Funny / Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles

Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles were where it all started, and the rapid-fire comedy leads to every single episode having at least one utterly hilarious moment.

"Why are there six pedals if there's only four directions?"

Season 1

"This doesn't seem physically possible!"

Episode 1: Why Are We Here?

• The joke that started it all, "Hey. You ever wonder why we're here?"
  Grif: That's one of life's great mysteries, isn't it? Why are we here? Are we the product of some cosmic coincidence? Or is there a God who created us... with a plan. I dunno, but the thought keeps me up at night, man.
  Simmons: ...What? I meant, why are we out here, in this canyon?
• Simmons pointing out the pure Fridge Logic of the capture the flag in Blood Gulch.
  Simmons: Even if we were to pull out today, and they were to come take our base, that means they'd have two bases in the middle of a box canyon. Whoop-de-fucking-do.
• When Tucker asks Church what the Reds are doing, Church goes into a rant that the Reds are just standing around and talking; That's what they've done, it's what they're doing, and it's what they'll ever do.
  Tucker: ...What are they talking about?
  Church: ...Y'know what? I fucking hate you.

Episode 2: Red Gets a Delivery

• The iconic Warthog/Puma exchange, but also Sarge's casual threats to kill Grif:
  Sarge: Goddamn it, Private! Shut your mouth or else I'll have Simmons slit your throat while you're asleep!
  Sarge: Simmons, I want you to poison Grif's next meal.
• The best part of that bit is how willing Simmons is to comply:
  Simmons: Oh, I'll do it, sir!
• There's also Sarge's extremely sarcastic confirmation of Grif's questioning that the war is over.
  Sarge: That's exactly it, Private. War's over. We won. Turns out you're the big hero, and we're gonna hold a parade in your honor! I get to drive the float, and Simmons here IS IN CHARGE OF CONFETTI!
  Grif: I'm no stranger to sarcasm, sir.
• In the middle of that, there is:
  Sarge: See these tow hooks? They look like tusks. Now what kind of animal has tusks?
  Grif: A walrus.
  Sarge: Didn't I just tell you to stop making up animals?
• This legendary exchange between Tucker and Church after the Reds get the Warthog/Puma/Chupathingy:
  Tucker: You can't pick up chicks in a tank!
  Church: Oh, you know what? You could bitch about anything, couldn't you? We're gonna get a tank, and you're worried about chicks - what chicks are we gonna pick up, man?! And secondly, how are you gonna pick up chicks in a car that looks like that?!
  Tucker: ...What kind of car is it?
  Church: I dunno, I've never seen a car like that before. It looks like a, uh, like a big cat of some kind.
  Tucker: What, like a puma?
  Church: Yeah, man, there you go.

Episode 3: The Rookies

• Donut's Comically Missing the Point moment.
  Donut: Elbow grease? How stupid do they think I am? As soon I get back to base with that headlight fluid, I'm talking to the sergeant.
  • For that matter, headlight fluid.
• This exchange after Grif and Simmons send Donut on his Snipe Hunt;
  Simmons: You think that we were too mean to the kid?
  Grif: Nah, he'll just wander around the cliff for a few hours. What's the worst that could happen?
  (Cut to Donut outside of Blue Base)
  Donut: Finally! There it is. Oh, sweet! They sell tanks!

Episode 4: Head Noob in Charge

• Caboose is sent to guard the flag until "The General" shows up, so naturally he assumes Donut is that general. But special mention should be made to Church and Tucker, who not only fail to see Donut enter, but don't even turn around when Donut tries to introduce himself! Church just assumes it's Caboose and orders him into Blue Base, leading to this;
  Caboose: Wow! You got here fast!
  Donut: Why is everybody so freaking rude in this canyon?
  Caboose: I'm not, sir! What can I do for you?
  Donut: Finally, someone with a little respect.

Episode 5: The Package Is in the Open

• After learning that Caboose gave the flag to Donut, Church tries to snipe Donut, and fails.
  Donut: (waving the flag in a panic) Hey! It's me! Don't shoot! I'm the guy that bought the flag, remember!?
  Tucker: Oh, great. Now he's taunting us. That's just embarrassing.

Episode 6: 1.21 Giga-Whats?

• In the previous episode, Church sent Tucker through the Blue Base's teleporter...and he didn't come out, so Church went after Donut on foot. Also, the Blues assumed Donut was Sarge due to the two Reds having the same color armor at the time. After Church catches up with Donut and learns the truth, then Tucker comes out of the teleporter!
  Tucker: Hey, freeze, Sarge!
  Donut: Will you stop calling me sergeant? I'm still just a private.
  Tucker: The sarge is still a private? Oh my God, the teleporter's sent me back in time! [...] (To Church) Look, I know you don't know me, but you have to believe what I'm about to tell you. Sometime in your future I get stationed here at Blood Gulch and we meet. And this guy here, he gets promoted to sergeant of the Red Army and we spy on them. And they get this new jeep and I'm all like, "There is no way you can pick up chicks in a tank!"
  Church: Tucker, what the fuck are you babbling about?
• Also, the debut of the Warthog's "theme song".

Episode 7: Check out the Treads on That Tank

• Caboose's antics with Sheila the tank.
  Caboose Hello, Sheila... big... tank lady.
• At one point, Caboose steers the tank up onto a rock.
  Caboose: Why are there six pedals when there are only four directions?!

Episode 8: Don't Ph34r the Reaper

• The debut of the "SON OF A BITCH!" running gag.
• Tucker's reaction to Caboose's first team-kill.
  Tucker: You shot Church, you team-killing fucktard!
• Church and Tucker's last words.
  Church: I just wanted you to know. I always hated you. I always hated you the most.
  Tucker: I know. Now hurry up and die, you prick.

Episode 9: After Church

• This discussion as Sheila continuously shoots the Warthog:
  Tucker: Why do you keep shooting the jeep?
  Caboose: Because it's locked on!
  Tucker: Well, unlock it!
  Caboose: Last time I unlocked it, I killed Church!
  Tucker: ...oh. Keep shooting the jeep, then.
• And then, after Sarge's air strike destroys Sheila;
  Caboose: SHEILAAAA! NOOOOOO!
  Tucker: No! Sheila! SHEILA! Wait... Who's Sheila?
  Caboose: Sheila's the lady in the tank... She was my friend...
  Tucker: Oh, dude! I knew you could pick up chicks in a tank!

Episode 10: A Shadow of His Former Self

• Our introduction to Vic:
  Tucker: Hello, Command! We need help!
  Vic: Roger that, Blood Gulch. What is your request?
  Tucker: I don't know what the technical military term is for it, but, uh, we're pretty fucked up down here. We need men!
  Vic: Dude. How long have you guys been down there for?
• Church is telling a story of his experience of being terrorized by Tex on the ice planet Sidewinder, which he described to Caboose as "Really, fucking, cold!" after he was interrupted so many times:
  Church: Private Mickey was the first to go. He was halfway across he base, when all of a sudden, he just started screaming bloody murder.
  (Private Mickey seen spinning around shooting the ground wildly in the background)
  Private Mickey: Bloody murder! Bloody murder!
  (...)
  Church: Poor Jimmy was the last one to go. Tex walked up behind him, pulled Jimmy's skull out of his head and beat him to death with it.
  Tucker: Wait a second. How do you beat someone to death with his own skull? That doesn't seem physically possible.
  Church: That's exactly what Jimmy kept screaming.
  Jimmy: (While Tex is melee attacking him with the Oddball) This doesn't seem physically possible!

Episode 11: Knock knock. Who's there? Pain.

• While Tucker is explaining things to Tex, the Freelancer is shooting and lobbing grenades at something off-screen.
  Tucker: Uh, hey, Tex? I don't know what it's been like at your other bases, but we try not to use other soldiers as target practice here.
  (Camera pans to show Caboose standing against the wall with a bullet outline around him)
  Caboose: I'm scared.

Episode 12: Down, but Not Out

• While Tex is going to town on the Red Team, the Blue Flag inexplicably reappears in Blue Base.
  Game Announcer: BLUE TEAM flag returned.
  Tucker: What the- Who said that? (Turns to see Church's ghost)
  Church: (Clears throat) Sorry, that was me. I guess I had something stuck in my throat. Your flag is back, by the way.

• Also this exchange where Caboose reveals the one thing he remembered from Church, stated with such confidence that Church groans in frustration.
  Church: What was the one thing I told you guys the last time I was here?
  Caboose: That Sidewinder is COLD?!
  Church: (groans) What was the other one thing I told you!

Episode 13: Human Peer Bonding

• While Church is explaining things to the team, Caboose attempts to sound intelligent.
  Caboose: (in wondrous tone) AI... ...What's the "A" stand for?
  Church: Artificial.
  Caboose: ...What's the "I"—
  Church: Intelligence.
  Caboose: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh— what was the "A" again?
  Church: (very matter-of-fact, as though this happens every day) Let's move on.

Episode 14: Roomier Than it Looks

• More logic from Caboose!
  Tucker: Caboose! Get behind that rock. They can still see you.
  Caboose: They can't see me, I can't see them!
  Tucker: That's because you're facing the rock.
  Caboose: Oh.
• Church possesses Sarge's body and makes him spit inside his own helmet.

Episode 15: How the Other Half Lives

• After Sarge-possessed-by-Church is shot by Caboose, Grif and Simmons try to revive their CO;
  Sarge: I can't believe how hard they're tryin' to save me.
  Church: Why wouldn't they? I mean, my team didn't, but why wouldn't yours?
  Sarge: I thought they didn't like me.
  Church: Aw, don't sell yourself short. I don't even know you, and here I am about to guide you into Heaven for only five bucks.
• We also find out that Church and Sarge aren't the only two there after Sarge complains about getting shot in the head as being not fair.
  Church: Join the frickin' club, I got shot by my own tank.
  Sheila: Target locked.
  Church: Oh ha ha, very funny, Sheila, shut up. You know I still haven't forgiven you. I didn't say you could talk to me. Go over there, Geh, ga- Go over to the base! Shoo, shoo!
  Sheila: [Lowers her turret sadly and drives offscreen like a scolded puppy.]

Episode 16: A Slightly Crueler Cruller

• After spending the entire season silent, Lopez gets a speech unit. However, due to Sarge not grounding himself, static electricity damages the unit and causes Lopez to speak Spanish.
  Sarge: LOPEZ. HOW. DO. WE. FIX. YOUR. SPEECH. U. NIT?
  Grif: Why are you talking so slow? He understands us just fine. Maybe you should try listening slower.
  Sarge: Lopez, would you like to shoot Grif?
  Lopez: Si, Senor. Gracias. (Raises gun)
  Grif: No, stop! Um, alto! Alto!
  Simmons: Alto means tall, you dumbass.
  Grif: Then why do they put it on stop signs?

Episode 17: Points of Origin

• Lopez tells a story on why he's called "Lopez the Heavy";
  Grif: Man, first he doesn't talk at all, and now we can't get him to shut up. What's he saying?
  Simmons: What are you asking me for?
  Grif: Well, you know... Because you're of, uh...a Latino persuasion.
  Simmons: Simmons isn't a Spanish name, dumbass. I'm Dutch-Irish.
  Grif: But I thought...
  Simmons: What?
  Grif: Eh, never mind.
  (Beat)
  Donut: I'm from Iowa.
  Grif & Simmons: Nobody cares!

Episode 18: SPF 0

• As it turns out, Tucker and Caboose never buried Church's original body back when he died in Episode 8. To say Church is unhappy with this arrangement is an understatement, and he demands that Tucker bury it as soon as possible.
  Tucker: Get over it, you're already dead. What's the worst that could happen now?
  Caboose: Hey, Church! Look, birds! (Beat) Why are they flying around in circles?

Episode 19: Last One Out, Hit the Lights:

• The episode starts with Grif and Simmons having a familiar discussion.
  Simmons: Do you ever wonder why we're here?
  Grif: ...No. I never, ever wonder why we're here. Semper fi, bitch.
• When Donut makes his legendary grenade throw to kill Tex, there's a shot of everyone watching the bomb arc through the air. Tucker's comment? "That girl's got a really good arm."

Season 2

A typical Blue Team operation

Episode 20: Everything Old Is New Again

• Tucker and Caboose are explaining how they brought Church back, capped off by this exchange.
  Tucker: Right, and it took us almost six weeks to get his Spanish setting turned off.
  Church: (in Spanish) Not entirely turned off, moron.
  Tucker: *sighs* I'll get the Spanish dictionary.
• When Doc is introducing himself:
  Doc: I'm a pacifist.
  Caboose: You're a thing that babies suck on?
  Tucker: No, dude, that's a pedophile.
  Church: Tucker... I think you mean a pacifier.
  Tucker: Oh, right, dude, I was... totally think of something else.
  Church: That's real classy, Tucker.

Episode 21: Motion to Adjourn

• "I can't believe Church shot me." "Oh, don't even START, Caboose!"
• And right before that:
  Doc: Besides, I'm not supposed to get involved unless someone gets hurt.
  Church:... I see...
  (Aims somewhere off-screen, and shoots)
  Caboose: Oww! My foot!
  Church: Well, looks like Caboose just hurt himself! Maybe you should get over there and help him, Doc.
  Doc: You know, you could have just asked nicely...
• Doc gets his nickname:
  Church: Alright, you! Doc! Get over there and help Caboose!
  Doc: My name isn't Doc. It's Dufresne.
  Church: Yeah. I can't pronounce that. So from now on, it's Doc.
  Doc: I'm not really comfortable with that. I'm not a doctor; I'm a medic.
  Tucker: What's the difference?
  Doc: Well, a doctor cures people. A medic makes them more comfortable... while they die.
  Tucker: Mental note: Don't ever get shot.
• When Doc asks if there's anything else wrong with Caboose other than the recently shot foot:
  Caboose: Well, sometimes when I get to sleep at night I think about my parents having sex and I get really really mad for some reason.

Episode 22: Red vs. Bleu

• As part of the negotiations, Sarge demands the Blues' flag. Simmons points out that the last time they got it, Tex came down on them, and the Sarge hastily backtracks.
  Sarge: First off, we want your flag!
  Simmons: Wait, wait, last time we did that the chick in the black armor showed up.
  Sarge: -to stay right where it is!
• What do the Blues make Grif say in exchange for sending over Doc?
  Grif: "I would just like to let everyone know... that I suck... and that I'm a girl... and I like ribbons in my hair... and I want to kiss all the boys."
• Doc asks Grif the one question any sane man would ponder after being introduced to the Red and Blue teams.
  Doc: Do they put something in the water here?
  Grif: Water? We ran out of water six months ago.
  Doc: No water... Then what do you drink?
  Grif: Uh, you know, ketchup, uh, soy sauce, gravy... the usual.
  Sarge: I only drink the blood of my enemies... and occasionally a strawberry Yoo-Hoo.

Episode 23: The Joy of Toggling

• Having been taken to Red Base as a "Hostage", Doc and Grif begin chewing the fat, which leads to some mockery from the other Reds;
  Doc: Uh, hey, guys? I just want everyone to know that Grif and I aren't, uh, technically friends. Uh, we're just talking. That's it. (Grif turns around to stare at Doc) Sorry, man, but it's pretty obvious that you're really unpopular and if I'm gonna make any progress around here at I can't really be directly associate with you. (Beat) I'm sure you understand. (Beat) It's only because no one likes you. (Beat) Stop staring at me.
• Tucker finds a switch on Lopez, and Church suggests that they flip it. Tucker doesn't want to, it's in a... suggestive place.
  Tucker: It won't move, it's stuck.
  Church: Did you try wiggling it?
  Tucker: No way, I'm not wiggling your dongle.
  Church: Oh, stop being a baby. Just wiggle it. (Tucker does so) So, you from around here, baby?
  Tucker: Okay look, if you want me to do this, you can't talk like that.
  Church: Alright alright alright alright, I'm sorry, I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding.
  Tucker: I wish Tex was here, she wouldn't have any problem flipping it.
  Church: You obviously did not know Tex that well.

Episode 24: Sweet Ride

• Due to the Blues messing around with Lopez' switch and circuitry, the Reds' Warthog drives off on its own, knocking Doc into the driver's seat as it goes.
  Donut: Hey, he's taking the jeep!
  Doc: Help! This jeep is kidnapping me!
  Donut: Now he's taunting us. This is just embarrassing.
  Simmons: Hey, Sarge, new rule. How 'bout we just don't take any more prisoners, we seem to suck at it.

Episode 25: Last Words

• The Blues manage to shut off the beeping from Lopez' remote control, but in doing so paralyze the legs, rendering Church (who is possessing Lopez) stuck in one place.
  Tucker: This doesn't seem like that big a deal. You hardly used your legs anyway. I've never heard of a grown man asking for so many piggy-back rides.
  Church: Hey, I already told you. That was for science.
• It gets funnier when Grif, Simmons, and Doc come up to the Blue base, and Caboose (the only one to see this) notices this and tries to warn Church.
  Caboose: Uhhhh... Church? I think that you should know that the Reds are-
  Church: Dammit, Caboose! In the short time I've known you, you've managed to call my girlfriend a slut, blow me up with a tank, shoot me in the head, and now paralyze me from the waist down! So I hope it's not too much for me to ask, just for once, if you'd shut yer freakin' mouth!
  Simmons: Hey, Blues, we're here to- (sees Tucker kneeling in front of Church) What the hell are you guys doing!?

Episode 26: Nobody Likes You

• When the Reds come to return Doc, Church is unable to turn around and face them. After they leave Doc behind and the Blues refuse to take him in;
  Doc: I know more than just medicine! I'm trained in psychology too! Maybe I could help you with your problem facing people!
  Church: Just... get outta here!

Episode 27: Nine Tenths of the Law

• When Grif and Simmons report on how the return of Doc went;
  Simmons: Anyway, they didn't want the prisoner back, sir.
  Sarge: Why, those cunning Blue devils! Does their treachery know no bounds?
  Grif: It wasn't a total loss, sir. I was able to steal his wallet.
  Sarge: Grif, I may just make a respectable soldier out of you yet.
  Grif: Really, sir?
  Sarge: Hell, no! Now leave the money on my nightstand and get back to work!

Episode 28: In Stereo Where Available

• Lopez' To-Do List;
  Primary objectives:
  1. Fix everything
  2. Hate the orange one
  3. Call mom more often

Episode 28.5: The Last Episode Ever

• EVERYTHING:
  Grif: But how'd you get out of there?! I tied you up and poured concrete over the grave! Just in case you turned into a zombie!
  Sarge: Yes, but you made one crucial mistake: you left me my spoon.
  Grif: ...NO!
  Sarge: That's right! I ate my way out! The soft earth was like a delicious butterscotch brownie to me!

Episode 29: Radar Love

• Whenever Caboose goes into "O'Malley mode", particularly when he tells Tucker, "Don't cockblock me."

Episode 30: I Dream of Meanie

• Sarge's idea to replace Lopez; Turn someone into a cyborg!
  Sarge: I'm told the cyborg operation is a relatively simple procedure, really. Where the mostly useless guts and slimy goo of the human body are replaced with the no doubt superior guts and oily goo of a robot. If you're lucky, you may even get a copper rectum.
  Simmons: Sir, wouldn't it be better if we didn't do that instead of doing it?
  Sarge: Good thinking, Simmons. But no, I like the removing the guts thing, so I think we stick with that.

Episode 31: Room for Rent

• We open with the Blues conferring;
  Tucker: Well, Tex, that was a great story. I especially liked the part about Church getting pantsed in high school.
  Church: I found that part to be entirely out of context.

Episode 32: Me, Myself and You

• We see how Caboose views everyone in Blood Gulch, and it's hilarious.
  • Mental Church is a Sir Swears Alot that has some funny lines.
  • Mental Grif is Yellow (not orange).
  • Mental Donut is a female.
    Mental Donut: My favorite thing is pretty dresses.
  • Mental Sarge has a pirate accent, which Church points out isn't even close to a Southern Accent.
    Mental Sarge: Argh, I be having a southern accent, your luck.
• Tucker trying to drive Sheila, in a now Deleted Scene:
  Tucker: Oh my God, I can't believe Caboose is smart enough to drive this thing, and I'm not! Sheila, how the fuck do I slow you down?
  Sheila: Retard the throttle.
  Tucker: What throttle? This throttle?
  Sheila: Retard the controller.
  Tucker: You mean this thing? What're you talking about, I'm so confused!
  Sheila: The controller, retard!
  Tucker: Hey, that's kinda insulting.
  Sheila: Retard. Retard. Retard. Retard.
  Tucker: Now you're just being mean!
  Sheila: Retard.

Episode 33: An Audience of Dumb

• Tucker's plan to have the Reds shut off their radios? Have Lopez serenade Sheila in his Hispanic monotone.
  Sarge: What in Betty's bloomers is on the radio now!? It sounds like the feral cry of a retarded Mexican Sasquatch!
  Simmons: Turn it off! Turn it off! Please, God, make it stop!
  Donut: Oh, man, this rules. RULES!

Episode 34: Aftermath, Before Biology

• Doc starts to act aggressive following a conversation with Vic.
  Doc: (In a raspy voice) If I ever meet him, I'm taking his eyyyesss as souveniiiiiirs. (Normal) Whoa, that was unlike me. I must be stressed out. Time for yoga!

Episode 35: What's Mine Is Yours

• Simmons is apparently overworked;
  Sarge: Grif! Simmons 2.0! I just got off the horn with Command. I'm afraid we have a situation.
  Simmons: Aw, don't tell me they cancelled the holiday party again! Those cheap bastards. All I want is one night of care-free dancing. But no! I ask you, when is it going to be Simmons' turn? When!?
  (Very awkward pause as Sarge and Grif exchange glances)

Episode 36: Blunderball

• This absolute gem from O'Malley:
  O'Malley: They will all taste oblivion! Which tastes just like Red Bull! Which is disgusting.

Episode 37: Dealer Incentive

• The Blues have captured Donut!
  Church: How's it going, Tucker? We get any useful information outta the prisoner yet?
  Tucker: I figured he was here to steal back Lopez, but he won't give us anything... except a list of crockpot recipes. Would that be useful?
  Church: Do we have a crockpot?
  Tucker: No, Caboose made a trade with that annoying guy from Command. He swapped it for a mystery box.
  Church: What was in the mystery box?
  Tucker: 140 jars of mayonnaise.
  Church: ...Well, that's a good trade...
  Tucker: Yeah, doubles as a great sunscreen.
  Church: How did you— Never mind. Listen, I think I came up with a plan for how we can use Lopez and our new prisoner to get an upper hand on the Reds. (Beat, as Tucker looks on) The plan does not involve mayonnaise.
  Tucker: Damn it, I knew there would be a catch.

Episode 38: K.I.T.B.F.F.

• "Operation: Circle of Confusion":
  Church: All right, get ready to launch Operation Circle of Confusion.
  Tucker: Uh, Church? It kinda looks more like a triangle from down here.
  Church: What?
  Tucker: I'm just saying, it doesn't look much like a circle. It looks more like we're forming a triangle. Just a side note.
  Church: OK, fine. Triangle of Confusion! Rhombus of Terror! Parabola of Mystery! Who cares? Get the goddamn show on the road!
• Apparently, when Sarge turned Simmons into a cyborg, he used parts of Red Base's fax machine.
  Simmons: (Shakes about making fax machine sounds) Whoa! Hmm, excuse me. Man, it must have been something I ate.
  Grif: Hey, Simmons? Why is there paper coming out of your ass?

Season 3

It Makes Sense in Context. Or rather, It Makes Just As Much Sense In Context

Episode 39: The Best Laid Plans

• The Red vs. Blue Battle, particularly this:
  Red Soldier: (is shot) Ah, you fucking camping bitch!
  Blue Soldier: (running away) It's a legitimate strategy!
  • So funny they turned it into a shirt.
• This bit as well:
  Red Soldier 1: Everyone! Everyone! Look unto me! I possess the Blue Flag!
  Red Soldier 2: It's more beautiful than I ever imagined!
  Red Soldier 1: I have seen the top of the mountain, and you will worship me as though I were a God! (gets ambushed by Blue Soldiers) I regret nothing! I lived as few men dared to dream!

Episode 40: Visiting Old Friends

• Sarge is unimpressed with Caboose's attempts to get mad:
  Sarge: I never thought I'd reach the moment in my life when I actually missed Grif...but here it is.
• "My name is Michael J. Caboose. And I. Hate. Babies!" As well as his follow-up, "Your toast is burnt. And no amount of scraping will remove the black part."

Episode 41: Let's Get Together

• As Tex lays out how she knows Wyoming:
  Tex: Every freelancer was paired with an AI and a codename for a state.
  Donut: What was your codename, Tex?
  Tex: Nevada.
• Sarge, Simmons, and Caboose are trying to make contact with someone outside of the teleporter nexus;
  Voice: Man, I hate this. This sucks!
  Caboose: That's Church!
  Voice: I just want to lay around and do nothing!
  Sarge: I think it's Grif!
  Voice: ...Right after I take this nice, warm, bubblebath.
  Simmons & Sarge: Donut.

Episode 42: You're the Bomb, Yo

• Church and Grif in prison.
  Grif: (singing badly) Nobody knows, the trouble I've seen / Nobody knows but Jesus.
  Church: Will you shut up?
  Grif: You just can't face the fact that I've adjusted to life on the inside! I'm hard now!
  Church: Please, give me a break.
  Grif: As the prison bitch, I would not expect you to understand.

Episode 43: Make Your Time

• What's Simmons' plan for fighting O'Malley? Teleport the Battle Creek teams to Sidewinder and sic them on O'Malley! The villain is quickly overwhelmed and tea bagged'.
  O'Malley: I'm being violated!

Episode 44: We Must Rebuild

• Grif's rambling monologue how he thinks the world ended, as the Teams are lost in a desert wasteland;
  Grif: It was definitely nuclear weapons, that's what did it. And the explosions caused massive power outages which caused the failsafe to fail, which released a super bacteria from a secret lab. [...] That caused a huge plague, and as the victims died, they rose from the dead twelve hours later to roam the Earth and feast on human flesh. [...] A handful of gritty survivors from all walks of life were able to keep the legions of the infected radioactive undead at bay, using only their wits, and an inexplicable comprehension of agricultural science and engineering. Everything was looking good... and that's when the meteor hit.
  Simmons: I think you just quoted every crappy Hollywood apocalypse movie ever.

Episode 45: New Toys

• Tucker tries explaining that "Red vs Blue" is a farce, but no one's listening.
  Simmons: You sound like a conspiracy nut when you talk about that stuff. "The government put a chip in my brain."
  Grif: "The President can hear my thoughts."
  Donut: "We never landed on the sun."
  Grif: (sharp inhale) "They put fluoride in my water!"
  Simmons: Actually, that one's true.
  Grif: It is? No wonder I listen to so much pop music.

Episode 46: We're Being Watched

• You know what's playing on the radio of the new jeep Sarge built? The Mexican polka!
  Sarge: Turn that crap off!
• Grif and Simmons debate how to use Tex's radio transmission to locate her.
  Grif: Maybe we could use the radio to triangulate her position.
  Simmons: How? We only have one radio. We would need a third point to triangulate.
  Grif: Okay, well let's just pick a point between her and us.
  Simmons: What? That's not a triangle you idiot, that's a line!
  Grif: Right, a line that we'll follow straight to Tex! It's the perfect mathematical plan!
• Sarge starts to come up with a convoluted way to simulate a third radio for triangulation when they realize Tex is directly telling them her coordinates.
  Sarge: I could simulate a third radio by using some of this sand, and the heat from the jeep's tailpipe to make an enormous refractory lens. And then—
  Grif: Or we could just listen to the coordinates she's sending.
  Tex: My coordinates are two two niner delta, by one point three seven gamma.

Episode 47: It's a Biological Fact

• When they're trying to get Tex to help with Lopez.
  Tucker: Just hire her.
  Grif: What?
  Tucker: Hire her to help you get Lopez back. She'll do anything for money.
  Tex: That's not true.
  Tucker: It's not? I'll give you ten bucks to tear off Grif's arm.
  Tex: Which one's Grif?
• We find out that Caboose is the Dumb Muscle of the group, and that Sarge's advice on lifting is absolutely horrible, culminating in his claim that you shouldn't exhale on every lift - under stress, the body produces all the oxygen it needs!

Episode 48: Heavy Metal

• Tucker gets nostalgic.
  Tucker: You know what, I miss the old days, where we didn't risk our lives, and you guys were all just a bunch of nameless assholes I would yell at with Church.

Episode 49: Roaming Charges

• Caboose getting into an endless loop with the recording of Church.
• "Well, I heard screaming in Spanish, and bullets flying through the air, so either that was Lopez, or this is Mexican New Year. "

Episode 50: Silver Linings

• To summarize, Church ends up in the past, and tries to Set Right What Once Went Wrong; And fails miserably. He ends up being the reason everything went wrong in Blood Gulch; He deliberately kicked sand into Lopez's switch (Still under construction at that point) which would later cause it to get stuck and lock up the legs. In trying to keep Blue Captain Flowers from dying, Church fed his captain asprin- which Flowers was allergic to, and thus suffered a heart attack. He even directed Donut (Whom he didn't recognize due to having regular armor at the time) to Blue Base. And finally, in trying to keep Sheila and Caboose from killing his past, Future-Church has Sheila deactivate her Friendly Fire Protocol...allowing her to target allies. Oops.
  Sheila: Friendly Fire Protocol disabled. Friendly forces may now be targeted by auto-lock.
  Future-Church: Yes! Wait! No! That doesn't sound right! I want the other thing!
  • "Oh, no! I'm the team-killing fucktard!" "You shot Church, you team-killing fucktard!"

Episode 51: Episode 50 Part 2

• Church is not very good at lying:
  Church: I, uh, I need help on a very top secret project, uh, that's very secret. [Beat] And very top.
• In a last-ditch ploy to stop the bomb, Church decides to kill O'Malley. Taking a rocket launcher just lying around ("God, I can't believe the Reds have all this hardware lying around and they're not even using it."), Church takes aim, fires...and hits Tucker.
  Church: What the Hell!? The targeting system on this thing doesn't work at all! Oh, so maybe that's why the Reds don't use it. That makes sense now.

Episode 52: Have We Met?

• Church's time travels so often that Sidewinder becomes full of Church clones.
  Church: Who are you guys?!
  Church #2: We're you, dumbass! We keep screwing up and getting blown back to the computer terminal. Then we teleport here to try again.
  Church #3: I know that, man! You told me that last time!
  Church #2: I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to the new you!
  Church #3: Oh, right. I'm still getting used to this.
  Church #4: Dumbass!
  Church #3: Hey, shut up.

  Church: What did you do?
  Yellow Church: Dude, don't ask. Trust me it, it didn't work.

Episode 53: Let's Come to Order

• Tex staring at Tucker's sword throughout the episode. Her head even follows it as it moves around.
  Church: She's been staring at you non-stop since you found that thing.
  Tex: [long pause while she keeps staring] That's not true.
  Church: You haven't taken your eyes off it.
  Tex: Yes, I have.
  Church: Then why haven't you looked at me the entire time I've been talking?
  Tex: I'm looking at you right now.
  Church: No, you're not!
  Tex: I've already seen you. Not too impressed.

Episode 54: Hello My Name Is Andrew

• What are the Reds up to with their Warthog?
  Caboose: They are probably trying to tune in to the distress signal they heard on the radio.
  Church: What makes you say that?
  Caboose: Oh, I know all the details. They were in their car — THE BOSS HOG — when Simmons heard a distress signal on the radio! And Gruff was in the backseat. With a monkey.
  Tucker: Hmm, I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume that some of that is wrong.
  Church: How do you know all this, Caboose?
  Caboose: Andy told me.
  Church: Andy? Who's Andy? (turns to Tucker) Are you... are you Andy?
  Tucker: I'm not Andy, I'm Tucker.
  Church: No— I know! What's your first name?
  Tucker: Lavernius.
  Church: Lavernius? Well then, who's this Andy c— Wait a minute. (to Tucker) ...Are you black?
  Tucker: Me?
  Church: Yeah.
  Tucker: Does it matter?
  Church: No. ...I'm just curious.
  Tucker: Well, if it doesn't matter, then why are you curious?
  Church: I don't know! I guess... that's just something I should have picked up on after all this time.
  Tucker: You know what else you should have picked up on? My fucking first name!

Episode 55: Defusing the Situation

• Grif is sent to distract the Blues, and finds them gathered around Andy and trying to calm him down.
  Caboose: You are in a cool river, where no one disturbs you, or calls you names. Like "Bomby." Or, "The Exploding Jerk." There are sheep nearby, the kind that don't blow up, you are happy. But not overly happy... Regular happy.
  Tex: Breathe in through your nose (takes a breath, and exhales through her mouth) and out through the mouth. Again, in through the nose (takes a breath), and out through the mouth.
  Church: Uh, maybe I'll get some candles, would you like some candles, or some incense? How 'bout that?
  [Grif quietly backs out. Cut to the Reds, where Sarge is outlying his plan to abandon Grif]
  Sarge: ...And when we get there, we'll radio Command and say we need a replacement, because we have absolutely no idea what happend to- oh, Grif!
  Simmons: What're you doing back so soon? That was the shortest distraction of all time.
  Sarge: What's wrong? What were the Blues doing?
  Grif: You know? I can honestly say I have no idea what I just saw. Can I quit the army now? Seriously, I think I've seen everything I need to see at this point.

• The buildup to calming him down is also pretty hysterical, especially this bit.
  Caboose: Come on, Andy. Think of a happy place. Now, what makes you happy?
  Andy: Being in the middle of a huge explosion!
  Church: Less happy place, Caboose! Less happy place!
  Caboose: Ahh, uhh, think calming thoughts, uhh, let's count backwards from ten. Ten. Nine. Eight-
  Church and Tex: NO!
  Tucker: DUCK!

Episode 56: Calm Before the Storm

• While Tex is talking about the things she does when she's mad (long story), Tucker and Caboose add this little gem:
  Tucker: Also, mention that you like to punch people when they sleep.
  Caboose: (devastated) That was you?! (about to cry) I thought the tooth fairy was mad at me.
• O'Malley, with his robot army complete, launches war on the Reds and Blues! Except, because Lopez was asked for an army that will bring a day of victory, he made the robots incapable of going more than a one mile per hour. Apparently, this will allow O'Malley to win in 24 hours.
  "Chaaaaarge..."

Episode 57: The Storm

• Just where does the distress signal the Reds picked up lead them? To Blood Gulch! And that's how the season ends.
  Grif: Nooooooo...!
  Tucker: Ah, fuckberries.

Season 4

"Why does the cake smell like baby oil? OH GOD, WHERE'S DONUT?!

Episode 58: Familiar Surroundings

• Carrying on from the end of the 3rd season, Grif keeps screaming one Big "NO!" after another
  Simmons: Hey, Grif! Shut the fuck up! Get down here and help us check out the base!
  Grif: No! No! Nooooooo!
  Simmons: (To Sarge) I don't think he's even listening to us.
  Grif: Nooooo— Actually, that time I was answering your question— noooo!
  Sarge: Go up there and get him, Simmons.
  Donut: If he keeps screaming like that, he's gonna pass out and fall off the cliff!
  Sarge: Cancel that order, Simmons! (Beat, as Grif continues to wail) Donut, give me a sniper rifle.
  Donut: Yes, sir.

Episode 59: Hunting Time

• Sarge is reluctant to just enter the Red Base, as he's worried what could have occupied it while Red Team was away fighting O'Malley.
  Donut: Oh my God. What if we're in there?
  Grif: Yeah- no, wait. Aren't we out here?
  Donut: I mean past versions of ourselves! We could go in there and meet ourselves! Oh, man! We'd be best friends, we'd have so much in common! Finally, someone who shares the pain!

Episode 60: Fight or Fright

• After a failed attempt to hunt down the alien ended in a hasty retreat.
  Church: You know, we could've taken that alien out if I'd hit him just a few more times.
  Tucker: A few more times? How about one time?
  Church: Well I think I landed at least two or three shots.
  Tucker: Yeah right.
  Tex: You didn't hit anything but the wall.
  Church: How the hell would you know? You were running straight backwards.
  Tex: This is a long-range weapon, okay? I need distance to use it effectively.
  Tucker: Where were you planning on shooting him from, the fucking moon? If you'd backed up any further, you'd have had to mail him the bullets.

Episode 61: Fair Competition

• We find that Caboose has made friends with the alien.
  Church: Are you sure about this thing?
  Caboose: Absolutely. [The alien] has not tried to bite me at all.
  Alien: Blonk.
  Caboose: —since he bit me the first time.
  Andy: Heheh yeah, that was hilarious.
  Caboose: I think I might need a tetanus shot.

Episode 62: Lost in Triangulation

• During the contest to take Simmons' place as Sarge's number 2, a dead skull beat Donut in the Q/A section.
  Donut: That doesn't seem physically possible!
• Back with the Blues, Caboose wants to name the alien Fluffy much to Tucker's confusion.
  Caboose: Fluffy! The alien that only loves!

• Church then tries to get the name of the Alien, and has less than spectacular results.
  Church: What is your name?
  Alien: Honk honk!
  Church: Your name?
  Alien: Honk honk.
  Church: Naaaame?
  Tucker: Just keep repeating it, Church. I'm sure he'll come up with the right definition on his own.
  Church: He is Tucker. Tucker. You are?
  Alien: Honk honk.
  Church: No, no no not Honk Honk. Name?
  Alien: Honk honk!
  Church: Okay, I give up. All this guy says is Honk Honk.
  Tex: Well, have you ever considered the fact that his name is Honk Honk?
  Alien: Blargh?
  Tucker: You have any idea how stupid that sounds?
  Church: Yeah, I mean seriously, what kind of name is Honk Honk?
  Alien: Blargh.
  Church: Hey, alien? Is your name Honk Honk?
  Alien: Blargh.
  Church: Hey, wait a second, I think Blargh means Yes. Alien, does Blargh mean Yes?
  Alien: Blargh.
  Church: Holy Shit! He means yes! He just said yes, Blargh means Yes. I speak, Alien!
  Tex: Yeah, unless Blargh means No. In which case, he just said no. ''Blargh'' does not mean ''Yes.''
  Church: What?! No way! Hey, Alien, am I right?
  Alien: Blargh.
  Church: Haha, see, the fuck do you know.

Episode 63: The Hard Stop

• Tucker's idea to solve the language barrier is to teach the Alien English, because it turns out Caboose's gun doesn't have any bullets. It was loaded with crayons.
  Tucker: People learn English all the time. It aren't that hard.
  Church: Maybe you should try learning his language.
  Tucker: Fuck that! We got here first, and that makes this a colony. Those are the rules, dude. Earth colony, Earth language.
  Church: Tucker, there's thousands of languages spoken on Earth.
  Tucker: Yeah, but only one that kicks ass! And that's the one we're teaching! English 101: Remedial kick-ass.

Episode 64: Previous Commitments

• Donut tries relaying orders from Sarge to Grif, but Grif refuses even before hearing what the request is ("Donut, it's Sarge. I know he doesn't want me to come into the base to help him eat ice cream."). When Donut gets back to Sarge...
  Donut: I did my best, Sarge, but Grif said he wouldn't come help!
  Sarge: Sonuvabenandjerry! Who's gonna help me eat all this ice cream we found?

Episode 65: Looking For Group

• Tucker has been forced onto a quest by the alien (Now named Crunchbite), with Caboose and Andy along for the ride!
  Caboose: Okay, so, um, Tucker is a fighter, uh, Crunchbite is the healer, and I am the powerful... and intelligent, wizard. Morphumax.
  Andy: What the hell does that make me?
  Caboose: You're the good looking and stealthy archer.
  Andy: A bow and arrow- I don't have any arms, you freakin' moron!
  Caboose: That is what makes you so stealthy. This is going to be the best party ever.
  Tucker: I'm gonna fuckin' die.

Episode 66: Exploring Our Differences

• Tucker and Caboose go on a quest with the alien, but before they do, they find out Tex has been looking at the alien's genitals...
  Tucker: Let me put it this way - I felt less threatened when Tex was staring at just the sword.
  Tex: Huh, what? Oh! Uh, yeah, um... I was just admiring his... his alien muscle structure.
  Tucker: Yeah, one particular part of his muscle structure.
  Tex: Well, that's just a matter of penis— I mean uh, opinion! Opinion! That's... that's what I meant.
  Church: Smooth.
  Caboose: You told me that was another arm!
  Alien: BLURRRRRRGH!
  Andy: Hey, Caboose! High Five!
  Caboose: I don't want to do that anymore...

Episode 67: Setting a High Bar

• For the first challenge of the quest, our "Bold heroes" have to slay a vicious beast.
  Crunchbite: (quietly) Warg, warg arg. Warg, larg!
  Andy: He just wants a moment's peace before the plan fails and we all get killed.
  Crunchbite: WHRRRRRRRRRRRG!
  Andy: Oh, sorry... I wasn't supposed to translate that last part. Yuh, he says, yuh don't worry, everything will be fine. ...Stick to the plan.

Episode 68: Getting All Misty

• Donut making suggestions.
  Donut: If you don't like the plants idea, how do ya feel about a fountain in the armory? That place is so gloomy.
  Sarge: Come on, Donut, give it a rest already. I agreed to let you use Grif's helmet as a decorative bird bath, didn't I? Don't oversell.
  Donut: Okay, but I have just one more idea. I'm gonna say two words, and then walk away. Chantilly, lace.
  Sarge: Unless you're about to start singin' a Big Bopper song, I think the best part of that idea is the walkin' away.

Episode 69: Talk of the Town

• When the quest involves taking on a guarded base.
  Tex: Just watch me. (Cloaks herself)
  Andy: How can I watch ya, you just turned invisible.
  Tucker: And yet, I was still able to check out her ass. That's why I'm a pro.

Episode 70: Sneaking In

• Tex launches the loudest infiltration ever, yet none of the local Reds and Blues seem to realize she's there. They just keep talking about sports and stuff, even as guards being killed wail in pain.
  Tucker: What the fuck, are they deaf?! (A bullet zips by his head and hits the wall behind him) Oh, right, that you heard!?

Episode 71: You Keep Using That Word

• Andy tells Tucker to use the key to open the gate, but Tucker retorts he has no key. Turns out, the key happens to be his sword.
  Tucker: Oh God, the sword is a key? Just when I thought this couldn't get any lamer.
• The opened gate revealling a ship that Crunchbite rushes towards. A ship that Andy had no prior knowledge of, apparently:
  Andy: "The ship"?! What ship?! Nobody told me anything about a ship! Hey! Come back here, you stink nugget!
  (Crunchbite gets in the ship and flies off)
  Tex: Hey! What's that thing?! Where's he going?!
  Andy: I don't know! He just kept saying "there it is, there it is!"
  Tex: I thought you said there was no reward at the end of the quest!
  Andy: I didn't know!
  Tucker: If you're pissed about that, wait 'til you hear that this sword is really a key.
  Tex: A what?! Andy...
  Andy: Hey, don't blame me! I'm just the translator!
• The quest ends with Crunchbite getting killed by Wyoming. Tex ditches Tucker, Caboose, and Andy to chase the bounty hunter, leading to this;
  Tucker: Huh, that didn't go quite the way I expected. You think we should wait for her to come back? Or finish the quest on our own. Or just go home.
  (Cavalry trumpets sound off)
  Zealots: Charge!
  Tucker: Yeah, let's go home.

Episode 72: Getting Debriefed

• Simmons returns to Red Base, but gets stopped by Donut, who apparently doesn't recognize Simmons. When Sarge comes by and identifies Simmons...
  Donut: Ohhh, Simmons! Why didn't you tell me it was you?
  Simmons: Donut, I did tell you it was me!
  Donut: Well you didn't say it was you, you just kept saying "I'm me."
  Simmons: I am me!
  Donut: But you didn't say you were you. If you had said you were you instead of "I'm me," I would have known that you were you. You just kept saying you were me.
  Simmons: That's because I am me!
  Grif: And thus ends another meeting of the pronoun club. Same time next week everybody.

Episode 73: Under the Weather

• This episode has a pretty clever joke from Caboose, of all people, when discussing that perhaps the sword is what's making Tucker ill:
  Caboose: I don't see how, it hasn't sneezed once...
  Church: We don't know anything about it, though. Maybe it runs on radiation and it's poisoning him.
  Caboose: Or, maybe it runs on solar power!
  Church: Wait, no, why would solar power make him sick?
  Caboose: ...Is he a republican?

Episode 74: Right to Remain Silenced

• "Right to Remain Silenced": After Simmons returns to the Red Team, Sarge insists on having a trial to determine what his fate for insubordination and treason should be:
  Simmons: We don't even have a judge!
  Sarge: Inaffirmative. In my civilian life, I worked as a judge for many years.
  Grif: What level? Municipal? Federal?
  Sarge: Livestock. And occasionally agriculture. Now let's find out if Simmons is guilty of treason or best in breed!
• Later on:
  Grif: Look, it's only a matter of time before Donut finds out we're having this trial.
  Sarge: I'm listening.
  Grif: Well, if you're the judge and the DA, and I'm the defense, you know Donut's gonna wanna be the bailiff, and that means he's gonna wanna wear the cop uniform with the short shorts.
  Simmons: Ugh. Officer Hotpants.
  Grif: Exactly. And I think we can all remember that dance routine from Sarge's birthday party.
  Simmons: (scene switches to Halo 1 engine) Oh my God, that cake is huge! It's big enough to fit a person in it.
  Grif: Why does the cake smell like baby oil? OH GOD, WHERE'S DONUT?!
• And then O'Malley negotiating with the Blues.
  O'Malley: Huhuhuhuhuhuh oh yes you will. You will or your little friend Tucker will die, die a most horrible death. And you know his blood will be on your hands. Years from now, you'll drive yourself mad wondering if there was anything you could have done to save him, so you will agree to what I want. You will agree even though what I want is something mysterious, what I want is something frightening, what I want is something PUUUUUUUUUURE EEEEEEEEEEVIL, AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA! (Beat) I've also been told that a twenty dollar co-pay is pretty much standard.
  Church: Alright, fine.
  O'Malley: Ha haha, you fool. And we want the twenty dollars up-front.
  Church: Fine.
  O'Malley: And in cash.
  Church: Whatever.
  O'Malley: Ah, you moron. If you had used a credit card, you could have gotten airline miles. Or at least a 30-day grace period with no interest. You FISCALLY irresponsible fools.
  Church: Caboose, give me $20. Wait, give me $30.
• O'Malley is looking towards Blue Base.
  O'Malley: Hmm, It's quiet. Too quiet.
  (a bullet flies past O'Malley's head)
  O'Malley: Now suddenly it's too loud. I preffered it when it was quiet.

Episode 75: Things Are Looking Down

• O'Malley meets Andy. Things get awkward when Church explains that the bomb was built to kill the villain— whereupon Andy decides to fake an explosion to scare O'Malley.
  Andy: KABOOM!
  O'Malley: (steps back) Satan's bunions!
• In Season 3, Sarge mentioned that he kept the Red Team's plan to destroy the Blue Team in Lopez. When the Reds finally get Lopez (Still reduced to a head) back, the robot relays the plans- in Spanish! And it's not Lopez speaking. It's a recording of Vic speaking Spanish, with a little mustachio'd Vic-head next to the subtitles (Incidentally, the plans are, in essence, "Defeat the enemy and do better than usual").

Episode 76: Two for One

• When Andy is snatched by the Reds, part of Caboose's spiel is Hilarious in Hindsight if you imagine Michael Bay in Andy's place, especially since neither of them are dead.
  Caboose: You had so much to live for. So much exploding to do. Oh God! Who will blow stuff up now!? I don't want to live in a world without exploding!
• The general sequence of events leading up to the above:
  • The plan was to swap out Andy with something of similar size so he can translate Lopez's plan from the previous episode. So Sarge goes to swap out Andy...with Lopez.
  • When Caboose sees that Andy has somehow transformed into a robotic Spartan helmet, he decides that Andy had Become a Real Boy and begins spouting a long list of things they can do now that Andy isn't a bomb anymore. And this is especially hilarious since you can tell that Joel Heyman is increasingly losing his breath as he says his line.
  • "Caboose! You hear something behind you!"
    Caboose: I do? I wonder what's causing it!
  • All of which ends with Caboose losing his shit and begin crying melodramatically when he sees that Lopez/Andy has been replaced by Private Jimmy's skull.
    Caboose: Oh. MY. GOD!!! ANDY!!! You're dead!!! HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?!! You were so young! It's all my fault! I should have seen the warning signs! I didn't even know you were smoking! It worked so fast! You had so much to live for. So much exploding to do. Oh God!!! Who will blow stuff up now!? I don't want to live in a world without exploding! You hear that God, are you proud of yourself? Now that you've created a world without large explosions. Why couldn't you just take Tucker instead? He can't explode. At least I don't think he can. But even if he could it wouldn't be the same. Andy's exploding was special. My God. Why? Oh Andy!

Episode 77: The Arrival

• Simmons fakes not seeing the tank, presumably out of spite for nobody believing him the first time, and then it starts shooting at them.
  Simmons: Okay, you're right. It's coming this way.
  Donut: RUN!!!!!
• We then have Sarge trying to call for help, who then orders Simmons to negotiate a surrender. Giving us this exchange.
  Simmons: Okay, how about we give em our base?
  Donut: Oh, good idea. We could live in the caves!
  Simmons: We could let them kill, Grif!
  Sarge: Simmons, I told you to negotiate THEIR surrender, not OURS!
• Church's pregnant guy rant:
  Church: Okay, guys, I don't mean to be rude, but I've got a missing girlfriend, a guy who's pregnant, an idiot who thinks his pet just died, AND our worst enemy is hanging out unsupervised at our base right now. So I really, really, really don't have time for this horse-shit right now!
  (Beat)
  Grif: ...Uh, what was that part about the pregnant guy?
  Church: HE'S NOT PREGNANT! That's impossible.
  Andy: Yeah, unless the Alien impregnated him. That's what they do, they infect the host with a parasitic embryo. Hahaha! But you already knew that, right? Right?
  Church: What? NO! Why didn't you tell us that could happen?!
  Andy: Uhh, I mean uhh, alien baby? How could that have happened? I am just as shocked as you are...

• And then the season ends with a ship crash landing on top of Donut, suddenly and without warning. You would expect an Oh, crap reaction from the other reds right? Right?!?
  Simmons: Ship's here.
  Grif: Shotgun.

Season 5

"Honk?"

Episode 78: You Can't Park Here

• Church calls dibs on a spaceship:
  Grif: You can't call dibs on a spaceship. That's ridiculous.
  Church: Yes, I can. Dibs. See, I just did it again. Now, get the fuck away from my spaceship, tomato can.
  Simmons: Don't call me tomato can.
  Grif: Try and take it then.
  Church: Um, Ok. Sheila? (camera pans to Sheila the Scorpion)
  Sheila: You bet. (points cannon at red team.)
  Grif: Fuck! You forgot about that too, didn't you?
  Simmons: Yeah, kinda.
  Sheila: Now, step away from the ship, tomato can.
  Grif: Ha ha, tomato can.
  Sheila: You too, Lemon head.
  Grif: Hey, I'm orange, not yellow!

Episode 79: Got Your Back

• Sarge goes on a rant about the International system of Dibs and the No-Take-Back Policy. He then proceeds to call next after Church is forced to retreat when Sheila wanders off.

Episode 80: Baby Steps

• The epic battle between Church and a voicemail system.
  Grif: I bet the Blues don't have to put up with anything this annoying.
  Voice-Messaging System: To mark this message as "Urgent", press 11.
  Church: THERE IS NO ELEVEN, YOU FUCKING WHORE!
  Doc: Oooh, language!

Episode 81: Sibling Arrivalries

• The battle comes to an end.
  Voice Messaging System: To hear these options in Spanish, press dos.
  Church: I hate you!
  Voice messaging system: (beep)
  Church: Vic, it's Church, I need y-
  Voice-Messaging System: I'm sorry, but this person's voice mailbox is full.
  Church: (Makes a frustrated groan) I'm gonna kill myself. I'm gonna kill myself.

Episode 82: The Grif Reaper

• Tucker and Caboose keep mocking Church for being fat.
  Tucker: What are you all doing out here anyway? And what's that huge thing?
  Caboose: That's Church.
  Church: He means the ship, Caboose!
• Doc's interactions with Junior, including trying to teach him colors.
  Doc Once we learn the colors, we'll learn why you shouldn't judge people by them.
• Sarge finding out that Red command has declared him dead. And realising what him not being dead would imply.
  Grif: Well if command was wrong about you dying Sarge, couldn't they wrong about other stuff too? Like what if the Blues don't suck? What if the blues are awesome! This changes everything!
  Beat
  Simmons: We have gathered here today to pay our final respects to Sarge...
  Sarge: (sobbing) But i was so young!
  

Episode 83: In Memoriam

• Grif's roasting of Sarge at his own funeral:
  Grif: And I'm not asking, and he's not telling, but I heard when Donut first came to the base, Sarge spent a lot of time talking about glazed Donut holes, if you know what I mean! Hi-yo!
  Simmons: Too soon!
  Grif: Hey, now!
• The whole freaking funeral.
  Grif: (To Sarge) Is he campaigning for your position at your own funeral? Classy.

Episode 84: Strong Male Figure

• Everything Sister says veers into Crosses the Line Twice territory.
  Sister: Well, they say girls can't ejaculate either, but guess what!

Episode 85: Yellow Fever

• Sister got kicked of the cheerleading team twice for cheering for the wrong team.
• Church tells Tucker to act like everything is normal and not fucked. Tucker has been putting on that act for years.
• The Reds try to give Sister back to the Blues after she joined them by mistake.
  Church: Yeah, this is bullshit.
  Tucker: Ask for something else.
  Church: (to Grif) Uh, we want something else.
  Grif: What?! I'm releasing a hostage! You don't negotiate up from that!
  Tucker: Got any money?
  Grif: Fuck you, dude! (To Sister) Get going, call me if you have any problems, and don't go near any Reds from now on. I'll try to keep our team distracted so they can't attack you. Whatever you do, don't embarrass the family. Think of mom.
  Sister: Don't do me any favors, bitch. (Joins the Blues)
  Church: What else was on the ship?
  Grif: What do you mean?
  Church: Yeah like guns or weapons-
  Tucker: Or snacks! (to Church) Dude, I'm only asking because I know you wanted to.
  Grif: Nope, just the girl. Sorry, there weren't any more aliens for you to fuck.
  Tucker: That's okay, we can still fuck this one.
  Sister: Woohoo!
  Grif: God dammit! Never mind, just send her back.
  Church: No take backs!
  Grif: Aww, what the fuck?!
• Simmons panics upon realizing Sarge is gone.
  Simmons: Oh my God! Grif, he's gone!
  Grif: Who's gone?
  Simmons: Sarge, he's missing! I dug up his grave and he's not in there!
  Grif: What? Did you dig in the right spot?
  Simmons: Oh, you're right. Maybe he's buried in one of the other fresh graves we just made. I DIDN'T FUCKING THINK OF THAT!!!
  Grif: Oh, calm down.
  Simmons: Don't tell me to be calm! We're down two men now! Ah, at least we still have the Blue prisoner we can use as leverage. Hey, what're you doing out here in the middle of the canyon?
  Grif: Uhhh, nothing. So that uh, that Sarge thing's pretty crazy.
  Simmons: Hey, is that your sister over there with the Blues?
  (Grif starts backing away)
  Simmons: What's she doing over there? ...Why're they all high-fiving? Are they making a cheerleading pyramid? Whoa they're really tossing her high in the air. Grif? Grif, hey! Where'd he go?

Episode 86: Brass Tacks

• Blue team's only rule: "Don't kill the leader". They're still waiting for someone to follow it. Tucker has a different rule;
  Tucker: Be cool.
  Sister: I thought the only rule was "Don't kill the leader."
  Tucker: We break that rule all the time. That's what makes us so cool!
• Sister mistakes Junior for a dog. Upon being corrected, she says: "Oh, cool. You have a kid that looks like a dog?" Then, the later exchange with Caboose.
  Sister: Well, I already know the rule.
  Caboose: I hate that stupid rule!

Episode 87: The Nesting Theory

• Sister's comment on Tex after finding out she's a girl.
  Sister: Oh sorry, she's a badass. She's kind of hot.
• Sister is appointed Field Negotiator and is ordered to make Tex stop firing at them
  Sister: Hey Tex! Stop shooting, you stupid bitch!
  Tucker: Nice negotiating.
  Church: She's not firing, I think that actually worked. Maybe she's out of ammo. Let me check.
  (looks over the parapet and is immediately shot in the head. His body collapses while his ghost remains standing.)
  Church: Nope, she still has ammo.
  Tucker: Nice recon work.
• Simmons is worried about a potential attack from Blue Team, while Grif points out that Sarge is useless to them.
  Grif: Why? What do we need Sarge for anyway? All he ever does is yell at us a bunch and tell us we suck. We'll just split up his duties. You yell at me and I'll tell you "You suck."
  Simmons: SHUT UP AND GET IN THE HOLE, GRIF!!!
  Grif: You suck, Simmons! Oh, man. This new system is already working out great. We should have thought of this years ago.
  Simmons: Grif! Don't you understand that because we lost sister we're horribly outnumbered. We already lost Donut and Sarge. Now it's four on two. The Blues are probably gearing up for an enormous attack right now! At any moment they're gonna come over that hill, guns blazing yelling "CHAAAARGE!"
  (cut to an explosion during Tex's attack on the Blues)
  Church: RETREAT!

Episode 88: Spelunked

• Church is worried about Tex meeting Sister, but Tucker and Caboose have other ideas.
  Church: Oh man, this is not gonna work out well for us.
  Tucker: Dude, are you kidding? We finally have two girls on our team. You know what that means!
  Caboose: Yeah. Co-ed softball team! I'm gonna go get my baseball racket.

Episode 89: The Haystack

• While in the caves, Grif starts freaking out about bats.
  Simmons: Okay, idiot, let's assume I'm wrong. Let's assume there are bats. So what? You're wearing state of the art, biomechanical body-armour. It's designed to deflect bullets, and absorb explosions. What can a five ounce flying rodent possibly do?
  (Beat)
  Grif: ...So basically you're saying that you think there's bats!
  Simmons: (Resigned) Sure, why not.
  Grif: I'm getting the fuck outta here!

Episode 90: Terms and Provisions

• Doc meets Sister.
  Doc: Uh, hello, nice to meet you. I'm the medic. If it's alright with you, I need to give you a quick physical examination since you're new. Do you want to come to base where you might feel more comfortable taking off all your clothes?
  Sister: Sure, lead the way. Seeya, Tucker.
  (Doc and Sister walk off)
  Tucker: ...What the fuck just happened?

Episode 91: Missed Direction

• Doc giving Sister her examination. What makes this hilarious is that she's naked just off-screen, and is getting in increasingly sexy positions as Doc obliviously takes her stats... all while Tucker is just around the corner. He tries to get involved, but keeps getting rebuffed.
  Sister: Oh! I'm colorblind!
  Doc: Really? That's weird. But I don't think it'll cause any problems here.

Episode 92: Where Credit Is Due

• Donut going on a PSA spiel due to misunderstanding how Grif and Simmons were drugged (By tranquilizers)
  Donut: He's been chasing the dragon.
  Simmons: Donut, shut up, he was drugged just like me.
  Donut: That's what I'm saying! He fell off the wagon, and shook hands with the Devil!
  Simmons: Shut up!
  Donut: He's been ridin' the wave, and trippin' the technicolor dreamscape. Far out, man. Druggie loser.
  Simmons: Will you stop, Donut? All you're doing with your stupid anti-drug lingo is making me actually want to try drugs.
  Donut: Choose life, Simmons. Choose it.

• Later, when Sarge goes to such great lengths to deny Grif any sort of credit for figuring out what Andy and the monsters are up to. To the point that he has to decide between giving Grif credit or forgiving Simmons for trying to take over command.
  Sarge: Sounds like we've stumbled across something totally diabolical! Good work uncovering the plot, Simmons.
  Simmons: Thank you Sir.
  Grif: Simmons!? I just told you everything!
  Sarge: But Simmons was the one that led us to you after he stealthily avoided capture.
  Grif: Avoided capture!? They knocked him out first and picked me at random!
  Sarge: Yes. A randomness that Simmons used to save the day!
  Grif: He had nothing to do with that!
  Sarge: But it was Simmons that found the underground cave.
  Grif: By trying to bury you alive!
  Sarge: A tactic that was clearly multi-layered. Once again Simmons' treasonous insurrection proves to be the glue that holds this unit together.
  Simmons: Just wait 'til you hear about my upcoming assassination attempt.
  Sarge: Oh, don't spoil it.

Episode 93: Biting the Hand

• Church figuring out that Gamma has been lying to him throughout the entire series so far.
  Church: You're a computer. I thought computers can't lie.
  Gamma: They can if they are programmed to lie.
  Church: Were you programmed to lie?
  (Beat)
  Gamma: No.
  Church: Goddamn it.

Episode 94: Tucker Knows Best

• Tucker finally gets to hold the sniper rifle...and promptly shoots Tex in the ass. Then he hands it back to Church before Tex gets there to see who shot her, leading her to pummel Church instead.
• The Red Team discovers an underground facility that has equipment spying on both teams. Initially while Grif is doing recon, everyone sees Sister's armor (which she removed so that Doc could give her a medical examination) and is convinced she was killed and vaporized. Then the camera shifts to the room where Doc is doing his examination.
  Doc: All right. I know this might feel unusual, but for this next test I really need you to try to keep your legs together... No, together... Together!
• Grif is... less than happy with his sister's antics:
  Grif (yelling across the canyon): PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON! WHAT'S THE ONE THING I TOLD YOU?! DON'T EMBARRASS THE FAMILY!
• The exchange as Grif tries to get the rest of his team to stop staring at his sister.
  Grif: That's my sister and you're looking at her naked!
  Simmons: So? She's not our sister.
  Grif: Stop looking at her!
  Simmons: Why does Donut get to look?
  Donut: Hey! Why does the Blue base get so much more natural lighting than ours? It gives the interior a much more airy and open feeling.
  Grif: That's why Donut gets to look.
  Sarge: Oh, look she's putting her armor back on! Uh, I mean. "Oh Look. She is putting her armor back on. Good work, soldier."
  Grif: Don't patronize me!
• Later on the Reds realize they can't hear the Blue's talking to each other and we get some fourth wall jabbing... at themselves.
  Sarge: Simmons, what are they saying?
  Simmons: I have no idea. I can't find the volume on this monitor! And without any audio it just looks like a bunch of helmets bobbing up and down!
  Sarge Is that how they talk? They look ridiculous!

Episode 95: Loading...

• With the Reds down in the caves, the Blues take Red Base unhindered. It's when the thrill of victory...isn't.
  Tucker: Looks like the Reds pulled out. Does that mean we win?
  Church: I suppose so. Guess we have...two bases...in the middle of a box canyon.
  Tucker: Whoop-dee-fuckin' doo.

Episode 96: The Wrong Crowd

• Doc and Lopez catch up. "So that's how you got here, Lopez? What a strange, yet believable story!"

Episode 97: Uncommunicado

• Church, Tucker, and Tex are ambushed by Wyoming when they reach Red Base. Church resorts to trying to get backup in the form of Caboose without letting Wyoming know what he's up to.
  Caboose: (answers radio) Yes! Hello, evil Church. What can I do for ya?
  Church: So Wyoming, you just showed up here and decided to attack us.
  Caboose: Uh, my name is Caboooose...
  Church: And now you've caught us at gunpoint, and it looks like we're in big trouble.
  Caboose: Uh, that doesn't sound like something I would do. I think you have the wrong number.
  Church: Here at Red Base. Wyoming. You found us and are holding us prisoner. At the Red base. Wyoming.
  Caboose: Ah Red Base no, uh, I'm in the ship. The shiiiip. Sheila, I think O'Malley has driven him crazy, um, he's talking nonsense.
  Church: If only someone nearby, someone with access to a tank, somehow knew what was going on and could help us. Someone, for instance, in blue armor. Who somehow knew about the situation, and figured out what the fuck other people were talking about, and tried to fucking help us, and then we would be saved.
  Caboose: Yeah, he's definitely crazy. Hey, Sheila. Where's the tank part of you going?
  (cut back to Red Base)
  Wyoming: Why do you keep explaining things to me? I understand the situation perfectly. I ambushed you, you're quivering in fear.
  Tucker: Yeah, what are you, the narrator now or something?
  Church: (still on the radio with Caboose) I just want everyone to be on the same page about Wyoming, ambushing us, at the Red base.
  Tucker: We know.
  Church: Wyoming. The bad guy.
  Tucker: We know!
  Church: And we're here at the Red base. Which isn't the Blue base. Or the caves, or the cliffs, or that weird tree, or the windmill.
  Tucker: We get it dude, we're standing right here.
  Church: Maybe we should take this from the top. Do you wanna write this down?
  Tucker: No!
  Wyoming: I think your friend here has lost his marbles.
  Tucker: Oh you wanna see crazy? Wait until you try to take my fucking kid! What do you want from him anyway he never did anything to you!
  Wyoming: It's not what he did. It's what he's going to do. That child very special.
  Tucker: Yeah I know. I guess I should have read to him more or something.
  Wyoming: Not that kind of special, you half wit! I mean he's important!
  Church: Red Base. No one is in the State of Wyoming!
• Church's commentary at the end.
  Church: Why does something dramatic seem to happen every five minutes?

Episode 98: Same Old, Same Old

• The Reds' reaction to the events in each time loop;
  • First loop, after Tank!Gamma kills Caboose;
    Sarge: Whoa. Looks like the blue one just got killed by the tank.
    Simmons: A Blue got killed by their own tank? Man, I just had the weirdest sense of déjà vu.
    Grif: Heh-hey, speaking of getting tanked, we should see if the Blues have any beer around here.
    Sarge: Hey-o!
  • Second loop, where Caboose gets sniped by Wyoming;
    Sarge: Yowza! Looks like the blue one just got sniped!
    Grif: Hey, speaking of getting sniped, we should see if the Blues have any...beer around here?
    Simmons: What the fuck's that supposed to mean?
    Grif: I don't know. Sounded a lot funnier in my head before I said it.
    Simmons: Man, I just had the weirdest sense of déjà vu.
  • Third loop, where Wyoming gets killed by Tucker's sword;
    Sarge: Whoa. Looks like the white guy just got stabbed.
    Grif: Hey, speaking of getting stabbed... I think I have a headache all of a sudden. For some reason I want a beer.
    Simmons: Man I just had the weirdest sense of... meh, what's that thing called? When you, think you've done something, but you don't know if you did it?
    Grif: How the fuck should I know?

Episode 99: Repent, the End Is Near

• Caboose's distraction of Gamma leads to him deciding to try to intimidate the Reds.
  Caboose: Hey, Reds! Why don't you pick one someone your own size!
  The Reds: Beat (The Reds start following Caboose in the Warthog)
  Church: Um, is he gonna be okay?
  Caboose: I AM CABOOSE! THE VEHICLE DESTROYER! (The Reds follow Caboose, guns trained on him.)
  Tucker: Yeah, probably.

Episode 100: Why Were We Here?

• Any part of "Why Were We Here?" involving Omega Body Surfing between various members of the Blood Gulch crew and becoming some kind of comical exaggeration of his victim's various personality quirks.
  Infected Simmons: First, I'm going to kill you, and then my plan to be leader of the Reds will be complete! After that I'm going to kill every being in the universe. From now on, everyone will kiss my ass!
  (Re)Infected Caboose: I'd love to talk on the radio. What? What am I doing in this idiot?
  Infected Donut: That's the problem with living in a patriarchal society, men just automatically assume they know everything. Hahaha!
  Infected Sarge: Eat lead, world! Drop and give me infinity!
  Infected Grif: Whoa, that's weird. I have a sudden urge to conquer the Universe. Which is odd for me because, well that would take actual work. I think I'll just fall asleep instead. (Grif goes to sleep standing up inside his armor.)
• The fact that the Sister in Caboose's mind is literally the only construct that is totally aware of how completely inaccurate it is. Then the Brick Joke hits when it turns out that he's actually the one version of Church that ended up wearing the yellow armor during the time loop back in Season 3.
• When Church tells the Reds that Omega infected one of them, this is Sarge's response:
  Sarge: Infected? Initiate Emergency Plan Delta, men! -shoots Grif in the stomach with his shotgun-
  Grif: Ow! What the fuck!?
  Church: I didn't say who, I think it's actually Simmons.
  Donut: -while Sarge beats up Grif with his shotgun- That's okay, that's how all our emergency plans begin.
  • What Donut said turns out to be true, as seen when an infected Simmons mounts the Warthog's chain gun.
    Sarge: Donut! Initiate Emergency Plan Traitor Simmons Number Eleven!
    Donut: On it Sir! -fires his battle rifle into Grif's chest-
    Grif: Ow-how-how-how. -gagging sounds-
    Sarge: Donut! I said plan eleven!
    Donut: Where am I gonna get a steamroller?
  • And then right after Omega goes into Caboose, with Tex and Church following:
    Sarge: What in Sam Hell just happened here?
    Grif: I'll tell you what happened, my own fucking teammate-
    -Simmons walks up and shoots Grif in the side of the head-
    Grif: Ow!
    Sarge: Nice to have you back Simmons.
    Simmons: Thank you Sir, good to be back! Cocksucker.
• The "Insert Quarter" alternate ending to Episode 100, which reveals the entire series was a game of Halo 2:
  Grif: What the fuck was that?
  Simmons: That was the weirdest match I've ever played...
  Church: Dude, that sucked. I got team-killed in like the first ten seconds!
  Caboose: Sorry, that was my fault. Some guy kept screaming into the mic.
  Tucker: BOW CHICKA BOW WOW!
  Church: Dude, shut up!
  Caboose: See?
  Tucker: BOW CHICKA BOW WOW!
  Church: Alright, that's it, I'm muting him.
  Sarge: Alright, let's play another.
  Donut: Dude, I am not wearing that armor again.
  Sarge: Same teams?
  Church: Yeah, same teams, new map.
  All: NEW MAP!
• Fight! Fight! alternate ending had some good moments. For instance:
  Church: Caboose! Get in that tank and give us covering fire!
  Caboose: Okay! (gets into the tank)
  Church: And don't shoot me this time!
  Caboose: Okay! (does exactly that)
  Church: SON OF A BITCH!
  Caboose: ...wait. What was that first part again?
  • Also, Sarge is the first one killed. Then he gets back in the fight, to Tucker's surprise.
  Sarge: Aha! Got you, Blues!
  Tucker: Sarge? I thought you were dead!
  Sarge: I was dead! Doc revived me! (Doc jumps into the shot)
  Doc: That's right! And if anyone else needs medical attention, I'll be more than happy to hel- (is shot by Sarge) Son of a bitch!
  Sarge: Oh, I'm sorry. Doc will be unable to assist anyone else. (is shot by Sister) Ah, son of a bitch again. Medic!
• The "Alien Attack" ending; It starts like the "Fight! Fight!" Ending, but then a bunch of Elites (Colored like the Reds and Blues) invade, killing everyone. The sketch ends with Elites reenacting the first episode of the series. Only with "Blargs" and "Honks"