Clarkson's Farm is a British TV Documentary about automotive journalist Jeremy Clarkson's escapades at farming. This page concerns the cast of the show.
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Main cast
Jeremy Clarkson
A motoring journalist and television presenter known for his appearances on Top Gear and The Grand Tour. Clarkson is the owner of the Diddly Squat Farm, having purchased it in 2008. These fields were farmed on a contractual basis by a man named Howard, who retired in 2019; as a result, Clarkson decided to farm the fields himself.
- Awesome, but Impractical: Clarkson's Lamborghini R8.270 DCR tractor is this in all facets of the term.
- Berserk Button: Calling his tractor "too big".
- Catchphrase: "I've done a thing!"
- Cool Car: Thanks to "his other job", Clarkson and Kaleb drive to the British Farming Awards in style: in a Lamborghini Huracán STO. It is so cool that Kaleb wants one after riding in it.
- Didn't Think This Through: Clarkson tends to think of grandiose ideas to try and speed up work on the farm or something similar to help his revenue. This usually ends up with him admitting his failure to foresee the problem or annoying his co-workers to no end.
- Hair-Trigger Temper: A lot of the happenings on the farm set him off.
- Hoist by His Own Petard: Many a times his tractor, being too big, hinders his work at the farm and potentially messes up others as well.
- Naïve Newcomer: Much of the show's comedy revolves around how woefully inexperienced he is at farming. He approaches the job like he would a typical challenge on Top Gear and The Grand Tour, emphasizing television-friendly flashiness above all else, and ends up stuck with ill-fitting equipment and self-sabotaging techniques, repeatedly irritating the younger, but far more experienced Kaleb. As the show progresses, he gradually gets a better hang on the ins-and-outs of farming, but still gets blindsided by new equipment and techniques at least Once an Episode.
- No Indoor Voice: Similar to the other programs he appears in, you can hear him from a mile away.
- The Scream: When he discovers that the dam he built is broken, Clarkson lets out a yell of frustration.
- Sir Swears-a-Lot: Clarkson tends to drop the odd f-bomb here and there... and sometimes worse.Clarkson: Somebody has left me this bottle top... because they are cunts.note
- Talks Like a Simile: Clarkson tends to compare the aspects of what he's doing at the farm to something remotely unrelated to farming.
- Trigger-Happy: Tends to suggest shooting of objects to solve his problems, such as shooting water voles and badgers;note on the advice of Charlie he never usually goes through with these plans.
- Verbal Tic: He frequently uses the wrong form of "a" or "an" for emphasis.Clarkson: Well, now you see, I'm way ahead of you again. I have bought an vacuum slurry tanker.
Kaleb Cooper
A young farmer employed by Clarkson as a farm hand. Born and bred in Chipping Norton, Kaleb was employed by Clarkson as he had experience working at his farm before Clarkson took over as owner.
- Absurd Phobia: Kaleb is afraid of balloons.
- Berserk Button: Anything pertaining to Clarkson's sheep or Clarkson not doing as Kaleb has told him is sure to set him off.Kaleb: That's what I'm saying. Fuck the sheep.
- Book Dumb: For all his practical farming skills and insightfulness, it's obvious he hasn't read that many books, from not only not knowing who Moses is, but confusing Gandhi and Genghis Khan.
- Cool Car: Kaleb buys his dream car with the money he's earned: a Nissan 350Z.
- Country Mouse: Kaleb has very rarely left Chadlington, with the furthest place he regularly travels to being Banbury (about 13 miles away). He has only visited London once on a school art trip but "hated it so much" he refused to get off the bus. Naturally, Clarkson decides to exploit this and send him to London in an attempt to sell wasabi, which provides him discomfort. He leaves with a parking violation.
- Genius Ditz: Kaleb knows virtually everything about farming. Anything else, on the other hand...Kaleb: I don't read books.
- In-Series Nickname: Clarkson tends to call him a "fetus".
- Jack of All Trades: As a farming contractor, he does not specialize. Not as good as masonry and fence-building as Gerald, not as good at construction as Alan, not as good at animal husbandry or medicine as Dilwyn, and not as good at practical planning like Charlie, but competent enough at all of them that he can do a great job wherever and whenever Jeremy needs him. He's also the best at tractoring and drilling/planting that we've seen so far, a few mistakes aside.
- No Hero to His Valet:
- Kaleb really doesn't give much of a toss that Clarkson is A) a celebrity and B) his employer, and will not hesitate to rib him, snark at him or outright scold him with profanity included.
- Taken more literally in Series Two when they attend the farming awards in Jeremy's Lamborghini, when Caleb not only bullies Jeremy into dropping him off at the red carpet, but also treats Jeremy like his chauffeur.
- Primal Fear: Kaleb has a fear of heights.
- Sir Swears-a-Lot: Easily swears the most out of the main cast, swearing at least once per episode.Kaleb: Fucking idiot. If you didn't get the fucking thing stuck, I wouldn't have come down here to get you unstuck. Now I think I'm going to fucking fall over... fucking hell...
- Young Entrepreneur: Kaleb often thinks of ways to make money given the situation of the farm, such as offering a towing service with his tractor for visitors who get stuck leaving the farm shop. In addition to this, Kaleb owns his own farming service on the side, which he runs with his brother Kieron.
Charlie Ireland
A professional agronomist and land agent who advises Clarkson on various aspects on the farm. Charlie acts as Clarkson's closest confidant on the farm, alongside Kaleb.
- Boring, but Practical: Most of the advice Charlie gives to Clarkson comes across as this, such as buying farming equipment from an auction rather than buying it from new.
- Bothering by the Book: A stickler for rules, Charlie constantly reminds Clarkson about rules he may potentially have flouted whenever he does something, and probably for good reason.
- Consummate Professional: Charlie is this. Even when he's not on the job he talks about being on the job, such as talking about the durum wheat used to make the pasta while entertaining guests at Clarkson's restaurant.
- In-Series Nickname: Jeremy tends to call him "Cheerful Charlie".
- Nice Guy: Charlie is easily the nicest of all the males in the series.
- Verbal Tic: Charlie tends to say "you know" a lot.
Lisa Hogan
Clarkson's girlfriend who operates the farm shop on his behalf. She occasionally helps him out with farming.
- Deadpan Snarker: Lisa is much more attractive than he is and reminds him of all his foibles.Lisa: (chuckling) Jeremy Clarkson, he can't even drive in a straight line.
- Oireland: Lisa is Irish.
- Sir Swears-a-Lot: Rare female version. Lisa probably swears as much as Jeremy does.Lisa: What the fuck are you doing up here?
Secondary cast
Gerald Cooper
Diddly Squat Farm's "head of security" with a notably thick West Country accent. Specializes in the construction and maintnenance of dry stone walls, of which there are 40 miles around his farm, as well as aiding Clarkson with installing security systems around the farm.
- Affectionate Nickname: Clarkson tends to call Gerald "G-Dog" in Season 2.
- Bunny-Ears Lawyer: Gerald has a tendency to launch into non-sequiturs and veering off topic even when his speech is intelligible, but Clarkson and the others respect him greatly due to his vast experience and masonry work.
- Hidden Depths: Gerald is a bit of a "local legend" in the Chadlington Football Club, having played with them in the past.
- Same Surname Means Related: Inverted. Gerald is confirmed to have no relation to Kaleb despite both sharing a surname.
- The Unintelligible: Due to Gerald's accent, just about half of whatever he says is nigh impossible to decipher. Even the subtitlers are stumped. Taken to eleven when walkie-talkies are involved.
Kevin Harrison
Chairman of the National Sheep Association and veteran sheep farmer who advises Clarkson on the purchase and tending to his flock of sheep.
- Boring, but Practical: Most of his advice falls into this category, similar to Charlie.Kevin: You ever thought about getting a bloody shepherd or something that will do it for you? Better than you ringing me up all the time!
- Put on a Bus: Does not appear in Season 2, owing to Clarkson's selling of his sheep.
Ellen Halliwell
A shepherdess employed by Clarkson to tend to his sheep.
- Drives Like Crazy: Crashes into a barn in Clarkson's farm while reversing and takes some of the wall off.Clarkson: There was absolutely no doubting about Ellen's shepherding skills; I just wish I could say the same... about her driving.
- Put on a Bus: Does not appear in Season 2, owing to Clarkson's selling of his sheep.
- Simple, yet Awesome: Clarkson is in awe at Ellen's controlling of his sheep with just a few whistle commands.Clarkson: Look at how she's doing that, just whistling.
Alan Townsend
The head builder of many of the projects involved in the farm, such as the farm shop and restaurant. Clarkson has known him for some 25 years.
- Ascended Extra: Gets a significantly expanded role in Season 2. Now aiding Clarkson in his attempts to build a restaurant despite significant hurdles, Alan also advises him on a loophole he could exploit to have his restaurant.
- Green Aesop: Gives Clarkson a lecture on the consequences of global warming, much to the latter's consternation.Clarkson: It's just never gonna stop raining, isn't it?
Alan: Stop raining?! It hasn't stopped for eight weeks! Let me tell you summa'; this is global warming. You racing about all your life in vehicles!
Clarkson: I'm sorry, what car is that over there? (points to Alan's van)
Alan: No, mine is electric, that van! Thirty years of you boutin' about in them, and other people, ruined our fuckin' world for next generation!
Clarkson: Just unbelievable horse shit! - Impossible Task Instantly Accomplished: Alan and his team somehow manage to convert a derelict barn into a fully-functioning restaurant with an electricity and water supply within two days.
- Sir Swears-a-Lot: Alan probably swears as much as Clarkson does, if not more.
Dilwyn Evans
A veterinarian who Clarkson employs to tend to his animals.
- Ascended Extra: Given a significantly more prominent role in Season 2 with Clarkson's purchase of his cows.
- Boring, but Practical: Most of his advice falls into this category, similar to Charlie. Clarkson often comes to him for advice regarding getting Pepper, his favorite heifer, impregnated.
- Put on a Bus: Appears very briefly in Season 1, only to apply antibiotics to some sheep which Clarkson had discovered are lame.
- The Bus Came Back: Returns in Season 2, but with a significantly expanded role.
Minor cast
Patrick Edwards
The owner of a dealership where Clarkson goes to view tractors.Georgia Craig
A policy advisor from the national farmer's union. She is initially called in to teach Clarkson how to drive his tractor; she appears sporadically throughout the series afterwards.- Bothering by the Book: Georgia is a sticker to the rules for operating a tractor, so much so that it annoys Clarkson due to his lack of patience.
- Put on a Bus: Appears in the first episode to guide Clarkson on using a tractor, only to never be heard from again.
- The Bus Came Back: Until Season 2, when she returns to introduce Clarkson to a project regarding badgers; she later appears as a guest at Clarkson's restaurant.
Kieron Cooper
Kaleb's brother who helps him run his farming business. He occasionally helps out at Clarkson's farm with minor tasks.- The Quiet One: Does not speak throughout the series.
Viktor Zaichenko
A Ukrainian beekeeper who sells Clarkson a flock of bees and manages the apiaries on his farm.Tim Small
A trout farmer who sells Clarkson 250 brown trout for his wilding project.Bob Blanden
A veteran livestock contractor who administers a sheep scanning test to Clarkson's sheep.Simon Strong
A neighboring farmer who assists Clarkson in harvesting crops. One of Kaleb's friends, he lends his combine harvester to Clarkson when harvesting time nears.- Affectionate Nickname: Clarkson tends to call him "Jesus".
- Quintessential British Gentleman: Kaleb recounts an anecdote where Simon requested for cutlery in a McDonald's.
Paul Matthews
Owner of the local mill which Clarkson sells his wheat to.Tim and Katy Coles
Local cow breeders who sell Clarkson bulls and heifers.Paddy and Steph Bourn
Local egg farmers who sell Clarkson chickens, roosters and their custom-made henhouses.- Affectionate Nickname: Clarkson tends to call them "Mr and Mrs CackleBean" respectively after their establishment.
Joanna and Tomasz
Two chefs at the Chipping Norton Rugby Club who aid Clarkson in the preparation of his chili chutney.- Incurable Cough of Death: Zigzagged. The chili chutney they prepared does give both of them serious coughing fits, but neither of them really seem to be affected by it in any way.
- Nice Girl: Joanna.
Lee Gilbert
Owner of the company who builds Clarkson's cow barn.Emma Ledbury
Local dairy farmer who stocks the Diddly Squat Farm Shop with dairy products. She laments to Clarkson about the loss of half of her herd of cattle to bovine tuberculosis.Rick Keene
Owner of a local brewery who Clarkson sells his barley to. He creates Hawkstone Lager with his barley.Henry Lawrence
A local butcher who discusses with Clarkson the amount of meat he could get from one of his cows.Hamish Dewar
A local art restorer who objects to Clarkson's many endeavors.- Arch-Enemy: Clarkson names him his "nemesis".
- Determinator: He always will find a way to thwart Clarkson's numerous endeavors; he starts by creating a crowdfunding petition to "stop Diddly Squat" which turns out to be rather popular, and continues by hiring a London planning barrister to speak against Clarkson at the meeting for his restaurant proposal.
- The Quiet One: Despite being seen a few times throughout the series, he does not speak in any of his appearances.
- White Hair, Black Heart: Clarkson sees him that way as he tends to find ways to thwart his every endeavors.
Jeff Haine
The councilor overseeing the meeting to accept Clarkson's proposal for conversion of his lambing barn into a restaurant.- The Leader: He oversees the meeting to accept Clarkson's proposal for a restaurant.
Charles Streeten
A London planning barrister hired to argue a case against Clarkson's restaurant proposal.- Caustic Critic: Barrister Streeten delivers a scathing attack on Clarkson's restaurant proposal when prompted.
Robin Dale
Chairman of the National Hedgelaying Foundation who visits Clarkson's farm to request for permission to hold a hedgelaying competition there.Pip Lacey
Celebrity chef who leads the kitchen at the restaurant on Clarkson's farm.- Supreme Chef: She is a celebrity chef, after all.Clarkson: More importantly, it was clear that Pip could work wonders with a cow.
