"Don't do anything I wouldn't do! (beat) That gives you a lot of leeway..."
— Sidney, Sweet Smell of Success
Alice and Bob are about to part ways for a while. Alice is going to be alone in a situation, possibly her first time in such a situation, and Bob feels compelled to give advice, so he tells her, "Don't do anything I wouldn't do."
Can go one of a few ways. It may make Alice seriously consider, What Would Bob Do? Depending on the situation, Alice may be wondering if there is anything Bob wouldn't do. Occasionally, in these situations, Bob may realize this and correct the phrase to "Don't do anything I would do."
Examples:
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Comic Books
- In the Fourth-Wall Mail Slot of one issue of Star Wars: Doctor Aphra, peppy torture-droid Triple-Zero signs off with this phrase. "So do literally anything, except show mercy."
Fan Works
- Said by Spectrem to John and George in The Keys Stand Alone: The Soft World—and he's so square that he means it.
- Lily starts to say this to Harriett in The Rigel Black Chronicles, then realises that she's in the presence of both James and Sirius, and settles for "don't do anything Remus wouldn't do."
- Willow says this in The Secret Return of Alex Mack when Alex and Ray are going home after graduation. Ray, however, can't think of anything a pair of teen-agers might get up to that Willow wouldn't do.
Film
- Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle
Freakshow: Just don't do anything the good Lord wouldn't do.
- Mermaids
Rachel Flax: Don't do anything I wouldn't do! Or don't do anything I would!
- Sweet Smell of Success
Sidney Falco: Don't do anything I wouldn't do! That gives you a lot of leeway...
- The Munsters' Revenge
- Fright Night (2011): "Don't do anything I wouldn't do— well, that doesn't narrow it down. That's like, mini-golf and sushi."
- Spider-Man: Homecoming has Tony Stark explain to Peter Parker how an Avenger should behave:
Tony: Don't do anything I would do.
[Peter nods]
Tony: And definitely don't do anything I wouldn't do.
[Peter looks confused]
Tony: There's a little grey area in there, and that's where you operate. Alright?
Literature
- Discworld's Nanny Ogg: "Don't do anything I wouldn't do, if you ever find anything I wouldn't do."
- In Legacy of the Force, as Jaina's heading off for a date, her younger cousin Ben uses this phrase. Jaina replies that she will, and hopefully he won't, yet.
Live Action TV
- Better Off Ted
Linda: Don't do anything I wouldn't do! (Whispers) There's nothing I wouldn't do.Friend: I know, I was your roommate.
- Fawlty Towers
Miss Gatsby: And don't do anything *we* wouldn't do!
Basil: Oh, of course not. Just some light breathing...
- Quantum Leap
Al: Don't do anything I wouldn't do. And if you do, take pictures.
- In Sliders, Rembrandt utters this phrase and a confused Colin remarks "...I do not think I know him well enough to know what he would or would not do under certain circumstances."
- Star Trek: Deep Space Nine episode "Treachery, Faith, and the Great River"
- When Castle's teenage daughter is going to the prom, he tells her date, "Don't do anything I would do."
- In Sex and the City, Samantha's boyfriend Smith is about to leave for a work-related venture. Samantha tells him not to do anything she wouldn't, to which he wryly repsonds "What things don't you do?" Samantha: "There are some things.... Karaoke. I don't do that."
- In the M*A*S*H episode "The Novocaine Mutiny", Frank Burns says this to Colonel Potter as the latter is heading to Tokyo on R&R, prompting Potter to reply, "I don't know that I'd want to do anything you would do."
- The Cosby Show: When Theo is about to head out to his Senior Prom he assures Cliff "I won't do anything you wouldn't do." Cliff responds, "Just remember: I married my prom date."
- Doctor Who. Bill Potts brings home Penny instead of a boyfriend to her mother's relief, unaware that her adopted daughter is a closet lesbian. When mom gives this trope as she's walking out the door, the audience naturally expects a Gilligan Cut to lesbian snogging; instead Bill and Penny enjoy tea. Then the Pope walks in the door and Bill spends the rest of the episode doing things that mom wouldn't even conceive of doing.
- Yes, Minister: Unusual Could Say It, But... example, when Hacker is definitely not telling Sir Humphrey to leak documents to the press during his upcoming meal with a journalist.
- The Golden Girls: Between Dorothy and Sophie-
"Don't do anything I wouldn't do.""I think I crossed that line when I got a date."
Newspaper Comics
- Inverted in this strip
of Doonesbury: "Don't do anything I would do!"
- Zits:
- In the 2015-01-01 strip, Jeremy combines this with Confusing Multiple Negatives to trick his mom into letting him go out.
Connie: Behave yourself
Jeremy: Don't worry. I'll only not do things you wouldn't not do.
Pierce: So you can go?
Jeremy: As long as we're gone before she counts the 'nots'.- In another, his dad asks him to "don't do anything I wouldn't do" when going out with friends. Jeremy points out that he never does anything his dad would do, which doesn't give him a lot of room to do anything. Walt reveals he knows that, and is proud to have come up with the idea.
Professional Wrestling
- In WWE, "Stone Cold" Steve Austin said this to Goldberg when handing him a ticket to the No Way Out pay-per-view in 2004, in which Goldberg's enemy Brock Lesnar was defending the WWE Championship. The problem with this was soon afterward lampshaded by Vince McMahon:
Vince McMahon: There isn't a damn thing you wouldn't do!
Video Games
- World of Warcraft: When a warlock dismisses a pet succubus, she sometimes says this line before disappearing.
Web Comics
- Backfires in Ozy and Millie when Pirate Captain Locke pretends to be Millie at school:
Ozy: Just don't do anything Millie wouldn't do.Locke: Okay, that should be easy enough. Listen up, everybody! We're going to consolidate our pirate booty, and then pillage the principal's office!Ozy: [Facepalm] Shoot... I forgot he's met her.
Western Animation
- Steven Universe: Steven's dream of Garnet gives him this advice for the big dance, much to the delight of the "live studio audience".
- Tom and Jerry: "Fraidy Cat" had Tom's chicken-hearted cousin visiting, and he's scared of mice. After several scenes of confusion, Tom and his cousin team up to fool Jerry. Tom's rear shows up behind a wall and Jerry is about to kick it, when his cousin (whom Jerry thinks is Tom gone cowardly) shows up at the other end and says "I wouldn't kick me if I were you!"
