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New Yorker: Yeah, I'm talkin' to you, Lanky Doodle Dandy! I've been sittin' through all this L.A. crap; when are ya gonna show some highlights of the week of shows you did in New York?!
Conan: OK, I'm sorry, just take it easy, sir-
New Yorker: DON'T TELL ME TO TAKE IT EASY, YOU SON OF A BITCH! I swear to God, if you don't show some highlights from New York right now, I'm gonna tear this building apart with my bare hands!!
Conan: Well actually, sir, I was just about to show some clips from our week in New York.
New Yorker: (charmed) Oh! Well that's delightful! (sits down)
On the 12/17/12 episode: comedian Jon Dore is doing his set when an usher is loudly trying to get a couple in the audience to change seats, when Jon starts arguing with the Usher over whose job is easier, and they switch roles with Jon carrying the audience member around and start arguing and mocking each other like children. Conan and Andy break up the argument, to which Jon and the Usher start arguing with Conan and Andy about whose job is easier and then they switch roles with Conan and Andy and start arguing and mocking again. Then suddenly Jon says (still mockingly)"We should bring out a guest, please welcome Sarah Chalke" and Sarah Chalke herself comes out and sits at the couch while Conan and Andy look on in confusin as to what the hell just happened. Jon finishes by signing off the show instead of Conan before asking for a round of applause for the real Conan O Brien to which they cut to Conan's stunt double who is a head shorter than Conan, while Conan still looks dumbfounded. It has to be seen to be believed.
Andy and Conan prepare to do their Local News Segment sketch. Turns out Andy happened to be wearing a green shirt in front of a green screen, so his clothes appeared translucent. Even Conan couldn't contain his laughter.
Andy: There's one. (Conan laughs so hard and goes over to Andy to shake his hand)
Bill Burr's rant about Lance Armstrong. While the rant is hilarious in itself, many watchers were more focused on Conan laughing so hard he has to hold back tears. And it's genuine laughter, too.
Bill Burr: No, the whole thing was annoying and I hate how Oprah was interviewing him and acting like she was dumbfounded that this guy would do this. Like she's been in show business for 35 years and she can't like wrap her head around some guy doing whatever it takes to get to the next level. Didn't she for like the first five years have midgets who wanted to bang the mailman's boyfriend and she didnít want to do it. She didn't want to do it, but she didn't have the power to say no, so she rode it out. And then when she could make her decision, she did a show. But she stood on the heads of those little people for five years [at this point, Conan laughs hysterically] and then she's sitting there across from this guy like, "so how could you...". You know exactly what he's doing! It's the stupidest thing Iíve ever seen. Look, the guy was a sociopath on a bicycle, alright? As far as I'm concerned, we got off easy. If that guy was working for a corporation he probably would have been porn stuffing the water supply doing God knows what. Just keep him on the bike, just let him go up and down the hills, he's not hurting anybody.
During a sketch featuring a man dressed in Simon Cowell's tight T-shirt, part of the interior of the costume fell off when the man left the stage. Andy drew attention to this, and Conan asked the behind-the-curtain stagehand what happened. Instead of coming out and handing the object to Conan, the stagehand merely underhand-tossed the object across the stage. Conan's reaction to this oddity was priceless.
Conan: (as stagehand) "Show's called "Conan". You're Conan, you pick it up!"
After one "Fan Corrections", the audience booed loudly. But Conan was puzzled: "Who are we booing again??" After a couple seconds, a woman from the audience shouted, "THAT guy!" (referring to the fan who sent in the correction) This amused Conan, who claimed one person spoke for the entire audience.
Conan: (in Edward G. Robinson accent) The results are in, Conan, and it was that guy, see??
Conan's Christmas decorations for the 2010 holiday season. Godzilla carrying a candy cane. A rabbi robot. A giant inflatable chicken sandwich.
Conan's surly reactions to Bill Tull's Cinco de Mayo money-saving tips during the rehearsal. Conan noted that none of the examples are really "money-saving", just "making things crazily". Two of the best instances:
Tull: "Take some chloroform, breathe it in, BOOM, siesta." Andy: "Aren't you tired of the high cost of naps?"
Tull: "Take a can of Beefaroni, pour it down the back of your pants, BOOM, montezuma's revenge." Conan: "I'm tired of expensive diarrhea. You guys have lost your fucking minds."
Ice Cube: You ever been robbed? Driver: No. Ice Cube: (reaching into front seat) All right motherfucker... (Conan laughs)
After the Running Gag of "Alex Trebek Has Gone Insane", which manipulates Jeopardy clues into hilarious gibberish, Trebek himself starts Adam Westing by getting back at Conan and sentence-mixing one of Conan's monologues into total gibberish. Alex then finishes up like so:
Conan: Okay, Alex, I guess we're even now.
Alex: All right, I'll agree to that, we're even. But before I go, I just want to leave you with one more thought. The next time you consider taking a person's words out of context and manipulating all of that to make them look foolish, I want you to think about this: The ex-president of Ukraine, James Van Der Beek, often massages weasels in order to extract this foul smelling waxy secretion that has bridge engineers all over the world screaming, 'Whassup?!'"
The best gibberish clue: "Oh my gosh. Rosie O'Donnell's dog took a crap in her mouth. It helps boost the immune system." Andy was greatly amused by this afterwards.
Conan: That guy's gone off the rails! And apparently, they'll type anything he says.
Volume 7 has someone actually get one right:
Alex: Oh my! Miley Cyrus blew 240,000 marsupials by using a vacuum pump in a trailer park, perhaps contributing to her violent hatred of muskrats & mankind.
Contestant: What is Scientology?
Alex: Yes, that's it.
Conan: Someone got one right! Finally!
Even if you're not a fan of the Nick Offerman Reads Tweets from Young Female Celebrities segments, there is one that is undoubtedly hilarious
Nick Offerman: Amanda Bynes tweeted..."Rawrr!"
A rehearsal outtake from the recurring segment where Andy lists the upcoming news stories he's working on for the week featured a bit about cow catapults. In the aired episode, a prop cow fell from the ceiling, but in rehearsal, the cow was merely lazily tossed by one of the stagehands. Andy chuckled at this, and Conan remarked, "Perfect! Don't change a thing!"
Any time Conan has George RR Martin on the show, Hilarity Ensues. GRRM consistently expresses his surprise that Game of Thrones is actually more violent than his original novels, and sometimes he has to reign in the show writers. And then he mentions a fan contest where someone won a replica of the Iron Throne:
Conan: You're telling me that some guy in Hoboken is sitting on the Iron Throne right now? ::strikes a pose:: "A pizza shall be delivered!"
When the cast of Orange Is The New Black made an appearance, nearly every word out of Lea DeLaria's mouth was hilarious. Especially notable was the anecdote where Natasha Lyonne went to her for advice on how to properly simulate Lesbian sex. Her terminology and hand movements indicate something that can leave the average viewer scratching their heads...
Lea DeLaria: And...look for the car keys, look for the car keys, Judy Garland...Joan Crawford.
In the third WikiBear sketch, Conan admonished the bear for (once again) bringing up disturbing facts that kids don't need to know. There was a brief pause, and Conan and WikiBear accidentally began to speak at the same time, prompting WikiBear to ad-lib and say, "Go ahead, sorry, I interrupted you!"
Every "Clueless Gamer" episode ever.
The whole "Larry King wants to be cryogenically frozen" interview:
Conan: I was shocked that you want to be cryogenically frozen, why? Larry: Okay. I don't believe in an afterlife. I never made that leap of faith. So when you die, it's bye, bye, baby. Conan: Lights out, goodbye. Larry: So the only hope, the only fragment of hope is to be frozen and then some day they cure whatever you died of and you're back. So in other words you put me in the ground or you burn me up, eggghhh, I don't want that. I want to have a— I'm Jewish. We got to have hope. I have a fragment of hope (squeezes his fingers together), my wife is- Conan: I thought you were saying you want to be frozen at this size. "I want to be made real small, frozen and put in someone's drink." Larry: My wife... why do I come here? Conan: Larry, why does anybody come here? Larry: My wife is a devout Mormon. She is totally opposed to this. I said, "Look, I know you like to control things, but I can't die the way I want to die?" So I want to- pay attention: When I go, I want to be frozen. Conan: Well why are you putting the responsibility on me? Now I have got to go busting in to the hospital or wherever or Dodger stadium, wherever you are, I go to go busting in and say, "Everybody back, I'm taking him to the freezer!" You know. "Everybody back!" Larry: I have no idea. If, under the presumption that you don't believe there is anything after this, why is it stupid? Conan: I wouldn't say it's stupid. The only thing I always think about, they freeze you, all right. Then they unfreeze you and then they get you going again. At some point you got to go, right? Larry: But wait a second, at least you have another chance, what if by that time- Conan: You just want another TV show. You want thirty years from now, you come cracking out of the ice and go it's "Larry King ALIVE!" That's what you want! Larry: All right, why is that bad? Conan: Not a bad idea. I'll be there with you. I'll be a head in a jar floating. I'll be your first guest. Larry: My wife says to me, "It's stupid, you won't know anybody." I said, "I'll make new friends." Andy: Are you having your whole body frozen? Larry: A new book called out, "The Kid," the story of Ted Williams. The first chapter by Ben Bradley Jr., and there are two ways you can do it. You can do the whole body or they cut off the head, put the head aside and then attach it to a different body. It sounds weird. Conan: You know what I want? I want a different body now, that's what I want. I would like this head put on a great body now. Larry: Why? You have a great body. Conan: ...Hel-lo! Larry: You do. Conan: When did you notice that? Larry: I noticed it, Conan, when you did the little walk off there with that crazy bit with the Russian guy with the bear, you know. You know, folks, that wasn't in Russia. Conan: Now look what you did! Larry: Well, I hate to spoil your day. Conan: I had them right here where I wanted them! They thought it was a real guy and a real bear!
When Seth MacFarlane was a guest promoting the Ted DVD and Blu-ray, Conan showcased the Ted teddy bear as well. It was supposed to speak when you squeezed its paw, but nothing happened.
Seth: Huh. Well, most of the others work, folks. (Conan tries the other paw; nothing happens) Seth: Naw, they gave you a bum bear. Conan: What terrible advertising for this bear. (smiles into camera)
Samantha Gordon, a 10-year old football player, was a guest on the show because she appeared on a Wheaties box. When Conan brought it up, Samantha admitted Wheaties wasn't her favorite cereal. After the audience laughed, Conan asked the obvious question: "What's your favorite cereal?" Samantha replied: "I like Reese's Puffs...", causing Conan to burst out laughing and add, "Of course you do!"
Conan: But it's an honor to be on the box, that's the important thing. Samantha: Yeah, (waving her hands in the air) the breakfast of champions. Conan: ...That sounded sarcastic. (laughs)
Triumph covered the World Cup in New York, and in the third video he vowed to hump a dog from every country represented in the sport. The twist came when they got to Brazil: Instead of a dog, Triumph humped an iguana. Triumph got winded trying to please it.
Triumph: ...Am I doing something wrong here??
Coffee Table Books That Didn't Sell is almost always good for a laugh. A particularly good one is "Shy Stallone", which consists of pictures of Sylvester Stallone hiding from the camera, including behind a tree, in a locker, in a leaf pile, and in a mailbox.
Olivia Munn visits, and talks about her Hilariously Abusive Childhood at the hands of her Asian Tiger Mom. She maintains that her childhood was probably different than Conan's because "white people don't hit their kids." Cue Jeff Garlin and Andy Richter on the other side of the couch, laughing incredulously.
Jeff Garlin: Have you been to the South?! Andy Richter: Have you been to a Wal-mart?
Dr. Phil vs. Punxsutawney Dr. Phil. It ended with the real Dr. Phil pulling out a knife and asking Punxsutawney if he wants to dance.
The 2014 interview with Harrison Ford:
Conan bribed Ford to reveal a spoiler for the upcoming Star Wars movie. After much hesitation, and cheers from the audience, Ford pocketed the $1,000. After a pause: "A long time ago... in a place far, far away..." The audience erupted. Andy had to correct him: "A galaxy far, far away."
Conan showed a montage of Ford angrily pointing in his movies.
Ford recalls his experience working in Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues. He knew going in that it was a comedy, but he didn't know what kind of comedy. He further stated he didn't know what the joke was, causing Conan to burst out laughing.
Whenever a beautiful woman is a guest on the show, Conan notices that more crew members than usual suddenly show up to ogle her. This is always taken to ridiculous extremes, like how Conan notices a piano tuner is still on the set, or a tower bell ringer, or a Steve Harvey impersonator, or a human applause sign.