DEVILRY!
"Thou art a wretched sinner, utterly undeservin' o' God's love. A fountain o' pollution is deep within thy nature, and thou livest as a winter tree; unprofitable, fit only to be hewn down and burnt. Steep thy life in prayer, and may God see fit to have mercy upon thy corrupted soul."
—The VVitchfinder-General's Signing Off Catchphrase
The VVitchfinder-General (Of the Colony of Massachusetts Bay) is a comedic character and series of YouTube videos made and performed by Andrew Rakich of Atun-Shei Films. Each video is both an in-character rant about the modern world (filled with Papists, Quakers, and witches no doubt) and a history lesson about the beliefs, habits and lifestyle of the 17th-century New England Puritans.
The series is notable for completely averting The Queen's Latin. The Witchfinder-General speaks (an admittedly intentionally comical exaggeration of) the reconstruction of Original Pronunciation, which is what scholars believe the English in the 17th century sounded like.
Compare The Sudbury Devil, a film also made by Rakich about 17th-century witchfinders that strives to be period-accurate. Not to be confused with Witchfinder General, which is completely unrelated, or The VVitch, which has a similar spelling and topic but is also unrelated.
Click here for a self-demonstrating version.
The VVitchfinder-General hereby profeſseth the follovving TROPES, together vvith REAL PURITAN LAVVS & HISTORIE from the Colonies of NEVVE-ENGLAND:
- Agent Scully: A truly bizarre example, but the Witch-Finder General is, in an attempt to represent the idiosyncratically progressive views of his culture, actually quite opposed to what he sees as unfounded superstitions, encouraging vaccination in the face of early unfounded vaccine hesitancy, dismissing the idea that mediums can actually contact the dead, and arguing that there's no such things as ghosts, faeries, or other supernatural creatures. What he does believe in are the demonic powers of Hell and their human servants, the witches, papists, Quakers, Indians, and other followers of false religions, who can command supernatural forces and cause all sorts of mischief to God's chosen people, the goodly folk of Massachusetts Bay.
- Alchemy Is Magic: Defied. In "The Witchfinder-General Discovers Harry Potter", he makes a point of distinguishing between witchcraft and alchemy (in the context of the Philosopher's Stone in Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone), supporting alchemy as the foundation of early modern chemistry and medicine that it was and favorably comparing it to outright magical remedies he believes to be the work of Satan. However, he also acknowledges that magicians in covenant with the Devil can co-opt alchemy for their own nefarious deeds.
- The Alcoholic: Downplayed. He drinks quite a lot by modern-day standards, but believes it to be a reasonable amount concerning his own time periodnote while simultaneously demonizing those who habitually commit excessive drunkenness.The Witchfinder-General: Now, there be no sin in tippling moderately; I meself have a quart of ale with breakfast and a cask of cider with supper. The healthful benefits of such a regimen cannot be denied and it is to be expected of any working man.
- Antiquated Linguistics: He speaks in a very archaic manner to match his extremely retrograde attitudes.
- Armor-Piercing Response: The leader of the Satanic Temple in Salem, Massachusetts isn't impressed when the Witchfinder-General starts going into his Signing Off Catchphrase, simply telling him that he's fine being a wretched sinner utterly unworthy of God's love since the Witchfinder-General's God doesn't seem terribly loving. This leaves him completely flabbergasted and unable to respond.
- Bait-and-Switch Comment: In "Why Christmas should be ILLEGAL", he has this to say to a reddit post of someone wishing a posthumous "Merry Christmas" to their deceased grandmother:The Witchfinder General: Fear not, thy shall embrace thy grandmother again. If not in this life, THEN IN HELL! WHEN THOU DOST JOIN HER THERE, WITH SATAN AND ALL HIS MINIONS!
- Blasphemous Boast: In "The Witchfinder General Gives Spiritual Advice", in response to a question asking what he would say to the Pope upon meeting him, he says he would "Let [his] flintlock do the speaking, a shout of powder and a tongue of lead, to lash him with through his bejeweled pate".
- The Cameo: At the end of "The Witchfinder General Discovers Harry Potter", Billy Yank appears saying that he needs the Witchfinder-General's help, teasing a Crisis Crossover in "The Cornerstone of Johnny Reb".
- Cannot Tell Fiction from Reality: He assumes the Harry Potter series is an actual account of a real witchcraft school.
- Cold Ham: While the Witchfinder-General isn't outright shouting most of the time, his still very flamboyant, especially when the topics of sin and witches come up.
- The Cuckoolander Was Right: His faith is portrayed as extremely intolerant and harsh by modern standards, but when Jesus (in the form and voice of Ewan MacGregor's Obi-Wan Kenobi) answers Johnny Reb's prayers in "Were There Really BLACK CONFEDERATES???!!!" he corroborates two of the Witchfinder-General's theological claims.Jesus: Yes, it's me. But I wasn't really born on Christmas. It's a vile pagan carnival, and everyone who celebrates it is going to Hell. (later) And remember: Catholics and Quakers worship the devil and should be killed.
Johnny Reb: I'll remember, Lord! - Character Catchphrase: He usually states that "the letter of the law concerning [X] is clear," then recommends, in regards to the people who break the laws he espouses, to "deliver [them] to the magistrates assembled in the court in the shire in which [they] dwell." (Give or take a few words.)
- Conspiracy Theorist: On two levels. Basically everything the Witchfinder General doesn't like about the rest of the Christian and/or Anglophone world is somehow tied up in a dastardly Popish plot, and the Devil, in turn, is somehow behind everything wrong with the world generally, including but not limited to Catholicism.
- Cowboy BeBop at His Computer: In-universe. He gets multiple things about the plot of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone incorrect in his review of it, such as saying that Harry goes into the Forbidden Forest to harvest large quantities of semen and that Dumbledore is really the notorious conjurer John Dee, having somehow escaped his death. He also completely falls for J. K. Rowling's Moustache de Plume and repeatedly calls her "a most godly man".
- Deliberate Values Dissonance: The views he espouses aren't the ones Atun-Shei actually holds, but are meant to represent the views of Puritan Massachusetts. In the Witchfinder-General's mind music is sinful, executing a teenager for defying his parents is a fair punishment, only Puritans go to Heaven, and drinking beer with breakfast is healthy.
- Disproportionate Retribution: After he (for all his Deliberate Values Dissonance) strongly advocates for early vaccinations in the wake of some unfounded caution towards them (mostly stemming from racialist bias due to the practice being co-opted from African slaves), someone throws a bomb into his house with a taunting note in an incident almost identical to one which happened to Cotton Mather due to his similar views on vaccination.
- Divided We Fall: In the unproduced script for "The Witchfinder General vs. Dracula," the Witchfinder General and a Catholic missionary are able to stand up against the forces of vampirism so long as they are able to present a united front... but the protection of their faith fades when Dracula uses his silver tongue to encourage the divisions between the two men's vision of Christianity, and their infighting allows him to attack.
- Dry Crusader: Downplayed. While he's not against drinking in moderation and enjoys the occasional beer himself, including in the morning, for breakfast, he's a wholehearted supporter of laws regulating when and how much one can drink even in the privacy of one's own home and sees public drunkenness as nothing short of disgraceful.
- Episode Title Card: Each episode starts off with a screen-covering title card explaining the episode's topic stylized to look like a 17th-century pamphlet, complete with antiquated spellings such as "Maſsachuſetts Bay" and "NEVVE-ENGLAND".
- Everyone Has Standards:
- While he initially approves of President Donald Trump's "commendable hatred of Indians, heathens, sodomites, and the like," he turns on him upon digging deeper and learning of his sexual infidelity and inability to speak coherently about the Bible or Christianity.
- Even he quickly realizes that Klaus the Nazi is evil immediately (although the fact that Klaus was possessing Johnny Reb probably helped) and sets to exorcise him from Johnny Reb's body. This came after he slapped Johnny Reb for displaying religious tolerance, mind you.
- He may believe in radical predestination, but he pushes for inoculation, argues that falling ill due to purposefully ignoring useful technical knowledge is actually punishment for refusing to use one's intelligence to protect oneself, and says such conduct is foolish and unbecoming of a Christian man.
- Everyone Is Satan in Hell:
- Invoked with his "review" of The Rise of Skywalker, where he claims that the Jedi are witches and Luke Skywalker is Satan. He also claims that Baby Yoda is the very likeness of the devil in his anti-Christmas rant.
- His review of Harry Potter repeats an oft-leveled accusation that it teaches children Satanism and witchcraft, lampshaded by the Witchfinder General finding out that other "witchfinders" have made the same accusations as himself verbatim. It's humorously played up when he compares Satanic Archetype Voldemort to Satan himself, as a literal "two-faced" master of evil and darkness. Less common is his bizarre and creepy insistence that the unicorn blood is in fact semen, because all witches' spells run on it. He also seems to be of the impression that the books are describing a real place in Scotland, and credits JK Rowling as a "most godly man" for exposing this dangerous school.
- Evil Jesuit: When he goes to Mardi Gras in New Orleans, he makes a point of singling out the "heretical" teachings of the Jesuit-run Loyola University as a marker of how the city has succumbed to Papism and sin. He also boasts about how Massachusetts Bay Colony expelled all Jesuits from its borders and being a Jesuit is a criminal offense there:The Witchfinder-General: Aye, if thou suspects any man of being a member of the Jesuitical order, lay hold on him, and deliver him forthwith to the magistrates assembled in the court in the shire in which ye dwell. If the man cannot free himself of such suspicion, then he shall be committed to prison; or at the least, condemned to banishment. And if any man so banished should return, and is taken a second time, then upon lawful trial and conviction, he shall be put to instant death.
- Evil Versus Evil: Defied frequently. In his looks at both Star Wars and Harry Potter, the Witchfinder-General is unmoved by the idea that what he sees as practitioners of the dark arts of magic are in conflict with evil sorcerers; in his mind the spiritual defilement on display is a "whoever wins, we lose" sort of situation.
- Fair for Its Day: Invoked. he defends the Salem Witch Trials by pointing out that the condemned were tried first, that witnesses gave corroborating testimonies, and that many of the accused witches even confessed to the charges. To somebody who believed in witchcraft it would all look like a Smoking Gun. The later "In Defense of Puritanism" video discusses the important contributions men like the Witchfinder-General made to modern democratic egalitarianism, in spite of their intolerance towards others outside of their movement.
- Fantastic Racism: He clarifies that his stance on witchcraft in the "Rise of Skywalker" spoof review is based on religious bigotry rather than "just" righteous indignation:"All witches are bad! Not only because of all the harm they do, but because they are witches!"
- Finger-Tenting: This seems to be the Witchfinder-General's hands' default resting position.
- Fish out of Temporal Water: Unclear. The Witchfinder-General is definitely in the modern 21st century, but is certain that he is in 17th-century Massachusetts. Whether he's a raving loony or was somehow displaced from that time period has yet to be really explained. However, when he went to Salem, he was on a First-Name Basis with many of the townsfolk, including John Ward, and is shocked to find a cemetery containing all his friends and family, lending further ambiguity to the series' premise.
- Freak Out: In "The Witchfinder General v. The Mainstream Media"
, he has this reaction upon learning that a Catholic note won the 2020 Presidential election. - The Grinch: In the video "Why Christmas Should Be ILLEGAL" he expresses contempt for the popular holiday because he sees its celebration as a sin, and a "Papist" relic of heathen festivals with no basis in scripture.
- Hates Being Touched: While trying to evangelize parade-goers at Mardi Gras in New Orleans, he is noticeably freaked out when a random guy hugs him for seemingly no reason, evoking Puritan values about personal intimacy.The Witchfinder-General: AH! AH! WHY DO YOU HUG ME, YOU SODOMITE!?
- Holiday Episode: He has appeared in a few, usually to express his disdain for the ungodly revelry such holidays invite which leads to idleness, drunkenness and the like. In the Christmas Episode, he does not associate December 25th with the modern holiday and instead the co-opted Pagan carnival that the Puritans believed it to be. In "The Witchfinder General Goes to Mardi Gras", he goes to the New Orleans Mardi Gras to loudly rant and condemn the holiday as a Papist indulgence of sin.
- Hypocrisy Nod: Despite using him to represent Puritans all over the Anglophone world, In Defense of Puritanism acknowledges several of the ways in which the Witchfinder General character is fundamentally ahistorical, including the fact that his famous buckled-hat outfit is a "bizarre Victorian fantasy," while also trying to argue against The Theme Park Version of Puritanism that has come to dominate the public's understanding of the movement.
- Internet Jerk: He basically accuses an evidently Catholic person who warns him of the Pope's judgment upon him of being one of these, 17th-century style. He points out that no one's going to just drag him to Rome to appear before the Pope, and especially not them since they can't even keep their bed tidy.The Witchfinder-General: Fly now, boy, back 'neath thy mother's skirts, and do not return from there until thou hast discovered a measure a' manfulness.
- Jerkass Has a Point:
- He complains long and loud about how New York City is a "popish pigsty" and about how Sir Edmond Andros once tried to take over New England, but in his historical video series, Rakich himself describes Andros as "detestable" and argues that the Witchfinder General's characterization of and resentment for his attempt to conquer New England by force and impose authoritarian monarchism on an unwilling population is basically justified and accurate. (Except for, you know, the Catholicism part.)
- While discussing the smallpox outbreak, and backlash against the practice of inoculation that was taught by black slaves, the Witchfinder-General actually stands up for modern medicine against religious fanaticism, arguing that God gave man intelligence for this purpose and shunning it is sinful. He says flat-out that ignoring useful technical knowledge simply because of the source is foolish and that disease and injury represent God's punishment for shunning it.
- Leitmotif: His is appropriately called "The Witchfinder General's Theme."
- Men Are Better Than Women: Argues in "The Witchfinder General Reviews The Rise of Skywalker" that, while witches can come from all walks of life, the "weak and frail sex" is more inclined to become witches, because they are more inclined to be Gossipy Hens. He later extends this argument in "The Witchfinder General Giveth Spiritual Advice", recounting the story of Anne Hutchinson to explain why women are not allowed to speak or preach in the meeting-houses. When reporting on attempts to posthumously exonerate the last witch of Salem, he slips into out-and-out misogyny.
- New England Puritan: He's an incredibly zealous literal Puritan from Massachusetts.
- Old Maid: As part of Deliberate Values Dissonance, he believes that Elizabeth Johnson Jr., who was only 22 when she confessed to witchcraft, was a "spinster" because she was unwed and had no children at that age. Due to misogynistic witch-hunting texts like the Malleus Maleficarum, in Puritan times this would raise suspicion about her supposed witchhood if not be outright used as evidence to convict her.
- Pædo Hunt: One of the many, many things he subjects witches to Moral Myopia for is their supposed grooming of young children for their "seed of manhood" and to "satisfy their own lust", but due to Deliberate Values Dissonance sees no issue with Puritan society allowing child marriage.The Witchfinder-General: But why, I wonder, do these witches and wizards lustfully prey on eleven-year-old children? Simply wait a year before marryin' 'em, as I did with me second wife!
- Politically Incorrect Villain: A given, since he's meant to represent the views of 17th-century Puritan colonists, who were not known for their tolerance of Native Americans (especially after King Phillip's War), non-traditional women, or especially Catholics. His unproduced script for "The Witchfinder General vs. Dracula" involves him ultimately hanging his Catholic ally-of-convenience who helped battle against the Count.
- Principles Zealot: Actually discussed and contextualized in "A Defense of Puritanism;" his obsession with the letter of the law is a function of Puritanism's importance in the history of liberal democracy, since it was Puritans who rejected the idea of being "subjects" of monarchs and nobles as opposed to "free-born Englishmen" or "citizens" ruled by laws rather than men.
- Real-World Episode: Occasionally The Witchfinder-General will go out into the actual world instead of ranting about it from his private dwelling, playing up the culture clash between himself and the modern world by doing Borat-style Improv with random people on the street.
- The Queen's Latin: Averted! The Witchfinder-General speaks in period-appropriate "Original Pronunciation," the reconstructed accent of 17th-century Shakespeare-era Britain.
- Salem Is Witch Country: He's horrified to discover Salem, Massachusetts playing up its history of witchcraft and the witch trials, with its various occult establishments catering to tourists who only really know one thing about Salem.
- Serious Business: In the last story in "The Witchfinder General Gives Relationship Advice", a Reddit user asks for advice because his sister's teenage boyfriend doesn't like him and offhandedly mentions that the boy is a Satanist and/or a Wiccan. The Witchfinder-General recommends putting the boy to death and nailing iron nails in his joints to counteract any necromantic powers he may have.Witchfinder-General: This is a most serious accusation!
- Sex Is Evil, and I Am Horny: While condemning Rey as a witch during his mock review of Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, the Witchfinder General can't help but remark on finding her attractive. And while ranting about how much he hates women and citing all sorts of ancient philosophers to that effect, the Witchfinder General generally mentions how appealing he finds women in the same breath as he condemns them all as naturally sinful and untrustworthy.
- Shell-Shocked Veteran: In "Jamestown v. Plymoth: Where is America's Hometown?, he reveals he fought in King Phillip's War and witnessed colonists caught outside the garrison house being killed and mutilated by Native Americans. He's disturbed enough by this memory to angrily demand that an off-screen drummer playing him on cease immediately because it sounded too much like Wampanoag war-drums. And as a stand-in for Puritans all over the anglophone world in "A Defense of Puritanism," he is seen fighting in the English Civil War, which similarly disturbs him.
- Signing Off Catchphrase: A fairly long one.Witchfinder-General: Thou art a wretched sinner, utterly unworthy of God's love. A fountain of pollution is deep within thou nature and thou livith as a winter tree; unprofitable, fit only to be hewn down and burned. Steep thy life in prayer, and hope that God sees fit to show mercy on thy corrupted soul.
- Straw Misogynist: While generally unpleasant about women, whom he sees as inferior to men and rightly restricted by the word of scripture and the laws of the Commonwealth, the Witchfinder-General outright explodes into a hateful rant about how all women are "a necessary evil" while reacting to the exoneration of the last Salem witch, citing all sorts of misogynist Roman philosophers."Why, of course my wife is faithful to me! Why do ye ask?"
- Symbology Research Failure: Invoked in "The Witchfinder General Visits Salem, Massachusetts," where he indirectly mocks the heavy metal and/or Satanist scene for (mis-)appropriating the upside-down cross. It's originally a symbol of Saint Peter. He thus objects not to the devil worship, but the Catholicism.Witchfinder-General: Saint Peter was crucified on just such a cross! Why dost thou wear it? Art thou a Papist dog?!
- Take That!: He concludes his overview of Harry Potter by describing it as the narrative of "some sort of diabolical chosen one," a Power Fantasy of wealth and fame that Harry doesn't ever actually have to earn, skill that comes to him through natural talent rather than godly labor, and special attention from his teachers simply for being who he is, such that it seems the globe entire revolves around him. The Witchfinder-General sniffs that it is fortunate the youth of a generation didn't grow up projecting themselves onto Harry Potter and developing a toxic sense of narcissistic entitlement. On a lighter note, he constantly dismisses Ron and Hermione as Harry's servants.
- Try to Fit That on a Business Card: His full title is "The Witchfinder-General of the Colony of Massachusetts Bay."
- Ungrateful Bastard:
- He expresses this sentiment after someone from New Hampshire complains about people from Massachusetts being bad drivers. He argues that were it not for Massachusetts, New Hampshire would still be "the devil's country" and would have been conquered by New France.
New Hampshire Man: Stay in your fucking state!
Witchfinder-General: Thou art as a stubborn and rebellious child, cursing and smiting your natural father.- In Atun-Shei's spoof script for a Witchfinder-General horror movie, he has his life saved from a vampire by a Catholic missionary whom he banished from the colony under threat of death. Naturally, as soon as the vampire is driven off, he has the Catholic executed for coming back under the letter of the law, even though he owed the man his life.
- Vocal Evolution: In the earlier videos, it's clear that Atun-Shei hadn't quite settled on the Witchfinder-General's exact voice and accent, with it becoming much more consistent in later videos.
- Whatevermancy: While discussing Harry Potter, he uses the term "pyromancy" to describe the creation and manipulation of fire, despite mostly using the original "-mancy" suffix to describe divination in other places.
- What the Hell Is That Accent?: He himself has a moment like this when he receives a correspondence supposedly from England spoken by a man talking with a modern English accent (as opposed to the archaic accent typical of the 1600s that he uses) who is suspicious of his wife being a witch due to her strange accent.The Witchfinder-General: Thou art clothed in the crimson of Parliament, yet I suspect thy valour be but stolen. Thou dost claim thy wife speaks queerly; doth she speak as I do? Then she is English, with the accent of the English! But thy voice is most strange, sir. Why does the letter "R" offend thee so, that thou dost not pronounce it? Perchance it is thee, and not thy wife, who is in need of corrective treatment.
- The Witch Hunter: It's literally his job description, though he also hunts Quakers and Catholics (sorry, "Papists").
- Wretched Hive: He denounces New York as a "Popish pigsty" regularly, and complains of the time that place's governor, Edmund Andros, tried to pressure New England to become more in line with Anglicanism by conquest and military force.
- You Can't Fight Fate: Being a devout Puritan, the Witchfinder-General is a believer in predestination.Witchfinder-General: God determines the destiny of every soul ere they take fleshly inhabitation!
