Tony: The human body is a beautiful thing, and I think it should be admired. Kate: Yeah, right. [opens door] You're right, Tony, the human body is a beautiful thing. *dopey grin* [camera reveals the US Water Polo Team, wearing watch caps, speedos, and a lot of oil]
The aforementioned episode ends with Tony finding the photo of Kate in the wet T-shirt contest, which in one of the next episodes he lords over her, much to her embarrassment. At the end of that episode, she reveals a Photoshopped pic (courtesy of Abby) of two dudes in cheesecake poses, one with Tony's head. They agree to delete the pics together...but when they do, Gibbs' e-mail chime goes off twice. Both realize what's happened and beat a hasty retreat. Gibbs, looking a bit puzzled, checks his e-mail. The expression on his face just before the credits is priceless.
The exchange towards the end of "The Bone Yard", between Gibbs and mob brat Little Ricky.
Jimmy Napolitano, local mob boss and Little Ricky's dad, threatens Gibbs with the death of his father, brothers, and uncles (followed by his own after their funerals) if he screws the prisoner exchange they agree to up. Gibbs explains that all the mentioned relatives are already dead (Though in later seasons he's proved to be lying about his father being dead), but if Jimmy likes, he can pass on the names and addresses of his ex-wives...Jimmy hangs up before he can finish.
Early in the episode, Kate catches McGee gawking at her stretching in the gym, shortly before Gibbs has them work out together. The session goes rather cordially until the end, at which point Kate makes him pay for it.
Actually, just about the entire episode is back-to-back-to-back CMoFs.
To truly appreciate the funny, the second speaker above is Ari Haswari, who just murdered one team member, shot at another, and for all Ducky, whose clutch is being destroyed, knows, is about to kill him.
The first time Ziva drives the truck — she drives down the wrong side of the road. While the others scream and throw up, and cars honk and squeal in the background, she remains so calm it's hilarious.
Although Israelis drive on the right, Ziva says she was just on a six month mission in the UK, which explains her driving on the wrong side. Also, she drives fast because it's the best way to avoid IEDs, and Israelis tend to drive in an offensive, rather than defensive manner.
Jenny's delayed warning is telling.
Jenny: I think she was an eastern European cab driver in a former life.
When Tony is framed for murder, all the evidence seems to point to him, much to Abby's displeasure. When she finds contrary evidence, she perks right up.
Abby: (gospel preacher accent) For a moment, ah lost my faith in... But now I know, that forensics was just testing me. And ah will rise up and find the man who did this to Tony (voice spontaneously echoes) and ah will crucify him!...
Abby's assistant: (turns away from her slowly — He did it)
From "Head Case":
Tony: ...It looks like this guy did an episode of Trading Spaces with Satan.
In the Season 3 episode "Bloodbath", Abby is kidnapped by a stalker posing as a federal agent. Gibbs and DiNozzo run towards the van where she is being held, hearing (Narm-y) muffled screaming. The doors open to reveal... the screaming was from Abby tasing the captor.
In Season 3, episode "Under Covers" the armed confrontation between the FBI and NCIS agents, which took about 10 seconds of inaudible yelling and screaming.
Gibbs catching a fleeing murderer by shooting him in the butt with a rifle.
A flashback from when Gibbs was Franks's probie:
Franks: My brother and I married the same woman twice.
Franks: She was a hell of a woman, Probie!
In "Hiatus part 1", Abby manages to get into the ICU by rambling hysterically to the head nurse about, among other things, how long it took to get there, how she and Gibbs are closer than family, and how the picture on her ID is definitely, definitely her, all while emptying a bizarre array of objects out of her purse in search of her ID. All below, said in a manic babble.
Abby: McGee said that Gibbs was in a bomb blast. He tried to sound really calm, but I could hear the fear in his voice and he should be afraid, for Gibbs to be brought to the hospital in the ambulance could not be good. I had to come see for myself and my hearse got a flat as usual so, um, I got in a cab to go to the airport and then I realized that, that by the time I got to the terminal and, and I bought a ticket and then I went through security and then I flew to Norfolk and then I got a cab here it would be better just to stay in the cab that I was in so I did that, it cost a lost of, you know what it doesn't matter what it cost because this is Gibbs we're talking about. I can't believe that he's hurt he is never hurt, not hurt enough to go to a hospital. He has to be dying to even go see a doctor. Oh my God. He isn't dying is he? I dunno what I would do. Positive thoughts, positive thoughts, positive thoughts. Okay, I know the rule is that you have to be family to go into Emergency, at least that's what they said when Uncle Charlie got his leg caught in a nurtia trap, but Gibbs and me, we're tighter than blood. I know you need ID, I have ID in here. Um, I work at NCIS, uh, forensics, and, uh, ballistics, chemical analysis and DNA typing. Uh, here, um, that's me, I promise, I just, I had to be in court that day but I swear, that is me.
This is after Jenny Sheppard, director of NCIS, was refused admittance by the same nurse and had to resort to calling Condolezza Rice to get in (the president would have been overkill).
In "Singled Out", Ziva goes undercover as a geek at a speed dating session. Among other things, she tells one of the speed daters that her brother told her she was attractive, and she can't seem to get a grasp on how to act appropriately geeky. Of course, Gibbs (watching from MTAC) and DiNozzo are enjoying watching her goof up.
Gibbs: And do turn up the charm, Ziva David. You're a geek. Not mentally deranged.
The first encounter with Army CID Colonel Hollis Mann.
McGee: I am scrolling, I'm telling you I can't find it.
Tony: It's not on the map.
Tony: Boondocks, Boss!
Gibbs [walking into the office area with Ziva]: Pack a toothbrush.
Ziva: What are boondocks?
[Tony and McGee stare at each other]
Tony: Ba na now now now now now now now.
McGee: Da na nong nong nong nong nong nong nong.
Tony: Ba na now now now now now now now.
McGee: Da na nong nong nong nong nong nong nong.
[the two continue to imitate "Dueling Banjos" for the entire ride there'']
Made funnier from Ziva's look of "This does not answer my question. What the hell are you doing?" and Gibbs' look to Tony of "You're gonna do that the whole ride up there, aren't you?"
The reaction of the first person to go into Gibbs's basement after he has finished and removed his first boat.
While they are driving to someone's house, Tony and Ziva have one of their usual conversations where Ziva gets confused by a metaphor. At the end, they get out of the car at their destination, still arguing. Then Tony looks confused at the turn the conversation has taken.
Season four episode "Driven" begins with Team Gibbs attending a sexual harassment lecture and demonstrating why - between Abby hugging people with her mind, Ziva licking Tony's ear, and nobody quite having the guts to mention Gibbs's fondness for the Dope Slap - it's generally for the best that they usually manage to skip these lectures. See it here.
Jimmy Palmer is the scene-stealer. "WHY are you touching dead naked people?"
He also in inadvertently owns her in that scene, too, responding to her accusatory question with "Well, I work in autopsy, so..."
At the beginning of "Escaped" we learn that McGee overbleached his teeth the night before. He spends the entire episode keeping his mouth as closed as possible so his teeth are never seen, with Tony trying to get a look and the rest of the team offering tips on how to darken them. Finally, at the end when they arrive at work to see Gibbs has returned from his 10-Minute Retirement, the camera pans across the stunned faces of Ziva, Tony, until it comes to McGee with a big goofy grin on his face, showing off the brightest teeth ever. It even gets a joke in the "grey-out," complete with a Twinkle Smile and an Audible Gleam. See it here.
Similar situation in "Code of Conduct". Well, this whole scene is a CMoF beginning with Abby rigging McGee's keyboard to foam and ending with Ziva tainting Tony's coffee to turn his teeth blue, a joke that, like McGee's overbleached teeth, continued into the "grey-out." Can't believe she pulled it off with a straight face.
Everyone fessing up to raiding Tony's things after his supposed death mere hours before in "Bury Your Dead."
Abby: Everybody else gave you up for dead, even Ziva.
Ziva: OK, so I may have acted a little hastily.
Tony: That's my letter opener.
Ziva: Excellent balance and weight. The edge is a little dull, but I've always admired it.
Tony: Where's my American Pie coffee mug?
Tony: Mighty Mouse stapler?
Abby: Ducky... Hey, Ducky.
(Ducky is attempting to stealthily return the stapler when he's spotted)
Ducky: My dear fellow, I never believed it for a moment. Welcome home.
Tony had the plague? 0_0
From the episode "Ex-File" Colonel Hollis Mann (current girlfriend), Jenny Shepherd (former lover), and Stephanie Bronwyn Flynn (ex-wife number 2). Any scene between the three of them and Gibbs.
In "Dog Tags," McGee is attacked by a seemingly vicious dog, while the rest of the teem looks at the Crime scene inside. Then McGee's gun fires. They run outside and find McGee getting up while the dog is whimpering on the ground. During this whole scene a really loud and obnoxious song. While were looking at the wounded dog, the last lines of the song before the opening credits are "Bad dog, no biscuit!"
Also from "Dog Tags," when the dog lovingly named Jethro escapes from Abby's car, he makes a run for the forest and she chases after him. This dialogue follows:
And the beginning of that episode with Tony quoting from The Fugitive.
Tim: Hey! The "Tommy Lee Jones Speech", every time we have a fugitive, really?
In "Judgment Day, Part 1", Ziva and Tony are away guarding Director Sheppard at a funeral, and Gibbs is in another part of HQ. McGee comes in late... and sees Abby at Ziva's desk and Ducky at Tony's desk, impersonating them both, including a fake accent and Ducky putting his feet up on the table. When McGee asks where Gibbs is, Palmer rushes in with a perfect Gibbs impression... after which Gibbs actually arrives. It turns out that autopsy and forensics had been closed for a cleaning or a security sweep (something like that) and Abby, Ducky and Palmer just had nothing else to do.
From "Requiem", Even distraught Tony, having just saved Gibbs from drowning, attempts to avoid administering CPR.
Tony: Don't do this to me! Don't make me kiss you, Boss!
Ziva: What is this place? Soldier: It's classified. Tony: Classified? What have you got in there? Aliens? Bigfoot? Ark of the Covenant? That only leaves one thing. Ziva, Tony, and McGee(in unison): Unicorn!
In "Heartland", which is the investigation takes place in Gibbs's hometown, it is discovered that Gibbs has a father leading to this hilarious scene where Tony, Ziva and McGee speculate on how Gibbs came to this world.
Tony: So many questions! My mind is spinning with questions! I mean, have you ever thought about it? He actually came from somewhere! He didn't just appear, y'know; he didn't just start Gibbs, he was a boy, and then he grew!
Gibbs: Some idiot smuggled a koala onto a submarine. Grab your gear.
From the same scene, when Tony talks about business as usual becoming trite.
McGee: Blah blah blah, computer stuff. Blah.
Ducky: [plops a file on Tony's desk] Autopsy report.
Abby: Words. There's so many.. words. And feelings.. and stuff.. and emotions! Thanks for listening.
And how did they track down the terrorist who had taken Ziva captive? Caf-Pow.
Gibbs finished his boat a few years back, and when it reappears as a crime scene, what's Abby's priority?
McGee: It's no longer in...
Ziva: This is Gibbs' boat.
Abby: This is the crime scene. It was flown here on a C-130 cargo plane along with two bodies and all the evidence and now it is mine. It is aaaaaaaaaaall mine! So I can figure out the mystery.
McGee: What mystery? Who the dead guys were?
Ziva: Or who killed them?
Tony: Or how they ended up on the boat?
Abby: Sure, you guys should work on that. While I figure out how he got it out of the basement.
From the episode with the savant girl who put the military signal in a collage:
Dinozzo: (staring at the collage in question) It's like one of those hidden eye posters where if you stare at it for long enough it makes a picture...[Gibbs comes in and dope slaps him] That's it! It's out of focus! [camera focuses on his face; his eyes are unfocused''] It's dolphins! In moonlight!
The entire scene with McGee and Ziva trapped in the elevator in "Power Down."
"Book 'em, Dan-ozzo."
After Abby has spent most of the episode drinking highly caffeinated drinks:
Abby: Abby has to pee. [runs out of room]
This little gem from "Endgame":
Abby: [after giving Gibbs her usual report] What are you hiding?
Gibbs: [holds up a Caf-Pow]
Abby: Oh, no! It's too late; I can't.
Gibbs: [holds up a "No Caf-Pow"]
Abby: Gibbs, you are an enabler. And I love you for it. [takes Caf-Pows]
"Borderland": Abby performing a forensic Sherlock Scan on a bitchy policewoman...
Abby: One orange tabby and two calicos. You're allergic to citrus. You went bowling last night, you're Vitamin D deficient. Oh, and you're ovulating. [class laughs]
From "Ignition," when Ziva gets frustrated over the Internet:
Ziva: There is nothing good on the Internet anymore.
McGee: Yeah, I think that Internet thing has just about run its course.
Ziva: Pop-up ads, banner ads, video ads...I think this whole page may be an ad.
McGee: An ad for what?
Ziva: Hair-loss pills? This is a pill that makes people lose their hair?
Tony: It's for growing hair.
Ziva: Why would I need more hair?
Tony: Not you. Men.
Ziva: Like I need more men?
Gibbs delivers a Gibbs-smack to a cardboard cutout of Tony. Real-Tony flinches as if struck.
The next episode, Tony makes to give McGee a smack, but he ducks - and then Gibbs smacks Tony.
From "Kill Screen", an episode about PC games (subgenre zombie-shooter):
Ducky: I'm not sure I follow. You kill the zombie...
Palmer: And then, you kill their brains.
Ducky: Wouldn't hypovolemic shock render the second step unnecessary?
Palmer: No, no, no, because when you shoot a zombie in the head, sometimes the brains sneak out through the hole. And then, you have to kill that separately.
Ducky: I see. I think.
Also from "Kill Screen", Gibbs smacking, then hitting his computer monitor with a baseball bat to 'fix' his computer while McGee tries to fix it.
Also from "Kill Screen", Gibbs is in front of the computer that is trying to bring down the Pentagon's firewalls, and McGee tells him he will have to use the command console. Gibbs decides to Cut The Knot and shoot the computer. He then says "Game Over" in a hilarious tone. Which is multiplied when another screen starts working again and Gibbs shoots it.
On the Royal Navy ship that keeps trying to leave while the team is investigating a murder on board, Ziva and Tony are being escorted off when sirens start going off to signal some kind of engineering problem and delay the ship's departure until everything's checked. And then Gibbs pops out of a door holding a massive wrench...
Tony's first flashback to his days as a cop in "Baltimore."
Tony:Friday is crazed-PCP-addict night, Saturday is hooker night! Where are the hookers? [sees a couple of said "ladies" being escorted into the squadroom] I mean, call girls. Hello, Sapphire.
In the same episode, there's Tony's first encounter with Gibbs:
Tony: I have a degree in Physical Education! I played varsity basketball at Ohio State! This isn't going to end well for you! Your money-laundering days— [runs through traffic and into the side of a car, then gets back up] —Are over!
From "Dead Air," after a bomb that was hidden in a barbecue grill at a softball game has exploded, and, in the process of ducking for cover, Ziva has rolled on top of Tony.
It finally happens in Season 9 - Ziva gets a speeding ticket. For going eighty in a forty. It's also tempting to call the cop who was unfortunate enough to pull her over to have had a Moment Of Awesome for pulling her over and surviving.
Ziva: Do you ever think he actually LIKES being smacked in the head?
McGee: I try not to think about it.
In the Christmas Episode "Newborn King", the entire cookie interrogation scene. It works, and their suspect eventually crushes a cookie in his fist out of frustration.
Tim: (sadly) Aw, not the frosted cut-outs...
In the same episode, when Lt. Reynolds goes into labor, she manages to keep a positive attitude via the power of snark:
Lt. Reynolds: My water just broke. I'm going into labour. ... Oorah?
In "Rekindled", a mood change occurs when Tony was the only agent ordering pizza while the others were taking security calls.
And then it turns out that Gibbs regards Tony's call as equally important to the others'.
Palmer is desperate to learn what Abby has planned for the bachelor party. Noodle Implements abound, and this◊ is her chosen party outfit...
Ziva tells Agent Borin that Tony and McGee can't come to take drinks 'cause they'll play with themselves and later, with each other. That doesn't go so well with the two.
"Devil's Trifecta": The looks on Gibbs' and Fornell's faces when they find out that their ex-wife, Diane, is now a federal IRS agent with a badge. Followed by the looks on all three of their faces when Vance announces that the three will be working jointly on the investigation.
To keep Diane safe, Gibbs and Fornell have her stay over at McGee's. There, they have an argument which ends with them sharing an awkward hug and falling asleep on the couch. As if that weren't hilarious enough, Gibbs and Fornell find them like that in the morning.
Fornell: Holy f—Fourth of July weenie roast. What the hell am I looking at? McGee: Boss, this is not what it looks like! Gibbs: What does it look like? Diane: We were talking and we fell asleep on the couch. Fornell: Intertwined like horny rabbits!
Of course, the team teases McGee for this. But for Gibbs and Fornell, the NCIS agent has been warned that the two men have the "propensity for violence."
After the case is closed, Vance comments that it worked out so well, he's thinking of having the trio as a permanent team whenever the three agencies need to work together. All three of them flee the office before he can finish making the offer.
Mossad Deputy Director Ilan Bodnar storms into NCIS and begins making demands.
Bodnar: I want answers!
Ducky: Take a number.
Bodnar: And whose grandfather are you?
Ducky: That depends. Who's your grandmother?
Kev:[shouting angrily in Arabic]
Tony: You can stop the act now, Kev.
Kev: I only said "How was that for improv?"
How do Ducky and Jimmy determine who will drive the van on the way back to NCIS from a crime scene? They flip a finger bone.
Jimmy telling Ducky that he wants to dissect his brain after the older M.E. has passed away.
Episode 18 has a really funny one involving Dobermans.
Pitt: You have four seconds. Tony: Excuse me. Four seconds for what? Tim: Tony, RUN!! [cue dogs chasing down the agents, Tim locking himself in the car, Tony leaping onto the roof of the car and in through the sunroof headfirst] Tony: Way to be a team player, McGee! Tim: I'm sorry! I panicked, okay?