Superhero Concept -- How good are these names?

Considering New York's living expenses, Madison would be VERY well-paid. It costs an arm and a leg in the San Francisco Bay Area now, and NYC isn't too far behind. It's better if she doesn't have a house in the heart of the city, but that probably means long-ass commutes. Flying would cut down on gas and public transport costs.

edited 12th Dec '16 11:10:55 PM by Sharysa

Not bad, I'll consider those.

Don't worry, being a hero means getting the big bucks. Living in New York is not an issue.

I got some more characters to keep this going.

• Blitzwolf / Frantz Richter — A very well-regarded Protector from Germany, who had a reputation for always getting the job done. He had wolf abilities such as heightened senses, enhanced strength, and a sonic scream. He also had a humanoid wolf form that evoked the appearance of a werewolf. Despite being scary looking, he was very much a Nice Guy and a loving father, making him a literal Papa Wolf. Blitzwolf isn't actually part of the story as its being told, but rather, he was a factor in a Death by Origin Story. After Lucia Gane was brainwashed and transformed into B. Hood, and effectively made into a Super-Soldier, he stands as her first notable victim. A Mist operation took place in Zürich, Switzerland, involving several hostages in exchange for a prized artifact, and B. Hood was along on her very first mission. Blitzwolf led the Protectors operation to dismantle them. This caused B. Hood to step in and fight Blitzwolf. It initially seemed like she was outmatched, being a smaller, inexperienced fighter with only the enhancements and training going in against a highly powerful, highly-celebrated hero who was known to never lose. She ultimately won by exploiting the fact that he was pulling his punches due to him not wishing to kill someone who seemed so harmless. Ultimately, she won by poisoning him with her mustard gas, and then finishing him off with a shot to the head. After killing him, she repeatedly bashed his skull in with her bat and then spray painted LOVE B. HOOD ❤❤❤ next to his corpse for everyone to see. His death dealt a huge blow to the Protectors, and established B. Hood as a highly dangerous criminal.
• Scratch II / Alicia Hill — A 22-year-old Protector from Manhattan who is the closest friend to Adele Wallers, or The Vigil. She is of Mixed Ancestry, being half-white, half-black. Like Adele, she is reluctant to take up the job of being a hero, but for a different reason. Alicia is very self-conscious about her body, despite being very attractive, and feels very awkward when showing a lot of skin, but her alter ego requires her to wear a Stripperific attire, which consists of a Leotard of Power that emphasizes every curve, complete with Stocking Filler to to draw attention to her legs. No, she cannot get a more modest costume, because that would "destroy the image". She likes wearing it as much as you can imagine. This contrasts Adele, who is very confident in her sexuality and doesn't hesitate to flaunt herself. Apart from the fanservice-related comedy she brings, Alicia is a cat-themed heroine who has all the enhanced reflexes and abilities of a feline, and her nails are practically claws. No, she doesn't make cat puns and she's not about to start, either. These powers were inherited from her mother, the original Scratch, who was also known for being a Ms. Fanservice back in her prime. Outside of being self-conscious, she's a Nice Girl who is always willing to help others, and eases Adele through her frustrations of being expected follow in her own father's footsteps.

Villains

• Kuraikage — Not really one villain, but a title. The Kuraikage is the Arch-Enemy of the Shirokage, this rivalry dates back centuries and spans a multitude of people have carried the title. The blade grants the wielder much of the same abilities of the Shirokage, but it feeds off of souls of its victims to gain more power. The Kuraikage haven't been active since the Splisen War, where the Shirokage and Kuraikage fought alongside each other, as both stood to lose equally in a Splisen victory. Since then, there haven't been any signs of the Kuraikage, but rumor has it that the latest one to wield the blade resides in a remote island somewhere in Okinawa, training people into being killers, and trying to find the worthy successor to the blade. One character, after learning of this, seeks out the training of the master.

Blitzwolf's name sounds a litttttle too close to World War 2 in my opinion. Yeah, we use the single term "blitz" a lot in English, but when you start mashing it with other words, I get the feeling some people might accidentally call him "Blitzkrieg." Also, some people might think "wolf" is a typo because they're used to seeing BeowUlf the ancient Germanic epic, even though that's clearly centuries old.

As for Scratch, I know you're going for comedy, but "messing up her image" and "it's her mom's costume" are NOT good reasons for wearing something that you hate. Especially not something that YOU HAVE TO FIGHT IN. Stockings and a leotard WITHOUT some form of shield/armor, which she hates to death? She's going to be cringing and uncomfortable EVERY SINGLE SECOND IN A BATTLE, unlike her mother who explicitly loved showing off. Regardless of her cat-themed abilities, she has a big chance of getting hurt because she's constantly distracted by her discomfort. There's a reason Defeat by Modesty is a thing, you know.

Surely she's had some kind of practice/training with her mother? I can't imagine why her mom would continue forcing her to wear it, because since that outfit is so Stripperiffic, it's going to be INSANELY clear if she's tense/cringing and distracted. She won't even let her use a bodysuit instead? That technically covers everything up, but it's still skin-tight and shows off your curves, plus it's really "old school." Stuffing your self-conscious daughter into an outfit she hates and will have to fight in sounds like she's more concerned about her own legacy/image than, you know, her daughter's safety.

edited 13th Dec '16 1:09:23 PM by Sharysa

That's actually the thing I'm going for. Protectors plays with every superhero trope associated with the genre, and the omnipresent Fanservice is no exception. Many characters are deliberately designed to be sexy, but often it's a Justified Trope as each character has a reason for it, though their level of enthusiasm for it varies. Also, expect Lampshade Hangings and other variations, rather than just a purely straight example that goes complete unacknowledged. Not all of them wear revealing attire though. Switch is one example of a female hero in a modest costume, and naturally, she'll lampshade other heroes having sexy outfits for no apparent reason.

Another thing. Superheroes may be good people, but they don't make for the best parents, a theme in my story. The Watcher for example, wants what is best for his daughter, and to him that means following in his footsteps as a hero (he's very highly-regarded as one of The Seven responsible for defeating the Splisen). However, at the same time, he's so out-of-touch with Adele on non-superhero related matters that he was completely oblivious to the fact that she has a boyfriend, and was horrified after learning that because of what it implies, despite the fact that she's 22 and it's perfectly normal.

So Alicia's mother wanting to preserve the legacy is something that falls in line with the theme. She was quite the show-off and can't imagine the icon being changed like that. She's not unaware of her daughter's issues, but believes that she'll build confidence in herself through action. Yes, this is an issue the kids of famous superheroes face, they always want them to live up to their image, regardless of their willingness for it. Sounds a lot like what famous actors do with their kids, doesn't it?

I'm not trying to sound like a prude, but I'm kinda beginning to see a bit of a pattern with some of your female characters. most of them (with a few exceptions) were basically made for fanservice. now there's nothing wrong with that. I have plenty female characters who are sexy but it's at best an afterthought. some of your characters are most certainly not built on making a big deal about it .but, there's just this nagging feeling that it's just not right. could be my inner prude or something.

Oh, so I actually interpreted it perfectly, then.

Although on the "famous actor" analogy, it's actually not very common. Even the famous actors don't seem to pressure their kids into the "family business" as often as people think, because performing arts are almost exclusively done by people who WANT to do it. Doing individual jobs for the money is VERY different from legit not wanting to act in the first place, plus it's very high-risk-high-reward to trumpet your relative as a second generation of performers. If they're good, it's great, but if they suck at it, everyone's gonna find it hilarious/lamentable.

Although weirdly enough, the opposite is certainly true because normal people seem to find it okay to pressure their kids to become famous artists just because they want money/fame (and possibly the fame/fortune THEY never had.)

My theater professor has a LOT of stories where shit with props/sets went wrong and left him with chronic injuries—outwardly he's pretty damn solid, but he needs to warn people when he goes through metal detectors because he's gotten several surgeries to get plates on his bones, and sometimes he won't SIT DOWN because his bad hip makes it hard for him to get back up. And that's just acting with FAKE combat. Maybe Scratch I is making her daughter take up her extremely skimpy mantle because even if she's still in her thirties/forties and looks better than some twenty-year-olds, she's got a lot of old wounds that forced her into semi-early retirement?

Not exactly. I'm just using the Ms. Fanservice trope while developing the characters, due to the superhero genre being rife with fanservice. At the same time, I'm doing my best to make sure that, regardless of how much fanservice they display, they have defining aspects than just being appealing to look at. The trick is to make sure that the audience sees more in the character than just being a Ms. Fanservice.

Yeah, I get that. It's just commonly known about famous actors, hell big names in general, forcing their kids to follow in their footsteps regardless of their own happiness. This was like the superhero equivalent to that. But yeah, the original Scratch didn't take having to retire so well, which is why she wanted her daughter to carry on that legacy.

It should be pointed out that fanservice for the sake of fanservice more often than not is not a good thing. Don't just put in fanservice just because "the superhero genre is rife with it." Such a thing runs the risk of objectification and, in the worst case scenario, may make readers wonder if you're whacking off to your characters.

My recommendation? Seriously think about why you're making your female characters fanservicey. What does it add to their character? Why do they absolutely need to be dressed that way? Would it really change their character all that much if they were dressed differently? And are you only applying this to female characters?

And don't use "the superhero genre is full of fanservice" as an excuse, and definitely don't use "I want readers to see past the fanservice." The first one is a lame excuse used many times already, and the second one tries to shift blame onto the reader for a design choice you made.

edited 2nd Feb '17 1:21:07 PM by dragonfire5000

I think it does add to a character when done right. For example, can you imagine characters like Black Canary or Poison Ivy not utilizing this trope? That's what I'm thinking of. At the same time, there is more to these characters than just looking sexy. Tropes Are Tools, after all.

As to what it means, I'll give you an example of how in one case it's symbolic. B. Hood gets her name because she models herself after the Little Red Riding Hood. However, her outfit is a "corrupted" version of the fairy tale character's modest attire, being made Stripperiffic beneath her iconic red hood. This was intentional, because it represents corrupted innocence. This is much like B. Hood herself, having once been an innocent, modest, Nice Girl before Mist got involved and made her into a Brainwashed and Crazy Psychopathic Womanchild killer.

That's one example, but as I said, when making a character a provider of fanservice, I'm trying to play around with the idea, much like many other superhero tropes. Also, yes, males provide fanservice too, I wouldn't just have the women be the ones who get the attention, as there's plenty of Shirtless Scenes for the guys, as well as catering to women in general.

Also, as I said, not every female character is subjected to this. Switch, as mentioned, is pretty modest. Wingspan is another modest female hero, yet another contrast between her and her sexy supermodel girlfriend.

The point I was trying to make when I said that was because the point of Protectors is to create an entire superhero Verse dedicated to toying with as many superhero tropes as possible. Because Fanservice shows up everywhere in virtually all superhero stories, I feel like it should be also be utilized here in order to stay true to that idea.

Actually, I can imagine Poison Ivy without the fanservice bit: put more emphasis on her Green Thumb powers and have her appeal come less from her stripperiffic outfit and more on inhuman beauty to further emphasize how "other-like" she can be. Can't comment on Black Canary though, since I've never read her books.

B. Hood I think is a good way to handle a theme, though I think it kind of carries a bit of the "being violated turns you into a nymphomaniac psychopath" implication. There are certainly other ways to show "loss of innocence" other than stripperiffic clothes. Like bloodstains. Lots and lots of bloodstains. Hey, the red has to come from somewhere, right?

Also, another word of advice: when pandering fanservice to women, make sure you do some research on what women actually find attractive in terms of fanservice. Too often than not I've seen the assumption that "bare-chested muscular men = what all women want." Those are often more like power fantasies for men than fanservice for women. It would definitely be an interesting topic to research.

Here's a nice video that was posted by Aprilla in the "Male Roles vs. Female Roles in Fiction" thread. The characters are from video games, but still has some nice points on character-writing in general:

edited 13th Dec '16 9:50:47 PM by dragonfire5000

as someone who's trying the best in her power to pander to females, I feel like what they want never appealed to me personally. I'm more of the minority of women who are very visual in sense about their men, although I'm not really much of a shallow.

When I decided to tried to figure out way to pander to women, I've realized that no matter what I do, I turn most women off. Apparently, a half-naked wizard doesn't do much for women unless you slap some personality to it, which I mostly agree with. But then there's some kinds of fanservice that I can never understand personally, like ship teases between male characters, pretty boys (although Ezaniel is a pretty boy himself and a flip ton of others), and whatever. Most of these never appealed to me whatsoever for some reason.

Then what does it have to do with fanservice then? Well simple, apparently, and can't warp my head aware thid, men and women are fundamentally different when it comes to fanservice. Men are more easier pander than women because women never had a chance to speak up on what they want (although it's cutesy for my taste). But then again men and women are varied even some share a few things in common on what they look for fanservice. But who am I to judge. I'm just a minority who has the brainset of dude.

I dunno about that "Bare-chested = Male power Fantasy" thing. I've seen a few too many romance novel covers with hunky bare-chested men on them to really believe that's always the case.

edited 14th Dec '16 3:24:14 AM by Murataku

@UltimateLazer - first of all, I like all the recent names, and most backstories behind them (the Kuraikage one is especially interesting, at least for me), but I have to agree with people who say that Alicia should really be wearing something more than a Striperiffic outfit. If you really wish to preserve the "mother wants daughter to wear skimpy outfit, because image" storyline, perhaps you could have her finally deciding to stop catering to her mother's wishes and put some actual clothes/armour on as Character Development?

Depends on the size of the chest, though. There's a reason Bishounen are Fanservice fuel for many women, while giant bodybuilders with muscles that look like something growing under their skin are more of a male power fantasy (with exceptions, of course).

edited 14th Dec '16 3:58:52 AM by Kakai

Hence why I said "bare-chested muscular guy =/= what all women want." While "bare-chested muscular guy = male power fantasy" is something I've seen most often in video games, I do think that it showcases a rather shallow form of pandering and is too often used as a way to shut down criticism towards putting women in stripperiffic outfits.

A good thing to do is think about why bare-chested men are considered fanservicey. What is that bare chest supposed to represent, and how does it differ from a bare-chested woman in terms of what makes it "sexy?"

To expand on your "stop catering to mother's wishes and wear something else bit," it's actually a character arc used in Pokémon Sun and Moon. Spoilers: Lillie's outfit resembles a creature known as an Ultra Beast, and that outfit was forced on her by her mother Lusamine. Lusamine, infected by Ultra Beast neurotoxins, has become so obsessed with the Ultra Beasts that her relationship with her children has become abusive. Lillie has an outfit change later in the game that not only represents her newfound self-confidence, but also shows she's found the strength to stand up against her mother.

Goes to show that you don't need for an outfit to be stripperiffic to convey the same themes. If you absolutely have to use a stripperiffic costume, I ask that you think about the following:

• Why is the image so important to her mother? Don't just say "Because it's her image!" Really think about what sort of impact this "image" had on the original Scratch and why she's so desperate for her daughter to uphold it. This not only helps develop the mother's character, but it also helps flesh out Alicia's relationship with her mother.
• How has wearing this costume affected Alicia? It's something she clearly doesn't want to wear, and she's probably had to deal with some unsavory comments about it. How has it affected her and how she interacts with people? Don't just say "It's there because superhero stories have stripperiffic heroines!" Forget about that and really think hard about what sort of effect such an outfit will have on a character who doesn't want to wear it but was forced to.

I'm glad I'm getting these responses, it helps me think about these things. Anyways, to answer your questions:

• The reason why it's so important to her is because, as the original Scratch, she had a reputation for being the Ms. Fanservice among heroes and was basically the sex symbol for heroism. She even posed nude for magazines and the internet (for reputable businesses of course, she's a professional). You could say she really liked being the center of attention, because she knew she had the sex appeal for it, but also proved she was more than just looks, because she kicked obscene amounts of ass. But being forced into early retirement did not sit well with her, so she's sort of trying to live that glory again by having her daughter carry on the image. She couldn't imagine why her daughter would have such issues that she has, because Alicia has very much inherited from her in the looks department. In a twist, Adele actually has a lot more in common with Scratch I personality-wise because she is very confident in her looks and wanted to be a model before her father essentially forced her into the hero business, and she design her costume specifically to look sexy. As you can tell, familial relationships for heroes aren't always the best. Though, Scratch I never says something like "why can't you be more like Adele?", because she might be demanding but she's not that mean.
• It's definitely not helped with her self-confidence. As Scratch II, she's been expected to be every bit of a sex symbol as her mother, which isn't what she wants to be. Naturally, things get awkward for her when she has to interact with people in her very revealing outfit. Some men are distracted by what they see, much to her displeasure. She also tries not to interact with kids when she's wearing it, because that would give the impression that she's a bad influence for them. When she's herself, she's actually very friendly towards kids and will spring into action the moment they are threatened. With other heroes, it's not usually a big deal, because female heroes wearing revealing attire is nothing new.

Just to let you guys know, I've got the first four chapters of my story online. I posted it on FictionPress^note under the "Action" category. It's rated M, so you'll have to unfilter it each time you visit in order to see it, which serves as my way to share the story for now.

I'm going to continue this with The Seven. They were the Badass Crew and a Multinational Team that was commonly thought to have been responsible for ending the Splisen once-and-for-all (in truth, they weren't the only heroes that emerged to fight them, but they were the ones that most people knew because that's how PR promoted them — this is important, see below it).

Heroes

• Liberty / Thomas Williams — Originally born in 1920 in rural Iowa, the young-but-daring private was selected at the age of 21 to participate in an above-classified Super-Soldier program spearheaded by the US government in order to help bring an end to World War II (sounding familiar?). The process worked, as he was turned into a superhuman who possessed Super-Strength, Nigh-Invulnerability, Flight, and Eye Beams. His aging was also vastly slowed down. Despite being 137 in the current story, he's roughly in his 50s biologically. His costume evokes Captain Patriotic, as he has a star-and-stripes themed armor complete with a face-concealing mask that looks like an eagle. Also, he wields a sword though it has no special properties. For a long time, his identity was used as a symbol of hope for American, though most were unaware of his true nature as he continued to protect. That is, until the Splisen War happened, which forced everyone to stop hiding its secrets. Liberty became a symbol of hope as they brought an end to the Alien Invasion. He was pivotal in the founding of the Protectors, an international task force that served to keep the world safe through heroism. After spending nearly twenty years as their leader, Liberty retired to a life of peace, wanting to escape from conflict after spending over a century in it. However, when terrorist organization Mist begins to rise and threaten both the Protectors and the world, he may soon find himself coming out of his retirement.
• The Watcher / Byron Wallers — Born in Kent, England in 2008, Wallers is a genotype who can manipulate time. While he can't Time Travel, he has the ability to speed himself forward or back, freeze objects (but not people) in front of him, and shoot beams that age both people and objects until they become dust (his most dangerous ability by far, but he rarely uses it for obvious reasons). In his early adulthood, he moved to New York City where he met his wife Kim Shephard and had his daughter Adele Wallers, also known as The Vigil. He fought alongside the rest when the Splisen invaded, and risked everything to protect the world. He's also the only one of The Seven to still be a member as the current story begins. He's important as he's in charge of spearheading operations against Mist, and has a stellar record of constantly foiling their schemes. Additionally, he's central from the 22-year-old Adele/The Vigil's point-of-view, as she is constantly at odds with him essentially forcing her to follow in his footsteps and be a hero, while also being distant enough that he didn't even know she had a boyfriend.
• Spellcaster / Adriana Hollings — Hailing from Nice, France in at an unknown date, she is an extremely proficient wielder of magic, and was named head of a secret organization of magic known simply as The Order. For years, they were at war with another organization known as The Forces (Not to be confused with the Force). However, they ended their conflict when the Splisen attacked. After the war was finished, Spellcaster left the Protectors to continue as the leader of The Order. John Baen was student of it, and one of their best, having been trained directly under her.
• White Raven — The prize of The Forces. Where she hails from is unknown, as she was the result of fusing dark magic with the body of a young girl in order to be the perfect weapon. She is rather unstable to say the least, being that her normal mind and the mind of the dark magic were at a constant duality, and even the others had worried that she would try to kill them. She has the powers of dark magic, though it appears white, as with her, which is how she got her name. Realizing the destruction caused by the Splisen, she banded together, having Teeth-Clenched Teamwork with Spellcaster. After the Splisen were defeated, she stuck around for a while, but ultimately left because her mind was at constant torment and she didn't wish to harm her friends. What has become of her since then is unknown.
• Shirokage / Taro Hirano — The previous wielder of the Kage, and the father of the current wielder, ailing from Tokyo, Japan in 2000. Though he was heir to a massive and wealthy conglomerate called Hirano, he was raised to become the next Shirokage. With the blade, he held many abilities and had a secret war with his Arch-Enemy, the Kuraikage. In the war, they fought alongside each other in a truce. Eventually, he helped defeat the aliens. After that, he returned to run the company, while training his son Tetsu to be the next wielder of the blade.
• Valkyrie / Erika Kinsinger — A scientific prodigy hailing from Zürich, Switzerland in 2016. She was part of a program that developed special power armor. Only one was made before the lab was destroyed. She used this armor as a Super Prototype, and became known for what she is today. Practically a guardian angel, she soars through the skies, and is almost like a technological version of Liberty. Fittingly, he was his Number Two during the war. After it was done, she stuck around, but ultimately left so she could continue as a professor for a new generation in Switzerland.
• Big Thunder / Peter Robinson — Born in 2006 in the Australian Outback, he has the unexplained ability to control thunder and lightning. He is not a genotype, as he has been tested for it. His ability to create storms and summon attacks like he were Zeus has made him an extremely formidable foe. However, he tends to not want to fight, instead preferring to relax with a few beers. Nonetheless, he participated in the war against the Splisen and contributed to their victory. Since then, he's laid low as he doesn't want to get involved in all the chaos of being a Protector.

Villains

• The Crow / Charles Hall — The founder and leader of Mist. He was born in 1920, and was part of the classified Super-Soldier program just like Thomas. He has much of the same powers as Liberty, though his is more rooted in darkness. There was once a time where he cared just as much about protecting the innocent, and wanted to do good for the world. That changed as the decades went by. He became disillusioned as he watched the world continue to tear itself apart. Moreover, he suffered from jealousy, as Liberty took all of the credit despite him working just as hard. Eventually, he put aside his issues to fight alongside the other heroes when the Splisen invaded. Make no mistake, for the sake of the world, The Crow risked his life to make sure that the innocent were safe, just as he did in World War II. However, when the dust cleared, it was once again his old "friend" being given all of the credit for his heroics, because he simply sells better as a hero. When Liberty was made as the leader of the Protectors, The Crow bitterly left the organization. However, that wasn't going to be the end. The Crow decided he was going to form his own organization, and this one will be to serve his motives. From there, Mist was formed. Like the Protectors, they stand as an equal opportunity force of their own, having members from all over the world of all different races, genders, and creeds — those things mean nothing to him, so long as they're loyal. However, Mist seeks to cause havoc, for an unknown goal. Their only defined motive is the complete dismantling of the Protectors, and more personally, he wants to kill Liberty with his own hands. His appearance is naturally based off the crow, with black armor and glowing red eyes visible through his helmet.

edited 17th Dec '16 6:11:48 AM by UltimateLazer

Uhh, I know that Overwatch is one of your big influences, but at least try not to straight up copy characters and their relationship dynamics from it. While Liberty gets a pass for primarily bringing to mind the iconic heroes Superman and Captain America, and a more tolerable amount of Soldier 76, The Crow just feels like a blatant expy of Reaper, complete with Face–Heel Turn because of jealousy of a more heroic, more popular, more AMERICAN! hero. Also, if his powers are a "more rooted in darkness" version of Liberty's, what does that exactly mean? Liberty is a classic Flying Brick with Eye Beams. Are The Crow's powers "dark flight", "dark super strength" and firing beams of dark energy from his eyes? Because that is very Silver Age/lame. Then again, you might also deconstruct why a Silver Age edgelord type of hero wouldn't be popular in, well, any setting that isn't a comic book starring them, and how people's assumptions of Bad Powers, Bad People affect an otherwise good person who just happens to have stereotypically evil powers, ultimately resulting in a Then Let Me Be Evil moment with a full Face–Heel Turn. Or not. Whatever floats your boat, but if you don't make some drastic alterations to The Crow's character, be prepared to get called out on it by every reader who has ever played Overwatch.

Valkyrie having a mechanical body suit and being called an angel sounds like Mercy to me, and I don't even play Overwatch!

This last batch of heroes and villains sound like too close copies of other super heroes. They just don't feel that original to me. The first guy is basically Captain America with some more Superman like powers. Others just seem like strange stereotypes of people from those counties taken from other pieces of media (like the British guy having time control powers - kinda seems like a cousin of Doctor Who.) Also the Australian having storm powers? Is that some kind of joke on "the thunder down under?" If these guys are the original super heroes who fought the aliens, I'd think they'd be more organic and more representative of the cultures they come from, rather than dolled up stereotypes of what other heroes in fiction are like from those countries. I've been reading this thread for a while, since it started and I think your ideas need to be consolidated a bit, because you have so many characters and it almost feels like you're padding the cast with every superhero trope that's out there.

I was partially inspired by that, but that wasn't the only influence. Trust me, you'll see how different they are when it comes out. There is key differences in that he formed his terrorist organization by himself, whereas Reaper works with the bad guys as a mercenary. Also, Reaper fails at everything while The Crow straight-up gets shit done. Though, he's more of a Chessmaster at first because he's trying to conserve his strength and stay in the shadows while waiting for the perfect time to find and Duel to the Death with Liberty.

Also, his powers being rooted in darkness refers to his ability to utilize shadows as his weapon, as well as having dark energy beams. The fact that his powers were dark was in fact a defining factor in why he got passed over Liberty in terms of credit, because his powers weren't as easy to promote as being "good".

I tend to write with Loads And Loads Of Characters. Don't know why, it's just how I operate in most of what I write. Well, for this I have a reason. I'm trying to create a Verse like that of Marvel or DC (not quite as big, that's kind of impossible for one writer who doesn't have decades to create all the characters is focusing on a singular storyline, but you get what I mean). This is so I can fit as many as many types of heroes and villains as a I can and then write them in interesting ways that breaks from the norm.

I came up with these heroes because I wanted them to be different from each other. The only ones with similarities are Spellcaster and White Raven, hailing from the opposite magical organizations. They sort of had this "unlikely alliance" thing going on with them, as they wouldn't have banded together in any other circumstance. As mentioned, there weren't the only heroes to fight the Splisen, but they were promoted as the forces of good. All of them even got statues in the middle of New York! Naturally, getting shafted again had been the straw that broke the camel's back for The Crow.

interesting

The first chapter just doesn't flow right. It's an action scene, but reading it feels like they're doing bits of the fight, taking breaks to talk, and then resuming the fight. Everyone's actions are so separate from the rest of their side that I don't feel like they're a TEAM, they're just fighting mini-battles in their own little corners of the field.

This means I barely know who anyone is, just what they're doing. Hell, I don't even know what's happening when the dialogue starts. I don't know what Swarm is supposed to look like aside from "the guy who works with bugs" (you said he was from the Amazon, so he's probably Native American or Latino, but in the actual story he's just "the guy who controls bugs"). I needed two reads to realize that the Watcher is "the fifty-year-old guy who's been at this for twenty years."

Quick fix #1: Make your sentences longer. Stitch a few of the shortest ones together to give it more of a flow. Or make them longer by DESCRIBING what's going on in the surroundings, at least for a sentence or two. You may have fallen into the trap of "short sentences = quick = more action," but it's often LONGER sentences that give you a sense of movement because everything flows and you rarely stop for long.

Plus, many people think "oh, action scenes, just talk about the combat," but that's the opposite of what experienced fighters do—the Watcher is a Badass Grandpa and he's been doing this for twenty years, so he should be VERY aware of his surroundings, and by extension you need to be as well.

"With no effort" doesn't put any picture in my head. Does he just flick a wrist like Magneto? Is he just standing there? Is he annoyed because he's seen this so many times in his twenty years of fighting, or amused? Plus, guns sound like firecrackers—that's why shooting ranges make you use ear protection. How does everyone react to the noise?

Here's my hypothetical version of the action.

See how I used a paragraph to characterize everyone? The Watcher is a Badass Grandpa who's used to everything. Scarlet is fairly experienced and anticipates enough to get out of the way. Swarm is competent in certain areas, but either he's new to guns, or he isn't used to the NUMBER of them. After all, one or two gunmen in a street fight sound VERY different from a whole squad raining bullets on you. I gave a nod to what Scarlet did at the beginning, but focused more on Swarm because he's the person who needs immediate help. And now she's going to redirect the bullets from a specific place. She's not just vanishing and reappearing when people need her—she's on a roof because she didn't freeze up like Swarm did.

Quick fix #2: Read your stuff aloud to test how it sounds, and not just the dialogue. Good writing has an internal rhythm that everything falls into, including "small" things like dialogue tags. You have very few of them, which only makes the dialogue feel more out-of-place. Basically everything after the first couple sentences of your "action" paragraphs can be turned into some kind of dialogue tag, and this will avoid both getting Lost in Medias Res and the Talking Heads feeling. A lot of writers are afraid of dialogue tags because they don't know how to use them, but tags should be treated like extensions of the dialogue, and tell you what the character's thinking and doing.

I appreciate the feedback and help with my writing, especially since I haven't put my writing out before (I've written quite a bit, but never for an audience). I'll take what you say in mind as I continue to write my story. However, there is one thing I must disagree on.

Scarlet Black and Swarm may not have as much experience as The Watcher, who is legendary for being part of The Seven, but they aren't novices who wouldn't know what to do in a combat situation. There's a reason why they're a part of the Protectors. It's not just their powers, but also because they're good at what they do. They aren't newbies who are being brought along as a training exercise. They have a job to do, and they're going to do it.

See, I didn't get any of that. Even WITH reading this thread in the forums, Swarm and Scarlet are just... THERE.

I don't see character relationships or what combat styles they have (superpowers =/= preferred manner of fighting), and in their dialogue they don't really TALK, they just say standard "Combat-Scene" stuff. Now, that in itself can be used as a character dynamic since Casual Danger Dialogue isn't everyone's preference. But you need to set up their normal personalities FIRST, so we know they're shifting gears and not just cardboard cut-outs of superheroes.

Setting up the story (and new characters) don't have to be twenty pages—one or two paragraphs is fine. Hell, even a quick conversation can establish relationships and personalities in one go.

—
Watcher: "You two need a debriefing before we touch down? I know you're new, but—"

Swarm: "We've been working here for three years."

Watcher: "Three, the young'un says! Talk back to me when you have seventeen more! You know, when I was seventeen, my first girlfriend broke up with me—"

Scarlet: "Sir, we're five minutes away. Please stop the when-I-was-your-age jokes."

Watcher: "You know I control time, right?"

Scarlet, Swarm: *Face Palm*

edited 18th Dec '16 1:53:10 PM by Sharysa