Jeff trying to convince Troy to return to football.
Jeff: It's in your blood! Troy: That's racist. Jeff: Your soul. Troy:That's racist. Jeff: Your eyes? Troy: That's gay. Jeff: That's homophobic. Troy: That's black. Jeff:That's racist! Troy: Damn...
Jeff: The scoreboard lights up! There will be a scoreboard there. It's complete! Nice catch! The girls! The glory! The scouts! The career! It all starts when you join this team!
Troy: Is that linebacker a pregnant woman?
Jeff: Look, you can meet them later. But this decision has to be yours, T-bone, and this decision has to be yes.
Troy: How did you know my nickname was T-bone?
Jeff: Because you're a football player, and your name begins with T. Your name begins with T.
The audience's introduction to Jeff.
Duncan: What is my lawyer doing here?
Jeff: I'm a student.
Duncan: Well, that cannot be an inspiring journey.
Jeff: I am in a bit of a jam. The state bar has suspended my license. They found out my college degree was... less than legitimate.
Duncan: Well, I thought you had a bachelor's from Columbia.
Jeff: And now I need one from America.
From "Beginning Pottery", after Jeff fakes a finger injury:
Rich: Jeff, check it out: if your finger’s still buggin’ ya, just get creative. (starts using his cheek to shape the clay) Teacher: I wanna kiss you on the mouth. Rich: (turns to look at him and freezes) I'm sorry?
Jeff singing "Unchained Melody" to piss off the pottery teacher, who has a ban on making any references to the pottery scene from Ghost in his class.
Britta, in response to nobody wanting to be in the bathroom with her:
Britta:(teary) I've had to pee alone my whole life!
Jeff trying to console Pierce in the first Halloween episode: "Well, when we go to dancing skeletons with our problems, we pretty much get what we pay for."
The pool judgement.
Pierce and Jeff's bizarre Spanish presentation montage set to Aimee Mann's "(It's Not Going To Start 'Til You) Wise Up" and Senor Chang's reaction:
Señor Chang:(looks at Jeff)F.(looks at Pierce)F-. Pierce: Did you say "S?"
Buddy: He said F.
And during that montage, while everyone else is staring in blank-faced confusion or disgust, Abed is nodding sagely. He gets it.
"<Where is the library? My name is T-Bone, the disco spider.>"
Jeff: Hey, Troy sneezes like a girl! Troy: How 'bout I pound you like a boy, that didn't come out right.
In episode 4 "Social Psychology", Professor Duncan conducts a psychology experiment he dubs "The Duncan Principle". He instructs Annie to inform the test subjects that the experiment will start in "5 minutes", even though "It's never actually going to start." When Señor Chang hears Annie say this, he reacts immediately saying:
Señor Chang: NO! No, no. NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! That's unacceptable, alright? You LIED to me! When you say something starts at 9, it starts at nueve!
He begins to walk out of the waiting room while moaning, only to come right back and shove an empty chair across the area shouting "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOO! MOMMY!!"
Professor Duncan:(in response to viewing Señor Chang's actions on the "secret videocamera" monitor) Houston, we have an idiot.
Oh, and then Troy's eventual meltdown:
Troy: (between sobs) You promised BUTT STUFF! Troy: WHY IS THERE SO MUCH DUST IN HERE?! Troy: The Soul Train Awards were tonight!!
Bonus points for Troy dragging himself away on the floor at the end of his rant.
Professor Duncan when his "Duncan Principle" begins to fall apart as Abed is the only participant that has stayed in the room sane and collected - for the past 26 hours.
Professor Duncan: (to a student exiting the room) Go! Fine! Go kill John Lennon again, you loser! Professor Duncan: (pointing to Annie after everyone else has left the classroom) YOU HAVE DESTROYED THE DUNCAN PRINCIPLE! (Leaves the room and shuts the door)
Hell, the fact that Duncan fell victim of his own principle.
In "Investigative Journalism" Buddy (played by Jack Black) tries to assure the group that adding him to the group won't change anything.
Buddy: I know that you're scared that adding a new member might throw everything out of it's natural-*theme song plays*-rhythm.
The group is having an argument after Annie dates Britta's ex. They reveal various sexual fantasies and comments group members have made about each other. Jeff states that their group is more complicated than a family because there's nothing to stop the members from being attracted to each other. Cue several silent moments of them making the most hilarious facial expressions ever at each other (recorded on the Main entry's entry for Crack Pairing), complete with Ho Yay and Les Yay.
Troy: "Hurry, Abed! Before people sex one another!"
Abed, later, over the P.A. system: "Everybody! Don't use the condoms! If you're gonna have sex, don't use condoms!
It came out of nowhere:
Leonard: Hey guys, thanks for eating all the macaroni! Jeff:SHUT UP, LEONARD, NOBODY EVEN KNOWS WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT! beat Jeff:(to Britta) I did eat all the macaroni. It's messed up that he knows.
From the same episode, Pierce plays Pictionary and has to draw a windmill, so he starts with the blades... by drawing a swastika. Senor Chang's rabbi brother comes in and gets offended. Chang and Pierce get into a fight and school security comes in to stop it.
Campus Security: (in a weary tone) This will never stop until Pictionary bans the word "windmill".
Abed's hangover in "Communications Studies" - he can no longer pull out his store of pop culture references, and just says "Movie reference" when he'd normally have a joke.
"...which isn't even a reference that I get, because the Cookie Crisp mascot wasn't a wizard when I was a kid, it was a burglar!"
In general, any time that Annie and Shirley compete over who gets to be the Cowboy Cop of their volunteer-security-guard partnership.
Annie: Morning boys! I'm Annie Edison. But people call me 'Psycho' because I had a nervous breakdown in high school. My partner's a Christian housewife. [Shirley looks genuinely betrayed] Can we help you? Shirley: Actually, can we not help you? I tend to play by my own rules. Annie: She loves rules! I only have one — stay out of my way. Shirley: Stay out of mine more.
And before that, Dean Pelton's disappointment at Annie's trying to be tough by spitting.
Annie's pursuit of Jeff, in which she ends up accidentally pepper-spraying herself in the face. She gets "sprayed" by running into the spray while firing it at Jeff.
Annie: These are not tears! This is self-inflicted friendly fire, OK!
One of Jeff's Lawyer-ings of the group, regarding Annie:
Jeff: *to no one in particular* Permission to treat the witness as hostile! Pierce: I'll allow it.
And using Abed as a stenographer
Jeff: Did you record yesterday's Spanish class? Annie: I don't think so? Jeff: Abed. Abed: You said you record all your classes. Pierce called it "a spoiler alert."
Jeff ordering everyone to close their eyes so Annie's "Disney face" won't work on them.
Jeff: Abed, close! Abed: Oh, don't worry about me. I can only connect with people through... [Sees Annie's "Disney face"]movies... Jeff: She's the Ark of the Covenant! [Abed gasps in horror & covers his eyes]
Troy reacts angrily to Abed stating that them moving in together would cause their relationship to Jump the Shark: "Oh, and for your information? There was an episode of Happy Days where a dude LITERALLY jumped over a shark. And it was the BEST ONE."
The Comic Roleplay in "Intermediate Documentary Making" where Britta roleplays as Jeff's Dad... so Jeff roleplays as Britta's Dad.
Britta: But what if he's coming though? What are you going to say to him? Here, I'll be him! I'll be him! Hi. Hey, hi I'm Jeff's dad, hi. Jeff: Hi, Jeff's dad. I'm Britta's dad. Britta: What? Why? Jeff: I don't know. Got drunk, didn't have a condom and her mom gets freaky when she hears Oingo Boingo! Britta: Oh god, I wish I could relate but much like my son I'm a closet homosexual. Jeff: Don't apologize for that. You're talking to the guy who banged Britta's mom. I have no standards. Britta: Well what do you say we take a tumble? I'll put on a wig. Jeff: That's it, you're under arrest. Britta: It's not illegal to be gay. Jeff: It is here in Iran. Britta: Not when we're in the "Green Zone"! Jeff: That's Iraq stupid. Britta: Well what do I know? I'm Jeff Winger's dumb gay dad! (leaves angrily)
It might be based on a cruel act of revenge-driven torturous emotional manipulation, but Pierce's feeble attempt at roleplaying Jeff's dad in the same episode is also hilarious.
"Jeff's Dad": It's me, here in this sedan! See, I'm waving!
Anything Pierce or Troy says or do in "Documentary Filmaking"
Duncan's reason for being sober in "Asian Population Studies"
Duncan: I apologize for my lateness but I wasn't sure how to find Greendale sober. (The class gasps) Yes I have stopped drinking, mainly due to the fact that I could no longer get an erection. So now that i'm on the wagon you can expect this class, and my penis, to be more focused and rewarding.
Troy brags that Abed will never see his gift coming... before we see that it's a remote control helicopter wrapped in tissue paper with the outline clearly visible.
Troy is taking notes. Notes that fill the back of his character sheet.
Also earlier in the game Britta getting worked up over the Fantastic Racism in D&D and the plight of "Kyle the Gnome waiter" played by Abed and genuinely griefstricken over his "death" later.
Jeff: Britta, he was an imaginary waiter. Britta: I wouldn't expect you to understand!
At the beginning of the game, Pierce's character is in danger of dying of hypothermia. During Jeff's turn, Abed explains that Pierce only has fourteen turns to live. What does Jeff decide to do?
Jeff: I wait fourteen turns.
In "Paradigms of Human Memory":
After Annie invokes a montage of the "long looks, stolen glances, general atmosphere of 'will they, might they'" between her and Jeff, set to romantic music by Sara Bareilles (a parody of a real fanvid), he objects that "You could do the same thing with — Pierce and Abed!" After a pause with Abed looking thoughtful, we get an identical montage for Pierce and Abed, complete with the same music.
Jeff: Abed, it's called chemistry. I have it with EVERYONE. Abed: Come on, Jeff. There's clearly more between you and Annie than there is between me and Pierce. Pierce: (outraged, to Abed) HOW DARE YOU!
"Yeah, but the temple is a temple of doom! And like the real Temple of Doom, it represents the inconvenient fact that all good things, be they people or movie franchises, eventually collapse into sagging, sloppy piles of hard-to-follow nonsense."
"It's hard to be Jewish, it's hard to be Jewish, it's hard to be Jewish in Russia, yo!"
Annie rants while annoyingly moving her straw around in her cup lid. Troy reaches over, removes the lid, and gives the cup back, without Annie noticing at all.
Troy using a Southern Accent while representing Georgia for the Model U.N. The Country Georgia. And he knows it, but uses a Southern Accent anyway.
Annie Kim's bafflement at Jeff and Annie's relationship.
Annie Kim: Is he your father or your lover? Jeff: Annie, stop. You're acting like a little school girl and not in a hot way.
Picture time with the Study Group.
Shirley': And here's Ben dressed like a dragon. Annie & Britta: Awwwwww. Troy: Here's me & Abed dressed like Eddie Murphy & Nick Nolte. The girls & Pierce: Awwwwww. Annie: Who's Nick Nolte? Everyone Else: AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.
The study group being mean to Todd because he's basically a nice person.
Todd: I thought you were supposed to be family! You were supposed to love each other! Your love is weird!!!!!!
Professor Kane: What did you do to my man Todd? You know he's an Iraq War veteran.
Timeline 5 in "Remedial Chaos Theory," where Troy is the one who gets the pizza. While he's gone, a series of horrible freak accidents occur, and when he gets back the apartment's on fire, Pierce has been shot in the leg, and a terrifying troll doll is staring at him from the center of the chaos. Troy's reaction is priceless.
The Stinger following up on the events of Timeline 5. Abed's decided they should become evil doppelgangers of the study group in Timeline 7, and as such need the appropriate attire ASAP. So he's made them all felt goatees to wear. Also, Britta's put a blue streak in her hair to represent the "darker" study group, and considers this on par with Jeff losing an arm.
"Clearly you don't know anything about defeating trolls!"
Pierce tormenting Troy with the Norwegian Troll figure in Timeline 4.
Feel the terror, Troy! Feel the terror of the Norwegian Troll!!!
All of the stories the study group tells in "Horror Fiction In Seven Spooky Steps" are hilarious in their own ways. All of them.
Abed's face after Annie finishes her Halloween story. He's never looked so openly horrified.
Britta getting dramatic when she reveals the results of the personality tests to Jeff:
Britta: One of the tests came back with seventy out of seventy-five red-flags for an extreme personality disorder. Extreme, Jeff! Jeff:[Mock-terrified] Like a Dorito?! Britta: A sociopathic Dorito! A cool-ranch lunatic! Only instead of zest, Jeff, one member of our study group has — homicidal tendencies! [Cut to a shot of the other members of the study group dancing happily]
The cabin in Annie's story has both lamps and candles.
Vampire Jeff: Wait! Teach me to read.
Pierce threatening everyone with a fire extinguisher.
You don't wanna be barium sulfated!
Troy and Abed pretending to be each other so Troy has a loophole to tell a secret. "I like football, but also I don't."
The priest at Pierce's dad's funeral telling Britta, "You're the worst."
Almost anything said and done by Bat!Abed in "Foosball and Nocturnal Vigilantism":
"The night beckons. Its black fingers curl and uncurl, going, like, 'hey, come here'... there can be no peace while crime spits and dances on the reef of justice to the infectious beats of all that is wrong."
"Say, you look familiar. Did I ever pretend to shoot a guy in front of you to teach you a lesson about gun safety?"
And what makes it better is that the officer says this as if this is something he does all the time.
Bat!Abed's confrontation with Rick the Landlord. Despite the fact that Bat!Abed is less-than-effective at even getting into the apartment, Rick seems to be under the impression that he's actually being interrogated by Batman himself.
After Troy (and a few others) has been kidnapped to see if they are good enough to be air conditioning students (What sells it is John Goodman's deadpan delivery):
Then, later in the episode, when Troy snaps at the Janitor:
Troy: I'm going to eat spaceman paninis with Black Hitler and there's nothing you can do about it!
"HE TWEETED IT!!!!!"
The fight between the Dean and Jeff in the green screen room while stock footage and a cover of Christopher Cross's "Sailing" plays was surreal and priceless.
"I liked Horsebot 3000."
Jeff's scarily accurate impression of the Dean in "Documentary Filmmaking Redux".
Jeff: This is my sister's!
The montage of Britta and Troy being forced to hug over and over again for twelve hours, until they start having full on breakdowns while still trying to do the shot.
Annie's little meltdown, in which she rants about how the Dean is a genius and not just an idiot who's made her waste two weeks of her life — Alison Brie excels at bringing the wild-eyed crazy.
The Dean on the phone with Luis Guzman saying "I loved you in... in..." stalling while Annie checks her iPhone for a movie Guzman was in. She hands her phone to the Dean who looks at it and finally says "...IMDB!'' The Dean looks back at Annie: "That was tragic."
When Britta rushes onstage of the Christmas pageant to sing her "heart song" Dean Pelton disappointedly checking the program: "Oh, Britta's in this?"
Annie's increasingly dumb sexpot Christmas song.
Annie:Boopie doopie boop doop sex!
Jeff: ...Look, eventually you hit a point of diminishing returns on the sexiness.
Annie: What's a diminunyuh nyumwyuh?
Baby Boomer Santa. A pastiche of popular music from the 1940s to the 1980s solely for the purpose of playing on Pierce's baby-boomer sense of historical vanity. And it is hilarious.
The shots of Pierce's increasing delight and the study group's horror until he finally joins in and belts out:
"You're welcome! You're welcome! For all that I bring/ to the world! I'm Baby Boomer Santa/I'm an American pearl!"
During Shirley and Pierce's slide show presentation to the Dean about opening a sandwich shop in the cafeteria a drawing of the Dean in the style of the Monopoly guy carrying a money bag in each hand appears.
Dean Pelton: "That's me! Where did I get all the money I'm holding?"
Annie's desperate excitement about helping Shirley plan her wedding: "Oh hey guys! Did someone say 'Annie', 'help', 'wedding' and something about maybe hydrangeas?"
And before that, Shirley laughing at Britta for 2 whole minutes for suggesting that she prepare her wedding.
The Dean collapsing and convulsing in the hallway upon seeing how hot Jeff looks wearing aviator glasses.
"Oh my god, even his shadow! Look at his shadow!!"
The study group getting roped into being celebrity impersonators at a bar mitzvah to pay Abed's debt. Jeff is tall Ryan Seacrest, Troy and Britta are young and old Michael Jackson, Shirley is Oprah, Pierce is "Fat Marlon Brando" and Abed is Jamie Lee Curtis in True Lies.
"If you have anything else to say, say it in a high-pitched voice while walking backwards." "Jeff is in grave danger, hee-hee!"
In "Digital Exploration of Interior Design", the Subway executive listens to the tape of Britta and "corpo-humanoid" Subway's apparently "way out of the mainstream" sexual explorations, with the result that Subway is stripped of his job and dragged away by goons in black suits. When comes time to leave, however, the executive seems curiously reluctant to leave his seat:
Subway executive: If someone could hand me my jacket? Pierce:[Helpfully] It's right over there on the coat-rack next to the door. Subway executive: ...If somebody could just hand it to me, that would be great. [Awkward pause] Dean Pelton: I guess I'm confused; why don't you just grab it on your way out the door — Subway executive: You know what? Now I'm not leaving. Now I'm just going to sit for a while and focus on how unacceptable today was.
Abed: The babies are capable of executing custom code, so you can write a script that makes one baby tell another baby what to do, much like real children on a playground.
Annie: Oh, Abed, but...
Jeff: Annie, let's find the tin man's heart later.
Britta just made a joke.
Annie: Britta, don't make jokes! You're bad at it!
Jeff's comment that at the end of the sentence he's speaking, 100 people will have died in China. Troy looks up in absolute horror and screams "WHY [Beat] DID YOU STOP TALKING?" and proceeds to call his penpal & ask if they're okay, before ending the call a second later because the call is costing 7 dollars.
Concerning the Dean
Jeff: This can't be good. He's dressed as himself.
Jeff: Please tell me you're breaking into that condo.
The little ads for fake shows on Abed TV, like American Sword Cooks and Blind/Blonde.
A meta example is Community making fun of NBC screwing with their air date.
Troy has some great one-liners.
Did you know that Gogurt is just yogurt? And if we need an escape goat, I think we should just let this one go. (Said while sitting next to a goat. And covering its ears so it's not offended) I hope [Gary] transfers to HELL! Whoa, who taught you therapy, Michael Jackson's dad? That guy looks like Moby. Have you ever been to a puppy parade midway? It is pointless. I hope I develop multiple personalities. I get lonely in long showers. That guy's a mess. It's like God spilled a person. You should be like Calvin. His best friend was a tiger, they always went on dope adventures, and if anything got in his way he just peed on it. (in a Batman voice) That's one of my biggest fears. Like, if I woke up as a donut, I'd eat myself. I wouldn't even think about it. (to Shirley) Uh, I can swim, racist. You're the AT&T of people. Dammit Shirley, forget about your newborn child, and think about the people who need you! There was a time and a place for subtlety, and that time was before Scary Movie. You are the opposite of Batman. [Upon discovering his landlord's huge collection of women's shoes] Wait a minute; Rick doesn't have a wife... or women's feet. It smells like a Waffle House sink!
(After seeing Britta in the season 2 premiere) "Toy Story... Britta!"
(After finding out Jeff and Britta had sex on the table) "Oooooohhhh-some!"
Donald Glover's eyes.
Donald. Glover's. Eyes.
"SET PHASERS TO 'LOVE ME!'"
In a meta example (for a meta show), on the DVD commentaries, Donald Glover's own CMOF is being lured into the bathroom by a piece of cake in "English As A Second Language".
Dan Harmon cites the "Those aren't thumbs" joke from "Basic Rocket Science" as his own favorite joke of Season 2.
The 'Psychology of Letting Go' commentary is also hysterical, though the best parts are Chevy Chase insisting that Shirley is played by a robot and all of the commentators marveling that, for some reason, John Oliver cannot write a 'G' properly.
Donald Glover and Gillian Jacobs hijack the "Applied Anthropology And Culinary Arts" commentary after the actual commentators joke that they're having sex outside the glass. The others are appalled that they "broke the seal" of the commentary booth.
The commentary for "Geography of Global Conflict" reveals that Garrett's "Crisis alert!" line is a CMOF for the actors and production staff.
From the outtakes of the tag where Troy keeps trying to leave a message for Abed:
Ay, Abed, it's Troy, back the fuck up!
From a genuinely Heartwarming moment (on Twitter) where Jeff invites the study group to the steak dinner date for one he mentions in the first season, Jeff says he made the reservation for L Street. Britta can't remember where it is and says it "sounds douchey". Troy's response:
Troy: YOU DON'T REMEMBER?
Really, the entire conversation, as the Dean & Chang manage to invite themselves along, and then they start changing Jeff's plans to go to Senior Kevin's instead.