"I am Satan - Master of Flesh and Ruler of the Abyss. Many times you have summoned me, with your naked pagan dances and your sacrificial bloodlettings, but now I have chosen to manifest myself to you so that you may know my will. ... that I, Satan, thy Lord and Master do herby command all gathered here for this most profane and satanic ritual to stop now as it's embarrassing."
— Satan - Old Harry's Game Series 3, Episode 1
Old Harry's Game is a British radio comedy written and directed by Andy Hamilton. The main character is Satan (yes, that Satan), who acts like a world-weary, cynical prison warder, presiding over an increasingly run-down and over-crowded Hell.Many of the plots of the first four series involve Satan having lengthy philosophical discussions with the Professor, played by James Grout, a Wide-Eyed Idealist and Flat Earth Atheist. Satan would often try to persuade the Professor that Humans Are Bastards, while the Professor would take the opposite view. Satan's chief minion was originally Reliable Traitor Gary, replaced by cringing lackey Scumspawn. Other characters included Thomas, a man with no redeeming qualities (and the driver of the car that killed both himself and the Professor), and numerous historical figures who had somehow ended up in Hell (including foul-mouthed Jane Austen, hypocritical Thomas Jefferson and meretricious Will Shakespeare).In season five, Satan left Hell, subverting his usual role by visiting world leaders and trying to persuade them to get people to live more virtuous lives in order to ease the over-crowding in Hell. At the end of each episode he would return to Hell in order to sort out the messes his subordinates had made in his absence.Season six introduced Edith, an academic who agreed to write a biography of Satan in return for him looking into the mysterious events surrounding her death. (She's also Thomas's mother-in-law, and loathes him as much as ... well, anyone who's met him. Naturally, Satan makes them roommates.) In season seven, a dog and a baby arrive in Hell, due to a cock-up in Heaven's new computer systems; Satan ends up trying to locate the baby's new parents, while Thomas, surprisingly, finds himself literally Petting The Dog.The show is lighter and funnier than it sounds, and usually manages to avoid being Anvilicious in its handling of weighty philosophical issues.A clay-motion television adaptation is in the works (with no set release date).
Alternative Character Interpretation: In-universe. Most notably Jane Austen, who's a violent, cockney-accented thug and Will Shakespeare, portrayed as a dopey Brummie who only wrote the jokes in his plays, the real author being his mate Trevor.
And Starring: "And Andy Hamilton as Satan". He may well have written the show just to hear that credit.
Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking: Satan's list of the types of sinners who are continually arriving includes murderers, rapists, blackmailers, robbers, arsonists, and people who support Manchester United Football Club who aren't from Manchester.
"Murderers" has the character of Mordecai, author of The Book of Leviticus, The Book of Deuteronomy, and The Book of Happy Gardening Tips.
Arc Words: "Hope". It's the Professor's last name, the name of Satan's lost love interest, and is the topic of several episodes. Essentially, it's the one way to deal with being in Hell, and the one thing Satan can never have.
Berserk Button: God does not like non-believers or being called by his real name - ( Nigel - Jehovah is his middle name)
Beware the Nice Ones: The Professor is very forgiving and tolerant, but when Thomas inadvertently drives his assistant to suicide and then blames her for being too passive, the Prof. lectures him on the link between action and consequence.
The Professor: See, this (punches Thomas in the face) is an action, and your nosebleed is a consequence. (punches him again) Action, consequence. See?
He also admits to having fantasized about killing Dicky Freestone, a former colleague who stole the credit for his research.
Even Buddha acknowledges the joy of torturing Richard Nixon.
Black Humour: A thick vein runs through the whole series, given that it's a comedy in which Satan is the protagonist and a large amount of the early jokes revolved around the ironic punishments meted out to sinners, but Series 2 Episode 2 stands out in particular as it centres on what happens to a dead suicide bomber. Word of Satan says this is still one of his favourite episodes.
Wazim Al-Habib: Did I not lay down my life for the one true religion? Did I not pack a lorry full of gelignite and drive it at high speed into the infidel's top-security military base? I did! I remember the explosion! Satan: Oh yeah, there was an explosion, but it wasn't exactly a top-security military base. It was more of a... well, it was a hairdresser's.
— "Series Two, Episode 2"
British Brevity: Each series lasts for only 6 half-hour episodes, except series 5 which only got four episodes.
The show started in 1995 and has had seven seasons, two Christmas specials and a 2012 Olympics special. This counts up to fifty-four episodes over fifteen-years.
Butt Monkey: Thomas. At one point, literally, when he's transformed by Satan into a piece of amoebic dysentery in Robert Maxwell's alimentary canal.
Catch Phrase: Thomas's 'What? Why are you looking at me like that?' everytime he says something particularly diabolical offhand.
Corrupt Church: Frequently. Satan observes that he's "got every dead Pope in there since 1472" in reference to the Pope Enclosure in the first episode, and then there's the Rev. Elmer Butt who appears in Season 2, an American televangelist who bribes IRS officials (73 times) and had sex with a 14-year old girl.
Deadpan Snarker: Satan. He's written and played by Andy Hamilton, so it comes with the territory.
Satan: Thomas, I'm shocked! And I'm the Devil — it takes a lot to shock me!
In one instance, Satan temporarily puts Nero in charge of Hell, and he is so insane and depraved that even the demons are disgusted.
In one episode, Satan claims that not directly killing people is one of his two morals. There used to be three, but he got cynical. He never explicitly says what the other is, but he does mention at another point that he never possesses people who aren't old enough to make moral choices.
Another episode has Satan put Thomas in The Pit of Demons Who Are Too Violent Even For Hell.
God Is Evil: Not quite... God is petty, easily-offended and vengeful. The reason Hell is so overcrowded is that God has set such impossibly high standards that almost nobody gets into Heaven. He has given up listening to the prayers of the faithful, but he will turn up if there's a chance of a nice pancake.
And as of season seven has completely lost interest in humanity, and gone on sabbatical. Apparently Sarah Palin was the last straw.
Ironic Echo: In the episode "The Beautiful Game", the Professor appoints Thomas as England captain for the Underworld Cup, in the belief that he'll rise to the challenge and prove himself, much to Satan's disbelief. The Professor says "I'd hate to be as cynical as you, you know. Always seeing the worst aspects of people." Then Satan appoints Scumspawn referee, and the Professor accuses him of deliberately trying to turn the tournament into a disaster. "I'd hate to be as cynical as you, Prof. Always seeing the worst in devils."
Satan: Jesus had it coming! You only chose the Jews as your chosen people cos the Welsh didn't want you! Richard Dawkins is brilliant!
Jerk with a Heart of Gold: It is buried extremely deeply in his cold, unwelcoming shell but sometimes (okay, twice) Thomas does do some nice things. One of the season two episodes had the Once an Episode Professor vs Satan beat be whether or not Thomas had any good in him. He does.
Satan showing this tendency also is a major plot point of several episodes (though Satan would argue that he was never more cruel than people deserved anyway.)
Jesus Was Way Cool: Even though God's kind of a dick, Jesus is spoken of as good and holy; even Satan seems to respect him (in a Worthy Opponent kind of way). He's rather embarrassed about the time he punched him for being "holier-than-thou", and gets very defensive if it's brought up.
Edith: Well, thank you for your concern, but if it's all the same to you, I'd rather not be taking advice about handling my emotions from someone who punched Jesus because he was pissed! Scumspawn:Jesus was pissed?!
King of All Cosmos: God is a bit like this. He created the Earth while he was drunk and created the first few single-celled organisms as part of a bet to see which would evolve into intelligent life first. He's rather upset that it's "all got out of hand", and refuses to take responsibility for any of it.
List of Transgressions: In episode one, when Thomas arrives in Hell, Satan can't find his list — only finding the various things he did for charity and when he's about to let Thomas go he finds the list. And it's very long.
No Celebrities Were Harmed: Very averted. Living celebrities, particularly those involved in some sort of scandal, are frequently mocked, and deceased ones inevitably end up in Hell, where they're harmed a lot as a matter of course.
Rage Against the Heavens: Thomas gets two of these: in the first episode of Season 5, he blames God for the overcrowding in Hell, and in the final episode of Season 7, he stands up for Scumspawn, as mentioned above.
Retcon: In Season 3, we meet the Angel Graham, the messenger who told Mary she was with child, who's annoyed his name was miswritten. In Season 7, we meet a completely different Angel Gabriel.
When The Prof first appeared in Season One, he was named Professor Richard Whittingham.
Running Gag: 'Scumspawn, you're the only demon in Hell who...' (does something exceptionally un-demonic, for example, donating to a donkey sanctuary).
Satan: You're the only demon I know who collects Furbies.
Jane Austen being violent and crazy enough to frighten most of the demons in hell.
Season Two's running gag was Scumspawn desperately trying to get the job as Gary's replacement and the various candidates Satan considered instead of him, including a villainous dolphin and a sentient computer.
The Pope Enclosure, and Satan keeping all of the damned Pontiffs perpetually pregnant was referenced with regularity during the first two seasons.
Adolf Hitler has a different excuse for the Holocaust each time he appears.
Sapient Cetaceans: Dophins are the only non-humans who have enough awareness to be damned. The most evil dolphin who ever lived is called Chuckles.
Satan: Watch your mouth, Thomas, or— Thomas: Or what? Don't tell me, you'll punish me. I don't care. You've covered me in boils, you've transformed me into various vegetables and household appliances, you've bred locusts and raced ferrets inside me... What more could you possibly do, eh? Turn me into a warthog's scrotum? [He is immediately turned into a warthog's scrotum.] Professor: Oh, really. Satan: Well, he shouldn't put ideas into my head, should he?