- Satan: "We’re averaging 25 suicide bombers a day. Here, you should see their faces when they get here and it’s not paradise. Sometimes, for a laugh, you know, I get Scumspawn to put on a dress and tell them he’s a virgin. Which he is, come to think of it. And always will be. As he has no genitalia."
- On a similar note, a suicide bomber, who had only blown up himself: "But if I had succeeded, I would be in paradise, yes? The Supreme Leader told me ... The Supreme Leader's full of crap, isn't he?"
- Scumspawn's many failed transformations. He goes for chthonic monstrosity, he gets giant prawn. On a bed of lettuce. And on several occasions he turns himself into an electric lawnmower.
- Thomas's attempt to express himself through poetry doesn't end up how he wants it to:
- I know they are out there, lying in wait,
Their eyes gleaming bright with fury and hate.
Their gaze is fixed on me. their prey
Through the long sweat of night and the mad race of day.
And I'm transfixed by the thought that they're all the same,
each predator's face identical to the others!
And I know that man — I know who he is.
For it is the accusing face of... Alan Titchmarsh!!!
- In the second Olympic Special, Satan, visiting Earth in disguise, meets Edith's great-niece Emma, whom she remembers as a dear little girl. During his conversation with Emma, he discovers that she is an unprincipled, airheaded, mercenary young woman who's planning to throw the race she's running in for a large bribe from a bookmaker. At the end of their conversation:
Emma: I'll see you later.Satan: Yeah. Eventually.
- Or there's Satan's 'constructive criticism' towards Marxism.
- Satan: Yep, they call it Das CRAPital!Marx: ...I — I don't understand.Satan: Of course not. That was a joke, and you're a German.