Quotes / For Inconvenience, Press "1"

"For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press three."
Alice Kahn

"Dogbert Tech Support. How may we abuse you?"
Dogbert, Dilbert

"For tech support, please press the exact value of 22 divided by 7."
Automated Sadistic Phone System, Dilbert

"...but if you have type AB negative blood and you're tall but not blonde press the square root of 42 on your keypad..."

Vic: This is Vic at 555-VICK, doodily-doo! I'm not in the casito right now, so leave your lowdown at the ding dong. Hasta!
(Voice Mail beeps)
Church: Hey, Vic, this is Church. I need—
Voice Mail: You have reached the voice mail system.
Church: (disgusted sigh) Okay, okay, come on.
Voice Mail: To leave a message, just wait for the tone.
Church: I know how to leave a goddamn message.
Voice Mail: When you are finished recording, just hang up or press pound for more options.
Church: Really. Hang up. No shit! I was just gonna keep talking until he decided to check his voice mail.
Voice Mail: For delivery options, press five.
Church: Just give me the damn beep!
Voice Mail: To leave a call back number, press eight. To page this person, press six—
Church: Come on!
Voice Mail: To repeat this message, press nine.
Church: I will fucking stab you, computer-phone-lady!
Voice Mail: To mark this message as urgent, press eleven.
Doc: Oooh, language!
Voice Mail: To hear these options in Spanish, press dos.
(Voice Mail beeps)
Church: Vic! It's Church! I need—
Voice Mail: I'm sorry, but this person's voicemail box is full. (disconnect)
Church: Ugh... I'm gonna kill myself. I'm gonna kill myself.

Durkon: Mighty Thor, yer humble servant asks ye for aid in me hour a' need.
ThorPrayer: Hello, and welcome to ThorPrayer. [...] If you know the name of the miracle you would like to request, chant "one" now.
Durkon: One!
ThorPrayer: Please intone the first three letters of the name of the miracle now.
Durkon: Well, I want to heal ye, so... H-E-A!
ThorPrayer: You have selected, "Heathen Smiting". If this is correct, chant "one". If not, chant "two".
Durkon: Two!
ThorPrayer: You have selected, "Heat Blisters of Eternal Pain". If this is correct, chant "one". If not, chant "two".
Durkon: Two! TWO!
ThorPrayer: You have selected, "Tumor". To choose the type of tumor with which to smite Thor's enemies, chant "three" now.
Durkon: Three. No! CRAP!
ThorPrayer: You have selected, "Colon Tumor".
Durkon: Gaah!
Elan: Umm... Could I maybe just get a potion?

Press 1 - If everything is working fine.
Press 2 - If key 3 exceeds key 5.
Press 3 - If you would like to talk to 4.
Press 5 - For support in the Azores.
Press 6 - To go further back in line.
Press 7 - To win a Hovedøya bus ride.
Press 8 - If your broadband's gotten broader.
Press 9 - If a banjo solo is in order.
Øystein Sunde, "Sentralbord-sangen" ("the Switchboard Song", translated from Norwegian)

Phone: This is the Unified Intelligence Taskforce. Please select one of the following four options. If you want to report a UFO sighting, press one...
Doctor: Aw, I hate these things!
Angela: No, if you keep your finger pressed on 0, you get through to a real person. Saw that on Watchdog.
- Doctor Who, "Planet of the Dead"