Funny: Rifftrax Film Franchises
Funny moments from the RiffTrax of entries in popular film franchises.
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Note: The Batman and Robin 1949 shorts can be found in Live Shows and Shorts. Batman And Robin
- A choice selection can be found here. But for specifics...
Mr. Freeze: I hate it when people talk during the movie!Bill: Uh, hey guys, can he hear us?Mike: Could be worse...he used to be able to see us, too.Bill: Good point.
Robin: I want a car!Mike: I gave you a bus pass; wasn't that good enough?Robin: Chicks dig the car!Batman: This is why Superman works alone.Bill: Actually it's because of his crippling Asperger's Syndrome.
- I'm George Clooney and I'm...sorry.
Mike: (during the opening Lock and Load Montage) You didn't accidentally rent Butt-Man & Robin, did you?Kevin: Come on, Mike; I wouldn't make that mistake a third time!Poison Ivy: First...I'll rid myself of the fur and feathered pests...Bill: She's gonna bomb AnthroCon?Mad Scientist: I have created viaducts into the most primitive part of his brain —Mike: The gonads!Poison Ivy: I am Nature’s arm! Her spirit! *crash* Her will! *crash*Bill: Her PMS!
- "Sorry we didn't get there in time to prevent the murder of thousands, Commissioner Gordon! We were waiting for the car to slowly spiral out of the floor!"
- "The ice-man cometh!" "The audience goeth!"
- "So where did [Mr. Freeze] get these guys, anyway? Was there an ad that said, "WANTED: THUGS. Must Be Skilled in Hockey and Stunt Skating. Obedience Required — Enthusiasm A Plus!"?
- About Mr. Freeze's pointy-mobile:
Kevin: It looks like a Dalek that went to Hot Topic.
- (Frozen phonebooth) "NO! Not the TARDIS!!!
- Don't forget this little exchange:
Kevin: Okay, spiky gloves?Bill: Check.Kevin: Impractical heels?Bill: Check.Kevin: Gorgeous ass?Bill: Check.Kevin: And of course, the rubber nipp—hey!Bill: Booo...Double Standard!
- "Quick Robin, he's heading into Narnia!" "We're seeing the clouds of cocaine that fueled the script-writing session behind this movie."
- "Bat Skates, Bat Bombs, what's next, Shark Repellant?"
- Also, this bit:
Bruce: Is it always my way or the highway?Alfred: Why yes, actually.Bill: PWNED!Mike: Uh, actually, you don't pronounce the P, it's just "Owned".Bill: ...And how do you know that, Mike?Mike: I-I was guessing...Bill: Yeah right! NERD! (laughs) PWNED!Mike: Okay, now you're just doing that on purpose!
- "Uh oh, they're gonna start humping the aquarium..."
- At the auction:
Poison Ivy: Some lucky boy's about to hit the honeypot.Bill: Oh bother!
- "Yes! Now to fulfill my lifelong dream of shooting a man into space and forcing him to watch really bad movies!"
Kevin: (as the rocket smashes through the museum's skylight) If you want to view paradise~
- This little homage after Bane is first created: "Now we'll put boxing gloves on his hands, sit him in front of a computer and force him to answer emails!"
- Their mocking of the Chechen's bizarre accent, rendering the fearsome Eastern European mobster as Pingu.
- (Alfred enters a shipping crate to get to the new Batman lair)
Kevin: (as Alfred) Mr. Nolte, your morning litre of drug store vodka sir.Mike: (as Nick Nolte, in a deep gravely voice) Just put it next to my early morning litre of drug store vodka...Kevin: (as Alfred) The empty one sir?Mike: (as Nolte) Yeah, you got it.Bill: Nick Nolte sounds like Batman!(Mike and Kevin laugh)Mike: .... You don't think?...(all gasp)
- Jokes made at the expense of Aaron Eckhart's "chin ass."
"His chin ass is obscene!""Bet his chin butt raises food safety issues.""His hatchet-jaw easily cuts through the thickest crowds."
- Dent speaking of Gordon's plan to take down the mob:
Dent: It's bold.Mike: We're talking barbecue sauce bold!
- During Batman's Hong Kong mission: "A hostage situation has developed at Nakatomi Plaza."
- "Judge Grandma, serves brownies and justice piping hot."
- Bruce Wayne knocks out Harvey Dent:
Rachel: What are you doing?Bill: He's mine, damn it!
- When Bruce Wayne encounters one of Joker's thugs:
Joker Mook: Hands up, pretty boy!
- "Then you're gonna love me... people say I have a puckish sense of feistiness that's irresistible."
- Bill's overjoyed exclamation of Krankor?! when the Joker's sarcastic laughter interrupts the mob meeting.
- From Batman's interrogation of Maroni:
Batman: "SOMEONE KNOWS WHERE HE IS!"Bill: "RAWR!"
- When Harvey claims to be Batman:
Kevin: "Don't act so surprised, after all that was part of his campaign slogan."Mike: "And what did you think the 'B' in Harvey B. Dent stood for? Milhouse?"
- During the street chase:
"What the hell is that?""It's a windshield, Bob!"As the Tumbler smashes through a wall: "OH YEAH!"
- The RT crew chuckling during Batman's "WHERE ARE THEY!?" screams as they literally feel the effects of narm. Results in a running gag throughout the rest of the commentary.
Kevin: You wonder if he's thinking "WHERE AM I?!"
- Kevin: You ever wonder if Batman ever gets lost on the road and has to ask On-Star "WHERE ARE THEY!?"
- When Harvey Dent wakes up in the warehouse:
- The "WHERE ARE THEY!?" became a Running Gag during the Batman serial as well.
- "...and I won't kill you, because I liked you in Newsies."
- The Joker explaining his madness:
Joker: Do you know why I use a knife?Mike (as Joker): Because soup tastes better when it's difficult.
- When the Joker slides down that massive mountain of the mob's money:
Bill: He's the first non-duck to amass enough wealth to do that.
- What diverts the police convoy into the ambush is a burning fire truck in the middle of the road. Clearly, the annual Police vs. Firemen softball tournament ends horribly, again.
- When the title appears at the end, and the trio presumes the movie was filmed backwards, wondering what kind of crazy director would film their movie backwards...
- The Movie Referee.
Harvey: "...You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain."[Whistle!]Bill: "Foreshadowing penalty; clumsy sentence; seating plot point; makes no sense; fifteen yards; repeat third down."
- During the scene with Rachel and Harvey tied up.
(Close-up on the bomb countdown.))Rachel: "Harvey, calm down."''Will counting down from forty help?"
Rachel: Can anybody hear me?!
Mike: For the last time, NO!
- "During the scene on the ferries:
Passenger (a woman with dreadlocks): Go ahead, do it!
Mike: Ms. Cleo commands you!
- The Joker presents his ultimatum to the mob:
Gambol: "You're crazy!"The Joker: "No I'm not. No I'm not."Kevin: "Well, I'm convinced!"
- As the Joker walks away from the exploding hospital
Bill: "Single-payer healthcare; day one."
- Once the hospital does explode, the riffers comments that in Gotham City, giant explosions seem to be as common as walkathons. Or, the riffers deciding, when the explosives momentarily pause, that the Joker's thinking he shouldn't have bought his explosives on Craigslist.
- Singing the TV series' theme (and saying a few onomatopeias) over the party brawl.
- As Two-Face holds a crying twelve-year-old at gunpoint right in front of his parents:
Bill: "I'm so tired of these lighthearted popcorn movies."
- The Joker surprises Dent while dressed in a nurse's uniform.
Joker: "Hi."Mike: "I've been told someone needs a sponge bath."
- The Harry Potter series as a whole has a long Running Gag of referring to Hogwarts as a Satan-worshipping Death Trap, given all the accidents, attacks, teachers being evil, etc.
- After Hagrid breaks down the door
Bill: (in a Monstrous Voice)'' Can I interest you in some girl scout cookies??
- And when Hagrid enters:
Bill: Bonesaw is READY... to be the father you never had.
- "His jammies show that he means business."
- "And standing in for Dumbledore is the embalmed corpse of Dumbledore."
- "Now shut up and kiss me." Made even funnier by Bill's pitch-perfect Alan Rickman impersonation.
- "Somewhere out there, beneath the paaaale moonliiiight..."
- In Diagon Alley, from the owls: "Go to the Rats of NIMH!"
- After Hermione cast a full body-bind curse on Neville
"Anyone else want to be a hero?"
- Mike: WE DON'T NEED NO wizard EDUCATION!
- Upon meeting Hagrid:
Harry: Excuse me...Bill: Could you please kill these horrible people?
- Bill: Gringotts spelled backwards is "Sttognirg"!
- During the sorting ceremony:
Sorting Hat: Hufflepuff!Bill: Or is it Floofenpoof? I don't know; I'm drunk!
- The first Quidditch match:
Kevin: On my signal, untether Purgatory!Bill: Or unleash hell.
- The numerous Nazi jokes they make at Malfoy, particularly this moment after Gryffindor wins the Quidditch match and it shows Draco looking really upset:
Kevin (as Draco Malfoy): "What will mein führer say!?"
- When McGonagall turns from cat to human in the classroom:
Mike: Meeorowrning, class!
- "Come join us, son... Join us..."
- Draco summoning his broomstick:
Mike: Sieg heil—I mean, up!
- Quirrell: TROLL IN THE DUNGEON!
Kevin: Troll in the dungeon and pumpkins in the sky!
Mike: More like "gin in the teacher."
- Snape: What would three young Gryffindors such as yourselves be doing inside... on a day like this?
Bill (as Harry): We were going to eat Dinty Moore straight from the can and leer at the Victoria's Secret catalogue. Oh wait, that's you, Professor!
- When Hagrid first mentions Nicholas Flamel.
Hagrid: What that dog is guarding is strictly between Professor Dumbledore & Nicholas Flamel.Mike: Who we know now is Dumbledore's boyfriend.
- During the life-size wizard chess game:
Ron: Once I make my move, the queen will take me.Bill: A phrase uttered nightly by George Michael.
Bill: Hmm, Ron's gonna die of old age before the queen gets to him.
- When the queen piece approaches Ron:
Harry: RON!!!!Bill (as Harry): Is what I meant to shout five seconds ago!
- And then...
- During the Finger Poke of Doom scene:
Kevin: (as Voldemort's face) "Okay, what's happening? Are we winning? What's that smell?"
- When Hermione is moping in the restroom
Kevin: It's never a good sign when you leave the stall crying.
- Harry holds the Sorcerer's (Philosopher's) Stone while Voldemort's smoky spirit appears behind him.
Bill: Now it's just you and me, baby, no more stupid Voldemort — Oh he's right behind me isn't he? This is awkward.
Bill: Do I get lung cancer from this?Mike: Kids, if a smoke wizard ever touches you in a way that doesn't feel right, tell a responsible adult.
- Also after Voldemort's spirit passes through Harry, knocking him out.
- When it looks like Slytherin is going to win the House Cup AGAIN, Bill is irate:
Bill: What?! They're in last?! But that's our heroes! IT can't be!Mike: Relax, Bill. It'll work out.Bill: But HOW?! They're so far behind!Kevin: Don't get worked up, Bill. Trust us.Bill: Stupid house cup. This is a travesty! Stupid old snake kids are gonna win!
- Bill: AND RAVENCLAW! NAME ONE KID IN RAVENCLAW! Yeah I didn't think so.
- When Oliver is explaining the "easy" rules of Quidditch to Harry:
Oliver: Each team has seven players: three chasers, two beaters, one keeper, and a seeker.Kevin: [imitating accent] Oh, and uh, three cheesemongers, fourteen alphabetizers, and uh, one highlander, because [chuckles] there can be only one.
- "Bet you can't guess how drunk we are!"
- "Ron! Fred! George!" "Ringo!"
- When Harry is escaping from the window
Mike (as Uncle Vernon): * quick yawn* Bacon sandwiches, is that you?...Mike: Pork where you are, in the name of gravy!Kevin: (falling out the window) Tell sausage I love IT!!
- Hagrid's reply after being asked why he was in Knockturn Alley:
Hagrid: I was looking for... flesh-eating slug repellant.Bill: (As Hagrid)Not hookers.Hagrid: They've been eating the school cabbages.Bill: (As Hagrid)Definitely not hookers.
- On Gilderoy Lockhart's introduction:
Mike: Yes, treat your family and friends to the flavor of traditional Northern Irish ham.Gilderoy: "When Harry walked into Flourish and Blotts this morning-"Mike: "He tried to knee me in the groin and rightly so."
- "Charlotte's funeral service just let out."
- Upon finding Mrs. Norris petrified:
Filch: You've murdered my cat.Mike: You shall become my new cat.
Dumbledore: Everyone will proceed to their dormitories immediately.Bill: Lock up your cats!Dumbledore: Everyone except you three.Mike: Uh, Larry, Don, and the Mudblood.
- This line
Dumbledore: (about Mrs Norris the cat) Shes not dead Argus.Kevin: She's CATatonic! .... sorry
- (on Harry speaking parseltongue) "I believe that translates to "Watch out for snakes."
- The disclaimers about Quidditch:
Mike: Quidditch: it's like the WNBA divided by curling!Kevin: Quidditch: it's what your wife sees when you make her watch baseball!Bill: Quidditch: there's actually videos of people trying to play it on Youtube!Bill: Quidditch: take NASCAR, subtract the drunks, sunburn, and Confederate flags, but yet still somehow make it much, much worse.
- (of Malfoy) "Boy, is my face punchable!"
- When Snape hurls Lockhart to the ground during the duel session:
Hermione: Do you think he's all right?Ron: Who cares?Mike: I came for blood!
- Harry, Ron, and Hermione run into Harry's room to find everything messed up.
Mike: (as Hedwig, perched nonchalantly on the nightstand) Okay, I did it. I was bored. Hoo.
- "Check, pleeease."
- "For God's sake, CHEEEEECK."
- "The Justice League of Hogwarts answers the call!"
- As Harry flails wildly with his sword during the battle with the basilisk.
Mike: (laughs) Nice sword work, Harry. Skip fencing, too, I see.Kevin: Oh no, he went, but his instructor was Mr. Bean.
- As Harry stabs the diary Horcrux:
Kevin: (as Tom Riddle) Ooh, when I turned myself into a book, I never imagined for a moment that books could be damaged!Bill: I should have laminated myself!
- "Sweep the leg, Draco."
- Any time any of the riffers mimic's Dumbledore's wheezing.
- Commentary on the general cruelty of the wizarding world, such as
McGonagall: "Today we will be transforming animals into water-goblets."Kevin: "Why? Because we can! Mwehehehehe!"
- On the enchanted diary:
Bill: "Buy the new bestseller by Tom Clancy, "Dangerous Fearful Danger." It will literally BLOW UP YOUR HOUSE!"
- Dumbledore: [Raspy] In the past few hours...
*WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZE*"Did he just die right there?"
- Dumbledore: "All exams have been canceled."
Bill: "Head out into the world as the uneducated rabble that you are, see if I give a tin-shilling. That's right, whoop it up. You RETARDS!"
- Harry opening the snake door with Parseltongue:
Mike: For God—you just said "Door the open!" Your snake is terrible!Kevin: You know, we had a screen door just like this at our cabin, my mom must have told me a hundred times, "Don't slam the (makes Parseltongue sounds)!"
- The endless round of applause that closes the film is taken to its logical conclusion: the whole hall has been cursed to applaud for eternity, or at least until their deaths.
Mike: I can't even remember a time before we started cheering, what madness drives us on?!
- After Hermione freezes the pixies Lockhart let loose:
Neville: (hanging from the chandelier by the collar of his shirt) Why is it always me?Mike: Biddle-ee-bink-dee-bink, boing! And now can we PLEASE HAVE A STORY?!
- Ron's curse:
Ron: Eat slugs!Mike: Magic words: they're Latin except when they're not.
- About Moaning Myrtle:
Bill: It's Harry in a wig, isn't it?
- After the spider scene:
Harry: "Hagrid didn't open the Chamber of Secrets. He was innocent."Mike: "We have the word of a hideously giant spider that tried to eat us and that's good enough for me."
- "I'm a faucet, I actually don't understand any language."
- Hagrid: "The owl carrying my release papers got all lost and confused..."
Bill: "Accidentally released a half-a-dozen unrepentant serial killers instead."
- After Malfoy calls Hermione a mudblood, which greatly upsets her, the crew repeatedly refers to her as "Muddy."
- As Harry and Ron escape the giant spiders in a magic car:
Kevin (in a very posh British accent): "The Dukes of Hazzard: U.K. version."Mike (the same) "With actual dukes!"'Bill (ditto) "About this time the Duke boys had got themselves into a mess-o-trouble."
- When Tom Riddle (aka Voldemort) summons the basilisk by speaking in Parseltongue:
Bill: "Yeah, he just asked him to "embroider your kidney". Does ANYONE speak REAL snake around here?!"
- When Ron and Harry are talking with Myrtle:
Ron: "But it can't hurt you? I mean, you're already dead..."Kevin: (as Myrtle lunges at him) "I WILL EAT YOUR SOUL!"
- "Grasp your Mandrake!" "But never in public!"
- "If you bring me flesh I will do your bidding."
- "Hermione casts the 'give Ron a boner' spell."
- Mike's Dementor song.
- The whole song scene, but especially Bill's riff on the toad at the end.
- Bill: [as a student] Aw, were going to have so much fun! Which classes are you taking- AAAH MY SOUL!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!
- The boggart scene.
Lupin: Luckily, a very simple spell exists to repel a boggart.Kevin: Yeah, you beat it with a tire iron.Lupin: Picture your grandmother's clothes, only her clothes.Mike: Now imagine them crumpled in the corner of my bedroom, hehehe.
- The truth comes out:
Hermione: (pointing at Lupin) He's a werewolf! That's why he's been missing classes.Mike: (as Lupin) Well, I'm a werewolf who smokes a lot of dope, and that's why I've been missing classes.
- When bowing to Buckbeak:
Hagrid: Nice and low...Mike: OH GOD, no, not THAT low!
Bill: Oh God, no, not THAT STILL! RUN!
- When Hagrid tells Harry to stand still:
- After Hermione punches Malfoy:
Hermione: That felt good.Ron: Not good: BRILLIANT!Bill: Yes, truly a masterful work of genius. Compared to you, Goethe was a moron. Next to your punching Malfoy in the nose, Bach's cello suites are like a small pool of vomit!
- Lupin: I've looked worse; believe me.
Mike: I don't; sorry.
- During a shot of Sirius in prison:
- Mike's mix of the Dementors and Oompa-Loompas.
Mike (quietly and sinisterly): E-vil, E-vil, Learn to be E-vil, Evil is fun and Doompity-Doo...''
- While Harry is flying on Buckbeak: "Meanwhile, sitting at home in his underwear, surrounded by empty beer cans, the kid who played Eragon hurls a whisky bottle at his TV."
- Comments on the horrifically dangerous Quidditch match:
Kevin: "So you need parental permission to go ob a visit to the toffee shop, but for Quidditch, the less parents know the better."Bill: "This is terrible! Having to write that paper on werewolves I mean."
- Hagrid tosses Buckbeak a ferret.
Kevin: Have a rat, Buckbeak.Mike (As Ron): SCABBERS!!
- The entire scene with Sirius and Remus in the Shrieking Shack. The crew points out several times how over-the-top the acting is and at one point Sirius says "Hey, leave some scenery for me to chew!"
- "If you see a fading sign at the side of the road, it's just 15 miles to the SHRIEKING SHACK!"
- When Harry, Ron, and Hermione are trying to ask Dumbledore to convince everyone that Sirius is innocent
Dumbledore: But I'm sorry to say the word of three thirteen-year-old wizards will convince few others.Mike: Well, two and a half, actually. Mudblood. *clears throat*
- Mike doing a pretty good impression of Kris Kristofferson.
Mike: Before long, Harry's life had spiraled out of control. He was addicted to magic mushrooms, drinking Magic Hat beer and constantly playing Magic: The Gathering.
- The whole scene where Harry is fighting off the Monster Book of Monsters, where the Riffers try to figure out what the book is supposed to be, from Ted Nugent's cookbook, to a Jim Henson memoir, and ending with Mike's suggestion that it's a collection of biting satire.
- This moment:
Hermione: (about Black being sentenced to a dementor kiss) They're going to suck out his soul.
(Dumbledore immediately bursts through the door)
Mike (as Dumbledore) DID SOMEBODY SAY SUCK?
- Buckbeak's execution when Kevin decides to sing along to the music, prompting utter fury from Bill.
- On Harry's fear of Dementors:
Prof. Lupin: I'm very impressed. That suggests that what you fear most of all... is fear itself. This is very wise.Mike: In fact it seems kind of LIFTED FROM SOMEWHERE!
- When Cedric Diggory (played by Robert Pattinson) shows up the first time:
Mike: Ahh! Undead!Bill: Quick! Fall in love with it! Ahh!Kevin: Make that love codependent and brooding! Ahh!Mike: I'm very mumbly and pause-filled! Ahhhhhhhhhh!Bill and Kevin: AHHHHHHHHH!
- [Moody transforms Draco into a ferret]
Moody: I'll teach you to curse someone while their back is turned!
- After the ferret episode:
Malfoy: "My father will hear of this!"Kevin: "Yeah, when he sees the headline "Douche Humiliated"."
- "CSI: Burwick-Upon-Tweed"
- Bill (as Dumbledore): "I will now fight the big lady to the death!"
- As Moaning Myrtle flirts shamelessly with a bathing Harry:
Harry: "Myrtle..."Bill: "Why aren't you in Hell?"
- Bill: "The collective might of the Wizarding World is helpless against six bad guys."
- David Tennant appears on screen:
Kevin: Hey, it's Doctor... Uh...Mike: Who.Kevin: I'm trying to remember, give me a second.
- Kevin's interpretation of Roger Lloyd Pack's appearance of Barty Crouch Sr. looking like Hitler and then proceeding to act as such.
- Barty Crouch Sr.: The rules are absoluteKevin (in a German accent): We must ANNEX THE SUDETENLAND!!!Barty Crouch Sr.: The Goblet of Fire constitutes a binding magical contract.Bill (in a German accent): Like the Munich Agreement.Barty Crouch Sr.: Mr. Potter has no choice. He is...as of tonight...Mike (in a German accent): Our new fuhrer!!!
- Cedric Diggory's memorial service
- Dumbledore: I think therefore you have the right to know how he died.Kevin: Let's see, he was zapped by a fat, bucked-toothed man holding an evil baby.
- Alastor Moody's first Defense Against the Dark Art's class
- Alastor Moody: YOU NEED TO KNOW WHAT YOU'RE UP AGAINST, YOU NEED TO BE PREPARED...Bill: YOU NEED TO OVERACT, YOU NEED TO PUSH. THE LIMITS. OF HAMMINESS!!!
- Also during that first class
Moody: Any questions?
- Before the second task
- Bill: Longbottom's transformation into Oscar Wilde is right on schedule.Mike: There's a schedule for that does it?Bill: Very rigorous.
- When Harry is having a nightmare (he's lying in bed, eyes closed, sweating and shifting):
- Mike: I get it, he's lonely! We don't need to see how he deals with it!
- During Moody's class on the Unforgivable Curses:
- Moody: Give us a curse.Bill (as Ron): Uh...Sugartits?
- The Overly Long Gag about Cho and Harry's conversation at the Owlery concerning Cho's Chinese and Scottish heritage that is, in essence, the Black Vikings trope Played for Laughs:
- Kevin: She's from the Highlands of China! Hard to eat haggis with chopsticks!Bill: Is your family tartan just solid red or...?Cho: I'm sorry, I didn't catch that.Bill: Maybe if you repeat it through a bagpipe?Harry: I just wondered if you wanted to go to the ball with me?Bill: Ye see, I'm washin' mah kilt that night? You know, 'cause she's Scottish?
- This scene right after the Goblet is introduced
- The scene where Rita Skeeter is interviewing Harry.
- Rita: (after Harry insists he didn't enter his name) Right. Of course you didn't. *winks*Bill (as Rita): Then how do you explain this entry form with your name misspelled in Voldemort's handwriting?!
- Seeing Voldebaby for the first time:
- Bill: BURP ME, DAMNIT!
- When a firework goes off
- Bill: My god, the explosion just killed two students!Mike: What House were they in?Bill: Ravenclaw!Mike: Eh, throw a tarp over 'em.
- Before the movie starts, the crew compares Richard Harris's performance of Dumbledore with Michael Gambon's.
- Bill: Yeah, they did a little Dumbledore upgrade. The last model sounded like this, Kevin?Kevin: (in a very dry, raspy voice) H.. Harry? Haaary Potter? Could you possibly spare any moisture? I'm feeling a bit desiccated at the moment.Mike: Right. And now he sounds like a drunken, bellowing Irishman. Bill?Bill: Jeez, Mike, so I had a little fun at your son's communion party. I replaced the window, I steam-cleaned the couch, what else do... Oh, you're talking about Michael Gambon. Oh. Well the new Dumbledore sounds something like this. Gryffindor! Hufflepuff! Parseltongue, Imperius, Horcrux, Animaaaaagus! Durmstrang Institute of Sorcery, Crookshanks and Blastended S-<Belch!>
- When Harry walks past Snape's office and Snape suddenly pops out:
- Snape: Potter! What's... your... hurry.
- When Wormtail kills Cedric Diggory:
- Mike: Well, that was a thousand times more tasteful than his death in Remember Me.
- When Cedric's dad, Amos, goes to his son's corpse:
- Bill (as Amos): "I'm late for the grieving father scene!"
- On the Indian Patil twins:
Mike: (as Harry) "Mm, looks like curry is on the menu..."
- Dumbledore: Albus... Percival... Wulfric... Brian... Dumbledore.
Kevin: The third... Esquire... Jr.......Mrs.
- [During Fudge's press interview]
Fudge: The Ministry of Magic is pleased to announce the appointment of Dolores Jane Umbridge as High Inquisitor, to address the falling standards at Hogwarts School. Having already revolutionized the teaching of Defense Against the Dark Arts-Bill: Yes, but what about the rumors of gas shortages?Kevin: Mr. Minister do you have a comment on the wizard genocide in Africa?Mike: [as Fudge] Please keep all questions to the matter of staffing the local boarding school.
- Mike: The Floo Network, it's like the Food Network but, instead of cooking, it's people shivering and running to the bathroom.
- [In Dumbledore's office]
Harry: LOOK AT ME!Bill: A phrase that sums up the life of Paris Hilton.Harry: What's happening to me?Kevin: A phrase that sums up the life of Lindsay Lohan.
- [After the climatic battle in the Ministry of Magic]
Mike: [as Dumbledore] So Harry, how are your classes going?
- "Good morning, evil grandma!"
- This bit:
Ron: Who are you and what have you done with Hermione Granger?Bill: I AM THE DEMON BELPHEGOR!!! Wha - whoops! I mean - I mean no one! Nothing!
- They have a lot of fun with Luna Lovegood.
Harry: Your feet, are they cold?"Kevin: "Cold is just a state of mind, like happiness, or penguins."
- Bill: "I only eat moonbeams."
- Bill: "If the cafeteria ever ran out of pudding, I'd kill everyone in the school. Bye."
- As Harry enters Umbridge's office:
Mike: (as a kitten plate) "Hi. Welcome to Hell."
- Harry puts on his glasses
Mike:(As Harry) Dumbledore, shouldn't we have a spell that fixes eyesight? It seems like that...Kevin: MORE CHOCOLATE FROGS AND BOOGER FLAVORED JELLY BEANS!
- "And somewhere on the internet a new fanfic pairing is born"
- "Sometimes you just need a good burp to get out the Dark Lord"
- When Fred and George suddenly Apparate right next to Harry:
Kevin: "Gah! Avada Kedavra!"
- A small, but great bit comes when they suddenly have Umbridge hiss at Fred and George.
- When Harry walks into the dorm room
Mike (as Harry): Alright, let's get one thing straight, this year I run this dorm. Your parents send you cookies, half go to ME. Anyone wants cigarettes, you go through ME. You need a hooker... actually, Dobby handles that. Everything else? ME.
- Bill: "*bleep* you and *bleep* your notes."
- When the Death Eaters hold Harry's friends hostage to get him to hand the prophecy over to Lucius Malfoy.
Bill (As Harry): 'Kay, I'll do it if your henchmen accidentally Avada Kadavra-s Ron. Deal?
- Just about all their lines referring to Filch and how utterly, utterly repugnant he is
Mike: (as Filch after he discovers a spiked box of heart shaped chocolates) Well someone wants to bite of a hunk of the old Filchster huh? well who can blame em
All Three: (start out humming to the background music, but suddenly, as they see a horrifyingly pimpled Filch) AAAAAAAAARRRRHHHH!!! ''(one of the pimples bursts, shooting pus into the camera) AAAAARRGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!Kevin: Well I knew it had to happen sooner or later, time to gouge my eyes out with a broken bottle! (sound of smashing glass)Bill: KEVIN NO! NO!Kevin: I CANT TAKE THE CHANCE THAT I WOULD EVER HAVE TO LOOK AT THAT AGAIN!!
- And immediately afterwards
- The awkward moment where Harry and Kreacher meet in a hallway prompts Bill to compare it to whenever he and Kevin meet in a hotel hallway.
- After Dumbledore's dramatic escape from Umbridge and the ministry
Kingsley Shacklebolt: You may not like him, Minister, but you can't deny: Dumbledore's got style.Bill: Noted, man who dresses like a purple crayon.
- Hermoine: "If I were you, when he's around, I'd keep the snogging to a minimum."
Mike: "And stop wearing that shirt that says 'Doing Ron's sister.'"
- Dumbledore: "Harry, do as I say."
Mike: "The Harry Potter series summed up in five words.''
- Any time in the series Mike shows off his Snape impression but especially later in the series:
Snape: Take out . . your wand.'Mike: (as Snape): And do it . . quickly.
- Bill: "Luna Lovegood: really just a good old fashioned stoner."
- Bill: "You stupid ginger son of a *beep*"
- Snape stands staring out of a window while it's raining
Bill (as Snape): It's... raining... men... hallelujah.
- When Ron almost dies of poisoning:
Slughorn: To life!Bill: And to Ron's death! Also good.
Mike: And so dies on of screen histories most orange characters...
- When Lavender runs out of the hospital wing, brokenhearted and crying...
Kevin: Yeah, 10 bucks says she's making out with Neville by dinner.
- At the end of the tampered memory:
Slughorn: I didn't know about such things. And if I did, I wouldn't tell you. Now get out of here at once, and never mention it again!Bill (as Slughorn): And don't come back until our brunch tomorrow!
- When Harry and Dumbledore see the true memory of Slughorn explaining Horcruxes to Tom Riddle (aka Voldemort).
Slughorn: A Horcrux is an object in which a person has concealed... part of their soul.Bill: Like a My Little Pony diary.
- When Snape reveals that he is "The Half Blood Prince":
Bill (as Snape): That's — that's my entire reveal? Not even going to explain what the hell "Half Blood Prince" even means? You know what? I'm glad there's only one of these left.Mike (as crew member offscreen): We're splitting it into two movies!Bill (as Snape): Damn... it.
- When Harry, Ron and Hermione infiltrate the Death Eater-controlled Ministry of Magic while disguised as various staff members, and come across a statue:
Harry: Are those—Hermione: Muggles. (voice breaking) In their... "rightful place"....Bill: Inside a grilled cheese sandwich?
- When Harry, Ron and Hermione are teleported to the beach near Shell Cottage:
Kevin (on the warping sound effect) Sounds like someone dropped a manatee out from a helicopter.
Hermione: Why would someone draw in a children's' book?
- When Harry finds the sword of Gryffindor at the bottom of the pond:
Harry: Accio Sword.Mike: Huh, nothing. Ok, let me try this then. Uh, give me the BEEPing sword!
- After Harry, Ron and Hermione are caught by the Snatchers and taken to Malfoy Manor...
Lucius Malfoy: You dare to talk to me like THAT IN MY OWN HOUSE?!Bill: Sounds like me to the clown at my son's birthday party.
- During the scene where Ron returns with Harry:
Bill: And they [Harry, Ron, Hermione] silently stared at each other for the rest of the movie...
- When Bellatrix brutally interrogates Hermione:
Bill: Hmm, seen worse on Tattoo Nightmares.
- When we see that Bellatrix has carved "Mudblood" (the racist term for Wizards who have non-magical parents) on Hermione's arm after interrogating her...
- "Is Griphook going to have to choke a witch?"
- The guys doing The Lord of the Rings theme while during one of the landscape shots while Harry, Ron and Hermione wander through the countryside while hunting for Horcruxes.
- The return of the "I want to chomp into your throat" song from Twilight, where Ron attempts to sing it to Hermione with significantly less success than Edward.
Raiders of the Lost Ark
- A lot of it can be found here.
- "Gestapo Pizza!"
- "They've seig-heil'd so many times, the words have lost all meaning."
- "The gasoline! What will power our Nazi go-karts?"
- "Private Otto has burnt the bratwurscht again! Shoot him!"
- "The idol is mooning us with full cheek spread!"
- "So it's one tug for I found it, two tugs for The mummy is real and absorbing my soul."
- "Please, sir, don't steal our horse!" "Ram it, Osama!" "He's our only means of getting water! Without him, we will all die, sir!"
- "And Al Qaeda is born."
- "Indiana Jones, meet Dusseldorf Strauss!"
Dietrich: I am uncomfortable with the thought of this Jewish ritual.
Mike: I like my foreskin!
- "The funeral of Gary Coleman was a sad affair."
- During the bar fight: "Oh good, a... pirate".
- "Forgive me, father, I killed, like, eight guys today...hey, kid! Get out of my confessional!" "This is our kitchen." "No, you're drunk!" "Daddy!"
- "It's filled with Skittles!"
- "Grandpa tried to light the grill again."
- "Hey boss! Guess what? (THUD) I'm dead."
- "All these people do is get stoned out of their gourd and laugh like the Predator!"
- "Oh great, fanboys! Look, I've told you: I don't give a damn who shot first!"
- *WHAM* "AAAAAAAAAAAGGHHH" "GO PACKERS!"
- "Hitler, crazy? That's a reach."
- When the two Nazis call Sallah off the hill, Kevin and Bill make up translations:
Kevin: Hey! Get away from that top secret area that we inexplicably left unguarded.Bill: That hole that anyone can walk up to and jump into holds the key to our ENTIRE operation!Kevin: Now kindly follow us further away from the hole so we can lock you up in a prison that we don't really guard either.
- When the truck blows up and he thought Marion was killed in it:
Indy: "Marion...!"Bill: "She was holding the room key...! Oh no, that's right I asked for it back. Great."
- As soon as the film starts, we get: "And we're back with Indiana Jones and the Goblet of Fire."
- Sung to the classic Indiana Jones theme as Indy "runs" on top of crates escaping gunfire:
Mike: Here we go nooow,Really slooow,'Nearly limping!Cause he's old, old, OLD!Old, old, old, old, old, old oooooold!
- The grand marshal of this year's gay pride parade, Shia LaBeouf!
- Man, that guy is begging for suicide by Ent!
- On Cate Blanchett's accent:
Indy: You're not from around here, are you?Spalko: Where is it you would imagine I am from, Dr. Jones?Kevin Murphy: I'm guessing the Bullwinkle Show.Indy: Well, the way you're sinking your teeth into those wubble-u's, I should think maybe Eastern Ukraine.Mike Nelson: Hm, I was thinking Fake-istan.
- Any of the cracks the guys make about Oxley being insane and smelly.
- After the "Nuke the fridge" scene, Kevin observes: "Okay, I guess for the rest of the movie, Indy battles bone cancer."
- When Dr. freaking Jones pronounces the word "nuclear" as "nu-cue-ler", Kevin says: "Nu-cue-ler: you might as well put it in the dictionary!"
- After Indy pulls the blowing-the-dart-back-at-the-native trick:
Mike: (as the native) Oh! Loading the darts in backwards was a poor decision!
- As the water is carrying the group to safety;
Mike: Oxley! I just swam through a warm spot!Bill: (mimicking Oxley's voice) I got scared, I'm sorry.
- During the ant sequence, when a Soviet soldier gets eaten by ants:
Bill: Why did I use honey as a sunscreen?!
Lord of the Rings
The Fellowship of the Ring
- During the battle in the prologue
Mike (as Elrond): "Uh-oh. They've invented the tank. Pack it in, boys."Kevin: "That'd be it."
- "DOG-PILE ON ISILDUR!"
- During Bilbo's eleventy-first birthday party:
Bilbo: I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.
Mike: But I like half-and-half twice as much as whole milk and half as much as skim.
- When the Ringwraiths attack Bree:
Aragorn: I know what hunts you.
Mike: And his name is Fudd.
- During Galadriel and Frodo's mirror conversation:
Galadriel: I know what you saw.
Kevin (as Galadriel): You filthy little man.
- Gandalf's arrival:
Frodo: You're late.
Mike: And you're short, but tomorrow I'll wake up and I won't be late anymore.
- This exchange:
Saruman: Your love of the halfling's leaf has clearly slowed your mind.
Kevin (in a stoner voice): So I like to wake and bake, what of it, man?
- During a sweeping shot of The Shire:
Mike: You should see that place now...hobbit massage parlors, tacky billboards, little hobbit streetwalkers with shaved feet...
- Gandalf: Bilbo...the ring is still in your pocket.
Mike: Along with two pistachio shells, a breadbag tie, and some lint. HA HA, you see, I'm magic!
- Legolas' first appearance:
Mike: And all the teen girls say "He's a boy, but he looks like me and he's safe! I love him!"
- Kevin, at the very beginning, talking about how rapt with anticipation he is to see one of his favorite characters of all time - Tom Bombadil, perpetrator of the novel's infamous Big Lipped Alligator Moment who was never at any stage of production to be included in the film.
Kevin: FOR TOM BOMBADIL, AND GOLDBERRY!
- And later during the Mines of Moria scene:
- "We are going to get our kids PS3s!"
- One of Disembaudio's sync lines, delivered in a complete monotone: "You. Shall not. Pass."
- The Cave Troll scene:
Mike: Ladies and gentlemen, Mike Tyson!Kevin (as Mike Tyson): Hello there. I'd just come to say — OW, why you wanna go stickin' arrows in me?! What have I ever done to you? You see this hammer? I'm gonna whoop you with it now and— Hey, where'd you go, anyway?'
- When the troll stabs Frodo (he survives, though, thanks to his mithril vest.):
'''Mike: NO, it can't be! That means we have to go through two more movies with just Sam.Kevin: Yikes.
- And after above, during the shot of the cave troll:
Kevin (as the cave troll): Oh come on! Cowboy up! You're (Frodo) fine.
- "So, you think this is 'Troll the ancient yuletide carol'?
- "I just wanna bury the hatchet! *Evil Chuckle*"
- Mike's Galadriel impression, "Who else can I make cry?" after she gets into Boromir's head.
- When the Mike and Kevin riff on the scene where Boromir is shot to death by an Uruk Hai:
- "Ooh, that's gonna wreck his golf swing."
- "Well, I guess it's time to die now. Give my helmet to the dwarf and — FREEDOM!!!!"
- "I could use a hot shower and maybe a mug of beer and— (gets shot by the third arrow) — Oh! Or a nice arrow in the lung would be good, too. Thank you."
- "See you later, Sir Pin Cushion." "Yeah, 'Gore-amir'!" "Loser, he's from 'Gondork'!"
- As the gathering fellowship pledge their allegiance to Frodo:
- Aragorn: You have my sword.Mike: And I want it back.Legolas: And my bow.Gimli: And my axe!Bill: He's a regular small-arms kleptomaniac!
- This brief exchange:
- Saruman: Whom do you serve?Mike: The customer!
- They turn one of Boromir's lines into a crowning Double Entendre
Boromir: Have you seen it Aragorn?Kevin: Oooh! Now we're getting personal.Boromir: The White Tower of Ecthelion.Mike: Dah Wow.Boromir: Glimmering like a spire of pearl and silver.Kevin: Now that's just dirty.Boromir: Its banners caught high in the morning breeze.Mike: You can hang banners on yours?Boromir: Have you ever been called home by the clearing of silver trumpets?Kevin: This is turning into Brokeback Mount Doom.
- "They're gonna mess with the Rohan?!"
- The first time Frodo and Sam meet Gollum, and Gollum throws himself onto Frodo:
- When Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli meet the exiled Riders of Rohan:
Éomer: What business do a man, an elf, and a dwarf have in the Riddermark?
Mike: And shouldn't you be walking into a bar somewhere?
- Turning "Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew" into a Stupid Statement Dance Mix.
- (As the Elves enter Helm's Deep) "Hey, can you point the way to Thermopylae?"
- "And his tombstone will be on a post-apocalyptic college campus."
- Aragorn, Théoden, and RiffTrax discuss Middle-Earth geopolitics:
Aragorn: Send for aid from Gondor-Théoden(*angrily): Gondor!Mike (*in a Southern prospector/hillbilly voice): Ooh, I really hates that Gondor!
- Before the Battle of Helm's Deep:
All (as Uruk Hai troops stomping their spears, in unison): Ow my foot. Ow my foot. Ow my foot.
Kevin (as Uruk Hai): "Ow, why are we doing this?"Bill (as Uruk Hai): "Sergeant, can we stop?"Mike (as Uruk Hai): "No, crush those feet!"Kevin (as Uruk Hai): "Why?!"Mike (as Uruk Hai): "It is Orc law!"
- Similarly, as Haldir's elves prepare for battle:
All: (turning) Hey, look over there. (placing swords on ground)'' Boy, don't these things get heavy.
- Again, before the Battle of Helm's Deep:
Mike (singing): And all the little orcs are marching, red and black helmets waving...
Kevin: Uh, Mike, what did I tell you about singing Dave Matthews?
Mike: Oh, uuuh...you know what? I wrote it down, hang on. "If I ever sung him in your presence, I would find my head rolling down a filthy alley and...wow."
- When the old guy ends up shooting the arrow when he wasn't supposed to:
- "I don't know, but I been told...Orc strong, but they not smart."
- About the aftermath of the impending battle:
Théoden: Crops can be regrown. Homes rebuilt."
Mike: Cows recowed!
- Aragorn returns:
Legolas: You look terrible.
Mike: Terrib-ly rugged and sexy, right?
- To Faramir:
Sam: Will you not help him?
Mike: Yes, I will not.
- Theodred's death:
- The impaled Uruk head's possible last words:
Bill: Hey, throw me a grape, and I'll catch it in my mouth. What's that? ...Look out for what behind me?
- At the Wargs of Isengard attacking the Rohirrim: "They smell bacon!"
- When the camera zooms into Faramir (which was supposed to be where the deleted scene flashback of Boromir was supposed to take place):
- After the battle at Helm's Deep:
Gandalf: "All our hopes now lie with two small hobbits, somewhere in the wilderness."Bill: "In other words, Hail Lord Sauron!"
- The RiffTrax guys making up what the muted slow-mo dialogue of Sam was:
Kevin (in a slow mo voice as Sam): If you're not feeling well, can I have your lunch, and your dinner, please?Bill (as Frodo in slow mo): My God, he's still hungry.
- The Riffers' pessimistic narration of how the various Heroic charges into thousands of Uruk-Hai should have gone down as
Mike (as Théoden and Aragorn charge out of Helms Deep during the climax) And they were killed immediately, their bodies torn to shreds, their intestines used as humorous decorations, the heads battered around like beachballs at a soccer stadium
Bill (as Gandalf leads the Rohirrim army down the hill) And they were all slaughtered, their bodies piled like cordwood and burnt. But it twas a glorious end.
- A few minutes later
- When Grima Wormtongue orders Rohirrim soldiers to arrest Gandalf after he sees his staff:
Womtongue: I told you to take the wizard's STAFF!Bill (as soldiers imitating Wormtongue): We didn't HEAR YOU when you TOLD US!
- Saruman's speech to the Uruk-Hai army before they set off to take down Helm's Deep:
Saruman: A new power is rising!Kevin (as Saruman): But that's no excuse for your behavior!Saruman: Its victory is at hand!(The Urak-Hai do a commotion)Mike (as an Urak-Hai): You ever gonna pay us??Saruman: This night, the land will be stained with the blood of Rohan!Kevin (as Saruman): Rosemary Han, I want her dead!Saruman: March to Helm's Deep! Leave none alive!Bill (as an Uruk-Hai): You're not funny!Saruman: TO WAR!!!Mike (as Saruman): RIGHT AFTER LUNCH!
- At the start of the Battle of Pelennor Fields:
Bill (as a Rohan Soldier): "Oh wait, you're all wearing green?! Oh come on! Those are the home uniforms! Okay, we gotta go back guys."
- Sméagol: My.... precious...
Kevin: "Based on the novel, Push by Sapphire."
- The part where Mike riffs on Shelob, the giant spider, approaching Frodo from behind, about to stab him with one of her stingers, Mike pretends to be singing "The Itsy Bitsy Spider" while coughing from smoke coming from a volcano.
- They have a lot of fun making fun of Denethor:
Denethor: Perhaps you've come to explain this...Bill (as Denethor): HOBBIT HOUSE!!! What did I tell you in strides about sounding the Horn of Gondor?!
- During his introduction where he learns that Boromir died because of the evidence of the Horn of Gondor:
Mike: Really, his face is jigglier than a chorus line of The Biggest Loser contestants.
- Before he yells, "Gondor is MINE! And no others!"
Mike (as Denethor): Wait, I made crab meat quesadillas. I was up all night dicing mangoes for the salsa— (dejectedly) Oh, why do they leave?
- As Gandalf and Pippin leave the throne room after the above line:
Mike: He's behaving like you when you miss McDonald's breakfast, Bill.Bill: Always a blur of madness, so, I'll have to take your word for it.
- When during his Despair Event Horizon scene, after yelling "MY LINE HAS ENDED!"
Kevin (as Denethor, nervously): Uh.... hi.
- When Denethor sees Sauron's army after the above moment:
Mike: "AND MY BOY if you have time!"
- Denethor: ABANDON YOUR POSTS!
Mike (as Denethor): I SMELL LIKE BACON! Great, now I'm on fire and hungry!
- When Denethor gets set on fire:
- After Osgilath is conquered by the Orcs:
Gothmog: The Age of Men... is over.Bill: He's using Batman's voice.Gothmog: The Time of the Orc... has come.Kevin: They didn't bake him enough.
- Before Faramir goes on his doomed attempt to retake Osgilath:
Faramir: Since you're robbed of Boromir...Kevin (as Faramir): Who gets his bike?Faramir: ...I will do what I can in his stead.Bill (as Denethor): Good. First unclog the toilet. Boromir was great at that.
- When Sauron's army from Mordor starts attacking Minas Tirith with catapults, and it hits one of the buildings:
Bill (disappointed): Oh, that's a corporate skybox.
- When Denethor drags Pippin out of the Tomb of the Stewards and fires him from the guard as he's about to kill himself and Faramir (who no one bothers to check for a pulse and confirm that he's not dead)...
(Denethor drags Pippin out of the Tomb of the Stewards, with him screaming)Kevin (as Pippin in pain as if he had keys in his back pocket): OW, MY HUGE WHIMSICAL KEYS! WHY DON'T WE HOBBITS GO WITH THE STANDARD SIZE?!Denethor: Farewell, Peregrin, son of Paladin. I release you from my service.(Denethor throws Pippin onto the ground.)Denthor: Go now and die in what way seems best to you.(He closes the door.)Bill: Well, me, I'd always hope to go out shirtless on an ATV, bottle of goldschlager in one hand, crashing through the plate glass storefront of my least favorite Subway franchise. But, I'm old fashioned.
- As the Riders of Rohan blow their horns before charging the orc army at Pelennor Fields:
- When Pippin finds Gasndadlf in Minas Tirath to help him save Faramir:
Pippin: GANDALF! Denethor has lost his mind! He's burning Faramir alive!
- This moment
Gandalf Sauron will suspect a trapBill He'll say ITS A TRAP!!!!
- Before Aragorn says, "For Frodo..." after seeing a shot of the Eye of Sauron:
Bill (as Aragorn): Guys, I think he's [Sauron] buying the diversion.Kevin (as Sauron, suspiciously): What's that??Bill (as Aragorn): Oh, Sauron, I said "I'm trying 'Like A Virgin'!" I'm listening to a sample on iTunes.Kevin (as Sauron): Oh, alright.
Marvel Cinematic Universe
- "The Dude, International CEO."
- When Tony is chatting up the journalist and looking very skeevy:
Mike: Glasses from the "I Own A Dirty Bookshop" collection.
Bill: Beard and mustache from the "Guy Who Makes Lewd Comments About His Own Nieces" collection of beards and mustaches.
Kevin: Slicked-back hair from the "Brother-In-Law Who Threw Up At Your Daughter's First Communion Party" line of slicked-back hair.
- Kevin mistaking "Institutionalized" by Suicidal Tendencies for a Keanu Reeves monologue, and continuing the song in his own words when Tony turns off the radio.
"THERE'S BUGLES ALL OVER THE FLOOR!"
- When Tony shows his weapons to the troops:
Tony: I PREFER the weapon you only HAVE to fire ONCE.
Kevin: I SAY things with emphasis ON words THAT may not HAVE gotten them NORMALLY.
- "And this is just for an overdue book from the Kandahar library."
- [while Tony is building his reactor]
Yinsen: What is that?Kevin: (as Tony Stark) It's called a "cram it four eyes."Bill: (as Yinsen) Oh really, I thought tha- HEY!
- Mike: Hmm. The "Guys Tinkering With Crap" Channel isn't as good as I thought it would be.
- When Tony Stark is wandering through the desert after escaping:
Kevin: Guys...I'm having...Ishtar flashbacks...(starts gasping for breath)
Mike: No, we're losing Kevin! Bill, give him 20cc of Lawrence of Arabia soundtrack, stat!
Bill: Uh, roger! (starts humming Lawrence of Arabia music)
(Kevin calms down)
Mike: Oh, good...he's coming out of it, good. Kevin?
Kevin: I-is that Peter O'Toole?
Mike: Yes, Kevin, you trooper! Yes, it is Peter O'Toole.
Bill: It is definitely not Warren Beatty or Dustin Hoffman.
(A helicopter flies over Tony Stark from out of nowhere.)
Mike: Bill, no!
Kevin: (gasping again) Ishtar...can't breathe...!
Bill: Sorry! (starts humming Lawrence of Arabia music again)
- "Summer 2009: Robert Downey, Jr. IS John Henry!!!"
- "Doctor's got a Ph. D. in killing you."
- "Suprise! Happy birthday, Ahmed!"
- "Xanadude: L. A. home of Charles Foster Kane III."
- When Tony first attacks the terrorists in the cave with the original suit:
- When one of the terrorist tries killing Tony by shooting him in the head with a pistol, only to have bullet go into the terrorist's head instead:
Mike: Seth Rogen—assassin.
- When one of the terrorist tries killing Tony by shooting him in the head with a pistol, only to have bullet go into the terrorist's head instead:
- This little bit when Stark returns to the Middle East village:
Bill (as Iron Man): Give me a reason not to smite thee.
Kevin: I'm being held captive here against my will!
Bill: Can't hear you, smiting.
- Or this when we meet the, aptly named, main villain.
Announcer: Howard Stark's lifelong friend and ally, Obadiah Stane
All: Obadiah Stane?!
Bill: Did they consider naming him "Menacing T. Badperson"?
- At the start of Tony's press conference.
Stane: [over a microphone, audible pause] Aaahh...
Kevin: That's a moose! Okay now you do an animal.
- Any joke about Robert Downey, Jr.'s
pasteverlasting drug problems.Mike: HEROIN! I mean HELP!
Kevin: I WANT COCAINE! I mean GET ME OUT OF HERE!
Bill: VALIUM! I mean OH MY GOD!
- "I brought you some steak and some spinach; your diet needs more iron, man! (laughs weakly).
- Turning Pepper into The Ditz. "Which one is Spider-Man?"
- Bill's "Ow!" as the mask slams shut over Tony's face.
- Them pointing out the Fridge Logic of Iron Monger's growling. It means Jeff Bridges is growling within the suit. Them recreating it makes it all the better.
- They actually manage to make Tony's face-plant into the wall during his first test of the boots even funnier:
Mike: Okay! Hero: dead. New star of movie: the cute little fire-fighting robot.
- The description brings up the 1985 Dork Age where Thor was turned into a frog and led a frog army, concluding with "This actually happened and you should look it up right now."
- When Selvig says Thor's on steroids: "Just check his balls. They're tiny!"
- Odin breaking his toe, twice.
Bill (as Odin): "OW, MY TOE, I THINK I JUST BROKE IT!"Bill (as Odin): "OW, TOE, AGAIN!"
- Mike and Kevin's outrage that Bill would say anyone is as bad as the cast of Jersey Shore.
- "Is there something in my mouth?"
- After a tender scene in the RV, it cuts to a fire.
- Bill: THEN SHE BURNED HIM ALIVE AND ATE HIS FLESH!!!!Mike: Wow, what a shocking and audacious ending— Aw damn it.
- Shortly after Loki reveals his blue skin to Odin: "Okay, okay. I knocked up Violet Beauregarde."
- When Loki finds out he's Laufey's son.
- Loki: Laufey's son...Bill (as Loki): I'm not sending two Father's Day cards.
- The endless fun they have with the word Odinsleep.
- "He's Odin-snoring like crazy."
- "Especially when the allfather is Odinsleeping."
- "Can a guy GET SOME ODINSLEEP PLEASE?"
- "Odin's chambers. What better place to Odinsleep.
- "I AM TRYING TO ODINSLEEP!"
- They continue making Odinsleep jokes in the RiffTrax Commentaries for Captain America: The First Avenger and The Avengers.
- Thor can't lift Mjolnir:
Mike (as Thor): Must I now whack moles with my bare hands?!Mike: Hmm. Maybe *yelling* is Norwegian for "NO!!!!!!!!!"
- When Loki tricks Thor into thinking Odin died:
Loki: Father is dead.Kevin (as Loki): He drank too much mead, hit on a valkyrie, got in an ax fight; bad scene.Thor: What...?Mike (as Loki): I SAID "DAD'S DEAD"!!!
Loki: The burden of the throne has fallen to me now.Bill (as Thor): Wait, wait. The throne fell on you? Are you okay?
- Lampshade Hanging how expected the Actor Allusion jokes have become: "To avoid crucifixion by The Wire fans, we're obliged to point out that this guy played Stringer Bell."
- As Mjolnir is thrown to Earth: "Oh, please, please, PLEASE let a mischievous monkey find it!"
- They also include this joke to their Running Gag from the Star Wars RiffTrax of Anakin's distaste for sand:
Mike (As Jane Foster): "Listen, how do you feel about sand? My last boyfriend was so hung up by it; it's so annoying."
- "I only have one hand! Oh right, the eye patch."
- When Loki is lying on the bridge:
Mike: My horn's stuck.
Thor: You can't kill an entire race!Loki: Why not?Mike: Ah, the rarely-invoked "why not?" defense of genocide.
- When Thor destroys the Bifrost bridge, which in turn cause him to not see Jane Foster again (at least until the sequel to Thor)...
Loki: IF YOU DESTROY THE BRIDGE, YOU'LL NEVER SEE HER AGAIN!Mike (as Thor): Why do you think I'm doing it?
- As Thor enters the halls of Valhalla to triumphant fanfare:
Bill:(As Thor) That's right! GOT A COMIC BOOK DEAL BABY!
- Disembaudio singing along with the Foo Fighters over the credits.
- When Loki falls:
Thor: Loki, no.(Loki lets go of the spear, and throws himself to his (apparent) doom)Thor: NO!!!!!!!
- The opening, in which Kevin tries dressing up as the eponymous hero but gets him confused with Wonder Woman. The results are predictable.
- At Johan Schmidt's factory:
Johan Schmidt (aka The Red Skull): Increase production output by 60% and see to it that our other facilities do the same.Bill (as Red Skull): "I want the iFuher out by Christmas."
- This Take That to Chris Evans, who was also The Human Torch in Fantastic Four.
4F Doctor: I'm saving your life.(Stamps 4F onto the registration.)Mike: This also prohibits you from doing anymore Fantastic Four sequels.
- When the HYDRA agent that kills Dr. Erskine kills himself after being caught by Steve Rogers after saying "Hail Hydra":
Mike: (scoffs) Wow. Gotta be embarrassing to botch your dying "Heil Hitler" that way if you're Nazi.Kevin: I think he said "Hail Hydra".Mike: Oh, so INFINITELY more embarrassing.
- When one of the three Nazi Officers discovers that one of Red Skull's targets in his bombing is Berlin:
Nazi Officer: Berlin is on this map!Kevin (as Red Skull): Of course it is! Practice your world capital geography another time!
- When the Red Skull vaporizes the three Nazis so that they would not report back to Hitler with his vaporizing gun:
Bill: Ooh! Didn't expect that! Glad I'm testing this thing now; I was gonna use this thing to shrink the kids later."(After the last one gets vaporized)Mike: Aw. Poor guys. Never even had the chance to be tried for war crimes.
- When Captain America meets Johan Schmidt for the first time:
Johan Schmidt (aka the Red Skull): I am a great fan of your films!
- "YOU ARE FAILING!"
Mike: His standing evaluation of the Kansas City Royals.
- When Captain America makes one of the bombs drop without it being piloted and a HYDRA goon plummets to his doom:
Mike: No its, "YEE HAW!", not, *garbled scream*.
- The Northwest/Delta Airline Joke:
Steve Rogers: "It's not gonna be a smooth landing."Kevin: "Still I prefer this flight to Delta."
- When Bill thinks that in Captain America's photo of Peggy Carter (his love interest) has a mustache, it turns into a long joke until having to be stopped by Mike.
- The ending:
Steve Rogers (grimly): "I had a date..."Bill (as Steve): "It's my favorite dried fruit, and I lost it."*Bonk sound*Bill: "Ow!"Kevin: "You asked for that."Mike: "Wow! Kevin, where did you get a shield?"Kevin: "I've always had one."Mike: Huh! Well, as Kevin goes to pick up his shield and throw it once again at Bill—"Bill: "KEVIN, NO! I KNOW IT WASN'T A GREAT JOKE! I'M SORRY!"*Bonk sound*Bill: "OW!!"Kevin: "Take that, Red Skull!"Bill: "IT'S RED WITH BLOOD!!"Mike: "—-we'll say good bye from RiffTrax.com."*Bonk sound*Bill: "OW!!!!"Kevin: "There we go!"
- As Banner changes into the Hulk:
Kevin: "Why does Hulk wear thong today!? WHY DOES HULK EVER WEAR THONG!?"
- Bill: "HULK SNEAK! TEE-HEE!"
- When Nick Fury tries to stop rogue planes from nuking New York City: "I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHER*bleep*ING ROGUE BIRDS ON THIS MOTHER*blee*ING HELLICARRIER!"
- The sheer number of times they have Nick Fury resist saying mother*beep*er in this PG-13 movie.
- The time Bill Corbett starts to quip and Downey Jr steals his line. For the next several minutes Bill tries to out quip Downey as Kevin and Mike keep hitting him.
- When Thor is holding all the reinforcements at bay in the portal with lighning.
Mike: Wow so just keep doing that?Bill: Yeah between that and Hawkeye standing on a roof with a bow and arrow we're all set.
- The endless fun they have with Hawkeye saying that he sees better from a distance.
Hawkeye: I see better from a distance.Mike: What?! No you don't!
'''Mike (as Hawkeye): Okay, focus, Hawkeye, you can do this!Natasha Romanoff (Black Widow): Clint, you're gonna be alright.Mike (as Hawkeye): Who's there?! You're too close for me to see you!
- Followed up with this, after Hawkeye's brainwashing is removed:
- Also this:
Loki (to Brainwashed and Crazy Hawkeye): Tell me what you need.Mike: Let me guess: SOME ARROWS.
- When Brainwashed and Crazy Hawkeye hands over his bow to a minion.
Bill: (as the minion) Wohoo! I'm Hawkeye now!Mike (as Hawkeye): What? No you're not... OK, you basically are.
- Jane Foster's lack of appearance in the film (due to the fact that Natalie Portman was pregnant during the time of filming, so, she couldn't be in the movie) :
Coulson: As soon as Loki took the doctor, we moved Jane Foster.Bill: She's safe on "Retcon Island".
- When Brainwashed and Crazy Hawkeye and a squad of henchmen approach the helicarrier to attack it:
Female SHIELD Traffic Control Person: We got you on the computer, but not on the data log. What is your haul, over?Pilot: Arms and ammunition, over.Kevin (as the pilot): Oh and we also got a guy who claims that he was in that new Bourne movie, but none of us saw it or really care, over.
Kevin (as a SHIELD Traffic Control Person): Guh, unidentified ship that hasn't landed, this is SHIELD traffic control. Uh, you know there's a man with a bow and arrow standing in your open hatch about to shoot at our aircraft? Just kinda weird. But we trust you implicitly, over.
- Also as Hawkeye fires an explosive tipped arrow at one of the helicarrier's engine:
Kevin (as a SHIELD Traffic Control Person): Guh, unidentified ship that hasn't landed, now you're exploding us. Is this some kind of PRANK? YIKES. Anyway we still trust you and love you over.
- When Hawkeye blows up the engine:
- When Black Widow fights with Hawkeye, Mike, Kevin and Bill pay no attention to the scene and talk about how he pales in comparison to the other characters (in their opinion) and Bill keeps telling them that he's not a "comic book" expert.
- When Black Widow is in her Heroic BSOD after being chased by the Hulk:
Kevin (as Black Widow in pain): Oh, why did I eat that taco?
- According to Kevin, the "A" on Captain America's head means that he's an adulterer.
The Matrix Trilogy
- When Mr. Anderson (Neo) is being admonished by his boss:
Neo's Boss: You have a problem with authority—
Kevin: No I don't! Go to hell!
- When he's fleeing the Agents for the first time:
Mr. Anderson/Neo: This is insane...!
Kevin: Oh no, the next two movies are insane. This one is somewhat rational.
- When Mr. Anderson (Neo) gets his mouth sealed shut:
Mike: Amazing it doesn't impair his acting talent.
Kevin: Oh, now I have more to shave!
- "We melt down Terminators to make our mirrors.
- "I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT!!! Short and stout."
- During the scene where Morpheus explains The Matrix to Neo:
Morpheus: How did I beat you?Kevin: Quite soundly, thank you.Morpheus: You think that's air you're breathing?Mike: Its wild rice.
- Trying to discuss what The Matrix is...
Mike: Okay, okay, so let me see if I understand The Matrix now...
Kevin: Okay, give it a try.
Mike: Uh...we all started shaved, and punctured, and immersed in pods full of KY...
Mike: And we live in a bland, unsatisfying dream world...that's Linux-based...
Mike: And Larry Fishburne offers us drugs and rids our body of shrimp...
Mike: And we pull the tendril timer out of our skull, put on greasy clothes, and head right back into the dream world!
Kevin: I think you got it!
Mike: Hey~! I know "What is The Matrix?"!
Kevin: That's The Matrix!
- "Okay, so weaponry, travel, computers, they're still super-advanced...but pornography, of all things, is still stuck in The Fifties?
- "And when you eat your Smarties, do you eat the red ones last? Do you suck them very slowly, do you crunch them very fast?"
- Sometimes it's the simple things:
Morpheus: Tank.Mike: You're welcome.
- Their introduction:
Mike: Before your favorite franchises were afflicted with "Godfather's Syndrome" and let you down with number three in the trilogy...
Bill: Pirates of the Caribbean!
Mike: ...The Matrix was there, boldly flaunting convention, and sucking in Part Two!
Trinity: (on the phone) I'm in.Kevin: (mimicking a typical dudey pizza delivery guy) You want what on your pizza?
- "The passionate dialog crackles with Anakinian lust!"
Trinity: What is it?
Neo: ...I don't know.
Mike: (chuckles) A tower of insight, this one.
- Link is returning home to his wife
Link: Where's my puss...'''[realizes that children are in the room]Link: Eeeeeeeey...[The riffers chuckle]Cas:: C'mon kids, time to go.Mike: [as the kids]: But we wanna help Uncle Link find his cat!
- During the infamous dance scene/sex scene
Kevin Murphy: This has now lasted longer than the Orthodox wedding scene in The Deer Hunter.[the scene goes on]Kevin Murphy: Okay, now it's lasted longer than the entirety of The Deer Hunter.
- When Smith starts cloning himself:
Bane: Oh god!
Agent Smith: Smith will suffice.
Mike: (imitating Smith) I love it when they set me up like that!
Kevin: I think he likes the zinging almost as much as the killing.
(Bane's mutation into an Agent Smith clone is complete)
Mike and Kevin: (both imitating Smith) My god, you're handsome! Thank you. Okay, knock it off!
- "Father Reeves, Action Priest!"
Oracle: You have seen it, haven't you? The door made of light?
Bill: (As Neo) I-I'm usually in my underpants for that dream...
Oracle: What happens when you through that door?
Bill: (As Neo) The whole school laughs at my underpants.
- "Pop goes the Agent~!"
- "Big deal; Jackie Chan did this stuff drunk.
Smith: "Perhaps some part of you imprinted onto me, some part overwritten or copied...It is at this point irrelevant."
Bill: (imitating Smith) We'll fill it in in a later rewrite, whoops.
- The ten-second chorus of "Mr. Anderson" from Mike, Kevin, and Bill upon the arrival of all the Mr Smith clones.
- This exchange about the scene where the Merovingian waxes philosophically:
Kevin: So the nature of the universe is a date rape drug slipped to us by some pervy frog?
Mike: I want a new universe!
- "The St. Valentine's Day Mass...ive failure!"
- During the big fight in the parlor:
Mike: Uh oh, guys. I...I just had a horrible thought, and I need to share it...
Bill: Aw, you really need to, strictly—
Mike: Here it is...I thought that it'd be nice to see a long Quidditch scene right now...(Kevin gasps)...or even, god help me, some pod-racing! (dissolves into anguished laughter)
Bill: There, there, Mike...
Kevin: It's okay, buddy.
Bill: Damn it, Matrix: Reloaded! See what you've done to Mike?!
- Later, during a slow-motion jump across the parlour:
Kevin: Huh. My thorazine's kicking in- do things seem slow to you right now?
Bill: Nnnnnoootttt aaaat aaaaaaaall, Keeeeeeviiiiiiiin.
- Later, during a slow-motion jump across the parlour:
- During the highway chase scene:
Kevin: Ah~ a little car crash porn!
Mike: David Cronenberg needed a cold shower after this scene.
Kevin: Just when David Cronenberg was lighting up a cigarette, relaxing, this starts him up all over again!
- And later still:
Mike: (chuckling) David Cronenberg will have to check into a hospital tonight; he's no spring chicken anymore!
Kevin: You mean in terms of his stamina for masturbating repeatedly at slow footage of car crashes? Just to clarify?
Mike: ...I didn't think we needed to be so on-the-nose about it there, Kevin, but, uh...yeah, okay.
- And later still:
- "Laurence Fishburne fires his agent!"
- Along the same lines:
(a guy in a car gets hurt, who looks like...) "Will Ferrell!"(next glimpse of the man shows he's an agent now) "Will Ferrell's agent!"
- Along the same lines:
- (sung to the tune of the Superman theme) "It's Keanu Reeves, he's going so fast~! It's Keanu Reeves, he's trailing some garbage~! It's Keanu, flying Keanu, going to save the hot chick and then smoke up a bowl~!"
- "The roof! The roof! The roof is on fire! No, serious, people; I think the machines started it!"
- "Hey, you in the back, this is an anti-machine rally, quit doing the robot!"
- (Random black man jumps towards to screen) HI MOM!
- During Neo and Trinity's sex scene: (sing-songy) "Neo likes Trinity, Neo likes Trinity!"
- Pretty much every reaction to the Architect's long-winded speech:
Mike: (whenever Neo asks a question) No, don't ask! Oh god, he's gonna go on for like ten minutes…No, don't encourage him!Bill: Well good, we're done, can we– (He starts talking again) Gah! The guy's like a parrot in a cracker factory.Kevin: That's right, folks, the ACTION FLICK OF THE SUMMER!Kevin: The instruction manual for my snow blower is gripping compared to this clown!Mike: Oh look, bite my nuggets, Colonel Sanders.Kevin: Look, Jack Perkins, could you sum up, my car's doubled-parked!Kevin: Our priority, the next film will be two solid hours of fighting robots.Bill: OH DEAR GOD, get off the screen!
- When Smith assimilates a woman:
Bill: Ah, it's the reverse Larry Wachowski maneuver!
- Lets get ready to RETCOOOONNN!!!
- During Smith's Villainous Breakdown:
Bill: He's having a total eclipse of the heart!
- And then during his death:
All: (as the Smith clones are staring to explode, in unison): Turn aroouunnnnd, briiiiiiight eyyeess...
- And then during his death:
- Comenting on the music during the final battle:
Bill: I like to play this soundtrack when I mow the lawn, makes me mow the hell out the the lawn! Sometimes the lawn actually bursts into flames...
- "Lizard people... somehow responsible... must warn David Icke!"
- "Remember guys, these movies are philosophical."
"Yes, I actually do find myself drifting to thoughts of Socrates...IN that I want to drink hemlock and die."
- Counts as both a Genius Bonus and a Take That against a bit part played by Cornell West:
West: We can't treat this as a hopeless cause.Mike: Hey, the guy who voted for Ralph Nader has no right to talk about hopelessness.
- During Trinity's death scene:
Mike: Ow, ow, ow, OW!Ow, you're leaning on the poles that skewered my liver, OW!My god you have driven that one pole DEEPER IN MY LEFT VENTRICLE AND IT HURTS ABOUT FIVE TIMES AS MUCH!Apparently you didn't have the pleasure of KNEELING ON A POLE STICKING OUT OF MY LUNGS, AND YOU JUST HAD TO TRY, OW OW OW OH GOD OW OW!!Kevin: And yet you still have your elbow PUSHING AGAINST THE THING THAT TORE MY SPINE OUT, AM I NOT BEING CLEAR?!It had nothing to do with you SITTING DIRECTLY ON MY SHATTERED PELVIS LIKE YOU'RE DOING RIGHT NOW!!!Bill: My thought was "please if I ever died horribly impaled on a bunch of poles, please let my boyfriend not be such a nob that he repeatedly leans on them", so, it's kind of ironic.
- After when Neo has seemingly defeated Agent Smith:
Kevin: Great, perfect, done. Keanu's destroyed the evil Hugo, and there's peace in the Matrix failure. Well, guys, I'm gonna grab my fishing rod, and thing those leeches out of the fridge—Bill: Uh, better keep those leeches in the fridge, Kevin; I don't think we're out of the woods yet.Mike: Wait, those were leeches in the fridge?Kevin: What do you mean, "were"?Mike: I—I thought they were anchovies. I wondered why anchovies would stick to the roof of mouth, and my hands, and my lip. And crawl off my caesar salad.
- "And the movie climax is —quite appropriately— in sewage."
Mike (as Smith): It was in the trailer...
- "Wait, I've seen this."
- A less happy view of the ending than was intended.
Kevin: And so, as the sun rises on the Matrix, most of humanity is still enslaved by the robot overlords, while the rest continue to rot in a damp cave with poor ventilation, miles underground. What a glorious ending to over six hours of movie.
- When Mifune is yelling while fighting off Sentinels on his mech:
Kevin: You know, there's no dumb action sequence that can't be made dumber by a guy yelling like a wounded grizzly.
- The scene where Peter visits Aunt May in the hospital. Mike keeps intentionally screwing up both Peter and Aunt May's names, eventually leading to Bill, using the sweetest tone of voice imaginable, to ask Mike to go to hell.
- During Harry and Peter's climactic fight:
Harry: I protected you in high school. Now I'm gonna kick your ass!Peter: Ooh!Mike: The five-minute scene of them going "Oh yeah?" "Yeah!" "Oh yeah?" "Yeah!" was wisely cut for time.
- During the first Peter and Harry fight scene:
Harry: You knew this was coming, Pete!Mike or James Lileks: I sent you an email about it!
- When Peter is trying to resuscitate the unconscious Harry:
Peter: HARRY!Mike: I need you for the third act! Live, dammit, live!
- A wonderful bit of Crosses the Line Twice humor after Peter gets the symbiote suit:
James Lileks: He can jump really high and he now "gets" Tyler Perry.
- After Black Suit Spidey breaks Eddie's camera:
Eddie: What the hell?!James Lileks: The pictures of my cat on an invisible bike!
Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan
- When Khan lifts Chekhov by his spacesuit
Bill: Chekhov, now with E-Z-Grip handle!
- On the rendering of the Genesis Effect
Mike: This is like we took the game SimEarth, and remove anything fun and interesting from it. In other words, exactly like SimEarth.Kevin: RiffTrax! Some two-decade-old computer games have it coming!
- The massive amounts of 'spoilers' Kevin keeps spouting during the opening credits, to Mike and Bill's annoyance.
Kevin: Okay, now they're just wasting everybody's time! Come on, START! Kill Spock already!Mike: Hey, hey, hey. Take it easy, Kevin.Kevin: Well, really. I could have killed Spock and Kirk's son by now!Bill: Kevin!
- When Scotty holds his dying nephew, who is badly burned:
Bill (as Scotty): I got hungry!
- "Explore my backstory in Fan Fiction!"
- Mike on Captain Terrell's death:
Mike: Looks like me when I'm about to hit play on a Kevin Smith movie.
- When Terrell feels hesitant to pull the trigger and kill Kirk:
Mike: And that's me two minutes into a Kevin Smith movie...
- When Terrell screams in pain from the eel:
Mike: ...and three minutes into a Kevin Smith movie. Two and a half if it's Cop Out.
- When Terrell finally kills himself by vaporizing himself with his phaser:
- This moment:
Khan: Admiral Kirk... sent seventy of us into exile on this barren sand heap with only the contents of these cargo bays to sustain us.Chekhov: You lie! On Ceti Alpha V, there was life! A fighting chance-Kevin (as Khan): Oh, sorry! I don't mean to yell; it's just the weather's been lousy and Gary overcooked my sand wrap this morning and—- (calmly) Let's just start over.Mike: Not blaming Gary.Bill (as Khan): Even my best gowns...
- When Kirk yells the infamous "KHAN!!!!!!" line:
Mike: He all of a sudden remembered which Bill & Ted character wreaked the Sporting Goods Store.
- After Khan realizes Starfleet mistook Ceti Alpha 5 for the destroyed sixth planet:
Bill: You guys really should keep better track of where you leave your evil warlords.
- As Khan pulls a Ceti eel out of a nearby tank:
- "There's no damage, but crew members are reported falling and jumping around on all decks."
- "80s White Guys, assemble!"
- "You'd think the grate-lifting process would be automated by 23rd century."
- When Joachim points out their sensors would be useless in the nebula:
Khan: Why are we slowing?Mike (as Joachim): Look, do you want to drive?Joachim: We can't follow them into the nebula, sir. Our shields would be useless.Kevin: Speaking of useless, what do the other ten guys in Khan's control room do?!
- When Khan lifts debris and throws it out of the way:
- "Spock now joins the ranks of pointy-eared gods like, um, Frodo and... Satan and... Prince Namor, but that's all."
- As the Ceti eels go into Chekov and Terrel by the ears:
Bill: Wow, honest-to-God ear worms.Mike: Now Party In The USA will be stuck in their heads for weeks, poor bastards.
Joachim: Enterprise will wait. She's not GOING ANYWHERE!Bill (as Joachim): We, on the other hand, have a BIRTHDAY LUNCH at Chuck E. Cheese's, and we will not BE LATE!
- "My God, look at the cleavage on that man!"
- David gets a ridiculous yet surprisingly fitting Droopy Dog-style wimp voice. And he keeps wetting himself.
- When Kirk sees the dying Spock:
Kirk: SPOCK!!Mike (as Kirk): I always meant to ask, do you use product in your hair or is it naturally greasy?!
- When Kirk falls while trying to scale the cliff:
Mike (as Kirk): Aaahh! When people come for my funeral, make sure they get the best prices on hotels at Priceline.com! Aaaahh!
- I've reached the blue screen! I'm gonna be okay!
- During the siege of Nimbus 3:
Mike: And so the lamest city in the galaxy falls to the attackers in the universe, in what would come to be known as "The Three-In-A-Half Minutes War".
- Right before the infamous "Row Row Row Your Boat" Sequence
Spock: I believe we are required to engage in a ritual known as... a "sing-along".
- At the end of the infamous Uhura fan-dance:
Uhura: Hello boys!Mike and Kevin (as the men who approached her): Hello Ms. Uhuru.
- After Spock and Kirk are captured by Sybok's goons:
Kevin: Yay! We can ransom them for some toothpaste and soap!Mike: And I can get a new stick.
- When Kirk meets Sybock:
Kirk: I am James T. Kirk, captain of the Enterprise.Sybok: I see!Mike (as Sybok): You're that Priceline idiot.
- When Scotty bonks onto something in the hallway and gets knocked out:
Mike: Oh! Attention! Scotty has fallen! The hall has been breached!
- When they meet "God":
"God" (about Kirk): Who is this creature?Sybok: He—
- Near the end of the film:
McCoy: We were speculating. Is God really out there?Kirk: Maybe he's not out there, Bones. Maybe he's right here. *points to his heart* Human heart.Mike: ...Bullsh*t, Captain.
- "Onscreen." (A group of Klingons appear) "Aah! Offscreen! Offscreen!"
- Then there's that priceless moment when Bill asks about the female Klingons "Do you think we're seeing the only hairless part of their breasts?" and Mike can't help but scream.
Picard: Warp One, engage!Kevin: Go that way!
- "Romulan, Breen, and Klingon!" "Oh my!"
- "Doctor... Sauron..." "The Dark Lord?" "...Doctor Tarien Sauron..." "Oh, Doctor The Dark Lord."
- The scene opens on an 18th century frigate with the entire cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation wearing period appropriate naval uniforms.
Kevin Murphy: Okay, I might be jumping the gun here but this may be the dumbest-ass Star Trek movie ever made.Mike Nelson: Hm, you know what, that's easy enough to figure out, let me just get out my tricorder here, punch in a few settings, "beep", "beep, beep, beep", adjust for fluxating magnetic fields, "beep", "beep, beep", take a residual stupidity reading, "nee-re-re-re-re-re-re", Kevin I'm getting very high readings indeed, sir!Kevin Murphy: There must be emanations of asininity fouling your readings. Let me take my own, "click, click, buzz, whir, click". Yes, our data sets correspond, "click".Mike Nelson: Well, okay. There you have it: scientific proof that this is the dumbest-ass Star Trek movie ever made.Kevin Murphy: Click, buzz, whir.Mike Nelson: Nee-re-re-re-re-re-re.
- Interestingly, during Picard's tearful anguish over Renee and Robert's death, the crew become more or less silent and allow the scene to play through without mockery.
- Which could be considered a Crowning Moment of Awesome for Patrick Stewart.
- "No one's gone here before! Permission to boldly go?"
- "And now: the haunting, lyrical, kind of Samuel Barber-ish 'Husband Killing' theme."
- "The Kelvin is also known as the USS Redshirt."
- The Kelvin being heavily damaged:
- '''Bill (Pretending to be baby Kirk): "And the baby cries: Wah... wawah. Goo... googahgah."
- Spock flips out after the Vulcan bullies called his mother the "human whore":
"Please, Spock. The logical response is to return a dispiriting jab concerning one of our mothers."
- This exchange:
Sarek: (to young Spock) Emotions run deep within our race.Bill (as young Spock): No, they don't. GO TO HELL, DAD!
Captain Pike: "Your father was Captain of a starship for twelve minutes, he saved eight hundred lives. I dare you to do better."Mike (as Pike): "I have endangered eight hundred and one people's lives and you have 20 minutes to save them."
- About the Romulans:
Bill: There's a Blue Man Group missing a couple of drummers!
- During Kirk's academic cheating trial:
Kirk (to Spock): Let me ask you something I think we all know the answer to.
Mike (as Kirk): Why did Heroes suck so bad after Season 1?
- As the inappropriate funk music kicks in at the end of Spock refusing to be part of the Vulcan Science Academy:
Kevin: Funky Spock! Funky Spock! Gimme some of that funky Spock! Uh!
- At the abrupt end of Kirk's trial:
Starfleet Academy Headmaster: I hereby order all cadets to report to Hanger 1 immediately. Dismissed.
Mike: ...Oh and Kirk, you're guilty, and I sentence you to hang by the neck until dead. Bye!
- "She-Hulk is pleased!"
- On the bridge, where we meet...
Sulu (played by John Cho): I'm Hikaru Sulu.Mike (as George Takei): No, you're not.
- "AH!!!! We went to Detroit by accident!!!"
- "Has anyone seen my hamster?"
- When Nero introduces himself to the Enterprise:
Nero: Hi, Christopher. I'm Nero.
Everyone (in AA-meeting-style voices): "Hi, Nero."
- One of Disembaudio's lines, when Chekov is speaking, preserves his Funetik Aksent. "Approaching ze platform, Keptin!"
- When the Red Shirt dies:
Bill: (chuckling as he says this) Didn't realize Wile E. Coyote was on their jump team.
- On the drill landing scene:
Mike: So if I understand their plan correctly, it was: "Fall out of ship."
Kevin: I think you gave it a lot more thought than they did.
- "Wait, WHY AREN'T I MOVING?!?!"
- Bill (as a Romulan who got stabbed by Sulu and falls): "Tell my bald wife and bald children how bald I think they are!"
- When the planet-destroying Red Matter is launched:
Bill: "Launch the red matter." Hey, you know, that's diner slang for when somebody orders a bowl of tomato soup.Kevin: Hi I'm "Charlie the Alien Death Machine"! Kill you later! *laughs*
- As Vulcan is about to get consumed by a blackhole created by the red matter...
Chekov: Captain, the gravitational sensors are off the scale. If my calculations are correct, they're creating a singularity...that will... consume the planet.Bill (as Spock): "Za" planet?Mike (as Chekov): Yes sir. The whole thing.Bill (as Spock): "Za"... whole "zing"?Mike (as Chekov): Yes, and everything around it!Bill (as Spock): "Everyzing"?Mike (as Chekov): Look, we're in great danger!Bill (as Spock): Yeah, I get that; I take it pretty seriously. But...really? "Ve're" in great danger?Mike (as Chekov) Yes sir, very [sounding like weary] great danger.
- When Spock tries to evacuate the Vulcan council and his mom:
Kevin (as Spock): Nice beaming! Thanks, guys! I'll just run the six miles to spot I wanted to be.
- After planet Vulcan is destroyed
McCoy: Damn it, man, I'm a doctor, not a physicist!
Bill: No-no, more phlegm; let's hear those giant throat nodes and smoker's hack!
Kevin: (extremely gravelly) Damn it, man, I'm a doctor, not a human grizzly bear!
Bill: There you go!
- When Kirk gets ejected onto the ice-planet in an escape pod:
- During the scene on the ice planet:
Mike (as Kirk): "What the hell? Is that a tauntaun?! You guys marooned me in the wrong franchise, you idiots!"
- (in regards to the first appearance of Spock!Prime) "Alright, let's get this over with...Vulcan sign, 'Live Long and Prosper'; where's my check?"
- "It nice seeing the Creature from the Black Lagoon getting work again."
- When Kirk and Spock!Prime meet Scotty:
Scotty: I had a little debate with my instructor on the issue of relativistic physics and how it pertains to subspace travel.
Bill: Meaning "I slept with his wife."
* A little later*
Scotty: Are you from the future?
Kevin: Yes, but we pronounce it: "THE FUTURE!!!"
- "Nobody knows when it's appropriate to do impressions of Spock roaring."
- As Scotty dries the insides of his ears, one of the trio makes a little squeaky sound.
- When Kirk sees Spock and Uhura making out:
Bill (as Kirk): I'm not sure which one I'm jealous of.
- Their faces don't look like OUR faces! SHOOT THEM!
- When the drill attacks San Francisco:
Kevin: It's the vengeful laser-ghost of Harvey Milk!
- "Well, I guess it's time to summon Lord Vader."
- "Master Splinter?...Raphael?...anybody?"
- "How many people are gonna choke me (Kirk) today?"
- "Backstreet's back, alright!"
- "Only one brave sperm penetrates the egg's outer wall. Brave little sperm!"
- When victory is achieved:
Mike (as Spock): Nice.
Kevin (as Kirk): Nice.
Bill (as Sulu): Nice.
Mike (as Chekov): Neee-YIIIIIce.
- At the end:
Kirk: Scotty, how we doin'?
Mike (as Scotty): Still Scottish and whimsical, sir!
- "Scotty and his wife have a weird relationship."
- When we see Old Spock during Kirk's award ceremony:
- During the attack on the Kelvin
Ship's Computer: Autopilot Function: Disabled.Bill: Captain: Officially Boned.
Star Wars I: The Phantom Menace
- The opening with Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan:
Obi-Wan: I have a bad feeling about this.Mike: (both riffers laughing ruefully) You're not kiddin'.Kevin: That's the opening line.Qui-Gon: Be mindful of the living Force, young padawan.Obi-Wan: Yes, master.Mike: But the screenplay! I sense disaster!
- Any and all riffs pertaining to Jar Jar, but particularly when just resort to cursing him:
Jar Jar: We've no nuttin' moola to trade (or something stupid like that).Mike: Look, GO TO HELL.
- And this one:
Jar Jar: WEESA GOIN HOOOOOOME!Kevin: Oh, do so COMPLETELY shut up.
- Kevin actually vomits for five minutes while Jar-Jar talks.
- One scene has an unfortunate angle of Jar-Jar as well, as Jar Jar swims away from the camera for a few minutes.
Mike: Ah, thank you for giving us an unhindered look at the business end of America's most loathed character.
- And this surprisingly classy discussion of just how Jar-Jar annoys people:
Kevin: See, my opinion, the Jar-Jar thing isn't so inherently racist as it is more broadly offensive.Mike: Really?Kevin: Yeah, he's more annoying in a metaphysical sense.Mike: I see, so, he bugs your soul?Kevin: Actually, yes.
- And this one:
- This exchange:
Yoda: Fear leads to anger; anger leads to hate; hate leads to suffering.Mike: Um, Yoda, load of crap biggest ever heard I is that.
- Also "Hey, Yoda, up the hell shut!"
- Mike's reaction to Captain Panaka's rapid Info Dump:
Mike: Wh-who's everyone? Resistance to what? Leaders of what? What's the Federation? What the HELL is going on!?
- This exchange:
Mike: Remember when Macbeth said that life was a tale told by an idiot? I actually think he meant to say Star Wars Episode One is a tale told by an idiot.Kevin: Must've been a misprint in the First Folio edition.
- [as a battle droid] "Rommel, you magnificent son of a bitch, I read your book."
- The Running Gag of Kevin mispronouncing the names of both Padme and Naboo. This eventually turns into a game of coming up with Star Wars names more horrible than the real ones, which they end up accomplishing in the middle of the climax.
- "Every fanboy's dream: take Natalie Portman to their room and show her their robot."
- On C-3PO meeting R2-D2:
Kevin: And so begins Hollywood's most enduring gay couple.
- On Jar Jar stealing food with his tongue.
Kevin: Stop tonguing my fruit!
- This exchange:
Mike: R-4 is the Windows ME of the Astromech droids.
Kevin: Form a nerdier sentence! No, don't try! You can't!
- "Into the Weenie Mobile, and off I go!"
- This scene in the Greasy Spoon with the slovenly cook Dex:
Kevin: Mike, I invite you to think about that lizard guy's underpants.
Mike: OH! (dry-heaving) OH! (gagging) WHY, Kevin?!
Kevin: Hey, it took your mind off this whole thing for a minute, didn't it?
Mike: You're right. Why, thank you, Kevin! Ah, That guy's underpants...
- When Anakin kisses Padme:
Chad Vader: Ah, he's using the Jedi Tongue Technique. His training is now complete.
- After Obi-wan opens a door with the Force: "Oh can the theatrics, that was a remote-sensing door!"
- As C3PO and R2D2 watch their marriage.
Mike (as C3PO): Someday that will be you and me, R2, as soon as they get rid of that silly law.
- After one of the "wittier" lines:
Mike: Ah, the dialogue crackles like, uh, pudding.
- This exchange:
Mike: Uh, do we have any idea who's fighting who?
Kevin: Yes, the director is fighting the audience, and the audience is fighting back.
Mike: Ah. And who's winning?
Chad Vader: Twentieth Century Fox.
- After Anakin finds his dead mother:
Yoda: Anakin is in pain... terrible pain...
Kevin: Yeah, but what about us, Muppet boy?!
(Wipe Cut away)
Kevin: Hey, don't you wipe cut when I'm talking to you!
- Taking Padme's "I love the water" and turning it into a Running Gag. Example:
Padme: I love you.Mike: Not as much as the water.
- When the assassin probe sends the poisonous bugs to kill Padme in her sleep:
Mike (whispering as one of the poisonous bugs): FREEDOM!!!*the bugs fall onto the floor*Kevin (as one of the bugs): Ow, I broke, like, 47 legs!
- When the Nexu slashes at Padme, tearing off a sleeve and exposing her midriff...
Kevin: Ow, that just bares my midriff!Mike: *chuckles* What a conveniently alluring injury.
- During the part when Obi-Wan and Count Dooku fight (and later Anakin and Dooku):
Kevin: (on Dooku electrocuting Anakin with Force lightning) Ooh, nuclear silly-string!Followed by Kevin and Mike cheering that Anakin is KO'd
Chad Vader: I'm a master of the lightsaber and even I'm bored. Let's get it on, people!
- The scene where they gush about Padme's bedroom. A description simply cannot do it justice.
Mike: To fanboys, Amidala's bedroom is holier than Mecca, the Vatican, the Dome of the Rock, and Industrial Light and Magic combined.
- This Scene:
Mace Windu: Pilot! Land in that assembly area!
Clone: Yes, sir.
Chad Vader: Was that actually 'Pontius Pilate', 5th Procurator of Judaea? From 26 to 36 AD?
- After Shmi dies and Anakin starts his killing spree on the Tuskan village:
Kevin: Uh-oh! Kubrick face!
Mike: It's the fake Wagner music, makes him insane.
- Kevin's opinion of the Romantic Plot Tumor:
(Shot of the Clone Army)
Kevin: Have you ever seen something more of an affront to all that is holy?!?
(Wipe Cut to Anakin and Padme having a picnic in a field.)
Kevin: Except, you know, the last time we saw these two.
- "I could summon the legions of Hell."
- Anakin: "It's all Obi-Wan's fault! HE'S HOLDING ME BACK!"
Kevin (as Anakin): The girls like him 'cuz he's got a sweet beard! WHY CAN'T I HAVE A SWEET BEARD?!
- The sheer number of times they have Mace Windu (played by Samuel L. Jackson) stop resist saying mother*beep*er in this movie.
- And of course from this point forward through the remaining 4 movies (and Holiday Special), the Running Gag about how much Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader hates sand.
- When Anakin is regaining consciousness after being shocked by Dooku's Force Lightning
Chad Vader: My brother was a giant puss.
- "On May 16, 2002, roughly fifty minutes into midnight showings all across the nation, theater owners in every state witnessed a strange phenomenon. A sea of indiglow rising out of the darkness as disgruntled fanboys checked their watches en masse. Some were heard to mutter 'It's all happening again...'"
- [During the scrolling letters]
Bill: Meanwhile, Vice Chancellor Ugga Bugga and Darth Buttcrack are rendezvousing on the planet Ovaltine, where the rebel leader B.B. Snausageberry is fighting the dreaded Cameltoeians. How's that?Mike: I think you've got the hang of this whole Lucas thing. Here, have twenty billion dollars.
Bill: Oh, much obliged.
- Kevin finally cracks during the space pod battle:
Kevin: Oh. Oh no. Tell me this movie won’t have podracing, will it? ‘Cause, ‘cause if so, Mike, I’ll pay yah good money to let me out of here now. I will sign the deed to my house over to you!
Mike: Kevin, relax. Enjoy this long, long sequence coming up of Jar Jar Binks doing funny stuff.
Kevin: (screams) No, no! Mike, please! Let me out! Seriously. I will kill all your enemies. Please!
Mike: Here, breath into this paper bag.
- When Anakin meets Padme (who is wearing her hair in the bun style) again:
- Palpatine's ludicrous ham:
Palpatine: The daaaaaaark syde of de faaaaaaaaaaawce is a paaathwaaaaaaay to maaaaaany abeeleeeteez, zum cooooonisder to be unnnnnnnnnnnnaatureil.RiffTrax (*continuing): And so you see (*incomprehensible string of British accented gibberish, featuring prominent long vowels).
- Continuing the gag of not caring about the battle scenes:
Bill: [during the opening Battle of Coruscant] Bad thing: I don't know who is fighting who, where, about what. Good thing: I don't care!
- This particular exchange after one of Yoda's, um... yeah:
Yoda: I hope right you are.Michael J. Nelson [as Yoda, but in normal voice]: Or predicate will I put again before subject and gibberish shall I spout.Kevin Murphy: True that is, Mike. An idiot sounds he like.Bill Corbett: And yet by many sci-fi geeks beloved he is, though Muppet he is also, and tiring his use of anastrophe is.Michael J. Nelson: Also true that is. Annoying it very is. Off it pisses me.
- This exchange:
Mace Windu: I sense a plot to destroy the Jedi.
Mike: That's funny; we can't sense ANY plot whatsoever!
- This exchange:
Obi-Wan: Anakin, Chancellor Palpatine is evil!
Anakin: From my point of view, the Jedi are evil.
Bill: From my point of view, a monkey wrote this script with his PENIS!
- All of the jabs involving how Samuel L. Jackson is notorious for swearing.
- You're not a mother*BLEEP*ing master.
- As Mace Windu:
Kevin: I have had it with these motherf**kin Sith on this motherf**kin planet!
- Any and all jabs at Hayden Christiansen's talent...or rather, lack thereof.
- On Anakin's transformation into James Earl Jones:
Bill: He can't do it all at once, or it'll kill him! He's gotta work his way up the manly scale. First he turns into Lance Bass, then Rupert Everett—
Mike: —then Scott Stapp, David Duchovny, Wesley Snipes, Russell Crowe, Rosie O'Donnell, and THEN James Earl Jones.
- This exchange:
Palpatine: NO...no, no YOU WILL DIE!
Mike (as Palpatine): NO! I don't wanna go to tha big place!
- On Palpatine's last line following Anakin's becoming of a Sith lord:
Palpatine: ONCE MORE THE SITH WILL RUUUUUULE THE GALAXY... (voice lowering with each word) ...aaand...weee...shall have...peeeeeeeeeeaaaace.
Riffers: (clapping) Oh lovely, marvelous, Darth Actor, ladies and gentlemen, Darth Actor.
- Their take of order 66 is utterly hilarious
Palpatine: Commander Cody, the time has come. Execute Order... 66.
Bill: Spicy Shrimp with SNOW PEAS!!! (Bill echoes Palpatine's narmy evil laugh from earlier)
- Upon the reveal of Darth Vader via mechanical moving table:
Bill: If this slowly rotates him facedown into a pie, the entire journey will have been worth it.
- As the Empire watches the Death Star under construction:
Kevin Murphy: (as Tarkin) Yeah, so Darth, a couple of weeks we'll start building it, then we can take that decal off the wall of the window. Until then, looks cool, eh?
Bill: (as Vader) So, where are the ladies on this ship?
Mike: (as Palpatine) Ah, my son. You have much to learn about the Dark Side.
Bill: (as Vader) NO-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Kevin: Ah, you see, Bill? That one seems kind of warranted.
- When the Wookies are preparing to charge:
- Any and all Palpatine/Sideous Old Man jokes.
I want a muffin.Oh, my robes!I want a Fig Newton!OH, I never knew my pants could be this full!Oh, I'm whipped. Some noodle soup and bed for me.
- The Running Gag about R2 being a droid serial killer.
- When the Anakin/Vader's 501st Legion attacks the Jedi Temple:
Mike (sadly): Oh, and they even attacked the bowling alley!
Padme: Ani...I'm pregnant.
Mike: I'm pretty sure it's Watto's. I can feel its wings moving around.
- "I believe I have the right to know if you are pants-crapping insane!"
- The I Am Very British persona they give Obi-Wan.
- Mike decides to take advantage of the Palpatine/Mace Windu fight and uses the time to share a (surprisingly detailed) recipe for dip with his friends and the listeners. Made funnier by Bill and Kevin trying to listen to him and pay attention to the film at the same time.
Bill: ...Uh, Samuel has the guy pinned down now, Mike.
- "What do you think, penis-headed ghost of Hamlet's father?"
- The guys making fun of Yoda's speech pattern.
- When Anakin is complaining to Palpatine
Palpatine: It is upsetting to me to see that the Council doesn't seem to fully appreciate your talents.
Mike: WHAT TALENTS?!
- During the Order 66 Scene
Bill: Kevin, uh, execute Order 66 against Mike, can you?
Kevin (imitating a clone trooper): It will be done, my lord.
(Blaster fire, Kevin laughs evilly. Mike groans in pain.)
Bill: Ke — Kevin, what the hell?
Kevin: Uh wait, uh, 66 is to kill Mike without question wasn't it?
Bill: No, that's Order 67! I just e-mailed you about the change! 66 was to pick up some of that Hawaiian bread on the way over to Mike's [place], 'cause he's making a spinach dip.
Kevin: Now Mike's dead. Dang it. Good one, Kevin.
Mike: (grunts) No, it's — it's okay; Kevin missed.
(Bill and Kevin laugh and sigh in relief)
Bill: Though it is good to know that you're prepared to kill Mike without question, Kevin. I — I do appreciate that.
Kevin: Ah, yeah.
Mike: But, uh, you're still bringing Hawaiian bread, right?
Kevin: Mike, please, who's your BUDDY?
Mike: (Laughing) You.
Kevin: That would be ME, Mike!
Bill: The guy who would kill you without—
Mike: — kill me without question.
- When Obi-Wan's lightsaber lands in front of Commander Cody when he loses it while chasing Grievous:
Bill (as Commander Cody): What the-?! Hey! Who dropped their lipgloss?!
- ALL of the guys comments about poor old Ki Adi Mundi and his weird-looking head, which start off fairly high brow (hes certainly sitting erect) but eventually just devolve into this
Mike (during the scene where Mundi is leading an army on a snow covered planet): Santa Penis-Head defends the North Penis-Pole!
Kevin: (as Mundi) Wha? No please NOT IN THE JUNK!!! ....well since im nearly all junk DO YOUR WORST!!!
- And immidiately afterwards when the clones turn on him
Mike: Imagine the eulogy, "Ya know Bob was so much fun to be around, he would rise to the occasion, he was never down, he was always tumescent, he never just mope around the office all flacid like—Kevin OKAY!!!
- And then Mike's eulogy which finally causes Kevin to tire of the gag.
- From Mundi's scene, this joke about him looking like Santa:
Ki Adi Mundi: Come on!Bill (as Mundi): We must end the elf rebellion!
- The ultimate Call Back as Vader is about to kill one of the trade union heads.
- Yoda and Anakin talking about his premonitions:
Anakin: They're of pain, suffering... Death.
Yoda: Yourself you speak of, or someone you know?
Mike (as Yoda): Someone small and green, for instance.
- "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, a film maker said, 'I WILL create a character named Kit Fisto!'"
- "Genius, thwarting Darth Vader by sending the plans to a planet covered in sand. He hates that stuff!
- "Door. Guys. Door! Guys! DOOR! GU-ah, crap."
- "Good guys are dropping left and right, the Stormtroopers have no idea how to react. Nothing like this has ever happened to them before!"
- The riff on the scene with Vader, Tarkin, and several Imperial Officers:
- Kevin: The Council of Lousy Haircuts!
- Kevin: Phil Collins had been a real jerk since he got that toupee.
- Mike: When did we let an American in?
- Bill (as Tarkin): Can't we have just one nice meal together?
- "My pants are plastic/My helmet's tight/My balls are swinging left to right!"
- "Chafe chafe chafe chafe chafe chafe chafe..."
- "EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!"
- One of the most callous and hilarious one-liners in the entire series riff:
C-3PO: I'm C-3P0, human cyborg relations. And this is my counterpart, R2-D2.
Kevin: (as R2D2) I stood next to your mother as she died.
- Bill's reaction, a dark little chuckle and an understated "Utini" makes it the funniest thing to ever happen.
- Absolutely EVERYTHING regarding the unfortunately named Porkins.
- "I blame Porkins!"
- "I think I see pieces of Porkins all over the Death Star."
- "This will henceforth be known as St. Porkins' Day!"
- "I think we better go, there could be dangerous people lurking. What? There are dangerous people lurking? Hey, let's go check it out."
- The Tuskan Raiders Scene
Mike: Packers!! Whoo!
- When The Tusken pops out of nowhere to attack Luke:
Kevin: O'DOYLE RULES!Bill: The sand people speak fluent Sea Lion. Unfortunately, the only thing you can say in Sea Lion is: "I desire more fish, please fling them to me."
- After the Tusken Raider knocks out Luke:
- This scene:
Imperial Officer: We analyzed their attack, sir, and there is a danger. Shall I have your ship standing by?Tarkin: EVACUATE? In our moment of our triumph? I think you overestimate their chances.Bill (as Tarkin): In fact, drain the gas from my ship and lock the keys inside it! That's how strongly I feel.
- These jokes involving Dack:
- "Right now, I feel like I can take on the whole Empire by myself."
Kevin (mockingly): So his whole "Take on the Empire by yourself" thing was all just big talk, huh, that phony?!Mike: Kevin, he's dead!Kevin: He's a dead phony!
- When Dack dies:
Mike (as Dack): Oh, man. Oh, Luke, you okay? I was out cold there for a few minutes, I got this broken nose, blood everywhere, really embarrassing. Hey, my seatbelt's a little stuck, can you, uh, help me with it? Uh, Luke, where —>the hell are you going? This isn't funny, man. Don't take my wallet, you piker. When I get out of here I swear to God I'm gonna D'OWWW!Chad Vader: Clever skit, Nelson. Your powers of humor are complete.
- When Luke's snowspeeder crashes:
- On the probe droid on Hoth:
- When Chewie giggles at Leia's jibe at Han.
Kevin: (as Chewie) Pwned!Han: Laugh it up, fuzzball.Kevin: (as Chewie) Don't mind if I do, skin tube!
- After Leia kisses Luke:
Bill: (as Leia) Now, if you'll excuse me, I am scheduled to make out with my dad.
- "A klansman!"
- Chad Vader presents the lyrics to the Imperial March theme as he learned them when growing up.
"I am the friendly bunny named Fred. Come close to me and I'll feast on your head!"
- "Hm. Tripping balls I am, right now!"
- "Lando?" "Cerebro?" "Magneto!"
- "I'll be in the mystery cave on Dagobah, holding a lightsaber. First come, first serve. Must not be related. Bears preferred."
- "Down boy, quit humping my leg!"
- When we see that Darth Vader is at Cloud City:
Chad Vader: Brunch, anyone?
- Darth Vader: "There is no escape. Don't make me destroy you."
- Chad Vader: "Don't make me lay the smackdown on that ass."
- When Luke finds out that Darth Vader is in fact, his father, Anakin Skywalker:
Luke: NO!!!!!!!!! NO!!
- When Luke has visions of his friends suffering, Yoda tells him he is seeing the future.
Mike: They're attending the premiere of Episode I.
- When Vader orders Admiral Piett not to fail him:
Vader Dont fail me again, Admiral.Mike He failed, and vader turned him into a Trap-fearing Squid head
- On Leia's sad expression after Han is frozen in Carbonite:
Mike (as Leia, in a disturbed tone): Now I love Malla. I think I need help.
- Pretty much anything relating to the Ewok/Stormtrooper battle:
Bill (as dead Ewok): *groans weakly* Give my vest... to the Hair Bear Bunch. Tell Skinhorse I'll always love him. Have Funshine Bear deliver my eulogy and donate my body to... Toys For Tots...
- "Today's the day the teddy bears have their murder!"
- "Remember: these are the Empire's best troops."
- "The Hurt Locker as presented by the Build-a-Bear Workshop."
- "Gently tap them to death!"
- "My God, they're eating them. That's a little strong."
- "By dawn, the stench smoldering fun fur and melting black button eyes had blackened the sky..."
- "It's like a scene from 'Harry and the Hendersons: Harry Goes to Iraq.'"
- When an Ewok was killed by an AT-ST during the Darkest Hour (The riff makes an otherwise Tear Jerker scene into a funny moment.):
- Imperial Officer: You rebel scum.
Bill: You Imperial slut!
- [Watching the Rebels getting owned outside the Death Star during]
Emperor: The Alliance will die, as will your friends.
- "And they meet Porkins the White."
- Admiral Ackbar: "It's a trap!"
Bill: "This is no time to quote tired Internet memes, sir!"
- When Leia is disguised as Boush and is handing Chewie to Jabba.
C-3PO: "Fifty thousand, no less."Mike (as Jabba): "Well, do I look like I'm made of money?"Kevin (as a guy offscreen): "No, you look like you're made of expired Crisco!"Mike (as Jabba): "Who said that?!"
- On the (in)famous Leia gold bikini:
Bill: "And there we have it, the costume that makes Comic Con bearable."Kevin: "And in a few outlying cases, much, much worse."
- On Endor, as a scout trooper walks away from his comrade...
Bill (as the scout trooper): I'm gonna practice shooting and missing at some trees. See you later.
- When Jabba says in Huttese that he will enjoy seeing Luke die, we get this response from Kevin:
Kevin (as Jabba):... in Zelda II. It's surprisingly difficult for such an old game.
Bill (as Luke): "WHY DIDN'T I BRING MY LIGHTSABER?!"
- After the above moment, when Luke falls down into the Rancor pit:
- When the portcullis opens and the Rancor appears:
Bill: And from behind that door emerges RIP TAYLOR!Kevin: Aaah!
- At the end, when the Force Ghosts appear and Hayden Christensen is among them:
Kevin (as Luke): Oh, hey fellas. Now who the hell is smirking little douchebag?
- "This is for Itchy!"
- As Luke and Obi-Wan talk:
Obi-Wan: Your father...
Bill: Was a tool with a little ponytail.
- When Emperor Palpatine (Darth Sideous) starts torturing Luke with Force Lightning.
Darth Sideous: If you will not be turned, you will be destroyed.(The emperor shoots Force Lightning at Luke)Bill: That's funny; that's Apple's new advertising slogan, too.
- During the intro:
Announcer: Introducing Chewbacca's family!
- When Malla contacts Luke Skywalker:
Luke: Oh, look, R2, it's Chewbacca's family.Mike: What I meant to say is, "RUN, it's Chewbacca's family!"
- During the scene where Lumpy watches a holographic circus thing with obnoxious music in the background, every riff is a Crowning Moment of Funny:
(Mike, Bill and Kevin all scream in terror when the first acrobat appears.)Bill: Well, it was inevitable. Someday I knew the moment would come when I had to gouge my own eyes out. This is it!Mike: No! Bill, stay your hand! There'll be plenty of other moments coming up. Be a shame to let those go to waste.Bill: Good point.(Mike laughs in amazement at the acrobats.)Bill: (sarcastic) Wookies love this.Kevin: Like his single leather boot there. (pause) This is the very same scene that is playing on a constant loop in Ryan Seacrest's brain. (beat) Explains the smile, y'know.(The lead acrobat vanishes and reappears life size next to Lumpy playing some Dr. Seuss-like trumpet.)Mike: Elton John would give everything he owned if this were only a real device.(The acrobats swing into full steam on the table.)Bill: Even Rip Taylor thinks this goes way overboard on the camp.Kevin: Oh, no, are we going to find out why they call him "Lumpy"?Mike: (on the lead acrobat) I'd love to have been there the day this guy told the all other Keebler Elves what he really wanted to do with his life.Bill: "No, seriously?!"... (a few seconds pass) Circe du Suck... oh, why don't you just go ahead and kill me, because I really don't think I could take another second of this, guys.Kevin: If I watch any more of this, am I gonna get a letter in the mail informing me that I'm now legally gay?Bill: ...yes.Mike: You know, it might be a funny joke if you played this music if you knew someone was going to ask for your hand in marriage. "Rebecca, my dearest love, would you WEEDEE-wee-wow! WEEDEE-wee-wow! WEEDEE WEEDEE WEEDEE-wee-wow!"Bill: Kinda kill the moment. (a few seconds pass) I hate to say it, 'cause I know this is on the up-and-up, but... it all seems kinda weird.Kevin: Ah! Ah, good, the bright fuschia fish acrobats are here! It wouldn't be a Life Day without 'em!Bill: No sirree.Mike: (exasperated by the lead acrobat) Look, would you and Bryce please move to Palm Springs, buy matching Speedos and get jobs in retail and just leave us alone?!Bill: (noticing Lumpy's avid grin) There's murder in his eyes! I like where this is headed!Kevin: (as the lead acrobat) And that was the introduction, folks! Now let's get on with the show!Mike: (as Malla) Would you turn off that stupid video game?!Bill: (as Lumpy) It's not a video game, Mom. It's a video game system!
- During the first scene with Chewbacca's family, Bill gets the most obvious joke out of the way:
Bill: Well, terrifying thought, but I'm charging ahead with it anyway: If you're a furry, and you're watching this right now. are you turned on?Kevin: (horrified) Ohh! Can I be excused to have a good cry?Mike: Stay right where you are, Murphy!
- While watching the...ahem, "cooking show":
Mike: You know, sure, this makes me wanna drive a masonry chisel into my kneecap, but on the bright side, at least it's not Rachael Ray.
- And later:
Mike: Uh, you sure this aired during the family hour? Far more stirring and whipping than the FCC likes to see before ten...
- And later:
- On seeing Darth Vader for the first time:
- When Stormtroopers show up at the Wookiees' home:
Mike: (as Itchy) Don't worry, son, they can't shoot straight, and they're easy to kill!
- Mike misinterprets the lyrics to Jefferson Starship's song:
Jefferson Starship: Will you light the sky on fire?Mike: Will I light this guy on fire? No, sir, I will not!
Bill: This is it, Mike! They're finally ready to light this guy on fire!
- Bill insisting that Mike light the sky and/or that guy on fire already, in order to shut the band up.
- Turns into a Brick Joke during the Wookiee gathering near the end.
- At the conclusion of the animated short:
Bill: Han! All the blood ran to your chin!
- This exchange:
Kevin: So after this aired, the deep shame and mockery from the ordeal forced George Lucas underground and his creation Star Wars was never heard from again, right?Mike: Uh, actually, it went on to shatter records for money made and it has more devotees than many major religions.Bill: Ooh, Mike, that inconsistency caused a logical wormhole that broke Kevin's mic!
- During one commercial bumper:
Announcer: The Star Wars Holiday Special will continue in a moment!Bill: Despite the growing number of protesters outside our office!
- This little addition to Princess Leia's song:
Leia: That one day we'll be free…
- During Leia's song:
C3-PO: R2, My Eyes Are Up Here!
- During the obligatory commercial for Star Wars toys:
C-3PO: Star Wars - you and your children loved it!Bill: Then tonight happened.
- When Ackmina is trying to get her customers to leave.
Ackmina: Aren't you listening to what I'm saying? The Empire has SHUT US DOWN! The party's OVER now!Bill: Party's over! THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND!
- During the cantina scene:
(to a Rodian) Ackmena: Now please leave!Kevin: Before you get Greedo'd!
- During a CBS newsbreak:
Bill: This just in: Christmas has been cancelled due to sadness caused by The Star Wars Holiday Special.
- The newscaster scribbles something down:
Bill: "What's a five-letter word for 'Inept sci-fi director?'"
- The newscaster scribbles something down:
- Mike: "All your base are belong to Lumpy."
- After Mala first expresses concern for her husband's safety:
Bill: (as Itchy) There, there. If he's dead, we can still celebrate Life Day. We'll just call it Death Day! And instead of eating turkey and opening presents, we can bury his body before it rots.
- The guys' reactions to the family's roars and groans.
Lumpy: RIVRIVRAVRAVRIVRIVRAVRAVBill: Dear God, the kid's part-garbage disposal.Kevin: In other words, a lot like the German language. Only a little prettier.
- When Lumpy is at it again later, the guys are heard audibly losing it.
- When Han tricks a Stormtrooper into a Railing Kill.
Bill: This moment brought to you by the Wilhelm Scream.
- During Diahann Carroll's number:
Kevin: Hey, they stole the Family Affair background! Wait until Mr. French finds out about this!Mike: They'll find out why they call him "Mr. French".(long beat)Bill: (giggling) I don't know what that means!
Mike: "Now she's servicing a wookie; this is just sad!"
- During the same number, Mike lists Diahann Carroll's numerous accolades, finishing with:
- Later during the song:
Mike: I have to remember this for the next time I'm celebrating Sucking The Life Out Of Me Day.
- During Chewbacca's Flashback Montage Out:
Mike: Ladies and gentlemen, Chewbacca's lifeless stare!(Kevin cracks up.)Kevin: Oh, hey, he's flashing back to that fun little sci-fi movie whose legacy they've just irrevocably tainted.Mike: Well, if this takes up time that would have otherwise gone to another Harvey Korman bit, I'm all for it.Kevin: Uh, so why are all of Chewbacca's memories from the perspective of someone observing Chewbacca?Mike: Why do none of his memories involve his family in any way?Bill: I'm not following. How can you tell this is his memories?Mike: Well, there's a blue memory mist covering 2/3 of the screen.Bill: Huh. Hadn't noticed. It's a subtle effect.(Chewbacca's memories somehow recall the duel between Darth Vader and Obi-Wan.)Kevin: Sitting at home, feeling smug, Sir Alec Guinness suddenly Spit Takes his martini!
- When the first commercial appears.
Kevin: (on seeing Willie Rawles, GM employee) ...Wuh-wait? Is that Darth out of uniform?
- The Fruit of the Loom commercial:
Mike: (as lady) Ah, it's grapes, an apple... what the hell are you, tobacco?!
- The old lady plucking the grape:
Bill: Ahh! That wasn't a grape, lady!
- The old lady plucking the grape:
Kevin: We interrupt these commercials to bring you a longer, weirder commercial!
- When Ackmina starts a dance in the cantina to get everyone out
Bill Ah yes, the pied-piper like appeal of a mannish old crone.
- During a commercial break, the channel logo appears:
Announcer: This is CBS.
Bill: Please don't hold it against us.
- "It's the Itchy and Lumpy Shooooow!"
- The jokes during the promos for other CBS shows:
Announcer: Start your Sunday evening viewing with 60 Minutes.(Shot of Edith Bunker)Mike: Ah, Morley Safer looks terrible!
Kevin: And next week, the Tibetian Book of the Dead.
- In a promo for a movie adapation of The Bible:
Kevin: Flying High: We don't even have a Wikipedia page! note
- In a promo for a short-lived series:
- Making fun of an promo for The Wiz.
Announcer: The Wiz is...Mike: Gimmicky!Kevin: Forgettable!Announcer: The Wiz is...Bill: Off-putting!Mike: Destined to age poorly!Announcer: The Wiz is...Kevin: Certified rotten on the Tomatometer!Bill: Bad, except for Nipsey Russell.Announcer: The Wiz: it's joy, it's laughter, it's music!
- When R2 and 3PO show up at the end:
C-3PO: It's at times like this that R2 and I wish that we were more than just mechanical beings.Mike: (as R2) Speak for yourself, Turing Test flunker!
- Ackmina speaks to a short furry creature.
Ackmina: ... Wait, I don't think we met.Mike: (as creature) I played your mother for seven seasons.
Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines
- Woman: (to T-X) Are you okay?Kevin: "Okay"? The girl who works at Starbucks is "okay." She's naked, hot, and terrific!
- When the T-850 first arrives and the guys are hoping for another naked T-X:
Mike: Argh! Hey, isn't he too old to be naked? I mean, ever again?
- When the T-X climbs out of the wreckage of the crane:
Kevin: How can you fear anyone so cute and pouty?Mike: (as T-X) We are so not dating anymore!
- Scott is a smirking tool:
Kate: She killed Scott because of me.Kevin: Scott would have died of his own douche-ed-ness anyway.
- Kevin has a crush on the T-X:
Kevin: Oh, I wouldn't mind being in her "chain of command," if you know what I mean.Mike: Kevin, she's a killer, shape-shifting robot!Kevin: Ah, as long as she keeps that shape most of the time and keeps the killing down to a minimum, I'll stand at attention for her anytime.
- As Marcus dies in the end of the prologue, the movie fades to white, and "Directed by McG" appears on the screen.
Kevin: If this is the last thing I see when I die, I will assume I'm going to hell.
- Any jokes pertaining to Marcus and his having been in Avatar.
- As John Connor steps onto the landing site:
Mike (as John): "Thanks for the ride, Harrison!"
- As the Harvester first appears:
Mike: Hey, I think I'm in the wrong movie. You guys seen a douchy, stammering kid running around with a stripper?
- Any joke referencing Christian Bale's infamous tirade (which came from the shooting of this movie).
- "Don't mention the lights in front of Mr. Bale! Oh, who gave him explosives?!"
- "Hurry—get out of Christian Bale's light!"
- (As John Connor is stranded on a crashed and sinking helicopter) "He's wondering how he can blame this on the lighting guy." "Oh, good for you, you broke my helicopter - and how was it?"
- "(in a Batman-like voice) They know what you are, even if you don't!" "ROAR!"
- "WHAT ARE YOU!?" "I don't know." "ALRIGHT, I WAS JUST CURIOUS, THAT'S ALL!"
- When Marcus encounters Kyle Reese (looking much like a street urchin)
Marcus: What day is it?Bill (as Reese with a Dickens street urchin voice) Why Christmas Day sir!!
- When the old woman is giving the little girl something to eat;
Mike: What do you want, honey, Snickers? Slim Jim? Dunkaroos? You want Dunkaroos? Honey? You want Dunkaroos? *gets no response* WELL, TO HELL WITH YOU, YOU TRAUMATIZED LITTLE FREAK!
- After a man gets hit by a car and the driver proceeds to speed away;
Mike: Bet that guy didn't invite his friends to the premiere.
- Kevin: Our heroes; Torching a holding pen full of innocent fellow humans to destroy the robot they led there in the first place.
- "Oh, hai prisoner transport! Haha..."
- "Okay, quick question... WHERE ARE THEY!?!?"
- Mike makes a joke regarding Christian Bale's tendency to... overact.
John Connor: "I thought I knew our enemy... but that thing... it makes me feel like I know nothing.Mike (as John): "I WISH SOMEONE WOULD GIVE ME A BEEPING ANSWER!!!
- When John lights a flare while underground:
Bill (as John): Now I can find that gas tank!
- When the Popeye robot is after Sam:
Sam: He's gonna kill me!The robot pulls his pants down
- During the family "discussion" between Sam and his parents...
Mom: It's fine if you don't want to call it that... you can call itKevin: LaBeef Strokeitoff
- When the Sector 7 cars pull up outside the Witwicky residence and the various agents pile out...
Kevin: Mr. Anderson...Bill: ...Mr. Anderson...Mike: ...MR. Anderson...Bill: ...Mr. Anderson...Kevin: ...MIS-TER Anderson...
- Doubly funny considering who's voicing Megatron in the movies...
- When the various character groups meet up at the Hoover Dam:
Tom Banachek: Son, listen to me very carefully. People could die here.Mike: If we really put our minds to it, people could die here.
- The Decepticon roll call turned into something out of Thomas the Tank Engine.
- When Scorponok attacks the Special Ops survivors and they retreat to the nearby village to get a cell phone to be made to the Pentagon, and a bunch of locals come out with guns to assist the Special Ops team:
Mike (as Qatar locals): How dare you interrupt Will and Grace! This better be good!
- When Sam's car first transforms:
Kevin: Ah, brings me back to when I was seven years old....in that I'm cranky, kind of hungry, and I'm close to tears.
Mike: Yep, this is just like my junior prom.Kevin: Wow, hot girl in your lap?Mike: No, I was at home playing with my Transformers.
- The first thing out of 'Sam's mouth after meeting the Primes and returning to life:
"God is a bunch of robots!"
- Bumblebee's reaction upon seeing Sam apparently die.
"I'm free! I'm finally free!"
- Bill General Motors would like to remind its many former employees not to think about how much all the product placement cost.
- On the appearance of the twins.
Mike: Oh good; twin mechanical Jar Jars.Mudflap: That hurt, man.Skids: It's supposed to hurt. It's an ass-kickin'.Mike: I believe that was actually the movie poster tagline for Transformers 2.
- When a poster for Bad Boys II appears on screen.
Bill: The movie Transformers 2 would like to take this moment to remind you Michael Bay sucked 14 years ago too. We now return you to your noisy mayhem.
- During the opening:
Optimus Prime: ...a species much like our own: capable of great compassion...Bill: Hey take that back or I'll kill you!
- Everybody Shea!
- "And now Patrick Star appears and unwraps a Krabby Patty of whoopass."
- Upon seeing the results of Sam's mother eating a pot brownie
Mike: So she took the kind of pot that A) works instantly and B) gets you drunk.
- During the fight in Egypt:
Kevin: Mike, you'll tell me when I should start caring about anything that's happening, please?Mike: Will do!Kevin: Will that time ever come?Mike: It will not.
- Mike's gotten the hang of naming Transformers.
- On Ken Jeong's bowtie-sporting character:
Mike: If the Georges "Will" and "Takei" had a baby.
- On Starscream's death:
Sam: Well, he's dead.Kevin: That would be my eulogy if I was asked to speak at Michael Bay's funeral.
- This exchange:
Shia Labeouf: WOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAHHHH!!!Bill: What's that Shia?Shia Labeouf: WAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!Bill: Oh, I see!Shia Labeouf: WWWWOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOHHHHH!!!Bill: The career of Shia Labeouf summed up in five seconds, everyone.
Bumblebee: "You..." "Will always be..." "My friend..." "Sam"Kevin: "I lied..."Bill:"Actually I..."Mike: "-Never-'"Bill: "LIKED YOUU-"Mike: "-So-"Kevin: "-Go TO-"Bill "-HELL!!!!"
The Twilight Saga
- Right off the bat, they start arguing about vampire sparkliness:
Mike: Thank you, and welcome once again to RiffTrax, where I am joined by Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy.Bill: Thank you, Mike. And may I say how happy I am that our movie, Twilight, is finally telling the world something I've been saying for years: that vampires are sparkly! Ho-ho-ho, the world laughed at me and my quoteunquote "crazy ideas about vampire sparkliness", but maybe now that the truth is out, I'll get an apology! Kevin.Kevin: I-I-I never denied their sparkliness, Bill, we just happen to disagree very, very strongly about whether that sparkliness is a full-body sparkliness, huh? Is it sparkly between their toes? Sparkly on the bottom of their feet? Are their inner thighs sparkly? These are important questions, and I don't think Twilight has settled them.Bill: Oh, you had to bring up the sparkly thigh thing, didn't you? When you know that it all hinges on the buttcheeks! Frankly, sir, your views on this are well outside the norm in the vampire sparkliness research community.Kevin: (gasps) How dare you, sir?!Bill: I dare!Kevin: My contributions to the vampire buttcheeks sparkliness research are renowned, and I'll not have your slander, shame on you, sir!Bill: No, shame on you!Kevin: No, shame on-!Mike: Okay, o-okay, okay.
- Just before the opening credits:
Bella: And...this will be a good thing...
Mike: ...like Hot Topic!
Bella: ...I think.
Mike: But what do I know? I'm just your typically abnormally confident, world-weary 16-year-old female protagonist, teehee!
- "Yeah, that's the new girl; she'll fit right in driving Fred Sanford's truck!
- In the cafeteria:
Girl: ...we're talking Olympic sized!Kevin: Shh, shh, shh! I'm trying to hear about the wang sizes!
- "Lllllllladies." "Bill, those are guys." "Oh, well, dudes that look like llllllladies."
- "THIS! IS! Forks High School, home of the SPARTAns!"
- "The silver screen cannot contain the heated passion of Twilight!
- "It's hard to look Badass posing next to a Volvo."
- Edward: No one will believe you!Mike: ...quoting directly from The Abusive Guy's Handbook there.
- Kevin's version of Edward's song to Bella.
Kevin: This is a ballad that I wrote just for you... I want to chomp into your throat
And watch you bleed out on the floor
Then I'll bathe myself in your life essence as you die
Tear your heart out of your chest
And crack the bones and suck the marrow out
Slice into your brain for sandwiches
And maybe have an omelette made of...
Mike: Okay, thank you Kevin, very nice.
Kevin: I have more!
Bill: Well, sure you do, oh what a shame! The song's over!
- "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?" "Line?"
- "It's fun being eternally damned!"
- When Edward reveals his nature to Bella for the first time:
Edward: Say it...
Kevin: Alright, you're a total homo!
Bill: That's not what I meant!
Edward: Out loud...
Mike: Okay, you're a thorough-going douche...
Bill: No! You're not doing it right!
Mike: A tool?
Kevin: Close; I'm a metropire!
Edward: Are you afraid?
Mike: Seriously...I don't know what emotion you're going for, because you always just look nauseous...
- Bella is visiting the Cullens.
- "Vampires keep themselves harnessed to the ceilings at all times in case a production of Peter Pan breaks out."
- "She was coached by Shia LeBeouf for this scene."
- The scene where Edward sneaks into Bella's bedroom: "What was our math homework?"
- Cafeteria scene:
Bella: You know, your mood swings are kinda giving me whiplash.Mike: And that apple you bounced off your foot is giving me hookworm.
- After Edward has saved Bella and kisses her in the hospital:
Mike: Aw, I-I'm weakening, guys. I mean suddenly feel very invested in their love. It's-It's my love, too. Them succeeding despite all odds means I succeed despite all odds. (Cut to a shot over a forest.) Look, beautiful trees, as-as beautiful as the love between Edward and Bella and me and their beauty and... [THUNK] Ow! You hit me with a phone book!Kevin: Yep.
- And just before the end:
Kevin: Oh-oh, it's Twilight author Stephanie Meyer and she does not look happy.Mike: Oh my god! She's got a sniper rifle!
- When Bella and Edward are practicing dancing:
Mike: You mind if I slit my wrists right now, get ahead of the curve?
Bill: Oh, any old time, Mike.
Kevin: I'm surprised you haven't done it by now!
- Mike, Bill, and Kevin worrying about the taxidermy animal in science room. (I'd say It Makes Sense in Context, but...it doesn't.)
- "Typical night at Jack Nicholson's house, circa 1975."
- During the...well, rapidly changing scene:
Kevin: I'm having another acid flashback, right?
Mike: No, that's the movie.
Kevin: So...you guys also see Jim Nabors riding a killer whale in space?
Bill: Wish I did, though; that sounds great!
- Early scene mentioning the investigation into mysterious deaths.
- Sheriff: Well, another hiker got attacked by something in the woods.Mike (as Sheriff): ... we think it was a bear because it sucked all the blood out of the corpse.
- Bill singing "Yakkity Sax" while Edward runs up the hill with Bella at superspeed.
- One scene with some odd camera angles prompts the riffers to claim first that the camera man is being chased by a badger, then that he passed out due to blood loss from the badger attack, and then that the badger has taken control of the camera.
- As the movie opens...
Mike: And we're ba—
Bill: TEAM JACOB!
Mike: (disgruntled) COULD you please...?
- Bill's epic Cluster Bleep Bomb in the opening sequence.
Mike: What the hell? That's not a NEW moon, I've seen that dozens of times before! Jeez, son of a *bleep* BITCH, what the *bleep* kind of piece of *bleep* Teen Vampire bull*bleep* is this!??!
- Bella has a gift for Jacob:
Bella: It's a little crazy...Bill (as Bella): It's a statue of General Custer!
- This exchange:
Alice: It's just a little...blood.Mike (as Bella): Well it was a "little blood" until Edward flayed open my brachial artery.
- (To Bella) BOOOO! YOU SUCK! BOOOO!
- During the scene where Edward is walking through Italy to go ask the Volturi to kill him:
- As Bella is being led away from the Volturi, passing by a group of tourists being led into their chamber. Screams are heard...
Bill: Italian Police issued a statement today once again reiterating that, for the love of God, tour groups should stop going into that Castle where all the other tour groups have been mysteriously murdered.
- Pretty much the entirety of the treatment the Volturi in terms of Frank n Furter esque moaning, mockery of their effeminate portrayal, and in particular their reactions to Michael Sheen whenever they are on screen. In particular this little line as Edward is about to ask them to kill him
Bill: The High Council of GAYness will see you now!Mike and Kevin: (effeminate groaning and moaning)
- Early on...
Edward: (To Bella) This will be the last time you ever see me.Mike, Bill, and Kevin: (Triumphant cheering) Hooray! Yay!
- When Jacob first removes his shirt:
Kevin: AaaaaannndAll three: Heeyo! Hey-hey-hey-babe! Aroooogah, aroogah! Hohoho!Mike: Mom, I didn't know you wanted to see New Moon!Bill: (effeminate voice): Quiet, dear, I'm trying to watch. Th-the story! The story.
- Subversely, upon Edward doffing his shirt:
Mike: And theaters full of shrieking teenagers learn the hard way that some things are better left to the imagination.
- Subversely, upon Edward doffing his shirt:
- The end, after a whole movie's worth of sending out mixed messages and crushing hearts:
Bella: [to Jacob] I do love you.Bill: [incredulous] Sh-she does!?Mike: [through laughter] She's not a stable girl.
- Used as a Running Gag, they keep trying to catch Bella actually making it through a sentence without a Shatnerian pause. Sometimes she actually manages what would count as a whole sentence only to continue the sentence after a long pause.
I regret not buying more shiiiiiiiiirts!
I regret not buying Bob more shiiiiiiiiiiiirts!
I regret being named Embryyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
Donate my torso to Abercrombie and Fiiiiiiiiiiiiitch!
- And when Bella goes cliff-diving:
Drowning: the only way she could get more pale and sad.
- During the beach scene, when Jacob is trying to revive Bella
Bill: So, you're really suggesting another film is anywhere near as iconic and love-filled as this one?Kevin: Well, yeah, I mean-Bill: WELL YOU AND ALL YOUR PETS SHOULD DIE!!!
- Jacob: She broke her hand...punching my face.Kevin (As Charlie): Ugh, you guys went to see "Face Punch" again, didn't you?
- "Make as many mistakes as you can", the advice that inspired M. Night Shyamalan.
- Jasper flashbacking
Bella:How do you know so much about this?Mike: Read the Twilight books, they blew.Jasper: I didn't have quite the same upbringing as my adopted siblings.
- Following an awkward conversation between Bella and Charlie.
Kevin (as Charlie): ...[takes a swig from his beer] Work your dark magic, booze.
- Continuing the Running Gag from previous films, the guys continual irritation by Bella's inability to finish a...sentence, without pausing.
- Plus their horror at Charlie throwing in a random pause. "It's an epidemic!"
- [During Charlie's embarrassing marriage/sex talk with Bella]
Bella: Oh my God, Dad! I'm a virgin.Charlie: Daaah-d-d-duh, okay!Kevin: [laughs] Dad had a Chandler attack.Bill: Could my daughter BE anymore of a virgin?!
- The other Running Gag of "Line?", especially when Bella is freezing in the mountains: "L-l-line?"
- "Theeere's a pooooosibilityyyyyyyy" "Stop it!" "Come on man!"
- To the tune of "Dream Weaver," while Riley is sneaking through Bella's house:
Kevin: Whooooooa, dreeeeeeeamcatcher, I believe you can hang there and do nothing through the ni-hiiiiiiiiiight!
- Who's the bad guy?
Edward: It has to be the Volturi.Bill: The Volturi: that's Chevy's new mid-sized sedan, right?
- Bella macks on Edward:
Kevin: Mmm...you taste like Clearasil and indecision!
- As Jacob keeps Bella warm through the night:
Edward: Could you at least attempt to control your thoughts?Kevin: I'm tired of all the Glee spoilers!
- Any and all remarks in regards to Charlie's mustache.
- And on a related note, TEAM MUSTACHE DAD!
- A hilarious Shout-Out to The Room:
A vampire: Don't worry about it.Bill: Oh hai, Twilight, I'm so glad you like saying "don't worry about it" too.
- Even as she tries to clear things up, Bella continues to be the master of mixed messages.
Bella: [to Edward] This wasn't a choice between you and Jacob.Kevin: Then what the hell was the point of the last two movies?!Bella: It was a choice between who I should be and who I am.Mike: ...What the holy hell does that mean?
- After Rosalie finishes telling her story about being gang-raped, changed, and then killing her ex-fiance, Royce;
Bella: So where's Royce now?
- The jokes about how Kristen Stewart always mutters her lines, occasionally rendering them almost incomprehensible.
- "Opening my mouth to say lines is HARD!"
- Before the riff was even released the trio did a RiffTrax announcement of the impending riff, during which Bill leaves for a moment to pass a kidney stone just as Kevin and Mike start mocking the whole "Jacob imprints/falls in love with a baby" thing. When Bill returns holding the kidney stone in a glass jar, Kevin "imprints" on it much to the other's disgust
- Bill singlehandedly making a Running Gag of Edward not being able to fart, until the other guys start thinking it's in the actual movie.
- "We here at RiffTrax would like to remind you that for the last three years, Bella and Jacob have been the two most popular baby names, so please, stop it."
- Priest: "Ladies and gentlemen we're gathered here today to witness the union of Edward Cullen and Bella Swan..." "Also my bible just burst into flames for some reason."
- Talking about how the book couldn't possibly be told in one film at any especially slow moment.
- "The elderly couple in Up had hotter sex than this!"
- Later on, with Bella having passed out on the bed, Edward pulls the covers over her:
Kevin (as Edward): Cover up her lack of ass.
- On Sam Uley's wolf voice: "He sounds like Darth Vader trapped down a well."
- As Bella picks up a cell phone: "She tried to play Words With Friends but all she could come up with was 'Uhh?' and 'Edward!'."
- Everyone greets Jacob with "Sorry about Abduction."
- "So a werewolf just fell in love with the monster baby that was ripped out of its mother's womb by the teeth of her vampire husband. Stephanie Meyer, get some help. You're very, very sick and deranged, you need to be hospitalized now."
What? In dog years, she's like 14 hours!
- Mike & Bill's "super gay Volturi voices".
- To elaborate, for the entire credits they do nothing but emit Frank'n'Furter esque groans while making suggestive comments about the names in the credits.
- "Oh for the love of god, do something, you apprehensive, brain damaged...mouse-haired...sea cucumber!"
- This insight into Meyer's writing:
Carlisle: We didn't think it (Bella's pregnancy) was even possible.
- "Go ahead, tell me what big teeth I have, everybody does!"
- During Bella's nightmare about her wedding day, where her human family and friends are all dead...
- [Bella raises her hand from her dress, and notices it's blood-stained]Mike: [as Bella] "Oh, today of all days!"
- As Bella is shaving her legs during one of the pointless montages: "Somewhere the most disturbed man in the universe is saying 'That's not the razor Bella would use'".
- When Bella calls Edward and tells him she thinks she might be pregnant:
Bill (As Edward, thinking): Don't. Eat. Baby.
- During the wedding, as Bella walks down the aisle—outside, in broad daylight:
Mike: So, now you're mad when the vampires don't sparkle!?Bill: (frustrated) I don't—I don't know! I don't know what I want anymore!
- During the "Birthing scene" when the trio catch the first sight of Renesemee's bloody emergence
Kevin: GAH!! CTHULHU!!!
- The guys simply cracking up at Aro's Squee over Renesmee, and saying they can't possibly make it any funnier.
Kevin (as Aro): You like The Spin Doctors! You have all of their albums, HA-HA-HA!
- When Aro reads Edward's mind:
Aro: ... Ahhh.Kevin (again, as Aro): ... My lower back just cracked.
- And again, when Aro has that doofy, far-way, half-stoned look on his face while doing his telepathy trick:
Bill (as Renesmee looking up at Bella): Mommy, is that the guy you said bats for the other team?
- While they're mind-reading Edward:
Kevin (as Aro): When we're done here, can we swing by the Hello Kitty Store?Bill (as one of the others): Oh, yes.Cue Frank 'n Furter Moans.
- Earlier, as a trio of them emerge from the shadows:
Bill (as one of the Volturi when Irina walks into their chambers): Ick! A girl! What's a girl doing in "Gay Vampire Book Club"?!
- And later the mass Frank 'n Furter Moan when the Volturi's army appears
- And earlier, when they learn of Renesmee's existence:
- The culmination of five films' worth of mustache jokes, when Charlie declares of Jacob's wolf form "It's like some kinda full body mustache!"
- The sheer contempt and disgust they feel towards "Pedowolf" Jacob and the endless pedophilia jokes they hurl in his direction whenever he is on screen.
Edward: She has blood in her veins! You can feel her warmth.Mike: Not you, Jacob!Bill (as Jacob): Aw, come on!
- For example, when Edward is defending Renesmee's nature as a hybrid, with Jacob protecting her in the background by their car:
- "Greetings, blood-rich human progenitor. I mean, hi dad."
- This little gem:
Edward: It's painful, but it's bearable,Mike: His review of their marriage so far.
- When CGI Renesmee first shows up:
Bill: Jack-Jack from The Incredibles looked less digital than this thing!
Charlie: She has your eyes, Bella.Mike: Its like someone photoshopped your eyes onto her face.
- and later
Charlie: Look at you, you've grown half a foot!Mike: It's stickin' out of your neck, revolting!
- And even later still, when Renesmee is a bit older:
- When Charlie first sees Renesmee. "My god, she's-she's animated."
- When the wolves sense incoming vampires:
Jacob: Whoever's coming wasn't invited.Kevin: His special psychic super-power is "e-vite response awareness."
- As the credits roll:
Bill: We will see you back at RiffTrax.com for Fifty Shades of Grey!Kevin: OH GOD NO!!! NOOO!!!Mike: NOOOOOOOOOO!!
- Bella and Jacob talking in the car:
Bella: 27 vampires...Mike: ...one cup.
- Every time Emmet opens his mouth, it's always followed by one of the Riffers snapping at him. For example:
Emmet (just as Jacob's about to explain "imprinting"): This should be good.Bill: Damn it Emmet, who gave you a line?!
Emmet: Done already?Bill: Damn it Emmet, stop saying the lines!
- And later on:
Emmet: We're not even sure she is a newb-Bill: Damn it, who gave Emmet another line?!
- And even later, when they're discussing Renesmee:
- After Bella and Edward are "intimate" for the first time after her transformation:
Bella (to Edward): You really were holding back before.Mike: With the post-coital sobbing, that is.
- At the end of the "fight":
Kevin (as Edward): Beat Did we mention she's named "Renesmee"?Bill (as a Volturi): THE CHILD MUST DIE!
- At the beginning when Bella and Edward are once again issuing mumbly declarations of love and Kevin's frustration at how repetitive this is
Bella I love you...Edward I love you...Kevin Oh, they love each other?! well that hadn't been made clear to me over the course of the eight hours of film leading up to this (speaking in an increasingly enraged and frustrated tone) which consisted entirely of these two... IDIOTS!!! SITTING IN A FIELD OF BUTTERCUPS!!! MUMBLING ABOUT HOW MUCH THEY LOVE ONE ANOTHER!!!!!
- Their irritation with Garrett never shutting up about how he was in the American Revolution, until finally they just have him say apropos of nothing, "Crispus Attucks, my dear. Crispus Attucks."
- "My fake daaaaad!" "That guy's fake daaaaad!"
- During the opening scene:
Mike: Oh...Oh, do you really get to use the Holocaust in your silly little comic book movie?
Bill: It doesn't seem fair, but I guess they're doin' it...
- On Wolverine's facial hair:
Mike: You know, I don't think the Martin Van Buren mutton chops quite cut it anymore, now that it's not 1825 and all."
Bill: I think he should try a beard with no mustache for a fresher, more 1863 look.
- "Shouldn't he get back to the University of Michigan and start being their mascot?"
- "Cerebro?" "Magneto?" "Yes, Cerebro." "Why, thank you, Magneto!" "Hello, Cerebro." "Yes, Magneto." "Well, Magneto, I guess." "Cerebro."
- On Cerebro (their favorite thing in the whole movie):
Bill: Such a subtle name.
Mike: Yeah, he nearly called it "Brains A-Poppin'."
- A nice Take That at a certain other movie in the series:
Charles: This is a school for gifted mutants.
Wolverine: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Mike: Then you've never seen X-Men 3.
- This hilarious bit
Magneto: Because there is no land of tolerance. There is no peace. Not here or anywhere else. Women and children, whole families destroyed. Simply because they were born different from those in power.Mike: Fine, you can marry your boyfriend.
- When Senator Kelly starts squeezing his mutated head through the bars:
Mike: Well, mutant or not, that's just remarkable stupid!
- Magneto (to Xavier): YOU SHOULD HAVE KILLED ME WHEN YOU HAD THE CHANCE!!Bill: Well now it sounds like Christmas at the Corbett home.
- When Beast returns to the X-Mansion...
Beast: Ororo, Charles!
- ""Oh hi, Alcatraz. Hope Chris R does not escape. Hahaha..."
- "Oh, hai, army of mutants!"
- Every single time they mimic Ian McKellen's voice. Campiness ensues.
- This line involving Ellen Page's character
- Magneto trying to make an "I Will Survive" music video.
- After Bobby beats Pyro
Bobby: You never should have left [the school]!Kevin: Nobody fed your fish and it died!