(This page is best read in the voice of Andrew Rakich doing a hammy and exaggerated version of Original Pronunciation.)
(cue ominous harpsichord music
)
(THE VVITCHFINDER GENERAL Provideth a SELF-PROFESSED TREATISE of his Perſon on this Sinfull Pamphlet of T.V. TROPES Together vvith REAL PURITAN LAVVS & HISTORIE From the Colonies of NEVVE-ENGLAND)
Save that introducsion music. Music is sinful. The rest of the toime will be spent in soilent contemplasion of the Sovereign of Our Lord.
Oi am the Witchfinder General of the Colenai of Massachusetts Bay.
Today oi shall be in close stoudy of this foul false pretender in the shadow of the Holy Boible, this wretched sinner-written festival of unholy loight that the witches name "Tay-Vay Tropes", which boi its own admissyun professes to have laid ruin to the loives a' many of the godly papel of this Common-Wealth.
Moi soul is moine to keep and it's best thou banish my name from thy Book of Loies, should the loight of Our Lord gouides my hand against ye!
- Antiquated Linguistics: The papel of these colenais claim that they art "English", with the accent of the English. Yet they spake queerly in nothing but tongues, curséd words of the Devil!
- Deliberate Values Dissonance: The papel of these colenais are enamoured by the falseties of scarlet women and Papist warlards that prefer the woiles of common-folk vuln'rable to the lure of greed and lust than the Christian decree of the King.
- Disproportionate Retribution: If thy son is disobedient or thy daughter is engaged in the lustful bare-ankled woiles of Devilrei, thou art to lay hold on them and deliver them to the magistrates assembled in the court of the shire in which ye dwell. There testify to them that they art unworthy o' God's love, and if their judgement to the court sees fit, thy kin shall be put to instant death.
- Everyone Has Standards: While the pox is a carse upon the papel by the All'Moighty God, our ever merciful Lord has seen fit to grant us with the gift of intelligence, and such measures as inoculasion and other farms of physic are not Devilrei. At least, by good English Christian folk. Let the French and Indians fend for themselves.
- Fish out of Temporal Water: Thou may be ahsking, why hath the Lord ordain'd to send me into these sinful and strange toimes instead of moy original toime, in hwhich the word of Jesu Chroist art the law of the land? Verily, 'tis that these toimes are in hwhich all of humanitai hath descended into all manner of sin and unholy, Papist behaviors. The Lord hath spoken, oi am the one chosen to show the papel of these toimes the way of our Lord, for 'tis my dyutay to judge ye who shant listen to His absolute word!
- The Grinch: Chroist'Mass is a most voile and profane and superstisious custom! A carnival of residual papist idolatrei! Where the papel o' this common-wealth are entois'd to lasiviousness, idleness, drunkenness, gluttony, unlawful gamin', cursin', swearin', the loike! 'Tis wahr to be waged against this Black Sabbath and the true followers of Our Lord Chroist All'Moighty!
- Politically Incorrect Villain: Nay, 'tis any who insult and defile the good and holy name of the sacriture with their papist Devilrei, Quaker-tricks, Indian-savag'rai and womanly woiles hwhich art the true villains in these sinful toimes!
- The Witch Hunter: Witches who took council away from the Sovereign of Our Lord and to kiss the unkempt bottom of the Devil shall not suffer to live! To foind a hag who shant resoite the Commandments or have the witches' mark is to be hanged and denounced as a choild of God All'Moighty.
- Would Hurt a Child: None who engage in hwitchcraft may live, nay, not e'en children, for they are capable of enough reason to practice the black arts!
