Funny / RiffTrax — Feature Films

Funny moments from the RiffTrax of standalone feature films. (NOTE: funny moments from entries in popular film franchises go on this page. If you're adding a riff from a film not listed below, be sure to check whether or not it is listed under "Film Franchises".)

Riffed films released solely as videos on demand can be found here.

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Released as both an Mp3 and VOD:

Birdemic: Shock and Terror

Birdemic

• The guys start noticing a similar similarity between Birdemic and a certain other film.
  Bill (as Tommy Wiseau): Oh, hai, poorly made cult film directed by an immigrant with a funny accent that's trying to horn in on my business!
  Mike (as Wiseau): Oh, hello darkness my old friend. Hahahaha!
• The spontaneous, ahem, "forest fire":
  Kevin: Help! It's a strangely localized forest fire!
  Bill: With small pinpoint blazes that are not spreading in the least! Help!
  Mike: And which are handily contained to tiny patches off the road itself making safe passage quite easy! Help!
  (later)
  Kevin: It's not a forest fire. It's a bunch of Buddhist monk chipmunks doing a simultaneous self-immolation to protest!
  Bill: To protest global warming?
  Kevin: No, this movie!
• Bill: Sadly, that night the only inconvenient truth was in Rod's pants.
• Mike: Due to the cloudy day, Mass Solar's stock drops 90% and Rod is ousted by the board.
• Bill's Cluster F-Bomb during the credits at the cast, filled with censor bleeps, followed by Mike when Kevin brings up spruce bark beetles.
• During an exceptionally bad bit of Special Effect Failure.
  Mike: We're going to make this look good in post, right?
  Bill: Hell is post? Keep flailing!
• After an eagle manages to divebomb a filling station.
  Mike (as Sam the Eagle): Death to weirdos!
  Kevin (as another eagle): Sam! Noooooooooo!
• The guys have fun with the "Blind Idiot" Translation script:
  Rod: Watch football. Especially the 49ers. Part-times ^note He probably meant to say "part-time" Eagles fan.
  Mike (as Rod): Oh, hang on. I said "part-times Eagles fan."
  Kevin (as director): Keep rolling!
  • Then:
    Rod: You're right, he is cute. So, you're a cats lover.
    Bill (as Rod): Hold on. I said "cats lover".
    Kevin (as director): Keep rolling!
  • In one particularly bad example of Nyugen refusing to ever do a second take:
    Nathalie's mom: Look, keep me... (stumbles badly on the dialog) uh, er, eh, you... know, keep me informed.
    Kevin (as Mom): I screwed up a line.
    Bill (as director): Keep rolling.
    Kevin (as Mom): But it was really bad!
    Bill (as director): KEEP rolling!
• When Rod and Nathalie visit her mom:
  Mike (as Rod): So is there anything I should know about your mom? Anything ridiculously unexpected that might catch me off guard?
  (Rod rings on the doorbell.)
  Bill (as Jabba the Hutt): Salacious, can you get that?
  Kevin: (laughs crazily like Salicious Crumb)
  • Soon followed up with Mike speaking for the mom and saying, "I just finished encasing a bounty hunter in carbonite."
• One word: "Slrpnls". Nobody knows just what a slrpnl is.^note Yeah, yeah, he meant to say "solar panels".
  Executive: Is there a patent?
  Rod: Yes; Mass Solar owns the patent to this technology.
  Kevin: And, what are you calling them again?
  Mike: Solarpanels.
  Kevin: I'm...not...?
  Mike: Solarpanels.
  Kevin: What are you—
  Mike: Solarpanels!
  Kevin: Perhaps if you slowed down—
  Mike: Slowdownsoalrpnels?
• The crew's reaction to Rod's....truthfulness.
  Ramsey: Where's Becky?
  Rod: She's taking a shit.
  Mike: (bemused) He really said that, didn't he?
• The crew repeatedly exclaiming "SHOCK! And TERROR!" at slow scenes (which is often).
• After the first bird attack:
  Nathalie: Why would birds do something like that? I mean, why would they just attack?
  Kevin: Maybe green pigs stole their eggs.
• As the "heroes" constantly miss the birds with their automatic weapons.
  Kevin: Wow, they're terrible at this. I'm surprised a dog hasn't popped up and sniggered at them. (hee hee hee)
• Then there's these references to other riffs:
  Kevin: Okay, if this pans across Golden Gate Bridge, I'm leaving.
  • Later, while Rod and company wander through the woods:
    Kevin: Okay, if we start seeing Thumbelina, I'm leaving.
• This exchange:
  Nathalie: Oh my God! She's dead! Rod! ROD! BECKY! SHE'S DEAD! I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING! SHE'S DEAD!
  Mike: (nearly guffawing) Sincere expression of remorse! "I didn't do anything!"
  Bill: (mock wangst) "Mistakes were made!"
• On an over-long restaurant scene:
  Mike: I think they hired James Nguyen to make a local ad for their restaurant and he just went way, way over budget.
  Kevin: Sadly, no, he didn't.
• On a very oddly-carved giant pumpkin:
  Bill: Evil Teddy Roosevelt, sure.
  Kevin: Bully!
• At the end, Alan Bagh (Rod) once again is painfully aware of the camera.
  Mike: He's doing his best Frankenstein impression.
  Bill: (growling) Fire bad! Stock options good!
• The live show had this gem with the actor's utterly bizarre walk:
  Bill as a man in a suit: (talking into a cell phone, is right behind Rod as he starts to "walk" into the office building) Sorry, I'm going to be late; I'm stuck behind some knob who doesn't know how to walk.

Mp3 Commentaries:

300

300

• This:
  Dilios: "They teach the boy to steal and, if necessary... to kill."
  Bill: "Sounds like a great society! I wonder why it didn't last?"
• When the Persian messenger arrives:
  Leonidas: What message do you bring?
  Persian Messenger: Earth and water.
  Mike: So...mud.
  Leonidas: You rode all the way from Persia for earth and water?
  Bill (as the messenger): Well, I lost some of the message along the way...
• When Leonidas dispatches the Persian messenger's party, and decide to run the THIS! IS! SPARTA! gag straight into the ground:
  Bill: Well, I certainly think he proved that THIS! IS! SPARTA!
  Mike: His kids make fun of him because when he's handing out stuff on the Fourth of July he insists on saying, "THIS! IS! A SPARKLER!"
  Kevin: Or when he's giving his car a tune-up, and his kid asks, "Hey, dad? What's that small, white thing with metal at each end?" And he always replies, "THIS! IS! A SPARK PLUG!"
  Bill: Or...when he sits down to a meal of juice, toast, milk, and Trix cereal—
  Mike: Uh-oh, where's he going with this?
  Bill: And he looks at his bowl of Trix and he says, "THIS! IS! 'SPART OF A BALANCED BREAKFAST!!!"
  Kevin: Wow!
  Mike: Wow, you pulled it off! Nicely done!
• Leonidas sitting down next to his son after a sparring session, "Hey, wanna beer, kid?"
  Son: Um, Dad, why are you Scottish?
• When Leonidas meets with the Persian messenger:
  Leonidas: Submission.
  Mike: That would be a great name for a Muslim rock band.
• "Jog, men! Jog casually into battle! JOG!!!"
• (seeing the Rain of Arrows) "Aw, relax; they're probably not even meant for us..."
• When the 300 are preparing to leave:
  General: ...Sons to carry on their name.
  Bill: Though Johnson's son may not be the marrying type, if you know what I mean.
  Mike: He's considering moving to Athens, if you catch my drift.
  Kevin: We think he may be a homosexual, if you can read between the lines.
• After a shot of the massive Persian fleet:
  Mike (as Delios): And so Xerxes and Jimmy Buffett assembled the largest boat-to-boat party in history.
• "Kid, how'd you get so dirty?! You were outside for, like, five minutes!"
• "Uh, I don't like this new 'extreme' image for The Giving Tree —it was fine the way it was."
• "March of the Penguins had less marching!!"
• "Man, that is one angry cow!"
  • "My best hoof!"
• Leonidas meeting Xerxes for the first time:
  Kevin: (as Xerxes puts his hands on Leonidas's shoulders) Mmmm...you're so tense...
  Xerxes: It's not the lash they fear...
  Mike: Oh, no...it's turning into one of these... (all three start imitating porno music)
  • And later in that scene:
    Leonidas: You are as generous...as you are...
    Mike: Gay.
    Leonidas: ...divine...
    Bill: Oh, he is divine~
    Leonidas: Such an offer, only a madman would refuse.
    Mike: (in a bad Scottish accent) And guess what? I forgot me thorazine today!
• "Muffin out your chests, men!"
  • "Alright, men, ready your six-packs! And if you haven't done so already, oil up those pecs!"
• (imitating Roger Rabbit) "Ahem. Attention, Spartans!"
• When the messenger tells the Spartans to lay down their spears.
  Bill: Hey guys we took a vote, and we decided to lay down uh, one spear. *cue messenger being impaled and thrown to the ground by a single thrown spear*
• During one of the many battle scenes:
  Delios: We did what we were trained to do, what we were bred to do, what we were born to do.
  Bill: What we were cast, costumed, and choreographed to do.
  Mike: What we were blue-screened and digitized to do.
  Bill: What we were shaved to do.
• And in another battle:
  Kevin: Okay, so they're really pre-ninja ninjas.
  Mike: In pre-kabuki kabuki masks.
  Bill: And using pre-samurai samurai swords.
• When they start throwing bombs at the Spartans:
  Delios: (narrating) When muscle failed, they turned to their magic...
  Bill: To their Ku Klux Pimps!
• "Alright, we're finally here. The movie has finally taken us quite literally to hell."
  Mike: Ladies and gentlemen, this has been The Importance of Being Earnest.
• When the evil senator essentially rapes Gorgo:
  Disembaudio: Hey, guys, baked you some snickerdoodles—Goo-ood Lord! WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?!?!
  Mike: No-no, no, Dis, it's—
  Disembaudio: Is this the kind of filth you put on when I leave the room?!?! FOR SHAME!!!
  Kevin: No, but Disembaudio, it's—
  Disembaudio: No! No!!!! NO!!!
• "Kneel before the soundtrack!! SUBMIT TO IT!!!!!"
  • Also referring to the music: "March, gentlemen, march to the music of Nine Daktylos Nails!
• The Immortals approach.
  Delios: The deadliest fighting force in all of Asia....
  Kevin: The Russian volleyball team?
  • Also referring to the Immortals:
  Delios: They have served the dark will of Persian kings for five-hundred years...
  Bill: They deserve a raise!
  • And once the battle starts:
  Mike: Or, as they're now known, "the Incredibly, Perhaps Even Extra Mortals."
• During Xerxes' rebuttal to Leonidas turning down his offer to submit to Persia's will:
  Mike: HAM ALERT! HAM ALERT!!! (imitates klaxon)
• Right before all the Spartans get killed:
  Delios: (narrating) [Leonidas's] roar is loud and long...
  Mike: His teeth are bleached and capped...
• After Leonidas throws his spear at Xerxes
  Kevin: But Xerxes is usually glad to see a spear headed into him...
  (The spear clips his face, making him bleed, and sticking in the back of his throne)
  Bill: (as Xerxes covers his face) How tacky!
• The Slo-mostrians are coming!
• Leonidas: Spartans! What is your profession?!
  Spartans: HA-OOH! HA-OOH! HA-OOH!
  Mike: And I'm a flower arranger!
• "Remember, only you can prevent sickly babies from diluting the strength of our race! Freeedooom!"
• The guys have a lot of fun with the Ephors and how utterly revolting they are. Such as when Leonidas reaches the Ephors' hangout:
  Lead Ephor: Welcome Leonidas. We have been expecting you.
  Bill (as Lead Ephor): But since you're late, your bowl of pus is cold!
• Every time they remember the fact the Queen's name is Gorgo.
  "Ah, my beautiful and delicate wife, GORGO"
• The entirety of their mocking of the obnoxious narrator.
  • During the "His shield/helmet is heavy/stifling" scene:
    Bill: Ok, let's get ahead of this, "His cape is scratchy, his sandals are itchy, his beard is smelly, and his warrior panties are crunchy"
    Mike: "His spear is... uh... pointy. Sharp kinda... at the end..."
• Upon seeing Ephialtes' ridiculous Persian uniform:
  Mike: I WANT A BETTER UNIFORM!
• This great jab at social media (though now it would surely be Facebook):
  Ephialtes: I want it all: wealth, women—
  Bill (as Ephialtes): my own Myspace page, with lots of quote-unquote friends!
• As Xerxes lays dying, he declares his love.
  Leonidas: My queen!
  Mike: He finally declared his loyalty to Xerxes!
  Leonidas: My wife...
  Bill: I don't think Xerxes asked that much of him.
• The riffers make Stelios even more Axe-Crazy than he is in the film proper, to the point that nearly every conversation someone has with him becomes an Alone with the Psycho scene.

Aeon Flux

Æon Flux

• An absolutely gorgeous Call-Back to Laserblast.
  Aeon: I'm ready.
  Mike: [in the exact same tone of voice]: For some football.
• "Wow, a whole wall of stories far better than the one I'm in!"
• Some scene involving a baby, who even knows at this point:
  Aeon: You cloned her.
  Trevor: I cloned everybody.
  Mike: I was so drunk that night.
• After Aeon and Sithandra gun down a couple dozen faceless Mooks:
  Mike: Hurray, she murdered a whole bunch of guys with wives and families who have children that will wonder if Dad is coming home tonight! Hoorah!

Avatar

Avatar

• Grace: Who'd you expect, numb nuts?
  Bill: Thoughtful nickname for a guy who is crippled from the waist down.
• The scene where Jack tries to keep the doglike creatures away with a torch.
  Mike: This how it is going to feel like for anyone who dresses as a sexy Na'Vi at Comic-Con this year.
  Kevin: Hey, now! Don't try to talk me out of it!
  Bill: Gungan! Kill it!
  Kevin: Meesa... senet... tar...
  Bill: (whisper) Kill it more!
• During the destruction of the Home Tree
  Soldier: Yee-ha, baby! Get some!
  Bill: Did I just tell a tree to get some? Man, I need shore leave.
• Jack: Look where we are, Grace.
  Mike (as Grace): In a nice, clean hospital with a crack surgical team? Oh, I guess this is good too.
• Bill: Come my peaceful brethren, LET'S KILL THEM ALL!
• Kevin: ♪Look at this stuff, Isn't it neat? Wish that my junk was as big as my feet. Doctor Manhattan's got nothing on me in PANDORA!♪
• "Blue llllladies, blue llllladies, blue dudes who are nearly indistinguishable from the blue lllladies!"
• Mike's "Robot Knife Fight" song.
• After the final duel between Quaritch and Jake, Jake is back in his human body and struggling to grab a breath mask:
  Mike: Yeah, it kept falling out so somebody stapled the emergency mask into the case...
• Neytiri, after she meets Jake: You are like a baby! Always making noise, don't know what to do.
  Bill: Poopin' in da Huggies, eatin' da strained peas!
  Kevin: Listening to Raffi and watchin' da Max and Ruby!
• The very last joke: "Morning wood!"
  • It keeps them laughing even after the credits start rolling.
• After the failed ritual to transfer Grace into her Avatar:
  Moat: Her wounds were too great. It was not enough time.
  Kevin: Also our religion is bullshit.
• The 'Informer's rendition was short but hilarious.
• After Jake prays to the Great Mother for aid.
  Neytiri: The Great Mother does not take sides.
  Mike (as Neytiri): She's an amoral psychopath.
• Kevin: 6-legged, anteater horses.
  Mike: George Lucas slowly nods his silent approval.
• Probably the most involved Kansas City Royals joke in RiffTrax history while Jake fights the six-legged dogs:
  Kevin: A desperate man in blue, confused and frail, lacking necessary skill and training, called up to the big leagues before he was ready, swinging wildly at his more powerful opponent, a single disinterested spectator idly looking on from a distance... eerily reminiscent of a Kansas City Royals game.
  Bill: Wow.
  Mike: I believe you covered three entire city blocks before you got to that one.
  Kevin: I try.
• Any reference to Quaritch's supreme badass-itude.
  Mike (as Quaritch): Oh, yeah. "Breathing". I suppose some of you pussies need to do that...
• Speaking of the six-legged dogs: "I've heard those things play a very large part in Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2. Yeah, the series takes a bit of a dark turn."
• Bill (as Tommy Wiseau): Oh hai, science.
  • On the design of the Hometree:
  Kevin: Ah, the spiral staircase, one of Cameron's many subtle nods to The Room.
  Bill (as Wiseau): Oh hai, James.
• When Neytiri brings Jake to the Tree of Voices and tells him he can hear the ancestors of the Na'vi
  Jake: I can hear them!
  Mike: Even in death, your people are annoying and self-righteous.
• The Amway sketch, which takes place when Jake is being chased by a thanator.
• When Eywa sends a thanator to help Neytiri...
  Mike (as the thanator): (meekly) I killed a pigeon and left it in your bed.
  Bill (as Neytiri): Awwww.

Battlefield Earth

Battlefield Earth

• When the subtitle – A Saga of the Year 3000 – appears:
  Bill: Lousy year 3000. What have you ever done for us?
  • Similarly, criticizing the main character wearing a jumpsuit, saying no actor can have any dignity wearing that.
• Mike compares the film to The Postman:
  Mike: The similarities to The Postman are stacking up already: it’s post-apocalyptic...
  Kevin: Check.
  Mike: ...he rides a horse...
  Kevin: Check.
  Mike: ...and I wanna die.
  Kevin: Double check!
• Bill: I used to like the color blue. Now it's dead to me. Cram it, Smurfs. Piss off, ocean. Screw you, sky.
• During the final air battle:
  Mike: So...these jets were all fueled, and tuned up, and ready to go after A THOUSAND YEARS?!
  Kevin: Yes, Mike.
  Mike: And a bunch of knuckle-dragging cave dwellers with spears took a break from picking nits off each other and eating them for a few days and taught themselves to become top-level fighter pilots?
  Bill: Yes, Mike.
  Mike: And that, somehow, these exact same weapons - well maintained and on alert, mind you - did NOT save the human race from the aliens one thousand years ago, when the humans who actually MADE these weapons were alive? You know, the humans that did NOT wear goat skins, and sacrifice goats, and smell like goats, and marry goats?
  Kevin: Yes, Mike.
  Mike: And is there any reason that I should not dedicate my LIFE to building a time machine, so that I can eventually travel back to the set of Saturday Night Fever and infuse the heels of [John] Travolta's disco shoes with nitro glycerin, so that he is eliminated from history and this movie NEVER GETS MADE?!?!
  Bill: Um...no, Mike. Go nuts. (Beat) ...I think you just did.
  • And soon after that fight...
    Mike: They did it! Those plucky little Hobbits destroyed The Ring!
    Kevin: Uh, Mike? We're not in—
    Bill: Shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh...he's in a better place now.
    Mike: And the eagles are coming! The eagles are coming!
• "You know, this movie seems kind of silly."
• Their reaction to Terl's infamous scenery chewing.
  Terl: While you were still learning how to SPELL YOUR NAME...
  (the guys start cracking up)
  Terl: I was being trained to CONQUER GALAXIES!
  Bill: Wow, you're really going to go with that performance huh?
• This exchange:
  Kevin: So, our story so far: Aliens from some death metal planet conquered the Earth then enslaved mankind for a thousand years.
  Bill: Right.
  Kevin: Then they sent Travolta, who's going to whiz the entire planet down his leg in a few short days.
  Bill: Right again.
  Kevin: And somehow this movie is supposed to make us feel good about Scientology?
  Mike: Yeah, I think in the same way Birth of a Nation endeared us all to the Klan.
• After the final battle, Jonnie looks over wreckage while covered in filth.
  Mike: LOOK AT WHAT WE'VE WON! IT'S GLORIOUS!
• The very last riff:
  Mike: (almost bored) Aaaaand just for a change, center wipe.^note Every single scene transition was a center wipe.
• Bill's extended riff where he contemplates if the three of them died and are in Hell, having to suffer this film for eternity.

Beowulf

Beowulf (2007)

• The harp-playing scene in the mead hall, where the crew proceeds to interject "What If Thor Was One of Us" and "Shorty Got Low" into the song.
• During the battle with Grendel:
  "Here, we can follow along in the Old English text: Den punched he, nakede Beowulf, in Grendel on de noggin. Den flipped him doen Gymkata dismounten causen Grendel his assen be roasted en his bippies in der pit smoken."
  "Wow, that is an extremely faithful telling."
  "Oh, you're bettin' your meatballs."
• Upon Beowulf stabbing his way out of the eye of the Kraken/Loch Ness Monster/what have you and yelling his name as a war cry:
  Mike: Guys, if I ever burst out of the eye of a giant sea creature, I promise I'll have something better to yell than "MIIIIIIIIIIIKE!"
• When Beowulf admonishes Unferth for beating his slave, Mike cuts in:
  Mike (as Beowulf): Unferth, how'd you even get a slave? Why don't I have one?!
• During a massively long zoom-out from the camera:
  Mike: We interrupt our movie briefly to give you a ride on a skilift.
• Anything and everything pertaining to John Malkovich. Example:
  Mike: (upon seeing Malkovich) GAH! A creepy, hollow-eyed John Malkovich!...In other words, John Malkovich.
  • Later, after Grendel has attacked, something rises from the water:
    Kevin: GAH! A hideous sea creature!
    Mike: No no no no, it's just John Malkovich.
    Kevin and Bill: GAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!
• In regards to Beowulf's burning pyre boat...thing:
  Mike: To quote one Mr. Kevin Costner on a similar occasion, let's see if I can remember this correctly... (clears throat, says the following line without an ounce of emotion) My boat.
• At the burial of some fellow soldiers:
  Beowulf: They were great warriors.
  Kevin: No, they were Geat warriors.
  Wiglaf: They died a foul death.
  Beowulf: They were murdered by a foul creature from the depths of Hell.
  Bill: Right, Crispin Glover.
• Kevin can't help noticing something very familiar about the tone and cadence of a poem one of Beowulf's soldiers starts singing in the mead hall:
  Kevin: The biscuits in the Army, they say they're mighty fine! One rolled off the table, and killed a friend of mine!
  All: OHHH, IIII DON'T WANT NO MORE OF AR-MY LIFE! GEE MOM, I WANNA GO HOOOOOOME!

The Bourne Identity

The Bourne Identity

• After Jason has knocked out two policemen
  Bill: Guess I'll have to arrest myself. All right, drop my weapon! I have a right to remain—hey, come back here, me! STOP ME!
• "I hope there's a can on this floor. I've got more gas than the Homer Simpson balloon."
• "Well, apparently I'm a Euro-dick who's too good to answer my own door!"
• When Castel jumps out of the apartment window:
  Bill: AHA, I've ESCAPED! ...Oh, that was dumb!
• "Eamon's starting to breathe on the windows and write dirty words."
• "Dude, you shot my ween! That's just not cool!"
  • "I was LYING about my ween, for you see, I do not have one!"

Casablanca

Casablanca

• Right off the bat:
  Narrator: With the coming of the second world war...
  Bill: Switzerland...did nothing.
• Rick: Not a bad story...
  Kevin: But it could use a sparkly vampire.
• During Rick's famous introductory scene:
  Bill: Ah, a classic film character is about to be introduced!
  Kevin: Jar Jar Binks?
  Bill: Go to so much Hell it's not even funny!
  (Rick appears, smoking a cigarette)
  Mike: Hey, don't Bogart that cigarette.
  Bill: Mike, go join Kevin in Hell!
  Mike: (Beat) Will do.
• As the plane flies off at the end:
  Mike: Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Due to weather conditions we're going to have to reroute to Berlin.
• Making a Running Gag of Laszlo being completely oblivious to Rick and Ilsa's previous romance.

Casino Royale

Casino Royale (2006)

• The opening black-and-white sequence: "Midnight. Iowa City. County Assessor's office."
• "Welcome back to the finals of Olympic Open Field Tag. Daniel Craig is currently 'It,' but may not be for long."
• The random yet hilarious reaction to seeing Daniel Craig's face in the opening credits.
  Mike: A GUINEA FOWL! Oh wait, it's just Daniel Craig.
  • "Oh, I get it now. This guy is the missing Mario Brother." "Either that or he's the original Prince of Persia."
  • BOND SMASH!
  • ENGLISH GUY!
  • "The English Guy doesn't so much leap as he plummet."
• "Spies have been reduced to stealing ringtones for Eastern Bloc countries. A clean Schnappi can bring as much as $3 on the black market."
  • After Bond steals a bad guy's backpack and starts rifling through it:
  Kevin (as Bond): Ha! Now I get his toaster strudel!
• "Finally, he's got some time for Second Life—he can get back to being a foxy blue-skinned woman with green hair."
• "I'm Rube Cardsuck, this is Patsy McMoneygone, and Mr. E. Z. Mark."
• "Setting off the sprinklers is a very serious offense. If convicted, you're forced to fly Northwest."
• "So these are the people behind-the-scenes at the airport making sure your flight is delayed, your luggage is lost, and that the restaurants are always closed when you're hungry."
• When Skyfleet's "World's Largest Airliner" is unveiled:
  Mike: And of course, this is the day the President is scheduled to go up in the all-new space shuttle—
  Kevin: With all the other leaders of the free world—
  Mike: Of course. And 300 orphaned children from Kosovo—
  Kevin: And Oprah Winfrey!
  Mike: Sure, throw in Oprah Winfrey!
• Mike and Kevin's bantering impressions of air traffic controllers.
• When the police show up late to the airport chase scene, "Sorry! We went to the wrong airport. We should be there inside 30 minutes tops!"
• Kevin singing the Bond theme and segueing into the Indiana Jones theme as Bond punches out an evil truck driver during the airport chase scene.
• (As Bond looks at his tuxedo'd self in a mirror) "Yeah! My God, I'm hot! This tuxedo would look best on the floor! ...Seriously, though, I'd do me in a heartbeat."
• Mike and Kevin's impressions of a guy who doesn't understand poker and a frustrated croupier, respectively:
  Mike: Hit me!
  Kevin: Sir, you can't do that!
  Mike: Double down!
  Kevin: Sir, that's Blackjack!
  Mike: Bicycle!
  Kevin: Sir, now you're just reading the back of the cards!
• "Mr. Bond, you are being paged by a Mr. Le Chiffre. Your missing $10 million dollars has been found, it is located quote: ‘somewhere in my huge pile of money and you may pick it up at my butt. Burn, burn, ROTFLMAO, pwned, love, Le Chiffre.' You know, I really should look these things over before I read them over the intercom."
• ...This:
  Vesper: (whispering) You can have me anywhere.
  Mike (as Bond): (rather gleefully) Really, like on a bakery counter? Or onstage at a political rally?
• "It's been six minutes and we haven't done it—I wonder if he's impotent..."
• "The people of Venice know about land, right? And how it makes an excellent foundation for buildings?"
• During the climactic scene where Vesper drowns:
  Mike: * whistles "My Heart Will Go On"*
  Kevin: If you break out into an ode to Céline Dion, I will give you the Le Chiffre treatment with your own microphone.
• The Running Gag of Mike claiming that everything Bond touches is worth at least $11,000.^note Including the cars worth much more than $11,000.

Cats

Cats

• Meta Example: the poster on the website is a parody of Drag Me to Hell.
• Before the overture:
  Kevin: Where the hell are the singing cats?
  Mike: Alright, would you—?
  Kevin: This movie's supposed to have singing cats in it!
  Mike: They'll be here soon... (cue overture) and then we'll all be sorry.
• Bill's fixation on the cats having no buttholes as shown here.
• As Grizabella sings her most eponymous song:
  "...twists like a crooked pin."
  Mike: Or like a tortured metaphor?
  Kevin: Sir Andrew Lloyd What-the-hell-are-you-talking-about?
• During the Jellicle Ball:
  Mike: Men watching a bunch of cats dancing. Reminds me of that 1973 Burt Reynolds film.
  Kevin: Ah, The Man Who Loved Cat Danc—
  Mike: White Lightning!
• "Dancing cats. What's next? Rollerskating trains?"
• Just before "Memory" starts:
  Bill: So white cats, comic relief? Black cats, evil and feared?
  Mike: D. W. Griffith's Cats.
• As Jennifer Hudson is reaching the climax of "Memory":
  Mike: I sing "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" with the same intensity.
• After "Memory":
  Grizabella: (to Victoria) Thank you.
  Kevin: Impressing that fluffy old hag means so much to me.
• Victoria does a little dance following her reprise of "Beautiful Ghosts".
  Kevin (as Victoria): Let's all celebrate her achievement by paying attention to me!
  Bill (as Victoria): I'm hopping around!

Clash of the Titans

Clash of the Titans (2010)

• This scene near the beginning:
  Spyros: Something is not right.
  Bill: Yeah, your family has three different accents.
• ANCIENT MALIBU!
• "Up is pretty!"
• Bill: (about Perseus's tunic) That little girl's dress was longer than his!
  Hades: Argos will be swept from the earth, and all of you with it.
  Mike (as Hades): Don't leave town or anything, that would be cheating.
• If you know Greek mythology, this bit is hysterical.
  Zeus: He's no different than any of the others that have turned their backs on us.
  Kevin (as Zeus): How many rapes does a guy have to commit before he gets some respect?
• When Perseus is denying that Zeus is his father
  Perseus: My father was killed by a god.
  Mike: The god of falling asleep drunk on railroad tracks.
• Kevin: And to Zeus, "NOOOO!" means "YEEESSS!"
• Bill: (when the Kraken takes literally several minutes to fully surface) STILL surfacing?! Try to get all the way out before the birth of Christ, okay?
• Oh hai Hades!!
• When Perseus finds the sword:
  Mike: Sweet, free glowy thing.
• When Jason and the Argonauts are getting ready to leave
  Man: Good news!
  Bill: Professor Farnsworth?
• As Andromeda watches the Krakken emerge:
  Bill: Oh, sure, Naomi Watts gets King Kong, I get mega-squid. I don't care how misunderstood this thing is; I am not falling in love with it!

Cloverfield

Cloverfield

• Our first introduction to the monster:
  Mike: You're about an hour late, monster!
  Kevin: We're only 18 minutes in, Mike.
  Mike: I stand by my statement.
  • "The first plot point is stuck in traffic."
• When the citizens take pictures of the fallen head of the Statue of Liberty:
  Kevin: Ms. Liberty! Over here, Ms Liberty!
  Mike: Ms. Liberty, is it true you're parting with Mickey Rourke?
• "Then again, the upside to destroying New York...no more David Blaine."
  • "Wow, you're right! Destroy away, monster! Look for a smug guy with a deck of cards."
• While the protagonists are running to the subway station:
  Mike: Oh, zoinks! Let's get out of here, Scooby!
• As the protagonists venture into a wrecked building to find their friend:
  Mike: The Kool-Aid man did this. I'd recognize his work anywhere.
  Bill (as Kool-Aid man): OH YEEAAAH!!
• "My name is Robert Hawkins..."
  All three: (In unison) His name is Robert Hawkins!
• The camera is focused on a set of TVs in a radio store, with one of them playing an episode of Spongebob Squarepants
  Bill: Ladies and gentlemen, this just in: Sandy Cheeks is dead!
• A panicky Beth calls Rob:
  Beth: Rob? Rob!
  Kevin (as Beth): Rob, I'm at the after party and I don't know anybody here!
• After Marlena is bitten by a monster and explodes, the gang runs into Beth.
  Mike: Hey, Beth? Remember the Mr. Creosote sketch? Tangentially, remember Marlena?

D-War: Dragon Wars

D-War

• In the very beginning;
  Narrator: Every five hundred years, a young woman is born.
  Mike: Sometimes even more frequently than that!
• After the young boy is left alone with the old man and he starts walking towards him;
  Mike (as kid): Oh boy, special page in the yearbook, here I come.
• After a bit of exposition:
  Boy: What are you talking about?
  Mike: (with straightforward sincerity) Thank you.
  • Less than five minutes later:
    Korean Leader: What are you talking about?
    Mike: Again, thank you.
    Kevin: It's telling that he's the second character to ask that and we're not even ten minutes in!
• When Mike impersonates Al Pacino near the end.
• Kevin's summation of the ending:
  Kevin: Okay, so; our heroine: dead. Los Angeles: devastated. Our hero: left to die without food or water in some sort of forgotten realm.
  Bill: What about Bruce?
  Kevin: I'm sure Bruce is fine, Bill.
• Two of the film's more extreme plot-holes - the endless running away from the dragon and the way the characters appear in some kind of fantasy realm with no explanation whatsoever - collide, nearly driving Mike over the edge:
  Hero: "Come on, let's get out of here.
  Mike: WHERE IN GOD'S NAME DO YOU SUGGEST WE GO?!

Daredevil

Daredevil (2003)

• All right, we're back. And... it hurts already.
• "I would seek justice, one way or another. I would become Batman! Until some rich idiot in Gotham city sued me for naming rights..."
• "I'm gonna get so, so naked, and then I'm gonna sit my fat bubbly ass right on Affleck's head!"
• All of the jokes pertaining to Ben Affleck being Matt Damon's best friend.
• Whenever Kevin tries to shoehorn in any "Daredevil" jokes.
  • "What the hell are you doing? Get it?"
• "Being blind, physics no longer apply to me!"
• After Bullseye gets both of his hands shot;
  Mike: (in phony Irish accent) They got me drinking hand and me drinking hand!
• As Bullseye tortures Daredevil with the church bells:
  Bullseye: Let's bring on the pain! Let's bring on the noise!
  Bill: And what the hey! Let's bring on "da funk" as well!
• After Kingpin reveals that he is from the Bronx
  Mike: (mimicking Michael Clarke Duncan's gravely voice) Don't be fooled by the rocks I got, I'm still Michael from the block.
• "This man needs a rabbi!"

Drag Me To Hell

Drag Me to Hell

• "Stop playing Wii Voodoo and help my son!"
• This hilarious scene occurs during the credits.
  Bill: Tommy Wiseau!
  Mike: (in Wiseau's accent) Oh hai, Hell! Hahaha...
  • There's another The Room reference as Christine and Clay are in the fortune teller's office.
  • "Clay, you always play psychologist with us! Hahahah..."

Eragon

Eragon

• "Ga-gal-ba-tor-ix? Did George Lucas guest-name that character?"
• "E-ragon. The online Ragon merchant that you can trust!"
• In the beginning, when Ayra is magically transporting Saphira's egg.
  Kevin: Melon?
  (The egg vanishes in a burst of light)
  Kevin: Magic melon!
• The Riffers constantly pointing out how Eragon's family members are never introduced properly.
  Roran: All hail Eragon, the mighty hunter!
  Mike: All hail sweaty dude who looks just like me!
  • Later
    Kevin: So, why does he feel the need to keep this from his wrestling parter and Hat Guy. You know, the one with the hat?
    Mike: Well, clearly because that's a blue thing. It's blue.
    Kevin: Ahh, right, of course.
  • Culminating in:
    As Roran leaves the farm
    Mike: Goodbye, brother-cousin-friend-fellow-farmhand.
• "Ah Jeremy Irons. The guy you call when you think, 'How can I make my movie a lot creepier?'"
• The Riffers giving baby Saphira the voice of an alcoholic.
• "It's dry over here in the next scene!"
• Mike lets Disembaudio take over for the credits.
• Over a shot of a medieval village
  Kevin: HUZZAH! Welcome one and all, to the Renaissance Festival!
  Mike: Carolingian or Byzantine Renaissance?
  Kevin: I don't know, HUZZAH!
• After the third fake ending:
  Mike: Come on, throw one more random image at us — we can take it!
• Kevin singing "The Hills are Alive" during a sweeping shot of Scenery Porn.
• The numerous references to how the movie is just Star Wars meets The Lord of the Rings.
• When Eragon assumes that baby Saphira had abandoned him just like his parents:
  Eragon: She's gone.
  Kevin: Maybe it's time to ask yourself why people in your life keep leaving YOU.
• "Halt and be FABULOUS!"

Fast and Furious 2009

Fast & Furious

• Right off the bat, the reaction to the "Original Film" card
  Mike: "Original Film", a division of "Bitterly Ironic Studio Names, Inc."
  Kevin: Yes, Original Film presents the third sequel in under a decade to a movie that ripped off its plot from Point Break (1991)!
• During the opening scene, the mini-semi flips around and starts driving backwards.
  Kevin: Oh, it's Cameron's dad's car from Ferris Bueller, they have to run the miles off before they return it.
• After Dom catches a bullet in his back and barely even flinches
  Kevin: Haha! Now you see that your bullets are useless against him!
• "Offer him coupons! Drug lords love coupons!"
• O'Connor gets the name "David Park" out of a low-ranking gang member. One of his fed buddies complains that he could throw a fortune cookie out the window and hit a dozen David Parks. When another agent informs him that "Park" is a Korean name rather than a Chinese one...
  Kevin (as agent): Fine, I'll throw a barbecued dog out the window, ya happy?
• The running gag of Dom thinking 46 is the biggest number there is. One such instance late in the movie:
  Dom: You can't buy your way out of this one.
  Mike (as Dom): Unless you have 46 dollars.
• A lot of fun is had at the fact that the characters are extremely reliant on GPS to, uh, do anything.
  Mike: How did guys even drive before GPS?
  Kevin: Yeah, it's like they would have had to look ahead of their car to know when a turn is coming up.
• Compos talks about how O'Connor's undercover story involves him having "just got out of County."
  Mike (as Compos): County spelling bee! That was a tough elimination, homes.
• "Bloodthirsty, ruthless... yet pissy."

The Fifth Element

The Fifth Element

• As the Diva sings:
  Mike: The very moment he saw her, Papa Smurf called Lawsuit Smurf, and they sued the living shit out of her.

Godzilla

Godzilla (1998)

• When Nick meets Philippe, the French Secret Service agent:
  Philippe: I thought you might like to know that your American friends have decided not to look look for the creature's nest.
  Nick: What? Are you sure? How do you know that?
  Philippe: We know.
  Kevin: "Oui no"? That's French for "yes no"; how does that help?

Halloween

Halloween (1978)

• The entire scene in the beginning where Michael Myers is wandering around the house and Kevin and Mike are playacting as John Carpenter and his wife "Debbie."
  • Also, an annoyed Mike responding every time a character calls out to Michael.
• All of the jabs involving how Laurie's friends all seem to dislike her.
• When Tommy asks Laurie what the Boogeyman is, and the phone rings.
  Mike: Oh, hang on, that's him now! I'll put him on for you.
• The duo's increasing frustration with Michael as the buildup to the first murder ends up encompassing more than half of the film's runtime.
• "I hear there's a nightmare over on Elm Street. A Ring of Devil's Rejects have been holding a Grudge since Friday the 13th and they seem to know what you and others did last summer!"

The Happening

The Happening

• The movie opens up with a cloudy sky:
  Kevin: The Haaaappeniiiiing...
  Bill: Die die die die d-death death death d-diediediedie!
• 'A construction worker has fallen to his death:
  Worker: David?
  Mike: David Blaine? Are we rid of you at last?
• At the construction site:
  Kevin: It's raining men, hallelujah!
• This Actor Allusion:
  John Leguizamo: Wanna come to my mother's for dinner?
  Bill: We're having ground sloth!
• During the scene at Princeton:
  Mike (as Julien): (yawns) Man, so tired. I could just kill myself...
  • One of the fellow survivors begins to panic and Julien tries to calm her down with math problems
    Julien: I'm going to tell you a math problem!
    Mike: Okay, if five people have four bullets...
• During the lion attack
  Kevin: Tis but a scratch!
  • The lions become a Running Gag for a moment:
    Mike: Okay, now I just gotta find me some lions. Then I'll finally be on TV like I always wanted.
• Mark Wahlberg's character notices a soon revealed to be plastic plant...
  Mike (as plant): Put a piece of glass in your eyyyyye...C'mon. Why aren't you killing yourself? Oh, God, I'm terrible at this!
• One of Rifftrax's many memorable song covers:
  Kevin: (singing) The Summer Wind/Came blowing in/So I killed myself/It lingered there/So I took a hatpin from my hair/And plunged it into my jugular vein... Take it Mike!
  Mike: (singing) I sliced my wrists/with some broken glass/And then I blew my head off too/Then I disemboweled myself/And hung myself with my own intestines thanks to the Summer Wind.
  Bill: Very nice you guys, maybe a touch dark.
  Kevin: Really? Which part?
• "Hawt dogs..."

High School Musical

High School Musical

• The boys singing over the creepy siblings' audition song. Including "Short People", the theme to The Facts of Life, "Man! I Feel Like a Woman", "London Calling", "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown", and "Suffragette City".
  "Stop singing about 'having' each other!"
• Kevin deciding that "Get Cha Head In the Game" means "If you want Head, you should get it In The Game."
• Kelsi trips:
  Kevin: MY QUIRKINESS!
• A boy does some ballet:
  Kevin: SHAME! I wanna look like a douche bag!
  * CRASH!*
  Mike: And he was beaten by the Avenue Q puppets.
• Troy's reaction after Gabrielle volunteers to audition, complete with wheezing.
• Stick To The Status Quo
  Kevin: The Disney Channel. High schooler's repressed secrets are "I like rap" instead of "Dissecting a fetal pig gave me a boner".
  Bill: The most kick-ass cello solo that doesn't involve the phrase "Yo-Yo Ma's drunk again."
  • Later, after the song.
    Chad: Oh let's see, um you miss free period workout yesterday to audition for some heinous musical, and now suddenly people are confessing. Yeah Zeke, Zeke is baking. Crème brûlée.
    Troy: Oh. What's that?
    Zeke: Oh, it's a creamy custard-like filling with a caramelized surface, it's really satisfying.
    Troy: Yeah, cool.
    Chad: Shut up, Zeke!
    Bill: Zeke would blind him with his pastry torch the very next day.
  • "Look at me, and what do you see?" "On the other hand don't answer that!"
• During Chad's first appearance.
  Chad: (to Troy) Because in two weeks we're going to the championships. With you leading us to infinity and beyond.
  Bill: And Disney finally sues Disney.
• "Help!" - A message from the film's editor. Poor bastard never had a chance.
• "If Troy can tell his secret, then I can tell mine. I bake... every night, while watching [adult swim]"
• "Gah! A velociraptor!"
• Kevin's addition to Gabriella's song:
  Gabriella: Why did I let myself believe/Miracles could happen?
  Kevin: And miracles, speaking of those/How do magnets function?
• There's a Running Gag where they frequently joke about how Ms. Darbus is actually a man.
• This scene between Gabriella and Taylor
  Gabriella: What do you know about Troy Bolton?
  Mike (as Taylor): That blonde chick with the big eyebrows?
• "His name is Mr. Giggles. He lives inside my head and tells me to set fire to things."
• "Just a friendly warning to the two of you; if either of you ever 'scoot around the corner' in my presence, I will gut you like a trout".
• Bill's Wade the Janitor sketch, which he gets a little too deep into:
  Bill: Oh, eat me, Nelson!
  Mike: Woah! Was that you, or was that Wade the Janitor?
  Bill: I...I don't know!
• "YOU go to hell!"
• "This is the moon, on behalf of all natural satellites, please SHUT THE HELL UP."
• Rifftrax reinterpreting Troy’s surprise at Gabriella’s singing as instead taking it as a threat to his looks in an Alpha Bitch way.

  Bill, as Troy: She thinks she’s prettier than me!

• Kevin mistaking "Breakin' free" for "Bacon free".
  Troy: Yeah, we're breakin' free.
  Gabriella: Breakin' free.
  Kevin: Bacon?! Free?!
  Bill: Free bacon? Suddenly, I like this song!
  Kevin: Yeah!
  (song continues for a moment)
  Mike: Yeah, free bacon!
  Kevin: Dammit, give us our free bacon or things are gonna get violent.
  Bill: Oh, he's got a gun!
  Kevin: (laughs maniacally as sounds of gunfire and screaming abound) Ah-ha, you thought I was kidding?!
  Bill: Please, sir, put the gun down! I have a pound of bacon in my backpack!
  Kevin: Alright, give me the bacon and make them stop singing, then I'll put the gun down.
  Bill: Here-here, here! Now shut up, you two, will you?! (song ends) Okay. So, we cool?
  Kevin: (sounds of eating) Oh, absolutely. Mmm, really good bacon too, thanks.
• Bill's inability to understand the meaning of "everyone" during "We're All in This Together".
  "So... Elliot Spitzer, me, Tommy Chong, the night janitor at the Jack-in-the-Box in Redlands? Everyone?"
  (later)
  "Everyone? Jake Busey, the cast of The Devil's Rejects, Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer? Everyone?"
  (not too long later)
  "Everyone, huh?!"
  Kevin: You're having a hard time with this.
  Bill: Yeah, I just, uh... everyone? C'mon, Milton Friedman, A Tribe Called Quest, the cast of the touring company of A Chorus Line?
  Kevin: Everyone, okay? EV-RY-ONE! You're familiar with the concept?
  Bill: ...but like my mom and dad, Mike's cousin Terry, that guy who sold me a meat stick last Thursday...?
  • Kevin becomes involved when it comes to "we're all stars":
  "Wait, we're all stars? All of us?"
  Mike: Oh God, not you now!
  Kevin: I just want to be clear. That guy on Hennepin Avenue with dreadlocks down to his ass, who pushes around a shopping cart filled with baby dolls' bodies, only the bodies, not the arms. And the one who smells strongly of ammonia. He's a star?
  Bill: Kevin, I think they've been very clear on it. I don't understand why you can't accept what they're saying at face value.
  Kevin: (exasperated) Would you with the—
  • Mike's the last to start it.
  Mike: All of us? 'Cause—
  Kevin: Alright, knock it off, Nelson.
  Bill: That's enough of that.

Highlander

Highlander

• The crew making fun of how the main character's accent sounds like Tommy Wiseau's.
  Kevin: Oh hai-lander!
• Once again making fun of Connor's accent.
  Officer: Where you from?
  Connor: Lots of different places.
  Kevin: But mostly Switzer-France!
• After Ramírez tells Connor he can't have children.
  Ramírez: (about Heather, Connor's wife) You must leave her, brother.
  Bill: I'm not banging her brother, I'm banging her!

The Hunger Games

The Hunger Games

• The numerous references to how much this film resembles Twilight.
  Bill (as Katniss): Just meeting Edward Cullen, here.
  Kevin: Nope, wrong young adult-lit phenom.
  Bill: But— but— there's no vampires in this?
  Kevin: Nope.
  Bill: Werewolves? Surely there's werewolves.
  Kevin: Nary a one.
  Bill: Then what the hell is the point?!
• As the crowd from the Districts assembles for the Reaping:
  Kevin: The grave look of people going to a Nickelback concert.
• As Rue lies dying:
  Rue: Can you sing?
  Mike (as Katniss): "Shot through the heart/and you're to blame..."
  Kevin: Bad choice.
• After Primrose is reaped;
  Mike (as Primrose): Screw it, I'll see all you Sarahs Plain and Tall in hell.
• The Stinger after Haymitch Abernathy's "Embrace" speech:
  Haymitch: Embrace the probability of your imminent death, and know, in your heart, that there's nothing I can do to save you.
  Kevin: That's how the hostess greets you at Denny's.
• During the ceremony, once all the tributes are in the circle:
  Mike: So, now the Sorting Hat makes out with the Goblet of Fire, right?
• After the ceremony, backstage:
  Bill: So can we take off the "X-Men join the Ice-Capades" outfits yet? Or...?
• When Katniss is introduced to the cheering crowd:
  Mike: Your death better be entertaining!
• When Effie Trinket is picking the male tribute:
  Effie: And now... for the boys.
  Kevin: Come on, girl, that's your cue to shake what your mama gave ya!
• All of the jokes pertaining to "Peeta" being a mispronunciation of "Peter."
• The scene in the training room with the one tribute hanging from the rafters:
  Mike: Gah! Ceiling Cat has assumed human form!
• "Now excuse me, I need to get back to my shift in a freaky Japanese cartoon."
• The return of the Volturi's "Frankenfurtur moans", applied here to the council.
• While Katniss is trudging through the forest:
  Kevin: (singing) I believe the children are our future...
• As Katniss' group is ganged-up on by another group of other tributes in the clearing:
  Bill: I assume the blonde ringleader is a Malfoy of some sort?
• After Katniss points out the improbability of her winning to Gale:
  Katniss: There's 24 of us, Gale, only one comes out.
  Kevin: That's what I scream every time I get on a bus.
• On President Snow, first seen sitting down in a balcony:
  Kevin: Well there's Waldorf, where's Statler?
• When Katniss shoots the bag of apples, causing them to tumble out:
  Kevin (as an apple): Freedom!
  Mike (as an apple): I'm gonna compare myself to an orange!
  Bill (as an apple): I'm gonna stuff a pig in MY mouth!
  • And before that:
    "Apples. The missionary position of the fruit world."
• As she cuts off the tracker-jacker nest:
  Mike: Well gentlemen, I suppose we better...
  Kevin: Yep, nothing for it...
  Bill: Agreed guys, okay, on three, one, two, three...
  All three: NOT THE BEES!!!!!!!
• As Katniss and Peeta are being chased by the large dog-like creatures towards the end:
  Bill: Yeah, in the books, these things are called "muttations". Not a joke, yet funnier than anything we'll say.
• This moment with Effie Trinket (of which there are many):
  Effie: Manners!
  Bill: Says the woman dressed like Zombie Drag Queen Willy Wonka.
  • When we're first introduced to her:
    Mike: Albino Prince, ladies and gentlemen.
  • As she opens a note and reads it:
    Kevin (as Effie): Ah, hm, let's see... "You look like slutty Mozart." The HELL?
• As they're in the train, coming up on the Capitol, in a nice throwback to the Star Wars riffs:
  Kevin: It looks like the city where Anakin Skywalker denounced sand!
• The guys singing "I Hope I Get It" as Katniss waits to see the council.

Inception

Inception

• The entirety of Bill Corbett's rant about Lost.
• The dream where Paris starts to fold:
  Mike: All this caused by one French mime pulling an invisible rope.
• As Cobb toasts Fischer Sr:
  Cobb: To your father.
  Mike (as Cobb): And may nobody break up his empire. (exaggerated cough)
• There's a Running Gag with the crew making Titanic jokes
  Arthur: (about Mal) What's she doing here?
  Kevin (as Cobb): ROSE!?'
• There's another running joke where the crew picks on Elliot Page's character Ariadne by mimicking their way of speaking in Juno.
  • "Honest to blog?"
  • "I hope my teen pregnancy won't be an issue, yo yo yiggidy yo!
• There's an awesome Shout-Out to a certain infamous movie when Fischer puts a gun to his head within the second dream.
  • "Everyone betrayed me!"
• At the end of the film when Cobb tries to test out his totem:
  Bill (as Cobb): Ah, dammit! Why did I pick a totem with such a long dramatic reveal time?
• Regarding the film's ambiguous ending:
  Kevin: Wait, so was it still a dream or not!?
  Mike: Kevin! The important thing is that no matter how you interpret the ending, you can be called a "homo" on a internet message board for believing it.
  Bill: It already happened to me! Twice!

Independence Day

Independence Day

• Why all of humanity on Earth can't live together in peace: Bill O'Reilly.
• During the "to nuke or not to nuke" discussion:
  Mike: Yeah, they're pretending that the subject of nuking Americans doesn't come up pretty much every day on Air Force One.
  • Then there's Mike basically name-dropping every American Conspiracy Theory ever.
    Julius: There was what, in the 1950s, you had the spaceship. The spaceship that you found in New Mexico! Roswell, New Mexico yeah! No, you had the spaceship, and you had the bodies. They were all locked up in a bunker—Area 51!
    Mike (as Julius): And then you have the Rothschilds, and the Bilderbergs, and The Illuminati, and the Carlyle Group, and the Project for a New American Century, and the Jews controlling the banks, and AAH, I don't know!
• "Why should I listen to you non-tan little pussies?"
• "Y'know, I'd probably drink heavily too if everyone knew me as 'The dumb-looking Quaid brother.'"
• When Will Smith lands hard with a parachute:
  Kevin: (laughs) Nice landing, if you happen to be a bag of gravel.
• The saviors of humanity: President Whitmore and Stringy-Haired Rocker Dude.
  • "Vice-President Rocker Dude sends you his thanks!"
• "Hey, it's Adam 'No I'm Not A Baldwin Brother' Baldwin!"
• The guys noticing the strange treatment of Belgians in the movie.
  President Whitmore: Today won't just be an American holiday!
  Mike: It will be Belgium, too!
• "Find out if they got any superpowers in the blast, 'cause that'd be awesome!"
  • "Uh sorry, sir, but the instant onset of six types of cancer is making it hard to concentrate."
• Practically every line when the City Destroyers reveal themselves, but especially when they show a group of kids playing a pickup game staring up in awe at the spacecraft.
  Middle-Aged White Businessman: Hi homies!

It's A Wonderful Life

It's a Wonderful Life

• Due to the edits necessary to make the riff^note due to the legal holdup concerning the portion of the movie based off of the short story "The Greatest Gift"; or, in other words, the actual point of the movie, the movie cuts from George asking Clarence for the $8000 dollars immediately to George running happily down the bridge, inciting a shocked 'Clarence had the $8000 dollars?! This is a much different movie than I remember!"

Jaws

Jaws

• When the title shows up:
  Mike: Finally, the ESPN biopic on Ron Jaworski that I've been clamoring for!
• Kevin's opera note as wrong!shark's mouth is pulled open.
• As the town meets over the recent shark attacks, and Quint scrapes the chalkboard with his nails
  Bill (as Quint): Attention. I dropped a rolo and I can't find it. So if you find a rolo, it's MINE!
• As the Trio are about to set off to hunt the shark, and Brody is kissing his wife:
  Quint: Break it up, will ya chief!! Daylight's wastin'!!
  Kevin (as Quint): AND YA PROMISED YOU'D SAVE YOUR TENDEREST KISSES FOR ME! YOU BIG GAY YA!
• As the shark pulls Quint under:
  Bill: Quint? You okay man?
• The shark bursts through the wall:
  "Oh Yeah!"
• "Thirty-eight colorful and barely coherent Quint stories later..."
• "Day Two; or, as it would come to be known: The day Quint ate Hooper."
• This exchange:
  Hooper: I should get out of the shark business and chase my real dream of winning the World's Worst Head-Hair, Facial-Hair Combo Award!
  Quint: (in the cab of the boat) I'll bet that Hooper kid is anglin' fer my World's Worst Head-Hair, Facial-Hair Combo Award. Be damned if I'm givin' up the throne!
• Quint is being devoured by the shark:
  Kevin: Well, at least he didn't suffer.
  Quint: (screams in pain and coughs up blood)
• The shark pulls away the harpoon Brody was using to stab at it:
  "I only wanted it because you wouldn't let me have it."
• "The blood of the one shark would draw dozens more from miles around. Once they feasted on Brody, they assembled like Voltron to create a massive super shark which terroized Amity Island by launching smaller sharks at the citizens with its shark-cannon, which was made of even smaller sharks. It was still far less stupid than anything in Jaws The Revenge".
• After the shark is blown up;
  Brody: Can't wait to rub this in Widow Kintner's face when I show up to collect that award!

The Karate Kid Part III

• Terry and Kreese are both yukking it up over their torment of Daniel-san, with the former saying "I think he peed in his pants!" when Miyagi tosses Mike back through the doorway and pulls a Big Damn Heroes moment:
  Bill: *as Miyagi* "'I can confirm; he did pee pants."

The Last Airbender

The Last Airbender

• Just after Sokka pops up, we get this gem:
  "Insta-Douchebag!"
• Iroh: When you wake we'll have tea together before we start the engines, eh?
  Bill: Let's go get something to eat, HUUUUUUH?
  • Another Room reference occurs soon after the first;
  Aang: YOU'RE LYING!
  Bill: (in Wiseau accent) I never hit you! You are tearing me apart... I don't know, Harpo?
• Kevin (as Pakku): (fending off the Fire Nation with some less than impressive waterbending) Behold the awesome power of my grand-niece's Super Soaker!
• Mike (as Katara): Just F.Y.I., that big flying panda thing of yours... he drowned.
  Bill (as Aang): (cries)
  Mike (as Katara): And your flying monkey cat.
  Bill (as Aang): Yes?
  Mike (as Katara): He lived.
  Bill (as Aang): (cries harder) Oh dammit! Dammit!
• A soldier walks up and whispers to Zhao, played by Aasif Mandvi:
  Mike (as soldier): Sir, I just checked. The whole Daily Show crew is making fun of you, even John Oliver.
  Kevin (as Mandvi): Wha- Oliver?! But he was in the freakin' Love Guru!
  Mike (as soldier): Love Guru has more than double our tomato meter ranking, sir.
  Kevin (as Mandvi): DAMMIT!
• [When Zuko talks to the boy in the Fire Nation colony]
  Zuko: You seem like a smart boy.
  Bill: I LIKE TURTLES!
  Kevin!Zuko: Okay, maybe not...
• Aang: We were forced under the water of the ocean.
  Bill: The water of the ocean, much like the air of the sky or the flame of the fire.
• And of course, the obligatory Harpo joke
  Mike: Wait, that's... I'm ashamed to know this, but that's the Harpo guy from [[Twilight isn't he?
  Kevin: I'm ashamed to confirm, but yes.
  Mike: Our shame is great.
  Kevin: Perdurable shame.
• An old Earth Kingdom man leads Aang to a shed:
  Old Man: These are all tools related to bending.
  Kevin: Well Harpo's a tool and he's related to a bender.
  Bill: Lock him in the shed!
• As the boy narrates Zuko's Backstory
  Boy: Fire Lord Ozai burned his son, to teach him a lesson.
  Mike: The lesson: Never put the pizza box in the fridge if there's only one slice left.
• As Admiral Zhao confronts the Blue Spirit:
  Zhao: Who are you? Why are you doing this?
  Bill (As Zhao): I mean, I know you're a cosplay character from some lame Anime series, but I can't place you.
• As Zhao briefs Ozai on the Avatar's rescue:
  Ozai: And you think. My son is this... person they are calling THE Blue Spirit?
  Mike: (As Zhao) I don't know where you got that from, sir. Mostly they call him "The Masked Homo".
• Zuko in the Southern Water tribe:
  Zuko: BRING ME ALL YOUR ELDERLY!
  Mike (as Zuko): I NEED THEIR PREPERATION H FOR MY FACE OWIES!
• Zuko: Don't even try to escape, THIS IS A WARSHIP!- [Aang flips over a table]
  Bill (As Zuko): Ah, in hindsight maybe we should have tried something stronger than saying "Don't even try to escape" at least handcuffs! Something!
  Mike (As Iroh): Hey, don't beat yourself up, you said "Don't even try to escape". Who knew he would try to escape despite your saying that? It's not your fault.
  Bill (As Zuko): Hmm, thanks man, that really helps.
• "Hello, plot? Motivation? Audience Interest?"
• As Zhao is describing his plans to the king...
  Zhao: With this information, we can bring down the water tribe city.
  (Ozai's actor looks toward the camera)
  Kevin (as Zhao): King? King, YO! I'm over here king!
• PEBBLE DANCE
  Kevin: Let us never speak of what just happened again.
• A bunch of fire nation soldiers running away
  Mike: Those guys aren't running from Aang, they just got accused of eyeing some lady's lemon drink back there.
  • Several Scenes Later.
    Kevin: Oh no, it's the wind from The Happening.
    Mike: What? Ma'am, no, not the wind!
• Aang practicing waterbending
  Mike (As Aang): Oh great water god Matthew McConaughey, grant that I may remain forever shirtless.
  Bill: (in southern accent) Well, alright...
• Yue doing her thing.
  Bill: Almost as dramatic as the time the earth princess sacrificed her life for the dead ficus tree.
• Oh,sure his light up tattoo looks fancy, but it's just there to remind him where his nose is.
• The whole practice area sequence
• Also, airline safety dance.
• Introducing Zhao: The Daily Show's Senior Taking-a-Role-for-the-Paycheck Correspondent. And also:
  Zhao: (spotting Zuko's ship) The banished Prince. Let's offer him lunch.
  Mike: Which one of you two can yell the loudest?
• Run! M. Night's making his cameo back there!
• Kevin (as Zuko) I have no time to think about girls when I'm obsessing over a 12-year-old boy. Wait. That Came Out Wrong.
• As Zhao dies a watery death:
  Bill: Back... to you...Jon... ugh.
• "Hey, Mr. Avatar, you're causing all the toilets in town to back up."
• Any time Aang is referred to as a Jawa.
• Iroh's first appearance:
  Kevin: Hey, man, like, what have you done with Cheech, man?
• Iroh tests Aang's Avatar abilities by pouring water on the table:
  Bill: When the blind serve drinks.
• Zhao sees Zuko again:
  Zhao: I killed you!
  Mike (as Zuko): I got better.
• After knocking Katara out:
  Zuko: I'm not allowed to go without him.
  Kevin (as Katara): (perkily) That's nice; I'm unconscious!
• One of the title cards:
  Mike: You know, I tried reading the Water book; I found it a little dry.
• "So do you think they mean 'bender' the way British people use it?" "Google it, folks!"
  • Becomes Hilarious in Hindsight after watching the Grand Finale of The Legend of Korra.
• Kevin vocalizing Aang's Dull Surprise while entering the Northern Water Tribe.
• When a Firebender looks up at the wave caused by Aang, turns around and points to it - "Frag One!"
• After Zhao removes his cape and nervously puts it down - "I'll take off more. Don't think I won't take off more!"
• During Katara's opening scene, showing her waterbending.
  "Ultimately BP resorted to witchcraft to clean up the Gulf."
• As Aang fights off a horde of Fire Nation soldiers in a stone dais thing:
  Bill: ''(thoughtfully)' You know, that looks like a lot of effort. He should just get a gun.
• When Zhao is about to kill the moon spirit and asks Iroh why the gods insist on giving themselves such vulnerable physical forms:
  Iroh: To teach man kindness and humility.
  (Close up of the sack holding the soon-to-be-dead moon spirit)
  Kevin: Workin' out great.
• As all the soldiers/citizens stop to watch the tidal wave rising up over the city during the climactic final battle:
  Mike: You know, if it were me, I'd try and resist the urge to look up in wonder and just go around stabbing the other guys until they caught on to me.
• Kevin singing Macarena as Aang is doing martial arts (sorta).
• The attempt to practice water-dancing is interpreted by Mike and Kevin as them trying to act like flight attendants doing the safety demonstration.

Manos: The Hands Of Fate

Manos: The Hands of Fate

• At the very beginning:
  Kevin: This looks familiar... Oh yeah, it's footage from my vacation to Hell.
  Bill: That's El Paso.
  Kevin: Like I said, Hell.
  • Many Take That! riffs aimed at Texas ensue.
• On another scene of The Master showing his robe.
  Mike: You know, if you removed four of the fingers of each of the hands on his robe there, you'd have my opinion of this movie.
  Bill: Two thumbs up?!
  Mike: Um... yeah.
• At one point, The Master's dog stares directly into the camera.
  Kevin (as Demon Dog): I miss Michael Vick.
  (During the Live Show, the audience loudly groaned, evoking a "What? WHAT?" from Kevin.)
• Peppy, the family's little dark-haired poodle, is found dead. Response?
  Mike: Wow, this movie is racist. The black character dies first.
• The nighttime scene of the two teens making out gets depicted as "white trash" version of Twilight. At the Live Show, the Crew took a bow to thunderous applause after the riff.
• Mike compares the little girl’s Inelegant Blubbering to Kevin when he suggested they do this movie again.
• When Debbie is revealed as one of The Master's future "wives", naturally the Rifftrax crew reacted in horror, but subverted by Bill admitting it wasn't nearly as creepy as Toddlers & Tiaras.
• The awkward silence and Meaningful Looks were allowed to play without riffing (which was only accompanied by the natural unscripted chuckle by one or more of the riffers), to great comedic effect.
• The end of the "Peeping Torgo" scene, after the expected jokes regarding Torgo's pervy peeping, when Margaret turns to see the window empty and Torgo-less.
  Bill: FAP FAP FAP FAP!!!
  (Mike groans in disgust.)
  Kevin: Okay, that's just not funny!
  (During the Live Show, the riffing was delayed due to shrieking laughter from the crowd.)
• When the Master starts beating the First Wife and tearing her clothes off.
  Kevin (as wife): Go ahead, lightly slap me and spread jelly on my cheek! And take my... toilet paper ration or whatever that was!
• When the final scene reveals that Mike (the movie character) has become the new caretaker, and appears to greet another lost couple, speaking in a Creepy Monotone.
  Mike (as Mike): Carry your own damn bags.

Memento

Memento

• The Running Gag involving Burt's the motel manager's missing pet raccoon.
• "SHIRTS! SHIRTS! THEY'RE COMING TO GET ME!"
• At the end of the film:
  Mike: Hi, I'm Mike Nelson, and welcome to Rifftrax...
• "MEMENTO: HOT, BACKING UP ACTION, PULLING CAREFULLY FORWARD LIKE YOU'VE NEVER SEEN!"

Mortal Kombat

Mortal Kombat: The Movie

• Only a couple seconds into the famous theme song: "And, I have a migraine."
• On Raiden: "A powerful god who sounds like Ren Hoek."
• After Liu Kang wins the first fight at the tournament: "His hair doubles in volume with each defeated opponent."
• When Liu Kang does a wall flip during the Sub-Zero fight: "MAKE 'EM LAUGH, MAKE 'EM LAUGH!"

Nestor The Long-Eared Christmas Donkey

Nestor, the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey

• When Nestor returns home as Roger Miller sings:
  Mike (as Nestor): Guy that beat me and killed my mother, you're my best friend of all!
• Mike and Disembaudio arguing over the appropriateness of Mike using the word "ass" to describe the donkey narrator.

Over the Top

Over the Top

• "A belt and suspenders? His pants must not just fall down, they must try to run away!"
• When Michael's having a go at driving and can't keep from jostling the rig:
  Hawk: "Hey, way to go, son! You know, I always wanted to be a milkshake!"
  Mike!Hawk: "But I didn't even have the grades for that!"
• Mike's quip when Hawk is visited in jail by his son:
  "Don't worry, Michael; I've been saving up a special Monopoly card for just such an occasion."
• The question Mike poses at the very unpleasant close-up of Bull Hurley's sweaty gourd:
  "Bull's face, or a bull's ass?"

Paranormal Activity

Paranormal Activity

• The repeated shrieks from the group when they think they are supposed to be scared (i.e. seeing the keys have been knocked on the floor) and their general resentment of the rest of the film is pure gold.
• Kevin being so nauseated by the prospect of the two characters having sex, he declares whenever he thinks its going to happen, he will instead think of Tommy Wiseau and his "Gristley Ass" in the sex scenes of The Room, much to the horror of the other two who begin to see it themselves.
• The riffers making fun of, among other things about Micah, his name:
  Micah: Show yourself!
  Mike: When guys named "Micah" try to act tough, we all lose.
  Kevin: Parents, more evidence that naming your child "Micah" never ends well.
  Mike: By the way, guys, just wanted to correct a little error I've let go for too long: my name is spelled M-I-K-E, but it's pronounced "Meek".
  Bill: Yeah, don't trash-talk the phantoms when your name is "Micah"; it's not gonna work.
• (Doorbell rings)
  Bill: Demon~! I'll just leave 'im on the porch, okay?
  (Katie answers the door)
  Bill: (growly, demonic voice) '"COME WITH ME TO HELL!!!"
• (Pretending to read with the planchette on Ouija board): T-H-I-S-M-O-V-I-E-B-L-O-W-S
• Micah: You got a problem?
  Kevin: Yo, I'll solve it...
• The riffers' reaction to the ridiculously small areas where Micah puts powder on the ground to pick up the demon's footprints:
  "And, provided the thing can't jump or take an average sized stride, we WILL catch it!"
• The talk the riffers have about a Hollywood adaptation of Goodnight Moon, in which they believe Shia Leboeuf is destined for the role as the bowl of mush.
• Mike: So let me introduce you to someone who IS familiar with demons; his name is Michael Bay.
• Micah: Hey, we haven't had anything interesting happen in a while!
  Bill: Wow, he's doing our job for us.
  Mike: This might be our first self-riffing movie!
• Mike (as Micah): Here, let me sing you a lullaby: PLEASE ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF, I'M A MAN...
• And this:
  Micah: [Demons] stalk people for years, like, decades. Sometimes they're really intelligent in the way they do things.
  Bill: So intelligent that they could put your keys on the ground or even move a door.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

• Upon seeing the shipwreck in the beginning:
  Mike: Shia Labeouf Buys A Yacht, Day One.
• "Mmmm... would you like some dignity, sir?"
• When Captain Barbossa dies and his apple falls to the ground:
  Kevin: Dibs! Wait... you don't think that apple's cursed, do you?
  Mike: Uh... no.
  Kevin: Dibs!
• "His walk is John Wayne plus Carol Channing divided by Daffy Duck.
• The references to Bill's lost year in Colonial Williamsburg.
• On a character named Gillette: "Are you really the best a man can get?"
• "Hmm, I would like to visit Kira... Nightly, in fact".
• Bill's constant mention of Keira's lack of breasts.
  Bill: (is feeling Elizabeth's chest) There's literally nothing there! (Elizabeth takes out her necklace)
  Kevin (as Will): Oh, that was the lump I felt.
• When Will stops another pirate from throwing the cannon overboard:
  Will: We're going to need that.
  Mike: You said the same thing about the Snoopy Snocone maker. What can we throw out?!

Predator

Predator

• Mike: What is it about this movie that created so many novelty governors?^note Plus Sonny Landham "So what qualifies you to hold the highest executive post in our government?" "Well, I was in Predator." "Say no more, you've got my vote."
• After Blain spits some tobacco on Dillon's shoe:
  Dillon: That's a nasty habit you have.
  Mike: You talking about the acting or the running for office?
• Billy: There were twelve guerillas.
  Mike: Shoot-at-you guerillas or poop-in-their-hand-and-throw-it-at-you gorillas?
• Dillon: What the fuck?
  Mike: —is what Minnesotans said when they woke up the next morning to discover they elected him governor.
• After emptying the ammo bin on a minigun.
  Mike: Congratulations, you've created at least two hundred extinct species.
• Dillon looking up after one of the other teammates gets his head vaporized.
  Mike: Dillon is suddenly struck with the urge to watch Scanners when he gets home.
• Mike lampshades some good ol' Rock Beats Laser.
  Mike: So their species managed space travel and invisibility cloaking despite the fact that they're utterly befuddled when the enemy covers themselves in filth? Our earthworms could conquer their planet inside of ten days!
• Mike: Didn't Kirk make gunpowder and defeat this creature before?

Ready Player One

Ready Player One

• Wade narrates about Hailday over some rather unflattering press conference footage:
  Wade: [Hailday] was like a god...
  Mike: A slack-jawed god, who caught flies in his mouth and reeked of BO...
  Hailday: Maybe we should stop talking about it, and start, uh, showing it. If you all reach under your, uhm, seats, you'll find that... there is nothing there. (awkward chuckle)
  Kevin: He was like a god! ...Of bad wedding-toasts, Lord of Dad-jokes!
• The race for the first key begins and involves a motorcycle:
  Mike: Some fanboy just got a boner wondering if that might be Ghost Rider.
  (beat)
  Bill: (exasperated sigh) It's, uhm... It's an involuntary response, Mike!
• King Kong appears atop the Empire State Building:
  Bill: (gasps) It's a donkey!
• Art3mis makes a last desperate shot at getting to the finish line of the race:
  Wade: She's not gonna make it!
  Mike: Oh, no! (panicked) She'll have to try again tomorrow!
• The Riffers are not very impressed by Art3mis's avatar:
  Aech: You'll have to excuse him. He's a little nervous around pretty girls.
  Mike: In the Oasis, "pretty" means "a bush baby who got blasted by Homer Simpson's Makeup Gun".
• When Wade and Art3mis try testing each other's knowledge on Haliday, Kevin makes the following dry, but succinct comment:
  Kevin: Gatekeeping: The Motion Picture!
  • At end of said conversation:
    Mike: Can we go back to "grown man whose favorite restaurant is Chuck E. Cheese"?
• Wade explains in his Internal Monologue how he got his name:
  Wade: "Wade Watts"... My dad picked that name, because it sounded like a superhero's alter ego...
  Kevin (as Wade): He was emotionally unprepared for fatherhood.
• Another popular 80's pop song begins playing before a cutaway:
  Kevin: Anyway; here's another beloved song to make you think that what you're watching is better than it is.
• Wade sees a recreation of a moment from Hailday's past:
  Hailday: I'm a dreamer. I build worlds.
  Bill (as Hailday): Worlds where men in their 40s pretend to get Knuckles pregnant.
  • At the end of the recreation, Wade realizes that Haliday left a clue inside it:
    Hailday: Maybe we should go backwards... Really put the pedal to the metal! (laughs) Bill & Ted did it...
    Kevin (as Wade): That's it! I've got to kill Alex Winter!
• Kevin lampshades how unlikely it is that the secret to win the race was to drive backwards somehow went undiscovered for 5 years.
  Kevin: People compete for years to shave off half-a-second from the Metroid World Record, but, sure, nobody thought to drive backwards!
• As Wade cross the finishing line to the race:
  Bill: And, of course, he's hit by a Blue Shell.
  Kevin: D'oh!
• Anorak tells Wade to "get a clue", and points him towards a scroll:
  Mike: The clue just says: (nerdy voice) "Y-you remember Goonies?"
• Wade goes on a shopping spree and buys an immersion-enhancing bodysuit, Mike cannot help but bring up a rather disturbing quote from the book:
  Wade: An X-1 hepatic bootsuit!
  Mike (as Wade): (overjoyed) God, I hope it has more discreet openings than a boy can ever dream!
• Mike's description of Sorrento's avatar:
  Mike: He said: "Make my avatar look like the child of Patrick Warburton and Robert Z'Dar."
  Bill: That's extremely accurate.
• Wade looks up information about Haliday's first date:
  Art3mis: What? Hailday actually went on a date?
  Bill: (scoffs) "Date"? Yeah, he wacked it to Next Generation fanfic. Same thing.
  • Art3mis: H-hold the phone! Hailday went on a date? With Ogden Morrow's wife?!
    Mike: Almost as shocking a revelation as: "Hailday had his own Brony Jar."
• Aech warns Wade not to take his cyber-date with Art3mis too seriously:
  Aech: She could be a dude too, dude!
  Bill (as Wade): You take that back! (crying) Nobody's ever lied on the Internet!
  Aech: "She" could actually be a 300-pound dude living in his momma's basement in suburban Detroit. And "her" name is Chuck.
  Kevin: Well, now he's turned on.
  Aech: Think about that!
  Bill (as Wade): "Chuck"? Mmmmmm...
• I-R0k sits down at a booth in the bar, and tells its occupants, three female avatars to "Get Out! of here."
  Kevin: Well, that would also be my advice to any women when T.J. Miller walks into the room.
• Wade, smitten with Art3mis, asks her about her real name:
  Kevin (as Art3mis): Okay, fine! I'm Neil deGrasse Tyson!
• Art3mis and Wade discusses online relationships:
  Art3mis: You only see what I want you to see! That's what you're in love with!
  Kevin: That, and correcting strangers online, when they get a detail wrong about Darkwing Duck's origin story.
  • Art3mis then calls Wade out on his easygoing attitude:
    Art3mis: This isn't a game, Z!
    Bill (as Wade): Are you sure? 'Cause it really looks like one!
• Sorrento tries to bribe Wade, telling him that he can even get him the Millennium Falcon if he joins up with IOI:
  Mike (as Wade): Nah, the Millennium Falcon is in, like, eight movies a year now. Who cares?
• Wade and Samantha are speaking quietly together when:
  Samantha: (in sudden realization) OH, SHIT!
  Bill (as Samantha): I'm falling for a vapid doofus!
• When inside The Shining simulation, the Grady twins addresses Aech as "Danny":
  Mike: Eh, easy mistake. Aech does look just like a five-year-old riding a tricycle.
• The Shining simulation suddenly goes seriously Off the Rails:
  Mike: Ah, yes, the famous "Old-Lady-knife-fight"! Classic scene from The Shining!
  • And then a giant axe-wielding version of the Woman in Room 217 appears:
    Bill: Interesting decision to pay tribute to Stanley Kubrick by reimagine his movie as outrageously stupid.
  • Art3mis points out that maybe the simulation isn't supposed to be like the original film:
    Bill: Then what THE HELL IS THE POINT OF ALL THIS?!
• The ballroom with dancing zombies scenes:
  Bill: The Walking Dead has kinda lost its focus, don't you think?
  Kevin: (chuckles) Yeah.
  • Mike: Hailday loved this girl so much that he created a simulation of her being eternally haunted by dancing zombies ghosts. It's very touching... Uh, creepy. I mean, it's very creepy.
• Art3mis gets her hands on the scroll containing the clue to the final key:
  Mike: I'd say there is a 30% chance the next clue is just the lyrics to "Walk the Dinosaur".
• IOI tries their hand at winning The Shining simulation. This is being shown as a room full of screaming IOI employees:
  Mike (as Sorrento): Would you please stop hiring recent trauma victims!?
• When the IOI raids the resistance compound, Samantha leads Wade to an escape hatch:
  Samantha: (opens hatch) This leads right to the ally!
  Wade: You first!
  Samantha: I'll be right behind you! Go, now!
  (Wade enters the hatch)
  Kevin (as Samantha): HA! Incinerator, you idiot! BURN!
• Shoto's real life identity of an 11-year-old Japanese kid is revealed:
  Bill: (exasperated sigh) Motion to just call him "Short Round" and be done with it?
  Kevin: Sure.
  Mike: Aye.
• I-R0k and Sorrento meet once more:
  Sorrento: I-R0k, how are we doing?
  I-R0k: (deep inhale) To be honest, I think I need physical therapy, because—
  Sorrento: Is the orb ready?
  Bill: Even this movie is tired of T.J. Miller's schtick... (whispers) And they hired him for it.
• Sorrento sits in his VR chair with a smug expression on his face:
  Kevin (as Sorrento): Ah! I gotta be honest; installing a toilet in this thing was the best decision I ever made.
• Wade and Toshiro confront Sorrento in person at gunpoint:
  Wade: Where is she?
  Sorrento: How'd you get in here?
  Wade: Art3mis!
  Sorrento: Who?
  Wade: Samantha Cook! Where is she?
  Bill (as Wade): And don't pull that "the princess is in another castle" crap on me!
  • Sorrento tries to call Wade's bluff:
    Wade: You killed my mom's sister! ...You think I won't kill you?
    Mike: (bemused) "My mom's sister"? One day we will come up with a word for that.
• Wade instructs Samantha on how to escape from her IOI cell by using the manual release handles:
  Mike: See? This is why I never install release levers inside the writing cells here at RiffTrax.
  Kevin: (whispers) Mike! Don't say "cells"!
  Mike: Uh, offices!
  Kevin: Yeah.
  Mike: I said "offices"! (whispers) You're the one who said cells, not me...
  • Samantha opens her IOI cell.
    Automated system: Loyalty Pod 418, you are on an authorized break for 10 minutes.
    Bill: Apple's Chinese employees are in awe over these generous perks.
• Samantha asks Wade for Sorrento's password:
  Bill (as Samantha): Wait, dumb question. As a CEO he clearly uses Two-step Authenticat— Eh, no? No.
• Samantha looks through Sorrento's files:
  Samantha: The Complete Nancy Drew... (scrolls on) Kegel exercises for me— (quickly scrolls on)
  Kevin: Incontinence jokes! That's what's Schindler's List and Munich was missing!
• Wade makes his speech:
  Wade: ...And yes. I know it's kind of a groaner... I found love.
  Bill (as Wade): Well, uh, I-I met her yesterday... But she's really swell!
  • Three cuts later and...
    Kevin: Oh, god! He's still talking!?
    Bill: What a windbag!
    Mike: (groans)
• Helen activates the Iron Giant in her workshop:
  Bill: Yeah, noted implement of violence, the Iron Giant.
  Mike: Next, Art3mis charges her avatar to a shirtless, asskicking Ghandi.
• As the Grunter army rallies behind Wade:
  I-R0k: (lays his hand mockingly on Sorrento's shoulder) "No man is a failure who has friends."
  Kevin: It doesn't get more 80s than Frank Capra's 1946 classic...
• The IOI company is running out of Atari games to test:
  IOI lieutenant: One minute into Sword Quest, the ice broke.
  (IOI researcher crossing out Sword Quest on a board with many other game titles)
  Mike (as IOI researcher): (resigned) Well... Time to try Custer's Revenge...
• Aech tries to help out Wade:
  Aech: Try this little guy!
  (throws a Chuckie doll to Wade)
  Kevin: Seth Green?! How will he help?
• Sorrento activates his Mechagodzilla:
  Art3mis: It's Mechagodzilla!
  (Mechagodzilla roars triumphantly)
  Mike: A reminder: Sorrento is sitting in his chair, roaring.
  • Daito decides to counter Mechagodzilla by activating his Gundam, and the two mechs duke it out:
    Mike: Well, this is almost making me look kindly on Transformers, and Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen, Transformers: Dark of the Moon, Transformers: Age of Extinction, and Transformers: The Last Knight... (with sheeting rage) But Bumblebee can go straight to hell!
• Sorrento finds out that Samantha has been sabotaging him:
  Sorrento: (to his underlings) She never left! She's still here!
  Bill: Yeah, those are synonyms. Be a more efficient CEO, huh?
• Wade explains the Easter Egg in Adventure:
  Wade: You don't find it by winning. You find it by wandering around in a dark room!
  Kevin: Also how the script for this film was written.
  Mike: (laughs heartedly)
• Wade: I will never let the future of the Oasis rest in your hands, Norlan Sorrento!
  Kevin: Thanks for stating character names once every hour in this thing! (whispers) ...Are we in hour five yet?
  Bill: (whispers) I-I assume so...
  Kevin: (whispers) I'm so lost!
• Sorrento recovers in the real world after getting kick in the crotch by Wade:
  Bill: Script reads here: "Billionaire CEO rips off plastic codpiece, hands it to assistant."
  Kevin: (shudders in disgust)
• A subverted Title Drop, when it turns out that Wade survived the explosion:
  Karatsu: See! He is still alive!
  Bill: You might say that he is Player One and he is... all set? Uh, expectant? I can't think of any other way to say it.
  Kevin: Prepared?
• The Doritos Product Placement:
  Kevin: Doritos! Because if you've watched this far, you're clearly a fan of garbage!
• Samantha being strangely apprehensive upon seeing Helen in real life:
  Helen: Yeah... I know. Not what you're where expecting, huh?
  Samantha: (trying to play her surprise off as a joke) Yeah, I wasn't expecting a late '30s-model postal van.
  Kevin (as Samantha): I am deeply racist, though. So this isn't gonna work.
• Samantha being surprised upon discovering that Wade is still in the game:
  Samantha: How come you're still playing?
  Wade: Extra life. Long story. Sorry I shot you.
  Bill (as Wade): Hack author. Deus ex Machina. Cybersex later?
• Samantha is also surprised by Shoto/Karatsu's real life appearance:
  Mike: Why does everyone react with gape-mouthed shock when they meet an 11-year-old boy who likes video games?
• Wade later exposits on a livestream about how the Easter Egg in Adventure works:
  Wade: You just had to blindly play, searching around in rooms for an invisible dot.
  Mike: Oh... Sounds aimless and unsatisfying. A perfect fit for this movie!
  • Wade then dramatically reveals what the Easter Egg itself is:
    Wade: ...And that's where you found the first Easter Egg ever put in a video game: the creator's name.
    Kevin: Prompting kids who found it to say: "Big deal!" and "This guy sure is full of himself, huh?"
• Halliday as Anorak heavily slurs his words as he tries to speak dramatically:
  Kevin: Why is the Chessmaster so drunk?
• Anorak asks Wade to sign the paper that makes the Oasis his. Wade sits with the pen in his hand and hesitates:
  Bill (as Wade): (apologetic) Oops... I never learned how to write in cursive...
  • Wade guesses that the contract Anorak asks him to sign is another test. Anorak tells him that he is right:
    Anorak: Oh, good. I just need to be sure.
    Mike (as Anorak): ...And to complete the Willy Wonka rip-off.
    Kevin: Jeez! And we didn't even get a "You lose! Good day, sir!"
• Halliday drops the Anorak disguise and takes Wade to a simulation of his childhood room:
  Wade: (amazed) This is where you grew up!
  Bill (as Wade): (in the same amazed tone) You were a privileged, upper-middle class, white guy and yet you overcame it all!
  • Halliday remarks on the presence of his younger self in the simulation:
    Halliday: Oh, that's just me, a long time ago. I like to have him around from time to time...
    Mike (as Young Halliday): Please help! Teach me some sports!
  • Halliday points a Big Red Button to Wade:
    Halliday: This is the button. If you push it, the whole simulation shuts down...
    Kevin: Ooh, including that Rush poster behind you?
    Bill: PUSH IT! PUSH IT NOW!
    • And Bill gets an extra dig in:
      Halliday: I created the Oasis, because I never felt at home in the real world.
      Bill: Yeah, again, the Rush poster makes that kinda clear.
  • Halliday's avatar struggles to actually remember where he put the Egg that would make Wade the official owner of the Oasis:
    Kevin: If the rest of the movie was him looking for the Egg and muttering, it would be art.
• Halliday hands Wade the Egg, making his suit's hand glow with a golden light:
  Mike: Huh, impressive! His moment of triumph looks lame in the real world and the imaginary world.
  • Wade has some last questions for Halliday:
    Wade: Mr. Halliday... You're not an avatar are you?
    Halliday: ...No.
    Bill (as Halliday): You think I chose this look?
    Wade: Is Halliday really dead?
    Halliday: ...Yes.
    Mike (as Wade): Does that mean it will be okay for us to... kiss? (hastily) I'm just curious!
  • The Riffers question the presence of the young Halliday:
    Bill (as Wade): Uhm... Why the boy version of you...?
    Kevin (as Halliday): I just don't seem twisted... I really am!
• As the triumphant High Five group is cheer by a crowd:
  Bill (as Crowd Member): We're cheering because a corporation charged ownership!
  Mike (as Crowd Member): We love acquisition deals! Yes!
  Kevin (as Crowd Member): Yaaay!
• Wade realizes how much Halliday treasured his friendship with Ogden Morrow:
  Wade: It was you, Mr. Morrow! I mean... You were the Rosebud.
  Mike (as Odgen): "Rosebud"? That's not from the 80s! I don't know what that is, and I won't respond to it!
  • Odgen considers Wade's words:
    Odgen: You know, Jim used to say that the Oasis was never supposed to be a one-player game.
    Kevin (as Odgen): ...But then, he also said that his favorite restaurant was Chuck E. Cheese's, so...
• The Riffers tries to consider the (Broken) Aesop of the film:
  Mike: Okay, so the message is: "It's good to be obsessed with the stuff you're obsessed with, and you should be rewarded for it, but you should also feel bad because it doesn't really matter"?
  Kevin: As clear as a vintage bottle of Crystal Pepsi!
  Bill: I'm really not sure what happened here, guys...

Reign of Fire

Reign of Fire

• ♪"I fell in to a burnin' Reign of Fire!/ McConaughey peeled off his shirt/ and the flames got higher!"♪
• When a man and a boy explore a cave:
  Man: (to Boy) Why don't you go inside and have a wee look?"
  Kevin (as Man): That way, when I hear your muffled screams, I'll be able to estimate the size of the cave-in."
  and
  Mike: Well, they drilled right into the side of the Batcave, killing Alfred and Robin instantly. Batman remains in intensive care.
• (As a child) "YAY!!! I get to sleep in the same room with a depressed, hairy man!!!!"
• "My ugly senses are tingling!"
• (About the dragon) "Are we gonna get a bigger boat? We need a bigger boat."
• "INCOMPREHENSIBLE PANICKED YELLING!!!" "Yeah, well, INCOMPREHENSIBLE PANICKED YELLING BACK AT YOU!!!!!"
• This moment:
  Kevin: That's right men—vigorously defend our smelly crap-hole!
  Mike (doing a damn good Winston Churchill impression): We will fight to the cistern. We will fight to the garbage-strewn towers. We will fight to the dank, rat-infested basement. We will NEVER SURRENDER!!!...Probably.
• "Alright, just like we practiced men: panic and scatter. Panic and scatter!"
• Any scene where they make fun of Matthew McConaughey (there are too many to list).

Rise of the Planet of the Apes

Rise of the Planet of the Apes

• "Brian Cox hasn't seen apes this organized since he faced Johnny Chimpo in Super Troopers!
• "Kiss me and we'll see" during Caesar's last talk with Will following the escape.

Roadhouse

Road House (1989)

• The entire monologue about "I used to fuck guys like you in prison!". "Do you still keep in touch with them? Did you hang around and talk afterwards or was it purely sexual?"
• Dalton: Pain don't hurt.
  Mike: I think by its very definition it does.
• When the line, "That guy over there is fucking Dalton!" is said, Mike says, "Well, stop him then!".
• Dalton: Nobody ever wins in a fight.
  Mike: I learned that in my Zen Bullshit class.
• From the Three-Riffer Edition, we get this gem during the scene of Steve having sex with a girl in the Double Deuce’s back room.
  Steve: You’re gonna be my regular Saturday night thing!
  Bill: Oh, dear, oh…
  (Guys groan and chuckle)
  Mike: This took a turn…
  Bill: Oof… eye opener.
  Kevin: Wow…
  (Dalton enters)
  Bill (as Dalton): Hey, Steve, where’d you put the sausage? D’OH! What… timing…

The Room

The Room

• Every sex scene is greeted with horror by any who watch them, but especially when Kevin sees Tommy Wiseau's pasty white rear end.
  Kevin: DISCONNECT! (electric shock) DISCONNECT! (electric shock) DISCONNECT! (electric shock)
• Lisa orders a pizza:
  Lisa: Half Canadian bacon with pineapple, half artichoke with pesto and light on the cheese.
  Mike: Ah yes, Domino's WTF-special.
• Kevin and Bill singing "There's a Hole in My Bucket", and taking it too far.
  Mike: No, NOT HAMBONE!
• The mention of Loverboy gives Mike an ear worm of Working For the Weekend.
• The Disembaudio sequences during the movie's sex scenes. This movie manages to destroy the lives of Disembaudio and all of his friends and family.
  • Though with the exception of Dis's Grandmother and G-Dimes, and we guess Walter, they were all pretty horrible people and kinda deserved it. When the joke achieves Brick Joke status at the fourth sex scene, and becomes an obvious set up that Mike, Kevin and Bill know is coming, when "Nana Baudio" enters, it's just riotous.
  • Disembaudio's rant about his addiction to horse tranquilizers and the fact that he's committed several murders (Kevin: "Murders, plural?!") recently will probably bring tears to your eyes. That becomes a Brick Joke as well.
    Bill: Why don't you let me just inject horse tranquilizers right into your eye.
    Disembaudio: (popping in) Is that an open offer?!
    Mike: Please leave.
• The running gags on the football motif, the mom's cancer everytime she is mentioned or shown, and Johnny saying "Oh hai" to everything. There's more.
  • When Denny goes into the bedroom before Johnny and Lisa's sex scene...
    Mike (as Johnny): Oh hi, Denny.
  • During the rooftop conversation scene...
    Bill (as Johnny): Think I'd miss a chance to say, "Oh hai, Movie Theater!"?
    • Followed later by...
    Mike (as Johnny): I guess what I'm saying is, "Oh hai, Denny".
  • When Johnny returns home...
    Bill (as Johnny): Oh hai, Sidewalk! (picks up newspaper) Oh hi, Newspaper! (turns to the entrance) Oh hi, Entrance!
  • When Johnny arrives back at the apartment and sees Michelle as she's leaving...
    Kevin (as Johnny): Oh hai, Michelle!
    • After she leaves and Johnny looks at Lisa...
      Bill (as Johnny): Oh hai, Lisa!
  • "Don't talk like that."
    Kevin (as Johnny): Talk like me. "Oh hai, Denny".
  • During the "me underwears" scene in the alley...
    Kevin (as Johnny): Oh hai, Underwear Story!
  • When Johnny sets up a recorder next to the answering machine so that he can "record everything"...
    Bill:Look at the concentration on his face, you can almost hear his mind working saying, "Oh hi, Answering Machine!".
  • When Mark arrives while Johnny talks with Peter the Psychiatrist...
    Johnny: Oh hai, Mark, come in.
    Mark: Oh, hey, Johnny.
    Kevin (as Johnny): Oh hai, Mark, again.
  • As Johnny goes to a cafe and passes a reservoir...
    Kevin: It's a reservoir dog, now with actual reservoir.
    Mike: And real dog.
    Bill (as Johnny): Oh hai, Doggie.
  • When Michelle and Lisa have another talk...
    Mike (as Lisa): I try to, but he just kept greeting me!
    Bill (as Johnny): Oh hai, Lisa!
  • On a shot of a random building in San Fransisco...
    Kevin (as Johnny): Oh hai, Building!"
  • As Johnny walks home and there's a shot of the Ferry Building...
    Bill (as Johnny):Oh hai, Embarcadero! Do you know that I love Lisa so much? She's so beautiful and sexy.
  • Before Johnny enters a darkened room where his birthday party takes place...
    Kevin (as Johnny): Oh hai, Darkness!
  • When Johnny commits suicide...
    Bill (as Johnny): Oh hai, Gun Barrel!
  • After Johnny's suicide...
    Bill (as Johnny): A gloomy peace this morning with it brings. The sun... or sorrow — Oh hai, Mark!
  • As everybody cries over Johnny's corpse after his suicide...
    Mike (as Johnny): Oh hai, Mark, hai, Denny, hai, Lisa, I'm dead, you know, hahaha... Now that everyone betrayed me, I'll come back to haunt you while you sleep or shower, haha. Okay, bye-bye doggie.
  • And at the end:
    Bill: Oh hi, Mike!
    Kevin: Oh hi, Bill!
    Mike: Okay, enough already. Join us again next time at RiffTrax.com!
    Kevin: Oh hi, RiffTrax!
• After Johnny commits suicide:
  Lisa: I lost him, but I still have you, right? Right??
  Mike (as Mark): Yeah... about that, um—
  Mark: You don't have me. You'll never have me.
  Bill (as Mark): I'm unhaveable! I am Mark!
• After one bizarre and inexplicable piece of dialogue after another between Peter, Johnny, and Mark:
  Bill: We have fully descended into madness, gentlemen, and we're not even at the one hour mark.
  Kevin: I can't take anymore!
  Mike: Really? CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP Chicken, Kevin. You're just a little chicken. CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP!
• Kevin compares Tommy Wiseau's multiple production credits as producer, writer, director, and actor as a modern M. Night Shyamalan. Mike tells Kevin not to insult Tommy Wiseau with that comparison.
  • The riff about of Lisa and her friends discussing which one of them is Edward Cullen's wife
• When Lisa leaves Johnny:
  Bill (as Johnny): So, no birthday presents? (pause) Y-You know I was really hoping that I'd get a flowbee. Nothing...?
• When Johnny wrecks his room:
  Kevin: The room! HE'S TEARING IT APART!!
  Mike: In his enraged state, he's able to lift a 65 pound CRT TV as if it were a hollow prop of some sort!
• When Johnny says something unintelligible:
  Kevin: He's speaking in tongues!
  Mike: Oh no, I clearly heard him say (says some gibberish).
• When Johnny smashes his mirror:
  Kevin (as Johnny): I hate you, guy who looks like me!
• After Johnny's suicide:
  Kevin (as Denny): JOHNNY, WHERE DID YOU PUT THE FOOTBALL?!?!
• A Call-Back to, of all things, Prince of Space! "I like you VERY MUCH!"
• After Johnny and Mark fight:
  Johnny: It's not over! Everybody betrayed me! I'm fed up with this world!
  Kevin: I'm going back to BrazilaRomaniSlovakia...Stan.
• When Denny goes to the rooftop to talk with Johnny:
  Mike (as Denny): Hey, are my drug problems over?
• During Johnny's birthday party.
  Bill: All right, now where's the monster from Cloverfield when you really need it?
• "Denny: named after the restaurant where his mom gave birth between dishwashing shifts."
• "Eurotrash infesting your bathroom? Call 1-800-EU'RE-OUT!"
• During a moment between Lisa and Mark:
  Lisa: This is between you and me.
  Mike: And Denny, who's videotaping us from the window
• After Johnny and Denny talk and the scene suddenly cut to Alcatraz for some reason:
  Kevin: Denny was sentenced to 50 years in Alcatraz and died in prison.

The Sixth Sense

The Sixth Sense

• "Just so I'm not blindsided, help me with the five senses: there's sight, smell, touch, taste, and the ability to control thunderstorms, right?
  Bill: No no, sight is not one of them.
  Kevin: Huh?
  Bill: Scratch that off and add the ability to calm an angry German.
  Mike: Uh, where does that leave everybody's naturally occurring Christopher Walken impression?
  Kevin: I think that is the Sixth Sense that is the subject of this movie.
• "I got flowers, but I paid a bum to eat them."
• "You're not a freak."
  Mike: You're an abomination.
• At Cole standing alone in the street in front of his school.
  Kevin: Look familiar, Mike?
  Mike: What do you mean? He's not on the ground being kicked and taunted.
• Cole, while riding a bus, passes by a cemetery and is cheerfully greeted by everyone buried there. Well one of them isn't so nice:
  Bill (as Ghost): You suck, Cole!
• The entire wake scene is full of glorious Black Comedy.
  • When they see a woman crying her eyes out:
    Man: Can you get some water?
    Kevin: She's gonna gargle the Star Spangled Banner.
  • "I believe funeral etiquette requires a lllladies."
  • They have one of the mourners reveal that he's only there to take advantage of vulnerable women.
  • "Let's see, snuff film, snuff film, snuff film...AH! Various episodes of Suddenly Susan?!"
  • They make it so Cole is selling candy rather than searching for Kira's father while holding a box that contains evidence of her murder.
    • "She would've been hot, sir. In seven or eight years, I would've been all up in that. So sorry about your loss."
  • "What stings even more? That he's a salesman for Pinesol."
  • Cole gives Kira's sister her favorite puppet:
    Cole: You liked it, she said.
    Mike (as the Sister): Yeah, I was just being nice.
• The bonus clip posted to Youtube, in which Kira's father receives a tape from Cole, and watches it with mounting sadness and horror.^{Big ol' spoilers} In the actual movie, the tape shows proof that Kira's mother was poisoning her. It turns out to be the trailer for Beverly Hills Chihuahua.
• "If you remarry I'll drop a piano on his head."
• The return of this Running Gag:
  Anna's Boyfriend: You don't need a guy with a Master's degree, you need a wrestler with a neck as big as his head.
  Anna: No, I need a wrestler with a Master's.
  Bill: BOOOOONESAAAAAW'S GOT A MASTER'S!!!

Starship Troopers

Starship Troopers

• After the Roughnecks find out the distress call was a trap...
  General Owen: We're gonna die! Don't you understand?!
  Mike: That was me 10 minutes into Transformers 3.
• "SMILE-TRON 4000 ENGAGED."
• When Carmen pilots her ship for the first time: "Steady as she goes, Number Two"
  Kevin: AS she goes number two?
  Bill: Yeah, that'll be points off on the exam...
• During the Battle of Klendathu:
  Mobile Infantry Squad Leader: Follow me!
  Kevin: Follow me, but try to be original okay?! Make the war your own!
• After the extraction from the base where the distress call was a trap:
  Zander: (to Carmen) I think you should know...
  Mike (as Zander): ...you're gonna be the worst Bond Girl.
• During the shower scene
  Mike: I'm throwin' my lot with the bugs. How bout you guys?
  Bill: Mike, you can't sell out humanity for a few man asses.
  • Afterward, during the video call when someone moons the camera:
  Bill: You know what? Go Bugs.
  Kevin: Go Bugs.
• During Rico's administrative punishment.
  Bronski: (Whipping Rico) One!
  Kevin: Singular sensation! Every little step she takes!
  Mike: Not a good time Kevin!

Street Fighter

• "He died as he lived: Unconvincingly."

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)

• April tries desperately to explain the existence of the Turtles to her boss without sounding completely delusional (and failing miserably):
  Bernadette Thompson: I just want to be clear. You are now telling me that there are four six-foot talking turtles walking around New York City, and no one has seen them but you?
  Bill: Well, me and David Icke.
• "Oh, no. My worst fears have been realized."
  Mike: I'm Tony Shalhoub, and I'm voicing a rat.
• April stands on of a New York rooftop:
  Mike: Ooh, be careful a Michael Jackson music video can break out any minute.
• "She's somehow the least realistic thing in this scene."
• "Heheheh, your sons? You think you're their father?"
  Mike (as Shredder): I think I'm Optimus Wolverine! Make believe is fun!
• "'Where is the fourth?' and 'Destroy this place' are the things I said right before and right after Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull...figure that one out."
• "Inside those turtles is the most precious compound on Earth."
  Bill: Half-digested delivery pizza.
• "Michael." (Kevin cracks up)
• The guys compare the Turtles' yells to women in the middle of giving birth, which results in a chuckle every time the Turtles scream in the final battle.
• "Grunting equals drama."
  Bill: NUH!

Titanic

Titanic (1997)

• Capt. Smith as the Titanic sets off.
  Kevin: I'm going to sink this bitch!
  • Also counts as a CMOF for Mystery Science Theater 3000, as this line was also used when Mike and the 'Bots viewed clips of Titanic during an Oscar special.
• As Rose, Ruth and Cal admire the Titanic:
  Ruth: So this is the ship they say is unsinkable.
  Cal: It is unsinkable. God Himself could not sink this ship.
  Deckhand: Sir! Sir!
  Bill (as Deckhand): Sir, the captain has asked if you would please stop foreshadowing!
  (later)
  Jack: We're the luckiest sons of bitches in the world, you know that?!
  Bill: Aw, man, Cameron's beyond foreshadowing now. He is five-shadowing!
• When the camera zooms in on young!Rose's and then zooms in then out, seguing into old!Rose's eye, the cast hum soothing, romantic music, until the eye starts to change, when they go "AAARGH, GRRRRRGH URGH, OH-OHMYGOD!"
  Mike (as Old Rose): He drew me for 70 years.
• As the flashback starts to the ship:
  Kevin (singing in a soprano voice): ♪CGI! CGI! CGI...SHIP!♪
• Jack: Come on!
  Bill: Into Molly Brown's changing room... OH MY GOD!!! OH DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN!!!
• The riffers give voices to that happy pod of dolphins that Jack sees.
  Kevin!Dolphin: YOUR PROPELLERS KILLED MY FAMILY! I VOW REVEEENGE!
  Mike!Dolphin: I join your quest for revenge!
  Bill!Dolphin: Let's tow an iceberg into the path of this MURDER SHIP!
  Kevin!Dolphin: Death to the Titanic!
  Bill!Dolphin: Death to the Titanic!
  Mike!Dolphin: Death to the Titanic!
• At the end when the camera pans from 1997 Rose past a series of pictures of her in her cabin meant to show her life after the Titanic accident they point out how narcissistic it makes her look and have her talking about her cropping other people out of her pictures and objecting even to the presence of a horse in one.
• During the dinner scene, whenever Rose's mother appears talking, they start humming and whistling a circus style music.
• On the scenes that sets the people in the high-class area, and the people on the basements, the three start to chatter on "business" and "gambling", respectively, and in the same manner on both scenes.
• During some of the dialogue between Jack and Rose:
  Mike: This is almost like Shakespeare! ...never existed, and instead we got the lady who wrote Twilight.
• Singing "Poker Face" to the tune of "Nearer My God to Thee."
• After saying "I regret nothiiiing!" several times in regards to the people falling off the ship, this happens:
  Kevin: I regret— OOOH!! Hitting the propeller! WOW that hurt!
• As a passenger falls to his demise on the capsizing Titanic:
  Mike: Hey Todd, I bet I can count to 15 before I hit! 12345678910 11 12 13 14 15! I win!
• "I've got to admit, I totally saw that coming."
• Bill: (in a snooty tone of voice) Time for a crunk party. ...Bitches.
• Disembaudio's rendition of "My Heart Will Go On." He gets a little too into it...
• "Dear diary...I saw boobs today."
• There's a Running Gag where they rag on how young Leonardo DiCaprio looks.
  Mike (as Jack): I'm twelve!
  
  Bill (as Jack): Okay, I'm actually nine, but I have a candy cigarette.
  
  Mike (as Angry gambler): You're only seven!
  
  Bill (as Jack): Wow, next year I'll be in fifth grade! I'm a BIG boy!
  
  Jack: I remember when I was a kid...
  Kevin: Wait, when I was a kid?!
  
  Jack: Well, I figure life's a gift and I don't intend on wasting it.
  Kevin: After all, I'm almost twelve!
• Frequent jabs are given to Cal Hockley for his effeminate appearance.
  Officer William Murdoch: (talking about getting in the lifeboats) Anyone else?
  Bill (as Cal): Will it smudge my eyeliner? I don't want that.
• As people are falling down the sinking ship:
  Kevin: IT'S RAINING MEN! HALLELUJAH!
• When Cal wrecks the table at breakfast on the last morning of the ship:
  Kevin: Guess he didn't like the muffins.
• Mike (as Molly Brown): You dirty birdy!!
  Bill: Unsinkable, maybe. Un-p'wnable, apparently not.
• After Rose rediscovers her old mirror:
  Rose: The reflection's changed a bit...
  Mike (as Rose): I was a pudgy teen then. Now I'm a stone-cold fox.
• When Rose's granddaughter tries to get her to rest:
  Rose's granddaughter: Come on, Nana...
  Rose: NO!
  Mike (as Rose): You just want to be the only hot chick in the room!
• Tommy: Will you give us a chance to live, ya limey bastard?!
  Bill: Heh, I yelled that outside a closed liquor store before.
• When Lovejoy doesn't allow Jack to attend the mass in first class:
  Mike (as Jack): I hope you get shut out at the valet awards.
• Mike ruining the "I am flying" scene:
  Jack: (singing softly) Come Josephine in my flying machine, going up she goes...
  Mike (as Quint): Oh I love to go swimmin' with bow-legged women and dive between their knees! Arrr!
• Spotting a strange object on one of the lifeboats:
  Bill: Is that a lightsaber next to her head?
  Mike: Yes, Kit Fisto's great-great-great grandfather was on board. Hieronymus Fisto.
  Bill: (skeptically) Hieronymus...
  Mike: Fisto, yes. Hieronymus Fisto.
• When Cal shows Rose the diamond necklace:
  Cal: And they called it Le Coeur de la Mer.
  Cal & Rose: (together) The heart of the ocean.
  Mike (as Cal): Originally it was called Le Poulet de la Mer, or Chicken of the Sea.
• Toward the end, as 1997 Rose finishes her story to Lovett and company:
  Mike (as Rose): ...and that's the story of how Deputy Dawg saved Christmas. I mean, of the Titanic.
• Kevin's Shane MacGowan impression, found at 5:34 here.
• When Rose tells Cal off:
  Rose: I'd rather be his whore than your wife.
  Mike (as Rose): So, take that—wait, I just called myself a whore, didn't I?
  Cal: No! No! I said no!
  Kevin (as Cal): I'm going to be his whore!
• "Set this bad boy to 4:20 just in case a pothead leads the salvage expedition."
• "One of the dead bodies is whistling! Let's get outta here!"

Troll 2

Troll 2

• "Drew has broken free! He's trying to flee the set!"
• This exchange:
  Sheriff: I'm Sheriff Gene Freak.
  Mike (busting up laughing): ARE you, now?
• At the beginning of the movie:
  Grampa Seth: Goblins still exist!
  Rich Kyanka: I fought them in World War 2 just yesterday!
• "Uwe Boll presents 'Uwe Boll's Donkey Kong'!"

The Wicker Man (2006)

The Wicker Man (2006)

• The infamous bike scene:
  Edward: Get off the bike.
  Mike (as Sister Rose): It's a girl's bike.
  Edward: Get off the bike!
  Kevin (as Sister Rose): I said, "it's a girl's bike."
  Edward: (pulls out his gun) STEP AWAY... FROM THE BIKE.
  Mike (as Sister Rose): Fine, if you want to look like an idiot on a girl's bike.
• And school girls' Straw Feminist rant.
• Pretty much every time the ridiculously masculine Sister Beech is on screen, expect to crack up like a lunatic. She's obviously their favorite thing about the movie.
  • For instance, after Edward knocks her out with a single punch:
    Kevin: Well, the 'never strike a woman' rule is still intact, it being Sister Beech and all
  • Later on, when Mike mistakes her for Kevin James.
• "When I think of getting jumped by Leelee Sobieski, it's a little different."
• "Academy Award winner Ellen Burstyn, folks! Looking like a cross between Mother Nature and Braveheart."
• "Sport coat and slacks!
• The guys get mileage out of Kate Beahan’s stuttering performance by uttering things that make her into a full-blown Cloud Cuckoolander.

  (While speaking with Willow near the crypt)
  Edward Malus: It's a new lock.
  Kevin (as Willow): Locks are... strange... unlike mittens... which are not square, are you an onion?
  -

  Mike (as Willow): I like pottery, does your hair whisper to you?
  -

  Kevin (as Willow): What time are grapes? Can I have your earlobes?
  -

  Mike (as Willow): How old are bears?
  -

  Mike: I'd love to know how these two originally got together. Did he find her wandering through the produce aisle trying to force an acorn squash into her left ear?
  Kevin: Yeah! Then he asked her, "Do you need help with something?" And she looked at him with those big liquid eyes and said, "Whaaaa?" And that was it, they just fell hopelessly in love.
  Mike: And stayed in love, even through that time when she got her head caught in the sewer grate.
  Kevin: It's a beautiful story.

Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory

Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory

• The intro includes a fantastic Shout-Out: Disembaudio challenging guest-riffer Neil Patrick Harris to a Slap Bet.
• "Nintendo Sixty FOUUUU-I mean a Golden Ticket! Yippie!"
• Chemistry class:
  Mike: Neil, can I ask you to go ahead and mix together some of my special chemicals I brought into the studio today?
  Neil: Of course, Mike. I see no reason whatsoever not to mix together whatever chemicals I'm handed at any given time.
  Mike: That's what I like to hear.
  (BOOOOOOM!)
  Disembaudio: Mike, you've blown up stage, screen and television actor Neil Patrick Harris!
  Mike: No!!!!!!
• When the news reports that two of the five tickets have been found:
  Reporter: Whatever corner of the globe we're in, which ever of the five continents we're on...
  Neil: So they go nuts for Wonka Bars even in grim, socialist, dystopian societies?
  Disembaudio: Oh? Is this set in France?
  Mike: Disembaudio~ once again coming out of nowhere to spank the French!
• "Mom saw a dull flicker of hope and snuffed it out right at the source. Way to go, mom."
• Math class.
  Mr. Turkentine: Today, we're going to learn...(draws a circle on the black board)
  Mike: ...Hangman!
  Mr. Turkentine: ...about percentages. (talks for a while — shot of the class groaning)
  Mike: (imitating children's voice) THIS IS HISTORY CLASS!
• "Where have I seen that deluded look of hope before—oh, yeah! A craps table at 4:00 am!
• When Charlie and his grandfather pine over a Wonka bar that may or may not have the Golden Ticket inside:
  Mike: Neil, I don't want to know what happens next, but just tell me this...are dreams crushed?
  Neil: Obliterated. Not an atom of hope or joy anywhere to be found.
• Grandpa Joe finds that he is able to walk again:
  Neil (as Joe): ...And it's off to the brothel!
• Just before they enter:
  Mike: Joe's pointing out all the people that couldn't vote the last time he was out of bed.
  Veruca Salt: I want to go in first, before anyone else!
  Mr. Salt: Anything you say, sweetheart.
  Neil: I can't believe I forgot mah bloody flask.
• In the very tiny room, just before the factory itself:
  Mr. Salt: You're a bleedin' nut, Wonka! No one can get through there!
  Neil: Sam-B would have to a~gree!
  *SLAP*
  Neil: Ugh!
  Mike: Disembaudio! You just slapped Neil Patrick Harris!
  Disembaudio: Hey, I just did what we were both thinking. I keeps it real, Neil!
  Neil: Ouch. Yes, I get it—very real.
• When Wonka sings for the first time:
  Mike: Hey, I wore nearly that identical outfit to prom.
  (Beat)
  Neil: ...wow.
  Mike: Now that I think about it, though, my tie wasn't nearly that subdued.
• When the kids are licking the walls:
  Veruca: Snozzberries? Who ever heard of a snozzberry?
  Mike (as Wonka): (turns Salt's head toward him) Look, Salt, I swear to god, I will cut you!
• When Wonka starts shouting during the Creepy Tunnel Scene from Hell:
  Neil: And if you're ready Mike, may I offer you a wide-awake nightmare?
  Mike: Why...yes!
  Neil: I don't mind if you do!
• Neil: This is for all the eight-year-olds who dropped blotter acid before going to see the film.
  Mike: Salvador Dali took one look at this scene and said, "Hey, man! This is too weird even for me!"
• Neil: Yes, kids love candy, whimsical characters... and... (cue the chicken beheading) animal slaughter.
• Wonka: (singing) There's no earthly way of knowing....which direction we are going...
  Mike: You know what would be funny — if you were an airline pilot and get on the intercom and do this exact thing.
  Neil: This is what I imagine it's like to spend time with Tim Burton.
• Wonka: Not a spec of light is showing, so the danger must be growing.
  Mike: He's either insane, or he pounded a couple of Rockstar energy drinks, forgetting that he'd already had a bowl of chocolate-covered espresso beans for lunch.
• After drinking the special soda:
  Mike: You think this is a metaphor? You know, for...getting high?
  Neil: ..."metaphor"? Heck, no! I think they were high when they filmed this! And when they wrote it, filmed it, screened it, ate lunch, slept, took showers. There was more THC passing through that movie set than through the whole Burning Man festival.
• During Veruca's "I Want It Now" song:
  Mike: Neil, do you ever do this on the set of How I Met Your Mother? Just dance around, singing a song of your contractual demands?
  Neil: Yeah. Just the other day I knocked em' dead with a five minute show-tune about the kind of cold-cuts I demanded to have in my trailer. Standing-O, my friend. (as Veruca Salt trashes the room) Gosh, I didn't do this exactly; during my dance break, I ran around punching crew guys and lighting small fires.
  • Then Mike talks about how if he had to do a musical number he probably wouldn't be able to come up with anything too flashy.
    Mike: You know, if I were gonna sing a big production number on what I want, I'm not sure if I could come up with anything too flashy. (singing) I want a sandwich, a nicely prepared ham sandwich! If you could put a pickle on the side I'd really appreciate it, but don't go through any trouble. (speaking) You know, that sort of thing.
    Neil: That's nice. I—
    Mike: (continues singing) I'd like some tube socks! Some good fitting tube socks! Socks that are reasonable priced with good elastic! Socks that don't have a thick seam where my toes are!
    Neil: Wonderful, just one small request: Please never sing again.
    Mike: (Beat) Request granted.
    Neil: Thank you.
• "A stiff thumbs-up shows the kids today you're 'down' with the 'music' and the 'scene' and the 'Pogs'."
• The confusion over which country the movie takes place in, including "Maybe it's set before the American Revolution" and "Hope he doesn't get mugged on the mean streets of Englameripoland."
• During "Pure Imagination":
  Wonka: If you want to view paradise...
  Neil: (finishing the lyric) Simply watch another movie!

The Wizard of Oz

The Wizard of Oz

• Bill gets in a good zinger on what's probably the most referenced line in anything ever:
  Dorothy: "Toto... I have a feeling we're Not in Kansas Anymore."
  Bill: "May I and literally everyone else for the rest of time quote you on that?"
• During the Lollipop Guild scene:
  Kevin: Aah! It's like some sick experiment cross-breeding Charlie Brown and Popeye!
• And during the "Ding-Dong The Witch is Dead" scene:
  Mike: Aw, cutest blitzkrieg ever.
• At the entrance to the Emerald City.
  Dorothy, Scarecrow, Tin Man, Cowardly Lion: (in unision) Bell out of order. Please knock.
  Mike, Kevin, and Bill: (in unison) Reading in unison is a capital offense.
• During the "Lions, and Tigers and Bears, oh my!" scene:
  Bill: Juggalos and Bronies and Twihards, oh my!
• As the Tin Man rusts in the poppy field, Bill responds in a overly sneering tone that tin does not rust. (Which is true; tins cans do rust but are mixed with iron.)
• When the Wizard tells Dorothy about himself.
  Oz: I'm an old Kansas man myself!
  Mike: Just like you, I'm an old Kansas man.
• During the Cowardly Lion's debut, as he challenges the others to fight him:
  Lion: I'll fight ya with one paw behind my back! I'll fight ya on one leg! I'll fight ya with my eyes closed!
  Kevin (as the Lion): I'll fight ya while suffering from feline diabetes, which I have!
• Every time the riffers add or alter song lyrics. Every time.
  Kevin: We don't work, we just play, and we can do this because
  We still believe in slavery
  With a ho ho ho and a ha ha ha!
  In the merry old land of Oz!
• When Glinda returns at the end:
  Bill (as Glinda): The Wizard got sucked into a jet engine. I call the shots now.
• After Dorothy is captured by the Wicked Witch:
  Dorothy: Oh, please give me back my dog!
  Bill: No, no, it's more like, "GIVE ME BACK MY DOG!"
• Their shock at the fact that during he scene of our heroes heading to the wicked witch's castle, the scarecrow is shown carrying a gun.
  • Which leads to a Why Don't You Just Shoot Him? moment when the Flying Monkeys attack.
• When the group tries to get Oz to grant their request, where the hologram has a lot of fire surrounding it:
  Oz Hologram: But first, you must prove yourselves worthy... by performing a VERY SMALL TASK.
  Mike (as Oz): Put out these fires!
• They make a lot of jokes at the Munchkin Lollipop Guild, which ultimately leads to, after Dorothy and the others kill the Wicked Witch and acquire her broom to present to Oz...
  Mike (as Oz): Uh, go kill the Lollipop Guild, too!
• When the heroes get to the field of poppies, the three make the obvious joke.
  Mike: Wow, that is a lot of poppies.
  Bill: Yeah, that's not Oz, it's Afghanistan.
  Mike: Now I understand why the Wizard's so powerful.

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