Hero Critique Thread (Because it's about damn time for this too!)

Okay then!

CHARACTER PROFILE FOR ELEANOR

FROM "THE LIFE AND TIMES OF ELEANOR"

Name: Eleanor

Age: 16

Personality: Determined, Strongwilled (sometimes to the point of stubborness), Mischievous and snarky. When Eleanor wants something, she will resort to all sorts of way to get it, Even resorting to theft if necessary. However, she knows what the limits are, and she refuses to do anything involving killing or seriously hurting someone or commiting any sorts of major crime. Despite this, she is a generally caring and kind person, as proven by her sharing whatever money and food she gets from her errands and odd jobs with both her family and occasionally, as seen in some episodes, other people in need.

Abilities: strong sense of direction, Photographic Memory of Gravenbirch and Le Parkour. As a courrier, Eleanor's job is to run around Gravenbirch to deliver whatever her clients desires. As such, she knows every inch of the city, including some secret passages and alleyways that even the longest tenured denizens of the city doesn't know. Those same corners also comes in handy when she gets pursued by cops for stealing food. Her athleticism, quick thinking and creativity allows her to prince-of-persia her way through town...even if whatever object she delivers might end up a bit rocked in the process!

Weaknesses: when she is or feels cornered, however, she is prone to anxiety attacks and tends to do reckless and potentially dangerous things as a results. Her being strongwilled can also lead to her being stubborn. She also doesn't really know how to fight, despite packing a mean right.

Goals: Get her and her family out of Poverty. She also wants to follow the footsteps of her uncle Graham as well as the heroes in her adventure books and travel the world.

Backstory: the oldest child of Nathaniel and Marion, two lower-class citizens living in a village on the outskirts of the west midlands city of Gravenbirch, Eleanor has seen and experienced life among the less fortunate for as long as she can remember. Mocked by the boys on the football pitch as a child, she often mourned her upbringing, and wondered if god would smile on her and her family one day.

The turning point of her life so far has been meeting uncle Graham. The latter, who was raised in the same poor conditions along with his sister Marion, managed to find his way out of poverty, becoming a world-traveled archaeologist and owner of museums and libraries. While she does love her dad Nathaniel, she would often say (not in front of her parents, of course!) That uncle Graham is her real father, as he gained her access to knowledge and privileges that the poor people of Gravenbirch would kill to have. Graham taught her how to play Football (soccer), and she would end up being so good at it that the boys didn't want to play with her no more (as told in the episode "the wicked witch of the pitch), while Her love of books and exotic locales came from her frequent visits to her uncle's library and her yearly family trips to the city's museum of natural history (paid for by Graham, of course!). Her favorite books are the ones based on the warrior queen Boudicca and the adventure tales of her childhood, particularly Around the World in 80 days, treasure island and Robin Hood, the latter profoundly inspiring her, what with their depictions of the struggle of the poor and its dashing hero who helped those in need out of sincerity and justice.

Deciding to help people in need, she started running errands and odd jobs to make whatever money she can to help out her family. While the realities of life in poverty do bring her back to earth from time to time, Eleanor now has firm belief that she will create a better future for her and her family. But, for now, she's got a package to deliver!

Relevant Tropes:

Bold Explorer: As if her constantly dreaming of traving the world wasn't enough, Eleanor is very willing to explore The region and wilderness surrounding Gravenbirch. Some episodes has her and her family visiting other english landmarks such as London and stonehenge, as well as places outside of england, such as Ireland, the isle of man and even france!

Wide-Eyed Idealist: subverted. While still firmly believing in her goal of getting out of Poverty, Eleanor does realise that actually doing it will take a lot of time, effort and luck, and she is well aware of the realities of her living conditions.

{{Red Oni, Blue Oni}}: She is the red oni to his 11-year-old Brother Trevor. While she can be Stubborn and Impulsive, Trevor is more open minded and is more prone to take his time and plan...of course, this is quickly inversed when things go awry, as Trevor is more likely to complain about things not going to plan, While Eleanor is able to come up with an improvised plan on the spot. However, both are blue onis to Gabriel (their youngest sibling)'s red oni.

Action Girl

Naked People are funny: in the ending to the first episode, Eleanor jumps out of her bath to pursue the Fox who stole the Garlic bread that she herself stole from another man in downtown. This prompt shocked reactions from both the villagers and children who caught a glimpse of her and her mother, who storms after her in shame and anger.

Leotard of Power: Wears one in "Hyperbolic Acrobatics" when she (clumsily) learns the fine art of acrobatics from Jules Leotard himself. Of course, she snarks about Jules inventing the leotard for fanservice reasons (which is partially Truth in Television).

Deadpan Snarker

Book worm: She loves going to the town's library, often spending a whole day off there. She also has a small collection of books at home.

le parkour: she uses it to navigate through town faster and escape from the cops when she steals something.

The Power of Family: her main motivation in life.

big eater: when she does have a full meal for dinner for once, she tends to not hold anything back. Justified, since being poor means that she and her family struggle to have a full meal everyday

Animal lover: she really loves animals, to the point of making her sick to the stomach when she has to hunt them out of necessity and survival. The epidsode "the rules of nature" uses that dilemma as the main premise.

everyone has standards: while she isn't afraid to steal and lie to get what she wants, Eleanor wants nothing to do with actively hurting or killing someone.

i know madden kombat: She attributes her dodging and tight cornering skills to playing football (soccer)

Barefoot poverty: She frequently runs bare feeted, resulting in them having many scratches and small callouses.

Perpetual Poverty: despite their situations, Eleanor and her family somehow always manage to pay rent and eat something at the end of the day, even if said meal barely counts as one.

Rags to Riches: what she hopes to accomplish for her and her family. Of course, Reality ensues as she realises just how hard it actually is.

Courier: what her job essentially is.

Celeb Crush: Has one on famous travelling French Bard and Orlando Bloom expy/parody Pierre Mexes, at first. It dissipates quickly upon actually meeting the hedonistic and cowardly bard in "the poet and the pendulum". She eventually befriends him after Mexes proved he was a good person despite his pretentious ways.

{{Weak, but skilled}}: despite not knowing how to fight, Eleanor still manages to get out of messy situations using her Deadly dodging and wits. Of course, when angered, she packs a mean right hook that can knock anybody out!

mushroom samba: Eleanor goes through an intense one after trying Irish noble-in-exile and hermit Aidan Furlong's weed in "The no leaf Clover". Safe to say, she was traumatised by it. Played for laughs, of course.

P.S: Can i also post profiles for the other characters of my story here, even if they aren't the hero?

Edited by kinnikuniverse on Apr 14th 2021 at 6:06:36 AM

A much better improvement for Eleanor's profile from the first iteration. Very concise and to the point. And forgive me for not remembering correctly, but your last iteration had zombies correct? If you removed that bit, it does help remove the disconnect the last profile had, and making Eleanor primarily a treasure hunter is a nice plus.

Also, I'm pretty sure you can post any good characters here, not just the main character. Just make sure you keep villains for the Villains Critique thread.

Yeah, the zombies thing is pretty much dead at this point. The story basically evolved into something i'm much more comfortable writing: a slice-of-life series in the vein of the simpsons. In fact, it is pretty much 19th-century british Simpsons, complete with quirky side characters who will get episodes dedicated to them (i don't plan on building a large cast, though.), famous people from that century appearing (such as the aformentioned Jules Leotard and Karl Benz, for example) and the struggles of the working class family (i'm mainly inspired by the more serious, down to earth tone of the early simpsons episodes.)

Eleanor isn't really a treasure hunter. She's pretty much a courier for hire, though she obviously dreams about it and traveling the world like her uncle Graham. Of course, one of the main themes of "Life and Times" is how rags-to-riches stories in real life rarely pans out. She really has to earn her happy ending.

Alright, then, i'll post my other characters here. So far, i only have two characters i consider outright villainous in Don Giuseppe Inzaghi and Lady le Tissier (i name all my characters after sports athletes lol), so i'l post them in the villain thread.

Edited by kinnikuniverse on Apr 14th 2021 at 6:15:16 AM

In fact, i started a writer's journal-style thread on "life and times" not too long ago. Maybe i should start posting my ideas there.

Edited by kinnikuniverse on Apr 15th 2021 at 11:13:03 AM

Edited by DivineFlame100 on Jun 24th 2021 at 7:52:34 AM

I wish I could weigh in more on Alice, besides noting that her skillset seems interesting. The biggest issue, unfortunately, is that there's a lot of terminology and concepts that I don't have anything to go off of. If there's a worldbuilding critique thread somewhere on this site where you can put things straight, it's probably be a lot easier for me to add a true critique of Alice, because I know how she fits in the realm of what I can only imagine is a pretty unique world.

Now, for my entry, I'm going back to Praline LaCroix, who I mentioned a couple of pages back. Basically, she's a lesbian catgirl from France who just moved to Vermont, and thanks to a Poisonous Friend online she's a paranoid wreck who thinks the world is out to get her.

If I had to sum her up, she's Wrong Genre Savvy: she thinks she's in the most cliched, tragic Queer YA novel where the lesbian is horribly treated before committing suicide or being murdered in a hate crime, when in reality she's in a Slice of Life story, where nobody particularly cares about her sexuality and where two of the characters hunting geese and debating the best way to spit sunflower seeds is one of the most exciting things that happens. Much of her misery is of her own design: her paranoia causes her to push people away or openly lash out at those who genuinely want to be her friend, leaving her worse than ever. She does get better, that being her character arc.

Honestly, I wrote it in response to some of the things I've seen on social media: a message of doom-and-gloom where minorities are told "Yes, it IS that horrible. White/Straight/Cis/Men/This/That/The Other people all despise you and want to see you dead, without exception, and all the strides that we've apparently made are lies." Praline is my take on what a diet of that dialogue could do to someone.

I guess my question is: what's everyone's take on this?

Edited by krimzonflygon2 on Apr 26th 2021 at 3:40:55 AM

Edited by DivineFlame100 on Jun 24th 2021 at 7:55:23 AM

I think it could be a good exploratory arc. It's nice to get a perspective where it isn't "The Man wants to keep you down and hates the other! But there's one paragon of light out there that makes it all worth it!", as I tend to find in a lot of stories like this. Sometimes life sucks, yes, but more often than not it's just mundane and harmless- just need a better perspective of that.

My initial reaction to this is that it seems to be "punching down." You're painting a minority with a victim complex who is the butt of the joke, when in reality, there ARE people out there who want harm to come to gay or ethnic minorities and the "can't we all talk and get along?" angle you're advocating isn't a thing that works with people who are ideologues. Second, is this your story to tell? Do you identify with the group your MC is a part of? Because if not, you run the risk of projecting your own experiences onto a straw man character.

@ Tonberry 2 K

At the risk of straw manning your position...do you really think that a writer cannot create/portray characters who do not fall within their "categories?" I've seen this idea thrown around a lot and vehemently disagree with it, so I am curious to hear what a (supposed at this point) advocate of that ideal has to say about it.

Seconded.

As a white dude, writing from the POV of a white woman my age is one thing. We would have a lot of shared experiences. Writing a person of color or a LGBTQ person is a totally different experience because you're be projecting your own biases and lived experiences onto a group that does not share them in a lot of cases. There are information and experience gaps there, and the end result could be perceived as ignorant at best and insensitive at worst. And judging from that character description, it looks like (imo) the entire conceit of this story is starting off on the wrong foot.

But hey, do what you want.

Edited by Tonberry2k on Jun 24th 2021 at 10:33:26 AM

@ Tonberry 2 K

Well thanks for the response. I can see where you are coming from and it is consistent with other people I've heard who state this same belief. I can't really say that I agree since it seems like such a terribly restrictive and stifling way for a writer/creator to operate. But as you said, each person works within their own way of thinking and telling someone to just "write whoever they want" when they believe in that kind of narrow "stay in your lane" thing would be just as controlling. Anyway, thank you for the civil and well explained way of talking about it; some people get incredibly angry/self-righteous when asked to explain this sort of thing.

TLDR: I see what you mean now with this belief. I still don't agree with it or the problems with the character in question but appreciate that you took the time to explain it in a civil manner.

Thanks. I'm not saying people should ONLY write their own gender/race/whatever, but I think any writer needs to be prepared to do a lot of research and bring in second and third opinions from people who would know this topic more intimately. But I think that's a different discussion than this pitch, which boils down to be "This minority needs to stop being a victim." That's not a great starting point.

@ Tonberry 2 K

Sure, no problem. I think that these sorts of issues should be discussed in a "live and let live" atmosphere. As long as someone isn't trying to force me to abide by their way of thinking, then I have no issue discussing how they look at things for the most part.

This is a more complicated topic that I have mixed feelings on considering all the complexities that go on in those situations. Research is definitely a must when doing writing; I agree with that, although I view it largely through the lens of trying to enhance the quality of the story than anything else.

One thing I will say about this specific situation, although I won't get too much into it. The character in question is a little more complicated, than "minority needs to stop being a victim". If I recall correctly; there's an element of someone purposely manipulating and enhancing this person's anxiety and sense victimhood for predatory reasons. It's a cautionary tale about believing too much of what you see online and care for who you trust. Then again it isn't my character and quite literally not my story to tell, so take that with a boulder of salt .

Edited by Swordofknowledge on Jun 24th 2021 at 10:55:49 AM

Though it also helps if you're writing in a world that's not like our own. In my dystopian story there's a ton of POC and LGBT characters, and I'm straight and white and cis, however the story doesn't touch too much on things like racism and homophobia since it's a far-future dystopian society where things are far more about social class than they are about identity, as in while there still does exist racists and sexists and homophobes, the society is pretty egalitarian if that makes sense (in the way that while there's a massive wealth gap and horrible abuses of power by the rich, these issues don't target anyone in particular besides the poor, and anyone in this story can be poor or rich). But if this was set in the modern day world, yeah, I'd have to touch on real-world topics that I have no personal experience with.

Edited by WarJay77 on Jun 24th 2021 at 10:55:08 AM

Author checking in, and may I just say:

I was honestly kind of worried about what I may have unleashed upon an unsuspecting forum, and seeing the level of understanding and cordiality in response to the rather...well, hot-button character that is Praline makes me feel genuinely warm inside. Who says discourse is dead?

In any case:

@Tonberry

Your concerns are understandable and real. I'm straight, and I am in fact writing outside my lane. I want to lay it right out, however, that Praline's Gayngst will not be played for humor in any capacity. Hell, any jokes at her expense will have absolutely nothing to do with her sexuality (things like accidently scorching her mouth when she eats a buffalo wing without knowing just how hot it is, accidently grabbing a cupcake by the top when she gets flustered and getting frosting all over her hand...).

I don't have the right to make jokes out of something so serious when I don't have a dog in the race, and I have no delusions to the contrary. Praline's issues have utterly ruined her life, and I will approach that with all the gravitas it is due.

As for the Aesop of her story, Sword Of Knowledge got it right. I did give it a mention, but it was so offhand looking back that it's worth clarifying: Praline is being victimized by someone: a horrible, sadistic, predatory fiend named Tia who is feeding Praline's anxiety and sense of victimhood For the Evulz.

The Aesop of the story won't be "Minorities need to stop being a victim" (that's a whole can of worms I'd really rather not open, even with an opinion on that notion), but as Sword Of Knowledge put it "Be careful what you believe online, take care who you trust" and my own addendum, social media is the worst thing ever invented.

What inspired Praline's tale is the trend I've noticed in fiction and in discourse regarding LGBT people: homophobia being the single issue they really face, or if not the single, the biggest, most all-consuming one. Granted, I'd have to be delusional to think it's not a problem, and a colossal one at that. But the story has been told over and over and over and over again in media with different coats of paint.

I wanted to approach from a different angle and have a conflict stemming from another source, one that may not be as pervasive on the surface as homophobia but can be just as ruinous to the LGBT community: people realizing they're gay, not knowing who to turn to, and then falling in with the most toxic, horrible people online. Immersing themselves in extremism, losing themselves and everything they care about as their anger and distrust festers and makes them into monsters...

Just from an outside perspective, such a thing disgusts me to my core simply due to the betrayal and the loss of innocence involved, at the hand of people who by all accounts should be some of the 'good guys' in the fight for justice and equal rights.

Edited by krimzonflygon2 on Jun 24th 2021 at 4:25:56 AM

You seem to have reached a consensus, but as someone on the LGBT+ community I wanted to add, that I find your viewpoint interesting and an issue worth exploring. As long as you write with care and listen to other LGBT+ people's opinions on it I'm sure you can write something that's respectful while adressing a genuine problem.

Edited by Winterbird on Jul 23rd 2021 at 12:30:15 PM

I think I might be here for a while, so let me introduce you all my Urban Fantasy protagonist.

Name: Bohemia^note ”Mia” for short, her mom calls her “Bo”

Age: 366^note Passes for a college student

Backstory: Bohemia is the daughter Asmodeus and Lilith, a Royal Succubus and inheritor to the throne of the Lust ring of Hell. Having Parental Neglect the majority of her life thanks to the reckless indulgence of her mother and especially her father, she longed to go to the human world and find the companionship that her parents refused to provide her, and, after over 300 years of waiting, she finally escaped. She now walks among us, trying to uphold the Masquerade while also dealing with family drama and her demonic nature.

Personality: A confused and insecure girl, she doesn’t want to become a queen and has no interest in the family tradition. Despite her upbringing, she treats social interactions with a surprising amount of levity, although she’s not exactly good at conversation.

Abilities: As a Royal Succubus, Bohemia has access to Demonic Magic, most notably Hellfire, levitating and teleporting objects^note She mostly uses this one to clean up and get dressed quickly, and the gale storms of the Lust Ring, among others. She can also fly with her Succubus wings.

Weaknesses: In spite of her power, she isn’t adjusted to actual combat and would rather avoid fighting as much as possible, her strategy is, at its core, “throw big magic at enemy, then fly away”.

Goals: At her core, Bohemia just wants a life. She wants to go out and experience the world that her mom and dad refused to show her, and she wants to befriend someone, though she fears that You Can't Fight Fate and that she may one day become the queen of lust.

Relevant Tropes:

• All of the Other Reindeer: Her odd behavior by virtue of not having much interaction before her arrival has left humans thinking of her as “that weirdo”.
• Ambiguously Brown: As the daughter of the first woman, Bohemia doesn’t really look much like any human ethnic group, which only made her feel more like an outcast.
• Celibate Hero: An asexual Succubus, she has been teased by other Succubi for her unusual personality.
• Kaleidoscope Hair: White in demon form, black in human form.
• Screw Destiny: Bohemia wants to ignore her mother’s wishes and rejects the idea of becoming a Demon Queen.
• Shameless Fanservice Girl: As her mother was banished to Hell before the invention of clothing, Bohemia is a nudist, and only really started wearing clothes when she entered the human realm^note but when she’s home, however…. This trope created some rather humorous circumstances when she arrived on Earth.
• Winged Humanoid: Has white demon wings.

Edited by GeneralGigan on May 10th 2022 at 11:35:36 AM

I'll be honest, I don't think she's the most original character ever. The insecure young girl with a destiny or obligation she doesn't want to follow is being done a lot. On the other hand a socially awkward personality is usually endearing to readers and the fact that the destiny she's refusing is reigning over Hell is an interesting twist. Develop her well, give her some quirks and relatable traits and you should be fine.

Right, I'm going with the first POV character of my story:

Name: Homura Ó Broin

Age: 14-15

Personality: A Jerk with a Heart of Gold who's gruff and humorless to everyone but those he cares about. Underneath his tough guy exterior there's a deeply wounded kid with problems trusting others and bad self steem. He has a dry sense of humor and a paralyzing fear of crabs. He can take jokes about his phobia altough the origin of it is not very funny.

Abilities: His time in the Cult of the Lost One wasn't fun, but it did give him some magical skills. Ironically, or perhaps because of it, despite the cult having an intense focus on water and the ocean, Homura is skilled with fire spells. His favorite tactic in combat involves turning himself into fire and fly around his opponent to burn and confuse them at the same time.

Weaknesses: He's still young and in training, not to mention he has a bad habit of impulsiveness specially when under pressure, nervous or scared. His tactic of "Hit hard and move fast" also tends to tire him out quickly.

Goals: Become a good warrior and guardian for Madina and its people, enjoy the summer with his friends and leave his past behind.

Motivation: To become a better person and reject the teachings and ideals taught to him in the Cult of the Lost One.

Role in the story: As mentioned above he's one of the POV characters and a protagonist.

Backstory: Homura's first memories are about living happily in the big city with his mother, until one day she took him to the Cult of the Lost One and became physically (partaking in the Training from Hell the cult forced him to partake in) and emotionally (constantly ignoring his complaints about the life in the cult, dismissing his feelings or reframing them as him being selfish or at fault) abusive. One day, while out hunting, he met a guardian of the city of Madina who convinced him there was a better life for him away from the cult and his mother. Now he lives in the local orphanage, and has close friends and a boyfriend but is still haunted by his past and thinks often about his mother.

Relevant Tropes: 

• Abusive Parents: His mother would force him to suffer Training from Hell and didn't care how much the cult was hurting her son both mentally and physically.
• Battle Couple: With Domino. They're both aggresive fighters and he admits to finding Domino's brutallity kind of attractive.
• Covered in Scars: As a result of his life in the cult
• Crush Blush: Gets this when his boyfriend is being overtly teasing or affectionate.
• Deadpan Snarker: Has a dry wit, specially when dealing when the eccentrities of his friends.
• Hair of Gold, Heart of Gold: He may appear jerkish but he's fiercely loyal and protective of those he cares about.
• Like Brother and Sister: With Shahrzad and Vanilla. Both are younger, quirky girls, and he's ready to defend them from anyone who mocks or belittles them.
• Platonic Life-Partners: With Mau, both bonded over their respective parental issues and fears of not belonging and have been inseparable ever since.
• "Well Done, Son" Guy: Used to be this, when he was found and before coming to Madina, wanting to please his mother even if it hurted him. Now, not so much.
• Why Did It Have to Be Snakes?: Is deadly afraid of crabs due to being dragged to a "purification" ritual that involved being trapped inside a barrel full of the things when he was younger. He likes Gallows Humor about it, though.

Interesting, audiences tend to like Jerk with a Heart of Gold characters, and having the protagonist be a cult member isn’t something I think I’ve seen anywhere, though I do believe the would-be fanbase might get turned off to him if things don’t line up perfectly.

Anyway, meet this Deconstructive Parody of the Eternal Hero, a courageous All-Loving Hero that fell into a Punch-Clock Hero after eons of combat. Including immortality rules too complicated for their own good.

Name: None^note They’ve been reborn so many times that they refuse to think of themselves by any name.

Age: Complicated, while they’ve lived millions of lives since time immemorial, constant rebirths cause their age to reset.

Personality: Early on, they were your average hero, All-Loving, yet they threw themselves into danger without any concern, but countless lives of nonstop losses and victories have diluted their heroism. Nowadays, they’re a Punch-Clock Hero with Sociopathic Hero and Celibate Hero tendencies, treating full blown wars, apocalyptic scenarios, and saving the world like just another day at the office.

Abilities: Their immortality has many rules, which are as follows.

1. The moment that they are conceived, they immediately receive a vision of the crisis that they must stop.

2. They are born 20^note Or the 20 equivalent in whatever species they come back as years before the crisis, this is so that they have enough time to prepare for what they must do.

3. They are not bound by race, biological sex, or even species, they can come back as anyone or anything based on what is needed for the crisis.

4. They cannot lose memories by natural means. They remember every time they have been conceived, every moment they spent in the womb, every life they ever lived and every moment in those lives.

5. Every skill they ever gained are retained in their future lives.

6. Despite the label of immortality, they live a standard lifespan, they have gone through the life cycle countless times and they remember every moment of it.

Weaknesses: If they die, they are dead until 20 years before the next crisis occurs, which is the only way to properly deal with them and seal their defeat.

Goals: Complete the mission, nothing more, nothing less.

Motivation: After millennia of doing hero work, they just wanna retire! They seek to finally end their adventures once and for all, but they know that they must continue to save the world in order to do so.

Role in the story: The story begins after eons upon eons of heroism, so what the viewer sees in just another life in their endless days.

Backstory: Every Airport Novel you’ve ever read? That’s their backstory.

Relevant Tropes:

• The Ace: After countless lives, they’ve perfected hand-to-hand martial arts, swordsmanship, gunplay, and military tactics. Getting into a fight with them is a crapshoot.
• Broken Ace: …But at the same time, they have saved so many people so many times that they fail to see their accomplishments as anything of note, even the most over-the-top action scene is just another day on the job.

I feel like I need a little more about our protagonist in this sense. Surely after going through plot after plot untold thousands of times (and sometimes repeats or sequels, even), they've got to find some ways to cope with all the crap they've no doubt had to deal with. Like, do they face everything with a bit of snark ("Oh, the villain is an incestuous evil overlord; how 'original'."), or even some mild PTSD? Are there times when they kind of half-ass their approach (Bad "Bad Acting" in this sense) or long for some moments of spontaneity?

How exactly does the cycle work? Because them getting visions "the moment they are concieved" makes no sense. I don't think a zygote is conscious enough to receive premonitions.

This might sound like a nitpick, but if it's what the character is based around, you need to make sure you have the details down pat.

I'm curious what POV you're writing in since they have no name? How are they referred to?

I also agree that this is a little vague for me to get a strong sense of character. Although I do like the rules with the immortality also questioning #1. Is it like, a soul thing? That would be the only way I could see them getting a vision the moment they are conceived is if it's because that's when the soul attaches. But idk, maybe you have something else in mind?

Just an idea I'm working on right now. Thought I'd share it for some feedback.

The story is a weird cross between Black Lagoon, The Wire, 100 Bullets, Donnie Brasco/Infernal Affairs, City of God and Yume Nikki, and it's a retelling of Prohibition-era gang wars set in an alternate version of Chicago during the early-2000s where Al Capone was never indicted on tax evasion charges and doesn't die from pneumonia in prison, and lives to become the legitimate face of Midwestern organized crime back in the 40s, and where the biggest gangs work closely with the local office and run their crews like corporations.

It's also where hit squads/bounty hunters are unofficially sanctioned by the city to carry out nasty deeds for the gangs, in order to minimize civilian casualties.

There will be 4 protagonists in the storyline, though they're not necessarily heroes.

The first is a stoical young woman, possibly Irish-Italian descent, who was raised to be a contract killer. A notorious hit squad in the city locates her mentor and attempts to hire her to join their crew. Despite appearing aloof and cold-hearted while committing hits, the emotional weight takes a toll on her, and she attempts to balance the weight of her action through lucid dreaming, a technique taught by her mentor.

The second is a quiet welder whose father, a notorious Mafia lieutenant, was murdered right around the time he returns from war torn Eastern Europe as a UN Peacekeeper, a tour that gives him a pessimistic outlook on life. After a brief scuffle by members of his new crew and to uphold the hierarchy of the organization, he becomes the leader of a crew, and quickly rises through the ranks.

The third is an undercover cop caught up in the corruption of the city's police, and attempts to apply a clean veneer over his work, though this proves difficult. A man whose parents were murdered in a crossfire during a gang war between the Mafia and the Irish Mob, he longs to restore a pre-Prohibition utopia of the city. His job? Go undercover as part of the second protag's crew.

The fourth, who appears much later, is a returning soldier from Iraq after a traumatic battle in an unnamed Iraqi city. He is currently seeing a shrink in town, and has a troubled relationship with his wife, while another part of him longs for a war. He soon gets caught up in the gang wars, and becomes a prospective contract killer himself.

Edited by YouSitTightBuddy on Oct 19th 2021 at 11:32:02 AM