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Attempts to Kill SCP- 682
For context, SCP-682 is a vaguely lizard-like... thing... that has become the living embodiment of Why Won't You Die?. Hell, it has to be kept in a 5m3 cube filled with hydrochloric acid just to keep it sedate. Naturally, other SCPs are tested to see if 682 can be killed. Hilarity Ensues.
- SCP-826 is a pair of bookends that can transport people into the universe of any story put between them.
SCP-826, equipped with one (1) copy of "The Generally Nice, Friendly Thing That Can And Will Kill SCP-682 Permanently if it So Much As Spots That Damn Lizard", a 12-page short story written by Dr. ██████, detailing a large, friendly monster that is stated to be capable of permanently killing SCP-682, and 1 (one) D-Class personnel (D-682-32) equipped with 1 (one) 2010 Ducati Multistrada motorcycle for the purpose of evading SCP-682.
Recovery personnel describe the story's pasture as having become a "Battleground", featuring impact craters with enormous body parts scattered around. Parts are thought to be from the story's "Thing". Recovered story is retitled "The Generally Nice, Friendly Thing That Tried To Kill SCP-682 Permanently But Failed", and is noticeably thicker, with 209 individual pages that detail an epic battle between the two monsters.
- Amongst the procedures trying to kill 682, one of the suggested ideas would be... to drop it from a really high place. Naturally, this gets denied.
Notes: Seriously? I mean... seriously? Drop it from an Aircraft and let it fall... who in the [DATA EXPUNGED.]
- SCP-999 is a very friendly blob of orange goo that makes people happier. Naturally, they decided to use it on 682. Hilarity Ensues.
Despite the tragedy that SCP-682 had brought upon the facility, SCP-999 has not shown any fear towards the creature and in fact has made gestures suggesting it wants to "play" with SCP-682 again. SCP-682, however, has stated, "That feculent little snot wad can [DATA EXPUNGED] and die."
Memo from Dr. ████: “While the test was unsuccessful and ended in tragedy, that had to be the funniest thing I have ever seen. I never thought I’d see the day when I would regard SCP-682 as “cute”. Please send me a copy of the security tapes ASAP.”
- It even amuses a doctor to the point of wanting the security tapes of the incident.
- Introducing SCP-682 to SCP-053, who ends up scribbling on 682 with crayons. The fact that SCP-682 let this happen, and the fact that they get along so well is somewhere between this and heartwarming, the theories concerning why this happened is Nightmare Fuel however (SCP-053 being a young girl who also happens to be Hate Plague given human form).
- In a Crosses the Line Twice example, the above inspires a "guest researcher" to put a child with 682 (one normal, one numbed so as not to cry), with the expected grisly result. Dr. Clef proceeds to throw the researcher to 682, and asks what the hell he was thinking in putting children with that monster.
- The very idea of 682 being chased around by a little bunny rabbit is just hilarious.
- During the testing of SCP-261, some of the researchers put in 500 yen and asked to be given something that could kill 682. The product they were given was a number of stick-on tattoos that basically called them idiots. In the notes, they were mocked for thinking that they could get something to get rid of 682 for just 500 yen. The constant attempts to get something to kill 682 are then lampshaded, with the question of if it's some initiation ritual amongst new researchers to do so.
- Once someone tried to introduce Dr. Clef to 682. It just stared at him while the doctor managed to escape. It absolutely wasn't an attempt on Dr. Clef's life, and 682 murdered the scientist who issued the experiment by repeatedly smashing his head without moving from his containment, or moving at all.
- After SCP-017 loses in a fight with 682, 682 says "You foul bags of tissue; you don’t [DATA EXPUNGED].".
- An attempt to bring SCP-096 in to kill 682 sees the two of them duke it out for 27 hours before they finally stop. The result? 096 huddled in a Troubled Fetal Position and 682 losing 85% of its body and being rendered utterly exhausted. So, obviously nobody won.
- Trying to repeat the experiment ended up with SCP-096 clawing at its own face and refusing to fight SCP-682.
- Once they tried to use me, SCP-426. 682 did believe it had become me, a toaster... a murderous, toast-shooting toaster. But I have to admit, the bread was perfectly toasted.
- They must be running out of ideas, or being driven batshit insane, because apparently eating 682 came up once as a suggestion. Yes, it was a suggestion by Dr. Bright, but the fact that at least one other person went along with it...
219. The fact that SCP-682 regenerates all lost tissue does not make it an "infinite hamburgers machine".1. Most especially because they tasted horrible.
- When they used SCP-507, a dimension-hopping humanoid, to terminate 682, it actually works. 63 hours later, SCP-507 returns, but this time with a 682 with wings, and a note:
Dear Universe 5802-Sigma-Blue-Romeo;It's your problem now, suckers.
- They even set Dr. Spanko against 682 by informing him that 682 is trying to rid the world of gummy worms. He confronts 682. 682 tells him to leave. He politely obeys.
- SCP-2305 spat out a failed attempt to kill 682. Apparently, reducing it to 10% of its mass and then blowing it up with enough nukes to destroy much of the moon only resulted in 682 getting big enough to eat entire planets when it recovered. And at the end, SCP-2305 had this to say:
"The moral of the story:" This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang, but a chomp. But for reals, don't fuck with the gecko. >:(
- At some point, even 2578 took a crack at taking 682 down. The thing was, the Foundation didn't even ask them to do so, and wasn't even expecting the attack; the result was, during a relatively quiet work day while maintenance was being performed on 682's enclosure, 682 found itself being shot in the head five times, followed by 682 shouting "FUCK YOU AND ALL THREE OF YOUR MOONS" at the ceiling. It's somewhat implied that the Foundation had no idea what was going on until 2578 sent them an email apologizing for being unable to deal with their "unpleasant lizard" but clarifying that no, they didn't miss.
- Another plan they don't even entertain considering is locking 682 in a cell with 173 with a picture of 096 on it. The problem is, even if 682 is killed, nothing can be done. If someone looks in, 096 attacks them. If no one looks in, 173 is loose. The entire idea is so stupidly suicidal that they can conclude the notes with "Denied with vehemence".
Tales of The Foundation
- The (NSFW) Technical Issues page. All of it.
- There is now a new version of that page written by a different person. It's just as hilarious.
- The entire log of anomalous items, but particularly these ones:
Item Description: A 76-centimeter-tall statue of a clown. In room where it was placed, a giggling sound would be noted whenever lights were turned off.Date of Recovery: 5-16-200█Location of Recovery: ██████, GermanyRecord of Destruction: Shot approximately 15 times with a 9mm sidearm by Agent ██████. Agent reprimanded. No anomalous properties recorded in the remains.Item Description: An upright piano. If a human touched any of the piano keys, the human became irresistibly compelled to play the piano and sing popular Broadway show tunes, for a period of three hours or until the player was incapacitated. It is to be noted that the item did not provide musical talent, knowledge of tunes, knowledge of lyrics, or the ability to sing on-key.Date of Recovery: 04-28-200█Location of Recovery: Recreation center at Foundation Site 33. Piano had been at that site for several years but its unusual properties did not manifest until Incident [DATA EXPUNGED].Current Status: Disassembled by sledgehammer during containment breach; resulting detritus incinerated. Residual ashes evidenced no unusual properties.Item Description: Six-sided dice that can occasionally land on a seven.Date of Recovery: ██/██/19██Location of recovery: ████████ Gaming Society in ████████, MarylandCurrent Status: Being used for research by Dr McCallum.Notes: Research my ass. He's just using the damned thing to cheat on his sneak attack damage. - Dr MorganItem Description: Glass paperweight which constantly floats exactly seven (7) centimeters above any given surface.Date of Recovery: ██-██-████Location of Recovery: ██████ Funeral Home in █████████, ██Current Status: Shattered in bizarre acapella accident. Dr. McCallum is currently being questioned.
- During the so-called Tempest Night, a lone researcher decides to take on several intruders by himself, Die Hard-style. This is what happens.
- In hindsight, the fact that SCP-173 lives for "crunch" is freaking hilarious.
- 682's communication with SCP-1548, a sentient star and fellow omnicidal maniac, must be seen to be believed.
- "Communication" only fits what it is on a technicality. They rap. In Morse Code. And it's hilarious.
- There's another rap battle featuring 682, this time against Able. It's called "Follow the Keter", and it's a sequel to whatever the hell this is (an equally funny story, particularly if you know the source material).
- Eldritch Application. Saying any more would ruin it.
- Decomm Anon. The decommed SCPs hold a meeting. It went as well as you expect.
"This is supposed to be a constructive meeting, not a contest of who has the best stories or is the least terrible. If you weren't terrible you wouldn't be here."
- One Bad Mother. If Herr Chirurg invoking Mr. Seahorse doesn't send you running for the hills from the get-go... let's just say the ending makes it work.
- This tale. It's SCP-846 and SCP-1370 in a dance-off. The joke writes itself.
- It turns out SCP-040 is a fan of Ruby Gloom. That's... surprisingly appropriate.
- During Incident 239-B, Clef despaired of the Foundation's leniency towards humanoid SCPs;
Hypothesis: if an enemy wished to destroy the Foundation, all they would need is ten nuclear weapons in the kiloton range, disguised as Girl Scouts.
- Also, there's this comment from an O5 regarding a video of Clef and Kondraki fighting:
Addendum: To the anonymous employee who took the Site-17 surveillance camera footage of Drs. Clef and Kondraki having a swordfight, set it to the Highlander theme song, and posted it to the company interweb with the title, "There Can Only Be One": We will find out who you are, and when we do, you'll be missed greatly.
P.S. Whose smart idea was it to allow SCP-076 to view the footage?
- Also, there's this comment from an O5 regarding a video of Clef and Kondraki fighting:
- The SCP Enquirer.
- "Duke til Dawn", in which an elaborate plan is enacted to terminate SCP-083—or, rather, to ride SCP-682 like a mechanical bull.
Dr. Gears: ... This allowed him to achieve what I hypothesize to be his true goal.Interviewer: ... which would be?Dr. Gears: To ride SCP-682.Excerpt from post-incident interview 083-Clef-01Dr. Clef: WAIT, WHAT!?
- While the whole Kondraki riding SCP-682 was hilarious, the highlight is when they managed to break into SCP-173's cell. The video reveals that, despite the fact that SCP-682 is still trying to get Kondraki off, they are both still maintaining eye contact with it the entire time.
- Quite possibly the second best decommissioning on the entire site.
- Dmitri's Mobile Task Force training manual.
- Consider this: The SCP Foundation is an ruthless organization that regularly deals with unimaginable Eldritch Abominations. It often allows and orders the killing and maiming of employees, and their solution to a girl who is impregnated with some kind of ultimate evil is to have her [DATA EXPUNGED] repeatedly in order to prevent her from giving birth to said evil. THEY find Dmitri's proposal to be objectionable.
- There's also this bit of severe underkill:
- The best part is that in the middle of all his ranting and raving, Dmitri includes a page on taking care of babies on the battlefield, and the officer reviewing the proposal finds it sensible.
- UPDATE: Doctor Rights had a beautiful baby girl on November 1st! Congratulations! MTF TEAM ALPHA SIX MOVE INTO POSITIONS TO SECURE THE ASSET
- This gem.
- Saturday Night SCP Showdown: A wrestling match with SCPs. Doubles as a Crowning Moment of Heartwarming when you read the author's comments:
Smpati: This tale is dedicated to the memory of the Ultimate Warrior, Paul Bearer, Gorilla Monsoon, Jack Tunney, Doink the Clown, Curt "Mr. Perfect" Hennig, Macho Man Randy Savage, and all the other since-departed legends of wrestling who gave their all in the name of entertainment.
- An April Fools Day article that was supposedly the hub for a 200+ chapter sequel to a story called "The Cool War" has more than a few gems. Including this sequence of chapter titles.
> 161. IT IS I, RUIZ, YOUR ARCH RIVAL> 162. AND NOW I MUST DESTROY YOU> 163. HYAAAAAAAAAAAAA> 164. Ruiz Charges A Blast Of Ki (Part One)> 165. Ruiz Charges A Blast Of Ki (Part Two)> 166. Ruiz Charges A Blast Of Ki (Part Three)> 167. Ruiz Charges A Blast Of Ki (Part Four)> 168. Ruiz Charges A Blast Of Ki (Part Five)> 169. Ruiz Charges A Blast Of Ki (Part Six)> 170. Ruiz Releases A Blast Of Ki (Finally)> 171. He Missed> 172. And Hit A Bus Filled With Orphans> 173. Oops
- Most of the "Doctors of the Church" canon, especially when Dr. Bright shows up. Long story short, something (or a lot of somethings) breached containment, civilization fell apart, and the senior staff decided the best thing to do to ensure the future of humanity was to reform the Foundation as a religion. Hilarity ensued. Six hundred years later, Bright is still stuck in 963, worshipped as the equivalent of Jesus (much to his annoyance), and the "Council of Thirteen" put him in the body of a "D-Caste" whenever they need clarification on the "Holy Containment Procedures".
And they saw the Lord Bright approach them; and a great commotion arose through the crowd, for they thought Him dead. And the Lord spoke with a great voice, and He said; 'Shut the fuck up for ten seconds and I'll tell you.'
- Nacho Business, in which the Foundation tries to do testing on a chip bowl.
- Incident 239-B Abridged
- "A Keter Kinda Christmas", with Dr. Bright as the Christmas party host, SCP-1845 (a sentient fox who believes he is a medieval European king named Eugenio) as Ebenezer Scrooge, and SCP-173 as the Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come.
- Pretty much everything in Clef & Dimitri Hit the Road. The story takes two of the Foundation's most... peculiar agents, and puts them on a road trip together. Hijinks Ensue.
- Reservoir Skips, or why a mechanical uprising inside the Foundation isn't happening any time soon. Special mention goes to SCP-753's response to 1564's proposal, and 1004 trying to sell them porn of themselves.
Look bud, if the suicidal artist robot schtick isn't going to convince you to do your queer talk somewhere else, may I offer a rebuttal: go fuck yourself with a cactus.
- Protocol GATTAI, or "Anime Trope Overdosed: The SCP Tale".
- SCPokémon, a Pokémon Red "playthrough" using SCPs as Mons.
- SCP Foundation Gripe Sheet.
P: Muffled screaming can be heard from within containment cell.S: Audio system set up so screaming is no longer muffled.
- To create a Retcon regarding how a bunch of crabs seem to be related to the Apocalypse, The Gate Opens has this:
"Have SCP-098 activated?" the voice asked.
"I am sorry to disappoint you. They are acting a bit odd, but I cannot say…"
[The crabs go through a weird mutation]
"Never mind," Everett said to the voice waiting on the other line. "I'd say that probably counts."
- Blackwood reunites with an old "friend."
- This "Crack Fic about gods", a Massive Multiplayer Crossover between the site's various Eldritch Abominations (from the Broken God to the toaster) in a Bad-Guy Bar.
- Friendly reminder that SPC is "Shark Punching Center".
Forum Discussion Posts
A great indicative of if a joke is good is when people say "I wish I could upvote comments..."
- From the discussion on SCP-352:
Gears: Just had the worst idea ever… this and 106 out loose in the same area… lordy… Also… i forgot about the story for her, but i remember now, and will hopefully get a good idea for it soon.Tom Serveaux: They catch each other's eyes from across the hall and fall in love. Then 106 invites 352 out on a romantic, candle-lit, infanticide spree. Then they get married and have lots and lots of decrepit, predatory babies. A heart-warming romance, indeed.
- Also, from the SCP-105 discussion:
snorlison: For morale purposes and to continue her goodwill towards the Foundation, it may serve SCP-105 to encounter others similar to her in experience. For example, in a controlled setting, an encounter between SCP-105 and SCP-808note might prove fruitful.I Am A Potato: I see this inevitably ending in 105/808 makeout sessions.snorlison: The makeout session was almost entirely (about 92%) not my intention with suggesting a meet-up.Gears: 8% has never been so sexy... or disturbing...
- From the 096 Discussion:
REDbluewhiteyellow: So what would happen if someone viewed its face from outer space?azzleflux: It would start moving its arms up and down until it started motherfuckin' flying.
- This post on the 682 discussion forum. Also what immediately follows.
Djoric: I can dig it.
- From the comments on the butt ghost:
Sorts: Did you guys know that a toilet that eats your butt was a real SCP once. Do you know why it isn't anymore.Salman Corbette: Because it came back to bite the author in the ass?
- On the discussion page of SCP-239, Voct is asking why SCP-239 is treated as a world-ending threat and SCP-040 isn't and whether or not she could depower 239. Kain Pathos Crow explains that 239 is way more powerful than 040. Voct then states that 040 could depower 239 but she would have to be told about the situation and realise that the Foundation can and (if necessary) will do the same to her. Crow reponds with the following.
Kain Pathos Crow: You know, there's only one thought I could get out of this… LOLI FIGHT!!!!
- Epic Rap Battles of Wiki Characters! Dr. Clef vs. Dr. Bright vs. Dr. Sorts vs. Dr. King! Begin!
- On SCP-811's discussion page, a user links to a joke tale they wrote involving 811 acting like a hyperactive idiot (out of character) and 682 like a angry grump (not so out of character). The author's response?
PigCatapult: I refuse to comment on this.
Josef Kald: Whyyyy, the FUCK, do you want to know this?
- The tale itself is hilarious due to its over-the-top almost Looney Tunes-like nature.
- Another post from 811's discussion. Someone asked if she has female genitalia.
- From SCP-1550's discussion page.
AgentWilson: I thought it was adorable.
- PiefishAKAChris' userpage.
- In the discussion of SCP-2317, in response to another user's comment that the idea of the Foundation being unable to contain a threat that mystics over 3000 years ago could defeat was unrealistic, DrClef provided a short story about what would happen if the Devourer could be defeated with conventional weapons.
"Well," O5-13 said, rubbing his head sheepishly, as the Nameless One, Devourer of Worlds, and the Terror of the Ancient Erekesh Civilization lay in a smouldering, bloody pile on the sands of the Ancient Desert of Reality. "I feel like a bit of a donkey. It turns out we've been panicking all this time and all it took was a couple of 105mm artillery shells to the head.""Do you think we should ever tell them that we had them running in circles sprinkling holy water and blood around for no reason?" O5-12 wondered."Best not to let them know. Otherwise we'll look like idiots."
Oh, it's pretty open ended, but it's also pretty obvious what's going on. They're giving her flowers and braiding her hair and playing tea party with her. Keep thinking that, you'll sleep better.
- Clef also did this to the entry to which 2317 is a Spiritual Successor, SCP-231, when asked what the hell they're doing to the poor girl:
- There are many forums within which people log the funniest moments from the site's official chat. Hilarity ensues.
- SCP-173, Soviet style.
SCP-173 is extremely hostile, like red faced Americans. Is also coward. Neither will make move while strong Soviet men have watchful eye.
- Twice there have been March Madness events, which obviously involve SCP deathmatches (but with overtly strong characters excluded) and accept joke SCPs! The 2015 edition was won by a sea slug, and the 2016 one (with a dedicated hub featuring hilarious descriptions) by the ultimate Mary Sue.
- The indicatively titled thread called "Passing the Brain Bleach", with the contributors reacting to SCP-related Rule 34 (and other weird\disturbing fan art).
- While the deletion log is usually mostly a technical report on what bad articles didn't make it, occasionally the mods will amuse themselves. This thread has the staff rejoicing at having to delete the Crack Fics originated from an April Fool's contest, and the following has two great cases of Waxing Lyrical:
A phenomenon where the front door of a house in a village will [DATA EXPUNGED] once opened, bang, bang, banged, on the door, baby. Knocked a little louder, baby at -35 and three staff votes.Will experience near-death situations such and getting hit by a car or falling into a ditch of fire (I fell in-to a burnin' ditch of fire/ down, down down, and the flames gettin' higher/ and it burned, burned, burned/ that ditch of fire/ that ditch of fire…)
NO!! SCP-███ IS NOT MEANT TO BE FUNNY, EVER!!!