SCP-682 is a vaguely lizard-like...thing...that has become the living embodiment of Why Won't You Die?. Hell, it has to be kept in a 5m3 cube filled with hydrochloric acid just to keep it sedate.
SCP-826 is a pair of bookends that can transport people into the universe of any story put between them.
SCP-826, equipped with one (1) copy of "The Generally Nice, Friendly Thing That Can And Will Kill SCP-682 Permanently if it So Much As Spots That Damn Lizard", a 12-page short story written by Dr. ██████, detailing a large, friendly monster that is stated to be capable of permanently killing SCP-682, and 1 (one) D-Class personnel (D-682-32) equipped with 1 (one) 2010 Ducati Multistrada motorcycle for the purpose of evading SCP-682. [...] Recovery personnel describe the story's pasture as having become a "Battleground", featuring impact craters with enormous body parts scattered around. Parts are thought to be from the story's "Thing". Recovered story is retitled "The Generally Nice, Friendly Thing That Tried To Kill SCP-682 Permanently But Failed" , and is noticeably thicker, with 209 individual pages that detail an epic battle between the two monsters.
Amongst the procedures trying to kill 682, one of the suggested ideas would be...to drop it from a really high place. Naturally, this gets denied.
Notes: Seriously? I mean....seriously? Drop it from an Aircraft and let it fall...who in the [DATA EXPUNGED.]
Despite the tragedy that SCP-682 had brought upon the facility, SCP-999 has not shown any fear towards the creature and in fact has made gestures suggesting it wants to "play" with SCP-682 again. SCP-682, however, has stated, "That feculent little snot wad can [DATA EXPUNGED] and die."
Introducing SCP-682 to SCP-053, who ends up scribbling on 682 with crayons. The fact that SCP-682 let this happen, and the fact that they get along so well is somewhere between this and heartwarming, the theories concerning why this happened is nightmare fuel however (SCP-053 being a young girl who also happens to be Hate Plague given human form).
During the testing of SCP-261, some of the researchers put in 500 yen and asked to be given something that could kill 682. The product they were given was a number of stick-on tattoos that basically called them idiots. In the notes, they were mocked for thinking that they could get something to get rid of 682 for just 500 yen. The constant attempts to get something to kill 682 are then lampshaded, with the question of if it's some initiation ritual amongst new researchers to do so.
After SCP-017 loses in a fight with 682, 682 says "You foul bags of tissue; you don’t [DATA EXPUNGED].".
An attempt to bring SCP-096 in to kill 682 sees the two of them duke it out for 27 hours before they finally stop. The result? 096 huddled in a Troubled Fetal Position and 682 losing 85% of its body and being rendered utterly exhausted. So, obviously nobody won.
Once they tried to use me, SCP-426. 682 did believe it had become me, a toaster... a murderous, toast-shooting toaster. But I have to admit, the bread was perfectly toasted.
They must be running out of ideas, or being driven batshit insane, because apparently eating 682 came up once as a suggestion. Yes, it was a suggestion by Dr. Bright, but the fact that at least one other person went along with it...
219. The fact that SCP-682 regenerates all lost tissue does not make it an "infinite hamburgers machine".
1. Most especially because they tasted horrible.
SCP-001-EX-J, the first anomalous object contained by the SCP's prehistoric predecessor, Catch Keep Guard, decommissioned after the Shamans learned that it's fire.
Special mention goes to the last test listed:
TRY: IIIII II WHO TRIED: Witch Doctor U██ THING TRIED: Throw hemp in Thing-I WHAT HAPPENED: [DATA CHISELED OUT]
SCP-100-J is, literally, a steaming pile of horseshit. Out of this pile come various SCPs, most of which have been decommissioned.
SCP-1543-J, though a joke SCP, is one of the funniest things in the entire archive.
Girl: What's her power mister? 231: Well I can [DATA EXPUNGED] [DATA EXPUNGED] [DATA EXPUNGED] Scientist 2: (mouth wide open, shocked expression on his face) 231:I also like shopping.
Effects the chair has on Able - when he sits on it, it turns him into Xavier, but when somebody else sits on it, Able turns into Wolverine and gets into a fight with whoever turned into Cyclops over the person who was turned into Jean.
Mediating researcher: I don't want to interrupt, but Able, aren't you incapable of feeling love? Able: No… I just have a dark past. Researcher: Huh? Able: I'm generally good at heart. I've had a tough life, though. Researcher: I've seen you stab a kid in the face!
SCP-069-J. Or, in the words of the comment page, "You turned the Foundation... into an H-game."
How the hell did he manage that with an electrically-powered Segway? The results of Dr. Gerald driving through the town of [REDACTED] on a moped. A research team hypothesized that rollerblades are, technically, vehicles. We tested their hypothesis by having Gerald skate into the IRG's headquarters in Tehran. They were right.
SCP-50-AE-J. It's a .50 Desert Eagle that fires SCP-50-AE-1: an actual giant Bald Eagle that rabidly attacks anything perceived to be anti-American while yelling lines appropriate to Liberty Prime.
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-50-AE-J is to be kept in a steel box locked with a padlock and wrapped in an American flag. The box containing SCP-50-AE-J is to be kept away from the following: Russian literature, radios, the Pope, first generation Russian immigrants, and pictures of Ronald Reagan. In case of [REDACTED] security staff are to begin humming the Star Spangled Banner while weeping a single tear. Investigations into the further properties of SCP-50-AE-1 have been stymied by the fact that SCP-50-AE-1 continues to attack Foundation scientists, calling them "PINKO FUCKS". SCP-50-AE-1 appears to be able to distinguish genetic and racial information in its targets. SCP-50-AE-1 also appears to have a profound dislike of Germans. D-1409 is to be incinerated entirely, after his testicles are recovered from SCP-50-AE-1.
Just about every word on SCP-5308-J is absolutely hilarious, it's no wonder it's one of the highest rated joke SCPs on the site.
SCP-4357-J: And THAT is how you make a proper summoning circle. All the runes in place, everything nice and neat. NOW, if I step in it like this, it'll be hard for me to get out! SCP-4357-J tries to step out of the circle and bumps against an unseen barrier. SCP-4357-J: Oh, FUCK ME!
SCP-4357-J: Shit! That hurts, motherfuckers! Doesn't matter much, though; I'll just jump out again. It's not like you can put up a cage that'll hold me, either. I can bust through anything other than wrought-iron that has the words of Solomon on it, and where the unholy fuck are you going to find THAT nowadays, huh? 07/14/19██ Foundation metalworkers install a wrought-iron cage under the supervision and blessing of Rabbi ███████ SCP-4357-J: Shit.
2) Telling new researchers that you can tame SCP-682 with a rolled up newspaper and a tummy rub is right out. 13) There is no market for SCP brand pornography. 13.5) No, not even in Germany. 13.75) It probably would generate a great deal of revenue if sold in Japan but still, 682 on Iris, Jesus Christ man. 27) Not allowed to send Nigerian-esque spam email to the Church of the Broken God. 31) SCP-963 is not a joy buzzer. 45) [REDACTED], [REDACTED] hard. 52) "Accidentally" spilling green gelatin on a dead body in the presence of the O5 was funny exactly once, and the smell of excrement exuding from O5-2's khakis spoiled the moment. 58) Dr. Bright is not allowed to declare war on any country, thing or person. 59) A stripper a day keeps the doctor away. Dr. Bright is not allowed to contribute to this list. Besides, ██% of Foundation staff have their Ph.D. It'd take more than one stripper to keep them away. 59.5) Strike that last sentence. Dr. Bright, I don't know where you found a 300-pound midget stripper with three teeth and severely disfiguring [DATA EXPUNGED], but please put it back. 66) Showing Monty Python episodes to SCP-239 was not a wise decision. Please never try this with any other reality warping SCP. 71.2) Dr. Bright is not allowed to administer 'Free Hugs', nor an act called 'Surprise █████████'.note Plus, if one checks how many characters are in the black-out word, it could spell out "buttsecks". 79) Attempts to use Foundation radio telescopes to contact omniscient and omnipotent extraterrestrial entities will result in a bill for any damage to local space-time, including the cost of demoting objects to dwarf planet status. 81) "For the Emperor" is not an acceptable justification for any decision. 84) Not allowed to lace 'orgasm muffins' with Ex-lax. Again. 90) Not allowed to kick SCP-2558-J. 90.5) Not allowed to play dodgeball with SCP-2558-J. 92) Foundation resources may not be used to run Crysis. Build your own computer Bright! 96) Just because Bright is a doctor does not mean that he isthe Doctor, no matter how many British men he possesses. 96.1) No,SCP-963 is not proof against this. 96.2) Nor is any structure that results from placing SCP-184 inside of a police call box. 96.3) Tying up female members of the staff and calling them "companions" is right out. 101) Dr. Bright is not allowed to plant SCP-2383-J into science labs. We're still picking up complaints from the office of Stephen Hawking. 101.1) No, not even for the good of "SCIENCE" 101.2) Or even as "Science for the Science God". Dr. Bright is also not allowed to refer to himself as such either. 104) Yes, empirical evidence is the foundation of science. Yes, blind faith is the death of reason. No, this does not logically imply that Dr. Rights is ethically obligated to demonstrate the existence of her breasts under laboratory conditions. 109) Dr. Bright cannot change the standard issue D-Class uniform to black pants with a red polo shirt. 118) No matter how many times he photoshops himself into a picture of SCP-682, and no matter how many Australians he possesses, Bright is not, and never was, the "Crocodile Hunter". 118.3) Nor does every SCP/D-Class "really hate it when you jam your thumb up their bum". 118.3.1) And he is not allowed to do that "Right naow!" 118.5) Claiming to survive the detonation of an SCP-2558-J-Ex does not make him a lion tamer, either. 127) Dr. Bright is not allowed to use SCP-587 to re-enact the locker scene from Men In Black, nor play Godzilla with its inhabitants. 138) Dr. Bright may not put "A cup of orgasm" from SCP-294 through SCP-914 on the Very Fine setting. 138.1) Dr. Bright may not use SCP-294 to create a "cup of memetic orgasm" and use it on worldwide television. 138.5) Dr. Bright is not permitted to use SCP-294 to create orgasms of any kind, memetic, sentient or otherwise. 138.6) Given the results of requesting a cup of "Dear God No", Dr.Bright is no longer allowed to use SCP-294 directly or outside of approved testing. 138.6.5) Given that he asked another staff member to request a "Cup of Explodium" from SCP-294 to "see what would happen", Dr Bright is not allowed to ask other staff members to access SCPs for him, no matter how instructive, funny or helpful the results would be. The only exception to this is SCP-963. 173) Excessive force is not the same as theForce, therefore using it does not make Dr. Bright a Jedi. 192) Dr. Bright may not attempt to neutralize SCP-682 using "the Power of Friendship", "the Power of Love", oranyothersortof"Power" which has not been proven to actually exist. 196) SCP-963 is not a 'soul gem', and despite what he might say, making a contract with Dr. Bright will not turn you into a 'Magical Girl'. 196.1) Not even if he includes a 'magical girl outfit'. 203) The Serpent's Hand is not a synonym formasturbation. 208) Playing the song "Thriller" in the presence of SCP-008 victims is expressly forbidden. 208.1) Letting out SCP-008 victims and punching them "to simulate Minecraft" is also forbidden. 208.2) Pushing several agents in front of SCP-008 victims "to simulate Resident Evil" is not a valid excuse, either. 208.3) Dr. Bright is no longer allowed near victims of SCP-008. 218) Dr. Bright is not to use this list as a resume. 222) Dr. Bright is not allowed to make freeware games based on contained objects and release them onto the internet. 226.2) Dr. Bright is politely asked to stop referring to staff/19 incident BA114 as "MiracleDay", "The Day I Died and Went to Heaven", "A Thing of Beauty and Grace" or "Every Day in a Perfect World" 236). Dr. Bright is not Kenny. We also ask new researchers (and Bright) to stop referring to him/self as such.
Also in there are Dr. Bright's 'wrong' mottos for SCP Foundation which gives such gems as "Stab Carrion Powerfully," "Let's use it on 682!" "Can we put it through 914?", "Throw D-Class at it until it stops." and "That's it, you're on Keter."
The funniest part of that was that it is mentioned at the bottom that this is the most accurate account of Incident [BLANK]. Makes you wonder what other accounts looked like...
Remember, SCP is Special Containment Procedures. SPC is. . . somethingelse.
"You will punch sharks. When not punching sharks, you will be planning on punching sharks. You will be developing new ways to punch sharks. You will read about punching sharks. You will write about punching sharks. You will study punching sharks. You will dream about punching sharks. You will jumpthe shark. You will collect and contain paranormal objects, and then use them to beat up sharks."
If you just read the previous two entries here, you would probably like to know that someone wants to do a Sharks vs. Bees crossover.
This odd story is pretty entertaining, but the real hilarity comes in the discussion page. After some conversing, Clef (the real guy, not the Foundation character) challenges another user to write a story titled "Poopstick McGee and the Flying Walruses". The user aptly replies:
SCP-682-J, the funny version of the SCP-682 document.
Speaking of which: There is one thing that can kill 682. Drunk driving.
SCP-123-J starts out as another "Ordinary object written as an SCP for a joke," then you get to the interview and it's implied that it's not just an ordinary butter substitute...
SCP-789-J, "The butt ghost". Written by an 11-year-old boy, of course.
SCP-1994-J. Basically, it's an SCP article as written by a very excited dog, regarding a tennis ball.
"what's that motherfuckin' mailman doing here.... yeah, you better go away. motherfucker."
SCP-666½-J is a crab-stuffed mushroom entrée. An apocalyptically bad crab-stuffed mushroom entrée. It has the dubious honor of being the only thing that could make SCP-682 suicide.
SCP-5555-J, aka "The Chibinator", is a device that makes miniature flanderized versions of SCPs and staff members. The entire experiment log is hilarious, but the very last line takes it all:
Accidentally blinked. Mini-173 tried to strangle my penis. I quit.
SCP-1212-J has a masterful use of Leaning on the Fourth Wall, with a Foundation scientist critiquing an artifact as if he's posting on the actual website...much to his colleague's annoyance and confusion.
Scientist 1: "Yeah. Downvote for pointless dark matter." Scientist 2: "It [dark matter] HAS been proven to exist! WE just proved it exists! You're scientists! Why aren't you shitting your pants with excitement?!" Scientist 1: "That's another thing. Your tone. It's really off. I don't believe a scientist would really say that in an official interview. I'm afraid it's downvote for me." Scientist 2: "WHAT THE FUCK IS A DOWNVOTE?!!!"
Folded Into: A paper boat/hat - When placed in water, became self-propelling at speeds of up to 60 km/h. When inverted and placed on head, subject's physical attractiveness was greatly increased in the eyes of viewers. When both were performed simultaneously, both effects were achieved, with subject reported as looking 'dead sexy' while scooting around the water upside-down. Folded Into: Origami copy of SCP-682 - Animated halfway through folding process, causing Dr. G considerable injury. Testing session ended.
Notes: Let's not try that again. - Dr. G
SCP-504, a series of tomatoes that attack anyone or anything that tells bad jokes in its proximity.
Item: One mature SCP-504 tomato Subject: CD player playing "Harmful If Swallowed" (2003, Dane Cook) Result: At [REDACTED], tomato clocked 167 mph. CD player destroyed.
Item: One mature SCP-504 tomato Subject: Television playing the SNL Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton skit. Result: Tomato reacted as if 'confused': slow-motion video shows three separate bursts of speeds in excess of 200mph, two incidences of motion at normal throwing speeds, and one unprecedented instance of backward motion, all in the one trajectory. Dr. King hypothesises that the tomato was unsure whether or not to 'take it seriously'.
Item: One mature SCP-504 tomato Subject: A portable computer playing a partial audio recording of the Monty Python sketch "The Funniest Joke in the World". Transcript: "Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!" Result:Tomato explodes. Debris clocked at 137 mph. Computer heavily coated by debris. Keyboard ruined by exposure to liquid matter — all other components proved functional after cleanup.
"Yes, I've been playing chess with 914. Yes, I'm aware it's supposed to be non-sentient, but that hardly explains why it's winning." note The observant chess players among you might notice that 914's opening two moves is a clear attempt to play a Scholar's Mate.
Input: 1x IRS Form 1040 (blank) Setting: Fine Output: 1x IRS Form 1040, with all blank space including margins and backs of pages filled with imprecations against the IRS and taxation in general in the following languages [in order of quantity of text, from greatest to least]: Basque, Quenya [see below], Sumerian, Cherokee, an unidentifiable language with a writing system composed of curved symbols, Classical Chinese, English (from the curses used, apparently c. 1650-1750). After long study of the unidentifiable symbols Dr. █████ could identify no commonality with any of the other languages present on the form. The Sumerian contained three words unattested from any known text. The Quenya had its cursing of the IRS interspersed with vituperation of someone or something called "Morgoth".
An anachronistic IRS 1040 form filled out by Augustus Caesar.
Input: 1 (one) ██████ brand 'Super-Duper Bouncy Ball' Setting: Very Fine Output: One ball, that appears unchanged from the input. There is however, a difference in its [REDACTED] properties, exhibited when dropped by Researcher █. ██████ [REDACTED] forty five casualties, twelve injuries [DATA EXPUNGED] ███ escape velocity, [DATA EXPUNGED] spotted orbiting Mars.
Fun with alcohol.
Name: Agent Smithers Date: 8/19/████ Total Items: Two (2) bottles of mass-produced supermarket beer and two (2) bottles of microbrewed, hand-crafted beer.
Input: One (1) bottle of high-quality beer. Setting: Very fine. Output: A small glass orb filled with a glowing gas. Mass is identical to the beer bottle. Later testing revealed that physical contact with the orb produces an inspirational effect on the subject. D-8742, upon contact with the object, requested a sheet of paper, which he folded into a paper [DATA EXPUNGED]. Update: It's been five months since D-8742's termination, and that thing is still in the air. Possible SCP classification?
In less than an hour, SCP-705 had taken control of the Mr. Coffee machine, declaring independence and control over the region. The assault was routed when Dr. Rights brushed them away from the burner, resulting in massive casualties and a complete rout. Interviews with SCP-705 remark on this day with great fear and resentment.
Dr. Gears: ...This allowed him to achieve what I hypothesize to be his true goal.
Interviewer: ...which would be?
Dr. Gears: To ride SCP-682.
EXCERPT FROM POST-INCIDENT INTERVIEW 083-CLEF-01
Dr. Clef: WAIT, WHAT!?
While the whole Kondraki riding SCP-682 was hilarious, the highlight is when they managed to break into SCP-173's cell. The video reveals that, despite the fact that SCP-682 is still trying to get Kondraki off, they are both still maintaining eye contact with it the entire time.
Item Description: Orgasm Muffins - A package containing three small, chocolate muffins. Upon eating the muffins, subjects were overcome with intense orgasm. The third muffin caused temporary impotency in subject. Tasty. Item description: Uncle Slaanesh's Candy Nipples. Packaging in a mix of Latin and Sumerian; front of package refers to candy as Uncle Slaanesh's, all other sides to Auntie Slaanesh's. Package contained gummi candy in the vague shape of human teats, with a slight meaty flavor, heavily sweetened. Chewy to the point of inedibility. Package interior contained winning mail-in coupon for a free Warhammer 40,000 "Warcooks of Auntie Slaanesh" model set. Item description: A bottle of purple liquid labelled "Tentacle Grape." Packaging was identical to our world's beverage of the same name in formatting, but apart from the product name, the script was unknown. I'm forwarding this one to Dr. Rights. If she wants to experiment with it, that's her decision; I have no wish to risk being molested by a soft drink. - Agent Talmor
A "Ninja Chocolate Bar": lists "ninja" as an ingredient, and identical to ordinary chocolate, except when it's opened a ninja appears out of nowhere and punches you in the stomach, only to disappear just as mysteriously.
Really, any time something silly happens to 682, or a depiction thereof. In SCP-978's test log, the picture of SCP-053 shows 682 in a floral dress, with a red hair-bow and bright pink nail polish, which is, of course, a hilarious mental image, no matter HOW you envision 682.
Both items consumed by D-Class 24045-06. It's impossible to summarize them in any way that could do either item's description justice, but I honestly started crying due to stifled laughter.
X-Treme Chips: Fed chips to D-Class 24045-06, whose voice immediately grew deeper and requested this agent join him in extreme sport activities such as surfboarding, mountain climbing, and bungee jumping. Request was denied. Sewage Soup: Gave the liquid to D-Class 24045-06, who had been in the process of leaping from table to table. D-Class 24045-06 deceased immediately upon ingestion.
"Snapple" - A seemingly normal Granny Smith, with a small, hand-written tag attached to the stem. Further examination revealed the center to be composed ofsolid tin.
Addendum: Although no reaction was noted on D-11737 initially consuming the "Lucky Darts," a strange confluence of events happened within six hours of consuming the product: D-11737 won the [REDACTED] State Lottery (totaling $358 million), was unharmed when SCP-███ breached containment and killed all other personnel in his section, received word he was being promoted to █-class (and thus had his previous liquidation order rescinded), and managed to save Dr. [REDACTED] from a nasty fall in Stairwell D, which eventually resulted in her inviting him back to her place for [DATA EXPUNGED]. Unfortunately, when no effects were immediately noted, the packaging for the "Lucky Darts" was discarded and cannot be found.
The money used on the machine also decides what it'll spit out:
When the Foundation slipped in a note reading "I.O.U. 500 ¥", SCP-261 dispensed an opened bag of Smartfood brand White Cheddar popcorn, containing only crumbs of said popcorn and a note reading "I.O.U. 41 popcorn kernels". This seems to prove that not only does SCP-261 have some form of sentience, it also has a sense of humor! Later, when they inserted 500 yen, the machine dispensed the promised 41 popcorn kernels, without any package.
The machine seems to take personal offense to pressing the coin return button; the second time they tried it, it spat out a red soda can that was humming loudly (a large insect was inside it) with the phrase "Stop that." on it.
Doctor King can get nothing from SCP-261 but apple seeds, one for each yen put into the machine. Other researchers after him tried to use the machine that same day, but also got apple seeds and promptly blamed him for "breaking" the machine.
"Mr. Q's Cumbersome Soda Bottle", a Shout-Out to Ramune bottles. It took an hour for the researcher to figure out how to drink it properly.
"Mr. Mercer's amazing condiment", a food additive that makes everything taste delicious, and we do mean everything, including wood, stone, sand, rotten meat, and brussels sprouts. However, it does not change the composition of the object it is applied to.
Note: Requesting new D-class personnel due to loss of teeth
SCP-606, while otherwise silent, suddenly became... talkative:
God dammit, which one of you [REDACTED] gave it 2 MB of porn? It's already being considered for Keter, now we can't get it to shut up about [DATA EXPUNGED].
"Security personnel ordered to line up all with clear lines of sight on tester, with instructions to not break eye contact with tester under any circumstances. When the disc was thrown, the security personnel experienced a "sudden wardrobe existence failure", causing all of them to lose eye contact with the tester, being more concerned with the loss of clothing and the issue of the climate being rather uncomfortable to a nude security guard."
A test log of SCP-978, a camera that produces photographs of what the subject really wants to be doing:
Subject: Kitten (stray lab animal) Photographs Activity: Being held for the picture by Dr. █████ Photo Result: [DATA EXPUNGED] - I would NEVER do that to a kitten! -Dr. █████
Planet III: mostly ocean dotted with islands of varying biome, presently inhabited by a sentient species of nomadic reptilians, with a religion based on ocean tides and the unexpected sight of Doctor ████████'s helmeted face in the night sky.
Addendum: Any personnel caught placing glow-in-the-dark stars on the walls of the cell will be reassigned to paperwork.
In the event that Planet IV’s inhabitants attempt to build another satellite weapon (see Incident Report SCP-756 A), personnel assigned to remove it must remain aware that although missiles fired from IV's surface cannot penetrate standard-issue spacesuits, helmets or visors, weapons platforms will almost certainly fire more quickly than the average human being can move.
There is now a new version of that page written by a different person. It's just as hilarious.
A D-Class with little intelligence and imagination is tested on SCP-825, a helmet that uses disturbing (to the person) audio/visual hallucinations.
Results: As expected the subject confinement in a room with several rodents. When asked if he was being bitten, the subject responded "No... wait, now they are." Further suggestions as to how the vision could be worse (larger rats, being restrained, being confined in a tiny box filled with rats, the rats specifically attacking subject's eyes and genitals) were all subsequently introduced into the subject's vision after a short delay.
An earlier revision of SCP-294 had this at the bottom of the page; turns out SCP-294 has a sense of humor:
"Researcher reported a quantifiable level of surprise at the occurrence."
The poor dude ordered "Surprise me". 294 gave him a cup of superheated water, which exploded in his face.
After healing from the burns, the person was reported to have said "Well, it certainly surprised me!"
Again from an earlier revision: Someone orders "Whatever the next person orders", to see if it can predict the future. Of course, the machine just waited until the next person ordered and gave both drinks at the same time. "Cleanup took two hours, and the researcher was told in a firm voice not to do it again."
Once a normal community of 387 was constructed, a small mound of Megablocks (a common copy of Lego) was placed near the community. When this happened, everything constructed of 387 stopped moving, turned slowly towards the Megablocks and [EXPUNGED].
Addendum 387-6: Jesus fucking Christ. - Dr. Arch
Don't forget what happens when you expose kids to sentient Lego blocks.
"Addendum 387-1: How the fuck did these children gain knowledge of the workings of a M1 Abrams Tank, no less [EXPUNGED]!?"
The testing log for SCP-061, a computer program that controls people's minds. The vague "Run on treadmill" command resulted in the test subjects attempting to run on an unmoving treadmill, run on a treadmill at full speed, and jog until told to stop, respectively, the latter two of which ended up flying off the end of the treadmill, AFV-style.
Note: Since it seems that SCP-523's transformations are more or less proportional to the gravity of the situation it is being used for, it is imperative that it be destroyed immediately in the event of an XK-class end-of-the-world scenario, as it may turn into something that would further exacerbate the situation. Like the Sun. -Dr. Willis
I have my description written entirely in the first person and am incredibly funny as a result. Just don't go back and read what I do to people.
Description: Hello, I am SCP-426. I must be introduced this way in order to prevent ambiguity. I am an ordinary toaster, able to toast bread when supplied with electricity. However, when any human being mentions me, they inadvertently refer to me in the first person. Despite all attempts, there is yet to be a way to speak or write about me in the third person. When in my continuous presence for over two months, individuals begin to identify themselves as a toaster. Unless forcibly restrained, these people will ultimately harm themselves in their attempts to emulate my standard functions.
The doc's note at the end: "Thank God there are some limits to my effects. A lot of us were really starting to get worried about me."
Note from Dr. ████████, dated 12/26/04: Who the hell thought it would be a good idea to tell her about "Santa Claus" and then tell her that it was just a story?! Now we have another potential SCP to deal with, but we can't catch him because he is "magic".
The fourth testing log from SCP-404. Saying anything else would ruin it.
Also the very fact that this item is numbered 404. If you don't know why that is relevant check what HTTP status code 404 means.
Item Description: a 30 inch tall statue of a clown. If the lights in the room containing it are turned off, then back on, the statue will have moved to a different, random location in the room. During the period in which the lights are off, giggling can be heard from the room.
Date of Recovery: 5-16-200█
Location of Recovery: ██████, Germany
Record of Destruction: Shot approximately 150 times with a 9mm sidearm by Agent ██████, until nothing remained but splinters. No anomalous properties recorded in the remains.
Fucking clowns… -Agent ██████
Also in there is a parrot who can recite the entirety of Shakespeare's works. When they asked who was interested in keeping it, who should step forward but "Agent Yoric"?
Another great one:
Item Description: An upright piano. If a human touched any of the piano keys, the human became irresistibly compelled to play the piano and sing popular Broadway show tunes, for a period of three hours or until the player was incapacitated. It is to be noted that the item did not provide musical talent, knowledge of tunes, knowledge of lyrics, or the ability to sing on-key.
Current Status: Disassembled by sledgehammer by a mob of Foundation staff during a "performance"; resulting detritus incinerated. Residual ashes evidenced no unusual properties.
Both this and a CMOA:
Item Description: A men's Western-style hat which, when worn, causes the wearer to compulsively tell jokes that are racist or otherwise offensive to those within earshot.
Date of Recovery: ██-█-████
Location of Recovery: ███████, Mississippi
Current Status: Incinerated with considerable enthusiasm.
SCP-743 is a Keter chocolate fountain that devours people. The Foundation plans to feed condemned D-class personnel to it. What do they call this plan? Death By Chocolate.
Decommissions have been known to be a little... over-the-top. The termination of SCP-809, described by the site as a self-insert cyborg boyfriend for the (now gone) SCP-808 actually begins with a heated discussion of how to kill 809 in the most ridiculous way possible, including feeding it to 682, processing it with 914, booby-trapping 808's shower, using high-grade explosives, and throwing a rock at him ("Like a big-ass rock?" "Like as big-of-an-ass rock you can find!"). Ultimately, it was decided to restrain him with high-power electromagnets and crush him with a magnetically-pulled 10-ton weight... cast in the shape of a giant fist.
Gephart: I do want to say one thing, though.
Kondraki: And what's that?
Gephart: In the end, you wound up hitting it with a rock after all.
Interviewer:"I'm just curious: was it REALLY necessary to cast the kill item in the shape of a giant steel fist?"
Dr. Clef: "Not really, no."
SCP-826 is a set of bookends which can portal users into the universe of whichever book is placed between its halves.
On ██/██/20██, SCP-826 was discovered to be missing by Dr. Clopine, who alerted Foundation security personnel. Security camera footage revealed assistant researcher D█████ V████████ had removed SCP-826 before leaving for the night. Personnel then proceeded to V████████'s apartment, where they detained him as he was entering the building. Searching his bag, Personnel found SCP-826 along with a new bottle of KY Warming Gel and a DVD copy of The Little Mermaid. SCP-826 was returned to the Foundation and V████████ has since been reassigned to Keter Duty.
See above for the inevitable attempt to kill SCP-682 with it.
"It has come to my attention that several personnel have used SCP-041 as an ad-hoc 'she likes me/she likes me not' detector. This is one of the most appalling things I've ever heard. Are we safeguarding potentially world-destroying objects or are we in third grade?" — Dr. Klein.
SCP-173 is extremely hostile, like red faced Americans. Is also coward. Neither will make move while strong Soviet men have watchful eye.
This line from an After Action report about an incident wherein a D-Class prevents SCP-498 from getting out of control: "...D-4112 was treated for severe internal bleeding, commended for preventing a potentially catastrophic containment breach, and successfully terminated at the end of the month."
SCP-299 is a Keter-class botanical SCP that turns any plant into a ravenous carnivore upon contact. For some reason, the Foundation decided to test it on a sunflower.
Specimen's trunk snapped upon introduction of researcher's foot. Remains incinerated.
SCP-871, a collection of 237 cakes which, if eaten, will replace themselves within 24 hours and if not eaten will replicate themselves. Seems normal enough, but the funny part is that it's categorized as Keter class, with Foundation scientists estimating that an uncontrolled outbreak would destroy the world by drowning it in cake!
Also, the containment procedures suggest executing any D-class who refuses to eat the cake. Eat that cake or die. It goes on to say that personnel who do eat a cake can volunteer to eat more, those who've consumed one should not be permitted access to any other SCP projects, and their monthly termination can be postponed if they exhibit "exceptional usefulness". Yes, as a D-class you can get a risk-free job that lets you survive indefinitely so long as you're willing to keep eating a lot of cake.
T2L: T2L here HQ, we sent up a man as advised and he returned in four minutes. Sent him back twice in a sprint, two minutes. We all recorded thirty to get down this far at least, and we all recorded our scout's return times as well. There is definitely something inconsistent.
HQ: Proceed as planned T2L, time lapses have been recorded but we see no need to abort mission over this. Please use precautions when these lapses occur and immediately try to raise us should you suspect one so we can confirm time since last contact. In addition if radio silence is encountered use utmost discretion. … … … . T2L respond? … … … . T2L? … … … . Fuck.
SCP-514, a flock of doves that shuts down any attempt at violence and disables all weapons in its area of effect. This results in groups fighting to control it using....alternate methods of conflict resolution.
O5-██: Are you serious? The fate of one of our SCPs could be decided on the outcome of rock-paper-scissors?!
Captain ████████: I assure you sir, you have nothing to fear. We are dead serious about these matters.
O5-11: Captain, couldn't you have chosen a more… dignified… game as your primary conflict resolution method? Seeing two grown men in all-black tactical gear taking a children's card game so seriously is… off-putting.
Dr. Grant: Subsequent testing determined that the results of this experiment were delicious.
Dr. Deral: It would seem Dr. Grant is a rather poor whiskey connoisseur, as whiskey does not age outside of the barrel. Your delicious experiment resulted in a 37-year old bottle of 12-year old scotch. Well done.
Dr. Grant: I stand by my initial assessment. Delicious.
SCP-173 becomes marginally less frightening when you realise it bears a distinct resemblance to Invader Zim.
The bizarrely adorable sapient calculator, SCP-168, wants a storage room with a window;
Upon entering storage room 185-D to continue testing with SCP-168 on the morning of January 15, 2008, I discovered the only table in the room upended, with SCP-168 resting next to it, in an upright position. Its screen read; “HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT? TEACH YOU TO LEAVE ME IN THE DARK ALL DAY. JERK.”
Addendum: Direct Order from Commander [EXPUNGED]: "We're not having any more discussion about what happens when two oh two goes to the bathroom!"
SCP-483, pills which "de-age" the subject, in that they leave them biologically the same age but change all records of them to say they're younger;
Note: I've always been paranoid about memetic and mind-altering effects. Lucky for me, my countermeasures saved my memory from the overdose. Unfortunately, however, I've lost my clearance, seniority, staff, awards, retirement date, and the opportunity to have my aging mother ever recognize me again. Fixing at least some of these problems would be simple; that is, if anyone knew who the hell I was! That's the last time I get a rookie to draw up an experimental procedure for me, goddamn it. - Dr. Blast
Note: Dr. Blast, please refrain from using official documentation as a medium to voice complaint. That you're 2 weeks old is no excuse. - Dr. ████████
SCP-1147 is a plum tree of unknown species that grow in anything the seeds are planted in. The whole tree takes on similar physical attributes to the material it was planted in, including the leaves, flowers and fruit. They tested the results of growing 1147 in a variety of materials, some with very obvious non-scientific objectives.
Substance: $2,183 US in mixed bills, shredded and mixed with water to form pulp.
Result: Similar structure to SCP-1147-PA, but trunk is a pale green in color. Leaves bear a random mix of symbols and images commonly found on currency, but do not resemble complete and passable bills. Flowers have the scent of fresh dollar bills.
Fruit: A paper skin filled with dark ink. Sample of ink had a mild plum flavor.
Notes: I told you it wouldn't work. I'm glad I didn't chip in to the collection. -Dr. Laurel
There's also the comment that the head researcher makes after one test where they grew one tree in beer:
"I would recommend disciplinary action against Researcher Adams for liberally sampling SCP-1147-BE-2 before proper D-Class testing, but I believe the hangover is punishment enough."
SCP-048 would fit, if it ever existed. 048 has no SCP assigned to it, because it is "cursed".
Addendum 1: This is ridiculous. I'll prove to you superstitious bastards that you're all just being pussies. The restriction on SCP-048 is now removed and assigned to [DATA EXPUNGED]. - Dr. Cortez.
Addendum 2: SCP-048, [DATA EXPUNGED], was accidentally thrown into the trash this morning and lost. In an unrelated incident, Dr. Cortez's arms were accidentally traumatically amputated in a horrific lunchroom blender accident. SCP-048 closed. - O5-11
Sample 887-1111: The musical score for "SCP Foundation, The Musical"
Personally, I think we should try to sell this to Broadway. I mean, really; how else are you going to see Dr. Bright and Dr. Clef belting out a duet about SCP-682's eating habits? -Dr. Edison
SCP-586. Description cannot do this one justice, but once you've got used to translating the typographical eras it's hilarious.
Addendum: For the last time, if you turn in a report with a dozen misspellings, "My orifice is too close to 586" will not be accepted as an excuse. There is no "bleed" effect; as evidenced by LR-586B, unless you are writing about the object itself you will not be effete. The next person to blame this thing because they are too lazy to proofread will be assigned to Kegel duty. Dr. █████
SCP-1370, a rather hostile robot with grandiose appetites for destruction that is really just incapable of harming anything. To give you an idea of how incapable, a test log shows it losing against a potted plant. No, not another SCP, just an ordinary potted plant.
If SCP-1370 encounters an object it believes to be sapient, it will attempt to engage the object in combat while introducing itself with a variety of elaborate titles which appear to be selected at random. Examples include Doom Bot 2000, Robo Lord the Destructor, Prime Minister Sinister and Darth Claw Killflex. SCP-1370 will often include variations to these titles based on responses it receives from personnel; Foundation staff have successfully introduced Patheticon the Garglemost and Pester Bot to its lexicon.
SCP-846: THIS VERSION OF ROBO-DUDE IS EQUIPPED WITH OVER A HUNDRED NEW ROBO-ACCESSORIES AND ROBO-FEATURES, INCLUDING 'VOICE ACTION', 'POWER PUNCH' AND 'ROBO-DANCE'. ROBO-DUDE WILL NOW DEMONSTRATE ROBO-DANCE.
Not straight-up funny like most of these, but SCP-1025 is a glorious bit of metafictional commentary by way of Reality Ensues. At first, it looks like your typical Keter-class object with a long experiment log killing a bunch of class-Ds, which eventually degenerates into an Apocalyptic Log... and then someone from O5 comes along and says that absolutely no unusual pathogens were detected and all the thing actually causes is "hypochondria by proxy." He/she then wonders who thought it was a good idea wasting all this money on the SCP, cuts the research funding, stuffs the book in a locker, and reclassifies it to "Safe."
SCP-157: █████ ██████, found with extensive scalp damage after mistaking SCP-157 for a bottle of shampoo and applying some to his hair. Victim was apparently immune to SCP-157 anesthetic and began screaming, attracting the attention of his wife, who had been eating a snack. "It was the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen – he had a pastrami sandwich on his head, and it was eating HIM!"
SCP-147: As has been verified repeatedly, the presence of persons born after March 1965 does not in and of itself trigger a hostile event. For reasons still unknown, SCP-147 objects mainly to manufactured items. Dr. ████████ ████ recently conducted an experiment in which he clothed himself with vintage (pre-1965) articles of clothing, with the caveat that he had three Bic Flair pens (invented in the 1970s) in his shirt pocket. What he saw while seated in front of SCP-147, he would later describe as "a bizarre episode of I Love Lucy featuring a surprising amount of gunplay."
SCP-423: It's a character named Fred who moves from book to book, adding himself in the story. He is hilarious, and I hope they add to his experimentation page soon. The best there now is Ulysses, which he doesn't edit and says it hurt, and House of Leaves, which he complains was way too confusing. It's great to know even SCPs can't figure that book out.
SCP-423 (Fred): (after entering Ulysses) Ow, ow, bad idea.
Dr. E. Mann: Note this as a potential punishment for SCP-423 if it misbehaves.
And then he edited Green Eggs And Ham. His response afterwards? "That was fun."
They also gave him access to a copy of his own test log to see what he would do...
Results: Identical, except for the insertion of the words "ruggedly handsome" in several sections of the log.
SCP-1006 is a cluster of spiders. COMMUNIST spiders. The clincher is the following :
Once supplied a source of black ink and poster sheets, SCP-1006 will communicate with humans by creating signs written in English. These communications are largely centered around demands for the dismantling of western imperialism, a scathing critique of the bourgeoisie, and a request for less mosquito spraying in the surrounding area of the park.
Makes you wonder what will happen if they ever come in contact with SCP-50-AE-J (the AMERICAN! eagle).
In hindsight, the fact that SCP-173 lives for "crunch" is freaking hilarious.
SCP-1171 is a monstrous eldritch abomination that hates humans. Think less 'Adolf Hitler in Cthulhu's body' and more 'your white trash idiot friend who keeps complaining about black people'.
Addendum 109-3: "It has come to my attention that new class D personnel are often dared to empty the bottle. Guards are reminded that they are to discourage such activity, and inform them that SCP-109 is bottomless. Chanting 'Chug!' repeatedly is considered unprofessional." — Dr. Klein
Decomm Anon. The decommed SCPs hold a meeting. It went as well as you expect.
"This is supposed to be a constructive meeting, not a contest of who has the best stories or is the least terrible. If you weren't terrible you wouldn't be here."
One Bad Mother. If Herr Chirurg invoking Mr. Seahorse doesn't send you running for the hills from the get-go... let's just say the ending makes it work.
SCP-1839. The SCP is a book that makes the reader think they are a fish. However the effect is memetic and the entry is also trying to convince you are also a fish. This is ridiculous of course, because, since you're a fish, there's no possible way you could read the SCP entry and its attempts to convince you that you're a fish. Which you are.
The best part: the addendum at the end is credited to "Dr. U. R. A. Fish."
They attempted to "defeat" SCP-738 by putting him against the Foundation's legal counsel. It was amazing.
"Come back any time. I haven't had so much fun in years!"
SCP-1492, a car which steals valuable things by teleporting them inside itself and leaves snarky messages in their place, tries to steal a SCP item. The message left behind? "what the hell is that get it off oh shit oh shit take it back"
SCP-1247, albeit in a very darkly humorous way. A man who, after watching the movie Holes, perceives any animal as looking exactly like Shia LaBeouf. In the buff. The clincher, though, is the punchline.
SCP-076 winds up leading a task force code-named Omega. Unfortunately...
Able's getting bored, and he's started putting his team through live fire exercises: they get bullets, he gets training weapons. Have you ever seen someone break a man's jaw using a Nerf sword? He's not gonna stop until someone gets killed.
Able and his task force got assigned to a mission. Someone objected, but was ignored and the mission was conducted anyway. He responded again, attaching hello.jpgnote The infamous memetic "goatse" image, though a text placeholder is used here in place of the actual image itself to his response. Poor guy was not only completely disregarded, he got reassigned to SCP-682 dutynote However, he's the one who wrote that note on the top of 076's article, so he's alive and well.
Subject: I hope you're fucking proud of yourself, motherfucker.
The old version of SCP-323, an otherwise bad object that got replaced, has containment procedures containing possibly the greatest sentence ever written.
"The room must be shaved daily."
SCP-152 is a huge, constantly changing book that describes numerous different ways humanity could go extinct. Apparently half the entries in the last fifty or so pages are devoted to many ways the Foundation screws up and accidentally destroys the universe. One Foundation staff member suggests making SCP-152 required reading material in order to keep newbies from inadvertently wiping out all life.
SCP-572, which is a parody of ignorant wannabes who obsess over the "quality" of cheap, impractical swords.
Normally, Containment Procedures are there to heighten the dread of an object's effects. SCP-677's Containment Procedures do something similar, but to a slightly different effect...
SCP-677 is currently in the vicinity of Saturn’s orbit.
This tale. It's SCP-846 and SCP-1370 in a dance-off. The joke writes itself.
SCP-1541, which can basically be summed up as a long-forgotten deity who harasses the descendents of his followers. Via text messages. While drunk. The message log between SCP-1541 and a woman he constantly pesters to worship him has to be seen to be believed.
SCP-1296. It's funny enough that there's a "deliver-a-llama" SCP, but the real hilarity comes when they asked it for SCP-1545.
"Just fucking take it!"
Also, one order results in the delivery of a lama... as in, a Buddhist holy man, who has no idea how the hell he got there.
Look bud, if the suicidal artist robot schtick isn't going to convince you to do your queer talk somewhere else, may I offer a rebuttal: go fuck yourself with a cactus.
The SCP-001 proposal "Keter Duty" involves Keter-class objects being made to contain each other. The last pair of items is none other than SCP-055 and SCP-579. The description? "Can't fit round pegs into square holes."
SCP-1459, especially the last four tests with the Maintenance Technician. Hope you don't like puppies!
SCP-555 draws dead matter to it, with its radius of effect growing as more is attracted. Now, in general the containment procedures leave out instructions not to do obviously stupid things, but since it involves dead bodies...
SCP-555 is never to be stored in the same site as SCP-447.
SCP-1472. Velociraptors in Meido costumes are involved. The entire thing is just so bizarrely hilarious.
"A Keter Kinda Christmas", with Dr. Bright as the Christmas party host, SCP-1845 (a sentient fox who believes he is a medieval European king named Eugenio) as Ebenezer Scrooge, and SCP-173 as the Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come.
SCP-1722 is a crudely decorated stick that, when brought near any written or recorded document, infests said document(s) with commentary from a grumpy old man. Some of the more hysterical testing logs:
On a sappy romance novel: AND THEN THEY FUCKED AND GOOD GOD THIS PROSE IS PURPLE. (written in block capitals, one letter per page) Hamlet's soliloquy in Act 1, Scene 2: GODDAMMIT SHUT UP. Singing along (badly) to Bob Dylan's "Like a Rolling Stone" On its own testing logs: Oh look, it’s a guy with a stick. Wonderful, wonderful. Another guy walks in, “Hey Bob, how’s it going?” “Oh, you know, just holding this stick here.” “Oh really that sounds interesting! Here, hold this book.” “Gee wiz, Frank, now I’m holding both a stick and a book and aaaaaaaaaaaargh do something already!
snorlison: For morale purposes and to continue her goodwill towards the Foundation, it may serve SCP-105 to encounter others similar to her in experience. For example, in a controlled setting, an encounter between SCP-105 and SCP-808note the old version was an android girl that was mildly popular until the author flounced. might prove fruitful.
So just what is Procedure 110-Montauk? According to one person: "Well, you see, first you [REDACTED] until the elephant begins to trumpet, spurting the [REDACTED] holding her upside down over a bed of live cobras, wherein [REDACTED] but you have to make sure you do it no more then three [REDACTED] Barbra Streisand's Greatest Hits [REDACTED] over seventeen feet long, but that's not the worst part, because the staple remover [REDACTED] make absolutely sure that the feather boa is black and not dark blue, or else you risk [REDACTED] followed by the plutonium splitting the atom, until [REDACTED] and that's it, really." Another answer is that it's "Giving SCP-231 a plate of the driest chocolate chip cookies - with no milk. All the rest of the people required by the containment procedures watch and laugh at her."
This post on the 682 discussion forum. Also what immediately follows.
Sorts: Did you guys know that a toilet that eats your butt was a real SCP once. Do you know why it isn't anymore.
Salman Corbette: Because it came back to bite the author in the ass?
On the discussion page of SCP-239, Voct is asking why SCP-239 is treated as a world-ending threat and SCP-040 isn't and whether or not she could depower 239. Kain Pathos Crow explains that 239 is way more powerful than 040. Voct then states that 040 could depower 239 but she would have to be told about the situation and realise that the Foundation can and (if necessary) will do the same to her. Crow reponds with the following.
Kain Pathos Crow: You know, there's only one thought I could get out of this… LOLI FIGHT!!!!
An April Fools Day article that was supposedly the hub for a 200+ chapter sequel to a story called "The Cool War" has more than a few gems. Including this sequence of chapter titles.
> 161. IT IS I, RUIZ, YOUR ARCH RIVAL
> 162. AND NOW I MUST DESTROY YOU
> 163. HYAAAAAAAAAAAAA
> 164. Ruiz Charges A Blast Of Ki (Part One)
> 165. Ruiz Charges A Blast Of Ki (Part Two)
> 166. Ruiz Charges A Blast Of Ki (Part Three)
> 167. Ruiz Charges A Blast Of Ki (Part Four)
> 168. Ruiz Charges A Blast Of Ki (Part Five)
> 169. Ruiz Charges A Blast Of Ki (Part Six)
> 170. Ruiz Releases A Blast Of Ki (Finally)
> 171. He Missed
> 172. And Hit A Bus Filled With Orphans
> 173. Oops
Most of the "Doctors of the Church" canon, especially when Dr. Bright shows up. Long story short, something (or a lot of somethings) breached containment, civilization fell apart, and the senior staff decided the best thing to do to ensure the future of humanity was to reform the Foundation as a religion. Hilarity ensued. Six hundred years later, Bright is still stuck in 963, worshipped as the equivalent of Jesus (much to his annoyance), and the "Council of Thirteen" put him in the body of a "D-Caste" whenever they need clarification on the "Holy Containment Procedures".