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Funny: NCIS
NCIS is a Long Runner because most episodes are filled with Crowning Moments of Funny.

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     Season 1 
  • Early in the first episode, with Ducky and Tony scrambling to get photos at the President's desk, while Gibbs isn't looking (even though he's well aware of it).
    • And even though Gibbs calls them out on it, a second earlier he went into the President's lavatory to relieve himself.
    • Also, the fact that they practically stole Air Force One!
  • From the episode "Sea Dog":
    (Tony tries to speak sign language)
    Gibbs: You should wash your hands with soap for saying that.
    • Actually has some basis in fact; making up signs is considered very rude by the deaf community.
  • There's Tony's fashion (ahem) suggestion to Kate.
    Kate: [You got me] a bikini.
    Tony: (grinning) Two piece.
    Kate: A bottom...and a hat.
    Tony: Puerto Rican style.
  • And in the eighth episode...Tony, meet iguana.
  • The joke about Tony shooting the paper hostage's ear off...and at the end of the episode we see the same situation with the same result in real life (the hostage seems more focused on the fact that he's seeing his family again and being, y'know, alive).
  • Then there's this:
    Suspect: You're wrong!
    Gibbs: I try so hard not to be wrong, don't I, Kate?
    Kate: You're very conscientious in that regard, Gibbs.
    Suspect: What, you're insinuating I had something to do with Tom Eagen's death?
    Gibbs: I try so hard not to insinuate, don't I, Kate?
    Kate: You rarely insinuate, Gibbs.
  • This exchange in episode 12:
    Tony: Six letter word for a reason to commit a crime?
    Kate: (rolls eyes)
    Tony: C'mon, don't tense up...starts with 'M'.
    Kate: Murder.
    Tony: No, motive.
    Kate: Murder is a motive.
    Gibbs: (walking in) What do you have?
    Tony: Six letter word for a reason to commit a crime.
    Gibbs: DiNozzo.
    Tony: That's seven letters.
    Gibbs: Works for me.
  • Tony is having trouble with chopsticks, so he asks if Kate got soup. She hands it to him, he starts sipping...and Gibbs comes in stating that better not be his.
    Tony: (panicked expression) Gibbs ordered soup?
    Kate: (nods, smiling)
    • In the same episode...
    Gibbs: Reminds me of your place, DiNozzo. Except for the minty-fresh urine smell.
    Tony: For your information, I have a maid now.
    Gibbs: You can afford a maid?
    Tony: It's amazing what you can afford when you don't have to pay three alimonies.
    (Gibbs shines flashlight directly into Tony's eyes)
  • Some of the dialogue between Abby and Gibbs can qualify.
    Gibbs: Got anything, Abby?
    Abby: (sets down tool) This is the left rear tire off Commander Julius's car. (the tire they believed caused the victim to stop on the side of the road) Notice anything unusual?
    Gibbs: It's inflated.
    Abby: (with a little smile) Is that a guess? Or do you actually know where I'm going with this?
    Gibbs: (with a poker face) What do you think?
    Abby: Well, I don't know, that's why I asked you.
    Gibbs: Why don't you just tell me?
    Abby: So you don't know.
    Gibbs: I just want to make sure you know.
    Abby: Hm.
    Gibbs: Hm.
    Abby: We should play poker sometime.
    Gibbs: Yeah, we should.
  • A little exchange from episode 20 that pretty much sums up Gibbs.
    Tony: Remember the good old days, Kate?
    Kate: What good old days?
    Tony: When Gibbs would confide in us and treat us like peers.
    Kate: No.
    Tony: Good, I thought I was the only one.

     Season 2 
  • There's one in the very first episode. McGee is working on something under Kate's desk...then Kate comes and finds him. Her reaction is less than pleased, especially when she notices he's in the exact right position to see up her skirt (he actually doesn't look). Cue chewing out. But the real payoff is later, when Kate has to stand on his shoulders to get on a roof.
    Kate: Are your eyes closed?
    McGee: (eyes tightly shut) Yes!
    Kate: Well, then, open them before you kill us!
    McGee: But you said this morning -
    Kate: McGee, can't you tell when someone is kidding with you?
    McGee: I used to, and then I met you guys.
    • And then, in a later episode, the same situation happens with Tony. He's barely kept at bay by her threat to 'drop' the knife she's holding.
  • In the fifth episode, Tony is trolling McGee full throttle. So it's satisfying (and hilarious) when Tony grins, holds out his half-eaten sandwich to McGee, asks if he wants any...and see McGee casually take the sandwich, eat a large bite and hand it back with a 'thanks'. Tony throws it away directly afterward.
  • And in the sixth episode, we have the spectacularly idiotic actions of a teenager under the team's protection. Tony's comment when Kate catches him listening to the girl being chewed out by her parents is just icing on the cake.
    Tony: Sneaking your horny boyfriend into a house filled with armed federal agents who are on the lookout for Al Qaeda assassins; that's wrong, Kate. Me, I'm just trying to gather some valuable intel so I can do my job better.
    (Kate gives him a look)
    (Tony gives her a look back)
    (They both put their ears against the door)
  • From 'Call of Silence', when Yost 'escapes'. The team's bland assurances that they'll find him are hilarious to watch when they get chewed out by the prosecutor and they don't really seem to care. Especially funny when McGee says he's keeping an eye on buses, train stations, taxi cabs...walker rentals.
  • As much as you gotta feel for McGee in these situations, any time he has a run-in with poison ivy sets up a number of these.
    • Especially when he reveals to Dr. Mallard that he got it in a somewhat more....personal area.
    McGee: This is, uh...this is kinda embarrassing...
    Ducky: I'm a doctor, McGee. I've seen everything there is to see more times than I care to remember.
    (McGee drops his pants)
    Ducky: Good Lord.
    • Even better, Palmer walks in, and McGee gets "caught with his pants down."
    McGee: If Tony finds out about this, I'll never hear the end of it.
    Ducky: Don't worry, your secret is safe with me.
    Palmer: (walks in) Doctor, I got the new forms you reque—(sees McGee standing in front of Ducky with his pants down) ... I'll come back later... (leaves)
    Ducky: Him, I'm not too sure about.
  • Much of season two's "Bikini Wax", including Kate's criticism of Public Exposure in regards to women, just before she starts ogling some men doing the same.
    • Best part is the dialogue:
    Tony: The human body is a beautiful thing, and I think it should be admired.
    Kate: Yeah, right. [opens door] You're right, Tony, the human body is a beautiful thing. *dopey grin*
    [camera reveals the US Water Polo Team, wearing watch caps, speedos, and a lot of oil]
    • The aforementioned episode ends with Tony finding the photo of Kate in the wet T-shirt contest, which in one of the next episodes he lords over her, much to her embarrassment. At the end of that episode, she reveals a Photoshopped pic (courtesy of Abby) of two dudes in cheesecake poses, one with Tony's head. They agree to delete the pics together...but when they do, Gibbs' e-mail chime goes off twice. Both realize what's happened and beat a hasty retreat. Gibbs, looking a bit puzzled, checks his e-mail. The expression on his face just before the credits is priceless.
      • The scene where Tony discovers the wet T-shirt photo has him breaking into an Evil Laugh.
  • The exchange towards the end of "The Bone Yard", between Gibbs and mob brat Little Ricky.
    • Jimmy Napolitano, local mob boss and Little Ricky's dad, threatens Gibbs with the death of his father, brothers, and uncles (followed by his own after their funerals) if he screws the prisoner exchange they agree to up. Gibbs explains that all the mentioned relatives are already dead (Though in later seasons he's proved to be lying about his father being dead), but if Jimmy likes, he can pass on the names and addresses of his ex-wives...Jimmy hangs up before he can finish.
    • Early in the episode, Kate catches McGee gawking at her stretching in the gym, shortly before Gibbs has them work out together. The session goes rather cordially until the end, at which point Kate makes him pay for it.
    • Actually, just about the entire episode is back-to-back-to-back CMoFs.
    Gibbs: Some guy tried to outrun a 500-pound bomb.
    Kate: And?
    Gibbs: He lost.
  • Kate singing "Outrageous" by Britney Spears in the shower. And Tony mocking her for it.
  • In the episode "SWAK" the whole team has to take a hazmat shower. Just...look it up.
    Gibbs: (in a slightly sad voice) No card.
  • In the episode "Meat Puzzle" just about every scene involving Ducky's mother is a CMOF:
    • When she first meets Kate. The look on Mrs.Mallard's face is priceless, especially when you add her next lines:
    Mrs. Mallard: Show me your knickers!!
    Kate: Pardon?!
    Mrs. Mallard: Your underwear dearie! (creepy low voice) One can always tell a woman's intentions from her panties!
    • The scene where Gibbs abandons Tony for more Nanny duty with Mrs. Mallard. Just the tone of voice as he pleads with Gibbs not to leave him there is hilarious. It's like Puppy-Dog Eyes in sound form, except that it doesn't work on Gibbs:
    Tony: NO BOSS!! NOOO BOSS!! YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!! I'm on the verge man!! (Gibbs gets into his car and drives away) I'M GONNA GO POSTAL!!!
    • Also, earlier, Kate finds Tony knows her boyfriend.
    Kate: Steve Adler is your fraternity brother?
    Tony: I'd show you the secret handshake, but then I'd have to kill you.
  • Tony and Kate's argument at the beginning of 'Pop Life'. Really, any of their arguments, but this one is especially notable because of the conversation when they try to get a mediator.
    (Tony and Kate come into Autopsy heatedly arguing about Tony stealing part of Kate's lunch)
    Ducky: (cutting in as they start shouting) Excuse me! Show a little respect; this is a place of peace and dignity.
    Tony: That was, before Kate got here.
    Kate: (elbows him in the ribs and walks over to the table) We need a mediator, Ducky. Or I'll have to go to Employee Relations.
    Tony: Which would be tattling.
    Kate: No, going to Employee Relations is not tattling.
    Tony: It's the adult version of 'I'm telling mommy'.
    Kate: You are so juvenile.
    Tony: Am not.
    Kate: Are so!
    Tony: Am not!
    Kate: (takes deep breath) Ducky, we need an unofficial mediator.
    Ducky: Did you try Gibbs?
    (Tony and Kate make faces)
    Ducky: Well, yes, I see your point.
    Kate: We thought of McGee.
    Tony: But we have no respect for him.
    Kate: And then we thought of you.
    Ducky: I see. Third on the short list. Well, at least I beat out Abby.
    Tony: Well, we just came from there.
    Kate: She turned us down.
    Ducky: Oh.
    • In the next episode, their bickering is turned Up to Eleven. They actually hiss at each other.
  • Tony and Kate coming to McGee's apartment and ransacking the place. Their comments and general offhand demeanor are hilarious as they mine his geekiness for all it's worth. But the real gut-buster is when, after they've left, a very attractive woman in very short sleepwear comes out of the bedroom calling for Tim. She then proceeds to pick up the headset and resume McGee's computer game.
  • Gibbs demonstrating how two victim's necks were broken...on Tony. Tony, understandably, is reluctant to be the demonstration.

     Season 3 
  • "Good God, man! Use the clutch! No, you're stripping the gears!"
    • "This is too painful, Doctor." The speaker here is Ari Haswari, who just murdered one team member, shot at another, and for all Ducky, whose clutch is being destroyed, knows, is about to kill him.
  • Ziva first going to a crime scene with her new coworkers.
    Ziva: What about me?
    Gibbs: You're coming along strictly as an observer. Hand me all your weapons.
    (Ziva rolls her eyes)
    (Gibbs gives her a look)
    Ziva: (realizing he's serious) Is that really necessary?
    (Gibbs holds out his hand)
    Ziva: Right.
    (hands him her gun)
    Gibbs: (puts gun in his drawer) And your backup.
    Ziva: What backup?
    Gibbs: Left leg.
    Ziva: Oh. That one. (hands it to him)
    Gibbs: And the knife concealed at your waist.
    (Ziva stares at him, rolls her eyes again and gives him the knife with a 'why am I surprised' look)
    Gibbs: (hands it back) You can keep this. I just want you to know that I know.
  • The first time Ziva drives the truck — she drives down the wrong side of the road. While the others scream and throw up, and cars honk and squeal in the background, she remains so calm it's hilarious.
    • Although Israelis drive on the right, Ziva says she was just on a six month mission in the UK, which explains her driving on the wrong side. Also, she drives fast because it's the best way to avoid IEDs, and Israelis tend to drive in an offensive, rather than defensive manner.
    • Jenny's delayed warning is telling.
    Jenny: I think she was an eastern European cab driver in a former life.
  • When a murder happens live on a porn feed, Abby has to comb through the rest of it. She has this to say:
    Abby: I have consumed more porn than Tony has in his lifetime.
    Abby: Okay, maybe not, but I have watched a lot of smut.
  • Gibbs fails to show for an award ceremony. His excuse: he was working a case. He fills Jenny in on the details, which don't amount to much.
    Jenny: [W]hy aren't you there?
    Gibbs: I just got the call five minutes ago.
    Jenny: Oh. And the awards ceremony started thirty minutes ago!
    Gibbs: Well, you know me, I like to get a head start on things.
  • Abby's take on They Call Me Mister Tibbs:
    Abby: Thank you, sir.
    Gibbs: Don't call me "sir".
    Abby: Thank you, ma'am. [walks off]
    • Topped off with the chuckle Gibbs gives a moment later; you just know she's the only person on Earth who could get away with that and not get Gibbs Slapped into oblivion.
    • Same episode has a security guard call Ziva "ma'am". She is not amused.
  • When Tony is framed for murder, all the evidence seems to point to him, much to Abby's displeasure. When she finds contrary evidence, she perks right up.
    Abby: (With gospel preacher accent) For a moment, ah lost my faith in...But now I know, that forensics was just testing me. And ah will rise up, and find the man who did this to Tony (voice spontaneously echoes) and ah will CRUCIFY HIM!
    (Abby's assistant turns away from her slowly with a freaked out expression - because he did it)
    • Almost as funny is her apology a few episodes later - black roses.
    Tony: (reading the card) 'Get Well Soon'?
    Abby: They didn't have a card that said 'Sorry I Almost Sent You To Prison' at the flower shop.
    Tony: 'Almost'? You actually did send me to prison.
    Abby: (wincing) Well, not for good.
  • Headslap by proxy: Tony makes a smart remark while Gibbs is across the room.
    Gibbs: Slap him, Ziva.
  • From "Head Case":
    Tony: ...It looks like this guy did an episode of Trading Spaces with Satan.
  • Gibbs puts the deadpan in Deadpan Snarker.
    (Gibbs is staring at McGee as the team gets in the elevator)
    McGee: Something wrong, Boss?
    Gibbs: Just admiring your feminine glow.
    • In context, it's even funnier.
    • In the same episode, Gibbs pets Tony's head. It was mostly sarcastic, but there's really no way to watch that without cracking up.
    • There's a lot of odd touching in that episode.
    Gibbs: DiNozzo, why are you touching [McGee's] face?
    Tony: I dunno, Boss. Feels good though, kinda like a bunny rabbit -
    (Gibbs Slap)
  • In the Season 3 episode "Bloodbath", Abby is kidnapped by a stalker posing as a federal agent. Gibbs and DiNozzo run towards the van where she is being held, hearing (Narm-y) muffled screaming. The doors open to reveal... the screaming was from Abby tasing the captor.
    Abby: And don't look up my skirt!
    • In that same episode, Abby gets drunk while hiding out in Gibbs' basement. On top of her slurred ramblings, his expressions as she clumsily swings his sharp tools around, then breaks off a piece of his boat, are priceless.
    • There's also the Running Gag of the team being surprised about Abby having an enemy, and comments that if it were Tony, well, that wouldn't be out of the ordinary...
  • In the episode "Under Covers", the armed confrontation between the FBI and NCIS agents, which took about 10 seconds of inaudible yelling and screaming.
    • "Under Covers" also gives us Tony and Ziva's first night sharing a bed under said FBI agents' surveillance. At first it seems Tony is a very loud snorer, but a second later it is revealed to actually be Ziva, with Tony not even being able to sleep due to her snoring.
    • The next morning, when Ziva wakes up Tony by pouring water on his head, Tony (wearing nothing but his boxers) leaps up into a combat-stance on the bed calling out "Getting into position, boss!" before remembering where he is.
  • Gibbs catching a fleeing murderer by shooting him in the butt with a rifle.
  • In "Hiatus part 1", Abby manages to get into the ICU by rambling hysterically to the head nurse about, among other things, how long it took to get there, how she and Gibbs are closer than family, and how the picture on her ID is definitely, definitely her, all while emptying a bizarre array of objects out of her purse in search of her ID. All below, said in a manic babble.
    Abby: McGee said that Gibbs was in a bomb blast. He tried to sound really calm, but I could hear the fear in his voice and he should be afraid, for Gibbs to be brought to the hospital in the ambulance could not be good. I had to come see for myself and my hearse got a flat as usual so, um, I got in a cab to go to the airport and then I realized that, that by the time I got to the terminal and, and I bought a ticket and then I went through security and then I flew to Norfolk and then I got a cab here it would be better just to stay in the cab that I was in so I did that, it cost a lost of, you know what it doesn't matter what it cost because this is Gibbs we're talking about. I can't believe that he's hurt he is never hurt, not hurt enough to go to a hospital. He has to be dying to even go see a doctor. Oh my God. He isn't dying is he? I dunno what I would do. Positive thoughts, positive thoughts, positive thoughts. Okay, I know the rule is that you have to be family to go into Emergency, at least that's what they said when Uncle Charlie got his leg caught in a nurtia trap, but Gibbs and me, we're tighter than blood. I know you need ID, I have ID in here. Um, I work at NCIS, uh, forensics, and, uh, ballistics, chemical analysis and DNA typing. Uh, here, um, that's me, I promise, I just, I had to be in court that day but I swear, that is me.
  • A flashback from when Gibbs was Franks's probie:
    Franks: My brother and I married the same woman twice.
    Gibbs: Twice?
    Franks: She was a hell of a woman, Probie!
    • In the same episode, Abby and McGee are discussing how horrible it would be to lose 15 years of your life.
    McGee: I'd still be in high school!
    Abby: (grimacing) Ugh! Yuck! Zits, braces, raging hormones...
    McGee: Yeah. I used to walk around all day with my notebook in front of my -
    (abruptly falls silent as Abby looks very interested)
    Abby: In front of your what, McGee?
    (McGee quickly changes subjects)
    Abby: So, was it one of those tiny spiral notebooks, or one of those big three-ring binders, Timmy?
    McGee: And where were you, fifteen years ago, Abby?
    (Abby quickly changes subjects)
  • How does Ziva jog Gibbs' memory? Takes his hand and uses it to slap herself on the back of the head. It somehow manages to be funny, heartwarming, and tear-jerking all at the same time.

     Season 4 
  • The first episode gives us a hypercaffeinated Abby. McGee advises on her sugar intake, whereupon she comments she's now eating for two. The look on McGee's face is priceless, even if she didn't mean it like that.
    (Ziva gives background on a former Mossad colleague of hers)
    Gibbs: Who's supposed to be dead.
    Ziva: Apparently, he's gotten better.
  • Abby's delayed reaction to realizing Gibbs is back.
    • After they have a short conversation, Gibbs turns to the camera in the lab and asks 'Unless the three of you have any suggestions?' Cut to the squadroom, where Tony, McGee and Ziva are watching the lab feed with hilariously startled expressions on their faces.
    Tony: Ah - (switching to callscreen) Hey. We were - we were just, ah, eavesdropping like little girls - but we do have suggestions!
    • Then Abby gets so paranoid that Gibbs will leave again that she takes drastic measures. As in, handcuffing herself to him.
    • Also in the same episode, Tony hits on a comparing their situation to The Fugitive. What sells it is Ziva walking in in the middle of his comparison and whispering to McGee.
    Ziva: What happened? We've been avoiding the word 'fugitive' for the last two days.
    McGee: He made the connection himself.
  • There's Ziva's comment on Tony finding evidence.
    Ziva: Tony just put his hand in another man's pocket and it made him very happy.
  • In "Singled Out", Ziva goes undercover as a geek at a speed dating session. Among other things, she tells one of the speed daters that her brother told her she was attractive, and she can't seem to get a grasp on how to act appropriately geeky. Of course, Gibbs (watching from MTAC) and DiNozzo are enjoying watching her goof up.
    Gibbs: And do turn up the charm, Ziva David. You're a geek. Not mentally deranged.
  • The first scene we see Palmer and Agent Lee together - and we immediately see they've apparently been together before and enjoy it immensely.
    • In "Friends And Lovers", we get a normal conversation between Gibbs and Ducky, discussing the victim, how he died, the message the killer left behind, how the method of death could mean there are potentially dozens of at-risk targets, and so on. They then leave - and Palmer and Lee come out from under a covered autopsy table where they were squeezed together for the entire time.
  • The first encounter with Army CID Colonel Hollis Mann.
    Tony: What's happening?
    Ziva: Gibbs just met his fourth ex-wife.
  • Tony's snarky excuse to Ziva about a call from a hospital. A million Yaoi Fangirls squealed their heads off.
    Tony: I'm pregnant. McGee's going to be very proud.
  • From "Smoked", which revolved around a body found in a chimney in said condition.
    Ducky: Well, as the moisture was lost, the victim’s tissue – which protected the vital organs – shrank. You see these little black dots?
    Fornell: Um... um... Oh, yeah.
    Ducky: He was stabbed repeatedly and fatally.
    Fornell: With what? A safety pin?
    Ducky: As I just explained, the shrinkage of the flesh is deceptive. Most likely it was an ice pick or a Phillips-head screwdriver.
    • Earlier in the same episode:
    Tony: Guy looks like a piece of beef jerky, Duck.
    (some non-relevant dialogue)
    Gibbs: How'd he die?
    Ducky: Well, the "how" I'm still working on...It's made particularly difficult by the means by which his body was preserved. He was, quite literally, smoked inside that chimney.
    Ziva: Smoked?
    Ducky: Yea, like a fine cut of meat.
    Tony: ...So he really is a beef jerky.
  • This clip from "Suspicion".
    Tony: Keep scrolling, probie.
    McGee: I am scrolling, I'm telling you I can't find it.
    Tony: It's not on the map.
    McGee: Boondocks.
    Tony: Boondocks, Boss!
    Gibbs [walking into the office area with Ziva]: Pack a toothbrush.
    Ziva: What are boondocks?
    [Tony and McGee stare at each other]
    Tony: Ba na now now now now now now now.
    McGee: Da na nong nong nong nong nong nong nong.
    Tony: Ba na now now now now now now now.
    McGee: Da na nong nong nong nong nong nong nong.
    [the two continue to imitate "Dueling Banjos" for the entire ride there]
    • Made funnier from Ziva's look of "This does not answer my question. What the hell are you doing?" and Gibbs' look to Tony of "You're gonna do that the whole ride up there, aren't you?"
    • Tony's date with Jeanne in the same episode. He comes to the hospital, and upon finding out she can't leave that night, pulls everything to make a nice date out of his car (chairs, table, rose, wine, food, cutlery, etc.).
    Jeanne: This is like a scene from an old movie.
    (Tony suddenly looks away shiftily)
    Jeanne: Wait a second. Is this a scene from an old movie?
    Tony: Ah. Well, that - really depends.
    Jeanne: On?
    Tony: Have you ever seen a movie called Strangers In The Night with Carey Grant?
    Jeanne: I don't think so.
    Tony: Then no, this is a completely original idea that I came up with all by myself.
  • The reaction of the first person to go into Gibbs's basement after he has finished and removed his first boat.
  • While they are driving to someone's house, Tony and Ziva have one of their usual conversations where Ziva gets confused by a metaphor. At the end, they get out of the car at their destination, still arguing. Then Tony looks confused at the turn the conversation has taken.
    Ziva: After we find the pirate's copy of Ares.
    Tony: Pirated.
    Ziva: That's what I said.
    Tony: No you said pirate's. A pirate's a person like Captain Jack Sparrow.
    Ziva: Who's Captain Jack Sparrow?
    Tony: Johnny Depp.
    Ziva: (in a dreamy voice) He's a pirate?
    Tony: No, he's a...How did we get here?
    Ziva: I drove?
  • Season four episode "Driven" begins with Team Gibbs attending a sexual harassment lecture and demonstrating why - between Abby hugging people with her mind, Ziva licking Tony's ear, and nobody quite having the guts to mention Gibbs's fondness for the Dope Slap - it's generally for the best that they usually manage to skip these lectures. See it here.
    • Jimmy Palmer is the scene-stealer. "WHY are you touching dead naked people?"
      • He also in inadvertently owns her in that scene, too, responding to her accusatory question with "Well, I work in autopsy, so..."
    • Later, when Abby gets pulled from a trap in a vehicle, even after being in serious danger, she asks, "Permission to hug?"
    • Also, at the start of the scene, as the camera pans around you can clearly see a male agent by the door who is fast asleep.
    • Generally described as "Team Gibbs meets Sensitivity Training. Team Gibbs wins."
  • At the beginning of "Escaped" we learn that McGee overbleached his teeth the night before. He spends the entire episode keeping his mouth as closed as possible so his teeth are never seen, with Tony trying to get a look and the rest of the team offering tips on how to darken them. Finally, at the end when they arrive at work to see Gibbs has returned from his 10-Minute Retirement, the camera pans across the stunned faces of Ziva, Tony, until it comes to McGee with a big goofy grin on his face, showing off the brightest teeth ever. It even gets a joke in the "grey-out," complete with a Twinkle Smile and an Audible Gleam. See it here.

     Season 5 
  • Everyone fessing up to raiding Tony's things after his supposed death mere hours before in "Bury Your Dead."
    Abby: Everybody else gave you up for dead, even Ziva.
    Ziva: OK, so I may have acted a little hastily.
    Tony: That's my letter opener.
    Ziva: Excellent balance and weight. The edge is a little dull, but I've always admired it.
    Tony: Where's my American Pie coffee mug?
    Abby: Palmer.
    Tony: Mighty Mouse stapler?
    Abby: Ducky... Hey, Ducky.
    (Ducky is attempting to stealthily return the stapler when he's spotted)
    Ducky: My dear fellow, I never believed it for a moment. Welcome home.
  • From the episode "Ex-File": We have Colonel Hollis Mann (current girlfriend), Jenny Shepherd (former lover), and Stephanie Bronwyn Flynn (ex-wife number 2). Any scene between the three of them and Gibbs.
  • Gibbs drinks a lot of coffee...
  • In 'Identity Crisis', the team is being briefed of a terrorist they're after, but Tony is behaving even more juvenile than usual; poking Ziva's ear, musing on the abundance of 'K's in the terrorist's name, making a comically dismayed face when told to shut it...Really, the whole scene.
  • Phone conversation between Abby and the others, who are investigating aboard a rat-infested and possibly haunted naval vessel:
    McGee: I'm dealing with my boat phobia, Tony's dealing with his rat phobia, and Ziva's dealing with her ghost phobia.
    Abby: What's Gibbs dealing with?
    Gibbs: (snatching phone from McGee) Them.
  • Season 5, where DiNozzo and McGee are caught in an awkward position by a therapist...who thinks they're in for marriage counseling.
    • "I love you, McGee."
    • In the same episode, Abby's impersonation of Gibbs. While at his desk, wearing his reading glasses. And then the camera pans over to reveal him behind her, which she realizes without any indication at all because....well, it's Gibbs.
  • From "Requiem", Even distraught Tony, having just saved Gibbs from drowning, attempts to avoid administering CPR.
    Tony: Don't do this to me! Don't make me kiss you, Boss!
    • Later in the episode, a more-than-usually flustered Abby shows up at autopsy to collect a dead Marine's clothes and fingernail scrapings, and tries to shoo Ducky and Gibbs out of "[her] lab" so that she can get on with the processing. Gibbs and Ducky exchange a look as it slowly dawns on Abby that she isn't in her lab.
  • Ziva fails to read between the lines that when Washington PD says they're hand-delivering evidence, it really means they'll invite themselves in on the investigation. After detectives have arrived and set up in the squadroom and the predictable (half-whispered) argument between Tony and Ziva:
    Ziva: (whispering to Tony and looking rather annoyed/amused at his accusations) This is not my fault!
    Tony: Will Gibbs see it that way?
    (Ziva suddenly looks slightly apprehensive.)
    • Later, Tony and Ziva get to a remote place and are fighting over the map.
    (both grab the map, pull it back and forth for a few seconds and glare at each other)
    Ziva: I am a trained navigator, Tony.
    Tony: Yeah, well, I got an 'A' in Geography. (Ziva gives him a 'what?' look) Plus, I'm Senior Field Agent. I'm pulling rank.
    (both tug at the map again and Ziva glares at him)
    Ziva: I'm also a trained assassin. Hm?
    Tony: We'll shoot for it.
    Ziva: Best two out of three.
    • Tony wins. And goes off in the wrong direction.
  • Season five's "Corporal Punishment": "My fingers are finging."
    • And the beginning of that episode with Tony quoting from The Fugitive.
    Tim: Hey! The "Tommy Lee Jones Speech", every time we have a fugitive, really?
    Tony: Go ahead.
    McGee: As hard as she can.
    Tony: As hard as she can.
    McGee: You know, that's how Houdini died.
    Tony: Ziva, did you kill Houdini?
    Ziva: It is possible; I do not remember all their names.
  • In "Tribes", Gibbs' meeting an old buddy of his, and actually reacting the way other people do when meeting old friends. Just seeing Jenny's face as he laughs and jokes along with the previously stone-faced FBI agent is hilarious. It's rather jarring to see him acting like, you know, a normal person.
  • In "Dog Tags," McGee is attacked by a seemingly vicious dog, while the rest of the teem looks at the Crime scene inside. Then McGee's gun fires. They run outside and find McGee getting up while the dog is whimpering on the ground. During this whole scene a really loud and obnoxious song. While were looking at the wounded dog, the last lines of the song before the opening credits are "Bad dog, no biscuit!"
    • Also from "Dog Tags," when the dog lovingly named Jethro escapes from Abby's car, he makes a run for the forest and she chases after him. This dialogue follows:
    Abby: Jethro! JETHRO!!
    Two jogging marines passing by: I'm Jethro!
  • While the team is under investigation, Abby is being questioned. Hilarity Ensues.
    Fornell: Abby -
    (Abby hold up finger and takes a loooong slurp of Caf-Pow! while Fornell looks slightly exasperated)
    Abby: (sets down soda) Mighty generous.
    Fornell: I've gone over your results regarding the case in question -
    Abby: There's a problem with your theory of the crime. Like, a big hole. I could drive a truck through it. Well, I - I may not be able to drive a truck through it because I was never that great with a double-clutch, but - but a truck driver could just - (motions with hand)
    Fornell: Care to share?
    Abby: Well, it's obvious. I - I mean you think there's a murder here, like right underneath Gibbs' nose. That whatever took place took place without Gibbs knowing.
    Fornell: And that could never happen.
    Abby: I'm gonna share a secret with you. It's a theory, that I've been working on. Off the books.
    (Looks around in an exaggerated manner while Fornell tries not to roll his eyes)
    Abby: (half-whispering) Okay. The magic. Like, dark magic. He has eyes and ears everywhere. He - he appears like a (motions) mist. And whenever I get a clue, he just...(motions again) materializes.
    Fornell: (leans forward and trying not to use a condescending tone) Maybe he bugged your lab.
    Abby: No. (beat, smiles mischeviously) I checked.
    Fornell: (stares for a moment, then visibly decides to change track) What's that like? It sounds aggravating.
    Abby: No.
    Fornell: Does he ever get angry?
    (montage of Gibbs Dope Slapping the team and demonstrating a nasty-looking Neck Snap technique on Tony and McGee)
    Abby: Never.
  • Ziva performing Percussive Maintenance.
    Ziva: (kicks copy machine) DIE, you stupid machine!
    McGee: (watching from a safe distance) She seems unfazed.
    Tony: Those are standard Mossad-style copy-machine assault tactics, McGee. She's fine.
  • In "Judgment Day, Part 1", Ziva and Tony are away guarding Director Sheppard at a funeral, and Gibbs is in another part of HQ. McGee comes in late... and sees Abby at Ziva's desk and Ducky at Tony's desk, impersonating them both, including a fake accent and Ducky putting his feet up on the table. When McGee asks where Gibbs is, Palmer rushes in with a perfect Gibbs impression... after which Gibbs actually arrives. It turns out that autopsy and forensics had been closed for a cleaning or a security sweep (something like that) and Abby, Ducky and Palmer just had nothing else to do.
    • Abby's Mop!Ziva and Broom!Tony. Who McGee draws a mustache on.

     Season 6 
  • Abby filling Tony in on what he's missed during his time as Agent Afloat.
    Abby: Sister Rosita bowled a 260 last week! And I finally watched The Titanic. It sinks at the end - very weird.
  • Abby's hunt for the person who ate her cupcake. The suspects: Tony, Ziva, McGee, Gibbs, Ducky, and Therman Addeberry, the night watchman.
  • In "Heartland", which is the investigation takes place in Gibbs's hometown, it is discovered that Gibbs has a father leading to this hilarious scene where Tony, Ziva and McGee speculate on how Gibbs came to this world.
    Tony: So many questions! My mind is... (spins office chair) ...spinning with questions! I mean, have you ever thought about it? He actually came from somewhere! He didn't just appear, y'know; he didn't just start Gibbs, he was a boy, and then he grew!
    McGee: Nice.
    Tony: He is the avatar of Vishnu. He was sent to be the left hand of Yahweh. He was grown in a cabbage patch. I'm trying to pose a serious metaphysical question here!
    • With the team needing to pursue a lead in Gibbs' hometown, Team Gibbs is preparing to hit the road... with one exception.
    Gibbs: DiNozzo!
    Tony: On your six, Boss!
    Gibbs: Follow up with the Taylor family.
    Tony: (stopping in his tracks) But I... (resigned) On it.
    (Ziva and McGee grin smugly as they join Gibbs in the elevator)
    Tony: I hate you. (Ziva and McGee grin wider as the doors close) Take l- take lots of pictures!
    • And in the same episode:
    Ziva & McGee: Gibbs has a father!
    Abby & Tony: Tell me everything!
  • In "Nine Lives":
    Ziva: No wonder he is keeping his cards so close to his breasts.
    • The team grabs their gear, follows Gibbs and Fornell toward the elevator, and -
    Gibbs: (as door closes) Let me know if he moves.
    Tony: Probably best if we hang back.
    Ziva: Same thing I was thinking.
    McGee: Couldn't agree more.
    • But the true CMoF of the episode has to be this line:
  • From "Murder 2.0":
    (Taking photos of a shower that dispensed blood)
    Tony: "My mother isn't quite herself today."
    (Ziva gives him a weird look)
    Tony: Psycho.
    Ziva: You certainly have your moments.
    Tony: "Mother...blood. Blood!"
    Ziva: (to Gibbs) Psycho.
    Gibbs: He has his moments.
    Vance: You must have really pissed someone off[, Gibbs].
    Tony: That's not a short list. (Gibbs looks at him) - of people that - that you've angered - just because you have rock-solid principles so it's easy for people to misunderstand that - and - misconstrue - cause, y'know - people don't -
    Vance: Why don't you quit while you're behind, DiNozzo.
    Tony: I'm trying.
  • Tony's interrogation technique.
    Tony: I know a little about suits, and that one's pretty expensive, huh?
    Suspect: You brought me here to compliment me on my suit?
    Tony: How'd you get those teeth so white? You cap 'em? You like to use those whitening strips?...How about the mouth guard with the gunky gel in it? You use one of those? How do you do it?
    (Suspect pinches the bridge of his nose in exasperation, camera switches to McGee and Dwayne in observation)
    McGee: Tony has his own style. Sort of Dirty Harry meets Keystone Cop.
    Suspect: You got a serious question for me, Agent DiNozzo?
    Tony: Yeah. How's business, Paul?
    Suspect: Fine.
    Tony: (randomly paws at his ear) Ah. (grabs both his ears and pulls) Oh. (grins) That was a big one. Lies make my ears itch. You should know that.
  • From "Cloak":
    Ziva: What is this place?
    Soldier: It's classified.
    Tony: Classified? What have you got in there? Aliens? Bigfoot? Ark of the Covenant? That only leaves one thing.
    Ziva, Tony, and McGee (in unison): Unicorn!
    • Abby unexpectedly locking her lab door.
    (crack from door)
    McGee: Ow!
    Abby: (starts frantically hiding things) Just a second! I'm - in the shower!
    (finishes and opens door)
    McGee: (holding his nose) I hit my face on your door.
    Abby: Why'd you do that?
    (crack from door)
    Tony: Ah! Abby!
    (much later)
    (crack from door)
    Palmer: Ah! Ow. Abby? (door opens) Hey, your door's locked.
    Abby: I change one little thing, and you all lose your minds.
    McGee I say we go with a fire drill.
    Ziva: Please stop pitching the fire drill.
    Tony: Oh! Oh, I think I got it.
    McGee: We are not digging a tunnel.
    Ziva: Or building a catapult.
    McGee: Or setting up a series of pneumatic tubes - although I am partial to the concept.
  • Abby's concern over what to get Gibbs for Christmas.
    Abby: What do you get for the man who has nothing and wants nothing?
    Ducky: Squeaky shoes.
  • From the episode "Caged":
    Tony: You know McGee, sometimes a man can be loved more for his weaknesses than his strengths.
    Gibbs: (walks in) Well then DiNozzo, you must be one very well-loved man.
    • A little while later, McGee is sent to get the confession from a hardened suspect. Tony, of course, needles him about failure. Ziva supports him and expresses faith that he'll get it, citing that he's rather persuasive when he wants to be. After McGee leaves:
    Tony: He's toast, isn't he?
    Ziva: Oh yes. Burnt toast.
  • When Ducky's in the hospital in "Broken Bird", Abby lampshades how often the team is in danger:
    Abby: If I keep going to Crazy Town every time one of you gets hurt, I'm going to have to get my mail forwarded.
    • And, as usual, Tony:
    Tony: Your head really is shaped like an egg, you know that?
  • Gibbs inexplicably teleporting a Caf-Pow! into Abby's fridge.
    Abby: I don't know how you did that and I don't care! Thank you, Gibbs!
    • Claire.
  • Tony comes in with a hangover after taking some Japanese agents out for sake bombs. He keeps digging himself deeper accidentally.
    Dinozzo: Remind me to never have a hangover in Israel.
    Gibbs: DiNozzo.
    Dinozzo: Not that I have an hangover now, boss. You know I would never drink alone on a school night.
    Gibbs: Where were you last night?
    Dinozzo: ...Drinking.
    Gibs: You alone?
    Dinozzo: Of course not. (Beat) Not that there's anything wrong with drinking bourbon your basement...with a boat...
  • The team's reactions to Tony being the boss.
  • Tony's unfamiliarity with horses. Granted, many of us wouldn't do all that much better, but it's still laughable.
  • Palmer's Captain Obvious moment in "Knockout".
    Palmer: It's not likely he was killed by a bird.
    • Note that the guy was shot.
    • From the same episode:
    Ziva: You can't make an omelette without breaking a few legs.
    Tony: You're never making me breakfast.
  • In "Hide and Seek", the team learn that the murder weapon of the week was bought from a pawn shop by "Eddie Felson". Tony immediately asks, "'Fast Eddie' Felson?" McGee, not getting the reference, runs a database search on "Fast Eddie Felson"... and gets his character page on the Internet Movie Database.
    • McGee has accidentally run over a custom made set of golf clubs borrowed from Ducky, and spends the episode scrambling to buy a replacement set on eBay. Eventually, Tony snipes an auction with a $1200 bid, and offers to sell the clubs to McGee for $1300... except the clubs are left-handed, and Ducky is right-handed. Tony tries to blackmail McGee into buying the clubs anyway by threatening to tell Ducky what happened to the original... while Ducky is standing right behind him. Ducky tells a horrified McGee they can consider themselves even, as the autographed copy of Django Reinhardt's Crazy Rhythm he borrowed from McGee has also met an unfortunate yet unspecified fate.
    • Abby becoming attached to the maggots that were feeding on the dead body. She even changed her music for them!
  • Gibbs meeting Kort and finding two dead bodies with him is darkly amusing.
    Kort: I think they shot each other.
    Gibbs: That's your story?
    Kort: One I'm sticking to.
    McGee: Maybe something happened to him? He does live alone.
    Tony: (newsreporter voice) In a tragic story of obsessive hobbying turned deadly, an NCIS agent was discovered in his basement, crushed between a large homemade boat and an even larger bottle of bourbon. Film at eleven.
    • "You lied to me, Wall."
  • From "Toxic":
    • Frank.
    Tony: You name your teeth?
    Abby: You don't?

     Season 7 
  • The Season 7 premiere, "Truth or Consequences", has a hilarious pseudo-dream sequence as Tony explains to his (and Ziva and McGee's) captor, Saleem Ulman, that business as usual lost all meaning when the team thought Ziva had gone down with the Damocles.
    (the following are all delivered against an out-of-focus background and with heavily echoed voices)
    McGee: Blah blah blah, computer stuff. Blah.
    Ducky: (plops a file on Tony's desk) Autopsy report.
    Abby: Words. There's so many... words. And feelings... and stuff... and emotions! Thanks for listening.
    Gibbs: We got a dead Marine. Grab your gear. (cut to later) Missing kid. Grab your gear. (cut to still later) Some idiot smuggled a koala onto a submarine. Grab your gear.
    • And how did they track down Saleem Ulman? He mentions a caffeine addiction offhand early in his interrogation of Tony. It emerges that, while a Yale undergraduate, he developed a fondness for one beverage which, since it is unavailable in Europe and Africa, he is now using his supply network to import from the United States: Caf-Pow. The sight of the bright red soft drink pouring out of his canteen when he throws it across the room in a rage is priceless.
    • McGee's Not Listening to Me, Are You? moment.
    McGee: Been thinking about buying some tight red leather pants. You know, something that really cradles my butt.
    Tony: It's not normal.
    McGee: I'm kiddding, I'm not really gett -
    Tony: It's not normal that we haven't heard from Ziva.
  • From the "Reunion":
    • The team gets ahold of a video where a woman takes off her coat to trendy music in a seductive manner, then the camera cuts to Tony and McGee's faces as it continues.
    Tony: (looking as if he's thoroughly enjoying himself) That's illegal in most states.
  • In the third episode:
    • Tony, Ziva and McGee taking bets on what interrogation technique Gibbs will use.
    • Tony attempting to help McGee get out of a polygraph by trying to talk him into taking a picture of himself in a coffin and convincing the testers he's dead. McGee actually looks like he's considering it before the mortuary director comes back.
    • When stealing info from a car lot, Tony assures McGee several times that there are no dogs. You can guess what happens next.
  • In a callback to "Escaped" above, the end of "Code of Conduct". Well, this whole scene is a CMoF beginning with Abby rigging McGee's keyboard to foam and ending with Ziva tainting Tony's coffee to turn his teeth blue, a joke that, like McGee's overbleached teeth, continued into the "grey-out." Can't believe she pulled it off with a straight face.
  • From "Outlaws And In-Laws":
    • The team's argument over Ziva becoming an American citizen, which devolves into this:
    McGee: Do you have any idea what you're talking about?
    Tony: You bet your ass I do. I'm talking about the American Dream.
    Ziva: What do you know about the American Dream?
    Tony: Well, let's see. I'm a white male between the ages of 18 and 49 with a loud mouth and a gun. I am the American Dream.
    • Gibbs finished his boat a few years back, and when it reappears as a crime scene, what's Abby's priority?
    Tony: That's...
    Abby: Uh-huh.
    McGee: It's no longer in...
    Abby: Uh-huh.
    Ziva: This is Gibbs' boat.
    Abby: This is the crime scene. It was flown here on a C-130 cargo plane along with two bodies and all the evidence and now it is mine. It is aaaaaaaaaaall mine! So I can figure out the mystery.
    McGee: What mystery? Who the dead guys were?
    Ziva: Or who killed them?
    Tony: Or how they ended up on the boat?
    Abby: Sure, you guys should work on that. While I figure out how he got it out of the basement.
    • When Tony and Ziva are assigned to guard Mike Franks.
    (Tony comes in the door to a gun pointed at his face)
    Franks: DiNozzo! (lowers gun) Should have told me you were coming.
    Tony: (glaring) I called and you didn't pick up.
    Franks: I'm not gonna answer the phone; I'm a fugitive!
    Tony: So what do you want me to do?
    Franks: Knock.
    Tony: Why would I knock? There's no lock on that door.
    Franks: Someone may be on the other side with a gun?
    Tony: Why would somebody be standing on the other side with a gun?
    Franks: Because there's no lock on the door.
  • This little gem from "Endgame":
    Abby: (after giving Gibbs her usual report) What are you hiding?
    Gibbs: (holds up a Caf-Pow)
    Abby: Oh, no! It's too late; I can't.
    Gibbs: (holds up a "No Caf-Pow")
    Abby: Gibbs, you are an enabler. And I love you for it. (takes Caf-Pows)
  • The entire scene with McGee and Ziva trapped in the elevator in "Power Down."
    • "Book 'em, Dan-ozzo."
    • Tony clicking the remote that controls the electronic screen to get McGee to put up the information.
    • The gaming nerd calling for his mom.
  • From the episode with the savant girl who put the military signal in a collage:
    DiNozzo: (staring at the collage in question) It's like one of those hidden eye posters where if you stare at it for long enough it makes a picture...(Gibbs comes in and dope slaps him) That's it! It's out of focus! (camera focuses on his face; his eyes are unfocused) It's dolphins! In moonlight!
    • "Ziva, get on DiNozzo's shoulders."
  • From "Ignition," when Ziva gets frustrated over the Internet:
    Ziva: There is nothing good on the Internet anymore.
    McGee: Yeah, I think that Internet thing has just about run its course.
    Ziva: Pop-up ads, banner ads, video ads...I think this whole page may be an ad.
    McGee: An ad for what?
    Ziva: Hair-loss pills? This is a pill that makes people lose their hair?
    Tony: It's for growing hair.
    Ziva: Why would I need more hair?
    Tony: Not you. Men.
    Ziva: Like I need more men?
    • Palmer gets to do his first solo autopsy...on a squirrel.
    Palmer: Doctor Mallard, I am suddenly overcome with the desire to share a story of only a peripherally relevant nature.
    Ducky: Hazard of the profession, Mr. Palmer.
  • Tony is absent from a crime scene - so Ducky has to make the obligated movie reference.
  • From "Masquerade":
    • Tony's justification to break into a building. Since the building is foreclosed, it's owned by the bank, and since the people own the bank, technically, they own the building and can enter as they wish. Ziva can only respond with a Flat Wow.
  • "Jack Knife" had a running gag where McGee keeps trying to catch up to Gibbs, but keeps falling asleep in all the wrong places as a result. But then at the climax he drinks a coffee with lots of sugar and turns into a Motor Mouth.
    • After one such falling-asleep incident, he wakes up to find Tony and Ziva standing in front of him. He (quite justifiably) comes to the conclusion that they did something to him.
    McGee: (looking at cup) Did you try to put my hand in this water?
    Tony: That's a little juvenile.
    McGee: You drew on my face, didn't you? You drew on my face.
    Tony: (with a perfectly deadpan expression) No. I suggested stripping you naked, putting a tag on your toe and dragging you down to Autopsy so that when you woke up you'd think you were dead. (Beat) But Ziva thought it was in poor taste.
  • The entirety of Tony and McGee's Break Up Make Up Scenario subplot in "Guilty Pleasure". Bonus points for just dripping with Ho Yay.
  • After Abby has spent most of the episode drinking highly caffeinated drinks:
    Abby: Abby has to pee. (runs out of room)
  • Palmer mentions that whenever he is around sand, he gets a psychosomatic itch. He explains it's from when he played in sand that was going to be used for cement as a child, making him break out in welts.
    Ducky: It wasn't the sand, Mr. Palmer, but the sand mite.
    Palmer: Sand might what?
    Ducky: The sand mite bit you.
    Palmer: Sand bites?
    Ducky: Well, sand mites might bite.
    Palmer: I'm grammatically lost.
  • "Borderland": Abby performing a forensic Sherlock Scan on a bitchy policewoman...
    Abby: One orange tabby and two calicos. You're allergic to citrus. You went bowling last night, you're Vitamin D deficient. Oh, and you're ovulating. (class laughs)

     Season 8 
  • Abby's precise restrictions for her new lab intern. Considering what happened with the last two people who assisted her in her lab, can you really blame her?
    Abby: Also, you are not to touch my computer, my lab equipment, my MP3 player, my Caf-Pow!, my desk, or Burt, my farting hippo without my express written consent.
    Intern: Well, how am I going to do anything?
    Abby: And there's no cameras or flash photography.
    Intern: Oh, I don't have a camera.
    Abby: And if I accidentally turn my back to you, you're to immediately move back into my eyeline.
    Intern: Why don't I just wear bells?
    Abby: (cocks head and eyes widen) That's a really good idea. (starts rummaging around) I mean, I'm sorry about this. I mean, Darren worked out, but I just had problems with people that have been assigned to my lab. (holds out collar of bells) It'll just be better this way.
  • Gibbs delivers a Gibbs-smack to a cardboard cutout of Tony. Real-Tony flinches as if struck.
  • From "Royals And Loyals"
    • Tony makes to give McGee a smack, but he ducks - and then Gibbs smacks Tony.
    • On the Royal Navy ship that keeps trying to leave while the team is investigating a murder on board, Ziva and Tony are being escorted off when sirens start going off to signal some kind of engineering problem and delay the ship's departure until everything's checked. And then Gibbs pops out of a door holding a massive wrench...
    • After Gibbs provides the aforementioned delay:
    Ziva: What did Gibbs say we were looking for again?
    Tony: Pixie dust.
    Ziva: We are looking for drugs now?
    • Ziva's new security system on her computer - when Tony tries and fails to get into her email, the video camera records him and alarm bells begin to blare at top volume.
  • From "Dead Air," after a bomb that was hidden in a barbecue grill at a softball game has exploded, and, in the process of ducking for cover, Ziva has rolled on top of Tony.
    Tony: I miss the old Ziva.
    Ziva: I can tell.
  • From "Cracked":
    Tony: No, Boss, I'm sure you would never wear a leotard. But if you did, you could pull it off.
    • Role-play.
  • In "Enemies Foreign", we get Tony (of course) being attracted to a female Mossad agent and trying to find out if she's available.
    Tony: How long have you and Liat been together - as partners? You must be her first. (Beat) Partner, I mean.
    (Tony doesn't seem all that bothered about masking the innuendo and Malachi gives him a look that clearly states he knows what they're talking about)
    Malachi: She is young. When she lacks experience she makes up for with a passion I have never seen.
    Tony: (smiling) Am I...sensing something between the two of you?
    Malachi: (same little smile) Nothing serious.
    Tony: You haven't slept together, then.
    Malachi: No, of course we are sleeping together, it's just nothing serious.
  • From "Enemies Domestic": The flashback to 1999 of Vance talking about getting the office's computers ready for Y2K.
    • In the same episode, Eli David tells a bit of his history, including building a particular bomb.
    Abby: He knew how to do it. He just confessed to knowing how to build the murder weapon. I mean, come on. How many people know how to build a homemade claymore mine?
    Malachi: In this room?
    (Malachi, Liat and Ziva raise their hands)
    Abby: Okay. (raises hand) Fine.
    • Gibbs somehow getting a knife past hospital security.
  • From "False Witness":
    • The NWTFDNAD: National Wild Turkey Federation DNA Database.
    Abby: They really need a new acronym.
    • The witness in the murder case managing to effortlessly see/deduce deep psychological traits in the team members, and thoroughly pissing off/disturbing them in a casual conversation. The best part is how he doesn't seem to know (or care) that he's doing it. At the end of the episode, Ziva and McGee come across Palmer sobbing to himself in a corner.
    McGee: Palmer, what's wrong?
    Palmer: (points toward witness) Jerry...
    McGee: Ah. (they walk on) Told him not to talk to him.
  • When Abby is surrounded by at least seven empty Caf-Pow! bottles:
    Borin: Wow, Abby. Is this a record?
    Abby: No, we don't talk about the record. It got ugly.
  • We'd expect nothing less from Tony, as they're going to a high school, to start singing "The Wheels On The Bus". But for Gibbs to join in...
  • "Freedom":
    • Tony, Ziva and McGee's expressions as McGee opens a mystery package on his desk - and an hula girl balloon inflates out of it.
    • Palmer, who seems to be picking up Ducky's propensity for talking about incidents only vaguely related to the matter at hand.
    Palmer: (looking at a body in a bush) Guess I'm not the only one who kills plants. Back in college my friends used to call me 'Black Thumb'. They still do, actually. But now it's because I work with dead people... (notices looks from team) So not important.
    • The Reveal of who stole McGee's identity - a twelve-year-old version of Tony.
  • Tony imitating a horse dance. While the doctor who will do his psych evaluation is right behind him.
  • From "Kill Screen", an episode about PC games (subgenre zombie-shooter):
    Ducky: I'm not sure I follow. You kill the zombie...
    Palmer: And then, you kill their brains.
    Ducky: Wouldn't hypovolemic shock render the second step unnecessary?
    Palmer: No, no, no, because when you shoot a zombie in the head, sometimes the brains sneak out through the hole. And then, you have to kill that separately.
    Ducky: I see. I think.
    • Gibbs smacking, then hitting his computer monitor with a baseball bat to 'fix' his computer while McGee tries to fix it.
    • Gibbs is in front of the computer that is trying to bring down the Pentagon's firewalls, and McGee tells him he will have to use the command console. Gibbs decides to Cut The Knot and shoot the computer. He then says "Game Over" in a hilarious tone. Which is multiplied when another screen starts working again and Gibbs shoots it.
  • Near the end of "One Last Score", Tony is looking over the partition at EJ's workspace and remarking to Gibbs that apparently EJ likes to shower before she goes home.note  His daydreaming earns him a Gibbs slap... which he doesn't even notice.
    Gibbs: Hey! Did you hear me!?
    • In the same episode, McGee's presentation that is delivered entirely in Writer Speak.
  • In "Two-Faced", the team is yet again discussing Ziva's offscreen boyfriend Ray. Tony, of course, keeps prying for more details.
    Ziva: I'm not hiding anything. Ray knows all about you.
    Tony: Again: Why haven't we met him?
    Ziva: Because Ray knows all about you.
  • When McGee is complaining about Barret's team, and asks Tony if it bothers him.
    Tony: My life was a lot simpler before she got here.
    McGee: How so?
    Tony: Eh, Gibbs is giving me grief about sleeping with her.
    McGee: You're sleeping with Special Agent Barret?!
    Tony: Catch up, Tim. Whole Navy yard knows about it.
    (leaves McGee behind with a dumbfounded look on his face)
  • Tony's first flashback to his days as a cop in "Baltimore."
    Tony: Friday is crazed-PCP-addict night, Saturday is hooker night! Where are the hookers? (sees a couple of said "ladies" being escorted into the squadroom) I mean, call girls. Hello, Sapphire.
    • In the same episode, there's Tony's first encounter with Gibbs:
    • Uncle Ticklefingers.
    • Tony chasing a money launderer.
    Tony: I have a degree in Physical Education! I played varsity basketball at Ohio State! This isn't going to end well for you! Your money-laundering days — (runs through traffic and into the side of a car, then gets back up) — are over!

     Season 9 
  • The gang (except for Gibbs) check a surveillance footage of Tony in "Nature of the Beast" when McGee suggests that Tony's secret mission is to kill Johnny Depp, who Ziva likes as her favorite actor.
  • "Restless":
    • Ziva and McGee notice Tony's been moping, so they each decide to get him presents to cheer him up. Ziva gets him two tickets to see female mudwrestling. McGee does the same.
    • McGee and Ziva are following a blood trail to see where the victim was stabbed. They come near the end and see a cell phone - which is promptly eaten up by a street sweeper truck.
    • Palmer mentioning that he was elected Homecoming King - due to the fact that the other eleven students in his class were girls.
  • From "The Penelope Papers"
    • Palmer is being overwhelmed with his wedding preparations and asking for advice.
    Palmer: What do I do?
    Gibbs: Give her what she wants.
    Palmer: I have no idea what that is.
    Gibbs: Welcome to the rest of your life, Jim-boy.
    • Despite McGee's justifiable dismay at his grandmother being involved in a case, this snippet deserves mention.
    McGee: She's lying.
    Tony: Some grandson you are.
    • Red pumps. Especially McGee's face when he realizes Tony and Ziva know about it.
  • "Enemy On The Hill":
    • A possible target for assassination finds the idea that someone wants to kill him ludicrous, and brushes off Gibb's advice to move to a safehouse. He even declines the offer of an agent simply guarding him - until he notices Ziva and, apparently rethinking the notion, asks who would be guarding him.
    • Tony measuring a wall, using himself as a ruler.
    Sportelli: (seeing Tony placing himself flush to the wall with arms outstretched) What is DiNozzo doing?
    Gibbs: I have no idea.
    • A great nonverbal one: Much to Tony's delight, the lawyer he and McGee are visiting turns out to be female. He comes around to her left, and while she talks to McGee leans back a bit to check her out. He then excitedly motions to McGee that there's no ring on her finger.
  • "Safe Harbor":
    Vance: Special Agents Borin and DiNozzo. (everyone freezes) Please stop doing whatever it is you're doing.
    • We are also given this gem, while in the middle of the squadroom:
    Abby: Tony, take your pants off.
    Tony: What?
    Abby: Just take your pants off. Now.
  • "Devil's Triangle":
    • Finding out that Tony is so vain that he counts the hairs in his shower drain to make sure he's not going bald. And he's been doing it for a long time.
    Ziva: Every day?
    McGee: For the past twelve years?
    Tony: You say that like it's not normal.
    • Ziva immediately ridicules Tony (and McGee, once Tony infects him with worry about hair loss) about their concerns being petty, and mentions it's not like they're going grey. No points for guessing who's behind her.
    Tony: I'm so glad that wasn't me.
    • When Gibbs' and Fornell's ex-wife is asking for their help, we get this.
    Diane: Look, I know there's no love lost between us...
    Fornell: Well, that's not -
    Diane: Zip it, you.
    • Not ten seconds later, Gibbs hold up a finger, puts a hand on the doorknob - and opens it to reveal Tony, McGee and Ziva huddled up against it.
  • Tony's "Bucket List", including such items as "Date a Bond Girl and/or Miss Universe", "Develop a Catch Phrase", " Ride a Ferris wheel naked" (which, apparently, he's done) "Experience a Wonder of the World (besides Gibbs), "Find Jimmy Hoffa, damnit" and "Tell Dad it's okay".
  • Tony's ultimate fear - toddlers.
  • "Sins Of The Father":
    • Tony's dad is a susect in a murder case. Obviously, Tony is banned from the case. However, he wants to talk to him. How does he get past the agent guarding him? First, bribery with cake. Then reasoning. Then:
    Tony: Well, then, I guess I'd have to tell [Gibbs] about your little antics at the Halloween party last month with Susan Grady from Polygraph, down in the copy room? Huh? She was dressed as a nun, and you were dressed as - Leroy Jethro Gibbs, with a little silver wig?
    Dorneget: Nobody knew about that.
    Tony: I know.
    • Somewhat odd when we get a certain confession a few episodes later. What, exactly, did those two do?
    • Later, Tony wants information on the case from McGee. He tries intimidation, then, when that fails, snatches the file from McGee's hands and fends off his attempts to get it back while reading it. Many a viewer had flashbacks to holding something above their sibling's heads so they couldn't reach it.
    • Gibbs' advice on how to handle DiNozzo Senior.
    Gibbs: If he gives you any trouble, shoot him.
    Dorneget: He's joking. (Beat) I think.
    Tony: Where's my dad?
    Gibbs: The morgue.
    Tony: You shot him.
  • In the Christmas Episode "Newborn King", the entire cookie interrogation scene. It works, and their suspect eventually crushes a cookie in his fist out of frustration.
    Tim: (sadly) Aw, not the frosted cut-outs...
    • In the same episode, when Lt. Reynolds goes into labor, she manages to keep a positive attitude via the power of snark:
    Lt. Reynolds: My water just broke. I'm going into labour. ... Oorah?
    • Palmer's father-in-law-to-be annoys Abby, so she puts him and Palmer in time-out. As in, she locks them in the back half of her lab for who knows how long.
  • In Life Before His Eyes, if you look at the foreground carefully, you can see Ari and Leon Vance playing chess.
  • McGee is thrown by Tony acting mature and supporting for once.
    McGee: Your sincerity is disconcerting.
    Tony: You prefer I'd attack you with some sort of sarcastic, hostile remark?
    McGee: Sort of, yeah.
  • "Secrets":
    • It finally happens - Ziva gets a speeding ticket. For going eighty in a forty. It's also tempting to call the cop who was unfortunate enough to pull her over to have had a Moment Of Awesome for pulling her over and surviving.
    • After a head-smack to Tony...
    Ziva: Do you ever think he actually LIKES being smacked in the head?
    McGee: I try not to think about it.
    • Upon finding out that Gibbs and a female reporter know each other:
    Vance: Oh, please tell me that you weren't married.
    • They weren't - but Tony and her almost were.
  • McGee's blithe signing of a form - with a dead-on forgery of Tony's signature. While Tony is right in front of him. Tony is not happy to find out he's apparently been doing it for years.
    Dorneget: I don't know if I can use this...
  • Ducky meeting Dr. Ryan, and immediately being enamored with her. Gibbs' reaction may actually constitute as jealous!
  • In "Rekindled", a mood change occurs when Tony was the only agent ordering pizza while the others were taking security calls.
    • And then it turns out that Gibbs regards Tony's call as equally important to the others'.
    • Abby watching Mythbusters for research.
    Gibbs: Pyromaniacs.
    Abby: Scientists. Well, yeah, and pyromaniacs.
  • Palmer is desperate to learn what Abby has planned for the bachelor party. Noodle Implements abound, and this is her chosen party outfit...

     Season 10 
  • "Phoenix":
    • Tony, McGee and Ziva...asking...Palmer for information on why Ducky exhumed a body.
    Ziva: (cracks knuckles) Close the blinds.
    • Abby's frustration when she accidentally set off ear-shattering Klaxon alarms that could be heard from Autopsy.
    Abby: I don't know if you noticed, but my radiation alarms went off.
    • A suspect's first words upon seeing the team in his house pointing guns at him:
    Suspect: Not this again! Bloody hell!
  • Ziva tells Agent Borin that Tony and McGee can't come to take drinks 'cause they'll play with themselves and later, with each other. That doesn't go so well with the two.
  • "Namesake":
    • Finding out that Jimmy and Breena had their first fight because she asked him what he thought of her new hairstyle, and he was honest.
    Palmer: What do you think I should do?
    Ducky: I am the worst person to ask about marital advice.
    Gibbs: (walking in) No, I am.
    • The obnoxious owner of the Ferrari, who clashes with Abby.
    Abby: He wears $3,000 Italian sunglasses and has Justin Bieber on his hard drive; can't we arrest him for that?
    • In a move similar to the one he pulled in "Sins Of The Father", Tony steals McGee's food and frantically eats it as McGee tries to get it back. Ziva doesn't even blink and just keeps working.
  • Ziva and McGee playing with Tony's boarding school picture.
    Tony: I'll have you know, that was a very cool look in the day -
    McGee: Yeah, for a Bible salesman.
  • "Gone":
    • The entire conversation about Ziva's friend Shmeil in the beginning. And when he shows up at the end.
    • Gibbs confronting a suspect, who proceeds to spit on his boot. Gibbs punches him in the face (one gets the feeling more out of the guy preying on teenaged girls than the spitting)
    McGee: (running up) Boss, I thought you said you'd wait for me.
    Gibbs: Yeah. I tried. (hands McGee the cuffs with a 'what can you do' shrug)
    • Tony attempting to impersonate Ducky over the phone. He does laughably bad, earning him a Dope Slap from Ducky.
    Ducky: I do not say 'cheerio'.
  • "Devil's Trifecta":
    • When Gibbs find out in the beginning that Fornell survived his shooting because he was too tired to take off his bulletproof vest from work.
    Gibbs: Not too tired to shoot back.
    Fornell: He ruined my favorite jacket. I'd have shot my own mother.
    • EVERYTHING concerning Fornell and Gibbs' interaction with their ex-wife, Diane. EVERYTHING. Upon finding out she was doing something that required the use of aliases, Fornell remarks:
    Fornell: More likely she finally hired that hitman she's been talking about for years to take me out.
    (Everyone looks at him)
    Fornell: (chuckles) No! No...(beat, looks slightly worried) But we should put a pin in that.
    • The looks on Gibbs' and Fornell's faces when they find out that Diane is now a federal IRS agent with a badge. Followed by the looks on all three of their faces when Vance announces that the three will be working jointly on the investigation.
    • To keep Diane safe, Gibbs and Fornell have her stay over at McGee's. There, they have an argument which ends with them sharing an awkward hug and falling asleep on the couch. As if that weren't hilarious enough, Gibbs and Fornell find them like that in the morning.
    Fornell: Holy f—Fourth of July weenie roast. What the hell am I looking at?
    McGee: Boss, this is not what it looks like!
    Gibbs: What does it look like?
    Diane: We were talking and we fell asleep on the couch.
    Fornell: Intertwined like horny rabbits!
    • Of course, the team teases McGee for this. But for Gibbs and Fornell, the NCIS agent has been warned that the two men have the "propensity for violence."
    • Ziva's response to what Abby finds when dissecting evidence. Imagine Ziva's lines below said in a perfectly deadpan voice.
    Ziva: Is that a cell phone?
    Abby: Yup!
    Ziva: There is a cell phone inside the fish?
    • After the case is closed, Vance comments that it worked out so well, he's thinking of having the trio as a permanent team whenever the three agencies need to work together. All three of them flee the office before he can finish making the offer.
  • "You Better Watch Out":
    • Tony's visible panic when his dad says he'll be staying at his place for Christmas.
    • Finding out Tony talks to his goldfish (who is named Kate)
    Tony: (dropping some fish food in) You hungry? There you go. There's some treats, that's my good girl. Heh heh, you're gettin' fat. (remembers his dad is there and straightens awkwardly) My goldfish.
    • McGee cracking Tony's back for him. Honestly, if you just listened to the audio, it would sound like a rather different situation...
    • McGee's college friend Stewie, a Keet who's cheerfully happy to be working in a landfill instead of teaching computational evolutionary biology at a university. He reveals some prime dirt on McGee, making Tony ecstatic.
    Stewie: Did he tell you he was the school mascot?
    Tony: No. What was the MIT mascot?
    McGee: Really doesn't matter.
    Tony: Oh, yes it does. Stewie?
    Stewie: A beaver! He was 'Tim the beaver' our senior year.
    Tony: Please tell me you dressed up like a beaver.
    Stewie: Of course he did!
  • Mossad Deputy Director Ilan Bodnar storms into NCIS and begins making demands.
    Bodnar: I want answers!
    Ducky: Take a number.
    Bodnar: And whose grandfather are you?
    Ducky: That depends. Who's your grandmother?
  • From "Canary".
    Kev: (shouting angrily in Arabic)
    Tony: You can stop the act now, Kev.
    Kev: I only said "How was that for improv?"
    • Earlier, there's Ziva and Tony's bickering about their undercover roles.
    Ziva: Next time, you can wear the heels!
    Tony: Okay!
  • How do Ducky and Jimmy determine who will drive the van on the way back to NCIS from a crime scene? They flip a finger bone.
    • Jimmy telling Ducky that he wants to dissect his brain after the older M.E. has passed away.
    • When on the run in the middle of the woods at night being chased by angry terrorists with guns:
    Jimmy: Oh my God!
    Ducky: What?!
    Jimmy: I just realized that I missed my nine-month wedding anniversary. Breena is going to kill me!
    Ducky: ...You do know I have a heart condition.
  • Episode 18 has a really funny one involving Dobermans.
    Pitt: You have four seconds.
    Tony: Excuse me. Four seconds for what?
    Tim: Tony, RUN!!
    (cue dogs chasing down the agents, Tim locking himself in the car, Tony leaping onto the roof of the car and in through the sunroof headfirst)
    Tony: Way to be a team player, McGee!
    Tim: I'm sorry! I panicked, okay?
  • "Damned If You Do": McGee has just engaged in epic hackage, part of which involved cozying up the a "DOD beauty" name of Delilah.
    Tony: So proud of you. (hugs McGee and kisses him on top of the head)
    McGee: Please don't do that, ever again.
    • Abby playing a shooting game with Parsons as the target.

     Season 11 
  • Upon being confronted with a now on-their-side Parsons, McGee and Tony both say "I want my badge back" in unison, with the exact same inflection, while giving him matching Death Glares.
  • Tony shows the team Ziva's list of childhood aspirations through MTAC. McGee's comment: "I will be a ballerina? Shouldn't that say ninja or something?"
  • "Under The Radar": McGee lost his ID badge, and there's a cop who is actually giving their IDs a thorough examination at the crime scene. His solution? Grab everything he can carry in both hands, stuff a pad in his mouth, and make various muffled noises. The cop lets him through.
    • We finally find out Tony's frequent brushes with death have earned him something of a reputation.
    Gibbs: Go with DiNozzo.
    Strickland: DiNozzo? (looks over at Tony and back at Gibbs) Oh, I've heard stories about this guy. His car blew up, he almost died from the plague, (yells over to Tony) and didn't someone shoot at you a few months ago?
    Tony: He missed.
    Strickland: I have only two weeks left, Gibbs. I shouldn't even be in the same room as this moving target.
  • Bishop joins Gibbs' team and DiNozzo and McGee proceed to show her what it means to be a probie.
  • Tony in the beginning of "Gut Check". He's all alone in the squadroom, so he tries to make conversation with a random coworker. First he tries a Not Listening to Me, Are You? move, then when she finally starts talking to him he tries to get her to give him 'a jibe, a scoff, a little stinkeye'. When Gibbs finally comes in and scoffs, Tony turns to the coworker with a big smile and says "See?"
  • Tony again in "Monsters and Men" when Gibbs caught one of Parsa's men in an airport.
    Tony: Okay, let this be a lesson to everyone here. When we say no liquids past this point, we mean it!
  • Before that, Tony and McGee are coming off a tense encounter with Vance while trying to avoid Gibbs.
    Tony: You can unclench now, Tim, we're in the clear.
    (McGee and Tony sense someone right behind them and slowly turn around. It is, of course, Gibbs)
    McGee: Hey boss.
  • Diane bursts into the NCIS conference room to confront Gibbs (1st husband), Fornell (2nd husband and current lover), and Eddie (most recent ex and undercover Secret Service agent) only for all three men to turn it around on her before she can collect herself and dominate the room like she usually does.
    Eddie: Hello, Diane. Oh, I heard we broke up. Sorry about that. Oh! And I'm a Secret Service agents.
    Diane: I heard. What's with the attitude?
    Eddie: I don't know? Maybe it's because you were sleeping with your ex-husband while we were dating.
    Fornell: Hey! <beat> The man has a point.
    Diane: Oh! So you guys are buddies now?
    Gibbs: Yeah. We're thinking about starting a club.
    Diane: Yeah? Well watch it, boys. I know something about each and everyone of you that you don't want anyone to know. And I've got a Twitter account!
    • Gibbs seems almost smug in this scene, finally being able to be the one to gang up on an ex rather than being the one ganged up on.
  • In "Bulletproof", Abby sets up her lab to look like a schoolroom, dresses as a schoolteacher, and gives the representative of an weapons company who had made defective body armor a timeout.
  • Tony making fun of McGee playing the role of a homeless man in "Shooter" by making him smell bad to the point of using it whenever McGee tells Tony to stop making fun of him.
  • In Episode 20 "Page Not Found" Tony gets away from McGee to take a call in private, hiding in a closet. He turns on the light to find...himself. Specifically, a cardboard cutout of him.
    Tony: Who put you in here?
    Delilah: You alone?
    Tony: [eyes the cutout] In my own way.

     Season 12 
  • In "The San Dominick", there's a time bomb counting down and the crook has a hostage at gunpoint. Gibbs makes an ultimatum: either the crook puts down the gun and Gibbs defuses the bomb, or Gibbs will shoot him and then defuse the bomb. The crook relents to putting his weapon down...and Gibbs makes no move towards the bomb, as Tony and Borin scream at him to take care of it. Then the timer reaches zero...and Gibbs just holds up a fuse; he'd actually defused it as soon as he found it, before anyone else was there.
  • In Parental Guidance Suggested, Bishop's attempt at breaking down a door, particularly when they had a master key to open the door.

Nathan BarleyFunny/Live-Action TVNCIS: Los Angeles

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