"The Devil is real, but he doesn't turn up in a red suit with hooves. You have to imagine him as like a disease that you get — you pass it on and you don't even know it. Educated people don't call it the devil; they call it trauma. It rewires your brain and tries to spread itself down to the next generation and the one after that, the pain rolling down through time. … But if you want to fight him, the way you do it is by making sure you don't pass on the trauma. That's how you kill the devil. The only way".
— John
If This Book Exists, You’re in the Wrong Universe is the latest in the Cosmic Horror Comedy series of books written by Jason Pargin, preceded by John Dies at the End, This Book Is Full of Spiders: Seriously, Dude, Don't Touch It and What The Hell Did I Just Read: A Novel of Cosmic Horror.
In this book, our reluctant heroes Dave, John and Amy are older but not wiser. The hellgate under the town of Undisclosed is once again the epicenter for weird shit. A mysterious well-dressed man materializing in John’s bedroom wall leads them to a popular children’s plush toy (with accompanying cash-grab mobile app, of course) demanding sacrifices of human body parts. Once again it’s a race against the clock to prevent the apocalypse, and all they have in their corner are a bunch of haunted dolls, an energy drink called “Fight Piss”, and (ugh) Joy. And now there’s time fuckery involved! Will they be able to stop the sacrifices before the Magpie is hatched? Who the hell is the “Time Captain”? And more importantly, will they ever get some ice cream?
Released in October 2022, this book continues the trend of extending the POV to the rest of the trio at a regular pace throughout the book, rather than mostly confining itself to just David. It is also the first in the series (not counting reprints) to be published under Pargin’s own name rather than the “David Wong” pseudonym, though the book still maintains the conceit of being written by Dave himself.
If these tropes are listed, you’re in the wrong universe:
- Abusive Parent: Dalton Galveston, and how. The man had severe hangups about his daughter’s sexuality, and his constant toxicity and abuse nearly resulted in the end of the world. He physically and sexually abused her, shipped her off to one of those “troubled teen” boot camps and it’s implied he killed her (or at the very least drove her to kill herself), resulting in his son’s Start of Darkness.
- Accidental Misnaming: John is notoriously bad with names, and initially misidentifies their client (Regina Galveston) as “Vageena Galvatron”. Even after he’s corrected, he (and other characters) continue referring to her and her family with the surname Galvatron, even in the narrative. He also misidentifies Tim Kaplan as "Time Captain".
- The Alcoholic: John is still a heavy drinker, and one version of him is said to have died in a drunk driving collision. However, his alcoholism is less pronounced than in previous books.
- An Aesop: If all you see in the world is evil, that's cynicism and depression speaking. There's as much good as bad out there as long as you're willing to acknowledge it.
- Arbitrary Skepticism: Dave initially doesn't think there's anything to Galvatron job when he hears that it involves a toy. He explains that it might seem a little rich for him to be skeptical, but actually the team gets tons of cases that turn out to be nothing (he just doesn't write about them because they're not interesting). For some reason, it's particularly common with "haunted" dolls, to the point Dave now refuses doll-related jobs on principle. Not that this ever stops John.
- At Least I Admit It: Fancy Dave, an alternate Dave who got a different job and became middle-class after John's death in a drunk driving accident, insists that he's superior to our Dave. Main Dave admits that Fancy Dave has many things that are objectively better—most importantly, health insurance good enough that Amy can get the back surgery she needs—but that at least Main Dave acknowledges that he has psychological issues and is fucked up, unlike Fancy Dave.
- Attack the Mouth: When Dave slides into an evil alternate dimension at a quickie mart, he notices a magazine called Jawbreaker, which is apparently just a collection of pictures and articles about people getting their teeth smashed out.
- Aw, Look! They Really Do Love Each Other: Dave has two moments regarding John. When he thinks he's about to die, he turns to John and tells him, "Our life together has been da filthy," using John's Forced Meme that he hates. Later, he tells Fancy Dave that the reason he failed was because he lacked a John and asserts that having John around is better than Fancy Dave's economic prosperity.
- Awesome, but Impractical:
- John’s computer, which is connected to a projector so the display takes up an entire wall and can be controlled by gestures. His POV claims he can control it “as smoothly as a symphony conductor”, but Dave’s POV later contradicts this, saying they couldn’t get it to work and resorted to just using the mouse and keyboard.
- John’s five-barreled shotgun, which Dave says is just as likely to explode when the trigger is pulled.
- Bait-and-Switch: After the prologue, Amy is conspicuously absent from Dave’s apartment. The narration seems to imply she’s died or broken up with him, but actually she’s just vacationing in Japan and he’s depressed.
- Big Bad: The mysterious old man who appears to Dave in the shop. We later learn he’s Bas Galveston, from the future.
- Big Good: At first it seems the “Time Captain” might fulfill this role, but he’s being manipulated by Xarcrax just like everyone else. In actuality it’s Bas’s late sister Silva who breaks the time loop so her brother (and our heroes) can set things right.
- Call-Back:
- Several people reference the BATMANTIS??? from WTHDIJR, and it’s apparently become something of an urban legend with conspiracy types claiming it’s Dave’s alternate form. They’re correct.
- This book also discusses the economic fallout from the heavy flooding seen in the last book.
- Cassandra Truth: Sebastian’s frustration with society’s ignorance and apathy toward his Abusive Parent, disregarding or outright enabling their behaviour, is his entire motivation for getting involved with Xarcrax.
- Chekhov's Gun: The “positive energy” dolls, the mysterious geosynchronous satellite, the resin-encased parasite… all come back to play some crucial role in the story.
- Cool Car: These days, Dave drives around in a classic Chevy Impala that he got from the Knolls in WTHDIJR. He's annoyed by the attention it receives.
- Continuity Nod: Dave mentions urban legends that residents of Undisclosed turn into shapeshifting monsters, which he says are at least partially true.
- Corrupt Cop: Detective Coiffure reveals that he's perfectly comfortable killing people to make his job easier.
- Crapsack World:
- Whatever place is on the other side of the book portal. It’s eternally dark and the only inhabitants we see are “giant Mad Max motherfuckers” with the equipment, know-how and inclination to violently vivisect human begins, or groups of starving prisoners who are willing to trade severed human body parts for a few bottles of water. Later, it’s implied it might actually be the timeline mentioned below.
- The Bad Future where Bas Galvatron and the Xarcrax cult take over. Aside from the Techno Dystopia elements mentioned below, the sky has been completely blacked out by the fully-grown Magpie, which now surrounds the Earth swallowing billions of severed human faces that are somehow alive and screaming in agony the entire time. Sheesh.
- The briefly glimpsed world where Dave is the night warden in some kind of concentration camp. The prisoners are referred to as 'pigs' and can be subjected to starvation orders and having their tongues cut out, and the wardens can get away with feeding them rotten food. Why they're in there and who is running the world isn't explained.
- Danger Takes A Back Seat: David makes it habit to say something like "I was wondering when you would show up," whenever he gets into his car to throw off anyone who might be waiting for him in the backseat. In the end, he tries to pull the back seat stunt on Dalton, but he falls asleep waiting for him, and Dalton spots him before getting into the car. David has to awkwardly convince Dalton to get into the car to talk.
- Desperately Craves Affection: This is the whole deal for most of the guys in the Simurai. When Joy is interacting with them, she notes one of them hasn’t been touched in seven years. Most of them don’t want to do fucked-up shit, they’ve just spent too much time being isolated. A touch on the cheek is all it takes to convince one to run off and start improving his life.
- Does This Remind You of Anything?: The Simurai are a group of lonely, angry young men who have been radicalized by an internet community into believing there is a group of people who can be guiltlessly, even happily, destroyed, and the world will someday violently change and put them on top. (It's probably not a coincidence that they decide Amy—the only female member of the main trio—is the one who's not a person).
- Eldritch Abomination: As per usual for this series. This time around we have Xarcrax, a crab-monster / cult movement / mobile app / process to torture the entire human race and end the universe, named after a few misplaced letters of the brand name of a plastic drink cooler. Though of course the shadow men make their usual appearances, and one offhand line even implies our old buddy Korrok may be involved.
- Everybody Lives: Thanks to the use of Reset Button at the end, every casualty of the main narrative is undone. Although Dave then kills Dalton Galveston anyway.
- Evil Is Petty: After revealing her true nature, Eve takes a moment to taunt Dave and company by saying that their fireworks suck.
- Forced Meme: John refers to something as da filthy, which he insists to Dave is the hip new slang the cool teens are using, but then he continues using the term because it pisses Dave off.
- Foreshadowing:
- Dave tends to leave Joy out of his storytelling because he's not quite sure what to make of her and is kind of uncomfortable with the whole "swarm of hundreds of extradimensional bugs disguised as a human" thing. Fancy Dave's plan for saving the day doesn't work for this exact reason. Only when Dave brings Joy onboard do our heroes actually have a fighting chance.
- Whenever Dave tries to get some information about Joy's mysterious properties or abilities, she usually responds by turning the question back at him. This seems merely flippant until the end, when it's clear that she's also referring specifically to how Dave is the BATMANTISS??? and therefore has unknown qualities of his own.
- Future Slang: When Dave gets sent to an dark alternate future, he reads a magazine called Jawbreaker that he finds incomprehensible. From the text provided, it's clear to the reader that it's an article about smashing a man's teeth out told in an almost impenetrable layer of subculture-specific slang and jargon.
- Greater-Scope Villain:
- The shadow men are implied to be, if not directly responsible for the story’s events, then at least tangentially connected to or taking advantage of them.
- Xarcrax itself. Whatever the hell it is, it already existed by the time Bas Galvatron came around, and he merely latched onto it and helped it along as a way of getting back at society.
- If Marconi’s writings are to be believed, everything in the entire series might be the result of the cosmic equivalent of “gods and devils” fucking around to spite each other
- Historical In-Joke: After the orbital weapon fires the second time around, Dave tells Bas to teleport the projectile “to Siberia” and “about a hundred years” back in time, thus implying the events of this book are responsible for The Tunguska Event.
- Humanoid Abomination: Joy is one of these, but luckily she is Intrigued by Humanity and is perfectly happy being a fairly ordinary healthcare worker, podcaster and John’s roommate. We are also reminded Dave is technically one of these, with the story all but confirming he is the BATMANTIS??? from What The Hell Did I Just Read. He can turn into something terrifying, at least, and Joy teaches him how to do it consciously for the first time in order to kill the big butcher dude.
- I Just Want to Be Normal: Joy is a shapeshifting hive mind from outside our universe, but she just wants to eat ice cream, host a podcast and work at the local nursing home (that last one being at least partly why she’s Intrigued by Humanity).
- Inherent in the System: Bas Galveston’s belief in this is behind the entire plot, a burning conviction that not just his father needs to be punished, but the entire flawed society that enabled Dalton to keep getting away with his heinous acts against his own children, and It Is Beyond Saving.
- Lame Last Words: Discussed a few times.
- In the first go-through, John's last words turn out to be "Knife to meet you!"
- Dalton Galveston threatens David by saying, "One of us is about to get a major reality check." Dave notes that is seems fitting that those became his last words.
- Leaning on the Fourth Wall: In David's encounter with the old man, he says "What I am doing has already been done. The book is written; I can flip to the ending right now, if I so desire".
- Malicious Misnaming: While on the Sauce, Dave envisions himself as a warden in a concentration camp and has a bitter rivalry with another warden who always calls him "Wally." Dave understands that it's supposed to be an insult but doesn't understand why.
- Mentor Occupational Hazard: Discussed. Upon learning of Dr. Marconi's health problems, Dave compares him to Dumbledore, Qui-Gon Jinn, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Mufasa, Wade Garrett and Mickey from Rocky III, confidently stating that people like that can't die.
- Morality Pet: Bas's relationship with his younger sister ultimately keeps him from becoming evil.
- Missing Time: At three different points Dave, John and Amy jump ahead several minutes or even hours at once. The reason for this is the appearance of Fancy Dave from another timeline, whom the Universe apparently don't want them to remember.
- The Multiverse: A recurring theme throughout the series, though it’s not as prominent this time around. However, Xarcrax is the first Big Bad to actually exploit the multiversal nature of the setting to its own gain by feeding off of multiple doomed timelines. Though the book seems to draw a distinction between parallel timelines and actual Alternate Universes. We see one with a much wealthier, more successful version of Dave, as well as one where he’s night warden at some kind of horrifying concentration camp.
- No Name Given: In spite of his fairly large role, we never learn the actual name of Detective Coiffure.
- Offscreen Afterlife: It clearly exists, but we never see it. Apparently the dead can see everything going on in our universe(s), even across multiple timelines, but rarely interfere because it’s just too difficult. Silva Galveston describes it as “trying to play chess by blowing on the pieces”.
- Offscreen Moment of Awesome:
- We see only the aftermath of Dave's transformation into BATMANTIS???, during which he ripped apart the hulking Mad Max attacker.
- Dave kills Dalton Galveston, who lifts weights, trains Muay Thai, and has a loaded rifle beside him. We don't find out how. David only reveals that the last thing Dalton says in the chapter were his last words.
- Once a Season:
- As per usual, the Soy Sauce (now nicknamed “Armus / Arby’s Sauce”) comes into play, though this time it’s accidental. David touches some sauce on the cover of the Xarcrax book and goes on a trip that allows him to finally understand some of the time loop they’re all trapped in.
- John dies (or appears to die) and then turns out alright once again.
- Portmanteau: It's never acknowledged in the text, but the Simurai have apparently taken their name from "simulation" and "samurai."
- The Power of Rock: Carrying over from previous books, the creatures of darkness can’t stand the sound of good music. It's not clear whether "good" music is defined by the characters' appreciation of it or if there is some objective quality. It is used to great effect against the Magpie when it hatches. Dave describes it as “like a grenade going off inside a chicken”.
- The Reveal: John's kitchen has a cabinet door ominously labeled "Do not open." When Detective Coiffure instinctively moves to open the door, John stops him, saying it would make a terrible mess. Much later, the door actually does get opened, revealing that it's filled with wadded-up plastic shopping bags, which pour out all over the floor. Dave says it takes a half hour to return them all to the cabinet.
- Reset Button: Blowing up the Magpie and Bas refusing to follow the dark path resets everything back to the first chapter of the book.
- Ripple-Effect-Proof Memory: Generally averted, as characters only remember the previous timelines as faint glimpses of deja-vu or dreams that lack context and are soon forgotten. Played straight at the end, where everyone inside the van that exploded the Magpie retains their memories of that timeline's version of events.
- Set Right What Once Went Wrong: The story kicks off with a mysterious man appearing in John’s wall practically naming this trope word for word. Zig-Zagged in that the “Time Captain” is actually helping Xarcrax by repeatedly sending himself and Dave back in time to “fix” things, giving the Magpie more doomed timelines full of suffering to feed on. It’s not until Silva breaks the loop by killing him that our heroes are actually able to try and Set Right What… well, you get the picture.
- Skewed Priorities: A common theme has our heroes trying to do (or arguing about) something trivial in the middle of life-or-death events. One example is Joy pointing out that John has gotten the DEFCON system backwards while they're in the jaws of a monster. Even the level-headed Amy can't help but agree.
- Signs of Disrepair: It's a running gag that basically every sign in Undisclosed is missing letters. Keeping track of which ones are missing spells out: XARCRAX IS YOU
- Stable Time Loop: Hoo boy. Get out your corkboards and coloured thread, people. This one’s a doozy. Bas Galvatron reaches back in time to mentor his younger self and thus bring about his own rise to power by having his teenage self lead a cult in sacrificing body parts to an egg to create a crablike monster that travels back in time to become the “parasite” creature from the prologue so that John and Dave will catch it and trap it in resin and sell it to Ricardo Porkfart, who loses it in the river, causing it to be discovered and opened nearly 100 years later, whereupon it will impersonate Bas, enslave humanity and end the universe. Phew! Thankfully, the loop is finally broken when Dave and John smoke weed with teen Bas and set off a chain of events culminating in his rejection of his future self, causing the “parasite” to never exist.
- Stealth Hi/Bye: Dave frequently notes how Joy can appear or disappear without anyone noticing. We see her do this from her perspective when she's impressing the Simurai, breaking apart into 777 insects and flying to a new location while they're distracted.
- Surprisingly Happy Ending: Especially given the other books usually end on a bittersweet note. Thanks to Silva’s interference, Bas rejects his future self, erasing the bad future and resetting everything back to the Fourth of July. Even better, Bas and Gracie escape their abusive father, and Dave apparently makes him disappear. And they work out a deal with Marconi to pay them a steady income. No other deaths, no houses burning down, townwide disasters or alternate universes getting destroyed.
- Take That!: The Magpie toy is one to addictive kids' games and lootbox-type toys. Even without being a conduit for using suffering to summon an eldritch monster of untold malice into our world, the thing's pretty sinister—it's built to keep you constantly paying attention to the app, with features to milk you for ever more money, and the method that determines what color Magpie you get is essentially gambling.
- Talking the Monster to Death: It’s rare that a JDAT book doesn’t end with the Big Bad getting violently blown up. Zig-Zagged in that trying to talk Bas down at the climax of his Evil Plan doesn’t work. Travelling back in time to give him a bit of marijuana-assisted therapy, though? Works like a charm. Joy and John are able to peacefully subdue the rest of the Simurai with a friendship circle and some inspirational speeches. The Magpie still gets violently blown up, though.
- Technically Naked Shapeshifter: Joy once again demonstrates this by transforming her appearance to change her outfit as part of her dazzling display to the Simurai.
- Techno Dystopia: The bad future where the Magpie is fully unleashed has a Terminally Dependent Society with billions of people walking around in HUD masks that constantly play the future equivalent of addictive mobile games, to the point that they’ll let their bodies shrivel away and the masks meld into their flesh.
- Tele-Frag: The man who appears to give John a message accidentally materializes halfway inside John's bedroom wall, cutting him off halfway through. It's extremely messy and cleanup necessitates cutting out that part of the wall and incinerating it.
- Thinking Up Portals: Bas Galvatron’s primary power. He shows just how dangerous it can be, using it to escape dangerous situations, literally rearrange a person’s guts, pull objects out of locked containers, and in one case, vanish an orbital projectile that was about to level the entire town (though the effort almost kills him).
- Trademark Favorite Food: Joy is constantly talking about getting ice cream.
- Voluntary Shapeshifting: Joy is capable of this, being an interdimensional swarm of insects masquerading as a human and all, but she never uses it “onscreen” for more than aesthetic costume changes. The other examples occur offscreen, when she convinces Dave to voluntarily transform into the BATMANTIS??? to kill the hulking butcher who came through the portal. It's likely that this is also how Dave kills Dalton Galveston at the end.
- What Happened to the Mouse?: The extremely emaciated man implied to be a version of John who eats the pizza crusts out of Dave’s trash is never seen again or explained.
- What Measure Is a Non-Human?:
- Women Are Wiser: As usual, Amy is the responsible one of the group as well as the one with the strongest sense of morality. This book also adds Joy, who presents as female despite being a hive mind of 777 insects. At one point, she flat-out tells John, "I am more competent than you are."
