Funny / Conan

  • During the Conan One Hour Earlier Best of Spectacular:
    New Yorker in audience: HEY JACKASS!
    Conan: (Beat) Excuse me, sir?
    New Yorker: Yeah, I'm talkin' to you, Lanky Doodle Dandy! I've been sittin' through all this L.A. crap; when are ya gonna show some highlights of the week of shows you did in New York?!
    Conan: OK, I'm sorry, just take it easy, sir-
    New Yorker: DON'T TELL ME TO TAKE IT EASY, YOU SON OF A BITCH! I swear to God, if you don't show some highlights from New York right now, I'm gonna tear this building apart with my bare hands!!
    Conan: Well actually, sir, I was just about to show some clips from our week in New York.
    New Yorker: (charmed) Oh! Well that's delightful! (sits down)
  • On the 12/17/12 episode: comedian Jon Dore is doing his set when an usher is loudly trying to get a couple in the audience to change seats, when Jon starts arguing with the Usher over whose job is easier, and they switch roles with Jon carrying the audience member around and start arguing and mocking each other like children. Conan and Andy break up the argument, to which Jon and the Usher start arguing with Conan and Andy about whose job is easier and then they switch roles with Conan and Andy and start arguing and mocking again. Then suddenly Jon says (still mockingly)"We should bring out a guest, please welcome Sarah Chalke" and Sarah Chalke herself comes out and sits at the couch while Conan and Andy look on in confusin as to what the hell just happened. Jon finishes by signing off the show instead of Conan before asking for a round of applause for the real Conan O'Brien to which they cut to Conan's stunt double who is a head shorter than Conan, while Conan still looks dumbfounded. It has to be seen to be believed.
  • Andy and Conan prepare to do their Local News Segment sketch. Turns out Andy happened to be wearing a green shirt in front of a green screen, so his clothes appeared translucent. Even Conan couldn't contain his laughter.
  • Conan, Zac Efron and La Bamba sing Barbara Ann.
  • Conan's monologue on 12/18/12. Conan was on fire, and that was topped off by a zinger from Andy:
    Conan: There's not a sincere bone in your body.
    Andy: There's one. (Conan laughs so hard and goes over to Andy to shake his hand)
  • Bill Burr's rant about Lance Armstrong. While the rant is hilarious in itself, many watchers were more focused on Conan laughing so hard he has to hold back tears. And it's genuine laughter, too.
    Bill Burr: No, the whole thing was annoying and I hate how Oprah was interviewing him and acting like she was dumbfounded that this guy would do this. Like she's been in show business for 35 years and she can't like wrap her head around some guy doing whatever it takes to get to the next level. Didn't she for like the first five years have midgets who wanted to bang the mailman's boyfriend and she didnít want to do it. She didn't want to do it, but she didn't have the power to say no, so she rode it out. And then when she could make her decision, she did a show. But she stood on the heads of those little people for five years [at this point, Conan laughs hysterically] and then she's sitting there across from this guy like, "so how could you...". You know exactly what he's doing! It's the stupidest thing Iíve ever seen. Look, the guy was a sociopath on a bicycle, alright? As far as I'm concerned, we got off easy. If that guy was working for a corporation he probably would have been porn stuffing the water supply doing God knows what. Just keep him on the bike, just let him go up and down the hills, he's not hurting anybody.
  • During a sketch featuring a man dressed in Simon Cowell's tight T-shirt, part of the interior of the costume fell off when the man left the stage. Andy drew attention to this, and Conan asked the behind-the-curtain stagehand what happened. Instead of coming out and handing the object to Conan, the stagehand merely underhand-tossed the object across the stage. Conan's reaction to this oddity was priceless.
    Conan: (as stagehand) "Show's called "Conan". You're Conan, you pick it up!"
  • After one "Fan Corrections", the audience booed loudly. But Conan was puzzled: "Who are we booing again??" After a couple seconds, a woman from the audience shouted, "THAT guy!" (referring to the fan who sent in the correction) This amused Conan, who claimed one person spoke for the entire audience.
    Conan: (in Edward G. Robinson accent) The results are in, Conan, and it was that guy, see??
  • Conan's Christmas decorations for the 2010 holiday season. Godzilla carrying a candy cane. A rabbi robot. A giant inflatable chicken sandwich.
  • Kevin Pollak's dead-on impersonations of Christopher Walken and Jack Nicholson, particularly the latter. It was as if Jack himself was in the room.
  • Conan visits the American Girl store. Hilarity Ensues.
  • Conan's surly reactions to Bill Tull's Cinco de Mayo money-saving tips during the rehearsal. Conan noted that none of the examples are really "money-saving", just "making things crazily". Two of the best instances:
    • Tull: "Take some chloroform, breathe it in, BOOM, siesta." Andy: "Aren't you tired of the high cost of naps?"
    • Tull: "Take a can of Beefaroni, pour it down the back of your pants, BOOM, montezuma's revenge." Conan: "I'm tired of expensive diarrhea. You guys have lost your fucking minds."
  • The entirety of Conan's car ride with Ice Cube and Kevin Hart.
    Ice Cube: Have you ever got robbed?
    Driver: Uh, no, not yet.
    Ice Cube: (reaching into front seat) All right motherfucker... (Conan laughs)
  • After the Running Gag of "Alex Trebek Has Gone Insane", which manipulates Jeopardy! clues into hilarious gibberish, Trebek himself starts Adam Westing by getting back at Conan and sentence-mixing one of Conan's monologues into total gibberish. Alex then finishes up like so:
    Conan: Okay, Alex, I guess we're even now.
    Alex: All right, I'll agree to that, we're even. But before I go, I just want to leave you with one more thought. The next time you consider taking a person's words out of context and manipulating all of that to make them look foolish, I want you to think about this: The ex-president of Ukraine, James Van Der Beek, often massages weasels in order to extract this foul smelling waxy secretion that has bridge engineers all over the world screaming, 'Whassup?!'"
    • The best gibberish clue: "Oh my gosh. Rosie O'Donnell's dog took a crap in her mouth. It helps boost the immune system." Andy was greatly amused by this afterwards.
    Conan: That guy's gone off the rails! And apparently, they'll type anything he says.
    • Volume 7 has someone actually get one right:
    Alex: Oh my! Miley Cyrus blew 240,000 marsupials by using a vacuum pump in a trailer park, perhaps contributing to her violent hatred of muskrats & mankind.
    Contestant: What is Scientology?
    Alex: Yes, that's it.
    Conan: Someone got one right! Finally!
  • Even if you're not a fan of the Nick Offerman Reads Tweets from Young Female Celebrities segments, there is one that is undoubtedly hilarious
    Nick Offerman: Amanda Bynes tweeted..."Rawrr!"
  • A rehearsal outtake from the recurring segment where Andy lists the upcoming news stories he's working on for the week featured a bit about cow catapults. In the aired episode, a prop cow fell from the ceiling, but in rehearsal, the cow was merely lazily tossed by one of the stagehands. Andy chuckled at this, and Conan remarked, "Perfect! Don't change a thing!"
  • Any time Conan has George R.R. Martin on the show, Hilarity Ensues. GRRM consistently expresses his surprise that Game of Thrones is actually more violent than his original novels, and sometimes he has to reign in the show writers. And then he mentions a fan contest where someone won a replica of the Iron Throne:
    Conan: You're telling me that some guy in Hoboken is sitting on the Iron Throne right now? ::strikes a pose:: "A pizza shall be delivered!"
  • When the cast of Orange Is the New Black made an appearance, nearly every word out of Lea DeLaria's mouth was hilarious. Especially notable was the anecdote where Natasha Lyonne went to her for advice on how to properly simulate Lesbian sex. Her terminology and hand movements indicate something that can leave the average viewer scratching their heads...
    Lea DeLaria: And...look for the car keys, look for the car keys, Judy Garland...Joan Crawford.
  • In the third WikiBear sketch, Conan admonished the bear for (once again) bringing up disturbing facts that kids don't need to know. There was a brief pause, and Conan and WikiBear accidentally began to speak at the same time, prompting WikiBear to ad-lib and say, "Go ahead, sorry, I interrupted you!"
    • Or how the fifth one ended:
    Conan: [covering WikiBear's mouth after having had enough of yet more disturbing tales] We're gonna take a break. No more, WikiBear! [removes his hand from WikiBear's mouth, looks up at the camera, as if he's about to say, "We'll be right back", when suddenly...]
    WikiBear: The wealthy are above morality! [Conan's mouth stays agape for about two seconds; it's very clear he wasn't expecting that to happen; then...]
    Conan: [laughing] What?!
    WikiBear: [his voice actor, Brian Stack, giggles into the mic, then responds] You can't handle the truth.
    Conan: What are you ad-libbing, WikiBear?!
    WikiBear: I just wanna see Pierce Brosnan, let's move it along!
    Conan: [turns the bear towards him, and looks down] That wasn't on the script, WikiBear!
    WikiBear: Deal with it!
  • Every "Clueless Gamer" episode ever.
  • The whole "Larry King wants to be cryogenically frozen" interview:
    Conan: I was shocked that you want to be cryogenically frozen, why?
    Larry: Okay. I don't believe in an afterlife. I never made that leap of faith. So when you die, it's bye, bye, baby.
    Conan: Lights out, goodbye.
    Larry: So the only hope, the only fragment of hope is to be frozen and then some day they cure whatever you died of and you're back. So in other words you put me in the ground or you burn me up, eggghhh, I don't want that. I want to have a— I'm Jewish. We got to have hope. I have a fragment of hope (squeezes his fingers together), my wife is-
    Conan: I thought you were saying you want to be frozen at this size. "I want to be made real small, frozen and put in someone's drink."
    Larry: My wife... why do I come here?
    Conan: Larry, why does anybody come here?
    Larry: My wife is a devout Mormon. She is totally opposed to this. I said, "Look, I know you like to control things, but I can't die the way I want to die?" So I want to- pay attention: When I go, I want to be frozen.
    Conan: Well why are you putting the responsibility on me? Now I have got to go busting in to the hospital or wherever or Dodger stadium, wherever you are, I go to go busting in and say, "Everybody back, I'm taking him to the freezer!" You know. "Everybody back!"
    Larry: I have no idea. If, under the presumption that you don't believe there is anything after this, why is it stupid?
    Conan: I wouldn't say it's stupid. The only thing I always think about, they freeze you, all right. Then they unfreeze you and then they get you going again. At some point you got to go, right?
    Larry: But wait a second, at least you have another chance, what if by that time-
    Conan: You just want another TV show. You want thirty years from now, you come cracking out of the ice and go it's "Larry King ALIVE!" That's what you want!
    Larry: All right, why is that bad?
    Conan: Not a bad idea. I'll be there with you. I'll be a head in a jar floating. I'll be your first guest.
    Larry: My wife says to me, "It's stupid, you won't know anybody." I said, "I'll make new friends."
    Andy: Are you having your whole body frozen?
    Larry: A new book called out, "The Kid," the story of Ted Williams. The first chapter by Ben Bradley Jr., and there are two ways you can do it. You can do the whole body or they cut off the head, put the head aside and then attach it to a different body. It sounds weird.
    Conan: You know what I want? I want a different body now, that's what I want. I would like this head put on a great body now.
    Larry: Why? You have a great body.
    Conan: ...Hel-lo!
    Larry: You do.
    Conan: When did you notice that?
    Larry: I noticed it, Conan, when you did the little walk off there with that crazy bit with the Russian guy with the bear, you know. You know, folks, that wasn't in Russia.
    Conan: Now look what you did!
    Larry: Well, I hate to spoil your day.
    Conan: I had them right here where I wanted them! They thought it was a real guy and a real bear!
  • When Seth MacFarlane was a guest promoting the Ted DVD and Blu-ray, Conan showcased the Ted teddy bear as well. It was supposed to speak when you squeezed its paw, but nothing happened.
    Seth: Huh. Well, most of the others work, folks.
    (Conan tries the other paw; nothing happens)
    Seth: Naw, they gave you a bum bear.
    Conan: What terrible advertising for this bear. (smiles into camera)
  • Samantha Gordon, a 10-year old football player, was a guest on the show because she appeared on a Wheaties box. When Conan brought it up, Samantha admitted Wheaties wasn't her favorite cereal. After the audience laughed, Conan asked the obvious question: "What's your favorite cereal?" Samantha replied: "I like Reese's Puffs...", causing Conan to burst out laughing and add, "Of course you do!"
    Conan: But it's an honor to be on the box, that's the important thing.
    Samantha: Yeah, (waving her hands in the air) the breakfast of champions.
    Conan: ...That sounded sarcastic. (laughs)
  • Triumph covered the World Cup in New York, and in the third video he vowed to hump a dog from every country represented in the sport. The twist came when they got to Brazil: Instead of a dog, Triumph humped an iguana. Triumph got winded trying to please it.
    Triumph: ...Am I doing something wrong here??
  • Coffee Table Books That Didn't Sell is almost always good for a laugh. A particularly good one is "Shy Stallone" from 6/2/14, which consists of pictures of Sylvester Stallone hiding from the camera, including behind a tree, in a locker, in a leaf pile, and in a mailbox.
    • In the same episode was a book about cats that wouldn't have saved that kid (a reference to a then-recent viral video of a cat saving a kid from a vicious dog). Andy lampshaded how quickly the book came out:
    Conan: Now a couple weeks ago, everyone was talking about the cat that saved the boy from an attacking dog. That was a huge story. Well check out this book-
    Andy: (laughing) They already made a book?!
    Conan: ("shut up" look on his face) They already made a book, and it... (pushes desk mic down) They already made a book, and it already didn't sell.
    Andy: Oh wow!
    Conan: Yes!
    Andy: Such a fast world we live in!
    Conan: THAT'S HOW FAST THINGS MOVE!!!
    Andy: Wow!
    Conan: Incredible!... You, you bastard. (Andy briefly sticks his head in Conan's shot and smiles)
    • In light of Bill Cosby's rape accusations, we have "Careful of the Coz": A pop-up book where Cosby's head pops up wherever women are.
  • Olivia Munn visits, and talks about her Hilariously Abusive Childhood at the hands of her Asian Tiger Mom. She maintains that her childhood was probably different than Conan's because "white people don't hit their kids." Cue Jeff Garlin and Andy Richter on the other side of the couch, laughing incredulously.
    Jeff Garlin: Have you been to the South?!
    Andy Richter: Have you been to a Wal-mart?
  • Triumph the Insult Comic Dog profiles the mascots of Time Square, riddling them with quips about their crappy costumes and sad lives (including confusing a Buzz Lightyear for Jay Leno and asking him why he didn't invest wisely). After trying to break into the racket as a bootleg Elmo, Triumph finally begins wearing a giant Triumph suit instead — not only doing a brisk business, but pimping out the other mascots as well.
  • Dr. Phil vs. Punxsutawney Dr. Phil. It ended with the real Dr. Phil pulling out a knife and asking Punxsutawney if he wants to dance.
  • The 2014 interview with Harrison Ford:
    • Conan bribed Ford to reveal a spoiler for the upcoming Star Wars movie. After much hesitation, and cheers from the audience, Ford pocketed the $1,000. After a pause: "A long time ago... in a place far, far away..." The audience erupted. Andy had to correct him: "A galaxy far, far away."
    Ford: But, I hear they're, uh......... they're thinking of.... doing another one.
    Ford: I had not seen Anchorman 1.
    Conan: You hadn't seen the first Anchorman.
    Ford: No.
    Conan: Oh, so you didn't know what you were in for.
    Ford: I had no idea.
    Conan: You thought this was a serious movie about anchormen. You showed up, you had no idea.
    Ford: I knew it was a comedy... but I didn't know what kind of comedy. (Conan laughs)
    (...)
    Ford: They [Will Ferrell and his posse] don't care about anything, except... the joke.
    Conan: Yeah.
    Ford: (concerned tone) But I don't know what the joke is, and maybe... (Conan laughs)
    Conan: I can't wait to see the movie now, 'cause you're just gonna wander in, look around, and wander off-camera. That's what's gonna happen.
  • Whenever a beautiful woman is a guest on the show, Conan notices that more crew members than usual suddenly show up to ogle her. This is always taken to ridiculous extremes, like how Conan notices a piano tuner is still on the set, or a tower bell ringer, or a Steve Harvey impersonator, or a human applause sign.
  • Will Ferrell's video threat to Conan, hijacking a cute viral video of a dog eating bubbles: "La Raza is coming for you, ese. La Raza! I've been training right now, I've been up for four straight days, drinking Rockstar Energy Drink like it's water, because I will not rest until you are smooth! What's that sound? What's that sound? La Raza! I'm gonna take that beard and give it a burial at sea. And by "burial at sea", I mean flush it down my TOILET! (coughs) Your beard makes me vomit. Every time I look at your beard, it's like God is urinating in my eyes!!! You better sleep with one eye open, 'cause on May 2nd, my straight razor is gonna do the Lambada on your face. (hisses)"
  • When Dick Van Dyke was interviewed at the end of 2014, he began talking about Night at the Museum 3: Secret of the Tomb:
    Dick: I bring out the plot and tell them there's something wrong with the jewel, or whatever it is.
    Conan: (laughs) God bless you, Dick Van Dyke. You learn the lines and forget them. "The jewel or whatever it is. Give me my check."
  • On the 2/17/15 episode, Conan asked the audience if anyone saw Fifty Shades of Grey over the opening weekend. Nobody cheered or clapped, and one audience member replied, "No." Conan burst out laughing in response.
    Andy: I think we might have some liars.
    Conan: No, I don't think they saw it.
  • Buzzfeed's Running Out of Lists Vol. 9: "15 Timmys Who Really Are the Reason For Their Parents' Divorce", mainly for Andy's sarcastic comment when a picture of one of the Timmys is shown:
    Andy: Look at that asshole!
  • On the 3/25/2015 episode, Conan brings out Wikibear who mentions disturbing facts once again.
    • Wikibear ends up talking about the Boston Molasses Disaster of 1919.
      Wikibear: You know what's even sweeter than strawberry shortcake? The Boston Molasses Disaster of 1919 — when an exploding storage tank caused 2,000,000 gallons of sweet sticky molasses to flood the streets, and kill more than 20 people and their horses. Giddy-up!
      Conan: Yes, I am aware that that did happen, That was a terrible tragedy. I don't think kids wanna hear about that.
      Wikibear: Many people tried to flee, but became ensnared in the molasses and drowned. Glug glug!
      Conan: Yeah, I don't think that's something kids wanna hear about.
      Wikibear: Imagine gasping for air only to have your lungs fill up with thick sugary syrup. Yum yum!
      Conan: No! Not "yum yum."
      Wikibear: What a sweet sweet death.
      Conan: No! Not s- No.
    • After talking about the story "Good Night, Moon", Wikibear talks about deceased rhythm and blues singer Johnny Ace.
      Wikibear: Conan, you know who didn't have a good night? The late R&B singer Johnny Ace, who back in 1954 accidently shot himself in the face with his own gun. Kablammy!
      Conan: Okay, um... I — I — I didn't know about that. No, I — I didn't—
      Wikibear: One witness said Johnny was drunk and playing with his pistol. His last words were "Gun's not loaded, see?" But the only thing Johnny's friends saw were his brains exiting his skull. I'm Wikibear!
      Conan: Okay, no, no, no, no. I don't wanna hear—
      Wikibear: Boom boom! I've heard of an "Ace in the Hole", but this is a real "Hole in the Ace".
      Conan: [disgusted] OH NO! No!
      Wikibear: That's wordplay. Deal with it.
  • Any time Christopher Walken "calls" Conan during the show.
    Conan: You know, Andy, tonight's the night of the live Peter Pan on NBC.
    Andy: Oh yeah, yeah. I saw they were doing that. Um, I wonder how it's going, because I think it's actually airing right now.
    Conan: Yes. [Conan's cellphone rings] Hello?
    Christopher Walken: Hello? Conan?
    Conan: Oh hey! Is this Christopher Walken?
    Christopher Walken: I believe so.
    Conan: Wait, you 'believe so'? You're not sure?
    Christopher Walken: Well, here's the thing. I'm not dressed like Christopher Walken, I'm dressed up like that guy on the bottle of rum.
    Conan: Yeah, okay. Christopher, that's because right now you're in Peter Pan at this very moment.
    Christopher Walken: Wait, there's more. I've got a hook for a hand. They took my hand!
    Conan: They didn't...
    Christopher Walken: How am I supposed to eat corn?
    Conan: No, okay. Christopher, it's not a real hook. You see, you're playing the character Captain Hook in Peter Pan.
    Christopher Walken: I am? Wow! Sounds fun! When are we filming?
    Conan: You're filming right now. It's a live production. You're on the air at this moment!
    Christopher Walken: Oh.
    Conan: Christopher, why are you calling me?
    Christopher Walken: I don't know, you seem like a fun guy. You jump around a lot.
    Conan: I jump around a lot, yeah. You shouldn't be talking to me right now, I'm in the middle of a show, you're in the middle of show.
    Christopher Walken: We both have shows? Wow! Which Peter Pan character are you playing?
    Conan: No no no no no, Christopher, I'm not playing in Peter Pan.
    Christopher Walken Hold on, Conan, a guy in a headset is telling me to say my line.
    Conan: Yeah, okay, I can't help you, I don't know your line.
    Christopher Walken: Oh come on, man! You gotta help me!
    Conan: Okay, what's the last thing someone said to you?
    Christopher Walken: They said, "You idiot, put the phone down, you're ruining this live production of Peter Pan".
    Conan: Okay, what did they say before that?
    Christopher Walken: Well, the flying green bean just said, "Who are you?".
    Conan: Okay that's, okay that's Peter Pan. She said "who are you", you say "I'm Captain Hook!".
    Christopher Walken: Okay, hold on. Let's see if that works. [in background] I'm Captain Hook! [on phone] Wow, that seemed to have really worked. You're a lifesaver!
    Conan: Okay Christopher, gotta go, thank you. [hangs up] Sorry about that everybody. [phone rings again] Hello?
    Christopher Walken: Conan, it's me again, Christopher Walken.
    Conan: Yes, I know.
    Christopher Walken: What's my next line?
    Conan: I DON'T KNOW YOUR NEXT LINE! [hangs up]
    • He calls again on 4/1/15.
      Conan: This week, NBC made an announcement. They announced that their next live musical telecast will be The Wiz. That's a big announcement. NBC, yeah, they're going to do a telecast of The Wiz. They've already had success with live versions of The Sound of Music, that was a big hit. And last year's Peter Pan, which starred Allison Williams and Christopher Walken as Captain Hook. Well anyway, The Wiz is going to feature performers from Cirque du Soleil, which means you're gonna really [cellphone rings] Hello?
      Christopher Walken: Hello? Conan?
      Conan: Yes. Hello, who's this?
      Christopher Walken: It's me, Christopher Walken. What can I do for you? Make it quick.
      Conan: No, Christopher, you called me.
      Christopher Walken: Oh, that's great, I'm glad I did, because I have a question. Where do I go for this Wiz gig?
      Conan: What?
      Christopher Walken: The Wiz on NBC. I'm ready to go. I've got my pirate outfit on.
      Conan: There's no pirate in The Wiz.
      Christopher Walken: Oh. Good. So they haven't cast it yet.
      Conan: No no no no no, there's no pirate in the story at all, it's based on The Wizard of Oz.
      Christopher Walken: Oh come on, Conan, you can get me in there. Pull some strings.
      Conan: What strings can I pull?
      Christopher Walken: Come on, you're hot property over at the peacock. You and the Friends guys.
      Conan: Friends? No, that was a while ago.
      Christopher Walken: And that Jerry Seinberg, he's hilarious. Oh, and that show with George Clooney, Ehrr.
      Conan: No, you mean ER. Mr. Walken, I've been on TBS [motions for the audience to quiet down] I've been on TBS for the past five years.
      Christopher Walken: You're on TBS? Well, if the doctor said you need it, you should keep taking it. Watch the dosage, though. That stuff messed me up good in the late seventies.
      Conan: Sounds like it, yeah. It's not a drug, it's a TV network.
      Christopher Walken: A TV network?! Wow! That reminds me, can you get a part on NBC's The Wiz?
      Conan: No, no. The Wiz has an African-American cast.
      Christopher Walken: Oh, no problem. I can play black with a little makeup.
      Conan: NO! NO! That's a bad idea.
      Christopher Walken: I bet a little grease paint would do the trick.
      Conan: Nooo.
      Christopher Walken: Can you imagine, a white man performing and singing as a black man.
      Conan: Uh huh, yeah.
      Christopher Walken: It'll blow people's minds!
      Conan: Yeah, it'll blow people's minds. Trust me, you do not want to do that.
      Christopher Walken: I'm very convincing as a black guy. Did you see Kevin Hart's stand up special?
      Conan: Yes. Yes I did.
      Christopher Walken: That was me.
      Conan: Okay no! No it wasn't.
      Christopher Walken: April Fools.
      Conan: Okay no. You didn't fool me.
      Christopher Walken: Then why did you call me?
      Conan: No! You called me!
      Christopher Walken: Well, I'm glad I did. Do you think you could turn some strings and get me into The Wiz?
      Conan: No! Forget it, bye bye. [hangs up] The big question, how does the hook hold the phone?
      • In both calls, the image of Walken is him dressed as Captain Hook, holding the phone to his ear with the hook.
  • Bryce Dallas Howard demonstrating her ability to cry on cue as Conan prompts her with a boring rant about how under-appreciated Home Depot is. What does it is that she keeps responding to what Conan is saying as if it really is making her sad. And then it gets capped off by Conan being reminded that one of the show's sponsors is Lowe's.
  • On the 6/15/15 episode, Conan announced that Jeb Bush was running for president. Nobody in the audience applauded or cheered, and groaned in disgust (Andy remarked that the audience sounded like cattle). Conan wondered if Jeb would tune in to see how the audience reacted to his announcement only to hear groans.
  • In one remote segment, Conan investigated graphic designer Pierre Bernard's creepy doll collection. At one point, Pierre started discussing a female mannequin that he wants to purchase so that he can make a lamp out of it.
    Conan: Okay, you're fired. You're fired. I'm gonna take- you're fired, you no longer work here. And, you're going to the hospital.
  • In one of the Chicago shows, Conan visited an Abraham Lincoln gift shop and found a DVD called "Lincoln's Last Night", which Conan claimed was a porno. He saw some of it and said it was fantastic. Cue footage of said movie, with Lincoln making a hilarious but disturbing "oh" face.
  • When Conan gave performance reviews to his employees, he asked one of them if he would be physically able to carry him out of the building if there was a fire. The employee answered they'd be able to do it like a sack of potatoes. Conan immediately took offense, claiming he brought up the potatoes thing because he was Irish. The employee said it could be anything; Conan finished it for him: "A sack of shit, maybe?" The employee answered, "Well, shit is something."
    Conan: You just called me a sack of shit to my face! What's your fucking problem?! What's wrong with you?! Do you want to be fired?!
  • Ever since Donald Trump started his campaign for president in 2015, Conan's made at least one joke about him in the monologues for each episode, including doing his Trump impression where he pulls his hair forward, puckers his lips, and says "Yuh fiyud!" In one episode, he admitted that he badly wanted Trump to be president because it would make his job as a comedian so easy.
  • Getting a massage from Deadpool that quickly turns into a medical emergency.
    Deadpool: ...where is your ass? Where is your ass?! MEDIC!
    Conan: It's not my fault!
    Deadpool: MEDIIIIIIC!
  • Chikpea, a chicken puppet, predicted who would win the World Series. When it came time to give his prediction (done by laying an egg which had a team written on it), Chikpea turned around and grunted, but no egg came out. He tried again and again, causing Andy to laugh loudly off-screen. Finally, he laid the egg. Conan lampshaded: "Why did we hear the sound of the hatching long before the hatching, Chikpea?"
  • The 12/17/2015 cold open, wherein Jango Fett (T.J. Miller), Oola (Aisha Tyler), Lando Calrissian (Ron Funches), Bib Fortuna (Brian Kiley), and Dengar (Andy) all sit at Jerry's Famous Diner on Ventura, bemoaning how they didn't get into Force Awakens, before sheepishly admitting they'll all see it anyway. Even worse, Conan's Lobot wants to join them, and he's a total dick.
    Lobot: Lando! Been a while. You're lookin'... (Indicating a paunch) SWELL. What're you smuggling these days, Chicken McNuggets? G'dang b'bang!
    Lando: You hard-boiled egg, Beats-by-Dre-wearin' motherf***r.
  • When Hank Azaria was interviewed in 2014, he did his impression of Chief Wiggum singing "Let it Go" from Frozen. But that wasn't the funny part. Conan noted how Hank tends to talk out of the side of his mouth whenever he does Chief Wiggum's voice; this prompted a slow motion replay (with lower-pitched audio) of Hank doing Wiggum. But Conan and Hank weren't expecting it, so they were legitimately confused by what sounded like a demonic voice.
    Hank Azaria: That was terrifying.
  • Rob Lowe told about when he met Cary Grant, and at the time he didn't know much about him. He only wanted to "bang his daughter". The audience uneasily laughed and Conan remarked: "What a charming story."
    Conan: "So I met the great Fred Astaire, tryin' to bang his daughter!!"
  • Anytime the audience snickers when Conan has supposed "proof" that he's right in Fan Corrections.
    Conan: Believe it or not, I have footage of a secret meeting between Nintendo's CEO- (audience starts to laugh) can we just pretend this is true? You gonna get behind me on this or not? The show's free, all right?!
  • La Bamba Legal, a parody of courtroom shows which seems constructed solely to screw up La Bamba.
    La Bamba: Your honor, esteemed members of the jury... as you judge this case, consider the defendant, a man who knowingly used this caustic liquid right here, in his textile factory, just to save a buck. But also consider the fifteen Vietnamese workers who lost their lives because of one man's greed. Consider the life of the... La... keemtram family... a... adon... and... the families of Kwee Pa Kwok? (laughs) Nah Wo Me Ma Tu... (laughs) Consider the deceased American factory manager, Michelle Reed, who won't be home tonight to tuck in her nine adopted Uzbekistan children: Alubec... Mary Ja-Jo Manal... Min... Mirceau Pannnnl... ybi... Calaladeen, Shamislan, and... Quaserswemistan.
    (clip ends)
    Conan: You were trying to so hard, La Bamba! God bless you. All right, I hope there are more episodes of that show. I don't know if there will be, but I just hope there will.
    • A year later, La Bamba Lethal, where La Bamba played an assassin who took forever to put a gun together.
  • When Conan and a professional organizer clean Jordan Schlansky's messy office, they finally get it looking presentable. Conan says this could be the start of a new life for Jordan, and asks him:
    Conan: Jordan, do you feel changed?
    Jordan: No.
    (Conan laughs incredulously)
  • The "Clueless Gamer" segments are always good for a laugh, as Conan blunders his way through a popular video game. But one of the most hilarious is the segment featuring Overwatch, where he plays with Peter Dinklage and Lena Headey. It becomes clear about halfway through the segment that Peter, who feigned complete cluelessness in the beginning, is a ringer, smoking everyone in multiplayer while making hilarious game faces.
    Conan: Please kill him. He's getting very cocky.
  • The 7/6/16 episode had one of the best combinations of guests ever: Larry King, the first guest, was followed by porn historian Brian Watson. Larry repeatedly invoked Grumpy Old Man while Brian talked, saying things like "I'm not going to have to live through this" and insinuating that Brian was wasting his life by being a porn historian, asking how it contributed positively to mankind and asking him what he wanted to do with his life.

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Funny/Conan