Quotes: For Inconvenience, Press "1"
"For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press three."
— Alice Kahn
"Dogbert Tech Support. How may we abuse you?"
"For tech support, please press the exact value of 22 divided by 7."
— Automated Sadistic Phone System
"...but if you have type AB negative blood
and you're tall but
not blonde press the square root of 42 on your keypad..."
Alright, shut up; I'm on the phone Tucker Jr.:
And do me a favor — kill that fucking thing, would you? Tucker Jr.:
Blargh... Vic: (contact established)
Hey, dudes! Church:
Vic! Hey, it's Church— Vic:
This is Vic at 555-VICK, doodily-doo! I'm not in the casito
right now, so leave your lowdown at the ding dong. Hasta! (Voice Mail beeps) Church:
Hey, Vic, this is Church. I need— Voice Mail: You have reached the voice mail system. Church: (disgusted sigh)
Okay, okay, come on. Voice Mail: To leave a message, just wait for the tone. Church:
I know how to leave a goddamn message. Voice Mail: When you are finished recording, just hang up or press pound for more options. Church:
Really. Hang up
. No shit! I was just gonna keep talking until he decided to check his voice mail. Voice Mail: For delivery options, press five
Just give me the damn beep! Voice Mail: To leave a call back number, press eight. To page this person, press six— Church:
Come on! Voice Mail: To repeat this message, press nine. Church: I will fucking stab you, computer-phone-lady! Voice Mail: To mark this message as urgent, press eleven. Church:
THERE IS NO ELEVEN, YOU FUCKING WHORE! Doc:
Oooh, language! Voice Mail: To hear these options in Spanish, press dos. Church: I HAAAAAATE YOOOOU! (Voice Mail beeps) Church:
Vic! It's Church! I need— Voice Mail: I'm sorry, but this person's voicemail box is full. (disconnect) Church:
Ugh... I'm gonna kill myself. I'm gonna kill myself
Mighty Thor, yer humble servant asks ye for aid in me hour a' need. ThorPrayer:
Hello, and welcome to ThorPrayer. [...] If you know the name of the miracle you would like to request, chant "one" now. Durkon:
Please intone the first three letters of the name of the miracle now. Durkon:
Well, I want to heal ye, so... H-E-A! ThorPrayer:
You have selected, "Heathen Smiting". If this is correct, chant "one". If not, chant "two". Durkon:
You have selected, "Heat Blisters of Eternal Pain". If this is correct, chant "one". If not, chant "two". Durkon:
Two! TWO! ThorPrayer:
You have selected, "Tumor". To choose the type of tumor with which to smite Thor's enemies, chant "three" now. Durkon:
Three. No! CRAP! ThorPrayer:
You have selected, "Colon Tumor". Durkon:
Umm... Could I maybe just get a potion?
Press 1 - If everything is working fine.
Press 2 - If key 3 exceeds key 5.
Press 3 - If you would like to talk to 4.
Press 5 - For support in the Azores.
Press 6 - To go further back in line.
Press 7 - To win a Hoved°ya bus ride.
Press 8 - If your broadband's gotten broader.
Press 9 - If a banjo solo is in order.
— ěystein Sunde
, "Sentralbord-sangen" ("the Switchboard Song", translated from Norwegian)