Funny / Conan

"Look, I'm Dobby from Harry Potter!"

Basic Cable Name That Tune

• In one, Jimmy played the opening notes of Hotel California, but played the last note off-key. It ended up sounding really depressing, which Conan noted:
  Conan: That really bummed me out.
• One of the songs sounded like (but can prove it isn't in a court of law!) "Hey Jude", but the audience member that Conan picked started singing the actual song. Conan cut her off before she could sing too much, warning they'd have to pay otherwise. Later in the same segment, Conan starts singing "Sherry Baby", lampshading how he broke his own rule.

Buzzfeed's Running Out of Lists

• Buzzfeed's Running Out of Lists Vol. 9: "15 Timmys Who Really Are the Reason For Their Parents' Divorce", mainly for Andy's sarcastic comment when a picture of one of the Timmys is shown:
  Andy: Look at that asshole!

Clueless Gamer

• During a "Vintage Gaming" special, Conan gets out the classic Atari 2600 console and blunders his way through some extremely primitive games, remarking on how, despite not being a gamer himself, he can appreciate the beauty and hard work put into their creation. These, on the other hand, are just crap.
  Conan (reading the Missile Command player's manual): "Aliens from the planet Krytol have begun an attack on the planet Zardon. The Krytolians are..." This is so sad. Someone had to write this. And you know we're just going to see, like three blips.
• Inviting Marshawn Lynch and Rob Gronkowski to play Mortal Kombat X goes off the rails very quickly, as Marshawn and Gronk descend into an extremely nerdy argument about the best character to play in Mario Kart, leaving Conan utterly confused. Then Gronk decides to spontaneously become a paid spokesperson for Lipitor, even if he doesn't know what it actually does:
  Gronk: Lipitor! If you're hard for more than four hours-
  Conan: No! That's not what it does!
  • Also, Conan's horrified reaction to the Fatalities, especially Quan Chi's Mind Game^note in which he makes the opponent walk mouth-first into a sword which results in Conan curling up in Troubled Fetal Position, thumb-sucking and all.
• During G4 week, Conan hosts a three-on-three tournament of Halo 5: Guardians, featuring himself, Andy, and Aaron Blayaert versus the cast of Silicon Valley. Conan Epically Fails the first round, as he gets lost in the basement of the level and completely misses the battle. He then asks them to tell him where they're fighting in the next round, by calling out "Yoo-hoo!"
  Thomas Middleditch: Hey, Conan! Yoo-hoo! [blam]
• Playing Doom (2016) with NFL stars Von Miller and Josh Norman (and later Marshawn Lynch), diehard Patriots fan Conan gives Von grief for sacking Tom Brady in a recent playoff game and making his daughter cry. Then, later:
  Conan: [after Von kills a monster by punching it] Wow, does that happen sometimes? When you sack people, they just blow up?
  Von Miller: Yeah, Tom Brady, he blew up.
• Realizing that Gears of War 4 has a reputation for being very violent and intense, Conan enlists Wiz Khalifa to play with him, in the hopes that Wiz will keep things mellow. Sure enough, he sparks one up right at the beginning of the session, and offers one to Conan. Conan initially declines, until Aaron begins his long and complicated description of the plot, at which point he feels like he needs something. Once they start playing it becomes even funnier, as the mellow Wiz Khalifa turns out to be an absolute Blood Knight:
  Wiz Khalifa: Yeah, come on! Imma f*** up your lunch!
• Conan plays Overwatch with Peter Dinklage and Lena Headey. It becomes clear about halfway through the segment that Peter, who feigned complete cluelessness in the beginning, is a ringer, smoking everyone in multiplayer while making hilarious faces.
  Conan: Please kill him. He's getting very cocky.
• Conan and Elijah Wood play Final Fantasy XV, which Conan dubs "Middle Earth Entourage," much to Elijah's amusement. They end up bewildered and frustrated by the long and convoluted storyline, the mundane tasks disguised as quests, like pushing a broken-down car to a shop, and the three-day-long boss battle. It gets to the point where Conan manhandles Aaron against the wall: "WHY WOULD SOMEBODY PLAY THIS?!" But the icing on the cake is the reveal that, while they were playing, members of the Square Enix development team were listening in to get his input.
• After playing a bit of Battlefield 1 with Terry Crews, Conan gets bummed out by the intensity and seriousness of the game and calls for a "bunny break." Cut to Conan and Terry cuddling bunnies. As they continue to play and the game gets more intense and grim, their bunnies get increasingly larger and fluffier.
  Conan: These bunnies are just oblivious to Man's inhumanity to Man. Of course, next the game will tell us how many bunnies died in the War...
  • Also this bit from the Battlefield 1 playthrough:
    Conan: This game can get kind of depressing. That's why I'm happy you're here, Terry. You're such a positive guy.
    Terry: We're all gonna die, Conan.
• The 2017 Super Bowl edition consists mainly of Patriots fan Conan gushing over Tom Brady (and apologizing profusely when he beats Tom at For Honor completely by accident). Tom, meanwhile, is all business, beating Conan in a rematch and then dropping his controller with way more ceremony than the act deserves.
• After playing Middle-earth: Shadow of War with Kumail Nanjiani for a little while, Kumail stops to reveal that he himself voiced a character that is about to show up in the game, and he hasn't played it yet, so he's absolutely terrified at what it's going to sound like. It turns out "The Agonizer" sounds like an Orc with Kumail Nanjiani's voice.
  Conan: They didn't do anything to your voice! It's like they just used outtakes from Silicon Valley!
  • In the same segment, when Conan introduces Aaron as usual, Aaron kind of sneaks in even though he was announced. Conan declares that was the worst walk-on for anybody ever.
• While the segment where Conan plays God of War (PS4) with Bill Hader occasionally veers into Dude, Not Funny! territory, given the amount of abuse they heap onto Aaron, they do manage to hilariously skewer the game's over-reliance on cutscenes and Quicktime Events (Conan notes he's not even touching his controller during one pivotal action sequence), as well as point out just how awful of a father Kratos is:
  Bill Hader: Well, you're good and f***ed up now, kid. Congratulations.
• Ron Funches helping Conan navigate the convoluted storyline behind the Dragon Ball Z mobile game is priceless, since Ron knows the lore, and his explanations are both accurate and hilarious:
  Ron Funches: That's the main character, Goku. He's the world's greatest fighter, but not a great dad, since he's either off fighting somebody, or he's dead.
• The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt:
  • Conan is amused that, amidst the fantasy atmosphere, there's an item called "chicken sandwich".
  • Conan wants to get to a sex scene in the game. After much waiting, he joke-chokes Aaron and warns him, "You get me to some sex, and soon, or you're dead!"
  • He has to fight a Water Hag. He's so desperate for a sex scene that he admits that as long as she's not unbelievably homely, he's up for it.
  • Conan noting that despite being in a bathhouse with half-naked women, the main character can't have sex with any of them. He calls the country "Blue Ballsia".
  • When the main character is doing a spraying attack, Conan riffs:
    Conan: You know what that is? His backed-up semen.
  • When the sex scene finally does arrive (the two main characters doing it on a unicorn), Conan pushes Aaron out of the room. After some suggestive imagery involving flowers blooming, it cuts back to Conan with messy hair, and Aaron looking uncomfortable.
    Conan: The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt comes out May 19th... and it's the greatest thing that's ever happened. (to Aaron) Sorry about the crying at the end.
• Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare:
  • The plot of the game is that South Korea's been invaded. Conan wonders why this is America's problem:
  Conan: Good luck, South Korea. We'll be building bridges in the Midwest!
  • Facing a drone at the beginning of the game, Conan is so full of adrenaline that he lets out a really long scream as he fires at it.
    Conan: That was the greatest feeling I've ever experienced, and I've watched two of my children be born!
  • Conan's reaction to "Hold X to pay respects" during a funeral scene.
  • After getting a bionic arm:
    Conan: If I had a robot left hand, let's just say I never would've left my dorm room in college. (to camera) A-shaba-daba-ding.
  • Conan dying over and over when trying to cross a busy freeway, and getting increasingly aggravated by the NPC yelling "Get across the street!" He eventually notices that he could've taken a walkway instead.
• Tomb Raider (2013):
  • The Running Gag of Lara dying by being impaled through the neck with tree branches. Even after a traumatized Conan handed off the controller to Aaron and pleaded for it not to happen again, it did anyway.
• Resident Evil 6:
  • Conan spamming the "good work!" button to try to impress his female partner.
• Halo 4:
  • Conan punches an enemy down an elevator shaft:
    Conan: Ha-haaaa!! Lingerie, third floor.
  • Conan and Andy Richter's cameo as background characters in one level.
    Soldier 1: (Conan's voice) This is a pretty sweet union we're in.
    Soldier 2: (Andy's voice) It's fantastic.
    Soldier 1: Stand near the crates, but don't ever move 'em.
    Soldier 2: Right, right, if anyone even looks at the crates... that's a violation.
    [...]
    Soldier 1: Don't you think rugs would warm this up a little bit?
    Soldier 2: Absolutely, absolutely.
    Soldier 1: Like, literally, I'm not talkin' wall to wall, just five area rugs.
    Soldier 2: Mm-hmm.
    Soldier 1: Or some oriental rugs, and y'know what? Suddenly it's a whole different vibe in here.
    Conan: Gamers must hate this, that I'm talking about area rugs in their sacred game.
• Grand Theft Auto V:
  • This moment.
  • In the back half of the segment, Conan gets thrown out of a strip club for touching the dancer giving him a lapdance, getting into a fight trying to re-enter the club. In a move that would give Trevor pause, he spends the rest of the video trying to blow the place up with a helicopter... ...but not before getting a lapdance from two girls because he died during the fight and so was un-banned by game rules, only following through with his attempt to destroy the place because he got grabby during the dance and got chucked out again.
• Crash Team Racing Nitro-Fueled: They're unable to play the game at first because of technical issues with the TV and PS4. When it finally gets working, Conan fake-fires Aaron. And then there's this line when Conan is ahead of guest Billy Eichner in one of the races: "Wait for me! I'm gay!" Conan joked that Billy just set the gay rights movement back twenty years.
  Bill Eichner: It's Pete Buttigeg's campaign slogan. "Hey Bernie! Wait for me..."

Coffee Table Books That Didn't Sell

• A particularly good one is "Shy Stallone" from 6/2/14, which consists of pictures of Sylvester Stallone hiding from the camera, including behind a tree, in a locker, in a leaf pile, and in a mailbox.
  • In the same episode was a book about cats that wouldn't have saved that kid (a reference to a then-recent viral video of a cat saving a kid from a vicious dog). Andy lampshaded how quickly the book came out:
  Conan: Now a couple weeks ago, everyone was talking about the cat that saved the boy from an attacking dog. That was a huge story. Well check out this book-
  Andy: (laughing) They already made a book?!
  Conan: ("shut up" look on his face) They already made a book, and it... (pushes desk mic down) They already made a book, and it already didn't sell.
  Andy: Oh wow!
  Conan: Yes!
  Andy: Such a fast world we live in!
  Conan: THAT'S HOW FAST THINGS MOVE!!!
  Andy: Wow!
  Conan: Incredible!... You, you bastard. (Andy briefly sticks his head in Conan's shot and smiles)
• In light of Bill Cosby's rape accusations, we have "Careful of the Coz": A pop-up book where Cosby's head pops up wherever women are.

Fan Corrections

• After one "Fan Corrections", the audience booed loudly. But Conan was puzzled: "Who are we booing again??" After a couple seconds, a woman from the audience shouted, "THAT guy!" (referring to the fan who sent in the correction) This amused Conan, who claimed one person spoke for the entire audience.
  Conan: (in Edward G. Robinson accent) The results are in, Conan, and it was that guy, see??
• Anytime the audience snickers when Conan has supposed "proof" that he's right in Fan Corrections.
  Conan: Believe it or not, I have footage of a secret meeting between Nintendo's CEO- (audience starts to laugh) can we just pretend this is true? You gonna get behind me on this or not? The show's free, all right?!
• The Fan Corrections where the error was that Conan said Fresno, CA slandered him, when they really didn't. Conan retorted that Fresno did slander him, and claimed that underneath the song played in the video was another song which insulted Conan:
  ♪ Conan's a perv, and a murderer too
  ♪ You can't call it slander when all of it's true
  ♪ Oh murderer,
  ♪ and pervert.
  ♪ Conan O'Brien:
  ♪ That's indeed what he is.
• An early "Fan Corrections" featured a correction about the difference between venomous and poisonous cobras. A cobra set the record straight:
  Cobra: Hey kid, I got yer "venomous" right here. (points downward with his tail)
  Conan: You don't have a crotch, so don't do that.
  Cobra: I'm ALL crotch, baby!
  Conan: No, shut up.
  Cobra: ...100% crotch.
  Conan: (amused) Shut up! What a wise ass. What a cobra from the Bronx.
• The judo instructor who sent in a video showing that Jack Black's tiger roll was not proper judo. Conan remarked after the video concluded: "What an asshole." He further said that was the most depressing judo class he's ever seen:
  Conan: SIT DOWN OVER THERE WHILE I YELL AT THIS CAMERA!
• A fan pointed out a mistake that Conan misnamed a dinosaur. Conan refuted by pulling up a pre-recorded video of Larry King:
  Larry: I'm the one who named that dinosaur!
• One correction was sent in by a rather melodramatic fan who took issue with the fact that during a bit where Conan mimes paddling a canoe, he's paddling in the wrong direction of his movement. The fan ends his video with an emotional, "Even I know that! And I'm GAY!" To which Conan responds by recruiting gay icon George Takei to explain how water works differently for straight people.

Interviews

• Conan, Zac Efron and La Bamba sing Barbara Ann.
• Bill Burr's rant about Lance Armstrong. While the rant is hilarious in itself, many watchers were more focused on Conan laughing so hard he has to hold back tears. And it's genuine laughter, too.
  Bill Burr: No, the whole thing was annoying and I hate how Oprah was interviewing him and acting like she was dumbfounded that this guy would do this. Like she's been in show business for 35 years and she can't like wrap her head around some guy doing whatever it takes to get to the next level. Didn't she for like the first five years have midgets who wanted to bang the mailman's boyfriend and she didn’t want to do it. She didn't want to do it, but she didn't have the power to say no, so she rode it out. And then when she could make her decision, she did a show. But she stood on the heads of those little people for five years [at this point, Conan laughs hysterically] and then she's sitting there across from this guy like, "so how could you...". You know exactly what he's doing! It's the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen. Look, the guy was a sociopath on a bicycle, alright? As far as I'm concerned, we got off easy. If that guy was working for a corporation he probably would have been pourin' stuff in the water supply, doing God knows what. Just keep him on the bike, just let him go up and down the hills, he's not hurting anybody.
  • He mentioned taking his 2-year old daughter to Dumbo (2019). He didn't realize it was a Tim Burton movie, so immediately after it started, she hid her face. The way Burr describes the opening scenes is hilarious:
  Bill Burr: The guy's bein' all mean to the elephant, I think it was somethin' about zoos, you know, so they had to show him bein' mean: He's like, "Get outta here, ya piece of shit!", or whatever he was saying.
  Conan: He said that to Dumbo?!
  Bill Burr: Well he didn't say- that was his vibe.
• Kevin Pollak's dead-on impersonations of Christopher Walken and Jack Nicholson, particularly the latter. It was as if Jack himself was in the room.
• Any time Conan has George R. R. Martin on the show, Hilarity Ensues. GRRM consistently expresses his surprise that Game of Thrones is actually more violent than his original novels, and sometimes he has to rein in the show writers. And then he mentions a fan contest where someone won a replica of the Iron Throne:
  Conan: You're telling me that some guy in Hoboken is sitting on the Iron Throne right now? ::strikes a pose:: "A pizza shall be delivered!"
• When the cast of Orange Is the New Black made an appearance, nearly every word out of Lea DeLaria's mouth was hilarious. Especially notable was the anecdote where Natasha Lyonne went to her for advice on how to properly simulate Lesbian sex. Her terminology and hand movements indicate something that can leave the average viewer scratching their heads...
  Lea DeLaria: And...look for the car keys, look for the car keys, Judy Garland...Joan Crawford.
• The whole "Larry King wants to be cryogenically frozen" interview:
  Conan: I was shocked that you want to be cryogenically frozen, why?
  Larry: Okay. I don't believe in an afterlife. I never made that leap of faith. So when you die, it's bye, bye, baby.
  Conan: Lights out, goodbye.
  Larry: So the only hope, the only fragment of hope is to be frozen and then some day they cure whatever you died of and you're back. So in other words you put me in the ground or you burn me up, eggghhh, I don't want that. I want to have a— I'm Jewish. We got to have hope. I have a fragment of hope (squeezes his fingers together), my wife is-
  Conan: I thought you were saying you want to be frozen at this size. "I want to be made real small, frozen and put in someone's drink."
  Larry: My wife... why do I come here?
  Conan: Larry, why does anybody come here?
  Larry: My wife is a devout Mormon. She is totally opposed to this. I said, "Look, I know you like to control things, but I can't die the way I want to die?" So I want to- pay attention: When I go, I want to be frozen.
  Conan: Well why are you putting the responsibility on me? Now I have got to go busting in to the hospital or wherever or Dodger stadium, wherever you are, I go to go busting in and say, "Everybody back, I'm taking him to the freezer!" You know. "Everybody back!"
  Larry: I have no idea. If, under the presumption that you don't believe there is anything after this, why is it stupid?
  Conan: I wouldn't say it's stupid. The only thing I always think about, they freeze you, all right. Then they unfreeze you and then they get you going again. At some point you got to go, right?
  Larry: But wait a second, at least you have another chance, what if by that time-
  Conan: You just want another TV show. You want thirty years from now, you come cracking out of the ice and go it's "Larry King ALIVE!" That's what you want!
  Larry: All right, why is that bad?
  Conan: Not a bad idea. I'll be there with you. I'll be a head in a jar floating. I'll be your first guest.
  Larry: My wife says to me, "It's stupid, you won't know anybody." I said, "I'll make new friends."
  Andy: Are you having your whole body frozen?
  Larry: A new book called out, "The Kid," the story of Ted Williams. The first chapter by Ben Bradley Jr., and there are two ways you can do it. You can do the whole body or they cut off the head, put the head aside and then attach it to a different body. It sounds weird.
  Conan: You know what I want? I want a different body now, that's what I want. I would like this head put on a great body now.
  Larry: Why? You have a great body.
  Conan: ...Hel-lo!
  Larry: You do.
  Conan: When did you notice that?
  Larry: I noticed it, Conan, when you did the little walk off there with that crazy bit with the Russian guy with the bear, you know. You know, folks, that wasn't in Russia.
  Conan: Now look what you did!
  Larry: Well, I hate to spoil your day.
  Conan: I had them right here where I wanted them! They thought it was a real guy and a real bear!
• When Seth MacFarlane was a guest promoting the Ted DVD and Blu-ray, Conan showcased the Ted teddy bear as well. It was supposed to speak when you squeezed its paw, but nothing happened.
  Seth: Huh. Well, most of the others work, folks.
  (Conan tries the other paw; nothing happens)
  Seth: Naw, they gave you a bum bear.
  Conan: What terrible advertising for this bear. (smiles into camera)
• Samantha Gordon, a 10-year old football player, was a guest on the show because she appeared on a Wheaties box. When Conan brought it up, Samantha admitted Wheaties wasn't her favorite cereal. After the audience laughed, Conan asked the obvious question: "What's your favorite cereal?" Samantha replied: "I like Reese's Puffs...", causing Conan to burst out laughing and add, "Of course you do!"
  Conan: But it's an honor to be on the box, that's the important thing.
  Samantha: Yeah, (waving her hands in the air) the breakfast of champions.
  Conan: ...That sounded sarcastic. (laughs)
• Olivia Munn visits, and talks about her Hilariously Abusive Childhood at the hands of her Asian Tiger Mom. She maintains that her childhood was probably different than Conan's because "white people don't hit their kids." Cue Jeff Garlin and Andy Richter on the other side of the couch, laughing incredulously.
  Jeff Garlin: Have you been to the South?!
  Andy Richter: Have you been to a Wal-mart?
• In the lead-up to the 2014 Sochi Olympics, Conan had Paralympic gold medalist Alana Nichols as a guest. He probably should have guessed what was coming when she came onstage in a wheelchair...
• The 2014 interview with Harrison Ford:
  • Conan bribed Ford to reveal a spoiler for the upcoming Star Wars movie. After much hesitation, and cheers from the audience, Ford pocketed the $1,000. After a pause: "A long time ago... in a place far, far away..." The audience erupted. Andy had to correct him: "A galaxy far, far away."
  Ford: But, I hear they're, uh......... they're thinking of.... doing another one.
  • Conan showed a montage of Ford angrily pointing in his movies.
  • Ford recalls his experience working in Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues.
  Ford: I had not seen Anchorman 1.
  Conan: You hadn't seen the first Anchorman.
  Ford: No.
  Conan: Oh, so you didn't know what you were in for.
  Ford: I had no idea.
  Conan: You thought this was a serious movie about anchormen. You showed up, you had no idea.
  Ford: I knew it was a comedy... but I didn't know what kind of comedy. (Conan laughs)
  (...)
  Ford: They [Will Ferrell and his posse] don't care about anything, except... the joke.
  Conan: Yeah.
  Ford: (concerned tone) But I don't know what the joke is, and maybe... (Conan laughs)
  Conan: I can't wait to see the movie now, 'cause you're just gonna wander in, look around, and wander off-camera. That's what's gonna happen.
• When Dick Van Dyke was interviewed at the end of 2014, he began talking about Night at the Museum 3: Secret of the Tomb:
  Dick: I bring out the plot and tell them there's something wrong with the jewel, or whatever it is.
  Conan: (laughs) God bless you, Dick Van Dyke. You learn the lines and forget them. "The jewel or whatever it is. Give me my check."
• Bryce Dallas Howard demonstrating her ability to cry on cue as Conan prompts her with a boring rant about how under-appreciated Home Depot is. What does it is that she keeps responding to what Conan is saying as if it really is making her sad. And then it gets capped off by Conan being reminded that one of the show's sponsors is Lowe's.
• Jeff Garlin describing circumcision as "wiener chopping".
  • The fun continued when Angie Harmon came out. Conan was able to get Jeff to laugh loudly (twice!) during the interview.
• When Hank Azaria was interviewed in 2014, he did his impression of Chief Wiggum singing "Let it Go" from Frozen. But that wasn't the funny part. Conan noted how Hank tends to talk out of the side of his mouth whenever he does Chief Wiggum's voice; this prompted a slow motion replay (with lower-pitched audio) of Hank doing Wiggum. But Conan and Hank weren't expecting it, so they were legitimately confused by what sounded like a demonic voice.
  Hank Azaria: That was terrifying.
• Rob Lowe told about when he met Cary Grant, and at the time he didn't know much about him. He only wanted to "bang his daughter". The audience uneasily laughed and Conan remarked: "What a charming story."
  Conan: "So I met the great Fred Astaire, tryin' to bang his daughter!!"
• The 7/6/16 episode had one of the best combinations of guests ever: Larry King, the first guest, was followed by porn historian Brian Watson. Larry repeatedly invoked Grumpy Old Man while Brian talked, saying things like "I'm not going to have to live through this" and insinuating that Brian was wasting his life by being a porn historian, asking how it contributed positively to mankind and asking him what he wanted to do with his life.
• Any interview with Jeff Goldblum. Any. One.
  • Jeff Goldblum told an anecdote about why his wife nicknames him "Patches". He explained it was because his chest hair wasn't uniform; Conan used his own terminology: "Asymmetrical." Jeff pointed at him and, almost having a menacing tone of voice, told him quietly, "You're getting it. That's right, right on the nose. That's it." Conan lampshaded Jeff's oddly threatening delivery: "This is a terrifying interview."
  • Before one appearance, his wife asked him to wear a bowtie. Jeff meant to imitate her but the voice he used ended up sounding like an old lady, which Conan ran with: "Why does she talk that way?"
  Conan: (in exaggerated old lady voice) Youuuu should have a booowwwwwtie!
  Jeff: Bless your heart.
  Andy: "Bless your heart" just means "F you."
  • The time Jeff briefly choked on a cough drop.
  Jeff: I thought that being a little, uh, mentholated would give me some vocal warmth.
• The saga of Howie Mandel's lost smartphone, which he left in an Uber and couldn't contact the driver. Two funny things in particular:
  • Howie came out holding an iPad:
  Conan: I love that you're so confident in this interview, you brought out reading material.
  Howie: No, I didn't. Y'know, I'm gonna- you want me to be honest with you? This has nothin' to do with, this is not pre-interview, I carry this 'cause I'm so neurot- I came, last night-
  Conan: Finish a sentence!
  • A couple shows later, the Uber driver in question appeared on the show with Howie, having returned his cell phone after seeing it on the show.
  Howie: (to David, the Uber driver) David, I showed your picture! And what happened, David? What happened?!
  Conan: Stop yelling at him, Howie!
• Conan has Lena Headey on the show. He proposes and drinking and insult contest. This is the woman that portrays Cersei Lannister. Guess who won with an insult about strangling? You only get one guess... Hopefully you don't need it.
• Any of the three interviews with The Miz. A shame he hasn't been on since 2013.
• Adam Pally as Fat Batman.
• Andy Samberg pulled a Paul Rudd when he was on in 2018; when Conan set up a clip from his new movie Hotel Transylvania 3: Summer Vacation, it cut to a rather violent clip from Beowulf instead.
• Judd Apatow and Conan discussing raising daughters, and Judd gives him advice for when his daughter becomes a teenager: "It turns. You know all that love you feel from your daughter right now? Soon that'll be gone." He then shares a picture of his two teenage daughters glaring at him, with "disdain in the foreground and hate in the background."
• During a 2019 interview with Lisa Kudrow, she and Conan were discussing skiing injuries. Andy chimed in: "We're old." After a pause and some uneasy chuckles from the audience, Conan joked: "Well, I'm not."
• During an interview with Nikki Glaser, they discuss why women are attracted to funny men:
  Nikki: I think it's primal. I think that when we see a guy in front of an audience, commanding their attention, our cavewoman brains think, "Oh, he's the tribe leader! He will protect me in times of war and famine!"
  Conan: Yeah, no comedian will ever do that. We're horrible people.
• Nick Kroll's '70s Eater character.
• Deepak Chopra forced Conan to apologize to the way he treats Jordan Schlansky. Conan protested that if Deepak actually met Jordan, he would be saying the same things. Deepak insisted, and Conan remarked, "The guy's a douchebag!" When he finally bit the bullet and apologized, he couldn't help but add: "Best of luck at your new job."

Monologues

• Conan's monologue on 12/18/12. Conan was on fire, and that was topped off by a zinger from Andy:
  Conan: There's not a sincere bone in your body.
  Andy: There's one. (Conan laughs so hard and goes over to Andy to shake his hand)
• On the 2/17/15 episode, Conan asked the audience if anyone saw Fifty Shades of Grey over the opening weekend. Nobody cheered or clapped, and one audience member replied, "No." Conan burst out laughing in response.
  Andy: I think we might have some liars.
  Conan: No, I don't think they saw it.
• On the 6/15/15 episode, Conan announced that Jeb Bush was running for president. Nobody in the audience applauded or cheered, and groaned in disgust (Andy remarked that the audience sounded like cattle). Conan wondered if Jeb would tune in to see how the audience reacted to his announcement only to hear groans.
• On a related note, that time all the "Larry King is so old" jokes got a pre-recorded video response from Larry himself.
  Larry: That joke is so low it almost hit my testicles!
• This moment from the monologue on 4/24/17:
  Conan: Over the weekend, musician Kenny G. was on a Delta flight, and he gave a brief performance. (a few "woo!"s/applause from the crowd) Yeah, very nice. Passengers are describing the performance as "not brief enough". I'm just gonna mention that. (audience laughs/applauds) Wait a minute, which is it? Well which is it: Do you like Kenny G., or don't you? I bring him up, and they're like, "Oh, Kenny G.! (claps) They go, "Yeah, but it wasn't brief enough." "YEAH, HE SUCKS!!!" You're schizophrenic, is what you are.

Other sketches

• During the Conan One Hour Earlier Best of Spectacular:
  New Yorker in audience: HEY JACKASS!
  Conan: (Beat) Excuse me, sir?
  New Yorker: Yeah, I'm talkin' to you, Lanky Doodle Dandy! I've been sittin' through all this L.A. crap; when are ya gonna show some highlights of the week of shows you did in New York?!
  Conan: OK, I'm sorry, just take it easy, sir-
  New Yorker: DON'T TELL ME TO TAKE IT EASY, YOU SON OF A BITCH! I swear to God, if you don't show some highlights from New York right now, I'm gonna tear this building apart with my bare hands!!
  Conan: Well actually, sir, I was just about to show some clips from our week in New York.
  New Yorker: (charmed) Oh! Well that's delightful! (sits down)
• Andy and Conan prepare to do their Local News Segment sketch. Turns out Andy happened to be wearing a green shirt in front of a green screen, so his clothes appeared translucent. Even Conan couldn't contain his laughter.
• During a sketch featuring a man dressed in Simon Cowell's tight T-shirt, part of the interior of the costume fell off when the man left the stage. Andy drew attention to this, and Conan asked the behind-the-curtain stagehand what happened. Instead of coming out and handing the object to Conan, the stagehand merely underhand-tossed the object across the stage. Conan's reaction to this oddity was priceless.
  Conan: (as stagehand) "Show's called "Conan". You're Conan, you pick it up!"
• Conan's Christmas decorations for the 2010 holiday season. Godzilla carrying a candy cane. A rabbi robot. A giant inflatable chicken sandwich.
• After the Running Gag of "Alex Trebek Has Gone Insane", which manipulates Jeopardy! clues into hilarious gibberish, Trebek himself starts Adam Westing by getting back at Conan and sentence-mixing one of Conan's monologues into total gibberish. Alex then finishes up like so:
  Conan: Okay, Alex, I guess we're even now.
  Alex: All right, I'll agree to that, we're even. But before I go, I just want to leave you with one more thought. The next time you consider taking a person's words out of context and manipulating all of that to make them look foolish, I want you to think about this: The ex-president of Ukraine, James Van Der Beek, often massages weasels in order to extract this foul smelling waxy secretion that has bridge engineers all over the world screaming, 'Whassup?!'"
  • The best gibberish clue: "Oh my gosh. Rosie O'Donnell's dog took a crap in her mouth. It helps boost the immune system." Andy was greatly amused by this afterwards.
  Conan: That guy's gone off the rails! And apparently, they'll type anything he says.
  • Volume 7 has someone actually get one right:
  Alex: Oh my! Miley Cyrus blew 240,000 marsupials by using a vacuum pump in a trailer park, perhaps contributing to her violent hatred of muskrats & mankind.
  Contestant: What is Scientology?
  Alex: Yes, that's it.
  Conan: Someone got one right! Finally!
• Even if you're not a fan of the Nick Offerman Reads Tweets from Young Female Celebrities segments, there is one that is undoubtedly hilarious
  Nick Offerman: Amanda Bynes tweeted..."Rawrr!"
• Dr. Phil vs. Punxsutawney Dr. Phil. It ended with the real Dr. Phil pulling out a knife and asking Punxsutawney if he wants to dance.
• Whenever a beautiful woman is a guest on the show, Conan notices that more crew members than usual suddenly show up to ogle her. This is always taken to ridiculous extremes, like how Conan notices a piano tuner is still on the set, or a tower bell ringer, or a Steve Harvey impersonator, or a human applause sign.
• Will Ferrell's video threat to Conan, hijacking a cute viral video of a dog eating bubbles: "La Raza is coming for you, ese. La Raza! I've been training right now, I've been up for four straight days, drinking Rockstar Energy Drink like it's water, because I will not rest until you are smooth! What's that sound? What's that sound? La Raza! I'm gonna take that beard and give it a burial at sea. And by "burial at sea", I mean flush it down my TOILET! (coughs) Your beard makes me vomit. Every time I look at your beard, it's like God is urinating in my eyes!!! You better sleep with one eye open, 'cause on May 2nd, my straight razor is gonna do the Lambada on your face. (hisses)"
• Any time Christopher Walken "calls" Conan during the show.
  • When he called on 12/3/14:
    Conan: You know, Andy, tonight's the night of the live Peter Pan on NBC.
    Andy: Oh yeah, yeah. I saw they were doing that. Um, I wonder how it's going, because I think it's actually airing right now.
    Conan: Yes. [Conan's cellphone rings] Hello?
    Christopher Walken: Hello? Conan?
    Conan: Oh hey! Is this Christopher Walken?
    Christopher Walken: I believe so.
    Conan: Wait, you 'believe so'? You're not sure?
    Christopher Walken: Well, here's the thing. I'm not dressed like Christopher Walken, I'm dressed up like that guy on the bottle of rum.
    Conan: Yeah, okay. Christopher, that's because right now you're in Peter Pan at this very moment.
    Christopher Walken: Wait, there's more. I've got a hook for a hand. They took my hand!
    Conan: They didn't...
    Christopher Walken: How am I supposed to eat corn?
    Conan: No, okay. Christopher, it's not a real hook. You see, you're playing the character Captain Hook in Peter Pan.
    Christopher Walken: I am? Wow! Sounds fun! When are we filming?
    Conan: You're filming right now. It's a live production. You're on the air at this moment!
    Christopher Walken: Oh.
    Conan: Christopher, why are you calling me?
    Christopher Walken: I don't know, you seem like a fun guy. You jump around a lot.
    Conan: I jump around a lot, yeah. You shouldn't be talking to me right now, I'm in the middle of a show, you're in the middle of show.
    Christopher Walken: We both have shows? Wow! Which Peter Pan character are you playing?
    Conan: No no no no no, Christopher, I'm not playing in Peter Pan.
    Christopher Walken Hold on, Conan, a guy in a headset is telling me to say my line.
    Conan: Yeah, okay, I can't help you, I don't know your line.
    Christopher Walken: Oh come on, man! You gotta help me!
    Conan: Okay, what's the last thing someone said to you?
    Christopher Walken: They said, "You idiot, put the phone down, you're ruining this live production of Peter Pan".
    Conan: Okay, what did they say before that?
    Christopher Walken: Well, the flying green bean just said, "Who are you?".
    Conan: Okay that's, okay that's Peter Pan. She said "who are you", you say "I'm Captain Hook!".
    Christopher Walken: Okay, hold on. Let's see if that works. [in background] I'm Captain Hook! [on phone] Wow, that seemed to have really worked. You're a lifesaver!
    Conan: Okay Christopher, gotta go, thank you. [hangs up] Sorry about that everybody. [phone rings again] Hello?
    Christopher Walken: Conan, it's me again, Christopher Walken.
    Conan: Yes, I know.
    Christopher Walken: What's my next line?
    Conan: I DON'T KNOW YOUR NEXT LINE! [hangs up]
  • He calls again on 4/1/15.
    Conan: This week, NBC made an announcement. They announced that their next live musical telecast will be The Wiz. That's a big announcement. NBC, yeah, they're going to do a telecast of The Wiz. They've already had success with live versions of The Sound of Music, that was a big hit. And last year's Peter Pan, which starred Allison Williams and Christopher Walken as Captain Hook. Well anyway, The Wiz is going to feature performers from Cirque du Soleil, which means you're gonna really [cellphone rings] Hello?
    Christopher Walken: Hello? Conan?
    Conan: Yes. Hello, who's this?
    Christopher Walken: It's me, Christopher Walken. What can I do for you? Make it quick.
    Conan: No, Christopher, you called me.
    Christopher Walken: Oh, that's great, I'm glad I did, because I have a question. Where do I go for this Wiz gig?
    Conan: What?
    Christopher Walken: The Wiz on NBC. I'm ready to go. I've got my pirate outfit on.
    Conan: There's no pirate in The Wiz.
    Christopher Walken: Oh. Good. So they haven't cast it yet.
    Conan: No no no no no, there's no pirate in the story at all, it's based on The Wizard of Oz.
    Christopher Walken: Oh come on, Conan, you can get me in there. Pull some strings.
    Conan: What strings can I pull?
    Christopher Walken: Come on, you're hot property over at the peacock. You and the Friends guys.
    Conan: Friends? No, that was a while ago.
    Christopher Walken: And that Jerry Seinberg, he's hilarious. Oh, and that show with George Clooney, Ehrr.
    Conan: No, you mean ER. Mr. Walken, I've been on TBS [motions for the audience to quiet down] I've been on TBS for the past five years.
    Christopher Walken: You're on TBS? Well, if the doctor said you need it, you should keep taking it. Watch the dosage, though. That stuff messed me up good in the late seventies.
    Conan: Sounds like it, yeah. It's not a drug, it's a TV network.
    Christopher Walken: A TV network?! Wow! That reminds me, can you get a part on NBC's The Wiz?
    Conan: No, no. The Wiz has an African-American cast.
    Christopher Walken: Oh, no problem. I can play black with a little makeup.
    Conan: NO! NO! That's a bad idea.
    Christopher Walken: I bet a little grease paint would do the trick.
    Conan: Nooo.
    Christopher Walken: Can you imagine, a white man performing and singing as a black man.
    Conan: Uh huh, yeah.
    Christopher Walken: It'll blow people's minds!
    Conan: Yeah, it'll blow people's minds. Trust me, you do not want to do that.
    Christopher Walken: I'm very convincing as a black guy. Did you see Kevin Hart's stand up special?
    Conan: Yes. Yes I did.
    Christopher Walken: That was me.
    Conan: Okay no! No it wasn't.
    Christopher Walken: April Fools.
    Conan: Okay no. You didn't fool me.
    Christopher Walken: Then why did you call me?
    Conan: No! You called me!
    Christopher Walken: Well, I'm glad I did. Do you think you could turn some strings and get me into The Wiz?
    Conan: No! Forget it, bye bye. [hangs up] The big question, how does the hook hold the phone?
    • In both calls, the image of Walken is him dressed as Captain Hook, holding the phone to his ear with the hook.
• Getting a massage from Deadpool that quickly turns into a medical emergency.
  Deadpool: ...where is your ass? Where is your ass?! MEDIC!
  Conan: It's not my fault!
  Deadpool: MEDIIIIIIC!
• Chikpea, a chicken puppet, predicted who would win the World Series. When it came time to give his prediction (done by laying an egg which had a team written on it), Chikpea turned around and grunted, but no egg came out. He tried again and again, causing Andy to laugh loudly off-screen. Finally, he laid the egg. Conan lampshaded: "Why did we hear the sound of the hatching long before the hatching, Chikpea?"
• The 12/17/2015 cold open, wherein Jango Fett (T.J. Miller), Oola (Aisha Tyler), Lando Calrissian (Ron Funches), Bib Fortuna (Brian Kiley), and Dengar (Andy) all sit at Jerry's Famous Diner on Ventura, bemoaning how they didn't get into Force Awakens, before sheepishly admitting they'll all see it anyway. Even worse, Conan's Lobot wants to join them, and he's a total dick.
  Lobot: Lando! Been a while. You're lookin'... (Indicating a paunch) SWELL. What're you smuggling these days, Chicken McNuggets? G'dang b'bang!
  Lando: You hard-boiled egg, Beats-by-Dre-wearin' motherf***r.
• La Bamba Legal, a parody of courtroom shows which seems constructed solely to screw up La Bamba.
  La Bamba: Your honor, esteemed members of the jury... as you judge this case, consider the defendant, a man who knowingly used this caustic liquid right here, in his textile factory, just to save a buck. But also consider the fifteen Vietnamese workers who lost their lives because of one man's greed. Consider the life of the... La... keemtram family... a... adon... and... the families of Kwee Pa Kwok? (laughs) Nah Wo Me Ma Tu... (laughs) Consider the deceased American factory manager, Michelle Reed, who won't be home tonight to tuck in her nine adopted Uzbekistan children: Alubec... Mary Ja-Jo Manal... Min... Mirceau Pannnnl... ybi... Calaladeen, Shamislan, and... Quaserswemistan.
  (clip ends)
  Conan: You were trying to so hard, La Bamba! God bless you. All right, I hope there are more episodes of that show. I don't know if there will be, but I just hope there will.
  • A year later, La Bamba Lethal, where La Bamba played an assassin who took forever to put a gun together.
• A sketch that would've been just okay ended up being hilarious because it didn't go according to plan.
  Conan: Something got real (fucked) up there.
• The recurring sketch of Trump's incessant phone calls to Obama started out so-so but have gotten increasingly funnier, since Obama is getting fed up with Trump.
  • "The Lincoln Bedroom?" "What about it?" "He's not still in there, is he? Because Melania's afraid to go in there." "Oh my God, you people..."
  • "Barack, Melania's doing Christmas cards. What's your address?" "1600 Pennsylvania Avenue." "Not for long. Ha! Got ya Bar!" "F**k you asshole!"
• "Who's the Pope?" Mainly for the reaction from Conan and Andy after it concludes:
  Conan: That's an awful show. (Andy laughs) That was a piece of crap.
  Andy: We should look at things before we play them.
  Conan: (chuckles) That would mean coming in before the show airs.
  Andy: Yeah.
  Conan: Cut into both of our nap time.
  Andy: I think, I feel like we all discovered something together.
  Conan: (laughing and smiling widely) That that was a piece of shit. (laughs)
  Andy: Yeah yeah.
  Conan: Oh well, our checks come either way. Thank you- don't cheer that! Don't applaud that, that's awful! We're gonna try harder next time!
  Andy: SURE we will! (Conan laughs)
• Del Taco Del Flusho. After it concludes, Conan and Andy are seen wiping away tears from laughing so hard:
  Conan: Well, we're out of the business, thank you. (laughing while talking) It's been a fantastic ride.
• The "If They Melded" which melded Gary Busey and Yoda.
• The recent "What Conan's Watching", as the segments open with an animation of Conan's head on someone else's body. Conan repeatedly brings it up, annoyed that whoever made the video couldn't take two seconds to ask Conan if he could pose for it instead of pasting his head onto a gaunt body.
• Conan calls out Coco for using his nickname in their movie without his permission.
• Everyone was watching the Kavanaugh hearing. The best part was the end where a woman is giving birth and the baby that's pulled out is also watching the hearing on a smartphone.
• Anytime stunt expert Steven Ho is on.
• This sketch from 2012 when Will Ferrell, in character as Ron Burgundy, announces Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues. Especially the moment at 0:34 when Ron stops playing the flute but the flute is still heard so he quickly puts it back near his face.
• Before Conan left for Australia, an Australian tour guide (played by Andres du Bouchet) warned Conan of the exotic animals that awaited him in the Outback. One of the funniest ones was Kangarooaroo.
• Conan checks in with Jordan Schlansky during the shelter-in-place. Jordan noted that he's been practicing the whip lately- he demonstrates one single whip crack, amusing Conan: "That's it?"
• Page image comes from Conan and Andy Are Webcam Clueless, where Conan and Andy play with various Photo Booth filters, distorting their faces in various amusing ways.

Rehearsal Scraps

• Conan's surly reactions to Bill Tull's Cinco de Mayo money-saving tips during the rehearsal. Conan noted that none of the examples are really "money-saving", just "making things crazily". Two of the best instances:
  • Tull: "Take some chloroform, breathe it in, BOOM, siesta." Andy: "Aren't you tired of the high cost of naps?"
  • Tull: "Take a can of Beefaroni, pour it down the back of your pants, BOOM, montezuma's revenge." Conan: "I'm tired of expensive diarrhea. You guys have lost your fucking minds."
• A rehearsal outtake from the recurring segment where Andy lists the upcoming news stories he's working on for the week featured a bit about cow catapults. In the aired episode, a prop cow fell from the ceiling, but in rehearsal, the cow was merely lazily tossed by one of the stagehands. Andy chuckled at this, and Conan remarked, "Perfect! Don't change a thing!"
• La Bamba laughing uncontrollably when the band is part of a sketch where George Takei supports people coming out to their parents during Christmas dinner.
  Jimmy Vivino: He's gone.

Remotes

• Conan trying to find Sona's Gigolos mug after someone in the office takes it. Among other things, he discovers Sona and several other members of his staff drink on the job, with one even brazenly pulling a bottle of Jack Daniels out of her desk to complain that other staff members keep drinking it behind her back.
  • Sona's explanation for how this happened in her book; she angrily e-mailed the staff about who took her mug, which she concedes wasn't professional of her. But then an hour later she saw Conan walk in with the camera crew and remembered who she worked for.
• Conan buying Sona a new car. While looking online, Conan asks to see the car with the lowest price. They discover a car for under $1000 that's photographed in shadow to obscure how dirty and broken it is. Sona dubs it "a murder car." It's so beat up there isn't even a Kelly Bluebook rating. So of course Conan buys it for her.
  Conan: Kelly Bluebook does not technically consider this a car.
• Conan visits the American Girl store. Hilarity Ensues.
• The entirety of Conan's car ride with Ice Cube and Kevin Hart.
  Ice Cube: Have you ever got robbed?
  Driver: Uh, no, not yet.
  Ice Cube: (reaching into front seat) All right motherfucker... (Conan laughs)
• In one remote segment, Conan investigated graphic designer Pierre Bernard's creepy doll collection. At one point, Pierre started discussing a female mannequin that he wants to purchase so that he can make a lamp out of it.
  Conan: Okay, you're fired. You're fired. I'm gonna take- you're fired, you no longer work here. And, you're going to the hospital.
• In one of the Chicago shows, Conan visited an Abraham Lincoln gift shop and found a DVD called "Lincoln's Last Night", which Conan claimed was a porno. He saw some of it and said it was fantastic. Cue footage of said movie, with Lincoln making a hilarious but disturbing "oh" face.
• When Conan gave performance reviews to his employees, he asked one of them if he would be physically able to carry him out of the building if there was a fire. The employee answered they'd be able to do it like a sack of potatoes. Conan immediately took offense, claiming he brought up the potatoes thing because he was Irish. The employee said it could be anything; Conan finished it for him: "A sack of shit, maybe?" The employee answered, "Well, shit is something."
  Conan: You just called me a sack of shit to my face! What's your fucking problem?! What's wrong with you?! Do you want to be fired?!
• When Conan and a professional organizer clean Jordan Schlansky's messy office, they finally get it looking presentable. Conan says this could be the start of a new life for Jordan, and asks him:
  Conan: Jordan, do you feel changed?
  Jordan: No.
  (Conan laughs incredulously)
• During a week of shows broadcast from Berlin, Conan goes to visit a Dominatrix. It's just as hilarious and awkward as it sounds.
  Mistress Velvet Steel: So, do you have any hard limits? Anything you definitely don't want to do?
  Conan: Well, I'm married, so...
  Mistress Velvet Steel: Okay. So no marks.
  Conan: Y-yeah...no marks.
  • Conan later remarks on how well organized Mistress Velvet Steel's...toolshed is:
  Conan: You're actually anal about anal.
  Mistress Velvet Steel: This is a German dungeon, what you expect?
• Conan threw Jordan Schlansky a bachelor party. Since Jordan supposedly doesn't have any friends, Conan brought in a guy named Nick to pretend to be his friend. At one point, Nick bites open a beer can.
  • Later Conan brings in a stripper. She takes off her top and grinds against Jordan, and he doesn't react at all. Then Conan brings in a male stripper who proceeds to try and put his crotch in Jordan's face and accidentally kicks him in the head. Jordan still doesn't react.
• Conan Hangs Out With His Interns. Especially good:
  • The Running Gag of breaking one of the intern's pencils and replacing them.
  • Conan discovers that sometimes his assistant Sona will use Conan's name to speed up tasks done by the interns, even if Conan didn't request the task in question. He grills her if there's anything else she's done using his name:
  Sona: I, uh, once, went to a bar and drank too much and couldn't drive home, so I sent interns the next day, this was a long time ago, to pick the car up, and I may have said that (starts laughing) I needed them to pick your car up. I gotta go.
  Conan: (incredulously) She just walked away! She walked away! There's people out there who think: (grabs a guy) Conan O'Brien had too much to drink, and couldn't get his car!
  • The intern who is so bored at work she organizes a tray of coffee sugar packets. Later, Conan asks her a question and, after a pause, he says "FORGET THE SUGAR PACKETS!"
  • Conan asks the interns if they've heard any rumors about him. Same intern from above said "You wear a wig." He allows her to feel his hair to prove it's not a wig, and after a while of this, he says "What are you looking for? There are not grubs or insects in there!"
  • Conan role-plays with the interns what to say if they're ever at a party and get asked where they work. Before the scene even starts, one of the interns asks: "Are you a guy or girl right now?" Conan immediately stops the scene and sends him to the back of the line.
• Anyone who likes Jordan Schlansky's chemistry with Conan would love the episode where they traveled to Italy together. Of special note is how Conan got Jordan to crack up a few times, a rarity. One such example.
  • While in Italy, Conan and Jordan visit a pair of truffle hunters, who proceed to very easily find several truffles within minutes of them searching. For probably the first time ever, Conan and Jordan actually agree on something: they just got scammed.
  Conan: I strongly suspect these guys, because they knew we were coming, hid these ahead of time, because they're finding them very easily. (Turns to Jordan) Don't you agree?
  Jordan: I concur.
• Conan at the gym with Kevin Hart, especially how Conan keeps undercounting how many people were in the audience at Hart's latest stand-up special. Or how Kevin cracks up at how "out of shape" Conan is. And this line, when the two are throwing a medicine ball back and forth:
  Kevin: Stop throwin' the ball like a pussy.
• Conan Busts His Employees Eating Cake: Conan discovers a secret "foodies" list where certain staff members get advanced word about free food in the office before anyone else. He sets up a hidden camera to see who shows up after sending out an invite. It turns out Andy is on the list.
  Conan: (at the end of the sketch) Well anyway, I think that pretty much wraps up this episode of "Let's Catch People Eating Cake". What a waste of everyone's time.
• Conan Visits "Conan O'Brien College"- of note is the part where he did a Q&A section with a group of students and one of them asks if they can have a job on the show.
  Conan: That takes balls, I like it. (...) (in tough guy accent) "Hey Conan, c'mere! Get me a girlfriend and a job! Yeah, and then dance around! Oh, and this girl's gonna hit you in the head with her head! Now get outta here! And guess what? School's not named after you after today!"
  • For added hilarity, the full unedited Q&A session. The first question he gets is actually a serious one: "With all of your experience and education, what is the best way to approach a hard economy for a job?"
  Conan: ...I came here to have fun! What the hell is this?!
• When Conan's in Germany learning how to do a traditional German dance, he gets a lot of mileage out of the father of the group. At one point, after the two brothers do a move where one slaps the other's butt (and which Conan and Andy have to imitate):
  Conan: You like that?
  Father: It's part of the show.
  Conan: Oh yeah, everything's part of your little "show", isn't it? I know what you've been doing, and it stops now.

Stand-up

• On the 12/17/12 episode: comedian Jon Dore is doing his set when an usher is loudly trying to get a couple in the audience to change seats, when Jon starts arguing with the Usher over whose job is easier, and they switch roles with Jon carrying the audience member around and start arguing and mocking each other like children. Conan and Andy break up the argument, to which Jon and the Usher start arguing with Conan and Andy about whose job is easier and then they switch roles with Conan and Andy and start arguing and mocking again. Then suddenly Jon says (still mockingly) "We should bring out a guest, please welcome Sarah Chalke" and Sarah Chalke herself comes out and sits at the couch while Conan and Andy look on in confusion as to what the hell just happened. Jon finishes by signing off the show instead of Conan before asking for a round of applause for the real Conan O'Brien to which they cut to Conan's stunt double who is a head shorter than Conan, while Conan still looks dumbfounded. It has to be seen to be believed.
• Josh Johnson shares his views on, among other things, racism.
  I say this because it happened to my friend Jordan: he accidentally went to a Klan rally... Turns out they don't just start, they ease you in with a barbecue. And then he left, went home, he called me, I came over to his house and we talked about it. Turns out a Klan rally is exactly what you think Klan rallies are like. There were no spoilers there.
  But just past his head, in the kitchen, I could see a to-go plate. And I was like "Jordan... Jordan, Jordan, are those Klan ribs?" He said "Yeah," and I was like "Can I have some?"
• Alingon Mitra's bit about the new Pope from the 1/19/15 episode:
  Alingon: I love this new Pope. He's so different!... I'm not even sure he's Christian. I heard him giving a sermon, he was like, "Go to church... or don't! You do you, baby, hashtag whatevs." People get upset with him 'cause he doesn't call out gays. They're like, "Well the BIBLE says to hate gays." He says, "Does it?... I have not read it yet. It's a big book. Waitin' for the movie to come out."
• Scamalot host James Veitch recalls a period when he got in trouble with his roommate (Or as he puts it, "flatmate") by playing with rubber ducks he bought to place in their shared bathroom, in that the bathroom was filled with TONS of rubber ducks. When his roomate complained about said ducks, he promised "No more tiny ducks". From the audience's reactions, James can tell that they've already spotted the loophole in his promise, and indeed he loopholed his promise by putting GIANT ducks in the bathroom. In the end, his flatmate called him insane, and he replied with "Quackers!"

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

• Triumph covered the World Cup in New York, and in the third video he vowed to hump a dog from every country represented in the sport. The twist came when they got to Brazil: Instead of a dog, Triumph humped an iguana. Triumph got winded trying to please it.
  Triumph: ...Am I doing something wrong here??
• Triumph the Insult Comic Dog profiles the mascots of Time Square, riddling them with quips about their crappy costumes and sad lives (including confusing a Buzz Lightyear for Jay Leno and asking him why he didn't invest wisely). After trying to break into the racket as a bootleg Elmo, Triumph finally begins wearing a giant Triumph suit instead — not only doing a brisk business, but pimping out the other mascots as well.
• Conan sent the famously polite comedian/actor Jack Mcbrayer to the Wiener Circle, a hot dog stand in Chicago where the employees are infamously rude and verbally hostile towards customers. Here are the results:
  (The report opens with a montage of the Wiener Circle employees cursing out people who are in line to order.)
  Jack: Hey, Conan! I'm here outside the Wiener Circle, thanks so much for sending me here! I'm really excited, I heard great things, and it looks like there's a lot going on in there, so come on! Let's check it out!
  Female Employee #1: WHAT DO YOU WANT TO EAT?!
  Male Customer #2: Why are you yelling at me?!
  Female Employee #2: We're waiting, why the fuck are you yelling at him?!
  Male Customer #2: It's not even done!
  Female Customer #2: It's hot back here, motherfucker! Why are you crying?!
  (The camera cuts to Jack, smiling happily as he waits in line.)
  Male Employee #1: NEXT HUNGRY BITCH IN LINE, STEP UP.
  (Jack walks up and is greeted by Female Employee #1.)
  Jack: I just-
  Female Employee #1: (Cutting Jack's sentence off) "I just-" Ah-ah-ah! What'you want?!
  Jack: I just want a Vienna Red Hot and a Char-Dog.
  Female Employee #1: What the fuck do YOU want?! I'm talking to you!
  Jack: I'm letting you know I just want a hot dog!
  Female Employee #1: Do you want it charred or steamed, you slow motherfucker?!
  Jack: I would like a regular Char-Dog with mustard and ketchup, please.
  Female Employee #1: So, you want it with mustard and cheese? BITCH, THAT'S A CHI-CHEDDAR DOG!
  (Female Employee #3 hands Jack a napkin.)
  Female Employee #3: Hey, wipe your face! You's sweating like a motherfucker, what's going on with that?
  Female Employee #2: You need to stop doin' them drugs, motherfucker!
  Jack: I don't do drugs at all!
  Female Employee #2: Don't do meth, sir, it's not good for you
  Jack: I've never done meth!
  Female Employee #2: Well, you're doing something! What the fuck are you mad at us for, ginger boy?! Yeah, you look like Annie, the orphan! Can you sing something for us?
  Female Employee #3: No, he look more like Ken! Barbie's motherfucking boyfriend!
  Female Employee #2: Malibu Ken! Where's Barbie, asshole?!
  (Jack tries to pay in card.)
  Female Employee #2: Cash only, asshole!
  Female Employee #4: WHERE'S THE MONEY, GINGERBREAD MAN?!
  Female Employee #1: CASH ONLY!!!
  Jack: (getting his cash) You're being very disrespectful! I'm a paying customer!
  Female Employee #2: (She snatches a $5 bill from Jack and throws it into the tip jar) Put the five in there!
  Jack: You can't force people to tip!
  Female Employee #2: Get the fuck outta here!
  Female Employee #1: Yeah, get the fuck out!
  Jack: You're very rude!
  Female Employee #2: Fuck you! Whoever gave you that toupee, that's fucking rude!
  Jack: I am going to leave!
  Female Employee #2: I don't give a fuck!
  Jack: You've been very rude! I'm coming back with a friend, and you'll be very sorry!
  • Jack comes back with said friend; Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog.
  Female Employee #2: Next bitch and their ratty-ass dog in line!
  Triumph: Who's calling who a bitch?!
  Female Employee #2: You! I will fuck you up, bitch!
  Triumph: Oh, yeah, Skanky Smurf?!
  Female Employee #2: (pointing at Jack) Who is this, your boyfriend?!
  Triumph: You listen to me, Queen LaQueefah!
  Female Employee #2: Fuck you, and your red-haired boyfriend over there!
  Triumph: Listen to you and your mouth! Do you kiss your pimp with that mouth?!
  (...)
  Triumph: You know why you guys work for tips?! Because no one will stick the whole thing in!
  Female Employee #2: Awww, fuck you, bitch!
  Triumph: "Oh no, you DIDN'T" go to high school! "Oh no, you DIDN'T" wash your ass today!

What Am I Watching?

• Any time Conan complains about the title graphics, like when they randomly gave him a rattail haircut, or when his head was superimposed onto a skinny body.
• Any of the Self-Deprecation jokes about Conan, especially this one:
  "Each night, a see-through piece of pumpkin pasta hopes that this is the audience that makes the pain go away."

Wiki Bear

• In the third WikiBear sketch, Conan admonished the bear for (once again) bringing up disturbing facts that kids don't need to know. There was a brief pause, and Conan and WikiBear accidentally began to speak at the same time, prompting WikiBear to ad-lib and say, "Go ahead, sorry, I interrupted you!"
  WikiBear: Emily Post says interrupting is rude and should be punished with a brutal beating!
  Conan: (trying hard not to laugh) Emily Post doesn't say that!
  WikiBear: It was in the... unabridged version!
  • Or how the fifth one ended:
  Conan: [covering WikiBear's mouth after having had enough of yet more disturbing tales] We're gonna take a break. No more, WikiBear! [removes his hand from WikiBear's mouth, looks up at the camera, as if he's about to say, "We'll be right back", when suddenly...]
  WikiBear: The wealthy are above morality! [Conan's mouth stays agape for about two seconds; it's very clear he wasn't expecting that to happen; then...]
  Conan: [laughing] What?!
  WikiBear: [his voice actor, Brian Stack, giggles into the mic, then responds] You can't handle the truth.
  Conan: What are you ad-libbing, WikiBear?!
  WikiBear: I just wanna see Pierce Brosnan, let's move it along!
  Conan: [turns the bear towards him, and looks down] That wasn't on the script, WikiBear!
  WikiBear: Deal with it!
• On the 3/25/2015 episode, Conan brings out Wikibear who mentions disturbing facts once again.
  • Wikibear ends up talking about the Boston Molasses Disaster of 1919.
    Wikibear: You know what's even sweeter than strawberry shortcake? The Boston Molasses Disaster of 1919 — when an exploding storage tank caused 2,000,000 gallons of sweet sticky molasses to flood the streets, and kill more than 20 people and their horses. Giddy-up!
    Conan: Yes, I am aware that that did happen, That was a terrible tragedy. I don't think kids wanna hear about that.
    Wikibear: Many people tried to flee, but became ensnared in the molasses and drowned. Glug glug!
    Conan: Yeah, I don't think that's something kids wanna hear about.
    Wikibear: Imagine gasping for air only to have your lungs fill up with thick sugary syrup. Yum yum!
    Conan: No! Not "yum yum."
    Wikibear: What a sweet sweet death.
    Conan: No! Not s- No.
  • After talking about the story "Good Night, Moon", Wikibear talks about deceased rhythm and blues singer Johnny Ace.
    Wikibear: Conan, you know who didn't have a good night? The late R&B singer Johnny Ace, who back in 1954 accidently shot himself in the face with his own gun. Kablammy!
    Conan: Okay, um... I — I — I didn't know about that. No, I — I didn't—
    Wikibear: One witness said Johnny was drunk and playing with his pistol. His last words were "Gun's not loaded, see?" But the only thing Johnny's friends saw were his brains exiting his skull. I'm Wikibear!
    Conan: Okay, no, no, no, no. I don't wanna hear—
    Wikibear: Boom boom! I've heard of an "Ace in the Hole", but this is a real "Hole in the Ace".
    Conan: [disgusted] OH NO! No!
    Wikibear: That's wordplay. Deal with it.

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