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'''Clarkson:''' Dam's not quite finished.\\\
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'''Clarkson:''' Dam's not quite finished.\\\\\
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''[Arya [[{Pun}} lays waste]] to the potatoes]''\\
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'''Charlie:''' You do need that community around.
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'''Charlie:''' You do need that community around.\\
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'''Lisa:''' [[ClarksonsFarmS2E8Climaxing I don't understand!]]\\
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'''Lisa:''' [[ClarksonsFarmS2E8Climaxing [[Recap/ClarksonsFarmS2E8Climaxing I don't understand!]]\\
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'''Clarkson:''' '''[[{{Catchphrase}} I'VE GROWN A THING!]]'''\\
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'''Clarkson:''' '''[[{{Catchphrase}} '''[[CharacterCatchphrase I'VE GROWN A THING!]]'''\\
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'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' Happily though this meant I had an excuse to fire up WALL•E, my most favorite machine... [[{{Catchphrase}} in the world]].
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'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' Happily though this meant I had an excuse to fire up WALL•E, my most favorite machine... [[{{Catchphrase}} [[CharacterCatchphrase in the world]].
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-->''[the fruits of Clarkson's labor]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' There's the fan... and here comes the mustard! '''There it is!''' LOOK AT THAT! THERE'S TONS OF IT!\\
''(no more mustard comes out of the combine)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Is that it?! ({{Beat}}) Right... ({{Beat}}) Well, I guess I better cancel the speedboat order...
-->''[making mustard]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' Having readjusted my financial expectations, I set about turning the few seeds I did have into a ''delicious'' mustard.\\
'''Clarkson:''' What I've done so far is put 1.3 liters of vegetable oil in there; I'm now going to add - this is for 40 jars - 2.2 liters of cider vinegar. I can see why Creator/JamesMay decided to do a cookery show; you just sit down and put things in jars.
-->''[cracking mustard seeds]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Now my mustard seeds need to be cracked to let the... stuff out of them, and I have a mustard cracker, you just put the seeds in...\\
''(pours the seeds onto the cracker, neglecting to remove the lid, spilling seeds all over the counter top; Clarkson gives an emotionless glare to the camera)''\\
'''Crew:''' Gotta take the lid off...\\
''(Clarkson glances around, then proceeds to try to take the lid off, causing even more of a mess)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Why've they put a bloody... look at them...
-->''[cracking mustard seeds, take two]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Now being careful to take the lid ''off'' your mustard cracker, pour these into the top...\\
''(pours the seeds into the cracker)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' There we go, lovely. Ready?\\
''(turns on the cracker)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Right, now that doesn't look very different but they have been cracked.
-->''[stocking the shop]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Once the finished mustard had been decanted into jars, I took all, um... 36 of them, up to the farm shop.
-->''[reunion with an old friend]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Pepper!\\
'''Lisa:''' Aw, no way!\\
'''Clarkson:''' We haven't seen her for a year!\\
'''Lisa:''' Of course it is! Look at her face!\\
'''Clarkson:''' And the really big surprise...\\
'''Lisa:''' Yeah?\\
'''Clarkson:''' That is Pepper's calf.\\
'''Lisa:''' [[ClarksonsFarmS2E8Climaxing I don't understand!]]\\
'''Clarkson:''' Pepper got pregnant! This is Pepper's calf!
-->''[Clarkson asks an important question]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Tim! How the bloody hell did you do that?!\\
'''Tim:''' The same bull that was at yours!\\
'''Lisa:''' No!\\
'''Clarkson:''' Same bull?\\
'''Lisa:''' Maestro?\\
'''Tim:''' Yeah, Maestro.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Breakheart?\\
'''Tim:''' Breakheart Maestro.\\
'''Lisa:''' What, you mean we brought her back here and she got up the duff immediately?\\
'''Tim:''' Yeah, well about a month afterwards.\\
'''Lisa:''' That's a bit rude to be honest, Tim.\\
'''Tim:''' She didn't like Oxfordshire, yeah?\\
'''Clarkson:''' She didn't like Oxfordshire! She's moved back into Northamptonshire! Yeah, she doesn't like...\\
'''Lisa:''' She doesn't like the [[ObstructiveBureaucrat Oxford District Council]]!
-->''[closing comments after the visit]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Now everything's shit. Apart from that. That's fantastic. The world's most famous cow is now a mom.
-->''[Clarkson totals his profits]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' By farming the unfarmed land of the farm...\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yep.\\
''(Clarkson points to his total)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' I made £27,614.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Profit?\\
'''Clarkson:''' Profit.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Wow.\\
'''Clarkson:''' That is an awful lot of work for not quite enough money to buy a Mini Countryman. I could earn more than that by making people cups of coffee on Paddington Station.
-->''[Kaleb's profits]''\\
'''Charlie:''' So, 2...\\
'''Clarkson:''' What?\\
'''Charlie:''' ...27,998.\\
''(Kaleb cackles)''\\
'''Charlie:''' So your total Kaleb, at the top, is 44,...\\
'''Clarkson:''' Oh, he's beating me!\\
'''Charlie:''' 987.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Well, there you go.\\
'''Kaleb:''' '''WOO!'''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Well done, first year of being farm manager [[CurbStompBattle and you've kicked my arse completely]].
-->''[Kaleb makes a suggestion]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' We can go to the pub today then.\\
'''Charlie:''' But, Kaleb, as you know, you know, farms always demand cash, don't they, and we've started next year's cycle...\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yep.\\
'''Charlie:''' ...so actually I need all of that to fund the seed, the fertilizer...\\
'''Clarkson:''' What?\\
'''Charlie:''' ...and the sprays. So...\\
'''Kaleb:''' So we can't go to the pub?\\
'''Charlie:''' No.\\
'''Clarkson:''' What, you need every single penny?\\
'''Charlie:''' Every single penny. The seed, ferts and sprays; that's not even covering the contracting charge.\\
'''Kaleb:''' ''(points at Clarkson)'' So I'll take you for a pint then?
-->''[Clarkson and Kaleb's perspective]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' But I'll tell you something else as well; if I hadn't farmed the unfarmed, we'd be in trouble.\\
'''Charlie:''' Yeah.\\
'''Clarkson:''' The other thing as well is that, again, I'm in the fortunate position of [[Series/TheGrandTour having other]] [[Series/WhoWantsToBeAMillionaire income streams]], but if you're a normal farmer and this is your full-time and only job, you get two years where you don't make any money...\\
'''Charlie:''' Yep.\\
'''Clarkson:''' You're screwed!\\
'''Charlie:''' It- it's really tough.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Because of the fluctuations we saw in the price of wheat and in the price of fertilizer...\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yeah.\\
'''Clarkson:''' You don't know where you are! You can't plan! Literally a butterfly can flap its wings in China... and you go bankrupt. It- it's that nuts! You used to have a relatively stable income in terms of subsidies but they're going. It's really hard to...\\
'''Kaleb:''' I'd like to think the future of farming is bright and light, and... especially for young generations coming in. Especially me! I'm 25 years old! I've got maybe potentially 60 harvests left!\\
'''Clarkson:''' [[BrokenRecord How? How? How? How?]]\\
'''Kaleb:''' I don't know! I honestly don't know.\\
'''Clarkson:''' How?\\
'''Kaleb:''' But I want to stay positive because I love what I do.\\
({{Beat}})\\
'''Kaleb:''' I'm gonna speak to the President again. The [[UsefulNotes/RishiSunak Prime Minister]], sorry.\\
'''Clarkson:''' ''(snickering)'' President...!\\
'''Kaleb:''' Fuckin' hell...\\
'''Clarkson:''' President!
-->''[Clarkson's perspectives on the situation]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' It was hard. Giving Charlie every penny we'd made to buy seed and fertilizer for the following year, because it meant we'd been through a lot... to earn nothing at all.\\
''(montage of past events is shown)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yup. It had been yet another tumultuous year, but, as is now customary, Team Diddly Squat gathered to mark its passing... with a picnic in the woods next to one of my... lesser triumphs.
-->''[state of the dam]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Dam's not quite finished.\\\
'''Kaleb:''' ''(giggles)'' Look at it!\\
'''Clarkson:''' You know we've gone backwards?\\
'''Charlie:''' Have you sta- I was about to say, have you actually started it?\\
'''Lisa:''' It's such a mess... that is a disgrace to be honest. Both of you.\\
'''Gerald:''' It's like a pair of children have been playin' down there innit?\\
'''Lisa:''' Yeah!\\
'''Clarkson:''' What?\\
''(all laugh)''
-->''[Clarkson's thoughts]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' I was thinking the other day. Farmers moan. Often with good reason: bloody difficult, don't get much pay, get lambasted by everybody for harming the environment. Why do they keep doing it? Why are they fighting to keep the industry going? You know, why would you? And then, I remembered you saying [[Recap/ClarksonsFarmS1E8Harvesting four years ago]] "It's a way of life, farming". You'd agree.\\
'''Gerald:''' Yeah.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yeah, I mean, you know, in the first year I went "Shall I go back to London or shall I stay here?" It doesn't even enter my head-\\
'''Kaleb:''' Oh, fuck...\\
''(all laugh)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' It doesn't even enter my head now. I mean I've gotta go to London next Tuesday. I'm already dreading it and trying to think of excuses for not going.
-->''[a rare comment from Kaleb]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' You know you went away to [[Series/TheGrandTour Africa]]?\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yeah.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Hate to admit this...\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yeah.\\
'''Kaleb:''' I kinda missed you.\\
''(Clarkson looks around in StunnedSilence)''\\
'''Lisa:''' Plane's gonna crash just as you say that!\\
''(Clarkson laughs)''\\
'''Charlie:''' When you say "kind of"...\\
'''Clarkson:''' ''(softly)'' Really?\\
'''Kaleb:''' I missed him as a person, certainly not his helping on the farm! Like, you know, our little cup of teas and our little chats and our meal out on the weekend and... chitchats and um... farming chats and...\\
'''Charlie:''' You do need that community around.
'''Kaleb:''' Yeah!\\
'''Charlie:''' You do need that sort of... otherwise, it's quite a lonely...
-->''[personal achievements]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' I know! And we've had the usual year of rows, difficulties, bad weather, disappointments, deaths - the pigs were just awful, Baroness and so on - but, let us look at it this way. I became a grandfather for the first time, since we were last here. You became a father again.\\
''(Kaleb nods)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' And you, the G-Dog... beat the Big C.\\
'''Gerald:''' Yeah.\\
'''Clarkson:''' I think we can drink to that!\\
'''Gerald:''' Yeah! Cheers, guys!\\
'''Clarkson:''' Well done, mate! Well done, well done!\\
'''Clarkson:''' Thank you... ''(points at Kaleb)'' and thank you. ''(points at Lisa)''\\
'''Lisa:''' You're welcome.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Thank you everybody for helping to make this the best job in the world.
-->''[Gerald gives thanks]''\\
'''Gerald:''' I would like to thank everybody, all the film crew and every one of my friends here. All of you have been so kind to me and my family. And... thank you very much!\\
'''Clarkson:''' Gerald...\\
'''Lisa:''' Gerald, we're here for you all the time. That's good.\\
'''Everyone:''' Cheers!\\
'''Gerald:''' Cheers guys!
'''Clarkson:''' There's the fan... and here comes the mustard! '''There it is!''' LOOK AT THAT! THERE'S TONS OF IT!\\
''(no more mustard comes out of the combine)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Is that it?! ({{Beat}}) Right... ({{Beat}}) Well, I guess I better cancel the speedboat order...
-->''[making mustard]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' Having readjusted my financial expectations, I set about turning the few seeds I did have into a ''delicious'' mustard.\\
'''Clarkson:''' What I've done so far is put 1.3 liters of vegetable oil in there; I'm now going to add - this is for 40 jars - 2.2 liters of cider vinegar. I can see why Creator/JamesMay decided to do a cookery show; you just sit down and put things in jars.
-->''[cracking mustard seeds]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Now my mustard seeds need to be cracked to let the... stuff out of them, and I have a mustard cracker, you just put the seeds in...\\
''(pours the seeds onto the cracker, neglecting to remove the lid, spilling seeds all over the counter top; Clarkson gives an emotionless glare to the camera)''\\
'''Crew:''' Gotta take the lid off...\\
''(Clarkson glances around, then proceeds to try to take the lid off, causing even more of a mess)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Why've they put a bloody... look at them...
-->''[cracking mustard seeds, take two]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Now being careful to take the lid ''off'' your mustard cracker, pour these into the top...\\
''(pours the seeds into the cracker)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' There we go, lovely. Ready?\\
''(turns on the cracker)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Right, now that doesn't look very different but they have been cracked.
-->''[stocking the shop]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Once the finished mustard had been decanted into jars, I took all, um... 36 of them, up to the farm shop.
-->''[reunion with an old friend]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Pepper!\\
'''Lisa:''' Aw, no way!\\
'''Clarkson:''' We haven't seen her for a year!\\
'''Lisa:''' Of course it is! Look at her face!\\
'''Clarkson:''' And the really big surprise...\\
'''Lisa:''' Yeah?\\
'''Clarkson:''' That is Pepper's calf.\\
'''Lisa:''' [[ClarksonsFarmS2E8Climaxing I don't understand!]]\\
'''Clarkson:''' Pepper got pregnant! This is Pepper's calf!
-->''[Clarkson asks an important question]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Tim! How the bloody hell did you do that?!\\
'''Tim:''' The same bull that was at yours!\\
'''Lisa:''' No!\\
'''Clarkson:''' Same bull?\\
'''Lisa:''' Maestro?\\
'''Tim:''' Yeah, Maestro.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Breakheart?\\
'''Tim:''' Breakheart Maestro.\\
'''Lisa:''' What, you mean we brought her back here and she got up the duff immediately?\\
'''Tim:''' Yeah, well about a month afterwards.\\
'''Lisa:''' That's a bit rude to be honest, Tim.\\
'''Tim:''' She didn't like Oxfordshire, yeah?\\
'''Clarkson:''' She didn't like Oxfordshire! She's moved back into Northamptonshire! Yeah, she doesn't like...\\
'''Lisa:''' She doesn't like the [[ObstructiveBureaucrat Oxford District Council]]!
-->''[closing comments after the visit]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Now everything's shit. Apart from that. That's fantastic. The world's most famous cow is now a mom.
-->''[Clarkson totals his profits]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' By farming the unfarmed land of the farm...\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yep.\\
''(Clarkson points to his total)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' I made £27,614.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Profit?\\
'''Clarkson:''' Profit.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Wow.\\
'''Clarkson:''' That is an awful lot of work for not quite enough money to buy a Mini Countryman. I could earn more than that by making people cups of coffee on Paddington Station.
-->''[Kaleb's profits]''\\
'''Charlie:''' So, 2...\\
'''Clarkson:''' What?\\
'''Charlie:''' ...27,998.\\
''(Kaleb cackles)''\\
'''Charlie:''' So your total Kaleb, at the top, is 44,...\\
'''Clarkson:''' Oh, he's beating me!\\
'''Charlie:''' 987.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Well, there you go.\\
'''Kaleb:''' '''WOO!'''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Well done, first year of being farm manager [[CurbStompBattle and you've kicked my arse completely]].
-->''[Kaleb makes a suggestion]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' We can go to the pub today then.\\
'''Charlie:''' But, Kaleb, as you know, you know, farms always demand cash, don't they, and we've started next year's cycle...\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yep.\\
'''Charlie:''' ...so actually I need all of that to fund the seed, the fertilizer...\\
'''Clarkson:''' What?\\
'''Charlie:''' ...and the sprays. So...\\
'''Kaleb:''' So we can't go to the pub?\\
'''Charlie:''' No.\\
'''Clarkson:''' What, you need every single penny?\\
'''Charlie:''' Every single penny. The seed, ferts and sprays; that's not even covering the contracting charge.\\
'''Kaleb:''' ''(points at Clarkson)'' So I'll take you for a pint then?
-->''[Clarkson and Kaleb's perspective]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' But I'll tell you something else as well; if I hadn't farmed the unfarmed, we'd be in trouble.\\
'''Charlie:''' Yeah.\\
'''Clarkson:''' The other thing as well is that, again, I'm in the fortunate position of [[Series/TheGrandTour having other]] [[Series/WhoWantsToBeAMillionaire income streams]], but if you're a normal farmer and this is your full-time and only job, you get two years where you don't make any money...\\
'''Charlie:''' Yep.\\
'''Clarkson:''' You're screwed!\\
'''Charlie:''' It- it's really tough.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Because of the fluctuations we saw in the price of wheat and in the price of fertilizer...\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yeah.\\
'''Clarkson:''' You don't know where you are! You can't plan! Literally a butterfly can flap its wings in China... and you go bankrupt. It- it's that nuts! You used to have a relatively stable income in terms of subsidies but they're going. It's really hard to...\\
'''Kaleb:''' I'd like to think the future of farming is bright and light, and... especially for young generations coming in. Especially me! I'm 25 years old! I've got maybe potentially 60 harvests left!\\
'''Clarkson:''' [[BrokenRecord How? How? How? How?]]\\
'''Kaleb:''' I don't know! I honestly don't know.\\
'''Clarkson:''' How?\\
'''Kaleb:''' But I want to stay positive because I love what I do.\\
({{Beat}})\\
'''Kaleb:''' I'm gonna speak to the President again. The [[UsefulNotes/RishiSunak Prime Minister]], sorry.\\
'''Clarkson:''' ''(snickering)'' President...!\\
'''Kaleb:''' Fuckin' hell...\\
'''Clarkson:''' President!
-->''[Clarkson's perspectives on the situation]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' It was hard. Giving Charlie every penny we'd made to buy seed and fertilizer for the following year, because it meant we'd been through a lot... to earn nothing at all.\\
''(montage of past events is shown)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yup. It had been yet another tumultuous year, but, as is now customary, Team Diddly Squat gathered to mark its passing... with a picnic in the woods next to one of my... lesser triumphs.
-->''[state of the dam]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Dam's not quite finished.\\\
'''Kaleb:''' ''(giggles)'' Look at it!\\
'''Clarkson:''' You know we've gone backwards?\\
'''Charlie:''' Have you sta- I was about to say, have you actually started it?\\
'''Lisa:''' It's such a mess... that is a disgrace to be honest. Both of you.\\
'''Gerald:''' It's like a pair of children have been playin' down there innit?\\
'''Lisa:''' Yeah!\\
'''Clarkson:''' What?\\
''(all laugh)''
-->''[Clarkson's thoughts]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' I was thinking the other day. Farmers moan. Often with good reason: bloody difficult, don't get much pay, get lambasted by everybody for harming the environment. Why do they keep doing it? Why are they fighting to keep the industry going? You know, why would you? And then, I remembered you saying [[Recap/ClarksonsFarmS1E8Harvesting four years ago]] "It's a way of life, farming". You'd agree.\\
'''Gerald:''' Yeah.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yeah, I mean, you know, in the first year I went "Shall I go back to London or shall I stay here?" It doesn't even enter my head-\\
'''Kaleb:''' Oh, fuck...\\
''(all laugh)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' It doesn't even enter my head now. I mean I've gotta go to London next Tuesday. I'm already dreading it and trying to think of excuses for not going.
-->''[a rare comment from Kaleb]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' You know you went away to [[Series/TheGrandTour Africa]]?\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yeah.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Hate to admit this...\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yeah.\\
'''Kaleb:''' I kinda missed you.\\
''(Clarkson looks around in StunnedSilence)''\\
'''Lisa:''' Plane's gonna crash just as you say that!\\
''(Clarkson laughs)''\\
'''Charlie:''' When you say "kind of"...\\
'''Clarkson:''' ''(softly)'' Really?\\
'''Kaleb:''' I missed him as a person, certainly not his helping on the farm! Like, you know, our little cup of teas and our little chats and our meal out on the weekend and... chitchats and um... farming chats and...\\
'''Charlie:''' You do need that community around.
'''Kaleb:''' Yeah!\\
'''Charlie:''' You do need that sort of... otherwise, it's quite a lonely...
-->''[personal achievements]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' I know! And we've had the usual year of rows, difficulties, bad weather, disappointments, deaths - the pigs were just awful, Baroness and so on - but, let us look at it this way. I became a grandfather for the first time, since we were last here. You became a father again.\\
''(Kaleb nods)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' And you, the G-Dog... beat the Big C.\\
'''Gerald:''' Yeah.\\
'''Clarkson:''' I think we can drink to that!\\
'''Gerald:''' Yeah! Cheers, guys!\\
'''Clarkson:''' Well done, mate! Well done, well done!\\
'''Clarkson:''' Thank you... ''(points at Kaleb)'' and thank you. ''(points at Lisa)''\\
'''Lisa:''' You're welcome.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Thank you everybody for helping to make this the best job in the world.
-->''[Gerald gives thanks]''\\
'''Gerald:''' I would like to thank everybody, all the film crew and every one of my friends here. All of you have been so kind to me and my family. And... thank you very much!\\
'''Clarkson:''' Gerald...\\
'''Lisa:''' Gerald, we're here for you all the time. That's good.\\
'''Everyone:''' Cheers!\\
'''Gerald:''' Cheers guys!
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Changed line(s) 5838 (click to see context) from:
to:
-->''[Clarkson and Kaleb muse about the weather]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Driest February ever, wettest March for 40 years...\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yeah...\\
''(flashback)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Then it didn't rain ''at all'' but was cold in May...\\
''(flashback)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Then it went hottest June ever...\\
''(flashback)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Since then, it's been...\\
'''Kaleb:''' The wettest July.\\
''(flashback)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' The wettest July and the coldest.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yeah.
-->''[Clarkson on the weather]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Given that the weather had done the exact opposite of what we needed all-year long, we were praying for an old-fashioned autumn will lots of warm sunshine, but no; the crucial harvesting month was also refusing to play ball.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Today was meant to be sunny. Look at it!\\
''(ominous weather)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' And now Kaleb had killed the crops off to ready them for the combine, the clock was ticking; the longer they sat in the field too wet to harvest, the more they would deteriorate.
-->''[Kaleb's initial moisture tests]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' We need under 15.\\
''(moisture test performed)''\\
'''Kaleb:''' 18.4. Shit.
-->''[repeated moisture tests]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' I think I've broken a record of how many times I can moisture test a field.\\
''(moisture tests being performed)''\\
'''Kaleb:''' Moisture test, moisture test then moisture test again. Then do another moisture test.\\
''(more moisture tests being performed)''\\
'''Kaleb:''' Get to the end of the day and go "No, it's not gonna go today."
-->''[Clarkson on Kaleb's office]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' ''(in between laughter)'' It's the shittiest office I've ever been in!
-->''[risk assessments]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' Charlie's in the US of A.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yeah. Harvest is around the corner so obviously he's gone away.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Exactly, so he's gone away. But, as farm manager now, it makes me responsible for the health and safety on this farm.\\
'''Clarkson:''' [[OhCrap Oh God...]]\\
'''Kaleb:''' Ten minutes; that's all it's gonna take. I've gotta go through this folder.\\
'''Clarkson:''' What is it?\\
'''Kaleb:''' You can read it if you want. Read all the risk assessments and stuff like that I've done.\\
''(Clarkson flips through the pages)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Have you done risk assessments?\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yeah. I had to; it's on my head. If you injure yourself now, do you know whose fault it is? Mine. I go to prison. And this face isn't for prison.
-->''[Mistakes were made]''\\
''(Clarkson pushes the wrong button, causing his tipper to dump oats)''\\
'''Kaleb:''' Oh! Oh you fucking...\\
''(Clarkson fiddles in the cab)''\\
'''Kaleb:''' Honestly, I can't- I can't stand him!\\
'''Simon:''' Give him a shovel and some bags! That's what we used to do with the students. Make him shovel it up again!
-->''[Clarkson has forgotten how to harvest]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Um, I'm loading while stationary. I know you can see it at home and you're laughing at me but... the important thing is... [[CausticCritic Kaleb]]'s not here to see it.
-->''[the oats are harvested]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Eat your heart out, [=McScotland=]! We can have some [=McChippingNorton=] porridge!
-->''[night rain]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' However, we couldn't savor the normal joy of harvesting because once again, the weather reared its ugly head.\\
'''Clarkson:''' So now we'll go into the Met Office... they're saying 10 o'clock tonight rain.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Err, mine's saying 9 o'clock.\\
''(transitions to Clarkson and Andy)''\\
'''Andy:''' Have you got this particular app of doom?\\
'''Clarkson:''' Is that the Norwegian? Which one's that one?\\
'''Andy:''' Rain today.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yeah, I've just been looking at the BBC Met Office. That Norwegian one is very good.\\
'''Andy:''' Yeah...\\
'''Clarkson:''' They're all saying now- they're all saying 10 o'clock.\\
'''Andy:''' 10 o'clock?\\
'''Clarkson:''' 10 o'clock.\\
''(transitions to Clarkson alone on weather app)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' [[OhCrap Holy shit]], look at that! ''That'' is coming and it's going to get medieval on our bottoms.
-->''[Kaleb makes a last-minute decision]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' With every app saying wind and rain was on the way, Kaleb made a late afternoon decision.\\
'''Kaleb:''' I think in terms of what we do next is we finish this field off because we're here anyway...\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yeah, you're the farm manager.\\
'''Kaleb:''' And then we move down to the Wildfarmed.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yeah, okay, well that will keep Andy happy.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yes, and get that done.
-->''[Andy's yield]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' Andy had predicted that because he'd been too cautious with the fertilizer, his field wouldn't produce a massive yield. And he wasn't wrong.\\
'''Clarkson:''' I mean... a third of the field, and it's less than half the trailer full. Well, we're easily gonna get this field done.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yeah. ({{Beat}}) It's pretty low, isn't it?
-->''[an old saying]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Now let's just remind ourselves: there's a saying which says if you haven't got your rape planted by the time of the Moreton Show, which is a... farming show near here, which is early September, don't plant it because you're too late. We didn't get our rape in by the Moreton Show, we advised Kaleb not to plant rape, he went ahead and planted it anyway, most of it failed; this field didn't fail, we're waiting to see what the yield is.
-->''[Kaleb tends to the pigs]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' A bit like going to the maternity center with the other half. Hold their hand, massage their back... ''(laughs)'' scratch around their ears... you're okay, yeah. Yeah, you're good. Calms her down, look.
-->''[Swiz is no longer a swizz]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Oh my God, there's loads! Well done! We're not going to call you Swiz any more!\\
''(cuts to Lisa)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' In March, Swiz gave birth to three.\\
'''Lisa:''' That's right.\\
'''Clarkson:''' This time, eleven.\\
'''Lisa:''' No!\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yes!\\
'''Lisa:''' Swiz!
-->''[that's a lot of piglets]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' So the total number of piglets we had in March was 28 piglets.\\
'''Lisa:''' Yeah.\\
'''Clarkson:''' This time: 53.\\
'''Lisa:''' Whoa.
-->''[Arya does his business]''\\
''[Arya [[{Pun}} lays waste]] to the potatoes]''\\
'''Lisa:''' Arya, st- no! That's my potatoes! No! Get off my potatoes! Go on, this way! No, you [[FunetikAksent eejits]]! Go on, this way!
-->''[next steps]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Eventually we agreed the potatoes would bring in... something or other, and then I set off with my trailer to harvest the mustard fields Lisa hasn't commandeered.
-->''[Kaleb on Clarkson's driving skills]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' There's drivers and there's screwdrivers. And you're a screwdriver.
-->''[Clarkson's grave mistake]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' The problem with planting crops on ground that's not usually farmed - and I should have realized this - is that none of the gates are designed for modern farm machinery. So, Simon and Kaleb had to make a long and irritating detour.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Jesus Christ...\\
'''Simon:''' Yeah...\\
'''Clarkson:''' And then to get into the actual mustard field... we had to smash a fence down.
'''Clarkson:''' Driest February ever, wettest March for 40 years...\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yeah...\\
''(flashback)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Then it didn't rain ''at all'' but was cold in May...\\
''(flashback)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Then it went hottest June ever...\\
''(flashback)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Since then, it's been...\\
'''Kaleb:''' The wettest July.\\
''(flashback)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' The wettest July and the coldest.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yeah.
-->''[Clarkson on the weather]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Given that the weather had done the exact opposite of what we needed all-year long, we were praying for an old-fashioned autumn will lots of warm sunshine, but no; the crucial harvesting month was also refusing to play ball.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Today was meant to be sunny. Look at it!\\
''(ominous weather)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' And now Kaleb had killed the crops off to ready them for the combine, the clock was ticking; the longer they sat in the field too wet to harvest, the more they would deteriorate.
-->''[Kaleb's initial moisture tests]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' We need under 15.\\
''(moisture test performed)''\\
'''Kaleb:''' 18.4. Shit.
-->''[repeated moisture tests]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' I think I've broken a record of how many times I can moisture test a field.\\
''(moisture tests being performed)''\\
'''Kaleb:''' Moisture test, moisture test then moisture test again. Then do another moisture test.\\
''(more moisture tests being performed)''\\
'''Kaleb:''' Get to the end of the day and go "No, it's not gonna go today."
-->''[Clarkson on Kaleb's office]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' ''(in between laughter)'' It's the shittiest office I've ever been in!
-->''[risk assessments]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' Charlie's in the US of A.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yeah. Harvest is around the corner so obviously he's gone away.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Exactly, so he's gone away. But, as farm manager now, it makes me responsible for the health and safety on this farm.\\
'''Clarkson:''' [[OhCrap Oh God...]]\\
'''Kaleb:''' Ten minutes; that's all it's gonna take. I've gotta go through this folder.\\
'''Clarkson:''' What is it?\\
'''Kaleb:''' You can read it if you want. Read all the risk assessments and stuff like that I've done.\\
''(Clarkson flips through the pages)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Have you done risk assessments?\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yeah. I had to; it's on my head. If you injure yourself now, do you know whose fault it is? Mine. I go to prison. And this face isn't for prison.
-->''[Mistakes were made]''\\
''(Clarkson pushes the wrong button, causing his tipper to dump oats)''\\
'''Kaleb:''' Oh! Oh you fucking...\\
''(Clarkson fiddles in the cab)''\\
'''Kaleb:''' Honestly, I can't- I can't stand him!\\
'''Simon:''' Give him a shovel and some bags! That's what we used to do with the students. Make him shovel it up again!
-->''[Clarkson has forgotten how to harvest]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Um, I'm loading while stationary. I know you can see it at home and you're laughing at me but... the important thing is... [[CausticCritic Kaleb]]'s not here to see it.
-->''[the oats are harvested]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Eat your heart out, [=McScotland=]! We can have some [=McChippingNorton=] porridge!
-->''[night rain]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' However, we couldn't savor the normal joy of harvesting because once again, the weather reared its ugly head.\\
'''Clarkson:''' So now we'll go into the Met Office... they're saying 10 o'clock tonight rain.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Err, mine's saying 9 o'clock.\\
''(transitions to Clarkson and Andy)''\\
'''Andy:''' Have you got this particular app of doom?\\
'''Clarkson:''' Is that the Norwegian? Which one's that one?\\
'''Andy:''' Rain today.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yeah, I've just been looking at the BBC Met Office. That Norwegian one is very good.\\
'''Andy:''' Yeah...\\
'''Clarkson:''' They're all saying now- they're all saying 10 o'clock.\\
'''Andy:''' 10 o'clock?\\
'''Clarkson:''' 10 o'clock.\\
''(transitions to Clarkson alone on weather app)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' [[OhCrap Holy shit]], look at that! ''That'' is coming and it's going to get medieval on our bottoms.
-->''[Kaleb makes a last-minute decision]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' With every app saying wind and rain was on the way, Kaleb made a late afternoon decision.\\
'''Kaleb:''' I think in terms of what we do next is we finish this field off because we're here anyway...\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yeah, you're the farm manager.\\
'''Kaleb:''' And then we move down to the Wildfarmed.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yeah, okay, well that will keep Andy happy.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yes, and get that done.
-->''[Andy's yield]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' Andy had predicted that because he'd been too cautious with the fertilizer, his field wouldn't produce a massive yield. And he wasn't wrong.\\
'''Clarkson:''' I mean... a third of the field, and it's less than half the trailer full. Well, we're easily gonna get this field done.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yeah. ({{Beat}}) It's pretty low, isn't it?
-->''[an old saying]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Now let's just remind ourselves: there's a saying which says if you haven't got your rape planted by the time of the Moreton Show, which is a... farming show near here, which is early September, don't plant it because you're too late. We didn't get our rape in by the Moreton Show, we advised Kaleb not to plant rape, he went ahead and planted it anyway, most of it failed; this field didn't fail, we're waiting to see what the yield is.
-->''[Kaleb tends to the pigs]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' A bit like going to the maternity center with the other half. Hold their hand, massage their back... ''(laughs)'' scratch around their ears... you're okay, yeah. Yeah, you're good. Calms her down, look.
-->''[Swiz is no longer a swizz]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Oh my God, there's loads! Well done! We're not going to call you Swiz any more!\\
''(cuts to Lisa)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' In March, Swiz gave birth to three.\\
'''Lisa:''' That's right.\\
'''Clarkson:''' This time, eleven.\\
'''Lisa:''' No!\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yes!\\
'''Lisa:''' Swiz!
-->''[that's a lot of piglets]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' So the total number of piglets we had in March was 28 piglets.\\
'''Lisa:''' Yeah.\\
'''Clarkson:''' This time: 53.\\
'''Lisa:''' Whoa.
-->''[Arya does his business]''\\
''[Arya [[{Pun}} lays waste]] to the potatoes]''\\
'''Lisa:''' Arya, st- no! That's my potatoes! No! Get off my potatoes! Go on, this way! No, you [[FunetikAksent eejits]]! Go on, this way!
-->''[next steps]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Eventually we agreed the potatoes would bring in... something or other, and then I set off with my trailer to harvest the mustard fields Lisa hasn't commandeered.
-->''[Kaleb on Clarkson's driving skills]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' There's drivers and there's screwdrivers. And you're a screwdriver.
-->''[Clarkson's grave mistake]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' The problem with planting crops on ground that's not usually farmed - and I should have realized this - is that none of the gates are designed for modern farm machinery. So, Simon and Kaleb had to make a long and irritating detour.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Jesus Christ...\\
'''Simon:''' Yeah...\\
'''Clarkson:''' And then to get into the actual mustard field... we had to smash a fence down.
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-->''[summertime reflections]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' As the summer heat descended on Diddly Squat, Charlie retired to his office to get quotes for building our new farm shop carpark. This was now extremely urgent as the summer visitors had arrived and were whiling away the hours up there tucking into burgers made with our beef...\\
'''Annie:''' Thanks a lot!\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' ...and drinking not only my Hawkstone Lager...\\
'''Female customer:''' Cheers!\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' But also Kaleb's new Hawkstone Cider.\\
'''Bartender:''' There you go, enjoy!\\
'''Male customer:''' Thank you very much, sir!\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' And me?\\
'''Clarkson:''' [[BigYes Yes!]] Oh, look at these! These are spectacular!\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' Well, I was now the Mushroom King of Chipping Norton, delivering every day to a range of farm shops and pubs in the area.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Busy, busy, [[RuleOfThree busy]].\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' Mushrooms are what I provided for the crew's lunch. Every day. For a month. And they're all I could ever talk about!
-->''[a very baffled Clarkson]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' "What's the CCP of this product?" ''(picks up phone)'' CCP. "What is the CCP?" It says it's the [[RedChina Chinese Communist Party]]. What? "What is the controlling factor for ''clostridium botulinum''?" I don't fucking know!
-->''[Kaleb asks an important question]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' Quick question though; how long is this gonna take? 'cause I mean we're in July now, just in terms of my timescale how long is it gonna take?\\
'''Alan:''' A month. And that is...\\
'''Clarkson:''' Well, but it won't take a month!\\
'''Alan:''' 20 days. A build is, what, 20 days, innit? Five days a week! We're not coming Saturday 'cause it's open! I've gotta go to church on Sunday!
-->''[Clarkson's deadline]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' We're gonna have this done in two days.\\
'''Alan:''' No we're not.\\
'''Clarkson:''' We are!\\
'''Alan:''' No! Now stop it!\\
'''Clarkson:''' I can't see what's the-\\
'''Alan:''' '''No! Stop it!'''\\
'''Kaleb:''' Chief, calm down.\\
'''Alan:''' What's up with him?! Two days!
-->''[unpleasant past events]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' So just to remind, uh, everybody, the stone that Kaleb's loading up now is what we dug to build the farm track [[Recap/ClarksonsFarmS2E7Scheming that the council then said we couldn't have]]. The upside of that is that we've got a lot of stone left over which we can use to make the car park, [[ObstructiveBureaucrat which they also said we couldn't have]]. ''(on walkie-talkie)'' Sometime today would be good, Kaleb. Am I nearly full?\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yeah, you impatient fuck.
-->''[Alan speaks "fluent Gerald"]''\\
'''Gerald:''' ''(on walkie-talkie)'' Hello, copy?\\
'''Alan:''' ''(on walkie-talkie)'' Yeah I got you Gerald, what's up?\\
'''Gerald:''' ''(on walkie-talkie)'' No, they were just ask'n me how long is it gonna take me to move this all this rubble. ''(unintelligible)''\\
'''Alan:''' ''(on walkie-talkie)'' All week the way it's going but it'll be alright. Once we get rolling it'll be alright, you'll be surprised. ''(unintelligible)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' It turns out that Alan speaks [[{{Conlang}} fluent]] [[TheUnintelligible Gerald]]. The two of them can have proper conversations.\\
'''Gerald:''' ''(unintelligible chatter over walkie-talkie)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' And they are bloody good mates and Alan, while Gerald was ill, was really, really a good mate. They've known each other for donkey's years those two.
-->''[nausea sets in]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Are you alright, 'cause that bouncing-\\
'''Gerald:''' No I can't do no more t'day like that. It's that last bit, innit?\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yeah. We will manage- I don't know how, but we will manage.
-->''[deadline obviously not met]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' With Gerald gone we gave it our best shot, but we were now down to one trailer which, if I'm honest, was a bit too small. So soon I realized we were going to miss my deadline.\\
'''Clarkson:''' ''(over walkie-talkie)'' Kaleb, realistically we're not gonna get this done today are we?\\
'''Kaleb:''' ''(over walkie-talkie)'' No, you won't get all of it done, no.\\
'''Clarkson:''' ''(under his breath)'' Fuck.\\
({{Beat}}}\\
'''Clarkson:''' Well, we can't transport this stone when the shop is open 'cause we'd run over, well I dunno, six children a day? And that would go on the news, I know it would.\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' As night began to fall our drone revealed that we'd been valiant, but that Alan... may have had a point.\\
'''Lisa:''' We're gonna be here next week now, are we?\\
'''Alan:''' Ha!
-->''[Hugh offers justifications]''\\
'''Hugh:''' Well I think that the story that needs to be told is that if you are going to shoot a deer, it's for all the right reasons coupled with the fact that you're only gonna do it if you are completely confident that you can do it in as humane a manner as possible.
-->''[Clarkson and Hugh set up a hunting rifle]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' This is gonna be the most many thing ever shown on television.
-->''[Clarkson is a surprisingly good shot]''\\
'''Hugh:''' It pains me to say it but that's five out of five!\\
''(Clarkson celebrates)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' I've found something I'm good at!\\
'''Hugh:''' That was very good!
-->''[an opportunity presents itself]''\\
'''Hugh:''' There is a buck.\\
''(rifle safety turns off)''\\
'''Hugh:''' Now.\\
''({{Beat}})''\\
'''Hugh:''' If you're gonna shoot...\\
'''Clarkson:''' No, actually he's looking straight at me.\\
'''Hugh:''' There, you can shoot him now.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yep... okay, that's a really easy shot.\\
'''Hugh:''' Shoot.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Okay, here we go.\\
'''Hugh:''' Okay, he's good now... whenever you're ready.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yeah, I've got him.\\
'''Hugh:''' Shoot.\\
''(buck escapes into the grass)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Oh, he's gone into the long grass.\\
'''Hugh:''' That's him catching us. He's busted us.
-->''[the buck reappears]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' I've got him.\\
'''Hugh:''' Shoot. He's a perfect one to take.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Okay.\\
''(gunshot)''\\
''(soon after, at the shop...)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' [[BlackComedy Anyone for a hot dog?]]
-->''[an important phone call]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Hello? Yeah? It's what? ''(stops engine)'' Why? Oh shit...\\
''(rings Kaleb)''\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yo dude.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yo. Err... right, do you want the bad news or the bad news?\\
'''Kaleb:''' Err... the bad news?\\
'''Clarkson:''' The cider's exploding.\\
'''Kaleb:''' What?
-->''[Clarkson asks Rick an important question]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Do you have any idea... well first of all, how many cases are affected?\\
'''Rick:''' Um...\\
'''Clarkson:''' How many bottles are we talking about?\\
'''Rick:''' Thousands. Thousands of bottles.\\
'''Clarkson:''' [[CurseCutShort Shi-]]
-->''[Cidergate]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Well, what I've written is: "Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. There's been a massive cock up and as a result, there's a very slim chance, some of our Hawkstone CIDER bottles", and I put "cider" in capital letters, "might, there's no easy way of saying this, explode. If the cap has the code L3160, open it underwater, pour it away and get in touch. Really sorry about this."\\
'''Kaleb:''' That's gonna get the attention...
-->''[a second phone call]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Okay, yeah, couldn't have happened on a worse day if I'm honest, but I'll see you in half an hour. Bye.
-->''[an angry Hawkstone Cider consumer]''\\
'''@[=SlapjawJohnson=]:''' Fucking Kaleb, thanks a fucking lot! Jesus! Fuck![[note]]All expletives bleeped out in show[[/note]]
-->''[headline news]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' My PR message had even made it onto the evening news...\\
''(ITV News Meridian intro plays)''\\
'''Stacey Poole:''' Now Jeremy Clarkson's Oxfordshire farm has recalled some of its bottles of cider, warning they could explode. He advises anyone who has bought some to open them underwater and... ''(voice fades out)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' ...running alongside the other important stories of the day.\\
'''Poole:''' Giant puppets have been parading through Gosport High Street this afternoon. Farrah, the five-meter high mechanical fox, traveled through the town-\\
''(feed cuts off)''
-->''[Clarkson's efforts are thwarted]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Very difficult to make a carpark when it's being used as a carpark.
-->''[Clarkson checks on the mushrooms]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Once again I shall enter my little fungal money pit.\\
''(enters bunker)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Oh. That's a worry. That looks like mold- that is mold, look. And there's mold. Mold. Mold. That's got mold, look. That's moldy. Oh no.\\
''(continues checking to see more moldy mushrooms)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' So even though we disinfected this whole area before bringing the new bags in, it was obviously left over somehow from the previous crop. [[OhCrap Shit!]]
-->''[even more mold]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' And this is the fan that's keeping the air moving to try and stop the mold...\\
''(unhooks hose from fan and filter)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Oh! [[OhCrap Oh my giddy aunt!]] Look in there! Augh! ''(heaves and coughs)'' God! I'm gonna be sick! Oh that smell! ''(coughs)''
-->''[that's gonna hurt]''\\
''(Clarkson hits his head on the door arch)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' I'm having a horrible day!\\
''(climbs out of the bunker)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' I can't let this go near nature! Ah... what the bloody hell do you...
-->''{Clarkson buries the contaminated pipes and fan)''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' I decided the only solution for the diseased pipe was to take inspiration from the movie ''Film/GoodFellas''.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Alright, we've gone through the topsoil, we're into the clay... I'm not gonna bury it until I can see the tips of the Sydney Opera House down there.\\
''(slakes the pipe with quicklime)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Quicklime. I have no idea what this does but I've seen Creator/JoePesci use it.\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' For belt and braces I then buried the equally moldy filter more than a mile away.\\
''(Clarkson struggles to put on his mask and gloves, mask snaps)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Oh, fucking thing!
-->''[the roller glass breaks]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' After the seaweed frackers had finished, Kaleb went off to have an accident.\\
''(glass breaks)''\\
'''Alan:''' He's broke the glass now!\\
'''Clarkson:''' You dingleberry!\\
'''Kaleb:''' '''WHAT THE FUCK?!'''\\
''(Clarkson laughs)''\\
'''Kaleb:''' Did anyone else just see that?!\\
'''Clarkson:''' No, we heard it.\\
'''Alan:''' We heard it. Unbelievable.
-->''[Clarkson's new business plan]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' So I bought the goats to... clear a bank of brambles that the machine wasn't able to do 'cause the bank was too steep, which is just at the bottom of this hill here, but they still aren't big enough to do that, so... how's this for a plan? I'm renting them out. They have become Avis goats; they will go to neighboring farms and clear things up, brambles and so on, and earn me money. And they shall become bigger and then next year I'll put them down there and they'll get on with it.
-->''[Clarkson meets his first client's land agent]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' My first customer was a friend who owned a bit of land next to mine.\\
'''Clarkson:''' It's always been slightly embarrassing this 'cause I used to think this bit of ground through here was mine. And it isn't.\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' I had to come through here though to meet my friend's land agent.\\
''(Clarkson exits his Range Rover, cows mooing and sheep bleating in the distance)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' ''(sighs)'' Well I'm a bit late. Hello? Hello?\\
'''Charlie:''' Hello.\\
'''Clarkson:''' What are you doing here?\\
'''Charlie:''' Uh... I look after the client here as well.\\
'''Clarkson:''' What? It was you?\\
''(Clarkson stares at the camera)''
-->''[Charlie notices something]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' How are we going to negotiate a price then?\\
'''Charlie:''' Well, I do realize there's a slight conflict.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Slight?! So how much- okay then, Charlie...\\
''(Charlie bursts into laughter)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' ...how much is the nameless, er... owner of the field going to pay me for the goats?\\
'''Charlie:''' Pay ''you''? I mean, look at all the wonderful forest! The brows- you know, all that value sitting before you, before your eyes! How about we call it... "zero"?
-->''[mushroom test results]''\\
'''Lisa:''' Er, they have- "Lisa, I have the shelf-life samples back. They have failed."\\
'''Clarkson:''' Hold on.\\
''(Clarkson reads results)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' "I have the shelf-life samples back... which generally indicates that either the mushroom quality was not the best or that it was not adequately cleaned prior to the drying process. You need to look at the standards of cleaning hygiene during preparation of the finished product (i.e. hand-washing, cleanliness of containers). If this product is to be put on the shelves you will need to review the preparation process."\\
'''Lisa:''' You know you were asking about the different colors? I think that's it. I think some of the rinds I just cut up... when I dried them. I'm so sorry.\\
'''Clarkson:''' ''(under breath)'' Fucking hell, that is so annoying... and this is just a bit of what we've made! We've gone to all this trouble and it's failed, so '''all this''' has failed.
-->''[high time for harvest]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' The mushroom issues were a bitter blow, especially now in August because we were approaching the end of the farming year, and therefore the conclusion of the contest between Kaleb and me.\\
''(flashback of events)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' I had tried everything I could think of to make money by farming the unfarmed.\\
''(flashback of events)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Some of my ideas had worked...\\
''(montage of various ideas that worked)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' ...and some hadn't.\\
''(montage of various ideas that didn't work)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' But soon, we would find out what the big numbers looked like, because at harvest time, the spotlight would shift from me... to Kaleb and the crops.
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' As the summer heat descended on Diddly Squat, Charlie retired to his office to get quotes for building our new farm shop carpark. This was now extremely urgent as the summer visitors had arrived and were whiling away the hours up there tucking into burgers made with our beef...\\
'''Annie:''' Thanks a lot!\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' ...and drinking not only my Hawkstone Lager...\\
'''Female customer:''' Cheers!\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' But also Kaleb's new Hawkstone Cider.\\
'''Bartender:''' There you go, enjoy!\\
'''Male customer:''' Thank you very much, sir!\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' And me?\\
'''Clarkson:''' [[BigYes Yes!]] Oh, look at these! These are spectacular!\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' Well, I was now the Mushroom King of Chipping Norton, delivering every day to a range of farm shops and pubs in the area.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Busy, busy, [[RuleOfThree busy]].\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' Mushrooms are what I provided for the crew's lunch. Every day. For a month. And they're all I could ever talk about!
-->''[a very baffled Clarkson]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' "What's the CCP of this product?" ''(picks up phone)'' CCP. "What is the CCP?" It says it's the [[RedChina Chinese Communist Party]]. What? "What is the controlling factor for ''clostridium botulinum''?" I don't fucking know!
-->''[Kaleb asks an important question]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' Quick question though; how long is this gonna take? 'cause I mean we're in July now, just in terms of my timescale how long is it gonna take?\\
'''Alan:''' A month. And that is...\\
'''Clarkson:''' Well, but it won't take a month!\\
'''Alan:''' 20 days. A build is, what, 20 days, innit? Five days a week! We're not coming Saturday 'cause it's open! I've gotta go to church on Sunday!
-->''[Clarkson's deadline]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' We're gonna have this done in two days.\\
'''Alan:''' No we're not.\\
'''Clarkson:''' We are!\\
'''Alan:''' No! Now stop it!\\
'''Clarkson:''' I can't see what's the-\\
'''Alan:''' '''No! Stop it!'''\\
'''Kaleb:''' Chief, calm down.\\
'''Alan:''' What's up with him?! Two days!
-->''[unpleasant past events]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' So just to remind, uh, everybody, the stone that Kaleb's loading up now is what we dug to build the farm track [[Recap/ClarksonsFarmS2E7Scheming that the council then said we couldn't have]]. The upside of that is that we've got a lot of stone left over which we can use to make the car park, [[ObstructiveBureaucrat which they also said we couldn't have]]. ''(on walkie-talkie)'' Sometime today would be good, Kaleb. Am I nearly full?\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yeah, you impatient fuck.
-->''[Alan speaks "fluent Gerald"]''\\
'''Gerald:''' ''(on walkie-talkie)'' Hello, copy?\\
'''Alan:''' ''(on walkie-talkie)'' Yeah I got you Gerald, what's up?\\
'''Gerald:''' ''(on walkie-talkie)'' No, they were just ask'n me how long is it gonna take me to move this all this rubble. ''(unintelligible)''\\
'''Alan:''' ''(on walkie-talkie)'' All week the way it's going but it'll be alright. Once we get rolling it'll be alright, you'll be surprised. ''(unintelligible)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' It turns out that Alan speaks [[{{Conlang}} fluent]] [[TheUnintelligible Gerald]]. The two of them can have proper conversations.\\
'''Gerald:''' ''(unintelligible chatter over walkie-talkie)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' And they are bloody good mates and Alan, while Gerald was ill, was really, really a good mate. They've known each other for donkey's years those two.
-->''[nausea sets in]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Are you alright, 'cause that bouncing-\\
'''Gerald:''' No I can't do no more t'day like that. It's that last bit, innit?\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yeah. We will manage- I don't know how, but we will manage.
-->''[deadline obviously not met]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' With Gerald gone we gave it our best shot, but we were now down to one trailer which, if I'm honest, was a bit too small. So soon I realized we were going to miss my deadline.\\
'''Clarkson:''' ''(over walkie-talkie)'' Kaleb, realistically we're not gonna get this done today are we?\\
'''Kaleb:''' ''(over walkie-talkie)'' No, you won't get all of it done, no.\\
'''Clarkson:''' ''(under his breath)'' Fuck.\\
({{Beat}}}\\
'''Clarkson:''' Well, we can't transport this stone when the shop is open 'cause we'd run over, well I dunno, six children a day? And that would go on the news, I know it would.\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' As night began to fall our drone revealed that we'd been valiant, but that Alan... may have had a point.\\
'''Lisa:''' We're gonna be here next week now, are we?\\
'''Alan:''' Ha!
-->''[Hugh offers justifications]''\\
'''Hugh:''' Well I think that the story that needs to be told is that if you are going to shoot a deer, it's for all the right reasons coupled with the fact that you're only gonna do it if you are completely confident that you can do it in as humane a manner as possible.
-->''[Clarkson and Hugh set up a hunting rifle]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' This is gonna be the most many thing ever shown on television.
-->''[Clarkson is a surprisingly good shot]''\\
'''Hugh:''' It pains me to say it but that's five out of five!\\
''(Clarkson celebrates)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' I've found something I'm good at!\\
'''Hugh:''' That was very good!
-->''[an opportunity presents itself]''\\
'''Hugh:''' There is a buck.\\
''(rifle safety turns off)''\\
'''Hugh:''' Now.\\
''({{Beat}})''\\
'''Hugh:''' If you're gonna shoot...\\
'''Clarkson:''' No, actually he's looking straight at me.\\
'''Hugh:''' There, you can shoot him now.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yep... okay, that's a really easy shot.\\
'''Hugh:''' Shoot.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Okay, here we go.\\
'''Hugh:''' Okay, he's good now... whenever you're ready.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yeah, I've got him.\\
'''Hugh:''' Shoot.\\
''(buck escapes into the grass)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Oh, he's gone into the long grass.\\
'''Hugh:''' That's him catching us. He's busted us.
-->''[the buck reappears]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' I've got him.\\
'''Hugh:''' Shoot. He's a perfect one to take.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Okay.\\
''(gunshot)''\\
''(soon after, at the shop...)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' [[BlackComedy Anyone for a hot dog?]]
-->''[an important phone call]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Hello? Yeah? It's what? ''(stops engine)'' Why? Oh shit...\\
''(rings Kaleb)''\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yo dude.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yo. Err... right, do you want the bad news or the bad news?\\
'''Kaleb:''' Err... the bad news?\\
'''Clarkson:''' The cider's exploding.\\
'''Kaleb:''' What?
-->''[Clarkson asks Rick an important question]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Do you have any idea... well first of all, how many cases are affected?\\
'''Rick:''' Um...\\
'''Clarkson:''' How many bottles are we talking about?\\
'''Rick:''' Thousands. Thousands of bottles.\\
'''Clarkson:''' [[CurseCutShort Shi-]]
-->''[Cidergate]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Well, what I've written is: "Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. There's been a massive cock up and as a result, there's a very slim chance, some of our Hawkstone CIDER bottles", and I put "cider" in capital letters, "might, there's no easy way of saying this, explode. If the cap has the code L3160, open it underwater, pour it away and get in touch. Really sorry about this."\\
'''Kaleb:''' That's gonna get the attention...
-->''[a second phone call]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Okay, yeah, couldn't have happened on a worse day if I'm honest, but I'll see you in half an hour. Bye.
-->''[an angry Hawkstone Cider consumer]''\\
'''@[=SlapjawJohnson=]:''' Fucking Kaleb, thanks a fucking lot! Jesus! Fuck![[note]]All expletives bleeped out in show[[/note]]
-->''[headline news]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' My PR message had even made it onto the evening news...\\
''(ITV News Meridian intro plays)''\\
'''Stacey Poole:''' Now Jeremy Clarkson's Oxfordshire farm has recalled some of its bottles of cider, warning they could explode. He advises anyone who has bought some to open them underwater and... ''(voice fades out)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' ...running alongside the other important stories of the day.\\
'''Poole:''' Giant puppets have been parading through Gosport High Street this afternoon. Farrah, the five-meter high mechanical fox, traveled through the town-\\
''(feed cuts off)''
-->''[Clarkson's efforts are thwarted]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Very difficult to make a carpark when it's being used as a carpark.
-->''[Clarkson checks on the mushrooms]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Once again I shall enter my little fungal money pit.\\
''(enters bunker)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Oh. That's a worry. That looks like mold- that is mold, look. And there's mold. Mold. Mold. That's got mold, look. That's moldy. Oh no.\\
''(continues checking to see more moldy mushrooms)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' So even though we disinfected this whole area before bringing the new bags in, it was obviously left over somehow from the previous crop. [[OhCrap Shit!]]
-->''[even more mold]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' And this is the fan that's keeping the air moving to try and stop the mold...\\
''(unhooks hose from fan and filter)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Oh! [[OhCrap Oh my giddy aunt!]] Look in there! Augh! ''(heaves and coughs)'' God! I'm gonna be sick! Oh that smell! ''(coughs)''
-->''[that's gonna hurt]''\\
''(Clarkson hits his head on the door arch)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' I'm having a horrible day!\\
''(climbs out of the bunker)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' I can't let this go near nature! Ah... what the bloody hell do you...
-->''{Clarkson buries the contaminated pipes and fan)''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' I decided the only solution for the diseased pipe was to take inspiration from the movie ''Film/GoodFellas''.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Alright, we've gone through the topsoil, we're into the clay... I'm not gonna bury it until I can see the tips of the Sydney Opera House down there.\\
''(slakes the pipe with quicklime)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Quicklime. I have no idea what this does but I've seen Creator/JoePesci use it.\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' For belt and braces I then buried the equally moldy filter more than a mile away.\\
''(Clarkson struggles to put on his mask and gloves, mask snaps)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Oh, fucking thing!
-->''[the roller glass breaks]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' After the seaweed frackers had finished, Kaleb went off to have an accident.\\
''(glass breaks)''\\
'''Alan:''' He's broke the glass now!\\
'''Clarkson:''' You dingleberry!\\
'''Kaleb:''' '''WHAT THE FUCK?!'''\\
''(Clarkson laughs)''\\
'''Kaleb:''' Did anyone else just see that?!\\
'''Clarkson:''' No, we heard it.\\
'''Alan:''' We heard it. Unbelievable.
-->''[Clarkson's new business plan]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' So I bought the goats to... clear a bank of brambles that the machine wasn't able to do 'cause the bank was too steep, which is just at the bottom of this hill here, but they still aren't big enough to do that, so... how's this for a plan? I'm renting them out. They have become Avis goats; they will go to neighboring farms and clear things up, brambles and so on, and earn me money. And they shall become bigger and then next year I'll put them down there and they'll get on with it.
-->''[Clarkson meets his first client's land agent]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' My first customer was a friend who owned a bit of land next to mine.\\
'''Clarkson:''' It's always been slightly embarrassing this 'cause I used to think this bit of ground through here was mine. And it isn't.\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' I had to come through here though to meet my friend's land agent.\\
''(Clarkson exits his Range Rover, cows mooing and sheep bleating in the distance)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' ''(sighs)'' Well I'm a bit late. Hello? Hello?\\
'''Charlie:''' Hello.\\
'''Clarkson:''' What are you doing here?\\
'''Charlie:''' Uh... I look after the client here as well.\\
'''Clarkson:''' What? It was you?\\
''(Clarkson stares at the camera)''
-->''[Charlie notices something]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' How are we going to negotiate a price then?\\
'''Charlie:''' Well, I do realize there's a slight conflict.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Slight?! So how much- okay then, Charlie...\\
''(Charlie bursts into laughter)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' ...how much is the nameless, er... owner of the field going to pay me for the goats?\\
'''Charlie:''' Pay ''you''? I mean, look at all the wonderful forest! The brows- you know, all that value sitting before you, before your eyes! How about we call it... "zero"?
-->''[mushroom test results]''\\
'''Lisa:''' Er, they have- "Lisa, I have the shelf-life samples back. They have failed."\\
'''Clarkson:''' Hold on.\\
''(Clarkson reads results)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' "I have the shelf-life samples back... which generally indicates that either the mushroom quality was not the best or that it was not adequately cleaned prior to the drying process. You need to look at the standards of cleaning hygiene during preparation of the finished product (i.e. hand-washing, cleanliness of containers). If this product is to be put on the shelves you will need to review the preparation process."\\
'''Lisa:''' You know you were asking about the different colors? I think that's it. I think some of the rinds I just cut up... when I dried them. I'm so sorry.\\
'''Clarkson:''' ''(under breath)'' Fucking hell, that is so annoying... and this is just a bit of what we've made! We've gone to all this trouble and it's failed, so '''all this''' has failed.
-->''[high time for harvest]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' The mushroom issues were a bitter blow, especially now in August because we were approaching the end of the farming year, and therefore the conclusion of the contest between Kaleb and me.\\
''(flashback of events)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' I had tried everything I could think of to make money by farming the unfarmed.\\
''(flashback of events)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Some of my ideas had worked...\\
''(montage of various ideas that worked)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' ...and some hadn't.\\
''(montage of various ideas that didn't work)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' But soon, we would find out what the big numbers looked like, because at harvest time, the spotlight would shift from me... to Kaleb and the crops.
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-->''[making a carpark]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' This meant getting cracking with the carpark.\\
'''Kaleb:''' What are we on now?\\
'''Clarkson:''' 45... we'll go 68.\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' I didn't think this would be difficult...\\
'''Clarkson:''' There.\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' Or expensive...\\
'''Clarkson:''' 53 meters...\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' Or time consuming.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Right, here...\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' But I was wrong. '''Very''' wrong.
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' This meant getting cracking with the carpark.\\
'''Kaleb:''' What are we on now?\\
'''Clarkson:''' 45... we'll go 68.\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' I didn't think this would be difficult...\\
'''Clarkson:''' There.\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' Or expensive...\\
'''Clarkson:''' 53 meters...\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' Or time consuming.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Right, here...\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' But I was wrong. '''Very''' wrong.
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-->''[a peculiar sign]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' ''(over walkie-talkie)'' Why've we got "Jeremy Keep Out"?\\
'''Kaleb:''' ''(over walkie-talkie)'' 'cause you keep fuckin' up this field!
-->''[the mushroom king of the Chipping Norton]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' In fact, I had so many mushrooms that besides selling them in the shop and the burger van, I was now hawking them round local pubs... and even rival farm shops.
-->''[and there's still so many more]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' But even though my incredibly varied sales platter was shifting some decent quantities...\\
'''Shopkeeper:''' 5, we'll have five kilos.\\
'''Clarkson:''' 1.2.\\
'''Pub staff:''' 6.1 kilos.\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' I was still barely scratching the surface.\\
''(opens bunker)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' For fuck's sake!
-->''[bursting back into life for all the wrong reasons]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' However, Mother Nature's ability to mend itself isn't always a source of joy; sometimes it can be downright annoying, a point brought into sharp focus...\\
'''Kaleb:''' Oh, Christ almighty...\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' ...when Kaleb and I decided to resume work on the dam.\\
'''Clarkson:''' I mean, is this...\\
'''Kaleb:''' We just can't get to it any more! We're going to have to come through with a chainsaw and cut all this back!\\
'''Clarkson:''' When were we last here?!\\
''(Kaleb laughs)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' It wasn't that long ago! And now a jungle has happened.\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' Happily though this meant I had an excuse to fire up WALL•E, my most favorite machine... [[{{Catchphrase}} in the world]].
-->''[Clarkson realizes something]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' You know what I just worked out?\\
'''Kaleb:''' What's that?\\
'''Clarkson:''' We are now ''exactly'' back to where we began in January: pipe at the top of the field, nothing done down there.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Never gonna finish this fuckin' dam.
-->''[determination]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' However, now we had the sleeper plan in place, I was much more optimistic that we would.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Pull it through! ''(unintelligible jargon)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' For the first time ever [[TemptingFate I want to leave further ahead than we when we got here]].
-->''[in full view]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' Buttcrack alert! Buttcrack alert! Warning! Warning!
-->''[annoyingly, no progress made either]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Another afternoon's work, and what we've done is... nothing of any great worth. I'm not gonna be defeated by this dam though. I'm just not.
-->''[Clarkson is baffled]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Right, so this is the nutrition values on it, yeah?\\
'''Lisa:''' Yeah.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Total fat: naught.\\
'''Lisa:''' Excellent.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Sodium: naught.\\
'''Lisa:''' Excellent.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Total carbohydrate: naught. Total sugars: naught. Added sugars: naught. Protein: naught. [[PunctuatedForEmphasis There's. Nothing. In it.]]\\
'''Lisa:''' Excellent!\\
'''Clarkson:''' Well how can it help your memory, focus and digestion when it contains '''NOTHING'''?!\\
'''Lisa:''' [[MushroomSamba The magic of mushrooms!]]
'''Clarkson:''' ''(over walkie-talkie)'' Why've we got "Jeremy Keep Out"?\\
'''Kaleb:''' ''(over walkie-talkie)'' 'cause you keep fuckin' up this field!
-->''[the mushroom king of the Chipping Norton]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' In fact, I had so many mushrooms that besides selling them in the shop and the burger van, I was now hawking them round local pubs... and even rival farm shops.
-->''[and there's still so many more]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' But even though my incredibly varied sales platter was shifting some decent quantities...\\
'''Shopkeeper:''' 5, we'll have five kilos.\\
'''Clarkson:''' 1.2.\\
'''Pub staff:''' 6.1 kilos.\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' I was still barely scratching the surface.\\
''(opens bunker)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' For fuck's sake!
-->''[bursting back into life for all the wrong reasons]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' However, Mother Nature's ability to mend itself isn't always a source of joy; sometimes it can be downright annoying, a point brought into sharp focus...\\
'''Kaleb:''' Oh, Christ almighty...\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' ...when Kaleb and I decided to resume work on the dam.\\
'''Clarkson:''' I mean, is this...\\
'''Kaleb:''' We just can't get to it any more! We're going to have to come through with a chainsaw and cut all this back!\\
'''Clarkson:''' When were we last here?!\\
''(Kaleb laughs)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' It wasn't that long ago! And now a jungle has happened.\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' Happily though this meant I had an excuse to fire up WALL•E, my most favorite machine... [[{{Catchphrase}} in the world]].
-->''[Clarkson realizes something]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' You know what I just worked out?\\
'''Kaleb:''' What's that?\\
'''Clarkson:''' We are now ''exactly'' back to where we began in January: pipe at the top of the field, nothing done down there.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Never gonna finish this fuckin' dam.
-->''[determination]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' However, now we had the sleeper plan in place, I was much more optimistic that we would.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Pull it through! ''(unintelligible jargon)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' For the first time ever [[TemptingFate I want to leave further ahead than we when we got here]].
-->''[in full view]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' Buttcrack alert! Buttcrack alert! Warning! Warning!
-->''[annoyingly, no progress made either]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Another afternoon's work, and what we've done is... nothing of any great worth. I'm not gonna be defeated by this dam though. I'm just not.
-->''[Clarkson is baffled]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Right, so this is the nutrition values on it, yeah?\\
'''Lisa:''' Yeah.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Total fat: naught.\\
'''Lisa:''' Excellent.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Sodium: naught.\\
'''Lisa:''' Excellent.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Total carbohydrate: naught. Total sugars: naught. Added sugars: naught. Protein: naught. [[PunctuatedForEmphasis There's. Nothing. In it.]]\\
'''Lisa:''' Excellent!\\
'''Clarkson:''' Well how can it help your memory, focus and digestion when it contains '''NOTHING'''?!\\
'''Lisa:''' [[MushroomSamba The magic of mushrooms!]]
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to:
-->''[Clarkson releases the cows into the fields]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' And he released the raptors. Wait.\\
''[opens the trailer]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' There, you're free! Now go!\\
''[cows slowly trod into the field]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Is that it?!\\
''(cows mooing)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Come on, where's all the running around?! You're supposed to dance around and be happy! '''You ungrateful bastards!'''
-->''[mushrooms are growing]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' After that letdown I went to inspect my [[InsistentTerminology Space Penises]], fully expecting some more disappointment.\\
''(Clarkson opens the tailgate of his Range Rover)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Right... I'm rather optimistically going to bring... one crate- two crates. Two crates for my mushrooms. I'll get into my [[Characters/StarWarsDarthVaderAndServants Darth Vader]] outfit, my rubber gloves on.\\
''(unlocks bunker, climbs down and peers into the bunker)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yay! Holy moley! Look at those! And those! This is amazing! Look at these beauties! Look at this! This could work! This could ''actually'' work!
-->''[the farm is triumphant]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Shit.\\
''(all conversation stops)''\\
'''Lisa:''' What have you done? What's wrong, love?\\
''(Clarkson stares open-mouthed)''\\
'''Lisa:''' Oh no. What's wrong? Are you alright?\\
''(Clarkson covers his mouth in amazement)''\\
'''Lisa:''' Are you crying or laughing?\\
'''Clarkson:''' We've won the appeal!\\
''(Lisa gasps)''\\
'''Annie:''' [[YouHaveGotToBeKiddingMe Shut up!]]\\
'''Lisa:''' No way!\\
'''Annie:''' Aw, nice!\\
''(Clarkson and Scott hug)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' We've won the appeal!
-->''[finally some closure]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Point 41: I shall for the purposes of clarity and understanding - this is the planning inspector - correct the allegation to a change of use to a mixed-use comprising agriculture, café, restaurant, farm shop, parking and lavatory facilities.\\
'''Annie:''' Blimey!\\
'''Lisa:''' He's given us the whole shebang?!\\
'''Clarkson:''' The whole lot!\\
'''Annie:''' [[BigYes Yes!]]\\
'''Clarkson:''' It seems we aren't- it seems we aren't-\\
''(points to restaurant)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' -that's gone, we aren't allowed to have a restaurant there, but we ''can'' have this here.\\
'''Scott:''' Amazin'.\\
'''Clarkson:''' And we can make that a café in there.\\
''(all laugh)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' This is the biggest "[[TakeThat fuck you]]" to the Council I've ever...
-->''[a victory speech]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' We're back in business!\\
''(Scott laughs)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Oh... fuck!
-->''[goat attack]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' So how-\\
''(Clarkson gets bit by a goat)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' '''OW!''' That really hurt! You're getting weighed next for being a horrible goat.\\
''(carries goat)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Christ Al-bloody-mighty! This is a porker!
-->''[in the plums]''\\
'''Lizzie:''' If they start escaping, that's it-\\
''(Clarkson is kicked in his unmentionables)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' '''OH! FUCK ME!'''\\
'''Lizzie:''' I think it's trying to-\\
'''Clarkson:''' Jesus Christ!\\
''(Lizzie giggles)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Right... sorry, what were you saying about the fencing being catastrophic?\\
'''Lizzie:''' ''(in between laughter)'' It could be catastrophic if you don't get it right.\\
''(Lisa and Clarkson are both kicked)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' So... '''ARGH!'''\\
'''Lisa:''' Do you want a lunch box?\\
'''Lizzie:''' ''(in between laughter)'' Yeah...!
-->''[the camera crew are not spared]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Look at Joey, he's in real trouble.\\
''(all laugh, Joey screams at being attacked by multiple goats)''\\
'''Lisa:''' He's our decoy here!\\
'''Joey:''' Help! Help!\\
''(all laugh)''\\
'''Lisa:''' It likes you a lot.\\
'''Lizzie:''' Literally nothing's sacred.\\
'''Joey:''' Argh!
-->''[a pre-battle meeting]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' Jeremy told me to say, he said: "Kaleb, erm, if you want any talking points, just tell Ricky that he's probably not gonna be Prime Minister anymore."\\
'''Charlie:''' [[UsefulNotes/RishiSunak Rishi.]]\\
'''Kaleb:''' The President, the Prime Minster, sorry.\\
'''Charlie:''' Yes, that would be a great place to start. I would definitely go "Oi, hello Mr. President! How are you, Ricky?"\\
'''Kaleb:''' "Come and see me on the weekend!"\\
'''Charlie:''' "You're not gonna be Prime Minster next time!"
-->''[a crash course on London history]''\\
'''Charlie:''' Trafalgar Square.\\
'''Kaleb:''' [[Recap/ClarksonsFarmS1E7Fluffing Oh I drove through here!]] I didn't put my indicator on in this junction here!\\
'''Charlie:''' Really?\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yeah!\\
'''Charlie:''' There's [[UsefulNotes/HoratioNelson Nelson]], look.\\
'''Kaleb:''' [[BookDumb Who's Nelson?]]\\
'''Charlie:''' He was an Admiral.\\
'''Kaleb:''' He's up quite high up.\\
'''Charlie:''' He won a battle. Do you know what he's looking at?\\
'''Kaleb:''' What?\\
'''Charlie:''' So... you see where those flags are?\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yeah.\\
'''Charlie:''' That's Admiralty Arch. Okay?\\
'''Kaleb:''' Right...\\
'''Charlie:''' And he's looking on the top of the arch; there are loads of ships.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Right...\\
'''Charlie:''' He- he- he- he- he led the Battle of Trafalgar against the French.\\
'''Kaleb:''' All that concrete to build a man that's looking over-\\
''(Kaleb sees a souvenir)''\\
'''Kaleb:''' "I ♡ London". Fuck that!
-->''[first impressions matter]''\\
'''UsefulNotes/RishiSunak:''' How are you?\\
''(Prime Minster Sunak shakes hands with Charlie)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Kaleb got to meet the Prime Minister.\\
'''Sunak:''' Thanks for coming! Kaleb, how are you?\\
'''Kaleb:''' ''(shakes hands with Prime Minister Sunak)'' How are you?\\
'''Clarkson:''' And this was his big moment to talk about attracting youngsters into farming.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Are you okay?\\
'''Sunak:''' I'm very well, thanks.\\
'''Kaleb:''' You've got lovely hair!\\
'''Sunak:''' Err, me?\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yeah...\\
''(all laugh)''\\
'''Sunak:''' Have you heard otherwise?\\
'''Kaleb:''' No no no!\\
'''Sunak:''' Oh, it was a general comment.\\
'''Kaleb:''' I just like hair.
-->''[Kaleb on young farmers]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' When the conversation moved outside, Kaleb finally did talk about young farmers.\\
'''Kaleb:''' The thing is, in my head...\\
'''Clarkson:''' But he made a bit of a meal about getting to the point.\\
'''Kaleb:''' You know, farming's not a job; it's a way of life. That is it! There's no other option there; it's a way of life. You don't get up and go "I've gotta go to work today." I never ever wake up in the morning and go "You know what? I've really got to work, I've got an 8 to 5 job, I can't wait to finish." You know, halfway through the day, you go "Oh, I wanna go home." I never do that; I wake up and go "Right, what am I doing today?" Yesterday- the day before, sorry, I was out there milking cows in the morning, then I went out there and started mowing for silage.\\
''(For the love of God man, get on with it)''\\
'''Kaleb:''' And then I was spraying. No day is the same! Everyone should have a dream.\\
'''Sunak:''' They should.\\
'''Kaleb:''' A dream is somewhere to go and to get to; as soon as you accomplish that dream, if you do it in 2 years, 3 years, 5 years...\\
''(Please..... I have a country to run)''\\
'''Kaleb:''' ...you've done it, set another dream. And the thing I say all the time is dreams don't work unless you do... ''(Kaleb's voice fades out)''
-->''[that's gone too well]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' While Kaleb was bringing the country to a grinding halt, Lisa and I had gone up to the mushroom bunker to see if any more had fruited.\\
''(Clarkson opens the bunker)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' [[OhCrap Oh shit. Oh my God.]]\\
'''Lisa:''' Have they not grown?\\
''(Clarkson stares into the bunker in StunnedSilence)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' [[WhatHaveIDone Oh my God.]]\\
'''Lisa:''' What's wrong?\\
''(Lisa peers into the bunker)''\\
'''Lisa:''' [[CurseCutShort What the f-]]\\
''(camera pans to show that lots of mushrooms have grown)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Look at this! How many have we got?! Thousands!
-->''[salesperson Clarkson]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' There was no way we could even fit a tenth of this lot into the farm shop, so I had to abandon my plans for the day and man a hastily-erected mushroom stall.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Now, can I interest you in the new Diddly Squat range? Gray oyster mushrooms, these are not like you get at the supermarket, or... lion's mane mushrooms.\\
'''Customer:''' Um, can I please have some of both?\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yes, of course!\\
''(Clarkson weighs the mushrooms)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' And that is cost- that's 427 grams. That would be £12.81.\\
'''Customer:''' Okay.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Woo!\\
'''Customer:''' Just out of curiosity... are you selling Space Penises?
'''Clarkson:''' And he released the raptors. Wait.\\
''[opens the trailer]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' There, you're free! Now go!\\
''[cows slowly trod into the field]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Is that it?!\\
''(cows mooing)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Come on, where's all the running around?! You're supposed to dance around and be happy! '''You ungrateful bastards!'''
-->''[mushrooms are growing]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' After that letdown I went to inspect my [[InsistentTerminology Space Penises]], fully expecting some more disappointment.\\
''(Clarkson opens the tailgate of his Range Rover)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Right... I'm rather optimistically going to bring... one crate- two crates. Two crates for my mushrooms. I'll get into my [[Characters/StarWarsDarthVaderAndServants Darth Vader]] outfit, my rubber gloves on.\\
''(unlocks bunker, climbs down and peers into the bunker)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yay! Holy moley! Look at those! And those! This is amazing! Look at these beauties! Look at this! This could work! This could ''actually'' work!
-->''[the farm is triumphant]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Shit.\\
''(all conversation stops)''\\
'''Lisa:''' What have you done? What's wrong, love?\\
''(Clarkson stares open-mouthed)''\\
'''Lisa:''' Oh no. What's wrong? Are you alright?\\
''(Clarkson covers his mouth in amazement)''\\
'''Lisa:''' Are you crying or laughing?\\
'''Clarkson:''' We've won the appeal!\\
''(Lisa gasps)''\\
'''Annie:''' [[YouHaveGotToBeKiddingMe Shut up!]]\\
'''Lisa:''' No way!\\
'''Annie:''' Aw, nice!\\
''(Clarkson and Scott hug)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' We've won the appeal!
-->''[finally some closure]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Point 41: I shall for the purposes of clarity and understanding - this is the planning inspector - correct the allegation to a change of use to a mixed-use comprising agriculture, café, restaurant, farm shop, parking and lavatory facilities.\\
'''Annie:''' Blimey!\\
'''Lisa:''' He's given us the whole shebang?!\\
'''Clarkson:''' The whole lot!\\
'''Annie:''' [[BigYes Yes!]]\\
'''Clarkson:''' It seems we aren't- it seems we aren't-\\
''(points to restaurant)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' -that's gone, we aren't allowed to have a restaurant there, but we ''can'' have this here.\\
'''Scott:''' Amazin'.\\
'''Clarkson:''' And we can make that a café in there.\\
''(all laugh)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' This is the biggest "[[TakeThat fuck you]]" to the Council I've ever...
-->''[a victory speech]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' We're back in business!\\
''(Scott laughs)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Oh... fuck!
-->''[goat attack]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' So how-\\
''(Clarkson gets bit by a goat)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' '''OW!''' That really hurt! You're getting weighed next for being a horrible goat.\\
''(carries goat)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Christ Al-bloody-mighty! This is a porker!
-->''[in the plums]''\\
'''Lizzie:''' If they start escaping, that's it-\\
''(Clarkson is kicked in his unmentionables)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' '''OH! FUCK ME!'''\\
'''Lizzie:''' I think it's trying to-\\
'''Clarkson:''' Jesus Christ!\\
''(Lizzie giggles)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Right... sorry, what were you saying about the fencing being catastrophic?\\
'''Lizzie:''' ''(in between laughter)'' It could be catastrophic if you don't get it right.\\
''(Lisa and Clarkson are both kicked)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' So... '''ARGH!'''\\
'''Lisa:''' Do you want a lunch box?\\
'''Lizzie:''' ''(in between laughter)'' Yeah...!
-->''[the camera crew are not spared]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Look at Joey, he's in real trouble.\\
''(all laugh, Joey screams at being attacked by multiple goats)''\\
'''Lisa:''' He's our decoy here!\\
'''Joey:''' Help! Help!\\
''(all laugh)''\\
'''Lisa:''' It likes you a lot.\\
'''Lizzie:''' Literally nothing's sacred.\\
'''Joey:''' Argh!
-->''[a pre-battle meeting]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' Jeremy told me to say, he said: "Kaleb, erm, if you want any talking points, just tell Ricky that he's probably not gonna be Prime Minister anymore."\\
'''Charlie:''' [[UsefulNotes/RishiSunak Rishi.]]\\
'''Kaleb:''' The President, the Prime Minster, sorry.\\
'''Charlie:''' Yes, that would be a great place to start. I would definitely go "Oi, hello Mr. President! How are you, Ricky?"\\
'''Kaleb:''' "Come and see me on the weekend!"\\
'''Charlie:''' "You're not gonna be Prime Minster next time!"
-->''[a crash course on London history]''\\
'''Charlie:''' Trafalgar Square.\\
'''Kaleb:''' [[Recap/ClarksonsFarmS1E7Fluffing Oh I drove through here!]] I didn't put my indicator on in this junction here!\\
'''Charlie:''' Really?\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yeah!\\
'''Charlie:''' There's [[UsefulNotes/HoratioNelson Nelson]], look.\\
'''Kaleb:''' [[BookDumb Who's Nelson?]]\\
'''Charlie:''' He was an Admiral.\\
'''Kaleb:''' He's up quite high up.\\
'''Charlie:''' He won a battle. Do you know what he's looking at?\\
'''Kaleb:''' What?\\
'''Charlie:''' So... you see where those flags are?\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yeah.\\
'''Charlie:''' That's Admiralty Arch. Okay?\\
'''Kaleb:''' Right...\\
'''Charlie:''' And he's looking on the top of the arch; there are loads of ships.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Right...\\
'''Charlie:''' He- he- he- he- he led the Battle of Trafalgar against the French.\\
'''Kaleb:''' All that concrete to build a man that's looking over-\\
''(Kaleb sees a souvenir)''\\
'''Kaleb:''' "I ♡ London". Fuck that!
-->''[first impressions matter]''\\
'''UsefulNotes/RishiSunak:''' How are you?\\
''(Prime Minster Sunak shakes hands with Charlie)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Kaleb got to meet the Prime Minister.\\
'''Sunak:''' Thanks for coming! Kaleb, how are you?\\
'''Kaleb:''' ''(shakes hands with Prime Minister Sunak)'' How are you?\\
'''Clarkson:''' And this was his big moment to talk about attracting youngsters into farming.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Are you okay?\\
'''Sunak:''' I'm very well, thanks.\\
'''Kaleb:''' You've got lovely hair!\\
'''Sunak:''' Err, me?\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yeah...\\
''(all laugh)''\\
'''Sunak:''' Have you heard otherwise?\\
'''Kaleb:''' No no no!\\
'''Sunak:''' Oh, it was a general comment.\\
'''Kaleb:''' I just like hair.
-->''[Kaleb on young farmers]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' When the conversation moved outside, Kaleb finally did talk about young farmers.\\
'''Kaleb:''' The thing is, in my head...\\
'''Clarkson:''' But he made a bit of a meal about getting to the point.\\
'''Kaleb:''' You know, farming's not a job; it's a way of life. That is it! There's no other option there; it's a way of life. You don't get up and go "I've gotta go to work today." I never ever wake up in the morning and go "You know what? I've really got to work, I've got an 8 to 5 job, I can't wait to finish." You know, halfway through the day, you go "Oh, I wanna go home." I never do that; I wake up and go "Right, what am I doing today?" Yesterday- the day before, sorry, I was out there milking cows in the morning, then I went out there and started mowing for silage.\\
''(For the love of God man, get on with it)''\\
'''Kaleb:''' And then I was spraying. No day is the same! Everyone should have a dream.\\
'''Sunak:''' They should.\\
'''Kaleb:''' A dream is somewhere to go and to get to; as soon as you accomplish that dream, if you do it in 2 years, 3 years, 5 years...\\
''(Please..... I have a country to run)''\\
'''Kaleb:''' ...you've done it, set another dream. And the thing I say all the time is dreams don't work unless you do... ''(Kaleb's voice fades out)''
-->''[that's gone too well]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' While Kaleb was bringing the country to a grinding halt, Lisa and I had gone up to the mushroom bunker to see if any more had fruited.\\
''(Clarkson opens the bunker)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' [[OhCrap Oh shit. Oh my God.]]\\
'''Lisa:''' Have they not grown?\\
''(Clarkson stares into the bunker in StunnedSilence)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' [[WhatHaveIDone Oh my God.]]\\
'''Lisa:''' What's wrong?\\
''(Lisa peers into the bunker)''\\
'''Lisa:''' [[CurseCutShort What the f-]]\\
''(camera pans to show that lots of mushrooms have grown)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Look at this! How many have we got?! Thousands!
-->''[salesperson Clarkson]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' There was no way we could even fit a tenth of this lot into the farm shop, so I had to abandon my plans for the day and man a hastily-erected mushroom stall.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Now, can I interest you in the new Diddly Squat range? Gray oyster mushrooms, these are not like you get at the supermarket, or... lion's mane mushrooms.\\
'''Customer:''' Um, can I please have some of both?\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yes, of course!\\
''(Clarkson weighs the mushrooms)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' And that is cost- that's 427 grams. That would be £12.81.\\
'''Customer:''' Okay.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Woo!\\
'''Customer:''' Just out of curiosity... are you selling Space Penises?
Is there an issue? Send a MessageReason:
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Changed line(s) 5283,5284 (click to see context) from:
'''Clarkson:''' Oh no. What I've done is I've harvested my own collection sack. That's- that's- that's plainly not supposed to have happened.
to:
'''Clarkson:''' Oh no. What I've done is I've harvested my own collection sack. That's- that's- that's plainly not supposed to have happened.
happened. Oh dear.\\
''(harvesting machine detaches)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Oh God, it hit me in the face. ''(pants)'' Oh...\\
''(Clarkson's harvesting machine catches onto a tree branch)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Right. I'm attached to a tree and my bag's stuck in the-\\
''(tree branch breaks and hits Clarkson)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Oh, fucking hell!\\
''(Clarkson writhes in pain)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Ow, bloody hell! Oh, for fuck's sake...
-->''(Irishness)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Lucca, have you gotten your environmental health certificate- certificate?\\
'''Lucca:''' [[{{Oireland}} Yeah yeah.]]\\
'''Clarkson:''' That sounded like...\\
'''Charlie:''' It's almost like Lisa said "Yes yes"! ''(bursts out laughing)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Do they teach you in Ireland how to say "yeah yeah" when you mean "no"?
-->''[Kaleb's airs his grievances]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' I mean, he comes- he comes over, tells '''me''', as a farmer, what to do, you, what to do, I don't go to his house and say he needs a guitar in a certain song!\\
'''Charlie:''' I'm not sure he's telling us what to do, I think he's giving us the background of his... ideas and how they want to grow stuff.\\
'''Kaleb:''' It annoys me.\\
'''Charlie:''' Is that because it's a different way of doing things?\\
'''Kaleb:''' As a farmer I don't like change. I think ''every'' farmer don't like change. I '''hate''' this field now.
-->''["tea break" discussions]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Who've we got tomorrow? Is it [[UsefulNotes/BritishFootyTeams West Brom]]?[[note]]West Bromwich Albion F.C.[[/note]] No.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Who, Chelsea?\\
'''Clarkson:''' No, Brentford.\\
'''Kaleb:''' You're gonna lose that.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Oh I know we are. I think we could be relegated. I think we're gonna meet Wrexham coming the other way.\\
'''Kaleb:''' You might as well join them, get in for the fame. Creator/RyanReynolds.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Fucking hell, we've got Chadlington now!
-->''[great progress]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Right, so what we've achieved today is... nothing.\\
''(Kaleb unfastens his straps for his suit)''\\
'''Kaleb:''' Get me out of these things!\\
'''Clarkson:''' No, wait! We've gone backwards! We've taken the big black pipe out of the trench... and then left it there.
-->''[Lisa's rant]''\\
'''Lisa:''' I mean- it's just- it's ridiculous. I can't do anything with these! He doesn't plan in advance, he gives me '''no''' warning, he just brings me these soups with his- with his [[FunetikAksent eejit]] face on them, charges a tenner and says "Sell them". And it's not fair. It's stupid! It kind of makes the shop look stupid that he's selling these for a tenner in order for him... ''(fades out)''
-->''[nice going there, Captain Obvious]''\\
''(Clarkson carrying his mushroom bags)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' I think I've overbought.\\
''(Clarkson carrying more mushroom bags)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' I've definitely overbought.\\
'''Alan:''' Jesus. You're gonna have more mushrooms than Sainsbury's, I'm tellin' you. Look!
-->''[Clarkson realizes something]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Well, that means mushrooms are [[InsistentTerminology space penises]].\\
'''Rafe:''' Yeah.\\
'''Clarkson:''' I can't- that's how I'm gonna sell them in the shop! "Jeremy's Special Space Penises"!\\
'''Rafe:''' ''(laughs)'' Won't even label them as a mushroom! Just-\\
'''Clarkson:''' Space penises!
-->''[Kaleb on the goats]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' Look at the shed space it's usin'!\\
'''Clarkson:''' What?\\
'''Kaleb:''' Look at the shed space it's usin'!
-->''[Clarkson's rationale for keeping goats]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Listen, Kaleb. Let me try and explain something to you.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Go.\\
'''Clarkson:''' The subsidies are going.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yeah, I'm aware of that.\\
'''Clarkson:''' They're going to be replaced with environmental subsidies.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yeah.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Things like using goats to create more farmland.\\
'''Kaleb:''' I've seen these subsidies, yeah, and I've ''not'' seen goats on that list.\\
'''Clarkson:''' I'll bet you any money I'll get a grant for the goats, because I'm going to be using goats to do what a machine would normally do, which will count as environmental farming.\\
''(flashback)''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' Bottom line: I needed to clear as many brambles as possible from my unfarmed land, and annoyingly, there were many areas that WesternAnimation/WallE my beloved robo-mulcher couldn't reach.\\
'''Clarkson:''' I mean that is beyond- that is the thickest brambles on the whole farm and there's no way I can get in over there.\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' So, I had the genius idea of buying goats to do the job, which Kaleb thought was a complete waste of money.
-->''[sex-splitting the weaners]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' With the goats settled, we had to sex-split the weaners, which, in English, means separating the boy piglets from their sisters, because they'd now reached... um...\\
''(pig mounting another pig)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' ...that age.\\
''(cuts to shot of Clarkson wearing shirt reading "I'M SEX SPLITTING MY WEANERS")''
-->''[Gerald is back!]''\\
''(Clarkson spots Gerald's van)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Hang on! No way! ''(laughs)'' No, he's back! Gerald's back! I cannot believe it! ''(laughs ecstatically)'' Gerald! You're back! '''YOU'RE BACK!'''\\
'''Gerald:''' Hello there! Jeremy, you alright? Lovely to see you my man! How are we?\\
''(Clarkson and Gerald hug)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Well! God, I hope as well as you are! How are you?\\
'''Gerald:''' Yeah, I'm gettin' there.
-->''[reflections]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' A lot of the time, farming is brutal and hard. But at this time of year when everything is vivid and growing and bursting with life and everyone is well, it can be the best job in the world.\\
''(montage of farming proceedings)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' On the surface then, Didlly Squat was a green and happy place as we headed into summer, but underground... an alien life form was gathering an army.
''(harvesting machine detaches)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Oh God, it hit me in the face. ''(pants)'' Oh...\\
''(Clarkson's harvesting machine catches onto a tree branch)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Right. I'm attached to a tree and my bag's stuck in the-\\
''(tree branch breaks and hits Clarkson)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Oh, fucking hell!\\
''(Clarkson writhes in pain)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Ow, bloody hell! Oh, for fuck's sake...
-->''(Irishness)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Lucca, have you gotten your environmental health certificate- certificate?\\
'''Lucca:''' [[{{Oireland}} Yeah yeah.]]\\
'''Clarkson:''' That sounded like...\\
'''Charlie:''' It's almost like Lisa said "Yes yes"! ''(bursts out laughing)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Do they teach you in Ireland how to say "yeah yeah" when you mean "no"?
-->''[Kaleb's airs his grievances]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' I mean, he comes- he comes over, tells '''me''', as a farmer, what to do, you, what to do, I don't go to his house and say he needs a guitar in a certain song!\\
'''Charlie:''' I'm not sure he's telling us what to do, I think he's giving us the background of his... ideas and how they want to grow stuff.\\
'''Kaleb:''' It annoys me.\\
'''Charlie:''' Is that because it's a different way of doing things?\\
'''Kaleb:''' As a farmer I don't like change. I think ''every'' farmer don't like change. I '''hate''' this field now.
-->''["tea break" discussions]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Who've we got tomorrow? Is it [[UsefulNotes/BritishFootyTeams West Brom]]?[[note]]West Bromwich Albion F.C.[[/note]] No.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Who, Chelsea?\\
'''Clarkson:''' No, Brentford.\\
'''Kaleb:''' You're gonna lose that.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Oh I know we are. I think we could be relegated. I think we're gonna meet Wrexham coming the other way.\\
'''Kaleb:''' You might as well join them, get in for the fame. Creator/RyanReynolds.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Fucking hell, we've got Chadlington now!
-->''[great progress]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Right, so what we've achieved today is... nothing.\\
''(Kaleb unfastens his straps for his suit)''\\
'''Kaleb:''' Get me out of these things!\\
'''Clarkson:''' No, wait! We've gone backwards! We've taken the big black pipe out of the trench... and then left it there.
-->''[Lisa's rant]''\\
'''Lisa:''' I mean- it's just- it's ridiculous. I can't do anything with these! He doesn't plan in advance, he gives me '''no''' warning, he just brings me these soups with his- with his [[FunetikAksent eejit]] face on them, charges a tenner and says "Sell them". And it's not fair. It's stupid! It kind of makes the shop look stupid that he's selling these for a tenner in order for him... ''(fades out)''
-->''[nice going there, Captain Obvious]''\\
''(Clarkson carrying his mushroom bags)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' I think I've overbought.\\
''(Clarkson carrying more mushroom bags)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' I've definitely overbought.\\
'''Alan:''' Jesus. You're gonna have more mushrooms than Sainsbury's, I'm tellin' you. Look!
-->''[Clarkson realizes something]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Well, that means mushrooms are [[InsistentTerminology space penises]].\\
'''Rafe:''' Yeah.\\
'''Clarkson:''' I can't- that's how I'm gonna sell them in the shop! "Jeremy's Special Space Penises"!\\
'''Rafe:''' ''(laughs)'' Won't even label them as a mushroom! Just-\\
'''Clarkson:''' Space penises!
-->''[Kaleb on the goats]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' Look at the shed space it's usin'!\\
'''Clarkson:''' What?\\
'''Kaleb:''' Look at the shed space it's usin'!
-->''[Clarkson's rationale for keeping goats]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Listen, Kaleb. Let me try and explain something to you.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Go.\\
'''Clarkson:''' The subsidies are going.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yeah, I'm aware of that.\\
'''Clarkson:''' They're going to be replaced with environmental subsidies.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yeah.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Things like using goats to create more farmland.\\
'''Kaleb:''' I've seen these subsidies, yeah, and I've ''not'' seen goats on that list.\\
'''Clarkson:''' I'll bet you any money I'll get a grant for the goats, because I'm going to be using goats to do what a machine would normally do, which will count as environmental farming.\\
''(flashback)''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' Bottom line: I needed to clear as many brambles as possible from my unfarmed land, and annoyingly, there were many areas that WesternAnimation/WallE my beloved robo-mulcher couldn't reach.\\
'''Clarkson:''' I mean that is beyond- that is the thickest brambles on the whole farm and there's no way I can get in over there.\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' So, I had the genius idea of buying goats to do the job, which Kaleb thought was a complete waste of money.
-->''[sex-splitting the weaners]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' With the goats settled, we had to sex-split the weaners, which, in English, means separating the boy piglets from their sisters, because they'd now reached... um...\\
''(pig mounting another pig)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' ...that age.\\
''(cuts to shot of Clarkson wearing shirt reading "I'M SEX SPLITTING MY WEANERS")''
-->''[Gerald is back!]''\\
''(Clarkson spots Gerald's van)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Hang on! No way! ''(laughs)'' No, he's back! Gerald's back! I cannot believe it! ''(laughs ecstatically)'' Gerald! You're back! '''YOU'RE BACK!'''\\
'''Gerald:''' Hello there! Jeremy, you alright? Lovely to see you my man! How are we?\\
''(Clarkson and Gerald hug)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Well! God, I hope as well as you are! How are you?\\
'''Gerald:''' Yeah, I'm gettin' there.
-->''[reflections]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' A lot of the time, farming is brutal and hard. But at this time of year when everything is vivid and growing and bursting with life and everyone is well, it can be the best job in the world.\\
''(montage of farming proceedings)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' On the surface then, Didlly Squat was a green and happy place as we headed into summer, but underground... an alien life form was gathering an army.
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Changed line(s) 5222 (click to see context) from:
to:
-->''[moving on]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' It was now early April. And after the misery of all the pig deaths, the arrival of Spring... gave everyone a much-needed lift.
-->''[mushrooms]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Mushrooms.\\
'''Charlie:''' Mushrooms?\\
'''Clarkson:''' Mushrooms.\\
'''Charlie:''' Okay... good? Erm... why? We've got quite a lot going on...\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yes, we have got quite a lot going on, but this is incredibly easy.
-->''[Clarkson's enthusiasm]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' I've been looking into this; I've done a business plan.\\
'''Charlie:''' You've done a business plan?!\\
'''Clarkson:''' We get 200 blocks- er, bags. Okay?\\
'''Charlie:''' Grow bags?\\
'''Clarkson:''' Basically, yes. And the first time they grow, in two weeks, we will have 1.2 kilograms of mushrooms.\\
'''Charlie:''' Yup.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Which we can sell for... £24 per kilogram if they're gray oysters, and in the first flush, the profit.\\
'''Charlie:''' "In the first flush"? What's a "flush"?\\
'''Clarkson:''' Two weeks.\\
'''Charlie:''' Two weeks? So first growing period?\\
'''Clarkson:''' The first growing period...\\
'''Clarkson and Charlie:''' Two weeks.\\
'''Clarkson:''' £3,620.\\
'''Charlie:''' Okay. That's impressive.\\
'''Clarkson:''' It is impressive.\\
'''Charlie:''' Yes. It's almost ''too'' impressive.
-->''[Clarkson shows Alan the pumping house]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' I think this is the old pumping house for the farm. 150 years ago?\\
'''Alan:''' Victorian pumping station, yeah? Good God...\\
'''Clarkson:''' Easy repair job for you!\\
'''Alan:''' Fuckin' hell! Not a prayer!\\
'''Clarkson:''' And the perfect mushroom-growing facility!\\
'''Alan:''' No.\\
'''Clarkson:''' What do you mean "no"?!\\
'''Alan:''' It's dangerous!\\
'''Clarkson:''' What's dangerous?!\\
'''Alan:''' Fuckin' lot will fall down on somebody!\\
'''Clarkson:''' It won't!\\
'''Alan:''' Go and jump on it! That old barreled arch, look, they've put soil on the top; anybody puts any weight on there, that'll just collapse. Yeah, we can't do that.
-->''[Alan's sound rejection]''\\
'''Alan:''' No, but it's gonna fall over very shortly. It's gonna be in this stream.\\
'''Clarkson:''' But it's- look at all those arches in cathedrals from the 12th century!\\
'''Alan:''' And there's all this shit everywhere in our way. Don't get me wrong: I can do it.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yeah.\\
'''Alan:''' It's just gonna cost an absolute fortune.\\
'''Clarkson:''' I've never heard so many negative waves.\\
'''Alan:''' Fuckin' hell, we'll be growing mushrooms the rest of our lives and ''still'' make no money.
-->''[Alan's BadassBoast]''\\
'''Alan:''' Listen. By the time I've started work, you'll be able to advertise them down the shop. That's how quick I'll be. ''(laughs)''
-->''[Kaleb tries Lucca's nettle soup]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' Mate, you can cook!
-->''[Clarkson demonstrates his nettle harvesting device]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' It's basically like a hedge clipper, yeah? ''(demonstrates device)'' This is a fan that blows the leaves into the bag, and then, [[Film/{{Alien}} if an alien comes]], I can do a Creator/SigourneyWeaver on it!
-->''[that's not gone well]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Oh no. What I've done is I've harvested my own collection sack. That's- that's- that's plainly not supposed to have happened.
'''Clarkson:''' It was now early April. And after the misery of all the pig deaths, the arrival of Spring... gave everyone a much-needed lift.
-->''[mushrooms]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Mushrooms.\\
'''Charlie:''' Mushrooms?\\
'''Clarkson:''' Mushrooms.\\
'''Charlie:''' Okay... good? Erm... why? We've got quite a lot going on...\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yes, we have got quite a lot going on, but this is incredibly easy.
-->''[Clarkson's enthusiasm]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' I've been looking into this; I've done a business plan.\\
'''Charlie:''' You've done a business plan?!\\
'''Clarkson:''' We get 200 blocks- er, bags. Okay?\\
'''Charlie:''' Grow bags?\\
'''Clarkson:''' Basically, yes. And the first time they grow, in two weeks, we will have 1.2 kilograms of mushrooms.\\
'''Charlie:''' Yup.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Which we can sell for... £24 per kilogram if they're gray oysters, and in the first flush, the profit.\\
'''Charlie:''' "In the first flush"? What's a "flush"?\\
'''Clarkson:''' Two weeks.\\
'''Charlie:''' Two weeks? So first growing period?\\
'''Clarkson:''' The first growing period...\\
'''Clarkson and Charlie:''' Two weeks.\\
'''Clarkson:''' £3,620.\\
'''Charlie:''' Okay. That's impressive.\\
'''Clarkson:''' It is impressive.\\
'''Charlie:''' Yes. It's almost ''too'' impressive.
-->''[Clarkson shows Alan the pumping house]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' I think this is the old pumping house for the farm. 150 years ago?\\
'''Alan:''' Victorian pumping station, yeah? Good God...\\
'''Clarkson:''' Easy repair job for you!\\
'''Alan:''' Fuckin' hell! Not a prayer!\\
'''Clarkson:''' And the perfect mushroom-growing facility!\\
'''Alan:''' No.\\
'''Clarkson:''' What do you mean "no"?!\\
'''Alan:''' It's dangerous!\\
'''Clarkson:''' What's dangerous?!\\
'''Alan:''' Fuckin' lot will fall down on somebody!\\
'''Clarkson:''' It won't!\\
'''Alan:''' Go and jump on it! That old barreled arch, look, they've put soil on the top; anybody puts any weight on there, that'll just collapse. Yeah, we can't do that.
-->''[Alan's sound rejection]''\\
'''Alan:''' No, but it's gonna fall over very shortly. It's gonna be in this stream.\\
'''Clarkson:''' But it's- look at all those arches in cathedrals from the 12th century!\\
'''Alan:''' And there's all this shit everywhere in our way. Don't get me wrong: I can do it.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yeah.\\
'''Alan:''' It's just gonna cost an absolute fortune.\\
'''Clarkson:''' I've never heard so many negative waves.\\
'''Alan:''' Fuckin' hell, we'll be growing mushrooms the rest of our lives and ''still'' make no money.
-->''[Alan's BadassBoast]''\\
'''Alan:''' Listen. By the time I've started work, you'll be able to advertise them down the shop. That's how quick I'll be. ''(laughs)''
-->''[Kaleb tries Lucca's nettle soup]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' Mate, you can cook!
-->''[Clarkson demonstrates his nettle harvesting device]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' It's basically like a hedge clipper, yeah? ''(demonstrates device)'' This is a fan that blows the leaves into the bag, and then, [[Film/{{Alien}} if an alien comes]], I can do a Creator/SigourneyWeaver on it!
-->''[that's not gone well]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Oh no. What I've done is I've harvested my own collection sack. That's- that's- that's plainly not supposed to have happened.
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Changed line(s) 4718 (click to see context) from:
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' Speed though was not its party trick. No, what Wally the radio-controlled robo-mulcher does best... is clear away absolutely '''everything''' in its path.\\
to:
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' Speed though was not its party trick. No, what Wally WesternAnimation/WallE the radio-controlled robo-mulcher does best... is clear away absolutely '''everything''' in its path.\\
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[[folder:Healing]]
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Mushrooming]]
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Parking]]
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Calculating]]
[[/folder]]
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Mushrooming]]
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Parking]]
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Calculating]]
[[/folder]]
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Changed line(s) 4316,4317 (click to see context) from:
'''Charlie:''' I wouldn't ask too many questions about Pepper. Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to.\\
''[[[{{Beat}} beat]]]''\\
''[[[{{Beat}} beat]]]''\\
to:
'''Charlie:''' I wouldn't ask too many questions about Pepper. [[YouDoNotWantToKnow Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to.\\
''[[[{{Beat}} beat]]]''\\]]\\
''([[{{Beat}} beat]])''\\
''[[[{{Beat}} beat]]]''\\
''([[{{Beat}} beat]])''\\
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Changed line(s) 4293 (click to see context) from:
-->''[on seeing the amount of Echium he produced]''\\
to:
Changed line(s) 4307 (click to see context) from:
-->''[Alan's grievances at the enforcement notice]''\\
to:
-->''[Alan's grievances at the enforcement said notice]''\\
Changed line(s) 4383 (click to see context) from:
-->''[the picking machine destroys walls]''\\
to:
-->''[the picking machine destroys walls]''\\wall destroyer]''\\
Changed line(s) 4495,4497 (click to see context) from:
'''Kaleb:''' So Jeremy and Charlie said it was too late to plant oilseed rape; I took the decision as farm manager now to plant it myself, and unfortunately it's failed. ''(sighs)'' Fuckin' annoying!
-->''[a mysterious person arrives]''\\
-->''[a mysterious person arrives]''\\
to:
'''Kaleb:''' So Jeremy and Charlie said it was too late to plant oilseed rape; I took the decision as farm manager now to plant it myself, and [[BerserkButton unfortunately it's failed.failed]]. ''(sighs)'' Fuckin' annoying!
-->''[a mysteriousperson arrives]''\\individual]''\\
-->''[a mysterious
Changed line(s) 4595,4596 (click to see context) from:
'''Clarkson:''' The only solution was to distract the older sow with something better than sex.
to:
'''Clarkson:''' The only solution was to distract the older sow with [[BetterThanSex something better than sex.
sex]].
Changed line(s) 4684 (click to see context) from:
-->''[the film crew makes a remark]''\\
to:
Changed line(s) 4689 (click to see context) from:
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' Sadly, this happy moment was short-lived, because the next day Little Runt Piggy went missing. And if you don't want to know what happened, put your fingers in your ears... '''now'''.\\
to:
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' Sadly, this happy moment was short-lived, because the next day Little Runt Piggy went missing. And if you don't want to know what happened, [[YouDoNotWantToKnow put your fingers in your ears... '''now'''.ears]]... '''[[IWarnedYou now]]'''.\\
Changed line(s) 4815,4816 (click to see context) from:
'''Clarkson:''' As usual, I was sad as I drove away, but this time at least I behaved more like a farmer... and not had any "unmanly moments". However, that was all about to change because an avalanche of heartache was heading my way.
to:
'''Clarkson:''' As usual, I was sad as I drove away, but this time at least I behaved more like a farmer... and not had any "unmanly moments"."[[InelegantBlubbering unmanly moments]]". However, that was all about to change because an avalanche of heartache was heading my way.
Changed line(s) 4825 (click to see context) from:
'''Lisa:''' You- ''(stammers)'' -talk to me?\\
to:
'''Lisa:''' You- ''(stammers)'' -talk to me?\\me?!\\
Changed line(s) 4889,4890 (click to see context) from:
'''Clarkson:''' It's March the 10th. It shouldn't be this cold. The climate is changing. Somebody '''needs''' to- needs to mention that, because it's really bad.
to:
'''Clarkson:''' It's March the 10th. It shouldn't be this cold. [[GreenAesop The climate is changing.changing]]. Somebody '''needs''' to- needs to mention that, because it's really bad.
Changed line(s) 4895 (click to see context) from:
'''Clarkson:''' When you were in labor, if someone had come in with a [[UsefulNotes/McDonalds Maccy D]], you wouldn't have said "Oh, I'll follow that." You wouldn't!\\
to:
'''Clarkson:''' When you were in labor, [[FoodAsBribe if someone had come in with a a]] [[UsefulNotes/McDonalds Maccy D]], you wouldn't have said "Oh, I'll follow that." You wouldn't!\\
Changed line(s) 4936 (click to see context) from:
'''Clarkson:''' So we've got... Clumsy Pig, that sat on two of her piglets and killed them, Swiz Pig, that promised to deliver 10 or 12 or 16 piglets and delivered only three, and now we've got Unit Pig!\\
to:
'''Clarkson:''' So we've got... [[TheKlutz Clumsy Pig, Pig]], that sat on two of her piglets and killed them, [[ConMan Swiz Pig, Pig]], that promised to deliver 10 or 12 or 16 piglets and delivered only three, and now we've got [[TheBigGuy Unit Pig!\\Pig!]]\\
Changed line(s) 5001 (click to see context) from:
'''Annie:''' So yeah, anyway, I went in and found a seat next to Emma who does the milk, and so I thought "At least I've got an ally". And he said "would anyone from the floor like to comment?" I stood up and I said my name is Annabel Gray, I said I grew up in a farming community, I said I lived in the countryside most of my life, and now I run the catering trailer behind Diddly Squat, at which point there was sort of a ''(imitates dramatic gasping)'' around the room.\\
to:
'''Annie:''' So yeah, anyway, I went in and found a seat next to Emma who does the milk, and so I thought "At least I've got an ally". And he said "would anyone from the floor like to comment?" I stood up and I said my name is Annabel Gray, I said I grew up in a farming community, I said I lived in the countryside most of my life, and now I run the catering trailer behind Diddly Squat, at which point there was sort of a ''(imitates ''([[{{Gasp}} imitates dramatic gasping)'' gasping]])'' around the room.\\
Changed line(s) 5042 (click to see context) from:
'''Clarkson:''' '''I DO FUCKING COOK!'''\\
to:
'''Clarkson:''' '''I '''[[SuddenlyShouting I DO FUCKING COOK!'''\\COOK!]]'''\\
Changed line(s) 5068 (click to see context) from:
'''Clarkson:''' I don't know if you're up to speed on our sickly sow; she's popped a piglet out that is the size of a mouse. She's not producing any milk. I was wondering if you had any suggestions.\\
to:
'''Clarkson:''' I don't know if you're up to speed on our sickly sow; she's popped a piglet out [[AnimalsNotToScale that is the size of a mouse.mouse]]. She's not producing any milk. I was wondering if you had any suggestions.\\
Changed line(s) 5214 (click to see context) from:
'''Clarkson:''' Bye, Baroness. ({{Beat}}) Oh God...\\
to:
'''Clarkson:''' [[LastMomentTogether Bye, Baroness. Baroness.]] ({{Beat}}) Oh God...\\
Changed line(s) 5216 (click to see context) from:
'''Jenny:''' Alright darling, time's up, I'm afraid...\\
to:
'''Jenny:''' Alright darling, [[MercyKill time's up, up]], I'm afraid...\\
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Changed line(s) 818,819 (click to see context) from:
'''Clarkson:''' Situation is, there's massive panic buying going on- that's fallen over. There's massive panic buying going on of food and bog roll everywhere, huge queues at the supermarkets, so I thought I'd open the shop; I know I'm not supposed to 'cause of planning permission issues, but we've got more important things to think about right now to be brutally honest.
to:
'''Clarkson:''' Situation is, there's massive panic buying going on- that's fallen over. There's massive panic buying going on of food and bog roll everywhere, huge queues at the supermarkets, so I thought I'd open the shop; I know I'm not supposed to 'cause of planning permission issues, [[ScrewTheRulesImDoingWhatsRight but we've got more important things to think about right now to be brutally honest.
honest.]]
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Changed line(s) 5110 (click to see context) from:
-->''[Clarkson and Lisa meet the butcher]''\\
to:
-->''[Clarkson and Lisa meet the butcher]''\\Henry]''\\
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Changed line(s) 4589 (click to see context) from:
'''Lisa:''' [[OhCrap Oh shit...]] Which was which now?\\
to:
'''Lisa:''' [[OhCrap Oh shit...]] Which which was which now?\\
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Changed line(s) 4993 (click to see context) from:
'''Annie:''' It'sa big room, and then there are at the back of the room, sort of, twelve rows of eight across seats with an aisle down the middle. Then you've got the council on one side with their legal representation and then the guy presiding over the top of all of it is at the far end looking down at you.\\
to:
'''Annie:''' It'sa It's a big room, and then there are at the back of the room, sort of, twelve rows of eight across seats with an aisle down the middle. Then you've got the council on one side with their legal representation and then the guy presiding over the top of all of it is at the far end looking down at you.\\
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Changed line(s) 4732 (click to see context) from:
'''Charlie:''' You're just incompetent with a chainsaw! You cut from the bottom 'cause it was pinching\\
to:
'''Charlie:''' You're just incompetent with a chainsaw! You cut from the bottom 'cause it was pinching\\pinching!\\
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Changed line(s) 4322,4323 (click to see context) from:
'''Viktor:''' Ah well, unfortunate innit? It's like [[UsefulNotes/Ukraine Battle of Donbas]]!
to:
'''Viktor:''' Ah well, unfortunate innit? It's like [[UsefulNotes/Ukraine [[UsefulNotes/{{Ukraine}} Battle of Donbas]]!
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Changed line(s) 3078,3080 (click to see context) from:
'''Male pig farmer:''' Yeah, we did hear.\\
'''Female pig farmer:''' That's really disappointing for us. We're desperate, on our knees, to get rid of more- more pigs.\\
'''Male pig farmer:''' Our farm's overflowing with pigs at the moment.\\
'''Female pig farmer:''' That's really disappointing for us. We're desperate, on our knees, to get rid of more- more pigs.\\
'''Male pig farmer:''' Our farm's overflowing with pigs at the moment.\\
to:
Changed line(s) 3084,3086 (click to see context) from:
'''Female pig farmer:''' We can't get rid of them. And the price is horrendous and the feed costs are astronomical.\\
'''Male pig farmer:''' We're cereal farmers and we're buying in wheat at these astronomic prices to feed the pigs.\\
'''Female pig farmer:''' And making no money.\\
'''Male pig farmer:''' We're cereal farmers and we're buying in wheat at these astronomic prices to feed the pigs.\\
'''Female pig farmer:''' And making no money.\\
to:
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Changed line(s) 4299 (click to see context) from:
'''Clarkson:''' Enforcement notice. "What you are required to do within six weeks of the date on which this notice comes into effect: cease use of any part of the land for sale or provision of food or drinks to members of the public or for consumption on the land, cease use of any part of the land as a restaurant or a café." Even though we're allowed to! "Cease use of any part of the land for parking."\\
to:
'''Clarkson:''' Enforcement notice. "What you are required to do within six weeks of the date on which this notice comes into effect: cease use of any part of the land for sale or provision of food or drinks to members of the public or for consumption on the land, cease land. Cease use of any part of the land as a restaurant or a café." Even though we're allowed to! "Cease use of any part of the land for parking."\\
Changed line(s) 4301 (click to see context) from:
'''Clarkson:''' "Reinstate the land round the restaurant to a condition similar to that of the agricultural land immediately surrounding it, removing all hardcore and other surfacing materials including gravel and stone chippings." Why you can't have gravel on a farm I don't know, but anyway... "Removing all other landscaping materials including wooden sleepers, wooden plank edging and wood chippings." ''(Clarkson scoffs)''\\
to:
'''Clarkson:''' "Reinstate the land round the restaurant to a condition similar to that of the agricultural land immediately surrounding it, removing all hardcore and other surfacing materials including gravel and stone chippings." Why you can't have gravel on a farm I don't know, but anyway... "Removing all other landscaping materials including wooden sleepers, wooden plank edging and wood chippings." ''(Clarkson scoffs)''\\''(scoffs)''\\
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Added DiffLines:
''(plays an excerpt of an infamous speech made by then-Environment Secretary Liz Truss in 2014)''\\
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Changed line(s) 5213 (click to see context) from:
'''Clarkson:''' Bye, Baroness. {{{Beat}}) Oh God...\\
to:
'''Clarkson:''' Bye, Baroness. {{{Beat}}) ({{Beat}}) Oh God...\\
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Changed line(s) 5168 (click to see context) from:
'''Jenny:''' You can see on the back end, so she- her bum should be nice and rounded out with muscle and it's really sort of straight up and down so she's obviously lost a huge amount of muscle there and support, and the problem is especially on this terrain where she's up and down hills and it's all a bit lumpy bumpy, I'm just- I'm really worried that she's going to get to the point that she's just going to go off those legs and collapse. It could be something cancerous; the other thing you could be dealing with is if you've got some damage to the liver, neither of which are...\\
to:
'''Jenny:''' You can see on the back end, so she- her bum should be nice and rounded out with muscle and it's really sort of straight up and down so she's obviously lost a huge amount of muscle there and support, and the problem is especially on this terrain where she's up and down hills and it's all a bit lumpy bumpy, bumpy. I'm just- I'm really worried that she's going to get to the point that she's just going to go off those legs and collapse. It could be something cancerous; the other thing you could be dealing with is if you've got some damage to the liver, neither of which are...\\
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Changed line(s) 5186 (click to see context) from:
''(Clarkson scoots over to Lisa)''
to:
''(Clarkson scoots over to Lisa)''Lisa)''\\
