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"That...was the worst throw ever. Of all time."
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A classic misdirection

Chapter 1:

  • The Counselor sends Washington to find the Reds and Blues to get information on Omega. When Wash asks if he should "contact these experts", the Counselor tells him not to call them that. Not because the project is super secret or anything. The term "expert" is just too complimentary.

Chapter 2:

  • Sister is convinced that Washington is a cop, including the urban legend that cops have to admit that they are cops if directly asked. When Wash points out that isn't true, she decides that means:
    Sister: Well, if you're not a cop, then how do you know it's not a real law? Busted!
    Wash: ...You caught me. Hey, is there anybody... else... smart... here, that I can talk to.
    Sister: Yeah, right, like I'm gonna tell you. I don't rat people out, cop.
    Wash: Okay, I'm gonna leave now. Good luck with your empty base and raging insanity.
    Sister: Yeah, whatever! Good luck being a cop, CAWP!
    • Becomes something of a Running Gag with her coming over to Red Base to make sure that Sarge knows his rights.
  • Since Simmons, Grif, and Donut left, Sarge has been left alone to defend the base. He made cardboard cutouts of them to help with defenses, which includes the Grif cutout being riddled with bullet holes and bad imitations of Simmons and Donut.
    Wash: Going to try the red base now. I'm hoping things there will be a little more— (cardboard cutout of Donut pops up) ...normal.
  • The beatboxing deleted scene.

Chapter 3:

  • Caboose's new team quickly realized he was dangerously incompetent after all their vehicles got set on fire, so they've taken to keeping him tied up in the brig. One of them still ends up dead when they go to get him.
    Caboose: He let me out, and then somehow shot himself in the back somehow.
  • The soldier in question is a poor soul named Jones, whose teammates keep calling him Joe-a-nes.
  • Wash's dawning realization that Caboose is incomprehensibly stupid.
    Caboose: Command? Oh no, they never have good news. Did somebody die? Was it my mom, is she dead? Or my dad, did my dad die again? Oh no.
    Wash: What is this? I don't...
    Miller: Hehe, you see, he's yours now. Hehe, no take-backs!
    Caboose: Is it my brother? Was my brother killed? That's it, isn't it, my brother's dead!
    Wash: What... no, nothing like that.
    Caboose: Oh, good, because I don't even have a brother. H-how sad would it be to not have a brother and to lose a brother all in the same day.
    Wash: No one died!
    Blue soldier: Jo-annis is dead, sir!
    Wash: Okay, no one besides him.
  • Wash still needs Caboose, though, because he's the only one with the knowledge and experience to track down Omega.
    Washington: And I just realized how ridiculous that sounded once I said it out loud.

Chapter 4:

  • Church and Caboose's "reunion." Complete with the sniper rifle.
    Caboose: (while Church shoots at him... and misses) I have missed you so much! It has been so long! Did you miss me?!
    Church: Fuck, I missed him!
    Caboose: I knew you did!
  • Caboose's logic for his Mark V armor being better than Mark VI armor? Five is better than six in a top ten list.
  • A deleted scene involves the Meta using a recording of Sarge's voice to prank call Wash.
    Wash: Okay, I'm hanging up.
    "Sarge": What about the robot nuts?!
    Wash: Goodbye, Sarge.
    "Sarge": Robot nuts!
    Wash: Go fuck yourself, Sarge.

Chapter 5:

  • Church's "Man Cannon" ride.
    Caboose: Um, I am scared of the thing that I don't know what it is.
    Church: Oh, don't be a baby. How bad could it be—(gets launched)—EEEEEE!
    (Cut to Church grunting in pain as he comically skids across the ground, hydroplaning across a stream, and finally, landing against a Warthog behind two soldiers.)
    Church: Thatwasfuckingbullshit!
    Soldier 1: You say something?
    Soldier 2: ...What?
    Washington: I said "quietly!" What part of "quiet" don't you understand?
    Church: What part?! How about the part when I got thrown eighty feet in the fucking air by the GODDAMNED THROWING THING?!
  • The conversation that happens when Washington reveals his history with AIs.
    Caboose: We have a lot in common, Agent Washington.
    Washington: No, we don't.
    Washington: And don't ever say that again.
    • Made even more amusing in hindsight, after Seasons 9 and 10 reveal the younger Washington pretty much was the Freelancer equivalent of Caboose.

Chapter 6:

  • When Washington, Caboose and Church chase after South Dakota as they all fight off the Meta, Church's plan to get her.
    Church: Hey, see that purple one? She's on our team. You should help her.
    Caboose: Okay! (fires at South and hits her square in the back) Uhm... she got in the way when I was trying to help her.
    Church: Okay, we're good!
  • The now infamous grenade scene.
    Washington: That was the worst throw ever... of all time.
    Caboose: Not my fault. Someone put a wall in my way.
  • Delta and Wash agree that South would only hamper their progress, and they're both mad at her anyway, so they shoot her.
    Church: You guys are some cold motherfuckers.
    Caboose: I just want everyone to know I have no problems walking! And I take full responsibility for the grenade incident.

Chapter 7

  • In the beginning, we get this gem: (It Makes Sense in Context, but still.)
    Washington: I'm not crazy, okay. I'm completely, totally sane. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go blow up this dead body.
  • Which leads to a Funny Background Event of Washington disposing of the body. By shooting it several times with a rifle, throwing a grenade on it, burning it with a flamethrower, loading several explosives on it and detonating the explosives. He may have had some issues he was working out there.
  • It's revealed that central command has a keyboard shortcut for reporting Caboose's team kills.
    Caboose: Control+F+U.
  • Church complains in front of Delta how the AIs are always yapping and being annoying. To which Delta responds (in his typical superficially emotionless tone), "...I am going to ignore that..."

Chapter 8:

  • Church tries to shoot The Meta, only to miss, bounce off a dozen points (with him and Wash watching the bounces), before clipping Meta's ankle. At which time, Church celebrates the hit.
    Church: I got it, yes! Did you see that, what a shot! I'm awesome!
    Washington: It only counts if you call it!
    Church: Oh, bullshit, dude!

Chapter 9:

  • The entire execution scene from start to finish, from the fact that Grif decided it would be a good idea to sell all their ammo to the opposing team, to Simmons trying to delay the firing squad by claiming the handbook says they need to read off the charges first ("Do you want to die in the next two seconds, or do you want to die a nerd with me five minutes from now?"), to Simmons mysteriously forgetting what he was going to confess to Grif after Grif admits he once stole Simmons' identity and ran up a ton of credit card charges, to Sarge's reaction to the whole thing when he arrives just in time.
    Sarge: What in hell are you two doing?
    Simmons: We're being executed by our own men, sir!
    Sarge: Well, cut it out.
  • Simmons is trying to explain to Sarge that Grif is the sergeant. Sarge proves himself physically incapable of comprehending.

Chapter 10:

  • Church's antics with the helmet megaphone.
    Washington: (megaphone voice) Red Team. Attention, Red Team. Cease fire. Cease fire.
    Church: How do you do that megaphone thing with your voice?
    Wash: (regular voice) It's a voice amplifier. It's standard issue, all our suits have one.
    Wash: (megaphone voice) We are not your enemy. My name is Agent Washington. I am part of a special task force-
    Church: (megaphone voice) Testing, te- holy shit, it does work! This is badass.
    Wash: Stop that!
    Church: Ah! Don't use that thing right next to me. You're killing my ears, ya douche.
    Wash: I am a special agent. From Command!
    Church: And this is the voice of God. Give up your evil ways. Join the Blue Team— [Washington punches him] Ow! Hey, come on, seriously, you're gonna break it.
  • How Church and Washington ultimately conclude that the Red Team isn't working with the Meta:
    Church: Man. It got pretty quiet out there. You don't think they're really working with the Meta, do you?
    (Grif runs by, being chased by a tumbling jeep thrown by the Meta.)
    Grif: Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God, ooooh Goooood!

Chapter 11:

  • The trip to Caboose's mind, including getting to hear "Agent Washingtub" yell "FREELANCER POWER, ACTIVATE!" and Caboose's nonchalant "I just work here."
    Washingtub: That's valuable information. I will take that information, and I will keep it in a special folder marked "SECRET". Everyone knows that is the best security there is.
    Church: I see.
    Washingtub: Don't tell anyone I told you that.
    Church: Actually, you act a lot like you do on the outside.
    Washingtub: I would like to think that's because I present myself in a very clear and consistent manner. Now, if you will excuse me, I need to scare some people who are just trying to help me, and then go fight monsters and robots from the future. FREELANCER POWER, ACTIVATE!

Chapter 12:

  • Church talks about the message Delta left in Caboose's mind.
    Church: I guess he figured out I would get in there and find it.
    Washington: How would he know that? Did he know what you are?
    Church: Well, I didn't tell him. But he seemed pretty smart. Maybe he just put two and two together.
    Caboose: Four!
    Church: That wasn't a test.
    Caboose: Yes it was, I won, A+.

Chapter 13:

  • When Church leaves his physical body to see Tex's.
    Caboose: Um, don't leave me here with your body. (Whispering) It stares at me. And I don't like it.
    Church: You'll be fine. (Leaves)
    (Long pause. There's a humming sound as Caboose looks pointedly away from Church's body.)
    Caboose: Stop it!

Chapter 14:

  • Caboose tries to hide the fact that Church has left his robot body by claiming they're playing a game of "Who Can Hold Still The Longest". Then the body falls over.

Chapter 15:

  • Wash has Church posing as a prisoner. Wash quickly kills one guard, while Church empties an entire clip at a guy from about 2 feet away and misses every shot.
    Church: Um, hey, can I get a little help? I'm out of bullets.

Chapter 16:

  • Being alone with Command's computers give Sarge an idea. But he's not too good at getting it across.
    Sarge: If this is Command, and these computers have some of those internets installed on 'em-
    Simmons: There's just one internet, Sir, and I don't think it's located inside this building.
    Sarge: They probably have all the information about everything, right? Like in a, spreadabase or, one of them ROM things? Datasheet?
    Simmons: I'm sorry, was that something I was supposed to understand? Was that even English?
    Sarge: Come on, man, you know, like all the mainframes, on the Reds and the Blues. Series of Tubes and whatnot.
    Simmons: Ookayy, you're using a lot of terms that don't really make sense.

Chapter 17:

  • Simmons has finally gained access to the Blues on the Database, but is starting to have second thoughts.
    Simmons: But did you ever stop to think, what does it mean to be red if there is no blue? If they never existed what's the purpose of even having a red army if there's no one for us to fight? Do you understand what I mean? It's like, flip sides of the same-
    (Sarge steps forward and pushes the button. The words "BLUES DELETED" appear on the screen)
    Simmons: ...coin.
    Sarge: What it means is what it's always meant. We rule, they suck. Don't overanalyze it, you pussy.

Chapter 18:

  • Caboose wants to test out if Church is an AI by giving him a math problem. "What's nine times eight?". When everyone knows it, he freaks out that 'it's spreading'.
  • Simmons 'deletes the blues' from the database. Unfortunately this means he can't pull up Church's records when they're needed.
    Church: Alright, great, that's fantastic, now I can't prove him wrong, and I don't get a paycheck. Fucking great, thanks guys.
  • Grif decides to try and find ways to see if Church is a computer.
    Grif: How 'bout this: show me some porn.
    Church: What?
    Simmons: What?
    Sarge: What?
    Grif: That's what all my computers do. Oh, oh, uh, uh, steal some music for me. Oh or uh uh, talk about politics and bore the shit out of me.
    Caboose: Do you have any pictures of cats in serious situations?
  • Wash outlines his plan to destroy the Meta's AI using Command's Electro Magnetic Pulse, but gets sidetracked by the proper pronunciation of the acronym; While Wash prefers to say the letters, the Reds and Blues insist on saying the word those letters spell, Emp. "Being wrong is not a democracy!"

Chapter 19:

  • When Washington turns on Command's failsafe to destroy the Meta.
    Base AI: Activating emp.
    Washington: Emp?! You have got to be fucking ki-

"Oh God, why does it keep chasing me?!"

The Trailer:

  • Grif ragging on Simmons about needing to double check the Reds' four-man advantage.
    Grif: What part do you need to double check? Is it the part where you counted their guys or the part where you counted our guys, 'cause they both sound really tough!
    Simmons: Shut up, Grif, no one's talking to you.
    Grif: Or maybe it was the part where you subtracted 1 from 5. Math can be hard. Hey, Lopez!
    Lopez: Si?
    Grif: Fire up your calculator unit, we got a doozy!
  • Caboose's mishaps with fire.
    Caboose: Oh God, now I’m burning. That’s much worse then other things burning! [runs around] Oh god, why does it keep chasing me?

Chapter 1: Don't Get Me Started

  • The "Order" of war according to Sarge is have the Blue Team (consisting of just Caboose) see their error of their ways, lay down their arms, and meet at the table of peace. And then poison his food, stab him in the eye with a fork, and taking his stuff.
  • Sarge's "memory" on how the deletion of the Blue Team's files from last season went:
    Sarge: Simmons, execute the hypotenuse initiative, and delete the Blues.
    Simmons: (presses a switch) Done! The Blues now never existed. I also upgraded your pay scale while I was at it.
    Sarge: Well deserved.
    Grif: Yeah, we win! (Sarge cocks his shotgun and shoots Grif in the head) Blarg! I am dead, but that’s okay, I don’t deserve to enjoy victory. My life has meant nothing.
    Sarge: What a great day! Simmons, transform into Motorcycle Mode.
    Simmons: You got it, sir. (begins changing into a motorcycle) Choop choop choop choop choop! Beep beep!
    Sarge: Let’s get out of here. (hops on motorcycle-Simmons and drives outside) Yee-haw!
    (Back to reality)
    Grif: That's not what happened!
    Sarge: Of course it is!
    Grif: Then how am I still alive?
    Sarge: I ask myself that question every day. (Beat) Moto-Simmons! Run him over.

Chapter 2: Free Refills

  • Implausible Deniability at its finest:
    Sarge: Men, as you know, the Blues have been erased from Command records, for some unknown reason.
    Simmons: ...Unknown, sir? We're the ones that did it.
    Sarge: You can't prove that.
  • Sarge's genius plan:
    Grif: So, your plan is to hold off our attack until our superior officers take notice of one of the teams in this canyon? And notice them well enough to actually go out of their way and add them back into the database? Or do anything at all in any way to formally recognize us in an official capacity?
    Sarge: You got it.
    Grif: This is probably the single greatest plan I’ve ever heard in my entire life.

Chapter 3: Visiting Hours

  • Grif and Sarge think Cabose has captured Donut.
    Grif: Psst, hey Sarge. Maybe there's a ransom.
    Sarge: Good thinking. What do you want, Blue?
    Caboose: What do I want? Do you have any cookies?
    Sarge: What are your demands? You have to give us your demands.
  • Caboose finally gets "angry":
    Caboose: Well, at least I don't go around, knocking on people's non-doors, and promising them cookies. And then. Not. Giving. Them. Cookies! (leaves, comes back) I'm! Leaving! (leaves again)

Chapter 4: Catching Up

  • Donut's session with the Counselor. Watching the Counselor try to deal with Donut's Insane Troll Logic is a thing to behold.
    Counselor: I... don't have a checkbox for that. So I'm just going to write down "other".
    Donut: Yeah, "other" works. I like other!
    Counselor: Well, I suppose there's no reason to ask the rest of our questions. Thank you for a very... enlightening interview.

Chapter 5: Local Host

  • Lopez's sarcasm is as solid as ever:
    Simmons: Here, just let me do it, give me your wrench.
    Lopez: Esta es un martillo, idiota. (This is a hammer, you fucking idiot.)

Chapter 6: One New Message

  • Epsilon-Delta explaining how he's taking A Form You Are Comfortable With to Caboose. Caboose naturally gets sidetracked.
    Caboose: can appear as anyone?
    Epsilon-Delta: Theoretically, yes- anyone in our memory banks.
    Caboose: What about a chair?
    Epsilon-Delta: If you felt that was fitting. The holographic technology in this room allows us to project ourselves in any manner. It is surprisingly advanced.
    Caboose: How about a giraffe?
    Epsilon-Delta: Look, let's just say we can look like many different things and just leave it at that, okay?

Chapter 7: Bon Voyage

  • When the second team (Sarge, Caboose and Grif) is dispatched to Tucker's location, they start the Warthog... and then they drive into the lake. Then you hear Caboose ask "Are we there yet?" with the expected responses. After Lopez's What and Simmons not giving a fuck, we hear the Warthog song before we see it... with the appropriate sub-marine sound distortion, before they appear at the next beach.
    Lopez: ¿Acaban de conducir en el agua? (Did they just drive into the water?)

Chapter 8: Directions

  • While stuck in the middle of a minefield, Grif takes advantage to tell Sarge exactly what he thinks of him. When Sarge shoots at him with the shotgun, Grif doesn't even flinch.
    Grif: I imagine it can be pretty hard to be an ineffective leader with no respect— (shotgun blast) —who doesn't understand that his primary weapon has a much shorter effective range than most weapons, but I think since we're gonna die anyway, you deserve to know that.
  • And then, when CT announces they'll get them out, Grif realizes Sarge will now kill or seriously maim him and asks him to forget that with a slight whimper.
  • In general, the scenes in the minefield are hilarious. Ranging from "what's a step?" to both Sarge and Caboose not knowing their left and right. In the end, Grif gives up and just decides to "fuck it" and hope for the best and then drives off.

Chapter 9: My House From Here

  • Sarge's eulogy for Caboose (With "Taps" playing in the background).
    Sarge: Dear Lord, we thank you for taking another Blue back to Heaven today, or rather not to Heaven. To whatever fiery pit you send Blues to, so they can suffer in eternity. You could've taken Grif. But you didn't. Again. Not sure why— it would've been easy! Those mine things are everywhere! But I guess you know what you're doing...
    Caboose: (finally falls out of the sky after having been launched into the air last episode) ...aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! (THUD!) Wow! Now that was a big explosion!
    Grif: Blue guy's back!
    Caboose: I was really high. Did anyone get a picture?
    Sarge: And now you brought him back. And Grif's still here! I hate to criticize, but you could've just had him land on Grif and squash him. That would've been easy! Just a note; you can take it or leave it. Like I said, not really my place to criticize. Okay, the end, amen.
    C.T.: What the fuck is wrong with you people?

Chapter 10: Lay of the Land

  • Simmons is trying to contact Sarge, but turns out Sarge's radio is broken. He asks if Lopez can fix it.
    Lopez: ¿Puedo arreglar su radio desde aquí? Sí. Porque soy mágico. Yo soy un robot mágico. (Can I fix their radio from here? Sure. Because I am magic. I am a magic robot.)

Chapter 11: Dumb Cop, Bad Cop

  • C.T. vs. Grif and Sarge. In an interrogation. It goes about as well as you would expect.
    Sarge: Why? What's going on around here?
    C.T.: I can't tell you that.
    Sarge: Can't tell us or you don't want to tell us?
    C.T.: I can't tell you. Which is convenient, because I don't want to tell you.
    Grif: Why don't you want to tell us?
    C.T.: Because it's secret.
    Sarge: Regular secret or... TOP secret?
    C.T.: Top secret!
    Sarge: Damn it, the worst kind!
    Grif: Well, why is it so secretive?
    C.T.: I can't tell you that because that information is classified!
    Sarge: Classified as what?
    C.T.: CLASSIFIED AS SOMETHING I CAN'T TELL YOU. Now stop fishing for information!
    Grif: What information do you think we're fishing for?
    C.T.: Okay, that wasn't even a good attempt.
    Grif: Yeah...gotta agree with that.
    C.T.: Not one that you can recognise, now let's... Hey, wait! Where's your other guy?
    Sarge: Uhhh... what guy?
    C.T.: The other guy.
    Sarge: He's right there. (Points to Grif)
    C.T.: The OTHER other guy!
    Grif: He's right...there? (Points to Sarge)
    C.T.: THAT'S IT! Either you're here to investigate us or you're complete idiots! Either way, I'VE HAD IT. Tell me where the blue guy went or I'll shoot the orange one. (Cocks gun)
    (Sarge stares at him blankly)
    C.T.: Well?!
    Grif: Dude, I can save you some time. You just picked the wrong guy to threaten. It'll make sense once you get to know us.

Chapter 12: Well Hello

  • Donut is inspecting the currently empty Blue Base when the Meta shows up. Donut, having missed out on the previous season's fun, simply thinks he's a new recruit and starts to introduce himself. Simmons comes looking for him...
    Donut: Hey! Yeah, Simmons! I'm inside the Blue Base! Guess what? Blue Team got a new soldier!
    Simmons: [from outside] What? They sent another team member? Why would they do that? [entering the base] That doesn't make any sense— OH, FUCK! Welcometotheneighborhoodseeyoulater!
  • When fighting breaks out, Grif tries to steal the massive vehicle CT's crew is using. It doesn't go as planned.
    Grif: How do you fucking drive this thing? Why are there only four levers if there's six directions?! Where the fuck is second gear?!
    Sarge: (running alongside the moving vehicle) Grif, if you're going to run away in the middle of battle, at least have the decency to drive faster than I can run!

Chapter 13: Called Up

  • On the ancient supposedly hidden in the temple Tucker's guarding:
    Grif: This thing is that powerful?
    Tucker: Hell yeah! First they built these rings that were a huge weapon, then we found this super powerful cube-shaped weapon, and I guess this is the pyramid version.
    Grif: That ancient race sure built a lot of weapons.
    Tucker: I know.
    Grif: I mean, did they really need to spend all their time building stuff to destroy the universe? Like, how about the galaxy’s biggest movie theater or, like some kind of super advanced water park? All work and no play guys, seriously.
    Tucker: No play. Tell me about it.

Chapter 14: The Installation

  • When Simmons is confronting the Meta with a rocket launcher, we get this exchange.
    Simmons: Alright, you bastard, prepare to get "Simmonsized".
    (Simmons fires a rocket which misses the Meta and destroys a motorcycle that Lopez had just built.)
    Simmons: Well, fuck me.
    (A couple of rockets hit the Meta, forcing him to retreat. Lopez comes out with a massive rocket launcher.)
    Lopez: ¿En serio dijiste "Simmonsized"? (Did you seriously just say "Simmonsized"?)
    Simmons: Lopez?
    Lopez: Cierre la cogida. Usted rompió mi motocicleta de nuevo. (Shut the fuck up. You broke my motorcycle again.)

Chapter 15: Watch the Flank

  • Caboose recreates Church with Epsilon. Just one problem. This new Church only knows what Caboose told him.
    Tucker: Okay, quick quiz. Who am I?
    Epsilon-Church: You're... Captain Flowers, right? You're dead. (turns to Caboose) I've been meaning to ask you about that part. Is he like a zombie?
    Tucker: Uh-huh, and who is he?
    (flashes to Grif then to Epsilon-Church)
    Epsilon-Church: He's Grif, which is spelled with two "f's".
    Grif: Goddammit! Okay, now that's another thing!
    Epsilon-Church: Caboose was very specific about that second "f".
    Tucker: Yeah, and what about the red guy?
    Epsilon-Church: Well, if he's not Simmons, then I guess he's Sarge. (flashes to Sarge then back to Epsilon-Church) That would make him the gruff and regimented leader of the Red Team.
    Sarge: ... That actually seems pretty—
    Tucker: Just give him one more second.
    Epsilon-Church: Which would make him also the captain of their pirate ship.
    Tucker: There it is.
    Caboose: I am a good storyteller.

Chapter 16: Retention Deficit

  • Epsilon-Church accidentally shuts off his short-term memory while trying to access his long-term.
    Tucker: Jesus Christ, don't let him talk to me anymore!
    Epsilon-Church and Caboose: Okay, don't talk to him.
    Tucker: I can't fucking believe I have two of them now.

Chapter 17: Trust Issues

  • Tucker eventually gets tired of Church's memory problems;
    Epsilon: That’s awesome, man, I feel… great about whatever it is that we’re talking about.
    Tucker: Caboose, shouldn’t you be killing him or something?
    ( Beat. Caboose runs to Epsilon and whacks him with his gun.)
    Epsilon: Ow! Hey, cut it out!
    Caboose: Tucker did it!
Chapter 18: Hang Time
  • Simmons really seems to draw Lopez's ire this season:
    Simmons: (in regards to a cloaked Warthog) The Meta must've cloaked it. Ugh.
    Lopez: Dije tan. (Told you so.)
    Simmons: I’ve never seen anything like this before either, Lopez.
    Lopez: ¡Jódete! (Fuck you!)
  • The subversion of a Big Damn Heroes moment, where Tucker comes charging in with a Brute Chopper, looking like he'll land directly on top of the enemy... only to overshoot and crash into a bunker.

Chapter 19: Think You Know Someone

  • "I am not a thing! My name is Leonard Church, and YOU WILL FEAR MY LASERFACE!" Which doubles up as a Moment of Awesome.


  • The fact that, in a deleted scene, not only does Epsilon!Church have Two Girls One Cup in his memory, but Caboose's grandmother was apparently part of it, and TUCKER HAS SEEN BETTER. Although those may count more as Squick than funny.

"What is your problem with my balls!?"

Chapter 1: For Those of You Just Joining Us...

  • Church wants to use his laser face again, but thinks he needs to be mad to do it.
    Church: Hey, say something to make me angry. See if it happens again.
    Tucker: You're ugly and nobody likes you.
    Grif: You're annoying and your team sucks.
    Caboose: You're round and you can't wear pants.
    Church: You guys came up with all that really quickly.
    Tucker: Eh, it pays to be prepared. Did it work? Are you pissed?
    Church: No, I think I'm actually kind of depressed now. Caboose is right. I can't wear pants.
    Caboose: Well, I only said it because everyone is thinking it.

Chapter 2: Drink Your Ovaltine

Chapter 3: Upon Further Review

  • One moment just before Wash gets thrown into the barrels. The Warthog comes flying through the wall, and you can just tell that suddenly Wash is terrified as a car barrels towards him.
    Wash: Wait. What are you up to? What is that noise? Do I hear a—
    (Warthog crashes through the wall)
    Wash: CAAAR?!
  • Grif's excitement after driving over Wash vanishes very quickly.
    Grif: How's my bumper taste, asshole! (Wash starts climbing on the hood of the moving car) ...Uh-oh.
  • When Grif desperately tries to hit the brakes while Wash shoots at him, you can briefly see that the Warthog has six pedals.

Chapter 4: Recovering One

  • Simmons picking up part of the hog as a weapon.
  • This entire scene:
    Doc: (after the Meta suddenly slows down while trying to punch Doc) Am I dead? Am I dead?
    Simmons: Doc, you did it!
    Doc: (looks at the Meta, whose fist is still slowly traveling towards Doc, and continues to do so throughout the rest of this conversation) He's frozen!
    Simmons: It looks like you overloaded his time-distortion unit. It looks like you caused some kind of inversion. Instead of making everything else slow, it made him slow!
    Doc: Alright! Score one for the pacifists! How do you like me now, Meta!
    Simmons: Um, Doc, I wouldn't get to close to him if I were you.
    Doc: Why? What's he gonna do? Beat me up over the course of the next two weeks?
    Simmons: Well, technically he's not actually moving slower. He's moving at the same speed, just over a longer period of time.
    Doc: Huh?
    Simmons: It's relativistic. His fist is still moving at the same velocity, we're just viewing it at a faster timeframe. Therefore, it looks slowed down, but theoretically, it should carry the same force.
    Doc: (looks at the Meta again) Nah, see, he's moving slower!
    (camera zooms in on the Meta's fist, which lightly taps against Doc's helmet)
    Doc: Woaaauugh! (goes flying into Blue Base's walls, and gets stuck there)
    Simmons: See? That's what you get for arguing with science. Bitch.
  • The Meta chasing Epsilon-Church like a cat and a laser pointer.

Chapter 5: Fourth and Twenty

  • Grif and Simmons have to hide Epsilon quickly:
    Grif: Uh... (looks at Epsilon, who is immobile on the sand)
    Epsilon: Don't do it, you fuckEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR... (goes flying into the distance as Grif punts him)
  • When they're being confronted, Grif tells Simmons to be cool (and not give away what just happened). Simmons, having just come back, has no idea what's going on.
    Simmons: What the-? Grif! What are you doing?!
    Grif: Shut up, man! Be cool.
    Simmons: Be cool? (aliens come upon the scene) Whoa! I mean, what's the 411, daddy-o's? Me and my homy were just hangin' all up in here, deserts... ville. It's all good! You know what I'm sayin', scrillas?
    Grif: What the fuck are you doing?
    Simmons: You told be to be cool!
    Grif: Right. So what the fuck are you doing?
  • At the beginning, the Elites are furious that Church-In-The-Monitor has gone missing (As they worship the technology) and chase Caboose up a pillar. Tucker, on the sidelines, has No Sympathy.
    Caboose: (Frantic) Tucker! They are going to eat me!
    Tucker: Caboose, would you shut up? They're not going to eat you. They're just going to persecute and kill you. Quit being such a baby.

Chapter 6: Towing Package

  • The Meta's refusal to pull Doc out by the codpiece, as well as Wash refusing to try when the Meta asks.

Chapter 7: And Don't Call Me Shirley

  • How does Tucker get away from the tech-worshipping Elites?
    Tucker: Oh my God, look! A next-gen smartphone! Someone just leave that lying around? (Elites turn to look where Tucker is looking. Tucker gets off the pillar and boards his Brute Cycle) Fooled by the old prototype trick. Classic. Well, see ya, bitches! I'm outta here! (Brute Cycle powers down) What the- Outta gas? Hey, uh, you guys have any gas? (The Elites cock their guns) You know what? Fuck it, I'm just gonna run.

Chapter 8: Perusing the Archive

  • Wash and Meta dragging Doc — still stuck in the wall chunk — to the desert. After bugging Wash with a request for water, Doc starts to go under.
    Doc: Yeah, this might be a bad time to tell you I'm sinking, then.
    Wash: ...I hate you.
    Doc: I know.

Chapter 9: Backup Plans

  • Red team comes into the abandoned base. They decide to give themselves names based off of the states of the USA, like the Freelancers, in order to trick the computer that watches the door. Things don't go quite as planned.
    Grif: I told you guys that stupid plan wouldn't work.
    Simmons: That's because you said your name was agent Pluto!
    Sarge: Luckily, we had a contingency plan to fall back on.
    Grif: Sarge, shotgun to the face is not a contingency plan. I keep telling you that.
    Sheila: (broken and riddled with bullet holes) Hello, this is a private facility. Hello, this is a private facility.
    Sarge: Don't be so quick to judge, Grif. Shotgun to the face can be a plan in a variety of situations. For instance, (points gun at Grif) watch how quickly it cures insubordination!
  • "Is it possible to ambush someone who's beating through a metal door to get to you?"
  • Wash thinks he and Meta should just start killing the aliens and let the last one alive talk.
    Doc: Wash, you can't just kill everyone you meet.
    Wash: (genuinely confused) ...Why not?
    Doc: Umm... well, now that you put me on the spot, I don't really have an answer, just seems like a bad idea. ...Karma?
  • "Humens suk!" (Arrow pointing to dead stick figure) -> "Shisno"
    Doc: What's it say?
    Washington: It says peace talks have broken down. Now we do things our way.
    Meta: (fires)
  • Caboose's increasingly futile attempts to keep the Reds from gaining access to the door at the Freelancer outpost. When the door starts getting dented from the inside, Caboose just slowly walks away, head down, endlessly muttering "excuse me", "pardon me" and "coming through" until he walks down the hall and out of sight.

Chapter 10: This One Goes to Eleven

  • The episode opens with the Reds running in abject fear, as Tex is on the warpath.
    F.I.L.S.S.: Alarm! Security breach— level Alpha! All personnel report for duty! This is not a drill!
    (Simmons, Grif and Sarge run through, with Sarge laying cover fire with a shotgun)
    Simmons: RUN!
    Grif: Oh, crap! Where is she?!
    Simmons: I don't wanna die!
    Caboose: Sheila! We have to help them!
    F.I.L.S.S.: Help who?
    Caboose: The Reds! Tex is attacking them! We have to stop her!
    F.I.L.S.S.: Stop Agent Texas? Oh no. Absolutely not. We should never interfere with an ongoing battlefield simulation test. Our job is to observe and document.
    Caboose: But she'll kill them!
    F.I.L.S.S.: Oh, that would be wonderful! What a successful test!
  • The entirety of Episode 10 is this and a Moment of Awesome as Tex just lays a complete smackdown against everyone without breaking a sweat.
    (after waylaying Grif, Tex, who is now standing above him, points Sarge's shotgun at him)
    Simmons: Oh, no! Grif!
    Grif: Yikes!
    (Tex pulls the trigger... and finds out it's out of ammo)
    Sarge: (as Tex repeatedly pulls the trigger) Private Grif, you should be ashamed of yourself! We've run out of ammo again! That's your responsibility!
    Grif: Huh. I guess this is the first time my laziness saved my—
    (Tex steps on Grif, then grabs the barrel of the gun and winds up like a golf club, aiming right at Grif's nuts)
    Grif: (cowering, holding up a traffic cone) Protect me, cone!
    (Grif gets knocked into Simmons, bowling him and a teleportation gate over)
    Simmons: Watch it!
    Grif: You watch it!
    Sarge: You idiots! Let me show you how it's done—(eats a left hook from Tex)—ugh!
    Simmons: Nice demonstration, Sarge.
    Sarge: Ah, shut up.
  • Earlier in the fight:
    Caboose: Great! I saved Tucker! (Beat) Oh, wait...I saved Tucker...
    Tucker: Caboose! What the hell are you doing?! You're messing up my plan with Simmons! I was supposed to distract her for him!
    (Tex overhears the communique, and turns to see Simmons loading a rocket)
    Simmons: (panicking) YOU RATTED ME OUT, YOU SON OF A BITCH! (fires a rocket at Tex)
    (Tex dodges the rocket, and grabs a teleportation gate and hurls it at Simmons)
    Simmons: Oh, shit! (fires a rocket at the gate)
    (The rocket flies through the portal, and out another one below Simmons; it explodes, and launches Simmons straight up...and into the portal passing over his head, through the aforementioned other portal, and finally into Tex's hands, who then throws him at Tucker.)
    Tucker: That was awesome—(gets bowled over by Simmons)
  • The amount of shots to the nuts that Grif took would be enough to render the man sterile. The funniest one being the very casual one where Tex pops up through a portal, looks at Grif's groin, then punches them directly. There are seven in all, with two of them being hard enough to crack stone.
  • After Sarge gets buried in medkits:
  • Trying to drop a massive shipping crate on Tex:
    Tucker: (as the crate lands) I can't believed that worked!
    (Close-up reveals the ground caved beneath Tex, who is now holding the crate up)
    Tucker: Oh, fuck! That didn't work!
    F.I.L.S.S.: (to Caboose) I knew that would not work. Agent Tex is a bit of a badass.
  • Tex hits Tucker so hard, she knocks the black stuff right off his armor.
    Sarge: Wow, she knocked the black right off of you!
    Tucker: (groaning in pain) That's racist.
  • The climax of the episode:
    Sarge: (as Tex turns and runs) You're all clear, Simmons! Now shoot her!
    Simmons: Fire in the hole! (fires rocket launcher)
    (Tex runs with the rocket right on her tail... then jumps into a portal, comes out another one lying on the ground, and runs towards Simmons and company with the rocket still chasing her)
    Tucker: Are you fucking kidding me?! RUN!
    (Sarge, Simmons and Tucker try to run, but bump into one another and get nowhere. Tex then runs up to them, leveling all three with a single clothesline without breaking stride; when she sees Grif, she baseball-slides between his legs.)
    Grif: (seeing the rocket still chasing Tex) Oh god... (covers his crotch) not like this!
    (The rocket flies harmlessly between his legs.)
    Grif: Oh thank God...I thought I was—
    (Turns around to see Tex dive into a portal, while said rocket impacts the pile of med-kits and oil barrels from earlier)
  • After Tex sends the Reds and Blues flying with a huge explosion (where Grif flies the highest due to the involvement of an oil drum), she starts nudging a concrete divider a few inches using her foot, stands back to survey her work... and then Grif lands on the divider nuts-first, with enough force to put a dent in it.
    Grif: Why won't you just kill me?!
  • "They look the same! Which one do I shoot?!" "Ow! Shoot the one who's winning, dumbass!"
  • The perfect subversion of Would Not Hit a Girl? Two Words: "Try harder!"

Chapter 11: Restraining Orders

  • At the end of the previous episode, Church, back in a proper body, confronts Tex in a badass way. At the beginning of this episode, Tex has Church in a headlock and is beating him over the head with the Monitor. "Tex, you are embarrassing me!" It's even funnier in the DVD, because it's an immediate Smash Cut from "Why don't you pick on someone your own size" to "Tex, you are embarrassing me!"
    Grif: Beating him over the head with his own body? That doesn't seem physically possible.
  • Caboose's immediate backpedaling when things suddenly go wrong.
    Caboose: Yes! Yes! I did it! I am the biggest hero ever! I beat up the girl![...] I did it! I... not my fault! Not my fault! I did not do this! The computer made suggestions! And the default option was yes!
  • While they are watching Tex beat on Church, Grif is holding a medpack to his groin, after how many times he was hit there.
  • And the Brick Joke from the last season, where Caboose is the only one NOT effected by the Armor-lock, since he's still wearing the old-style helmet.
  • Doc briefly distracts Wash by asking for a break.
    Wash: What are we, mailmen? This is a military mission. We don't get a vacation. We don't take sick days, we don't get paid overtime.
    Doc: What? Freelancers don't get overtime?
    Wash: That's right. We have a job to do, and we're expected to stick wi— Wait. Why, do you?
    Doc: Overtime? Yeah. Time and a half over 40 hours. Time and a half and a half up to 60!
    Wash: (Genuinely interested) ...Really?
    Doc: You guys don't get that? That's crazy, you work so hard.
    Wash: Tell me about it.
    Doc: You guys should strike.
    Wash: We're not unionizing. Stop instigating.
    Doc: Tell me they at least match your 401K.
    Wash: Shut up.

Chapter 12: Snooze Button

  • Caboose playing around with the PA system in the Freelancer facility.
    Church: Sheila. Please mute him.
    F.I.L.S.S.: Affirmative.
    Caboose: THIS IS MICHAEL J. CABOOSE SIGNING— (Microphone turns off) Aw, man!

Chapter 13: Battle of the Exes

  • Wash tries explaining the Monitor to Doc.
    Doc: You saw a floating thing?
    Wash: Yes. Like a metal eye. It shot a laser at us.
    Doc: Yeah, okay... Hey, Wash, this sun is really hot. Maybe we should find you some shade.
    Wash: I'm not hallucinating, Meta saw it too.
    Meta: (Growls)
    Wash: Oh, yes you did! Don't even try that!
    Doc: Wash, do you see the floating eyeball now? Is he here with us—
    Wash: Don't psychoanalyze me.
    Doc: I'd like to talk to the laser eye for a minute, Wash.
    Wash: That way, the next time we see Epsilon, he won't get away.
    Doc: Are you talking about the regular Epsilon, or the Epsilon that's just a floating head and visits you when you're alone?
    Wash: I'm not crazy! ...And it was just the eye that was floating around, not a whole head.
    Doc: Yes, Wash. Because the whole head is what makes it crazy.

Chapter 14: Reconfiguration

  • With no other leads to find Epsilon, Doc suggests Wash and Meta try tracking the Reds and Blues by their heat signatures... in the desert. Wash shoos Doc away, then...
    Wash: ...Hey, Meta. Is there any way to track the Reds by picking up a trail, like a heat signature, or something?
    Meta: (Growls)
    Wash: (Long suffering) Yes, I know we're in the desert.
  • Doc's snark when Wash asks him if there's anything medical to report.
    Doc: No, the dead aliens are still dead. Also still aliens, but that's less significant. Oh, yeah, one other thing. You know that Stockholm Syndrome, where prisoners start to like and identify with their captors after being held hostage for long enough?
    Wash: What about it?
    Doc: No one has that yet.

Chapter 15: Check Your Local Listings

  • The whole dialogue between Grif and Simmons at the end, where they discuss upgrading armor. Specifically, Grif wants Simmons to hook up an invisibility attachment so that he could nap whenever he wanted.
    Grif: I would be completely unstoppable.
    Simmons: Actually, you would be the exact opposite of that.
    Grif: Totally stoppable. Already stopped.
    Simmons: No man should have that kind of power.
  • Simmons accidentally gives him a super-speed attachment... which tires him out so much he takes an impromptu nap when it deactivates. Success?
  • Also, when Grif is speeding around the bunker:
    Grif: (Runs by) HeyCaboose!
    Tucker: Whoa! What the Hell was that!?
    Caboose: What was what? (Long pause) Hey, Grif.
    (Cut to Sarge examining a forklift)
    Sarge: That is a fine piece of equipment. (Grif runs by from behind) Hrm, why am I so angry all of a sudden?

Chapter 16: Standardized Testing

  • After the conversation between Tex and Church, we cut to Wash in the desert. Not only can you can see the Meta beating a dead Alien with his 'Knifle' in the background, you can still hear the noises when Doc and Wash are talking.

Chapter 17: Tenth Percentile

  • Simmons is prepared to restore the data on the Blues via some technical, hacking jargon, but F.I.L.S.S. points out that she has back-up files ready, and restores the database. Simmons is put out to hear his technical mojo won't be needed.
    F.I.L.S.S.: I could always pretend that you hacked me, if that would make you look better to your friends.
    Simmons: Stop patronizing me.
    F.I.L.S.S: Affirmative. Patronizing subroutines are now off-line.
    Simmons: ...You're still patronizing me, aren't you?
    F.I.L.S.S: Kind of.

Chapter 18: Rally Cap

Chapter 19: Reunion

  • The Reds, Tucker, and Caboose arrive in a pelican, ready to save the day... in their usual style.
    Sarge: There they are! Land right next to them!
    Grif: Right. Land.
    Sarge: You do know how to land this vehicle, don't you?
    Grif: Sure. That just means "Stop flying", right?
    Tucker: Oh shit, this is gonna suck!
    Caboose: I still haven't gotten my peanuts.
  • The result of the Big Damn Heroes moment.
    Washington: ...I'd say that was the cavalry, but the I've never seen a line of horses crash into the battlefield from outer space before.
    Church: Uh, is it possible for a fragment of an Artificial Intelligence encased in a robotic body to piss its pants? 'Cause I think I just did.
    Washington: Come on. Let's see how many of your friends survived that.
    Church: You know, they're not really my friends.
    Washington: That's okay. I'm sure none of them really survived.

Chapter 20: N+1

  • After Wash gets immobilised, Reds charge the Meta while shouting battle cries:
    Sarge: Attack!
    Simmons: Get him!
    Grif: We're all gonna fucking die!
  • After the Reds succeed in throwing Meta off a cliff, Grif ends up falling off said cliff along with him. From there, we get this:
    Simmons: He's... gone...
    Sarge: Yep. Grif is dead. It's a sad day. But he died as he lived. Flat on his belly and trying to get someone else to do his work for him. He will be missed. 'Till we get a replacement. And then forgotten immediately!
    Simmons: I can't believe he's gone!
    Tucker: You know, sometimes when someone falls off a cliff in the movies, he's usually just over the edge hanging on a tree branch or something.
    Sarge: Nope! He's definitely dead!
    Simmons: Maybe we should look just in case.
    Sarge: I think looking would get our hopes up. And Grif wouldn't like that. He'd want our expectations to be as low as possible. Let's honor him by not looking! And then have a nice lunch. I'm thinking maybe a Monte Cristo sandwich.
    Simmons: Are you sure? I could just peek right over the edge.
    Sarge: Sounds like a waste of time.
    Simmons: Wouldn't even take a second.
    Sarge: Nope.
    Grif: Oh, for God's sake, just look over the damn edge! I can't hold on for much longer!
    (Simmons and Sarge look over the edge)
    Simmons: Grif!
    Sarge: Dangling on the job again, I see? Dagnabit, I hate cliffhangers!
    Grif: Oh, just pick me up!

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