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Recap / One Thousand Ways To Die Season 2

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    Episode 13: Death on Arrival 
  • #948: Titty Titty Bang Bang: A wannabe actress working low-level temp jobs decides to give up and become a stripper, but first goes to a plastic surgeon to get insanely large breast implants. Unfortunately, the surgeon was a quack who gave her the equivalent of water balloons instead of silicone implants. A while after the woman boards a plane, the faulty implants inflate due to the changes in atmospheric pressure as the plane ascends, eventually exploding and killing her.
  • #714: Forked Up: Two pot-smoking workers decide to goof around by having one drive a forklift while another rides on a platform while tied to the forklift with a rope. The rope ends up getting caught on another vehicle, constricting one of the stoners until it cuts him in two.
  • #590: UninTented: A nymphomaniac dumps her boyfriend during a desert hike because he can't satisfy her and decides to zip herself in her tent and do it herself. The tent is soon carried away by a strong gust of wind and comes crashing down on the roof of a shack, killing her on impact.
  • #123: Tali-Bombed: Two aspiring terrorists build a bomb to attack a police station while discussing which American actresses they'd like to bang. They forget to take into account Daylight Savings Time, realizing their error too late when the bomb goes off an hour beforehand, blowing the two would-be terrorists to smithereens.
  • #515: Vike-O-Done: A Viking defeats and beheads a rival. While swinging the severed head in triumph, its teeth hit the Norseman's leg, causing a deadly infection, which kills him as there was no such thing as antibiotics and doctors back in the Viking days.
  • #444: Deadliest Munch: After burning a roast for dinner, a lesbian tries to lighten the mood by showing her lover the string candy bikini she's wearing under her dress. Her lover partakes of the edible underwear until a piece snaps off and chokes her to death.
  • #913: Dead Meat-Eorite: A devout Christian tries to invite people at a pool party to his prayer circle, but ends up getting ignored and made fun of. His antics are brought to a spectacular end when a stray asteroid falls towards the earth and blasts him through the torso.

    Episode 14: Death Bites! 
  • #451: Ass-Phyxiated: A chubby chasing salesman seduces a particularly large-bodied woman. She passes out from an orgasm while on top of him and inadvertently asphyxiates him with her ample bust.
  • #103: Work of Fart: A fraternity student hires a trainer to help him produce flaming farts for a contest. The trainer uses a lighter to ignite a fart, only to get burnt by the fireball the student produces.
  • #76: Crash-Endo: A talented, yet very clumsy violinist falls down a flight of stairs while on her way to an audition for her city's philharmonic. More concerned for the upkeep of her hands than her own safety, she makes no attempt to stop her fall and ultimately fractures her skull.
  • #505: Vermin-Ated: A robber on the run from the law gets himself stuck in a drainage pipe. He cries and shouts for help, but no one can hear him. Things get worse when rats come to feast on him, starting with his eyes and working their way to his brain.
  • #105: French Fried: A French Maid wraps herself up in Christmas lights to do a sexy dance for her employer, an old man already near-death and kept alive by his bedside respirator. Because the wiring in the house is so old, a short circuit causes the respirator to shut off, asphyxiating the old coot.
  • #803: Bomb-Bino: A man indebted to the mob and unable to pay them back is forced to dig his own grave while a couple mobsters watch him over a relaxing picnic lunch. The man finds an old grenade while digging and, not knowing what it is, throws it at the mobsters. The grenade goes off and kills the mobsters, while the gravedigger is spared thanks to the dirt mound from his digging making a barrier.
  • #186: Die-Agra: A wife in a dying marriage tries to kickstart her husband's sex drive by putting some ground-up erectile dysfunction pills in his beer. The man takes some more ED pills before paying a visit to his mistress, who also puts ground-up ED pills in his drink. This ultimately results in him having a heart attack due to 900mg of ED pills causing too much blood to rush from his brain to his pecker.
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    Episode 15: Up With Death 
  • #485: M-R-Ouch!: During her night shift at the urgent care, a nurse who worked as an Army medic is held hostage by a drugged-out robber. She calmly gives him narcotics from the pharmaceutical cabinet, but it isn't enough, as the robber also wants to rape her. The nurse lures the robber to the MRI room by slowly stripping her clothes and tries to keep him distracted so she can disarm him with the magnets from the MRI machine. When she activates it, not only does it pull the gun away from the fiend's hand, but it also pulls him in and gives him fatal brain damage from the ensuing head-on collision because the robber had a metal plate in his head.
  • #229: Succu-Offed: Two stoners make off with a stolen cactus to add to their collection. Soon, the two end up having a very bad drug trip after drinking mescaline, causing them to flee in terror. One of them falls on an Agave plant and gets stabbed through the heart. The other runs into the stolen cactus and gets stabbed through the eyes and brain.
  • #432: Coming & Going: A make-up artist with a biker boyfriend ends up having an orgasm while riding on his bike, due to the motor's vibrations. She ends up falling off the bike and dies of broken bones rupturing her organs.
  • #150: Coffin Nailed: A necrophilic morgue worker has sex with a corpse before delivering it to the funeral home. He forgets to secure the coffin in the hearse after the deed is done, and when he makes a sudden stop, the coffin hits him in the back of the head and severs his brainstem.
  • #89: Greased Is the Word: A would-be jewelry store robber, unable to see well thanks to the pantyhose he used as a mask, accidentally holds up a gun store. The patrons and clerks, all legally armed and well within their rights to defend themselves, riddle him with bullets. One of the shots nails him square in the heart.
  • #110: Blades of Gory: A washed-up hockey player in a city league gets into a fight with one his teammates. When his opponent is knocked over, the blade from his ice skates slices through the bully's carotid artery, causing him to bleed out.
  • #611: Boris Bititoff: A group of bumbling Russian soldiers are sent to Chernobyl due to their incompetence. When one of them is denied the chance to get it on with a female comrade, he tries to get his rocks off with a raccoon.note  The creature bites his penis off, and he bleeds out.

    Episode 16: Putting a Happy Face on Death 
  • #712: Rub-a-Dubbed Out: A scumbag who just robbed a blind, pregnant woman of her groceries is running from a cop and hides in a car wash. When the owner activates the maintenance cycle, the robber gets disoriented and falls back on a water nozzle. He gets impaled through the skull, which is filled with so much water that it pops like an ugly zit.
  • #616: Cock-a-Doodle-Die: A cockfighter cheats by putting razor blades on his chicken's feet. When it becomes known that he's a no-good cheater, the angry mob causes him to fall on the ground, and he ends up having his jugular sliced by his own bird's blades.
  • #534: Chucked Up: A woman playing out a bondage fantasy for her husband at work via webcam is subjected to a burglary. Unable to do anything since she put duct tape over her own mouth and cuffed herself to the chair, the burglar tauntingly thanks her, subjecting her to his wretchedly bad breath. The odor is so bad that she vomits, but because her mouth was taped up, she ends up choking on her own barf.
  • #332: Little Person, Big Death: After a wrestling match, two little person wrestlers wreck a motel room to impress a couple of groupies. They run headlong at a wall, with one of them busting his head through. The other, unfortunately, hits a stud, causing his brain to bleed and swell up, killing him.
  • #254: Booby-Zapped: A man suffering from crippling paranoia over world events has his house rigged with multiple booby traps. He takes sleeping pills to help him sleep, which have the unfortunate side-effect of inducing sleepwalking. One night, he sleep walks his way to his fridge for some leftover chicken, evading all of his traps along the way. When he sits to enjoy his midnight snack, he accidentally activates one last trap: a laser-activated shotgun.
  • #234: ReToaded: Two stoners head to Peru for the ultimate high, hearing of a toad that secretes a powerful psychoactive. They mistake a poison dart frog for this toad, and the secretions they lick off the frog are actually a powerful neurotoxin that paralyzes them and stops their hearts.
  • #144: Vegged Out: After getting a date with a well-endowed bicyclist, a gardener decides to practice fellatio with a zucchini. She steps on a hoe, which jams the vegetable into her windpipe and chokes her to death.

    Episode 17: Bringing in the Dead 
  • #528: D.U.Die: Two drunks go for a joyride. One of them gets carsick and leans out a window to puke. He then gets his head taken off by a mailbox.
  • #146: Belly'd Up: An aspiring belly dancer practicing for an upcoming contest gets her scarf caught on a ceiling fan and accidentally hangs herself.
  • #217: Suck Her Punched: A boxer, who doesn't take lightly to being called a lady, also happens to be a Wholesome Crossdresser. When a rapist tries to attack him, thinking he's a female boxer, the boxer (in a cocktail dress, wig, and heels) knocks him out with a strong right cross (triggered whenever someone calls him a "lady"), hitting him in the temple, causing fatal bleeding in his brain.
  • #177: Jack 'n' Croaked: Real-world whiskey distiller Jack Daniels (named "Jasper" in this story) tries to come up with the perfect recipe for a new whiskey. After seven tries, he comes up with the perfect mix and tries to put his secret recipe into his safe. Unfortunately, Jasper is too drunk to remember the safe combination and ends up kicking it in frustration, causing his toe to be infected to the point that he comes down with sepsis and dies.
  • #657: Dead Heat: A woman has her boyfriend sample some exotic spices. The boyfriend suffers from asthma, which she doesn't know about. He keeps breaking out an inhaler to keep his asthma under control, but when it runs out of medicine, he dies from a massive asthma attack.
  • #96: Poi Vey: An Orthodox Jew tries to win the affections of a hula dancer, but his attempts come off as invasive and the hula dancer rejects him after he tells her that he wants to marry her, but only if she'll convert. He drowns his sorrows in booze, takes part in a fire dance, and ends up catching fire and burning to death.
  • #412: ReTired: A blind, elderly man sits in his classic Chevy and reminisces before quietly passing away. At the same time, a hoodlum holds up a gas station. The old man's car brakes gives out, causing it to roll down a hill and run down the thief as he makes an escape.

    Episode 18: Gratefully Dead 
  • #599: Mercury in Uranus: A pervert who has repeatedly been in the hospital for sticking objects up his butt is in the hospital again after "accidentally" getting a shampoo bottle stuck there. After having the bottle removed, the doctor leaves for a while, leaving the man to indulge in his squicky hobby by sticking nine rectal thermometers up his rear. When the doctor comes back, he lays back on the bed to hide his actions, only to have the thermometers break in his ass, lacerating his rectum, and exposing his blood to mercury. He dies of mercury poisoning while bleeding out.
  • #297: A Turn for the Purse: A bike-riding mugger robs a former stripper's purse with a screwdriver.note  He makes a run for it when a neighbor gives chase, but ends up falling off his bike and on his screwdriver, piercing him through the heart. Adding insult to injury, his would-be victim then strides over and reclaims her stolen purse.
  • #102: Dead Weight: A drunk weightlifter lifts up a 350-pound I-beam in his latest act of Testosterone Poisoning. He loses his grip on it, though, and it falls on his windpipe.
  • #310: Cult Evaded: A Goth teen orphan is subject to an exorcism by her hardcore Christian foster parents and neighbors.note  They burn coal and incense in an enclosed tent, which causes the foster parents and neighbors to die on the smoke and fumes. The goth, having been tied to the ground, survives, since the air close to the ground was still fresh, and runs off to go to the mall.
  • #463: Smoke-A-Doped: A sex-addicted woman is given an ultimatum by her boyfriend: either she gives up smoking, or she doesn't get any more sex from him. The woman covers herself in a month's worth of nicotine patches to stop cold turkey, but dies of a heart attack caused by the excess nicotine from the patches.
  • #655: Two Stoopid: 2 deaths for the price of 1! At the same time, on opposite ends of the country, two idiots decide to partake in extreme sports after drinking beer. One decides to try do-it-yourself bungee-jumping, and dies when he hits the ground because the rope was too long. The other invents a sport called "mattress surfing," in which you ride on a mattress tied to a car going 60 mph. The mattress surfer wipes out and becomes roadkill when he hits the asphalt.
  • #204: Cream-Ated: A man who was (most likely sexually) abused as a child by his deranged uncle wearing a cow costume develops a fetish for drinking milk straight from a cow's udder. On this occasion, the cow kicks his head in and causes fatal brain damage.

    Episode 19: Come On, Get Deathy 
  • #113: Tanks for Nothing: While a female Buddhist meditates in a specially constructed sensory deprivation tank, she is unknowingly joined by a Florida water moccasin, one of the deadliest snakes in America. The snake bites and kills her with its powerful venom.
  • #332: The Choke's on You: A boring little person tries to do musical stand-up comedy so he can make money for his bitchy girlfriend. She gets fed up with his unfunny jokes and hits him in the face with her purse, causing him to swallow his harmonica and choke on it. She doesn't realize that he's not being funny until he finally dies.
  • #111: Back Broke Mountain: An unhappy husband plots to kill his wife and collect on her life insurance by shoving her off a cliff. She ends up shoving him off the cliff in self-defense instead. Oops.
  • #120: Grateful Bed: To avoid getting thrown out of his apartment when the landlord comes to evict him, an aspiring musician hides in the wall behind his Murphy bed. He ends up trapped, however, and no one can hear his cries for help since his room is soundproofed with egg cartons. He eventually suffocates to death.
  • #479: Fore Head: A would-be burglar hides behind a virtual golf game's projection screen, waiting for closing time before raiding the arcade. When he gets bored, he cuts a hole in the screen to peer out, just in time for a player to send a golf ball at him, hitting him in, and breaking, his skull.
  • #333: Booty Trapped: A gold digger plays with money she swiped from her stingy husband in a secret vault until a freak earthquake shakes the room, causing the bags of money to crush her.
  • #412: S**t Canned: A jealous man attends the wedding of a woman he wanted to marry and plans to prank her with a laxative-spiked martini. The waiter he hired to help in the prank, however, has a pang of conscience and gives the jealous man the tainted drink. When the drug takes effect during the toast, he rushes to find a bathroom, but the bathroom is occupied by a couple having sex. He finds relief in a trash can, but gets stuck. His attempts to get out causes him to tip over and roll down a hill, causing death by brain injury, internal bleeding, breaking every bone in his body, and then some.
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    Episode 20: Death Watch 
  • #238: Washed and Fried: A group of strippers pose as college co-eds holding a charity car wash. While washing the van of a dirty old widower, the faulty wire of their electric buffer touches some water and electrocutes them all.
  • #300: Bad Hair Day: In the 1950s, a woman who loves her bouffant, and slathers hairspray on it to keep it lofty, refuses to have sex with her boyfriend to keep her hair from getting mussed. While the two sit out on Lover's Lane to smoke cigarettes, the flame from her boyfriend's lighter turns her hairspray-laden 'do into a towering inferno that quickly spreads to her scalp and fries her brain.
  • #539: Micro-Whacked: A junkie high on several drugs at once (cocaine, PCP, and several prescription meds) sticks a lava lamp in a microwave to speed it up. The lava lamp turns into a deadly grenade that scalds his face and gets glass shoved into his eyes and brain.
  • #88: Pussy Whipped: A man volunteers to look after his girlfriend's cat, despite that he has allergies and hates that his girlfriend loves her cat more than him. While drunk, he tries to kick the cat, but slips, knocks himself out on the fireplace, and falls face first into the cat's water bowl, drowning.
  • #457: Blend-Dead: A health nut who makes smoothies from the fruits and vegetables in her garden inadvertently poisons herself because her landlord sprayed her garden with rat poison once a week while she was at work and the woman kept drinking her poisoned smoothies in a failed attempt to heal herself.
  • #116: Shanks for the Memories: A washed-up golf player and her husband are at each others' throats during a day of golfing. When they argue and confess to cheating on each other while riding a golf cart, the cart rolls down a hill, crushing and battering the angry couple.
  • #142: Snake Du Jour: An underground chef specializing in serving endangered animals in an illegal restaurant tries to cook a king cobra, but gets bit and lethally envenomed.

    Episode 21: Waking Up Dead 
  • #662: Phone Boned: To cure her texting addiction, a woman goes for acupuncture therapy. It doesn't take, though: while the therapist goes to get more needles, she tries to reach for her phone, but falls off the table. A needle that was placed directly over her heart gets lodged in her skin and pierces it, killing her.
  • #521: Toilet Rolled: A functioning alcoholic construction worker with his own steamrolling business uses a port-a-potty, but forgets to put the brake on his steamroller, which flattens him like a soda can getting run over by a car.
  • #559: Mile Die Club: An abusive man follows his now ex-wife onto a plane to stop her from leaving. He sneaks into the cargo bay of the plane she boarded (this story takes place in the late 1990s, when airport security wasn't as tight prior to 9/11), not noticing or caring that planes have that "No Animals in the Cargo Bay" sign for a reason. The man is found dead later from suffocation and freezing to death.
  • #140: Bitch Zapped: A nagging wife rags on her Hen Pecked Husband for his inability to mow the lawn right. When she shows him how she wants him to do it, she runs over the cord to his arc welder (which he was using for his car) and electrocutes herself. The man takes a sip of his now dead wife's martini and exclaims, "There is a God!"
  • #331: Texas Fold 'Em: When he is revealed as a cheat while playing poker, a junkyard worker tries to hide from the mob in an old car. Unfortunately for him, that car is scheduled to be crushed, and he ends up crushed with the car, unable to escape when a claw pins his leg to the car.
  • #168: Written Offed: When facing foreclosure by a particularly snotty banker, an immigrant military surplus store owner tries to warn the banker against using a particular pen. The banker really should've listened: the pen is actually a small-caliber gun which shoots him in the head.
  • #817: Ball 'N Pain: Two idiots steal a Zorb Ball (a ball you can roll downhill inside, kind of like a life-sized hamster ball) and try to play in it, but end up going down a very sharp incline, breaking every bone in their bodies and their skulls against one another as it rolled at 75 mph.

    Episode 22: You're Dead! LOL! 
  • #198: Samurai Death Squad: Japanese American teenagers engage in a dangerous sport where they joust at each other with tuner cars. The fun and games end when one guy gets a spear through the eye.
  • #856: Shafted: A bitchy office manager ends up trapped on an elevator, which sets off her claustrophobia. Desperate to get out, she has her workers pull the doors open so she can climb out. The elevator's hydraulic breaks give out, though, and the descending elevator bisects her.
  • #343: Smoked: A teen who's sick of his friend bumming cigarettes off him stuffs some cigarettes into a double-barreled shotgun and blasts them in his face as part of a prank. Turns out, even cigarettes can kill with the same deadly force as a bullet.
  • #413: Just Plane Dead: A former Gulf War pilot who got fired from his job as a commercial pilot for drinking now spends his days harassing people in public parks with his remote-control airplane. On this day, the ex-pilot loses sight of the plane when it flies towards the sun, but managed to find it again when it impales him from behind.
  • #108: Exhaustdead: A woman in an abusive relationship with a man decides to secretly dump her scumbag boyfriend. When he finds out, he decides to load a paintball gun and shoot his girlfriend and her new boyfriend. He dies while waiting in the car because he backed into some trash and the exhaust pipe was so clogged up that the carbon monoxide began flooding in (the man had his windows up).
  • #227: Ruffed Up: A woman desperate for work takes up a job as a dog walker, even though she hates dogs. She ends up dragged along the ground while walking several dogs at the same time and, unable to free herself from the leashes, crushes her temporal lobe on a tree.
  • #115: Lady & the Trampled: At the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally in South Dakota, a chauvinist pig of a biker learns the hard way why men aren't allowed to touch strippers during their performance after ripping a dancer's top off and being stampeded to death by other rowdy bikers.

    Episode 23: Dead to Rights 
  • #118: Blown Job: A woman with an addiction to energy drinks refuses to give her boss a blowjob in order to get a promotion.note  When another worker, who is a man, does the deed and gets the promotion, the woman chews out her boss for being a pig, and ends up dead from a massive heart attack caused by her energy drink addiction and her anger.
  • #335: Anger Damagement: While watching professional wrestling, a man from anger management class goes off on his friends and runs head first into the television, dying from a triple whammy of glass in his face, a broken neck, and electrocution.
  • #235: Wrin-Killed: A purse-snatcher gets the snot beat out of him when his mark, an elderly woman, puts her 30 years of experience in Tae Kwon Do to good use and caves in his windpipe with a well-placed jab while passersby laugh, cheer on the old woman, and even record the attack on their camera phones. Always remember, Never Mess with Granny.
  • #98: Huffington Toast: Three huffers get high on aerosol. One of the morons douses himself in some industrial solvent, then asks for a light so he can get warm. Boy, does he get warm. As an added bonus, the two idiots he was huffing with get arrested for manslaughter.
  • #157: Hydro-Co-Done: A couple get drunk on booze and pills while relaxing in a hot tub. The hot tub malfunctions and continues to drive up the temperature. The couple is too drunk to notice that their hot tub is turning into a pot of boiling water. As a result, they are boiled alive.
  • #218: Samu-Fry: Two bored Japanese-American teenagers fight with katanas after spending their afternoon watching samurai movies. Predictably, they take it too far and as one is about to land the killing blow on the other, his sword hits a power line and zaps him.
  • #236: Screwged: A Christmas-hating Grinch chases off some carolers with rotten fruit. The spirit of Christmas pays him back with a skull fracture from a large hailstone.

    Episode 24: Dead on Dead 
  • #101: Weenie Roast: Some Christian campers enjoy a drunken game of Truth or Dare. One dare is to go pee on an electric fence. A guy who follows through on it gets a shock up his pee stream and through his weenie, electrocuting him.
  • #202: Reef Stew: A South Pacific tribe of cannibals who has gone without meat for the better part of typhoon season come upon a couple of drug runners who wash ashore. The overjoyed natives beat the two drug runners unconscious, strip them naked, and boil them alive. At last, fresh meat! Praise the gods!
  • #889: Fiddle Licked: A Middle Eastern terrorist posing as a rug salesman is dispatched by a CIA agent disguised as a violinist. Her weapon of choice? An experimental laser gun concealed in her violin case which fries the terrorist's brain with gamma radiation.
  • #224: Snakey Breaky Neck: A spoiled rich tool goes off a jungle trail against the warnings of his guide (whom he would rather bang than listen to her advice about surviving in the wild) and lies down for a nap, only to wake up with tarantulas on his leg. He flees in fear and thinks he's safe, but ends up getting choked out by a boa constrictor.
  • #540: Beer Bashed: A rugby team throws a party after losing a big game. One player, drunk and angry, throws a keg into a bonfire because he wants his beer to be warm like in England. Bad idea: the heat from the fire causes the keg to explode like a giant frag grenade, slicing the player up with large chunks of shrapnel.
  • #321: Bad Assid: Four friends experiment with the mind-melting drug LSD. One woman (who recently broke up with her boyfriend) takes two hits and, while tripping balls, tries to do a belly flop into a pool. The pool was empty, so the girl just ends up breaking her back.
  • #176: Tree Mugger: To prevent a tree from being cut down, a hardcore environmentalist chains himself to a tree. His plan succeeds, but it turns out to be a bad idea when a wandering bear sees the man as a free lunch and tears out his guts and genitals.

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