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Funny / Bad Movie Beatdown 2011 Episodes

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  • A shocking revelation is followed by the EastEnders riff. Perfect fit.
  • Another perfect fit: Brain putting a bowling ball through pins sound effect when Violet ploughs through a group of henchmen with her car.

    Moon 44 
  • This gem:
    Film Brain: Look out! Johnny 5 is attacking!

    The Unborn 
  • He complains on the ghostly child's unfortunate nickname, leading to this gem:
    Film Brain: Look out, it's Jumby! Stop laughing, he's coming!
  • When a male lead tells the lead's friend "you're retarded!" FB responds "Apparently David S. Goyer went to the Eli Roth school of writing"
  • Sofi's final note contains...
    Sofi: It has fallen upon you to finish what began in Auschwitz.
    FB: WOOOW! It's a good thing there isn't a 20 year old on the internet to take that line horribly out of context. Did you not realize how that sounded?
  • Film Brain lampshading how unsubtle the film is.
    Film Brain: SYMBOLISM!!!
    [Less than a minute later]
    Film Brain: SYMBOLISM!!!
    [Less than a minute later]
    Film Brain: SYMBOLIS— I'm already overdoing it.

    Fat Slags 
  • After witnessing the Fat Slags having sex with the waiters:
    Film Brain: "That's it, I'm asexual."
  • Upon seeing that the film begins "on Shit Street"
    Film Brain: *sigh* "Yes, yes we are."
  • Responding to the title cards like so in Mega Piranha...
    Film Brain
    Movie Critic
    (Closet Masochist)
  • "Oh my god, there's so much stupid in the same place! I can feel my sanity starting to crack."
  • Upon seeing the Fat Slags' boyfriends in Afghanistan bonking the local women: "I'd tell them to get f*cked, but they already are."
  • His reaction to the exploding dog scene:
    Film Brain: WHAT? I don't...I just....(sighs) I hate this job sometimes....
  • "Holy shit! She just killed Ratatoing!"
  • "Dolph Lundgren may have fought terrorists and aliens but now he faces his greatest challenge: slapstick comedy."

  • "Dolph Lundgren at the Olympics! He may have to settle for the bronze."
  • The Britain's Got Talent gags.

    Grown Ups 
  • This gem:
    Film Brain: I can't believe I'm saying this, but I feel sorry for Rob Schneider. (spits)

     2 Fast 2 Furious 
  • His constant comments on the Ludacris amount of Ho Yay between two of the main characters.
  • "2 Fast 2 Furious is probably the most homoerotic action film since Top Gun"
  • "You're like an old married couple! Now kiss and make-up!"
    Bryan: Well I've got something for your ass.
    Film Brain: Well I bet you do.
    Bryan: Now put your blouse back on.
    • Film Brain: Do I even have to write jokes about this? The film makes it so easy!
  • "If we fill the film with enough of these shots (of scantily clad women) maybe people will ignore the macho subtext.
  • After finding out that Michael Ealy from Seven Pounds is in the movie: "Dammit! That movie will haunt me forever!"
  • "We're not even out of the opening credits yet and already this is stupid. This must be a new record.
  • "The other troubling character in this race is Suki - who's supposedly a tough girl, which is why she drives around in a bright, Barbie pink car and spends most of the race in dead last."
    • "Lady, you can growl all you want but at the end of the day, you're still shit"
  • Pointless CGI is Kewl

  • Just as Woody Harrelson's character dies: "This one's for Money Train!"
  • Early on in the second half, we get a bit of description of the 2012 disaster hitting Tokyo. This is cut off by Mathew on his sofa, explaining he cut out a joke because of events that took place not long after the intended release. His solemn tone conveys just how dead serious he is as he explains the scene in detail, why he was originally going to joke about it, and that he meant not to make light of recent events as much as he did the film. Right after this, he plays the scene where the Vatican collapses. The sound of bowling pins is heard right as the ruins crush the crowd.

    Sunday School Musical 
  • Todd in the Shadows's attempts to get a crossover.
    Bennett the Sage: So you want the two of us to sit down and watch the Britney Spears movie?
    Todd: Well… well, yeah.
    Bennett: You are a guy under there, right?
    Phelous: So when Justin and Kelly stop singing and dancing, a murderer comes and kills them, right?
    Todd: No, I think they, uh, they start to fall in love.
    Phelous: Well, then a monster comes and kills them, right?
    Todd: No, nothing like that happens.
    Phelous: So what does kill them?
    Lupa: (reading DVD case) "Madonna stars in a steamy erotic thriller of S&M, murder, and explicit sex." (looks at Todd) You want me to go to your room and watch a dirty movie with you?
    Todd: Yeah, I mean…
    Lupa: Todd, you could not possibly be any creepier than you are right now.
    Todd: You smell nice.
    (Lupa punches Todd and runs)
  • Mathew calling Todd in the Shadows "Hoodie Scum" upon meeting him for the first time and offering Todd his wallet in exchange for not getting stabbed.
    • When Todd eventually gets Mathew to calm down, Todd mentions reviewing Crossroads. Not only does Mathew mention two other works with the same title, but when Todd finally just tells him it's the Britney Spears movie, Mathew just deadpans "We're not going to review that".
      • And then one of the eponymous Sunday schools turns out to be actually named Crossroads, leading to an additional plea from Todd.
  • Brain asks Todd how he got in his room when the door was locked. Todd deadpans "I move in the space between spaces" and they leave it at that.
  • After Film Brain points out that the film is the first from The Asylum's Christian division:
    Todd: Religious themed movies? Film Brain, do you even go to church?
    Mathew: No…
    Todd: Did you grow up in Bible Belt America?
    Mathew: No…
    Todd: Have you ever seen any of the High School Musicals?
    Mathew: Not in full.
    Todd: Oh, my friend, you are gonna need all the help you can get.
  • Todd says that the music is so generic that it might as well be an 80's sitcom theme, then dubs the theme to Perfect Strangers over it.
  • This:
    Mathew: It's nice that the movie hits us with this hopelessly banal song right from the start, so that the sane amongst us can leave while they still can.
    Todd: But, we're reviewers. So sanity is not part of the job description.
    (Mathew nods)
  • When Mathew points out that the people in the audience are nodding during the first choir performance, but seemingly not at anything:
    Todd: (off-camera) Okay, pretend you're watching a song-and-dance number and you're really enjoying it.
    (Mathew nods his head)
    Todd: No, more enthusiasm, more enthusiasm! That's it, fucking smile and nod your way to religion!
    (Mathew nods his head harder)
  • "Look at them! Their vapid uninspired performance of musty old Christian music is much worse than our vapid uninspired performance of musty old Christian music!"
  • "Mom loses her job, so she announces that Zachary has to go move in with her auntie and uncle in Bel Air, or something."
  • "Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Savage Garden."
  • A character's father explains a prayer her mother would say, "Lord, let this bubble take away my trouble." Smash cut to Mathew and Todd fake-puking.
  • "♪Dancing in the men's room~♪"
  • Both Todd and Mathew making fun of Zach's half-hearted lip-syncing.
  • "Oh God, I have this horrible itch in the back of my throat that I need to scratch with MY GUN!!"
  • "I truly admire this movie's verisimilitude. For those of you who did not go to church as a kid, this is exactly what it feels like to be stuck in church. I can already feel the overwhelming desire to get through the sermon so I can go home and play video games."
  • "She's come here to chew gum, blow bubbles, and kick some ass!"
  • When the choir performs in the competition even after being disqualified:
    Mathew: ♪I'm happy to be disqualified!♪
    Todd: ♪Losers standing side by side!♪
  • "Whoa, where did the 70's prog rock organ solo come from?"
  • The end of the performance:
    Soloist: ♪Meeeeee-e-e-e-e-e~
    Todd (as Randy Jackson) I thought it was pitchy, dawg.
    Mathew: (as Simon Cowell) What the hell was that.

    Hercules in New York 

    Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen 
  • Film Brain remarks that as a child of the nineties, he missed the initial Transformers craze by a few years & can only judge the Michael Bay films on their own merits, before acknowledging he knows people who feel differently. Cut to Spoony.
    Spoony: FUCK YOU! *punches a DVD copy of the original film*
  • "With each sex and groin joke, Bay brings society closer to the days of Ow, My Balls!."
  • "Careful there guys, I think that might also be the home of the Holy Grail."
  • Brain getting excited that one of the twins is going to get eaten...only to be disappointed that it was a subversion.
  • Brain's reaction to Deverstator's infamous Brass Balls. Complete with a cameo from Spoony mocking him.
    Spoony: Ah, yes that's it. Choke on that 3.5 out of 5.
  • "Sam, what have I told you about machine gun fire in the house?!"
  • Ew! Why are teenage girls fawning over Rainn Wilson? And why is Rainn Wilson after teenage girls? (shudders in digust) Guh!

    Out Of Reach 
  • "So yeah, Seagal Month got very awkward very quick, it seems."
  • After a character conveys a message to Seagal's in charades, Film Brain holds up the DVD and then makes a jerking motion with the other hand, with the caption "this movie is wank".
  • The closing cameo by Brad Jones' voice. Film Brain's reaction only makes it funnier.
  • His reaction at the end of the film when we see a still shot of Seagal smiling. It really isn't a natural expression on the guy.
  • "Yes, it's all part of my cunning scheme of killing Seagal! [beat] Somehow!"
  • "He sneaks into the henchman's room using the brothel's secret passageways...just go with it..."
  • "I think the wall is dead, sir."

    Mercenary For Justice 
  • "He's Seagal's friend, he's black, and he's in a war. Oh he is so dead!"
    • And when he does "His life expectancy was in negative numbers!"
  • "Yeah, this clichéd war movie scene doesn't really work when one of the characters keeps switching voices."
  • "Even with the death of his best friend, Seagal's expression is unflappable, except in extreme closeups. Truly breathtaking."
  • When a particularly nasty character gets blown up, Brain flashes up a 'Yay :D' over the footage.
  • One hell of a visual pun about eight minutes in.
  • His growing confusion over the incomprehensible plot.
  • Another title card joke:
    Mathew Buck
  • After Seagal's edited escape from the back seat of a car:
    Film Brain: Really?! We're not going to buy that this guy is lightening fast when he's twice the man he used to be! He looks two steps away from a heart attack!
    Selma: It's like he disappeared to fat air. [Patty and Selma laugh]
  • "Ugh, how am I going to write about this?"
  • After a bad guy dies by falling on a car after being shot.
    Seagal: Bad parking.
    Film Brain: Bad one-liner.
  • It's been established that the Big Bad doesn't personally use guns.
    Film Brain: Now what do you think he'll do, viewers? Will he A) talk down Seagal in a civilised debate, or B) pull out a gun uncharacteristically? (Big Bad pulls out a gun uncharacteristically) If you answered B, congratulations, because you can write a shitty Seagal movie!
  • The closing cameo from Benzaie's voice.

    Shadow Man 
  • Film Brain tuning his throat like a radio receiver.
  • "Sex with Seagal is like playing a game of Whose Boob Is Which?"
  • "He's a real action star!"
  • "AAGH! Not again! YIKES!"
  • "So the film opens in a lab where Scientists are working on a secret, deadly weapon. Which alarms THIS MAN." *cuts back to Film Brain* DERP *Film Brain hits head against wall*

    Against the Dark 
  • His reaction to the psychotic scientist that looks like Tommy Wiseau.
  • Any time he mocks the characters making typical Too Dumb to Live decisions.
  • "Stay away from the light, Dylan! There's too much symbolism!"

    Half Past Dead 
  • "NOOOOO! Not the fat guy, he was my favorite! He had a big-ass gun!"
  • Going "WEEE!" as Seagal and a terrorist are swinging on cables.
  • His glee at the prospect of Seagal actually dying... only to realize that this is why the movie was called "Half Past Dead."
    Film Brain: Even saying that is painful.
  • When the first Body Double Count appears (when Seagal does a somersault near an explosion):
    Film Brain: Okay, let's be fair, that is something you would need a stunt double for, as opposed to WALKING.
  • "The editing in the PG-13 version is really fu[silence]ng obvious."

    Half Past Dead 2 

    Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning 
  • Pretty much the entirety of the start of the review, beginning with Welshy stealing Film Brain's opening Catchphrase.
    Welshy: Hello, and welcome to "Bad Movie Beatdown"!
    Film Brain: Hey, that's MY intro bit!
    Welshy: My idea. My intro. My crossover.
    Film Brain: Fine, fair enough.
    Film Brain: (to Masako X) Thank you.

  • When challenging Spoony for the live action Tekken movie, he inserts a coin into the screen.
  • After disagreeing with the quality of the movie, Spoony shows him Lee's ending from Tekken 5, complete with Heihachi in a speedo and his Imagine Spot after Lee reminds him of the bomb, causing Film Brain to wonder what the "flying fuck" he saw.

    Spy Kids 3 D 
  • After receiving Professor Celluloid's glasses (which he claims are 3D).
    "Wow, I look like an idiot."
  • On a related note, Celluloid already sees in 3D.
  • Later on he dumps those glasses and grabs a pair of cool-looking 3D glasses.
    Film Brain: "If I'm going to look like a prat, I might as well look like a cool prat."
    Caption: Deal with It
  • Matthew's reaction to Floop telling the kids to spend $35 on concessions if they feel eye-strain.
    Film Brain: "That's it, kids! Spend money on overpriced sugar-packed shit! Or better yet, go outside AND WATCH ANOTHER MOVIE!!! :D"
  • The "Gratuitous 3D Counter" reaching 18 in ONE scene before exploding.
  • A clip of Basil Brush laughing is played after a bad pun.

  • Why does Film Brain have the poster of the movie on his wall? " Well, after all the negative comments about the Transformers poster, I put it up there just to dick with you."
  • The ThatGuyWithTheGlasses website being edited into being among the webpages Simon Silverton sifts through.
  • "That's right folks, Castle has turned into a complete Saturday Morning Cartoon Villain who wants to take over the world." *cut to Lo Pan saying "Indeed"* "Unlike this Movie, I don't like to be cliche.*

    Good Luck Chuck 

    Ghost Rider 
  • His constant complaints of the film's slow pacing.
  • The "in-jokes" to Peter Fonda's role in Easy Rider.
  • Laughing when Blackheart becomes Legion, then clearing his throat and laughing even harder when he realizes it's supposed to be scary.
  • "*coughs* Oh man! I wonder what's causing all that coughing! Pass me those smokes!"
  • The 5 Nic Cage Levels: 1 (Kinda Weird), 2 (Bit of an Oddball), 3 (Bloomin' Mental!), 4 (BATSHIT INSANE!!!), 5 (NOT THE BEES!!!!!)
    • "Cage has three modes: eccentric, batshit crazy, and Disney. And I only wish he was batshit crazy in this one."
  • His increasing disbelief when none of the Hidden use their elemental abilities to effectively fight Ghost Rider, especially when he easily defeats Water despite being as a severe disadvantage.
    • "So, fire beats water underwater? That's like in 'Rock, Paper, Scissors' having paper beat scissors!"

    When in Rome 
  • His entire commentary on the Vase scene: "Holy Shit! Is that vase made out of adamantium?"
    • "Luckily for Josh Dumael the prop department changed the vase's for one made out of earth materials."
    • "She's not so much beating a Vase as a dead horse."
    • "It's also appropriate because it's blindingly clear to everyone this marriage is just going to last roughly 15 minutes."
  • "Johnson is uncredited for his part, incidentally, which means he made the wisest career move of his life."
  • His comparing Beth's best friend to an ostrich: "And now I've said it you all won't be able to stop seeing it either"
  • His expression when he finds out Beth's sister is getting married to a guy after two weeks.

    Van Helsing 
  • Look! A CGI Effect! *Dramatic zoom in on kitty* *Dramatic zoom in on FB screaming*
  • After seeing the sloppiest possible execution of an "everyone else in the room is a vampire" reveal where they even remove the rest of the furniture.
    Film Brain: Apparently, these are furniture vampires.

  • I don't think the director was trying to reference Manos here.
  • * Not even bothering to remember the names of the characters, opting to call them "Whiny", "Prick", "Bland" and "Slut".
  • A bear approaches the car, not acting particularly threatening...and then "Prick" whips out a handgun and blasts the crap out of it.
    Film Brain: "JESUS CHRIST, dude!"
  • The bear knows! THE BEAR KNOWS!
  • "Congratulations, Prick! You've pissed off Yogi Bear, who's come for Boo-Boo, and now he thinks you're a threat! Good thinking!"
  • He asks his Twitter if you could make a cattle prod out of a golf club plugged into a car cigarette lighter, and notes that he got a lot of questions asking what he got up to in his personal life.
  • At one point, the protagonists manage to trap the bear in the car (but have to let it out because Whiny was still in it). How did they do that? ...uh...
    Film Brain: (at a later point) It's a bear! Not Jigsaw! You nearly outsmarted it by trapping it in a car with cake!
  • "Step aside immortal bum-murderer Charles Dickens because we have found a film that somehow has an even stupider plot twist!"
  • This moment:
    Bland: I'm pregnant.
    Prick: You're with child?
    Film Brain: No, she's gonna give birth to a rubber chicken; OF COURSE SHE'S WITH CHILD!!!
  • Film Brain's particular theory for how the bear knows that Bland is pregnant.

    The Happening 
  • A shot of Matthew running in a field: "RUN AWAY FROM THE WIND!!!"
  • The ominous clouds are only ominous because of the string music - as Brain demonstrates by switching the music to the theme from The Magic Roundabout.
  • The film's mention of Colony Collapse Disorder for Ripped from the Headlines points fails to connect with Mark Wahlberg's characters' students:
    Film Brain: Why don't any of you care about the bees? Nicholas over here is really passionate about it!
    Nicolas Cage: [in the The Wicker Man remake] NOT THE BEES! AUGGHH!
  • When the review is almost done, he starts a counter of how many times the word "happening" is being said, and even includes all the times it's been previously said.
  • At the very end of the review, Matthew walks up to a tree and says, "SCREW YOU TREE", while dramatic music plays.
  • "I've seen military men say plenty of things under stress. 'Cheese and crackers' is not one of them."
  • His two reactions to the Eliot and Alma relationship subplot.
    Elliott!Film Brain: You had dessert? That's dreadful, that's almost as bad as sleeping with him. What did you have? Chocolate fudge sundae? I like that one.
    Alma!Film Brain: I'm glad you didn't buy cough syrup because you found a woman attractive. That would have been a total betrayal. That's even worse than having dessert with someone!

    Reckoning Day 

    Little Fockers 
  • "RUN AWAY!"
  • Making fun of the poorly-edited Dustin Hoffman scenes.
    I'll just stand back here until they need more for more reshoots!


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