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(first lines) Dipper:
(narrating) Ah, summer break. A time for leisure, recreation, and takin' 'er easy... Unless you're me. My name is Dipper. The girl about to puke is my sister, Mabel. You may be wondering what we're doing in a golf cart fleeing from a creature of unimaginable horror. Rest assured, there's a perfectly logical explanation.
(narrating) Let's rewind. It all began when our parents decided we could use some fresh air. They shipped us up north to a sleepy town called Gravity Falls, Oregon, to stay at our great-uncle's place in the woods. My sister tended to look on the bright side of things, but I was having a hard time getting used to our new surroundings. And then there was our Great Uncle Stan. That guy. Our uncle had transformed his house into a tourist trap he called "The Mystery Shack." The real mystery was why anyone came. And guess who had to work there. It looked like it was gonna be the same, boring routine all summer. Until one fateful day...
I'm telling you, something weird is going on in this town. Just the other day my mosquito bites spelled out "BEWARE." Stan:
That says "BEWARB."
Dipper: (reading Journal 3)
Unfortunately, my suspicions have been confirmed. I must hide this book before he
finds it. Remember, in Gravity Falls, there is no one you can trust.
Mabel: Oh, Norman, you can tell me anything. (thinking) Please be a vampire, please be a vampire!
Legend of the Gobblewonker
A human-sized hamster ball? (gasp) I'm
What's the number one problem with most monster hunts? Soos:
You're a side character, and you die in the first five minutes of the movie. Dude, am I
a side character?! Do ya ever think about stuff like that?
Stan: Wanna hear a joke? Okay, here goes: My ex-wife still misses me... but her aim is getting better! (beat) Her aim is getting better! You see, it's funny because marriage is terrible.
You all know me, town darling Mr. Mystery. Please, ladies. Control yourselves.
I made this sculpture with my own two hands! It's covered in my blood, sweat, tears, and other fluids!
This seems like the kind of thing a responsible parent wouldn't want you doing. *beat* Good thing I'm an uncle! Avenge me, kids! AVENGE ME!
Mabel: (stepping over a prone body)
Wow, your little knees must be sore... from jumping to conclusions! Ha cha cha!
Sherlock Holmes: Have you seen my magnifying glass? It's enormous!
The Hand That Rocks The Mabel
Check it out Dipper! I successfully bezazzled my face!
"Pardon this garden"? I will pardon nothing!
Old Lady: If she says no, I'll die from sadness.
Doctor: I can verify that that will indeed happen.
The future is in the past! Onwards, Aoshima!
Homework's whack and so are rules! Tucking in your shirt's for fools!
Wendy: Well, I'm probably scarred for life.
Dipper: Yeah, that was pretty crazy.
Wendy: I think I'm gonna go stare at a wall for a while and rethink everything.
Dipper vs. Manliness
Dipper: (approaching manliness testing machine)
Time to manhandle this... man-handle.
Hmmm, I smell... (sniffs)
Dipper: You keep telling me that being a man means doing all these tasks and being aggro all the time, but I'm starting to think that stuff's malarkey!
Dipper: You heard me, malarkey. So maybe I don't have muscles, or hair in certain places, and sure, when a girly pop song comes on the radio, sometimes I leave it on! 'Cause dang it, Top 40 hits are in the top 40 for a reason, they're catchy!
My name's Mabel. Pacifica:
That sounds like a fat old lady's name. Mabel:
I'll take that as a compliment!
Wendy: (In Dipper's Imagine Spot)
Oh, Robbie! You're a stupid, arrogant fraud! But kiss me anyway because you can play guitar!
Oh, Grenda, by the way, you sound like a professional wrestler. Grenda:
I wanna put her in a headlock and make her feel pain!
Candy: Maybe we don't have as many friends as Pacifica. But we have each other. And that is pretty good, I think.
The only thing we have to fear is gigantic, man-eating spiders!
I'm legalizing everything!
Dipper: Man, revenge is underrated - that felt awesome!
The Time Traveler's Pig
Here it is, Mabel. Our ticket to any point in history. Mabel:
Let's go get two dodos and force them to make out!
Mabel: And yes, I am a witch.
Barker: Welp, time to round up a mob. (lights torch)
Dr. Karate! You killed my father again!
You know, studies show that keeping a ladder in the house is more dangerous than a loaded gun. That's why I own ten guns: in case some maniac
tries to sneak in a ladder!
The child gave me a taco!
Rumble: Never underestimate that I have punches!
Come on, no one even uses millimeters! That only makes you taller than me in Canada!
Stan: Oh, Gideon! I was looking for someone to try out my new Mirror Maze! Then again, you're an idiot. That's the end of the sentence. (walks off)
You must trick or treat... or die.
) I've been twaumatized!
Stan: You know, kids? I've been thinkin'. At the end of the day, Summerween isn't about candy or costumes. Or even scaring people. It's a day when the whole family can get together at one place and celebrate what really matters: pure evil!
(Stan leads everyone in a round of maniacal laughter, followed by a beat)
Soos: (nonchalantly) I ate a man alive tonight.
Grunkle Stan, this is demeaning. Stan:
I don't know de meaning
of that word!
Stan: Look I'm not gonna-
Mabel: DO IT!
Stan: Argh!... (singing) I'm Stan and I was wrong. I'm singing the Stan wrong song. I shouldn't have taken that chance. Now here's my remorseful dance.
Old Man McGucket:
Lately I've been tinkerin' with a voice-alterizing tonic, on account of my HORRIFYIN' VOICE!
(A small boy cries and runs away
) Old Man McGucket:
You can run, but I'll still be in your nightmares!
Sometimes I think: Is this all there is? Is life just some kind of horrific joke without a punch line? That we're all just biding our time until the sweet sweet, release of death?
Stan: See, I lied to you. In addition, I've been parking in handicapped spaces, shoplifting fireworks, and smuggling endangered animals across multiple state lines. Also, you're fat.
The Deep End
There are some who call me (strums guitar) Mermando.
This is because Mermando is my name.
Mabel: (taking pictures of Dipper giving Mermando mouth-to-mouth resuscitation)
Mermando: Thank you for saving me, but... why did you not just roll me into the lake?
Breaking stuff is so much fun! I am Dipper and I stink!
Come on, my Mom's age-inappropriate romance novels aren't gonna read themselves.
It all begins with this little fella: the pituitary gland. He may be small, but he has big plans.
Deputy Durland: A bearded witch chasing a talking pig!
Sheriff Blubs: My horoscope came true.
Hey, is this the fingerless glove store? I like things that are dumb. I'm Robbie.
I welcome you, death.
Hey, girl. I just wanna get real for a moment. And say that while we love being superstars, the real reason we do this... is for you. You specifically. Not the girl sitting next to you, but you.
Finally! A good reason to punch a teenager in the face!
Robbie: Mr. Pines!
Stan: That's MR Pines to you!
Robbie: Wait... what?
Land Before Swine
Grunkle Stan! It's not safe for Waddles outside! There's predators! And barbecuers! Grunkle Stan:
That's just the natural order! It's not my fault your pig's potentially delicious!
I know what you're thinking: Does it work for pigs? Ah ha ha, yeah it does work for pigs, stupid! Feel your pig's heartbeat next to yours! IT WORKS FOR PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGS!!!
Dinosaurs aren't magic, they're just big lizards! Get off my back.
Old Man McGucket: So there I am, fighting a raccoon for the same piece of meat, when our mouths get close, and we kiss accidentally!
Xyler: I also think it's radical!
Looks like Mabel's going to have to be the hero of the family now. I'll defeat Gideon with my grappling hook!
Dipper: (to Wendy)
What? You're leaving town? But we need you here! Soos:
Yeah, especially Dipper, because of his giant crush on you(Dipper glares at him)
... calyptus trees! Heh! The kid loves eucalyptus trees! Saved it.
Hey, is the kitchen supposed to have that much fire in it?
Stan: After all these years
Finally, I have them all.
Dipper's Guide to the Unexplained
Soos, I will pay
you to put your shirt back on.
Your gummy worm video has disturbed and insulted me. You fools are unworthy of my great knowledge. The era of human enlightenment shall never come to pass.
Mabel: And I brought Bear-O, my adorable childhood puppet! Hi-yooo! Ain't that right, honey? (making Bear-O talk) Did somebody say... honey? Hahaha!
Dipper: No! Creepy. Bear-O's creepy. Everyone hates Bear-O.
Mabel: (still using the puppet voice) But Dipper, who could hate Bear-O?
Dipper: I can think of a few people.
(Cut to flashback of Mabel performing with Bear-O in front of a group of small children)
Mabel: (singing) They're quite a pair! Mabel and Bear-O, her un-bear-lievable bear!
) I hate Bear-O, mommy! I hate it!
Island Head Beast: !ynitsed ruoy retnE !nerdlihc ,htuom ym retnE !rebmuls ym morf em nekowa evah uoY
Mabel's Guide to Life
Now you just have to walk backwards everywhere you go and bingo! You're fabulous! Old Man McGucket:
That's the way my body naturally wants to move anyways!
Nothing brightens a dark room like light from a window! Time to open the wind- OH NOO! WHY!? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING!? AAAAUGH!
Soos, on a score of one to five, you scored... a twelve?! Soos:
My gramma was right all along! I am the world's most perfect man.
Stan: (appears with a bat and a pair of brass knuckles amidst a crowd of zombies) Alright, you undead jerks... ready to die
twice? (smashes a zombie)
The only wrinkly monster that haresses my family
! (to the twins)
Attic, NOW! (the twins run to the attic)
You want a piece of this
! (smashes another zombie)
Into the Bunker
Not as creepy as Dipper's internet history!
My face is tired from doing this all day. *points at his face in a screaming pose*
I just wrestled myself
Soos: Good luck sleeping tonight, dude!
The Golf War
Imagine Spot Pacifica:
Ugh, the section for old lady clothes is over there. Mabel:
Oh, yeah? Well, the section for people who lost at mini-golf is OVER THERE!
(points to exit) Paramedic Xyler
: (rushes in)
We came as fast as we could! Paramedic Cras
: We heard a little girl got seriously burned! Xyler & Cras
: OOOOH! (high fives) Imagine Spot Pacifica
: I'm ruined!
We're Lilliputtians! Lilliputt... It makes more sense written out than spoken.
Pacifica's rich, Mabel. She's cheating at life
French ball person: Je ne sais pas, sacre bleu, au revoir!
Subtitles: I don't actually know French.
Translation:: I dont know, dang it, goodbye!
Bill: (in Dipper's body)
Pain is hilarious!
Human soda! I'm gonna drink it like a person! Pours soda can into his eyeballs.
I mean, who would sacrifice everything they've worked for just for their dumb sibling? Mabel: Dipper would.
Stan: Whoa! Children fighting! (hoists camcorder) I can sell this!
Soos and the Real Girl
When the cherry petals of magic romance academy are in bloom... anthyding can hadplen
— Romance Academy 7
Every time you compliment me, I get another highlight in my eyes!
Or maybe it's pronounced "Jiff
-any"? I was never really sure.
I have to go to the bathroom for a long time... Not in a weird way!
Melody: Never date a magician.
Little Gift Shop of Horrors
This isn't right! The pig goes oink! The pig goes oink! Waddles:
Now the pig goes wherever he can shine the light of knowledge into the darkness of ignorance.
: Movies are great! You watch the movie, you scare the girl, the girl snuggles up next to you, next thing you know you gotta raise a kid, your life falls apart... Forget that last part.
Stan: You shoulda bought something while you had the chance...
Society of the Blind Eye
Dysentery's gonna get you dawg!
Your name is Toot-toot McBumbersnazzle! You're a traveling banjo minstrel with a song in your heart and funny tattoos on your head!
Soos: (to Dipper and Mabel) Well, birthdays are supposed to be spent with the people who care about you. But you know what, that dude didnt care about me enough to visit me once, let alone fight monsters through time and space like you dudes. I mean, you had a gladiator fight, just to make me happy. Ive been being ridiculous this whole time. Whoever my dad was, he can take a hike. I know who my family is now, and its you dudes. Thanks for giving me the best birthday ever.
The Love God
Teenager: It's Heaven's punishment for our terrible taste in everything!
Northwest Mansion Mystery
Pacifica: You wanna know why this room was locked up? This is what I found in here. A painted record of every horrible thing that my family's ever done. Lying, cheating, and then there's me. I lied to you just because I'm too scared to talk back to my stupid parents! You were right about me. I am just another link in the world's worst chain.
Pacifica, I'm sorry about what I said earlier. But just because you're your parents' daughter doesn't mean you have to be like them. It's not too late.
Lumberjack Ghost: Yes! Yes, it's happening! My heart, once as hard as oak, now grows soft like more of a birch or... something.
Not What He Seems
"Did the entire world
HOT BELGIAN WAFFLES! Wait... I'm alone! I can swear for real! (deep breath) SON OF A--
Mabel: Grunkle Stan... I trust you.
A Tale Of Two Stans
"When gravity falls, and earth becomes sky, fear the beast with just one eye..."
— Fiddlefort McGucket's Prophecy
Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons
"YOU DARE CHALLENGE PROBABILI-TIZZLE?"
— Diggity Dungeons & All That
"There's no cops in the forest. We take this to our graves."
— Grunkle Stan
There better be something protective under this tunic. (Turns away to check) OH, NO THERE ISN'T!
The Last Mabelcorn
Mabel: Today I learned morality is relative.
Wendy: Guys, if you ask me, this whole thing is a serious load. Mabel's like the best person I've ever met. We tried getting that hair the good way. Now it's time we try... the Wendy way.
Grenda: Are you suggesting violence? Sabotage?
Candy: Mabel's not going to like this.
Wendy: Mabel doesn't need to know. Look, it's time we stop trying to be so "perfect" and be who we really are. We're crazed, angry, sweaty animals! We're not unicorns! We're WOMEN! AND WE TAKE WHAT WE WANT!
Dipper and Mabel vs. the Future
"Summer's almost over..."
Mabel: I just wish summer could last forever...
But it can't, Mabel. That's part of growing up. Things change. Summer ends.
Mabel: "Just a little more summer..."
Weirdmageddon, part 1
"Time is dead and meaning has no meaning! Existence is upside-down and I reign supreme! Welcome, one and all, to WEIRDMAGEDDON!
Weirdmageddon, part 2: Escape from Reality
Mabel, listen... I might not have all the answers. I'm not stylish, and I'm not cool, and I can't make pugs appear out of thin air.
But I know one thing well, and that's you. And I know that even though you might act like it, you don't want to be in this fantasy world. You're scared of growing up. And who could blame you? I'm scared too. Look, real life stinks sometimes, I'm not gonna lie. But there's a better way to get through it than denial, and that's with help from people who care about you. It's how we've gotten through our whole lives. Just look.
Montage of the twins comforting each other plays
We've always been there for each other. Mabel, I thought you were living a fantasy, but look at me! I actually thought I was gonna stay here and be Ford's apprentice! Spend my entire teens cooped up in a basement with a lab coat? How ridiculous is that? I don't know what's gonna happen in the future, but whatever it is, you don't have to fear, because we'll do it together! I'm not taking Ford's apprenticeship! We're traveled to heck
and back to get you, and we're going back together! Leave this fantasy world. Let's beat Bill and grow up together!
Mabel: You mean it? You're really coming home with me?
Mabel: Sincere sibling hug.
Weirdmageddon, part 3: Take Back The Falls
Larry King's Disembodied Wax Head:
They made the house into a robot... Fascinating
Hey, look at me. Turn around and look at me you one-eyed demon! You're a real wise guy, but you made one fatal mistake: you messed with my family.
I hate my dumb heart for making me feel things!
Wendy: (kneels next to Dipper as she holds out her fist) Hey, you mean a lot to me, man.
Dipper: (he smiles and fist-bumps her) You, too.
Wendy: (Wendy switches hats with Dipper)
Something to remember me by. (Gives Dipper a letter)
Oh, and this. Read it the next time you miss Gravity Falls.
Dipper: If youve ever taken a roadtrip through the Pacific Northwest, youve probably seen a bumper sticker for a place called Gravity Falls. Its not on any maps and most people have never heard of it. Some people think its a myth. But if youre curious, dont wait. Take a trip. Find it. Its out there, somewhere in the woods
Ford Pines: "'Trust No One.' What an absurd and paranoid idea. Trust shouldn't be given unconditionally, but it should be given a chance to be earned. There is strength in having the humility to work with and sacrifice for others - a strength I now realize was in my brother all along"