"For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press three."
— Alice Kahn
"Dogbert Tech Support. How may we abuse you?"
— Dogbert, Dilbert
"For tech support, please press the exact value of 22 divided by 7."
— Automated Sadistic Phone System, Dilbert
"...but if you have type AB negative blood and you're tall but not blonde press the square root of 42 on your keypad..."
Church: Alright, shut up; I'm on the phone
Tucker Jr.: Honk!
Church: And do me a favor — kill that fucking thing, would you?
Tucker Jr.: Blargh...
Vic: (contact established) Hey, dudes!
Church: Vic! Hey, it's Church—
Vic: This is Vic at 555-VICK, doodily-doo! I'm not in the casito right now, so leave your lowdown at the ding dong. Hasta!
(Voice Mail beeps)
Church: Hey, Vic, this is Church. I need—
Voice Mail: You have reached the voice mail system.
Church: (disgusted sigh) Okay, okay, come on.
Voice Mail: To leave a message, just wait for the tone.
Church: I know how to leave a goddamn message.
Voice Mail: When you are finished recording, just hang up or press pound for more options.
Church: Really. Hang up. No shit! I was just gonna keep talking until he decided to check his voice mail.
Voice Mail: For delivery options, press five.
Church: Just give me the damn beep!
Voice Mail: To leave a call back number, press eight. To page this person, press six—
Church: Come on!
Voice Mail: To repeat this message, press nine.
Church: I will fucking stab you, computer-phone-lady!
Voice Mail: To mark this message as urgent, press eleven.
Church: THERE IS NO ELEVEN, YOU FUCKING WHORE!
Doc: Oooh, language!
Voice Mail: To hear these options in Spanish, press dos.
Church: I HAAAAAATE YOOOOU!
(Voice Mail beeps)
Church: Vic! It's Church! I need—
Voice Mail: I'm sorry, but this person's voicemail box is full. (disconnect)
Church: Ugh... I'm gonna kill myself. I'm gonna kill myself.
Durkon: Mighty Thor, yer humble servant asks ye for aid in me hour a' need.
ThorPrayer: Hello, and welcome to ThorPrayer. [...] If you know the name of the miracle you would like to request, chant "one" now.
ThorPrayer: Please intone the first three letters of the name of the miracle now.
Durkon: Well, I want to heal ye, so... H-E-A!
ThorPrayer: You have selected, "Heathen Smiting". If this is correct, chant "one". If not, chant "two".
ThorPrayer: You have selected, "Heat Blisters of Eternal Pain". If this is correct, chant "one". If not, chant "two".
Durkon: Two! TWO!
ThorPrayer: You have selected, "Tumor". To choose the type of tumor with which to smite Thor's enemies, chant "three" now.
Durkon: Three. No! CRAP!
ThorPrayer: You have selected, "Colon Tumor".
Elan: Umm... Could I maybe just get a potion?
Press 1 - If everything is working fine.
Press 2 - If key 3 exceeds key 5.
Press 3 - If you would like to talk to 4.
Press 5 - For support in the Azores.
Press 6 - To go further back in line.
Press 7 - To win a Hoved°ya bus ride.
Press 8 - If your broadband's gotten broader.
Press 9 - If a banjo solo is in order.
— ěystein Sunde, "Sentralbord-sangen" ("the Switchboard Song", translated from Norwegian)
Phone: This is the Unified Intelligence Taskforce. Please select one of the following four options. If you want to report a UFO sighting, press one...
Doctor: Aw, I hate these things!
Angela: No, if you keep your finger pressed on 0, you get through to a real person. Saw that on Watchdog.
- Doctor Who, "Planet of the Dead"