has eight of them in his yard, which I've got to go and get back, but one of them is missing, and we've got to find her.
[Clarkson drives his Range Rover]
Clarkson: That's the veal in a neighboring farmer's field. Bad veal![Lisa and Clarkson apologize to the farmer]
Clarkson: This is our neighboring farmer, whose fields we are ripping to shreds.
[Clarkson waves at the farmer]
Lisa: Shall I do the apologies? He doesn't look very happy...
Clarkson: Yep...
Lisa: I'm so sorry.
Clarkson: Sorry about this.[the calves escape again]
Clarkson: I was hoping this would be a one-off incident, but it turned out the calves were even more escape-y than the cockerels.
Kaleb: Hello, the cows are out.
[montage of the following days, with Clarkson and the gang retrieving the cows from the same farmer's farm][Clarkson repairs a fence]
Voiceover Clarkson: There was no doubt that the early morning cow roundup was a lovely way to start the day.
Clarkson: Come on! Good cows.
Voiceover Clarkson: But this was the fourth escape in ten days, so I had to do a proper job of mending the fence in their field.
[Kaleb points at Clarkson's shoddily-repaired fence]
Kaleb: Did you repair that? (in between laughter) It wasn't me! That was you, wasn't it? That's fucking appalling! Look at it!
Clarkson: I'll grant you, it's not aesthetically pleasing.
[Kaleb bursts into laughter][Kaleb teaches Clarkson]
Voiceover Clarkson: Kaleb then instructed me on how farmers would typically deal with this problem.
[Clarkson holds fence]
Kaleb: That's it, and you just hold it there-
Clarkson: You want me to do this?
Kaleb: Yeah. And then get a post and hold the post as well there and then I'll push that post in behind this one, that make sense?
Clarkson: No.[Clarkson and Kaleb attempt to mend the fence]
[Kaleb props the telehandler's forks on the fence]
Clarkson: This is totally safe, isn't it? Yeah, I'm sure this is in every manual on how to stay safe on the farm!
[Clarkson begins to panic]
Clarkson: Shit, now don't lower it now, you'll break my arm off!
Kaleb: I'll hold it with this!
Clarkson: No Kaleb, I don't like- now that's ridiculous.
Kaleb: It's fine! Now get the post![that's not gone well]
Kaleb: What, you ready to hold this fence?
Clarkson: What?
Kaleb: Hold the fence! You ready?
[Kaleb slowly lifts the telehandler's arm]
Clarkson: Agh!
[Kaleb releases his hold on the fence post, fence post breaks, hurting Clarkson]
Clarkson: Argh! Fucking hell! Ah... shit! Fuck!
Kaleb: You alright?
Clarkson: No!
[Clarkson writhes in pain]
Clarkson: Oh ho ho, hang on... oh, fuck! No, I'm not sure this is good.
[Clarkson pants]
Kaleb: Do you want me to ring Lisa for a bag of peas?
Clarkson: No![Clarkson does an online course]
Voiceover Clarkson: This incident reminded me that it was time to do something that I'd been putting off forever.
Narrator: Hello, and welcome to Agriculture Health and Safety. This Lantra course, developed with HSE assistance, will help you identify and manage safety risks.
[Clarkson is bored]
Narrator: If you control or manage the farm, you are legally responsible for your safety and that of your employees, contractors, visitors, and anyone affected by... (fades out) ...so that lower supporting bales are stabilized by overlapping and interlocking upper bales...
Official: If you're a self-employed farmer, safety law applies to you, and it always has done. Compliance with the law protects you, makes you much less likely to be hurt...
Clarkson: (yawns) God...[a rainwater tank arrives]
Voiceover Clarkson: Mercifully, Kaleb eventually rescued me from the torture of Health and Safety instructions by calling to say that our giant new water tank had arrived.
Clarkson: 20,000 liters of water.
Kaleb: Yeah.
Clarkson: Free oxygenated soft rainwater will come off that roof and into here.[Clarkson and Kaleb attempt to install the tank]
Kaleb: I don't think it's gonna work.
Clarkson: What isn't?
Kaleb: I think we're gonna have to put a concrete pad down.
Clarkson: Dream on! Every bit of concrete in the country is currently being used by HS2. They're building a railway that goes from London to Liverpool or Manchester or something, about 12 minutes faster, it's costing billions of pounds and it's using every bit of concrete in Britain. I mean, who needs a railway?![a minor argument]
Kaleb: I've never been on a train, so I don't need a railway.
Clarkson: What?
Kaleb: I've never been on a train. Never.
Clarkson: That's not possible.
Kaleb: Prove it! How-
Clarkson: (unintelligible)
Kaleb: How could- how- have you lived me? Have you been me? No.[Clarkson and Kaleb reinstall the water tank]
Voiceover Clarkson: I couldn't argue with that, but, I wasn't wrong about the concrete, so the next day we decided to relocate the water tank to the other side of the barn.
Clarkson: Got that, then there's a thing that goes on top of it, yeah?
Kaleb: I think I got it out.[scissor lift woes]
Voiceover Clarkson: Job one was to fit all the components that go on the top of the tank, so Kaleb suggested I fire up the farm's scissor lift.
[scissor lift beeps]
Clarkson: I once went up in one of these-
[scissor lift hits a bump]
Clarkson: OOOH, FUCKING HELL!
[ding!]
Narrator: ...and welcome to Module Two: Falls From Height.
[Clarkson snores][Clarkson panics]
Clarkson: No! Ahh!
Kaleb: (laughs) It's not gonna let you down now!
Clarkson: It's made- STOP DOING THAT!
[scissor lift continues beeping]
Kaleb: (continues laughing) Now go up!
Clarkson: No, down! Down- why won't it go down any more?!
Kaleb: I've got you, go back up.
Clarkson: OH, FUCK OFF!
[Kaleb continues laughing][Clarkson is exasperated]
Clarkson: Go and get a ladder!
Kaleb: This is fine, look!
Clarkson: It's NOT fine!
Kaleb: It is!
[Clarkson attempts to fix the scissor lift]
Clarkson: Ow! Ffff- I HATE this thing![fitting pipes]
Kaleb: You get that end and I'll get this end up.
Clarkson: Moaning about the weather... stop it, stop being a twat.
Kaleb: Hey?
Clarkson: Back up, forwards.
Kaleb: What do you mean "Forwards", back-
Clarkson: Is that it?
Kaleb: Yeah, it's on- oh, no, no, it's not yet. One minute, I gotta put it on- there you go, that's on. I'm on. I'm on.
Clarkson: I'm on.
[fixing the next set of pipes]
Clarkson: Come on, push!
Kaleb: I am pushing!
Clarkson: No- push like a man, not like some little baby goat![things happen]
[Kaleb opens a container of putty]
Clarkson: Get this off, first of all...
[Kaleb grabs some putty]
Kaleb: Have you-
[pipe falls off]
Clarkson: Oh, fucking hell!
[both fix the pipe]
[Kaleb groans]
Clarkson: You in?
Kaleb: Yeah.
Clarkson: Don't knock me off.
Kaleb: (laughs) There.
Clarkson: There. We're on.[the job is done]
Clarkson: Oh, fucking hell. 61 years old, having to do something- 'cause how old are you? 23.
Kaleb: It's your show!
Clarkson: Heh, heh! Oh, is it?!
Kaleb: Yeah!
Clarkson: Everyone get that?! Everyone hear that?!
[Kaleb snickers][Clarkson buys a livestock crush]
Voiceover Clarkson: It was now time to ensure a steady supply of beef for the restaurant, which meant getting the cows that weren't pregnant... pregnant. And since this would mean inserting things in them, Kaleb said I'd need to invest in a contraption called... a "crush".
Clarkson: So the cow goes in-
Kaleb: This side.
Clarkson: -goes in there.
Kaleb: Yeah, walks through.
Clarkson: And then its head come- come- where's its head go? Oh it's in there.
Kaleb: There, look. That comes out, actually.[Kaleb demonstrates the livestock crush]
Kaleb: That bar there, yeah?
Clarkson: Yeah.
Kaleb: That goes in here to jam their arse up.
Clarkson: Holy shit... Max Mosley would have paid a fortune to have a go in this!
Kaleb: And then that comes in like that and jams their head in.
Clarkson: WHAT?! How much does this weigh- is it very heavy?
Kaleb: Oh (unintelligible) you need the loader. I mean, here's the thing, like, if I'm gonna set this up it's gonna take me half an hour...
Clarkson: Yeah?
Clarkson: And then if you're gonna help it's gonna take us an hour.[they set up the crush]
Voiceover Clarkson: Once I'd got the crush into position, we had to build the pen that attaches to it.
Kaleb: Ready?
[Clarkson gets hurt by the fence]
Clarkson: Fuck! (hisses) Ow, fucking hell!
Kaleb: Such a wimp!
Clarkson: What do you mean- (unintelligible) I'm carryin' on with my work![the livestock crush's price]
Kaleb: This is quite cool, you've actually got a good one here.
Clarkson: Good!
Kaleb: How much did it cost?
Clarkson: £10,000 this was.
Kaleb: Fuckin' hell!
Clarkson: I know, I know.[Clarkson has an epiphany]
Voiceover Clarkson: With the pen assembled we went off to round up the cows.
[Clarkson and Kaleb walk towards the cow fields]
Kaleb: Dunno how I feel about you walking with a stick.
Clarkson: I like it. It makes me look like a- I'm starting to feel farm-ish. You know, I'm starting to understand little things about the countryside now.
Kaleb: That's the problem though, you only understand little things.[the cows are found]
Clarkson: Aha. I found them. I love this. They don't look surprised or frightened or intimidated in any way when you approach; they just stare. Look at Pepper, over on the left there. They're just, uh- they're like six-year-old kids when you walk into a classroom. You know a six-year-old kid, and a grown-up walks in...
Kaleb: Yeah, yeah.
Clarkson: They're not frightened!
[Kaleb makes a face]
Clarkson: They're exactly there. That's- there. That's Kaleb's cow impression.
Kaleb: Ready? (makes a face)
Clarkson: Here we go...[Dilwyn arrives]
Clarkson: Ah, Dilwyn!
Dilwyn: Yeah!
Clarkson: They actually want to go in the crush! Look at that!
Kaleb: Oh my God!
Clarkson: That is easy! We never managed this with the sheep, did we?[the process]
Voiceover Clarkson: Even though we'd rounded up all the cows it was just the two young heifers that Dilwyn would be... artificially inseminating. And today was just part one of the procedure.
Clarkson: So it's just Deeny and Pepper that you need?
Dilwyn: Yeah, yeah, I'm bringing them on heat, basically. I'm gonna put a progesterone-releasing intra-vaginal device into the vagina, and then when we take it out, that'll bring them on heat and then you can serve them with AI after that.
Voiceover Clarkson: Dilwyn said the easiest way of tackling the job was to run all the cows through the Max Mosley machine... until we got to the heifers.
[Clarkson and Kaleb attempt to prod the cows]
Clarkson: Go on, in you go.
Kaleb: Go on, give it one.
Clarkson: Go on. Come on.
Kaleb: It's like working with Gandalf.[Clarkson moans]
Clarkson: Bribery. We've tried the stick, now we're using the carrot.
[Dilwyn shakes a bucket of carrots]
Clarkson: Backing up, backing up. Yep, it's now fully reversed back where it came from.
Kaleb: They don't like the crush.
Clarkson: What about money?
Kaleb: What?
Clarkson: Oh, I don't know! I mean, I'm dr- I'm SO cold and wet. And unhappy. I can't...
[cow makes a noise]
Clarkson: My cows are as disobedient as my sheep, it's pouring with rain, my shoes are covered in excrement.
Kaleb: I don't know why I find this funny! (laughs)
Clarkson: It's 'cause you never experienced boating in the Mediterranean or eating an agreeable pasta on the streets of (unintelligible)...[Dilwyn gets ready]
[Kaleb observes Dilwyn putting on gloves]
Kaleb: That sounds like a balloon, and I'm terrified of balloons.
Clarkson: Terrified.
Kaleb: Massive fear. You have no idea. Wouldn't- wouldn't go into a room if there was a balloon there.
Clarkson: Really?
Kaleb: Yeah.
[Dilwyn chuckles]
Kaleb: Shit scared. Like... don't tell anyone that.[Dilwyn checks Deeny]
Dilwyn: I'll see if she's all there.
Clarkson: This is like a prostate but on an industrial level, innit?
[Dilwyn performs the check]
Dilwyn: Alright...
Clarkson: Holy mother...[Dilwyn finishes the check]
Dilwyn: She's fine!
Clarkson: Oh she's got all the bits?
Dilwyn: Yeah she has.
[Dilwyn removes his hand]
Clarkson: What the hell is that?
Dilwyn: That's the shit.
Clarkson: I thought you went in its vagina?
Dilwyn: I did it rectally. So basically I go in rectally-
Clarkson: (unintelligible)
Dilwyn: And I can feel the uterus from the outside.
Clarkson: So you've got to go up the back door?
Dilwyn: Yes.[the impregnation begins]
Clarkson: Well, here we go, the triangle of procreation is on its way.
Dilwyn: Uh, yeah. I would've thought so.
[Dilwyn inserts the device into Deeny as she thrashes about]
Dilwyn: Whoa, whoa...
[the device is inserted]
Dilwyn: There you go! Go on.[Clarkson does other things]
Voiceover Clarkson: As we now had to wait a week until the artificial insemination could happen...
[Kaleb and his brother Kieron fix the fence]
Kaleb: Ready?
Voiceover Clarkson: Kaleb and his brother Kieron set about repairing the cow fence properly... whilst I decided to catch up on some maintenance jobs.
Clarkson: Right, now then. Up, up and away...
Voiceover Clarkson: Starting with the unruly hedge opposite Gerald's house.[Clarkson tries his hand at hedge clipping]
Clarkson: Hedge clipping!
[Gerald observes in the distance]
Clarkson: Yes. Lovely, lovely.
[Clarkson passes Gerald]
Clarkson: All right, Gerald. (waves) The G-Dog is going to be dead chuffed as I've been out and sorted his hedge out for him.
Gerald: Jesus fucking Christ... oh, Jeremy! Christ now turn that machine off or else it's gon' take that hedge out for God sake! That wasn't the hedge that (unintelligible)![Kaleb is perplexed]
Kaleb: Fuckin' 'ell!
[Gerald laughs]
Kaleb: What the fuck is he doing?! Look at that, he's missed all the brambles! I told him to start from the bottom and then work up!
Gerald: That's like puttin' a t-shirt on 'yer back to make some bloody holes (unintelligible)! If you was a pigeon (unintelligible)!
[Gerald scoffs][Clarkson gets railed]
[Kaleb passed Gerald a walkie-talkie]
Kaleb: Here you are, mate! Tell him off!
[Clarkson stops by Gerald]
Gerald: I said (unintelligible)!
[Kaleb laughs in the background]
Gerald: (unintelligible)!
Clarkson: You're not happy, then?
[Gerald shakes his head in exasperation]
Clarkson: Right, well that's me sacked then!
[Clarkson drives off]
Clarkson: I honestly didn't think I was doing that bad a job.[Clarkson laughs at a photo]
Clarkson: I know some of you, err, will have been concerned the other day when Dilwyn the vet put his entire arm inside, um... inside the heifers, but really, there's no need to worry because (giggles) the next morning, I got a photograph, not a very good one, but a photograph nevertheless of Deeny the heifer who was... touched. And, uh... (laughs) so the photograph there, look. She just walked into the crush all by herself. (laughs) Just... "Where's that Welshman with the glove? Where is he? If you stand here, it's quite nice." Anyway, we've gotta make them pregnant now. Come on cows, it's time to be made pregnant! Well, two of you.[Clarkson makes comments]
Clarkson: Have you seen the amount of sex that's going on? It's like being at a sixth form party, this is!
[Clarkson sees an unruly cow]
Clarkson: Oh shit, did you see that?! They're being driven mad by lust![Charlie, Dilwyn and Tim arrive]
Voiceover Clarkson: As we finished getting them into the pen...
Clarkson: Ah!
Voiceover Clarkson: Charlie, Dilwyn and Tim the cowman arrived with the gentleman juice.
Clarkson: Is that seriously all sperm?
Dilwyn: No.
Tim: No, there's liquid nitrogen in there as well.
Clarkson: Oh, so for keeping it cool.
Charlie: For keeping it cool.[Clarkson asks an important question]
Clarkson: Is it 10 cc?
Dilwyn: It's less than that, it's about a mil.
Lisa: No, it's the average amount a man ejaculates.
Clarkson: That's why...
Lisa: That's why the band was called 10cc. Did nobody know that?
Charlie: No.[impregnation process complete]
Voiceover Clarkson: So, my beef supply was now up and running...
Dilwyn: Two heifers potentially pregnant!
Charlie: Thank you very much!
[rooster crows]
Voiceover Clarkson: ...the eggs were coming thick and fast...
[Clarkson opens henhouse]
Clarkson: It's a good haul this morning.
Voiceover Clarkson: ...and the chili chutney was in production. So things were looking good for my new low-miles, eco-friendly restaurant. All I had to do now... was win over the locals.
Schmoozing
- [Clarkson talks about the next steps]
Clarkson: I was now eager for Alan the builder to start turning the lambing barn into a restaurant, but before he could start work I had to get approval from the local authority.[Clarkson meets with a representative]
Clarkson: I'm here now to meet with the woman who runs the planning department at West Oxfordshire Council. So I'm going to, um, she doesn't wanna be filmed, they're gonna park cameras and sound recorders and everything and go in there 'cause this... this really matters, this meeting. If I get this wrong, she says "no" effectively, my plan for the year is... in tatters.[Operation Hearts and Minds]
Clarkson: This is the village, a mile or so from the lambing barn where my battle would be fought: Chadlington. It was the people living here who after the first season aired had been most annoyed by the shop's popularity.
[montage of events shown]
Clarkson: To try and cheer them up, I decided to launch Operation Hearts and Minds, which would begin here: in my wildflower meadows.[Clarkson enquires about the cost of wildflowers]
Clarkson: This is my favorite bit of the farm, the grassland down here. And also, cause how much is that seed if you were to sell it?
Horticultural Association Representative: About 90, £100 a kilo?
Clarkson: £100 a kilo? So it's by far the most valuable crop on the farm.
Horticultural Association Representative: (laughs) Probably is![a plane flies overhead]
Clarkson: Sorry, there's...
Horticultural Association Representative: Yes... the aeroplanes.
Clarkson: This is where the- my surface-to-air missile battery's going.
Horticultural Association Representative: I've rarely seen airplanes up here but they obviously know you're filming today.
Clarkson: They're here all the time. I think if I shoot one, it won't stop them, they'll think it was an accident. But if I do two or three, word will get out among the flying community...
Horticultural Association Representative: Yeah.
Clarkson: ...and they'll have to spend time with their wives.[Operation Hearts and Minds begins]
Clarkson: Wave at the neighbors, Operation Hearts and Minds and all that.[Operation Hearts and Minds continues]
Voiceover Clarkson: In truth though the wildflower seeds were just a warmup act. If I was going to win over the village I'd need a much grander gesture, so I thought of one.
[cuts to soccer pitch, followed by a group shot of the team showing the Diddly Squat Farm logo emblazoned on the team's jerseys]
Photographer: One, two, three. (takes photo) Perfect.
[cheers and applause from crowd]
Clarkson: Diddly Squad sponsors Chadlington football club.[Lisa grills Clarkson]
Lisa: Do you know the way you know all the names of the Chelsea football players?
Clarkson: Yeah.
Lisa: Do you know all the names of this team that you sponsor?
Clarkson: Chadlington? Yeah, of course I do.
Lisa: No you don't.
Clarkson: I do! It's easy here, right? Supporters, right? (points to Gerald, Gerald's brother and Kaleb) Cooper, Cooper and Cooper.
Lisa: Name me one.
Clarkson: (points to various players) Cooper, Cooper, Cooper, Cooper, Cooper... and there's Cooper. It just makes life so much simpler in the village.
Kaleb: Coopers take over.[Kaleb's commentary]
Clarkson: Kaleb however was very harsh with his commentary.
Kaleb: Ugh... that's bullshit.
[kickoff whistle blows]
Kaleb: You are... fucking joking me!
[kickoff whistle blows]
Kaleb: Get up! Josh, get up! Josh![Clarkson asks an important question]
Clarkson: If you ran Emiratesnote , is it like this do you think when you go to watch Arsenal? 'cause you're like "I'm the sponsor of this team, and I know how he feels."
Kaleb: (laughs) I think it's a little bit different.
Clarkson: No it's not! It's exactly the same.
Kaleb: No, just a little bit.[Clarkson sees a photo of Gerald wearing the team's jersey]
Clarkson: Was that you, 'cause it's in color!
[Gerald bursts out laughing][Clarkson contemplates his next purchase]
Voiceover Clarkson: And soon I began to realize that my next purchase as a team sponsor needed to be a scoreboard.
Clarkson: So you think it's what?
Male spectator 1: 3-1.
Clarkson: And you think it's 4-1?
Male spectator 2: I think it's 3-nil.
Female spectator: It's 2-all.
Clarkson: 2-all?
Charlie: Uh, it's 5-1.[Charlie types up the restaurant application]
Clarkson: Whilst I was buttering up the locals, Charlie was in his office, with its walls dripping in fine art, working hard on the restaurant planning application.
Charlie: Jeremy must essentially win over the parish council because they will have quite a lot of sway, um, in, sort of supporting the application. Um, but it's actually West Oxfordshire District Council that will decide whether the restaurant will go ahead or not. And the planning process, we have to please a lot of people, so we've got the police, we've got the highways, y'know, and highways are really on the farm shop; the police stop every other day to monitor traffic, so we've gotta get the access in and out just right. We've got archaeological surveys, we've got ecological surveys we've gotta get right; Oxfordshire County Council will, y'know, want to know that it has an economic benefit. We have to convince the Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty that it won't be a blot on the landscape, so we've gotta let them know where we're planting each hedge and each bush so there's not light pollution coming across the valley. It- It's a huge amount of work and red tape and we've gotta get it absolutely right, y'know, it's not just something that's plonked in the middle of, y'know, in the middle of the countryside.[Dilwyn visits]
Clarkson: Meanwhile, back on the farm, Dilwyn the vet paid a visit, though for once, not because he had to put his arm up an animal's bottom.[Clarkson introduces his new cultivator]
Clarkson: After the first series of Clarkson's Farm was aired, I was mocked cruelly by many farmers who said that my three-meter cultivator was too small for my tractor. Well they won't be mocking this time around because I've got a new one!
[dramatic shots of Clarkson's new cultivator]
Voiceover Clarkson: This is it: a huge and complex six-meter wide slab of science... and heavy engineering. Good job I have such a big tractor.[Clarksons seeks Kaleb's advice]
Voiceover Clarkson: Predictably, the rural Yoda chose that moment to turn up.
Clarkson: It won't move!
Kaleb: 'cause you've got four tons of machine on the back!
Clarkson: Well, it's- (begins to fumble over words) six, well- how does anybody else manage?!
Kaleb: You need a front weight, you muppet![Clarkson struggles]
Clarkson: How the fuck am I going to get out of here?[Clarkson adopts a last-ditch solution]
Voiceover Clarkson: Clearly, I needed to find a bit of extra weight. And luckily, some turned up!
[shot of Kaleb in front weight]
Kaleb: No whoa whoa whoa- ah! Ah!
Clarkson: Right, you ready?
[Kaleb signals to Clarkson, who drives off]
Kaleb: Handbrake! Turn the handbrake!
[Clarkson maneuvers out of the field]
Clarkson: It's working!
[Clarkson gives a thumbs-up]
Kaleb: Oh fuck...[Kaleb complains about the residents's complaints]
Kaleb: I would love to meet these people who have literally got nothing else to do apart from writing them letters. I'm that busy, you're that busy, y'know I haven't even got two minutes to sit down at a computer and write a big letter to you![Clarkson complains about complaints]
Clarkson: There was a really good complaint on the official council website the other day saying: "That so-called farmer at Diddly Squat..." Fair enough. "...doesn't actually produce anything on his farm." You see, well, I do. And then someone said "That lambing barn has never been used for lambing." But there's literally documentary evidence that says it has! You know, this is the level of complaint that just... that's why I thought I'd do a Q&A so people could say "What are you doing? What are your plans?"[Clarkson gets grilled by the locals]
Male resident: You have shown no sympathy or empathy with the people who live in the village. You described us as morons; you said "every village has one moron, I have six."
[Charlie and Kaleb laugh on eavesdropping]
Male resident: I don't want to be called a moron, I don't think you should do that, I think you should apologize for that.
Clarkson: I apologize to you immediately.
Male resident: Oh- okay.
Clarkson: You don't sound moronic at all, and your points are valid. Some of the points raised on the West Oxfordshire District Council website however, were moronic. "That lambing barn has never been used for lambing." "Nothing is produced on that farm." These things are silly things to say, 'cause obviously we do produce things on the farm.[Clarkson continues getting grilled]
Male resident 2: But the fact is, ultimately you're not a farmer! You're a media personality! But... we're not Love Island!
[Kaleb starts laughing]
Charlie: What?! What sort of-
Clarkson: You're right. I host Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?, and I do The Grand Tour, but the farm is my passion.
Male resident 3: You don't need an income from the shop!
Clarkson: No, the farm needs an income!
Male resident 3: You personally do not need an income!
Charlie: Oof.
Kaleb: His pants are definitely down tonight.
Clarkson: It's no good saying "Close the shop"; we're not gonna close the shop, y'know. We have to have an income stream for the farm.
Kaleb: Jeremy's answering 'em, though!
Charlie: Yeah, he is![Clarkson details his next steps]
Female resident: So you're planning on turning the lamb shed into a café, restaurant, whatever.
Clarkson: Yes! We now have the cows; some calves are ready, some heifers, they'll produce the beef. We'll have our eggs, we have our chickens, so we're starting to get all the things we need to be able to have this restaurant.
Male resident 3: I think what we would like to hear now is your very immediate plans for tidying up, traffic control and everything.
Clarkson: Okay, we need to talk to highways about getting rid of the cones; this will be first thing in the morning, it's hideous eyesore at the moment. We've got to put a little car wash thing so people have their wheels washed before going back on the roads so we don't have that mud on the road anymore, put neat wooden signs saying "Please do not park on the verges", so there are a number of things we could do which would make it a useful and pleasant amenity that you drive by and go "That looks pretty." And I want to get it so it's a great little farm shop with a great little café restaurant.[a resident has an important question]
Male resident 4: Can we have a VIP pass then?
[clapping and cheering from those present]
Clarkson: Yes, yes. We'll do a VIP pass with a discount. How's that sound?
[applause]
Clarkson: And on that cheery note, I bid you goodbye.[Clarkson details the next steps with Lisa]
Clarkson: We've got to start now. Get these cones up and gone, get that wire netting gone, all that plastic over there and those crates, get those bins hidden like they're supposed to be. The litter, which I can see all over everywhere, it's all got to go. Look at that manky hay bale! That's just awful![Lisa complains about the state of the farm]
Lisa: (sighs) What a twat! I mean, it is disgusting. It was fine during the summer, wasn't it? And then the rain came; and when it rained, it's fucked.[Clarkson uses a telehandler]
Kaleb: Y'want me to do it?
Clarkson: No! Right, watch this.
[drops hay bale, toppling over implement]
Kaleb: Fuck sake![Clarkson breaks his cultivator]
[loud thud]
Clarkson: Oh, fucking hell!
[Clarkson inspects the damage]
Clarkson: I hit the telegraph pole. Shit shit shit. Oooookay. Shit![Clarkson checks on the damage]
Clarkson: (sigh) I've broken it. That whole- that's all been bent back. You can see these are now pointing... they should be... and I've broken that one. Shit! I mean why have they put a telegraph pole there?![Kaleb sees the broken cultivator]
Kaleb: Fuck! Were you on your phone?
Clarkson: No!
Kaleb: You've fucked up big time now.
[Kaleb inspects the damage]
Kaleb: Fuckin' hell!
Clarkson: It's alright, I did that one as well.
Kaleb: You're such a muppet! Every time![Clarkson and Kaleb inspect the telegraph pole]
Kaleb: You better ring 'em up and 'tell em. They just- they just renewed all these!
Clarkson: I know they have. Why don't we just ignore it? It's only superficial, it's done more dama- I might ring them up and tell them they owe me for a new disc!
Kaleb: "You put a telegraph pole in the middle of my field, and I'm that stupid I can't go round it, so therefore now you owe-"
Clarkson: It was foggy! It was really foggy! I couldn't see it! Shit![Charlie inspects the damage]
Charlie: Bloody hell! I mean you ripped it off!
Clarkson: Yeah.
Kaleb: You've wrote the machine off.
Charlie: The- the- the- the problem is, this isn't ours. It's only on- we're only- this is a demonstrator. So... okay.
Clarkson: How much is this thing?
Charlie: 20,000 quid?
Clarkson: Oh for fuck's sake....[Clarkson's tractor has a problem]
Clarkson: Now it's changed! It's just the tractor, 0 kilometer an hour thing is flashing at me.
Kaleb: You've knocked your fan out, haven't you?
Clarkson: How the fuck can I have done that?! I haven't touched any buttons! Where's the fan button?!
Kaleb: Uuugh!
Badgering
- [Clarkson on his cows]
Voiceover Clarkson: Without a doubt the cows had been a very pleasing addition to Diddly Squat Farm.
[Clarkson herds the cows]
Clarkson: Good cows. Aren't they great?! Really! I mean, look at them!
Voiceover Clarkson: They'd come here to rejuvenate the soil and they were doing a good job.
Clarkson: Hello, Pepper! How are you this morning?
[Pepper moos in response][Clarkson's plans]
Clarkson: But, to make the eco-project pay its way, they'd need to produce meet for my new restaurant.
[flashback to artificial insemination]
Clarkson: Which is why a month earlier we'd spent £500 artificially inseminating Deeny and Pepper.
[flashback, then cuts back to the present]
Clarkson: And today, Dilwyn the vet would find out if the treatment had worked.[Clarkson makes a comment]
Clarkson: You know these things when woman are pregnant?
Lisa: Yup.
Clarkson: I've never been able to see a baby when they show you those ultrasound photographs; I can never see a baby.[Deeny is not in calf]
Lisa: Um...
Dilwyn: I can't see a calf in here.
Clarkson: Oh God...
Dilwyn: So she's not in calf as far as I'm concerned.[Pepper is prodded in]
Clarkson: Come on Pepper my love! There she goes! Gotcha!
Lisa: I think she's gonna be up the duff.[Pepper is not in calf]
Lisa: Come on, Pepper...
Dilwyn: No, she's not in calf.
Clarkson: Bugger! Bugger, bugger, bugger!
Dilwyn: It's a bit sad, isn't it?
Lisa: Yeah.[a decision has to be made]
Dilwyn: So... you gotta decide where you want to go from here, really.
Clarkson: Well we've gotta get them pregnant somehow.
Lisa: Shall we try and bring them on one more time for A.I.?note
Clarkson: Well, if we do another A.I...
Lisa: Yup.
Clarkson: ...and it doesn't work, then this- we're going to have this gap where the ladies and gentlemen will come to the restaurant and we'll have to serve them salad. Nobody wants to eat that shit.[Dilwyn suggests a bull]
Dilwyn: You can get a bull in; the timing is better with a bull, the amount of semen that the bull deposits is a lot greater, and also it's fresher as well.
Clarkson: Are you allowed to just keep bulls?
Kaleb: Yeah!
Dilwyn: Yeah, you are, but you'd have to put signs up at the footpath.
Kaleb: Yeah, it's fine!
Dilwyn: To say "Beware Of The Bull".[the nuclear option]
Dilwyn: The nuclear option which isn't quite so popular is that you eat the heifers.
Clarkson: Eat them?!
Dilwyn: You slaughter the heifers.
Clarkson: We gave them names!
Lisa: Now there's an idea.
Clarkson: And I'm not eating Pepper! And that's just an end of it! These two are the heifers that were bought for breeding purposes!
Kaleb: Welcome to farming.[Clarkson makes a decision]
Clarkson: With that terrible thought in mind, I booked the heifers in for another round of expensive A.I., even though Cheerful Charlie had said that in this neck of the woods, there's a good chance the cows wouldn't live that long.[the spread of bovine TB]
Voiceover Clarkson: Earlier in the week he brought along a map which charted the alarming spread of deadly bovine tuberculosis in the area.
Charlie: It's like a hotspot in this part of the world.
Clarkson: Jesus! That's close, in Bledington.
Charlie: Look on Norton, of Chipping Norton...
Clarkson: Oh yes yes yes yes!
Charlie: I would say that's closer.
Clarkson: Is that- that's a mile away from here.[Dilwyn briefs Clarkson on bovine TB]
Voiceover Clarkson: So. As Dilwyn was here, I sat down with him to get fully briefed.
Dilwyn: Cows can either get it from other cows with TB or they can get it from wildlife.
Clarkson: Which is deer and badgers.
Dilwyn: Yeah. You know, the cows are quite inquisitive, so- so basically, when they have a badger walking 'cross the field, they'll go up and sniff that badger, they well- they can't do that with a deer 'cause the deer's gone three fields away...
Clarkson: Uh...
Dilwyn: ...whereas a badger will actually interact with a cow. And the thing is with deer and foxes is that you can actually shoot foxes and keep them away from your land. You can't shoot badgers and keep them away from your land. They're a protected species since mid-1980s.
Clarkson: Mhm...
Dilwyn: To stop badger baiting. But badger baiting isn't a problem any more, so I think the government needs to adjust what is protected and what is not protected because some of the animals are over-protected at the moment.
Clarkson: And if one of my cows catches it, it has to be... shot?
Dilwyn: Yes, it has to be, yeah.[Clarkson is at a loss]
Clarkson: Um... I don't know what to do. You know, you've got Brian May running around going "Oh, badgers are lovely!" and Countryfile telling you every week "Aren't they sweet?" and "Aren't they fluffy?" and "Oh look at their little whiskers!" So I can't shoot them 'cause everyone thinks they're sweet.
Dilwyn: Mhm.
Clarkson: I don't know what to do![Clarkson and company look for evidence of badger life]
Clarkson: Tom had brought in badger specialist Andy.
Andy: This is where they mainly go in, that way.
Clarkson: And we all set off to look for evidence of badger life, which worryingly, didn't take long.[on the removal of badgers]
Voiceover Clarkson: Tom's trademark red flags hammered home the problem. And he was quick to warn me not to think what he thought I was thinking.
Tom: Unfortunately, Jeremy, you're facing one of the most heavily legislated mammals in the country.
Clarkson: We can't shoot them.
Tom: Nope.
Clarkson: Or gas them.
Tom: Nope.
Clarkson: Or fill in their holes.
Tom: Nope.
Clarkson: Oh, it's always "no".[Clarkson asks Tom and Andy an important question]
Clarkson: But... let's put it this way. I have a friend. Who lives nearby. And he's dealing with his badger problem... at night.
[Tom and Andy glance disapprovingly]
Clarkson: What would happen to him if he were to be caught shooting the badgers?
Andy: Well, if-
Tom: If he was caught, basically, damaging a sett, harming a badger, killing a badger, if there's any evidence that follows that, and you can be proved that you've done it...
Clarkson: No, no. My friend's done it.
Tom: Okay, well, if you're friend's done it, he's susceptible to risk twelve months in prison.
Clarkson: Right, I'll tell him.
Tom: £40,000 fine per badger.
Clarkson: Per badger?!
Tom: And per sett. So...
Clarkson: So he could be in serious trouble.
Tom: Could be in serious trouble! Don't disturb the setts. No.[trap cameras are set up]
Clarkson: There was of course always the slim chance the setts were empty, so to find out Casper the cameraman set up some claymores- I mean, trap cams. And the results were terrifying.
[multitudes of badgers shown on footage][Clarkson installs badger-proofing measures]
Clarkson: Since my poor herd was clearly in the cow equivalent of Rorke's Drift, I was forced to spend even more money installing some badger protection measures.[Clarkson goofs about]
Clarkson: Well, now this- I always think that if you're going to wear one you better be safe and wear two, 'cause it's just stupid to only wear one.
[Clarkson puts hard hat on top of his hard hat]
Clarkson: There you go, I'm fully safe.
Construction worker: I got you a double XLnote as well.
Clarkson: You can fuck off.[Clarkson is delighted]
Charlie: Anyway, I've got some great news.
Clarkson: What?
Charlie: Have you seen Kaleb's runway at the rape?
Voiceover Clarkson: The runway turned out to be indisputable evidence that the self-proclaimed best farmer at Diddly Squat had screwed up.
Charlie: That brown patch, that's the bit Kaleb's- that's not been drilled! He's missed it!
Clarkson: (scoffs) Hilarious![the farm receives an invitation]
Clarkson: Given that Kaleb was occasionally incompetent and I was constantly useless, it was odd that we'd been invited to the British Farming Awards in Birmingham to receive a gong.[Clarkson's ride]
Voiceover Clarkson: Naturally, Kaleb said he needed a new haircut for the occasion, which meant we were late setting off. But luckily my other job meant I had just the right car that week to get us there on time.
[sports car engine roars, panning to show a Lamborghini Huracán STO]
Kaleb: Fuckin' hell!
[engine roars]
Kaleb: I want one!
Clarkson: You want one of these?
Kaleb: Yeah!
Clarkson: Lambos are the best; if you're gonna have a really, really idiotic car...
Kaleb: Yeah.
Clarkson: ...you have to have a Lamborghini, because they're the most idiotic cars. You have to love it![Clarkson gets an award]
Clarkson: Over the next hour I saw awards given out to unsung heroes.
Farmer: Thank you very much!
Clarkson: People who work day and night at the mercy of weather, world politics and Whitehall nonsense, just to put food on all our tables. So I felt quite humbled when this happened.
Vernon Kay: The Flying the Flag for British Agriculture Award: Kaleb Cooper and Jeremy Clarkson![Clarkson's acceptance speech]
Clarkson: Obviously I'm a fraud here. Of course I am, I'm not a farmer. I'm a trainee farmer at best.
[Kaleb nods off stage]
Clarkson: Who here- stop nodding! I couldn't have done it without him; ladies and gentlemen: Kaleb Cooper!
[rapturous applause and cheering]
Kaleb: I won an award![Clarkson plots a prank]
Voiceover Clarkson: The next morning while Kaleb got over his hangover...
Clarkson: 240 yards.
Voiceover Clarkson: I was up early, planning a bit of boss-hoggery.
Clarkson: Right. So each letter would be 17 yards long... "The Cockend"? No... One, two, three, four... (groan) Here.
[Clarkson points]
Clarkson: This is an "S". Lovely. There...
[Clarkson continues preparing his prank]
Clarkson: This job's going to take a long time. But it's worth it. Wildflower seeds, good for the birds, good for the bees... and a handy reminder to Kaleb to not be on Instagram when driving a tractor!
[Clarkson finishes]
Clarkson: Yeah, that's it.[Georgia talks about TB]
Georgia: If you get TB, not only have you got a huge financial hit, your hands are literally physically tied until you become clear of TB because your farm is virtually shut down, and that means you get put under restriction. So the cows-
Clarkson: You can't sell your beefs?
Georgia: No, and the cows you lose to TB you can't buy in new ones so your input is stopped, and your output is stopped because you can't sell your cows at market.
Clarkson: And then, as you say, that's me out of the cattle market.
Georgia: Yeah. Currently it's costing not just farmers their livelihoods and a huge amount of their profit, in fact some people are having to give up their herds and their farming practices because of the disease. It costs the taxpayer 150 million this year just gone.
Clarkson: The taxpayer paid 150 million to slaughter cattle that had caught TB.
Georgia: All the measures.
Clarkson: And farmers are being literally wiped out by it.
Georgia: Yeah.[Georgia introduces a project to Clarkson]
Georgia: But, we need to have greater understanding of the disease, 'cause that's only a good thing, and this is where I thought you might be interested in these.
[Georgia lifts up a biowaste bag]
Georgia: The idea of this project is to look into whether there's TB in the badger carcasses.
Clarkson: Oh right.
Georgia: So they've got to be roadkilled or found dead carcasses, so sometimes when you're driving across the road you'll see one on the side of the road.
Clarkson: Yeah.
Georgia: If it's relatively fresh...
Clarkson: Mhm.
Georgia: That is a good candidate for this project.[Clarkson agrees to the project]
Clarkson: So, if I found a carcass on the road...
Georgia: Yes.
Clarkson: Which is fresh, like I've just run over- ah I haven't, I mean someone's just run over it. It- I- it could be me or Kaleb, we put it in a bag, and then if it's got TB, there's a good chance that the other badgers around here have got TB.
Georgia: Well, it's about building a picture over a large landscape, so...
Clarkson: Exactly, so how many badgers have to be run over for you to have a meaningful figure?
Georgia: Found. So in Oxfordshire we're looking to find a hundred.
Clarkson: So all my neighbors have got to find dead badgers.
Georgia: Roadkill or ones that are already found dead.[Georgia introduces Clarkson to the procedures]
Georgia: So. When you find a badger, you- before touching it, you get these bags ready. You find your badger carcass, you're absolutely sure it's dead...
Clarkson: Yeah.
Georgia: And if it isn't, you ring your vet.
Clarkson: You don't just hit it with a hammer?
Georgia: No you absolutely do not just hit it with a hammer.[Clarkson gets drunk]
Voiceover Clarkson: If I'm honest, Rick's lecture soon became a bit fuzzy. But even though I'd sampled many glasses of this delicious new lager, I felt I should make a contribution.
Clarkson: I'll tell you what this is: it's a wellness beer. It's- it's a... spa beer.
[Rick eyes Clarkson, perplexed]
Voiceover Clarkson: Since the man they were filming was now talking drivel...
Clarkson: You know, if you go to a spa, what they should say is "Would you like..."
Voiceover Clarkson: The crew decided to make better use of their time...
[crew toasts and drinks Hawkstone Lager]
Voiceover Clarkson: ...and then I was driven home by an extremely patient director.[Clarkson slices his finger]
Clarkson: Can you imagine how easily you could take a finger- ah! Fucking hell!
Lisa: Why did you do that?!
[Clarkson writhes in pain]
Lisa: Jesus darling, you've literally taken the whole thing off!
Clarkson: Ah, shit!
Lisa: Ah, that's bad. You've literally taken it down to the bone.
Clarkson: Oooh! Fuck!
Lisa: Oh my God, it's left- oh my God! It's left, look! There it is! There's your skin!
Clarkson: Oh shit, it is.
Lisa: It is your thumb!
Clarkson: That is actually my thumb, isn't it? Yeah.[Clarkson gets a skin graft]
Voiceover Clarkson: That evening at the hospital with Lisa on filming duties, a man with a steady hand put me back together.
Clarkson: So he's stitched me up using the old bit of skin which might or might not be a bit of potato. So what we've proved is cooking is more dangerous than farming.
Lisa: Your cooking.[Clarkson finds a dead badger]
Voiceover Clarkson: A few days later my thumb was on the mend and while I was driving along at the edge of the farm, I finally found a reason to break out one of Georgia's badger bags.
[car door slams, pans to show a badger carcass]
Clarkson: Look at it.
[Clarkson nudges the carcass with his feet]
Clarkson: Fresh, look. Still squidgy. Look at those teeth, which he uses for ripping hedgehogs to pieces, its claws for pulling them apart. I'm gonna bag it up.
[Clarkson suits up]
Clarkson: Gloves. First bag.
[Clarkson lifts the badger into the bag]
Clarkson: Bloody hell! Holy shit! You fat- how many hedgehogs have you eaten?!
[Clarkson zip-ties the bag, then puts the bag into another bag]
Clarkson: Jesus Christ! Ghastly animal![Clarkson chats with a dairy farmer]
Voiceover Clarkson: At the taxpayers's expense, the badger was taken away for TB testing, and to be honest, I was quite glad about the name of the courier company,note because the news from the local dairy farmer who supplies our shop with milk was not good.
Clarkson: Hi Emma! How's things?
Emma: Err, we've gone down with TB again, so... uh...
Clarkson: (under his breath) Oh, you're joking...
Emma: No. It's not good. It's a bit rubbish.
Clarkson: Oh no...[the cow barn is now built]
Voiceover Clarkson: That is what life is like for so many cow farmers these days: soul-destroying. But at least the winter home for my small herd was finally ready... and what's more, we'd been given the perfect day for moving them into it.
[thunder cracks, cut to scene of a heavy rainstorm]
Charlie: Oh!
Kaleb: (muffled) Holy shit!
Clarkson: Jesus Christ!
Kaleb: (muffled) I can't get this bloody-
Clarkson: I have not seen rain like this in quite a while! Oh man![Clarkson attempts to herd the cows using food]
Clarkson: No no no, stop it! Stop it!
[cows prod Clarkson]
Clarkson: What the fuck- oi! Stop it!
[cow proceeds to headbutt Clarkson]
Clarkson: I'm being attacked by a cow![Clarkson gets the results from the badger's lab test]
Voiceover Clarkson: The next morning, having not given in, Mountaineering Cow was finally in the barn. And as the herd enjoyed their breakfast, I went through the post.
Clarkson: We have the result back from badger 350 which we collected. This one has tested positive. Oh, that means we've isolated a bacteria in the same group as the one that causes bovine TB. (sighs) Which means it's likely all the badgers on the farm have got TB. Oh... no... (sigh)[Kaleb sees the results]
Kaleb: What've you got?
Clarkson: This morning's post.
[Clarkson hands Kaleb the letter]
Kaleb: Shit.
Council-ing
- [Dilwyn arrives for the TB test]
Dilwyn: Right, moment of truth.[Dilwyn gives an anecdote]
Dilwyn: I did a test of 400 animals the other day, and I found a reactor on the last animal. Everybody was just relaxing...
Clarkson: 400?
Dilwyn: ...and that was the start of an outbreak.[the TB test is completed]
Dilwyn: 14-10. You've got a clear TB test!
Clarkson: That is a result! Oh, fantastic!
Lisa: So pleased about that.
Charlie: Well done! Good news![Clarkson talks about upcoming events]
Clarkson: It was now mid-winter, and two important events were fast approaching: the pregnant cows would soon give birth, and we would receive West Oxfordshire Council's decision on my restaurant application, and on that front, Charlie was on the warpath.[Charlie advises Clarkson and Lisa]
Charlie: Just while we've got this bigger planning application in for the restaurant, I just really think that we need to behave here. We can't load their gun any more.[Clarkson and Charlie discuss about the status of the application]
Charlie: Well, look. I think fundamentally I-
Clarkson: This is not gonna be good this, is it?
Charlie: I think the bit that I'm sort of worried about is the consultees really being by the book. Y'know, it's not just "Thanks very much, that looks alright.", they're making comment.
Clarkson: What do you mean "the consultees"? Who are they?
Charlie: So they're, y'know, environmental health, or, y'know, local highways, or the police, for example, and we've discussed that-
Clarkson: What have the police got to say about it? How can you live in a country where the police are allowed to have an opinion on a restaurant?[Clarkson flips through the pages]
Clarkson: Hold on. Cycle storage?
Charlie: Correct.
Clarkson: "The provision" as it says here...
Charlie: Of- of-
Clarkson: "For cycli- for bicycle parking." What does that have to do with the police?
Charlie: So he is the Crime Prevention Design Advisor.
Clarkson: What?!
Charlie: That's what he does.
Clarkson: But if we say we're not employing cyclists?
Charlie: I'm not sure- I don't think that's gonna be very helpful.
Clarkson: Do I have to be inclusive?
Charlie: As inclusive as you can be.
Clarkson: I mean I am inclusive, just not cyclists![Clarkson gets exasperated]
Charlie: Then there's environmental health, and the AONB, so the Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty. What conditions are they gonna put on? And the drainage. So the West Oxfordshire District Council, they're going to want to see a flood alleviation scheme, so you don't get surface-
Clarkson: It's 800 feet above sea level, miles from a river! Why don't they just write back saying "We've got nothing to say"?!
Charlie: Because... people have got too much time on their hands, haven't they?
[Clarkson groans]
Charlie: Okay... let's not dwell on it any more. There is- there is work ahead of us.[a calf is born]
Voiceover Clarkson: A few days later, I got an urgent early morning call from Kaleb.
Clarkson: What's happening?
[Kaleb takes Clarkson to the cow shed]
Clarkson: Oh!
Kaleb: Congratulations!
Clarkson: NO! NO WAY! WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?!
Kaleb: Last night.
Clarkson: OH MY GOD! What is it?
Kaleb: Little heifer calf. That's a girl by the way.
Clarkson: Oh I know that, I've learnt that.[the calf releases some waste]
Kaleb: She's trying to have a poo. That's a really good sign.
Clarkson: Here it comes! Ladies and gentlemen, IT'S THE FIRST FECES- oh the mother's gonna eat it. Yes the mother's eating it.[more calves are born]
Voiceover Clarkson: I may have missed the birth of my first calf, but then, over the next few days, I managed to miss the next batch as well.
Clarkson: Oh for heaven's sake. One, two, three calves have come out. Problem we're having, I'm sure you'd like to see the birth, but the cow just goes (coughs) and then there's a calf. It's very difficult to film.[Clarkson discusses with Charlie and Kaleb about fertilizer prices]
Kaleb: It's like gold, isn't it? It's literally like...
Clarkson: It is literally gold. How much has it gone up by?
Charlie: We bought this at £275 a ton, and now it's about £675 a ton.
Clarkson: How many tons have we got?
Charlie: Err, there's 80 there. So what's that? About 30,000 quid.[Clarkson wonders about rising fertilizer prices]
Clarkson: Why is it so fucking expensive?!
Charlie: There's this bloke, right, he's called Vladimir.
Clarkson: Oh. Put- well...
Kaleb: Well, especially with all this war stuff going on at the minute as well.[Clarkson attempts to alleviate Kaleb's concerns]
Voiceover Clarkson: Staggered that Kaleb knew Putin was making noises about invading Ukraine, I gave him some of my wisdom.
Clarkson: Oh no, there's not gonna be a war.
Kaleb: Oh well, I dunno...
Clarkson: There isn't.
[video freezes, arrows point towards Clarkson, labeled "MYSTIC MEG"][Clarkson protects his fertilizer]
Voiceover Clarkson: Since my fertilizer was now worth more than Elon Musk, it made sense to protect it from burglars.
Clarkson: Right, here it is. So if you could give us a hand...
Gerald: Yeah.
Voiceover Clarkson: Which meant asking my head of security to help me fit a high-tech alarm system.[Clarkson wonders how to protect his chickens from bird flu]
Clarkson: So how do we stop this lot getting it?
Paddy: We will have to shut the birds in.
Clarkson: What? Really? What, completely?
Paddy: Yeah, completely. For about three months.
Steph: Until we've got the all-clear, isn't it?
Paddy: 'till we get the all-clear.
Clarkson: Shit.[Paddy on chickens and radio stations]
Paddy: They start off with Radio One when they're young, move on to Radio Two when they're middle-aged and Radio Four when they're old.[Kaleb sets off the fertilizer protection system]
Clarkson: You go and get the nuts, we'll give 'em those. Right. We've gotta put another pen in here, so you'll have a friend to talk to. And then...
[siren sounds]
Clarkson: Oh, you haven't?!
Kaleb: What the fuck?!
Clarkson: Oh, you have! Oh, fucking Kaleb![Kaleb questions Clarkson]
Kaleb: What was it?!
Clarkson: We put that system in that completely fills the place with smoke!
Kaleb: Why didn't you tell me?!
Clarkson: I thought Gerald had! He's head of security! We put it in this morning!
Kaleb: Well he didn't inform me! What you playin' at?!
Clarkson: Oh, fuck's sake...
Kaleb: I nearly shit myself![Clarkson loses his bearings]
Clarkson: I've had- literally, we've had it in... three hours. I mean, I was hoping never- ugh. I can't- I can't- where's the fucking door?![a heifer is born]
[Dilwyn uses a jack to birth a heifer while the mother cow moos in pain]
Kaleb: Oh!
Clarkson: Whoa!
[Clarkson inspects the calf]
Clarkson: Yes!
Lisa: Let me know when I can me a go.
Clarkson: She's- she's alright! She's blinking! He. It.
Dilwyn: It's an "it" for the time being.[Clarkson realizes something]
Clarkson: So we're feeding 7- 800, 840, 850, 860... 986 people from one cow. That's nearly a thousand people!
Henry: Yeah, it is a helluva lot of meat!
Voiceover Clarkson: But then, everything came crashing down.
Clarkson: Oh God. If we've got sixty covers in the restaurant...
Henry: Yep.
Clarkson: And it's twice a day, that's a hundred and twenty people a day.
Henry: Yep.
Clarkson: And I've got two cows that are ready to go, or will be soon.
Henry: Right.
Clarkson: So if everybody did want beef, I'd have to close the restaurant after sixteen days. That's not good business, is it? Oh God![Clarkson realizes something]
Clarkson: Up to this point, I'd only been thinking about the needs of Diddly Squat Farm. But in the meeting, it soon became clear that these hard-working folk needed the restaurant even more than we did.[Clarkson on Emma's plight]
Clarkson: It turned out that no one needed the restaurant more than Emma, the local dairy farmer whose herd had been ravaged by TB...
[flashback to earlier conversation]
Clarkson: ...and who was only being kept afloat by selling milk and milkshakes at our farm shop.[Clarkson is motivated]
Clarkson: And having heard from Emma, I realized just how vital it was that the council granted us planning permission for the restaurant.[Clarkson's problems]
Voiceover Clarkson: The second opponent was a local who had decided to be my nemesis.
Clarkson: One of the people in the village, Hamish Dewar, has employed a London planning barrister to submit his objections on the application.
Charlie: It's quite frightening, you know. I know you're reading it, but as he writes there, he puts "We will develop two million square meters". Two million square meters! Do you know how big two million square meters is?!
Clarkson: It's two square kilometers, isn't it?
Charlie: Yes, hectares? Acres? 200 hectares, 500 acres!
Clarkson: 500 acres?
Charlie: You're gonna build... a new town!
Clarkson: (laughing) Five... hundred... acres...!
Charlie: Sod the restaurant, you're putting up a hospital!
Clarkson: That's half my farm!
Charlie: The worrying thing is, the planning officer has put that straight into her report that they're reading today.
Clarkson: Now I know one man has employed a barrister and the barrister's opinion has been picked up wrong by one woman at the council, but that doesn't mean they're going to refuse it.
Charlie: No, it doesn't! No.
Clarkson: Exactly.[Clarkson and Charlie meet a familiar face on the way to the meeting]
Clarkson: Oh, look who's here! It's the G-Dog!
Charlie: Hello!
Clarkson: Council.
Gerald: Yeah... best of luck.
[Clarkson drives off]
Clarkson: Yeah... thanks Gerald.[barrister Streeten attacks Clarkson]
Clarkson: Then it was the turn of the barrister who'd been employed by my staunch opponent from the village.
Barrister Charles Streeten: Planning permission was granted as recently as 2019 for a lambing shed with potential for occasional filmmaking. The applicant said then that sheep farming would improve the wider farming business. The reality is that the applicant has done sheep farming, he never intended to do it more than once and the lambing shed was a Trojan horse conveniently located next to the farm shop so it could be converted into a bar and restaurant. And that's what's happened! The applicant's conduct is shameful; it indicates a "give me an inch and I'll take a mile" attitude and it militates strongly against the grant of planning permission. Granting planning permission conflicts with the statutory objective of conserving and enhancing the Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty. That, speaking frankly, is a matter of obvious common sense: turning countryside into a carpark and introducing additional congestion visually and on the transport network harms the AONB and its tranquility. It would never normally be granted planning permission and there is no reason why it should be in this case.
Councilman Jeff Haine: Thank you, Mr. Streeten.[Clarkson pleads his case]
Voiceover Clarkson: After this minor kicking, I was given three minutes to plead my case.
[barrister Streeten walks back to his seat]
Clarkson: Uh, thank you for having us. Um, much has been made of the fact that this, uh, area is an Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty, which it is. And the reason it is is because farmers maintain it. Farmers look after the woodland, they look after the hedges, the streams, the fields, they keep it beautiful. But farmers are not going to be able to do that for much longer because of the parlous state of their finances. We have been told as farmers to diversify and that is exactly what this proposal is: it's a diversification of a farming business. I know council from whom you've just heard has prepared a report, I've read it, and if you can wade through the spelling mistakes, you get to the fact that the car park was going to be two square kilometers. That's 500 acres! Now that's half the size of the farm! Now, in my old job, I might've paved over the countryside but I've moved on from that and I don't want to do any such thing. It's a very small carpark, very sensitively put together. We've already started talking to our neighboring farmers, the idea being that we do the beef and the potatoes and somebody else does the chicken, somebody else does the milk, so we all come together: locally-produced food sold in this restaurant. Everyone's very excited about that as you can imagine, and we don't have to build anything! The building is already there. So I commend the, uh, the plans to you and I very much hope for the sake of our farm and all the farmers in the area that you grant planning permission to us. Thank you, uh, very much for your time.[Clarkson mocks the barrister]
Clarkson: (whispers) You should learn to spell.[the result is in]
Councilman Jeff Haine: All those in favor of refusal, please show.
[many council members, including Haine, raise their hands]
Councilman Jeff Haine: And those against.
[two council members raise their hands]
Councilman Jeff Haine: The application is refused.[Clarkson and Charlie drive back to the farm]
Clarkson: Shit. Shit shit shit.
Counselling
- [Clarkson breaks the bad news to Kaleb]
Kaleb: That's not a happy face.
Clarkson: Well, it isn't a happy face.
Kaleb: What happened? They're not gonna do it at all?
Clarkson: No. Total refusal.[Alan overhears the conversation]
Clarkson: And the lawyer told the council-
[Alan walks in]
Clarkson: -alright, Alan.
Alan: That's made us redundant then for the next six months!
Clarkson: Yup. You're redundant.[Clarkson rants]
Clarkson: Fucking planners. I mean, you must've come across them a lot.
Alan: Fucking ridiculous!
Charlie: 50+ people that would've employed!
Alan: Unbelievable. Unbelievable![Kaleb asks Clarkson an important question]
Kaleb: What about all the farmers, y'know, that would have employed, y'know, pork and stuff like that, local people?
Clarkson: I know. We told them that.
Kaleb: Crop to farm. It's not gonna happen now, is it?
Clarkson: And now we've got these cows and absolutely no way of selling them profitably.[Clarkson continues ranting]
Clarkson: Well I know people at home are going to be thinking "Why did he spend all this money before he got planning permission?" Well if the restaurant opened in April, May, whenever Alan got it built, you'd had to be able to sell something. That's why we got the cows now. 'cause I couldn't see a reason why they'd turn the planning permission down. I didn't know that that man watches Sky At Night! I couldn't see that that was a relevant fact![Alan suggests something to Clarkson]
Alan: You can appeal.
Clarkson: Secretary of State?
Kaleb: What's a Secretary of State? What does that mean?
Clarkson: Secretary of State is the actual government.
Charlie: Yeah. We can't not do anything.[Clarkson views letters of support]
Voiceover Clarkson: Back at the office, I discovered that even people on their side of the fence agreed with me.
Clarkson: I've had messages on social media from councilors in other councils saying that decision was... idiotic and that I should take them to court. And I've had one from Roger Daltrey saying "Welcome to the land of NO! I'm sorry to hear your planning was turned down Jeremy. How dare you diversify!" This is the lead singer of The Who and I'm- I'll listen more to him than some... Herbert councilor. "I'm putting in planning permission for a microbrewery on my farm; water from a spring, hops and grain from the local farms. The cost of just putting in the planning with all the environmental surveys, newts, bats, earwigs and such: £70,000. How can the average farmer afford that?! Oh boy, can you have some fun with this when you go to appeal. Be lucky, mate. Roger." (sighs)[Clarkson breaks the bad news to the farming cooperative]
Voiceover Clarkson: I then had to break the news to our little cooperative.
Clarkson: They've turned us down.
Male pig farmer: Yeah, we did hear.
Female pig farmer: That's really disappointing for us. We're desperate, on our knees, to get rid of more- more pigs.
Male pig farmer: Our farm's overflowing with pigs at the moment.
Clarkson: Well, I mean, pig farmers are suffering- well I was about to say more than anyone but... Emma's got TB, so... so, how many- you've lost 60 cows now?
Emma: Yeah. Yeah, 60 in total.
Clarkson: And you can't get rid of pigs.
Female pig farmer: We can't get rid of them. And the price is horrendous and the feed costs are astronomical.
Male pig farmer: We're cereal farmers and we're buying in wheat at these astronomic prices to feed the pigs.
Female pig farmer: And making no money.
Clarkson: Jesus.[Clarkson gets news about his potato chips]
Clarkson: Environmental and Regulatory Services of West Oxfordshire District Council. "According to the results, the sample measures 10,500 micrograms of acrylamide-" what?
[Clarkson takes a closer look at the letter]
Clarkson: My crisps are carcinogenic. How many people knew that a certain type of potato when cooked in a certain type of oil could perhaps cause cancer?! How would you know that?!
[Clarkson searches information on the Internet]
Clarkson: (inaudible muttering) Prepared from twenty (unintelligible)...
[Clarkson finishes reading]
Clarkson: Ugh. So if I want to make crisps I have to use a different type of potato. That means I've got- how many tons of Melody potatoes have I got in cold storage? Which have started to sprout? Ohhhhhh Goooooooooddddddd![Clarkson pierces a cow]
Clarkson: I DID A THING![Clarkson, Charlie and Kaleb register the cows]
Voiceover Clarkson: Once the tagging was complete, the numbers all had to be registered with the government's cow police. So, Kaleb stayed in the shed and rang them through to Charlie and me.
Kaleb: (over the phone) Right. You ready?
Charlie: Yeah.
Kaleb: (over the phone) So 300225...
Charlie: Yeah.
Kaleb: (over the phone) ...is the mother of 50002.
Charlie: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. 400002?
Kaleb: (over the phone) No, 5.
Charlie: 5. 5?
Clarkson: How can that be?
Kaleb: (over the phone) Trust me this. Can- hear me out, hear me out. Chill out. Chill out. Right... and now I don't know.
[Clarkson begins laughing]
Kaleb: (over the phone) The 400177...
[Clarkson begins laughing again]
Kaleb: (over the phone) Yeah?[Clarkson and Charlie can't take it any more]
Charlie: Last time, you said 500164 had calf 400001.
Kaleb: (over the phone) 2. That's number 2.
[Charlie and Clarkson burst out laughing]
Charlie: No, seriously...
Kaleb: (over the phone) I'm going from the beginning!
Clarkson: Oh no! No! God! Has anybody got a gun?![Clarkson meets Robin of the British Hedgelaying Society]
Clarkson: Alright, looking for a man called Robin, who is an hedge person.
Voiceover Clarkson: Robin is a scout for the British Hedgelaying Society, and he'd come to see me because Diddly Squat had been invited to host a prestigious competition.
Clarkson: There he is. Examining the hedge. Excellent![Clarkson introduces a drink to Robin]
Clarkson: There's a drink here, I don't know if you've come across it, King's Ginger.
[Robin drinks a shot]
Clarkson: Which I'm always amused by. It says here: "This ginger beverage was specifically formulated by Berry Brothers in 1903 for King Edward VII."
[Robin starts laughing]
Clarkson: "It was created to stimulate His Majesty during morning rides in his new horseless carriage."
[Robin bursts into laughter]
Clarkson: It was actually invented for drinking and driving!
[Robin and Clarkson burst into laughter]
Clarkson: "This'll keep you warm, sir!"
Robin: Horse- horseless carriage![Clarkson and Kaleb compare their tractors]
Clarkson: 185 horsepower. How much was it?
Kaleb: 104.
Clarkson: Two-and-a-half times more expensive than my tractor and with a hundred horsepower less. Lifting capacity of this?
Kaleb: 8.75?
Clarkson: Ten and a half.
Kaleb: Yeah? I've got GPS.
Clarkson: Pfft. Right. And how long do you think you're gonna have GPS before it's stolen?
Kaleb: Oh, a couple of months.
Clarkson: What's the longest a farmer's ever owned GPS before they get up in the morning and someone's nicked it?
Kaleb: Probably six months is the longest time.[Clarkson doesn't kill a mouse]
Clarkson: The mouse lives because I can drive![the hedgelaying competition begins]
Clarkson: Thirty-two of the country's finest competitors, each allotted a nine-meter section of unkempt hedge, would be making a living fence using five different styles: Dorset, North Somerset, Midland, Lancs & Westmoreland and Welsh.
Judge: Welcome to Diddly Squat. Judging will take place through the day, the scores will be added up on the computer this time so there'll be no mistake.
[competitors laugh]
Judge: If you're all ready, go![Gerald shows up]
Voiceover Clarkson: As the hedge-bound managers toiled away, they were joined by a rival from Wall Street and his wife.
Clarkson: Hi Gerald.
Gerald: Good morning.
Clarkson: How are you Mrs. Gerald?
Gerald's wife: Fine, thank you.
Clarkson: This is good, innit?
Gerald: Yeah, it is! (unintelligible)[Clarkson and Kaleb decide to build a hedge fence]
Clarkson: Well I'm gonna have a try at this.
Voiceover Clarkson: In fact, Kaleb and I both decided to have a try.[Clarkson makes an important comment]
Clarkson: Have you noticed again how we are hitting every single diversity target that you have to hit on TV these days? Black, homosexual, transitioning.[Clarkson and Kaleb attempt to build a hedge fence]
Kaleb: Jeremy, are you doing midland style?
Clarkson: I'm doing a Brazilian, unless I get it wrong in which case it's a Hollywood.
[judge laughs, Kaleb is perplexed]
Clarkson: You don't know what I'm talking about, do you? Do you not know what a Brazilian is?
Kaleb: I've never ever seen a Brazilian person.[Gerald inspects Clarkson's fence]
Voiceover Clarkson: Mercifully, we were interrupted at this point by Gerald, who wanted to inspect my handiwork.
Clarkson: That looks great, dunnit?
Gerald: Dear oh dear.
Clarkson: But that, that there, those...
Gerald: What a load of shit! I mean... (unintelligible)[Clarkson and Kaleb ditch building a hedge fence]
Voiceover Clarkson: Having created nothing more than a sodding great gap in the hedge, Kaleb and I went to see how the experts were getting along.
[montage of hedge cutting and fence-making]
Clarkson: Holy shit, look at this!
Kaleb: That's amazing![Clarkson is in awe]
Clarkson: Oh, hello, there's another beauty here, look. And that's Midlands?
Female contestant: Yes.
Clarkson: Yeah, they made the Austin Allegro and the Morris Marina in the Midlands, but they do give us the best hedge. That's a beautiful hedge.[the contest is now over]
Clarkson: Eventually, the five hours were up. The fencemakers went off to have lunch in the marquee, and Simon Cowell and Amanda Holden moved in to start judging.
Judge: It's not following the flow of the hedge, but otherwise they've done a very good job.
Clarkson: I did not envy their task because the whole length of the field was now a work of art.[Clarkson and Kaleb reveal the winner of the competition]
Voiceover Clarkson: With the runners-up sorted, Kaleb and I then had to announce the overall winner. And we were very slick.
Clarkson: Right, so this is it. The supreme champion. Do we know who it is?
Judge: Yes.
[crowd laughs]
Clarkson: I mean we...
Judge: The supreme champion today...
[Kaleb and Clarkson bicker]
Clarkson: ...I know, but we need to know the name, 'cause we-
Judge: Paul Gulliford.
[cheers erupt][Clarkson gives the closing address]
Clarkson: Thank you all ever so much for coming, we hope you enjoyed- you enjoyed your day, and we hope you'll enjoy watching yourselves on television. (turns to look at Paul) Well, you will, 'cause you won. Everybody else is being edited out.
[laughter erupts][Charlie is at a loss]
Charlie: Okay... that's that, then. Um, you know, with that level of cost, you know, there's no chance ever of making, you know, a profit, no matter, you know, how good the business plan is. Half a million pounds to fund, y'know, an appeal for the Secretary of State that we might not even win, you know... you know, that's the notion of the restaurant gone. I just... you know, actually even I don't know what we should do now.
Scheming
- [Clarkson recounts the events leading up to their current situation]
Clarkson: Diddly Squat Farm was now wounded. With no proper carpark, the shop was a ship holed below the waterline. And the restaurant dream... was dead.[a silver lining]
Clarkson: But it wasn't all doom and gloom, because away from our difficulties with the local council, Mother Nature was waking up.[Lisa and Clarkson have a conversation]
Clarkson: You know, I am the world's leading motoring journalist.
Lisa: I think I know why I get nervous driving with you.
Clarkson: No need to go "Ooh!" every time I pull up to a junction.
Lisa: It's 'cause you look at me when you talk to me when you're driving.
Clarkson: I know, 'cause I've got binocular rivalry. I can see two things at once, like an Apache gunship whatever...
Lisa: Like a goldfish.[Clarkson attempts to herd a calf]
Clarkson: Down you go, down you go. No no no! (under his breath) Oh, for fuck's sake...[the disobedient calf is finally herded]
Charlie: No no no no no no no!
Voiceover Clarkson: After maiming just about all of us...
[Clarkson gets stepped on by a calf]
Clarkson: Ow! Fuck you, cow!
[Kaleb struggles and fails to restrain the calf]
Lisa: Down...
Voiceover Clarkson: The delinquent calf was finally corralled into the field.
Lisa: Well done Charlie!
Clarkson: Well done Charlie Ireland![Clarkson finds a rooster in his henhouse]
Clarkson: Hey!
[rooster crows]
Steph: Where did he come from?
Clarkson: Jesus! That cockerel has had six months in a women's prison!
Steph: (laughs) He liked the look of the ladies![Clarkson hatches a plan to make profits]
Voiceover Clarkson: But, while it was great to have the animals out and about, we still had the worry of how on earth the farm could make money when it was being subjected to so many council restrictions.
Clarkson: We're gonna have to live in a murky gray area of loopholes and cunning wheezes is what we're gonna have to do.
Lisa: Yeah.
Clarkson: It's going to be very murky and very gray, where we're going to be living. But we have to stay...
Lisa: Within the law.
Clarkson: We have to stay just on the right side.[the plan springs into action]
Clarkson: And we started this new policy on the day we reopened the farm shop after its winter hibernation.
Lisa: Right, let's put this- all the bread up here...
Clarkson: Most of the stock had been produced either at Diddly Squat or within the council-imposed sixteen-mile radius.
Lisa: All that's local, that's fine, this is all local, this is all local, this is all local...
Clarkson: But the bags and the hats and the t-shirts were not really local at all.
Lisa: (muffled) Thank you. Hi hi, how are you?
Clarkson: And so, on reopening day...
Lisa: We don't sell t-shirts; we're giving them away for free.
Customer: Ah, right.
Lisa: But if you'd like to buy a Brussels sprout for £20, I can give you a free t-shirt. There's complicated reasons.
Customer: Yes, that's fine.
Lisa: Great![Lisa comments on the plan]
Lisa: Yeah, it's working well, and I think people like the fact that they, um, can still buy our stock- um, well, not. They can still get it for free, even if we can't sell it.[Charlie finds a loophole]
Clarkson: Meanwhile outside, Charlie had come up with a cheeky plan to solve our car-parking issues.
Charlie: There is a little loophole open; it's a 28-day planning notice, which means we can use any parcel of land for 28 days as a temporary carpark. So we can use the field behind us, and then luckily, because Jeremy's got a number of fields, we can use that field for 28 days and then we can use that field for 28 days to keep people safely parked so they can use the shop.[Alan finds a loophole]
Voiceover Clarkson: Sadly though there was no cunning way of reigniting the restaurant, as I explained to Alan when he called by.
Clarkson: The problem I've got is that I can't afford to go to the Secretary of State.
Alan: Yeah.
Clarkson: We've gotta go through another planning process with old Sky at Night boy. It's gonna be over a year, eighteen months. I mean that's just gonna be another planning committee meeting and then another, and...
Alan: Well it's ridiculous, because over in the field, as you know, we've got a barn that has been there a hundred years. So after ten years you can do what you want, and at the moment, they say farmers can use a barn for a pop-up shop or, and you could turn that into something straight away.
Clarkson: Hold on! Whoa, that barn over there?
Alan: Yeah! That barn in the middle of the field.
Clarkson: We don't need planning permission?
Alan: No.[Clarkson and Alan think about next steps]
Clarkson: So you're saying we can make that...
Alan: Yes you can.
Clarkson: Into a restaurant?
Alan: That is already on your land and it's there. Just repair it, it's a beautiful old barn.
Clarkson: What about power?
Alan: We've got three-phase over there, so we've got enough to take it; we can take water from here as well.
Clarkson: We don't need planning permission?
Alan: No! I'm 99.9% sure.
Clarkson: I'm actually becoming a human tripod.[Clarkson contacts Charlie]
Voiceover Clarkson: Before I fainted with happiness, I called Charlie to ask him to check out what Alan had been saying.
Clarkson: Hi Charlie, Jeremy.
Charlie: (on the phone) Hi.
Clarkson: Alan's come up with an idea and I just wanted to...
Voiceover Clarkson: And half an hour later...
Charlie: (on the phone) We are allowed to do it. Because it's a sound structure, that should be fine, because the walls are fine, the roof's fine.
Clarkson: The roof's a bit not fine, but we can make the roof fine.
Charlie: (on the phone) Well yeah, we can repurpose it. Why didn't anybody think of this earlier?!
Clarkson: I don't know! I don't know, but it is... I mean... what a- what a result that would be!
Voiceover Clarkson: This was the best loophole of them all: if a barn is smaller than a hundred and fifty square meters and more than ten years old, a farmer can do anything he likes with it.[Clarkson creates a farm track]
Voiceover Clarkson: While Alan set about repairing the barn, I attached an old plow to Thunderbird 4 and started work on my link road, which would have other benefits as well.
Clarkson: Put some wildflowers down the side, it'll be lovely. And we can come along here, across the road, enter the farm shop carpark, and then we can access all the other half of the farm without going on the road network and getting in everyone's way. It's- it's clever, this. Clever thinking from me.[Kaleb sees Clarkson's tracks]
Clarkson: The arrival of Kaleb.
[Kaleb opens his tractor door]
Clarkson: What?
Kaleb: I suggest you stop.
Clarkson: Why?
Kaleb: It's not very straight! You said to me "I want a dead-straight line, Kaleb, from that gateway to the new gate that would be over there in the field."
Clarkson: I agree. My first one was a disaster.
Kaleb: So which one is it?!
Clarkson: This one.
Kaleb: It's fuckin' awful!
Clarkson: That one, I- I- God knows what came over me. I was aiming for the lavatories, and then I realized halfway along that's wrong so I had to swerve a bit right.
Kaleb: It's shit.
Clarkson: No, but I know you like saying that to me.
Kaleb: No, no, I don't like saying that to you, I'd rather it just be done properly...[Clarkson attempts to lay down the foundations for the track]
Voiceover Clarkson: Soon it was time to start making the track.
[Clarkson tears a hole in the sheet]
Clarkson: I'm shit! (laughs)
[Clarkson talks through a speaker]
Clarkson: (through speaker) I have made a hole in the plastic sheeting.
[Clarkson talks to Kaleb through walkie-talkie]
Clarkson: (through walkie-talkie) Kaleb, I'm shit at this! This and sheep shearing I can't do.
Kaleb: (through walkie-talkie) And drilling, cultivating, hedge-cutting, you can't do that, I mean the list goes on of things you can't do.[Clarkson finds something else to do]
Voiceover Clarkson: Having fired myself from this job, I then rehired myself as the roller driver, which for me, was a vehicular first.
Clarkson: Now I think I push that green one to make it vibrate. Ready?
[Clarkson pushes button, roller begins to vibrate]
Clarkson: Holy sh- oh, I'm enjoying that! Yesssss!
[Clarkson drives the vibration roller]
Clarkson: What a pleasant way of spending the day: having your bottom vibrated while sitting cross-legged in a comfortable chair and doing a manly job of work.[Clarkson shortlists the sorts of cuisines that'll be at the restaurant]
Clarkson: See, the thing is... I see who comes to the farm shop, I see who has come. And (unintelligible)... they're Subaru drivers.
Pip: My uncle had a Subaru.
Clarkson: Yeah. That's who I'm aiming the restaurant at, people who don't want three chips cooked three times and they don't want fancy. So "Asian Fusion", these are not words that they'll particularly enjoy.
Pip: No.
Clarkson: "Fuck off" will be the sort of standard response to any attempt to mess around with a steak and kidney pie or a-
Pip: Yep.[Clarkson gives Pip a tour of the farm's facilities]
Voiceover Clarkson: I then gave Pip a tour, starting with the headline act of the menu.
Clarkson: These are the two that have been scheduled for execution.
Pip: Okay.
Clarkson: That's what we'll be cooking.
Pip: They're huge!
Clarkson: And this is where we put the prep kitchen.
Pip: Wow.
Clarkson: Good prep kitchen?
Pip: It's huge! It's bigger than my kitchen! You have a butcher?
Clarkson: Yeah. It goes through a guy called Henry.
Pip: Yeah.
Clarkson: Who looks like Andy GarcÃa in The Untouchables. So anyway, Andy García does our butchery.[Clarkson and Pip see the to-be-restaurant]
Voiceover Clarkson: Having been impressed so far, Pip was clearly expecting great things from the restaurant itself.
Pip: Oh my God.
Clarkson: It's quite rudimentary.
Pip: Yeah. Erm... right. Fuck.[Clarkson and Pip inspect the to-be-restaurant's planned amenities]
Clarkson: This is kitchen.
[Pip begins laughing]
Clarkson: That is small. Finishing kitchen.
Pip: Where's the rest?!
Clarkson: What?
Pip: Are you building out?
Clarkson: No, can't. Council won't let us.[Clarkson and Pip discuss]
Clarkson: Because of the rules, which I didn't write, you're allowed to have as much space outside the building as there is inside it. Not with a building, but with umbrellas.
Pip: Yeah.
Clarkson: So you probably come to here, right, the way down to the far end of that wall.
Pip: Yeah.
Clarkson: And this is all tables and chairs as well.
Pip: Yeah. You could get probably 45 covers, I think? And I just had a thought; could you not extend the kitchen a bit and have a barbecue outside?
Clarkson: No. Council won't let us.[Clarkson and Pip discuss the menu]
Voiceover Clarkson: Having absorbed the fact she'd be cooking in a shoebox, Pip then asked me what exactly I'd like to see on the menu, hoping that I'd give her a precise brief.
Clarkson: Have you seen that film Babe, with the pig?
Pip: Yeah.
Clarkson: You know when he goes home at night and his wife's there? What they have for supper is sort of what I want to serve in the restaurant. I don't know what they have for supper, but in my imagination, what they eat is what I want to serve.
Pip: Right...[Clarkson and the cows]
Voiceover Clarkson: With that valuable information tucked away, Pip went off to start work... and I went back to the tricky business of making cows pregnant. The last round of IVF had worked for Deeny, but not for Pepper, who'd needed another injection.
Clarkson: Oh, here we are, Dilwyn in his usual pose.
Dilywn: Hello! Can I shake your hands?
[Lisa laughs]
Voiceover Clarkson: And today we'd find out if finally she was up the duff.[Pepper is not in calf]
Dilwyn: Right. Bad news.
Clarkson: You're joking.
Dilwyn: Yeah, not in calf. So... everything's there. So I've checked her over, everything's cycling, but I don't see a reason why she can't get in calf.
Clarkson: Poor old Pepper! What's the matter with you, sweetheart?
Dilwyn: That's a shame. You gotta decide where you want to go from here, really.[Clarkson asks Dilwyn for advice]
Clarkson: In your experience, what would a farmer do in this situation?
Dilwyn: Chuck the bull in.
Clarkson: Chuck the bull in?
Dilwyn: Yeah.
Clarkson: Would- would a farmer rent a bull?
Dilwyn: You can rent a bull.
Clarkson: And how long would the bull have to be here?
Dilwyn: Two months.
Clarkson: So it's- the bull lives here, right alongside the footpath. Don't you have to change the fences if you-
Kaleb: You've gotta put some signs up.
Dilwyn: Yeah.
Kaleb: I mean there's risk to it, you know. If it gets out, you know, everyone panics when a bull's out, yeah, but the majority of the time the bull's not there to kill someone. I mean, yeah, it can kill someone admittedly.[Clarkson decides to get a bull]
Clarkson: Right. So we can put a bull in here. And that electric fence there that we have at the bottom- what?
Kaleb: I'm fencin' that one across there.
Clarkson: Yeah because we don't want the bull in the kitchen every morning.
Lisa: Not so much.
Clarkson: That really would be a surprise!
Lisa: Unless he's terribly handsome![Clarkson convinces Kaleb to grow echium]
Clarkson: Barley and wheat right now, £300 a ton, give or take?
Kaleb: Yeah, yeah.
Clarkson: Oilseed rape, 700 quid a ton? Really high.
Kaleb: Yeah.
Clarkson: Do you wanna know how much you get for this?
Kaleb: Go on...
Clarkson: £4,200 a ton.
Kaleb: Really?
Clarkson: Mhm.
[Kaleb cracks a smile]
Kaleb: Let's grow echium![Clarkson sets about planting the echium]
Voiceover Clarkson: The good thing about growing echium is that it rarely needs to sprayed with chemicals or fertilizer, so there's no need for fiddly tramlines. The bad thing is that I'd forgotten how everything worked.
Clarkson: I've gotta set the fan speed. Erm... set. Oh no, it's... oh no. Oh shit, I think I've just...
[Clarkson picks up his walkie-talkie]
Clarkson: Kaleb, can you hear me? I can't remember how to set this computer up.[Kaleb teaches Clarkson how to use the drill]
Voiceover Clarkson: The farming fetus patiently explained the tech.
Kaleb: It's the little tractor at the top, remember?
Clarkson: No. I've never used this drill.
[Charlie arrives]
Kaleb: You have!
Clarkson: I haven't!
Kaleb: You drilled some wheat, and then fucked up on that!
Charlie: Didn't you drill Dead Man's?
Kaleb: Yes! Have you seen the cock up in there?
Charlie: Well, I have walked it.[Clarkson's insistence]
Kaleb: Ugh. You stick with writing, let me do this.
Clarkson: No! 'cause there's no tramlines! You don't need tramlines for this, which is why I'm doing it.
Charlie: It's very low-input, yeah.[Clarkson's refresher course]
Voiceover Clarkson: Kaleb continued with my refresher course.
Kaleb: Push that up, and then see where it says "Markers"?
Clarkson: Yeah.
Kaleb: Pull that down.
Clarkson: I want the marker out this way?
Kaleb: Yeah.
Clarkson: Out you go.
[Clarkson pulls out the wrong marker]
Clarkson: Oh shit.
Kaleb: No no, just stop, bring that back in.
[Charlie laughs]
[Clarkson manipulates the marker]
Clarkson: Hold on, no. Wait wait wait wait wait.
[marker is manipulated]
Clarkson: Right.
[tractor lurches forward]
Clarkson: Shit!
Kaleb: Whoa! Fuckin' 'ell! Whose idea was it to grow echium?![Kaleb uses brute force to fix the drill]
Kaleb: Can I just... level this machine up? Push it out on the top link a little bit.
Clarkson: I hate it when he goes between whatever implement's on the back and the tractor. Any minute now, there'll be a squelching sound, and then a siren, and then a gavel and then... the sound of me squealing in a jail cell.[cultivating the echium is tough]
Voiceover Clarkson: However, after I turned round I realized that because of the way this field had been cultivated, the groove from where I was sitting was invisible.
Clarkson: Fucking hell. Absolutely no idea here. Simply not visible. Trying to see effectively where a very small metal beetle has been wandering along the field. It's not doing anything! I'm going over most of the field twice and some of the field not at all. Oh, fucking hell! I'm gonna be in so much trouble when this grows. This seed is too expensive to keep cocking it up.[Clarkson tells Kaleb of his struggles]
Clarkson: (through walkie-talkie) I dunno what I'm doing here, Kaleb. I can't bloody see this marker; I just can't see it.
Voiceover Clarkson: I braced myself for the customary bollocking, but amazingly, it didn't arrive!
Kaleb: (through walkie-talkie) That's hard, I'll give you that. I'm not gonna moan at you if you miss any.[Clarkson puts up signs]
Voiceover Clarkson: With the echium planted, we received news that our new rent-a-bull was on its way, which meant I had to do some preparatory work with my head of security.
Clarkson: Right, the bull's coming at 3.
Gerald: Yep.
Clarkson: So, about an hour?
Gerald: Yeah.
Clarkson: So I've gotta get these signs up telling ramblers, 'cause, you know, this is a public footpath.
Gerald: Yeah.
Clarkson: That there's a bull in the field. But here's what's interesting; you can't put on the sign "Danger, Bull" because then I'm admitting I know it's dangerous and then that makes me liable. But you can't say it's safe either because...[Clarkson shows off the signs]
Clarkson: So, I've had these done.
[Clarkson picks up sign reading "Bull in Field (No Red Trousers)", Gerald laughs]
Clarkson: You know those people in the village that moan all the time?
Gerald: Yeah, I know, yeah!
Clarkson: (imitates groaning) In the pub on a Sunday with their red trousers on?
[Clarkson picks up a second sign, reading "Free Acupuncture"]
Gerald: Yeah, yeah! (laughs)
[Clarkson picks up a third sign, reading "Danger Bull (Ramblers welcome)", both laugh]
Clarkson: Right.
[Clarkson picks up a fourth sign, reading "Bull in field"]
Gerald: Yeah, that's the one.[the bull arrives]
Voiceover Clarkson: Not knowing whether I'd done a good thing or not, we then waited for the arrival of the bull, which we'd rented from the family who'd supplied the cows.
Katy: Hello!
Charlie: Hello.
Clarkson: Good to see you.
Kaleb: Is he here?
Clarkson: The gigolo has arrived![Clarkson gets startled]
[Clarkson peers into the bull's enclosure]
Clarkson: Oh my God, his face is there! With like a ring![the name of the bull]
Clarkson: Lisa, would you like to know what he's called?
Lisa: Yeah.
Clarkson: The name's Maestro: Breakheart Maestro.
[both laugh][the mounting begins]
Clarkson: He's on! He's on! Straight away-
Katy: No, no, no, that's a cow!
Clarkson: What, the cow's shagging him?!
Tim: Yeah.
Clarkson: What's thi- what the hell?! You brought a gay cow! What- wha- why did that happen?![Clarkson reflects]
Voiceover Clarkson: This was a perfect, happy moment. But once everyone had gone, I was left to reflect on what was actually at stake.
Clarkson: We've tried three times now to get Pepper pregnant with AI, artificial insemination, and it hasn't worked, so this is her last chance. If he can't make her pregnant... (sighs) you fill in the blanks.["filling in the blanks"]
Clarkson: A couple of days later, I got a taste of what filling in the blanks would feel like, because it was time to take the first of the restaurant cows to slaughter.[Clarkson recounts his last trip to the slaughterhouse]
Clarkson: I don't like leaving that other one behind 'cause he's gonna be ever so lonely. I remember going here with the sheep; it was just devastating. I can't imagine it's going to be much better today.[Clarkson attempts to console himself]
Clarkson: I just have to remember he's done his bit for the soil and he's going to feed a thousand people; that's why I had him.
Voiceover Clarkson: And I'd have to be thinking the same thing the following week, when cow 2 was scheduled to go... because the wheels of the restaurant were now well and truly turning.[current state of the restaurant]
Clarkson: Alan and his chaps were busy with the building work, and despite my nonsensical Babe and Subaru brief to Pip, she'd come up with some offerings she'd hoped would hit the spot.[Clarkson on Pip's cooking]
Clarkson: More importantly, it was clear that Pip could work wonders with a cow.[restaurant prep is well underway]
Clarkson: I now knew that we could make an exciting menu using stuff from our farm and from our neighbors, and that the food would have a smooth ride from the prep kitchen to the restaurant because the farm track was coming along nicely.[Clarkson and Kaleb are exhausted]
Clarkson: (over walkie-talkie) There you go, Fuck Trumpet. Shall we call it a night after this one?
Kaleb: Yeah. You look like such an old man right now, it is unreal.
Clarkson: I like the cross-legged driving position.
Kaleb: (over walkie-talkie) You look like you're sat there with your glasses on the end of your nose, cross-legged, reading a column or something about how to get it up in the morning.[Clarkson figures out the reasoning behind his exhaustion]
Voiceover Clarkson: Truth be told, I really had been feeling like an old man all day. And the next morning, I found out why.
Clarkson: Ugh. Not again.
[Clarkson shows a positive COVID-19 rapid antigen test]
Clarkson: Shit![Clarkson sets up a socially-distanced meeting with Charlie]
Voiceover Clarkson: However, because this is a farm and farms can't just stop, I decided to take a leaf out of Putin's book on COVID precautions and set up a morning meeting with Charlie.
Charlie: Hi, Jeremy.
Clarkson: Sorry about this. You can be Macron and sit down there.[Clarkson meets Gerald]
Gerald: Alright?
Clarkson: Hey, look who's here! G-Dog! Are you feeling better?
Gerald: (muffled) I reckon! You know, it's got to be like this when a dog goes underneath (unintelligible).
Clarkson: Are you still positive?
Gerald: Yeah.
Clarkson: Can we just notice this? He's in his 70s, positive, up and about. In my 60s, positive, up and about. Unlike the snowflake generation.[Clarkson's farm track application is refused]
Charlie: I- I've got some bits for you; we've got some planning stuff back from the council. You know, we put in a prior notification to say "Look, we're just gonna build the farm track"; well, they've actually refused it.
Clarkson: They've refused a farm track?!
Charlie: Yeah. Because they've said that it's already begun and it's not considered reasonable and necessary for agricultural purposes within this unit.
[Clarkson throws his hands up]
Clarkson: So, you can't build a farm track on your own farm?
Charlie: No, no. You can't.
Clarkson: Exactly.
Charlie: The council won't let us do any more.
Clarkson: (sighs) Oh, for fuck's sake![Clarkson asks Charlie an important question]
Clarkson: Have you ever heard of a farmer being turned down for a farm track?
Charlie: Never.
Clarkson: Never?[Clarkson and Charlie agree on a tactic to build the restaurant]
Clarkson: So, what about the restaurant?
Charlie: They cannot know, because they will find something to stop us.
Clarkson: No, but everyone in the village literally does nothing but spy on us.
Climaxing
- [Clarkson and Kaleb rendezvous at night]
Kaleb: No one's gonna see us?
Clarkson: Well they will but they won't know what we're doing.[Clarkson, Gerald and Kaleb have a discussion over a beer]
Clarkson: (softly) I don't wanna talk too loudly in here, 'cause the walls have ears, as we know. We've gotta get power and water to the restaurant.
Gerald: Yeah.
Clarkson: The problem is, if we go out now, okay, and dig that trench, people are going to see, but after dark, if you just see tractor lights you're just gonna assume...
Kaleb: "He's workin' late, drilling the-"
Gerald: Fertilizin'.
Clarkson: Yeah. How much is that pipe? It's about a pound a meter, isn't it?
Kaleb: Yeah yeah.
Clarkson: If we go straight across the field...
Kaleb: We could've had this whole idea before we planted our spring barley. It's all coming up, looking lovely.[Clarkson comments on the situation]
Clarkson: This is ridiculous; we're trying to do ecological farming, start a restaurant so we can make the cows profitable and we support local farmers, and we're having to do this at night so the village doesn't see us.
Voiceover Clarkson: We had no choice though; we had to resort to stealth and secrecy because after the local authority had refused to give us permission for even a simple farm track, we'd begun to think they really were on the warpath.[Clarkson sees the line of "No Parking" signs placed by the council]
Clarkson: What the- what the bloody hell's all that lot?!
[Clarkson drives closer]
Clarkson: Holy cow! Look at it! This is presumably to stop parking at the shop, but look how far they've gone!
[Clarkson continues driving along]
Clarkson: What the?! You can't block off the entrance to my own field! Whoever's done this has gone mad![Clarkson contacts Charlie on the situation]
Clarkson: I think we'll go and find Charlie Ireland; he'll know what to do.
[Charlie drives to the farm]
Clarkson: Have you seen?
Charlie: I'm... flabbergasted.
Clarkson: I know. I'm...
Charlie: The- the- the- I mean... talk about being aggressive. You know, no consultation, nothing.
Clarkson: No.[Clarkson and Charlie see the cones]
Clarkson: There's two kilometers of them.
Charlie: Um... so-
Clarkson: This is quite literally as far as the eye can see.
Charlie: So they- they've- somebody's been along and sprayed where to mark them!
Clarkson: Where to put them. And they've also put them in front of the gates.
Charlie: Yes, I noticed that. I thought "Well, how am I gonna get into my f-"
Clarkson: We can't- we can't get the tractors into the fields.[Charlie puts the issues into perspective]
Charlie: So, what this leads me to think is "What else are they thinking? What are they gonna do?" Because they won't stop here. This is just the first stage of total action against the site.
[Clarkson sighs][Clarkson and Charlie formulate a plan]
Clarkson: Our immediate worry was that though we'd been told we were completely within our rights to turn the barn into a restaurant, we were obliged to inform the council, which would give them the opportunity to try and stop us.
Charlie: ...detail on how to get there...
Clarkson: So Charlie and I agreed the best tactic was speed.
Charlie: So. What we will do is send an email notifying the council of our plans. We will then need to go hell for leather to get the restaurant built, fitted ''and'' serving food within two days. Our hope is that by the time the email notification has got through the chain of command at the council, we'll be up and running serving food before the council have got time to object.[Clarkson and Alan discuss the plan]
Voiceover Clarkson: With the plan sorted out...
Clarkson: You've got three pillars.
Alan: Yes.
Clarkson: The kitchen takes up the first...
Voiceover Clarkson: I sat down with Alan to go through the building work.[Alan makes suggestions]
Clarkson: So what we're gonna need is a hatch here through to Lisa's VIP dining room.
Alan: How many people we gettin' in there?
Clarkson: They reckon four.
Alan: It's not four of me and you, that's for sure!
Clarkson: No, well, that... fucking hell...
Alan: No, well, that door opens inwards at the moment, we're gonna have to turn that round, 'cause if that opens inwards it'll knock the fucking table over.
Clarkson: That's true.[Clarkson gives Alan a timeframe]
Voiceover Clarkson: On top of this already lengthy job list, Alan would also have to install and plumb in the kitchen, so I was not looking forward to giving him the timetable.
Clarkson: Now, the big problem we've got is that we're going to tell the council that this is happening. We then need to have it fully operational in...
Alan: Yeah, go on.
Clarkson: Two days.
Alan: (laughs) Fuckin' 'ell!
Clarkson: I know! You remember Challenge Anneka?
Alan: Yeah.
Clarkson: It'll be a bit like Challenge Anneka 'cause as soon as we tell them, before they have a chance to come round and say "That's not viable, you can't do it" we have to say "It is viable, look, we've done it".[Clarkson and Alan firm up the next steps]
Clarkson: So for the next ten days, I want that site to be dead quiet.
Alan: Nothing?
Clarkson: Nothing doing. And then as soon as we send the email, we go.
Voiceover Clarkson: We needed ten days before sending the email so Alan could round up a workforce and find all the materials.[Clarkson meets Viktor again]
Voiceover Clarkson: I also needed some time to get some pressing farm jobs out of the way, like helping Viktor, our Ukrainian bee man, build some new hives close to the pollen-rich echium.
Clarkson: Ukraine? Family okay?
Viktor: Yeah. They're okay.
[Clarkson gives the thumbs up]
Viktor: Yeah, they're okay; they're alive, that's the main thing.
[Clarkson gives the thumbs up]
Viktor: Rockets flying around, but they toughie.
Clarkson: Well, let's keep our fingers crossed, eh?
Viktor: Yeah.[Clarkson renews his Red Tractor Accreditation]
Clarkson: Then there was the annual inspection needed to renew my Red Tractor certificate.
Inspector: I'd assume we've had a bit of a spillage... it's gonna want a sweep-up.
Clarkson: A quality Kitemark which requires a farm to be clean and well run.[Clarkson successfully renews his Red Tractor Accreditation]
Clarkson: When the inspector left, I wasn't 100% sure I'd get my Red Tractor stickers. But I did.[Kaleb has a video to show Clarkson]
Voiceover Clarkson: And the next day, I was collared by an excited Kaleb who had some more good news.
Kaleb: I've got something to show you!
Clarkson: Oh, right. Phone.
[flashback]
Voiceover Clarkson: For the last few weeks, whenever anyone got their phone out my heart was in my mouth, because we'd all been on filming duty with Pepper and the bull, anxiously watching to see if they'd get it on. So far, the bull had managed a bit of drinks party chat... but that was it. The rest of the time he was swiping right elsewhere.
[video of Maestro and other cows, Maestro huffs]
Voiceover Clarkson: Nevertheless, I lived in hope.
[back to the present][Maestro mounts Pepper]
Kaleb: I've got a video evidence...
Clarkson: No!
Kaleb: Of the bull...
Clarkson: No!
Kaleb: Jumpin' on Pepper.
Clarkson: Oh, she's not- no, look, is that foreplay? Oh, he's on! He's on!
Kaleb: Ready? And then... done!
Clarkson: What? He never got it in.
Kaleb: He did.
Clarkson: He didn't!
Kaleb: I can zoom in on him if you want me to!
Clarkson: He didn't get it in!
Kaleb: Watch![video evidence]
Clarkson: So, foreplay over, oh- on he goes. Not in, not in...
Kaleb: In.
Clarkson: Is he?
Kaleb: Yeah yeah, look at his little hips moving!
Clarkson: Oh, he's on!
Kaleb: See that little jump at the end?
Clarkson: What, that's the fastest sex in history!
Kaleb: Well, rabbits are faster, aren't they? That was him pumping the good stuff into Pepper.
Clarkson: That's good news; he took her virginity.
Kaleb: I've seen him doing five in the last week.
Clarkson: I've seen him do two, and I just thought "He's never gonna do Pepper." Thought he was gonna do the dogs before he did Pepper. This is brilliant![the day of the email is upon the team]
Voiceover Clarkson: Ten days had passed since my meeting with Alan, and this evening, Charlie would send an email telling the council of our plans. Then tomorrow, the frantic restaurant build, our last chance of success, would begin.
Alan: We're gonna lay 'em on the floor, aren't we?
Voiceover Clarkson: In the yard, Alan had assembled his materials.
Alan: The pallets are brilliant, aren't they? That's really what you call recycling, this is.
Voiceover Clarkson: But he was still unhappy about the timetable.
Alan: We need a fuckin' wand.
Clarkson: Whose wand?
[Alan gestures]
Clarkson: Oh, a magic wand. Well it was your idea, so...
Alan: Yeah, but we always agreed it was gonna be a couple of weeks, not fucking two days![the email is sent]
[Charlie types the email]
Charlie: Okay, that's it done. Now... sent it.
Clarkson: The council now knows. So I've got 48 hours to turn the Lowland Barn into a restaurant.[Clarkson helps out the crew]
Voiceover Clarkson: Having loaded up the pallets that would form the base of the restaurant, I set off to the restaurant as quickly as possible. But getting there was harder than I thought.
[a bus shows up in front of Clarkson's tractor]
Clarkson: Oh well, now, this isn't very good, is it? Because I'm in a tractor and there's a bus coming. Oh, shit...
[bus horn honks, Clarkson runs over a sign placed by the council]
Clarkson: Heh heh. Sorry about this!
[Clarkson runs over another sign]
Clarkson: Sorry! Well done council, you've really improved everything here.
[bus driver disembarks, moves the sign]
Clarkson: Yeah, I'm not sure they've thought this through.
[Clarkson arrives]
Alan: That's some tool ain't it to bring a few pallets![Clarkson unloads the pallets]
Alan: Go careful, don't break them all then!
Worker: Yeah!
Alan: Steady, so you don't break 'em!
[pallets clatter to the ground]
Alan: Fuckin' 'ell, get out of the way. You know what he's like.
Clarkson: Are they all off?
Alan: Yeah, we got 'em now, haven't we?[Clarkson's tractor is stuck]
Kaleb: Stop!
Clarkson: What?!
Kaleb: Oh fuckin'- look at this! You've wrapped a load of wire around the bearings of the trailer's wheel!
Alan: Just look what you have done.
Kaleb: Look at all the metalwork under there, look!
Clarkson: Oh shit.
Kaleb and Alan: Yeah!
Kaleb: 'cause it wrapped round the drum of the brakes and everything, see?[Clarkson and Kaleb bicker]
Kaleb: Why didn't you just wait for me?!
Clarkson: Where were you?!
Kaleb: Well, honestly, I would've-
Clarkson: Where were you?!
Kaleb: I was getting the loader!
Clarkson: And I almost got stuck 'cause the bus was there!
Kaleb: Fucking hell! Alan, let Jeremy do that. You better get back to work.
Clarkson: Yeah, you do need to get back to work.
Alan: Yeah, I do, 'cause we're gonna be late.[work continues]
Voiceover Clarkson: With me banned from all large equipment, the work finally kicked into gear.
Clarkson: Lovely job.
Voiceover Clarkson: Interrupted only by Charlie... being Charlie.[Charlie's worries]
Charlie: Who's in charge of health and sa- who's got the health and safety policy?
Clarkson: What? I'm sorry, what are you saying?
Charlie: The guy with the cutting bladenote should really have a bit more protective kit on. You know, the glasses, sparks, gloves, you know, it's just...
Clarkson: Well, he's, er...
Charlie: So he-
Clarkson: He does this every day of his- what am I supposed to say to him? "Can you wear PPE?"
Charlie: Yes.[the day's review]
Voiceover Clarkson: Despite Mother Hen's fears, nobody lost their limbs, but even so, at the end of the day, we were way behind schedule.
Alan: Well, we're gonna have to put planks across that new turf aren't we?
Voiceover Clarkson: The only good bit of news is that nobody seemed to have noticed what we were up to.
[Clarkson in his tractor]
Clarkson: Right. I haven't heard from the council, so that's good, and it's been 23 hours since they were, erm, informed that they're getting a restaurant out here in the middle of our farm.[Clarkson checks on his hens]
Voiceover Clarkson: The next morning, Alan's team were back at the site bright and early. But once again, I wasn't, because as I was trying to leave the farmyard, I got news that there were issues at the old henhouses.
Clarkson: There should be about fifty or maybe sixty hens in here.
[Clarkson unlocks the gate to the henhouses]
Clarkson: Shit!
[a plume of feathers is shown, signifying dead hens]
Clarkson: That's not good news! Oh no, more!
[more feathers]
Voiceover Clarkson: In fact, there were exactly none.
Clarkson: A fox can't get through here at all! A mink can.[water pressure is low]
Lisa: I promise you...
Voiceover Clarkson: Then as I was heading for my car...
Lisa: ...everything, everything, everything, even the...
Voiceover Clarkson: Lisa told me there was a problem with the water pressure.
Clarkson: We cannot run out of water. The whole prep kitchen's just out there.
[Lisa peers into the water tank]
Lisa: Oh, that's very very low!
Clarkson: Shit!
Plumber: (over the phone) Right, now, is there any pressure on the gauge on the RO?
Clarkson: I don't know what the RO is and I don't know where the gauges are.
Plumber: (over the phone) Right, (unintelligible), I'll get someone out to you today.
Clarkson: Can it be- we're opening a restaurant, you know. "Today" isn't really gonna help us, I don't think. I mean, like now would really help.
[phone call ends]
Clarkson: Fucking Brexit! We'd have had a Pole here like (imitates sound of mending pipes) and he would've done like that, well it wouldn't have broken in the first place, would it?[a whole load of cars show up outside the farm]
Clarkson: Literally- look at this. This is... who are you?
Courier: Hi, I'm collecting from you today. Courier.
Clarkson: Somebody up there will sort you out, thanks. And you are...
Woman: Delivering something from Station Mill Antiques.
Clarkson: Station Mill Antiques? Okay, good, thank you. And you're Jack Carling, you're working for us, and who's this one in the pickup truck? Morning. What are you here to do?
Man: The young girl's hurt her foot.
Clarkson: So one of the employees has hurt her foot? Lovely! Thank you. Here we go.
[Paddy walks up to the car]
Paddy: Um, I need...
Clarkson: Oh, for God- Paddy!
Paddy: I'm sorry- no, don't worry.
Clarkson: No, it's alright, everyone else is-
Paddy: Can I bring a man with a gun? The foxes have destroyed our chickens in that coppice. Tonight.
Clarkson: I don't- yeah, I don't think it's a fox.
Paddy: What do you think it is?
Clarkson: Mink.
Paddy: Can we still try and shoot it tonight?
Clarkson: Yes, yes, yes, yes.
[Paddy leaves]
Clarkson: Yeah, thanks Paddy. (bursts into laughter) Welcome to farming![Kaleb is stuck]
Kaleb: Oh shit! If you can ba- back up again or get over a little bit I can try and come out this way and then go round there. I've gotta go around there![the floor is wet]
Worker: Someone left the sprinkler on and soaked the floor, so we've got to dry it out first!
Clarkson: Shit! So when do you think we can get the kitchen fitters in?
Worker: So we've got to get it decent enough, dry enough.
Clarkson: (under his breath) Fucking hell![Kaleb sees the kitchen]
Kaleb: Is that the kitchen?
Male Fitter: Yes.
Kaleb: Oh shit.
Female Fitter: Yeah!
Kaleb: I thought the kitchen would have been in by now!
Male Fitter: No no no, I've been waiting for the flooring to be finished.
Kaleb: Shittin' 'ell![Pip goes through the menu with Clarkson]
Pip: We've got a deep-fried croquette, beef, bone marrow on courgettes.note We've got an empanada with, um...
Clarkson: We're calling that a pasty.
Pip: Yeah, a pasty. It is a pasty. It's just I'm used to spending time with this one. (points at trainee waitress)
Trainee Waitress: I'm Argentinian.
Clarkson: You're Argentinian?
Trainee Waitress: Yeah.
[Clarkson walks off while the others laugh][Clarkson shows off the VIP suite]
Clarkson: Are you ready for the VIP suite?
Pip: Yeah.
Clarkson: This is when David Beckham comes, or Simon Cowell.
Pip: Yeah, so this is very intimate, yeah!
Trainee Waitress 2: You just need people my size in here!
Clarkson: Exactly.[Kaleb is perplexed]
Kaleb: Look at that! Four knives to wash up! Stupid![the restaurant building is finished]
Voiceover Clarkson: By six o'clock, amazingly, Alan's guys and the landscape boys had finished all their work, so Pip's kitchen team could start.
Clarkson: I've gotta be honest, that was impressive, 'cause that's just... I mean, we had to do it in two days, and you said "oh, that's gonna be tight." But...
Alan: We've done it, haven't we?
Worker 2: Brilliant.
Clarkson: And then now look who's arriving: none other than Kaleb Cooper with all the tables and chairs.[Clarkson comments on Kaleb's driving]
Clarkson: Annoyingly that's quite impressive there, that reversing. I wonder if he reversed out of his mother's womb? I bet he did, with a trailer attached to the back of him.[the Cotswold Male Voice Choir arrives]
Voiceover Clarkson: As we unloaded the furniture, we noticed a strange gathering moving towards us through the barley.
[the choir wades through the barley]
Voiceover Clarkson: At first, Kaleb thought it was a council hit squad. But actually, it was something I'd arranged.
Kaleb: You've got it?
Clarkson: Yeah.
Choir: Bring me my bow of burning gold
Clarkson: A little treat for a job well done:
Choir: Bring me my arrows of desire
Clarkson: Motivation.
Choir: Bring me my spear, O clouds unfold
Kaleb: This is wicked! Come on, let's do this!
Choir: Bring me my chariot of fire
Clarkson: ...the Cotswolds Male Voice Choir...
[montage of the gang helping out with restaurant prep]
Choir: I will not cease from mental fight
Clarkson: ...singing Jerusalem...
Choir: Nor shall my sword sleep in my hand
Clarkson: ...with a twist.
Choir: Till we have built a restaurantnote
Charlie: (laughs) I love that!
Choir: In England's green and pleasant land
[neon sign lit up to the applause and cheers of the gang][everything goes wrong]
Voiceover Clarkson: Our first guests would be arriving in five hours, and I was praying that Clarkson's Farm wouldn't turn into one of those reality shows where everything goes wrong against the clock. But, two hours later...
Clarkson: What's that? Looks like rat poison. Get that water cleared up!
[frenzy of activities happening]
Clarkson: Now where do you want the washing-up liquid?
[worker carries a hay bale]
Clarkson: And that.
[Clarkson sees a mess at the back]
Clarkson: What the fuck is all this?!
[frenzy in kitchen]
Pip: I told him to get bigger spoons, the fucking twat![more work continues]
[Clarkson hangs paintings]
Pip: This needs to fill- this shit needs to come out and get it hot though.
Clarkson: Oh, there's a film crew here, so we've got 3,000 gallons of water unnecessarily hanging around.
[Clarkson finds more trash]
Clarkson: Shit, there's paint! What the fucking hell? Who's left fucking paint here?![Clarkson helps out with unwrapping plates]
Charlie: Looks good, they sent the weather.
Clarkson: It was just beyond a tip ten minutes ago, they say "Oh our first guests have arrived", nothing's been cooked. We'll have to put on the menu "Some of these dishes may contain Jeremy Clarkson's forehead sweat".[Clarkson asks an important question]
Clarkson: Where's fucking Lisa gone?[Clarkson's temper flares]
Clarkson: Is that Chris's van? (under his breath) Fucking hell...
Chris: Um, Jeremy, one of the plugs has gone, which is really important to where they're cooking all the pasts. Electrician's ten minutes away.[Clarkson's temper continues to flare]
Clarkson: Can I put this in the back of my car and take it away?
Woman: I think we need to mop first.
Clarkson: We can't, the guests are here! Fuck it, it's a farm![Clarkson loses his temper]
Clarkson: Who are you waiting for?
Man: I need to drop off these for the waitresses (unintelligible).
Clarkson: Well, here's a tip: if you've got a job to do, get out of the car and fucking run because we need to move this car!
[Clarkson gets in his car]
Clarkson: Oh, fucking hell, there's another one coming down! Who's this?!
[Clarkson gets out of the car]
Clarkson: (under his breath) What the fuck are you doing?!
Man 2: We've got your food.
Clarkson: Good! Drop it off!
Voiceover Clarkson: At this point, I realized that my inner Gordon Ramsay was doing more harm than good, so I made a decision.
Clarkson: I'm gonna move myself now.
[Clarkson drives off]
Charlie: I just love the way our host is leaving, about five minutes after the restaurant was meant to open. Well, all hands on deck.[Kaleb attempts to appease the hot and impatient customers]
Kaleb: I've got some water, everyone. Anyone want some water?
[Kaleb begins handing off water bottles]
Kaleb: There we go, there we go...
[Kaleb's piece to camera]
Kaleb: I keep saying "five minutes" and "five minutes" and then people are just thinking "He's talking shit now".[Kaleb's patience runs dry]
Kaleb: I'm gonna load everyone up, fuck it.
[first batch of customers are loaded into the trailer]
Kaleb: You have to walk right to the end and then come back down to this side. Yeah. Thank you.
Clarkson: As it happened, Kaleb had made the right call, because as he ferried the guests to the site, Pip's team, clearly used to this kind of pressure, had started to make actual food.[Clarkson returns]
Voiceover Clarkson: Then, having taken a calm pill, I came back.
Clarkson: Welcome, everybody. Slightly unusual way to arrive at a restaurant, I know, like- but anyway, I'll get you off the- off the, uh, back. And there we are.
[Kaleb attempts to solicit tips]
Clarkson: Put that away. Wha-[Clarkson and Charlie entertain guests]
Voiceover Clarkson: The diners tucked in to the accompaniment of either me in Basil Fawlty mode...
Clarkson: How are you?
Male diner: Hello.
Clarkson: Good, good. Nice of you to come. Thank you.
[Clarkson mingles with another guest]
Clarkson: Hello, welcome. Thank you for coming.
Voiceover Clarkson: Or Charlie, telling them more than they needed to know about wheat.
Charlie: Durum wheat in the pasta, um, I'm particularly proud of the durum wheat, 'cause it normally grows in Italy, and I grew it below Bury Hill South.[Clarkson and Charlie continue to entertain guests]
Clarkson: Was that fine? Were you all-
Female diner: Absolutely delicious.
Clarkson: Good, thank you, thank you.
Charlie: The hardest thing was getting the durum wheat from Italy, as the seed, through customs. It sat at Calais for ten days.[someone needs to use the toilet]
Clarkson: Inevitably, the moment then arrived when someone needed to visit the loos, which were at the farm shop on the other side of the field. Recognizing that this might be an issue, I'd laid on a rapid response delivery system.
[a man races to the restaurant on an ATV, to the laughter of the diners]
Male diner 2: We're all too scared to go now!
Voiceover Clarkson: But sadly, the process was slowed down somewhat by Charlie being Charlie again.
[Charlie holds a full riding suit with helmet]
Charlie: You need to get your protective equipment on to use...
[female diner bursts into laughter]
Charlie: It's serious!
Female diner 2: Look, she's got to put a helmet and a suit on!
[diner dons helmet]
Charlie: And then there's the hat, okay- sorry, we're just following health and safety rules.
[the ATV races to the toilets, with the woman screaming in response]
Female diner 3: (while taking off suit) Oh hell! (chuckles)[Clarkson recounts the day's happenings]
Voiceover Clarkson: Loo breaks aside, people did seem to be enjoying themselves and our food. And throughout the afternoon, a steady stream of guests came and went.
[Kaleb attempts to solicit tips]
Kaleb: Ah, thank you very much!
Gerald: I don't blame him!
Charlie: Forward, forward! Mind now, watch out! Come on, forward!
Voiceover Clarkson: David Beckhamnote actually did turn up, as did Diddly Squat friends such as Georgia from the National Farmer's Union.
Georgia: It's quite amazing to see it all come together, though!
Voiceover Clarkson: And Tim and Katy who'd sold us our cows and wanted to see what they'd tasted like.
[Clarkson talks to Tim and Katy's daughter]
Clarkson: Hey! How are you? What did you say to me about Pepper? You said I'd got to look after Pepper, didn't you? Exactly, and Pepper is having a great time. She's got a boyfriend, she's got lots of lovely grass, she's incredibly happy, this Pepper.[Clarkson cannot believe he has done it]
Clarkson: As the evening light became golden on this perfect warm summer's day, I kept pinching myself that we'd actually done it. That'd we'd opened a restaurant in the face of such a relentless barrage of opposition.
[montage of previous events happening][Clarkson and Charlie crack a cold one]
Voiceover Clarkson: And since there was still no sign of a council official coming over the hill, Charlie and I decided to celebrate with some of our own ice-cold beer.
Clarkson: So, I was talking to Tim, you know, the cow farmer, earlier. He was looking at the barn and he said "I've got a barn", broadly speaking, "exactly the same as this and I'm half a mile from Silverstone where there's a constant throughput of people. Could I do it?" And it made me think, do you think farmers are gonna watch this and go "That's a really good idea."?
Charlie: Since you launched the whole thing on Twitter, farmers have said "What are you doing? How the hell are you doing that?"
Clarkson: No-
Charlie: Let's face it, it's not easy, but, if they invest the time and the effort, absolutely! There are loads of these views, you know, lots of people have got wonderful places, special places, amazing buildings.
Clarkson: Open two nights a week.
Charlie: Exactly, two or three nights a week. You know, May, June, July, August, September, it doesn't have to be-
Clarkson: That's how they operate in Cornwall!
Charlie: Yeah!
Clarkson: You know, those little seaside places, they're open May, June...
Charlie: Yeah, yeah, they do. They work like stink in the summer. It's really rewarding.
Clarkson: It is.[Clarkson has a victory lunch with the Diddly Squat family]
Clarkson: I would like to say thank you to you all. Really, and I mean thank you very much to all of you.
[they all toast]
Alan: Fantastic!
Gerald: Cheers, guys.
Clarkson: Cheers, guys!
Lisa: Alan, you're a rock star!
Alan: Thank you!
Clarkson: Thank you for getting this built.
Lisa: Alan, you really are.
Clarkson: You screwed yourself, though, so much this year. You've let the building trade down by building that in two days. Every builder's gonna go "What were you thinking of?! That should've been three months!"
Alan: We showed our hand, haven't we?[the gang admires the view]
Clarkson: But come and look at that.
Lisa: I know.
Alan: Yes, look at the view.
Clarkson: I mean, look at that!
Alan: Oh, it's unbelievable.
Clarkson: We are lucky. We are very very lucky.
Alan: Yeah, we are.[Clarkson has a present for Kaleb]
Voiceover Clarkson: We could also celebrate the fact that even though we'd all been busy with the council and the restaurant and the village nimbies,note we'd still managed to reach the end of another farming year.
[montage of wildlife in the farm]
Voiceover Clarkson: All that remained was to gather in the harvest, but as that was still a week away, there was time to spring a little surprise on Kaleb.
Clarkson: You know it was your birthday a couple of weeks back?
Kaleb: Yeah, and you haven't given me a present yet.
Clarkson: Exactly. Well, I've got you a present.
Kaleb: Really?
Clarkson: Yes I have. And it's just round here.[Kaleb sees his present]
Clarkson: Ready? Tada!
[Kaleb sees an AgustaWestland AW109S Grand helicopter]
Kaleb: I've never been up.
Clarkson: I know you haven't! You've never been off the ground at all!
Kaleb: Is it safe?
Clarkson: That, Agusta 109, king of helicopters. And the actual chopper they used in James Bond, the most recent one.
Kaleb: Never watched James Bond.
Clarkson: I'm sorry?
Kaleb: I've never watched a James Bond film, so it doesn't mean anything.
Clarkson: You've never watched a James Bond film?
Kaleb: No.
Clarkson: And you've never been u-
Kaleb: I've never been in the air, you're effectively gonna take my air virginity.
[Clarkson laughs]
Clarkson: I thought you'd be happy!
Kaleb: I am happy! I'm just shittin' it![Gerald arrives]
Clarkson: G-Dog!
Kaleb: Gerald!
Clarkson: Do you wanna come for a helicopter ride?
Gerald: Heh heh heh! Someone needs (unintelligible)! That'll take your curls off!
Voiceover Clarkson: Assuming that was a "no", I helped strap in the nervous fetus, who then got a relaxing pre-flight brief from the pilot.[Kaleb's fear of heights]
Kaleb: I feel sick.
Clarkson: We haven't even taken off yet.
[helicopter takes off]
Kaleb: Holy shit.
Clarkson: Oh, Kaleb has liftoff! Kaleb Cooper has left the ground for the first time in his life![Kaleb snarks at other farmers]
Voiceover Clarkson: As we flew over neighboring farms, Kaleb realized that helicopters were actually quite useful.
Kaleb: He missed a bit down there, look. What happened to that field, look? I know who farms it. Should I start taking pictures and send it to all the farmers?
[Clarkson starts laughing]
Kaleb: What have you done there, mate?
[Kaleb continues pointing out more mistakes]
Kaleb: Look how close his N2 tramlines are, look! You see that? You see that?!
[both laugh]
Clarkson: This is the first time I've ever been in a helicopter with someone that only comments on the mistakes farmers have made.[Clarkson springs his surprise]
Clarkson: Right, back to the farm then.
Voiceover Clarkson: Which meant it would soon be time for my highlight of the ride.
[flashback]
Voiceover Clarkson: Seven months had passed since Kaleb had failed to plant a big strip in one of the fields.
[flashback continues]
Voiceover Clarkson: And now, my reminder of this little cock up was ready to be unveiled.
Clarkson: If you look out of this window here, in Big Ground, yeah?
[Kaleb peers out the window]
Kaleb: Who wrote that?
Clarkson: I did.
[pans to show "KALEB'S CRACK" written in wildflowers]
Clarkson: I did that, in wildflowers. 'cause you missed it.
[Kaleb looks at Clarkson in disbelief]
Kaleb: I can't believe you wrote that!
Clarkson: I certainly did!
Kaleb: Holy shit.[Pepper's last chance]
Clarkson: It would've been great to move from this birthday treat straight into the joy of harvesting. But first, there was one heart-in-the-mouth job that needed taking care of.
[pans towards Pepper]
Clarkson: Five weeks had passed since Pepper and the bull had done their thing and today, we'd find out whether she was going to be a mom... or meat.[the moment of truth]
Lisa: Hello, little one.
Clarkson: Alright, this is it. This is... don't... no... everybody, positive waves.
Dilwyn: I've got her life in my hands. Okay, see if I can find a baby for you...
Clarkson: Please find one.
Dilwyn: Right! Let's see what we got.
[Dilwyn examines Pepper]
Dilwyn: She is not in calf.
[Clarkson's head droops][Pepper is now fat]
Kaleb: That's it now, isn't it? Put her for the restaurant.
Clarkson: She's definitely definitely definitely not?
Dilwyn: No, and she's now fat.
Clarkson: What does that mean?
Dilwyn: She doesn't produce anything. So these cows, they are producing milk.
Lisa: Milk. Got you.
Dilwyn: And they're also maintaining their pregnancy at the moment, so they're working, whereas Pepper isn't working; she's just eating the same amount and just putting down fat.
Kaleb: Shall I ring Mutchmeats then?
Clarkson: Oh...[Clarkson is at a loss]
Kaleb: Look at that one. That one's producing you money. And the one on the left and right there.
Lisa: Yeah, but Jeremy's always been- it's always been his favorite cow.
Clarkson: It is my favorite cow.
Kaleb: Well, choose another one.
[Clarkson and Kaleb laugh]
Clarkson: Oh God, what am I gonna do? Well let's let them out while we...[Clarkson has a dilemma]
Kaleb: What are you gonna do?
Clarkson: So, the first cow... we've nearly finished, the second cow is ready to...
Kaleb: Go straight into the restaurant.
Clarkson: Go to the restaurant. So, if we're gonna have to send a third cow off, which we are...
Kaleb: You know, get it in early next week, 28 days hanging, we pick the one that's not pregnant.
Clarkson: Yeah, you pick the one that can't get pregnant. So she has the right weight to go, isn't she?
Kaleb: Yeah, she's the right weight, where the other ones need another two, three months.
Lisa: It's gonna have to be her, isn't it?
Kaleb: Yeah.[Kaleb and Lisa discuss]
Kaleb: You know, you've spent a lot of money on that cow already now, so technically, in terms of a beefer, that one would be going.
Lisa: You shouldn't have favorites.
Kaleb: You shouldn't have favorites, really, no.
[Clarkson walks towards the cows]
Clarkson: Oh God...
Kaleb: I think he might choose himself in a minute![Clarkson and Charlie discuss next steps]
Clarkson: (sighs) She's not pregnant.
Charlie: Again?
Clarkson: Mhm.
Charlie: Oh... I mean, we're paying for the bull, and he really needs to go back, because he's done his job on everything else.
Clarkson: Yeah, no, we're not paying any more for the bull.
Charlie: The reality is, the likelihood of her getting pregnant is low, so, what's her usefulness on the farm?
Clarkson: I mean, look, she's looking at me, look.
Charlie: She- no, she's looking.
Clarkson: Oh God...[Clarkson has an idea]
[Clarkson deliberates]
Clarkson: Fuck it.
[Clarkson turns to Lisa]
Clarkson: Lisa? We've got a pet cow.
Other media
YouTube-exclusive videos
- [Clarkson gives an anecdote about bees]
Clarkson: Here's the funny thing about bees, as we discovered. This is a bee suit; it's got zip-up down here and you're in one suit, it comes up, round here there's a hat with a mesh on it. But the bee, looks at that and goes "There is a way in."; it's like they're in that in The Great Escape. And one of them found a way into the bottom of my trousers, went all the way up on the outside of my jeans, then found the... gap between the jean-trouser and my t-shirt, crawled along there, thought "Ah, here's a crack.", down the crack, and then thought "Ready, and... go!" Killed itself, but knew as it died how much pain it had brought me. It was funny.
