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Quotes / Serious Business

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    Anime and Manga 

It is to protect justice from evil.
Tamaki Kawazoe on why she joined the kendo team, Bamboo Blade

It's no game, it's a sport. Games are for people who don't care enough. In sports, you compete to win.
Kazuma Ikezawa, Summer Wars

Who cares if he's richer than me? And so what if he's more powerful? I'm really good at playing card games! And that's what life is really all about, anyway!
Chazz, Yu-Gi-Oh! GX (English dub)

    Fan Fiction 

I, Emperor Pandinus Imperator The First, Ruler of the Crystal Empire And All Who Doth Dwell Within, do hereby grant you permission to go jump up and down atop the royal bed like a little madpony for the next five minutes.

Climb higher! Faster! I'll not be mocked by a rodent! I'm in jumping distance of the creature! It expects me to repeat my mistake? It DARES insult my intelligence?! I leap, shrieking a mighty war shriek! The squirrel runs out onto the edge of the branch! Excellent! I connect with the branch and with all of my strength, I yank!
The branch breaks! The squirrel is falling!
No wait, no it's not falling.
Wait, yes it is! I'm just falling with it! Luckily for me, I can land on my feet! HAHA! Your body will shatter like gl-!
The squirrel just landed on its feet. That vile rodent just survived my attack!
I land on the ground and dash off after it! He'll not escape his just desserts! With thine heart, thou dares laugh at I, the mightiest huntress! Thou shall be nothing short of CRUCIFIED for these actions against me!

Wattson: (At the end of a hurricane of electricity-based puns) You're not bad! I'm positive you'll go far! Get it? Because electricity is positive!
Douglas: (Eye narrows) You what?! The charge on electrons is -1.6x10^-19 coulombs! That makes electric current negative, not positive! AAAAAARGH! (Megaton Punches Wattson's Manectric into the wall) You can attack me, you can steal my puns, but don't you ever mis-apply fundamental scientific principles in the name of comedy.



"Look at that subtle, off-white colouring. The tasteful thickness of it. Oh my God! It even has a watermark."
Patrick Bateman, describing Paul Allen's business card, American Psycho

"Bad news, Harry. I've just been to see Professor McGonagall about the Firebolt. She -er- got a bit shirty with me. Told me I'd got my priorities wrong. Seemed to think I cared more about winning the Cup than I do about you staying alive. Just because I told her I didn't care if it threw you off, as long as you caught the Snitch first."
Wood shook his head in disbelief.
"Honestly, the way she was yelling at me... you'd think I'd said something terrible..."
Oliver Wood, Quidditch team Captain, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

continuing [sic] the detailing of my explanation: Think about this, your favorite story that go against canon and everytime another author a fanfiction author a writes a story that goes against canon storylines and canon ships as well, each time those stories are written every piece of your flesh is felt like being on fire and chest tightening because it's destroying the canon world itself.

    Live-Action TV 

Glenn: Story of my Goddamn life! I try to live right, pay my bills, big believer in paying it forward, help your fellow man. Oh, God. I just don't have any luck. I have nothing to believe in, nothing to love, nothing to care about. Our souls are but shadows of our failed selves!
Chris: Jesus, Glenn. It's just lunch.

There is nothing ironic about show choir!
Rachel, Glee

This is no mere sandwich of grilled meat and toasted bread, Robin. This is God, speaking to us through food.
Marshall on the best burger in New York City, How I Met Your Mother

Carly: Sam and Spencer have been playing a little game this week.
Sam: (holds up paintball gun) It's called Assassin, and it is not a game.

Freddie: Good, Carly's here. Let's ask her.
Sam: (while walking towards the kitchen) After I get some ham.
Freddie: (starts following Sam) Some things are more important than ham.
Sam: (stops walking, and turns to Freddie) ...Don't you ever say that to me.

Forty million, son! Do you have any idea how many patients I had to ignore to get that high score? People died!
Dr. Kelso, Scrubs

Castiel: Where's the pie?
Cashier: I think we're out.
Castiel: (grabs cashier by the shirt and pulls him close) You don't understand. I NEED. PIE.
Supernatural, "Clip Show"

''"Mrs Doyle, there is nothing stupid about football! And there is certainly nothing stupid about the All-Priests, Over-Seventy-Five, Five-Aside Indoor Football Challenge Match, against Rugged Island!"'
Dougal, Father Ted

Britta: Doesn't it seem like everyone is taking this game way too seriously?
Jeff: Seems normal enough for a school that's on 911's blocked caller list.
Community, "Geothermal Escapism", during a game of "The Floor is Hot Lava"


This ain't no party, this ain't no disco
This ain't no fooling around
No time for dancing, or lovey-dovey
I ain't got time for that now
Talking Heads, "Life During Wartime"

    Newspaper Comics 

I'm sure the glory makes it all worthwhile in the end.
Hobbes on Calvin's intense bubble gum chewing regimen, Calvin and Hobbes


    Video Games 
(Dialogue prompt shows up. If the player responds with "Anime is NOT real"...)

Flux: Well, yeah! Think I'd give up my Employee of the Month streak OR take a pension cut? NO WAY.
Crashlands note 

But for us at AMS, being able to touch-type or not is a matter of life or death.
James Taylor, The Typing of the Deadnote 


Hairstyle continuity and logic is serious business.
Dan Shive of El Goonish Shive, the rant on this page

The mail is sacred, and sacred is the trust between the Post Man and the recipients of his precious parcels. You have made a solemn pledge to deliver this letter to the doctor, just as soon as you determine where this address is, or find any sort of discernible mailing address in this wasteland, for that matter. The mail is freedom. The mail is life. The mail is civilization. The mail is the one final hope for resurrecting a dead planet from its ashes, and the letter carriers are the brave soldiers of God in this righteous crusade. They are the defenders of the light of knowledge, free communication, and the exchange of ideas. They are the bold toters of all those little papery conduits of freedom, the white postmarked angels that whisper a message on their deliverance, a promise to the yearning: "There is hope yet."
Liberty. Reason. Justice. Civility. Edification. Perfection.
Peregrine Mendicant, Homestuck

Yer welcome t' stick around fer karaoke with us, but yer gonna wanna gear up for th' inevitable fallout when all th' cyborgs start fightin' over "Mister Roboto".
Commander Badass (while donning full riot gear), Manly Guys Doing Manly Things

Lisa: Fanfic doesn't count.
Monette: I don't shit on your religious beliefs.
Something*Positive on whether or not the cast of Scooby-Doo were sexually active.

Claire: Oh, there was arguing [at Literature Camp]. Mary Bateman threw a chair at Emily Gordon for saying Charlotte Brontë was the "basic" Bronte.
Clinton: We didn't... throw chairs... either?
Claire: Literature people don't fuck around, Clinton.

    Web Original 

When I was a kid, my abuelita would drag me to Christmas Eve mass at her Catholic church and it was at one of those masses where I learned the important skill of sleeping with my eyes open. Shit was boring. What those Christmas Eve masses really needed was a yodeling priest on wheels...Diocese of San Pablo suspended Rev. Albert and released a statement where they threw holy water at his ass for being so disrespecting the church. So yeah, when it comes to child touching, the Catholic church is like, “err, nothing to see here, move along,” but when it comes to a priest singing on a death trap, they’re like, “SANTO DIOS! Condemn his ass!”
Michael K., "The hoverboarding holy chanteuse from the Philippines!"

Why do I sound so serious? Because Mario Kart violence is SERIOUS BUSINESS. That's why.

Your chances of being invited to join a play group are slim, and even if you get there, your chances of enjoying yourself are even slimmer. You see, every game, even cooperative ones like Dungeons & Dragons, becomes a poisonous competition designed to ruin friendships before they even begin. It's the scorched earth method of social interaction, which is what happens when aggressively antisocial people are forced to be around each other for an entire evening.

Pray that there's a Taco Bell in Hell! (BANG)
Souichiro Yagami, when family fights go wrong, Death Note: The Abridged Series (Team Dattebayo)

Captain, couldn't you have chosen a more... dignified... game as your primary conflict resolution method? Seeing two grown men in all-black tactical gear taking a children's card game so seriously is... off-putting.
O5-11 of the SCP Foundation, on SCP-514

— Anonymous player, "WoW is serious business"

Yami Yugi: Dude, don't you think you're overreacting a little? I mean, it's just a card game.
Kaiba: Card games are serious business!

You can't rhyme "delicious" with "ravenous!" Emphasis is on the wrong syllable! YOU FUCK!
(You don't fuck around at my poetry slams, mate.)

    Western Animation 

Bender: The rest of you might as well give up now, 'cause I'm gonna take home the— Hey. What's my grand prize gonna be?
Randy: Oh, there is no prize, Dorothy. Unless you count the satisfaction of winning.
Bender: It will be mine.
— A tap-dancing tournament on Futurama, "Stench and Stenchibility"

Pinkie Pie: And losing a friend's trust is the fastest way to lose a friend forever!
Twilight Sparkle: But—

Lisa: I'm going into the gold medallion club, with silver level membership! (laughs)
Airport Worker: The hell you are! (grabs a gun)
The Simpsons, "Catch Em If You Can"

Do you know what this is?! This is the mace that they use on bears, faggot! NOW LET ME SEE YOUR HALL PASS!
Cartman, South Park, "Miss Teacher Bangs a Boy"

Ethan "Bubblegum" Tate: Pitiful ball players of Earth! I am Ethan "Bubblegum" Tate, commander of the Harlem Globetrotters! For generations, your puny planet has lived in peace with the Globetrotter homeworld. But now, for no reason, we challenge you to defend your honor on the basketball court! Will no one meet our challenge? Have none of you pathetic earthlings game?
Fry: What happens if we lose?
Ethan "Bubblegum" Tate: NOTHING! There's nothing at stake and no threat, beyond the shame of defeat!
(A teammate passes a basketball painted like Earth to him, which he promptly dunks in a trashcan)

    Real Life 

There are some things so serious you have to laugh at them.
Neils Bohr

Some people believe football is a matter of life and death. I am very disappointed with that attitude. I can assure you it is much, much more important than that.
Bill Shankly

It is foolish and childish, on the face of it, to affiliate ourselves with anything so insignificant and patently contrived and commercially exploitative as a professional sports team, and the amused superiority and icy scorn that the non-fan directs at the sports nut (I know this look—I know it by heart) is understandable and almost unanswerable. Almost. What is left out of this calculation, it seems to me, is the business of caring—caring deeply and passionately, really caring—which is a capacity or an emotion that has almost gone out of our lives. And so it seems possible that we have come to a time when it no longer matters so much what the caring is about, how frail or foolish is the object of that concern, as long as the feeling itself can be saved. Naïveté—the infantile and ignoble joy that sends a grown man or woman to dancing and shouting with joy in the middle of the night over the haphazardous flight of a distant ball—seems a small price to pay for such a gift.
Roger Angell

It is utterly insufficient [to eat pie only twice a week], as anyone who knows the secret of our strength as a nation and the foundation of our industrial supremacy must admit. Pie is the American synonym of prosperity, and its varying contents the calendar of the changing seasons. Pie is the food of the heroic. No pie-eating people can ever be permanently vanquished.
New York Times editorial, 1902

At the moment, we import two thirds of our apples. We import nine tenths of all of our pears. We import two thirds of our cheese. [beat] That. Is. A. Disgrace.
Liz Truss, former UK Environment Secretary

Chess is not for the faint-hearted; it absorbs a person entirely. To get to the bottom of this game, he has to give himself up into slavery. Chess is difficult, it demands work, serious reflection and zealous research.
Wilhelm Steinitz, First World Champion (1886-1894)

New Years Eve 2012, I learned that there was another new game plus runner. Jisaku. My nemesis for about a year and a half. The man who used five Iron Dukes. The man who had the world record by two minutes. Needless to say, I didn't like him. He had no desire to submit his run. That's fine but at the time, I was burning with anger.
Emma Rice, speedrunner (here)

Everyone is a reactionary about subjects he understands.
Robert Conquest, historian (1917-2015)

I would like to dedicate this chapter to my 19th Century English Novelists professor, who at the start of the semester informed us he would rather read that we had slaughtered our families, rendered them into sausage meat, and ate them, than learn that we had committed plagiarism or other crimes of academic dishonesty.
Comma Splice, fanfiction author

If Mayo wins I'll throw my Switch in a lake
Splatoon 2 player Os, during the Mayonnaise vs. Ketchup Splatfest

This is what's great about sports. This is what the greatest thing about sports is: You play to win the game. Hello? You play. To win. The game. You don't play it to just play it. That's the great thing about sports: You play to win, and I don't care if you don't have any wins. You go play to win. When you start tellin' me it doesn't matter, then retire. Get out! Because it matters.
Herm Edwards


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