- This exchange:
Mike: R-4 is the Windows ME of the Astromech droids.
Kevin: Form a nerdier sentence! No, don't try! You can't!
- "Into the Weenie Mobile, and off I go!"
- This scene in the Greasy Spoon with the slovenly cook Dex:
: Mike, I invite you to think about that lizard guy's underpants. Mike
: OH! (dry-heaving)
OH! (gagging) WHY, Kevin?! Kevin
: Hey, it took your mind off this whole thing for a minute, didn't it? Mike
: You're right. Why, thank you, Kevin! Ah, That guy's underpants...
- When Anakin kisses Padme:
Ah, he's using the Jedi Tongue Technique. His training is now complete.
- After Obi-wan opens a door with the Force: "Oh can the theatrics, that was a remote-sensing door!"
- As C3PO and R2D2 watch their marriage.
Mike (as C3PO): Someday that will be you and me, R2, as soon as they get rid of that silly law.
- After one of the "wittier" lines:
Mike: Ah, the dialogue crackles like, uh, pudding.
- This exchange:
Mike: Uh, do we have any idea who's fighting who?
Kevin: Yes, the director is fighting the audience, and the audience is fighting back.
Mike: Ah. And who's winning?
Chad Vader: Twentieth Century Fox.
- After Anakin finds his dead mother:
: Anakin is in pain... terrible
: Yeah, but what about us, Muppet boy?! (Wipe Cut away) Kevin
: Hey, don't you wipe cut when I'm talking to you!
- Taking Padme's "I love the water" and turning it into a Running Gag. Example:
Padme: I love you.
Mike: Not as much as the water.
- When the assassin probe sends the poisonous bugs to kill Padme in her sleep:
Mike (whispering as one of the poisonous bugs): FREEDOM!!!
*the bugs fall onto the floor*
Kevin (as one of the bugs): Ow, I broke, like, 47 legs!
- When the Nexu slashes at Padme, tearing off a sleeve and exposing her midriff...
- During the part when Obi-Wan and Count Dooku fight (and later Anakin and Dooku):
Kevin: (on Dooku electrocuting Anakin with Force lightning) Ooh, nuclear silly-string!
Followed by Kevin and Mike cheering that Anakin is KO'd
: I'm a master of the lightsaber and even I'm
bored. Let's get it on, people!
- The scene where they gush about Padme's bedroom. A description simply cannot do it justice.
Mike: To fanboys, Amidala's bedroom is holier than Mecca, the Vatican, the Dome of the Rock, and Industrial Light and Magic combined.
- This Scene:
: Pilot! Land in that assembly area! Clone
: Yes, sir. Chad Vader
: Was that actually 'Pontius Pilate', 5th Procurator of Judaea? From 26 to 36 AD? Mike
- After Shmi dies and Anakin starts his killing spree on the Tuskan village:
: Uh-oh! Kubrick face
: It's the fake Wagner music, makes him insane.
- Kevin's opinion of the Romantic Plot Tumor:
(Shot of the Clone Army) Kevin:
Have you ever seen something more of an affront to all that is holy?!?
to Anakin and Padme having a picnic in a field.) Kevin:
Except, you know, the last time we saw these two.
- "I could summon the legions of Hell."
- Anakin: "It's all Obi-Wan's fault! HE'S HOLDING ME BACK!"
Kevin (as Anakin): The girls like him 'cuz he's got a sweet beard! WHY CAN'T I HAVE A SWEET BEARD?!
- The sheer number of times they have Mace Windu (played by Samuel L. Jackson) stop resist saying mother*beep*er in this movie.
- And of course from this point forward through the remaining 4 movies (and Holiday Special), the Running Gag about how much Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader hates sand.
- When Anakin is regaining consciousness after being shocked by Dooku's Force Lightning
- "On May 16, 2002, roughly fifty minutes into midnight showings all across the nation, theater owners in every state witnessed a strange phenomenon. A sea of indiglow rising out of the darkness as disgruntled fanboys checked their watches en masse. Some were heard to mutter 'It's all happening again...'"
- [During the scrolling letters]
Bill: Meanwhile, Vice Chancellor Ugga Bugga and Darth Buttcrack are rendezvousing on the planet Ovaltine, where the rebel leader B.B. Snausageberry is fighting the dreaded Cameltoeians. How's that?
Mike: I think you've got the hang of this whole Lucas thing. Here, have twenty billion dollars.
Bill: Oh, much obliged.
- Kevin finally cracks during the space pod battle:
Oh. Oh no. Tell me this movie won’t have podracing, will it? ‘Cause, ‘cause if so, Mike, I’ll pay yah good money to let me out of here now. I will sign the deed to my house over to you! Mike:
Kevin, relax. Enjoy this long, long sequence coming up of Jar Jar Binks doing funny stuff. Kevin: (screams) No, no! Mike, please! Let me out! Seriously. I will kill all your enemies. Please! Mike:
Here, breath into this paper bag.
- When Anakin meets Padme (who is wearing her hair in the bun style) again:
- Palpatine's ludicrous ham:
Palpatine: The daaaaaaark syde of de faaaaaaaaaaawce is a paaathwaaaaaaay to maaaaaany abeeleeeteez, zum cooooonisder to be unnnnnnnnnnnnaatureil.
RiffTrax (*continuing): And so you see (*incomprehensible string of British accented gibberish, featuring prominent long vowels).
- Continuing the gag of not caring about the battle scenes:
Bill: [during the opening Battle of Coruscant] Bad thing: I don't know who is fighting who, where, about what. Good thing: I don't care!
- This particular exchange after one of Yoda's, um... yeah:
Yoda: I hope right you are.
Kevin Murphy: True that is, Mike. An idiot sounds he like.
Bill Corbett: And yet by many sci-fi geeks beloved he is, though Muppet he is also, and tiring his use of anastrophe is.
Michael J. Nelson: Also true that is. Annoying it very is. Off it pisses me.
- This exchange:
Mace Windu: I sense a plot to destroy the Jedi.
Mike: That's funny; we can't sense ANY plot whatsoever!
- This exchange:
Obi-Wan: Anakin, Chancellor Palpatine is evil!
Anakin: From my point of view, the Jedi are evil.
Bill: From my point of view, a monkey wrote this script with his PENIS!
- All of the jabs involving how Samuel L. Jackson is notorious for swearing.
- You're not a mother*BLEEP*ing master.
- As Mace Windu:
- Any and all jabs at Hayden Christiansen's talent...or rather, lack thereof.
- On Anakin's transformation into James Earl Jones:
Bill: He can't do it all at once, or it'll kill him! He's gotta work his way up the manly scale. First he turns into Lance Bass, then Rupert Everett—
Mike: —then Scott Stapp, David Duchovny, Wesley Snipes, Russell Crowe, Rosie O'Donnell, and THEN James Earl Jones.
- This exchange:
- On Palpatine's last line following Anakin's becoming of a Sith lord:
Palpatine: ONCE MORE THE SITH WILL RUUUUUULE THE GALAXY... (voice lowering with each word) ...aaand...weee...shall have...peeeeeeeeeeaaaace.
Riffers: (clapping) Oh lovely, marvelous, Darth Actor, ladies and gentlemen, Darth Actor.
- Their take of order 66 is utterly hilarious
Commander Cody, the time has come. Execute Order... 66. Bill: Spicy Shrimp with SNOW PEAS!!! (Bill echoes Palpatine's narmy evil laugh from earlier)
- Upon the reveal of Darth Vader via mechanical moving table:
Bill: If this slowly rotates him facedown into a pie, the entire journey will have been worth it.
- As the Empire watches the Death Star under construction:
Kevin Murphy: (as Tarkin)
Yeah, so Darth, a couple of weeks we'll start building it, then we can take that decal off the wall of the window. Until then, looks cool, eh? Bill: (as Vader)
So, where are the ladies on this ship? Mike: (as Palpatine)
Ah, my son. You have much to learn about the Dark Side. Bill: (as Vader) NO-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Kevin:
Ah, you see, Bill? That one seems kind of warranted.
- When the Wookies are preparing to charge:
- Any and all Palpatine/Sideous Old Man jokes.
I want a muffin.
Oh, my robes!
I want a Fig Newton!
OH, I never knew my pants could be this full!
Oh, I'm whipped. Some noodle soup and bed for me.
- The Running Gag about R2 being a droid serial killer.
- When the Anakin/Vader's 501st Legion attacks the Jedi Temple:
Mike (sadly): Oh, and they even attacked the bowling alley!
Padme: Ani...I'm pregnant.
Mike: I'm pretty sure it's Watto's. I can feel its wings moving around.
- "I believe I have the right to know if you are pants-crapping insane!"
- The I Am Very British persona they give Obi-Wan.
- Mike decides to take advantage of the Palpatine/Mace Windu fight and uses the time to share a (surprisingly detailed) recipe for dip with his friends and the listeners. Made funnier by Bill and Kevin trying to listen to him and pay attention to the film at the same time.
Bill: ...Uh, Samuel has the guy pinned down now, Mike.
- "What do you think, penis-headed ghost of Hamlet's father?"
- The guys making fun of Yoda's speech pattern.
- When Anakin is complaining to Palpatine
Palpatine: It is upsetting to me to see that the Council doesn't seem to fully appreciate your talents.
Mike: WHAT TALENTS?!
- During the Order 66 Scene
Bill: Kevin, uh, execute Order 66 against Mike, can you?
Kevin (imitating a clone trooper): It will be done, my lord.
(Blaster fire, Kevin laughs evilly. Mike groans in pain.)
Bill: Ke — Kevin, what the hell?
Kevin: Uh wait, uh, 66 is to kill Mike without question wasn't it?
Bill: No, that's Order 67! I just e-mailed you about the change! 66 was to pick up some of that Hawaiian bread on the way over to Mike's [place], 'cause he's making a spinach dip.
Kevin: Now Mike's dead. Dang it. Good one, Kevin.
Mike: (grunts) No, it's — it's okay; Kevin missed.
(Bill and Kevin laugh and sigh in relief)
Bill: Though it is good to know that you're prepared to kill Mike without question, Kevin. I — I do appreciate that.
Kevin: Ah, yeah.
Mike: But, uh, you're still bringing Hawaiian bread, right?
Kevin: Mike, please, who's your BUDDY?
Mike: (Laughing) You.
Kevin: That would be ME, Mike!
Bill: The guy who would kill you without—
Mike: — kill me without question.
- When Obi-Wan's lightsaber lands in front of Commander Cody when he loses it while chasing Grievous:
Bill (as Commander Cody): What the-?! Hey! Who dropped their lipgloss?!
- ALL of the guys comments about poor old Ki Adi Mundi and his weird-looking head, which start off fairly high brow (hes certainly sitting erect) but eventually just devolve into this
Mike (during the scene where Mundi is leading an army on a snow covered planet): Santa Penis-Head defends the North Penis-Pole!
- And immidiately afterwards when the clones turn on him
Kevin: (as Mundi) Wha? No please NOT IN THE JUNK!!! ....well since im nearly all junk DO YOUR WORST!!!
- And then Mike's eulogy which finally causes Kevin to tire of the gag.
Mike: Imagine the eulogy, "Ya know Bob was so much fun to be around, he would rise to the occasion, he was never down, he was always tumescent, he never just mope around the office all flacid like—
- From Mundi's scene, this joke about him looking like Santa:
Ki Adi Mundi: Come on!
Bill (as Mundi): We must end the elf rebellion!
- The ultimate Call Back as Vader is about to kill one of the trade union heads.
- Yoda and Anakin talking about his premonitions:
Anakin: They're of pain, suffering... Death.
Yoda: Yourself you speak of, or someone you know?
Mike (as Yoda): Someone small and green, for instance.
- Pretty much anything relating to the Ewok/Stormtrooper battle:
- "Today's the day the teddy bears have their murder!"
- "Remember: these are the Empire's best troops."
- "The Hurt Locker as presented by the Build-a-Bear Workshop."
- "Gently tap them to death!"
- "My God, they're eating them. That's a little strong."
- "By dawn, the stench smoldering fun fur and melting black button eyes had blackened the sky..."
- "It's like a scene from 'Harry and the Hendersons: Harry Goes to Iraq.'"
- When an Ewok was killed by an AT-ST during the Darkest Hour (The riff makes an otherwise Tear Jerker scene into a funny moment.):
Bill (as dead Ewok): *groans weakly* Give my vest... to the Hair Bear Bunch. Tell Skinhorse I'll always love him. Have Funshine Bear deliver my eulogy and donate my body to... Toys For Tots...
- Imperial Officer: You rebel scum.
Bill: You Imperial slut!
- [Watching the Rebels getting owned outside the Death Star during]
Emperor: The Alliance will die, as will your friends.
- "And they meet Porkins the White."
- Admiral Ackbar: "It's a trap!"
Bill: "This is no time to quote tired Internet memes, sir!"
- When Leia is disguised as Boush and is handing Chewie to Jabba.
C-3PO: "Fifty thousand, no less."
Mike (as Jabba): "Well, do I look like I'm made of money?"
Kevin (as a guy offscreen): "No, you look like you're made of expired Crisco!"
Mike (as Jabba): "Who said that?!"
- On the (in)famous Leia gold bikini:
Bill: "And there we have it, the costume that makes Comic Con bearable."
Kevin: "And in a few outlying cases, much, much worse."
- On Endor, as a scout trooper walks away from his comrade...
- When Jabba says in Huttese that he will enjoy seeing Luke die, we get this response from Kevin:
Kevin (as Jabba)
:... in Zelda II
. It's surprisingly difficult for such an old game.
- After the above moment, when Luke falls down into the Rancor pit:
Bill (as Luke): "WHY DIDN'T I BRING MY LIGHTSABER?!"
- When the portcullis opens and the Rancor appears:
Bill: And from behind that door emerges RIP TAYLOR!
- At the end, when the Force Ghosts appear and Hayden Christensen is among them:
Kevin (as Luke): Oh, hey fellas. Now who the hell is smirking little douchebag?
- "This is for Itchy!"
- As Luke and Obi-Wan talk:
Obi-Wan: Your father...
Bill: Was a tool with a little ponytail.
- When Emperor Palpatine (Darth Sideous) starts torturing Luke with Force Lightning.
Darth Sideous: If you will not be turned, you will be destroyed.
(The emperor shoots Force Lightning at Luke)
Bill: That's funny; that's Apple's new advertising slogan, too.
- During the intro:
Announcer: Introducing Chewbacca's family!
- When Malla contacts Luke Skywalker:
Luke: Oh, look, R2, it's Chewbacca's family.
Mike: What I meant to say is, "RUN, it's Chewbacca's family!"
- During the scene where Lumpy watches a holographic circus thing with obnoxious music in the background, every riff is a Crowning Moment of Funny:
(Mike, Bill and Kevin all scream in terror when the first acrobat appears.)
Mike: No! Bill, stay your hand! There'll be plenty of other moments coming up. Be a shame to let those go to waste.
Bill: Good point.
(Mike laughs in amazement at the acrobats.)
Bill: (sarcastic) Wookies love this.
Like his single leather boot there. (pause)
This is the very same scene that is playing on a constant
loop in Ryan Seacrest's brain. (beat)
Explains the smile, y'know.
(The lead acrobat vanishes and reappears life size next to Lumpy playing some Dr. Seuss-like trumpet.)
Mike: Elton John would give everything he owned if this were only a real device.
(The acrobats swing into full steam on the table.)
Bill: Even Rip Taylor thinks this goes way overboard on the camp.
Kevin: Oh, no, are we going to find out why they call him "Lumpy"?
Mike: (on the lead acrobat) I'd love to have been there the day this guy told the all other Keebler Elves what he really wanted to do with his life.
Bill: "No, seriously?!"... (a few seconds pass) Circe du Suck... oh, why don't you just go ahead and kill me, because I really don't think I could take another second of this, guys.
Kevin: If I watch any more of this, am I gonna get a letter in the mail informing me that I'm now legally gay?
Mike: You know, it might be a funny joke if you played this music if you knew someone was going to ask for your hand in marriage. "Rebecca, my dearest love, would you WEEDEE-wee-wow! WEEDEE-wee-wow! WEEDEE WEEDEE WEEDEE-wee-wow!"
Bill: Kinda kill the moment. (a few seconds pass)
I hate to say it, 'cause I know this is on the up-and-up, but... it all seems kinda weird.
Kevin: Ah! Ah, good, the bright fuschia fish acrobats are here! It wouldn't be a Life Day without 'em!
Bill: No sirree.
Mike: (exasperated by the lead acrobat) Look, would you and Bryce please move to Palm Springs, buy matching Speedos and get jobs in retail and just leave us alone?!
Bill: (noticing Lumpy's avid grin) There's murder in his eyes! I like where this is headed!
Kevin: (as the lead acrobat) And that was the introduction, folks! Now let's get on with the show!
Mike: (as Malla) Would you turn off that stupid video game?!
Bill: (as Lumpy) It's not a video game, Mom. It's a video game system!
- During the first scene with Chewbacca's family, Bill gets the most obvious joke out of the way:
Well, terrifying thought, but I'm charging ahead with it anyway: If you're a furry
, and you're watching this right now. are you turned on?
) Ohh! Can I be excused to have a good cry?
Mike: Stay right where you are, Murphy!
- While watching the...ahem, "cooking show":
- When Stormtroopers show up at the Wookiees' home:
- Mike misinterprets the lyrics to Jefferson Starship's song:
Jefferson Starship: Will you light the sky on fire?
Mike: Will I light this guy on fire? No, sir, I will not!
- Bill insisting that Mike light the sky and/or that guy on fire already, in order to shut the band up.
- Turns into a Brick Joke during the Wookiee gathering near the end.
Bill: This is it, Mike! They're finally ready to light this guy on fire!
- At the conclusion of the animated short:
Bill: Han! All the blood ran to your chin!
- This exchange:
So after this aired, the deep shame and mockery from the ordeal forced George Lucas
underground and his creation Star Wars
was never heard from again, right?
Mike: Uh, actually, it went on to shatter records for money made and it has more devotees than many major religions.
Ooh, Mike, that inconsistency caused a logical wormhole
that broke Kevin's mic!
- During one commercial bumper:
Announcer: The Star Wars Holiday Special will continue in a moment!
Bill: Despite the growing number of protesters outside our office!
- This little addition to Princess Leia's song:
Leia: That one day we'll be free…
- During Leia's song:
- During the obligatory commercial for Star Wars toys:
C-3PO: Star Wars - you and your children loved it!
Bill: Then tonight happened.
- When Ackmina is trying to get her customers to leave.
Ackmina: Aren't you listening to what I'm saying? The Empire has SHUT US DOWN! The party's OVER now!
- During a CBS newsbreak:
Bill: This just in: Christmas has been cancelled due to sadness caused by The Star Wars Holiday Special.
- Mike: "All your base are belong to Lumpy."
- After Mala first expresses concern for her husband's safety:
Bill: (as Itchy) There, there. If he's dead, we can still celebrate Life Day. We'll just call it Death Day! And instead of eating turkey and opening presents, we can bury his body before it rots.
- When Han tricks a Stormtrooper into a Railing Kill.
- During Diahann Carroll's number:
Hey, they stole the Family Affair
background! Wait until Mr. French finds out about this!
Mike: They'll find out why they call him "Mr. French".
Bill: (giggling) I don't know what that means!
- During the same number, Mike lists Diahann Carroll's numerous accolades, finishing with:
Mike: "Now she's servicing a wookie; this is just sad!"
- Later during the song:
Mike: I have to remember this for the next time I'm celebrating Sucking The Life Out Of Me Day.
- During Chewbacca's Flashback Montage Out:
Mike: Ladies and gentlemen, Chewbacca's lifeless stare!
(Kevin cracks up.)
Mike: Well, if this takes up time that would have otherwise gone to another Harvey Korman bit, I'm all for it.
Kevin: Uh, so why are all of Chewbacca's memories from the perspective of someone observing Chewbacca?
Mike: Why do none of his memories involve his family in any way?
Bill: I'm not following. How can you tell this is his memories?
Mike: Well, there's a blue memory mist covering 2/3 of the screen.
(Chewbacca's memories somehow recall the duel between Darth Vader and Obi-Wan.)
Sitting at home, feeling smug, Sir Alec Guinness suddenly Spit Takes
- When the first commercial appears.
Kevin: (on seeing Willie Rawles, GE employee) ...Wuh-wait? Is that Darth out of uniform?
- The Fruit of the Loom commercial:
Mike: (as lady) Ah, it's grapes, an apple... what the hell are you, tobacco?!
Kevin: We interrupt these commercials to bring you a longer, weirder commercial!
- When Ackmina starts a dance in the cantina to get everyone out
- During a commercial break, the channel logo appears:
Announcer: This is CBS.
Bill: Please don't hold it against us.
- "It's the Itchy and Lumpy Shooooow!"
- The jokes during the promos for other CBS shows:
Announcer: Start your Sunday evening viewing with 60 Minutes.
Mike: Ah, Morley Safer looks terrible!
- In a promo for a movie adapation of The Bible:
Kevin: And next week, the Tibetian Book of the Dead.
- In a promo for a short-lived series:
Kevin: Flying High: We don't even have a Wikipedia page! note
- Making fun of an promo for The Wiz.
Announcer: The Wiz is...
Announcer: The Wiz is...
Mike: Destined to age poorly!
Announcer: The Wiz is...
Kevin: Certified rotten on the Tomatometer!
Bill: Bad, except for Nipsey Russell.
Announcer: The Wiz: it's joy, it's laughter, it's music!
- When R2 and 3PO show up at the end:
C-3PO: "It's at times like this that R2 and I wish that we were more than just mechanical beings."
Mike: (as R2) "Speak for yourself, Turing Test flunker!"