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Characters / Flintlocke's Guide to Azeroth

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Flintlocke's Guide to Azeroth

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"We're gonna save and/or destroy tha world!"
Class: Warrior

Flintlocke is a dwarf warrior who, strangely enough, sees himself as a hunter. As such, he uses ranged weapons for most of his more powerful attacks, but also uses hammers, maces, and other blunt weapons. Despite this, he has a surprising success rate with his odd tactics, generally ending up with a One-Hit Kill.

  • Deadpan Snarker: He can be this at times.
  • Genius Ditz: Say what you will about him, but all of his weapons and attacks barring the "Goblin Bazooka" worked.
  • MacGyvering: He's cobbled together numerous gadgets and killing methods out of junk, and besides the "Goblin Bazooka" they've all worked.

    "Doc" Schweitzer 

"Doc" Schweitzer
"You see, there's this thing called aggro. It's a very complicated, very technical roleplaying expression. Loosely translated, it means 'The Priest dies'."
Class: Priest

Schweitzer is the group's healer, though his position is highly debatable. "Doc" never attacks, instead favoring a tactic of hiding behind trees and columns or running away, only coming out of hiding when there is something for him to loot. When no other option is available, he has been known to pee his pants as a direct response. While it may seem like cowardice to the untrained eye, Doc has come to rationalize this behavior with a complicated explanation.


"Fur is murder!"
Class: Hunter

Kathrena is a Night Elf hunter, and is Flintlocke's unofficial girlfriend. Their relationship is a tumultuous one at best, since she has a high respect of nature and he has a propensity to use small furry mammals as ammunition. She is a highly skilled archer who can take down most opponents with a single arrow to the throat or chest, leading her to admit that maybe hunters need to be nerfed. She used to have a pet spider named Ittsy Bittsy who tried eating Flintlocke's face on their first meeting.


"I blow through levels like Kleenex!"
Class: Mage

Bloodrose is a female gnome mage with almost full Arcanist gear who usually ends up doing all the real work herself. She is the consummate powergamer who "plays this game to win". Flintlocke often calls her a "munchkin". She is such a powergamer that she once gained a level just by talking at length about battle strategy.


"I lewt teh hat."
Class: Rogue

Lowping is a gnome rogue played by a man who has not been at his keyboard in over a year before returning, leaving his character to be handled by scripts and macros downloaded from a Chinese fileserver that have Flintlocke set on /follow and /assist. He was later revealed to be not a Chinese gold farmer, but an American lawyer who dabbles in gold farming as a hobby with characters across several games. He's stolen the Ultimate Goblin Engineered Weapon four other times before now, although he wasn't at his keys at the time.

  • Amoral Attorney: While unrelated to his job, and though the real Lowping seems like a very nice person, botting and gold farming is still against the Terms of Service for practically every game he's involved with.
  • Asskicking Equals Authority: Gained the rank of "Knight-Captain" after a short trek through Thunder Bluff.
  • Badass Adorable: He's a gnome who, due to the Chinese bot handling him, speaks in a child-like manner. He also has the Knight-Captain PvP rank and is one of the strongest members of the party.
  • Badass Bookworm: He's a multitasking corporate patent attorney from Pittsburgh, and by far one of the most competent members of the party, both while at his keys and away.
  • Crazy-Prepared: He has macros for several things, including looting, following Flintlocke around, molesting barmaids, requesting cybersex from female players, climbing into Flintlocke's dead ram and automatically running to the Stockades to loot the first chest he finds whenever entering Stormwind. The man himself has in-depth knowledge of the weather patterns and wind currents of Azeroth.
  • Hidden Depths: Oh, yes. For starters, the character is played by a lawyer in Pittsburgh, runs a little goldfarming side business in World of Warcraft (as well as collecting the phone numbers and MySpace of hot women as it plays, which he also sells) and is at least bilingual, as he is capable of understanding French. He's an extreme multitasker, has a level 60 tauren on Bloodhoof and a 55 paladin that he runs simultaneously, a level 59 defiler in EverQuest, an extensive mining cooperation in EVE Online and a monk/elementalist who is a key contributor to the number three ranked North America guild in Guild Wars and is playing at the same time as he's getting a massage and watching television.
    • His Horde alt, Rigley, is "the richest mage on the server", and got there by trading a stack of peacebloom for a couple of healing potions, which he traded for a piece of chain armor, and yadda yadda - 150,000 gold pieces.
  • Hoist by Their Own Petard: He gets killed by the Horde party equipped with stuff they bought using a favor he owed one of them.
  • Nice Hat: He claimed the Hat of the Archmage that dropped from Narrilasanz the dragon, winning it against Bloodrose.
  • Riding the Bomb: Rides the Ultimate Goblin-Engineered Weapon like Dr. Strangelove when it's dropped off the zeppelin.
  • The Smart Guy: As the "real" Lowping.
  • Walking Spoiler: The fact that he's not a Chinese bot and that it's not his first time stealing the Ultimate Goblin-Engineered weapon is learned in the climax
  • Wham Episode: "The Truth About Lowping".

Flintlocke vs The Horde


"I do this to honor my ancestors, who fought and died to grant me this opportunity."
Class: Hunter

An orc roleplayer who tries to stick to his character, Rok'tar's in-character father is an NPC quest giver who is soon killed by Flintlocke's party, enraging him and motivating him to level up quickly so he can get revenge.

  • Achievements in Ignorance/Beyond the Impossible: He tamed a bunny. A critter.
    Shadow Priest: A bunny? You tamed a bunny? Is that even possible?
    • Additionally, he made the trek across Kalimdor to Teldrassil, travelling through the Alliance capital of Darnassus, completely naked, and managed to survive without getting killed once.
    Shadow Priest: Statistically speaking, you should have been killed an average of twelve times by now.
  • Ascended Meme: Can be found in the Twilight Highlands along with Flintlocke.
  • Badass Normal: As a Hunter, he's the only member of his group who isn't a spellcaster of some sort.
  • Hero Killer: In the finale of Flintlocke vs the Horde, he killed both Flintlocke and Schweitzer with only his pet. Additionally, Bun'kar also dealt the final blow to Lowping.
  • In the End, You Are on Your Own: Not due to his own fault, but with his entire party dead, he's the only one left to take on Flintlocke and Schweitzer.
  • Killer Rabbit: Bun'kar the Warrior Bunny grows angry at your insolence!
  • Naked People Are Funny: Runs all the way from the Crossroads to Teldrassil, all the way through the Alliance capital of Darnassus, completely naked - Without dying.
  • Revenge: His motive for hunting down Flintlocke. He killed his father.
  • Unknown Rival: To Flintlocke. While It's Personal for Rok'tar, Flintlocke is only guilty of being stupid enough to trust a "guide" he bought on Ebay telling him that random NPCs around the world are bosses, and only takes it personally after Lowping is killed by Bun'kar.
  • You Killed My Father: His NPC father is killed by Flintlocke in the early stages. He respawns, but he's killed by Flintlocke again shortly afterwards.


"I plant funny heads. In the ground."
Class: Shaman

A troll shaman Rok'tar meets in Durotar, Gravy is played by a stoner and is almost always high, and can often be found with a bong or hallucinating. This means he doesn't roleplay very much, although sometimes he will talk with a troll accent. In their first encounter he tells Rok'tar that he made the character so he could get to put funny heads in the ground.

  • Ascended Meme: Is a food vendor in one of Orgrimmar's inns following Cataclysm.
  • Cloudcuckoolander: Due to being almost perpetually high, he can be quite odd at times.
  • The Stoner: Almost always high. In fact, he was so out of it when he made his character, he considers himself lucky he can even remember his password, and the very first thing Rok'tar hears when he and Gravy enable voice chat is him smoking from a bong.
  • Supreme Chef: He trained his cooking so high he can provide a full-on banquet. During one such banquet in the middle of a Warsong Gulch march, he served up Rok'tar's owl.

    The Shadow Priest 

The Shadow Priest
"Life is the disease. I am the cure."
Class: Priest

Rok'tar and Gravy met this character while questing. The priest is an experienced gamer, in this respect partly similar to Bloodrose from the Flintlocke comic, although he does not seem to be as obsessed with leveling up and getting the best gear as Bloodrose is. He serves as the guide for the rest of the party.

  • Archenemy: Considers his to be The Wuuf, another powerleveler. Ironically, he gets killed by a custom macro designed by him.
  • Awesomeness by Analysis: Plotted out a mathematically optimal route of quest collection and turn-ins with a traveling-salesman-style algorithm for the sake of leveling up in the Barrens. Simply looking at his chart makes Gravy go up a level.
    Shadow Priest: You should see what I pull off in Un'Goro.
  • Blood Knight: Relishes in the idea of PvPing and killing people.
    Shadow Priest: Time to make stuff dead! Extra dead! Painful dead!
  • Bond One-Liner: After making a priest who claimed to be the greatest shadow priest on the server melt their own face:
    Shadow Priest: That'll be 25 silver for the consultation, and an extra gold for sending you to a specialist.
  • 11th-Hour Superpower: His Shadowform, which he activates right before the finale.
    Cheri: Egah! What's that?
    Shadow Priest: It's called "Shadowform". The embodiment of evil.
  • Freudian Slip: When Cheri asks him why does it matter whether she's a girl or not.
    Shadow Priest: It's just awfully embarrassing to find out after.
    Cheri: After what?
    Shadow Priest: ...Mistell.
  • Ironic Death: Gets killed by a macro spell designed by his archnemesis, the Wuuf.
  • Kick the Dog: Cured a dwarf of an infected snickerfang bite only to melt his face shortly after.
  • The Mentor: Serves as the guide for the party, and specifically, is Rok'tar's PvP mentor. He gets killed in the finale by Schweitzer.
  • Mentor Occupational Hazard: Utterly wrecked by Schweitzer in the finale.
  • No Name Given: His Fan Nickname is "Bubbles".
  • Shadow Archetype: To Bloodrose, as both are experienced powergamers.
  • There Are No Girls on the Internet: He initially suspects Cheri of being a G.I.R.L.. However, he decides to use scientific methods to determine her true gender by observing her behaviour over the course of three to four weeks. The party ultimately finds out when she finally installs voice chat.
    Shadow Priest: First rule of online gaming: Never take a uterus for granted.


Class: Warlock

A blood elf warlock, and a fairly ditzy one. She appears shortly after the introduction of Bun'kar, and the Shadow Priest immediately starts hitting on her and immediately denies that is what he is doing.

  • Beware the Nice Ones: She's quite a pleasant person. However, when she's placed in a situation where she has power over others, she unleashes a rampage against the NPCs of Teldrassil.
  • The Ditz: She's initially led to believe that "IRL" means that someone is just kidding, and makes liberal use of Buffy Speak when describing things.
  • Hidden Depths: She apparently has a history major, and knows enough about music to compare the Shadow Priest and the Wuuf's rivalry to Mozart and Salieri.
  • Not So Different: Has wrecked havoc around Teldrassil in a manner similar to that and Flintlocke at the start of the story, right down to a Night Elven player doing a scene with his father like Rok'tar.


    PSI Investigators 

The PSI Investigators
"What kind of sick freak bludgeons a man to death with a hanky!?"
~The Senior PSI Investigator

A duo of detectives, who are part of the PSI "pween scene investigation" group. In their debut episode, the subordinate detective is referred to as McKenzie, while the head detective remains unnamed. They are both undead and follow the trail of dead people left behind by Flintlocke and his party. While McKenzie always seems to pin down the exact cause of death and deduce Flintlocke's unorthodox methods, his leader will inevitably dismiss his conclusion offhand and instead claim that the victim instead died by some bizarre suicide ritual or other farfetched method. As time goes by and Flintlocke's gang leaves more and more corpses, their theories get stranger and stranger.

  • Cassandra Truth: McKenzie is usually close to the truth, only for his boss to shoot down his ideas.
  • No Name Given: Although the junior inspector's name was revealed to be McKenzie in their debut episode, the senior inspector's name has yet to be revealed.
  • Small Name, Big Ego: The head detective seems to believe that he knows more than he actually does, and he continually dismisses his junior partner's logical deductions.

    The Wuuf 

The Wuuf
"Too easy. Nerf everything."
Class: Priest

The most renowned player there is, his skill is legendary, even Bloodrose considers that he is hardcore and that he makes her look like Doc. He terrorizes game designers who fear what he may post negatively on their forums about their new games, and has been a level 60 priest since the very first day that the World of Warcraft servers went up. His reputation is such that he always shows up saying "BEHOLD!" and gets away with making up new words that everyone else start using right away.

  • Archenemy: The Shadow Priest considers him to be his.

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