Funny: Rifftrax Feature Films
Funny moments from the RiffTrax of standalone feature films. (NOTE: funny moments from entries in popular film franchises go on this page. If you're adding a riff from a film not listed below, be sure to check whether or not it is listed under "Film Franchises".)
Mp3 Commentaries:Video On Demand Riffs
open/close all foldersReleased as both an Mp3 and VOD:
Birdemic: Shock and Terror
- The guys start noticing a similar similarity between Birdemic and a certain other film.
Bill: (as Tommy Wiseau) Oh, hi, poorly made cult film directed by an immigrant with a funny accent that's trying to horn in on my business!
Mike: (as Tommy Wiseau) Oh, hello darkness my old friend. Hahahaha!
- The spontaneous, ahem, "forest fire":
Kevin: Help, it's a strangely localized forest fire!Bill: With small pinpoint blazes that are not spreading in the least! Help!Mike: And which are handily contained to tiny patches off the road itself making safe passage quite easy! Help!(later)Kevin: It's not a forest fire. It's a bunch of Buddhist monk chipmunks doing a simultaneous self-immolation to protest!Bill: To protest global warming?Kevin: No, this movie!
- Bill: Sadly, that night the only inconvenient truth was in Rod's pants.
- Mike: Due to the cloudy day, Mass Solar's stock drops 90% and Rod is ousted by the board.
- Bill's Cluster F-Bomb during the credits at the cast, filled with censor bleeps, followed by Mike when Kevin brings up spruce bark beetles.
- During an exceptionally bad bit of Special Effect Failure.
Mike: We're going to make this look good in post(-production) right?
Bill: Hell is post? Keep flailing!
- After an eagle manages to divebomb a filling station.
Mike (as Sam the Eagle): Death to weirdos!Kevin (as another eagle): Sam! Noooooooooo!
- The guys have fun with the "Blind Idiot" Translation script:
Rod: Watch football. Especially the 49ers. Also, part-times Eagles fan.Mike: (as Rod) Hang on. I said "part-times Eagles fan."Kevin: (as movie director) Keep rolling!
Nathalie's Mom: Look, keep me... (stumbles badly on the dialog) uh, er, eh, you... know, keep me informed.Kevin: (as Mom) I screwed up a line.Bill: (as movie director) Keep rolling.Kevin: (as Mom) But it was really bad!Bill: (as movie director) KEEP rolling!
Rod: You're right, he is cute. So, you're a cats lover.Bill: (as Rod) Hold on. I said "cats lover".Kevin: (as movie director) Keep rolling!
- In one particularly bad example of Nyugen refusing to ever do a second take:
- When Rod and Nathalie visit her mom:
Mike (as Rod): So is there anything I should know about your mom? Anything ridiculously unexpected that might catch me off guard?(Rod rings on the doorbell.)Bill (as Jabba the Hutt): Salacious, can you get that?Kevin: (laughs crazily like Salicious Crumb)
- Soon followed up with Mike speaking for the mom and saying, "I just finished encasing a bounty hunter in carbonite."
- One word: "Slrpnls." Nobody knows just what a slrpnl is.note
Executive: Is there a patent?Rod: Yes; Mass Solar owns the patent to this technology.Kevin: And, what are you calling them again?Mike: Solarpanels.Kevin: I'm...not...?Mike: Solarpanels.Kevin: What are you—Mike: Solarpanels!Kevin: Perhaps if you slowed down—Mike: Slowdownsoalrpnels?
- The crew's reaction to Rod's....truthfulness.
Ramsey: Where's Becky?Rod: She's taking a sh*t.Mike: (bemused) He really said that, didn't he?
- The crew repeatedly exclaiming "SHOCK! And TERROR!" at slow scenes in the movie (which is often)
- After the first bird attack:
Nathalie: Why would birds do something like that? I mean, why would they just attack?
- As the "heroes" constantly miss the birds with their automatic weapons.
Kevin: Wow, they're terrible at this. I'm surprised a dog hasn't popped up and sniggered at them. (hee hee hee)
- Then there's these references to other Rifftrax movies:
Kevin: Okay if this pans across Golden Gate Bridge, I'm leaving.
- Later, while Rod and company wander through the woods:
Kevin: Okay, if we start seeing Thumbelina, I'm leaving.
- Later, while Rod and company wander through the woods:
- This exchange:
Mike: (nearly guffawing) Sincere expression of remorse! "I didn't do anything!"Bill: (mock wangst) "Mistakes were made!"
- On an over-long restaurant scene:
Mike: I think they hired James Nyugen to make a local ad for their restaurant and he just went way way over budget.Kevin: Sadly, no he didn't.
- On a very oddly-carved giant pumpkin:
Bill: Evil Teddy Roosevelt, sure.Kevin: Bully!
- At the end, Alan Bagh once again is painfully aware of the camera.
Mike: He's doing his best Frankenstein impression.Bill: (growling) "Fire bad! Stock options good!"
- When the Persian messenger arrives:
Leonidas: What message do you bring?
Persian Messenger: Earth and water.
Leonidas: You rode all the way from Persia for earth and water?
Bill: Well, I lost some of the message along the way...
- When Leonidas dispatches the Persian messenger's party, and decide to run the THIS! IS! SPARTA! gag straight into the ground:
Bill: Well, I certainly think he proved that THIS! IS! SPARTA!
Mike: His kids make fun of him because when he's handing out stuff on the Fourth of July he insists on saying, "THIS! IS! A SPARKLER!"
Kevin: Or when he's giving his car a tune-up, and his kid asks, "Hey, dad? What's that small, white thing with metal at each end?" And he always replies, "THIS! IS! A SPARK PLUG!"
Bill: Or...when he sits down to a meal of juice, toast, milk, and Trix cereal—
Mike: Uh-oh, where's he going with this?
Bill: And he looks at his bowl of Trix and he says, "THIS! IS! 'SPART OF A BALANCED BREAKFAST!!!"
Mike: Wow, you pulled it out! Nicely done!
- Leonidas sitting down next to his son after a sparring session, "Hey, wanna beer, kid?"
Son: Um, Dad, why are you Scottish?
- When Leonidas meets with the Persian messenger:
- "Jog, men! Jog casually into battle! JOG!!!"
- (seeing the Rain of Arrows) "Aw, relax; they're probably not even meant for us..."
- When the 300 are preparing to leave:
- After a shot of the massive Persian fleet:
Mike (as Delios): And so Xerxes and Jimmy Buffett assembled the largest boat-to-boat party in history.
- "Kid, how'd you get so dirty?! You were outside for, like, five minutes!"
- "Uh, I don't like this new 'extreme' image for The Giving Tree —it was fine the way it was."
- "March of the Penguins had less marching!!"
- Leonidas meeting Xerxes for the first time:
Kevin: (as Xerxes puts his hands on Leonidas's shoulders) Mmmm...you're so tense...Xerxes: It's not the lash they fear...Mike: Oh, no...it's turning into one of these... (all three start imitating porno music)
- And later in that scene:
- "Muffin out your chests, men!"
- "Alright, men, ready your six-packs! And if you haven't done so already, oil up those pecs!"
- (imitating Roger Rabbit) "Ahem. Attention, Spartans!"
- When the messenger tells the Spartans to lay down their spears.
Bill: Hey guys we took a vote, and we decided to lay down uh, one spear. *cue messenger being impaled and thrown to the ground by a single thrown spear*
- During one of the many battle scenes:
Delios: We did what we were trained to do, what we were bred to do, what we were born to do.
Bill: What we were cast, costumed, and choreographed to do.
Mike: What we were blue-screened and digitized to do.
Bill: What we were shaved to do.
- And in another battle:
Kevin: Okay, so they're really pre-ninja ninjas.Mike: In pre-kabuki kabuki masks.Bill: And using pre-samurai samurai swords.
- When they start throwing bombs at the Spartans:
Delios: (narrating) When muscle failed, they turned to their magic...Bill: To their Ku Klux Pimps!
- "Alright, we're finally here. The movie has finally taken us quite literally to hell."
Mike: Ladies and gentlemen, this has been The Importance of Being Earnest.
- When the evil senator essentially rapes Queen Gorgo:
Disembaudio: Hey, guys, baked you some snickerdoodles—Goo-ood Lord! WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?!?!Mike: No-no, no, Dis, it's—Disembaudio: Is this the kind of filth you put on when I leave the room?!?! FOR SHAME!!!Kevin: No, but Disembaudio, it's —Disembaudio: No! No!!!! NO!!!
- "Kneel before the soundtrack!! SUBMIT TO IT!!!!!"
- The Immortals approach.
Delios: The deadliest fighting force in all of Asia....
Kevin: The Russian vollyball team?
Delios: "They have served the dark will of Persian kings for five-hundred years..."Bill: "They deserve a raise!"
- Also referring to the Immortals:
Mike: "Or, as they're now known, 'the Incredibly, Perhaps Even Extra Mortals.'"
- And once the battle starts:
- During Xerxes' rebuttal to Leonidas turning down his offer to submit to Persia's will:
Mike: HAM ALERT! HAM ALERT!!! (imitates klaxon)
- Right before all the Spartans get killed:
Delios: (narrating) [Leonidas's] roar is loud and long...Mike: His teeth are bleached and capped...
- After Leonidas throws his spear at Xerxes
Kevin: But Xerxes is usually glad to see a spear headed into him...
(The spear clips his face, making him bleed, and sticking in the back of his throne)
Bill: (as Xerxes covers his face) How tacky!
- The Slo-mostrians are coming!
- Leonidas: Spartans! What is your profession?!
Spartans: HA-OOH! HA-OOH! HA-OOH!
Mike: And I'm a flower arranger!
- "Remember, only you can prevent sickly babies from diluting the strength of our race! Freeedooom!"
- The guys have a lot of fun with the Ephors and how utterly revolting they are. Such as when Leonidas reaches the Ephors' hangout:
Lead Ephor: Welcome Leonidas. We have been expecting you.
Bill: (as lead ephor) But since your late, your bewl of puss is cold!
- Every time they remember the fact the Queen's name is Gorgo.
"Ah, my beautiful and delicate wife, GORGO"
- The entirety of their mocking of the obnoxious narrator.
Bill: Ok lets get ahead of this, "His cape is scratchy, his sandals are itchy, his beard is smelly, and his warrior panties are crunchy"
- During the "His shield/helmet is heavy/stifling" scene:
Mike: "His spear is... uh... pointy. Sharp kinda... at the end..."
- Upon seeing Ephialtes ridiculous persian uniform:
Mike: I WANT A BETTER UNIFORM!
- This great jab at social media (though now it would surely be Facebook):
Ephialtes: I want it all: wealth, women—Bill as Ephialtes: my own Myspace page, with lots of quote-unquote friends!
Grace: Who'd you expect, numb nuts?
Bill: Thoughtful nickname for a guy who is crippled from the waist down.
Bill: Thoughtful nickname for a guy who is crippled from the waist down.
- The scene where Jack tries to keep the doglike creatures away with a torch.
Mike: This how it is going to feel like for anyone who dresses as a sexy Na'Vi at Comic-Con this year.Kevin: Hey, now! Don't try to talk me out of it!Bill: Gungan! Kill it!Kevin: Meesa... senet... tar...Bill (whisper): Kill it more!
- During the destruction of the Home Tree
Soldier: Yee-ha, baby! Get some!Bill: Did I just tell a tree to get some? Man, I need shore leave.
- Jack: Look where we are, Grace.
Mike: In a nice, clean hospital with a crack surgical team? Oh, I guess this is good too.
- Bill: Come my peaceful brethren, LET'S KILL THEM ALL!
- Kevin: Look at this stuff, Isn't it neat? Wish that my junk was as big as my feet. Doctor Manhattan's got nothing on me in PANDORA!
- Mike's "Robot Knife Fight" song.
- After the final duel between Quaritch and Jake, Jake is back in his human body and struggling to grab a breath mask:
Mike: Yeah, it kept falling out so somebody stapled the emergency mask into the case...
- Neytiri, after she meets Jake: You are like a baby! Always making noise, don't know what to do.
Bill: Poopin in da Huggies, eatin da strained peas!Kevin: Listening to Raffi and watchin da Max and Ruby!
- The very last joke: "Morning wood!"
- After the failed ritual to transfer Grace into her Avatar:
Moat: Her wounds were too great. It was not enough time.Kevin: Also our religion is bullshit.
- The 'Informer's rendition was short but hilarious.
- After Jake prays to the Great Mother for aid.
Neytiri: The Great Mother does not take sides.Mike (as Neytiri): -she's an amoral psychopath.
- Kevin: 6-legged, anteater horses.
Mike: George Lucas slowly nods his silent approval.
- Probably the most involved Kansas City Royals joke in Rifftrax history while Jake fights the six-legged dogs:
Kevin: A desperate man in blue, confused and frail, lacking necessary skill and training, called up to the big leagues before he was ready, swinging wildly at his more powerful opponent, a single disinterested spectator idly looking on from a distance... eerily reminiscent of a Kansas City Royals game.Bill: Wow.Mike: I believe you covered three entire city blocks before you got to that one.Kevin: I try.
- Any reference to Quaritch's supreme Bad Ass-itude.
Quaritch: Oh, yeah. "Breathing". I suppose some of you pussies need to do that...
- Speaking of the six-legged dogs: "I've heard those things play a very large part in Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2. Yeah, the series takes a bit of a dark turn."
- Bill (as Tommy Wiseau): Oh hi, science.
Bill (as Tommy Wiseau): Oh hi, James.
- On the design of the Hometree:
- When Neytiri brings Jake to the Tree of Voices and tells him he can hear the ancestors of the Na'vi
Jake: I can hear them!Mike: Even in death, your people are annoying and self-righteous.
- The Amway sketch, which takes place when Jake is being chased by a thanator.
- During the Opening Scroll:pen
Bill: Psssh. 3000. What has the year 3000 ever done for us?
- "I used to like the color blue. Now it's dead to me. Cram it, Smurfs. Piss off, ocean. Screw you, sky."
- During the final air battle:
Mike: So...these jets were all fueled, and tuned up, and ready to go after A THOUSAND YEARS?!
Kevin: Yes, Mike.
Mike: And a bunch of knuckle-dragging cave dwellers with spears took a break from picking nits off each other and eating them for a few days and taught themselves to become top-level fighter pilots?
Bill: Yes, Mike.
Mike: And that, somehow, these exact same weapons - well maintained and on alert, mind you - did NOT save the human race from the aliens one thousand years ago, when the humans who actually MADE these weapons were alive? You know, the humans that did NOT wear goat skins, and sacrifice goats, and smell like goats, and marry goats?
Kevin: Yes, Mike.
Mike: And is there any reason that I should not dedicate my LIFE to building a time machine, so that I can eventually travel back to the set of Saturday Night Fever and infuse the heels of [John] Travolta's disco shoes with nitro glycerin, so that he is eliminated from history and this movie NEVER GETS MADE?!?!
Bill: Um...no, Mike. Go nuts. (Beat)...I think you just did.
- And soon after that fight...
- "You know, this movie seems kind of silly."
- Their reaction to Terl's infamous scenery chewing.
Terl: While you were still learning how to SPELL YOUR NAME…
(the guys start cracking up)
Terl: I was being trained to CONQUER GALAXIES!
Bill: Wow, you're really going to go with that performance huh?
- This exchange:
Kevin: So, our story so far: Aliens from some death metal planet conquered the Earth then enslaved mankind for a thousand years.
Kevin: Then they sent Travolta, who's going to whiz the entire planet down his leg in a few short days.
Bill: Right again.
Kevin: And somehow this movie is supposed to make us feel good about Scientology?
Mike: Yeah, I think in the same way Birth of a Nation endeared us all to the Klan.
- After the final battle, John looks over wreckage while covered in filth
Mike: LOOK AT WHAT WE'VE WON! ISN'T IT GLORIOUS?
- The harp-playing scene in the mead hall, where the crew proceeds to interject "What If Thor Was One of Us" and "Shorty Got Low" into the song.
- During the battle with Grendel:
- Here, we can follow along in the Old English text: Den punched he, nakede Beowulf, in Grendel on de noggin. Den flipped him doen Gymkata dismounten causen Grendel his assen be roasted en his bippies in der pit smoken.
Wow, that is an extremely faithful telling.
Oh, you're bettin' your meatballs.
- (upon Beowulf stabbing his way out of the eye of the Kraken/Loch Ness Monster/what have you and yelling his name as a war cry:)
Mike: Guys, If I ever burst out of the eye of a giant sea creature, I promise I'll have something better to yell than "MIIIIIIIIIIIKE!"
- (during a massively long zoom-out from the camera):
Mike: We interrupt our movie briefly to give you a ride on a skilift.
- Anything and everything pertaining to John Malkovich. Example:
Mike: (upon seeing Malkovich) GAH! A creepy, hollow-eyed John Malkovich!...In other words, John Malkovich.
- And later, after Grendel has attacked, something rises from the water:
Kevin: GAH! A hideous sea creature!
Mike: No no no no, it's just John Malkovich.
Kevin and Bill: GAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!
- And later, after Grendel has attacked, something rises from the water:
- In regards to Beowulf's burning pyre boat...thing:
- At the burial of some fellow soldiers:
The Bourne Identity
- After Jason has knocked out two policemen
Bill: Guess I'll have to arrest myself. All right, drop my weapon! I have a right to remain—hey, come back here, me! STOP ME!
- "I hope there's a can on this floor. I've got more gas than the Homer Simpson balloon."
- "Well, apparently I'm a Euro-dick who's too good to answer my own door!"
- When Castel jumps out of the apartment window
Bill: AHA, I've ESCAPED! ...Oh, that was dumb!
- "Eamon's starting to breathe on the windows and write dirty words."
- "Dude, you shot my ween! That's just not cool!"
- "I was LYING about my ween, for you see, I do not have one!"
- Right off the bat:
Narrator: "With the coming of the second world war..."Bill: "Switzerland...did nothing."
- Rick: "Not a bad story..."
Kevin: "But it could use a sparkly vampire."
- During Rick's famous introductory scene:
Bill: Ah, a classic film character is about to be introduced!Kevin: Jar Jar Binks?Bill: Go to so much Hell it's not even funny!(Rick appears, smoking a cigarette)Mike: Hey, don't Bogart that cigarette.Bill: Mike, go join Kevin in Hell!Mike: (Beat) Will do.
- As the plane flies off at the end:
Mike: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Due to weather conditions we're going to have to reroute to Berlin."
- Making a Running Gag of Laszlo being completely oblivious to Rick and Ilsa's previous romance.
- "Welcome back to the finals of Olympic Open Field Tag. Daniel Craig is currently 'It,' but may not be for long."
- The random yet hilarious reaction to seeing Daniel Craig's face in the opening credits.
Mike: A GUINEA FOWL! Oh wait, it's just Daniel Craig.
- "Oh, I get it now. This guy is the missing Mario Brother." "Either that or he's the original Prince of Persia."
- BOND SMASH!
- ENGLISH GUY!
- "The English Guy doesn't so much leap as he plummet."
- "Spies have been reduced to stealing ringtones for Eastern Bloc countries. A clean Schnappi can bring as much as $3 on the black market."
Kevin: (as Bond) Ha! Now I get his toaster strudel!
- After Bond steals a bad guy's backpack and starts rifling through it:
- "Finally, he's got some time for Second Life—he can get back to being a foxy blue-skinned woman with green hair."
- "I'm Rube Cardsuck, this is Patsy McMoneygone, and Mr. E. Z. Mark."
- "Setting off the sprinklers is a very serious offense. If convicted, you're forced to fly Northwest."
- "So these are the people behind-the-scenes at the airport making sure your flight is delayed, your luggage is lost, and that the restaurants are always closed when you're hungry."
- When Skyfleet's "World's Largest Airliner" is unveiled:
Mike: And of course, this is the day the President is scheduled to go up in the all-new space shuttle—
Kevin: With all the other leaders of the free world—
Mike: Of course. And 300 orphaned children from Kosovo—
Kevin: And Oprah Winfrey!
Mike: Sure, throw in Oprah Winfrey!
- Mike and Kevin's bantering impressions of air traffic controllers.
- When the police show up late to the airport chase scene, "Sorry! We went to the wrong airport. We should be there inside 30 minutes tops!"
- Kevin singing the James Bond theme and segueing into the Indiana Jones theme as Bond punches out an evil truck driver during the airport chase scene.
- (As Bond looks at his tuxedo'd self in a mirror) "Yeah! My God, I'm hot! This tuxedo would look best on the floor! ...Seriously, though, I'd do me in a heartbeat."
- Mike and Kevin's impressions of a guy who doesn't understand poker and a frustrated croupier, respectively:
Mike: "Hit me!Kevin: "Sir, you can't do that!"Mike: "Double down!"Kevin: "Sir, that's Blackjack!"Mike: "Bicycle!"Kevin: "Sir, now you're just reading the back of the cards!"
- "Mr. Bond, I have a message for you from a Mr. Le Chiffre. It reads, 'Mr. Bond, your missing $10 million dollars has been found, quote: "somewhere in my huge pile of money" and you can pick it up at "my butt." Burn, burn, ROFTLMAO, pwned, love, Le Chiffre.' You know, I really should look these things over before I read them over the intercom."
Vesper (whispering): You can have me anywhere.
Mike (as Bond, rather gleefully): Really, like on a bakery counter? Or onstage at a political rally?
- "It's been six minutes and we haven't done it—I wonder if he's impotent..."
- "The people of Venice know about land, right? And how it makes an excellent foundation for buildings?"
- During the climactic scene where Vesper drowns:
Clash of the Titans
- This scene near the beginning
Spyros: Something is not right.Bill: Yeah, your family has three different accents.
- ANCIENT MALIBU!
- "Up is pretty!"
- Bill: (Of Perseus's tunic) That little girl's dress was longer than his!
Hades: Argos will be swept from the earth, and all of you with it.Mike (as Hades): Don't leave town or anything, that would be cheating.
- If you know Greek mythology, this bit is hysterical.
Zeus: He's no different than any of the others that have turned their backs on us.Kevin (as Zeus): How many rapes does a guy have to commit before he gets some respect?
- When Perseus is denying that Zeus is his father
Perseus: My father was killed by a god.Mike: The god of falling asleep drunk on railroad tracks.
- Kevin: And to Zeus, "NOOOO!" means "YEEESSS!"
- Bill: (when the Kraken takes literally several minutes to fully surface) STILL surfacing? Try to get all the way out before the birth of Christ, okay?
- Oh hai Hades!!
- When Perseus finds the sword:
Mike: Sweet, free glowy thing.
- When Jason and the Argonauts are getting ready to leave
Man: Good news!Bill: Professor Farnsworth?
- As Andromeda watches the Krakken emerge:
- Our first introduction to the monster:
Mike: You're about an hour late, monster.
Kevin: We're only 18 minutes in, Mike.
Mike: I stand by my statement.
- When the citizens take pictures of the fallen head of the Statue of Liberty:
Kevin: Ms. Liberty! Over here, Ms Liberty!Mike: Ms. Liberty, is it true you're parting with Mickey Rourke?
- "Then again, the upside to destroying New York...no more David Blaine."
- "Wow, you're right! Destroy away, monster! Look for a smug guy with a deck of cards."
- While the protagonists are running to the subway station:
Mike: Oh, zoinks! Let's get out of here, Scooby!
- As the protagonists venture into a wrecked building to find their friend:
Mike: The Kool-Aid man did this. I'd recognize his work anywhere.Bill (as Kool-Aid man): OH YEEAAAH!!
- "My name is Robert Hawkins..."
* In unison* "His name is Robert Hawkins!"
- The camera is focused on a set of TVs in a radio store, with one of them playing an episode of Spongebob Squarepants
Bill: Ladies and gentlemen, this just in: Sandy Cheeks is dead!
- A panicky Beth calls Rob
Beth: Rob? Rob!Kevin (as Beth): Rob, I'm at the after party and I don't know anybody here!
D-War: Dragon Wars
- In the very beginning;
Narrator: Every five hundred years, a young woman is born.Mike: Sometimes even more frequently than that!
- After the young boy is left alone with the old man and he starts walking towards him;
Mike: (as kid) Oh boy, special page in the yearbook, here I come.
- After a bit of exposition:
Boy: What are you talking about?Mike: (With straightforward sincerity) Thank you.
Korean Leader: What are you talking about?Mike: Again, thank you.Kevin: It's telling that he's the second character to ask that and we're *not even ten minutes in!*
- Less than five minutes later:
- When Mike impersonates Al Pacino near the end.
- Kevin's summation of the ending:
Kevin: "Okay, so; our heroine: dead. Los Angeles: devastated. Our hero: left to die without food or water in some sort of forgotten realm.Bill: "What about Bruce?"Kevin: "I'm sure Bruce is fine, Bill."
- Two of the film's more extreme plot-holes - the endless running away from the dragon and the way the characters appear in some kind of fantasy realm with no explanation whatsoever - collide, nearly driving Mike over the edge:
Hero: "Come on, let's get out of here."Mike: "WHERE IN GOD'S NAME DO YOU SUGGEST WE GO?!"
- "I would seek justice, one way or another. I would become Batman! Until some rich idiot in Gotham city sued me for naming rights..."
- "I'm gonna get so, so naked, and then I'm gonna sit my fat bubbly ass right on Affleck's head!"
- All of the jokes pertaining to Ben Affleck being Matt Damon's best friend.
- Whenever Kevin tries to shoehorn in any "Daredevil" jokes.
- "What the hell are you doing? Get it?"
- "Being blind, physics no longer apply to me!"
- After Bullseye gets both of his hands shot;
Mike: (in phony Irish accent) They got me drinking hand and me drinking hand!
- After Kingpin reveals that he is from the Bronx
Mike: (mimicking Michael Clarke Duncan's gravely voice) Don't be fooled by the rocks I got, I'm still Michael from the block.
- "This man needs a rabbi!"
Drag Me To Hell
- "Stop playing Wii Voodoo and help my son!"
- This hilarious scene occurs during the credits.
Bill: Tommy Wiseau!Mike (In Wiseau's accent): Oh hai hell! Hahaha...
- There's another The Room reference as Christine and Clay are in the fortune teller's office.
- "Clay, you always play psychologist with us! Hahahah..."
- "Ga-gal-ba-tor-ix? Did George Lucas guest-name that character?"
- "E-ragon. The online Ragon merchant that you can trust!"
- In the beginning, when Ayra is magically transporting Saphira's egg.
Kevin: Melon?The egg vanishes in a burst of lightKevin: Magic melon!
- The Riffers constantly pointing out how Eragon's family members are never introduced properly.
Roran: Hail Eragon, the mighty hunter!Mike: Hail sweaty guy who kinda looks like me.
Kevin: So, why does he feel the need to keep this from his wrestling parter and Hat Guy. You know, the one with the hat?Mike: Well, clearly because that's a blue thing. It's blue.Kevin: Ahh, right, of course.
- Culminating in:
As Roran leaves the farmMike: Goodbye, brother-cousin-friend-fellow-farmhand.
- "Ah Jeremy Irons. The guy you call when you think, 'How can I make my movie a lot creepier?'"
- The Riffers giving baby Saphira the voice of an alcoholic.
- "It's dry over here in the next scene!"
- Mike lets Disembaudio take over for the credits.
- Over a shot of a medieval village
Kevin: HUZZAH! Welcome one and all, to the Renaissance Festival!Kevin: I don't know, HUZZAH!
- After the third fake ending:
Mike: Come on, throw one more random image at us- we can take it!
- Kevin singing "The Hills are Alive" during a sweeping shot of Scenery Porn.
- The numerous references to how the movie is just Star Wars meets The Lord of the Rings.
Fast and Furious 2009
- Right off the bat, the reaction to the "Original Film" card
Mike: "Original Film", a division of "Bitterly Ironic Studio Names, Inc."Kevin: Yes, Original Film presents the third sequel in under a decade to a movie that ripped off its plot from Point Break!
- During the opening scene, the mini-semi flips around and starts driving backwards.
Kevin: Oh, it's Cameron's dad's car from Ferris Bueller, they have to run the miles off before they return it.
- After Dom catches a bullet in his back and barely even flinches
Kevin: Haha! Now you see that your bullets are useless against him!
- "Offer him coupons! Drug lords love coupons!"
- O'Connor gets the name "David Park" out of a low-ranking gang member. One of his fed buddies complains that he could throw a fortune cookie out the window and hit a dozen David Parks. When another agent informs him that "Park" is a Korean name rather than a Chinese one...
Kevin: (as agent) Fine, I'll throw a barbecued dog out the window, ya happy?
- The running gag of Dom thinking 46 is the biggest number there is. One such instance late in the movie:
Dom: You can't buy your way out of this one.Mike: (as Dom) Unless you have 46 dollars.
- A lot of fun is had at the fact that the characters are extremely reliant on GPS to, uh, do anything.
Mike: How did guys even drive before GPS?Kevin: Yeah, it's like they would have had to look ahead of their car to know when a turn is coming up.
- Compos talks about how O'Connor's undercover story involves him having "just got out of County."
Mike: (as Compos) County spelling bee! That was a tough elimination, homes.
- "Bloodthirsty, ruthless... yet pissy."
The Fifth Element
- As the Diva sings:
Mike: The very moment he saw her, Papa Smurf called Lawsuit Smurf, and they sued the living shit out of her.
- When Nick meets Philippe, the French Secret Service agent:
Philippe: I thought you might like to know that your American friends have decided not to look look for the creature's nest.Nick: What? Are you sure? How do you know that?Philippe: We know.Kevin: "Oui no"? That's French for "yes no"; how does that help?
- The entire scene in the beginning where Michael Myers is wandering around the house and Kevin and Mike are playacting as John Carpenter and his wife "Debbie."
- All of the jabs involving how Laurie's friends all seem to dislike her.
- The duo's increasing frustration with Michael as the buildup to the first murder ends up encompassing more than half of the film's runtime.
- [movie opens up with a cloudy sky]
Kevin The Haaaappeniiiiing....Bill: Die die die die d-death death death d-diediediedie!
- [A construction worker has fallen to his death]
Worker: David?Mike: David Blaine? Are we rid of you at last?
- At the construction site
Kevin: It's raining men, hallelujah!
- This Actor Allusion:
John Leguizamo: Wanna come to my mother's for dinner?Bill: We're having ground sloth!
- During the scene at Princeton:
Mike (as Julien): *yawns* Man, so tired. I could just kill myself...
- One of the fellow survivors begins to panic and Julien tries to calm her down with math problems
- Julien: I'm going to tell you a math problem!Mike: Okay, if five people have four bullets...
- One of the fellow survivors begins to panic and Julien tries to calm her down with math problems
- During the lion attack
Kevin: Tis but a scratch!
- The lions become a Running Gag for a moment:
- Mike: Okay, now I just gotta find me some lions. Then I'll finally be on TV like I always wanted.
- The lions become a Running Gag for a moment:
- Mark Wahlberg's character notices a soon revealed to be plastic plant...
Mike: (as plant) Put a piece of glass in your eyyyyye...C'mon. Why aren't you killing yourself? Oh, God, I'm terrible at this!
- One of Rifftrax's many memorable song covers:
Kevin Murphy: (singing) The Summer Wind/Came blowing in/So I killed myself/It lingered there/So I took a hatpin from my hair/And plunged it into my jugular vein... Take it Mike!Mike Nelson: (singing) I sliced my wrists/with some broken glass/And then I blew my head off too/Then I disemboweled myself/And hung myself with my own intestines thanks to the Summer Wind.Bill Corbett: Very nice you guys, maybe a touch dark.Kevin Murphy: Really? Which part?
- "Hawt dogs..."
High School Musical
- The boys singing over the creepy siblings' audition song. Including Short People, the theme to The Facts of Life, Man! I Feel Like a Woman, London Calling, Bad, Bad Leroy Brown, and Suffragette City.
- Kevin deciding that "Get Cha Head In the Game" means "If you want Head, you should get it In The Game."
- Kelsi trips:
Kevin: MY QUIRKINESS!
- A boy does some ballet:
Kevin: SHAME! I wanna look like a douche bag!*CRASH!*Mike: And he was beaten by the Avenue Q puppets.
- Troy's reaction after Gabrielle volunteers to audition, complete with wheezing.
- Stick To The Status Quo
Kevin: The Disney Channel. High schooler's repressed secrets are "I like rap" instead of "Dissecting a fetal pig gave me a boner".Bill: The most kick-ass cello solo that doesn't involve the phrase "Yo-Yo Ma's drunk again."
- Later, after the song.
Chad: Oh let's see, um you miss free period workout yesterday to audition for some heinous musical, and now suddenly people are confessing. Yeah Zeke, Zeke is baking. Crème brûlée.Troy: Oh. What's that?Zeke: Oh, it's a creamy custard-like filling with a caramelized surface, it's really satisfying.Troy: Yeah, cool.Chad: Shut up, Zeke!Bill: Zeke would blind him with his pastry torch the very next day.
- "Look at me, and what do you see?" "On the other hand don't answer that!"
- Later, after the song.
- During Chad's first appearance.
Chad to Troy: Because in two weeks we're going to the championships. With you leading us to infinity and beyond.Bill: And Disney finally sues Disney.
- "Help!" - A message from the film's editor. Poor bastard never had a chance.
- "If Troy can tell his secret, then I can tell mine. I bake... every night, while watching [adult swim]"
- "Gah! A velociraptor!"
- Kevin's addition to Gabriella's song:
Gabriella: Why did I let myself believe/Miracles could happen?Kevin: And miracles, speaking of those/How do magnets function?
- There's a Running Gag where they frequently joke about how Ms. Darbus is actually a man.
- This scene between Gabriella and Taylor
Gabriella: What do you know about Troy Bolton?Mike (as Taylor): That blonde chick with the big eyebrows?
- "His name is Mr. Giggles. He lives inside my head and tells me to set fire to things."
- Bill's Wade the Janitor sketch, which he gets a little too deep into:
Bill: Oh, eat me, Nelson!Mike: Woah! Was that you, or was that Wade the Janitor?Bill: I...I don't know!
- The crew making fun of how the main character's accent sounds like Tommy Wiseau's.
Kevin: Oh hai-lander!
- Once again making fun of Connor MacLeod's accent.
Officer: Where you from?Connor: Lots of different places.Kevin: But mostly Switzer-France!
- After Ramírez tells Connor he can't have children.
Ramírez: (about Heather, Connor's wife) You must leave her, brother.Bill: I'm not banging her brother, I'm banging her!
The Hunger Games
- The numerous references to how much this film resembles Twilight.
Bill (as Katniss): Just meeting Edward Cullen, here.Kevin: Nope, wrong young adult-lit phenom.Bill: But— but— there's no vampires in this?Kevin: Nope.Bill: Werewolves? Surely there's werewolves.Kevin: Nary a one.Bill: Then what the hell is the point?
- As the crowd from the Districts assembles for the Reaping:
Kevin: The grave look of people going to a Nickelback concert.
- As Rue lies dying:
Rue: Can you sing?Mike: (as Katniss) "Shot through the heart/and you're to blame..."Kevin: Bad choice.
- After Primrose is reaped;
Mike: (as Primrose) Screw it, I'll see all you Sarahs Plain and Tall in hell.
- The Stinger after Haymitch Abernathy's "Embrace" speech:
Haymitch: Embrace the probability of your imminent death, and know, in your heart, that there's nothing I can do to save you.Kevin: That's how the hostess greets you at Denny's.
- During the ceremony, once all the tributes are in the circle:
Mike: So, now the Sorting Hat makes out with the Goblet of Fire, right?
- After the ceremony, backstage:
Bill: So can we take off the "X-Men join the Ice-Capades" outfits yet? Or...?
- When Katniss is introduced to the cheering crowd:
Mike: Your death better be entertaining!
- When Effie Trinket is picking the male tribute:
Effie: And now... for the boys.Kevin: Come on, girl, that's your cue to shake what your mama gave ya!
- All of the jokes pertaining to "Peeta" being a mispronunciation of "Peter."
- The scene in the training room with the one tribute hanging from the rafters:
Mike: Gah! Ceiling Cat has assumed human form!
- "Now excuse me, I need to get back to my shift in a freaky Japanese cartoon."
- The return of the Volturi's "Frankenfurtur moans," applied here to the council.
- While Katniss is trudging through the forest:
Kevin (singing): I believe the children are our future...
- As Katniss' group is ganged-up on by another group of other tributes in the clearing:
Bill: I assume the blonde ringleader is a Malfoy of some sort?
- After Katniss points out the improbability of her winning to Gale:
Katniss: There's 24 of us, Gale, only one comes out.Kevin: That's what I scream every time I get on a bus.
- On President Snow, first seen sitting down in a balcony:
Kevin: Well there's Waldorf, where's Statler?
- When Katniss shoots the bag of apples, causing them to tumble out:
Kevin(as an apple): Freedom!Mike (as an apple): I'm gonna compare myself to an orange!Bill (as an apple): I'm gonna stuff a pig in MY mouth!
"Apples. The missionary position of the fruit world."
- And before that:
- As she cuts off the tracker jacker-nest:
Mike: Well gentlemen, I suppose we better...Kevin: Yep, nothing for it...Bill: Agreed guys, okay, on three, one, two, three...All three: NOT THE BEES!!!!!!!
- This moment with Effie Trinket (of which there are many):
Effie: Manners!Bill: Says the woman dressed like Zombie Drag Queen Willy Wonka.
Kevin (as Effie): Ah, hm, let's see... "You look like slutty Mozart." The HELL?
- When we're first introduced to her:
Mike: Albino Prince, ladies and gentlemen.
- As she opens a note and reads it:
- When we're first introduced to her:
- As they're in the train, coming up on the Capitol, in a nice throwback to the Star Wars riffs:
Kevin: It looks like the city where Anakin Skywalker denounced sand!
- The guys singing "I Hope I Get It" as Katniss waits to see the council.
- The entirety of Bill Corbett's rant about Lost.
- As Cobb toasts Fischer Sr:
Cobb: To your father.Mike: And may nobody break up his empire. *exaggerated cough*
- There's a Running Gag with the crew making Titanic jokes
Arthur:(about Mal) What's she doing here?Kevin (as Cobb): ROSE!?'
- There's another running joke where the crew picks on Ellen Page's character Ariadne by mimicking her way of speaking in Juno.
- "Honest to blog?"
- "I hope my teen pregnancy won't be an issue, yo yo yiggidy yo!
- There's an awesome Shout-Out to a certain infamous movie when Fischer puts a gun to his head within the second dream.
- "Everyone betrayed me!"
- During the "to nuke or not to nuke" discussion:
Mike: Yeah, they're pretending that the subject of nuking Americans doesn't come up pretty much every day on Air Force One.
Julius: There was what, in the 1950s, you had the spaceship. The spaceship that you found in New Mexico! Roswell, New Mexico yeah! No, you had the spaceship, and you had the bodies. They were all locked up in a bunker—Area 51!Mike (as Julius): And then you have the Rothschild, and the Build-A-Burgers, and The Illuminati, and the Carlyle Group, and the Project for a New American Century, and the Jews controlling the banks, and AAH, I don't know!
- Then there's Mike basically name-dropping every American Conspiracy Theory ever.
- "Why should I listen to you non-tan little pussies?"
- When Will Smith lands hard with a parachute:
Kevin: [laughs] Nice landing, if you happen to be a bag of gravel.
- Vice President Stringy-haired Rocker Dude.
- "Hey, it's Adam 'No I'm Not A Baldwin Brother' Baldwin!"
- The guys noticing the strange treatment of Belgiums in the movie.
President Whitmore: Today won't just be an American holiday!Mike: It will be Belgium, too!
- "Find out if they got any superpowers in the blast, 'cause that'd be awesome!"
- When the title shows up:
Mike: Finally, the ESPN biopic on Ron Jaworski that I've been clamoring for!
- Kevin's opera note as wrong!shark's mouth is pulled open.
- As the town meets over the recent shark attacks, and Quint scrapes the chalkboard with his nails
Bill: (as Quint) Attention. I dropped a rolo and I can't find it. So if you find a rolo, it's MINE!
- As the Trio are about to set off to hunt the shark, and Brody is kissing his wife:
Quint: Break it up, will ya chief!! Daylight's wastin'!!Kevin: (as Quint) AND YA PROMISED YOU'D SAVE YOUR TENDEREST KISSES FOR ME! YOU BIG GAY YA!
- As the shark pulls Quint under:
Bill: Quint? You okay man?
- The shark bursts through the wall:
- "Thirty-eight colorful and barely coherent Quint stories later..."
- "Day Two; or, as it would come to be known: The day Quint ate Hooper."
- This exchange:
Hooper: I should get out of the shark business and chase my real dream of winning the World's Worst Head-Hair, Facial-Hair Combo Award!
Quint (in the cab of the boat): I'll bet that Hooper kid is anglin' fer my World's Worst Head-Hair, Facial-Hair Combo Award. Be damned if I'm givin' up the throne!
- Quint is being devoured by the shark:
Kevin: Well, at least he didn't suffer.Quint: *screams in pain and coughs up blood*
- The shark pulls away the harpoon Brody was using to stab at it:
"I only wanted it because you wouldn't let me have it."
- "The blood of the one shark would draw dozens more from miles around. Once they feasted on Brody, they assembled like Voltron to create a massive super shark which terroized Amity Island by launching smaller sharks at the citizens with its shark-cannon, which was made of even smaller sharks. It was still far less stupid than anything in Jaws: The Revenge".
- After the shark is blown up;
Brody: Can't wait to rub this in Widow Kintner's face when I show up to collect that award!
- When the Brachiosaur is first seen:
Weird Al: "The utter majesty... Imagine how much dog food you could make with just one!"
- As the Jeep drives to the Visitor Center:
Weird Al: Is that a dinosaur?
Weird Al: Is that a dinosaur?
Weird Al: Is that a dinosaur?
Weird Al: This park sucks....
- "Time to run amok! Where are the Japanese?!
- "I'm a sadistic bastard!"
- "Aah! A human!"
- Our heroes are blocked by a fence that may or may not be electrified:
Weird Al: Timmy, you have a high tolerance for pain...
Mike (as Grant): Uh... take that stupid fence.
- When Grant throws a stick at the fence:
- The Running Gag of Weird Al not being able to tell whether the kid that didn't think that a raptor looked scary was a boy or a girl.
Weird Al: Trying to figure out if you're a boy or a girl...
- "You snot nosed little... boy or girl."
- Grant: You stare at him [a raptor], and he stares right back.
Weird Al (as Sattler): *sighs* At least you can tell what gender they are, honey.
- "His 'boy or girl detector'!"
- Uh, parents, your son or daughter is being traumatized...
- Protect the bones! The fat kid can fend for his or her self!
- Is that kid out there a boy or a girl? We all have questions.
- *sighs in frustration* "BOY OR GIRL!?"
- When Hammond's grandchildren show up:
- After Dr. Grant and the kids first escape from the T-Rex.
Lex: He left us...! HE LEFT US!!
Grant: But that's not... what I'm gonna do.
Mike: I have darker plans for you!
- "Shhhhhh, be vewwy vewwy quiet. I'm hunting waptors"
- *thunder crashes* "PLAY ME WILL YOU?!"
- "Phones are out, too..."
Weird Al (sadly): We're terrible dinosaur park makers...
- When we first meet Hammond:
John Hammond: I can tell instantly about people - it's a gift.Mike Nelson: I go mainly by skin colour!
- Nedry giggles happily as Dodgson gives him a bag full of money:
Weird Al: Poor sap thinks the bag is full of bacon.
- Two park workers are shown, both wearing pink shirts:
Al (as Park worker one): So, as I was saying, Bob, I BOUGHT my pink shirt first!Mike (as Park worker two): Yeah, yeah, but I WORE mine first, Travis!Al (as Park worker one): OOH, if this fence wasn't here—!
- The scene that takes place right after the Brachiosaurus sneezes over Lex.
Timmy: God bless you!Weird Al (as Brachiosaurus): I wish, every time we get up and running, God strikes us down with a meteor!
- Mikel: Did the Ninja Turtles paint those things? They're hideous!
- Hammond: Slow down, slow down. Stop stop stop stop stop stop!
Weird Al (as Hammond): Let's moon the other car!
- The kids pile into the safari cars.
Al: Okay, kids, wave goodbye to your childlike innocence. (as the kids) GOODBYE, CHILDLIKE INNOCENCE, GOODBYE! GOODBYE! G'BYE, G'BYE, G'BYE!!
- When Gennaro gets eaten by a T-Rex on the can.
Weird Al': Now if he (The T-Rex) eats a rabbi, priest, or minister, heh, he'll have all his comedic bases covered.
- When the T-Rex wrecks the bathroom that Gennaro is hiding in.
Weird Al: Ah see, this is why Spielberg is genius: he was first... to blend a lawyer joke with a toilet joke.Mike: So the giant dinosaur park was gonna be a one-holer? That's just more bad planning.
- (mockingly) "He gets to use his accent, and you have to suppress yours! Nya nya nya nya nya nya!"
- (Nedry has crashed into a sign) "Okay, let's see... the sun, which he never sees, rises in the east..."
- This exchange at the mine scene:
Gennaro: The insurance company- (he stumbles and falls down)Mike: (slurring speech) Oops, sorry. I had like, nine beers on the raft.
- Grant and the kids enter the visitor center near the end:
Grant: "Hello?"Mike: "I think we broke your dinosaur park!"
- "You'll find yourself wanting to be quieter in the world's first and only completely silent helicopter."
- During the opening scene:
Mike: (as random gum-chewing park worker) "I shouldn't have majored in sociology."
The Last Airbender
- Just after Sokka pops up, we get this gem:
- Iroh: When you wake we'll have tea together before we start the engines, eh?
Bill: Let's go get something to eat, HUUUUUUH?
Aang: YOU'RE LYING!Bill: (in Tommy Wiseau's accent) I never hit you! You are tearing me apart... I don't know, Harpo?
- Another Room reference occurs soon after the first;
- Kevin: (As Pakku, fending off the Fire Nation with some less than impressive waterbending) Behold the awesome power of my grand-niece's Super Soaker!
- Mike: [as Katara] Just F.Y.I., that big flying panda thing of yours... he drowned.
Bill: [as Aang crying]
Mike: And your flying monkey cat.
Mike: He lived.
Bill: [cries harder] Oh dammit! Dammit!
- [A soldier walks up and whispers to Zhao, played by Aasif Mandvi]
- [When Zuko talks to the boy in the Fire Nation colony]
Zuko: You seem like a smart boy.Bill: I LIKE TURTLES!Kevin: Okay, maybe not...
- Aang: We were forced under the water of the ocean.
Bill: The water of the ocean, much like the air of the sky or the flame of the fire.
- And of course, the obligatory Harpo joke
Mike: Wait, that's... I'm ashamed to know this, but that's the Harpo guy from Twilight isn't he?Kevin: I'm ashamed to confirm, but yes.Mike: Our shame is great.Kevin: Perdurable shame.
- [An old Earth Kingdom man leads Aang to a shed.]
Old Man: These are all tools related to bending.Kevin: Well Harpo's a tool and he's related to a bender.Bill: Lock him in the shed!
- As the boy narrates Zuko's Backstory
Boy: Fire Lord Ozai burned his son, to teach him a lesson.Mike: The lesson: Never put the pizza box in the fridge if there's only one slice left.
- As Admiral Zhao confronts the Blue Spirit:
Zhao: Who are you? Why are you doing this?Bill: (As Zhao) I mean, I know you're a cosplay character from some lame Anime series, but I can't place you.
- As Zhao briefs Ozai on the Avatar's rescue:
Mike: (As Zhao) I don't know where you got that from, sir. Mostly they call him "The Masked Homo".
- [Zuko in the Southern Water tribe]
Zuko: BRING ME ALL YOUR ELDERLY!Mike: I NEED THEIR PREPERATION H FOR MY FACE OWIES!
- Zuko: Don't even try to escape, THIS IS A WARSHIP!- [Aang flips over a table]
Bill (As Zuko): Ah, in hindsight maybe we should have tried something stronger than saying "Don't even try to escape" at least handcuffs! Something!Mike (As Iroh): Hey, don't beat yourself up, you said "Don't even try to escape". Who knew he would try to escape despite your saying that? It's not your fault.Bill:Hmm, thanks man, that really helps.
- "Hello, plot? Motivation? Audience Interest?"
- As Zhao is describing his plans to the king...
Zhao: With this information, we can bring down the water tribe city.(Ozai's actor looks toward the camera)Kevin (as Zhao): King? King, YO! I'm over here king!
- PEBBLE DANCE
- Kevin: Let us never speak of what just happened again.
- A bunch of fire nation soldiers running away
Mike: Those guys aren't running from Aang, they just got accused of eyeing some lady's lemon drink back there.
Kevin: Oh no, it's the wind from The Happening.Mike: What? Ma'am, no, not the wind.
- Several Scenes Later.
- Aang practicing waterbending
- Mike!Aang: Oh great water god Matthew McConaughey, grant that I may remain forever shirtless.Bill (in southern accent): Well, alright....
- Yue doing her thing.
- Bill: Almost as dramatic as the time the earth princess sacrificed her life for the dead ficus tree.
- Oh,sure his light up tattoo looks fancy, but it's just there to remind him where his nose is.
- The whole practice area sequence
- Also, airline safety dance.
- Introducing Zhao: The Daily Show's Senior Taking-a-Role-for-the-Paycheck Correspondent. And also:
Zhao:[spotting Zuko's ship] The banished Prince. Let's offer him lunch.Mike: Which one of you two can yell the loudest?
- Run! M. Night's making his cameo back there!
- Kevin [as Zuko]: I have no time to think about girls when I'm obsessing over a 12-year-old boy. Wait. That Came Out Wrong.
- As Zhao dies a watery death:
- "Hey, Mr. Avatar, you're causing all the toilets in town to back up."
- Any time Aang is referred to as a Jawa.
- Iroh's first appearance:
Kevin: Hey, man, like, what have you done with Cheech, man?
- Iroh tests Aang's Avatar abilities by pouring water on the table:
Bill: When the blind serve drinks.
- Zhao sees Zuko again:
Zhao: I killed you!Mike: (as Zuko) I got better.
- After knocking Katara out:
Zuko: I'm not allowed to go without him.Kevin: (as Katara, said perkily) That's nice; I'm unconscious!
- One of the title cards:
Mike: You know, I tried reading the Water book; I found it a little dry.
- "So do you think they mean 'bender' the way British people use it?" "Google it, folks!"
- Kevin vocalizing Aang's Dull Surprise while entering the Northern Water Tribe.
- When a Firebender looks up at the wave caused by Aang, turns around and points to it - "Frag One!"
- After Zhao removes his cape and nervously puts it down - "I'll take off more. Don't think I won't take off more!"
- During Katara's opening seen, showing her waterbending.
"Ultimately BP resorted to witchcraft to clean up the Gulf."
- As Aang fights off a horde of Fire Nation soldiers in a stone dais thing:
Bill: (thoughtfully) You know, that looks like a lot of effort. He should just get a gun.
- When Zhao is about to kill the moon spirit and asks Iroh why the gods insist on giving themselves such vulnerable physical forms:
Iroh: To teach man kindness and humility.*Close up of the sack holding the soon-to-be-dead moon spirit*Kevin: Workin' out great.
- As all the soldiers/citizens stop to watch the tidal wave rising up over the city during the climactic final battle:
Mike: You know, if it were me, I'd try and resist the urge to look up in wonder and just go around stabbing the other guys until they caught on to me.
- Kevin singing Macarena as Aang is doing martial arts (sorta).
- The attempt to practice water-dancing is interpreted by Mike and Kevin as them trying to act like flight attendants doing the safety demonstration.
Manos: The Hands Of Fate
- At the very beginning:
Kevin: This looks familiar... oh yeah it's footage from my vacation to Hell.Bill: That's El Paso.Kevin: Like I said, Hell.
- Many Take That riffs aimed at Texas ensue.
- On another scene of The Master showing his robe.
Mike: You know, if you removed four of the fingers of each of the hands on his robe there, you'd have my opinion of this movie.Bill: Two thumbs up?!Mike: Um... yeah.
- At one point, The Master's dog stares directly into the camera.
Kevin: (as Demon Dog) I miss Michael Vick.(During the Live Show, the audience loudly groaned, evoking a "What? WHAT?" from Kevin.)
- Peppy, the family's little dark-haired poodle, is found dead. Response?
Mike: Well, I guess it's true: The black character always dies first.
- The nighttime scene of the two teens making out gets depicted as "white trash" version of Twilight. At the Live Show, the Crew took a bow to thunderous applause after the riff.
- When Debbie is revealed as one of The Master's future "wives", naturally the Rifftrax crew reacted in horror, but subverted by Bill admitting it wasn't nearly as creepy as Toddlers & Tiaras.
- The Awkward Silence and Meaningful Looks were allowed to play without riffing (which was only accompanied by the natural unscripted chuckle by one or more of the riffers), to great comedic effect.
- The end of the "Peeping Torgo" scene, after the expected jokes regarding Torgo's pervy peeping, when Margaret turns to see the window empty and Torgo-less.
Bill: FAP FAP FAP FAP!!!(Mike groans in disgust.)Kevin: Okay, that's just not funny!(During the Live Show, the riffing was delayed due to shrieking laughter from the crowd.)
- When the Master starts beating the First Wife and tearing her clothes off.
Kevin: (as wife) Go ahead, lightly slap me and spread jelly on my cheek! And take my... toilet paper ration or whatever that was!
- The Running Gag involving Burt's the motel manager's missing pet raccoon.
- "SHIRTS! SHIRTS! THEY'RE COMING TO GET ME!"
- (At the end of the film) "Hi, I'm Mike Nelson, and welcome to Rifftrax..."
- "MEMENTO: HOT, BACKING UP ACTION, PULLING CAREFULLY FORWARD LIKE YOU'VE NEVER SEEN!"
Nestor The Long-Eared Christmas Donkey
- When Nestor returns home as Roger Miller sings:
Mike (as Nestor): "Guy that beat me and killed my mother, you're my best friend of all!"
- Mike and Disembaudio arguing over the appropriateness of Mike using the word "ass" to describe the donkey narrator.
- The repeated shrieks from the group when they think they are supposed to be scared (i.e. seeing the keys have been knocked on the floor) and their general resentment of the rest of the film is pure gold.
- Kevin being so nauseated by the prospect of the two characters having sex, he declares whenever he thinks its going to happen, he will instead think of Tommy Wiseau and his "Gristley Ass" in the sex scenes of The Room, much to the horror of the other two who begin to see it themselves.
- The riffers making fun of, among other things about Micah, his name:
Micah: Show yourself!Mike: When guys named "Micah" try to act tough, we all lose.Kevin: Parents, more evidence that naming your child "Micah" never ends well.Mike: By the way, guys, just wanted to correct a little error I've let go for too long: my name is spelled M-I-K-E, but it's pronounced "Meek".Bill: Yeah, don't trash-talk the phantoms when your name is "Micah"; it's not gonna work.
(Doorbell rings)Bill: Demon~! I'll just leave 'im on the porch, okay?(Katie answers the door)Bill: (growly, demonic voice) '"COME WITH ME TO HELL!!!"
- (Pretending to read with the planchette on Ouija board): T-H-I-S-M-O-V-I-E-B-L-O-W-S
- Micah: You got a problem?
Kevin: Yo, I'll solve it...
- The riffers' reaction to the ridiculously small areas where Micah puts powder on the ground to pick up the demon's footprints:
"And, provided the thing can't jump or take an average sized stride, we WILL catch it!"
- The talk the riffers have about a Hollywood adaptation of Goodnight Moon, in which they believe Shia Leboeuf is destined for the role as the bowl of mush.
- Mike: So let me introduce you to someone who IS familiar with demons; his name is Michael Bay.
- Micah: Hey, we haven't had anything interesting happen in a while!
Bill: Wow, he's doing our job for us.Mike: This might be our first self-riffing movie!
- Mike (as Micah): Here, let me sing you a lullaby: PLEASE ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF, I'M A MAN...
- And this:
- Micah:[Demons] stalk people for years, like, decades. Sometimes they're really intelligent in the way they do things.Bill: So intelligent that they could put your keys on the ground or even move a door.
Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl
- Upon seeing the shipwreck in the beginning:
Mike: Shia Labeouf Buys A Yacht, Day One.
- "Mmmm... would you like some dignity, sir?"
- When Captain Barbossa dies and his apple falls to the ground:
Kevin: Dibs! Wait... you don't think that apple's cursed, do you?Mike: Uh... no.Kevin: Dibs!
- "His walk is John Wayne plus Carol Channing divided by Daffy Duck.
- The references to Bill's lost year in Colonial Williamsburg.
- "Hmm, I would like to visit Kira... Nightly, in fact".
- Bill's constant mention of Keira's lack of breasts.
Bill (Will is feeling Elizabeth's chest): There's literally nothing there! (Elizabeth takes out her necklace)Kevin: Oh, that was the lump I felt.
Reign of Fire
- * singing* "I fell in to a burnin' Reign of Fire!/ McConaughey peeled off his shirt/ and the flames got higher!"
- When a man and a boy explore a cave:
Man (to Boy): Why don't you go inside and have a wee look?"
Kevin (as Man): That way, when I hear your muffled screams, I'll be able to estimate the size of the cave-in."
Mike: Well, they drilled right into the side of the Batcave, killing Alfred and Robin instantly. Batman remains in intensive care.
- (As a child) "YAY!!! I get to sleep in the same room with a depressed, hairy man!!!!"
- "My ugly senses are tingling!"
- (About the dragon) "Are we gonna get a bigger boat? We need a bigger boat."
- "INCOMPREHENSIBLE PANICKED YELLING!!!" "Yeah, well, INCOMPREHENSIBLE PANICKED YELLING BACK AT YOU!!!!!"
- This moment:
Kevin: That's right men—vigorously defend our smelly crap-hole!
Mike (doing a damn good Winston Churchill impression): We will fight to the cistern. We will fight to the garbage-strewn towers. We will fight to the dank, rat-infested basement. We will NEVER SURRENDER!!!...Probably.
- "Alright, just like we practiced men: panic and scatter. Panic and scatter!"
- Any scene where they make fun of Matthew McConaughey (there are too many to list).
Rise of the Planet of the Apes
- "Brian Cox hasn't seen apes this organized since he faced Johnny Chimpo in Super Troopers!
- Every sex scene is greeted with horror by any who watch them, but especially when Kevin sees Tommy Wiseau's pasty white rear end.
Kevin: DISCONNECT! (electric shock) DISCONNECT! (electric shock) DISCONNECT! (electric shock)
- [Lisa orders a pizza]
Lisa: Half Canadian bacon with pineapple, half artichoke with pesto and light on the cheese.Mike: Ah yes, Domino's WTF-special.
- Kevin and Bill singing "There's a Hole in My Bucket", and taking it too far.
Mike: No, NOT HAMBONE!
- The mention of Loverboy gives Mike an Earworm of Working For the Weekend.
- The Disembaudio sequences during the movie's sex scenes. This movie manages to destroy the lives of Disembaudio and all of his friends and family.
- Though with the exception of Dis's Grandmother and G-Dimes, and we guess Walter, they were all pretty horrible people and kinda deserved it. When the joke achieves Brick Joke status at the fourth sex scene, and becomes an obvious set up that Mike, Kevin and Bill know is coming, when "Nana Baudio" enters, it's just riotous.
- Disembaudio's rant about his addiction to horse tranquilizers and the fact that he's committed several murders recently will probably bring tears to your eyes. That becomes a Brick Joke as well.
Bill: Why don't you let me just inject horse tranquilizers right into your eye.Disembaudio: (popping in) Is that an open offer?!Mike: Please leave.
- The running gags on the football motif, the mom's cancer everytime she is mentioned or shown, and Johnny saying "Oh hi" to everything. There's more.
Bill: Oh hi, Mike!Kevin: Oh hi, Bill!Mike: Okay, enough already. Join us again next time at RiffTrax.com!Kevin: Oh hi, RiffTrax!
- "Oh hi, Mark!" "Oh hi, Denny!" "Think I'd miss a chance to say, 'Oh hi, Movie Theater!'?" "I guess what I'm saying is, 'Oh hi, Denny.'" "Oh hi, Sidewalk!" "Oh hi, Newspaper!" "Oh hi, Entrance!" "Oh hi, Michelle!" "Oh hi, Lisa!" "Talk like me. Oh hi, Denny." "Oh hi, Underwear Story!" "Look at the concentration on his face, you can almost hear his mind working saying, 'Oh hi, Answering Machine!'" "Oh hi, Mark, again!" "Oh hi, Doggie!" "Oh hi, Lisa!" "Oh hi, Building!" "Oh hi, Embarcadero! Do you know that I love Lisa so much? She's so beautiful and sexy." "Oh hi, Darkness!" "Oh hi, Gun Barrel!" "A gloomy peace this morning with it brings. The sun... or sorrow -- Oh hi, Mark!" "Oh hi, Mark, Hi, Denny, Hi, Lisa. I'm dead, you know, hahaha... Now that everyone betrayed me, I'll come back to haunt you while you sleep or shower, haha. Okay, bye-bye now."
- And at the end:
- After Johnny commits suicide:
Lisa: I lost him, but I still have you, right? Right??Mike (as Mark): Yeah... about that, um—-Mark: You don't have me. You'll never have me.Bill (as Mark): I'm unhaveable! I am Mark!
- After one bizarre and inexplicable piece of dialogue after another between Peter, Johnny, and Mark:
Bill: We have fully descended into madness, gentlemen, and we're not even at the one hour mark.Kevin: I can't take anymore!Mike: Really? CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP Chicken, Kevin. You're just a little chicken. CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP!
- Kevin compares Tommy Wiseau's multiple production credits as producer, writer, director, and actor as a modern M. Night Shyamalan. Mike tells Kevin not to insult Tommy Wiseau with that comparison.
- The riff about of Lisa and her friends discussing which one of them is Edward Cullen's wife
- When Lisa leaves Johnny:
Bill: (as Johnny) So, no birthday presents? (pause) Y-You know I was really hoping that I'd get a flowbee. Nothing...?
- When Johnny wrecks his room:
Kevin: The room! HE'S TEARING IT APART!!Mike: In his enraged state, he's able to lift a 65 pound CRT TV as if it were a hollow prop of some sort!
- When Johnny says something unintelligible:
Kevin: He's speaking in tongues!Mike: Oh no, I clearly heard him say (says some gibberish).
- When Johnny smashes his mirror:
Kevin (as Johnny): I hate you, guy who looks like me!
- When Johnny commits suicide:
Bill: Oh hai (mumbled with full mouth) gun barrel!
- After Johnny's suicide:
Kevin: (as Denny) JOHNNY, WHERE DID YOU PUT THE FOOTBALL?!?!
- A Call Back to, of all things, Prince of Space! "I like you VERY MUCH!"
- After Johnny and Mark fight:
Kevin: I'm going back to BrazilaRomaniSlovakia...Stan.
- When Denny goes to the rooftop to talk with Johnny:
Mike (as Denny): Hey, are my drug problems over?
- During Johnny's birthday party.
Bill: All right, now where's the monster from Cloverfield when you really need it?
- "I am unhaveable! I am Mark!"
- "Denny: named after the restaurant where his mom gave birth between dishwashing shifts."
- "Eurotrash infesting your bathroom? Call 1-800-EU'RE-OUT!"
- After the Roughnecks find out the distress call was a trap...
General Owen: We're gonna die! Don't you understand?!Mike: That was me 10 minutes into Transformers 3.
- "SMILE-TRON 4000 ENGAGED."
- When Carmen pilots her ship for the first time: "Steady as she goes, Number Two"
Kevin: AS she goes number two?Bill: Yeah, that'll be points off on the exam...
- During the Battle of Klendathu:
Mobile Infantry Squad Leader: Follow me!Kevin: Follow me, but try to be original okay?! Make the war your own!
- After the extraction from the base where the distress call was a trap:
Zander (to Carmen): I think you should know...Mike (as Zander): ...you're gonna be the worst Bond Girl.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)
- April tries desperately to explain the existence of the Turtles to her boss without sounding completely delusional (and failing miserably):
Bernadette Thompson: I just want to be clear. You are now telling me that there are four six-foot talking turtles walking around New York City, and no one has seen them but you?Bill: Well, me and David Icke.
- Capt. Smith as the Titanic sets off.
Kevin: I'm going to sink this bitch!
- Also counts as a CMOF for Mystery Science Theater 3000, as this line was also used when Mike and the 'Bots viewed clips of Titanic during an Oscar special.
- as Rose, Ruth, and Cal admire the Titanic
Ruth: So this is the ship they say is unsinkable.Cal: It is unsinkable. God Himself could not sink this ship.[a deckhand calls for Cal]Deckhand: Sir! Sir!Bill [as Deckhand]: Sir, the captain has asked if you would please stop foreshadowing![later]Jack: We're the luckiest sons of bitches in the world, you know that?!Bill: Aw, man,Cameron's beyond foreshadowing now. He is five-shadowing!
- When the camera zooms in on young!Rose's and then zooms in then out, seguing into old!Rose's eye, the cast hum soothing, romantic music, until the eye starts to change, when they go "AAARGH, GRRRRRGH URGH, OH-OHMYGOD!"
- Mike (as Old Rose): He drew me for 70 years.
- (As the flashback starts to the ship)
Kevin (singing in a soprano voice): CGI! CGI! CGI...SHIP!
- Jack: Come on!
- Bill: Into Molly Brown's changing room... OH MY GOD!!! OH DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN!!!
- The riffers give voices to that happy pod of dolphins that Jack sees.
Kevin!Dolphin: YOUR PROPELLERS KILLED MY FAMILY! I VOW REVEEENGE!Mike!Dolphin: I join your quest for revenge!Bill!Dolphin: Let's tow an iceberg into the path of this MURDER SHIP!Kevin!Dolphin: Death to the Titanic!Bill!Dolphin: Death to the Titanic!Mike!Dolphin: Death to the Titanic!
- At the end when the camera pans from 1997 Rose past a series of pictures of her in her cabin meant to show her life after the Titanic accident they point out how narcissistic it makes her look and have her talking about her cropping other people out of her pictures and objecting even to the presence of a horse in one.
- During the dinner scene, whenever Rose's mother appears talking, they start humming and whistling a circus style music.
- On the scenes that sets the people in the high-class area, and the people on the basements, the three start to chatter on "business" and "gambling", respectively, and in the same manner on both scenes.
- Singing "Poker Face" to the tune of "Nearer My God to Thee."
- After saying "I regret nothiiiing!" several times in regards to the people falling off the ship, this happens:
Kevin: I regret- OOOH!! Hitting the propeller! WOW that hurt!
- As a passenger falls to his demise on the capsizing Titanic:
Mike: Hey Todd, I bet I can count to 15 before I hit! 12345678910 11 12 13 14 15! I win!
- "I've got to admit, I totally saw that coming."
- Bill: (in a snooty tone of voice) Time for a crunk party. ...Bitches.
- Disembaudio's rendition of "My Heart Will Go On." He gets a little too into it...
- "Dear diary...I saw boobs today."
- There's a Running Gag where they rag on how young Leonardo DiCaprio looks.
- Mike (as Jack): I'm twelve!
- Bill (as Jack): Okay, I'm actually nine, but I have a candy cigarette.
- Mike (as Angry gambler): You're only seven!
- Bill (as Jack): Wow, next year I'll be in fifth grade! I'm a BIG boy!
- Jack: I remember when I was a kid..." Kevin: Wait, WHEN I was a kid?!
- Jack: Well, I figure life's a gift and I don't intend on wasting it. Kevin: After all, I'm almost twelve!
- Frequent jabs are given to Cal Hockley for his effeminate appearance.
Officer William Murdoch: (talking about getting in the lifeboats) Anyone else?Bill (as Cal in a snooty tone): Will it smudge my eyeliner? I don't want that.
- Kevin: (as people are falling down the sinking ships) IT'S RAINING MEN! HALLELUJAH!
- When Cal wrecks the table at breakfast on the last morning of the ship:
Kevin: Guess he didn't like the muffins.
- Mike (as Molly Brown): You dirty birdy!!
- Bill: Unsinkable, maybe. Un-p'wnable, apparently not.
- After Rose rediscovers her old mirror
Rose: The reflection's changed a bit...Mike: (as Rose) I was a pudgy teen then. Now I'm a stone-cold fox.
- When Rose's granddaughter tries to get her to rest
Rose's granddaughter: Come on, Nana...Rose: NO!Mike: (as Rose) You just want to be the only hot chick in the room!
- Tommy: Will you give us a chance to live, ya limey bastard?!
Bill: Heh, I yelled that outside a closed liquor store before.
- When Lovejoy doesn't allow Jack to attend the mass in first class:
Mike (as Jack): I hope you get shut out at the valet awards.
- Mike ruining the "I am flying" scene:
Jack: (singing softly) Come Josephine in my flying machine, going up she goes...Mike: (as Quint) Oh I love to go swimmin' with bow-legged women and dive between their knees! Arrr!
- Spotting a strange object on one of the lifeboats:
Bill: "What's that by her head? Is that a lightsaber?"Mike: "Yes, Kitt Fisto's great-great grandfather Hieronymus Fisto was on board."Bill: (skeptically) "Hieronymus..."Mike: "Fisto, yes."
- When Cal shows Rose the diamond necklace:
Cal: And they called it Le Coeur de la Mer.Cal & Rose: (together) The heart of the ocean.Mike: (as Cal) Originally it was called Le Poulet de la Mer, or Chicken of the Sea.
- "Drew has broken free! He's trying to flee the set!"
- At the beginning of the movie:
Grampa Seth: Goblins still exist!Rich Kyanka: I fought them in World War 2 just yesterday!
The Wicker Man
- The infamous bike scene:
Edward: Get off the bike.Mike: (as Sister Rose) It's a girl's bike.Edward: Get off the bike!Kevin: (as Sister Rose) I said, it's a girl's bike.Edward: (pulls out his gun) Step away from the bike!Mike: (as Sister Rose) Fine, if you want to look like an idiot on a girl's bike.
- And school girls' Straw Feminist rant.
- Pretty much every time the ridiculously masculine Sister Beech is on screen, expect to crack up like a lunatic. She's obviously their favorite thing about the movie.
Kevin: Well, the 'never strike a woman' rule is still intact, it being Sister Beech and all
- For instance, after Edward knocks her out with a single punch:
- Late in the movie, when Mike mistakes her for Kevin James.
- "When I think of getting jumped by Leelee Sobiesky, it's a little different."
Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory
- The intro includes a fantastic Shout-Out: Disembaudio challenging guest-riffer Neil Patrick Harris to a Slap Bet.
- "Nintendo Sixty FOUUUU-I mean a Golden Ticket! Yippie!"
- Chemistry class:
Mike: Neil, can I ask you to go ahead and mix together some of my special chemicals I brought into the studio today?
Neil: Of course, Mike. I see no reason whatsoever not to mix together whatever chemicals I'm handed at any given time.
Mike: That's what I like to hear.
Disembaudio: Mike, you've blown up stage, screen and television actor Neil Patrick Harris!
- When the news reports that two of the five tickets have been found:
Reporter: Whatever corner of the globe we're in, which ever of the five continents we're on...
Neil: So they go nuts for Wonka Bars even in grim, socialist, dystopian societies?
Disembaudio: Oh? Is this set in France?
Mike: Disembaudio~ once again coming out of nowhere to spank the French!
- "Mom saw a dull flicker of hope and snuffed it out right at the source. Way to go, mom."
- Math class.
Mr. Turkentine: Today, we're going to learn...(draws a circle on the black board)
Mr. Turkentine: ...about percentages. (talks for a while — shot of the class groaning)
Mike: (imitating children's voice) THIS IS HISTORY CLASS!
- "Where have I seen that deluded look of hope before—oh, yeah! A craps table at 4:00 a.m.!
- When Charlie and his grandfather pine over a Wonka bar that may or may not have the Golden Ticket inside:
Mike: Neil, I don't want to know what happens next, but just tell me this...are dreams crushed?
Neil: Obliterated. Not an atom of hope or joy anywhere to be found.
- Just before they enter:
- In the very tiny room, just before the factory itself:
Mr. Salt: You're a bleedin' nut, Wonka! No one can get through there!
Neil Patrick Harris: Sam-B would have to a~gree!
Neil Patrick Harris: Ugh!
Mike: Disembaudio! You just slapped Neil Patrick Harris!
Disembaudio: Hey, I just did what we were both thinking. I keeps it real, Neil!
Neil Patrick Harris: Ouch! Yes, I get it—very real.
- When Willy Wonka sings for the first time:
- When the kids are licking the walls:
Veruca Salt: Snozzberries? Who ever heard of a snozzberry?
Mike: (as Wonka turns Salt's head toward him) Look, Salt, I swear to god, I will cut you!
- When Willy Wonka starts shouting during the Creepy Tunnel Scene from Hell:
Neil Patrick Harris: And if you're ready Mike, may I offer you a wide-awake nightmare?
Neil Patrick Harris: I don't mind if you do!Neil Patrick Harris: This is for all the eight-year-olds who dropped blotter acid before going to see the film.Mike: Salvador Dali took one look at this scene and said, "Hey, man! This is too weird even for me!"Wonka (singing): There's no earthly way of knowing....which direction we are going....Mike: You know what would be funny — if you were an airline pilot and get on the intercom and do this exact thing.Neil Patrick Harris: This is what I imagine it's like to spend time with Tim Burton.
- After drinking the special soda:
Mike: You think this is a metaphor? You know, for...getting high?
Neil Patrick Harris: ..."metaphor"? Heck, no! I think they were high when they filmed this! And when they wrote it, filmed it, screened it, ate lunch, slept, took showers. There was more THC passing through that movie set than through the whole Burning Man festival.
- During Veruca's "I Want It Now" song:
Mike: Neil, do you ever do this on the set of How I Met Your Mother? Just dance around, singing a song of your contractual demands?Neil Patrick Harris: Yeah. Just the other day I knocked em' dead with a five minute show-tune about the kind of cold-cuts I demanded to have in my trailer. Standing-O, my friend. (as Veruca Salt trashes the room) Gosh, I didn't do this exactly; during my dance break, I ran around punching crew guys and lighting small fires.
Mike:You know, if I were gonna sing a big production number on what I want, I'm not sure if I could come up with anything too flashy. *Singing* I want a sandwich, a nicely prepared ham sandwich! If you could put a pickle on the side I'd really appreciate it, but don't go through any trouble. *Speaking* You know, that sort of thing.Neil Patrick Harris: That's nice. I —Mike: * Continues Singing* I'd like some tube socks! Some good fitting tube socks! Socks that are reasonable priced with good lastic! Socks that don't have a thick seam where my toes are!Neil Patrick Harris: Wonderful, just one small request: Please never sing again.Mike: Beat Request granted.Neil Patrick Harris: Thank you.
- Then Mike talks about how if he had to do a musical number he probably wouldn't be able to come up with anything too flashy.
- "A stiff thumbs-up shows the kids today you're 'down' with the 'music' and the 'scene' and the 'Pogs'."
- The confusion over which country the movie takes place in, including "Maybe it's set before the American Revolution" and "Hope he doesn't get mugged on the mean streets of Englameripoland."
- During "Pure Imagination":
Wonka: If you want to view paradise...Neil Patrick Harris: (finishing the lyric) Simply watch another movie!
The Wizard of Oz
- During the Lollipop Guild scene:
- And during the "Ding-Dong The Witch is Dead" scene:
Mike: Aw, cutest blitzkrieg ever.
- At the entrance to the Emerald City:
Dorothy, Scarecrow, Tin Man, Cowardly Lion (in unision): "Bell out of order. Please knock."Mike, Kevin, Bill (all in unison): "Reading in unison is a capital offense."
- During the "Lions, and Tigers and Bears, oh my!" scene:
- As the Tin Man rusts in the poppy field, Bill responds in a overly sneering tone that tin does not rust. (Which is true; tins cans do rust but are mixed with iron.)
- When the Wizard tells Dorothy about himself.
Oz: I'm an old Kansas man myself!Mike: Just like you, I'm an old Kansas man.
- During the Cowardly Lion's debut, as he challenges the others to fight him:
Lion: I'll fight ya with one paw behind my back! I'll fight ya on one leg! I'll fight ya with my eyes closed!Kevin: I'll fight ya while suffering from feline diabetes, which I have!
- Every time the riffers add or alter song lyrics. Every time.
- When Glinda returns at the end:
Bill (as Glinda): The Wizard got sucked into a jet engine. I call the shots now.
- After Dorothy is captured by the Wicked Witch:
Dorothy: Oh, please give me back my dog!Bill: No, no, it's more like, "GIVE ME BACK MY DOG!"
- Their shock at the fact that during he scene of our heroes heading to the wicked witch's castle, the scarecrow is shown carrying a gun.
- Which leads to a Why Don't You Just Shoot Him? moment when the Flying Monkeys attack.
- When the group tries to get Oz to grant their request, where the hologram has a lot of fire surrounding it:
Oz Hologram: But first, you must prove yourselves worthy... by performing a VERY SMALL TASK.Mike (as Oz): Put out these fires!
- They make a lot of jokes at the Munchkin Lollipop Guild, which ultimately leads to, after Dorothy and the others kill the Wicked Witch and acquire her broom to present to Oz...
Mike (as Oz): Uh, go kill the Lollipop Guild, too!
- During one of Bibi's songs.
Mike: (singing) ♪What's the name of that movie, where the sequel had a cruise ship? It was awful, really awful.♪Bibi: ♪Speeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeedd!!!♪Mike: Oh, right, right. Yeah. Strange that I would forget that.
Bill: (singing) ♪So snort the Constitution! Inject Mount Rushmore into your sac! Freebase freedom off Francis Scott Keeeeeeey!♪
- From later in the same song (an overextended...something involving America and drugs):
- Late in the movie, we are treated to a first person shot of a hairy bum.
Mike: I just spit-washed your face, give me a quarter!
- Throughout the movie, the riffers have a Running Gag of changing the theme song's chorus, which always ends with the character's name, Buffalo Jones. Mike delivers one version ending with "Rashida Jones", but Kevin, as always, pulls off an Overly Long Gag leading up to the phrase Mark Ruffalo's phone. As expected, Bill and Mike are ready to kill him for this.
Cool as Ice
- When the title pops up:
Bill: Screw you, Affirmative Action!
- Kevin is surprised to hear that they're doing a movie made in the very early 1990s, with a title that references cold, starring an annoying-as-hell white guy with a really stupid haircut whose career died immediately after it came out, and it's not Brian Bosworth vehicle Stone Cold.
- At one point, one of the mobsters staking out the female lead's family's house throws up a little while talking to Ice, and it honestly looks like the guy really threw up and they used the take anyway. It's funny without riffing but the incredulity of the riffers adds to the hilarity.
Kevin (after a few seconds of Mike, Bill, and himself scoffing): He's puking what we're all thinking!
- Repeated mention is made of the fact that this movie's Director of Photography, Janusz Kaminski, is better known for most of Steven Spielberg's movies, including Schindler's List.
- The Running Gag of Ice being confused with other white rappers of the same period, especially Snow.
Kevin: (as Monique) I love your song "Informer"!Bill: (as Vanilla Ice) Dammit!Kevin: (as Monique) Call me when we can "licky boom boom down."Bill: (as Vanilla Ice) I'm not Snow, dammit!
- "Hide your Queen samples!"
- This nice little Take That:
Vanilla Ice: It was, uh, very pleasant meeting you...m'am.Mike: (as Mrs. Winslow) Yeah, you're real shocking, I'm gonna go sing along with Straight Outta Compton while I vacuum, even the n-words, 'kay?
- As Kathy stares pensively, clearly thinking about Vanilla Ice:
- Across town, Vanilla looks equally pensive:
Kevin: (as Vanilla Ice) Do egg rolls have actual eggs in them?
- During the end credits, Disembaudio starts rapping along with Ice, using the same vocals.
Crater Lake Monster
- "Cows: Man's 'f**k you' to natural selection."
- "He looks like someone who's considered duct taping an M80 to a live raccoon. Maybe not followed through, but considered."
- The sweet and sorrowful ode to Arnie at the end.
- "Don't worry, he comes back later as Arnie the White."
- Mike making fun of a character's clearly fake Britishness.
- Seeing a scorecard in the Sheriff's office labeled "Flies 2; Me 50"
Bill: "Wait, did the flies kill the previous two sheriffs?!"
The Curse of Bigfoot
- The website (accurately) compared this film to Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny, in that it was cheap film with a clumsily added on Framing Device, with tons of Padding and No Ending.
- On seeing the credits:
Kevin: Ah, Marker Felt font. You're like Comic Sans, only older, fatter and balder.
- When a 70's, shaggy-haired, small-mustachioed, clueless logger comes on camera:
Kevin: Well, this guy can't look nearly as backwards as— (logger turns around) YAGH!!!Bill: He looks like a police sketch of himself.
- The Nick Nolte Running Gag will have you in tears:
Mike: (gravelly) Psst. It's me, your old pal, Nick Nolte. Look, I passed out down here last week. No time for details, but basically, I fell in while fighting a stray dog for half a bag what I thought was Franzia. Anyway, I guess I got to hacking up lung butter while I was snoozin', formed this hard coat all over me and now I'm stuck. Before you ask, no, this ain't the first time.
Mike: (gravelly) Can you peckerheads hurry it up? I'm startin' to fade in here. Ah, the hell with it. Time to settle on into a vegetative state til something warm comes close for me to leap up and suck some life essence. It's a little trick I learned from my good friends ticks and bedbugs. Before you ask, no, this ain't the first time.
Kevin: (shocked) WHOA! It WAS Nolte under there!Mike: (gravelly) Tried to tell you boys. Now, somebody hose me off and get me some of that "Chicken In a Biscuit" crackers. I got a hankerin' you wouldn't believe. It's daytime now - I'M MAKIN' THE RULES!note
- Towards the end, the movie doggedly insists that a scene is set at nighttime despite it clearly being a very sunny day.
Mike: The moon is searing my retinas and offering two scoops of raisins!
- Then when one teen comments it's hard to see in the dark.
Kevin: (enraged) STOP LIVING THIS LIE!
- Then when one teen comments it's hard to see in the dark.
- When the unfortunate Norman tries unsuccessfully to convince the others that he saw the mummy move:
Bill: Come on, guys, it's flipping me off! Oh, now it's writing 'Norman sucks' in the dirt; will you just look?
- Bill nearly being driven mad by the padding:
Bill: (progressively more agitated) Yes, folks - guys slowly scaling rocks at a modest incline, a tedious activity you witnessed for an extended period of time not one minute ago resumes in all it's glory, buuuUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuut in the opposite direction... DEAR GOD WHO DIRECTED THIS MOVIE?! A STOOL SAMPLE FROM A GOLDEN RETRIEVER?!!
- As one of the students descends into the cave:
Mike: Hey guys, which are stalagmites and which are stalactites and my God, a bat is trying to mate with my head!
Cyborg Cop 2
The Dark Power
- The guys' many riffs on Lash La Rue's way of slurring his words that make him constantly sound like he's at least half drunk, and his overall ineffectuality as an Action Hero.
- After one of the Toltec zombies kills the leader of the group of sleazy, racist Asshole Victims.
Bill: (as Toltec zombie) We got him! Now to form GWAR.
Doctor Who and the Daleks
- During one of their tedious conversations
Red Dalek "...LINE!?Black Dalek "...LINE!?Red Dalek "...LINE!?
- Bill's growing nerd rage as the contradictions with the series grow, causing him to be restrained and sedated by the other two.
- As the Daleks capture the main characters:
Mike as the Black Dalek: WELCOME TO THE ISLAND OF MISFIT SEX TOYS!Kevin: Ugh... studded!
- The running gag that every single Dalek is named Carl.
- At the end, when the heroes trick the Daleks into blasting each other:
Kevin as a blasted-Dalek: You knew that was me, Carl! YOU LOOKED ME IN THE EYE!
- As Dr. Who explains how TARDIS works:
Dr. Who: "When I push that lever, this room and everything in it will dissolve into their respective component electrical charges."Bill: "I'm about kill us, is what I'm saying."
Doctor Who: Daleks - Invasion Earth: 2150 A.D.
- This exchange while the loser-cop-hero and the female lead are fleeing the Daleks:
Bill: (as the cop) "Perhaps human sex destroys them?"Kevin: (as the girl) "No! You've suggested that four times!"
- Near the end when the hero reads out the word "Bzapp" from a Batman comic
Fist of Fury
- This excellent exchange during the opening credits, gradually building up to screams:
Mike: Those are Chinese characters, not naked ladies. This isn't a Bond movie.Kevin: Well then why do I have a Goldfinger?Mike: I told you to go to a doctor about that two weeks ago!Kevin: I can't drive! My eyes haven't been able to focus since it turned gold!Mike: Don't point it at me!Kevin: It points on its own now!
- Chen's fellow students are haranguing him for fighting back against the rival school, thinking it prompted more attacks:
Student: Now see what you've done! You act the hero, and this, this is what they do to us. You should have told us what you were going to do!Kevin (as Chen): I see your point. But may I remind you that I'm BRUCE [Bleeping] LEE??
- The overweight, middle-aged master of the karate school squares off against Bruce Lee:
Bill: "This looks like a fair and even fight."
- After Chen (Lee)'s first attack on the Japanese school:
Mr. Wu: (smugly) "I know him. We've met before. His name is Chen. They say he's the school's best boxer..."Bill: (same) "I provoked the whole thing by slapping him."
Fun In Balloonland
- When the off-key kids and adults start singing, Bill gasps, and says under his breath, "Oh, God..."
Storyteller: She was so lovely that her parents decided to give a large party for all the lords and ladies of the land.
- When the kid in pajamas stands away from the camera in front of a small billboard, it looks frighteningly similar to another film's ending.
Kevin: (as the boy in gold lame bikini briefs runs around chased by someone in an awful lobster costume) Okay, it's official: this is now my favorite movie ever!
- When the kids are singing "Old McDonald's Farm".
Kids: With an oink oink here, and an oink oink there, here an oink, there an oink, everywhere an oink oink...Kevin: "Everywhere an oink oink." These little thugs just hate the cops!
- The parade sequence, comprising actual archival footage of the actual 1964 Philadelphia Thanksgiving parade, is perhaps one of the highlights of the entire Rifftrax library of work. They get a ton of mileage out of the parade's narrator, who sounds like she's simultaneously drunk, high, horny, and undergoing a psychotic break.
Narrator:OoooOOoOOooOOoohhhh noooOOOOOOOoooOOOOooOOoo!Bill: (chortling) Okay, the peyote is really kicking in now!Mike: Seems we lost our narrator too.Kevin: I'll fill in. Here's a band, oh man, with a plan! Horns in their hands and some flan in a pan. I'm secretly in love with my ex-mailman Stan! I keep clumps of his hair in an old coffee can!Mike: Huh. Spot on, thank you.
- The crew also get a lot of mileage out of her constant use of the word "gay" to mean happy.
Mike: Everything is gay with this lady.
Narrator: Hickory-dickory-dock...Kevin: Andrew Dice Lady!
Mike: She's full-on Nursery Rhyme Word Salad about now!
- The entire..."guessing game" at the end of the film, in which the narrator explains the rules, and then proceeds to do, for lack of a better term, something else.
Kevin: Quit moving the goal post, lady!
Narrator: Say, "Hello, fat hippo!"Mike: Wait til your mom's friends are around.
Kevin: (whining) I WANT MY MOMMY!Mike: Yeah, that's what the kids would say at this point.Kevin: WHAT KIDS?!?!(Mike chuckles nervously.)
- "Ladies and gentlemen, Katy Perry without autotune!"
- At the end, Bill says what everyone is thinking:
Bill: (whispering) Okay, seriously, what the hell was that?!
- Covers Always Lie: Seriously, this cover has to be the one of the most blatant lies for any movie. Ever.
- Mike and Kevin's Dude, Not Funny! reaction to Bill's David Carradine joke.
(Both Kevin and Mike react in horror.)Bill: What? What?Mike: Oh, oh... just... Too Soon...Kevin: Okay, now you're good.Bill: Great! Great! Because I have a closet full of jokes!... (beat) Maybe it was too soon.Mike: Yeah.
- Early in the movie Bill has a lot of fun with the fact that Tucker is an agent of "C.O.P.S.", the Civilian-Operated Police System. He's gonna have to file a R.E.P.O.R.T. and drive home in his C.A.R., but he's excited for his upcoming T.H.R.E.E.W.E.E.K.V.A.C.A.T.I.O.N. He explains all of those acronyms, none of them making any sense.
- The opening scene introduces the audience to the "C.O.P.S." concept — but calls the organization "Civilian Operated Police Incorporated", leading to a Running Gag of referring to them as "C.O.P.I."
- When the film's fascination with showing Tucker drive places has gotten out of hand
Mike:Driving scenes: the cinematic equivalent of sawdust.Kevin: Driving scenes: without them your crappy movie would be like 20 minutes long.Mike: That sounds great, actually.Bill: Yeah! I hate you, driving scenes!
- As a big muscular guy scrawls something on a chalkboard
Mike: Just have to write down how much I hate NEEEEEEEEEERDS!
- On that note, as the camera pans across the C.O.P.S. office, showing Tucker's co-workers to be gun-toting bodybuilders, Bill compares the scene to a Rifftrax staff meeting.
- WANTED: PETER SPRING
Kevin: Ironically, David Carradine owned a number of peter springs.Mike: What is a pe-Nevermind.
- The Big Bad and his Dragon use heavy machinery to murder a lackey in the dead of night. It's extremely loud and takes a good long while.
Bill: (as thug, yelling over the noise) I'M GLAD YOU DECIDED TO GO WITH AN INCONSPICUOUS MURDER PLOT, BOSS!
- When said Dragon is hacking into computer files to frame a troublesome reporter
Mike: So, you hire a big muscley psychopath thug to do your dirty work...Kevin: I do.Mike: Then when you need someone whacked, he walks four feet over to a computer and types in a few things.
- The movie really fails to deliver an atmosphere that suggests the future in any way, and in fact looks appreciably older than its 1989 vintage. This does not go unnoticed at all. For instance, during a chase scene where Tucker is trying to shake a helicopter
Mike: I'm sorry, this chase is just too futuristic. They're asking us to accept too much.
- And later
Bill: Okay, there can't be that much movie left, so when the Hell are they gonna go through the time portal that takes them to the future?Kevin: Well, what about this junkyard full of 70s cars and guy loading an antique pistol doesn't say "future" to you?
- "The evil priest's henchman has a pegleg, sure." Said very matter-of-factly to highlight how ridiculous it is.
- "Call me an animal again and I'll shed my winter coat and eat my young!"
- As the film ends, it settles on a shot of our slovenly hero driving his beat-up truck into the grimy downtown LA distance as Kevin wonders if the shot can get any more undignified. Just then, a Budweiser truck passes by.
Kevin: Touche, Budweiser truck. Touche.
- During Tucker's fight with the villain's henchman:
Henchman: "Come on! I want some more of your ass!"
- The crew get a lot of mileage on pondering how Future Force merited a sequel at all.
- On seing the title card "David Carradine Entertainment".
- When Tucker breaks out his robot glove:
Kevin: Ah ha ha! There she is! Like Indy's whip, Wolverine's claws, this glove is an iconic movie weapon fans recognize as a...Villain: (trying to start his engine) Lousy piece of shit!Kevin: Yeah, pretty much.
- The Running Gag in both movies about how using the glove more often (namely, all the time) would solve all of Tucker's problems much more quickly and with comparatively less loss of life. He really comes across as an utter bonehead for not wearing it all the time.
- Despite Bill's line about a time portal in the riff of Future Force, the fact that Future Zone actually does involve a time portal doesn't go over well with the guys due to the ridiculously flimsy way it's introduced ("Some friends of mine built a time portal...")
Bill: There you have it, folks, the thinnest premise in movie history.
Tucker: Let me get this straight...Mike: A [bleep] TIME PORTAL?!
- It's a while before they stop making fun of that detail
- Carradine's real wife says in the film, "He had his kinky moments." This does not go unnoticed by the crew.
- After Tucker's house blows up, Tucker storms off. When ask where to:
Tucker: I'M GOING TO GET DRUNK!Kevin: No...Tucker: ALONE!Kevin: You don't say!
- As a bad guy in a van fires on Tucker
Kevin: This van is reminding me of The A-Team. Specifically the episode where they watched Future Zone and were like "This movie seems terrible!"
- The guys take a few cracks at the horrid motif/ calling card given to the ghost, but the most awesome one is when Kevin turns it into a full on drinking song. It ends:
Kevin: To the Ghost House!Chorus of voices: To the Ghost House!Bill: GAH! Kevin, how'd you do that?Kevin: It's the ghosts, Bill. They can't get enough of that stuff.
- He's Jim Dalen. He's staying here on vacation with a camper in the yard. His brother and his girlfriend are here too, as is his sister Tina. And his intro will out live him.
- Nick Nolte is apparently hiding out in the Ghost House.
- When Jim Dalen, who's here on vacation with a camper in the yard along with his brother and his girlfriend (oh, and his sister Tina) asks the little girl haunting the place and her clown doll what they want:
Girl: Chicken finger Happy Meal.Clown: Same.Jim Dalen: For God's sake, somebody help me!Girl: You want my fries?Clown: You know it!
- Mike: "If you find yourself pouring gasoline into a casket, you probably should reconsider some of your life choices."
The Guy From Harlem
- Everything involving Harry:
Harry: "I'm HERE to see Al Connors."Kevin: "I'm HOPING he can HELP me control the VOLUME of my VOICE."
- Especially his very odd speech patterns:
Mike: "I would kill a man to hear Harry's side of this conversation."Harry: "I came to see you today for two reasons. Two very important reason to me and my happiness. One...is...is kind of personal."'Mike: (shaking with laughter) "He ran out of momentum fast that time."
- While the hero is talking to him over the phone.
Kevin: "I carry envelopes of all denominations on my person. One's full of blood diamonds! You really should have aimed higher."
- When Al demands $25,000 for the job and Harry casually tosses him an envelope of $5,000 to start with:
Bill: "He walks slowly because he's carrying the equivalent of Brazil's GDP at all times."
- Called back a few minutes later:
Hawk The Slayer
- The fact Jack Palance calls someone who looks almost the same age his father.
Mike: Eldest son?! Did he have him when he was three?!Hawk: (calling from outside) Father?Kevin: Is Almost Father with you?
- When Palance is particularly hammy:
- At the very end, they have "the poorly animated hawk" handing out some announcements during the credits. All is going fine until the very end where it starts on a personal message:
Bill: (as the hawk) "Folks, things aren't always black and white: Hitler had some good ideas too..."Mike, Kevin: (sounds of panicked scrambling) "KILL THE MIC! KILL THE MIC!"
Kiss Of The Tarantula
- "Fearsome tarantula at your service! Now where's the worm or small lizard that you want dead?"
- "I-I honestly don't know that to do here. Is there a beetle on this lady you want me to eat?"
The Last Slumber Party
- The girls are wondering where one of their (unknowingly murdered) friends went:
Chris: El Creepo seems to have vanished into thin air.Bill: Terry Richardson spontaneously combusted?! Hooray!
The Magic Sword
Neutron the Atomic Superman Vs. the Death Robots
- The introduction of our, ahem, hero.
TV announcer: This is the mysterious agent, Neutron.Mike: AKA Strong Bad.
- While Neutron and Dr. Caronte wrestle in his lab.
Bill: Hey, hey, Neutron. Do you ever feel we resolve our conflict this way not because we choose to, but instead due to some cultural expectation put upon us because of the way we're dressed? Like, do we wear these masks or do these masks wear us? Y'know?Mike: I hear what you're saying, and, friend, while I do respect your analytical perspective, it's impossible to ignore the underlying issues of PUNCH, PUNCH, PUNCH!
- Kevin then ponders why no one is using the gun that was brought into the lab.
Mike: This fight choreographed by two eight year olds mashing the "A" button over and over again.
- Kevin then ponders why no one is using the gun that was brought into the lab.
- When Dr. Caronte attempts a lame We Can Rule Together ploy on Neutron:
Kevin: Hm, not working. Why not try a "We're Not So Different, you and I"?
- "Hi, Mark."
Bill: Oh please, the only proper way to greet a Mark is: "Oh, haaaaaiiiiii Mark!"
- When dwarf Nick is leading the, ahem, "robots":
Mike: This movie would be 5,000 percent better if Nick referred to the robots as "his bitches".
Kevin: So far, this has more laughs than Nacho Libre.Bill: I don't think it's a comedy.Kevin: I never said it was.
- Mike's translation of the heroine's singing, which switches wildly from lamenting her dead goldfish to trying to decide what car she should buy to claiming that all Belgians are secretly lizard-people and should be shot on sight:
Kevin: (sobs) Poor little goldfish...
- Another translation:
Mike: Oh, she's calling her sister a fat sack of garbage. Fat sack of garbage. Fat sack of garbage. Fat sack of garbage. (sings) Fat sack of gaaaAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaarbage!
- By the third time, Bill has given up and is whispering to Mike during his translation, "That's nice, Mike. What else?"
- Another translation:
- When the police chief asks if they heard of any news, Kevin unleashes an almost deadly Incredibly Lame Pun.
Kevin: Sir, this is hardly the time to worry about the state of a herding subspecies of the antelope family.noteBill: (under his breath as Kevin giggles at the badness of his own pun) Oh... man... whew.... hate you...
Prisoners of the Lost Universe
- On Mad Scientist Dr. Madison:
Mike: He has a "just put the last stitch in The Human Centipede" look about him.
- On the Lost Universe's landscape.
Kevin: You gotta imagine this place is just swarming with Gorn captains.
- The astonished crew reacts to Dan blatantly putting his hand up Carrie's skirt to booster her (Mike: "HOLY! Right UP there!"), then, the camera follows Carrie climbing from below:
Mike: (as Dan) Any other perving opportunities? Ah, I know. Look up straight up.Bill: This short clip has its own website, a Twitter account with three million followers, and a seven picture Hollywood deal.Kevin: (as Dan) Eh, shame that I saw her wang. Well, jumping off the cliff I guess.(After Carrie reaches the top.)Mike: Creepy middle-aged American men stand up and applaud!(Bill starts clapping.)Mike: Bill, why are you...?Bill: Oh, I thought that was an imperative sentence.
- During the opening credits:
Kevin: (sings) R.O.T.O.R.!Bill: Hm.Kevin: (sings) R.O.T.O.R.!Mike: Uh, R.O.T.O.R.?Kevin: Exactly. (sings, trilling) rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRR.O.T.O.R.!Bill: So what you're saying is...Kevin: (sings) R.O.T.O.R.!
- During the opening credits:
Mike: Visual effects,huh? Well, so long as it isn't that creepy baby from Twilight.Kevin: That was technically a visual defect!
- During an aerial shot:
Helicopter reporter: Hey, good buddy! Things are really getting jammed up down there.(Helicopter shows very light traffic.)Kevin: No they're not!Helicopter reporter: Traffic is backed up all the way to LBJ.Bill: Demonstrably not true!
- As the skeleton of R.O.T.O.R. dances:
Mike: (robot voice) Greta Garbo, Marilyn Monroe, Dietrich and DiMaggio...
Coldyron: That's about as far as you're gonna stick it, Earl!Bill: WHOA! I'm glad they're not in the same room, anyhow!
- Mike reacts to Shoeboogie's name.
Mike: Shoeboogie?! Is he a long, lost Cosby kid?
Mike: The hillbilly jumped on a plane now?!Kevin: (hick voice) Hoooo-weee! Wings don't fail me now! Golly gee howdy!
Coldyron: It stops felons, judegs the crime, and executes sentence. Justice served, C.O.D.Bill: (chuckling) I don't think any cash changes hands!
Bill: (outraged) I'LL KILL YOU WHERE YOU STAND, MURPHY!
- The ending in which Coldyron gets gunned down by Bugler.
(Mike, Bill and Kevin guffaw.)Bill: (laughing) Or we could end the movie this way!Mike: (laughing) The original ended with Coldyron marrying his girlfriend, but test audiences demanded this version.
Santa And The Ice Cream Bunny
- Any time the riffers remind us that Santa is telling the Thumbelina story to the kids, and imitate what his narration for some of the strange/boring/painful parts must be like.
Bill: (as a kid) Wait, the lady on the loudspeaker is a ground-dwelling animal of some sort? What's going on here?!Kevin: (as Santa) Enough questions! Guy in the gorilla suit, shut that kid up, will ya?
- During the painful sequence where Santa attempts to attach a sheep to his sleigh:
Mike: Guys if you close your eyes during these scenes it takes on a whole new context. Give it a try!Santa: COME ON! OOHHHH! OH, HARDER!Kevin: (amid mutual groans of horror) Gah! You're right!Santa: Well, now he is in the wrong way!Kevin: (now utterly horrified and disgusted) OH MY!!Santa: Let's get him out again... OHH, HARDER!!Bill: OH, YOU'RE A BAD MAN MIKE! I'm going to open my eyes now!Santa: HARDER!! HARDER, ohhhhhh...Kevin: GAH, I'M STILL SEEING IT!
- And the above is immediately preceded by this bit, after Mike had wondered when Santa had time to go to the bathroom over the course of being in his sleigh for two days.
Santa: (as he lumbers out of the sleigh to help attach the aforementioned sheep to his sleigh) Let me see what we can do. (gets out of the sleigh revealing a hideous brown stain on the backside of his Santa costume)Bill: DEAR GOD! You can start by getting your Santa pants dry cleaned!Kevin: I guess that answers your question, Mike!
- And later...
Bill: OH THERE IT IS AGAIN!
- "Well, back to doing what I do best, sitting here in my filthy pants."
- A little kid brings out a guy in a gorilla suit to dislodge Santa's sleigh. Mike's delivery really sells this:
Mike: Keep in mind, this was Plan A.
- During a close up of the Ice Cream Bunny:
- It's Bill's Phantom of Krankor laugh!
- Mike becoming increasingly fed up with Bill's Running Gag about Mr. Digger's Bronx accent. "Now let's go get some nice pastrami at the deli."
- Their riffing on the "Santa":
Mike: (as "Santa" stands up to greet the Ice Cream Bunny, directly blocking out the sun to the camera) BOW DOWN BEFORE ME PUNY HUMANS! COWER IN FEAR AS I BLOCK OUT YOUR SUN!!!
- And as Santa seems to fall into unconsciousness after the kids leave:
Mike: He- he's dead. The sun killed him.Kevin: All hail the SUN!
- The group's reaction to the various nightmarish animals that appear:
The Frog: What I need is a little girl.Kevin: GAH! The Woody Allen of frogs!The Frog: That's what I need, all right! I wonder where my mother is?Mike: (in a horrified murmer) Man, that is one messed up amphibian!
- Their reaction to the bug/wasp/Cthulhu like things as they hop their way across the screen (Kevin's horrified screams upon seeing the weird bug things in the "Thumbelina" segment.):
Kevin: (perfectly calm) Ah, well... guys, if you don't mind, I've got this one.Mike: Ah great, ok then. Thanks.Kevin: (inhales deeply) AAAAAARRRGH MYGOD!!! ARRRGRGRGG THISISTERRIBLE!!! AAAIIRRGGH!!! PLEASE GODWHATISIT?!?!?! AAAIIIRRGGHH!!!
- Bill then states he's certain that there's already Fan Fic devoted to them. Kevin pipes in, "Rule 34!"
- Their reaction to the bug/wasp/Cthulhu like things as they hop their way across the screen (Kevin's horrified screams upon seeing the weird bug things in the "Thumbelina" segment.):
- And their reaction to Mrs Mole's "Mole Supremacism":
Mrs Mole: (on the subject of the aforementioned frog) Frogs are terrible looking. We moles think they are FILTHY creatures.Bill: Unlike God's chosen race, the MOLE!
- "Well, that's it. I officially have no idea what we're looking at, why we're here, or even who I am anymore."
- Kevin's Heroic BSOD after the entire Thumbelina story doesn't change a thing in the Santa story. "I'll pull the sleigh! I'll marry Mr. Digger! I'll do whatever you want!"
- As the Ice Cream Bunny drives the kids in his vintage fire engine to save Santa, the guys are left speechless.
Mike: Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time in 150+ movies, Rifftrax has nothing to say.Bill: Just this. Enjoy.
- Their theories of what exactly they're seeing and why- ranging from a seriously bad drug trip to the studio exploding and them being in hell while Satan himself considers that forcing them to watch the film might be a little too harsh.
- Their reaction to Thumbelina's criteria for an ideal husband:
Thumbelina I just wish there was someone younger, or someone who was handsome, someone who was a human being like I am, (Bill starts giggling) someone who will come and take me in his arms. I would be happy to be his wife.Bill Human Being. A distant, third priority for her.
- "We came through time, space, and the boundaries of fiction to see that?"
- When the kids are gathered around the sleigh at the end:
Mike: Yes, they all wanna see the sleigh, but only from the one particular side.(The sleigh disappears)Kids: It's gone! It's gone! It disappeared!Narrator: Like magic.Bill: Or crap!
- When the kazoo band strikes up "Old Man River", Kevin sings along:
Kevin: Ice Cream Bunny, the Ice Cream Bunny! He's made of ice cream, and he's a bunny!
- The entire scene with the witch:
Witch: You want me to make you a daughter?Mike: YES! You've been singing about it for ten minutes! I thought we were clear on this!
- Then the payment:
Witch: It will cost you twelve... pennies.Bill: (as the spinster) Twelve pennies for a human life!? I brought the deed to my house just for the down payment!
- After she gives the witch the pennies.
Bill: (as the spinster) Here you go. Don't spend it all at once. (beat) No, seriously, the cashier will be furious.
- Then the payment:
- Lampshading the fact that Surgeons Can Do Autopsies If They Want. "That's my diagnosis as a therapist... surgeon... researcher."
- During a debate over the fate of the deranged killer's corpse:
Ron Silver: This isn't right. This is illegal; this is immoral. We have a vegetable laying here on this table that was a human being with a mind as well as body.Bill: HE WAS A GREAT MAN!
- During the inevitable bar fight scene (hey, it's a Chuck Norris movie):
Bill:(as biker) Remember, attack him one at a time. We may be murderous bikers but we have some semblance of manners.
- The numerous jokes about Ron Silver's resemblance to Al Pacino.
(Silver's character walks into his basement, full of video and photography equipment)Mike: Ron Silver's gonna train hard, watch some Al Pacino game tape.
- Something that looks like a POV shot closes in on a house, but the villain shows up on screen briefly before exiting the frame.
Mike: Okay, he just left the frame so this POV shot couldn't possibly be his... Then, what, a bear? An unusually tall raccoon?
Super Mario Bros (1993)
- Mike: "Mommy, why is Mario wearing Dockers?"
Kevin: "I don't know, honey; I'm scared too!"
- When Mario falls and gets warped to the alternate dimension
Mario: (screams loudly)Kevin: He's actually voicing my one-word review of this movie! *screams for a very long time*
- During one scene with Yoshi:
Bill (as Yoshi, sadly): I turned down Jurassic Park for this. What was I thinking?
- After Koopa is finally defeated and everybody is cheering:
Mike: Bob Hoskins would never do another terrible movie again...Kevin and Bill: HOORAY!!!!Mike: ...until Spice World a few years later.Kevin and Bill (disappointedly): Awwww.....
- 2 years prior to the VOD being released, there was a YouTube video of their choice cuts if they riffed it. Moments include:
Kevin: This game is rated "C" for confusing sexual situations.
- During a dance sequence:
Mike: Huh. I guess we could've done this before he killed Toad.
- After Toad gets de-evolved, and after that, when Mario pushes Koopa onto the de-evolve chair:
Kevin: "There. There's fire here, and there was fire in the games."Bill: "That's a bit of a reach..."Kevin: "At this point I'll take what I can get."
- "Shigeru Miyamoto's tears?"
- During the club scene:
- Luigi watching TV:
Luigi: Oh, Mario, Mario, right now on "Miraculous World," this guy just found out that he was in another dimension.Bill (as John Leguizamo): One where audiences like me.
- Many, many comments about how the movie bears NO resemblance to the games:
Bill: "The Law & Order font really brings you into the whimsical world of Mario."
- Mike's impression of Yoko Ono singing the Miranda Rights to Mario and Luigi.
- The sudden appearance of a puddle of brown slime during Mario and Luigi's escape from the de-evolution chamber leads to a Running Gag about "patches of D" whenever de-evolution is brought up.
- When Luigi falls down a shaft and seemingly dies:
- On a similar note, during an escape/chase sequence, Bill starts singing the Super Mario theme song... before quickly transitioning to Yakkety Sax.
- Mike mentions how the car chase is just like Mario Kart except for a gigantic list of differences that show how good the MK games are. Then he finishes with
Mike: On the other hand, no fucking blue shells!
- Possibly one of the oddest, most disturbing bits in the whole show comes while Mario is slow dancing with the gargantuan bouncer lady:
Bill: (seductively) "I'm going to make the fanart of you and Birdo look like Family Circus cartoons, little man."
- Lena stabs Yoshi in the neck:
Mike: "And Mario's beloved sidekick is fatally wounded. You're welcome, kids!"Bill: (tearfully) "Mama!"
- On Bob Hoskin's career:
Kevin: "I don't know: I did Mermaids and then everything went to hell."
- In general, how about the fact that the riff makes way more references to the source material than the movie itself does.
- "I love that movie where Dennis Hopper put a Bob-Omb on a Bub-Us.
Swamp of the Ravens
- Seconds into the movie there's an obvious Special Effect Failure.
Bill: Man, that bright blue sky is really pouring rain.
- "No matter how many times you hear the 'human cadavers' speech, it never gets any easier, right guys? ...Guys?"
- The extended bit during the opening credits about the complicated story of the eponymous ravens' legal ownership status of the swamp.
- Let's just say the fact that there are zero ravens in the movie (the birds are clearly vultures) doesn't escape notice.
Bill: Damn ravens, with their ugly bald heads and their carrion scavenging!
- The "70s action detective show" theme for the leper, set to the rockin' version of the movie's theme song
Kevin: He's super groovy, he's got some great moves, he's the cat that they call the Leper!
- On the subject of a roadside flower stand
Mike: You call that a flower shop? Where's the fat doggy sitting on the counter?
- The detective chasing Frosta names the tools of his trade to his sidekick
Detective: Method and logic...Kevin: (as detective) Those are my favorite rappers.Detective: Method, and logic.Kevin: (as detective) Their beats be sick.
- Seeing Gene Kelly, Lauren Hutton, Red Buttons, and Leslie Nielsen makes Mike wonder if a Love Boat episode has broken out. Then...
Bill: Marjoe Gortner?! NOW it's a movie!Mike: The original Matthew McConaughey prototype!
- Many jokes at Gene Kelly's expense at having to appear in this schlock.
Mike: He's just biding his time til Xanadu.Kevin: (to the tune of Singin' in the Rain) I'm wreckin' my career...
- Several Running Gags, including Evel Knievel breaking the arm of a writer by repeatedly attacking him with an aluminum baseball bat, and the gratuitous appearances by Frank Gifford at Evel's jumps.
- When Knievel meets the Mexican Governor:
Mike: (as the governor) And you are the ambassador from...Kevin: (as Evel) Uh, I'm a motorcycle stuntman.Mike: Damn it! Why the hell are we honoring you?!
- Knievel apparently has a fierce rivalry with Whiplash the Monkey:
Frank Gifford: Ladies and gentlemen; the greatest and bravest showman in the world: Evel Knievel!Mike: Hearing that introduction, Whiplash the Monkey throws his hat on the ground, leaps off his dog's back, and tears into Evel's face like a banana salad!
- As Evel walks up to the mental hospital, an elderly patient in the background sees and clearly recognizes him
Bill: (as old man) It's Knievel McEvel, my favorite hamburger clown!
Warriors of the Wasteland
- A Call Back, of all things, to Birdemic.
Kevin: (singing) Just hanging out, hanging out, hanging out with my enemies, having ourselves a party!
- There is also a Call Back to The Room. When the film goes into a softcore Cinemax's style porn scene, Kevin exclaims, "Tommy Wiseau has ripped control of the film!" Naturally, Disembaudio walks in at this moment, just as he did in The Room, and once again calls the trio perverts.
- Wonder Women was the first Rifftrax VOD to feature topless nudity, which the guys ate up, though Mike admits it would have been sexier had they not been swimming in a pool full of blood.
Kevin: Hah! If I had a nipple for every movie that started with topless women...
- A little later:
Bill: This movie is its own Rule 34!
- A little later:
- On the Dragon Lady's assistant's smile:
Bill: (chuckling) His smile can light up an adult book store.
- During the cockfighting scene:
- As our hero for no reason tumbles down a flight of stairs.
Bill: I NEVER FIGURED OUT STAIIIIIRS!
- During the long foot race:
Mike: Dude, she's outrunning you in 3 inch heels! You're never allowed to mention your CIA badass status again.
- Then the classic moment during the chase:
Mike: Well, it's a dull chase, but at least we're getting a real sense of place, sights, people, lifestyle— (an Asian swamp eel slithers on the sidewalk by the camera) —OH MY! OH MOTHER OF GOD WHAT WAS THAT THAT THING?!Kevin: And why aren't people screaming at the monster that slithered by?!Bill: Some kind of a land eel or rare delicacy?!Kevin: A remote controlled gila monster tail?!Mike: I'm going to go with Cthulhu's dick!Bill: Seems right - Cthulhu's dick it is.
- As a car crashes into an ox-drawn carriage.
Mike: Oh, dear.
- As Ross Hagen has "brain sex":
- During the closing chess scene:
Kevin: He should have known something was up when her eHarmony profile just said, "Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhh-huh?"Bill: (as Ross Hagen) Ah, Blumenfeld's Gambit! Very clever, madam. Allow me to counter with... my penis.Mike: She's Kristen Stewart in a blonde wig, isn't she?