"Touch-tone menu systems are expressly designed to obstruct genuine assistance; it's really sort of the point. It isn't hard to believe that there is a scheming, disembodied intellect responsible for your pain. In fact, it's superior to the alternative, which is that another human being designed it, made it like a cage to catch you."Thank you for calling the TV Tropes Wiki. To describe or edit a trope, please press "1." To describe or edit a work, please press "2." To describe or edit a creator or person, please press "3." To describe or edit an index, please press "4." To contact a TV Tropes character, please press "5." To hear the list again, please press "6." >1< To describe a new trope, please press "1." To edit a pre-existing trope, please press "2." >1< Please wait. (Eight minutes, thirty point two seconds of on-hold music, interspersed with "Your call is important to us, please continue to hold...") Thank you for waiting. Please name your trope. >For Inconvenience, Press "1"< Thank you. Please begin trope description at the sound of the tone. >BEEP< If you would like to speak to an actual person that is just as annoying as this recording, press The Operators Must Be Crazy.
— Tycho, "Attack of the Bacon Robots!" Penny Arcade
A character tries calling a number for some important information. Unfortunately, said number has an Interactive Voice Response (IVR) system. Hilarity Ensues. While sometimes this is a string of awkward waits, pauses and irrelevances, sometimes this is inverted by one of the options (usually the third) being ''exactly'' what the caller want to find out about, with a ridiculous degree of accuracy. On the other hand, sometimes it's taken to the extreme with a string of "You have chosen [X]. If this is correct, press [Y]," options (with each subsequent one asking you to confirm that your last confirmation was correct). Frequently, a caller may be placed on a Ridiculously Long Phone Hold before reaching an operator.
For examples, Press Open/Close All Folders
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Press 1 for Advertising
- One commercial in Ally Bank's series of "Even kids know it's wrong to..." commercials parodies this.
"For broccoli, say 1. For toys, say 2."
- Discover cards has an ad campaign depicting a Ruritanian man who calls himself "Peggy" as a customer service employee in some backwoods call center, who gives callers absolutely no help whatsoever.
- Allstate's "Mayhem" campaign has gotten in on the act.
- A commercial for Chase banks had a man pressing a button on his phone thinking it was a recording. He is relieved to know that there is an actual teller on the other line.
- A radio ad promoting Washington Mutual's "no fee" banking services depicted the telephone tree of a fictional competitor called "Disregard National Bank." The customer who dialed Disregard's phone tree listened to a lengthy list of options, all of which involved paying fees in some way. "To set up a fee payment schedule, press 2," "To pay a late fee on fees past due, press 3," and so on. The customer was eventually given the option to speak to a live person by pressing 5, only to have the IVR add as a postscript, "Please note that a fee will be charged for pressing 5."
Press 2 for Comic Books
- When Too Much Coffee Man travels to the future, he discovers that trials are now conducted through Interactive Voice Responders
"For a plea of innocence, press one. For a plea of guilty, press two."
"Innocent plea entered. Processing... Due to a preponderance of evidence, you are found guilty of everything. You're sentenced to life in prison. For appeal, press one."
"Appealing... Appeal denied."
- Blue Beetle once needed to reach Max Lord in an emergency but had to suffer through the Superbuddies answering machine service.
"Thank you for calling the Superbuddies hotline! To report a crisis situation, press one now! To report a super-villain sighting, press two now! For a listing of local retail outlets carrying licensed Superbuddies merchandise — or to order by phone — press three n—"
- In My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic (IDW) Twilight's attempt to reach Celestria only to get a letter back, which reads like an automated message, explaining she's away.
Twilight: I've been...form lettered!
Press 3 for Comic Strips
- One Dilbert strip shows Dilbert stuck on one of these lines. By the final panel he's gotten a hammer and is about to smash the receiver.
- A Sally Forth (Howard) strip features her husband recording an answering machine message with a set of "Press X" options, finishing with the statement, approximately: "Press any button you like. The whole point of Voicemail is that we don't want to talk to you." He'd started off by asking Sally if his voice sounded unfriendly enough.
- Garfield — "If you'd like pepperoni, press one."
- This happened once in the Finnish newspaper comic Viivi & Wagner. In one strip, Wagner calls the insurance company, only to hear this:
"You have reached voicemail. If you want music, press one. If you're pissed, press two. If you want service, forget it."
- Curtis has the title character's father attempt to contact some organization via phone. After getting increasingly frustrated, he screams into the phone "If you'd like to come over with a can of gasoline and burn us to the ground, please press...!" only to have the automated response parrot it back to him.
- Sherman in Sherman's Lagoon has gotten stuck on phone technical support services before. In one sunday he works as the technical support for a company, but has no idea what they do or what they make. Callers have to navigate hundreds of automated menus, and most get caught in an infinite loop. The few that do make it to Sherman all say the same thing;
"FINALLY! I'M TALKING TO A HUMAN!"
Press 4 for Fan Works
- The Good Omens Fan Fic Great are the Myths puts a case of this in Heaven's waiting room when the demon Crowley pays a visit:
"... Konnichiwa. Bonjour."
In the corridors of Heaven, Crowley stared. "Bloody hell," he muttered, "I thought we came up with this."
"Welcome to Heaven," said the voice. "If you are a terrestrial agent, please press one. If you are recently deceased, please press two. If you are an invading demon army, please press three. If you have had your fingers cut off, please bash your head or other appendage against the keypad, and someone will be along to help you momentarily."
- In Shadowjack Watches Sailor Moon Episode 99 has a frustrated Rei trying to get clarity on her dreams from the sacred flames. Instead what she gets is this.
Fire: <<You have reached Heaven's Help Line. If you know which of the eight million you wish to speak to, please chant their extension, followed by the word, 'amen', now. If you have a dying prayer, please chant, 'one', now. If you are a god, please chant, 'two', now. If you are following up on a previous prayer, please chant, 'three', now. Para servicios en español—>>
- Plan 7 of 9 from Outer Space. Captain Proton tries to contact the Space Rangers during a robot uprising, and finds himself stuck on hold because everyone else is doing the same.
Press 5 for Films
- Played around with in Demolition Man, where the following line is said by an actual person:
Policeman: Greetings and salutations. Welcome to the San Angeles Emergency Line. If you would like an automated response, please press "1" now.
- Subverted in Small Soldiers: Alan tries to tell the phone operator about the rampaging toys but she can only spout out rehearsed responses (she also calls him a "ma'am"). Eventually an exasperated Alan says, "Is there a machine I can talk to? Just patch me over to a machine, please."
- In The Grinch, when the Grinch returns to his cave, he checks his answering machine, which has this outgoing message, "If you utter so much as one syllable I'll hunt you down and GUT YOU LIKE A FISH! If you'd like to fax me press the star key." Needless to say, he doesn't get many voice mails.
- Brave plays the gag with a witch's cauldron, using vials of potions instead of numbers.
- Get Smart has a scene where the Big Bad calls the White House to extort a few billion dollars from the US government in exchange for not releasing nuclear weapons' arming codes to several crazy dictators. He gets caught by one of these.
Phone system: You have reached the United States Department of Homeland Security. For threats against the continental United States, press 1. For threats against Hawaii, press 2. For threats against Puerto Rico...
Siegfried: You know, you're the only person I know who snores when he's awake.
Phone system: If you're calling from a rotary...
- In Paddington, when Mr Brown tries to call The Authorities.
Female voice: Thank you for holding. Your call is...Male voice: MODERATELYFemale voice: ...important to us.
- The Terminator. Played for Drama when Sarah Connor is trying to call the police from Tech Noir. When she finally gets through to Detective Traxler, she begs him not to put her on hold or transfer her to another department.
- Twice in Burn After Reading does Linda have some trouble with the computer voice on the phone not understanding her instructions.
Remain on the line to hear Jokes
- Hello, welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.
- If you are Obsessive Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
- If you are Co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
- If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
- If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
- If you are Delusional, press 7, your call will be transfered to the Mothership.
- If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
- If you are Depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.
- If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
- If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound Button until a representative comes on the line.
- Alternatively: "...Please fidget with the Pound Button until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep."
- If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.
- If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.
- If you have Bi-Polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
- If you have short-term memory loss, please try your call again later.
- Alternatively: "If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9."
- If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are too busy to talk to you.
- If you are agoraphobic, please stay on the line to make an in-person appointment at our national office in New York City.
Press 6 for Literature
- In Christopher Moore's Bloodsucking Fiends Jody gets one of these after she gets attacked by a vampire and tries to contact the police.
- The Bastard Operator from Hell seems to have some experience making these. He and the PFY have discussed making recursive ones in at least one story.
- The Cathedral of Life has a very unhelpful phone system in The Visitation.
Press 7 for Live-Action TV
- Fonejacker: "Hello and welcome to the Flat Line. Is it a... HOUSE or a... FLAT you are interested in?"
- One episode of Married... with Children subjected Al Bundy to this trope when he called an auto parts dealer to find an alternator for the Dodge. As just one example of what he had to sit through, after six hours on the phone:
"If your car is a Pacer, press 61. If your car is a Studebaker, press 62. If your car is a Hudson Hornet, press 63..."
- About halfway through the call, the automated voice chirpily greets Al by name, as it's apparently asked so many questions about his car that it's now narrowed the potential callers down to just him. And then to make matters worse, when Al finally got through to a live operator, he had to go get his credit card... and Kelly comes in and hangs up the phone while he's away, forcing him to start all over again. Is it any wonder Al dies of bleeding stomach ulcers by the time he's sixty? Since the rest of the episode was a Field of Dreams parody, the episode ends with the line, "If you build it they will come. If you want them to build it for you Press 1 now."
- One Frasier episode has a frustrated Martin attempt to navigate one of these, made even worse by the fact that the options were voice-activated ("PER-SON-AL."). Frasier attempts to enter a code that he heard will get you straight to an operator. It doesn't succeed, but he does manage to qualify for a small-business loan. If he's remembering his high-school Spanish correctly.
- In Angel, the Wolfram and Hart intercom seems to frequently misdirect people. Given that the options on their tree range from "I need legal representation" to "I'd like to sacrifice my first-born son to a demon," this has caused some uncomfortable moments.
"You have reached ritual sacrifice. For goats, press one, or say 'goats.'"
"To sacrifice a loved one or pet, press the pound button."
- One episode of The Nanny has Fran calling the NYPD to try to report a lost child. The first menu she gets says, "To report a murder, press 1. For mugging, press 2. For bomb threats below 34th Street, press 3. 34th Street to 72nd, press 4."
- On an episode of Seinfeld, George calls a number thinking it's the Mr. Moviefone directory, but really it's just Kramer imitating the voice. After George pushes some buttons to select a movie, Kramer realizes that he has no idea what it is and just replies (in Moviefone voice), "Why don't you just tell me the name of the movie you want to see!" At the end of the episode, the Moviefone guy arrives to take revenge for the stolen business.
- Doctor Who:
- The story "The Invasion" has the Second Doctor have to do with an automated receptionist and not enjoy it. Which Zoe later drops a Logic Bomb on.
- Happens again in "Planet of the Dead." The Doctor calls UNIT for assistance and get stuck in this ("If you want to report a UFO sighting, press one."). One of the people trapped in the bus tells the Doctor that he can get to a live person by holding 0 when he calls.
- Poor Brenda comes across a particularly absurd example of this in Le cœur a ses raisons.
- Robin Williams, in his HBO special Weapons of Self Destruction, has a whole bit devoted to this, additionally mocking imperfect speech-recognition systems:
"List city and state please." Washington, DC.
"What would you like?" Constitution Hall.
"Did you say, 'Kennedy Center'?" Nooo.... Constitution Hall.
"Did you say, 'Congressional Balls'?" No...!
...And it's such, you become like the Miracle Worker: (heavily enunciated) Constitutiooon Haaaaaaalllll...
"Did you say, 'Cocksucker'?" NO I DIDN'T SAY COCKSUCKER!
"Would you like to talk to a person?" Fuck yes!
"If you'd like to talk to a person, press 1." >1<
"If you'd like to talk to someone in English, press 2." >2<
(Mexican accent) "Are you sure you don't want to talk to someone in Spanish? Press 3." >3<
"Press 4 if you'd like to move to the next menu." >4<
"Press 5 if you're getting somewhat irritated." >5<
"Press 6 if you're my bitch." >6<
"Press 7. You know you want to." >7<
"Press 8, daddy, do it!" >8<
"Press 9!" >9<
"What are the chances of talking to a real person? ZERO! Press it!"
>BEEEP BEEEEEP BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP<
(Indian accent) "Hullo! Did you want to talk to a real person?"
- In the Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode The Starfighters, Crow gets stuck in one of these because he can't get on the Internet. When he is finally able to get someone to answer his call, he can't respond because he's in the middle of "refueling" (i.e., his beak is stuck up Servo's hoverskirt).
- Parodied when they watch "Space Travelers". After one of the astronauts dies, his wife is led to a phone and Joel quips "If you have a husband in space, press one. If you have a dead husband in space, press two."
- The King of Queens: One episode featured Kevin James' character winding up on one of these. Then he wound up in "voice-prompt hell."
- QI once had a gag of this nature. Alan's buzzer in Infantile went:
- Jeremy Clarkson on Top Gear once did a news segment on the phone parking services (replacing the cities parking meters). He tried to order a parking space using this service on the show, requiring him to put all sorts of numbers (car registration number, credit car number, number for the parking place, etc.) only for it to tell him to try again.
- Alan Partridge Mid Morning Matters had us overhear a one-sided conversation between Alan and a voice-recognising cinema booking service:
- The sketch comedy series Studio C uses this in "Background Check".
- French canadian comedy series Les Bougons has Uncle Fred try and find honest work only to realize he's once again stumbled into a corrupt and crooked workplace as he lands a job at a government call center for tax refunds. He is introduced to his job: to redirect increasingly irate callers deeper and deeper into the labyrinth of phone options and prevent them from ever reaching a live operator while everyone else at the center wastes time and slacks off. He demonstrates by showing one caller's path through the menu on his monitor.
See this guy here? He's almost reached a real person. And now... (punches on keyboard and laughs) he's right back at the start!
- Scream Queens (2015): In the episode "Mommy Dearest", when Dean Munsch tries to call 911 to report an attack by the Red Devil, she gets a recently implemented one of these, much to her annoyance. Though to be fair, an earlier episode had proved that even when the cops had an actual operator, they weren't all that useful either.
Press 8 for Music
- "Dr. Online" by Zeromancer has one for suicide center, ending "If you do not wish to die, please hang up now."
- The song "LAMC" by Tool, the entire song being a recording of one man's desperate struggle against the automated telephone response system of the Los Angeles Municipal Court. The song only increases in bizarreness as the song goes on; the selections get increasingly outlandish and the man's obvious frustration mounts (we never hear him talk, but the sounds of the button presses tell us all we need to know).
- Gotye dedicated an entire song to phone-answering robots called "Thanks for Your Time".
- From The Capitol Steps' album Four More Years in the Bush Leagues:
"Hello. You have reached the cell phone of Saddam Hussein. I'm not here right now, but your call is very important to me. If you wish to declare a fatwa, press 1 now. If you are a former body-double looking for work, press 7-11. If you are an imperialist infidel, press 666! All other calls, please stay on the line."
- "A Skit About Robots" from MC Frontalot's Secrets from the Future album ends with Frontalot threatening to stab the phone computer in the EPROM, prompting it to apologize for its misbehavior.
- The track introductions from the P.D.Q. Bach album Two Pianos Are Better than One:
If you wish to hear this work as the composer wrote it, press 1.
If you wish to hear it sung by Spanish monks who live in an isolated monastery called Our Lady of How to Package and Market Recordings, press 2.
If you wish to hear it performed by members of the Bolshoi Capitalist Ensemble, press 3.
If you wish to hear it played by caffeine addicts who bring it a good two minutes under the next longest performance, press 4.
- The "T-Bagging'" skit on Ludacris' album Chicken-n-Beer is all about this:
If you woke up with a hangover and a pair of hairy balls on your forehead, press 7.
You've just pressed 7. You've been victimized and introduced to a moral crime called teabagging. We suggest you probably hang up the phone, beat the ass of any white guys you hung out with last night, and find and destroy all photos before they appear on the Internet.
- Ray Stevens Come to the USA. Has this at the beginning. "For Spanish press 1, Portuguese 2, Arabic 3, Farsi 4, French 5 Swahili 6, German 7, Italian 8, and if you insist on English please stand by."
Press 9 for Print Media
- GAMES Magazine once had an indirect dialing maze puzzle where you had to follow the instructions exactly or get disconnected. The goal, 0, brings the news that the operator has just left.
- Linwood Barclay subverts this in one of his Toronto Star columns. He needs to call Revenue Canada and ask if he owes interim tax payments. He fully expects to be put on hold for a long time, encounter a frustrating voicemail menu, and get transferred between several employees before he finds one who can actually answer his question. Instead, a polite human operator picks up the phone promptly, answers his questions right away, and tells him he doesn't need to make interim payments. He is utterly shocked that a government agency could be this efficient and that they don't even want his money. At the end of the column, he quips that he's going to tell his Alien Abduction story next because that story at least has a ring of truth to it.
Use a rotary dial for Radio
- One of Jeremy Hardy's rants on The News Quiz:
If you ring up HMRC, or indeed anything, you get a range of options. "If you would like to spend more money, listen to the numbers we're about to say out loud. If this call is of a random nature and connected to nothing, press 1. If you don't know the answer to what we're asking you press 2. If you're worried that life is pointless and at some time you'll probably want to kill yourself, press 3. If you like listening to Vivaldi's Four Seasons for five hours, press 5. If you can't count properly, press 8."
Press 0 for Tabletop Games
- Paranoia. Ah, Paranoia...
User Desmond-O-NTY is not available. This call has been forwarded to an automated voice system. (...) To confess to treason, please press 1. To accuse the citizen you are calling of treason, please press 2. (...) To answer the survey on the new Bouncy Bubble Beverage, please press 4. For global thermonuclear war, please press 5. If you know the number of the extension you are trying to reach, press octothorpe and star simultaneously, then 3 several times quickly and follow the voice instructions. For more options. For more options, please press eleventeen. Eleventeen. For more oprionts. Options. General protection fault. This device will self destruct in ten seconds...
Press "Start" for Video Games
- A puzzle in Zork: Grand Inquisitor involves figuring out the automated service on the "Hades Shuttle Courtesy Phone" to summon Charon's boat, which features instructions like "To press 3, please press 7." One can figure out how to navigate it normally (which takes a while), or use the Simplify Instructions spell "Kendall".
"Press the * Key for 'What is all this? I just want to call the damn shuttle. Is that so much to ask?'"
- There's even a key you can press to make the entire instruction list be recited backwards. And it works. Subtitles and all. (Talk about a Crowning Moment of What the Hell... literally.)
- A puzzle in Syberia involves using a canal mechanism to allow a boat to tow the spring-loaded train to the winding mechanism. Unfortunately, it requires a numeric password and the only apparent help is a phone that leads to one of these... that serves as no help whatsoever. The way to know the code is to remember what the last two buttons you had pushed during the call were, and use them as the code. (Humorously, it turns out to be 42).
- Strong Bad's Cool Game for Attractive People
"SAY ONE, TWO OR THREE!"
- In Episode One, attempting to call Bubs using Homestar's phone results in a phone tree. Strong Bad quickly hangs up because "You can't prank a phone tree. Besides, the last time I navigated Bubs' TeleStand, I wound up with a crate full of rhino horns... and not even the endangered kind!"
- The fifth episode features a couple of very-low-tech computer programmers pretending to be an automated phone service. Their options for "one," "two," and "three" aren't helpful, so you have to say "four" in order to get anywhere, even though they didn't even have an option four.
- In Ratchet & Clank Future, Ratchet attempts to gain entrance to Captain Qwark's HQ while being pursued by robots intent on destroying him, ultimately failing due to the intercom in the main entrance having one of these.
- Bob Bell from the Sam & Max: Freelance Police games by Telltale Games talks like this at times, being a sentient telephone who talks like a smarmy phone-tree announcer.
- In Destroy All Humans! 2, you can use the phone not only to increase or decrease your infamy, but to simply prank call the police.
- Portal 2: "If you have questions or concerns regarding this policy, or require a Spanish version of this message, feel free to take a complimentary piece of stationary, and write us a letter."
- One of the collectible phone numbers you can get in The Darkness game:
Operator: "If someone is currently stabbing you, press 4."
- In PAYDAY 2, Guest Fighter Jacket communicates through pre-recorded messages. When he answers a pager, he uses one of these. It does not rouse Pager Guy's suspicions any more than the rest of the crew's responses.
Press "Pause" for Web Media
Press * for Web Comics
- The Order of the Stick gives us the ThorPrayer© system. Which is later discontinued due to "too many people getting colon tumors by mistake."
- Schlock Mercenary has this happen during a riot.
- Another time, Legs manages to get past the machine and speak to someone useful by getting it some psychiatric help.
- Inverted in an installment of Casey and Andy, where the automated menu gives them the exact information they need. "If you're calling about the mortalization of Satan, press 3." Then again, what else would you expect from Quantum Cop's phone?
- One strip from Nobody Scores! mixes this with a nice quantum science in-joke (Schrodinger's Cat).
- Phil Likes Tacos subverted this with "Multitask phone detected. Transferring call immediately."
- Wondermark had a Mad Science style phone menu — page #651; Those Volatile Menu Options. Very hardcore.
- The Oatmeal would rather be punched in the testicles than call Customer Service.
- Evil Inc. has recurring filler comics where Lightning Lady answers calls from dissatisfied customers. And insults them a bit, they market to and employ supervillains after all.
Press 11 for Web Original
- Red vs. Blue:
Church: THERE IS NO ELEVEN, YOU FUCKING WHORE!
- This Cracked video. Pretty sure the menu is GLaDOS.
- This hoax message. If it were real, it would be a Crowning Moment of Awesome on behalf of high school teachers everywhere.
- In Brazilian website wwwdotchargesdotcomdotbr, there was a story where President Dilma Rouseff of Brazil phoned CBF (Confederação Brasileira de Futebol - Brazilian Federation of Soccer) and she got a message that, translated, means: "To criticize the Brazilian team, press one. To speak to the President (of CBF), press two. To report irregularities, turn off the phone".
- SCP Foundation has SCP-361, a device used for divining using animal organs. If a fresh sheep's liver is placed on the device, it gives increasingly complex instructions, shutting down for twenty-four hours if one is not completed. It also speaks in a language and tone tailored to the user, so to a speaker of modern English it sounds like a phone tree ("Welcome to HarusCo! Your sacrifice is very important to us! For Tinia the Thunderer, please perform a horizontal incision on the offering. For Aita of the Underworld, please perform a vertical incision. For Maris, lightly cover your offering with the ash of a dead warrior related to you by blood."). When they had SCP-1510 (the cursed spirit of a Roman soldier who is trapped in his old helmet and possesses the wearer) use the device because he is from the same general area and time period, the instructions were in Latin, and sounded like what you might expect from such a device ("Son of Romulus, speak the words thy father taught you, and your watcher will speak, his words carried by our spirit.").
- Episode 60 of Welcome to Night Vale has Cecil being put through to one of these after calling to fix the water.
- World Wide Weather has its own "Automated Response System" in Pajama Sam 2: Thunder and Lightning Aren't So Frightening. Granted, the phone itself talks. Humorously, the Complaints department is actually complaining, and the operator can't understand a word you're saying!
- Penumbra has a computer terminal near the end of the game that contains a questionnaire to activate the "Emergency Security Protocol" designed to create the last line of defense in the event of a crisis situation. But if you get all of the proper criteria filled, the program says, "Sorry, the facility is currently in a state of emergency, so the Emergency Security Protocol cannot be engaged."
Press # for Western Animation
- The Simpsons
- In the episode "Bart of Darkness," a "Rear Window" Homage, Bart thinks Ned Flanders killed his wife and sees Ned arrive while Lisa is investigating. Bart tries calling the police...
Voice: Hello, and welcome to the Springfield Police Department Rescue Phone. If you know the name of the felony being committed, press 1. To choose from a list of felonies, press 2. If you are being murdered or calling from a rotary phone, please stay on the line.
(Bart growls and punches some numbers at random)
Voice: You have selected regicide. If you know the name of the king or queen being murdered, press 1.
(Bart slams the phone)
- In "King-Size Homer," when Homer attempts to call the nuclear plant to warn them of an impending disaster (listen here):
Voice: The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now."
- And in "Home Sweet Home-Diddly-Dum-Doodly," Homer and Marge try to call their kids while in foster care, only to get an automated message stating that the Flanders' phone number can't be reached and ends with, "You negligent monster!"
- Another gag is that whenever a family member is put on hold, the music that plays relates to whatever problem they have, causing them to break down in tears. Examples include Marge calling the mental institution to which Homer has been committed in "Stark Raving Dad" and having to listen to an easy-listening version of Patsy Cline's "Crazy", or Homer calling the missing child hotline after Maggie runs away in "Homer Alone" and being subjected to Player's "Baby Come Back".
- In "The City of New York Vs Homer Simpson".
Operator 1: Thank you for calling the parking regulations bureau. To plead not guilty, press '1' now.
(Homer presses 1)
Operator 1: Thank you. Your plea has been:
Operator 2: REJECTED.
Operator 1: You will be assessed the full fine plus a small:
Operator 2: LARGE LATENESS PENALTY.
Operator 1: Please wait by your vehicle between 9am and 5pm for Parking Officer Steve:
Operator 2: GRABOWSKI.
(Homer hangs up)
- In the episode "Bart of Darkness," a "Rear Window" Homage, Bart thinks Ned Flanders killed his wife and sees Ned arrive while Lisa is investigating. Bart tries calling the police...
- South Park: Kenny dying (as usual) and being embalmed with Worcester sauce in a freak accident creates a Zombie Apocalypse. When the boys call the helpline on the sauce bottle, the third option is "If your town is being overrun by zombies..."
- Happened on SpongeBob SquarePants, where Spongebob and Squidward thought the town was being overrun by robots. Spongebob tries to call the Navy for help, triggering the following dialogue:
Voice Message: Hello! You have reached the Navy's automated phone service.
SpongeBob: Squidward, the robots have taken over the navy!
Squidward: Not the NAVY!!!
- House of Mouse
Automated answering service: To order a computer, press 1. If you can't press 1 because you're still using one of those old rotary phones... you're a dweeb.
- One episode has Mickey, Donald Duck, and Goofy attempting to deal with an automated greeting service in front of the phone company. Mickey follows the instructions given to him to the letter but gets nowhere. Donald tries to mess with the system and it decides that Donald wants to pay his bill, followed by a mechanized arm trying to take Donald's beak. When they take it off the wall and try to destroy it, it says "If you really want to smash me, stomp harder!"
- In the short "computer.don," Donald tries to buy and install a computer after Daisy accuses him of being old-fashioned and calls him a dweeb. He calls the computer company and receives this message:
- In the Rugrats episode "Naked Tommy," Didi tried to call Lipschitz's hotline for advice on how to deal with Tommy running around nude only to have her wait until "press 9" which only gave her a recorded message what has already been written on his books and charged Didi for every minute she waited on his hotline.
- In an episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Carl loses both of his arms, and attempts to call the hospital using only his tongue. The automated message refers him to a ridiculously long number.
- The Penguins of Madagascar, "An Elephant Never Forgets." A man is confronted by Burt the elephant and calls Animal Control:
Voice: You have reached the Animal Control Hotline. If you know the name of the animal trying to eat you, please say it now.
Man: Elephant! El-e-phant! Elephant!!
Voice: You said Everglades pygmy sunfish. First, step out of the bayou and onto dry land.
- And later, when the penguins arrive...
Man: Now it's penguins?
Voice: You said Peruvian milk snake.
- On American Dad!, Roger and Steve call a company to complain about a shoddy novelty product they bought. They are left on hold for what is implied to be days when they finally reach voice mail. But when Steve asks for billing, the machine reroutes them to Barbara Billingsley (of June Cleaver and Jive-talking Lady fame).
- Taz-Mania: Taz gets caught in a loop of these in "Taz in Keeweeland" when calling a hotline for help catching the Keewee bird. The complex process of navigation always ends with him being instructed to press the 'pound' key, at which point the Keewee pops out of the handset and pounds him on the head with a mallet.
- Cartoon Network aired a commercial for Dexter's Laboratory in The '90s that revolved around this gag.
- The episode "Voice Over", involving Dexter having no patience for his computer fixing her own voice chip, makes one alteration after another with his wrench, and one of the resulting voices is an entirely useless loud male voice that is this trope, keypad and all.
- There's an entire episode of The Garfield Show dedicated to this joke.
- Undergrads: A character attempting to reach his school's Financial Aid office ends up enrolling in Ancient Roman History 101 and buying two tickets to "Annie Get Your Gun" instead.
- One episode of Regular Show has Muscle Man attempt to get the song he wrote for his girlfriend on the radio. He calls the station and he gets what he thinks is the automatic service. He presses the number 0—which normally lets you talk to an operator—but the automatic service continues to be on the line. He keeps pressing the number 0 in hope that he'll talk to someone but to no avail, resulting in him smashing the phone towards the table. This is the first hint that there's something wrong at the station.
Throw the phone against a wall for Real Life
- Verizon customer support. Even if you get to talk to an actual person, they'll just redirect your call back to the menu, which competes with House of Leaves in labyrinthine magnitude. A lot of Verizon support vendor operators actually don't have access to billing information for security reasons. If you ask them to, they'll usually stay conferenced on the line with you to walk you through whatever automated system you need to navigate to complete your transaction.
- Writer Veronica Belmont posted an 8-minute-long clip of her husband wrestling with a Comcast customer service rep while trying to cancel their cable subscription. Apparently Time Warner is just as bad.
- A medical center on Staten Island has a particularly bad example. They ask you to press one to speak English, so you do — and then they switch you to the Spanish menu!
- metroPCS has one better. The computer voice sarcastically confirms every selection you make. Never you mind the fact that it always makes you pay your balance, even if it is not due.
- UPS is almost like a Sierra game. If you call their customer service and state that you do, in fact, have a tracking number, it's into the labyrinth with you!
- A former menu item in the National Discount Brokers phone service:
- Thankfully, an aversion exists in these kinds of services which recognize voice commands in addition to/in lieu of pressing whatever number key on the phone. In this case, the quickest way to speak to a live operator is to just say "Operator!" at every recording until an operator picks up.
- You can usually also skip the menus that don't recognize voice by just hammering '0' over and over until the system gives up.
- Unfortunately, many operators now have a script and flowchart that they have to stick to, making them just as frustrating to deal with as an IVR.
- Of course if you happen to have a strong accent it is played straight - the system is even less convenient.
- Xcel Energy only has phone tree options that lead to inputting your account number, even though you need to go through this tree to set up an account. Eventually, you must yell at it until it produces an operator. This operator will entirely fill out your new account, then is required to transfer you back to a different phone tree to set up the last couple things. This phone tree wants you to tell it your last name. Yes. I don't know anyone whose name it could recognize.
- Subverted by reality in that most (if not all) menu systems have a "shortcut" to an operator — typically, pressing 0 (sometimes * or #) several times will achieve this. Also — holding after the menu is usually a good thing to try. Many companies also leave the delay to accommodate those few people who don't use touch-tone phones.
- In at least one IVR system, an inarticulate noise of exasperation is one such shortcut. The recording instantly cuts off mid-sentence to connect you to an operator.
- Microsoft, on the other hand, has a particularly annoying version for their Product Activation service. In order to speak to an operator, you have to sit silently through all the options, then wait a while, then ignore another recording urging you to choose an option, then wait a while longer, and finally when you're just about ready to give up, it will ask if you want to speak to an operator.
- British bank First Direct (part of HSBC) market themselves as an aversion of this — people calling through to their main telephone banking line are put through to the first available operator immediately, with no IVR in between (HSBC themselves use an IVR, however.)
- Bank of America's phone network gives a nod to Red vs. Blue and asks those who would like to discuss their mortgages to press eleven.
- Many automated services nowadays do use numbers higher than 9 for their options. You just need to press the buttons in a sequence in order to give the number it asks—so, in the example above, if you want to press eleven you press 1 twice.
- Odeon, a cinema chain in the UK, used to have an atrocious one of these for bookings in the 90s and early 00s. It was all voice activated, and not very good. It was particularly bad at picking up place names, so often somewhere like "Hemel Hempstead" would come out as "Huntingdon" or "Hatfield" (both places, just nowhere near either Hemel Hempstead or each other) or the dreaded "I'm Sorry, I did not understand your request." Fortunately online bookings pretty much killed the service.
- The UK's somewhat ironically-named Department of Work and Pensions has a particularly annoying subversion set up if you want to claim unemployment insurance; once you've got through the surprisingly brief automated bit and spent upwards of a quarter of an hour listening to the same ninety-second segment from one of Vivaldi's Four Seasons rendered with an early 90s MIDI synthesiser and played in an endless loop, you then have to answer a long series of questions and be interrogated about your eligibility to receive Jobseeker's Allowance. The depressing part of this is that these questions are all read out by a human operator, who is forbidden from doing anything to speed the process up by skipping over some of the more unlikely items (income from property you're renting out, for example) you have to confirm that you do not in fact have, or otherwise make the process more pleasant than talking to a computer. One suspects that the DWP uses live operators because they are paid less than it would cost to operate a machine to replace them.
- The Westboro Baptist Church has an automated answering system that goes "If you're the media or calling for an interview press 1. If you're wanting more info about our church, press 2. If you're gay press 3, if you're Muslim/Jewish/any other religion press 4, if you're in the military press 5," and so on and so forth. No matter which one you choose, they deem you a "fag-enabler" and hang up.
- All three big Canadian ISPs and phone service providers (Bell, Rogers and Cogeco) are notorious about this. There are people in Cogeco's phone system whose entire job appears to be to transfer you to someone else, and you can't get anywhere in the Bell system if your address isn't in their system, and sometimes up to half a town isn't in their system. This is a big contributor to all three companies' reputations failing.
- Chile's VTR. "Press three if you have questions about the internet service". Automated recording following: "You can also go to our online service at...". And the actual operators do not understand why it doesn't make sense.
- When a woman rang Telecom New Zealand in 2008 and the IVR asked why she was calling, she replied "Greedy Telecom". The system recognised it and put her through to the debt collection department!
- Government phone numbers in America run the table. Some will give you the runaround and supply circular instructions; others lead to unattended voice mail boxes. The Social Security Administration is better. If you're on hold for a while, they'll let you leave your number, and call you when they've reached your place in the queue. The line for the IRS is akin to a Choose Your Own Adventure book. Pick the wrong branch, and it hangs up on you.
- It is sometimes possible to subvert the system entirely by ringing the bank/insurance company's/utilities company's sales number. The same company that will make you go through the numbers and still have to wait ten minutes to get customer service will unnaccountably have its dedicated sales team answer the phone immediately using a real person. you can then have an immediate conversation as follows:
Them: BarcloydsSantanNatBank of Scotland, how can I help you/can you answer a few security questions?You: Good. You can obviously access my details or you wouldn't have been able to confirm my identity.Them: Can I interest you in our..You: No. To save me hanging around on your other line, can you tell me my current balance?
Thank You. Your trope has been made. To return to the Index Page, press "1." To make a call to Fast Eddie, press two three four five. .... *BOO-BAH-BEE*
"If you'd like to make a call please hang up and try again. If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator."