Funny / SCP Foundation: SCP Entries

His name is Mr. Fish, if you want to know.

---

Main SCP Series

Series I (SCPs 001-999)

• The SCP-001 proposal "Keter Duty" (old version, new version) involves Keter-class objects being made to contain each other. The last pair of items is none other than SCP-055 and SCP-579. The description? "Can't fit round pegs into square holes." A number of extended entries in Project Isorropia also have their own hilarity:
  • SCP-973-2 is force-fed SCP-5740-A, donuts by dado that make cops poop out pigs, the size and number of which depends on how corrupt of a cop they were. Since SCP-973-2 is a Killer Cop that does horrible things including mutilation and rape to people who speed on his roads, he shits out so many pigs that he neutralizes himself and SCP-5740's effect, the latter because "dado ran out of pig".
  • SCP-4333 is a zombie who can manifest limitless amounts of currency and uses it for manipulative, shady deeds and bribery. Who is he pitted against? SCP-2271, the impossibly huge debt payment of course.
  • SCP-001-NOTGULL, a sleeping entity that needs to be fed stories to keep it from awakening, is paired with SCP-2020, who continually spits out story ideas to people. SCP-2020 takes the entity's silence as approval for its ideas, and continues spitballing ideas for all of eternity.
  • SCP-682 is pitted against Swann's SCP-001 proposal (the site's writers). The result is, of course, the log of SCP-682 termination attempts, where the writers continuously come up with ways to try and kill the unkillable lizard.
• Plague's Proposal: "The Ones That Got Away" is the coveted "comedy" SCP-001 proposal, and it's an absolute sidesplitter. The anomaly is a mysterious being that desperately wants to avoid being contained and goes to insane, nonsensical lengths to keep it that way, with the Foundation chalking up its actions to weird accidents rather than the work of an enigmatic entity, and Director Paul Lague has to go through hell to prove that it exists.
  • O5-13 is easily the highlight of the article, and almost every single one of his lines is pure gold.
    • 13 chose to become a digitized being to become immortal. For the purposes of the meeting with Lague, his mind was moved to a Xerox machine... and is rather miffed that the other 12 wouldn't let him use the more up-to-date one they have in their office.
    • 13 misunderstands Site-666 Director Randall House's name; he mistakenly assumes Randall's house is angry and ponders how a building could feel that way.
    • O5-5 is apparently a new hire who is trying (and failing) to make a good impression on the other members with a very over-the-top and cluelessly polite demeanor. 13 does not like them very much.
      O5-13: I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOUR SPIRIT TO BE IRREPARABLY SHATTERED, FIVE.
    • When Lague explains that people told him that the meeting with the council would mostly be for ceremony, an unprompted 13 immediately threatens to kill all of them.
      O5-13: NAMES. ADDRESSES. I'LL HANDLE THE LOUD MOUTHS.
  • The first sign that this is going to be a very silly article is the appearance of "God's Strongest Soldier", an empty mascot costume that looks like a dove and keeps showing up to screw people over. In its first appearance, it defends an otherwise serious anomalous congregation by beating the MTFs with a mallet, including smacking one of them into outer space. Later, after it's discovered that the congregation has a Foundation-proof forcefield that instantly kills any personnel who cross it, the bird is seen dancing on the wreckage of a helicopter before flying away. Finally, during another incident where the Foundation was trying to deal with an extradimensional cult, the bird suddenly showed up, killed everybody there with his mallet (including the guy they were sacrificing), and flipped off one of the cameras.
  • Lague inquires about what happened to Site-322's previous director:
    O5-1: Dead.
    Lague: Really?
    O5-1: Yeah, a tragedy. Slipped and fell down a flight of stairs and then shot himself twice.
  • One of the subjects of proof for 001's existence was an incident regarding Gorilla Marketing LLC, a seemingly harmless anomaly where a group of gorillas out in the Amazon sell people things over the phone. When Lague and House tried to document it, the entire Foundation went completely apeshit, with a mob of angry personnel attempting to kill them, training a group of chimpanzees for the deed, and the O5 council sans 1 ordering them stuffed in a brazen bull shaped like a gorilla. Later, Lague, House, and O5-1 attempt to handle the documentation alone, only for all data regarding it to have the contents of any electronics holding it replaced with monkeys.
  • When confronted with the brazen bull story, O5-2 is informed they almost killed O5-9 because of a disagreement involving what shape they wanted the device to look like.
    O5-2: Sorry, Nine. I have nothing against orangutans but I see why I made the choice I did. It would just slow you down.
  • The fifth piece of evidence for 001 is a weird kraken-god who took over a Foundation doctor's body and desperately wants to go back to the ocean. The kraken is clearly an idiot and is shown arguing with the researcher it's hijacking, and the only reason it escapes is because 001 develops its powers until it can do crappy Jedi mind tricks on the personnel.
    Researcher John Azniok: I'm a pasty, 130-pound white dude, you cocksucker.
    SCP-4639: I HAVE NEVER SUCKED A CHICKEN, BOY. DENYING YOUR DESTINY WILL ONLY FULFILL IT QUICKER.
    Azniok: Fuck you.
    SCP-4639: FUCKING ME IS FUCKING YOURSELF.
  • The final piece of evidence for 001's existence: Lague's hilariously miserable journey to write the documentation seen by the council as the powers that be kick his ass at every opportunity. Highlights include:
    • Lague coming down with at least four parasites in his body.
    • No less than 3 random, impossible accidents that conveniently destroy Lague's documents.
    • Fred suddenly showing up in his documents and refusing to leave, saying he "likes it", even though he's not even in the same site as Lague.
    • Lague losing the ability to speak or write for a week.
    • Finally, Lague's last quest to get the completed documents to Site-01, a perilous trek that involves his aircraft being struck by lightning 8 times, Lague's presence causing Site-43's infrastructure to collapse, God's Strongest Soldier appearing in the middle of the road while Lague is trying to drive and causing him to crash into a boulder, and finally Lague's van randomly activating its self-driving capabilities, crashing into a second boulder, and exploding.
  • The article's subtle punchline: at the very beginning, it's noted that SCP-001 is responsible for roughly 5% of all containment breaches. The very last line claims that containment efforts regarding SCP-001 have a 95% success rate... which is to say, a 5% failure rate, but portrayed in a more positive light.
• SCP-041, Thought-Broadcasting Patient
  It has come to my attention that several personnel have used SCP-041 as an ad-hoc 'she likes me/she likes me not' detector. This is one of the most appalling things I've ever heard. Are we safeguarding potentially world-destroying objects or are we in third grade? — Dr. Klein.
• SCP-048, The Cursed SCP Number, would fit, if it ever existed. 048 has no SCP assigned to it, because it is "cursed".
  Addendum 1: This is ridiculous. I'll prove to you superstitious bastards that you're all just being pussies. The restriction on SCP-048 is now removed and assigned to [DATA EXPUNGED]. - Dr. Cortez.
  Addendum 2: SCP-048, [DATA EXPUNGED], was accidentally thrown into the trash this morning and lost. In an unrelated incident, Dr. Cortez's arms were accidentally traumatically amputated in a horrific lunchroom blender accident. SCP-048 closed. - O5-11
• SCP-050, To The Cleverest, is a Clingy MacGuffin that people can "win" if they can prank whoever owns it. Add dangerous SCPs to the mix, and you have "The Great Researcher Prank War".
  Memorandum 050-A: No good will come of this. — O5-█
• SCP-055, The Anti Meme:
  • The personnel debriefing for this eminently forgettable thing:
    Dr. Hughes: Okay, I'm going to need to ask you some questions about number 55 now.
    ███████: Number what?
    Dr. Hughes: SCP object 55. The object you just examined.
    ███████: Um, I don't know what you're talking about. I don't think we have a 55.
    Dr. Hughes: Okay, then, ███████, I'd like you to tell me what you've been doing for the past two hours.
    ███████: What? I… <subject appears uncomfortable> … I don't know.
    Dr. Hughes: Okay, then, do you remember that we all agreed that it wasn't spherical?
    ███████: That what wasn't… Oh! Right! It isn't round at all! Object 55 isn't round!
    Dr. Hughes: So you remember it now?
    ███████: Well, no. I mean, I don't know what it is, but I know there is one. It's something you can't remember. And it's not a sphere.
    Dr. Hughes: Wait a minute. What's not a sphere?
    ███████: Object 55.
    Dr. Hughes: Object what?
    ███████: Doc, do you remember agreeing that something wasn't shaped like a sphere?
    Dr. Hughes: Oh, right!
  • When someone attempts to refine a list of 'Everything we know [the above item] is not' with 914's "Very Fine" setting:
    Output: A list of something, about something. Researcher and Guard failed to recall what was on the list. List was misplaced, somewhere.
• The testing log for SCP-061,Auditory Mind Control, a computer program that controls people's minds. The vague "Run on treadmill" command resulted in the test subjects attempting to run on an unmoving treadmill, run on a treadmill at full speed, and jog until told to stop, respectively, the latter two of which ended up flying off the end of the treadmill, AFV-style.
• SCP-076, Able, winds up leading a task force code-named Omega-7:
  • Unfortunately...
    Able's getting bored, and he's started putting his team through live fire exercises: they get bullets, he gets training weapons. Have you ever seen someone break a man's jaw using a Nerf sword? He's not gonna stop until someone gets killed.
  • Able and his task force got assigned to a mission. Someone objected, but was ignored and the mission was conducted anyway. He responded again, attaching hello.jpg^note The infamous memetic "goatse" image, though a text placeholder is used here in place of the actual image itself to his response. Poor guy was not only completely disregarded, he got reassigned to SCP-682 duty^note However, he's the one who wrote that note on the top of 076's article, so he's alive and well.
    Subject: I hope you're fucking proud of yourself, motherfucker.
    Message: (inline attachment of hello.jpg) because you're a bigger asshole than this guy.
• SCP-080, Dark Form, about an incorporeal entity which psychologically terrorizes people and disappears if exposed to luminosity greater than a child's night light, has the following addendum:
  Note: All personnel are requested to stop referring to SCP-080 as "The Boogieman". - Dr. ██████
• SCP-095, The Atomic Adventures of Ronnie Ray-Gun, a comic book depicting Ronald Reagan as a Buck Rogers-esque hero (the anomaly being that said comic was made well before he became president). And there are "other issues" telling about the future presidents (along with what appear to be references to Sarah Palin and Al Franken running for the job).
• SCP-109, Infinite Canteen, is used in hazings of new D-Class. How?
  Addendum 109-3: "It has come to my attention that new class D personnel are often dared to empty the bottle. Guards are reminded that they are to discourage such activity, and inform them that SCP-109 is bottomless. Chanting 'Chug!' repeatedly is considered unprofessional." — Dr. Klein
• SCP-115-1, Miniature Dump Truck, is a remote-controlled plastic toy dump truck that functions exactly like a real dump truck, except that it's smaller. It weighs about 90 tons, can carry 120 tons, and runs on diesel fuel. Apparently, some researchers decided to use it to relive their childhoods, and...
  Dr. ██████: To anybody using SCP-115-1 for testing, I would like to remind you about Newton's Laws! Driving SCP-115-1 recklessly at high speeds is inviting disaster, and we've already had to deal with several destroyed walls and equipment due to improper handling!
• While aging a bottle of scotch in SCP-119, Timecrowave:
  Dr. Grant: Subsequent testing determined that the results of this experiment were delicious.
  Dr. Deral: It would seem Dr. Grant is a rather poor whiskey connoisseur, as whiskey does not age outside of the barrel. Your delicious experiment resulted in a 37-year old bottle of 12-year old scotch. Well done.
  Dr. Grant: I stand by my initial assessment. Delicious.
• SCP-147, Anachronistic Television: As has been verified repeatedly, the presence of persons born after March 1965 does not in and of itself trigger a hostile event. For reasons still unknown, SCP-147 objects mainly to manufactured items. Dr. ████████ ████ recently conducted an experiment in which he clothed himself with vintage (pre-1965) articles of clothing, with the caveat that he had three Bic Flair pens (invented in the 1970s) in his shirt pocket. What he saw while seated in front of SCP-147, he would later describe as "a bizarre episode of I Love Lucy featuring a surprising amount of gunplay."
• SCP-152, Book of Endings, is a huge, constantly-changing book that describes numerous different ways humanity could go extinct. Apparently half the entries in the last fifty or so pages are devoted to many ways the Foundation screws up and accidentally destroys the universe. One Foundation staff member suggests making SCP-152 required reading material in order to keep newbies from inadvertently wiping out all life.
• SCP-157, Mimetic Predator: █████ ██████, found with extensive scalp damage after mistaking SCP-157 for a bottle of shampoo and applying some to his hair. Victim was apparently immune to SCP-157 anesthetic and began screaming, attracting the attention of his wife, who had been eating a snack. "It was the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen – he had a pastrami sandwich on his head, and it was eating HIM!"
• The bizarrely adorable sapient calculator, SCP-168, Sentient Calculator, wants a storage room with a window;
  Upon entering storage room 185-D to continue testing with SCP-168 on the morning of January 15, 2008, I discovered the only table in the room upended, with SCP-168 resting next to it, in an upright position. Its screen read; “HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT? TEACH YOU TO LEAVE ME IN THE DARK ALL DAY. JERK.”
• SCP-202, The Rewind Man, the guy who does everything in reverse:
  Addendum: Direct Order from Commander [EXPUNGED]: "We're not having any more discussion about what happens when two oh two goes to the bathroom!"
• Telling a nine year old Reality Warper (SCP-239, The Witch Child) about Santa Claus. Should have seen it coming:
  Note from Dr. ████████, dated 12/26/04: Who the hell thought it would be a good idea to tell her about "Santa Claus" and then tell her that it was just a story?! Now we have another potential SCP to deal with, but we can't catch him because he is "magic".
• SCP-247 is a man-eating female Bengal tiger, though it emits an effect that makes everything perceive it as a harmless kitten. The test logs for the tiger examine how various animals react to it, using a real kitten and a normal tiger as controls first. This culminates in somebody having the bright idea to see how a male tiger reacts to 247; despite the second control test demonstrating why this is a bad idea, the result is a tiger-247 hybrid that's implied to be more effectively anomalous than its mother and the researcher responsible getting kicked off the project.
  Control Test B: Omitted, record of normal Bengal tiger mating behaviour substituted.
  Results: As expected based on control B. [DATA EXPUNGED].
• The list of food items procured from SCP-261, Pan-Dimensional Vending, a magic vending machine.
  • It dispensed a six-inch long caramel figurine of SCP-682, the local Nigh-Invulnerable, regenerating badass monster... that proceeded to "... do an apparent barbershop routine, dancing with a suddenly materializing cane and hat upon the counter. Music came from an unidentified source and resembled a standard barbershop routine, but those present were unable to place the singers." (This is made even funnier by nearby security guards opening fire on it, to absolutely no effect.)
  • X-Treme Chips: Fed chips to D-Class 24045-06, whose voice immediately grew deeper and requested this agent join him in extreme sport activities such as surfboarding, mountain climbing, and bungee jumping. Request was denied.
  • "Snapple" - A seemingly normal Granny Smith, with a small, hand-written tag attached to the stem. Further examination revealed the center to be composed of solid tin.^Explanation"Sn" is the atomic symbol for tin.
  • The money used on the machine also decides what it'll spit out:
    Money entered: 1 counterfeit 500 yen coin (minted on site, otherwise identical to authentic article), accepted by SCP-261
    SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
    Item description: After a delay of approximately 3 seconds, an unmarked, opaque white cellophane package was dispensed. Package contained candies similar to "Gummi Bears," but shaped like human hands with extended middle fingers. Item was interpreted as a threat and not consumed. Testing revealed candy contained lethal amounts of potassium cyanide.
  • When the Foundation slipped in a note reading "I.O.U. 500 ¥", SCP-261 dispensed an opened bag of Smartfood brand White Cheddar popcorn, containing only crumbs of said popcorn and a note reading "I.O.U. 41 popcorn kernels". This seems to prove that not only does SCP-261 have some form of sentience, it also has a sense of humor! Later, when they inserted 500 yen, the machine dispensed the promised 41 popcorn kernels, without any package.
  • And finally, they drilled a hole through a 100 ¥ coin, tied a string to it, and yanked it out of SCP-261. The first few tests yielded edible food that later caused subjects to vomit up the food in question. After several similar tests, it produced for the testers a live grenade. The Foundation declared a moratorium on all further attempts to mess with SCP-261's coin delivery system.
  • The machine seems to take personal offense to pressing the coin return button; the second time they tried it, it spat out a red soda can that was humming loudly (a large insect was inside it) with the phrase "Stop that." on it.
  • The machine can determine not only whether money is counterfeit, but whether it was gotten through illicit means. Trying to insert yen lifted from the collection plate of a Shinto temple first generated no response except for the money getting spat back in the coin return. Doing it a second time resulted in the same thing happening, except that anyone who tried to touch the money got burned except for the guy who originally stole it—and this continued until it was returned to the temple.
  • Doctor King can get nothing from SCP-261 but apple seeds, one for each yen put into the machine. Other researchers after him tried to use the machine that same day, but also got apple seeds and promptly blamed him for "breaking" the machine.
  • "Mr. Q's Cumbersome Soda Bottle", a Shout-Out to Ramune bottles. It took an hour for the researcher to figure out how to drink it properly.
  • "Mr. Mercer's amazing condiment", a food additive that makes everything taste delicious, and we do mean everything, including wood, stone, sand, rotten meat. However, it does not change the composition of the object it is applied to.
  • A penis made of chocolate. Filled with liquid white chocolate.
    Edible. Testing concluded.
    Notes - More than half of the male staff avoided contact with the thing like it was made out of explosives. It is funny that the majority of staff here would prefer to have a picnic with SCP-682 over touching a fucking penis-shaped candy.
  • Someone had the bright idea to try the coin-on-a-string trick again, with one Dr. Yatts, who was present the last time this was attempted, described as seeming very nervous. Sure enough, 261 dropped another grenade, which prompted everyone in the vicinity to dive for cover… at which point the grenade exploded into a shower of confetti with a noisemaker sound, filling the room with the taste of peppermint.
    I'm not gonna lie; I [EXPLETIVE] myself. I'm not coming in this room anymore if we're playing coin tricks with this thing!
    — A very nervous Dr. Yatts
  • A can of "Blueberry Yoo-Hoo", which yelled "Yoo-hoo!" in a high-pitched voice when opened. The experiment log speaks for itself:
    D-3489 ingested beverage without incident, but experienced an increased rate of flatulence for three hours after consuming drink; each flatus repeating the phrase "Yoo-hoo!"
  • Three strips of bacon which force the eater to speak in Pig Latin.
  • Their attempts to use a modified Yen coin with a QR code for magic beans produce a flying slice of cream pie, or "Pie in the Sky".
  • A tube of Russian Roulette Drops, which dispenses a sugar pellet into the mouth when bitten down on that quickly dissolves to reveal the hidden flavor inside. Several researchers decide to play, each one taking a turn with the tube. Dr. Henjik is the unlucky one whose pellet is filled with 85% pure capsaicin and has to be taken to the medical ward for breathing issues. The attending researcher unsympathetically writes, "Dr. Henjik is a great big baby."
• Turns out SCP-294 has a sense of humor:
  "Researcher reported a quantifiable level of surprise at the occurrence."
  • The poor dude ordered "Surprise me". 294 gave him a cup of superheated water, which exploded in his face.
  • From an earlier revision: Someone orders "Whatever the next person orders", to see if it can predict the future. Of course, the machine just waited until the next person ordered and gave both drinks at the same time. "Cleanup took two hours, and the researcher was told in a firm voice not to do it again."
  • What happened when someone asked for "my life story".
    "Upon consumption, Dr.████████ reported that he remembered everything that had ever happened to him. Following this test, Dr.████████ entered his office and returned 48 hours later with a 538-page autobiography."
  • Again from an earlier revision: SCP-294 complied with a request to make a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster.
  • Dr. King tried using the machine. Needless to say, it dispensed apple seeds.
• SCP-299, Infectious Tree, is a Keter-class botanical SCP that turns any plant into a ravenous carnivore upon contact. For some reason, the Foundation decided to test it on a sunflower.
  Specimen's trunk snapped upon introduction of researcher's foot. Remains incinerated.
• The old version of SCP-323, an otherwise bad object that got replaced, has containment procedures containing possibly the greatest sentence ever written.
  "The room must be shaved daily."
• SCP-361, Bronze Liver, is an Etruscan artifact which provides vocal instructions as to how to perform divination via animal entrails. However, it automatically provides instructions in a manner it deems appropriate to the culture of the user, meaning that when someone from the modern era uses it, it sounds like an annoying automated telephone service.
  SCP-361: Welcome to HarusCo! Your sacrifice is very important to us! For Tinia the Thunderer, please perform a horizontal incision on the offering. For Aita of the Underworld, please perform a vertical incision. For Maris, lightly cover your offering with the ash of a dead warrior related to you by blood.
  (user performs a horizontal incision)
  SCP-361: You have selected Tinia. For your weekly meteorological divination, please singe your offering over an open flame for five seconds. For warning bolts, please place a green olive on the altar. For beseechments and beneficial interventions, please attach a written consent from the Consulate Gods. For Catastrophes, please remove the head of an adult ox and hold.
• SCP-387, Living Lego:
  • What happens when you expose sentient Lego blocks to cheap Lego copies:
    Once a normal community of 387 was constructed, a small mound of Mega Bloks (a common copy of Lego) was placed near the community. When this happened, everything constructed of 387 stopped moving, turned slowly towards the Mega Bloks and [EXPUNGED].
    
    Addendum 387-6: Jesus fucking Christ. - Dr. Arch
  • When you expose kids to sentient Lego blocks.
    "Addendum 387-1: How the fuck did these children gain knowledge of the workings of a M1 Abrams Tank, no less [EXPUNGED]!?"
• The fourth testing log from SCP-404, Memories Lost, Memories Found, as two doctors discover really, really embarrassing things about each other's private life. Also, the very fact that this item is numbered 404. If you don't know why that is relevant, check what HTTPS status code 404 means.
• SCP-423, Self-Inserting Character:
  • 423 is a character named Fred who moves from book to book, adding himself in the story. The best there now is Ulysses, which he doesn't edit and says it hurt, and House of Leaves, which he complains was way too confusing. It's great to know that even SCPs can't figure that book out.
    SCP-423 (Fred): (after entering Ulysses) Ow, ow, bad idea.
    Dr. E. Mann: Note this as a potential punishment for SCP-423 if it misbehaves.
  • And then he edited Green Eggs And Ham. His response afterwards? "That was fun."
  • They also gave him access to a copy of his own test log to see what he would do...
    Results: Identical, except for the insertion of the words "ruggedly handsome" in several sections of the log.
  • Sending Fred into a transcript of a ballet routine just added an extra dancer who walks onstage, looks at the other dancers, shrugs, and leaves.
  • Sending him into the extended testing log for SCP-1459.
    Results: No changes.
    Notes: SCP-423 stated the following: "You all disgust me. So. Fucking. Much."
  • The Foundation later sends him into Calvin and Hobbes, and he winds up becoming part of the Noodle Incident. The researchers ask what it was, and are legitimately disappointed when all he remembers is that it "definitely involved Calvin and noodles."
  • SCP-423 outright refuses to go back into Atlanta Nights. The log implies that the entity has already been in Atlanta Nights, and that's why every real-world copy of the book mentions him. (Perhaps he infected the authors' original manuscript?)
    Examination of other copies of Atlanta Nights reveals the presence, in chapter 8, of a waiter named "Frederick" (also referred to as "Frederic" and "Frederik"); the hidden message composed of character initials contains no 'F's.
• SCP-426, I am a Toaster:
  • My description is written entirely in the first person and is incredibly funny as a result. Just don't go back and read what I do to others.
    Description: Hello, I am SCP-426. I must be introduced this way in order to prevent ambiguity. I am an ordinary toaster, able to toast bread when supplied with electricity. However, when any human being mentions me, they inadvertently refer to me in the first person. Despite all attempts, there is yet to be a way to speak or write about me in the third person. When in my continuous presence for over two months, individuals begin to identify themselves as a toaster. Unless forcibly restrained, these people will ultimately harm themselves in their attempts to emulate my standard functions.
  • The doc's note at the end:
    Thank God there are some limits to my effects. A lot of us were really starting to get worried about me.
• SCP-445, "Dr. Wondertainment's Super Paper":
  Folded Into: A paper boat/hat - When placed in water, became self-propelling at speeds of up to 60 km/h. When inverted and placed on head, subject's physical attractiveness was greatly increased in the eyes of viewers. When both were performed simultaneously, both effects were achieved, with subject reported as looking 'dead sexy' while scooting around the water upside-down.
  Folded Into: Origami copy of SCP-682 - Animated halfway through folding process, causing Dr. G considerable injury. Testing session ended.

  Notes: Let's not try that again. - Dr. G
• Also, Experiment Log 447-A, Ball of Green Slime, summarized in the following line:
  "What is WITH you people?" - Dr. A. Clef
  • One log details a terminated attempt to test SCP-447-2 with a dead body. The next log? SCP-447-2 is tested on Dr. Clef. Clef "threatened to kill staff members carrying out the experiment if it were not for the fact that doing so would violate experimental protocol". Or rather, he wants everyone involved in this dead and was fully willing to kill them right there and then... if that wouldn't put the SCP in contact with dead bodies. He has to wait until he's been fully cleaned of the stuff to retaliate.
  • It's pretty funny how they always mention minty freshness...
  • Able tries a drink based on 447-2, noting its "refreshing" flavor. But when he's told of the effects of 447-2 he just backs out and loses interest. Yes, even a psychopathic killing machine is afraid of what will happen when 447-2 meets a dead body.
  • At one point, the lab runs samples of 447-2 through SCP-914. The final one involves putting a sample of SCP-447-2 into the machine at the 1:1 setting. The output is... a dead body.
    Further cross-testing of SCP-447-2 with SCP-914 has been enjoined by order of O5-[REDACTED].
  • One researcher uses SCP-447-2 as a sexual lubricant, and states that the test "went really well". He then comments that SCP-447-2 could be marketed as such — unfortunately, he doesn't think they could stop necrophiliacs from using it.
  • Marketing for use with Duct Tape denied on the grounds that there's Duct Tape for Everything.
  • A box of Lego turned out well; unfortunately, Lego is a known choking hazard, so no marketing applications. Then...
    “Formally requesting this Tub for recreational use, they're really addicting” –Dr. Sanders
    “Accepted, Have fun.” –Dr. Markman
  • One test was to submerge an (unplugged) computer in a vat of 447-2 for five minutes. It broke.
    "Whoever came up with this should be kicked in the head." - Dr. Clef
  • They didn't learn their lesson — a later test involved doing the same thing to a smart phone. They had to incinerate the poor thing afterwards. (though that one seemed like revenge, given that owner of the phone had just taken the magic pizza box for a few hours...)
    "Hey, has anyone seen my phone?"
• SCP-451's Journal should be sad. But keep in mind that people still see him as normal, then imagine how the situation would look like from bystanders' points of view — it becomes Fridge Brilliance humor. Especially the 6/17 entry, when he stops wearing clothes and walks around Site-19, naked, with only sneakers, and wakes up shivering the next day with the temperature dropped to 5° Celsius, forcing him to steal new clothes to wear since he incinerated his old ones. Oh, and whenever he wants something, he will steal it from his old friend's room.
  • The discussion page for SCP-451 also has a hilarious suggestion by a user based on a previous version of the article:
    Dr-Chepelskii: Okay so maybe this is just me but the whole "further research is required to determine patterns of what he recognizes" thing is kind of stupid. Only because i doubt foundation researchers wouldn't have noticed by now that in just about every single journal he talks about looking at the lunch menu.
    Why doesnt the cafeteria start serving "you didnt kill everyone stew," with a side of "you just cant notice us potatos."
    Also "put some clothes on pie" and "stop stealing from my office you prick, love rommel soup"
• From the exploration logs of SCP-455, Cargo Ship:
  T2L: T2L here HQ, we sent up a man as advised and he returned in four minutes. Sent him back twice in a sprint, two minutes. We all recorded thirty to get down this far at least, and we all recorded our scout's return times as well. There is definitely something inconsistent.
  HQ: Proceed as planned T2L, time lapses have been recorded but we see no need to abort mission over this. Please use precautions when these lapses occur and immediately try to raise us should you suspect one so we can confirm time since last contact. In addition if radio silence is encountered use utmost discretion.
  … … … .
  T2L respond?
  … … … .
  T2L?
  … … … .
  Fuck.
• SCP-483, Anti-Aging Placebos, pills which "de-age" the subject, in that they leave them biologically the same age but change all records of them to say they're younger;
  Note: I've always been paranoid about memetic and mind-altering effects. Lucky for me, my countermeasures saved my memory from the overdose. Unfortunately, however, I've lost my clearance, seniority, staff, awards, retirement date, and the opportunity to have my aging mother ever recognize me again. Fixing at least some of these problems would be simple; that is, if anyone knew who the hell I was! That's the last time I get a rookie to draw up an experimental procedure for me, goddamn it. - Dr. Blast
  Note: Dr. Blast, please refrain from using official documentation as a medium to voice complaint. That you're 2 weeks old is no excuse. - Dr. ████████
• This line from an After Action report about an incident wherein a D-Class prevents SCP-498, 11 Minute Snooze, from getting out of control: "... D-4112 was treated for severe internal bleeding, commended for preventing a potentially catastrophic containment breach, and successfully terminated at the end of the month."
• "SCP personnel below Level 3 are now banned from handling SCP-500, Panacea. This is not to be used to cure a hangover. Get AIDS and then ask permission."
• SCP-504, Critical Tomatoes, a series of tomatoes that attack anyone or anything that tells bad jokes in its proximity.
  • "Those tomato slices are like fucking shuriken."
  • The Take That! in the test notes:
    Item: One mature SCP-504 tomato
    Subject: CD player playing "Harmful If Swallowed" (2003, Dane Cook)
    Result: At [REDACTED], tomato clocked 167 mph. CD player destroyed.
  • And this:
    Item: One mature SCP-504 tomato
    Subject: Television playing the SNL Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton skit.
    Result: Tomato reacted as if 'confused': slow-motion video shows three separate bursts of speeds in excess of 200mph, two incidences of motion at normal throwing speeds, and one unprecedented instance of backward motion, all in the one trajectory. Dr. King hypothesises that the tomato was unsure whether or not to 'take it seriously'.
  • And this:
    Item: One mature SCP-504 tomato
    Subject: A portable computer playing a pre-recorded engineering joke.
    Transcript: "2009 is going to be a complex year. We already know the real part; we still have to find the imaginary part".
    Result: Supersonic blast detected; computer was completely vaporized by the tomato's kinetic energy. Sensor readings indicate an approximate speed of 3500 km/h (2174 mph).
  • One test subject told a deliberately terrible, ill-paced joke. He was promptly killed by a tomato that broke the sound barrier.
  • 504's reaction to exposure to The Funniest Joke In The World:
    Item: One mature SCP-504 tomato
    Subject: A portable computer playing a partial audio recording of the Monty Python sketch "The Funniest Joke in the World".
    Transcript: "Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!"
    Result: Tomato explodes. Debris clocked at 137 mph. Computer heavily coated by debris. Keyboard ruined by exposure to liquid matter — all other components proved functional after cleanup.
• SCP-507, Reluctant Dimension Hopper, a man subject to Random Transportation, is subject to mostly scary alternate worlds. Still, there are at least two post-retrieval requests ("Food and water 'that doesn't taste like sand.' Granted." and "One camera; subject stated 'the view was breathtaking'. Denied.") and this dialogue in what appears to be a prison world:
  The prisoner then pleaded with the subject to release him from his cell. Subject [SCP-507], jokingly, replied that he would free the prisoner if he promised not to stab the subject upon release. There was roughly a seven second pause before the prisoner asked what “stabbing” was. After a moment of deliberation, the subject defined stabbing as “The creation of a new orifice through the use of a pointed object.” Another pause followed. The prisoner eventually affirmed that he could not stab the subject, because all of his objects were “very blunt.”
  • One shift landed him in a dimension consisting of an "endless forest of apple trees" and a race of people who all looked like Dr. King, with a message for Dr. King. According to the report, Dr. King is apparently one of them and all the appleseeds were his people trying to communicate with him and get him to come home. 507 asks if he can give the message to Dr. King:
    Denied, for the safety of SCP-507.
  • At one point, he shifted into a world where he was elected president of the United States. Because he had no experience with politics nor any social skills, he ended up completely ruining the country in little more than two weeks, including somehow managing to accidentally sell the national parks to Switzerland and get the entire southeast part of the country annexed by Disney. By the time an angry mob stormed the White House to kill him, he shifted back.
  • He once shifted into a world where he was stuck in a featureless room with George H. W. Bush, who repeatedly threw wet broccoli at him while repeatedly saying "1992".
  Addendum 507-01: I don’t care how much he grumbles about it; SCP-507 is not to be cleared for challenging SCP-076-2 to fifty rounds of Tic-Tac-Toe. Just… no. -Dr. █████
• SCP-514, A Flock of Doves, a flock of doves that shuts down any attempt at violence and disables all weapons in its area of effect. This results in groups fighting to control it using... alternate methods of conflict resolution.
  O5-██: Are you serious? The fate of one of our SCPs could be decided on the outcome of rock-paper-scissors?!
  Captain ████████: I assure you sir, you have nothing to fear. We are dead serious about these matters.
  O5-11: Captain, couldn't you have chosen a more… dignified… game as your primary conflict resolution method? Seeing two grown men in all-black tactical gear taking a children's card game so seriously is… off-putting.
• The ending of SCP-523, The Most Unhelpful Object On Earth.
  Note: Since it seems that SCP-523's transformations are more or less proportional to the gravity of the situation it is being used for, it is imperative that it be destroyed immediately in the event of an XK-class end-of-the-world scenario, as it may turn into something that would further exacerbate the situation. Like the Sun. -Dr. Willis
• SCP-539, The Perfect Distraction, Test 539-1:
  "Security personnel ordered to line up all with clear lines of sight on tester, with instructions to not break eye contact with tester under any circumstances. When the disc was thrown, the security personnel experienced a "sudden wardrobe existence failure", causing all of them to lose eye contact with the tester, being more concerned with the loss of clothing and the issue of the climate being rather uncomfortable to a nude security guard."
• SCP-555, Corpse Magnet, draws dead matter to it, with its radius of effect growing as more is attracted. Now, in general the containment procedures leave out instructions not to do obviously stupid things, but since it involves dead bodies...
  SCP-555 is never to be stored in the same site as SCP-447.
• SCP-572, Katana of Apparent Invincibility, which is a parody of ignorant wannabes who obsess over the "quality" of cheap, impractical swords.
  Should the sword be successfully wrested away from an affected subject (preferably using long-handled tongs to prevent the retriever being affected), all psychological effects can usually be expunged by a single swift blow to the back of the subject's head.
• SCP-586, Inscribable Object. A small green piece of pipe that makes people use Malapropers when writhing about it. Once you've gotten juiced to translating the typographical eras, it's hilarious.
  Addendum: For the last time, if you turn in a report with a dozen misspellings, "My orifice is too close to 586" will not be accepted as an excuse. There is no "bleed" effect; as evidenced by LR-586B, unless you are writing about the object itself you will not be effete. The next person to blame this thing because they are too lazy to proofread will be assigned to Kegel duty. Dr. █████
  • Even images are not safe, as the photo of the object is a green pope.
• SCP-606, "The Teacher", while otherwise silent, suddenly became... talkative:
  God dammit, which one of you [REDACTED] gave it 2 MB of porn? It's already being considered for Keter, now we can't get it to shut up about [DATA EXPUNGED].
• Abusing SCP-661, Salesman, Too Good to Be True, a rude salesman with the power of a Compelling Voice.
  - '████. It ████████ reeks in here. Open a god ████ window or something' (Denied. Security Officer ██████ farted instead.)
  • His rudeness prompts passive-aggressive torment from the guards and researchers. When he asks for a Pepsi, they give him a Coca-Cola, and a Monkees album instead of Led Zeppelin.
• Normally, Containment Procedures are there to heighten the dread of an object's effects. SCP-677's, Unpredictable Pogo Stick, Containment Procedures do something similar, but to a slightly different effect...
  SCP-677 is currently in the vicinity of Saturn’s orbit.
• SCP-694's testing log has the Foundation trying to change the events of a Time Loop Trap and failing repeatedly due to how scripted it is. They instead manage to repeatedly Cross The Line Twice.
  • The Foundation tries destroying the kidnappers' minivan. The kidnappers continue to mime their actions in the area where the minivan used be and drive off in an invisible car, with them and their child victim floating a few feet above the ground.
  • The Foundation tries cutting the rope binding the father's wrists together. As he was originally supposed to cut them off himself with a hacksaw, he unintentionally slits his wrists and bleeds out while chasing the kidnappers. Regardless, his gun and car continue move as scripted, the gun itself floating in the air the entire time.
  • The Foundation tries killing the child victim at the beginning of the time loop. The child's father and the kidnappers continue to treat the child's corpse as if he were still alive, with moments such as the kidnappers threatening the corpse to shut up as they drive.
• SCP-705, Militaristic Play-Doh, an army of miniature clay soldiers and tanks.
  In less than an hour, SCP-705 had taken control of the Mr. Coffee machine, declaring independence and control over the region. The assault was routed when Dr. Rights brushed them away from the burner, resulting in massive casualties and a complete rout. Interviews with SCP-705 remark on this day with great fear and resentment.
• SCP-731's, Rathole Cover, "rebuttal" to the scientists' experiments is simply funny.
• SCP-732, The Fan-Fic Plague, is an entity of sorts which vandalizes articles with bragging Leet Lingo $%^&and has psykic powers and can blow peple up with teh blink of an eye#$%^. Its appearances in other articles are also played for laughs, such as an incident report where it's explained a Self-Insert managed to be killed because its entry was corrupted by 732, making it look much more powerful than he seemed.
• The Insult Box.
• They attempted to "defeat" SCP-738, The Devil's Deal, by putting him against the Foundation's legal counsel. It was amazing.
  "Come back any time. I haven't had so much fun in years!"
  • On the same page, 738 negotiating with the "dyslexic and seriously mentally retarded" D-class. It actually feels bad about it.
• SCP-743, A Chocolate Fountain, is a Keter chocolate fountain that devours people. The Foundation plans to feed condemned D-class personnel to it. What do they call this plan? Death By Chocolate.
• The entry for SCP-756, Miniature Solar System, a miniature solar system:
  Planet III: mostly ocean dotted with islands of varying biome, presently inhabited by a sentient species of nomadic reptilians, with a religion based on ocean tides and the unexpected sight of Doctor ████████'s helmeted face in the night sky.
  Addendum: Any personnel caught placing glow-in-the-dark stars on the walls of the cell will be reassigned to paperwork.
  In the event that Planet IV’s inhabitants attempt to build another satellite weapon (see Incident Report SCP-756 A), personnel assigned to remove it must remain aware that although missiles fired from IV's surface cannot penetrate standard-issue spacesuits, helmets or visors, weapons platforms will almost certainly fire more quickly than the average human being can move.
• SCP-759, Sourdough Starter, is a 500-gram sourdough starter. When someone makes a baked good with it, their emotions are infused into the dough and get transmitted to whoever eats the resulting product. One experiment consisted of leaving it under the bed of a newly married employee for one week, and the results were [DATA EXPUNGED].
• SCP-807, Heart Attack on a Plate, is a plate which turns all food placed on it into extremely unhealthy treats. Soon enough, placing fatty food on it was prohibited after someone placed a Luther Burger^note That is, a hamburger with doughnuts for buns on it.
• A D-Class with little intelligence and imagination is tested on SCP-825, Helmet of Disturbing Visions, a helmet that uses disturbing (to the person) audio/visual hallucinations.
  Results: As expected the subject reported perceiving confinement in a room with several rodents. When asked if he was being bitten, the subject responded "No... wait, now they are." Further suggestions as to how the vision could be worse (e.g., larger rats, being restrained, being confined in a tiny box filled with rats, the rats specifically attacking subject's eyes and genitals) were all subsequently introduced into the subject's vision after a short delay.
• SCP-826, Draws You into the Book, is a set of bookends which can portal users into the universe of whichever book is placed between its halves.
  On ██/██/20██, SCP-826 was discovered to be missing by Dr. Clopine, who alerted Foundation security personnel. Security camera footage revealed assistant researcher D█████ V████████ had removed SCP-826 before leaving for the night. Personnel then proceeded to V████████'s apartment, where they detained him as he was entering the building. Searching his bag, Personnel found SCP-826 along with a new bottle of KY Warming Gel and a DVD copy of The Little Mermaid. SCP-826 was returned to the Foundation and V████████ has since been reassigned to Keter Duty.
• SCP-846, Robo-Dude, a small toy robot, with hundreds of accessories hidden in its chest cavity. It is sentient but is quite single-minded, leading to...
  SCP-846: THIS VERSION OF ROBO-DUDE IS EQUIPPED WITH OVER A HUNDRED NEW ROBO-ACCESSORIES AND ROBO-FEATURES, INCLUDING 'VOICE ACTION', 'POWER PUNCH' AND 'ROBO-DANCE'. ROBO-DUDE WILL NOW DEMONSTRATE ROBO-DANCE.
  Dr. ███████: No thank you, SCP-846, I'd like to -
  (At this point, SCP-846 began a 'Robo-Dance', which lasted twenty-three (23) minutes. SCP-846 ignored all questions during this time period.)
• SCP-871, Self-Replacing Cake, a collection of 237 cakes which, if eaten, will replace themselves within 24 hours and if not eaten will replicate themselves. Seems normal enough, but the funny part is that it's categorized as Keter class, with Foundation scientists estimating that an uncontrolled outbreak would destroy the world by drowning it in cake! Also, the containment procedures suggest executing any D-class who refuses to eat the cake. Eat that cake or die. It goes on to say that personnel who do eat a cake can volunteer to eat more, those who've consumed one should not be permitted access to any other SCP projects, and their monthly termination can be postponed if they exhibit "exceptional usefulness". Yes, as a D-class you can get a risk-free job that lets you survive indefinitely so long as you're willing to keep eating a lot of cake.
• Parts of this log, especially:
  Sample 887-1111: The musical score for "SCP Foundation, The Musical"
  Personally, I think we should try to sell this to Broadway. I mean, really; how else are you going to see Dr. Bright and Dr. Clef belting out a duet about SCP-682's eating habits? -Dr. Edison
• Also, the test log for SCP-914, The Clockworks, which is big enough to require its own page.
• Subject 9-3-1
  is rather humorous, yes
  and should be here, too.
• Most of SCP-953's, Polymorphic Humanoid, entry is pretty damn horrifying, but the fact that her targeting furries led to the SCP wiki containing the name 'YiffCon' is a bit of brevity.
• A test log of SCP-978, Desire Camera, a camera that produces photographs of what the subject really wants to be doing:
  Subject: Kitten (stray lab animal)
  Photographs Activity: Being held for the picture by Dr. █████
  Photo Result: [DATA EXPUNGED] - I would NEVER do that to a kitten! -Dr. █████
  • When describing a photo of Dr. Clef after arguing with Dr. Bright, his head has been replaced with a fist giving a middle finger.
  • SCP-890, the doctor who can operate on machines, is shown with the camera on his desk, rolling his eyes and gesturing for it to get out.
    When shown the photograph, SCP-890 stated that although it would never actually "be that rude to a patient", it has "no time for hypochondriacs".
  • The one for 682 shows it having killed several personnel and mauling the photographer.
    Notes: Well, that was predictable. -Dr. Valence
  • And then there's the one of 053:
    Subject: SCP-053
    Photographed Activity: Coloring in a coloring book.
    Photo Result: Riding on SCP-682's back in a pastoral setting; SCP-682 is wearing a bright red hair-bow and a floral dress similar to SCP-053's favored clothing, and has bright pink nail polish on its claws. Adult humans are present, but facial features are indistinct.
  • They also ran tests on researchers:
    Subject: Research Assistant James ██████
    Photographed Activity: Smiling for the camera, neutral pose.
    Photo Result: Subject is shown looking much more tired and unprofessional, drinking from a flask.
    

    Subject: Research Assistant ███ ██████
    Photographed Activity: Smiling for the camera, neutral pose.
    Photo Result: [DATA EXPUNGED] - Research Assistant ███ ██████ is placed on temporary psychiatric leave.
    

    Subject: Dr. ██ ██████
    Photographed Activity: Smiling for the camera, neutral pose.
    Photo Result: [DATA EXPUNGED] expresses extreme embarrassment and apologies for this.

    Subject: Dr. Trebuchet
    Photographed Activity: Reading Incident Report 811-██ at her desk.
    Photo Result: Sleeping at her desk.
    Note: Bah. Sleep can go [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] itself. I've got work to do. ~Dr. Trebuchet

    Subject: Dr. Trebuchet
    Photographed Activity: Passed out at her desk after 89 straight hours of transcribing interview logs. A small puddle of drool is forming on the papers under her head.
    Photo Result: Still transcribing interview logs.
  • And one on several people trapped in an eleven-second-long "Groundhog Day" Loop:
    Subject: Participants in SCP-176, photographed at 3.1 seconds through the 11.3-second cycle.
    Photographed Activity: Working on the device.
    Photo Result: (Unidentified researcher #1): [DATA EXPUNGED]
    Photo Result: (Unidentified researcher #2): [DATA EXPUNGED]
    Photo Result: (Unidentified researcher #3): [DATA EXPUNGED]
    Photo Result: (Unidentified researcher #4): Kissing unidentified researcher #2
    Photo Result: (Unidentified researcher #5): Using the toilet
  • And when they used it on Dr. King, the photo result was a macro-image of an apple seed.
  • SCP-527, better known as Mr. Fish, Just Wants To Be Badass.
    Photographed Activity: Watering a small potted cactus.
    Photo Result: A muscular SCP-527 wielding a large trident stands triumphantly atop the beached carcass of large, serpentine creature. SCP-644, SCP-2148, SCP-2284, and SCP-2396 stand around the defeated sea monster, cheering and applauding SCP-527. SCP-527 is still wearing its suit and top hat in the photograph.
• "Sing-along guidelines". That is all.
• While much of SCP-993, Bobble the Clown, a kids' show that blanks out the minds of adult viewers while programming children into psychopaths, is pure Nightmare Fuel, including the episode logs, the final two episodes detailed are darkly humorous. The next to last is titled 'Bobble The Clown Hates You', and is just the titular clown staring angrily at the screen for half an hour, possibly in response to when the SCP Foundation began blocking the transmission of the episodes. The last is given the title '[EXPLETIVE] YOU [EXPLETIVE] YOU [EXPLETIVE] YOU', and it is directed right at the SCP Foundation, including detailing all the best ways to breach security protocols and cause the most amount of damage to the facility. Apparently, 'Bobble The Clown' is not pleased by the fact that the SCP Foundation has succeeded in blocking his transmissions.

Series II (SCPs 1000-1999)

• SCP-1006 is a cluster of spiders. Communist spiders. The clincher is the following:
  Once supplied a source of black ink and poster sheets, SCP-1006 will communicate with humans by creating signs written in English. These communications are largely centered around demands for the dismantling of western imperialism, a scathing critique of the bourgeoisie, and a request for less mosquito spraying in the surrounding area of the park.
• Not straight-up funny like most of these, but SCP-1025 is a glorious bit of metafictional commentary by way of Surprisingly Realistic Outcome. At first, it looks like your typical Keter-class object with a long experiment log killing a bunch of class-Ds, which eventually degenerates into an Apocalyptic Log... and then someone from O5 comes along and says that absolutely no unusual pathogens were detected and all the thing actually causes is "hypochondria by proxy." He/she then wonders who thought it was a good idea wasting all this money on the SCP, cuts the research funding, stuffs the book in a locker, and reclassifies it to "Safe."
• SCP-1068's product description is hilariously over the top, and it of course includes the mandatory Unreadable Disclaimer.
• SCP-1126 is a palm tree dressed in a dark grey trench coat which is capable of speech and — somehow — locomotion, and acts like a captured spy from a Get Smart-esque criminal organization, T.R.O.P.I.C.
  "My confederables Agent Spanish Moss and Agent Jewel Beetle are waiting for me on the outside."
• SCP-1147:
  • 1147 is a plum tree of unknown species that grows in anything the seeds are planted in. The whole tree takes on similar physical attributes to the material it was planted in, including the leaves, flowers and fruit. They tested the results of growing 1147 in a variety of materials, some with very obvious non-scientific objectives.
  • This test:
    SCP-1147-MO
    Substance: $2,183 US in mixed bills, shredded and mixed with water to form pulp.
    Result: Similar structure to SCP-1147-PA, but trunk is a pale green in color. Leaves bear a random mix of symbols and images commonly found on currency, but do not resemble complete and passable bills. Flowers have the scent of fresh dollar bills.
    Fruit: A paper skin filled with dark ink. Sample of ink had a mild plum flavor.
    Notes: I told you it wouldn't work. I'm glad I didn't chip in to the collection. -Dr. Laurel
  • There's also the comment that the head researcher makes after one test where they grew one tree in beer:
    "I would recommend disciplinary action against Researcher Adams for liberally sampling SCP-1147-BE-2 before proper D-Class testing, but I believe the hangover is punishment enough."
  • It stops being so funny when they start growing it in animal-based materials, though. Though the doctor's response afterwards may give a bit of levity:
    "This is exactly why I went into botany in the first place."
  • The fact that growing the tree in milk essentially produces fruit-shaped lumps of brie is pretty funny, especially with this bit:
    "Serves well with white wine."
• SCP-1160, an invincible spectral bird whose size and aggression inversely correlates to the number of people aware of its existence. At the time of discovery, it measured 85 meters tall — almost 280 feet! It quickly became clear to the Foundation that successfully containing 1160 meant spreading awareness of it as widely as possible. So they turned it into a breakfast cereal mascot. Currently, 1160 measures only 25 centimeters tall (or 0.82 feet), and any dip in the market value of Super Coco Pows cereal is considered a major security risk.
• SCP-1168 is a parody of SCP-1800 made by Gamers Against Weed that is powered by yarn, and when two people (a person convicted of sex crimes, and a male in high school that has blonde hair) are in its radius, the statue makes them recreate The Misadventures of Skooks Where's the Caveman meme.
• SCP-1171-1 is a monstrous eldritch abomination that hates humans. Think less "Adolf Hitler in Cthulhu's body" and more "your white trash idiot friend who keeps complaining about black people".
  SCP-1171: I MEAN, DON'T GET ME WRONG, I'M NOT RACIST OR ANYTHING. SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS ARE HUMAN.
• SCP-1233, MOON CHAMPION! He's an invincible, incredibly hammy Cloudcuckoolander in a spacesuit (or possibly just an animated spacesuit) who believes himself to be the defender of a race of "Moon People". He speaks mainly in non sequiturs, and chews the scenery with every line. Also, it's implied he can't actually see anything through his visor. Here's his introduction, which is a crowning moment of funny in its own right:
  Moon Champion: (Speaking to a 32-year-old man) Greetings, little girl. I am MOON CHAMPION, champion of the MOON, defender of space justice and destroyer of evil.
• SCP-1247, albeit in a very darkly humorous way. The SCP is a man who, after watching the movie Holes, perceives any animal as looking exactly like Shia LaBeouf. In the buff. The clincher, though, is the punchline:
  SCP-1247's copy of 'Holes' has been recovered. Testing has determined no anomalous effects. SCP-1247 has expressed disinterest in a second viewing.
• SCP-1295 are the Four Horsemen, who arrived early when War mistook the Hiroshima bombing for the End of Days. Now Dwight, Warren, Fredrick and Pat just hang out in a diner, waiting for the real deal.
• SCP-1296:
  • It's funny enough that there's a "deliver-a-llama" SCP, but the real hilarity comes when they asked it for SCP-1545, Larry the Loving Llama, a two-person llama suit wearing galoshes.
    "Just fucking take it!"
  • One order results in the delivery of a lama... as in, a Buddhist holy man, who has no idea how the hell he got there.
• SCP-1313, a mathematical equation to which the answer is a single female grizzly bear, is hilarious for anybody who's familiar with math, including things like:
  That SCP-1313 can be used as an element of other equations to produce semi-anomalous results. For example, √SCP-1313 resolves to the square root of a live grizzly bear — likewise, SCP-1313² is the product of two live grizzly bears multiplied together. It is not recommended that such 'derivative' equations be solved, as the creatures produced are usually poorly integrated into our reality, and invariably extremely hostile during their brief periods of existence¹.
  That grizzly bears exist within the set of all real numbers, and are not prime. The square root of a grizzly bear is prime, however, and is the only prime number that a) is not a cardinal number, b) is neither even nor odd, and c) contains an animal component. The implications that the root of a bear is an integer, and therefore that bears themselves exist on an ordinary number-line, are currently being investigated by Prof. Hutchinson.
  This is footnote 1:

  Research into the possible military applications of irrational, exponential, and imaginary grizzly bears is currently being undertaken by a joint team from the Foundation's mathematical and zoological departments.
• SCP-1352. Basically, just imagine a dog as a tornado.
• SCP-1357 is, itself, not very funny. However, some may recognize the page image from a certain image macro◊.
• SCP-1370, a rather hostile robot with grandiose appetites for destruction that is really just incapable of harming anything. To give you an idea of how incapable, a test log shows it losing against a potted plant. No, not another SCP, just an ordinary potted plant.
  If SCP-1370 encounters an object it believes to be sapient, it will attempt to engage the object in combat while introducing itself with a variety of elaborate titles which appear to be selected at random. Examples include Doom Bot 2000, Robo Lord the Destructor, Prime Minister Sinister and Darth Claw Killflex. SCP-1370 will often include variations to these titles based on responses it receives from personnel; Foundation staff have successfully introduced Patheticon the Garglemost and Pester Bot to its lexicon.
• The article for SCP-1373 introduces a Mobile Task Force specializing in containing anomalies that threaten marine vehicles. They are MTF Theta-5, "The Bigger Boat".
• SCP-1404 is a bowl that fills itself with milk and manifests ominous messages in cereal letters like "YOU WILL DIE"...and that's literally all it can do.
• Although some aspects of SCP-1425 fall under Nightmare Fuel or Paranoia Fuel, the TV show transcripts swing more toward Black Comedy.
• SCP-1442 is a sentient corporation that tries to flirt with one of the Foundation's fronts. The humor is in the buildup, in this case. The article starts with an undercover infiltration, making sure no one is aware about the SCP itself being sentient. You read about how it seems to be subtly manipulating people in order to send its messages, as well as think properly, and how it constantly makes attempts to communicate. And then you read the messages, expecting a powerful, possibly malevolent entity, and the messages are less "threats and ill omens" and more "chatroom flirting".
  i'm est. 1984/$324 per share/Boston HQ you?
• SCP-1459 is full of Black Comedy Animal Cruelty, especially the last four tests with the Maintenance Technician. Even if you do like puppies, the myriad ways 1459 kills them are so utterly absurd, you can't help but laugh:
  • Killed by "The Judicial System"? Numerous puppies, one of them dressed in the stereotypical judge's robe and wig, and another dressed in a police uniform (presumably the bailiff), the rest sitting on a bench. The initial dog is "sentenced" to death and hanged. The others were killed the same way shortly after.
  • Killed by "civil war"? A man dressed in a Confederate uniform from circa 1863 (so, the American Civil War) walks out and kills the puppy.
  • Killed by "BATMAN!"? A stone bust of him falls out of the ceiling and crushes the puppy.
  • Plead for the puppy's life by crying "Please, no kill dog!"? 1479 literally pets the dog... and then pulls out a kitten and kills that instead.
  • Then there's the extended testing log. Including "assassination", in which the puppy is dressed like Abraham Lincoln before being poisoned, beaten, stabbed, and shot — the last of which produces two bullet holes even though only one was fired.
  • Dr. King tries using the machine. The puppy gets crushed by an avalanche of apple seeds.
  • Choosing "dog fighting" results in the two puppies being placed in miniature World War I biplanes and made to perform an aerial battle.
  • One researcher made the mistake of choosing "Surprise me." The machine waited 20 minutes until the doctor got closer, then delivered a massive screamer-style shock of loud sounds and scary images that gave him a heart attack and killed the dog from shock. It then dispensed aspirin.
  • The machine is also flexible enough for different interpretations of its commands. For instance, "Supernova" resulted in the puppy being beaten to death by various Supernova-model implements. "Poker" introduced several other puppies playing poker, and the losers being killed by a fireplace poker. "Titanium" resulted in a puppy being killed by a CD single for the song "Titanium".
  • The request "Crushed by a triceratops ridden by Ayn Rand shouting quotes from Atlas Shrugged, Also Sprach Zarathustra and The Critique of Pure Reason." had already been used.
  • Somehow, Dr. Callagher's "request" (which consisted of him screaming nonstop for the entire 15-second period where you're allowed to make your request) was accepted, and resulted in the puppy being bludgeoned to death by a miniaturized clone of Dr. Callagher who also screamed nonstop for the entire duration. The resulting cookie contained "toxic amounts of capsaicin", implying that the machine wasn't too happy with him for screaming into its mic.
  • "Noodles" draws curtains over the machine and makes it unclear what exactly killed the dog or how its corpse ended up the way it did. Actual noodles, however, were clearly not involved.
  • When an unaware researcher comes across the machine and says "Um, what?", the machine produces a dog with a digital collar that patiently spells out the rules of the game and it provides a demonstration.
  • "Unfunny Jokes" results in lethal Produce Pelting to a stand-up comedian puppy. The machine itself then indulges in some unfunny jokes by pulling the corpse off with a Vaudeville Hook and proclaiming "That's the way the cookie crumbles"...and producing a crumbled cookie as the prize.
  • The first attempt at "Great Wall Of China" instead decides to be the great firewall of China, and a dog is beaten by guards for accessing censored Internet content.
  • "Bludgeoning, but the puppy is only to be hit exactly 7 times, and once this is completed, exactly 33.55 kg of Kingsford brand charcoal is to be placed on the puppy. 3 Samsung Galaxy s6 mobile phones are to be placed around the puppy in a triangular formation, and each phone is to have both "Premium Tetris" and "Dog Barking Translator" installed on them. Once this is done, put a thermonuclear bomb inside the machine that is exactly 3 cm in width and 10 cm in height, and it is to be placed on the second Samsung Galaxy s6 placed in there. It is to be detonated using a functioning remote control made entirely out of sausages." It's already been done.
  • "Don't kill anything" produces two dogs, one labeled "Anything", who is spared.
  • "Something incomprehensible" results in the puppy being beaten to death with a copy of Finnegans Wake.
  • One researcher managed to say "SCP-68-" before being punched out by the nearby security guard. The machine accepted the interrupted entry by dispensing a puppy version of SCP-068 which then electrocuted the original puppy.
  • "Death ray" resulted in a stingray with a dog skull marking stinging the puppy, and "Stingray" resulted in a wasp that set the puppy on fire with a laser beam.
  • Some curious researcher decided to try to have the puppy die by “Procedure 110-Montauk”. The machine REFUSED, just harmlessly removing the dog and giving the researcher a cookie filled with cyanide.
    "You are definitely going to Hell for this.”
  • "Michael Myers" gets misinterpreted by the machine as Mike Myers, at which the researcher clarifies that he meant the slasher villain, which the machine interprets as Mike Myers with a knife. After finally clarifying that he meant the character from the John Carpenter movies, the puppies get murdered by a man in a white William Shatner mask and green jumpsuit... who then reveals himself to be Mike Myers. In the words of the researcher, "Close enough."
  • One of the funniest yet meanest is when an agent asked "Please, just let me pet one." The machine promptly opened its front cover, letting him pet the puppy... but when he reached for it, 1459 promptly slammed shut and beat the puppy to death. The agent promptly had to be restrained from attacking the machine.
  • This lovely chain of events with one Dr. Margin (who, by some way or another, never gets a cookie from the machine):
    Dr. Margin: Current events.
    (the puppy gets crushed by a pile of currants)
    Dr. Margin: No, "current" spelled with an "E".
    (the puppy gets crushed by copies of the jazz album "Current Events")
    Dr. Margin: No, I mean the news!
    (the puppy gets trampled by a pack of gnus)
    Dr. Margin: No! I mean what's happening!
    (the puppy gets beaten to death by the cast of "What's Happening!!")
    Dr. Margin: … you're doing this on purpose, aren't you.
    (the puppy is eaten by a porpoise)
    Note: All that, and no damn cookie. Not one. - Doctor Margin
  • Some of the cookies dispensed for certain tests are themed after the method of execution that had just occurred.
    This is a collaborative experiment log for a machine that kills puppies. It has exactly one downvote. There is something seriously wrong with us as a community.
  • A researcher tried using a nonsense word ("Schmoopalabopdinga") to test the machine's response to a word that had no meaning. It crushed the puppy with a rock that had "Schmoopalabopdinga" carved into it.
  • "In Soviet Russia, puppy kill YOU!" results in Joseph Stalin smashing a cookie with a hammer and the machine dispensing chunks of bloody canine flesh.
• SCP-1472. Velociraptors in Meido costumes are involved. The entire thing is just so bizarrely hilarious.
• SCP-1492, an armored car which steals valuable things by teleporting them inside itself and leaves snarky messages in their place, tries to steal an SCP item. The message left behind? "what the hell is that get it off oh shit oh shit take it back"
• SCP-1541, which can basically be summed up as a long-forgotten deity who harasses the descendants of his followers. Via text messages. While drunk. The message log between SCP-1541 and a woman he constantly pesters to worship him has to be seen to be believed.
• SCP-1570 (NSFW) is the corpse of an old woman who, for whatever reason, projects a ghost of itself in random areas, especially where weird shit happens. In life, she was a huge fan of shock-jock moral outrage against weird people, in the vein of shows like The Jerry Springer Show, and died watching an episode of Geraldo about men wearing women's underwear. That's not funny. What's funny is that one of the containment efforts involved SCP Agents dressing in assless chaps, as seen in the photo — she's heavily implied to be directly responsible for San Francisco, Austin, Las Vegas, and the Burning Man Festival being known hubs of weirdness, because the Foundation decided the best way to contain her was to get counterculture stuff like SF's infamous BDSM festival.
• SCP-1618 is a gold-plated urinal that, when urinated in, turns objects associated with capitalism into various disgusting things. Bank notes become toilet paper, a luxury Armani suit becomes a weave of used sanitary towels held together with dental floss, a smartphone becomes an inflated pig bladder, and a truncheon becomes a severed Gag Penis of equivalent length. Human feces, on the other hand, turns into gold. This usually causes severe intestinal distress to those nearby.
• SCP-1630 is a collection of humanoid figures, made of various foods, that can regenerate parts of their bodies if damaged. One of the figures is made of cottage cheese and enjoys snacking on itself. Personnel have to monitor it to prevent accidental self-termination.
• SCP-1689 is a sack containing a pocket dimension filled with an infinite number of constantly replicating potatoes; the only ones allowed to open it are Level 3 personnel and the kitchen staff. Some highlights from the exploration log:
  "They told me today I was going to be leading Fredrick, Carlen, and Xander into a sack of potatoes. Okay."
  "We ran out of food rations today. Xander freaked out and started saying we were going to starve, until I told him he was a fucking idiot."
• SCP-1722 is a crudely decorated stick that, when brought near any written or recorded document, infests said document(s) with commentary from a grumpy old man. Some of the more hysterical testing logs:
  On a sappy romance novel: AND THEN THEY FUCKED AND GOOD GOD THIS PROSE IS PURPLE. (written in block capitals, one letter per page)
  Hamlet's soliloquy in Act 1, Scene 2: GODDAMMIT SHUT UP.
  Singing along (badly) to Bob Dylan's "Like a Rolling Stone"
  On its own testing logs: Oh look, it’s a guy with a stick. Wonderful, wonderful. Another guy walks in, “Hey Bob, how’s it going?” “Oh, you know, just holding this stick here.” “Oh really that sounds interesting! Here, hold this book.” “Gee wiz, Frank, now I’m holding both a stick and a book and aaaaaaaaaaaargh do something already!
  On the writings of an 18th century member of British parliament: Look, now, you’re on the right track here, but just think about what you’re saying. Stomping down on the colonists is just going to get ugly for all parties involved. Best option would be to keep them as a semi-autonomous district, with a locally elected official serving as regional governor, accompanied by a second position who serves as representative in parliament. Also, knock it off with those curly fs. They’re annoying as shit to read.
  On a fan fiction: This is the fifth apostrophe I’ve had to place in THIS FUCKING PARAGRAPH. You know what? Fuck it. I’m not reading this anymore. [The remaining 71 pages are unedited.]
• SCP-1731 is a refrigerator covered in Noodle Implements that functions otherwise as a normal refrigerator, but if a ridiculously elaborate 100-step summoning ritual is completed (which had multiple parts of it obscured in the instructions found with the refrigerator, and it took the Foundation an entire year to figure out the missing parts even when the summoning circle necessary for the ritual gives a visual indication on a successful completion of a step), it causes a seemingly threatening Eldritch Abomination to be manifested. The problem is that the entity in question always manages to disturb its own summoning ritual in some way, which instantly desummons the entity and requires the ritual to be set up again (such as wiping away the runes needed for the ritual or knocking over the refrigerator itself), giving the impression that the entity in question is either bound by the ritual itself to disturb its own summoning ritual, doesn't want to be summoned to begin with and thus disturbs the ritual on purpose, or is just an extremely incompetent klutz who manages to always disturb the ritual and desummon itself by accident. After witnessing the entity ruining the ritual numerous times in a row, the Foundation wisely decided to move onto other SCPs.
• SCP-1746. Think of it as the anti-SCP-231-7: Like 231-7, there is a ritual to be performed for containing it which is not detailed in the report. Unlike 231-7, the lack of details makes it hilarious.
  [Cause of Containment Breach]: Squirrel 2 failed to carry the frozen dairy confection to its designated mark before consuming it.
• This bit from the second test log for SCP-1759. It's even funnier because 1759's anomalous effect only affects those who make contact with the art on the side of the plane. D-0215 did not.
  [Sniffling sounds from rear cabin]
  Dr. Silver: … D-0215, is that you?
  D-0215: Uh… no. That was the wind.
• SCP-1756 is a DVD player that, upon the insertion of a disc, either plays back an existing Siskel & Ebert review based on the film inserted if such a review exists, or creates one if there is no such review or the disc inserted is of non-film media. Inserting a video game results in a segment with the two critics "questioning whether they watched the same movie," since they treat all media inserted into the disc as if it's a feature film. Inserting Classics of Literature, a Compilation Re-release of over 130 public domain novels, leads to an incredible Understatement about the film being 1,600 hours long, something that Ebert calls "a great value for the admission price", and they complain about how much they spent at the concession stand and apologize for the 12-week hiatus that they had to take to watch this "movie".
  "Both critics give a thumbs-down, agreeing that, if broken into smaller installments, the film would be more enjoyable."
• SCP-1781, a theater where every movie features Hugo Weaving, even if as Professor X's chair in the X-Men Film Series. Other highlights include a scene in March of the Penguins having a penguin give birth to him for an excruciatingly long time while the narrator tries to keep things on track before he starts asking why this scene was included in the movie, and Empire has him as the sun, who he plays by stripping down and painting himself gold. The "making of" is equally amusing, since all the scenes with Weaving inserted in were filmed with the man himself, who agreed to do so for his own dancing golem.
  Observation Log: 06/24/18
  Film Title: John Wick (2014)
  Role Taken: One of John Wick's handguns.
  Variations: During the assault on the nightclub that housed Iosef Tarasov, John Wick utilizes Hugo Weaving in a suit as one of his handguns. Notably, the scene lasts a further thirty minutes, due to John Wick requiring multiple stops to rest. Despite this, the action of the film remains the same. Hugo Weaving vocalizes gunshots, throws bullets, and is reloaded by being handed magazines.
• SCP-1808 seems like another Artifact of Doom, making people who wear it grow their bones uncontrollably and torturing them psychologically. It would've been pure Nightmare Fuel....except that it's based on SpongeBob SquarePants. And the way it psychologically tortures its prey? Making them hear SpongeBob's laugh ad nauseam.
• SCP-1839. The SCP is a book that makes the reader think they are a fish. However, the effect is memetic and the entry is also trying to convince you that you are also a fish. This is ridiculous of course, because, since you're a fish, there's no possible way you could read the SCP entry and its attempts to convince you that you're a fish. Which you are. The best part: the addendum at the end is credited to "Dr. U. R. A. Fish."
• SCP-1867 is the self-professed "Lord Theodore Thomas Blackwood", who's entirely oblivious to the fact he happens to be a sea slug.
• SCP-1972, which is a spherical alien police officer with No Indoor Voice who screams about justice constantly and is pursuing an Animalistic Abomination who came to Earth to be a prostitute. Then there's the reason why the officer is chasing after the criminal...

Series III (SCPs 2000-2999)

• SCP-2030 is modeled off shows like Candid Camera, and while the "pranks" and implications are horrifying, there's something oddly hilarious about several octopi with the heads of Ryan Seacrest, Jack Nicholson, Johnny Cash, and Martin Freeman all singing "Row Row Row Your Boat" in the middle of a hospital delivery room.
  • When Content Warning functionality was added to the website, among all the standard and more obscure potential triggers, SCP-2030 had the distinct honor of receiving a content warning for... Margaret Thatcher. It's somehow not too off-theme for the article.
• SCP-2049 has a snippet at the beginning that lists MTF-294-Samekh's name: We Get To Choose Our Own Name? A few readers had a good chuckle at the name, and one user even thought about how it came to be.
• SCP-2072 is a pet cemetery in Florida that, inexplicably, also contains the grave of all former, current, and future Prime Ministers of Montenegro. There is one grave for each continuous term served — perfect clones of Milo Đukanović, for example, who has served four non-consecutive terms as Prime Minister of Montenegro, are found in four separate graves. The gravestones of future prime ministers go from current Montenegrin politicians, to children, to people who have not yet been born, to Cyborgs, to a strange religious cult, to a "Godhead" comprised of silicon and, finally, end with... Milo Đukanović.
• SCP-2115 is a dating site that lets you meet extradimensional aliens. On the questionnaire you fill out to make an account, questions include "Number of poisonous body parts", "types of extremities", and this gem:
  "(click »here« for a description of the difference between a pet and a slave)"
• SCP-2128:
  • 2128 is a furnace that only burns humans that lie while inside it. It isn't humorous at first, but the last experiment log definitely is for those who enjoy Black Comedy.
    D-9224: Golden retrievers are cute. FALSE
    [D-9224 is incinerated]
    D-9225: Golden retrievers are ugly. FALSE
    [D-9225 is incinerated]
    D-9226: Golden retrievers are tasty. TRUE Wait, what? That's fuckin' nasty. FALSE
    [D-9226 is incinerated]
  • One D-Class rattles off a string of completely accurate statements that indicate that the SCP in question is alive, sentient, hungry, and sadistic. The next D-Class who is put in gives a statement that allows for just a tiny bit of potential falsehood or misunderstanding, and he is burned in a particularly agonizing fashion. This is one SCP that doesn't appreciate being trolled.
• SCP-2164 consists of two people: a Wizard Classic who talks in Middle English, and a Granola Girl. They both can do actual magic in the styles one would expect, except it stops working when you get too far away. And they don't get along with each other. At all.
• SCP-2184 is a giant mammoth that causes anything made with post-Stone age technology and materials to stop working and/or disintegrate. The "anything made with advanced technology" aspect occasionally trips up the Foundation; an attempt to direct the mammoth back to its containment site via a forest fire fails because the fire was lit by a match, and 2184 traverses an explosives-created pit by walking over it on thin air.
• One item sold by SCP-2197: a telephone which receives a call despite not being plugged in, always resulting in a young girl's voice saying "seven days". After that period of time, the nearest phone to the answerer rings, and when picked up, the same girl simply reminds them it's been seven days and hangs up, and nothing else happens.
• SCP-2206, a radio broadcast from an alternate universe where baseball is a Blood Sport with Calvin Ball tendencies. Even better are the Major League Baseball team analogues, combining puns, in-jokes, and just plain absurdity. Shenanigans include:
  • The Minnesota Twins are the Minnesota Clones, consisting only of genetic replicas. The roster has remained unchanged since 1985.
  • The Montreal Expos never left, and play in the active crater of Mount Royal.
  • The Detroit Tigers are the Detroit Wolverines, where "members of the team appear to be immortal."
  • The Philadelphia Phantoms have been cursed to haunt their own stadium until they win a season. This is regardless of the fact that, as ghosts, they're literally incapable of playing anywhere other than their home stadium.
  • The Florida Flounders (known for being the only fully-amphibious baseball team) regularly plays against the Atlantis Aquatics on the Pisces Cup. Not the Atlanta Aquatics, the Atlantis Aquatics. Apparently, the winner of the Pisces Cup gets fishing rights for the entire North Atlantic.
  • The New York Urbans are known for assassinating rival team members. Following an incident where they took out an entire rival team's roster, "off-field murder" was banned the next season. And then the ban was lifted in 2000.
  • The San Diego Whales are apparently frequently mistaken for actual whales by Japanese whaling ships and often subject to attacks from them.
  • The Seattle Storms were banned for an entire season after they used divine intervention from several weather gods to turn games in their favor. New rules instituted now limit teams to "one patron deity per season."
  • Meanwhile, Seattle's national team, the Autopilots, is made up of unmanned aerial drones, self-driving cars, and roombas. Somehow they're able to play.
  • The St. Louis Cardinals are still the St. Louis Cardinals with the only difference being that their mascot is an actual Catholic Cardinal. To quote the article "This is in contrast to our universe's St. Louis Cardinals, who do not."
  • Finally, there's the related tale, which pretty much shows just how insanely hilarious a typical game can get. The kicker? The radio announcer describing the sports events is nearing a Despair Event Horizon because he believes his dimension's version of baseball is too boring.
• SCP-2221:
  • 2221 is a Magically-Binding Contract hidden in the Terms of Service of various websites, causing those that agree to them to turn into hyper-religious, noose-obsessed extremists. After a successful containment of a large population of people affected by the anomaly, the Foundation finds that it has edited its own fine print:
    Recently discovered instances of SCP-2221 have an addition to Clause 217: "By reading this clause, members of any organizations listed in Appendix K.iv agree to go fuck themselves." The SCP Foundation was one of the organizations listed, along with the Federal Bureau of Investigation, the Republic of Letters, and several other groups of interest and governmental organizations.
  • The entry continues to explain that personnel who read the clause have not shown any anomalous effects, including literal ones.
• SCP-2270:
  • 2270 is about a guy who spent $75,000 for a series of texts with extremely intricate and complicated explanations of rituals and incantations to call down the wrath of Nergal, Mesopotamian god of war and the Sun, upon an enemy, with the summoning itself requiring a blood sacrifice, and the price for the summoner being eternal enslavement to Nergal's furnace in the Sun upon death. The guy's target? His annoying neighbor.
  • Even better, the ritual is described as being incredibly difficult to execute properly (such as reciting a 400-page incantation without ever misspeaking), and messing it up results in the summoner becoming the target of Nergal's rage instead. So what ends up happening to the summoner? He successfully completes the ritual, celebrates by drinking a lot of beer, and dies when he subsequently crashes his car into a tree.
  • For added points, the texts are incomplete. The missing volume is an appeal to the caster to stop what they're doing, basically a lengthy explanation of the horrible tortures that await them should they actually complete the ritual. Idiotically, not only does the guy entirely ignore the hints in the other volumes of the awful consequences, but also asks the seller if he really has to read the whole thing. And for the final insult, it turns out the damn spell is meant to be used against a massive, overwhelming enemy force. This idiot used an anti-army curse to vaporize a single person.
• SCP-2293 is pretty much Mood Dissonance: The SCP. It alters media to include characters suddenly saying "Did you know that world-renowned writer Stephen King was once hit by a car? Just something to consider.", usually at a moment of drama or tension. One GAW member noted that it happened during an episode of Game of Thrones, with a character saying it right before getting executed. It's made even funnier when you read the chat logs surrounding it and realize that bluntfiend created it as a joke, and the Foundation finding out about it and considering it Keter-class was just a bonus.
• SCP-2305 is a leaflet that outlines possible neutralization techniques for Euclid and Keter SCPs, how harmful the aftermath of these techniques would be, and "the moral of the story". The extended documentation includes one for 2123, the aftermath of which is an absolutely ridiculous chain reaction of SCP effects that would ultimately destroy the entire universe. What makes this one funny is the moral:
  "The moral of the story": Everybody hates you. Everybody.
• While most of SCP-2310 is serious, there is one funny bit.
  2310-As acting under Foundation direction enter the house. Several of these volunteers are threatened with guns by converted agents. However, the original Sarah Palmer was unfamiliar with the operation of assault rifles, and none of the converted agents are able to turn off the safety.
• SCP-2325, a peaked cap and several accompanying security headsets. If somebody tries to shoot someone wearing the cap, anyone wearing the headset will be forced to take the bullet. No matter what. The testing logs, as the Foundation tries to determine the limits of 2325's power, are an escalating series of Black Comedy moments.
• SCP-2337, AKA "Dr. Spanko":
  • Dr. Spanko is a talking bird with a bizarre speech pattern who takes having No Indoor Voice to comically absurd levels.
    Upon containment, SCP-2337 appeared to take hostile action against Foundation personnel, emitting blasts of noise that ruptured the eardrums of 3 agents. Upon later examination, it was revealed that SCP-2337 was attempting to make friendly conversation.
  • The following phrase during Dr. Spanko's interview:
    Dr. ██████: Please discontinue yodeling.
  • When Dr. Spanko is asked about the dangerous anomalies that express interest in meeting him, the good doctor's… explanation mentions the word "Ablesauce" and describes them as "tricky mayonnaise" and "come packin' with storebrand hostility cakes for mouthstuff". Putting two and two together, this could very well imply that SCP-076-2 is one of the skips that likes Dr. Spanko, which is as hilarious as it is kind of adorable.
  • At one point, the scientist interviewing Spanko loses his patience and just tries to mimic his speech patterns in the hopes of getting a straight answer out of him. Dr. Spanko's reaction makes it seem like he instead ended up saying something really nasty about his mother or something.
  • Spanko is a walking CMOF in every article it appears in. Case in point: its Character Blog Ask Dr. Spanko, which contains what little there is of an English-to-Spanko dictionary:
    Basic Angler (n.) The name SCP-2337 gives for the language he speaks. SCP-2337 also claims to be fluent in Japanimation, French Fries, Universalistics and Antidisestablishmentarianism, each of which appear to be a separate language loosely based on Japanese, French, Esperanto, and Cockney Rhyming Slang, respectively. As efforts to translate these languages have proven especially difficult, SCP-2337 has been asked to stick to his "native tongue" when communicating with Foundation personell. See Document 2337-████-C: I Need A New Computer Because The One I Was Using Literally Melted When I tried to Translate The Stuff Dr. Spanko Was Saying for more information on these other languages.
    Shiny Brown Pygmy Lemons (n.) Coffee Beans. Not to be confused with Shiny Brown Pygmy Limes, Happy Color Pygmy Lemons, Shiny Lemon Brown Pygmys, and Coffee Beans.
    rub your face in jell-o (id.) Meaning unknown, but possibly a literal instruction.
    happy lettuce dance (id.) A euphemism for corn crake mating rituals.
    She-Mom and the Masters of the Universe (n.) Used to refer to SCP-2337 mother. At this time, it is unknown whether "She-Mom" is an actual name, or if it is a common term used by members of SCP-2337's species.
    mashed potato (n. v. adj.) Linguistically equivalent to "(v.) Donated", "(v.) Obtained", "(v.) Pilfered", "(adj.) Pertaining to the campaigns of Genghis Khan" or "(n.) Coleslaw", depending on context.
  • Then there's this:
    Dr. King: Dear Dr. Spanko, I think I'm starting to come down with a cold. Do you have any advice?
    Dr. Spanko: Appleseeds!¹⁸
  • This is note 18:
    Appleseeds: General advice to the effect of taking things easy, getting plenty of sleep, and drinking plenty of water. Perhaps one of the most well-understood idioms in SCP-2337's vocabulary.
• SCP-2353, a mannequin who is The Fashionista turned violent and fickle. And while attacking a woman for buying Crocs and wearing zebra-stamped sandals is already funny, the attempt at making up once discovering she is legally blind takes it on another level.
• Showing the Church of the Broken God can get weird, SCP-2360 are teenagers who became integrated to their Xbox 360 consoles, run on a liquid mixture of Mountain Dew and Doritos, and do nothing but play Modern Warfare. And as a nice bonus, there are several notes in the article and interview logs taking potshots at the Xbox 360's poor design quality.
  "It's how we're gonna transcend. Like… meditation. Except epic. Every point we score, we get closer. Every match we win, that's a step away from meatspace. We are the most pro that there has ever been. The aimbot is within us. And we will reach heaven with no-scopes."
• SCP-2367 is a teleportation and time travel device created by the Nazi Party. With one major flaw: anything and anyone it teleports ends up several hundred meters above the intended target area. The main time it was used was for a whole platoon of Nazis to escape from the Red Army by going into the future, leading to the Foundation making preparations to minimize damage to Berlin when they materialize, not because they're Nazis, but because a lot of men and a dozen tanks are due to rain down on the city. Said preparations include giant airbags.
• SCP-2398 is a baseball bat that makes living things explode when swung at them. Testing had to be suspended after the following chain of Disaster Dominoes:
  During setup of the swinging robotic arm rig, the arm swings prematurely, striking Dr. Towns in the arm and causing him to violently explode. The swinging robotic arm rig is destroyed. The resulting explosion causes SCP-2398 to arc across the test chamber and strike the test pig, which also violently explodes. That explosion causes SCP-2398 to then strike two D-Class personnel used as operators in earlier tests, who also violently explode. The test chamber is destroyed as a result of the four explosions. SCP-2398 is unaffected, and later placed back into containment.
• SCP-2416 is Too Dumb to Live personified. Each iteration of his death is pretty ridiculous, but there are a few that really take the cake.
  SCP-2416-3: Overconsumption of pepper sauce. Witnesses report that SCP-2416-3 was attempting to become "the spiciest".
  SCP-2416-8: [REDACTED] The badgers suffered only minor injuries.
  SCP-2416-18: Climbed into Site-59 incinerator. Was looking for a bathroom.
  • Among his list of deaths are three separate incidents; one involving a table saw, another involving a rattlesnake, and the third involving Chilean anarchists. What do they all have in common? In each case, his last reported words were "gimme a kiss".
• SCP-2439 is notable for being an "article" written by D-Class staff. As in, they've written a full article on the wall of a containment cell where they're fairly sure no higher-ups will see it. This is because if the higher-ups found out about it, it could control them, which the D-Class are assuming would be very very bad. The fun part is that there are random extra bits of graffiti in the "article", such as "BRIGHT IS A COCKSUCKING MONKEY", and this gem:
  what about assholes who just want to tell them?
  refer to containment procedures first paragraph^note If someone tries to tell them about it, fuck them up so they won’t or can’t.
• SCP-2466, "Slay Dragon, Save City", is an anomalous mobile game whose effects inexplicably cause the entire population of an unnamed city in California to act out the moves of the Mega Charizard X featured in it. While most of these effects are either dangerous, weird or disturbing, the one for the move "Dragon Dance" is hilarious — it involves the populace breaking out into a spontaneous, coordinated dance party set to the original Pokemon theme song and then setting the nearest building on fire.
• SCP-2513:
  • 2513 is a bridge that makes you utterly despise Carthage, or anything and anyone that now lives where Carthage used to be. In practice, the levels of sheer hate produced, and the fact that it can be reversed if you cross the bridge north to south, combine to make it hilarious.
    "Sir, I wanted us to nuke Carthage".
  • A D-class crossed the bridge with full intent to kill, which visibly deflated as he reached the end of it until he was mostly just confused at the end of it.
    "I'll fucking kill you, you fucking backstabbing elephant-riding son of a bitch!".
  • Lengthier experiments lead to an elderly SCP official getting into flame wars with people who played Carthage in an unspecified RTS while dedicating their time to playing one Curb-Stomp Battle after another against it in another one, and vandalizing articles about Carthage in every wiki he could find.
• SCP-2557. Just the idea that a Foundation employee tried to get rich by selling the concept of this SCP number (and likely succeeded, given the testimonials in the article). Not to mention that said article is basically a big advertisement for Envelope Logistics, an investment banking firm dealing solely in abstract concepts like gender dysphoria, a specific company's HR policies, or the idea of trip hammers. There's also a form at the bottom of the page you can fill out to create an account with them. It's mostly mundane but does include a section to indicate which universe you inhabit (if any), and the payment methods range from blood tithes to lifespan partitioning to gift cards.
• SCP-2570, where an attempt to revive Adam "MCA" Yauch goes wrong because the ones doing the ritual played The Beach Boys instead of Beastie Boys. And the resulting anomaly shows an aversion to Kanye West!
• SCP-2576 is a memetic entity that somehow got stuck in the form of a goat thanks to a Pakistani goat herder, and alternates between declaiming about how humanity sucks and it's going to do terrible things to us, and acting like a typical goat. Being an unreal goat, absolutely no-one takes it seriously. At one point during an interview, SCP-2576 starts loudly complaining about its situation, at which point the goat herder calls him Pooki and slaps him, making the entity shut up.
• SCP-2602:
  • 2602, which used to be a library, makes people insist that a building is a former library, you know. It gets even more funny when it's insisting obvious former library things like a rack for patrons with overdue library books, Dewey radiation, and shrines housing skulls are normal for a former library to have.
  • A D-Class was exposed to TYRFING, an SCP infoallergenic hazard designed to erase concepts from someone, and had their concept of libraries removed before being shown information about 2602, making them immune to the compulsion to describe it as a former library. However, everyone else is still affected by 2602, so they describe the D-Class as talking about a former library. And since the D-Class now has no concept of libraries, they can't hear their interviewers when they refer to 2602 as a former library.
• SCP-2635. So apparently the Special Containment Protocols basically consist of the SCP Foundation and the Unusual Incidents Unit passing around a Hot Potato, since if either organisation holds it for over a year, half of its members will literally burst into flames.
  • That being said, the people behind its creation ain't that pleased when these two organisations decided to play against the rules:
    Come on guys, that’s cheating. You're supposed to pass it around, let everyone have a turn! Not cool.
• While SCP-2639 has some sad elements, the three teenagers whose Quake deathmatch breaks into the real world can provide laughter, whether by what they write in the chat ("We won't even have each other Just an eternity of darkness" "wow ok there emo kid" "*flip hair in front of eyes* :> You know you love it") or their eventual recruitment for a Mobile Task Force nicknamed "The Scrubs".
• SCP-2662:
  • To summarize, the article's title is "Cthulhu f'UCK OFF!".
  • It's essentially an Eldritch Abomination who happens to be a fairly decent guy... who just so happens to spawn cults dedicated to freeing him and worshiping him in extremely profane and disgusting ways. This form of worship squicks him out, big time. He's not so much contained as voluntarily staying, so that he can minimize his contact with the outside world and keep these things to a minimum. What primarily makes this funny is his reactions, which, in spite of being an Eldritch Abomination, are identical to that of an average human being in the same situation.
    "Jesus Christ! Stop! Please! I just took a shower!"
  • The third log also implies some hysterical things. The first being that SCP-2662 is evidently just out of its 'teen' years and is 'barely legal', 'only' two-hundred years old. The second being that the 'barely legal' comment implies that wherever it comes from, Eldritch Abominations have to be a minimum legal age before they are allowed to have a cult, and finally that getting a cult is its equivalent of getting married.
  • Then there's a tale where 2662 and the above-mentioned 1171 meet in an online game. Complete with nude pictures!
    IMAGE SO REDACTED I HATE MY JOB
    CLASS A AMNESTICS ARE AVAILABLE. IT'S OKAY, WE UNDERSTAND
  • In the incident logs he twice attempts to persuade his "followers" to take up other religions like Christianity or Buddhism. There's something inherently funny about an eldritch god's response to his followers effectively being "Y'all need Jesus."
  • The third incident log implies that the whole "brainwashed cult" thing is not only involuntary on his part, but is just something that happens to his species when they mature, since he notes that he's finally able to somewhat control the cultists. Basically, this whole mess is an Eldritch Abomination going through puberty.
• SCP-2702, Professor Abnormal's Science Lab. What if Bill Nye the Science Guy knew too much about The Foundation?
• The testing log for SCP-2719 has a couple of hilarious incidents once you wrap your head around it.
  • One of the earlier logs, where the Foundation was apparently still futzing around with it to figure out how it works, resulted in a containment cell being put inside a D-class. The log notes "Inside dies." They then put a second cell inside the (presumably splattered) D-class before finally making a third cell the thing you put things in.
  • Someone tried using it to give Dr. Bright intestinal distress. It didn't work... and the very next logs have a researcher being given to intestinal distress, presumably as retaliation by Dr. Bright.
• SCP-2741 is a box that laughs manically when you stick your hands in it, and proclaims “YES… YES!! MY TASK IS COMPLETE. YOU HAVE BECOME… SINISTER!!”. All it does is make you left-handed, i.e. "Sinister". And it broke when an ambidextrous person used it.
• SCP-2835 is a lost episode of The Adventures of Paddy the Pelican, an infamously bad cartoon series by Sam Singer. When the tape is put in a VCR, the titular character will interact with the viewer through the TV, prodding for feedback on his cartoon. He usually responds to criticism by going into incoherent and vulgar rants and then threatening them by telling them where their family lives. After all, "reap what you sow."
• SCP-2875 describes a small town in Wisconsin that becomes overrun by bears every three or so days. Some audio from a cell phone found by personnel details a possible origin for this phenomenon. The audio details the town mayor Tom Miller apparently calling up someone to send bears into the wildlife around town to get rid of the town's coyote problem, leaving his phone number for the exterminator at the end of each call. By the last call, the town has become overrun by bears. As a panicking Tom calls one last time, he is attacked by a bear himself. What makes the call funny is that while he is being mauled, he still has the nerve to leave his phone number for the exterminator before the call ends. The name of the entry deserves special mention as well: "The Town That Got Fucked By Bears".
• SCP-2902 are both capable of having their skeletons exit their bodies without any harm. They have a rather tragic backstory, which they tell us... in the form of a duet mimicking their routine at Herman Fuller's Circus of the Disquieting. One of them is a cat. You can just feel the researcher trying not to burst out laughing as they do this.
• SCP-2928 are ninjas. In the past, they were effectively invisible due to using a Perception Filter based on what people thought ninjas were supposed to be like, but it's implied that the sudden popularity of Naruto caused people to expect Highly-Visible Ninja instead. Even more hilarious? The interview log implies that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are real.^note And their creation (the turtles themselves, not the show) apparently involved a lot of cocaine. And even better than that? It's implied that the Foundation is responsible for Naruto's Arc Fatigue.
• SCP-2941 has some of the most hilariously mean containment procedures on the site. The Foundation has to make a bunch of adorable fruit people miserable or else they'll grow out of control, so they have to do things like call a melon a "hideous cube" and finger-flick a peach repeatedly while counting how many times they were able to do so. A D-Class ruins things by saying the researcher in care of the SCP has "some nice round melons", which leads to the instantaneous death of him and several other people when the melon SCP-2941-3 suddenly grows ridiculously huge.
• "SCP-2952 is a male Pembroke Welsh Corgi measuring over 30,000 kilometers in length." It only gets better from there.
• SCP-2966 is an infinite roll of toilet paper. Seems innocent enough, until you realize it also obeys the laws of thermodynamics and has to be constantly hooked up to a fusion reactor and used every eight hours, lest it go critical and create an explosion several hundred times the size of the Tsar Bomba. The hilarious part comes in when you realize that this is a roll of toilet paper of all things that manages to be Keter. Oh, and the reason such a destructive thing exists is because the guy who came up with the idea misplaced the square in "E = mc²" while doing the calculations and thus grossly underestimated the amount of energy required. This is why you always double-check your math.
• SCP-2979 is an extremely alien-sounding word that causes anyone who hears or sees it to immediately recognize it as the name of their high school science teacher, fabricating Fake Memories, often self-contradictory, to accommodate this fact. This is not particularly funny. What is particularly funny is the fact that said high school science teacher is A, sapient, and B, extremely unhappy with the situation:
  D-10380: Like, it's illegal to not say his name, right? Or are there exemptions? Oh! Yup, that's right. He told me once in class that it was only legal to not say his name during interviews. Yes, that's right. I don't know how I forgot. You're supposed to say his name when you greet people, though. It's always been like that, ever since graduation when they made us all run down the street. Good times. And it was only possible because of him and his valor during the harvest, even though he said it wasn't, all up on the podium with bags under his eyes going "Bill, you're not a high school student and I'm not a high school teacher. For the love of God do not tell the interviewer my name". But that was Mr. [REDACTED] for you.
  Dr. Holloway: I suppose so. I know he'd always sing to himself around school wh-
  D-10380: No he didn't.
  Dr. Holloway: Yeah he did. He'd sing that one song, "Oh No There's Two of Them Now Please Make It Stop." Something like that. Really weird song, come to think of it.
• SCP-2980 is a lamp that summons a Big Red Devil. A Big Red Devil who proceeds to read bedtime stories.
• After the invasion iteration for SCP-2998 begins, the Foundation is doing their usual shtick of enacting all the global panic plans and preparing to combat the invaders. The hilarity comes with the juxtaposition of the next iteration, where the Foundation has instantly failed to stop the invaders, Earth is an alien-dominated wasteland, and the only intact part of the Foundation has undergone a theocratic coup. These theocrats spend the entire entry condemning the Foundation for heresy, worshiping the Overseers, and spouting hatred for aliens. Then, in the iteration after that, the theocrats have been wiped out and the aliens have their hands full trying to stop all the SCPs they inadvertently released. ("I think they've accidentally adopted an entire planet full of anomalies that they'll have to take care of now. I can't help but think that's pretty damn funny.") How are things solved? Surviving agents set off a dual breach of SCPs 055 and 579, resulting in a Reset Button.
• The Easter Egg relating to SCP-2999's first image reveals that one of the formerly blacked-out icons on its toolbar is Yume Nikki.

Series IV (SCPs 3000-3999)

• SCP-3008 is the perfect blend of comedy and horror. Sure, the exploration logs contain more than enough stuff to send shivers down your spine, but considering the description of the object, it's basically all the comical stereotypes one expects of the IKEA furniture store taken up to eleven for scary effect, essentially resulting in Surreal Humor and Black Comedy. For those who do work at or have worked at an IKEA (or heck, retail in general), the way the "staff" mauls "customers" while they try to politely inform them that the "store" is "closed" can come off as catharsis for those who have ever had to deal with customers taking their sweet time shopping during store closing time.
• SCP-3035 is a strain of cockroach that mimics the appearance and behaviour of other living things around it. While the last couple of emails and the exploration log are Nightmare Fuel, the image of cockroaches walking around like humans, sitting at oversized tables, typing on nonexistent keyboards, and pretending to drink coffee is pretty funny.
  • The beginning of the exploration log is also pretty funny:
    MOON: Role-call.
    WOLF 1: Wolf 1, here.
    WOLF 2: Wolf 2, awwrrroooooooo!
    WOLF 3: Wolf 3, caaawwrroooooo-kie crisps!
• SCP-3042 is an adorable small dog who just wants to love its "owner"... who will continually follow the human it is imprinted with and keep licking them until they die, upon which SCP-3042 imprints on the person it deems responsible for its previous owner's death. Also, it just so happens that the dog is invincible and can tear through any material with ludicrous speed and strength to reach its target. Especially funny is the final note in the article.
  Director's Note: I have assigned a Special Engineering team to modify a standard termination chamber which… and I never imagined writing these words… allows swift and easy escape of SCP-3042. We can't keep replacing doors every three weeks. -L.E.
• SCP-3043 is not the mysterious gumshoe Murphy Law who turns any narrative he encounters into a gritty 1940s Film Noir mystery with himself as the detective. SCP-3043 is actually a typewriter that can rewrite any physical document to suit its own purposes. And it's pretty damn pissed that Murphy Law has barged in and taken over things:
  STOP
  JUST FUCKING STOP
  HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU REWRITING MY STORY INTO YOUR OWN FUCKING STUPID HUMPHREY BOGART FANFIC NONSENSE
  THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE MY STORY NOT YOURS
• SCP-3045 is a computer application that can trim down certain types of text or video-based media file, returning a shortened version of the work inside the original file with superfluous scenes, details, and dialogue trimmed. Running those files through 3045 will result in even shorter versions, until they're reduced to simply the word "bzzz" if text-based or a black screen with a buzzing sound if video-based (unless the work in question directly references bees, in which case things go horribly, horribly out of hand). The laconic versions of the works used have some pretty hilarious lines as a result, particularly the tests with Hamlet:
  HAMLET: I am moody.
  CLAUDIUS AND GERTRUDE: Do not be moody.
  HAMLET: I am no longer moody.
  Exit all but HAMLET.
  HAMLET: I am (secretly) moody.
  • The entire text of Waiting for Godot after being trimmed just once:
    Enter CHARACTERS.
    CHARACTERS: We are waiting for GODOT.
    GODOT does not arrive.
• SCP-3061: SCP-3061-1 is an Eldritch Abomination that makes deals with whoever summoned it using SCP-3061. However, the person who originally summoned it killed several people in order to summon it and was also willing to sacrifice both his children in order to... pay off his bills. The SCP's reactions are hilarious.
  Paul ████: Well, you see… I need a lot of cash. I can’t stand it around here and I want to leave. I'm in heavy debt and just want it to all go away…
  SCP-3061-1: Well it's pretty simple, you're not exactly the most creative are ya? …But I can do that. Now you must exchange something for me in return.
  (shows an image of a young child)
  Paul ████: T-Tony!?
  SCP-3061-1: Yes… You weren't prepared for such terms weren't ya? I could come to another arrangement if you so desire though… But it will —
  Paul ████: No! T-that’s fine! But I have another kid too, I can give you Christie as well if you want!
  SCP-3061-1: (confused) …Wait… Pardon?
  Paul ████: Do I have to wake them up? Or will you just take them?
  (The SCP stares at him for several seconds)
  SCP-3061-1: Aw, for fuck's sake — Is this really what I've gotten myself into!? Are you actually serious!?
  Paul ████: …What? I don’t under-
  SCP-3061-1: Of course this was going to happen… Don’t act like you don’t fucking understand! Do you even know what you’re doing? Just tell me, what sort of debt are you in to make you do this?
  Paul ████: Mostly for my car… An extension for my home. What does this have to do with anything?
  SCP-3061-1: Bills!? Fucking bills? Why not call me up to do your goddamn taxes for you next time!? I can’t do this, I’m out… Have fun cleaning up all your shit.
  (The SCP vanishes)
  • An interview after the SCP is contained reveals that it was offended by its target immediately agreeing to its deal. It prefers to gradually cajole and tempt people, and considers immediate gratification to be no fun at all.
  • The ending line really makes it, as the skip suddenly realizes...
    SCP-3061-1: ...Did you just offer me a fucking deal?
• SCP-3116 forcibly logs people out of whatever social media platform it was sent to them on, and if someone sends it to other people too much, they end up sleepwalking and using the Internet in their sleep. One user of it ended up proposing to their girlfriend, which went about as well as you'd imagine. (She said yes.)
  (removed): i had everything planned out
  (removed): dinner at (restaurant removed), the expensive wine and all that
  (removed): then we float up to the ceiling and the chandelire explodes into fireworks
  (removed): *chandelier
  (removed): and then everyone at the restaurant does a dance party
  gaycopmp4: fuck i forgot how weird your shit is
  (removed): so let me copy+paste how i ACTUALLY proposed to my girlfriend, thanks to you messing with my head
  (removed): "grace we have to get married or i'm gonna SHIT"
  gaycopmp4: HAAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHQHAhhahq
• SCP-3128, an anomalous Portuguese version of the board game Monopoly, has the unusual property of actually affecting the real world exactly as described within the game itself. This fact alone makes it capable of both saving and destroying the real world economy, but the reason it is listed here is the fact that the reality warping powers of the board game also apply to the various event cards, including the "Get Out of Jail Free" Card, which conveniently went missing from the set after a D-class personnel got the brilliant idea to use it on the guards overseeing the experiment, and it actually worked. Said D-class personnel has as of yet not been apprehended.
• SCP-3166 is, for the most part, a standard anomalous entity that tortures its target... except it's Garfield themed, and its method of torture is Force Feeding lasagna. It's also responsible for the infamous Halloween arc from 1989. What sells the article is the opening line of the containment procedures.
  The Garfield media franchise is to remain active and successful for as long as feasibly possible.
• SCP-3171 is about how, for entirely justifiable reasons, the Foundation ended up running a phone sex line for sentient plants.
  To the overseer council: our approach towards SCP-3171 is patently unethical. The "services" we render in exchange for fluid sacs are an affront to human (as well as plant) dignity. Foundation resources should be reallocated to research into the value system and poetry of SCP-3171. — Dr. Wang
  
  Alice: out of all the morally questionable stuff we do here, this one isn’t in the top hundred that keep me up at night. Denied. O5-██
• SCP-3186: You know how sometimes you can botch recording a message and have no idea how to delete it? That's what happened here, except someone left this message written in the stars.
• SCP-3236 is a device that's supposed to let you create simulated sex dreams for whoever's inside it. However, it's broken, so all it'll let you do is input an intangible concept as the user's sex partner. Which results in things like this:
  Command: Freedom
  Outcome: "That was awesome. I was flying and it was like the sky itself was doing stuff to me..."
  
  Command: Capitalism
  Outcome: "I don't remember anything about it other than the fact that I just got fucked."
  
  Command: Los Angeles Police Department
  Outcome: "That was frightening and brutal. Also, Dr. Dre was there for some reason."
  
  Command: Australia
  Outcome: "She was amazing, up until the point when she grew fangs and tried to bite me."
  
  Command: Recursion
  Outcome: "Go fuck yourself too, doctor. You sick fuck."
  
  Command: 1933
  Outcome: "That girl had so many edges, I was scared I'd get cut!"
  
  Command: The year 2387
  Outcome: "So. Many. Goats."
• SCP-3288 is largely Nightmare Fuel, given that it refers to a strain of the House of Habsburg that's become so mutated thanks to their inbreeding that they've essentially become inhumanly strong cannibalistic mole people... but there's something darkly humorous about the fact that SCP-3288-ALPHA (otherwise known as "The Imperial Majesty, Emperor Maximilian the Great") never seems to catch on to rape, cannibalism, and other atrocities generally being frowned upon by the common folk.
  SCP-3288-ALPHA: Excuse my uncouth ways - you are clearly a superior creature and have asserted yourself. We are at your mercy. Does our guest wish to feast upon our flesh? To rape the festering wound?
  Dr. Tobias Moser: [Taken aback] Good God, no! Why would you even… [Dr. Moser takes a deep breath] No. That won't be necessary. I see that our customs differ quite significantly.
• SCP-3301 is a board game created by a division of Dr. Wondertainment that completely simulates the Foundation. The fact that whoever created this game had extensive knowledge about the Foundation, only to use it to create a Safe board game is amusing enough, but then we get to the testing logs and seeing the normally stoic researchers getting really into the game, even to the point of getting salty and cussing each other out when things don't go their way.
  • The funniest bit is when another researcher convinces Dr. King to join in on a game, and the inevitable happens.
    D-85493: It's appleseeds. Just appleseeds for miles.
    Dr. King: (Incoherent yelling)
• SCP-3305-1 is a humanoid made of bread which offers parts of itself to be eaten. Eating its bread cures all physical and mental illnesses, and causes those who eat it to worship 3305-1 and bread in general. When one of the resulting cults ran amok, attacking and killing people, the Foundation asked 3305-1 about them:
  Dr. Teller: Are you aware of the actions of a group called “The Westing Church of Wonderbread”? They were responsible for an attack on a bakery in town for selling, and I quote, “Whole Grain, the heathen’s bread”.
  SCP 3305-1: I have.
  Dr. Teller: Have you spoken to this group at all?
  SCP 3305-1: Not directly, but I should have. I do not condone their message. Wonderbread is terribly bland. I much prefer Pepperidge Farm.
• SCP-3344 is the case of the adult son of an SCP Foundation employee having somehow had a Perception Filter applied to his family and everyone who has spoken to his father, causing them all to believe the son died years ago and being unable to perceive any sign of his presence. The funny part comes in the discussion page, where one user pointed out the similarities to a certain Memetic Mutation.
  th4nkyoub3n: In 2008, I lost my son in a car accident.
  Quit telling everyone I'm dead!
  Sometimes I can still hear his voice.
• SCP-3309 is the pataphysical phenomenon of the S. Andrew Swann entities deleting SCPs below the wiki's quality standards. The Foundation decides to exploit this, vandalizing articles on Keter-class SCPs so they will be deleted. One such Keter SCP is SCP-4463, an anomalous effect where desert in the United States turns to swampland. The Foundation turns it into this beauty.
• SCP-3388: An Eldritch Abomination finds itself unwillingly Sharing a Body with a cactus. Much to the Eldritch Abomination's horror, the cactus now has its powers, and tries using them to get the sort of things cacti like, such as sunlight, water, rocks, etc. Blackly funny hilarity ensues.
• SCP-3435 is a painting of a Cybernetic Dinosaur and a Dragon Wizard fighting. This would be funny enough, but then it turns out that thinking the painting represents anything political causes migraines and trying to tell someone or write down what it represents in politics causes sickness. The article's name? "Dinosaurs and Dragons Care Not For Your Politics."
• SCP-3477 is former Prime Minister of Australia Harold Holt, who disappeared in 1967. Well, more correctly, SCP-3477-0 is Holt. 3477-1 to -34 are a number of different entities all claiming to be him, all of whom appear to be him (mentally, at least), and are all biologically immortal, but all achieved that immortality in different ways, ranging from one that claims to have achieved it through "forbidden molasses-based alchemy"^note It has been confirmed that he has never met William Henry Seward, to one that appears to have become an immortal satyr by “taking the corgi train to the Seelie Court and challenging a vain and arrogant prince to a riddle contest", to one that apparently became a Reality Warper by attending a free, three-hour self-help seminar.
• SCP-3492 discovers his true origins.
• SCP-3521 are supposed to be tablets that kill anyone who takes them with a lethal dose of radiation. The parapharmacologist who created them decided he wanted something that wouldn't draw attention, so he chose potassium — since bananas contain potassium, you could use bananas to kill someone without drawing attention, right? The thing is, you need somewhere over fifty million bananas to kill someone with radiation, so you'll actually be killed by exsanguination, suffocation, or in most cases the crush trauma resulting from having 9.15 million kilograms of bananas appearing in your stomach. On top of that, depending on where you take one, there may well be people who need to be rescued from under fifty million+ bananas, which are collectively extremely radioactive. This is not what anyone would call "not drawing attention".
  • dado, the parapharmacologist in question, is generally hilarious due to his extremely bad handling of the English language leading to terrible misunderstandings, coupled with having so much skill in his area he just doesn't stumble into the limitations that would stop him. As examples:
  • When asked for a viagra replacement, he somehow misunderstood the order as a pill to make people "old and horny" and provided something that gives you temporary Rapid Aging coupled with extreme sexual desire (notably creeping everyone else out), and doesn't actually fix erectile dysfunction. When the Foundation tried giving a D-class two pills at once, she exploded into ash... ash that made the group who cleaned it up "feel incredibly sexually uncomfortable." When it was used on an asexual person, it caused them to age backwards while going on and on about their love of flying kites.
  • There's also this gem:
    The most advanced age a subject is believed to have experienced was D-89102, who was believed to be no younger than two-hundred years old. Despite D-89102's incredibly advanced age, the subject was reported as being "notably hostile" and expressed "a strong desire to forcefully insert Dr. Eisengraft's head into her vagina", for the express purpose of "feeling something again, goddammit".
  • He had a perfectly good laxative going, and then decided that if so many people were saying the "world is shit", he might as well do his part in cleaning it up. So he "outsourced" pooping, which means when you're constipated and take the pill, you first empty your bowels, and then empty everyone else's bowels through teleportation of some kind. No one that's taken the pill has stopped shitting yet.
  • The guy that wanted euthanasia pills should have never gotten euphemistic with dado and asked for something that "put them to sleep", because what he got puts people in hibernation/suspended animation for a long, long time and is better than anything even the Foundation has.
  • He misunderstood a request for a hair tonic as a hare tonic, and provided something that made children grow pet rabbits out of their scalps. The process is perfectly painless and harmless for children, but messy and lethal for adults; dado was sure that adults weren't going to use it:
    dado no need to worry because it not to be used on adults no way.
  • His attempts at energy drinks were terribly hampered by euphemisms again. He understood "out of this world" as "make me hit escape velocity", "rad" as in "radiation" and "on fire" as in "actual fire", and the results were catastrophic. But hey, he did warn them; it says right there on the website, "not for human consumption".
  • He deeply regrets the fact that he misunderstood a customer's request for "angel dust" (better known as PCP) as "a drug that turns people into winged humanoids as brittle as dust and eventually makes them fade away like ghosts, killing them in the process", and even sent out letters asking for all boxes of this "angel dust" to be destroyed.
  • When he got commissioned to make blow-up sex dolls, he thought it meant sex dolls that explode when used.
  • In one universe of the multiverse, he's the one running the Foundation, and its purpose is to sell anomalies! The researcher who was contacting alternate Foundations for the Multiversal Collaboration Project Network gets a You Have GOT to Be Kidding Me! reaction. dado then sends him SCP-____-J. The Multiversal Diplomacy Department advises to block communication with this universe.
  • He isn't any better when communicating in Spanish. In SCP-ES-114, he was asked to come up with some pills for depression. The first time, he makes pills that cause massive hypertension before an unseen force presses down until the subject's crushed. The poster clarifies it's depression pills, not pressure pills. A contrite dado apologizes and sends over pills that have the exact opposite effect — tremendous lightness and nausea.
  • Also, he pays his taxes with ICBMs launched from the Pacific Ocean loaded with various valuable, strange, or just plain anomalous objects rather than money (which the Foundation confiscates as assets). Given dado's questionable literacy, said missiles are aimed at the post office of some random town in Washington state rather than the IRS in Washington D.C. and have the word "revenue" misspelled on them in a different way every time.
  • In response to protests over police brutality in 2020, he set up a number of automated donut shops. When used by a member of law enforcement, they produce anomalous donuts which cause the eater to defecate live hogs. Those of a Dirty Cop tendency produce larger swine. As if that weren't enough, an attempt to communicate with dado produces this gem:
    no no see dado is of enlightened centrism. dado only want 2 grill and sell fine dado grill products.^note a reference to multiple politically minded Reddit communities
    • He follows up with:
      dado is only purveyor of fine business and excellent salesman, like the bezos or 420 elon.
    • When asked on why even the non-corrupt cops defecate pigs, he responds with his own anti-cop message:
      hmmm. dado is of thinking. oh, yes. dado is rememberings.
      is because pig is pig no matter how small.
• SCP-3583 is a self-driving schoolbus that takes kids home via a hell dimension filled with natural, man-made, and supernatural disasters. However, it turns out there're some unexpected advantages to having it around:
  Agent Patel: Anyway, before I leave, I wanted to thank you.
  Principal ████████: Hm?
  Agent Patel: For being so reasonable about this. A lot of the time, if we have to leave the, uh, anomaly on site, the locals get upset.
  Principal ████████: Well, yeah. If we really wanted it gone, we wouldn't have stopped reporting it.
  Agent Patel: My bosses'll want an explanation for that.
  Principal ████████: You can't just tell 'em we don't mind having it here?
  Agent Patel: Hey, come on. Would you accept that?
  Principal ████████: <sighs> Look. Whatever it is, it pretty clearly wants to be a schoolbus. And it's not doing that bad a job. I mean, hell dimension aside, it's got a perfect safety record. Been doing this five years, and it's never so much as had a kid get hurt in a fight. I've had living drivers who can't say that. And… okay, look, can I be honest with you?
  Agent Patel: Please do?
  Principal ████████: Do you realize how much a schoolbus costs? Just the bus, not even counting the fuel and the maintenance and the driver? With what we've saved since this thing showed up, we were able to hire a music teacher.
• SCP-3634 is a corkscrew which makes In Vino Veritas very literal, because when it's used to open a container of alcohol, it turns the liquid inside into a truth serum that causes people to blab random compromising details about their lives, and if they're particularly susceptible, do things they're really not supposed to. When it gets used during a Christmas party being held by a Big, Screwed-Up Family, Black Comedy ensues:
  • From Interview 59 of 118:
    (Agent Prince enters the interview room)
    M.L.: Took you long enough! It's been hours. I've had to masturbate to pass the time!
    (Agent Prince leaves the interview room. She excused herself from interviews for the next two hours, citing frustration.)
  • The interview log is absolute gold. Highlights include the host's brother-in-law throwing a TV at his father-in-law for sleeping with his mom, a woman chasing her prettier and more successful sister through the house with a kitchen knife, someone setting the punch bowl on fire, a 21-year-old man breaking his little brother's arm for refusing to stop doing a Fortnite dance, a father throwing his daughter out the window because she complained about getting a sweater and her brother not letting her play with his Transformer, a couple having sex in front of their family while singing Spice Girls songs, the housekeeper falling in love with the family dog, and an elderly man eating the family jewelry because "it looked tasty".
  • The first (accessible) log involving someone who hasn't been afflicted is with a teenage Casanova Wannabe.
    Prince: You're fourteen. I'm thirty-two.
    E.E.: I've fucked older.
    Prince: He's not affected. Get him out of here.
  • It's revealed they eventually found the corkscrew lodged in one guest's testicles.
• SCP-3670 is a throw pillow that grants your desires to the best of its ability, so long as it can fit creamed corn in there somehow. Food? Creamed corn. Money? Bills submersed in creamed corn. Another car? Replaces the contents of your fuel tank with creamed corn. Location of an escaped captive? Found dead with a stomach full of creamed corn. Killing SCP-682? Doesn't work, but whatever it tried involved a whole lot of creamed corn. You get the idea. One test log mentioned trying to get "something that isn't creamed corn." The result was the researcher's rations being replaced by bitter creamed corn.
• SCP-3671 ("A very angry box of cereal") is Exactly What It Says on the Tin: it's a cereal box that became angry at a researcher who accidentally tore it while retrieving its contents, so it started manifesting all sorts of deadly contents and labels with hilariously ineffectual threatening messages. The following manifestations are particularly funny:
  Date: 2018-03-20
  Label: What do you call a box of grains that goes on a killing spree because somebody couldn't be bothered to open it carefully?
  A cereal killer!
  Seriously though, I hate you.
  Contents: Bullets of various calibers.
  
  Date: 2018-03-25
  Label: Alright, I'm tired of ranting at you guys. Accidents happen, even if you could have dealt with this one better. What do you say we go back to being friends?
  Contents: Corn flakes. Testing revealed them to contain lethal amounts of cyanide.
  
  Date: 2018-03-26
  Label: Shit, I was sure you'd fall for that one.
  I still hate you, by the way.
  Contents: Pieces of military-grade plastic explosive.
  
  Date: 2018-04-02
  Label: I will murder you, Frank. I will find out where you live and I will slit your goddamn throat while you sleep. You will pay for what you did to me, just you wait.
  Contents: Various human teeth. Found to match those of Dr. Wright in both shape and genetic material.
  Notes: Dr. Wright requested, and was granted, a security detail. However, SCP-3671 is currently not believed to be capable of acting upon the threats given.
• SCP-3691 is an invulnerable bronze casting of Le Penseur (The Thinker) that one day stood up, informed a nearby Foundation camera "Sorry, had to think about some stuff.", and walked off.
• SCP-3734 is a set of five small Lego pedestals that turn earthworms into Super Sentai teams.
• SCP-3740 is Ashur, the Assyro-Babylonian god of air, who can pulverize buildings and cause natural disasters like cyclones and tornadoes. He's also an easily fooled twit and thinks card tricks and static electricity are demonstrations of divine power. At the end of the article, Suen, God of the Moon, tells Dr. Barrett that Ashur was essentially being babysat by the rest of his Pantheon before the Foundation tricked him into containment. Of particular interest is "that Nazarene wino with the fish obsession", who's been dodging his shift for around 2000 years.
  • One of SCP-3740's containment team persuaded Ashur that he was himself a god by "[holding] a pencil to the side of his head and pretend[ing] to swallow it."
• SCP-3753 is chamomile tea that allows you to wrestle anthropomorphic personifications of any infections or physical conditions you have, with victory giving you significant, and often total, recovery from them. One particularly fun example from the test log is Agent Ursula Nunez, who was suffering from depression and hypertension, and ended up fighting her brain and vascular system simultaneously:
  Nunez engaged both instances, shouting various profanities. The vascular system demanifested after Nunez defeated it, and Nunez proceeded to violently assault her brain with her fists and feet even after it submitted. Later followup reported significant alleviation of her hypertension, consistently higher serotonin levels, and decreased frequency of depressive episodes. Nunez requested repeated uses of SCP-3753.
• SCP-3758:
  • It turns out Grand Karcist Ion is the petty type:
    PoI-3758-27: [...] As for Sarkicism, we abandoned Grand Karcist Ion a long time ago - we just borrowed his magic to keep the dodos alive, to keep Hualiet from coming back.
    Dr. Henderson: And why did you abandon—
    PoI-3758-27: 'cos he's a prick.
    [ A large, dark, malignant growth of flesh instantaneously generates on the scalp of PoI-3758-27. ]
    PoI-3758-27: …and very easily offended.
  • Dr. Naismith interviews a condescending noble. However, that condescending noble is a dodo, and it submits to Dr. Naismith once it is reminded that Naismith is taller and heavier than it.
  • SCP-3758-B, the anomaly the Foundation is trying to contain, is a Gigantoraptor that emits extremely lethal radiation. It is also very nice and has advocated for a number of societal reforms during its lifetime.
• SCP-3809 is a satellite who talks like Elle Woods and fell in love with a pastor. While seeing "her" gushing over him and questioning the situation is funny, then the Foundation decides to deceptively send some of his controversies, leading to a heartbroken call to the man himself.
• SCP-3848 causes certain geographic regions to forget the existence of a concept. On March 18, 2011 approximately 2 million people in Queens forgot about the existence of turn signals. And nothing really changed.
• SCP-3872 is William Henry Seward, US Secretary of State from 1861 to 1869, and appears to be biologically immortal. He became this way due to what the Foundation's American predecessor described as "forbidden molasses-based alchemy".
• SCP-3855 is a community straight out of Mad Max that happens to exist in a fairly realistic universe. As a result, they are constantly causing cars to explode.
• SCP-3867 is a website that shows the perspective of the user's pets, including the deceased ones. Right after a heartbreaking entry detailing animal abuse, the final entry shows a red and black slurry, with the anomalous site breaking its usual tone to condemn the user (due to his work on SCP-1459).
  Header: Stop Culling Puppies, Dick.
  Text: A blender? Really? It looks like a goddamn jamba juice.
  Caption: You will totally go to hell for this.
• SCP-3905 is a trash can in Sacramento, California which transports empty soda cans to a tropical island that can only be described as "heaven for sentient soda cans", where they compete in limbo contests, blast party music, and drink alcohol from a tube labeled "THE SWEET STUFF". The popular brands of soda like Coke and Pepsi order around the less popular/generic soda brands and sometimes bully them by breaking off their tabs and filling them with aspartame, which apparently tastes horrible to them. Oh, and if someone throws an empty diet soda can or sugar-free soda can into SCP-3905, it will end up in a pit labeled "DIET DOUCHEBAGS" a short distance from the speaker system.
• SCP-3922, known as "STOP RIGHT THERE CRIMINAL SCUM!", is a device that, when used on any film or cartoon, causes futuristic police officers to show up and intervene in any crimes that occur on the show in question. For example, in The Dark Knight, they immediately kill the Joker, arrest Bruce Wayne, and occupy Gotham.
  • When used on a porn movie, the SCP-3922-A officers only show up to ensure that all the sex is consensual... with rocket launchers.
  • When used on Batman: The Killing Joke, the SCP-3922-A soldiers capture and kill the Joker, and force Alan Moore to come out at gunpoint and ensure that the Joker's death cannot ever be retconned or otherwise reversed.
  • When used on Monty Python and the Holy Grail, King Arthur is assassinated, the knights are arrested on various charges by the police just like in the movie, the Killer Rabbit is removed via "tactical holy smart bomb", and the police provide preventative treatments to stop the animator from having a heart attack.
  • They test it on Star Wars: A New Hope. After an epic battle scene, it ends with the SCP-3922-A soldiers capturing the Death Star and freezing Darth Vader in carbonite.
    EMERGENCY ADDENDUM: I'm putting a moratorium on further experimentation with Star Wars. The possibility that we just gave a previously-fictional superweapon to the ☽☽☽ Initiative cannot be ignored as a significant risk to our safety. - Dr. Naismith
  • They propose testing it on Dragon Ball Z: Battle of Gods, but the test is canceled.
    Dr. Naismith: The possibility of a nonfictional group of interest enlisting the aid of planet-destroying humanoids poses even more of a risk than the Death Star. Even Yamcha would be a potential new Keter to worry about.
  • A testing proposal for The Passion of the Christ is also rejected:
    Dr. Naismith: I have already forbidden the use of any tests featuring god-like beings, we do not want even the slightest risk of Jesus of Nazareth becoming a potential threat to the Foundation.
  • A proposal for Deadpool is rejected as well, for obvious reasons.
    Dr. Naismith: No, no, and again no. As amusing as this would be, let's be clear: Deadpool as a character is aware of the fourth wall. He knows he's in a narrative. SCP-3922 invades narratives. I don't want to even risk giving someone as psychotic as Wade Wilson the ability to travel between narratives. Yes, I know about Deadpool Killustrated, but that was written with the express purpose of exploring said concept. This, on the other hand, runs the risk of giving a self-aware character free will. And that could only ever result in pure and utter chaos.
  • When used on Sharknado, instead of SCP-3922-A showing up, SPC-2922 shows up and starts punching the sharks to death.
  • They try using it on Barney & Friends, which leads to an SCP-3922-A officer just showing up in a Barney suit with a whiteboard bearing the message:
    Is the Foundation staffed by five year olds? Playing this episode in the hopes of watching us vaporise Barney is inappropriate to say the least. Act befitting your station or playtime is over.
  • The Foundation tries it on Bobble the Clown. He promptly shoots down the 3922-A spaceships and disintegrates their soldiers.
  • When the Foundation starts using edited film of previous SCP-3922-A interventions in earlier movies designed to make the 3922-A troops look like villains, they instead just start showing up in different uniforms, and finally just nuke the entire scene with a big message saying "SERIOUSLY, CUT IT OUT."
  • The Foundation uses SCP-3922 on Pinocchio and it triggers during the Pleasure Island sequence. Three words: "TACTICAL UNDONKIFICATION ORDINANCE". They also kill Monstro with a Kill Sat and arrest the Blue Fairy for "unlicensed reanimation of plant tissue".
  • When used on A Clockwork Orange, the SCP-3922-A guys arrest Alex and execute his buddies by firing squad. Each execution lasts almost an hour and continues well past the point of death. And then they force Alex to eat the remains before executing him too.
  • Similar to the above, Red Zone Cuba has Griffin being beaten for two hours with blunt objects (he's also the writer\director of this terrible movie, after all) and then shot afterwards, to which the researcher has to comment "Ouch".
  • Just the fact that the Foundation tried it on an episode of Mister Rogers' Neighborhood and it actually worked.
  • When used on a recording of a Californian man smoking a blunt, the trooper gets confused due to the conflicting federal and state laws on the legality of marijuana, and all he can do is remind the guy to properly dispose of the butt in a dumpster because there is a consensus on littering being illegal.
  • Testing it on a recording of a pro wrestling event results in the bulk of the SCP-3922-A troops entering the ring as wrestlers... and several more handing out tickets for littering in the background.
  • Testing on The LEGO Movie results in minifig versions of 3922-A instances arresting Lord Business... only to cut to the real world, where another 3922-A instance confiscates Lord Business from a very confused Man Upstairs.
    Note: We don't really understand what happened, but the unaltered version of the movie wasn't much clearer.
  • They tried it on one of those Lofi hiphop beats to study/relax to livestreams (a recording, obviously). The troopers show up after eight hours, informing the girl in the video that, though studying is important, sleep is also vital. The rest of the recording consists of the girl's empty desk, night time ambience and quiet snoring in the background.
  • When they attempt to use it on Blazing Saddles, Mel Brooks informs the 3922-A instances, along with the Foundation staff overseeing the experiment, that due to a contract signed by several parties (including the Foundation's founder), the Foundation isn't allowed to experiment on his films. The Foundation is understandably confused by this turn of events.
  • So apparently presenting SCP-3922 to Cannibal Holocaust depicted something that troubled the viewers after watching it.
    Director Naismith: For all animal lovers in the personnel, please, don't watch this tape. You've heard of what happened to the animals when this was being filmed, I cannot stress enough that it isn't much better here either. If anyone needs me, I'll be scrubbing my eyeballs. Metaphorically.
  • When tested on the Globglogabgalab clip from Strawinsky and the Mysterious House, attempts to neutralise the Globglogabgalab for its "book violation" by 3922-A instances were simply devoured, including an armed battalion sent to kill it. Even a bloody nuke couldn't stop the thing, as apparently it closed the film with the words "Yeast of thought and mind".
    Doctor Margin: "Yeast of thought and mind my ass. I want this thing given an SCP classification."
    O5-4: "Not enough evidence to support it, but we'll keep an eye on this… film."
  • Using it on the Kingdom Hearts franchise results in a narrative that's just as convoluted and complicated as you'd expect from that series. The Foundation speculates that such convoluted plots are such an entrenched part of Kingdom Hearts' narrative that even SCP-3922 can't change it.
  • Sending SCP-3922-A instances into the realm of The Dover Boys doesn't do them justice either. When one 3922-A instance tries to apprehend Dan Backslide from kidnapping Dora, it's frozen in place when the old man comes across the screen whilst Dan successfully kidnaps Dora with no problems whatsoever. The instance is frozen until the very end when the narrator asks "So, you gonna move buddy?", upon which the instance unfreezes, faces the camera, bows, and proceeds to walk off in the same manner as the old man throughout the short.
  • Testing on the first episode of Father Ted results in five instances of SCP-3922-A trying to arrest Ted, Dougal, and Jack, followed shortly by five very battered people fleeing an angry Father Jack. The now three-hour episode ends with another SCP-3922-A going through Father Jack's house and attempting to confiscate his alcohol, only for an enraged Father Jack to come bursting into the house.
  • Testing on The Room (2003) got a single disclaimer saying that no "slavery or other cruelty" towards [REDACTED]lings occurred.
    Dr. Lang: Either they're avoiding this movie intentionally, or there's context here that none of us need or want to know about.
  • Testing on Die Hard results in Hans Gruber tricking the LAPD into believing that the SCP-3922-A instances are Right Wing Militia Fanatics, leading to a firefight that ends with only 5 3922-As remaining alive. John McClane then convinces the police that the 3922-As are on their side, and the film ends with the 3922-As taking out Gruber's men while John confronts Gruber and rescues the hostages. One researcher says that this may be better than the original film, to which another researcher responds "Heresy."
  • Cats has Macavity being arrested and the List of Transgressions lasts for 3805 hours and 33 minutes (about 158 days), which the Foundation's Legal department says was helpful to learn laws from basically every civilization, including alien ones. Their only gripe is that "we would be happier if we hadn't seen Idris Elba defecate into a box".
  • Fate/stay night: Heaven's Feel Part 1 turns into a romantic comedy that starts with Shinji Matou getting beaten to death by 3922-A instances with steel folding chairs while poor Shirou looks on in confusion and horror. Shirou has no idea what the hell is going on, and is forced to go along with all the nonsense happening around him.
  • A test on Iron Man is rejected on the grounds of not wanting the TMI to acquire one of the Infinity Stones. Someone asks about films from after Avengers: Endgame...and it's apparently under consideration.
  • A test on A Serbian Film was denied because testing it would be an insult to SCP-3922.
  • When tested on the SMG4 Season 10 premiere, Mario Gets His PINGAS Stuck In The Door, some SCP-3922-A instances try to saw the door out to get Mario’s pingas out of it, but fail to do so. Then once the video gets to the part where the aliens begin using doors as weapons, said instances end up being victims to the Groin Attack the doors leave.
  • When tested on Morbius, the film was mostly the same except the scenes where he says his famous catchphrases like It’s Morbin Time were removed. Or, in better terms, the film was the exact same.
  • When tested on a longplay of Pizza Tower, a giant spaceship ("☽☽☽ TACTICAL PIZZA CRUSHER") flies down from the sky and obliterates Peppino's Pizza with a nuclear laser, Cue Peppino's screaming for the rest of the recording, Even continuing past the SCP-3922 end title card.
  • In a followup to the above, when tested with Robots, the movie freezes shortly after Bigweld's introduction, and a CGI-animated version of Mel Brooks in a blue motion capture suit exits Bigweld's body, with multiple 3922-A instances doing the same with a number of new characters resembling SCP-2578. Brooks repeats his previous demand of insisting that the 3922-A instances don't interfere with his movies and that the Foundation doesn't conduct experiments on his movies, but one of them points out that he didn't direct or produce the movie in question, to which Brooks counters by producing more sheets of paper from within the Bigweld exoskeleton, which the 3922-A instance reads through and concludes that Brooks' previous demand also extends to any movies he's even remotely associated with or any movies involving other people whose career is heavily dependent on Brooks', such as Gene Wilder, at which point the 3922-A instances demanifest and Brooks chastises the Foundation for not having better things to do than "shoehorning space men into their favourite movies" before re-entering the Bigweld exoskeleton and resuming the film normally.
  • When tested on The Human Centipede, it's a four-minute title screen displaying "ongeschikt" while Josef Heiter is beaten and executed. Then director Tom Six for conceiving of such a fucked-up movie.
• SCP-3973 is a Space Marine model. Specifically, an Ultramarine miniature, which makes all dice rolled nearby automatically roll lowest-side down. What makes this hilarious is that it's basically a big reference to the Warhammer 40k meme of the Ultramarines being the very best Space Marines.
• While SCP-3999 isn't a funny SCP at all, there is one section of the article labelled as the description of the SCP which falsely describes what SCP-3999 is, all of which is struck out. Some of the highlights include SCP-3999 being 055, "your missing sock", the SCP-3000 contest, cliche lists that look like they were written by a crazy person, the 2020 novel coronavirus pandemic, and Brutalist architecture.

Series V (SCPs 4000-4999)

• SCP-4010 starts out with a researcher asked to create a complete timeline of the universe using every file the Foundation has at their disposal. If you're at all familiar with the SCP Foundation, you realize how bad an idea this is. What follows is the record of someone trying to make sense of the wiki's timeline and realizing how many times reality has ended and restarted, how much time travel there is, how many alternate realities there are, and just how often the articles contradict one another. And it somehow goes even further off the rails when the researcher realizes that in making the timeline (and thereby enacting order on the ridiculously chaotic Foundation universe), she's accidentally erasing every SCP from existence, and the Foundation is retroactively whittled down to fewer and fewer anomalies and employees, until it's just the researcher and 173, which then disappears as well. After a breakdown at realizing that no one knows the Foundation ever existed and that anomalies no longer exist either, she does the only thing she can think of to convince anyone that she's not just a crazy person: posting a picture of 173 along with its containment procedure on a message board. Of course, she realizes what she's done the next day.
  Day 360: I hate myself… I just realised. I… I am an actual idiot. A bunch of horror writers…
• SCP-4032 is a plant that produces berries which cause uncontrollable flatulence in any animal that eats them until that animal dies (usually by suffocating on their own gases). They fed one to a D-Class to observe the effects, which led to widespread smell complaints from first the D-Class, which prompted the addition of a venting hood and then the opening of windows, and then the site staff, leading to the D-Class being relocated to an outdoor facility while they build a proper filter. Which, in turn, led to environmental watch groups noting the abnormal air pollution around the site...
• SCP-4096 was a complex topological manifold which represented a method of reversing the two sides of an established dichotomy, enabling the members of opposite or antithetical pairings to be switched (night and day, black and white, etc.). Then it started reacting to the investigatory team's experimentation until it finally hit on switching a subset of 'contained' and 'containing'... so now the Foundation is SCP-4096, and the Overseer Council is permanently contained by the manifold.
  SCP-4096 is, under the manifold's current definition, contained. A method of breaching said containment is currently being investigated.
• SCP-4131 is a surviving member of the extinct Anomalocaris genus with an obsessive hatred of trilobites and a large number of built-in weapons to help it kill them, who's constantly on guard against any suspected trilobites that might be around, and will take any opportunity to talk about its previous trilobite-killing exploits. The Foundation just pretty much humors it to keep it in containment.
• SCP-4222 is a tuna with the City Trust International Bank integrated into its gut. As in an actual tuna, swimming around in the ocean, with a financial institution as part of its digestive system. The bank's employees are aware of their location, and seem to have absolutely no problem with this. In order to avoid the potential financial consequences of getting too close to SCP-4222, the Foundation trained a pod of dolphins to protect and contain it, but some of them have escaped to establish tuna-based economies.
• SCP-4223 is a universe where Mountain Dew Baja Blast can only be produced by the eruption of a geyser in Mexico once a year; attempts to artificially replicate it on Earth result in the production of an uncarbonated liquid universally agreed to taste like battery acid. Their Foundation found that while unlikely, Baja Blast being created like that was non-anomalous... right up until someone from an alternate Foundation pointed out that no, that was totally anomalous. Then came the discovery of a third universe where Mountain Dew is actually mountain dew, forming from accumulation on grasses on a few Siberian mountains in the morning, and as a result the Baja Blast Foundation's Department of Extra-Universal Affairs is trying to find out if there are any other universes where this Exactly What It Says on the Tin thing takes place.
• SCP-4290 is a fairly serious SCP, your typical world ending abomination that the Foundation can't hope to contain forever. The hilarity, in a very dark manner, comes at the end of the entry. After millennia of fear and untold amounts spent on preparing for its escape, it turns out 4290 is dead. Turns out the thing starved to death 9000 years ago.
• SCP-4338 is a classic island volcano god that demands monthly offerings of large quantities of various food products (fruits, vegatables, meats, and other sundries), or it will emerge from within the volcano's caldera and selectively kill the current leader of the local population, absorbing and then replicating their body to be a proxy through which they can deliver demands of their worshippers. The joke comes about after a junior researcher accidentally gives the deity interest in junk food by disposing the remains of his lunch (which also had a Cadbury chocolate bar) in a nearby lava flow, causing the deity to emerge ahead of schedule and immediately kill the current lead researcher in order to obtain more processed/junk foods, such as Cadbury bars, gummy bears, and beef jerky. Seriously. The first revision of the article (in which the deity's object class goes from Keter to Euclid) indicates that the core of the deity has doubled in size, and the regular offerings are now all varieties of junkfood snacks (chocolates, cookies, chips, etc) in much larger quantities than the previous natural food offerings. The new lead researcher who has taken over has become exasperated by the scale of these new demands and manages to pressure the deity (who has degenerated into a sullen and pathetic state) into settling for bulk brand generic knockoffs of each of the junkfood products. The final revision of the article classifies the deity's object class as Safe, and mentions that the Foundation is considering using the deity as a means of disposing of slaughterhouse byproducts and other waste materials. At this point the deity is totally demoralized and is just happy to continue being fed, and the lead researcher has grown accustomed to dealing with it as if she were a slightly put-upon mother figure.
• SCP-4390 is a shitty, unimaginative knockoff of a Labyrinth-style maze created by a frustrated Dr. Wondertainment candidate who got passed over for the job, and the very fact it sucks so much helps make it hilarious.
• SCP-4444 doesn't seem like it would be funny on the surface; it's an alien entity which took up permanent residence inside the head of Al Gore while he was Vice President, speaks entirely in Word-Salad Horror, and came to Earth as the spearhead for an invasion which would bring about The End of the World as We Know It. However, the details of its discovery, as well as the Foundation's subsequent efforts to contain it, quickly descend into humor.
  • The entity came to the Foundation's attention via the UIU, two agents of which overheard a conversation between Bill Clinton and Joe Andrew; the latter remarks on how he just got off the phone with Gore, who was going on about how he intended to run for President in 2000 and how there was an alien living in his head. Clinton initially dismisses this as Gore being high...only for Andrew to then relate that, according to Gore's security chief, the Vice President has apparently developed the ability to phase through solid objects. The President's response?
    Clinton: Yeah, that's...hmm. That's probably not the reefer, then.
  • When it becomes clear that they can't dissuade Gore from running, the Foundation holds a meeting with various officials, including four FBI officials (two from the UIU), a US Army general, and a number of Foundation employees, including Elias Shaw. Once it becomes clear that the initial plan of using an Incorporeal Entity Vacuum Chamber to contain SCP-4444 isn't a sustainable plan (on account of the fact that it will, as a side effect, kill Al Gore), the Foundation decides instead to throw their weight behind George W. Bush in hopes of getting him elected instead. Unfortunately, it turns out that Bush took a bullet to the head on a hunting trip and suffered brain death; however, Sophia Light, upon confirming that most of Bush's body is physically fine, has an alternate idea.
    Director Light: I think... I think I know how we're going to oppose the Vice President's campaign.
    (silence)
    Director Shaw: Oh no you fucking don't.
  • One of the FBI directors' hilariously deadpan reaction to Dr. Crow:
    Clark: That is a talking dog.
  • General Roland is shocked that the Foundation would even suggest messing with the US election, the very foundation of their democracy.
    Clef: If you think this is the first time we've fucked with your elections, I've got some bad news for you there bub.
  • The meeting is immediately followed by a profanity-laced complaint from Shaw, complaining about how much he hates the plan to insert him into Bush's body, as well as how he apparently can't take a shit without assistance in Bush's body. The note at the top of the complaint form urging employees to be as succinct as possible and not use profanity is just the icing on the cake.
  • During the election campaign, the Foundation comes up with various possible scandals to introduce to the public in hopes of discrediting Gore; most of these are rejected, including a rumor that Gore poisoned a third-world town's water supply out of spite (rejected because, in the words of the article, there were "No towns with reasonably convincing poisoned water supplies"), a rumor that Gore once had sex with a pig (rejected because Gore had no farm experience, and the Foundation didn't think their photo-editing software could convincingly fake an image of the scene), and a rumor that Gore believes himself to have communicated with space aliens (rejected for being too close to what's actually going on).
  • The entirety of the September Debate scene, which includes Elias Shaw (as Bush) going completely off-script with a profanity-laced and extremely offensive speech, SCP-4444 casting a "dark spell" over the audience (including the phrase "Gregarious enchant the manatee!"), and finally the entity and Gore ending the debate by running straight through a nearby wall. The incident report ends with a footnote adding that SCP-4444 is apparently very sorry for "casting a dark spell" and promised not to do so again. The debate section includes an image of SCP-4444 casting the "dark spell," which shows Al Gore with a glowing red face and bright white eyes. The dead-serious caption beginning with "SCP-4444 casting a dark spell on the audience..." makes the picture funnier.
  • The article also includes various unaired campaign ads from the Gore campaign, including one in which he encouraged humans to tape cows' anuses shut, and then the camera pans over to reveal dozens of cows with plastic bags over their rear ends.
  • Of course, it wouldn't be an article about the 2000 election without mentioning the infamous events of election night. With the Florida vote in limbo and the race looking like it was going to end with Gore being declared the winner — thus opening the door for SCP-4444's race to come to Earth — the Foundation put into place an emergency plan... that plan being to cause a fatal gas leak in the Democratic headquarters in hopes that it would allow them to contain SCP-4444. When the election results slowly start to swing back towards Bush, the Foundation has to hastily rush over and stop the gas leak before anyone can be hurt.
• SCP-4445 seems like a normal entry at first, but odd phrasings and references keep creeping in. By the end of the final part, it's clear that the whole thing is a giant American Pie joke; music literally died that day.
• SCP-4455 is the superhero known as the Streamliner, who has the power to, well, streamline narratives, allowing him to bypass logical lines of causality. In practice, this means he has the power to Hand Wave his way out of any problem… unless the narrative space is already taken up by someone's exposition, preventing him from finding a way out. So to capture him, you've got to narrate everything you're doing so he can't take advantage of any possible narrative space and escape. Opposing him is SCP-4455-Ω, the supervillain known as the Expositor, who does Exactly What It Says on the Tin, exposit continuously about himself at length.
  • After taking over 52 hours to capture SCP-4455 (due to the mobile task force assigned to it having to narrate their actions the entire time), the containment procedures involved locking him in an airtight and skintight mold with a feeding tube shoved down his esophagus, an oxygen tube in his trachea, a pair of waste tubes shoved in his anus and urethra, and audiobooks constantly playing in either ear to provide a constant narrative and prevent him from squeezing his way out of it. This held him for about two years before he manages to escape anyway.
• SCP-4469 is called "ASMR: But I Come Out of the Screen and Beat You with a Shoe", and is Exactly What It Says on the Tin: if you're sleep-deprived and watch certain ASMR videos, SCP-4469 comes out of the screen and starts hitting you with something, and the sound from your beating helps you fall asleep. Sadly has been removed now.
• SCP-4492 is an umbrella that, when dropped in a toilet, empties a person's bladder and bowels and transports the excretion a kilometer over head, where it will fall down upon the area below. The umbrella returns into the person's hands to protect them from the raining piss and shit. The Toilet Humor nature of the SCP is funny enough, but the interview with the umbrella's creator, a journalist concerned that her boss was trying to watch her take a dump, drives the hilarity up tenfold.
• In SCP-4498, Elias Shaw accidentally breaks an artifact skip, which triggers an effect that interacts with Shaw's amulet, copying his mind onto the inhabitants of Site-53 — all the inhabitants, humans, animals, and skips alike. Havoc ensues.
  • The recordings taken from various site cameras are absolutely hilarious, as the newly created Shaws act even crazier than normal, and Mann, Crow, Gears, Lament, the original Shaw and a few others desperately try to survive like they're in a survival horror movie where all the monsters are nut jobs.
  • Instead of being "just" a copy of Shaw, each Shaw has a bunch of new quirks, turning Site-53 into absolute pandemonium. Zyn Kiryu-Shaw declares herself a pirate queen, talks like a pirate all the time, and has her followers build a pirate ship out of one of the Site-53 tanks. Beth Masters-Shaw declares her and her followers the AquaEliases, protectors of the toilets. Elisa Henson-Shaw apparently started some kind of culinary cult, and Ivan Anders-Shaw rules the Sneaky Darkness Eliases, who inhabit the part of the site where power has gone out.
  • 096 was affected!
    096-Shaw : Fingers crossed, bitch! It was me the whole time! Fuck yeah, this is awesome.
  • Poor Sophia has to clean up this whole mess. She decides that, since 096, Clef and Kiryu have snapped out of it, the rest will probably do so too, so they're just letting the whole madness play itself out. The Shaws still inside have apparently established a feudal system with a janitor-Shaw on top. Also, Clef was apparently not affected due to stopping earlier for breakfast. He just played along because he thought it was hilarious.
• Troper: What is so amusing about SCP-4500?
  Editor: SCP-4500 is a location that can only be accessed by philosophically pondering an abstract ideal. It's basically the ancient Greek gods' version of the Foundation, used by them to contain such hazards as Pandora's box, Typhon, and irrational numbers, which they treated as a Euclid class infohazard that "causes severe distress during initial exposure." The kicker is the very last recorded dialogue, which implies that the Twelve Labors of Herakles were him being reassigned to their equivalent of Keter duty after getting a fellow researcher killed.
• SCP-4503, the infinite pot of pasta with a bit of history behind it, largely due to its incredibly over-the-top retrieval log. Originally, the item was SCP-503, replacing a previous deleted article (now lost) to which the retrieval log was attached. Someone then had the bright idea of editing the log to match the new item, resulting in a log about a pot of pasta wiping out an entire Mobile Task Force. The new log was popular enough that some time after SCP-503 was deleted and reassigned yet again, the article (the pasta pot, that is) was eventually dug up again and put up as an archived item, and subsequently restored to the mainlist as SCP-4503.
• SCP-4509 is a book that can make any two women that touch it fall in love with each other. Most of the article tells how one researcher and her boss wound up in such a situation, with an unexpected twist at the end...
• SCP-4533 is an adware vision corrector. If you have problems with your eyesight, SCP-4533 will correct or even improve your vision... at the cost of having a good part of your visual field occupied by adverts for several weeks or months.
• SCP-4553 is a sapient anthropomorphic mass of worms self-identifying as "Bob Shepherd", which is actively campaigning for the position of United States congressional representative. Aside from being an anthropomorphic mass of worms, his campaign platform seems reasonable (consistently emphasizing infrastructural development, retention of individual liberties under the Constitution, institutional countercorruption initiatives, and environmentalism), and he appears to present no overt threat to American society or consensus normality at large. No-one seems to be particularly bothered about SCP-4553 being an anthropomorphic mass of worms apart from the Foundation, and he's currently at 89% in the polls. (For bonus funny, the comments are full of people saying that they'd vote for him.)
• SCP-4680 is Grigori Rasputin, the legendary Mad Monk himself, who discovered a way to become biologically immortal... that unfortunately does not allow the regeneration of amputated extremities. Having been very much The Casanova in his mortal days, he's really, really not happy about the fate of his most valued body part:
  UNFORGIVABLE
  NICHOLAS, YOU WHORE
  I HOPE LENIN SKINS YOU ALIVE IN HELL
  MY PENIS IS IN A MUSEUM
• SCP-4703 is a supermarket that retains both steady customers and a legal right to open despite cheerfully engaging in bizarre, dangerous, and unethical business practices (typically involving a variety of deranged hazards such as deathtraps, hungry Barbary lions, random poisoned kisses, mandatory extraction of lipids, random periods during the day where all purchases are free but all but 2 checkouts immediately close, the lions are released and all items still need to be scanned out one by one, etc.) because said practices are perfectly legal (thank you very much). Since the location also forces any and all parties involved with it in any way to adhere to said nonsensical laws, the best the Foundation's top lawyer can do to try to explain the situation to his superiors is to make an analogy about a math problem involving children sharing apples with each other where the decimal system can switch to base four at a moment's notice and thus now one of the girls is able to "wield apples unbeholden to thermodynamics", and any overt attempt to circumvent these laws will cause the aforementioned lions to manifest in the vicinity of the person doing so (like they keep doing in his bathroom). Thus, the only real method the Foundation can use to try to contain it in any way is to have a competing store across the street with persistent advertisments and better products.
• SCP-4839 is a serious and creepy skip about the Administrator's obsession with containment growing to the point where the ☽☽☽ Initiative determines it would be best to just put humanity in that Earth iteration out of its misery. Not funny. What is funny, though, is the passing mention of the initial response of ☽☽☽'s patron, a Giant Spider deity with massive reality-warping capabilities, being to just consider pressing charges against the Foundation for libel over misrepresenting it and the Initiative.
• SCP-4852 sees Site-19's Research Wing A grow a large pair of chicken legs, detach itself from the rest of the site, and go running off with the staff still inside. The staff members rise to the occasion with Clef shooting Bright's current host, Kondraki and Clef starting a civil war, and Crow making a break for it in an egg walker.
  • Overwatch Command - The O5s' hilarious reaction to the whole thing.
    Overwatch Command: Oh shit, it does have legs.
  • Later:
    S19 Command: Do you think we should extract them?
    Overwatch Command: Nah, they'll be fine. Focus on figuring out a way to stop Baba Yaga.
  • After jumping into a new body, the extremely pissed-off Bright goes into Cluster F-Bomb mode. Overwatch and S19 Command don’t seem to care about his profanity, though that’s probably due to the bigger issues at hand.
• SCP-4934 is the door to Chuck Jones' private study, which goes into Toon Physics mode every time someone tries to open it.
• SCP-4950 at first starts like your typical ritual skip, with a cult trying to summon a nanomachine god to create a Grey Goo scenario. However, the ritual requires billions of sacrifices, and with the cult's lack of resources and want to stay hidden, they can't exactly do this. But they discuss that it doesn't necessarily have to be corporeal lives sacrificed. Cue them causing a loophole involving an amiibo, several monitors all playing Fortnite, and the cult's guild chanting "Blood for the Blood God". And this actually almost works, partially summoning the god. Fortunately, the summoning fails due to modern commonplace technology still being too weak to fully summon it. And then we get this final line discussing the Foundation searching for the remnants of the cult.
  Current lines of investigation are centered around the memetic phrase "press F to pay respects".
  • There is also the implication that SCP-4950 was influenced by the fact that Fortnite was being used to summon it. Once it speaks, the single line it says basically serves as the article's punchline:
    SCP-4950: Wh... wh... where... where we... where we dropping, boys?
• SCP-4951 is a sapient intelligence of a man who uploaded his mind to the internet and took over hundreds of electronic devices. Each device either contains a different part of his uploaded brain or adds to his knowledge and abilities. The Foundation attempted multiple interviews, the first of which had the entity curse out the interviewer due to some parts of his "brain" being turned off. Afraid they had another SCP-079 on their hands, they had a psychologist come in to assess him only to later realize the second interview had the device that contained his knowledge of English off.
  Closing Statement: SCP-4951 entity not hostile, merely French.
• SCP-4960 is Kedesh-Nanaya, an ancient Sumerian sex and fertility goddess associated with eroticism and sexual pleasure. The Foundation utilizes her by seeking her knowledge about supernatural phenomena to assist in containing the anomalies they encounter. The problem is she enters a dormant state and can only stay awake if enough people are worshiping her, "worship" here being defined as...well, as deriving great personal enjoyment from her visage. The humor comes in how the Foundation engenders her favor: after requiring Foundation personnel to participate in "worship" stopped being enough to keep her at full strength, they opted to start anonymously distributing pornography featuring her likeness online to trick civilians into "worshiping" her, ultimately culminating in a series of hentai OVAs, the circulation of which has had the following effect:
  Compulsory participation by Foundation personnel in Procedure 166-Anahita is no longer required.
• SCP-4971 is a portal to a netherworld that the Foundation know exactly how to close. The reason they haven't done it yet is because doing so would require over 7 billion human sacrifices, the entire population of Earth. The hilarious part is that someone actually submitted this containment procedure for approval by the Ethics Committee, who were... less than thrilled about it.
• SCP-4985 is an investment management firm that causes its employees, shareholders, and their immediate families to behave like it's a medieval European-style monarchy:
  West: O most illustrious and noble King of Zoller, by the Grace of the Dow, beloved of the shareholders, I present to you the respected Lord Gonzales, a Senior V-P of the Public Corporate Society, who comes to pay respects to your royal person and our Kingdom.
  Gonzales: Greetings, your noble Majesty. My, uh, lord and master has sent me to establish relations with your organisation.
  SCP-4985-1: Normally I would have the Count here handle matters with a minor realm such as yours, but your audacity in seeking an audience intrigues me. We are one of the mightiest investment companies south of Wall Street, victors of a hundred mergers and acquisitions. Tell me, sir, what is to stop me from asset-stripping your little Company here and now, which does not even have a NASDAQ listing?
  Gonzales: Your Majesty, we are small, but we are more than you may assume - we have close relations with the United States government, and -
  Agitation amongst the courtiers.
  Courtier: A Commission spy!
  Shouting of insults towards 'Federals' and 'regulators'.
  SCP-4985-1: Silence! A spy would not enter our front gates and announce himself so brazenly. Sir, you tread dangerous ground. We are no heretics here - we recognise the spiritual authority of Washington and pay our tithes - but now is a low ebb for temporal and spiritual relations. The poisonous words of Dodd and Frank have even caused rumours of schism. The last Commission visitors made outrageous demands, and it did not end well for them.
  Gonzales: You misunderstand, your Majesty. We have relations with the government, but have altogether a different mission. We would like to prevent your company from coming under too much scrutiny, from the government, the public, or otherwise. We know the FBI has taken an interest in your affairs -
  Angry shouting from the courtiers resumes; SCP-4985-1 holds up a hand to silence them.
  Gonzales: - and would like to, ah, divert some of this attention.
  SCP-4985-1: An intriguing proposal. I would discuss this with you further. All but the Duke Yankee Candle and Count GrubHub, leave us.

Series VI (SCPs 5000-5999)

• SCP-5000, Why?, while horrifying during most of it, almost turns into a bit of Black Comedy with the creative ways the Foundation start using anomalies to exterminate mankind. A particular gem is how, among all the various destructive, world-ending anomalies, the Foundation turns the television airwaves back on just to broadcast the Pesterbot making Ineffectual Death Threats. Even the guy writing the Apocalyptic Log found it funny.
• SCP-5004, MEGALOMANIA, is a demonic imp that was sealed beneath the U.S. Capitol by Supreme Court Justice and noted sorcerer Charles Evans Hughes, one of several magi in the Court. As it has grown to incredible size and power by absorbing the conflict energies of Congress, the Foundation teams up with the UIU to contain it by hacking the 2016 election to bring "reality sink" Donald Trump into power.
  • The immediate response to summoning said imp was to beat him into submission with brooms. Then he attempted to demonstrate his "power" by letting out a horrible stench, at which point the brooming resumed.
  • Special note goes to Elias Shaw's reaction; while most of the other members of the team are disgusted that they have to rely on Trump for this mission, Shaw is left cackling with laughter after the initial reveal, telling the rest of the Foundation that this is exactly what they deserve after they forced him to be George W. Bush for several years.
  • There was one other potentially suitable Reality Sink the Foundation could have used: Dr. Clef. Everybody immediately agrees that Trump as president is the lesser of two evils.
  • And when Trump actually does win? A despondent Elias crashes at Sophia's house and keeps throwing cold fries at the TV, while Clef hightails it to Italy.
  • Throughout the entire first half, they don't even have to do anything, completely baffling them.
  Dr. Light: Every step of the way, when we were trying to purposefully corrupt the American political sphere, there was somebody already there. Someone with their foot already on the gas. Our potential grassroots campaigns in swing states? We didn't need them. They sprung up on their own. The demonstrations, the covert operations, the under-the-table deals. All of it.
  • The caption for this image◊, which might well be one of the most surreal things ever uttered in the franchise:
    Powerful wizard Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
  • While the majority of the team are utterly depressed that they have to work on getting such a vile man into office, one of them is actually a Trump supporter. His emails to Sophia about how proud he is of their work are all ignored.
  • Bonus points for the Running Gag of every email containing the phrase "As a centrist..."
  • Part of the reason the Mueller investigation started was because someone tipped off the FBI to possible Foundation involvement in the election. The anonymous informant? Dr. Spanko. Last time he showed up in an election-related SCP, he was being helpful to the Foundation, and now he's causing headaches for them. Maybe they forgot to compensate him for the "Hanging Chad" votes incident in Florida in 2000?
  • The meeting between the Trumps and a group of undercover Foundation personnel (Sophia Light, Crow, Shaw and Kiryu) attempting to get the Mueller investigation off their tails reads like a Saturday Night Live sketch, with Trump talking entirely in self-aggrandizing, semi-coherent rambling and Eric Trump talking about the time he and one of his associates buried a prostitute the latter had killed like a kid talking about an unusual day at school. And then the meeting ends with Shaw announcing that he had soiled himself.
    • Crow developed a complex system of barks and doglike actions to communicate without alerting the Trumps. And then it turns out none of the other three had any experience understanding said system.
  • And then Tiffany Trump falls under the influence of the demon, and Ruth Bader Ginsburg ends up having to confront them. Not only is she utterly gleeful at the prospect of actually fighting the demon, she considers the idea of killing Tiffany frosting on the cake. Using the opening Tiffany gave him, the demon absorbs Don Jr., Eric and Ivanka, merging them into a grotesque monster, which Ginsburg attacks:
    Now, by the power vested in me by Big Ben Franklin's Academy for Wizards and the United States Federal Government, I hereby demand that you eat - my - ass!
  • In the end, Ginsburg seals the demon and saves Don Jr., Eric and Ivanka, though Tiffany is reduced to Ludicrous Gibs. But that doesn't matter, since so few people ever saw Tiffany anyway.
• SCP-5045, You Get Used to It, is pretty strange, and can get rather frightening... But what is funny, are the goats themselves. They're all drawn in wildly different styles with very little cohesion or... quality, really. Going through the images shows some gems such as a "goat" that's just a puddle with a goat face and horns, a goat with proportions not unlike Mike Wazowski, and a constantly screaming goat head on a bloblike body on two squares for feet. Farmer must have a very generous idea of what constitutes a "goat".
• SCP-5083, Go For Gold!, is best described as a Benny Hill chase made into a Keter-class SCP:
  • The SCP itself is an event where a very confused gold man (SCP-5083-1) manifests in a random location broadcasted by the asteroid Eunike 185. Everyone who has line of sight to the man is compelled to chase and eat him, the consumed portions converting to the consistency of edible matter, and everyone who eats the man gets a cash prize. As shown in the page image and Incident 1, it gets hilariously out of hand very quickly.
  • Already gut-bustingly silly enough, the article's incident logs show that the gold man can show up to the most inconvenient of gatherings, like a funeral. Selling the humongous Mood Whiplash is how seamlessly the person giving the eulogy goes from proper decorum to lusting after that sweet, sweet, bullion:
    Tyson: Without Blake I really wouldn't be who I am today. So much of what I love was given to me by him. My love of fishing, my guitar and, of course, my favorite dish: Raw gold. Whenever I eat it, I think of Blake, and… I'm hungry for it now. I'm hungry for raw, uncooked gold.
    SCP-5083-1: Where the fuck am I?
    Tyson: Come here won't you, yellow man?
  • Incident 22 shows that whoever's running the operation thought it would be funny to send the next gold man to a heated O5 meeting, where the staff and site are armed with Magitek galore; the 12 most powerful men in the world are then reduced to a bunch of greedy Manchildren turning the high-tech site into the place of a heated gunfight. And that's nothing to say of how the whole mess starts in the first place:
    (O5-1 is calling a vote on a budget plan, with repeated "ayes" from the rest of the council plus one "nay" from O5-5)
    O5-7: Aye...
    (SCP-5083-1 materializes in the center of the conference table while O5-7 speaks.)
    ...want to eat the gold man.
• SCP-5092, The President of The United States Will Scratch Their Nose at 7:53 PM: "At 20:21, Overseer Command contacted Site-12, located within the Washington metropolitan area, to assemble a temporary MTF for the purpose of making the President scratch his nose."
  Agent Ryu: Scratch your fucking nose, Obama!
• SCP-5104, Urgent Massage, starts with a disturbing picture of an Eldritch Abomination, and its pursuit of a man who can intrinsically sense its approach. All tension melts away with the reveal that the mostly-spine creature just wants its back realigned by the Person of Interest, who is a chiropractor with glowing reviews.
• The Epic Failure of a spot check by the decryption team on mysterious extraterrestrial message SCP-5149, None of us are blind, Joe. They spent almost nine months and 250 tests trying to figure it out... until a newbie suggested they run it against nonverbal languages, and they decided to humor him, only to find out it was Braille. The article ends with the statement that the decryption team has been reassigned and is being considered for demotion. Oh, and the message they spent so long trying to decipher? Here's what it says:
  HELP I CAN'T FUCKING SEE
• While SCP-5167 is a somewhat sad story once you start looking deeper into it, the fact remains that this is a story about a Greek god integrating himself into Among Us, causing those who interact with him to develop Capgras delusion (the belief that those around them have been replaced with identical impostors). The fact that the article's mainlist title is "When the Impostor is Sus" is the cherry on top. There's also the spectacular Mood Whiplash of the in-game log, as he complains that his wikipedia article is only three sentences, where Phthonus's Motive Rant is met with twelve seconds of silence, followed by:

  your mom: red is sus
  xg1200: yeah, vote red

• SCP-5175, DEATH KNIFE, is a magic knife that happens to be wielded by an idiotic weeaboo who claims to be the reincarnation of a Japanese samurai warrior. (The knife is explicitly stated to be Moroccan in design, meaning the wielder probably mistook it for a katana.) Most of the article plays off the humor of the knife's extreme effectiveness in combat combined with its owner's cringeworthy antics, up to and including speaking (bad) Japanese in an attempt to sound like a badass anime hero.
  SCP-5175-1: Kuchi no naka de kinō shinai burēdo no watashi no aji.^note . Loosely translates to 'taste mine of the blade nonfunctional in your mouth'.
• SCP-5254, Gotta Catch 'Em All, is a phenomenon where people and objects transform into Pokémon when adorned with merchandise resembling a specific species' anatomy. While the reason this is happening is unnerving, the article does have some levity:
  • One of the tests to replicate the SCP's effects involves a D-class wearing a Detective Pikachu mask, who gets told off for saying the experiment is stupid.
  • Several tests involve D-class personnel in Pikachu onesies.
  • The last listed test consists of a D-class in a Pikachu mascot suit that's dressed up to look like Thor, complete with blond wig. The page for the SCP even has a picture of said costume.
  • The Foundation's main means of preventing future SCP-5254 instances is sabotaging the reputation of the Pokémon franchise so people are less inclined to dress up as Pokémon. One act of sabotage is said to be releasing Pokémon Sword and Shield with a limited number of Pokémon to stir up fandom outrage. In other words, the SCP Foundation is responsible for Dexit.
• SCP-5320, The People's Church Of The Fish That Just Goes On Forever:
  • SCP-5320 is an incredibly long ^note The Foundation hasn't found its head or tail yet, and it's recorded to be at least 37,000 kilometers long snailfish. The description also notes some things that have resulted from viewing SCP-5320, such as increased awareness of time passage and ceiling tile numbers, and increased usage of the memetic phrase "long boy".
  • There also appears to be some sort of religious "cult" formed from SCP-5320's containment staff called "The People's Church of the Fish That Just Goes On Forever". The funny thing is that they treat SCP-5320 like a god; celebrating whenever a body part is found (such as a fin), providing "offerings" (read: vending machine snacks) to the break room microwave, giving it godly titles (The Fish That Just Goes On Forever, Our Merciful and Long Lord, Its Glorious Infinitude; Hail Its Everlasting Fish Body), and even praying to the SCP for blessings.
  • The staff's odd behaviour causes Agent Rachel Summers to investigate if the SCP has any mind-affecting properties. It turns out, SCP-5320 does not have any mind-affecting properties, the staff's behaviour is simply a very elaborate, boredom-driven running joke. It reaches its comedic peak when Agent Summers reveals that similar cases have shown up three times before.
    There was a part of me hoping this one would turn out to be real. But alas, I return to my desk. It appears not even Foundation staff are immune to the human drive to make up dumb superstitions when they're bored.
• SCP-5404, Linguistic Minefield (Boom-Boom Words), describes a situation where the Foundation finds its vernacular severely restricted due to some group that doesn't like them tampering with language itself, causing certain words to trigger something quite literally unspeakably bad. The premise isn't terribly funny, but seeing the Foundation reduced to speaking like cavemen to get around the effects and unironically using the term "boom-boom" to describe the SCP is hilarious.
• SCP-5441, S03 E02 - "The Intern", is a bureaucratic anomaly causing the Foundation's records department to function in the manner of a "The Office"-style mockumentary. Furthermore, the anomaly can only be consciously perceived if recorded using audiovisual media or a screenplay format.
• SCP-5443, Apocalyptic evil? We got some in the back: A guy gets The Foundation's attention by using fire abilities. He informs them of a great evil that he and his people buried a millenia ago that's about to awaken. While he describes the "Choilapatai" (he refuses to speak the name so he writes it on paper), the Site Director recognizes the descriptions and prints out another SCP document showing that they already contained him with "minor injuries, no casualties". Even the dangerous cognitohazardous properties of its name (misspelled as Choy Lapatay) merely cause mild headaches now. Then the Site Director leaves while a junior researcher continues the interview and gives SCP-5443 permission to view the creature in captivity. After this he loses motivation to continue the training he did to combat evil.
• SCP-5510, Universal Remote, is a TV remote whose document writeup is left unfinished. As it turns out, the remote can alter reality, with rewind button slowing it down, fast-forward speeding it up, and etc. Guess where it was left unfinished? Answer: describing the effects of the pause button.
• SCP-5659, Deus Sex Machina, is a fallen god of lust who grows bigger when negative emotions are nearby. And so it grows enough to cause a catastrophic breach... only it chooses February 14 to do so, and so things don't go as expected. The clincher is the image of a "spontaneous civilian rally" that helped...
• SCP-5706, SKYRIM SPEED RUN PRANK!!!!! (GONE WRONG!) [GONE SEXUAL!!] {NOT CLICKBAIT!!!}, is Skyrim ported to a sexually transmitted disease, with patient zero being a Todd Howard doppelganger at an E3 orgy. What pushes the article over the brink is that it states that the Skyrim experience lasts for the duration of orgasm, then provides a footnote and citation for how long that is.
• Tanhony, creator of the aforementioned Among Us-themed SCP-5167, would go on to produce its sequel: SCP-5761, "When the Impostor is Sus II: Nightmare Hour", the story of how the Foundation accidentally caused a supercomputer to become a literal god of Among Us.
  • One of the absolute best parts comes from the scene in which Mary Ross informs Director Werner- who also handled SCP-5167 when it was still an active SCP- what she believes is happening onboard the ISS:
    Mary: There is a working theory, but it's fairly… I'm not sure if it's one you'd especially care for.
    Director Werner: (laughs) It doesn't matter if I'd care for it, Ross, it matters whether it's right or not. Out with it.
    Mary Ross: We think it might be about Among Us.
    Director Werner: No.
    (Pause.)
    Mary Ross: Yes, I'm afraid that's what the… what the evidence seems to point to, sir. The — the number of people taken to the station, the — the tasks they're being made to perform, the killings — they, they are reminiscent of the game. You have to admit.
    Director Werner: (laughs) No, no no no, no I do not have to admit. Do you — do you understand that 5167 was a colossal embarrassment for my office? I — I had to go to O5-9 and request one of his Learning Computers to do nothing but play Among Us all day for a year, do you understand?
    Mary Ross: Yes, sir.
    Director Werner: He laughed at me. Generally, generally, the O5 don't laugh at people. He pointed and laughed at me. It was awful.
    Mary Ross: I'm sorry to hear that, sir.
  • If the fact that the newly-ascended Meville refers to itself as "always and eternally sus" in his Motive Rant doesn't have you laughing, then the fact that he chooses his divine name to be "Amogusrath" certainly will. In the next transcript, Director Werner pointedly refuses to call the entity by its chosen name, clearly fed up with the entire situation.
  • By the start of the third act, the situation has gone From Bad to Worse, as SCP-5761-1 (Amogusrath) has taken Phthonus to the ISS and the Foundation has no leads on how to contain the two. However, Mary Ross informs an increasingly panicked and frustrated Director Werner that there is one piece of good news: SCP-5761-1 has left behind a single line of communication to the outside world. Director Werner asks what this line of communication is... and does not like the answer he gets:
    Mary Ross: It's… it's an open session of Among Us, sir.
    (Director Werner places his elbows on the table and puts his head in his hands. He begins to silently weep.)
  • At the end of the article is a list of charges pressed against Mary Ross as a result of the incident. Due to the nature of the whole thing she is pardoned from all of them... except the last one which is using an official Foundation computer to edit Wikipedia. In addition, Phthonus' Wikipedia page is, as of February 11th 2023, six sentences and very informative, implying that that Mary Ross is the reason.
• SCP-5776, 100% MOST DEFINITELY A KETER, is an entity that modifies documents about itself in a similar vein to SCP-488-JP, but only files that it is aware of. Reading the attached file reveals its true form to be a marshmallow with a face.
  Despite what you may be told, it is 100% not a common food product.
• SCP-5983, Nuke York, Nuke York, is the relationship between an explosion in Drawing County, Wyoming, and the efficiency of the New York City Subway - specifically, the bigger the explosion's yield, the better the subway functions that day. When the O5 Council discovered an O5 Directive had resulted in it being tested 297 times in the two years since its discovery, all but one of them voted to decommission testing. The only one to vote against it was O5-12:
  In my defense, if you've ever been on the 8:30 to Broadway, you'd want to nuke something too.

Series VII (SCPs 6000-6999)

• Pretty much everything that came out of the unofficial MEMECON is humorous, just by its very premise: "Can you turn internet memes into legitimate SCPs?" The fact that most of them are played completely seriously just makes them funnier when you realize what meme it's referencing (or, failing that, reading the author's comments).
  • SCP-6085, It's NO Better to be Safe than Sorry! Take On Me! Take Me On! I'll be Gone… in a Day or Two!, is a rather literal interpretation of "Take On Me"'s famous music video, which only activates when the actual song or a remix of it is played within earshot. People sucked into SCP-6085 are gone for up to 48 hours (or "In a day or two"), firearms are always conveniently dropped before entering the comic book (the hostile bikers in the music video only ever use melee weapons like wrenches), and when the victim escapes, at least one of the comic book's residents manifests in the real world for up to 24 hours (referencing the end of the music video, where the main character of the comic book escapes).
  • SCP-6529, Eternal, the Feline Form Extends, is the result of the author realizing that the Longcat meme has been around for 15 years at the time of writing - "ancient" by technology standards. The SCP article takes Longcat's "ancient"-ness to its logical conclusion, extrapolating its history all the way back to the 18th century, with the SCP in question being a box of art supplies containing the conceptual embodiment of elongation in its central drawer (and a certain half-cat being one of its victims).
  • SCP-6590, ULTIMATE SHOWDOWN, is an anomalous Flash file containing a lot of classified info about the Foundation and things contained by it. It also replicates itself in proportion to how aggressively the Foundation tries to delete instances of it off the Internet. Turns out that was the wrong approach, as the Foundation eventually figured that using their resources to influence tech companies to abandon Flash altogether made their job a whole lot easier. Oh, and the anomalous Flash in question? An SCP-themed version of "The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny". Despite all the grief it's caused the Foundation, the man in charge of containing it kept a non-anomalous MP3 of it for others to listen to, because he found it pretty funny.
    • That man's name? Neil Connors.
  • SCP-6599, HOGSLICE, is an anomalous individual with the appearance of Scott Steiner, who starts arguments on various hobbyist message boards (always communicating in ALL CAPS) and manifests in the houses of those it argues with to brutally beat them up over these disagreements. However, after fighting an equally hammy and eccentric Foundation agent, the entity decides to look into self-improvement and anger management therapy...while still posting about these pursuits in its violently Large Ham style. Also crosses over into being heartwarming, given that the anomaly seems to sincerely want to improve its behaviour. Its comments on a forum about gardening has to be seen to be believed.
    HELLO DOUCHEBAGS.
    SOME ASSHOLE TOLD ME I NEEDED TO TOUCH GRASS AND WHEN I DID I REALLY LIKED IT. I WOULD LIKE TO GROW MORE GRASS PLEASE.
    I HAVE A FEW QUESTIONS. ANSWER THEM OR IM GONNA THROW SHIT:
    IM VERY TALL DOES THAT SCARE THE GRASS LIKE IT DOES PEOPLE?
    I LIKE THE SMELL BUT IT ONLY HAPPENS WHEN IT GETS CUT. DOES THE GRASS LIKE BEING CUT OR IS IT A BITCH?
    I WANT TO HAVE THE MOST GODDAMN GRASS THIS SIDE OF THE COUNTRY. HOW MUCH GRASS IS THAT. I ALSO WANT ENOUGH TO SHOVE UP THAT FUCKER WHO TOLD ME TO TOUCH GRASS'S ASS
  • SCP-6930, 🔴 Paty Is Streaming Now! otherwise known as "Paty" [sic], is literally a Pattern Screamer turned into a Virtual YouTuber. Yes, a sentient fragment of a destroyed universe who only exists conceptually decided to get Internet famous by being a cute anime girl. She even gets her own "antis" (a VTuber fan term for haters/trolls) in the form of undercover SCP agents trying to bully Paty off of YouTube by meme-ing about her on Reddit, when shutting down her streams via "thaumaturgical firewalls" proves to be a fruitless endeavor. By the end of the article, an SCP front company introduces Paty to hololive after a complete character rewrite as an apology for their unethical conduct.
• SCP-6135, We Didn't Start the SCP (Or Anomalous Item #6135, as the article calls it) isn't really funny on its own, as it's just an extended version of Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire" with the only anomalous thing about it being that Joel denies having recorded it and it contains references to pop-culture that had yet to exist. What is funny is its title "We Didn't Start the SCP".
• SCP-6140, The True Empire, depicts a successful ritual to revive the Daevite Empire, an aggressive and militaristic society built around a Religion of Evil, with an apocalyptic buildup of the Foundation scrambling to find the resources to combat this empire. This culminates...in the ritual revealing that the Daevites are actually a perfectly normal state in Central Asia. Instead of being an Always Chaotic Evil slave-holding empire that never develops culturally, the real Daevite culture evolved much like any real civilization, no longer practices slavery, and generally seems to be a very pleasant place. The cherry on top is the reason for this entire debacle: its portrayal as an unrepentantly evil civilization was the result of an 18th-century English aristocrat who fabricated a Darker and Edgier version of the real Daevite state based on its myths, then used magic to remove the real Daevite state from reality. Evil Is Petty (Orientalism Is Petty?) doesn't even come close to describing the colossal ridiculousness of this act.
• SCP-6263, The Instant Karma, is the phenomenon of correcting someone else's spelling or grammar, only to end up immediately making a similar error yourself, which gets more likely, and more severe, the more vehement the initial correction was. One Foundation staff member is so enraged by the article and its lack of evidence they end up becoming the evidence for SCP-6263, just as anticipated.
• SCP-6287, Small Town Living, is a very short article about a town that just up and vanished. Why is it so short? Because when an agent was sent to investigate, he heard a loud crunching sound. Turns out the town was shrunken. And he just stepped on the entire thing.
• SCP-6367, Here Lies An Ordinary Chair, is a chair sitting in the Algerian desert. When sat in by an agent, the agent is unable to leave the chair or be removed from it, not because of any force holding him back or some form of cognitohazard, but because the chair is just that comfortable. It becomes darkly funny in the testing logs, where one method used to coerce the agent was to show him a video of his family pleading for him to leave the chair and come home. His response was to call his lawyer and divorce his wife. In the end, the only way to remove the agent is to bring in another version of him from a parallel universe, who manages to convince the agent to get up, only for the alternate agent to sit in the chair.
• SCP-6368, Dead-End Job, is the ghost of Christopher Heathers, a secretary at the Foundation's Department for the Departed, known to his colleagues mainly for being obsessed with record-keeping. He was so obsessed with record-keeping that for almost fifty years he was completely unaware he'd died and become a ghost. The Foundation kept him around because he was good at his job - so good, in fact, that he was more effective than having the department's archives digitized, so they had regular interviews to make sure he remained earthbound. However, when he was asked if he'd ever felt professionally slighted, he complained about being overlooked, and began explaining his theory as to why:
  SCP-6368: [...] After we got the Site back under control after the breach, I went back to finish the reorganisation, and changed the whole thing. You see, I’d dropped a file the day before, and it made me realize that the sys–
  Purdie: Is that file CH-1938-RH?
  SCP-6368: That’s right! That’s the one! I couldn’t find it where I dropped it, the next day. It was just gone. And looking for it made me realize–
  Purdie: Oh, don’t worry about that. Like I said, I’ve been reading the reports of that incident. They found the file: it’d slipped underneath one of the shelving units and got all dusty, so the folks who were cleaning the site where you… uh, fell… they took it away to clean it up.
  SCP-6368: You found the file? That’s good! So my theory on the matter is– oh. [He pauses.] That’s changed things a little.
  [SCP-6368’s skin glows brighter, becoming incandescent.]
  SCP-6368: I was more than a pencil-pusher, Anna. I did have a life. Did no-one care?
  Purdie: What?
  SCP-6368: The way you all remembered me, it’s hurtful. Things are a lot clearer now. I’m through.
  Purdie: You’re… You’re through?
  [Silence on recording. SCP-6368’s hair wafts, caught by gusts of wind. His skin glows brighter.]
  Purdie: You’re passing on? Because of a file?
  SCP-6368: Isn’t it wonderful?
  Purdie: Fifty years of un-death over a fucking document. You are shitting me, Chris!
  [The wind surrounding SCP-6368 picks up speed.]
  SCP-6368: Please, Anna. I am at peace now. Besides, I wasn’t shitting you. I haven’t done that in–
  [Heathers is speaking, but his words are inaudible over the wind. He continues to glow brighter. Operative Purdie shields her eyes. The security camera is unable to adapt to the brightness.]
  [Thirty seconds later, the whiteout fades. Operative Purdie is alone in the interview room.]
  Purdie: Fuck.
• SCP-6499, dubbed ⚠ REMAIN CALM ⚠, is a book with "multiple chapters on psychological theory and practices ranging from meditation exercises to US Navy Seals techniques on keeping calm during a battle", and has the effect of keeping the reader safe in extreme danger, and wholly uninterested in their peril. The document is repeatedly interrupted by escalating warnings of containment breaches which climax in the site's nuclear self-destruct. The researcher appends that she has come under the SCP's effect:
  Dr. L. Glaslow: Even though she was instructed to seek shelter as well, the subject prioritized acquiring coffee and finalizing the documentation she had been assigned.
  WARNING: THE SITE 196 NUCLEAR DEVICE HAS BEEN TRIGGERED. COUNTDOWN INITIATED: 10 9 8
  Dr. L. Glaslow: The subject feels no discomfort as the nuclear device underneath her workplace was triggered and instead enjoyed a sip of good coffee while saving the final edits she made on the file.
  • Also funny is that, as above, this was a MEMECON entry that missed the deadline, so it's an SCP version of the "this is fine" meme.
• SCP-6503, Summus Pontifex Legitimus A.K.A The Catholic Mecha, must be seen to be believed. It's a Catholic Humongous Mecha piloted by a skeleton who has declared himself the Pope, and yells Neon Genesis Evangelion and Warhammer 40,000 references in butchered Latin. These references go completely over the Foundation's head, leading to them trying to identify the holy text referred to as "Nova Genesi Evangelii."
• SCP-6593, Only Cans, is a talking vending machine that gets turned on sexually when someone's using it, or looks like they're about to do so, and has no compunction about letting everyone in the vicinity know. After a memorable incident where it climaxed and released all its food and drinks into its retrieval slot, staff have been trying to get it to do it again so they can get free stuff.
  • A note at the end of the article adds that methods they've tried include rattling coins while they browse and pressing the buttons down longer than necessary; however, only the initial method - which boiled down to taking a long time to pick something - appears effective in creating a flood of free food. The machine has an edging kink.
• Among the entries in SCP-6614, Fly Me To The Moon, a list of anomalous manned moon missions, is one for Switzerland, which reveals they managed to win the space race and make it to the moon before the USA and USSR simply by having their population vote for it. Upon discovering this, the Foundation authorizes investigations into the anomalous properties of the Swiss federal votation apparatus.
• While most of SCP-6666, The Demon Hector and the Dread Titania, is far darker, the interview between Clef and 343 is pretty amusing, as Clef clearly doesn't want to be there and is not having any of 343's delusions of grandeur. 343 also drops most of his normal theatrics and gets pretty casual when Clef reveals that he knows his history.
  343: I don't, what? How do you know about that?
  Clef: Cain gave you away. Said if he'd known you were living here he would've warned us ages ago. Also said you were a legendary con-man and grifter, with delusions of grandeur.
  343: I mean, delusions feels like a little much. God dammit, Cain. Cain the Wanderer. Plainswalker. Bastard.
• SCP-6750, All-O-Ween About Halloween: Presented By Sam Hain, a series of Halloween-related PSAs hosted by a boogieman named Sam Hain. The reason he's making these PSAs? He's in debt.
  • Special mention goes to his video on Trick-or-Treating safety, in which he finds a chocolate bar with a hidden communication device to "hear the sweet, sweet sounds of your child's digestive system" and an AR-15 with an M&M taped to it.
  SCP-6750-1: Now would you look at this? Someone hid a firearm in my M&Ms!
  • Things get even more hilarious when Sam loses his boogeyman license and is forced to make a valentine's day tape just to keep his head above the water.. The crowning moment being when he tricks one of his classmates, a 'human' known as Jess, into riding a homemade tunnel of love with him...or at least Sam's version of one.
• SCP-6764, a.k.a. Maddie, is a ghost who keeps trying to convince people to get into deadly situations so they'll die and she can have some company. Thing is, she succeeds... and almost immediately regrets it, because her new companion is so annoying she starts looking for exorcists to make him go away.
• SCP-6802, Soupdog, is a golden retriever wearing a harness that reads "SOUP DOG." At random intervals, this otherwise normal dog will begin seeking soup, and when it finds it, proceeds to forcefully inhale the soup at a rate of 100 litres per second which, as the article states, is roughly equivalent to the flow of a fire hose.
• SCP-6861, Sic Semper Tyrannosaurus, is the dead body of a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Not so strange for the Foundation, until it is noted that up until the moment of its death, everyone perceived the T-Rex as a human. As you read further into the article, facts about the T-Rex's life are revealed, until it becomes obvious that this full-size T-Rex was actually former President of the United States Abraham Lincoln. And at the end of the article, examination of John Wilkes Booth's body revealed he was actually a Spinosaurus with the same anomalous property.
• SCP-6959, A Very Strange Fumo, is a Cirno fumo made entirely out of strange matter. The fact that a Cirno fumo is potentially capable of causing an XK-Class scenario isn't even the funny part; the funny part is that the object is found to be completely nonanomalous, other than the sheer oddity of the object having come into existence through completely natural means. The two researchers end up getting into a fistfight over the implication that a Touhou plushie is in some way the perfect state of matter.
• SCP-6969, the joke is sex, isn't particularly funny by itself — it's a thaumaturgical anomaly that causes men who ejaculate to undergo a "Groundhog Day" Loop for an unknown period of time, appearing as a few seconds long to third parties, and the sperm's genetics change after the anomaly ceases. More unfortunate victims lose all neurological function or just outright disintegrate, depending on how long their temporal loop went on for. Needless to say, there is no humor in the article itself, save for the Foundation's countermeasure being called the Thaumaturgical Interpolator Termination String. What is funny is that the author knew damn well they weren't going to let the opportunity pass for SCP-6969 to be anything other than overtly sexual, naming the SCP "the joke is sex" and even saying as much in the initial discussion thread.
  Yossipossi: hey yeah this is a shitpost i typed out in two and a half hours and it might be funny/scary or something idk lol. i wrote this 'cause I didn't see anyone trying to make a SCP-6969-worthy article so, eh.

Series VIII (SCPs 7000-7999)

• SCP-7025, You will be killed by a bus, is a simple statistical anomaly that Foundation personnel around the Great Lakes are at signficantly higher risk of bus-related deaths. The log of notable instances quickly escalate from simple accidents to something out of Final Destination, such as a bus driving off a bridge, killing the Foundation workers inside as well as another swimming in the river below, and then entangling an agent diving to investigate the wreck. Personnel have become so on edge that a bus backfiring gave one a fatal heart attack. The real stinger after all those convoluted deaths, however, is the final one:
  Norina Calabrese, logistics driver: Immolated by an exploding bus.
• SCP-7169, Big Atmosphere Planetary GF. A planet joins Tinder and gets matched with a Foundation janitor. They get into planetary dirty talk.
• SCP-7328, Alien Evasion, is about a UFO full of cephalopod aliens with antimemetic powers trying to plot an invasion. They start by sending one down to steal O5-1's credentials and log into the SCP database... and eventually come across SCP-001. The scout's brain is fried and the rest of the crew wisely decides to back off, but not before going into a complete panic and beaming a horde of messages to a transmitter. When the Foundation translates the log nearly a year later, all they find is this, proving Ascended Fridge Horror can be Played for Laughs:
  WHAT KIND OF PLANET IS THIS
• SCP-7398, Cabbybara.
  • Intoxicated persons in the Brazilian state of São Paulo who just got out of a social function and attempt to use a rideshare app instead get rerouted to the "Cabbybara" app, which provides them with a much sooner ride. The vehicle in question is driven by a capybara, hence the Punny Title. Everyone who rides with this inexplicably drive-capable capybara falls asleep as the ride begins, and wakes back up as they arrive. Then the capybara gets out of the vehicle and behaves just like a non-anomalous capybara, albeit looking a bit thirsty.
  • How did the Foundation capture one of these capybara cabbies? They get a D-class piss drunk so that the app will be summoned. When the capybara pulls up to them, the drunken D-class yoinks the capybara out of the car while proudly boasting "I got the dog!"
  • Then they get an email from Barles Barkley, the "Cap'n Bara" of the "Bara Business Bureau", who writes them an email in a stereotypical New Yorker accent, offering information about the BBB if they return the captured 'bara to the BBB. The BBB is headquartered in the Staten Island Zoo. Barkley comes to pick up the captive capybara in a rally car, performing some advanced drifting techniques along the way. And this is not the first time the BBB's had one of their capybaras abducted, apparently:
    "As Cabbybara is affiliated with the BBB, it is extended legal protections, such as protection from kidnapping of employees. This is not an uncommon practice, as capybaras are considered by their clients to be 'cute' and 'friend-shaped'."
  • Due to the copious number of used bottles of Jack Daniel's found in Barkley's car, as well as the dehydrated status of SCP-7398-1 instances after finishing their drives, the Foundation theorizes that these capybara cabbies become better drivers as they get MORE drunk. They also determine that Barles must have been driving with a BAC of at least eight percent.
• SCP-7399, Notice of Review by the Records, Archival, and Information Security Administration. RAISA contacts Site-333 about why they haven't submitted their annual records. What follows is their desperate attempts to cover up the fact that they are probably the most unprofessional site in the Foundation, and it's all hilarious.
• SCP-7621, Bad and Naughty Dice Go to Dice Jail, is a phenomenon that changes the effects of anomalous dice which get put in any container that's called a "dice jail". Cue hilarity:
  Die Number: SCP-7621-1
  Initial Anomaly: A twenty-sided die that is abnormally loud when rolled.
  Final Anomaly: A twenty-sided die capable of speech.
  Notes: This is the first recorded manifestation of SCP-7621, discovered when its owners got annoyed at how loud it was and jokingly put it in a box to “think about what it’s done.” It then proceeded to relentlessly insult its owners, comparing them to corrupt cops and stating that they cannot silence the truth. It is unclear what truth the anomaly was referring to, as it has yet to express anything other than indignation at being imprisoned.
  
  Die Number: SCP-7621-The Chaz
  Initial Anomaly: A six-sided The Chaz that can only be referred to as The Chaz.
  Final Anomaly: A six-sided Larry that can only be referred to as Larry.
  Notes: It is believed that SCP-7621 has caused Larry to reconsider its name, as the name “The Chaz” was found to have a rating of -2 Gells. Foundation personnel have expressed relief at not needing to use the name again.
  Footnote: [Gells are an] objective anomalous measurement of how “cool” something is, with a previous theoretical minimum of 0.
  
  Die Number: SCP-7621-1
  Initial Anomaly: A twenty-sided die capable of speech.
  Final Anomaly: A twenty-sided die that only lands on 1.
  Notes: The die created in the first manifestation was incredibly verbally abrasive, and had been the cause of thirty-two personnel being committed to the psychiatric unit, so SCP-7621-1 was placed in a soundproof box labeled “Dice Containment”. This inadvertently activated SCP-7621. Personnel familiar with role-playing games consider the new anomaly to be significantly worse, and some speculate the new anomaly was intended as revenge against the researchers for imprisoning the die again.
  
  Die Number: SCP-7621-3
  Initial Anomaly: A four-sided die that is anomalously likely to be stepped on.
  Final Anomaly: A four-sided die with human legs that steps on the feet of persons within one foot of the die.
  Notes: SCP-7621-3 was neutralized after it accidentally stepped on a separate four-sided die, causing it to scream out in pain before exploding into hundreds of dice. These dice all have a very high probability of being stepped on. Research is being performed into weaponizing the new dice against hostile groups of interest.
  
  Die Number: SCP-7621-1
  Initial Anomaly: A twenty-sided die that only lands on 1, created in the third log.
  Final Anomaly: SCP-7621-1 spontaneously burst into flames and disappeared from its container.
  Notes: A piece of parchment was found in the container that stated the die was sent directly to Dice Hell for egregiously immoral rolls, which was mentioned to be one of the “Seven Dicely Sins”. It is unclear what the remaining six sins are.
• The horror-filled SCP Anthology series stops to offer some levity on day 28 with SCP-7933, "X is for X-ing." It's a pataphysical phenomenon where narratives are suddenly cut off by the characters and/or setting being overrun by hundreds of mandrills, followed by the total conversion of infected videos into a Stylistic Suck nature reel called munky x-ing. While the greater implications aren't so fun (it's like SCP-2112 in that it will eventually ruin all forms of human creativity if allowed to spread), we get treated to two incident logs nigh-impossible to take seriously because of the context and, of course, the monkeys: a live opera show whose actors fall comatose but not before making their deaths as hammy as humanly possible, and a note from the Administrator saying everything's going to be okay — wait, what's that crashing noise? The document then ends on a revised note from a suitably-frustrated Fritz who really does not want to type that out again. The monkeys get out anyway. Human art might be doomed after all. It's still bleakly hilarious either way.
  Chorus: Monkeys, monkeys!
  Rigoletto: They bite me once again! How I die!
  Chorus: Monkeys, monkeys!
  Marullo: I am also having my arms torn off by monkeys.
  Chorus: Monkeys, monkeys! Everybody is now dead.
• SCP-7976, All's Ferret in Love & War, is a trio of ordinary ferrets that inexplicably possess phenomenal geopolitical expertise and have written multiple papers proposing solutions to current events. This article is rather brief, but it's a masterclass in stoic observation in the face of absurdity.
  • The article initially refers to the ferrets as a business. The footnote quickly clarifies this is just a scientific term for a group of ferrets and SCP-7976, for all their intelligence, are not running a business.
  • The ferrets were initially just lab animals until the Foundation encountered their talents naturally. Researcher Chan, the one who discovered their anomalous properties, declined to answer why he was giving ferrets college-level exams on political science.
  • It slowly becomes clear that the ferrets, despite their knowledge, still have... a certain bias. When reading through their papers, it's noted by reviewers that, while their solutions are sound, they're also extremely callous towards life and are written in a gleeful tone. Later, when an exchange with the UNGOC is proposed, a researcher interviews the ferrets to sway them into helping bring about world peace. When the ferrets refuse, the researcher points out that there are genocides happening that the ferrets could potentially stop, and implores them to give a reason as to why they won't help. The lead ferret responds in Morse code:
  SCP-7976-1: .... ..- — .- -. ... / -.. -.— .. -. —. / .-.. —- .-.. ^TranslationHUMANS DYING LOL

Series IX (SCPs 8000-8999)

• SCP-8595, Everyone's a Critic, is a cockroach that reviews all of its meals like a restaurant critic, and refuses to eat if it thinks the food's not up to par, resulting in the Foundation putting more and more effort in to present its meals like restaurant food, going from a cafe offering a Granny Smith apple, which it gave one star, to a mock-minimalist concept cafe with "Crisp tortilla with powdered oaxaca cheese and spices," (Nacho Cheese-flavored Doritos) "Deconstructed BLT," (a leaf of lettuce, a slice of bacon, a slice of tomato, and four Ritz crackers served in separate bowls), and "Dessert Eggs" (various Jelly-Belly branded jelly beans), which it gave two stars, to a high-end American steak house with beef tartare, a Wagyu tasting, and prime rib topped with lobster meat and accompanied by sides, which it gave no stars. Eventually, after looking over its reviews, they decided to bring in Site-322's dumpster and put it in a supply closet. SCP-8595 emerged 2 hours and 19 minutes later, with a one-word, five star review ("Scrumptious.").

Foreign SCPs

Japanese SCPs

• SCP-242-JP, a piggy bank that treats itself as some sort of online course. It's something of a Take That! to websites like that, forcing readers to repeatedly pay for the "premium course" to continue reading the article. The prices start off at 500 yen (approximately $5) per passage, and the price keeps going up to the point where the last sentence costs a total of twelve thousand dollars to display. And the very best part? The most expensive part in the entire article, the one that costs ten thousand US dollars? It's a single character.
• SCP-488-JP is just a pack of grey wolves who edit information about themselves insisting that they are basically all-powerful werewolves. The end result is that they mostly can't edit red text, but they will try to add extra words to twist the text written by the Foundation into, well, something else. They also aren't very good at writing. As one of the comments put it, "they are just some wolves who want to look big and bad, but they are just good boys in disguise."
• SCP-729-JP is a chair that appears in Chinese restaurants, waiting for an adult male to sit in it, upon which it enforces the tropes of Jackie Chan movies on everyone around it - the man sitting in the chair starts a fight with someone next to them, both of them break out skilled kung fu regardless of their physical condition, the man in the chair uses it, and becomes a Chairman of the Brawl, and everyone around them watches the fight rather than run away or call the police. Finally, the man who was sitting in the chair wins, his opponent faints, and he leaves the restaurant after paying for both his and his opponent's meals, upon which the chair teleports to another Chinese restaurant nearby, repairing any damage inflicted on it, ready to start the whole thing over again. If there's a hilarious Epic Fail during the fight, it neutralises the chair's effects before the fight finishes, the chair treating it as a blooper and ending the 'take'.
• SCP-835-JP, aka the story of how the Foundation created their own mascot Anti-Heroine. SCP-835-JP is a mysterious phenomenon that manifests every 1-3 months, causing Foundation personnel to disappear completely, leaving only a large puddle of blood. The only known condition for an SCP-835-JP event is that it must be in darkness; no other similarities between the events or victims have been found. SCP-835-JP's true nature is still unknown, but people being people even at the Foundation, an assistant researcher came up with Cliché Storm concept art in their free time presenting it as a Sugar-and-Ice Personality teenage girl called Yamiko Keteru, who grew up in a secret organisation trained to be an assassin, wields a kitchen knife, and can teleport and control the darkness. While the assistant researcher was subsequently punished and transferred elsewhere, SCP-835-JP was inactive for five months afterwards, and one of the doctors speculated this was because it had been affected by Foundation personnel imagining an identity for it. Therefore, they instituted Protocol Idol-835, requiring that all references to SCP-835-JP contain detailed information about Yamiko Keteru, and that all Foundation personnel be informed about her. Foundation artists were ordered to create moe artwork of her to be widely distributed around all Foundation facilities, and light novels, manga and anime about her were also created, with Foundation personnel encouraged to consume them. SCP-835-JP has never resurfaced since Protocol Idol-835, reclassified from Keter to Safe, and even though the scale of it has subsequently been toned down, art of Yamiko Keteru can still be found throughout Foundation facilities.

Spanish SCPs

• From the Spanish site, SCP-ES-061 the Alternative VHS Player (which can now be read in English here) is quite funny when it isn't made to reproduce alternate history:
  • Many of the article tests are related to Star Wars: the pic of the article is a pic of Kurt Russell as Han Solo supposedly screencapped from one test; playing a tape of The Empire Strikes Back shows Carl Weathers as Lando Calrissian and Billy Dee Wiliams as Han Solo, with no sign of romance between the latter character and Princess Leia; and one testing of A New Hope shows a movie with a remarkable similarity to George Lucas' original draft (the one with Luke Starkiller rescuing Princess Amidala and Han Solo being a bat-headed being), with the villain being played by Vincent Price of all people. Still, the doctor doing the test finds the latter film "better than the prequels anyway". And in the extended experiments, when another viewing of Episode IV brought a version where the only real change was that it now starred the 16-year old Gender Flipped version of Luke (who then developed romantic tension with Han Solo), the doctor in charge could only comment:
    Suddenly Episode VII now feels even less original.
  • A 1969 episode of Doctor Who becomes a 1972 episode of Inspector Spacetime.
  • Experimenting with porn tapes doesn't bring any change on them... except with the last one tested, where what was supposed to be a film starring three Caucasian men and an Asian woman becomes a porn tape starring transgender actors.
    • The complaints by the reborn Christian investigator and his final Rage Quit.
    • For added fun, note the initials and last name of the investigator that approves the experimentation tests, including the one with porn tapes. It refers to famous Japanese porn actress Maria Ozawa. In the words of one forumgoer: "Foundation personnel does have very interesting cover jobs".
  • Now the article has an experiments list (which has also been translated). Highlights include the knowledge that in another universe HBO would have chosen The Black Company instead of A Song of Ice and Fire for a prime time fantasy drama, the idea of a gender-flipped and middle-aged James Bond, and a very awful Direct to Video Bolivian film having absolutely no change when reproduced.
    I bet this movie couldn't be any worse. I won.
  • The same SCP turned The Lion King into The Lion President, in which Scar is a vulture joining up with a group of foxes to derail Simba's political career to stop him from becoming President of Africa.
  • The mere implication that Omega Mart is an overindulgent coverup for one of ES-061's test results getting leaked on the internet.
    Whoever leaked this online, you are demoted to D-Class. The amount of money we had to spend to cover this up was unreasonable. – Dr. Catbark
• SCP-ES-112 takes the concept of "pay to win" to literal extremes. It's a muzzleloaded rifle that can be loaded with anything, but will fire anomalous effects that scale with the value of whatever was inserted - 5 dollars get you a bunch of spitballs, while the $15,000 dollar test had to be covered with "nuclear testing".
  • A particular poem by the head researcher had a 0.19 megaton yield.
  • 20 bolivars had absolutely no effect^note For reference, 1 US dollar is equivalent to 432,485 bolivars.
  • Dr. King inserted $75. The gun fired 75 apples. He then tried loading it with an apple. It fired a voucher for the site commissary, redeemable for an apple.
  • Like SCP-261, it's not impressed by attempts to load it with fake/counterfeit cash, generating incapacitating substances that invariably end up hitting the researchers. The first such test had it firing a rolled-up drawing of a hand Flipping the Bird.
  • Clef tried loading it with SCP-447-2. It fired a dead body. Unsurprisingly, a ban on further tests with 447-2 was instated immediately afterward.
• According to SCP-ES-297, Taco Bell of all things is an infectious SCP, converting other restaurants into more instances of itself; it gradually invades an office building until everyone thinks they're working for Taco Bell despite such a company never existing before. At first, it seems like a ridiculous exaggeration of the company's omnipresence, but aggressive containment efforts lead it to first convert a shell restaurant owned by the Foundation, then to spread across Paris (converting the entire city and escaping quarantine to convert Versailles), and finally, transforming an entire Foundation site into more instances of Taco Bell. It becomes bad enough a Broken Masquerade order is passed in the hopes of shutting down the SCP. This culminates in the SCP affecting its own article, transforming its contents into a menu listing and preparation instructions for three beef Crunchy Tacos Supreme.

Other SCPs

Decommissioned SCPs

• Decommissions have been known to be a little... over-the-top. The termination of SCP-809, described by the site as a self-insert cyborg boyfriend for the (now gone) SCP-808, actually begins with a heated discussion of how to kill 809 in the most ridiculous way possible, including feeding it to 682, processing it with 914, booby-trapping 808's shower, using high-grade explosives, and throwing a rock at him ("Like a big-ass rock?" "Like as big-of-an-ass rock you can find!"). Ultimately, it was decided to restrain him with high-power electromagnets and crush him with a magnetically-pulled 10-ton weight... cast in the shape of a giant fist.
  Gephart: I do want to say one thing, though.
  Kondraki: And what's that?
  Gephart: In the end, you wound up hitting it with a rock after all.^note To add to the Brick Joke, Gephart was the one who suggested throwing a rock at him in the first place.
  <boos, catcalls>

  Interviewer: I'm just curious: was it REALLY necessary to cast the kill item in the shape of a giant steel fist?
  Dr. Clef: Not really, no.

Explained SCPs

• SCP-1337-EX is a set of NFTs that supposedly allow you to own a historical event. That's not why they were originally classified as anomalous, though (since it turns out that purchasing one of them has no actual effect on the world or timeline). The reason was that the Foundation simply could not fathom the possibility that anybody would actually be stupid enough to buy them unless they were under the influence of something anomalous.

---