A prolific creator of Fan Fiction, mainly but not exclusively set in an Expanded Universe which seeks to add more detail to Sir Terry Pratchett's Discworld. Other universes and creations which have received the Pessimal treatment include Good Omens, Dad's Army, Father Ted, Scandinavia and the World, Frasier, Daria, The Big Bang Theory and Viz.
The creator is believed to be functionally illiterate in several world languages, including English, and in his early fifties lives in current semi-retirement somewhere in the North of England. He has been a university student (twice) with dispiriting and indifferent results. He has served in the British Army - he notes in a way that combined the better qualities of George MacDonald Fraser's McAuslan, Terry Pratchett's Corporal Nobbs, and other outstanding uniformed icons. This may have included guided tours of Stroke Country and the beauty spots of Northern Ireland, experiences that informed his later writings. As this is mandatory for authors looking for something interesting to put on the About The Author page, he has also, in no particular order or importance, been a professional cook/chef, kitchen porter, dishwasher, storeman, bank employee, dustbinman, carpetlayer, roofer/tiler, salesman, manager of old peoples' home, barman, funeral director's general factotum, and male stripper. note .
He took to fanfic like a swamp dragon takes to shoe polish, and cannot be stopped, despite attempts by a despairing wife to drag him from the keyboard. He is also the sort of unreformable geek who still builds Airfix models for pleasure and recreation, and his strawberry plantation in the back garden has had an exceptionally good summer. Despite cats.
The author has recently spent time in a typical British hospital, albeit one which has been at the centre of several major investigations concerning the possibility that patients were being murdered by staff. He now believes no actual murders ever happened and the deaths were the result of good old fashioned British management practices combined with administrative screw-ups. He got out alive, anyway, and may incorporate his experiences into future stories.
Fictions written by this author include
- Nature Studies
- The Black Sheep
- The Many Worlds Interpretation
- Slipping Between Worlds
- The New Guild
- Whyand Were
The works of Pessimal may be found on FanFic Net.
Tropes exploited and done to death by this author include:
- Accent Interest: South Africa appears in its Discworld alternate of "Rimwards Howondaland". Sam Vimes accepts that a people living so close to the Rimfall at the edge of the world are going to be a little bit strange, and notes they succeeded in winning a bitter and protracted War of Independence against Ankh-Morpork, so they're entitled to be a bit bloody-minded. Even so, he is fascinated by the way they talk. Vowel shifts occur a lot in their language and he wonders why they seem so keen to eliminate the perfectly inoffensive vowel "a" from their spoken Morporkian. As well as the guttural "g's" and "k's" that make their native language - and spoken Morporkian - sound like the product of a bad throat. Not to mention rhoticity. Elsewhere, wizard Ponder Stibbons is fascinated by his Rimwards Howondalandian girlfriend's spoken Morporkian, which makes her sound as if she's chewing bricks and spitting gravel. He does note that she's also very attractive. And interested in him.
- Action Mom: Hyperemesis Gravidarum explores the implications of professional Assassins getting pregnant. As the Guild hasn't officially been recruiting women for all that long, this is the first time this has happened, and everybody involved needs to learn fast.
- All Dogs Are Purebred: It is assumed that dog breeds evolved on the Disc in much the same circumstances and to meet much the same needs there as on Earth. Therefore they will look pretty similar on both worlds. The Rhodesian Ridgebacks owned by Johanna are typical of the breed - but faulty research got the colours wrong, so that they'd be disbarred from Crufts or the AKC as not quite pure-breed.
- All There in the Manual: Mainly. The author prides himself on sticking as closely to canon as possible and incorporates a lot of stuff from the wider Discworld franchise which is not ot be found in the novels but which is regarded as canonical. This includes information from the yearbooks, the city map and guidebook, the Discworld Atlas, and other Pratchett writings outside the canonical novels. Readers are usually informed about completely new OC's (surprisingly few) and many of the characters he has expanded are ctually there in canon, albeit as placeholders, one-line cameos and names/job descriptions. Leaps of imagination such as Discworld's "South Africa" and "North America" are presented with an advisory that these are - perhaps - South Africa and Quebec as Pratchett may have eventually envisaged them.
- Attention Deficit Creator Disorder: At least five stalled tales, which he faithfully promises he will get round to. One day.
- Author Avatar: Lieut. Philip Holtack in Slipping Between Worlds
- Badass Family: Johanna Smith-Rhodes began as a standalone character, an attitudinal and pugnacious "South African", or nearest thing to, who has to find her feet in a perilous new place very quickly. As the stories progress, other family members are introduced. Her cousin Julian Smith-Rhodes is well-educated, urbane and witty, from the upmarket end of the family. And a veteran of, at the last count, three desperate firefights. Her younger sister Mariella is a student at the Assassins' School, who thought she would be a good investment. After she nearly kills an adult man trying to kill her, the Guild was not wrong. Johanna's parents are introduced in Hyperemesis Gravidarum. They are a marriage of Mama Bear (or perhaps Mama Rattel) and Papa Wolf. At the current point in the timeline Johanna has a newborn daughter. The Guild is watching with interest. A niece, also almost called Johanna Smith-Rhodesnote , has been offered an Assassin scholarship. Unseen. The name is enough. And behind everything is Uncle Charles Smith-Rhodes, the undisputed and respected head of the Family.
- Bilingual Bonus: All over the place. It's asking a lot of an author with a linguistics degree not to insert his polyglot tendencies and his delights in the quirkiness of spoken language. Most recently he's been having a lot of fun with French-Canadian swearing, and the way the various languages in the Frisian continuum note sound to each other.
- Black Gal on White Guy Drama: Julian Smith-Rhodes' necessarily discreet romance with Ruth N'Kweze. This is something neither of their countries would be wholly crazy about should it become common knowledge.
- Cast Full of Gay: It only appears this way. Two Assassins, a female circus performer and a Thief are out-lesbian. And André, the undercover policeman who excitedly gets involved with musical threatre at the end of Maskerade... well, what do you expect? While André is Straight Gay, other one-off characters take the stereotypes Up to Eleven, if only to rehash Julian and Sandy jokes from Round the Horne.
- The Catch-Phrase Catches On: Pessimal wondered about Lancre witches post-Granny Weatherwax after her death (and the death of Terry Pratchett). How would she be remembered? All witches now reverently intone the blessing mayhersoulhavemercyonthegods when her name is mentioned. This convention has so far only appeared in one tale. Looking around the Internet in late 2019, this is spreading and has popped up on quite a few forums and websites when Granny (mayhersoulhavemercyonthegods) is invoked. It's popping up in some surprising places, in fact.
- Deadpan Snarker: Miss Alice Band, frequently, when calling out Assassin colleagues on rare examples of cross-fingered wishful thinking.
- Everything Sounds Sexier in French: Madame Deux-Epées.
- Expy: After several years of nagging from colleague, friend, and avowed Marvel geek Nimbus Llewelyn, on the basis that since a) the Assassins Guild canonically has a Black Widow house, b) the Watch canonically has a witch/air policewoman of aristocratic pseudo-Russian extraction called Olga Romanoff, c) and Pessimal has a well-known taste for stroppy redheads, there is a very clear opening, the inevitable happened, and the Pessimal Assassins Guild now has a Natasha Romanoff a.k.a. 'Natasha the Terrible' on its books.
- Fairy Tale: as with Terry Pratchett, the universal notion of the fairy story comes up for re-evaluation. The Baba Yaga exists as part of "Russian" witchcraft, and this is not so much a specific person as a job description. Her flying mortar and pestle eventually ends up in one of the hangars of the Ankh-Morporkian Air Watch, as yet another flying vehicle to add to the squadron strength. Meanwhile, some fables such as that of the Three Little Piggies and the Big Bad Wolf are hazy folk-memories of a long-ago war between werewolves and were-boars.
- Fantasy Counterpart Culture: Pessimal is good at this. As parts of the Discworld already have an, er, Australian and a New Zealand-like ambiance, he added a "South Africa"-like country based on several sly hints Pratchett dropped in canon. Canada, Eh? has been added, in the form of "Aceria". The country of Hergen, which exists in name only, has been made into a Discworld referent to Ireland, with all this implies mainly due to its geographical proximity to Llamedos. note .
- Father's Quest: Discworld-set fic Strandpiel, sees Wizard Ponder Stibbons, older, married, and a father of daughters, realising his oldest daughter has inherited his awareness of Magic and is becoming a Witch. When he finds her vanished from the house one night, he realises she has come to the notice of the Dungeon Dimensions, who are trying to break her will and turn her into an agent in the living world. Ponder takes a deep breath and follows, determined to get her out of there. note A few years later, he then has to do it all over again on behalf of his youngest daughter.
- Footnote Fever: Lots and lots. This follows the lead of Terry Pratchett.
- Foreign Language Title: The tale Strandpiel is 98% in English but given the subject matter ("South African" expats and family groups in Ankh-Morpork), the chapter titles are all in Afrikaans. (Except where the author was stuck for an Afrikaans equivalent for a Discworld concept note , and plundered something from Dutch that appeared to fit better).
- Fun with Acronyms: One that Word of God claimed was accidental but provided potential for later humor: naming conventions for ships in Ankh-Morpork's navy include the prefix His/her Ankh-Morkporkian Majesty's Ship.
- His Code Name Was Marty Stu: Pessimal's self-insert is good natured, easy-going, somewhat dim and slow on the uptake, cannot see the patently bleeding obvious when it's right in front of his nose, but has sporadic flashes of brilliance. Which, unsurprisingly, is exactly how the author sees himself.
- Murder, Inc.: See explanation below. Assassins fascinate him: how can people train to kill for a living, accomplish serial inhumations, and remain generally well-adjusted, all-too-human, and even personally likeable?
- Next-Gen Fic: The author is moving on somewhat from the "original" cast, partly because their timelines were starting to get clogged up with too much adventure and too little mundanity. There really weren't too much spaces left in their diaries. By the time of tales like Gap Year Adventures and Strandpiel, the focus has moved on from the original core cast of four Lady Assassins, first to a younger sister, and then to the next generation. Strandpiel deals with the oldest daughter of Johanna Smith-Rhodes and Ponder Stibbons, who realises first that she isn't really cut out to be an Assassin. As she lacks a willy, she can't go to Unseen University and follow her father. So what else can a girl inconveniently burdened with magical talent do, apart from train to become a Witch... thus, a Witch with a well-concealed streak of Assassin (she discovers she's also her mother's daughter, and it's there when she really needs it) and a Wizard-level intellect grows to adulthood. Meanwhile the middle sister of three is absolutely un-magical but is a natural for an Assassin education.
- Original Flavour: He strives for accuracy of tone, character and setting in his fics.
- Professional Killer: A large corpus of work is set in the Assassins' Guild School on the Discworld
- Prone to Sunburn: In one fic, Johanna Smith-Rhodes advises her daughters:We're redheads. In strong sunlight, we end up the same colour that everybody else starts out as. Eventually.
- Recursive Fanfiction: Only one so far: Fanfic author Nimbus Llewelyn took the characters of Madame Deux-Epées and Johanna Smith-Rhodes and incorporated them into one of his tales. It's quite good: A Guide to the Bachelorettes of the Discworld. The author would welcome more tributes of this sort.
- Real-Person Fic: A Good Omens fic, in which the angel and the demon seek to spread the word through rock and pop music, had to be taken down from FFN as it contravened the "no real people" rule. Not being able to work out how to do it without referring to real people, the story All The Best Tunes? was migrated to A03, who aren't so picky.
- Reference Overdosed: As with Pratchett, there are lots of footnotes and Shout Outs.
- Rewrite: Pessimal expanded a couple of Assassin characters who only existed in canon - apparently - as bit-part players and cameos who were no more than a one-line name and job description. The character expansions were done based on shrewd guesses and extrapolation. Later information not available to him at the time (the canonical Assassins' Guild Yearbook) carries sparse information that Terry Pratchett's interpretation of the characters was somewhat different. The personality of Madame Deux-Epées is broadly correct but the portrait of her is of a woman of different physical appearance to Pessimal's description, for instance. And far from being young and "South African", as intelligent extrapolation suggested, such canonical Miss Smith-Rhodes as there is turned out to be a dour middle-aged spinster in a mob-cap who teaches Domestic Science. note Word of God is that Pessimal far prefers his own interpretations and that it's too late to change, although aspects of Madame Deux-Epées' canonical back-story have been Retconned into the Pessimal Discworld.
- Rule of Cautious Editing Judgment: The author does not want to lose readers and is always prepared to engage in discussion on the themes of his work. South Africa, as it used to be is fair game for comment as this is now pretty much history. As well as darkly, bleakly, funny. Modern Israel requires more care as the Big Issues are still current - so the portrayal of "Cenotia" skips the controversial bits and focuses more on what there is to like about that country and its people, especially the bits that even Israelis find absurd about themselves and are prepared to laugh at. Cenotia, for instance, has no "West Bank" or Gaza Strip - but it does have the, err, "Golem Heights". The wisdom of avoiding the controversies was recently proven when a single stray reference to events in the Gaza Strip - in a footnote - provoked flak from Israeli and pro-Israeli readers. While the author isn't going to delete that footnote any time soon and considers it justifiable in its context, this is possibly going to be the only time his thoughts on events in that part of the world are going to be aired in a Discworld context. Occassional digs at Donald Trump have also provoked critical response - but come on. That man could have been invented as a Discworld character...
- Russia: Clowning is A Serious Business has as a sub-theme an Up to Eleven Russia to be found in Far Überwald and parts of Zlobenia. The fault line between the two Überwalds - the "German" one and the "Russian" one - is explored using parallels to the history of interactions between Teutonic and Slavonic. The Discworld Russia is mainly Imperial Tsarist Russia with a malcontent "soviet" fringe. Tropes relating to both go up to eleven. Strandpiel expands the idea previously sketched out: that Discworld Russians were formerly a single unified nation, but the Rus people are now spread out over up to eight different nation-states that formed from the debris of a collapsing Union which still has contending Grand Dukes, but no longer has a Tsar. this tale introduces Discworld Cossacks, for instance: the Vulga Horde. Again this is building on scattered hints in canon, including information given in The Compleat Discworld Atlas.
- One of the natives of this 'Russia' is new female student assassin, Natasha 'the Terrible' Romanoff, added by Pessimal after years of persistent lobbying by colleague and avowed Marvel Comics and Discworld fan Nimbus Llewelyn, on the grounds that you can hardly have a school for Assassins with a Black Widow house without making at least one reference to the Black Widow.
- in the tale Strandpiel, the epic tale expanded to take in expat "Russians" in Ankh-Morpork and the realisation of one new mother - married to a Rimwards Howondalandian - that she is also a Strandpiel. note And that her children are going to be triply so: Ankh-Morpork, Rimwards Howondaland and the expanded Rus country of their mother. Three nationalities, three languages.
- Sisterhood Eliminates Creep: His Discworld involves the infamous Marriage Guidance Counsellors who were all-female and often teamed up on one male.
- Spexico: The in-canon reference to a strange region where people speak a language full of ¡Ole!note and run with the bulls is expanded into an Up to Eleven Spain-like country called Toleda. The Tezuman country is of course Mexico. An invented state called Paraquat blends Toleda/Spain and an Up to Eleven South America into, er, Spexico.
- Spicy Latina: The trapeze, tightrope and circus artiste Dolores de Chiliconcarna y Fajitas y Cuidado de las Llamas de Gutierrez (real name Doris O'Higginsnote ) - who despite being very shrewd and capable, becomes one of the first female members of the Fools' Guild. She is also a close friend of Miss Alice Band.
- StealthPun: Blue Öyster Cult LPs, song titles, and band personnel crop up more often than is humanely feasible. The story Hear Them Chatter on the Tide actually introduces a religious sect who venerate shellfish of a cerulean colour, for instance, as well as making liberal use of the song SubHuman. In Fresh Pair Of Eyes, the song Harvester of Eyes becomes part of the Order of Service in the Temple of the Great God Blind Io. Who is intimately associated with eyeballs. (In-Universe, the sung liturgy is attributed to the Reverend Bloom and the Reverend Roeser). It isn't just BOC lyrics. Barely-there canonical character Miss Smith-Rhodes is fleshed out as an Assassin from "Southern Africa" because in our universe, a man called Cecil Rhodes founded a country called Rhodesia; a man called Iain Smith was its last white leader before Robert Mugabe took over. The name "Smith-Rhodes" could only be associated with the general concept of "South Africa". (A land called Smith-Rhodesia is in fact a province of "Rimwards Howondaland"). And many, many, many, more.
- Siblings in Crime: the Krayfish Twins run a mob operation in Ankh-Morpork. Ronnie and Reggie are feared for their ruthless qualities and general nastiness. But they love good floristry, chocolate and well-tailored clothes and accessories; Veronica and Regina Krayfish remain very feminine and stylish crime overladies.
- Situational Sexuality: Dealt with in the tales of the Assassins' Guild School, among both boys and girls. But note SlashFic remarks below. It happens, and is treated sympathetically without dwelling on the details. Much. It's a fact of boarding school life.
- Slash Fic: Averted, even despite the prominent lesbian characters. This author has tried, but finds he can't write sex without bursting out laughing. For all the wrong reasons. There's a good reason why the bedroom door closes when it does...
- His only (pitifully bad) attempt at slashfic - NSFW - is here. This counts as Early Installment Weirdness. Those interested in this sort of thing should read it before it gets deleted and rewritten as a "mainstream fic". Look on it as an awful warning of how bad it could potentially get, the only reason he kept it up. note
- Snipe Hunt: The search for the Balgrog. The monopedos rabbit of Ephebe.
- Song Fic: A character called Alice miscalculates during a lesson in preparing a hallucinogenic incapacitant. She inadvertently goes on a mind-bending trip and encounters smoking caterpillars, talking chessmen and a dormouse in a teapot. See Discworld fic White Rabbit. A Jefferson Airplane song is intimately involved. Alice Band even finds herself merging with the essence of Grace Slick to sing it.
- The author betrays his passion for the Blue Öyster Cult with many allusions to their lyrics, mainly so obscure only another BOC fan would spot them. Although one BOC song in particular does not need a great deal of special knowledge to spot in his works or indeed those of Terry Pratchett, and it crops up quite a bit...
- The War on Straw: Averted during his The Civil Assistant fic. Although there are some rather expected forces opposed to the Vimes-Ramkins family's plan to drastically alter their responsibilities as landlords and provide healthy, sanitary housing for their tenants (the greedy aristocrats who hate the thought of lost revenue, the Guilds of Morticians and Barber-Surgeons who recoil at the loss of income from a decreased death rate), other Guilds who reject the offer do so for well-thought out and meaningful reasons. Most prominently, the Guilds of Domestic Servants and Chefs, who have traditionally relied upon the "perks" of reliable food, fresh clothing, warm beds to sleep in, etc to entice prospective members, and with an increase in general living standards can only offer "long hours of hard work for little thanks or reward".