Series / Quark

Quark: They're chasing us? Ficus, who are they?
Ficus: Well, commander, there are three possibilities. Either they are the dreaded Gorgons, in which we'll probably all be killed, or they're the allies of the dreaded Gorgons-
Quark: Ficus, I don't have time for long lists!
Ficus: -in which case we'll probably also be killed.
Quark: Ficus, what you're saying is that all possibilities end in our death.
— "All the Emperor's Quasi-Norms, Part 1"

Not a Ferengi bartender, nor a subatomic particle, nor a galactic president, but a 1970s sci-fi parody of Star Trek from Get Smart co-creator Buck Henry. It was basically the US-version of Red Dwarf, but with only eight episodes.

The show was set on the United Galaxies Sanitation Patrol Cruiser, a garbage scow working for the United Galaxies Space Station Perma 1. It regularly satirized Star Trek, Star Wars, 2001: A Space Odyssey, and Flash Gordon. The characters were:

  • Adam Quark: The Captain, who longs for glamorous assignments, but ends up picking up garbage bags. Often gets into adventures without meaning to.
  • The Bettys: The Bridge Bunnies, jointly second-in-command, navigators, and pilots of the ship. One of them is a clone of the other, but both insist it's the other. Both of them lust after Quark. Notably played by a pair of Doublemint gum twins.
  • Gene/Jean: Chief engineer, with the twist that he's a "transmute," with both male and female chromosomes and both sets of hormones . Thus, as Gene, he's a Jerkass, but as Jean complete with a female voice , she's a Technical Pacifist.
  • Ficus Pandorata: The Spock taken to the extremes, he's a "Vegeton," a member of sentient plant race. He always speaks with Spock Speak, has no emotions at all, cares about no one, and breeds by pollinating.
  • Andy: A Cowardly Sidekick Robot Buddy, he was basically a stupid Marvin.
  • Otto Palindrome: The Obstructive Bureaucrat who is in charge of Perma 1. He loves making Quark miserable.
  • Dink: The Non-Human Sidekick for Otto, he was basically Cousin It from The Addams Family IN SPACE.
  • The Head: The Bad Boss crossed with a giant Rubber Forehead Alien, Otto answered to him, and he frequently assigned Quark to bizarre jobs.

Quark has examples of:

  • Actor Allusion The episode "Goodbye Polumbus" was a reference to Goodbye, Columbus which actor Richard Benjamin [Quark] played the lead
  • Affectionate Parody
  • A.I. Is a Crapshoot In the last episode, their ship gets a new computer called Vanessa, while proceeds to turn crazy and try to kill them in a parody of 2001: A Space Odyssey and the Star Trek episode "The Ultimate Computer"
  • All Hail the Great God Mickey!: "My ancestors were from a tribe called 'the Americans'. Archeological digs in California indicate they worshipped, and were ruled by, a fully clothed, giant mouse."
  • Captain's Log As a parody of Star Trek, Quark had one every few minutes, often Lampshade Hanging whatever was happening
  • Cloning Blues The Bettys are both in love with Quark and don't know (or won’t say) which of them is the original .
  • Cool Starship Subverted: they travel on a garbage scow
  • Death Trap Zorgon loves these and Ficus ends one episode in one
  • Evil Overlord Zorgon the Malevolent, Most Vicious Gorgon Space Pirate and Half-Brother to the High Gorgon Himself
  • Evil Twin The whole cast except for Ficus got them when they passed through a black hole, in a parody of the Star Trek episodes "The Enemy Within" and "Mirror, Mirror"
  • Fantastic Racism: Clones and Transmutes are discriminated against. There's a social stigma against sleeping with clones, and Transmutes can be treated with outright contempt to their faces.
  • Fanservice The Bettys
  • The Force Parodied, along with Star Wars, in "May the Source Be With You."
  • Friday Night Death Slot
  • Gender-Blender Name Gene/Jean both sound the same
  • Lotus-Eater Machine In "Goodbye Polumbus," the Gorgons' machine designed to drain the minds of brilliant scientists traps the crew in their own fantasies, in a parody of the Star Trek episode "Shore Leave"
  • MacGuffin In "All the Emperor's Quasi-Norms," Zorgon demands Quark tell him where "it" is. Quark, having no idea what "it" is, lies. We never find out exactly what "it" is, but Quark ends up with a worthless rock necklace.
  • Mad Scientist's Beautiful Daughter Princess Libido, daughter of Zorgon, who wants to marry Ficus.
  • Meaningful Name Parodied - Ficus is a plant, Palindrome's first name is one, Gene/Jean has male and female chromosomes in their genes, Andy is an android, etc.
  • Multi-Armed and Dangerous In the pilot there was Interface, a four-armed alien woman who controlled communications between ships.
  • Negative Space Wedgie Couldn't avoid 'em as it parodied Star Trek.
  • Overnight Age-Up In a parody of the Star Trek episode "The Deadly Years," Quark due to some Applied Phlebotinum starts aging two years for every hour
  • Oh My Aching Head: Dealing with Quark gave “the Head” migraines “the size of a super-nova!”
  • Perpetual Poverty When Palindrome and the Head have to send a telegram to Quark in the pilot, they end up spending the entire episode arguing about the cost of sending it and trying to reduce the number of words.
  • Photoprotoneutron Torpedo: Episode 2 reveals that the crew's sidearms are called "gamma guns".
  • Planet of Hats The Gorgons are all sort of a proud warrior race that's evil, too. For example:
    "People of Spartan, this is the High Gorgon. I command your unconditional surrender. You shall be treated with compassion, honor and patience. You have twenty seconds before I blow you out of the galaxy."
  • Technobabble Satirizes it.
  • To the Batpole!: In addition to elevators and stairs, the ship has special sliding tubes that allow crew members to descend to the deck immediately below quickly.
  • Twin Threesome Fantasy Both Bettys love Captain Quark, but there's a stigma against sleeping with a clone, so since he never knew which one was a clone, he couldn't sleep with either.
  • Science Marches On Sending a telegram. In the 23rd century.
    • Despite the fact that "telegram" is an archaic term, the general principle of keeping messages short to save on costs is one that will probably be with us for many centuries to come. Today, in the early 21st century, users of cell phones typically keep text messages as short as possible so as to fall under their calling plan's texting limit, to the point of using standard abbreviations. The cost per bit of sending a transmission across interstellar distances would have to be enormous.
  • Single-Minded Twins The Bettys often said the same thing at the same time.
  • Small Annoying Creature Ergo, Quark's pet, a one-eyed blob.
  • SpaceX: All over the place.
  • Split Personality Gene/Jean.
  • Suspiciously Similar Substitute: Ficus Wasn't in the pilot - a Dr. O.B. Mudd, a crotchety one-eyed man, was. He was never seen or mentioned afterwards, though.
    • I doubt that it was, but if it was intentional, it could be seen as a reference to the fact that Kirk wasn't in the first Star Trek pilot, nor Bones in the second.
  • That's No Moon!:
    High Gorgon: I suggest you take a closer look at my space ship.
    Leader of the Spartans: A ship? We see no ship. All I see is a large maroon planet.
    High Gorgon: That is my space ship!
    Leader of the Spartans: pause Just give us a few minutes to move our things out of the palace.
  • The Unintelligible Dink spoke only with xylophone beeps.
  • Tin-Can Robot Andy.
  • You Mean X Mas: Christmas has become "Holiday Number 11".