Funny / Phelous 2009 Episodes

I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer

• The review opens with a sketch parodying the original movie, with Phelous going to get his mail and finding the DVD in a package saying "I know what you watched last summer". He then proceeds to parody the infamous "What are you waiting for?" scene by screaming out "What do you want from me?"... before finding a note along with the DVD saying "Review it!"
• The start of the review merits a mention:
  Phelous: This movie sucks.
  The End
• Phelous comments that, as far as Slasher movies go, the killer's motive in the first movie actually makes sense, since he has perfectly legitimate reasons to be pissed at the teenagers who ran over him with a car and then left him to drown even though they knew he was dead... except for the fact he also kills plenty of people who had nothing to do with this on his way to slaughter them.
  Phelous: So I guess his revenge is pretty broad... or I mean, either that or running him over and trying to drown him activated Serial Killer mode in his brain.
  • Moreover, he notices that for all his talk about revenge, the Fisherman insists on going after the Final Girl and Jack Black while ignoring good opportunities to kill the Jerkass character who actually was the primary responsible for leaving him dead.
• After listing the names for the first two movies, respectively I Know What You Did Last Summer and I Still Know What You Did Last Summer, he comments that the next movie should have been called "I Forgot What You Did Last Summer''.
• When listing the various suspects, Phelous mentions the creepy deputy, the sheriff, the victim's cousin Lance, and That Guy With The Glasses.
• Phelous's epic Freak Out upon discovering that the killer in I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer was a zombie fisherman? A zombie fisherman!? A ZOMBIE FISHERMAN!?
• The protagonist insists that they can't call the cops because no one will believe them:
  Phelous: You're right, I am watching this shit, and I still don't believe it!
• Later, when the cops ask them if they can identify their agressor:
  Phelous: Yeah, it was a teleporting zombie fisherman!

The Ruins

• Phelous opens the review with a question:
  Phelous: What are the two most important things in a movie? (Beat) No, not tits and ass! Character Development and plot! And if you wanted a movie with neither of these things, then this is the movie for you!
• Phelous being completely baffled when the main characters immediately accept joining a guy they just met to visit a creepy place in the wilderness that isn't even on maps.
• Overall, his irritation about the movie dragging on during the first part instead of going straight for the horror and focusing and completely pointless things such as the protagonists partying on the beach and making bet about oral sex or one of the female protagonists losing an earring.
  Phelous: I don't know if I can handle of the dramatics!
• During the argument with the Mayans, one of the protagonists try reasoning with them, which Phelous interprets in him trying to prove he isn't a throwaway character. The mayans immediately shoot him.
  Phelous: I guess the Mayans didn't believe him.
• When the corpse of Mathias's brother is found.
  Phelous: I think he's deeeeeead.
• invoked During the scene where the Mayans shoot one of their own children for having been touched by the temple's plants, thus revealing they are trying to avoid contact with these plants at all cost, Phelous points that they really brought this entire mess on themselves for bringing their children close to the temple in the first place and could have easily avoided the plot of the movie altogether had they just blocked the way to the temple instead of waiting for people to get close to the temple and then scare them into a situation that'll guarantee contact with it.
• His response to Ben Stiller being credited as Executive Producer. He cuts to Derek Zoolander doing "Magnum".

Troll 2

• His Alternative Character Interpretation that the Goblins at the beginnning of the story narrated by the grandfather actually are after the protagonist because they are offended he called them Trolls.
  • Also, him pointing out that the Granfather kind is an asshole for telling his grandson a bedtime story about man-eating goblins:
    Joshua: Don't tell me they ate him, Grandpa!
    Grandfather: That's exactly what happened.
    Phelous!Grandfather: Now have a fun time trying to go to sleep, you little bastard!
  • Then during her pep talk to her son, the mother advises her son that in order to cope with his grandfather's death, he should just banish him from his mind:
    Phelous: ...What the hell?!
• The Running Gag of Phelous pointing out the absurdity behind the daughter rejecting her boyfriend for having friends, without actually explaining what's wrong with them (except the movie apparently suggesting friends are a substitute for having sex). Cue him using a Faux Horrific when the guy shows up with his friends.
• The villainess presenting a drink as being natural due to having "all the property of plants in the Earth":
  Phelous: Well, Naturally! ... I promise I will never do that again.
• When the girl is shown turning into plants in front of the villain and Arnold:
  Arnold: There must be a logical reason for all of this...
  Villainess: SHUT UP!
  Phelous!Villainess: Don't try to bring logic into this movie, you idiot!
• He set the infamous Big "OMG!" to Also sprach Zarathustra.
  • And, as an encore from the first Troll movie:
    Sam the Eagle: You are all weirdos.
• When the grandfather ghost complains his daughter never listened to his advices:
  Phelous: Don't you hate when people still insist on giving you advices from beyond the grave? (cue the Ghostbusters theme playing)
• When the boyfriend finally abandons his friends for his girlfriend:
  Friend: You're gonna leave me here all alone?
  Boyfriend: Yes!
  Phelous!Boyfriend: Of course! It's easier for you to get killed on your own, stupid!
• When the Preacher reverts to his real form upon death, revealing he was a tro- sorry, a goblin:
  Sheriff : He was one of us! AND YOU KILLED HIM! Now it's your turn!
  Phelous!Sheriff: But not right now! We're going to let you slowly back into your house! We're gonna get you... later!
• "What a horrible night to have a troll... goblin"

Hobgoblins

• Poking fun of the whole "Someone's rubbing puppets on us!" effects used, there's a scene where Phelous is attacked by a Kermit The Frog plushie.
  • What really sells this is the song that plays when Kermit is gnawing Phelous's face off.
    Kermit: Why are there so many songs about rainbows? And what's on the other si—
    Phelous: Cut it out! (flings Kermit away with a large thud)

Troll 3

• Phelous' utter confusion over the fact this movie was released under five completely different titles, making him wonder if the movie was so bad they felt like they needed to change its title each time to avoid bad word to mouth.
• In Phelous' opinion, the best actor in the movie is Wolfie the dog, because at least he doesn't look directly into the camera.
• The girl at the opening escapes her attempted rapist by inflicting him a Groin Attack:
  Rapist driver (in pain): She shouldn't have done that!
  Phelous!Rapist driver: Doesn't she know what I am trying to do?! Oh, wait, maybe she does know what I am trying to do, and that's why she did that!
  Rapist driver: Hey! Come on, out now... or I am going to leave you here!
  Phelous: Is that supposed to be a threat? I think she'd like it if you took off, jackass!
• The constant POV shots to show people being killed by the plants causes Phelous to believe a cameraman crawling in the grass is killing everyone, to the point he is surprised when it's revealed it was, indeed, killing plants.
• The Running Gag of the overly long chase scene.
• The end skit has toy bulldozers rushing to attack Phelous. The sound and editing are timed perfectly.
  • The effect of Phelous having a root poke through his eye that surpasses the one in the movie: He uses a stick and a paper cutout of his face.
  Phelous: AHHHHHHH, REAL!

Cabin Fever

• After being irritated about the main characters being once again a group of unlikable teenagers out go party, Phelous notices that at least Santa Claus-looking shopkeeper seems kinda funny. Cue said character delivering a racist slur.
  Phelous: ... Okay, so much for that...
• His growing irritation over the characters being incredibly unlikable and constantly throwing "gay" as an insult, including a girl telling her Love Interest "don't be gay" when he asks her if they are dating:
  Phelous: Who the hell are we supposed to care about in this movie?!
• Since the movie doesn't bother to tell what the characters are being infected with, Phelous decides to just say "HE'S INFECTED WITH THE T-VIRUS!"
• The characters take care of the guy trying to steal their car to get help by killing him and setting him on fire, before asking what else they were supposed to do:
  Phelous: Yup, that pretty much was the only option!
• "And she has an ass apparently"
• The entire Running Gag of "Party Cop".
• During the infamous sex scene where the girl compared her situation to being on a plane you know it's about to crash, Phelous comments she must know based on all the plane crash she has been in.
• Phelous completely losing it at the "pancake" scene. To demonstrate just how nonsensical and out of place it is, he compares it to him suddenly having a random montage with the Samurai Pizza Cats intro in the middle of his review for no apparent reason.
• The Big Crocodile Scene Happening involving the little kid being given surgery by a guy in a rabbit costume.

The Midnight Meat Train

• Phelous realizes with a Face Palm that calling the video "Phelous Aboard the Meat Train" probably wasn't his smartest choice:
  Phelous: Why would I call this video that? It might as well be Phallus instead of Phelous, right? Let's call it Phallus Aboard the Meat Train!
• The protagonist Leon avert a rape by pointing out to the thugs that there is a camera:
  Leon: You ever starred in a movie before?
  Phelous!Thug: Yeah, but not a good one.
• Phelous reacting with complete hilarity to the death scenes due to how over the top and ridiculous they are.
  Phelous: Kinda like a Mortal Kombat Fatality. (Subzero rushes toward him, threatening to hit him) Don't worry, I'm not gonna do it!
  Subzero: You better not! (leave)
  • Phelous then technically keeps his word and doesn't uses do a Mortal Kombat reference when describing the death scenes... he instead uses the gag during the sex scene between Leon and his girlfriend. Which makes Subzero so sad and disgusted he doesn't even bother hitting Phelous, not even when Phelous does use it for a death scene later.
    "BUCKFUTTALITY!"
• When it's revealed the killer has a hook, Phelous suffer a flashback from the Zombie Fisherman scene in I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer.
• Three of the victims are a couple and another guy trying to convince them into having a threesome. Then the killer murders them all, including one with a Groin Attack using the aforementioned hook:
  Phelous: Ow, forget about having even a onesome now!
• "If I hide long enough, maybe he will disappear! Oh, no, still there, I better run away in a secluded area away from the other people!"
• When it's revealed the cop is part of the conspiracy around the killer:
  Phelous: Just like in Troll 3! That must be where they got their inspiration from! (his face becomes horrified)
• "Anyway, Leon ends up defeating the Butcher!" (The Legend of Zelda victory music plays)
• The sharply dressed killer stands up, straightens his tie and gets on the eponymous subway train. Phelous sets the whole thing to the theme from Get Smart. It fits. Perfectly.

Silent Hill: Shattered Memories

• His spoof on the alternate personalities in Silent Hill: Shattered Memories with rapid fire Shout Outs to The Cinema Snob, The Nostalgia Critic, and The Angry Video Game Nerd, as well as a Take That! to The Irate Gamer.
  Phelous (as Angry Video Game Nerd): Shattered Memories? More like shattered asshole! I'd rather play a different game than play this game!
  Phelous (as Nostalgia Critic): Hello, Silent Hill shattered my memories! I don't remember it so you don't have to!
  Phelous (as Cinema Snob): In my expert opinion, Silent Hill: Shattered Memories is a game (pause) that came out on the (pause) in December 2009.
  Phelous (as Irate Gamer): Silent Hill: Shattered Memories is the perfect predecessor to the first Silent Hill game.

Resident Evil

• The opening segment of the review parodies the intro of the original Resident Evil game, including the cheesy live action cinematic and character presentation, with Chris Redfield coughing due to smoking, Barry eating a sandwitch and Wesker looking himself into the mirror.
  "There are three movies left: Resident Evil (2002), Apocalypse and Extinction. We don't know where Degeneration is."
• The Naked Alice Count.
• Him pointing out just how incompetent this incarnation of the Umbrella Corporation is, as their emergency procedure for the Hive consists in basically killing everyone inside and putting the whole building in quarantine to contain the virus, yet they didn't give the computer in charge any mean to contact them in order to warn after this and instead have to send a squad to check this out without telling them anything about what there was inside.
• Phelous thinks the squad's weapon agains the Red Queen is a button to send her endless YouTube comments until she fries.
• "So, in case of emergency, basically their plan was DELETE FUCKING EVERYTHING!"
• "After they killed that zombie, expecting some more lasers to come from around the corner, but in an actual twist, there are more zombies in this supposed Resident Evil movie." (applaud sounds)

Resident Evil Apocalypse

• "So we start this one with seeing the second team they send into the Hive weren't prepared either and start getting killed! I guess Umbrella just never really get tired of sending teams in to die for informations they already should have had!"
• Upon seeing Jill got disgraced and suspended in that universe, Phelous wonders what got her into this situation. Cue a scene of Jill showing up at the police office to start randomly shooting zombies with no warning.
  Phelous: ... Okay, probably something to do with that kind of behaviour...
• When Jill frees someone by shooting at his handcuff, Phelous comments that this incarnation of Jill doesn't appear to be quite the master of unlocking.
• When noticing Umbrella somehow managed to have walls around all of Racoon City, Phelous wonders if these walls always were there, or if being the master of Wall-building is the one thing Umbrella is competent at.
• "Yup, that takes care of the evil motorcycle..."
• Phelous' interview with Barry Burton to figure out just how much this movie got wrong about S.T.A.R.S.
  • Barry asks what happens to Nemesis' tentacles in this movie; Phelous answers Dr Isaac probably stole them for the next movie.
• Upon hearing Ashford created the T-Virus while searching for a cure to his daughter's paralysis:
  Phelous: This dumbass Ashford accidentally created a virus that would raise the dead trying to cure paralysis! Keep him the fuck away from science! I don't think they're on good terms! And what a great father! He infected his daughter with the T-Virus! All she has to do is to make sure to take the antivirus for the rest of her life, or she'll become the Walking Dead! But, you know, the alternative was weelchair!

Resident Evil Extinction

• When the movie opens on a re-creation of the scene from Resident Evil 1 with Alice waking up under the shower, Phelous briefly thinks he put the wrong movie by mistake. Then the scenes in the desert are shown, causing him to think he accidentally put Mad Max.
• When Alice (actually her clone) gets killed in the intro of the movie, cheers can be heard coupled with a victory music.
• Then when it's revealed Umbrella has been cloning Alice several times and testing clones to see why she bounded with the T-Virus:
  Phelous: ...And the best way to test them is to have them wake up naked in the shower in a recreation of the Hive from first movie and then dressed the same. Yes, that makes perfect sense! I don't know why you wouldn't test clones like that!
• He then noticed that, in order to so perfectly re-create the scene from the intro of the first movie, they had to have cameras in her shower in order to see it, meaning they prioritized knowing what happened in her shower over knowing what happened inside the Hive.
• After complaining about how once again Claire Redfield basically is an In Name Only adaptation of the character, Phelous comments Wesker, on the other hand, is a bit more accurate to the source material... in that he's wearing sunglasses.
  Phelous (puts on sunglasses): I am Wesker now!
• Phelous comments we haven't seen any naked Alice in a while. Cue a scene with one of her clones naked and the Naked Alice Count raising.
  Phelous: Ah, there you go.
• Noticing how the new holographic little girl looks much more realistic than the Red Queen, Phelous comments Umbrella really knew where their priorities lied if they seriously thought that was the thing to focus on during a Zombie Apocalypse.
• "CAGE WINS! TIMEALITY!"
• When Isaac finds Alice's by satellite yet tells Wesker he's not sure they've found her despite clearly recognizing her face, Phelous deduces that he probably ended up losing some of the pointless clones of her he made and as a result isn't sure who is the real one anymore.
• LJ's actual funniest moment according to Phelous: the moment where he turns into a zombie and is killed.
• When Alice gets shut down and later fight off the Mind Control, Phelous plays the shut down and restart Windows musics.
• The final shot of the movie with the entire army of Alice clones causes the Alice Naked Count to rise so high it explodes.

Fear Dot Com

• Phelous' presentation of the movie:
  Phelous (excitedly): What would you get if you took the basic plot of the Ringu, updated it, and gave it some awesome characters? (Beat, before going back to his usual sarcastic tone) Well you sure wouldn't get Fear Dot Com!
• Phelous notices the in-film website's actual adress apparently is "feardotcom.com", prompting him to call the site Fear Dot Com Dot Com for the rest of the review.
• The Killer (Pratt) goes looking for his "leading lady" by stalking a blonde woman with a camera:
  Phelous: Oh, this isn't creepy at all or anything...
  Pratt: Well, I was filming you because you happen to be the perfect... leading lady.
  Phelous: (laughs) Yeah, like she is really—
  Future victim: (genuinely interested) Do you mean that?
  Phelous: (sighs and facepalms) She is really gonna go for that.
• The police chief assures he sent his computer for repair:
  Phelous!Chief: Yeah, seriously, I'm not lying, I didn't even go to this website that kills you or anything. GET OFF MY BACK ABOUT IT!
  • Later, during the Chief's death scene with the Creepy Child:
    Phelous!Chief: Oh, stupid little girls with their balls and their background music! Oh, and now she disappeared! That annoys me so much I'm gonna take this cigarette out again! No, wait, put it back! ... No, I'll take it out! Now just to casually walk to my car, and actually I could use that cigarette, hopefully it appears in my mouth as I enter it- ah, good!
  • "If you smoke... a little girl with powers will kill you."
• He gets progressively more and more confused and infuriated with the evil website's nonsensical actions and statements, until...
  Evil Website Woman: (seductively) Do you want to hurt me?
  Phelous: Yes! Holy shit, YES!!
  • When the Evil Website Woman calls one of the characters, Phelous cuts in as her.
    "Seven daysss... Ah, I mean, are you ready to play?"
• Dena Natali's part in the end skit. Her performance as the aforementioned Evil Website Woman achieves the right balance of funny and creepy.

---