History Funny / SCPFoundation

16th May '17 1:07:26 PM Routganan
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-->Memo from Dr. ████: “While the test was unsuccessful and ended in tragedy, that had to be the funniest thing I have ever seen. I never thought I’d see the day when I would regard SCP-682 as “cute”. Please send me a copy of the security tapes ASAP.”
16th May '17 1:00:47 PM Routganan
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**It even amuses a doctor to the point of wanting the security tapes of the incident.
24th Apr '17 9:07:55 PM Kuruni
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--->'''Addendum''': ''To the anonymous employee who took the Site-17 surveillance camera footage of Drs. Clef and Kondraki having a swordfight, set it to the "[[Franchise/Highlander Highlander]]" theme song, and posted it to the company interweb with the title, "[[ThereCanOnlyBeOne There Can Only Be One]]": We will find out who you are, and when we do, you'll be missed greatly.''\\

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--->'''Addendum''': ''To the anonymous employee who took the Site-17 surveillance camera footage of Drs. Clef and Kondraki having a swordfight, set it to the "[[Franchise/Highlander Highlander]]" ''Franchise/{{Highlander}}'' theme song, and posted it to the company interweb with the title, "[[ThereCanOnlyBeOne There Can Only Be One]]": We will find out who you are, and when we do, you'll be missed greatly.''\\
24th Apr '17 7:01:49 PM Qwerty17
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--->'''Addendum''': ''To the anonymous employee who took the Site-17 surveillance camera footage of Drs. Clef and Kondraki having a swordfight, set it to the "Highlander" theme song, and posted it to the company interweb with the title, "There Can Only Be One": We will find out who you are, and when we do, you'll be missed greatly.''\\

to:

--->'''Addendum''': ''To the anonymous employee who took the Site-17 surveillance camera footage of Drs. Clef and Kondraki having a swordfight, set it to the "Highlander" "[[Franchise/Highlander Highlander]]" theme song, and posted it to the company interweb with the title, "There "[[ThereCanOnlyBeOne There Can Only Be One": One]]": We will find out who you are, and when we do, you'll be missed greatly.''\\



8. [[NighInvulnerable SCP-]][[OmnicidalManiac 682]] - Most of the time you will not even see SCP-682. But you must prepare for all things, and this is something to prepare for. SCP-682 is a soulless monster[[note]]This is one of the few places where Dimitri is right.[[/note]] and should be shot until he is deads. [[note]]This is where he's wrong. SCP-682 has proven to be pretty much impossible for the Foundation to kill, despite all their resources. What are the chances that a bunch of bullets will do the trick?[[/note]]
** The best part is that in the middle of all his ranting and raving, Dimitri includes a page on taking care of babies on the battlefield, and the officer reviewing the proposal finds it sensible.

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8. [[NighInvulnerable SCP-]][[OmnicidalManiac 682]] - Most of the time you will not even see SCP-682. But you must prepare for all things, and this is something to prepare for. SCP-682 is a soulless monster[[note]]This is one of the few places where Dimitri is right.[[/note]] and should be shot until he is deads. [[note]]This is where he's wrong. [[NighInvulnerable SCP-682 has proven to be pretty much impossible for the Foundation to kill, kill]], despite all their resources.resources and access to other anomalies. What are the chances that a bunch of bullets will do the trick?[[/note]]
** The best part is that in the middle of all his ranting and raving, Dimitri Dmitri includes a page on taking care of babies on the battlefield, and the officer reviewing the proposal finds it sensible.
24th Apr '17 6:53:02 PM Qwerty17
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** Best part is that in the middle of all his ranting and raving, Dimitri includes a page on taking care of babies on the battlefield, and the officer reviewing the proposal finds it sensible.

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** Best There's also this bit of ''severe'' underkill:
--->'''8) Who You Shoot On Sight'''\\
8. [[NighInvulnerable SCP-]][[OmnicidalManiac 682]] - Most of the time you will not even see SCP-682. But you must prepare for all things, and this is something to prepare for. SCP-682 is a soulless monster[[note]]This is one of the few places where Dimitri is right.[[/note]] and should be shot until he is deads. [[note]]This is where he's wrong. SCP-682 has proven to be pretty much impossible for the Foundation to kill, despite all their resources. What are the chances that a bunch of bullets will do the trick?[[/note]]
** The best
part is that in the middle of all his ranting and raving, Dimitri includes a page on taking care of babies on the battlefield, and the officer reviewing the proposal finds it sensible.
24th Apr '17 4:53:05 PM Qwerty17
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** Also, there's this comment from an O5 regarding a video of Clef and Kondraki fighting:
--->'''Addendum''': ''To the anonymous employee who took the Site-17 surveillance camera footage of Drs. Clef and Kondraki having a swordfight, set it to the "Highlander" theme song, and posted it to the company interweb with the title, "There Can Only Be One": We will find out who you are, and when we do, you'll be missed greatly.''\\
\\
P.S. ''Whose smart idea was it to allow [[BloodKnight SCP-076]] to view the footage?''\\
-O5-█
9th Apr '17 10:04:33 PM ProgenyExMachina
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* [[WebVideo/EpicRapBattlesOfHistory Epic Rap Battles of]] Wiki Contributors! [[GangstaRap Dr. Clef]] vs. [[PissTakeRap Dr. Bright]] vs. [[BoastfulRap Dr. Sorts]] vs. [[RunningGag Dr. King]]! [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/forum/t-458709/follow-the-keter#post-1409276 Begin!]]

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* [[WebVideo/EpicRapBattlesOfHistory Epic Rap Battles of]] Wiki Contributors! Characters! [[GangstaRap Dr. Clef]] vs. [[PissTakeRap Dr. Bright]] vs. [[BoastfulRap Dr. Sorts]] vs. [[RunningGag Dr. King]]! [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/forum/t-458709/follow-the-keter#post-1409276 Begin!]]
9th Apr '17 11:17:34 AM nombretomado
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* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/24th-december-2008-14th-january-2009 It turns out]] [[CreepyChild SCP-040]] is a fan of RubyGloom. That's... [[FridgeBrilliance surprisingly]] [[DarkIsNotEvil appropriate]].

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* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/24th-december-2008-14th-january-2009 It turns out]] [[CreepyChild SCP-040]] is a fan of RubyGloom.WesternAnimation/RubyGloom. That's... [[FridgeBrilliance surprisingly]] [[DarkIsNotEvil appropriate]].
25th Mar '17 8:22:09 PM NightShade96
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25th Mar '17 8:20:28 PM NightShade96
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[[folder:[=SCP=] Entries]]
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2115 SCP-2115]] is a dating site that lets you meet extradimensional aliens. On the questionnaire you fill out to make an account, questions include "Number of poisonous body parts", "types of extremities", and this gem:
--> "(click »here« for a description of the difference between a pet and a slave)"
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-445 SCP-445]]
-->'''Folded Into:''' A paper boat/hat - When placed in water, became self-propelling at speeds of up to 60 km/h. When inverted and placed on head, subject's physical attractiveness was greatly increased in the eyes of viewers. When both were performed simultaneously, both effects were achieved, with subject reported as looking 'dead sexy' while scooting around the water upside-down.\\
'''Folded Into:''' Origami copy of SCP-682 - Animated halfway through folding process, causing Dr. G considerable injury. Testing session ended.
--->''Notes: Let's not try that again. - Dr. G''
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-504 SCP-504]], a series of [[ProducePelting tomatoes that attack anyone or anything]] that tells bad jokes in its proximity.
** "Those tomato slices are like fucking shuriken."
** The TakeThat in the test notes.
--->'''Item''': One mature SCP-504 tomato\\
'''Subject''': CD player playing "Harmful If Swallowed" (2003, Dane Cook)\\
'''Result''': At [REDACTED], tomato clocked 167 mph. CD player destroyed.
** And this
--->'''Item''': One mature SCP-504 tomato\\
'''Subject''': Television playing the SNL Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton skit.\\
'''Result''': Tomato reacted as if 'confused': slow-motion video shows three separate bursts of speeds in excess of 200mph, two incidences of motion at normal throwing speeds, and one unprecedented instance of backward motion, all in the one trajectory. Dr. King hypothesises that the tomato was unsure whether or not to 'take it seriously'.
** 504's reaction to exposure to [[Series/MontyPythonsFlyingCircus The Funniest Joke In The World:]]
--->'''Item:''' One mature SCP-504 tomato\\
'''Subject:''' A portable computer playing a partial audio recording of the Monty Python sketch "The Funniest Joke in the World".\\
'''Transcript:''' "Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!"\\
'''Result:''' [[StuffBlowingUp Tomato explodes.]] Debris clocked at 137 mph. Computer heavily coated by debris. Keyboard ruined by exposure to liquid matter -- all other components proved functional after cleanup.

--->'''Item:''' One mature SCP-504 tomato\\
'''Subject:''' A portable computer playing a pre-recorded engineering joke.\\
'''Transcript:''' "2009 is going to be a complex year. We already know the real part; we still have to find the imaginary part".\\
'''Result:''' [[ThereIsNoKillLikeOverKill Supersonic blast detected;]] [[FlatWhat computer was completely vaporized by the tomato's kinetic energy. Sensor readings indicate an approximate speed of 3500 km/h (2174 mph).]]
** One test subject told a deliberately terrible, ill-paced joke. He was promptly killed by a tomato that broke the sound barrier.

* Also, the [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/experiment-log-914 test log]] for SCP-914.
--->"Yes, I've been playing chess with 914. Yes, I'm aware it's supposed to be non-sentient, but that hardly explains why it's winning." [[note]]The observant chess players among you might notice that 914's opening two moves is a clear attempt to play a Scholar's Mate.[[/note]]
**
--->'''Input''': 1x IRS Form 1040 (blank)\\
'''Setting''': Fine\\
'''Output''': 1x IRS Form 1040, with all blank space including margins and backs of pages filled with imprecations against the IRS and taxation in general in the following languages [in order of quantity of text, from greatest to least]: Basque, Quenya [see below], Sumerian, Cherokee, an unidentifiable language with a writing system composed of curved symbols, Classical Chinese, English (from the curses used, apparently c. 1650-1750). After long study of the unidentifiable symbols Dr. █████ could identify no commonality with any of the other languages present on the form. The Sumerian contained three words unattested from any known text. The Quenya had its cursing of the IRS interspersed with vituperation of someone or something called "[[Literature/TheSilmarillion Morgoth]]".
** An anachronistic IRS 1040 form filled out by Augustus Caesar.
**
--->'''Input''': 1 (one) ██████ brand 'Super-Duper Bouncy Ball'\\
'''Setting''': Very Fine\\
'''Output''': One ball, that appears unchanged from the input. There is however, a difference in its [REDACTED] properties, exhibited when dropped by Dr Brown. [REDACTED] forty five casualties, twelve injuries [DATA EXPUNGED] forty-five casualties, and reached escape velocity. Currently thought to be orbiting Mars.
** Fun with alcohol.
--->''Name'': Agent Smithers\\
Date: 8/19/████\\
Total Items: Two (2) bottles of mass-produced supermarket beer and two (2) bottles of microbrewed, hand-crafted beer.\\
\\
'''Input''': One (1) bottle of high-quality beer.\\
'''Setting''': Very fine.\\
'''Output''': A small glass orb filled with a glowing gas. Mass is identical to the beer bottle. Later testing revealed that physical contact with the orb produces an inspirational effect on the subject. D-8742, upon contact with the object, requested a sheet of paper, which he folded into a paper [DATA EXPUNGED].\\
''Update: It's been five months since D-8742's termination, and that thing is still in the air. Possible SCP classification?''
* Also, [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/experiment-log-447-a Experiment Log 447-A]].
-->''"What is WITH you people?" - Dr. A. Clef''
** One log details a terminated attempt to test SCP-447-2 with a dead body. The next log? SCP-447-2 is tested on [[spoiler:Dr. Clef. Clef]] "threatened to kill staff members carrying out the experiment if it were not for the fact that doing so would violate experimental protocol". Or rather, he wants everyone involved in this dead and was fully willing to kill them right there and then... if that wouldn't put the SCP in contact with dead bodies. He has to wait until he's been fully cleaned of the stuff to retaliate.
** It's pretty funny how they always mention minty freshness...
** Able tries a drink based on 447-2, noting its "refreshing" flavor. But when he's told of the effects of 447-2 he just backs out and loses interest. Yes, [[EvenEvilHasStandards even a psychopathic killing machine]] is afraid of [[NoodleIncident what will happen when 447-2 meets a dead body]].
** At one point, the lab runs samples of 447-2 through SCP-914. The final one involves putting a sample of SCP-447-2 into the machine at the [[EquivalentExchange 1:1]] setting. The output is... [[RunningGag a dead body]].
--->''Further cross-testing of SCP-447-2 with SCP-914 has been enjoined by order of O5-[REDACTED].''
** One researcher uses SCP-447-2 as a sexual lubricant, and states that the test "went ''really'' well". He then comments that SCP-447-2 could be marketed as such - unfortunately, he doesn't think they could stop necrophiliacs from using it.
* "SCP personnel below Level 3 are now banned from handling [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-500 SCP-500]]. This is not to be used to cure a hangover. [[GallowsHumor Get AIDS]] and then ask permission."
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-705 SCP-705]].
-->''In less than an hour, SCP-705 had taken control of the Mr. Coffee machine, declaring independence and control over the region. The assault was routed when Dr. Rights brushed them away from the burner, resulting in massive casualties and a complete rout. Interviews with SCP-705 remark on this day with great fear and resentment.''
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/experiment-log-261-ad-de The list of food items procured from SCP-261, a magic vending machine.]]
** When it dispenses a six-inch long caramel figurine of SCP-682, the local NighInvulnerable, regenerating badass monster... that proceeded to [[Film/{{Spaceballs}} "... do an apparent barbershop routine, dancing with a suddenly materializing cane and hat upon the counter. Music came from an unidentified source and resembled a standard barbershop routine, but those present were unable to place the singers."]]
*** Really, any time something silly happens to 682, or a depiction thereof. In [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-978-extended-test-logs SCP-978's test log]], the picture of SCP-053 shows 682 ''in a floral dress, with a red hair-bow and bright pink nail polish'', which is, of course, a hilarious mental image, no matter HOW you envision 682.
** '''[[TestosteronePoisoning X-Treme Chips]]''': Fed chips to D-Class 24045-06, whose voice immediately grew deeper and requested this agent join him in extreme sport activities such as surfboarding, mountain climbing, and bungee jumping. Request was denied.
** "Snapple" - A seemingly normal Granny Smith, with a small, hand-written tag attached to the stem. Further examination revealed the center to be [[GeniusBonus composed of]] [[StealthPun solid tin.]]
** The money used on the machine also decides what it'll spit out:
--->'''Money entered''': 1 counterfeit 500 yen coin (minted on site, otherwise identical to authentic article), accepted by SCP-261\\
'''SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered''': Powered\\
'''Item description''': After a delay of approximately 3 seconds, an unmarked, opaque white cellophane package was dispensed. Package contained candies similar to "Gummi Bears," but [[FlippingTheBird shaped like human hands with extended middle fingers]]. [[OhCrap Item was interpreted as a threat and not consumed]]. Testing revealed [[CyanidePill candy contained lethal amounts of potassium cyanide]].
*** When the Foundation slipped in a note reading "I.O.U. 500 ¥", SCP-261 dispensed an opened bag of Smartfood brand White Cheddar popcorn, containing only crumbs of said popcorn and a note reading "I.O.U. 41 popcorn kernels". This seems to prove that not only does SCP-261 have some form of sentience, it also has a sense of humor! Later, when they inserted 500 yen, the machine dispensed the promised 41 popcorn kernels, without any package.
*** And finally, they drilled a hole through a 100 ¥ coin, tied a string to it, and yanked it out of SCP-261. The first few tests yielded edible food that later caused subjects to [[LaserGuidedKarma vomit up the food in question]]. After several similar tests, it produced for the testers a live grenade. The Foundation declared a moratorium on all further attempts to mess with SCP-261's coin delivery system.
** The machine seems to take personal offense to pressing the coin return button; the second time they tried it, it spat out a red soda can that was humming loudly (a large insect was inside it) with the phrase [[AC:"Stop that."]] on it.
** Doctor King can get nothing from SCP-261 but [[RunningGag apple seeds,]] one for each yen put into the machine. Other researchers after him tried to use the machine that same day, but also got apple seeds and promptly blamed him for "breaking" the machine.
** "Mr. Q's Cumbersome Soda Bottle", a ShoutOut to [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ramune Ramune]] bottles. It took ''an hour'' for the researcher to figure out how to drink it properly.
** "Mr. Mercer's amazing condiment", a food additive that makes everything taste delicious, and we do mean ''everything,'' including wood, stone, sand, rotten meat. However, it does not change the composition of the object it is applied to.
** A penis made of chocolate. Filled with liquid white chocolate.
--> Edible. Testing concluded.
** Someone had the bright idea to try the coin-on-a-string trick again, with one Dr. Yatts, who was present the last time this was attempted, described as seeming [[ThisIsGonnaSuck very nervous]]. Sure enough, 261 dropped another grenade, [[MassOhCrap which prompted everyone in the vicinity to dive for cover]]... at which point the grenade exploded into a shower of confetti with a noisemaker sound, filling the room with the taste of peppermint.
--> ''I'm not gonna lie; [[BringMyBrownPants I [EXPLETIVE] myself.]] I'm not coming in this room anymore if we're playing coin tricks with this thing!\\
-- A very nervous Dr. Yatts''
** A can of "Blueberry Yoo-Hoo", which yelled "Yoo-hoo!" in a high-pitched voice when opened. The experiment log speaks for itself:
--> ''D-3489 ingested beverage without incident, but experienced [[{{Gasshole}} an increased rate of flatulence for three hours]] after consuming drink; [[ToiletHumor each flatus repeating the phrase "Yoo-hoo!"]]''
** Three strips of bacon which force the eater to speak in PigLatin.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-606 SCP-606]], while otherwise silent, suddenly became... talkative:
--> ''God dammit, which one of you [REDACTED] gave it 2 MB of porn? It's already being considered for Keter, now we can't get it to shut up about [DATA EXPUNGED].''
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-539 SCP-539]] Test 539-1:
--> "Security personnel ordered to line up all with clear lines of sight on tester, with instructions to not break eye contact with tester under any circumstances. When the disc was thrown, the security personnel experienced a "sudden wardrobe existence failure", causing all of them to lose eye contact with the tester, being more concerned with the loss of clothing and the issue of the climate being rather uncomfortable to a nude security guard."
* A test log of [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-978 SCP-978]], a camera that produces photographs of what the subject really wants to be doing:
-->Subject: Kitten (stray lab animal)\\
Photographs Activity: Being held for the picture by Dr. █████\\
Photo Result: [DATA EXPUNGED] - I would NEVER do that to a kitten! -Dr. █████
** [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-890 SCP-890]], the doctor who can operate on machines, is shown with the camera on his desk, rolling his eyes and gesturing for it to get out.
--->''When shown the photograph, SCP-890 stated that although it would never actually "be that rude to a patient", it has "no time for hypochondriacs".''
* The entry for [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-756 SCP-756]], a [[CityInABottle miniature solar system]]:
--> '''Planet III:''' mostly ocean dotted with islands of varying biome, presently inhabited by a sentient species of nomadic reptilians, with a religion based on ocean tides and the unexpected sight of Doctor ████████'s helmeted face in the night sky.
-->'''Addendum:''' Any personnel caught placing glow-in-the-dark stars on the walls of the cell will be reassigned to paperwork.
--> In the event that Planet IV’s inhabitants attempt to build another satellite weapon (see Incident Report SCP-756 A), personnel assigned to remove it must remain aware that although missiles fired from IV's surface cannot penetrate standard-issue spacesuits, helmets or visors, weapons platforms will almost certainly fire more quickly than the average human being can move.
* A D-Class with little intelligence and imagination is tested on [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-825 SCP-825]], a helmet that uses disturbing (to the person) audio[=/=]visual hallucinations.
-->'''Results:''' As expected the subject confinement in a room with several rodents. When asked if he was being bitten, the subject responded "No... wait, now they are." Further suggestions as to how the vision could be worse (larger rats, being restrained, being confined in a tiny box filled with rats, the rats specifically attacking subject's eyes and genitals) were all subsequently introduced into the subject's vision after a short delay.
* An earlier revision of [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-294 SCP-294]] had this at the bottom of the page; turns out SCP-294 has a sense of humor:
-->"Researcher reported a quantifiable level of surprise at the occurrence."
** The poor dude ordered "Surprise me". 294 gave him a cup of superheated water, which exploded in his face.
*** After healing from the burns, the person was reported to have said "Well, it certainly surprised me!"
** Again from an earlier revision: Someone orders "Whatever the next person orders", to see if it can predict the future. Of course, the machine just waited until the next person ordered and gave both drinks at the same time. "Cleanup took two hours, and the researcher was told in a firm voice not to do it again."
** What happened when someone asked for "my life story".
-->"Upon consumption, Dr.████████ reported that he remembered everything that had ever happened to him. Following this test, Dr.████████ entered his office and returned 48 hours later with a 538-page autobiography."
** SCP-294 has complied with a request to make a [[Franchise/TheHitchhikersGuideToTheGalaxy Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster]].
* Abusing [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-661 SCP-661]], a rude saleman with the power of a CompellingVoice.
-->''- '████. It ████████ reeks in here. Open a god ████ window or something''' (Denied. Security Officer ██████ farted instead.)
** How about when he asked for a can of Pepsi, and was given a can of Coke instead? "Denied. After recovering from concussion, Dr. █████ was reassigned to a non-sentient SCP."
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-050 SCP-050]] is a ClingyMacGuffin that people can "win" if they can prank whoever owns it. Add dangerous [=SCPs=] to the mix, and you have [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/document-050 "The Great Researcher Prank War"]].
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-387 What happens when you expose sentient Lego blocks to cheap Lego copies:]]
-->Once a normal community of 387 was constructed, a small mound of Megablocks (a common copy of Lego) was placed near the community. When this happened, everything constructed of 387 stopped moving, turned slowly towards the Megablocks and [EXPUNGED].\\
\\
''Addendum 387-6: [[PrecisionFStrike Jesus fucking Christ.]] - Dr. Arch''
** Don't forget what happens when you expose kids to sentient Lego blocks.
--->"Addendum 387-1: How the fuck did these children gain knowledge of the workings of a M1 Abrams Tank, no less [EXPUNGED]!?"
* The testing log for [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-061 SCP-061,]] a computer program that controls people's minds. The vague "Run on treadmill" command resulted in the test subjects attempting to run on an unmoving treadmill, run on a treadmill at full speed, and jog until told to stop, respectively, the latter two of which ended up flying off the end of the treadmill, [[Series/AmericasFunniestHomeVideos AFV]]-style.
* The ending of [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-523 SCP-523]].
--> Note: Since it seems that SCP-523's transformations are more or less proportional to the gravity of the situation it is being used for, it is imperative that it be destroyed immediately in the event of an XK-class end-of-the-world scenario, as it may turn into something that would further exacerbate the situation. Like the Sun. -Dr. Willis
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-732 SCP-732]] is an entity of sorts which vandalizes articles with bragging LeetLingo $%^&and has psykic powers and can blow peple up with teh blink of an eye#$%^. Its appearances in other articles are also for laughs, such as [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/incident-239-b-clef-kondraki an incident report]] where it's explained a SelfInsert managed to be killed because its entry was corrupted by 732, making it look much more powerful than he seemed.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-426 I]] have my description written entirely in the first person and am incredibly funny as a result. Just don't go back and read what I do to people.
--> Description: Hello, I am SCP-426. I must be introduced this way in order to prevent ambiguity. I am an ordinary toaster, able to toast bread when supplied with electricity. However, when any human being mentions me, they inadvertently refer to me in the first person. Despite all attempts, there is yet to be a way to speak or write about me in the third person. When in my continuous presence for over two months, individuals begin to identify themselves as a toaster. Unless forcibly restrained, these people will ultimately harm themselves in their attempts to emulate my standard functions.
** The doc's note at the end: "Thank God there are some limits to my effects. A lot of us were really starting to get worried about me."
* Telling a nine year old RealityWarper ([[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-239 SCP-239]]) about SantaClaus. Should have seen it coming:
-->Note from Dr. ████████, dated 12/26/04: ''Who the hell thought it would be a good idea to tell her about "Santa Claus" and then tell her that it was just a story?! Now we have another potential SCP to deal with, but we can't catch him because he is "magic".''
* The fourth testing log from [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-404 SCP-404]]. Saying anything else would ruin it.
** Also the very fact that this item is numbered 404. If you don't know why that is relevant [[spoiler: check what HTTP status code 404 means.]]
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/retrieval-log-db-503-b A happy accident leading from the constant changing of SCP numbers being deleted and reassigned...]] Funny enough that when SCP-503 was deleted and reassigned yet again, the article (the pasta pot, that is) was eventually dug up again and put back up [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-503-arc as an archived item]].
** Similarly, there's a [[http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/document-348-002 Foundation Tale]] about [[{{Ghostapo}} a Nazi research operation into an SCP]] where the original article was deleted and reassigned. While the number is redacted out in the title to account for this, it's still visible in the URL, so the Nazis apparently had a facility to research [[http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-348 a bowl that produces noodle soup when you're hurt]].
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-983 "Sing-along guidelines"]]. That is all.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-743 SCP-743]] is a Keter chocolate fountain that devours people. The Foundation plans to feed condemned D-class personnel to it. What do they call this plan? [[spoiler: ''Death By Chocolate''.]]
* Two people attempting to discuss [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-055 this eminently forgettable thing.]]
** When someone attempts to refine a list of 'Everything we know [the above item] is not' with 914's "Very Fine" setting:
---> '''Output: A list of something, about something. Researcher and Guard failed to recall what was on the list. List was misplaced, somewhere.'''
* Decommissions have been known to be a little... over-the-top. The [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp809termination termination of SCP-809]], described by the site as a self-insert cyborg boyfriend for the (now gone) SCP-808, actually begins with a heated discussion of how to kill 809 in the most ridiculous way possible, including feeding it to 682, processing it with 914, [[DeathBySex booby-trapping 808's shower]], using high-grade explosives, and [[RockBeatsLaser throwing a rock at him]] ("Like a big-ass rock?" "Like as big-of-an-ass rock you can find!"). Ultimately, it was decided to restrain him with high-power electromagnets and crush him with a magnetically-pulled 10-ton weight... [[RefugeInAudacity cast in the shape of a giant fist.]]
-->'''Gephart:''' I do want to say one thing, though.
-->'''Kondraki:''' And what's that?
-->'''Gephart:''' In the end, you wound up hitting it with a [[RockPaperScissors rock]] after all.
-->[[VaudevilleHook <boos, catcalls>]]
** Also this:
--->'''Interviewer''':"I'm just curious: was it REALLY necessary to cast the kill item in the shape of a giant steel fist?"
--->'''Dr. Clef''': "Not really, no."
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-826 SCP-826]] is a set of bookends which can portal users into the universe of whichever book is placed between its halves.
-->On ██/██/20██, SCP-826 was discovered to be missing by Dr. Clopine, who alerted Foundation security personnel. Security camera footage revealed assistant researcher D█████ V████████ had removed SCP-826 before leaving for the night. Personnel then proceeded to V████████'s apartment, where they detained him as he was entering the building. Searching his bag, Personnel found SCP-826 along with a new bottle of KY Warming Gel and a DVD copy of The Little Mermaid. SCP-826 was returned to the Foundation and V████████ has since been reassigned to Keter Duty.
** See below for the inevitable attempt to kill [[NighInvulnerable SCP-682]] with it.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-041 SCP-041]]
** "It has come to my attention that several personnel have used SCP-041 as an ad-hoc 'she likes me/she likes me not' detector. This is one of the most appalling things I've ever heard. Are we safeguarding potentially world-destroying objects or are we in third grade?" — Dr. Klein.
* This line from an After Action report about an incident wherein a D-Class prevents [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-498 SCP-498]] from getting out of control: "... D-4112 was treated for severe internal bleeding, commended for preventing a potentially catastrophic containment breach, and successfully terminated at the end of the month."
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-299 SCP-299]] is a Keter-class botanical SCP that turns any plant into a ravenous carnivore upon contact. For some reason, the Foundation decided to test it on a sunflower.
-->''Specimen's trunk snapped upon introduction of researcher's foot. Remains incinerated.''
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-871 SCP-871]], a collection of 237 cakes which, if eaten, will replace themselves within 24 hours and if ''not'' eaten will replicate themselves. Seems normal enough, but the funny part is that ''it's categorized as Keter class'', with Foundation scientists estimating that an uncontrolled outbreak would destroy the world by drowning it in cake!
** Also, the containment procedures suggest executing any D-class who refuses to eat the cake. Eat that cake ''or die''. It goes on to say that personnel who do eat a cake can volunteer to eat more, those who've consumed one should not be permitted access to any other SCP projects, and their monthly termination can be postponed if they exhibit "exceptional usefulness". Yes, as a D-class you can get a risk-free job that lets you survive indefinitely so long as you're willing to keep eating a lot of cake.
*** A choice between [[Creator/EddieIzzard cake or death?]]
** [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-503-arc SCP-503-ARC]] is similar: a pot that produces an endless amount of pasta until deactivated. The "Upgrade to Keter pending" is because of what happened [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/retrieval-log-db-503-b last time somebody left it on for too long]].
*** Is it ''Strega Nona's'' spaghetti pot?
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-731 SCP-731's]] [[PrecisionFStrike "rebuttal"]] to the scientists' experiments is simply funny.
* From the [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/experiment-log-455 exploration logs of SCP-455]]:
-->'''[=T2L=]''': [=T2L=] here HQ, we sent up a man as advised and he returned in four minutes. Sent him back twice in a sprint, two minutes. We all recorded thirty to get down this far at least, and we all recorded our scout's return times as well. There is definitely something inconsistent.
-->'''HQ''': Proceed as planned [=T2L=], time lapses have been recorded but we see no need to abort mission over this. Please use precautions when these lapses occur and immediately try to raise us should you suspect one so we can confirm time since last contact. In addition if radio silence is encountered use utmost discretion.\\
… … … .\\
[=T2L=] respond?\\
… … … .\\
[=T2L=]?\\
… … … .\\
[[PrecisionFStrike Fuck.]]
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-514 SCP-514]], a flock of doves that shuts down any attempt at violence and disables all weapons in its area of effect. This results in groups fighting to control it using... alternate methods of conflict resolution.
-->'''O5-██''': Are you serious? The fate of one of our [=SCPs=] could be decided on the outcome of rock-paper-scissors?!
-->'''Captain ████████''': I assure you sir, you have nothing to fear. We are [[SeriousBusiness dead serious]] about these matters.
-->'''O5-11''': Captain, couldn't you have chosen a more… dignified… game as your primary conflict resolution method? Seeing two grown men in all-black tactical gear taking a children's card game so seriously is… off-putting.
* While aging a bottle of scotch in [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/test-log-for-scp-119 SCP-119]]:
-->'''Dr. Grant''': Subsequent testing determined that the results of this experiment were delicious.
-->'''Dr. Deral''': It would seem Dr. Grant is a rather poor whiskey connoisseur, as whiskey does not age outside of the barrel. Your delicious experiment resulted in a 37-year old bottle of 12-year old scotch. Well done.
-->'''Dr. Grant''': I stand by my initial assessment. Delicious.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-173 SCP-173]] becomes marginally less frightening when you realise it bears a distinct resemblance to WesternAnimation/InvaderZim.
* The bizarrely adorable sapient calculator, [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-168 SCP-168]], wants a storage room with a window;
-->Upon entering storage room 185-D to continue testing with SCP-168 on the morning of January 15, 2008, I discovered the only table in the room upended, with SCP-168 resting next to it, in an upright position. Its screen read; “HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT? TEACH YOU TO LEAVE ME IN THE DARK ALL DAY. JERK.”
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-202 SCP-202]], the guy who does everything in reverse:
-->Addendum: Direct Order from Commander [EXPUNGED]: "We're not having any more discussion about what happens when two oh two goes to the bathroom!"
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-483 SCP-483]], pills which "de-age" the subject, in that they leave them biologically the same age but change all records of them to say they're younger;
-->Note: I've always been paranoid about memetic and mind-altering effects. Lucky for me, my countermeasures saved my memory from the overdose. Unfortunately, however, I've lost my clearance, seniority, staff, awards, retirement date, and the opportunity to have my aging mother ever recognize me again. Fixing at least some of these problems would be simple; that is, if anyone knew who the hell I was! That's the last time I get a rookie to draw up an experimental procedure for me, goddamn it. - Dr. Blast
-->Note: Dr. Blast, please refrain from using official documentation as a medium to voice complaint. That you're 2 weeks old is no excuse. - Dr. ████████
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1147 SCP-1147]] is a plum tree of unknown species that grow in anything the seeds are planted in. The whole tree takes on similar physical attributes to the material it was planted in, including the leaves, flowers and fruit. They tested the results of growing 1147 in a variety of materials, some with very obvious non-scientific objectives.
** This test:
--->SCP-1147-MO
--->Substance: $2,183 US in mixed bills, shredded and mixed with water to form pulp.
--->Result: Similar structure to SCP-1147-PA, but trunk is a pale green in color. Leaves bear a random mix of symbols and images commonly found on currency, but do not resemble complete and passable bills. Flowers have the scent of fresh dollar bills.
--->Fruit: A paper skin filled with dark ink. Sample of ink had a mild plum flavor.
--->Notes: I told you it wouldn't work. I'm glad I didn't chip in to the collection. -Dr. Laurel
** There's also the comment that the head researcher makes after one test where they grew one tree in beer:
--->"I would recommend disciplinary action against Researcher Adams for liberally sampling SCP-1147-BE-2 before proper D-Class testing, but I believe the hangover is punishment enough."
** [[NightmareFuel It stops being so funny when they start growing it in animal-based materials though.]] Though the doctor's response afterwards may give a bit of levity:
-->"This is exactly why I went into botany in the first place."
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-048 SCP-048]] would fit, if it ever existed. 048 has no SCP assigned to it, because it is "cursed".
-->'''''Addendum 1''''': This is ridiculous. I'll prove to you superstitious bastards that you're all just being pussies. The restriction on SCP-048 is now removed and assigned to [DATA EXPUNGED]. ''- Dr. Cortez.''
-->'''''Addendum 2''''': SCP-048, [DATA EXPUNGED], was accidentally thrown into the trash this morning and lost. In an unrelated incident, Dr. Cortez's arms were accidentally traumatically amputated in a horrific lunchroom blender accident. SCP-048 closed. - ''O5-11''
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-250 SCP-250]], a living ''Allosaurus'' skeleton:
-->Unauthorized access to SCP-250's enclosure during its daily activity period is [[TooDumbToLive its own punishment]].
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-887-log Parts of this log,]] especially:
-->Sample 887-1111: The musical score for "SCP Foundation, The Musical"
-->Personally, I think we should try to sell this to Broadway. I mean, really; how else are you going to see Dr. Bright and Dr. Clef belting out a duet about SCP-682's eating habits? -Dr. Edison
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-586 SCP-586]]. Description cannot do this one justice, but once you've got used to translating the typographical eras it's hilarious.
-->Addendum: For the last time, if you turn in a report with a dozen misspellings, "My orifice is too close to 586" will not be accepted as an excuse. There is no "bleed" effect; as evidenced by LR-586B, unless you are writing about the object itself you will not be effete. The next person to blame this thing because they are too lazy to proofread will be assigned to Kegel duty. Dr. █████
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1370 SCP-1370]], a rather hostile robot with grandiose appetites for destruction that is really just incapable of harming anything. To give you an idea of how incapable, a test log shows it losing against a ''potted plant''. No, not another SCP, just an ordinary potted plant.
-->If SCP-1370 encounters an object it believes to be sapient, it will attempt to engage the object in combat while introducing itself with a variety of elaborate titles which appear to be selected at random. Examples include ''Doom Bot 2000'', ''Robo Lord the Destructor'', ''Prime Minister Sinister'' and ''Darth Claw Killflex''. SCP-1370 will often include variations to these titles based on responses it receives from personnel; Foundation staff have successfully introduced ''Patheticon the Garglemost'' and ''Pester Bot'' to its lexicon.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-846 SCP-846]], a small toy robot, [[HyperspaceArsenal with hundreds of accessories hidden in its chest cavity.]] It is sentient but is quite single minded, leading to...
-->SCP-846: THIS VERSION OF ROBO-DUDE IS EQUIPPED WITH OVER A HUNDRED NEW ROBO-ACCESSORIES AND ROBO-FEATURES, INCLUDING 'VOICE ACTION', 'POWER PUNCH' AND 'ROBO-DANCE'. ROBO-DUDE WILL NOW DEMONSTRATE ROBO-DANCE.
-->Dr. ███████: No thank you, SCP-846, I'd like to -
-->(At this point, SCP-846 began a 'Robo-Dance', [[OverlyLongGag which lasted twenty-three (23) minutes.]] SCP-846 ignored all questions during this time period.)
* Not straight-up funny like most of these, but [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1025 SCP-1025]] is a glorious bit of metafictional commentary by way of RealityEnsues. At first, it looks like your typical Keter-class object with a long experiment log killing a bunch of class-Ds, which eventually degenerates into an ApocalypticLog... [[spoiler:and then someone from O5 comes along and says that absolutely no unusual pathogens were detected and all the thing actually causes is "hypochondria by proxy." He/she then wonders who thought it was a good idea wasting all this money on the SCP, cuts the research funding, stuffs the book in a locker, and reclassifies it to "Safe."]]
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-735 The insult box.]]
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-157 SCP-157]]: █████ ██████, found with extensive scalp damage after mistaking SCP-157 for a bottle of shampoo and applying some to his hair. Victim was apparently immune to SCP-157 anesthetic and began screaming, attracting the attention of his wife, who had been eating a snack. "It was the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen – he had a pastrami sandwich on his head, and it was eating HIM!"
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1570 SCP-1570 (NSFW)]] is the corpse of an old woman who, for whatever reason, projects a ghost of itself in random areas, especially where weird shit happens. In life, she was a huge fan of shock-jock moral outrage against weird people, in the vein of shows like JerrySpringer, and died watching an episode of Geraldo about men wearing women's underwear. That's not funny. What's funny is that one of the containment efforts involved SCP Agents dressing in assless chaps, as seen in the photo - she's heavily implied to be directly responsible for San Francisco, Austin, Las Vegas, and the Burning Man Festival being known hubs of weirdness, because the Foundation decided the best way to contain her was to get counterculture stuff like SF's infamous BSDM festival.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-147 SCP-147]]: As has been verified repeatedly, the presence of persons born after March 1965 does not in and of itself trigger a hostile event. For reasons still unknown, SCP-147 objects mainly to manufactured items. Dr. ████████ ████ recently conducted an experiment in which he clothed himself with vintage (pre-1965) articles of clothing, with the caveat that he had three Bic Flair pens (invented in the 1970s) in his shirt pocket. What he saw while seated in front of SCP-147, he would later describe as "a bizarre episode of ''I Love Lucy'' featuring a surprising amount of gunplay."
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-423 SCP-423]]: It's a character named Fred who moves from book to book, adding himself in the story. He is hilarious, and I hope they add to his [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/experiment-log-423-a experimentation page]] soon. The best there now is {{Ulysses}}, which he doesn't edit and says it hurt, and ''Literature/HouseOfLeaves'', which he complains was way too confusing. It's great to know even [=SCPs=] can't figure that book out.
--> '''SCP-423 (Fred)''': ''(after entering Ulysses)'' Ow, ow, bad idea.
--> '''Dr. E. Mann''': Note this as a potential punishment for SCP-423 if it misbehaves.
** And then he edited Green Eggs And Ham. His response afterwards? "That was fun."
** They also gave him access to a copy of his own test log to see what he would do...
-->''Results:'' Identical, except for the insertion of the words "ruggedly handsome" in several sections of the log.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1006 SCP-1006]] is a cluster of spiders. COMMUNIST spiders. The clincher is the following:
-->Once supplied a source of black ink and poster sheets, SCP-1006 will communicate with humans by creating signs written in English. These communications are largely centered around demands for the dismantling of western imperialism, a scathing critique of the bourgeoisie, and a request for less mosquito spraying in the surrounding area of the park.
** Makes you wonder what will happen if they ever come in contact with SCP-50-AE-J (the [[{{Eagleland}} AMERICAN!]] eagle).
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1171 SCP-1171]] is a monstrous eldritch abomination that hates humans. [[spoiler: Think less "Adolf Hitler in Cthulhu's body" and more "your white trash idiot friend who keeps complaining about black people".]]
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-931 Subject 9-3-1]]
-->is rather humorous, yes
-->and should be here, too.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1068/comments/show SCP-1068's]] product description is hilariously over the top, and it of course includes the mandatory UnreadableDisclaimer.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-109 SCP-109]] is used in hazings of new D-Class. How?
-->Addendum 109-3: "It has come to my attention that new class D personnel are often dared to empty the bottle. Guards are reminded that they are to discourage such activity, and inform them that SCP-109 is bottomless. Chanting 'Chug!' repeatedly is considered unprofessional." — Dr. Klein
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1839 SCP-1839]]. The SCP is a book that makes the reader think they are a fish. However the effect is memetic and the entry is also trying to convince you are also a fish. This is ridiculous of course, because, since you're a fish, there's no possible way you could ''read'' the SCP entry and its attempts to convince you that you're a fish. Which you are.
** The best part: the addendum at the end is credited to "Dr. U. R. A. Fish."
* They attempted to "defeat" [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-738 SCP-738]] by putting him against the Foundation's legal counsel. [[MundaneMadeAwesome It was amazing]].
--> "Come back any time. I haven't had so much fun in years!"
** On the same page, 738 negotiating with the "dyslexic and seriously mentally retarded" D-class.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1867 "... You do realize that you’re a sea slug, right?"]]
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1492 SCP-1492]], an armored car which steals valuable things by teleporting them inside itself and leaves snarky messages in their place, tries to steal a SCP item. The message left behind? [[spoiler:"what the hell is that get it off oh shit oh shit take it back"]]
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1247 SCP-1247]], albeit in a very darkly humorous way. A man who, after watching the movie ''Holes'', perceives any animal as looking exactly like Shia [=LaBeouf=]. In the buff. The clincher, though, is the punchline.
--> SCP-1247's copy of 'Holes' has been recovered. Testing has determined no anomalous effects. [[{{Understatement}} SCP-1247 has expressed]] [[CaptainObvious disinterest in a second viewing]].
* SCP-076 winds up [[spoiler: leading a task force code-named Omega]]. Unfortunately...
--> Able's getting bored, and he's started putting his team through live fire exercises: they get bullets, he gets training weapons. Have you ever seen someone break a man's jaw [[RefugeInAudacity using a Nerf sword]]? He's not gonna stop until someone gets killed.
** Able and his task force got assigned to a mission. Someone objected, but was ignored and the mission was conducted anyway. He responded again, attaching ''hello.jpg''[[note]]The infamous memetic "goatse" image, though a text placeholder is used here in place of the actual image itself[[/note]] to his response. Poor guy was not only completely disregarded, he got reassigned to SCP-682 duty[[note]]However, he's the one who wrote that note on the top of 076's article, so he's alive and well[[/note]].
---> Subject: I hope you're fucking proud of yourself, motherfucker.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/document-451-a SCP-451's Journal]] should be sad. But keep in mind that people still see him as normal, then imagine how the situation would look like from bystanders' points of view - it becomes FridgeBrilliance humor. Especially the 6/17 entry, when he stops wearing clothes and walks around Site-19, naked, with only sneakers. Oh, and [[RunningGag whenever he wants something, he will steal it from his old friend's room.]]
* The [[http://scpclassic.wikidot.com/scp-323 old version]] of [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-323 SCP-323]], an otherwise bad object that got replaced, has containment procedures containing possibly the greatest sentence ever written.
--> "The room must be shaved daily."
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-152 SCP-152]] is a huge, constantly changing book that describes numerous different ways humanity could go extinct. Apparently half the entries in the last fifty or so pages are devoted to many ways the [[EpicFail Foundation screws up and accidentally destroys the universe]]. One Foundation staff member suggests making SCP-152 required reading material in order to keep newbies from inadvertently wiping out all life.
* [[http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-572 SCP-572]], which is a parody of ignorant wannabes who obsess over the "quality" of cheap, impractical swords.
* Normally, Containment Procedures are there to heighten the dread of an object's effects. [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-677 SCP-677's]] Containment Procedures do something similar, but to a slightly different effect...
--> SCP-677 is currently in the vicinity of Saturn’s orbit.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1541 SCP-1541]], which can basically be summed up as a long-forgotten deity who harasses the descendents of his followers. Via text messages. While drunk. The message log between SCP-1541 and a woman he constantly pesters to worship him has to be seen to be believed.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1296 SCP-1296]]. It's funny enough that there's a "deliver-a-llama" SCP, but the real hilarity comes when they asked it for [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1545 SCP-1545]], ''Larry the Loving Llama, a two-person llama suit wearing galoshes.''
-->"Just fucking take it!"
** Also, one order results in the delivery of a lama... as in, a Buddhist holy man, who has no idea how the hell he got there.
** [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6unpIYFoheE Perhaps this is their theme song?]]
* [[spoiler: [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1442 SCP-1442]]]] is a [[spoiler: sentient corporation]] that tries to flirt with one of the Foundation's fronts.
-->[[spoiler: i'm est. 1984/$324 per share/Boston HQ you?]]
** The humor is in the buildup, in this case. The article starts with an undercover infiltration, making sure no one is aware about the SCP itself being sentient. You read about how it seems to be subtly manipulating people in order to send its messages, as well as think properly, and how it constantly makes attempts to communicate. And then you read the messages, expecting a powerful, possibly malevolent entity, and [[spoiler:the messages are less "threats and ill omens" and more "chatroom flirting"]].
* The SCP-001 proposal "[[http://www.scp-wiki.net/roget-s-proposal Keter Duty]]" involves [[spoiler: Keter-class objects being made to contain each other.]] The last pair of items is none other than [[NothingIsScarier SCP-055 and SCP-579]]. The description? [[spoiler: "Can't fit round pegs into square holes."]]
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1459 SCP-1459]], especially the last four tests with the Maintenance Technician. Hope you don't like puppies!
** Even if you do like puppies, the myriad ways 1459 kills them are so utterly absurd, you can't help but laugh. Killed by "The Judicial System"? Numerous puppies, one of them dressed in the stereotypical judge's robe and wig, and another dressed in a police uniform (presumably the bailiff), the rest sitting on a bench. The initial dog is "sentenced" to death and hung. The others were killed the same way shortly after. Killed by "civil war"? A man dressed in a Confederate uniform from circa 1863 (so, the American Civil War) walks out and kills the puppy. Killed by "BATMAN!" A stone bust of him falls out of the ceiling and crushes the puppy. Plead for the puppy's life by crying ''"Please, no kill dog!"''? 1479 ''literally'' [[PetTheDog pets the dog]]... and then pulls out a kitten and kills ''that'' instead.
-->[[http://www.scp-wiki.net/forum/t-730164/scp-1459-extended-testing-log#post-2209368 This is a collaborative experiment log for a machine that kills puppies. It has exactly one downvote. There is something seriously wrong with us as a community.]]
** Then there's the [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1459-extended-testing-log extended testing log]]. Including "assassination", in which the puppy is dressed like UsefulNotes/AbrahamLincoln before [[RasputinianDeath being poisoned, beaten, stabbed, and shot]] - the last of which [[WhoShotJFK produces two bullet holes even though only one was fired.]]
** Choosing "dog fighting" results in the two puppies being placed in miniature World War I biplanes and made to perform an aerial battle.
** One researcher made the mistake of choosing "Surprise me." [[spoiler: The machine waited 20 minutes until the doctor got closer, then delivered a massive screamer-style shock of loud sounds and scary images that gave him a heart attack and killed the dog from shock. It then dispensed aspirin.]]
** The machine is also flexible enough for different interpretations of its commands. For instance, "Supernova" resulted in the puppy being beaten to death by various Supernova-model implements. "Poker" introduced several other puppies playing poker, and the losers being killed by a fireplace poker. "Titanium" resulted in a puppy being killed by a CD single for the ''song'' "[[Music/DavidGuetta Titanium]]".
** The request "Crushed by a triceratops ridden by Ayn Rand shouting quotes from Atlas Shrugged, Also Sprach Zarathustra and The Critique of Pure Reason." [[StrangeMindsThinkAlike had already been used]].
** Somehow, Dr. Callagher's "request" (which consisted of him screaming nonstop for the entire 15-seconds period where you're allowed to make your request) was accepted, and resulted into the puppy being bludgeoned to death by a miniaturized clone of Dr. Callagher who ''also'' screamed nonstop for the entire duration. The resulting cookie contained "toxic amounts of capsaicin".
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-555 SCP-555]] draws dead matter to it, with its radius of effect growing as more is attracted. Now, in general the containment procedures leave out instructions not to do obviously stupid things, but [[RunningGag since it involves dead bodies...]]
--> SCP-555 is never to be stored in the same site as SCP-447.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1472 SCP-1472]]. Velociraptors in {{Meido}} costumes are involved. The entire thing is just so bizarrely hilarious.
* This bit from the second test log for [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1759 SCP-1759]].
-->'''[Sniffling sounds from rear cabin]'''
-->'''Dr. Silver''': … D-0215, is that you?
-->'''D-0215''': Uh… no. [[SandInMyEyes That was the wind.]]
** It's even funnier because 1759's anomalous effect only affects those who make contact with the art on the side of the plane. D-0215 did not.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1746 SCP-1746]]. Think of it as the anti-SCP-231-7: Like 231-7, there is a ritual to be performed for containing it which is not detailed in the report. Unlike 231-7, the lack of details makes it ''hilarious''.
--> [Cause of Containment Breach]: [[NoodleIncident Squirrel 2 failed to carry the frozen dairy confection to its designated mark before consuming it.]]
* The EasterEgg relating to [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2999 SCP-2999]]'s first image reveals that one of the formerly blacked-out icons on its toolbar is [[spoiler: ''VideoGame/YumeNikki'']].
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1722 SCP-1722]] is a crudely decorated stick that, when brought near any written or recorded document, infests said document(s) with commentary from a grumpy old man. Some of the more hysterical testing logs:
-->'''On a sappy romance novel:''' AND THEN THEY FUCKED AND GOOD GOD [[PurpleProse THIS PROSE IS PURPLE]]. '''(written in block capitals, one letter per page)'''\\
'''Theatre/{{Hamlet}}'s soliloquy in Act 1, Scene 2:''' GODDAMMIT SHUT UP.\\
Singing along (badly) to Music/{{Bob Dylan}}'s "Like a Rolling Stone"\\
'''On its own testing logs:''' Oh look, it’s a guy with a stick. Wonderful, wonderful. Another guy walks in, “Hey Bob, how’s it going?” “Oh, you know, just holding this stick here.” “Oh really that sounds interesting! Here, hold this book.” “Gee wiz, Frank, now I’m holding both a stick and a book and aaaaaaaaaaaargh do something already!\\
'''On the writings of an 18th century member of British parliament:''' Look, now, you’re on the right track here, but just think about what you’re saying. Stomping down on the colonists is just going to get ugly for all parties involved. Best option would be to keep them as a semi-autonomous district, with a locally elected official serving as regional governor, accompanied by a second position who serves as representative in parliament. [[SophisticatedAsHell Also, knock it off with those curly fs. They’re annoying as shit to read.]]\\
'''On a fan fiction:''' This is the fifth apostrophe I’ve had to place in THIS FUCKING PARAGRAPH. You know what? [[RageQuit Fuck it. I’m not reading this anymore.]] [The remaining 71 pages are unedited.]
* While much of [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-993 SCP-993]], a kids' show that blanks out the minds of adult viewers while programming children into psychopaths, is pure nightmare fuel, including the episode logs, the final two episodes detailed are darkly humorous. The next to last is titled 'Bobble The Clown Hates You', and is just the titular clown staring angrily at the screen for half an hour, possibly in response to when the SCP Foundation began blocking the transmission of the episodes. The last is given the title '[EXPLETIVE] YOU [EXPLETIVE] YOU [EXPLETIVE] YOU', and it is directed right at the SCP Foundation. Apparently, 'Bobble The Clown' is not pleased by the fact that the SCP Foundation has succeeded in blocking his transmissions.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2662 SCP-2662]] is essentially an EldritchAbomination who happens to be a fairly decent guy... who just so happens to spawn cults dedicated to freeing him and worshiping him in extremely profane and disgusting ways. This form of worship [[{{Squick}} squicks him out, big time.]] He's not so much contained as ''voluntarily'' staying, so that he can minimize his contact with the outside world and keep these things to a minimum. What primarily makes this funny is his reactions, which, in spite of being an EldritchAbomination, [[NotSoDifferent are identical to that of an average human being in the same situation.]]
** To summarize, the article's title is "Cthulhu f''''UCK OFF!'''".
** The third log also implies some hysterical things. The first being that SCP-2662 is evidently just out of its 'teen' years and is 'barely legal', 'only' two-hundred years old. The second being that the 'barely legal' comment implies that wherever it comes from, Eldritch Abominations have to be a minimum legal age before they are allowed to have a cult, and finally that getting a cult is its equivalent of getting married.
** Then there's a tale where 2662 and the above mentioned 1171 [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/skeeve-online meet in an online game]]. Complete with nude pictures!
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2875 SCP-2875]] describes a small town in Wisconsin that becomes overrun by bears every three or so days. Some audio from a cell phone found by personnel details a possible origin for this phenomenon. The audio details the town mayor Tom Miller apparently calling up someone to send bears into the wildlife around town to get rid of the town's coyote problem, leaving his phone number for the exterminator at the end of each call. By the last call, the town has become overrun by bears. As a panicking Tom calls one last time, he is attacked by a bear himself. What makes the call funny is that while he is being mauled '''[[TooDumbToLive he still has the nerve to leave his phone number for the exterminator before the call ends]]'''.
** The name of the entry deserves special mention as well: [[EverythingsWorseWithBears "The Town That Got Fucked By Bears".]]
* After the invasion iteration for [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2998 SCP-2998]] begins, the Foundation is doing their usual shtick of enacting all the global panic plans and preparing to combat the invaders. The hilarity comes with the juxtaposition of the next iteration, [[spoiler: where the Foundation has instantly failed to stop the invaders, Earth is an alien-dominated wasteland, and the only intact part of the Foundation has undergone a theocratic coup. These theocrats spend the entire entry condemning the Foundation for heresy, worshiping the Overseers, and spouting hatred for aliens. Then, in the iteration after ''that'', the theocrats have been wiped out and the aliens have their hands full trying to stop all the [=SCPs=] they inadvertently released. ("[[YouKillItYouBoughtIt I think they've accidentally adopted an entire planet full of anomalies that they'll have to take care of now.]] I can't help but think that's pretty damn funny.") How are things solved? Surviving agents [[GodzillaThreshold set off a dual breach of]] [=SCPs=] [[YouCannotGraspTheTrueForm 055]] and [[NothingIsScarier 579]], resulting in a ResetButton.]]
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2305 SCP-2305]] is a leaflet that outlines possible neutralization techniques for Euclid and Keter [=SCPs=], how harmful the aftermath of these techniques would be, and "the moral of the story". The [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2305-collab extended documentation]] includes one for [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2123 2123]], the aftermath of which is [[SerialEscalation an absolutely ridiculous chain reaction of SCP effects that would ultimately]] ''[[ApocalypseWow destroy the entire universe]]''. What makes this one funny is the moral:
-->'''"The moral of the story":''' Everybody hates you. ''Everybody''.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2337 SCP-2337]], AKA "Dr. Spanko", a talking bird with a bizarre speech pattern that takes having NoIndoorVoice to comically absurd levels.
-->''Upon containment, SCP-2337 appeared to take hostile action against Foundation personnel, emitting blasts of noise that ruptured the eardrums of 3 agents. Upon later examination, it was revealed that SCP-2337 was attempting to make friendly conversation.''
** The following phrase during Dr. Spanko's interview:
-->'''Dr. ██████:''' Please discontinue yodeling.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2128 SCP-2128]], a furnace that only burns humans that lie while inside it, isn't humorous at first, but the last experiment log definitely is for those who enjoy BlackComedy.
-->'''D-9224:''' Golden retrievers are cute. '''FALSE'''
-->''[D-9224 is incinerated]''
-->'''D-9225:''' Golden retrievers are ugly. '''FALSE'''
-->''[D-9225 is incinerated]''
-->'''D-9226:''' Golden retrievers are tasty. '''TRUE''' Wait, what? That's fuckin' nasty. '''FALSE'''
-->''[D-9226 is incinerated]''
** Even better is when one D-Class rattles off a string of completely accurate statements that indicate that the SCP in question is alive, sentient, and hungry. The next D-Class who is put in gives a statement that allows for just a tiny bit of potential falsehood or misunderstanding. He is burned in a particularly agonizing fashion. This is one SCP that doesn't appreciate being trolled.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2928 SCP-2928]] are [[GratuitousNinja ninjas]]. In the past, they were effectively invisible due to using a PerceptionFilter based on what people thought Ninjas were supposed to be like, but it's implied that the sudden popularity of {{Manga/Naruto}} caused people to expect HighlyVisibleNinja instead. Even more hilarious? The interview log implies that the Franchise/TeenageMutantNinjaTurtles are real.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2702 SCP-2702]], Professor Abnormal's Science Lab. What if Series/BillNyeTheScienceGuy knew too much about The Foundation? The MadScientist on the page image makes it even funnier.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2741 SCP-2741]] is a box that laughs manically when you stick your hands in it, and proclaims “YES… YES!! MY TASK IS COMPLETE. YOU HAVE BECOME… SINISTER!!”. [[spoiler:All it does is make you left-handed, i.e. [[StealthPun "Sinister"]]. And it broke when an ambidextrous person used it.]]
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2270 SCP-2270]] is about a guy who spent $75,000 for a series of texts with extremely intricate and complicated explanations of rituals and incantations to call down the wrath of Nergal, Mesopotamian god of war and the Sun, upon an enemy, with the summoning itself requiring a blood sacrifice, and the price for the summoner being eternal enslavement to Nergal's furnace in the Sun upon death. The guy's target? [[spoiler:[[DisproportionateRetribution His annoying neighbor.]]]]
** Even better, the ritual is described as being incredibly difficult to execute properly (such as reciting a 400-page incantation without ever misspeaking), and messing it up results in the summoner becoming the target of Nergal's rage instead. So what ends up happening to the summoner? [[spoiler: He successfully completes the ritual, celebrates by drinking a lot of beer, and dies when he subsequently crashes his car into a tree.]]
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2513 SCP 2513]] is, on paper, a bridge that makes you utterly despise Carthage, or anything and anyone that now lives where Carthage used to be. In practice, the levels of sheer ''hate'' produced, and the fact that it can be reversed if you cross the bridge north to south, combine to make it hilarious.
** ''"I'll fucking kill you, you fucking backstabbing elephant-riding son of a bitch!"''. Made better by the fact the D-class in question crossed the bridge with full intent to kill, which ''visibly deflated'' as he reached the end of it until he was mostly just confused at the end of it.
** "Sir, I wanted us to ''nuke'' Carthage".
** Lengthier experiments lead to an elderly SCP official getting into flamewars with people who played Carthage in an unspecified RTS while dedicating their time to playing one CurbStompBattle after another against it in another one. And vandalizing articles about Carthage in every wiki he could find.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2206 SCP-2206]], a radio broadcast from an alternate universe where baseball is a BloodSport with CalvinBall tendencies. Even better are the UsefulNotes/MLBTeams analogues, combining puns (the Minnesota Twins are the Minnesota Clones, consisting only of genetic replicas), in-jokes (the Detroit Tigers are the Detroit [[UsefulNotes/UniversityOfMichigan Wolverines]], where "[[Comicbook/{{Wolverine}} members of the team appear to be immortal.]]"), and plain absurdity (the Montreal Expos never left, and [[VolcanoLair play in the active crater of]] [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mount_Royal Mount Royal]]). The [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/walk-in-the-park related tale]] is funny too.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1781 SCP-1781]], a theater where every movie features Creator/HugoWeaving, even if as Professor X's chair in ''Film/XMen''. [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/hugo-hijinks The "making of" is equally amusing.]]
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1972 SCP-1972]], an officer of the law and the criminal they're chasing. Saying any more would ruin the surprise.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2835 SCP-2835]] is a lost episode of The Adventures of Paddy the Pelican, an infamously bad cartoon series by Sam Singer. When the tape is put in a VCR, the titular character will interact with the viewer through the TV, prodding for feedback on his cartoon. He usually responds to criticism by [[BerserkButton going into incoherent and vulgar rants]] and then threatening them by telling them where their family lives. After all, [[MadnessMantra "reap what you sow."]]
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2221 SCP-2221]] is a MagicallyBindingContract hidden in the Terms of Service of various websites, causing those that agree to them to turn into hyper-religious, noose-obsessed extremists. After a successful containment of a large population of people affected by the anomaly, the Foundation finds that it has edited its own fine print:
---> Recently discovered instances of SCP-2221 have an addition to Clause 217: "By reading this clause, members of any organizations listed in Appendix K.iv agree to go fuck themselves." The SCP Foundation was one of the organizations listed, along with the Federal Bureau of Investigation, the Republic of Letters, and several other groups of interest and governmental organizations.
** The entry continues to explain that personnel who read the clause have *not* shown any anomalous effects, including [[ScrewYourself literal]] [[ADateWithRosiePalms ones]].
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-507 SCP-507]], a man subject to RandomTransportation, is subject to [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/document-507-3b mostly scary alternate worlds]]. Still, there are at least two post-retrieval requests ("Food and water 'that doesn't taste like sand.' Granted." and "One camera; subject stated 'the view was breathtaking'. Denied.") and this dialogue in what appears to be a prison world:
-->The prisoner then pleaded with the subject to release him from his cell. Subject [SCP-507], jokingly, replied that he would free the prisoner if he promised not to stab the subject upon release. There was roughly a seven second pause before the prisoner asked what “stabbing” was. After a moment of deliberation, the subject defined stabbing as “The creation of a new orifice through the use of a pointed object.” Another pause followed. The prisoner eventually affirmed that he could not stab the subject, [[FalseReassurance because all of his objects were “very blunt.”]]
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2416 SCP-2416]] is TooDumbToLive personified. Each iteration of his death is pretty ridiculous, but there are a few that really take the cake.
-->'''SCP-2416-3:''' Overconsumption of pepper sauce. Witnesses report that SCP-2416-3 was attempting to become "the spiciest".
-->'''SCP-2416-8:''' [[NoodleIncident [REDACTED]]] The badgers suffered only minor injuries.
-->'''SCP-2416-18:''' Climbed into Site-59 incinerator. Was looking for a bathroom.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2570 SCP-2570]], where an attempt to revive Adam "MCA" Yauch goes wrong because the ones doing the ritual played Music/TheBeachBoys instead of Music/BeastieBoys. And the resulting anomaly shows an aversion to Music/KanyeWest!
* Showing the Church of the Broken God can get weird, [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2360 SCP-2360]] are teenagers who became integrated to their Xbox 360 consoles, run on a liquid mixture of Mountain Dew and Doritos, and do nothing but play ''VideoGame/ModernWarfare'' ("It's how we're gonna transcend. Like… meditation. Except epic. Every point we score, we get closer. Every match we win, that's a step away from meatspace. We are the most pro that there has ever been. The aimbot is within us. And we will reach heaven with no-scopes.").
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2902 SCP-2902]] are both capable of having their skeletons exit their bodies without any harm. They have a rather tragic backstory, which they tell us... in the form of a duet mimicking their routine at Hermann-Fuller's Circus of the Disquieting. One of them is a cat. You can just feel the researcher trying not to burst out laughing as they do this.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1160 SCP-1160]], an invincible spectral bird whose size and aggression inversely correlates to the number of people aware of its existence. At the time of discovery, [[GiantFlyer it measured 85 meters tall]] -- almost 280 feet! It quickly became clear to the Foundation that successfully containing 1160 meant spreading awareness of it as widely as possible. So they turned it into a breakfast cereal mascot. Currently, 1160 measures only 25 centimeters tall, and any dip in the market value of Super Coco Pows cereal is considered a major security risk.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2325 SCP-2325]], a peaked cap and several accompanying security headsets. If somebody tries to shoot someone wearing the cap, anyone wearing the headset will be forced to [[TakingTheBullet take the bullet]]. ''No matter what.'' The testing logs, as the Foundation tries to determine the limits of 2325's power, are an escalating series of BlackComedy moments.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2941 SCP-2941]] has some of the most [[KafkaKomedy hilariously mean]] containment procedures on the site. The Foundation has to make a bunch of adorable fruit people miserable or else they'll grow out of control, so they have to do things like call a melon a "hideous cube" and finger-flick a peach repeatedly while counting how many times they were able to do so. [[spoiler: A D-Class ruins things by calling SCP-2941-3 "some nice round melons", which leads to the instantaneous death of him and several other people when the melon suddenly grows ridiculously huge.]]
* From the Spanish side, [[http://lafundacionscp.wikidot.com/scp-es-061 SCP-ES-061 the Alternative VHS Player]] is quite funny when it isn't made to reproduce alternate history:
** Many of the article tests are related to Franchise/StarWars: the pic of the article is a pic of Creator/KurtRussell as Han Solo supposedly screencapped from one test; playing a tape of Film/TheEmpireStrikesBack shows Carl Weathers as Lando Calrissian and Billy Dee Wiliams as Han Solo, with no sign of romance between the latter character and Princess Leia; and one testing of Film/ANewHope shows a movie with a remarkable similarity to Creator/GeorgeLucas' original draft (the one with Luke Starkiller rescuing Princess Amidala and Han Solo being a bat-headed being), with the villain being played by Creator/VincentPrice of all people. Still, the doctor doing the test finds the latter film "better than the prequels anyway". And in the [[http://lafundacionscp.wikidot.com/archivo-061-b extended experiments]], when another viewing of Episode IV brought a version where the only real change was that it now starred the 16-year old {{Gender Flip}}ped version of Luke (who then developed romantic tension with Han Solo), the doctor in charge could only comment "Suddenly [[Film/TheForceAwakens Episode VII]] now feels even less original"
** A 1969 episode of Series/DoctorWho becomes a 1972 episode of JustForFun/InspectorSpacetime.
** Experimenting with porn tapes doesn't bring any change on them... except with the last one tested, where what was supposed to be a film starring three Caucasian men and an Asian woman becomes a "she-male" tape.
*** The complaints by the reborn Christian investigator and his final RageQuit.
*** For added fun, note the initials and last name of the investigator that approves the experimentation tests, including the one with porn tapes.[[spoiler: It refers to famous Japanese porn actress Maria Ozawa. In the words of one forumgoer "Foundation personnel does have very interesting cover jobs"]]
** Now the article has a [[http://lafundacionscp.wikidot.com/archivo-061-b experiments list]]. Highlights include the knowledge that in another universe HBO would have chosen ''Literature/TheBlackCompany'' instead of ''Literature/ASongOfIceAndFire'' for a prime time fantasy drama, the idea of a gender flipped and middle aged Franchise/JamesBond, and a very awful DirectToVideo Bolivian film having absolutely no change when reproduced.
* The Japanese site has [[http://ja.scp-wiki.net/scp-242-jp SCP-242-JP]], a piggy bank that treats itself as some sort of online course. It's something of a TakeThat to websites like that, forcing readers to repeatedly pay for the "premium course" to continue reading the article. The prices start off at 500 yen (approximately $5) per passage, and the price keeps going up to the point where the last ''sentence'' costs a total of '''twelve thousand dollars''' to display.
** And the very best part? The most expensive part in the entire article, the one that costs ten thousand US dollars? [[spoiler:It's a single character.]]
[[/folder]]

to:

\n[[folder:[=SCP=] [[index]]
* [[Funny/SCPFoundationSCPEntries SCP
Entries]]
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2115 SCP-2115]] is a dating site that lets you meet extradimensional aliens. On the questionnaire you fill out to make an account, questions include "Number of poisonous body parts", "types of extremities", and this gem:
--> "(click »here« for a description of the difference between a pet and a slave)"
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-445 SCP-445]]
-->'''Folded Into:''' A paper boat/hat - When placed in water, became self-propelling at speeds of up to 60 km/h. When inverted and placed on head, subject's physical attractiveness was greatly increased in the eyes of viewers. When both were performed simultaneously, both effects were achieved, with subject reported as looking 'dead sexy' while scooting around the water upside-down.\\
'''Folded Into:''' Origami copy of SCP-682 - Animated halfway through folding process, causing Dr. G considerable injury. Testing session ended.
--->''Notes: Let's not try that again. - Dr. G''
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-504 SCP-504]], a series of [[ProducePelting tomatoes that attack anyone or anything]] that tells bad jokes in its proximity.
** "Those tomato slices are like fucking shuriken."
** The TakeThat in the test notes.
--->'''Item''': One mature SCP-504 tomato\\
'''Subject''': CD player playing "Harmful If Swallowed" (2003, Dane Cook)\\
'''Result''': At [REDACTED], tomato clocked 167 mph. CD player destroyed.
** And this
--->'''Item''': One mature SCP-504 tomato\\
'''Subject''': Television playing the SNL Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton skit.\\
'''Result''': Tomato reacted as if 'confused': slow-motion video shows three separate bursts of speeds in excess of 200mph, two incidences of motion at normal throwing speeds, and one unprecedented instance of backward motion, all in the one trajectory. Dr. King hypothesises that the tomato was unsure whether or not to 'take it seriously'.
** 504's reaction to exposure to [[Series/MontyPythonsFlyingCircus The Funniest
[[Funny/SCPFoundationJokeSCPEntries Joke In The World:]]
--->'''Item:''' One mature SCP-504 tomato\\
'''Subject:''' A portable computer playing a partial audio recording of the Monty Python sketch "The Funniest Joke in the World".\\
'''Transcript:''' "Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!"\\
'''Result:''' [[StuffBlowingUp Tomato explodes.]] Debris clocked at 137 mph. Computer heavily coated by debris. Keyboard ruined by exposure to liquid matter -- all other components proved functional after cleanup.

--->'''Item:''' One mature SCP-504 tomato\\
'''Subject:''' A portable computer playing a pre-recorded engineering joke.\\
'''Transcript:''' "2009 is going to be a complex year. We already know the real part; we still have to find the imaginary part".\\
'''Result:''' [[ThereIsNoKillLikeOverKill Supersonic blast detected;]] [[FlatWhat computer was completely vaporized by the tomato's kinetic energy. Sensor readings indicate an approximate speed of 3500 km/h (2174 mph).]]
** One test subject told a deliberately terrible, ill-paced joke. He was promptly killed by a tomato that broke the sound barrier.

* Also, the [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/experiment-log-914 test log]] for SCP-914.
--->"Yes, I've been playing chess with 914. Yes, I'm aware it's supposed to be non-sentient, but that hardly explains why it's winning." [[note]]The observant chess players among you might notice that 914's opening two moves is a clear attempt to play a Scholar's Mate.[[/note]]
**
--->'''Input''': 1x IRS Form 1040 (blank)\\
'''Setting''': Fine\\
'''Output''': 1x IRS Form 1040, with all blank space including margins and backs of pages filled with imprecations against the IRS and taxation in general in the following languages [in order of quantity of text, from greatest to least]: Basque, Quenya [see below], Sumerian, Cherokee, an unidentifiable language with a writing system composed of curved symbols, Classical Chinese, English (from the curses used, apparently c. 1650-1750). After long study of the unidentifiable symbols Dr. █████ could identify no commonality with any of the other languages present on the form. The Sumerian contained three words unattested from any known text. The Quenya had its cursing of the IRS interspersed with vituperation of someone or something called "[[Literature/TheSilmarillion Morgoth]]".
** An anachronistic IRS 1040 form filled out by Augustus Caesar.
**
--->'''Input''': 1 (one) ██████ brand 'Super-Duper Bouncy Ball'\\
'''Setting''': Very Fine\\
'''Output''': One ball, that appears unchanged from the input. There is however, a difference in its [REDACTED] properties, exhibited when dropped by Dr Brown. [REDACTED] forty five casualties, twelve injuries [DATA EXPUNGED] forty-five casualties, and reached escape velocity. Currently thought to be orbiting Mars.
** Fun with alcohol.
--->''Name'': Agent Smithers\\
Date: 8/19/████\\
Total Items: Two (2) bottles of mass-produced supermarket beer and two (2) bottles of microbrewed, hand-crafted beer.\\
\\
'''Input''': One (1) bottle of high-quality beer.\\
'''Setting''': Very fine.\\
'''Output''': A small glass orb filled with a glowing gas. Mass is identical to the beer bottle. Later testing revealed that physical contact with the orb produces an inspirational effect on the subject. D-8742, upon contact with the object, requested a sheet of paper, which he folded into a paper [DATA EXPUNGED].\\
''Update: It's been five months since D-8742's termination, and that thing is still in the air. Possible
SCP classification?''
* Also, [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/experiment-log-447-a Experiment Log 447-A]].
-->''"What is WITH you people?" - Dr. A. Clef''
** One log details a terminated attempt to test SCP-447-2 with a dead body. The next log? SCP-447-2 is tested on [[spoiler:Dr. Clef. Clef]] "threatened to kill staff members carrying out the experiment if it were not for the fact that doing so would violate experimental protocol". Or rather, he wants everyone involved in this dead and was fully willing to kill them right there and then... if that wouldn't put the SCP in contact with dead bodies. He has to wait until he's been fully cleaned of the stuff to retaliate.
** It's pretty funny how they always mention minty freshness...
** Able tries a drink based on 447-2, noting its "refreshing" flavor. But when he's told of the effects of 447-2 he just backs out and loses interest. Yes, [[EvenEvilHasStandards even a psychopathic killing machine]] is afraid of [[NoodleIncident what will happen when 447-2 meets a dead body]].
** At one point, the lab runs samples of 447-2 through SCP-914. The final one involves putting a sample of SCP-447-2 into the machine at the [[EquivalentExchange 1:1]] setting. The output is... [[RunningGag a dead body]].
--->''Further cross-testing of SCP-447-2 with SCP-914 has been enjoined by order of O5-[REDACTED].''
** One researcher uses SCP-447-2 as a sexual lubricant, and states that the test "went ''really'' well". He then comments that SCP-447-2 could be marketed as such - unfortunately, he doesn't think they could stop necrophiliacs from using it.
* "SCP personnel below Level 3 are now banned from handling [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-500 SCP-500]]. This is not to be used to cure a hangover. [[GallowsHumor Get AIDS]] and then ask permission."
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-705 SCP-705]].
-->''In less than an hour, SCP-705 had taken control of the Mr. Coffee machine, declaring independence and control over the region. The assault was routed when Dr. Rights brushed them away from the burner, resulting in massive casualties and a complete rout. Interviews with SCP-705 remark on this day with great fear and resentment.''
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/experiment-log-261-ad-de The list of food items procured from SCP-261, a magic vending machine.]]
** When it dispenses a six-inch long caramel figurine of SCP-682, the local NighInvulnerable, regenerating badass monster... that proceeded to [[Film/{{Spaceballs}} "... do an apparent barbershop routine, dancing with a suddenly materializing cane and hat upon the counter. Music came from an unidentified source and resembled a standard barbershop routine, but those present were unable to place the singers."]]
*** Really, any time something silly happens to 682, or a depiction thereof. In [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-978-extended-test-logs SCP-978's test log]], the picture of SCP-053 shows 682 ''in a floral dress, with a red hair-bow and bright pink nail polish'', which is, of course, a hilarious mental image, no matter HOW you envision 682.
** '''[[TestosteronePoisoning X-Treme Chips]]''': Fed chips to D-Class 24045-06, whose voice immediately grew deeper and requested this agent join him in extreme sport activities such as surfboarding, mountain climbing, and bungee jumping. Request was denied.
** "Snapple" - A seemingly normal Granny Smith, with a small, hand-written tag attached to the stem. Further examination revealed the center to be [[GeniusBonus composed of]] [[StealthPun solid tin.]]
** The money used on the machine also decides what it'll spit out:
--->'''Money entered''': 1 counterfeit 500 yen coin (minted on site, otherwise identical to authentic article), accepted by SCP-261\\
'''SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered''': Powered\\
'''Item description''': After a delay of approximately 3 seconds, an unmarked, opaque white cellophane package was dispensed. Package contained candies similar to "Gummi Bears," but [[FlippingTheBird shaped like human hands with extended middle fingers]]. [[OhCrap Item was interpreted as a threat and not consumed]]. Testing revealed [[CyanidePill candy contained lethal amounts of potassium cyanide]].
*** When the Foundation slipped in a note reading "I.O.U. 500 ¥", SCP-261 dispensed an opened bag of Smartfood brand White Cheddar popcorn, containing only crumbs of said popcorn and a note reading "I.O.U. 41 popcorn kernels". This seems to prove that not only does SCP-261 have some form of sentience, it also has a sense of humor! Later, when they inserted 500 yen, the machine dispensed the promised 41 popcorn kernels, without any package.
*** And finally, they drilled a hole through a 100 ¥ coin, tied a string to it, and yanked it out of SCP-261. The first few tests yielded edible food that later caused subjects to [[LaserGuidedKarma vomit up the food in question]]. After several similar tests, it produced for the testers a live grenade. The Foundation declared a moratorium on all further attempts to mess with SCP-261's coin delivery system.
** The machine seems to take personal offense to pressing the coin return button; the second time they tried it, it spat out a red soda can that was humming loudly (a large insect was inside it) with the phrase [[AC:"Stop that."]] on it.
** Doctor King can get nothing from SCP-261 but [[RunningGag apple seeds,]] one for each yen put into the machine. Other researchers after him tried to use the machine that same day, but also got apple seeds and promptly blamed him for "breaking" the machine.
** "Mr. Q's Cumbersome Soda Bottle", a ShoutOut to [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ramune Ramune]] bottles. It took ''an hour'' for the researcher to figure out how to drink it properly.
** "Mr. Mercer's amazing condiment", a food additive that makes everything taste delicious, and we do mean ''everything,'' including wood, stone, sand, rotten meat. However, it does not change the composition of the object it is applied to.
** A penis made of chocolate. Filled with liquid white chocolate.
--> Edible. Testing concluded.
** Someone had the bright idea to try the coin-on-a-string trick again, with one Dr. Yatts, who was present the last time this was attempted, described as seeming [[ThisIsGonnaSuck very nervous]]. Sure enough, 261 dropped another grenade, [[MassOhCrap which prompted everyone in the vicinity to dive for cover]]... at which point the grenade exploded into a shower of confetti with a noisemaker sound, filling the room with the taste of peppermint.
--> ''I'm not gonna lie; [[BringMyBrownPants I [EXPLETIVE] myself.]] I'm not coming in this room anymore if we're playing coin tricks with this thing!\\
-- A very nervous Dr. Yatts''
** A can of "Blueberry Yoo-Hoo", which yelled "Yoo-hoo!" in a high-pitched voice when opened. The experiment log speaks for itself:
--> ''D-3489 ingested beverage without incident, but experienced [[{{Gasshole}} an increased rate of flatulence for three hours]] after consuming drink; [[ToiletHumor each flatus repeating the phrase "Yoo-hoo!"]]''
** Three strips of bacon which force the eater to speak in PigLatin.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-606 SCP-606]], while otherwise silent, suddenly became... talkative:
--> ''God dammit, which one of you [REDACTED] gave it 2 MB of porn? It's already being considered for Keter, now we can't get it to shut up about [DATA EXPUNGED].''
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-539 SCP-539]] Test 539-1:
--> "Security personnel ordered to line up all with clear lines of sight on tester, with instructions to not break eye contact with tester under any circumstances. When the disc was thrown, the security personnel experienced a "sudden wardrobe existence failure", causing all of them to lose eye contact with the tester, being more concerned with the loss of clothing and the issue of the climate being rather uncomfortable to a nude security guard."
* A test log of [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-978 SCP-978]], a camera that produces photographs of what the subject really wants to be doing:
-->Subject: Kitten (stray lab animal)\\
Photographs Activity: Being held for the picture by Dr. █████\\
Photo Result: [DATA EXPUNGED] - I would NEVER do that to a kitten! -Dr. █████
** [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-890 SCP-890]], the doctor who can operate on machines, is shown with the camera on his desk, rolling his eyes and gesturing for it to get out.
--->''When shown the photograph, SCP-890 stated that although it would never actually "be that rude to a patient", it has "no time for hypochondriacs".''
* The entry for [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-756 SCP-756]], a [[CityInABottle miniature solar system]]:
--> '''Planet III:''' mostly ocean dotted with islands of varying biome, presently inhabited by a sentient species of nomadic reptilians, with a religion based on ocean tides and the unexpected sight of Doctor ████████'s helmeted face in the night sky.
-->'''Addendum:''' Any personnel caught placing glow-in-the-dark stars on the walls of the cell will be reassigned to paperwork.
--> In the event that Planet IV’s inhabitants attempt to build another satellite weapon (see Incident Report SCP-756 A), personnel assigned to remove it must remain aware that although missiles fired from IV's surface cannot penetrate standard-issue spacesuits, helmets or visors, weapons platforms will almost certainly fire more quickly than the average human being can move.
* A D-Class with little intelligence and imagination is tested on [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-825 SCP-825]], a helmet that uses disturbing (to the person) audio[=/=]visual hallucinations.
-->'''Results:''' As expected the subject confinement in a room with several rodents. When asked if he was being bitten, the subject responded "No... wait, now they are." Further suggestions as to how the vision could be worse (larger rats, being restrained, being confined in a tiny box filled with rats, the rats specifically attacking subject's eyes and genitals) were all subsequently introduced into the subject's vision after a short delay.
* An earlier revision of [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-294 SCP-294]] had this at the bottom of the page; turns out SCP-294 has a sense of humor:
-->"Researcher reported a quantifiable level of surprise at the occurrence."
** The poor dude ordered "Surprise me". 294 gave him a cup of superheated water, which exploded in his face.
*** After healing from the burns, the person was reported to have said "Well, it certainly surprised me!"
** Again from an earlier revision: Someone orders "Whatever the next person orders", to see if it can predict the future. Of course, the machine just waited until the next person ordered and gave both drinks at the same time. "Cleanup took two hours, and the researcher was told in a firm voice not to do it again."
** What happened when someone asked for "my life story".
-->"Upon consumption, Dr.████████ reported that he remembered everything that had ever happened to him. Following this test, Dr.████████ entered his office and returned 48 hours later with a 538-page autobiography."
** SCP-294 has complied with a request to make a [[Franchise/TheHitchhikersGuideToTheGalaxy Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster]].
* Abusing [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-661 SCP-661]], a rude saleman with the power of a CompellingVoice.
-->''- '████. It ████████ reeks in here. Open a god ████ window or something''' (Denied. Security Officer ██████ farted instead.)
** How about when he asked for a can of Pepsi, and was given a can of Coke instead? "Denied. After recovering from concussion, Dr. █████ was reassigned to a non-sentient SCP."
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-050 SCP-050]] is a ClingyMacGuffin that people can "win" if they can prank whoever owns it. Add dangerous [=SCPs=] to the mix, and you have [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/document-050 "The Great Researcher Prank War"]].
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-387 What happens when you expose sentient Lego blocks to cheap Lego copies:]]
-->Once a normal community of 387 was constructed, a small mound of Megablocks (a common copy of Lego) was placed near the community. When this happened, everything constructed of 387 stopped moving, turned slowly towards the Megablocks and [EXPUNGED].\\
\\
''Addendum 387-6: [[PrecisionFStrike Jesus fucking Christ.]] - Dr. Arch''
** Don't forget what happens when you expose kids to sentient Lego blocks.
--->"Addendum 387-1: How the fuck did these children gain knowledge of the workings of a M1 Abrams Tank, no less [EXPUNGED]!?"
* The testing log for [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-061 SCP-061,]] a computer program that controls people's minds. The vague "Run on treadmill" command resulted in the test subjects attempting to run on an unmoving treadmill, run on a treadmill at full speed, and jog until told to stop, respectively, the latter two of which ended up flying off the end of the treadmill, [[Series/AmericasFunniestHomeVideos AFV]]-style.
* The ending of [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-523 SCP-523]].
--> Note: Since it seems that SCP-523's transformations are more or less proportional to the gravity of the situation it is being used for, it is imperative that it be destroyed immediately in the event of an XK-class end-of-the-world scenario, as it may turn into something that would further exacerbate the situation. Like the Sun. -Dr. Willis
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-732 SCP-732]] is an entity of sorts which vandalizes articles with bragging LeetLingo $%^&and has psykic powers and can blow peple up with teh blink of an eye#$%^. Its appearances in other articles are also for laughs, such as [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/incident-239-b-clef-kondraki an incident report]] where it's explained a SelfInsert managed to be killed because its entry was corrupted by 732, making it look much more powerful than he seemed.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-426 I]] have my description written entirely in the first person and am incredibly funny as a result. Just don't go back and read what I do to people.
--> Description: Hello, I am SCP-426. I must be introduced this way in order to prevent ambiguity. I am an ordinary toaster, able to toast bread when supplied with electricity. However, when any human being mentions me, they inadvertently refer to me in the first person. Despite all attempts, there is yet to be a way to speak or write about me in the third person. When in my continuous presence for over two months, individuals begin to identify themselves as a toaster. Unless forcibly restrained, these people will ultimately harm themselves in their attempts to emulate my standard functions.
** The doc's note at the end: "Thank God there are some limits to my effects. A lot of us were really starting to get worried about me."
* Telling a nine year old RealityWarper ([[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-239 SCP-239]]) about SantaClaus. Should have seen it coming:
-->Note from Dr. ████████, dated 12/26/04: ''Who the hell thought it would be a good idea to tell her about "Santa Claus" and then tell her that it was just a story?! Now we have another potential SCP to deal with, but we can't catch him because he is "magic".''
* The fourth testing log from [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-404 SCP-404]]. Saying anything else would ruin it.
** Also the very fact that this item is numbered 404. If you don't know why that is relevant [[spoiler: check what HTTP status code 404 means.]]
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/retrieval-log-db-503-b A happy accident leading from the constant changing of SCP numbers being deleted and reassigned...]] Funny enough that when SCP-503 was deleted and reassigned yet again, the article (the pasta pot, that is) was eventually dug up again and put back up [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-503-arc as an archived item]].
** Similarly, there's a [[http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/document-348-002 Foundation Tale]] about [[{{Ghostapo}} a Nazi research operation into an SCP]] where the original article was deleted and reassigned. While the number is redacted out in the title to account for this, it's still visible in the URL, so the Nazis apparently had a facility to research [[http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-348 a bowl that produces noodle soup when you're hurt]].
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-983 "Sing-along guidelines"]]. That is all.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-743 SCP-743]] is a Keter chocolate fountain that devours people. The Foundation plans to feed condemned D-class personnel to it. What do they call this plan? [[spoiler: ''Death By Chocolate''.]]
* Two people attempting to discuss [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-055 this eminently forgettable thing.]]
** When someone attempts to refine a list of 'Everything we know [the above item] is not' with 914's "Very Fine" setting:
---> '''Output: A list of something, about something. Researcher and Guard failed to recall what was on the list. List was misplaced, somewhere.'''
* Decommissions have been known to be a little... over-the-top. The [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp809termination termination of SCP-809]], described by the site as a self-insert cyborg boyfriend for the (now gone) SCP-808, actually begins with a heated discussion of how to kill 809 in the most ridiculous way possible, including feeding it to 682, processing it with 914, [[DeathBySex booby-trapping 808's shower]], using high-grade explosives, and [[RockBeatsLaser throwing a rock at him]] ("Like a big-ass rock?" "Like as big-of-an-ass rock you can find!"). Ultimately, it was decided to restrain him with high-power electromagnets and crush him with a magnetically-pulled 10-ton weight... [[RefugeInAudacity cast in the shape of a giant fist.]]
-->'''Gephart:''' I do want to say one thing, though.
-->'''Kondraki:''' And what's that?
-->'''Gephart:''' In the end, you wound up hitting it with a [[RockPaperScissors rock]] after all.
-->[[VaudevilleHook <boos, catcalls>]]
** Also this:
--->'''Interviewer''':"I'm just curious: was it REALLY necessary to cast the kill item in the shape of a giant steel fist?"
--->'''Dr. Clef''': "Not really, no."
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-826 SCP-826]] is a set of bookends which can portal users into the universe of whichever book is placed between its halves.
-->On ██/██/20██, SCP-826 was discovered to be missing by Dr. Clopine, who alerted Foundation security personnel. Security camera footage revealed assistant researcher D█████ V████████ had removed SCP-826 before leaving for the night. Personnel then proceeded to V████████'s apartment, where they detained him as he was entering the building. Searching his bag, Personnel found SCP-826 along with a new bottle of KY Warming Gel and a DVD copy of The Little Mermaid. SCP-826 was returned to the Foundation and V████████ has since been reassigned to Keter Duty.
** See below for the inevitable attempt to kill [[NighInvulnerable SCP-682]] with it.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-041 SCP-041]]
** "It has come to my attention that several personnel have used SCP-041 as an ad-hoc 'she likes me/she likes me not' detector. This is one of the most appalling things I've ever heard. Are we safeguarding potentially world-destroying objects or are we in third grade?" — Dr. Klein.
* This line from an After Action report about an incident wherein a D-Class prevents [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-498 SCP-498]] from getting out of control: "... D-4112 was treated for severe internal bleeding, commended for preventing a potentially catastrophic containment breach, and successfully terminated at the end of the month."
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-299 SCP-299]] is a Keter-class botanical SCP that turns any plant into a ravenous carnivore upon contact. For some reason, the Foundation decided to test it on a sunflower.
-->''Specimen's trunk snapped upon introduction of researcher's foot. Remains incinerated.''
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-871 SCP-871]], a collection of 237 cakes which, if eaten, will replace themselves within 24 hours and if ''not'' eaten will replicate themselves. Seems normal enough, but the funny part is that ''it's categorized as Keter class'', with Foundation scientists estimating that an uncontrolled outbreak would destroy the world by drowning it in cake!
** Also, the containment procedures suggest executing any D-class who refuses to eat the cake. Eat that cake ''or die''. It goes on to say that personnel who do eat a cake can volunteer to eat more, those who've consumed one should not be permitted access to any other SCP projects, and their monthly termination can be postponed if they exhibit "exceptional usefulness". Yes, as a D-class you can get a risk-free job that lets you survive indefinitely so long as you're willing to keep eating a lot of cake.
*** A choice between [[Creator/EddieIzzard cake or death?]]
** [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-503-arc SCP-503-ARC]] is similar: a pot that produces an endless amount of pasta until deactivated. The "Upgrade to Keter pending" is because of what happened [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/retrieval-log-db-503-b last time somebody left it on for too long]].
*** Is it ''Strega Nona's'' spaghetti pot?
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-731 SCP-731's]] [[PrecisionFStrike "rebuttal"]] to the scientists' experiments is simply funny.
* From the [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/experiment-log-455 exploration logs of SCP-455]]:
-->'''[=T2L=]''': [=T2L=] here HQ, we sent up a man as advised and he returned in four minutes. Sent him back twice in a sprint, two minutes. We all recorded thirty to get down this far at least, and we all recorded our scout's return times as well. There is definitely something inconsistent.
-->'''HQ''': Proceed as planned [=T2L=], time lapses have been recorded but we see no need to abort mission over this. Please use precautions when these lapses occur and immediately try to raise us should you suspect one so we can confirm time since last contact. In addition if radio silence is encountered use utmost discretion.\\
… … … .\\
[=T2L=] respond?\\
… … … .\\
[=T2L=]?\\
… … … .\\
[[PrecisionFStrike Fuck.]]
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-514 SCP-514]], a flock of doves that shuts down any attempt at violence and disables all weapons in its area of effect. This results in groups fighting to control it using... alternate methods of conflict resolution.
-->'''O5-██''': Are you serious? The fate of one of our [=SCPs=] could be decided on the outcome of rock-paper-scissors?!
-->'''Captain ████████''': I assure you sir, you have nothing to fear. We are [[SeriousBusiness dead serious]] about these matters.
-->'''O5-11''': Captain, couldn't you have chosen a more… dignified… game as your primary conflict resolution method? Seeing two grown men in all-black tactical gear taking a children's card game so seriously is… off-putting.
* While aging a bottle of scotch in [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/test-log-for-scp-119 SCP-119]]:
-->'''Dr. Grant''': Subsequent testing determined that the results of this experiment were delicious.
-->'''Dr. Deral''': It would seem Dr. Grant is a rather poor whiskey connoisseur, as whiskey does not age outside of the barrel. Your delicious experiment resulted in a 37-year old bottle of 12-year old scotch. Well done.
-->'''Dr. Grant''': I stand by my initial assessment. Delicious.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-173 SCP-173]] becomes marginally less frightening when you realise it bears a distinct resemblance to WesternAnimation/InvaderZim.
* The bizarrely adorable sapient calculator, [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-168 SCP-168]], wants a storage room with a window;
-->Upon entering storage room 185-D to continue testing with SCP-168 on the morning of January 15, 2008, I discovered the only table in the room upended, with SCP-168 resting next to it, in an upright position. Its screen read; “HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT? TEACH YOU TO LEAVE ME IN THE DARK ALL DAY. JERK.”
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-202 SCP-202]], the guy who does everything in reverse:
-->Addendum: Direct Order from Commander [EXPUNGED]: "We're not having any more discussion about what happens when two oh two goes to the bathroom!"
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-483 SCP-483]], pills which "de-age" the subject, in that they leave them biologically the same age but change all records of them to say they're younger;
-->Note: I've always been paranoid about memetic and mind-altering effects. Lucky for me, my countermeasures saved my memory from the overdose. Unfortunately, however, I've lost my clearance, seniority, staff, awards, retirement date, and the opportunity to have my aging mother ever recognize me again. Fixing at least some of these problems would be simple; that is, if anyone knew who the hell I was! That's the last time I get a rookie to draw up an experimental procedure for me, goddamn it. - Dr. Blast
-->Note: Dr. Blast, please refrain from using official documentation as a medium to voice complaint. That you're 2 weeks old is no excuse. - Dr. ████████
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1147 SCP-1147]] is a plum tree of unknown species that grow in anything the seeds are planted in. The whole tree takes on similar physical attributes to the material it was planted in, including the leaves, flowers and fruit. They tested the results of growing 1147 in a variety of materials, some with very obvious non-scientific objectives.
** This test:
--->SCP-1147-MO
--->Substance: $2,183 US in mixed bills, shredded and mixed with water to form pulp.
--->Result: Similar structure to SCP-1147-PA, but trunk is a pale green in color. Leaves bear a random mix of symbols and images commonly found on currency, but do not resemble complete and passable bills. Flowers have the scent of fresh dollar bills.
--->Fruit: A paper skin filled with dark ink. Sample of ink had a mild plum flavor.
--->Notes: I told you it wouldn't work. I'm glad I didn't chip in to the collection. -Dr. Laurel
** There's also the comment that the head researcher makes after one test where they grew one tree in beer:
--->"I would recommend disciplinary action against Researcher Adams for liberally sampling SCP-1147-BE-2 before proper D-Class testing, but I believe the hangover is punishment enough."
** [[NightmareFuel It stops being so funny when they start growing it in animal-based materials though.]] Though the doctor's response afterwards may give a bit of levity:
-->"This is exactly why I went into botany in the first place."
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-048 SCP-048]] would fit, if it ever existed. 048 has no SCP assigned to it, because it is "cursed".
-->'''''Addendum 1''''': This is ridiculous. I'll prove to you superstitious bastards that you're all just being pussies. The restriction on SCP-048 is now removed and assigned to [DATA EXPUNGED]. ''- Dr. Cortez.''
-->'''''Addendum 2''''': SCP-048, [DATA EXPUNGED], was accidentally thrown into the trash this morning and lost. In an unrelated incident, Dr. Cortez's arms were accidentally traumatically amputated in a horrific lunchroom blender accident. SCP-048 closed. - ''O5-11''
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-250 SCP-250]], a living ''Allosaurus'' skeleton:
-->Unauthorized access to SCP-250's enclosure during its daily activity period is [[TooDumbToLive its own punishment]].
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-887-log Parts of this log,]] especially:
-->Sample 887-1111: The musical score for "SCP Foundation, The Musical"
-->Personally, I think we should try to sell this to Broadway. I mean, really; how else are you going to see Dr. Bright and Dr. Clef belting out a duet about SCP-682's eating habits? -Dr. Edison
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-586 SCP-586]]. Description cannot do this one justice, but once you've got used to translating the typographical eras it's hilarious.
-->Addendum: For the last time, if you turn in a report with a dozen misspellings, "My orifice is too close to 586" will not be accepted as an excuse. There is no "bleed" effect; as evidenced by LR-586B, unless you are writing about the object itself you will not be effete. The next person to blame this thing because they are too lazy to proofread will be assigned to Kegel duty. Dr. █████
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1370 SCP-1370]], a rather hostile robot with grandiose appetites for destruction that is really just incapable of harming anything. To give you an idea of how incapable, a test log shows it losing against a ''potted plant''. No, not another SCP, just an ordinary potted plant.
-->If SCP-1370 encounters an object it believes to be sapient, it will attempt to engage the object in combat while introducing itself with a variety of elaborate titles which appear to be selected at random. Examples include ''Doom Bot 2000'', ''Robo Lord the Destructor'', ''Prime Minister Sinister'' and ''Darth Claw Killflex''. SCP-1370 will often include variations to these titles based on responses it receives from personnel; Foundation staff have successfully introduced ''Patheticon the Garglemost'' and ''Pester Bot'' to its lexicon.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-846 SCP-846]], a small toy robot, [[HyperspaceArsenal with hundreds of accessories hidden in its chest cavity.]] It is sentient but is quite single minded, leading to...
-->SCP-846: THIS VERSION OF ROBO-DUDE IS EQUIPPED WITH OVER A HUNDRED NEW ROBO-ACCESSORIES AND ROBO-FEATURES, INCLUDING 'VOICE ACTION', 'POWER PUNCH' AND 'ROBO-DANCE'. ROBO-DUDE WILL NOW DEMONSTRATE ROBO-DANCE.
-->Dr. ███████: No thank you, SCP-846, I'd like to -
-->(At this point, SCP-846 began a 'Robo-Dance', [[OverlyLongGag which lasted twenty-three (23) minutes.]] SCP-846 ignored all questions during this time period.)
* Not straight-up funny like most of these, but [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1025 SCP-1025]] is a glorious bit of metafictional commentary by way of RealityEnsues. At first, it looks like your typical Keter-class object with a long experiment log killing a bunch of class-Ds, which eventually degenerates into an ApocalypticLog... [[spoiler:and then someone from O5 comes along and says that absolutely no unusual pathogens were detected and all the thing actually causes is "hypochondria by proxy." He/she then wonders who thought it was a good idea wasting all this money on the SCP, cuts the research funding, stuffs the book in a locker, and reclassifies it to "Safe."]]
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-735 The insult box.]]
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-157 SCP-157]]: █████ ██████, found with extensive scalp damage after mistaking SCP-157 for a bottle of shampoo and applying some to his hair. Victim was apparently immune to SCP-157 anesthetic and began screaming, attracting the attention of his wife, who had been eating a snack. "It was the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen – he had a pastrami sandwich on his head, and it was eating HIM!"
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1570 SCP-1570 (NSFW)]] is the corpse of an old woman who, for whatever reason, projects a ghost of itself in random areas, especially where weird shit happens. In life, she was a huge fan of shock-jock moral outrage against weird people, in the vein of shows like JerrySpringer, and died watching an episode of Geraldo about men wearing women's underwear. That's not funny. What's funny is that one of the containment efforts involved SCP Agents dressing in assless chaps, as seen in the photo - she's heavily implied to be directly responsible for San Francisco, Austin, Las Vegas, and the Burning Man Festival being known hubs of weirdness, because the Foundation decided the best way to contain her was to get counterculture stuff like SF's infamous BSDM festival.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-147 SCP-147]]: As has been verified repeatedly, the presence of persons born after March 1965 does not in and of itself trigger a hostile event. For reasons still unknown, SCP-147 objects mainly to manufactured items. Dr. ████████ ████ recently conducted an experiment in which he clothed himself with vintage (pre-1965) articles of clothing, with the caveat that he had three Bic Flair pens (invented in the 1970s) in his shirt pocket. What he saw while seated in front of SCP-147, he would later describe as "a bizarre episode of ''I Love Lucy'' featuring a surprising amount of gunplay."
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-423 SCP-423]]: It's a character named Fred who moves from book to book, adding himself in the story. He is hilarious, and I hope they add to his [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/experiment-log-423-a experimentation page]] soon. The best there now is {{Ulysses}}, which he doesn't edit and says it hurt, and ''Literature/HouseOfLeaves'', which he complains was way too confusing. It's great to know even [=SCPs=] can't figure that book out.
--> '''SCP-423 (Fred)''': ''(after entering Ulysses)'' Ow, ow, bad idea.
--> '''Dr. E. Mann''': Note this as a potential punishment for SCP-423 if it misbehaves.
** And then he edited Green Eggs And Ham. His response afterwards? "That was fun."
** They also gave him access to a copy of his own test log to see what he would do...
-->''Results:'' Identical, except for the insertion of the words "ruggedly handsome" in several sections of the log.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1006 SCP-1006]] is a cluster of spiders. COMMUNIST spiders. The clincher is the following:
-->Once supplied a source of black ink and poster sheets, SCP-1006 will communicate with humans by creating signs written in English. These communications are largely centered around demands for the dismantling of western imperialism, a scathing critique of the bourgeoisie, and a request for less mosquito spraying in the surrounding area of the park.
** Makes you wonder what will happen if they ever come in contact with SCP-50-AE-J (the [[{{Eagleland}} AMERICAN!]] eagle).
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1171 SCP-1171]] is a monstrous eldritch abomination that hates humans. [[spoiler: Think less "Adolf Hitler in Cthulhu's body" and more "your white trash idiot friend who keeps complaining about black people".]]
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-931 Subject 9-3-1]]
-->is rather humorous, yes
-->and should be here, too.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1068/comments/show SCP-1068's]] product description is hilariously over the top, and it of course includes the mandatory UnreadableDisclaimer.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-109 SCP-109]] is used in hazings of new D-Class. How?
-->Addendum 109-3: "It has come to my attention that new class D personnel are often dared to empty the bottle. Guards are reminded that they are to discourage such activity, and inform them that SCP-109 is bottomless. Chanting 'Chug!' repeatedly is considered unprofessional." — Dr. Klein
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1839 SCP-1839]]. The SCP is a book that makes the reader think they are a fish. However the effect is memetic and the entry is also trying to convince you are also a fish. This is ridiculous of course, because, since you're a fish, there's no possible way you could ''read'' the SCP entry and its attempts to convince you that you're a fish. Which you are.
** The best part: the addendum at the end is credited to "Dr. U. R. A. Fish."
* They attempted to "defeat" [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-738 SCP-738]] by putting him against the Foundation's legal counsel. [[MundaneMadeAwesome It was amazing]].
--> "Come back any time. I haven't had so much fun in years!"
** On the same page, 738 negotiating with the "dyslexic and seriously mentally retarded" D-class.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1867 "... You do realize that you’re a sea slug, right?"]]
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1492 SCP-1492]], an armored car which steals valuable things by teleporting them inside itself and leaves snarky messages in their place, tries to steal a SCP item. The message left behind? [[spoiler:"what the hell is that get it off oh shit oh shit take it back"]]
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1247 SCP-1247]], albeit in a very darkly humorous way. A man who, after watching the movie ''Holes'', perceives any animal as looking exactly like Shia [=LaBeouf=]. In the buff. The clincher, though, is the punchline.
--> SCP-1247's copy of 'Holes' has been recovered. Testing has determined no anomalous effects. [[{{Understatement}} SCP-1247 has expressed]] [[CaptainObvious disinterest in a second viewing]].
* SCP-076 winds up [[spoiler: leading a task force code-named Omega]]. Unfortunately...
--> Able's getting bored, and he's started putting his team through live fire exercises: they get bullets, he gets training weapons. Have you ever seen someone break a man's jaw [[RefugeInAudacity using a Nerf sword]]? He's not gonna stop until someone gets killed.
** Able and his task force got assigned to a mission. Someone objected, but was ignored and the mission was conducted anyway. He responded again, attaching ''hello.jpg''[[note]]The infamous memetic "goatse" image, though a text placeholder is used here in place of the actual image itself[[/note]] to his response. Poor guy was not only completely disregarded, he got reassigned to SCP-682 duty[[note]]However, he's the one who wrote that note on the top of 076's article, so he's alive and well[[/note]].
---> Subject: I hope you're fucking proud of yourself, motherfucker.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/document-451-a SCP-451's Journal]] should be sad. But keep in mind that people still see him as normal, then imagine how the situation would look like from bystanders' points of view - it becomes FridgeBrilliance humor. Especially the 6/17 entry, when he stops wearing clothes and walks around Site-19, naked, with only sneakers. Oh, and [[RunningGag whenever he wants something, he will steal it from his old friend's room.]]
* The [[http://scpclassic.wikidot.com/scp-323 old version]] of [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-323 SCP-323]], an otherwise bad object that got replaced, has containment procedures containing possibly the greatest sentence ever written.
--> "The room must be shaved daily."
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-152 SCP-152]] is a huge, constantly changing book that describes numerous different ways humanity could go extinct. Apparently half the entries in the last fifty or so pages are devoted to many ways the [[EpicFail Foundation screws up and accidentally destroys the universe]]. One Foundation staff member suggests making SCP-152 required reading material in order to keep newbies from inadvertently wiping out all life.
* [[http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-572 SCP-572]], which is a parody of ignorant wannabes who obsess over the "quality" of cheap, impractical swords.
* Normally, Containment Procedures are there to heighten the dread of an object's effects. [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-677 SCP-677's]] Containment Procedures do something similar, but to a slightly different effect...
--> SCP-677 is currently in the vicinity of Saturn’s orbit.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1541 SCP-1541]], which can basically be summed up as a long-forgotten deity who harasses the descendents of his followers. Via text messages. While drunk. The message log between SCP-1541 and a woman he constantly pesters to worship him has to be seen to be believed.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1296 SCP-1296]]. It's funny enough that there's a "deliver-a-llama" SCP, but the real hilarity comes when they asked it for [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1545 SCP-1545]], ''Larry the Loving Llama, a two-person llama suit wearing galoshes.''
-->"Just fucking take it!"
** Also, one order results in the delivery of a lama... as in, a Buddhist holy man, who has no idea how the hell he got there.
** [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6unpIYFoheE Perhaps this is their theme song?]]
* [[spoiler: [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1442 SCP-1442]]]] is a [[spoiler: sentient corporation]] that tries to flirt with one of the Foundation's fronts.
-->[[spoiler: i'm est. 1984/$324 per share/Boston HQ you?]]
** The humor is in the buildup, in this case. The article starts with an undercover infiltration, making sure no one is aware about the SCP itself being sentient. You read about how it seems to be subtly manipulating people in order to send its messages, as well as think properly, and how it constantly makes attempts to communicate. And then you read the messages, expecting a powerful, possibly malevolent entity, and [[spoiler:the messages are less "threats and ill omens" and more "chatroom flirting"]].
* The SCP-001 proposal "[[http://www.scp-wiki.net/roget-s-proposal Keter Duty]]" involves [[spoiler: Keter-class objects being made to contain each other.]] The last pair of items is none other than [[NothingIsScarier SCP-055 and SCP-579]]. The description? [[spoiler: "Can't fit round pegs into square holes."]]
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1459 SCP-1459]], especially the last four tests with the Maintenance Technician. Hope you don't like puppies!
** Even if you do like puppies, the myriad ways 1459 kills them are so utterly absurd, you can't help but laugh. Killed by "The Judicial System"? Numerous puppies, one of them dressed in the stereotypical judge's robe and wig, and another dressed in a police uniform (presumably the bailiff), the rest sitting on a bench. The initial dog is "sentenced" to death and hung. The others were killed the same way shortly after. Killed by "civil war"? A man dressed in a Confederate uniform from circa 1863 (so, the American Civil War) walks out and kills the puppy. Killed by "BATMAN!" A stone bust of him falls out of the ceiling and crushes the puppy. Plead for the puppy's life by crying ''"Please, no kill dog!"''? 1479 ''literally'' [[PetTheDog pets the dog]]... and then pulls out a kitten and kills ''that'' instead.
-->[[http://www.scp-wiki.net/forum/t-730164/scp-1459-extended-testing-log#post-2209368 This is a collaborative experiment log for a machine that kills puppies. It has exactly one downvote. There is something seriously wrong with us as a community.]]
** Then there's the [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1459-extended-testing-log extended testing log]]. Including "assassination", in which the puppy is dressed like UsefulNotes/AbrahamLincoln before [[RasputinianDeath being poisoned, beaten, stabbed, and shot]] - the last of which [[WhoShotJFK produces two bullet holes even though only one was fired.]]
** Choosing "dog fighting" results in the two puppies being placed in miniature World War I biplanes and made to perform an aerial battle.
** One researcher made the mistake of choosing "Surprise me." [[spoiler: The machine waited 20 minutes until the doctor got closer, then delivered a massive screamer-style shock of loud sounds and scary images that gave him a heart attack and killed the dog from shock. It then dispensed aspirin.]]
** The machine is also flexible enough for different interpretations of its commands. For instance, "Supernova" resulted in the puppy being beaten to death by various Supernova-model implements. "Poker" introduced several other puppies playing poker, and the losers being killed by a fireplace poker. "Titanium" resulted in a puppy being killed by a CD single for the ''song'' "[[Music/DavidGuetta Titanium]]".
** The request "Crushed by a triceratops ridden by Ayn Rand shouting quotes from Atlas Shrugged, Also Sprach Zarathustra and The Critique of Pure Reason." [[StrangeMindsThinkAlike had already been used]].
** Somehow, Dr. Callagher's "request" (which consisted of him screaming nonstop for the entire 15-seconds period where you're allowed to make your request) was accepted, and resulted into the puppy being bludgeoned to death by a miniaturized clone of Dr. Callagher who ''also'' screamed nonstop for the entire duration. The resulting cookie contained "toxic amounts of capsaicin".
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-555 SCP-555]] draws dead matter to it, with its radius of effect growing as more is attracted. Now, in general the containment procedures leave out instructions not to do obviously stupid things, but [[RunningGag since it involves dead bodies...]]
--> SCP-555 is never to be stored in the same site as SCP-447.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1472 SCP-1472]]. Velociraptors in {{Meido}} costumes are involved. The entire thing is just so bizarrely hilarious.
* This bit from the second test log for [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1759 SCP-1759]].
-->'''[Sniffling sounds from rear cabin]'''
-->'''Dr. Silver''': … D-0215, is that you?
-->'''D-0215''': Uh… no. [[SandInMyEyes That was the wind.]]
** It's even funnier because 1759's anomalous effect only affects those who make contact with the art on the side of the plane. D-0215 did not.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1746 SCP-1746]]. Think of it as the anti-SCP-231-7: Like 231-7, there is a ritual to be performed for containing it which is not detailed in the report. Unlike 231-7, the lack of details makes it ''hilarious''.
--> [Cause of Containment Breach]: [[NoodleIncident Squirrel 2 failed to carry the frozen dairy confection to its designated mark before consuming it.]]
* The EasterEgg relating to [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2999 SCP-2999]]'s first image reveals that one of the formerly blacked-out icons on its toolbar is [[spoiler: ''VideoGame/YumeNikki'']].
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1722 SCP-1722]] is a crudely decorated stick that, when brought near any written or recorded document, infests said document(s) with commentary from a grumpy old man. Some of the more hysterical testing logs:
-->'''On a sappy romance novel:''' AND THEN THEY FUCKED AND GOOD GOD [[PurpleProse THIS PROSE IS PURPLE]]. '''(written in block capitals, one letter per page)'''\\
'''Theatre/{{Hamlet}}'s soliloquy in Act 1, Scene 2:''' GODDAMMIT SHUT UP.\\
Singing along (badly) to Music/{{Bob Dylan}}'s "Like a Rolling Stone"\\
'''On its own testing logs:''' Oh look, it’s a guy with a stick. Wonderful, wonderful. Another guy walks in, “Hey Bob, how’s it going?” “Oh, you know, just holding this stick here.” “Oh really that sounds interesting! Here, hold this book.” “Gee wiz, Frank, now I’m holding both a stick and a book and aaaaaaaaaaaargh do something already!\\
'''On the writings of an 18th century member of British parliament:''' Look, now, you’re on the right track here, but just think about what you’re saying. Stomping down on the colonists is just going to get ugly for all parties involved. Best option would be to keep them as a semi-autonomous district, with a locally elected official serving as regional governor, accompanied by a second position who serves as representative in parliament. [[SophisticatedAsHell Also, knock it off with those curly fs. They’re annoying as shit to read.]]\\
'''On a fan fiction:''' This is the fifth apostrophe I’ve had to place in THIS FUCKING PARAGRAPH. You know what? [[RageQuit Fuck it. I’m not reading this anymore.]] [The remaining 71 pages are unedited.]
* While much of [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-993 SCP-993]], a kids' show that blanks out the minds of adult viewers while programming children into psychopaths, is pure nightmare fuel, including the episode logs, the final two episodes detailed are darkly humorous. The next to last is titled 'Bobble The Clown Hates You', and is just the titular clown staring angrily at the screen for half an hour, possibly in response to when the SCP Foundation began blocking the transmission of the episodes. The last is given the title '[EXPLETIVE] YOU [EXPLETIVE] YOU [EXPLETIVE] YOU', and it is directed right at the SCP Foundation. Apparently, 'Bobble The Clown' is not pleased by the fact that the SCP Foundation has succeeded in blocking his transmissions.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2662 SCP-2662]] is essentially an EldritchAbomination who happens to be a fairly decent guy... who just so happens to spawn cults dedicated to freeing him and worshiping him in extremely profane and disgusting ways. This form of worship [[{{Squick}} squicks him out, big time.]] He's not so much contained as ''voluntarily'' staying, so that he can minimize his contact with the outside world and keep these things to a minimum. What primarily makes this funny is his reactions, which, in spite of being an EldritchAbomination, [[NotSoDifferent are identical to that of an average human being in the same situation.]]
** To summarize, the article's title is "Cthulhu f''''UCK OFF!'''".
** The third log also implies some hysterical things. The first being that SCP-2662 is evidently just out of its 'teen' years and is 'barely legal', 'only' two-hundred years old. The second being that the 'barely legal' comment implies that wherever it comes from, Eldritch Abominations have to be a minimum legal age before they are allowed to have a cult, and finally that getting a cult is its equivalent of getting married.
** Then there's a tale where 2662 and the above mentioned 1171 [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/skeeve-online meet in an online game]]. Complete with nude pictures!
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2875 SCP-2875]] describes a small town in Wisconsin that becomes overrun by bears every three or so days. Some audio from a cell phone found by personnel details a possible origin for this phenomenon. The audio details the town mayor Tom Miller apparently calling up someone to send bears into the wildlife around town to get rid of the town's coyote problem, leaving his phone number for the exterminator at the end of each call. By the last call, the town has become overrun by bears. As a panicking Tom calls one last time, he is attacked by a bear himself. What makes the call funny is that while he is being mauled '''[[TooDumbToLive he still has the nerve to leave his phone number for the exterminator before the call ends]]'''.
** The name of the entry deserves special mention as well: [[EverythingsWorseWithBears "The Town That Got Fucked By Bears".]]
* After the invasion iteration for [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2998 SCP-2998]] begins, the Foundation is doing their usual shtick of enacting all the global panic plans and preparing to combat the invaders. The hilarity comes with the juxtaposition of the next iteration, [[spoiler: where the Foundation has instantly failed to stop the invaders, Earth is an alien-dominated wasteland, and the only intact part of the Foundation has undergone a theocratic coup. These theocrats spend the entire entry condemning the Foundation for heresy, worshiping the Overseers, and spouting hatred for aliens. Then, in the iteration after ''that'', the theocrats have been wiped out and the aliens have their hands full trying to stop all the [=SCPs=] they inadvertently released. ("[[YouKillItYouBoughtIt I think they've accidentally adopted an entire planet full of anomalies that they'll have to take care of now.]] I can't help but think that's pretty damn funny.") How are things solved? Surviving agents [[GodzillaThreshold set off a dual breach of]] [=SCPs=] [[YouCannotGraspTheTrueForm 055]] and [[NothingIsScarier 579]], resulting in a ResetButton.]]
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2305 SCP-2305]] is a leaflet that outlines possible neutralization techniques for Euclid and Keter [=SCPs=], how harmful the aftermath of these techniques would be, and "the moral of the story". The [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2305-collab extended documentation]] includes one for [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2123 2123]], the aftermath of which is [[SerialEscalation an absolutely ridiculous chain reaction of SCP effects that would ultimately]] ''[[ApocalypseWow destroy the entire universe]]''. What makes this one funny is the moral:
-->'''"The moral of the story":''' Everybody hates you. ''Everybody''.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2337 SCP-2337]], AKA "Dr. Spanko", a talking bird with a bizarre speech pattern that takes having NoIndoorVoice to comically absurd levels.
-->''Upon containment, SCP-2337 appeared to take hostile action against Foundation personnel, emitting blasts of noise that ruptured the eardrums of 3 agents. Upon later examination, it was revealed that SCP-2337 was attempting to make friendly conversation.''
** The following phrase during Dr. Spanko's interview:
-->'''Dr. ██████:''' Please discontinue yodeling.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2128 SCP-2128]], a furnace that only burns humans that lie while inside it, isn't humorous at first, but the last experiment log definitely is for those who enjoy BlackComedy.
-->'''D-9224:''' Golden retrievers are cute. '''FALSE'''
-->''[D-9224 is incinerated]''
-->'''D-9225:''' Golden retrievers are ugly. '''FALSE'''
-->''[D-9225 is incinerated]''
-->'''D-9226:''' Golden retrievers are tasty. '''TRUE''' Wait, what? That's fuckin' nasty. '''FALSE'''
-->''[D-9226 is incinerated]''
** Even better is when one D-Class rattles off a string of completely accurate statements that indicate that the SCP in question is alive, sentient, and hungry. The next D-Class who is put in gives a statement that allows for just a tiny bit of potential falsehood or misunderstanding. He is burned in a particularly agonizing fashion. This is one SCP that doesn't appreciate being trolled.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2928 SCP-2928]] are [[GratuitousNinja ninjas]]. In the past, they were effectively invisible due to using a PerceptionFilter based on what people thought Ninjas were supposed to be like, but it's implied that the sudden popularity of {{Manga/Naruto}} caused people to expect HighlyVisibleNinja instead. Even more hilarious? The interview log implies that the Franchise/TeenageMutantNinjaTurtles are real.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2702 SCP-2702]], Professor Abnormal's Science Lab. What if Series/BillNyeTheScienceGuy knew too much about The Foundation? The MadScientist on the page image makes it even funnier.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2741 SCP-2741]] is a box that laughs manically when you stick your hands in it, and proclaims “YES… YES!! MY TASK IS COMPLETE. YOU HAVE BECOME… SINISTER!!”. [[spoiler:All it does is make you left-handed, i.e. [[StealthPun "Sinister"]]. And it broke when an ambidextrous person used it.]]
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2270 SCP-2270]] is about a guy who spent $75,000 for a series of texts with extremely intricate and complicated explanations of rituals and incantations to call down the wrath of Nergal, Mesopotamian god of war and the Sun, upon an enemy, with the summoning itself requiring a blood sacrifice, and the price for the summoner being eternal enslavement to Nergal's furnace in the Sun upon death. The guy's target? [[spoiler:[[DisproportionateRetribution His annoying neighbor.]]]]
** Even better, the ritual is described as being incredibly difficult to execute properly (such as reciting a 400-page incantation without ever misspeaking), and messing it up results in the summoner becoming the target of Nergal's rage instead. So what ends up happening to the summoner? [[spoiler: He successfully completes the ritual, celebrates by drinking a lot of beer, and dies when he subsequently crashes his car into a tree.]]
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2513 SCP 2513]] is, on paper, a bridge that makes you utterly despise Carthage, or anything and anyone that now lives where Carthage used to be. In practice, the levels of sheer ''hate'' produced, and the fact that it can be reversed if you cross the bridge north to south, combine to make it hilarious.
** ''"I'll fucking kill you, you fucking backstabbing elephant-riding son of a bitch!"''. Made better by the fact the D-class in question crossed the bridge with full intent to kill, which ''visibly deflated'' as he reached the end of it until he was mostly just confused at the end of it.
** "Sir, I wanted us to ''nuke'' Carthage".
** Lengthier experiments lead to an elderly SCP official getting into flamewars with people who played Carthage in an unspecified RTS while dedicating their time to playing one CurbStompBattle after another against it in another one. And vandalizing articles about Carthage in every wiki he could find.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2206 SCP-2206]], a radio broadcast from an alternate universe where baseball is a BloodSport with CalvinBall tendencies. Even better are the UsefulNotes/MLBTeams analogues, combining puns (the Minnesota Twins are the Minnesota Clones, consisting only of genetic replicas), in-jokes (the Detroit Tigers are the Detroit [[UsefulNotes/UniversityOfMichigan Wolverines]], where "[[Comicbook/{{Wolverine}} members of the team appear to be immortal.]]"), and plain absurdity (the Montreal Expos never left, and [[VolcanoLair play in the active crater of]] [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mount_Royal Mount Royal]]). The [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/walk-in-the-park related tale]] is funny too.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1781 SCP-1781]], a theater where every movie features Creator/HugoWeaving, even if as Professor X's chair in ''Film/XMen''. [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/hugo-hijinks The "making of" is equally amusing.]]
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1972 SCP-1972]], an officer of the law and the criminal they're chasing. Saying any more would ruin the surprise.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2835 SCP-2835]] is a lost episode of The Adventures of Paddy the Pelican, an infamously bad cartoon series by Sam Singer. When the tape is put in a VCR, the titular character will interact with the viewer through the TV, prodding for feedback on his cartoon. He usually responds to criticism by [[BerserkButton going into incoherent and vulgar rants]] and then threatening them by telling them where their family lives. After all, [[MadnessMantra "reap what you sow."]]
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2221 SCP-2221]] is a MagicallyBindingContract hidden in the Terms of Service of various websites, causing those that agree to them to turn into hyper-religious, noose-obsessed extremists. After a successful containment of a large population of people affected by the anomaly, the Foundation finds that it has edited its own fine print:
---> Recently discovered instances of SCP-2221 have an addition to Clause 217: "By reading this clause, members of any organizations listed in Appendix K.iv agree to go fuck themselves." The SCP Foundation was one of the organizations listed, along with the Federal Bureau of Investigation, the Republic of Letters, and several other groups of interest and governmental organizations.
** The entry continues to explain that personnel who read the clause have *not* shown any anomalous effects, including [[ScrewYourself literal]] [[ADateWithRosiePalms ones]].
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-507 SCP-507]], a man subject to RandomTransportation, is subject to [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/document-507-3b mostly scary alternate worlds]]. Still, there are at least two post-retrieval requests ("Food and water 'that doesn't taste like sand.' Granted." and "One camera; subject stated 'the view was breathtaking'. Denied.") and this dialogue in what appears to be a prison world:
-->The prisoner then pleaded with the subject to release him from his cell. Subject [SCP-507], jokingly, replied that he would free the prisoner if he promised not to stab the subject upon release. There was roughly a seven second pause before the prisoner asked what “stabbing” was. After a moment of deliberation, the subject defined stabbing as “The creation of a new orifice through the use of a pointed object.” Another pause followed. The prisoner eventually affirmed that he could not stab the subject, [[FalseReassurance because all of his objects were “very blunt.”]]
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2416 SCP-2416]] is TooDumbToLive personified. Each iteration of his death is pretty ridiculous, but there are a few that really take the cake.
-->'''SCP-2416-3:''' Overconsumption of pepper sauce. Witnesses report that SCP-2416-3 was attempting to become "the spiciest".
-->'''SCP-2416-8:''' [[NoodleIncident [REDACTED]]] The badgers suffered only minor injuries.
-->'''SCP-2416-18:''' Climbed into Site-59 incinerator. Was looking for a bathroom.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2570 SCP-2570]], where an attempt to revive Adam "MCA" Yauch goes wrong because the ones doing the ritual played Music/TheBeachBoys instead of Music/BeastieBoys. And the resulting anomaly shows an aversion to Music/KanyeWest!
* Showing the Church of the Broken God can get weird, [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2360 SCP-2360]] are teenagers who became integrated to their Xbox 360 consoles, run on a liquid mixture of Mountain Dew and Doritos, and do nothing but play ''VideoGame/ModernWarfare'' ("It's how we're gonna transcend. Like… meditation. Except epic. Every point we score, we get closer. Every match we win, that's a step away from meatspace. We are the most pro that there has ever been. The aimbot is within us. And we will reach heaven with no-scopes.").
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2902 SCP-2902]] are both capable of having their skeletons exit their bodies without any harm. They have a rather tragic backstory, which they tell us... in the form of a duet mimicking their routine at Hermann-Fuller's Circus of the Disquieting. One of them is a cat. You can just feel the researcher trying not to burst out laughing as they do this.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1160 SCP-1160]], an invincible spectral bird whose size and aggression inversely correlates to the number of people aware of its existence. At the time of discovery, [[GiantFlyer it measured 85 meters tall]] -- almost 280 feet! It quickly became clear to the Foundation that successfully containing 1160 meant spreading awareness of it as widely as possible. So they turned it into a breakfast cereal mascot. Currently, 1160 measures only 25 centimeters tall, and any dip in the market value of Super Coco Pows cereal is considered a major security risk.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2325 SCP-2325]], a peaked cap and several accompanying security headsets. If somebody tries to shoot someone wearing the cap, anyone wearing the headset will be forced to [[TakingTheBullet take the bullet]]. ''No matter what.'' The testing logs, as the Foundation tries to determine the limits of 2325's power, are an escalating series of BlackComedy moments.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2941 SCP-2941]] has some of the most [[KafkaKomedy hilariously mean]] containment procedures on the site. The Foundation has to make a bunch of adorable fruit people miserable or else they'll grow out of control, so they have to do things like call a melon a "hideous cube" and finger-flick a peach repeatedly while counting how many times they were able to do so. [[spoiler: A D-Class ruins things by calling SCP-2941-3 "some nice round melons", which leads to the instantaneous death of him and several other people when the melon suddenly grows ridiculously huge.]]
* From the Spanish side, [[http://lafundacionscp.wikidot.com/scp-es-061 SCP-ES-061 the Alternative VHS Player]] is quite funny when it isn't made to reproduce alternate history:
** Many of the article tests are related to Franchise/StarWars: the pic of the article is a pic of Creator/KurtRussell as Han Solo supposedly screencapped from one test; playing a tape of Film/TheEmpireStrikesBack shows Carl Weathers as Lando Calrissian and Billy Dee Wiliams as Han Solo, with no sign of romance between the latter character and Princess Leia; and one testing of Film/ANewHope shows a movie with a remarkable similarity to Creator/GeorgeLucas' original draft (the one with Luke Starkiller rescuing Princess Amidala and Han Solo being a bat-headed being), with the villain being played by Creator/VincentPrice of all people. Still, the doctor doing the test finds the latter film "better than the prequels anyway". And in the [[http://lafundacionscp.wikidot.com/archivo-061-b extended experiments]], when another viewing of Episode IV brought a version where the only real change was that it now starred the 16-year old {{Gender Flip}}ped version of Luke (who then developed romantic tension with Han Solo), the doctor in charge could only comment "Suddenly [[Film/TheForceAwakens Episode VII]] now feels even less original"
** A 1969 episode of Series/DoctorWho becomes a 1972 episode of JustForFun/InspectorSpacetime.
** Experimenting with porn tapes doesn't bring any change on them... except with the last one tested, where what was supposed to be a film starring three Caucasian men and an Asian woman becomes a "she-male" tape.
*** The complaints by the reborn Christian investigator and his final RageQuit.
*** For added fun, note the initials and last name of the investigator that approves the experimentation tests, including the one with porn tapes.[[spoiler: It refers to famous Japanese porn actress Maria Ozawa. In the words of one forumgoer "Foundation personnel does have very interesting cover jobs"]]
** Now the article has a [[http://lafundacionscp.wikidot.com/archivo-061-b experiments list]]. Highlights include the knowledge that in another universe HBO would have chosen ''Literature/TheBlackCompany'' instead of ''Literature/ASongOfIceAndFire'' for a prime time fantasy drama, the idea of a gender flipped and middle aged Franchise/JamesBond, and a very awful DirectToVideo Bolivian film having absolutely no change when reproduced.
* The Japanese site has [[http://ja.scp-wiki.net/scp-242-jp SCP-242-JP]], a piggy bank that treats itself as some sort of online course. It's something of a TakeThat to websites like that, forcing readers to repeatedly pay for the "premium course" to continue reading the article. The prices start off at 500 yen (approximately $5) per passage, and the price keeps going up to the point where the last ''sentence'' costs a total of '''twelve thousand dollars''' to display.
** And the very best part? The most expensive part in the entire article, the one that costs ten thousand US dollars? [[spoiler:It's a single character.]]
[[/folder]]
Entries]]
[[/index]]



[[folder:Joke [=SCP=] Entries]]
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-001-j SCP-001-J]], aside from the [[ShoutOut/SCPFoundation Ren and Stimpy reference]], also features the President setting up the SCP Foundation to contain a big red button that will destroy all creation if pressed, with the implication that he also asked for the Foundation to be set up to "protect humanity from monsters and stuff". That's right, all the terrifying, reality-warping, mind-fucking monsters and objects the SCP Foundation contains is mostly due to the President wanting a foundation to keep him from pushing a red button.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-001-ex-j SCP-001-EX-J]], the first anomalous object contained by the SCP's neolithic predecessor, Catch Keep Guard, is fire. It was relegated to the Understood (AKA -EX) category when someone learned how to make it by rubbing two sticks together - look at the last log. Before that, the CKG Gathering genuinely had fire classified as a potentially world-ending (forest fires, anyone?) and mysterious, but incredibly useful anomaly. Because, think of it - how many current SCP articles will probably end up with the same fate once humanity progresses enough?
** Special mention goes to the last test listed:
--->TRY: IIIII II\\
WHO TRIED: Witch Doctor U██\\
THING TRIED: Throw hemp in Thing-I\\
WHAT HAPPENED: [DATA CHISELED OUT]
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-100-j SCP-100-J]] is, literally, a steaming pile of horseshit. Out of this pile come various [=SCPs=], most of which have been [[TakeThat decommissioned.]]
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1543-j SCP-1543-J]], though a joke SCP, is one of the funniest things in the entire archive.
--> ''There is a long-standing tradition of rivalry between the task force that runs The Sun Launcher and [[NoKillLikeOverkill Team 10 Gazillion Nuclear Detonations All Used At Once.]]''
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1550-j SCP-1550-J]], a wheelchair that turns the setting into ''ComicBook/XMen'', basically.
--> '''Girl:''' What's her power, mister?\\
'''231:''' Well, I can [DATA EXPUNGED] [DATA EXPUNGED] [DATA EXPUNGED]\\
'''Scientist 2:''' (mouth wide open, shocked expression on his face)\\
'''231:''' [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking I also like shopping]].
** Effects the chair has on Able - when he sits on it, it turns him into Xavier, but when somebody else sits on it, Able turns into ComicBook/{{Wolverine}} and gets into a fight with whoever turned into Cyclops over the person who was turned into Jean.
--->'''Mediating researcher:''' I don't want to interrupt, but Able, aren't you incapable of feeling love?\\
'''Able:''' No… I just have a dark past.\\
'''Researcher:''' Huh?\\
'''Able:''' I'm generally good at heart. I've had a tough life, though.\\
'''Researcher:''' I've seen you stab a kid in the face!
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-069-j SCP-069-J]]. Or, in the words of the comment page, "You turned the Foundation... into an H-game."
** Now it has a [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-069-j-research-log Research Log]]. One in-game event involves [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-682 a giant iguana]] escaping from the biology lab! And later, it gets caught by [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-053 an unnamed female student]].
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-4445-j SCP-4445]]. Hey, wait a minute. This seems a little... [[ThisVeryWiki familiar]].
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-666-j SCP-666-j]] - aka "[[DrivesLikeCrazy Dr. Gerald's Driving Skills.]]" Best summed up by the captions:
-->''Dr. Gerald was told to take an ordinary school bus full of D-class to a nearby site.''[[note]](pictured: an inflamed schoolbus jumping over an indeterminate number of motorcycles)[[/note]]\\
''How the hell did he manage that with an electrically-powered Segway?''\\
''The results of Dr. Gerald driving through the town of [REDACTED] on a moped.''\\
''A research team hypothesized that rollerblades are, technically, vehicles. We tested their hypothesis by having Gerald skate into the IRG's headquarters in Tehran. They were right.''\\
''We have this tract of land over in ████████, ███████, just in case we have some sort of vehicular SCP that needs to be decommissioned. Coincidentally, it's also the only place that Dr. Gerald is able to drive without permission.''[[note]](pictured: road signs reading [[AC:"Absolutely Nothing" "Next 22 miles"]])[[/note]]
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-50-ae-j SCP-50-AE-J]]. It's a .50 Desert Eagle that fires SCP-50-AE-1: an actual giant Bald Eagle that rabidly attacks anything perceived to be anti-American while yelling lines appropriate to [[VideoGame/{{Fallout 3}} Liberty Prime]].
--> '''Special Containment Procedures:''' SCP-50-AE-J is to be kept in a steel box locked with a padlock and wrapped in an American flag. The box containing SCP-50-AE-J is to be kept away from the following: Russian literature, radios, the Pope, first generation Russian immigrants, and pictures of Ronald Reagan. In case of [REDACTED] security staff are to begin humming the Star Spangled Banner while weeping a single tear.\\
Investigations into the further properties of SCP-50-AE-1 have been stymied by the fact that SCP-50-AE-1 continues to attack Foundation scientists, calling them "PINKO FUCKS".\\
SCP-50-AE-1 appears to be able to distinguish genetic and racial information in its targets. SCP-50-AE-1 also appears to have a profound dislike of Germans. D-1409 is to be incinerated entirely, after his testicles are recovered from SCP-50-AE-1.
* Just about every word on [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-5308-j SCP-5308-J]] is hilarious, it's no wonder it's one of the highest rated joke [=SCPs=] on the site.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-420-j SCP-420-J]]. [[spoiler:It's marijuana sent through [[AmplifierArtifact SCP-914]], and it's some good shit. [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/extended-scp-420-j-experiment-log The test log]] has some gems, such as the basketball game GoneHorriblyWrong SCP-1733 turning into a Music/GratefulDead concert.]]
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2008-j SCP-2008-J]] is a sports mascot. Not an animal that looks like a sports mascot, or a costume that turns people into a creature that looks like a mascot, but an actual man in a costume.
** Even better, sports fans will note that the image used is [[spoiler: The Philadelphia Phanatic, one of the weirdest looking mascots in all of sports.]]
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-500-j SCP 500-J]], aka "that bitch," aka [[spoiler: O5-8's shrew of a wife.]]
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-006-j SCP 006-J]], aka "WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING?" Hey, even the Foundation can be scared by creepy insects.
-->'''Object Class''': KETER OH GOD KILL IT
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1344-j SCP 1344-J]], which is [[spoiler: the Kool-Aid Man]].
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-4357-j SCP-4357-J]], the Cooperative Demon who [[IllNeverTellYouWhatImTellingYou keeps unintentionally telling the Foundation how to better contain him.]]
-->'''SCP-4357-J''': And THAT is how you make a proper summoning circle. All the runes in place, everything nice and neat. NOW, if I step in it like ''this'', it'll be hard for me to get out!\\
''SCP-4357-J tries to step out of the circle and bumps against an unseen barrier.''\\
'''SCP-4357-J''': Oh, ''FUCK ME!''
** Later:
--->'''SCP-4357-J''': Shit! That hurts, motherfuckers! Doesn't matter much, though; I'll just jump out again. It's not like you can put up a cage that'll hold me, either. I can bust through anything other than wrought-iron that has the words of Solomon on it, and where the unholy fuck are you going to find THAT nowadays, huh?\\
'''07/14/19██'''\\
''Foundation metalworkers install a wrought-iron cage under the supervision and blessing of Rabbi ███████''\\
'''SCP-4357-J''': Shit.
** And in the end, one Agent has a [[CouldHaveAvoidedThisPlot simple question]]:
--->'''Agent ██''': Hello, SCP-4357. I have a question for you today.
--->'''SCP-4357-J''': Fuck off, asshole. I ain't saying nothing to you shitheads any more. You keep locking me down tighter.
--->'''Agent ██''': This is actually a very simple question that has been bothering me for a while: [[ArmorPiercingQuestion why didn't you escape before we set up all this]]?
--->''Agent ██ gestures at the then-current containment protocols. [[DumbStruck SCP-4357-J looks stricken, with its mouth hanging open, for approximately 30 seconds]].''
--->'''SCP-4357-J''': I- I didn't- I thought tha- Oh, GOD DAMN IT!
--->''SCP-4357-J proceeds to throw itself against the containment barriers more violently than usual for 90 hours, 17 minutes, [[ClusterFBomb yelling a constant stream of invective the entire time]].''
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-j SCP-___]]. [[spoiler: It's a rock that makes you procrastinate.]] It's the second-highest rated page on the site.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/the-things-dr-bright-is-not-allowed-to-do-at-the-foundation The Things Dr Bright Is Not Allowed To Do At The Foundation]].
--> 2) Telling new researchers that you can tame SCP-682 with a rolled up newspaper and a tummy rub is right out.\\
13) There is no market for SCP brand pornography.\\
13.5) No, not even in Germany.\\
13.75) It probably would generate a great deal of revenue if sold in Japan but still, [[NoodleIncident 682 on (blackboxed)]], Jesus Christ man.\\
27) Not allowed to send Nigerian-esque spam email to the Church of the Broken God.\\
31) SCP-963 is not a joy buzzer.\\
45) [[NoodleIncident [REDACTED], [REDACTED] hard.]]\\
52) "Accidentally" [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-447 spilling green gelatin on a dead body]] in the presence of the O5 was funny exactly once, and [[BringMyBrownPants the smell of excrement exuding from O5-2's khakis]] spoiled the moment.\\
58) Dr. Bright is not allowed to declare war on any country, thing or person.\\
59) A stripper a day keeps the doctor away. Dr. Bright is not allowed to contribute to this list. Besides, ██% of Foundation staff have their Ph.D. It'd take more than one stripper to keep them away.\\
59.5) Strike that last sentence. Dr. Bright, I don't know where you found a 300-pound midget stripper with three teeth and severely disfiguring [DATA EXPUNGED], but please put it back.\\
66) Showing Series/{{Monty Python|sFlyingCircus}} episodes to [[RealityWarper SCP-239]] was not a wise decision. Please never try this with any other reality warping SCP.\\
71.2) Dr. Bright is not allowed to administer 'Free Hugs', nor an act called 'Surprise █████████'.[[note]]Plus, if one checks how many characters are in the black-out word, it could spell out "buttsecks".[[/note]]\\
79) Attempts to use Foundation radio telescopes to contact omniscient and omnipotent extraterrestrial entities will result in a bill for any damage to local space-time, including the cost of demoting objects to dwarf planet status.\\
81) [[TabletopGame/{{Warhammer 40000}} "For the Emperor"]] is not an acceptable justification for any decision.\\
84) Not allowed to lace 'orgasm muffins' with Ex-lax. Again.\\
90) Not allowed to kick SCP-2558-J.\\
90.5) Not allowed to play dodgeball with SCP-2558-J.\\
92) Foundation resources may not be used to run ''VideoGame/{{Crysis}}''. Build your own computer Bright!\\
96) Just because Bright is a doctor does not mean that he ''is'' [[Series/DoctorWho the Doctor]], no matter how many British men he possesses.\\
96.1) [[ImmortalityInducer No,]] [[BodySurf SCP-963]] is not proof against this.\\
96.2) Nor is any structure that results from placing [[BiggerOnTheInside SCP-184]] inside of a police call box.\\
96.3) Tying up female members of the staff and calling them "companions" is right out.\\
101) Dr. Bright is not allowed to plant SCP-2383-J into science labs. We're still picking up complaints from the office of Stephen Hawking.\\
101.1) No, not even for the good of "SCIENCE"\\
101.2) Or even as "[[TabletopGame/{{Warhammer 40000}} Science for the Science God]]". [[AGodAmI Dr. Bright is also not allowed to refer to himself as such either]].\\
104) Yes, empirical evidence is the foundation of science. Yes, blind faith is the death of reason. No, this does not logically imply that Dr. Rights is ethically obligated to demonstrate the existence of her breasts under laboratory conditions.\\
109) Dr. Bright cannot change the standard issue D-Class uniform to [[RedShirt black pants with a red polo shirt.]]\\
118) No matter how many times he photoshops himself into a picture of SCP-682, and no matter how many Australians he possesses, Bright is not, and never was, the "Series/CrocodileHunter".\\
118.3) Nor does every SCP/D-Class "really hate it when you jam your thumb up their bum".\\
118.3.1) And he is not allowed to do that "Right naow!"\\
118.5) Claiming to survive the detonation of an [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2558-j SCP-2558-J-Ex]] does not make him a lion tamer, either.\\
127) Dr. Bright is not allowed to use [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-587 SCP-587]] to re-enact the locker scene from ''Film/MenInBlack'', nor play Godzilla with its inhabitants.\\
138) Dr. Bright may not put "A cup of orgasm" from SCP-294 through SCP-914 on the Very Fine setting.\\
138.1) Dr. Bright may not use SCP-294 to create a "cup of memetic orgasm" and use it on worldwide television.\\
138.5) Dr. Bright is not permitted to use SCP-294 to create orgasms of any kind, memetic, sentient or otherwise.\\
138.6) Given the results of requesting a cup of "Dear God No", Dr.Bright is no longer allowed to use SCP-294 directly or outside of approved testing.\\
138.6.5) Given that he asked another staff member to request a "[[MadeOfExplodium Cup of Explodium]]" from SCP-294 to "see what would happen", Dr Bright is not allowed to ask other staff members to access [=SCPs=] for him, no matter how instructive, funny or helpful the results would be. The only exception to this is SCP-963.\\
173) ''Excessive'' force is not the same as ''the'' [[StarWars Force]], therefore using it does not make Dr. Bright a Jedi.\\
192) Dr. Bright may not attempt to neutralize SCP-682 using "[[ThePowerofFriendship the Power of Friendship]]", "[[ThePowerofLove the Power of Love]]", [[ThePowerOfActing or]] [[ThePowerOfBlood any]] [[ThePowerOfRock other]] [[HeartIsAnAwesomePower sort]] [[ThePowerOfHate of]] [[ThePowerOfIndex "Power"]] which has not been proven to actually exist.\\
196) SCP-963 is not a '[[Anime/PuellaMagiMadokaMagica soul gem]]', and despite what he might say, making a contract with Dr. Bright will not turn you into a 'MagicalGirl'.\\
196.1) Not even if he includes a 'magical girl outfit'.\\
203) The Serpent's Hand is not a synonym for [[ADateWithRosiePalms masturbation]].\\
208) Playing the song "[[Music/MichaelJackson Thriller]]" in the presence of [[OurZombiesAreDifferent SCP-008 victims]] is expressly forbidden.\\
208.1) Letting out SCP-008 victims and punching them "to simulate VideoGame/{{Minecraft}}" is also forbidden.\\
208.2) Pushing several agents in front of SCP-008 victims "to simulate Franchise/ResidentEvil" [[OverlyLongGag is not a valid excuse, either.]]\\
208.3) [[BlackComedy Dr. Bright is no longer allowed near victims of SCP-008.]]\\
218) Dr. Bright is not to use this list as a resume.\\
222) [[http://www.scpcbgame.com/ Dr. Bright is not allowed to make freeware games based on contained objects and release them onto the internet.]]\\
226.2) Dr. Bright is politely asked to stop referring to staff/19 incident [=BA114=] as "[[ShoutOut Miracle]] [[Series/TorchwoodMiracleDay Day]]", "The Day I Died and Went to Heaven", "A Thing of Beauty and Grace" or "Every Day in a Perfect World"\\
236). [[TheyKilledKennyAgain Dr. Bright is not Kenny. We also ask new researchers (and Bright) to stop referring to him/self as such.]]
** Also in there are Dr. Bright's 'wrong' mottos for SCP Foundation which gives such gems as "Stab Carrion Powerfully," "Let's use it on 682!" "Can we put it through 914?", "[[WeHaveReserves Throw D-Class at it until it stops.]]" and "That's it, you're on Keter."
*** Not ''all'' of them are completely opposed, however...
----> 71.9) "Someone is getting stabbed."
----> 71.9.1) But some days, it should be.
** Remember the "682 on Iris" bit mentioned? [[RuleThirtyFour Someone actually wrote it.]] [[http://pastebin.com/qjmKSRLd Yes, really.]] NSFW, obviously.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/chowderclef Chowderclef.]] CHOWDER FOR THE CHOWDERCLEF! POTATOES FOR THE SPUD THRONE!
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/bees Bees]].[[note]]My god.[[/note]] The funniest part of that was that it is mentioned at the bottom that this is the ''most accurate'' account of Incident [BLANK]. Makes you wonder what other accounts looked like...
* Remember, SCP is Special Containment Procedures. [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/system:page-tags/tag/shark-punching-center#pages SPC is]]... [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/10-30-a-m something]] [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/spc-3284-j else]].
--> "You will punch sharks. When not punching sharks, you will be planning on punching sharks. You will be developing new ways to punch sharks. You will read about punching sharks. You will write about punching sharks. You will study punching sharks. You will ''dream'' about punching sharks. You will ''[[JumpingTheShark jump]]'' [[IncrediblyLamePun the shark]]. You will collect and contain paranormal objects, and then use them to ''[[ImprovisedWeapon beat up sharks]].''"
** If you just read the previous two entries here, you would probably like to know that someone wants to do a Sharks vs. Bees crossover.
** One more, [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/how-the-spc-ruined-halloween How the SPC Ruined Halloween]].
--->''Under no circumstances should this shark be kicked, as it may kick back.''
** [[PerspectiveFlip They also have]] [[http://spc-wiki.wikidot.com/ a mini-wiki]].
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/run-away-forevurrr This odd story]] is pretty entertaining, but the real hilarity comes in the discussion page. After some conversing, Clef (the real guy, not the Foundation character) challenges another user to write a story titled "Poopstick [=McGee=] and the Flying Walruses". The user aptly replies:
--> '''[=TroyL=]''': ... [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/poopstick-mcgee-and-the-flying-walruses Challenge accepted]].\\
'''Dr. Clef''': [[GoneHorriblyRight Oh God.]]
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-k9-j-ex SCP-K9-J-EX]] definitely counts. [[spoiler: It's essentially an episode of Franchise/ScoobyDoo described like any other SCP]]
-->Rooby rooby [REDACTED] - Agent Mu 4-5
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2006-j SCP-2006-J]] is an EldritchAbomination who thinks it's a MagicalGirl as a result of watching too many magical girl anime. Its TransformationSequence killed several people from the sight of it, blinded 38 people, [[Franchise/SailorMoon caused the Sailor Scouts to shriek 'KAWAII' before exploding into rainbow dust,]] and left a doctor into a coma. It also wants to fight crime, and does so by "punishing" D-Class. Don't ask.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-2383-j-t SCP-2383-J's experiment report]]. This SCP's effect is to force people to make "experiments" and create crazy items that vary in nature depending on what color the liquid contained in the SCP's is. One of the results is a crossbow that gives random effects to the bolts it shoots. At one point, the researcher testing it unwittingly does a Franchise/FinalFantasy-style LimitBreak, [[CriticalHit complete with the number 9999 appearing on the target]] at the end of the attack, the target [[EverythingFades disappearing]] and [[MoneySpider money appearing on the ground]] after its "defeat".
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-even-number-j SCP-[Even Number]-J]] is an SCP-Foundation Mad Libs
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-727-j SCP 727-J]], i.e. the sun itself. This has resulted in numerous attempts to extinguish the sun.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-095-j SCP-095-J]], also known as that one text font, [[spoiler:Comic Sans]].
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-001-j SCP-001-J]], aka the BigRedButton.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-682-j SCP-682-J]], the funny version of the SCP-682 document.
** Speaking of which: There is one thing that can kill 682. [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/kill-682 Drunk driving.]]
* [[http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-789-j SCP-789-J]], "The butt ghost". Written by an 11-year-old boy, of course.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1994-j SCP-1994-J]]. Basically, it's an SCP article as written by a very excited dog, regarding a [[spoiler: tennis ball.]]
** "what's that motherfuckin' mailman doing here... yeah, you better go away. motherfucker."
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-666-and-a-half-j SCP-666½-J]] is a crab-stuffed mushroom entrée. An ''[[LethalChef apocalyptically bad]]'' crab-stuffed mushroom entrée. It has the dubious honor of being the only thing that could make SCP-682 ''commit suicide''.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-5555-j SCP-5555-J]], aka "The Chibinator", is a device that makes miniature {{flanderiz|ation}}ed versions of [=SCPs=] and staff members. The entire experiment log is hilarious, but the very last line takes it all:
-->[[spoiler:Accidentally blinked. Mini-173 tried to strangle my penis. I quit.]]
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1212-j SCP-1212-J]] has a masterful use of LeaningOnTheFourthWall, with a Foundation scientist critiquing an artifact ''as if he's posting on the actual website''... much to his colleague's annoyance and confusion.
--> '''Scientist 1:''' "Yeah. Downvote for pointless dark matter."\\
'''Scientist 2:''' "It [dark matter] HAS been proven to exist! WE just proved it exists! You're scientists! Why aren't you shitting your pants with excitement?!"\\
'''Scientist 1:''' "That's another thing. Your tone. It's really off. I don't believe a scientist would really say that in an official interview. I'm afraid it's downvote for me."\\
'''Scientist 2:''' "WHAT THE FUCK IS A DOWNVOTE?!!!"
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-999-j SCP-999-J]], a fat man who teleports wearing nothing but a speedo that he can seemingly pull anything out of. To give a taste, this is the entire Containment Procedure:
-->SCP-999-J is currently uncontainable, but if anyone figures out how to contain the bastard they better fucking tell O5-█ right now. Seriously people ASAP.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/local--files/scp-4263-j/Keter_A.jpg Can't contain this Keter ass.]]
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-649-2568-j SCP-649-2568-J]]. Try to figure out where it's going before opening that last interview log.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-7143-j SCP-7143-J]], who causes all who see it to become smitten with it, both romantically and sexually, with notes from several researchers proclaiming how attractive it is. It's also a ''[[CargoShip doorknob]]''.
--> '''Researcher Axwell''': I invited him out for drinks last week. Kind of gave me the cold shoulder, but he's pretty far out of my league anyway. Pretty dreamy though, don't you think?
--> '''Dr. Lee''': I've been working on my pickup lines, here, listen! "Hey baby, why don't you and me go turn in for the night?" Get it? Turn in? Because… turning? Guys?
--> '''Researcher Chambers''': Man, I would fuck the shit out of that doorknob.
--> ''Note: Data expunged, holy shit. What the fuck is wrong with you people? -[[OnlySaneMan Dr. Clef]]''
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1333-j SCP-1333-J!]]-[[NoIndoorVoice THE SCREAMING MAN!]]: Object Class Enochian, Foundation Dreadlords required for containment, [[BreadEggsMilkSquick and cavernous nostrils]].
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-100000-j SCP-100000-J]]-[[ThereIsNoKillLikeOverkill Procedure 110-Overkill]]: The containment procedures require three separate hermetically sealed sarcophagi, [[TheReasonYouSuckSpeech a constant live feed of personal verbal attacks]], a 100km radius exclusion zone, the ground bones of saints, a deaf ogre, 50 copies each of various religious scriptures (as well as [[RichardDawkins The God Delusion]]), launching intruders into the Sun, [[DidYouJustFlipOffCthulhu flipping off the Sun]], and supermassive black hole generators.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-7000-j SCP-7000-J]], a reality-bending entity that is summoned with CanisLatinicus and [[JackassGenie won't grant your wishes the way you'd expect]].
** And, of course, what happens when the Foundation [[RunningGag tries to kill SCP-682]] with it:
--> ''SCP-682 unharmed; text generated in clouds over Site-58: "FUCKUS THATUS SHITUM"''
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-231-j SCP-231-J]], The Foundation's [[MundaneMadeAwesome terrible credit rating]], and the reveal that SCP-231 is actually a [[EvilDebtCollector debt collector]] for a debt caused by a doctor being loaned $2 for a soda. [[spoiler: Said debt steadily increases from 2 dollars, to $493,026.34, to $50,936,299,102.49, 500 human souls, two truckloads of diamonds, the blood of a virgin, and "a goddamn pony". The last time the Foundation is informed about it, the debt has increased to "[DATA EXPUNGED].53 dollars, 700 trillion human souls condemned eternally to the sadistic pleasure-pits of [DATA EXPUNGED], ownership of 53 individual timelines of the Multiverse, and one 'goddamn pony'." Talk about an interest rate. There's also the reveal of expunged content in 231, such as 110-Montauk being just throwing money in a passive-aggressive way.]]
** More specifically, 231-J relates to the debt itself, and is classed as Keter, much like the real 231. The Foundation's credit rating is a secondary SCP further down. What's its classification? [[spoiler:''Apollyon.'']]
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-404-j SCP-404-J]] explains why God allows so many bad things to exist in the world, what is wrong with humanity and probably why has He forsaken us long ago.
--> '''Special Containment Procedures:''' As attempts to manually alter the text of SCP-404-J have proved futile, twice-hourly tactical nuclear strikes are to continue on SCP-404-J until it has been successfully neutralized. As such, Foundation personnel, combat task forces, and civilians may only come within 100 km of SCP-404-J after signing a mortality waiver.
--> (...)
--> '''PLANET ERF!'''

--> '''by !Jehovah'''
--> '''[ Rating: -5922 | + | - ]'''
** The comments resemble a threatened SCP page, with the users being disguised versions of the site's {{Eldritch Abomination}}s.
* [[http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-1950-J SCP-1950-J]]. The Foundation ended up locking up a DisneyPrincess.
[[/folder]]



This list shows the last 10 events of 701. Show all.
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