Funny / NCIS: Los Angeles

  • In "Absolution," Marty tries to score some chicks in a park by getting Kensi to pretend she's breaking up with him. It doesn't work.
    Kensi (to Marty): You cheated on me!
    Kensi: With my brother!
    Deeks: Just uh, don't let Kensi interrogate them.
    Callen: Why's that?
    Deeks: Cause the guy on the right, she kicked him right in the nom de plumes.
    Sam: No.
    Deeks: Guy didn't even have his weapon out.
    Callen: Really?
    Kensi: I...
    Deeks: Right in the cul de sac. Kicked him so hard it gave me a stomach ache.
    Kensi: So what? It would have been better if I'd pistol whipped him across his face?
    Deeks, Callen, Sam: YES!
    • This dialogue:
    Deeks: L.A.P.D.
    Agent Hyams: N.S.A.
    Kensi: N.C.I.S.
    Deeks: M-O-U-S-E.
    • Deeks repeatedly saying "Gesundheit!" every time someone says something in German. He even invokes the Rule of Three, promising that the third one will be the best...and Callen ends up agreeing with him.
  • In one of their first undercover assignments together, Deeks preps what he's going to say to Kensi.
    Deeks: I'm gonna call you Fern, okay?
    Kensi: Don't you dare call me Fern.
    Deeks: (in the most obnoxious way possible) Fern, baby girl! Whew, it's been a loooong time. (fake fight ensues)
    • Becomes a Crowning Moment of Heartwarming, as Deeks uses it as one of his many nicknames for her. Become a Crowning Momentof Heartwarming / Tear Jerker, in "The Frozen Lake" after Deeks and Kensi get together, they have trouble adjusting at work and Kensi wants to end it. Just before Deeks goes into a situation where his cover might already be blown, Deeks asks Kensi if they can pretend for just a moment they were just a boy and girl, no NCIS, no danger in their lives, and they had endless possiblities. Kensi holds her hand out and introduces herself as Fern and shocks the hell out of Deeks, making him laugh in disbelief.
  • In Personal, Deeks has been shot, Kensi's just found out he was targeted and is waiting for him to come out of the anesthesia. He finally does.
    Deeks: Am I dead? Cause I feel like I should be dead.
    Kensi: Hey there. You're not getting rid of me that easily.
    Deeks: Do I know you?
    Kensi: Deeks?
    Deeks: You're not my nurse?
    Kensi: I'm serious, Deeks.
    Deeks: My name is Deeks? Really? (Kensi starts to look around for help) I'm just kidding, I remember you, Fern.
  • Following up the idea that Deeks needed to improve his personal security from "Personal" Sam stakes out Deeks the first day he's supposed to come back. Deeks never showed and Sam's late to work. Since Deeks is missing, Kensi decides to call him. And his phone Sam's bag. Deeks walks in, picks up his phone our of Sam's hand and...
    Deeks: That'd be for me. Marty Deeks.
    Kensi: Hey, it's Kensi!
    Deeks: Hey!
    Kensi: How did your phone get in Sam's bag?
    Deeks: I must have slipped it in there while he was waiting for in line for coffee. Medium triple, low fat, hold the phone.
    • Later...
    Callen: Who did you pay and how much?
    Deeks: School kid, twenty bucks. (Callen fives him behind his back.)
  • The car ride with Deeks, Kensi and Javier. Especially after they piss her off...
    Deeks: Put your hands on the wheel!
    Javier: That lady's crazy.
    • Deeks' quiet "Dude." in reply smacked of "If she's crazy how do you think pointing it out will help you in this moment?!?!"
  • Discussing personally important items, Hetty brings up a Noodle Incident.
    Hetty: Ah, memories. I still mourn the loss of my most prized possession. Traces of it are still embedded in the asphalt along a quarter mile stretch of the Circuit De Monaco in Monte Carlo. I don't even think it was the most expensive thing I ever owned, but it certainly was the fastest.
  • In "Familia" Hettie walks into a bar somewhere in Prague and kills two men.
    Hetty: Oh, Bugger.
  • Near the end of "Honor".
  • G and Sam's interaction with a surviving drug cartel gangster, who was pretty nice to them in "Greed".
  • In "The Debt," Deeks is in Lieutenant Bates' office, copying files off his laptop, when Bates approaches and he's forced to escape out the window. Then Bates calls him from inside the office.
    Bates: You're in trouble.
    Deeks: (on the window ledge, about eight stories up) I gotta be honest, given the circumstances, I think you're gonna have to be a little more specific.
  • In "Patriot Acts", Nell and Kensi had a Girl's Night Out, the nature of which is not revealed until the end, when Nell tells Eric that they went to a monster truck rally. Hetty's reaction?
    I'm surprised I didn't run into them.
  • Deeks has been butting heads with Hetty for most of the episode because NCIS is requiring all officers to take a training course of their choice. Deeks picks a target identification coursenote . He shoots two "bad guy" posters and doesn't shoot one "noncombatant" poster. Then a poster of Hetty shows up and Deeks drills it in the forehead.
    Deeks: Um, oops.
    (fade to black)
    Hetty: Cheeky bastard.
  • Hetty suggests that Deeks (with Kensi) were attacked by SVR sleeper agents because of the Fanny pack he wore around his waist. Deeks doesn't take that answer very seriously.
  • "Dead Body Politics" has Kensi ask Hetty if she had ever considered running for office:
    Hetty: I was ruler of Nicaragua for 72 hours once.
    [Kensi stares in shock]
    Hetty: Don't ask.
  • In "Out of the Past", Deeks interrogates a poodle. And actually makes friends with it.
  • Sam asks the CIA agents under Snyder if they like working under him. G says that Snyder's mom doesn't like him.
  • Deeks uses the Riverdance to search a pro-Soviet agent's house for a nuclear bomb. It did work, even though Kensi found it odd at first. He later uses it in "Paper Soldiers", and finds an external hard drive with it, even citing his previous success as for reason.
  • Kensi's attempt to learn surfing lingo.
  • The aforementioned cartel guy from "Greed" make an encore appearance in "Drive" when Callen and Sam have to chase him all of two miles per hour, which is as fast as he can run.
  • In "Wanted", Deeks goes undercover in a gay bathhouse, which he is none too comfortable with. Afterwards, he needs to give Kensi a hug—while he's still wet. He even tries to shake himself dry like a dog.
  • "War Cries" and Hetty's conversation with Callen regarding what he's going to wear on a blind date (that Sam forced him into)
    Hetty: Shoes and socks are outside your locker, I leave undergarments up to you. Please use them.
  • In "Tuhon," Deeks takes an injured suspect to the boatshed, and is none too gentle with the dude:
    You've heard of Obamacare? This is "We-Don't-Care."
  • Kensi and Talia fight each other in "Deep Trouble Pt.2" before they gang up on Deeks after he asks about the blood marks on their faces, acting like friends.
  • Beale is accused of being a "communist" when he tells Deeks and Kensi that he never watching wrestling.
  • When Deeks and Eric are ordered under a subpoena to tell them "everything" they know, the two proceed to do just that in "Praesidium". When they were done, the interviewers were glad to just leave them be.
  • Faced with having to escape a building under lockdown in "The 3rd Choir", Hetty decides to do the "jump out of a window into a full dumpster" trick.
    (before jumping) Hetty: Of all the mornings to forget to stretch.
    (after landing) Hetty: Maybe I am too old for this.
    Hetty: Touchy trigger.
    Hetty: Tell him I think he's an ass.
    • Even better, the soldiers who were in the plane with Hetty, who were completely stone-faced through the whole scene, start cracking up when she says that.
  • In "Black Budget", Callen and Sam rescue a Mexican girl during a shootout and take her home—where she and one of her sisters start flirting with Callen upon learning that he's not married. Sam reacts with a chuckle and a Face Palm—until the girls' mother starts flirting with him for having a sexy voice.
  • Deeks' interaction with the fake-SEAL Hunter in "Seal Hunter". As well as everyone joking about the man's horrible toupee.
    • And from the end of that episode, Sam reducing his doppelganger to pathetic tears via Curb-Stomp Battle. And filming it. And giving the video to the fake-SEAL Hunter to post online for all to see.
    • Callen's reaction to the breakdown:
    Callen: Is he crying?
    • And Deeks' episode-long struggle with opening a durian fruit, as well as everyone's reaction to the smell when he finally cracks it open.
    • And also from this episode, Eric says that hacking is Just Like Making Love, prompting Hetty to suggest that they need to have a long conversation.
    • Everything that our heroes do to the FBI agent and federal prosecutor, from Callen dunking the agent's gun in a fish tank to him and Granger catching them in flagrante and using it as blackmail material.
  • Nell asking Eric, "Hey, No-Pants! You know it's going to be freezing back East, right?"
  • Callen's dry response to realizing a hostage situation with extremist gunmen is a False Flag Operation "Real Jihadists don't hang half the propaganda posters upside down."
  • Callen and Sam ever since they were deployed to Mexico in "Black Wind".
    • Deeks gets cactus spines in his butt. 'Nuff said.
  • After finding out Arkady survived the attempt on his life (and that he blew up his own car), Sam asks if he has explosives rigged to all of his cars. His response, "You don't?"
  • In Fighting Shadows, Hetty has mixed up the usual partnerships, resulting in Callen and Deeks working together. While waiting for a witness to show up, Deeks attempts some small talk which ultimately results in Callen **absolutely trolling** him over his not-so-secret-relationship with Kensi. Turns out everyone has known for quite some time.
  • In "The Dragon and the Fairy," Deeks creates a distraction for Kensi to get a Vietnamese captive away from a compound, by playing a dog walker. As he babbles at the barking German Shepard, Monty the dog wraps around the guard's legs and trips him.
  • Deeks tries to prevent Kensi and Talia from trying to hurt each other over him throughout "Citadel". Such highlights includes having the idea to let Talia bleed out and Talia thinks Kensi's taking the "Jedi Crap" way too seriously. Talia also compliments Kensi on her shooting skills via Deeks.
  • In "Driving Miss Diaz", in some slides of a photoshoot of the protected individual of the week, the last photo is of Hetty, in a Tux, doing the Classic James Bond pose.
  • "Blame it on Rio". The whole episode. Not just because Tony is there either. Highlights include:
    • Kensi's "training" with Eric because Deeks is putting on a Bruce Lee jumpsuit. This leads to the West Coast Avengers remark made by Tony when he shows up due to Hetty dressing Nell up to help the latter prepare for a Renaissance fair Eric is taking her to.
    • The whole chat between Eric and Nell about the fair which devolves into a talk about furry conventions and fursonas... Then Granger shows up and the two stumble over the whole thing.
    Eric: "Granger... Director... Assistant..."
    Nell: He's been talking backwards all morning. I'm pretty sure it's a software issue."
    • Rio the suspect. The guy talks too much. And fakes a heart attack 3 times. He also tries to bribe G and Sam to let him go. G tells him that if he breaks the door down, he could hurt him. Sam, however, is willing to breach into the toilet and hurt him real bad.
    • He claims that he's being attacked by a homeless man aka Deeks.
    • At the very end, when Hetty tells DiNozzo she has a message for him from Gibbs. Sure enough, it's a Dope Slap. Tony's "I should have seen that coming" expression is priceless.
  • In "Matryoshka", basically all of the Ho Yay between Anatoli Kirkin and Deeks, especially considering their encounter three years earlier.
  • Beale tries to act all tough in "Glasnost" while interrogating a prisoner. Deeks doesn't like it at all.
  • Deeks being thrown in jail with a bunch of ornery-looking toughs. When we cut back to him...he's leading a group therapy session.
  • In "Payback", after Callen learns that his ex-girlfriend Joelle is a CIA officer, Sam goes to talk to Callen:
    Sam: Do you want to talk about it?
    Callen: No.
    Sam: Good. I'd be worried if you did.
    Callen: You introduced me to her.
    Sam: I've been waiting for that.
  • In "767", Callen and Sam are put on a flight to Tokyo. Callen is stuck back in coach between two obnoxious passengers while Sam gets first-class, and can't resist rubbing it in.
  • Callen and Sam run a mission with a pair of Hetty's former Vietnam unit (including Admiral A.J. Chegwidden from JAG), who still act in wild ways like it's the 1980s from threatening to torture suspects to instigating chases and fights.
    Callen: If we ever get like that, you have permission to shoot me.
    Sam: Only if you shoot me first.
    Callen: It's a deal.
    • While talking with Chegwidden on the coms, Eric reveals that he and Chegwidden regularly play Titanfall. Just the fact that former Judge Advocate General of the United States Navy plays Titanfall is hilarious in of itself.
  • In "Party Crashers", Deeks heads over to his mother's apartment to tell her that he and Kensi are engaged. What he finds when he gets there is a guy in his underware. Assuming he's an intruder, Deeks pulls a gun on the man, only for his mother Bertie to show up in a towel. Bertie says that the man is her personal trainer Guy, and Deeks quickly realizes what they were doing, and is horrified. Since Bertie had learned about the engagement two weeks earlier from Kensi's mother, Bertie enjoys every minute of Deeks' discomfort.
  • In "This is What we Do", Sam adopts a seal named Otis. When Callen meets it, it does a large burp.
    Callen: You should be ashamed of yourself too.
    • Sam tells him to watch the boat.
    • Sam called in sick, because he got drunk since it's his first anniversary since Michelle died. Callen apologizes in advance for his method of sobering Sam up: punch Sam in the gut to get him to throw up.
    • Apparently, Otis joined Sam in drinking. Callen asked why Sam let Otis drink whiskey, and Sam says he didn't. Otis drinks beer.
  • Deek's Squick moment in "Forasteira" when he finds out that his mom (implied) had a nude drawing done by her boyfriend Guy. Deeks grabs it from Kensi and burns it, despite Kensi telling him that it's a work of art.
    Kensi: It's like Rose from Titanic!
  • "Goodbye, Vietnam":
    • While going through Hetty's old case files, Hidoko finds "some serious Santeria shit", including what may be an actual lizard. After closing the box, Hidoko says that she needs to wash her hands. In holy water.
      Nell: It wasn't that bad.
    • As it turns out, Hetty's old unit from Vietnam are in the country searching for her as well. Not only is Admiral Bridges still in Snark-to-Snark Combat with Sam, but with Deeks as well.
    • Rio's back, and everyone is just thrilled.
    • In an admittedly dark way, Hetty's sadistic captor turning into a sniveling coward when she feeds him to his own tiger.
  • From "Vendetta", three words: "Hetty Davis Eyes". To give context, Arkady got drunk, went to the boat shed at night, and tried to serenade Hetty.
    Callen: Well, Mosley was right. I didn't need to hear that.
    Deeks: Nope.
    Hetty: No.
    • While waiting for Mosley at the boat shed, Arkady takes a shower. Then when Mosley arrives, Arkady walks out wearing nothing but a towel.
    • Then Callen calls ops while Arkady is still in the towel, to Hetty and Kensi's horror and Deeks' discomfort.