Rifftrax Harry Potter / Funny

The Harry Potter series as a whole has a long Running Gag of referring to Hogwarts as a Satan-worshipping Death Trap, given all the accidents, attacks, teachers being evil, etc.

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Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's/Philosopher's Stone

Dumbledore laying baby Harry down on the Dursleys' doorstep:
Mike: When they get back from vacation next month, they'll find him right here.
At the end of the prologue...
Dumbledore: Good luck ... Harry Potter.
Mike: And life was never the same for any poor schmoe who happened to have that name.
As Hagrid lands his flying motorcycle on Privet Drive:
Kevin: Ah, Hagrid has returned from the magical land known as Sturgis!
When the Dursleys come back from the zoo after rescuing Dudley from the snake tank:
Harry: One minute the glass was there and then it was gone, it was like magic!
Uncle Vernon: (throwing Harry in the cupboard) There's no such thing as magic!
Bill (as Harry): Well, there's no such thing as being "big-boned" either!
When Harry gets his first Hogwarts acceptance letter and goes to the kitchen (where the Dursleys are) to open it:
Bill (as Harry): My abusive family who lives to deprive me of happiness! That's who I'll open my first letter ever in front of!
After Hagrid breaks down the door to the hut on the rock:
Bill: (in a Monstrous Voice) Can I interest you in some Girl Scout cookies??
And when Hagrid enters:
Bill: Bonesaw is READY... to be the father you never had.
Upon meeting Hagrid:
Harry: Excuse me...
Bill (as Harry): Could you please kill these horrible people?
"Somewhere out there, beneath the paaaale moonliiiight..."
- In Diagon Alley, from the owls: "Go to the Rats of NIMH!"
At Gringotts Bank...
Bill: Gringotts spelled backwards is "Sttognirg"!
During the sorting ceremony:
Sorting Hat: Hufflepuff!
Bill (as the Sorting Hat): Or is it Floofenpoof? I don't know; I'm drunk!
As the first years enter the hall before the sorting ceremony...
Mike: WE DON'T NEED NO wizard EDUCATION!
When the Start-of-Term Feast begins.
Mike: Wow, chicken wings and corn! It's as magical as a Boston Market!
Draco summoning his broomstick:
Mike (as Draco): Sieg heil—I mean, "up!"
The numerous Nazi jokes they make at Malfoy, particularly this moment after Gryffindor wins the Quidditch match and it shows Draco looking really upset:
Kevin (as Draco Malfoy): What will mein führer say!?
When Oliver is explaining the "easy" rules of Quidditch to Harry:
Oliver: Each team has seven players: three chasers, two beaters, one keeper, and a seeker.
Kevin: (imitating accent) Oh, and uh, three cheesemongers, fourteen alphabetizers, and uh, one highlander, because (chuckles) there can be only one.
The first Quidditch match:
Kevin: On my signal, untether Purgatory!
Bill: Or unleash hell.
"And standing in for Dumbledore is the embalmed corpse of Dumbledore."
When Harry is snooping in the Restricted Section in the Invisibility Cloak:
Filch: Who's there?
Bill: No, no, you have to start by saying "knock, knock"!
Kevin (as Filch): Ah, let me try it again. Banana who?
Bill: Look, just forget it...
"Now shut up and kiss me." Made even funnier by Bill's pitch-perfect Alan Rickman impersonation.
- And its follow-up quote, right after Snape gropes at the air where Harry (in the Invisibility Cloak) was standing moments ago:
  Bill (as Snape): Hmm, odd. (Snape pins Quirrell to the wall again) Anyway, back to necking...
When McGonagall turns from cat to human in the classroom:
Mike (as McGonagall): Meeoorowrning, everyone!
Halloween:
Quirrell: TROLL IN THE DUNGEON!
Kevin: Troll in the dungeon and pumpkins in the sky!
Mike: More like "gin in the teacher".
When Hermione is moping in the restroom:
Kevin: It's never a good sign when you leave the stall crying.
When Hagrid first mentions Nicholas Flamel.
Hagrid: What that dog is guarding is strictly between Professor Dumbledore and Nicholas Flamel.
Mike: Who we know now is Dumbledore's boyfriend.
Snape: What would three young Gryffindors such as yourselves be doing inside... on a day like this?
Bill (as Harry): We were going to eat Dinty Moore straight from the can and leer at the Victoria's Secret catalogue. Oh wait, that's you, Professor!
When Neville tries to stop the group from leaving the dormitory:
"His jammies show that he means business."
- After Hermione casts a full body-bind curse on Neville:
  "Anyone else want to be a hero?!"
During the life-size wizard chess game:
Ron: Once I make my move, the queen will take me.
Bill: A phrase uttered nightly by George Michael.
- When the queen piece approaches Ron:
  Bill: Hmm, Ron's gonna die of old age before the queen gets to him.
- And then...
  Harry: RON!!!
  Bill (as Harry): Is what I meant to shout five seconds ago!
During the Finger Poke of Doom scene:
Kevin (as Voldemort's face): Okay, what's happening? Are we winning? What's that smell?
Harry holds the Sorcerer's (Philosopher's) Stone while Voldemort's smoky spirit appears behind him.
Bill (as Harry): Now it's just you and me, baby, no more stupid Voldemort — Oh he's right behind me isn't he? This is awkward.
- Also after Voldemort's spirit passes through Harry, knocking him out.
  Bill: Do I get lung cancer from this?
  Mike: Kids, if a smoke wizard ever touches you in a way that doesn't feel right, tell a responsible adult.
When it looks like Slytherin is going to win the House Cup AGAIN, Bill is irate:
Bill: What?! They're in last?! But that's our heroes! IT can't be!
Mike: Relax, Bill. It'll work out.
Bill: But HOW?! They're so far behind!
Kevin: Don't get worked up, Bill. Trust us.
Bill: Stupid house cup. This is a travesty! Stupid old snake kids are gonna win!
[...]
Bill: AND RAVENCLAW! NAME ONE KID IN RAVENCLAW! Yeah, I didn't think so.
"Come join us, son... Join us..." Even funnier considering James and Lily's encouragement in Deathly Hallows as Harry goes to his death.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

"Bet you can't guess how drunk we are!"
"Ron! Fred! George!"
Mike: "Ringo!"
When Harry is escaping from the window
Mike (as Uncle Vernon): (quick yawn) Bacon sandwiches, is that you?
...
Mike (as Uncle Vernon): Pork where you are, in the name of gravy!
Kevin (as Uncle Vernon): (falling out the window) Tell sausage I love IT!!
Hagrid's reply after being asked why he was in Knockturn Alley:
Hagrid: I was looking for... flesh-eating slug repellant.
Bill (as Hagrid): Not hookers.
Hagrid: They've been eating the school cabbages.
Bill (as Hagrid): Definitely not hookers.
On Gilderoy Lockhart's introduction:
Mike: Yes, treat your family and friends to the flavor of traditional Northern Irish ham.
Gilderoy: When Harry walked into Flourish and Blotts this morning-
Mike (as Gilderoy): He tried to knee me in the groin and rightly so.
"Charlotte's funeral service just let out."
Upon finding Mrs. Norris petrified:
Filch: You've murdered my cat.
Mike (as Filch): You shall become my new cat.
Later:
Dumbledore: Everyone will proceed to their dormitories immediately.
Bill: Lock up your cats!
Dumbledore: Everyone except... you three.
Mike (as Dumbledore): Uh, Larry, Don, and the Mudblood.
This line
Dumbledore: (about Mrs Norris the cat) Shes not dead Argus.
Kevin (as Dumbledore): She's CATatonic! ...Sorry.
(on Harry speaking parseltongue) "I believe that translates to "Watch out for snakes."
The disclaimers about Quidditch:
Mike: Quidditch: it's like the WNBA divided by curling!
Kevin: Quidditch: it's what your wife sees when you make her watch baseball!
Bill: Quidditch: there's actually videos of people trying to play it on Youtube!
Bill: Quidditch: take NASCAR, subtract the drunks, sunburn, and Confederate flags, but yet still somehow make it much, much worse.
(of Malfoy) "Boy, is my face punchable!"
When Snape hurls Lockhart to the ground during the duel session:
Hermione: Do you think he's all right?
Ron: Who cares?
Mike (as Ron): I came for blood!
Harry, Ron, and Hermione run into Harry's room to find everything messed up.
Mike (as Hedwig): (perched nonchalantly on the nightstand) Okay, I did it. I was bored. Hoo.
"Check, pleeease."
- "For God's sake, CHEEEEECK."
"The Justice League of Hogwarts answers the call!"
As Harry flails wildly with his sword during the battle with the basilisk.
Mike: (laughs) Nice sword work, Harry. Skipped fencing, too, I see.
Kevin: Oh no, he went, but his instructor was Mr. Bean.
As Harry stabs the diary Horcrux:
Kevin (as Tom Riddle): Ooh, when I turned myself into a book, I never imagined for a moment that books could be damaged!
Bill (as Tom Riddle): I should have laminated myself!
"Sweep the leg, Draco."
Any time any of the riffers mimic's Dumbledore's wheezing.
Commentary on the general cruelty of the wizarding world, such as
McGonagall: Today we will be transforming animals into water-goblets.
Kevin: Why? Because we can! Mwehehehehe!"
On the enchanted diary:
Bill: Buy the new bestseller by Tom Clancy, "Dangerous Fearful Danger." It will literally BLOW UP YOUR HOUSE!
Dumbledore: (Raspy) In the past few hours...
* WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZE*
Did he just die right there?
Dumbledore: All exams have been canceled.
Bill (as Dumbledore): Head out into the world as the uneducated rabble that you are, see if I give a tin-shilling. That's right, whoop it up. You RETARDS!
Harry opening the snake door with Parseltongue:
Mike: For God—you just said "Door the open!" Your snake is terrible!
Kevin: You know, we had a screen door just like this at our cabin, my mom must have told me a hundred times, "Don't slam the (makes Parseltongue sounds)!"
The endless round of applause that closes the film is taken to its logical conclusion: the whole hall has been cursed to applaud for eternity, or at least until their deaths.
Mike (as a student): I can't even remember a time before we started cheering, what madness drives us on?!
After Hermione freezes the pixies Lockhart let loose:
Neville: (hanging from the chandelier by the collar of his shirt) Why is it always me?
Mike: Biddle-ee-bink-dee-bink, boing! And now can we PLEASE HAVE A STORY?!
Ron's curse:
Ron: Eat slugs!
Mike: Magic words: they're Latin except when they're not.
About Moaning Myrtle:
Bill: It's Harry in a wig, isn't it?
After the spider scene:
Harry: Hagrid didn't open the Chamber of Secrets. He was innocent.
Mike (as Harry): We have the word of a hideously giant spider that tried to eat us and that's good enough for me.
"I'm a faucet, I actually don't understand any language."
Hagrid: The owl carrying my release papers got all lost and confused...
Bill: Accidentally released a half-a-dozen unrepentant serial killers instead.
After Malfoy calls Hermione a mudblood, which greatly upsets her, the crew repeatedly refers to her as "Muddy".
As Harry and Ron escape the giant spiders in a magic car:
Kevin: (in a very posh British accent) The Dukes of Hazzard: U.K. version!
Mike: (the same) With actual dukes!
Bill: (ditto) About this time the Duke boys had got themselves into a mess-o-trouble.
When Tom Riddle (a.k.a. Voldemort) summons the basilisk by speaking in Parseltongue:
Bill: Yeah, he just asked him to "embroider your kidney". Does ANYONE speak REAL snake around here?!
When Ron and Harry are talking with Myrtle:
Ron: But it can't hurt you? I mean, you're already dead...
Kevin: (as Myrtle lunges at him) I WILL EAT YOUR SOUL!
"Grasp your Mandrake!" "But never in public!"

Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azkaban

"If you bring me flesh I will do your bidding."
"Hermione casts the 'give Ron a boner' spell."
Mike's Dementor song.
The whole song scene, but especially Bill's riff on the toad at the end.
Bill (as a student): Aw, were going to have so much fun! Which classes are you taking- AAAH MY SOUL!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!
The boggart scene.
Lupin: Luckily, a very simple spell exists to repel a boggart.
Kevin: Yeah, you beat it with a tire iron.

Lupin: Picture your grandmother's clothes, only her clothes.
Mike (as Lupin): Picture them crumpled in the corner of my bedroom.
The truth comes out:
Hermione: (pointing at Lupin) He's a werewolf! That's why he's been missing classes.
Mike (as Lupin): Well, I'm a werewolf who smokes a lot of dope, and that's why I've been missing classes.
When bowing to Buckbeak:
Hagrid: Nice and low...
Mike: OH GOD, no, not THAT low!
- When Hagrid tells Harry to stand still:
  Bill: Oh God, no, not THAT STILL! RUN!
After Hermione punches Malfoy:
Hermione: That felt good.
Ron: Not good: BRILLIANT!
Bill: Yes, truly a masterful work of genius. Compared to you, Goethe was a moron. Next to your punching Malfoy in the nose, Bach's cello suites are like a small pool of vomit!
Lupin: I've looked worse; believe me.
Mike: I don't; sorry.
During a shot of Sirius in prison:
Kevin (as Sirius): I'm gonna get out of here, change my name to Gordon, and commission!
Mike's mix of the Dementors and Oompa-Loompas.
Mike: (quietly and sinisterly) ♪E-vil, E-vil, Learn to be E-vil, Evil is fun and Doompity-Doo...♪
While Harry is flying on Buckbeak: "Meanwhile, sitting at home in his underwear, surrounded by empty beer cans, the kid who played Eragon hurls a whisky bottle at his TV."
Comments on the horrifically dangerous Quidditch match:
Kevin: So you need parental permission to go on a visit to the toffee shop, but for Quidditch, the less parents know the better.
Bill: This is terrible! Having to write that paper on werewolves I mean.
Hagrid tosses Buckbeak a ferret.
Kevin: Have a rat, Buckbeak.
Mike (As Ron): SCABBERS!!
The entire scene with Sirius and Remus in the Shrieking Shack. The crew points out several times how over-the-top the acting is and at one point Sirius says "Hey, leave some scenery for me to chew!"
"If you see a fading sign at the side of the road, it's just 15 miles to the SHRIEKING SHACK!"
When Harry, Ron, and Hermione are trying to ask Dumbledore to convince everyone that Sirius is innocent
Dumbledore: But I'm sorry to say the word of three thirteen-year-old wizards will convince few others.
Mike (as Dumbledore): Well, two and a half, actually. (under breath) Mudblood. (clears throat)
Mike doing a pretty good impression of Kris Kristofferson.
Mike: Before long, Harry's life had spiraled out of control. He was addicted to magic mushrooms, drinking Magic Hat beer and constantly playing Magic: The Gathering.
The whole scene where Harry is fighting off the Monster Book of Monsters, where the Riffers try to figure out what the book is supposed to be, from Ted Nugent's cookbook, to a Jim Henson memoir, and ending with Mike's suggestion that it's a collection of biting satire.
This moment:
Hermione: (about Black being sentenced to a dementor kiss) They're going to suck out his soul.
(Dumbledore immediately bursts through the door)
Mike (as Dumbledore): DID SOMEONE SAY "SUCK"?
Buckbeak's execution when Kevin decides to sing along to the music, prompting utter fury from Bill.
On Harry's fear of Dementors:
Prof. Lupin: I'm very impressed. That suggests that what you fear most of all... is fear itself. This is very wise.
Mike: In fact it seems kind of LIFTED FROM SOMEWHERE!

Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire

When Cedric Diggory (played by Robert Pattinson) shows up the first time:
Mike: Ahh! Undead!
Bill: Quick! Fall in love with it! Ahh!
Kevin: Make that love codependent and brooding! Ahh!
Mike: I'm very mumbly and pause-filled! Ahhhhhhhhhh!
Bill and Kevin: AHHHHHHHHH!
When Moody transforms Draco into a ferret:
Moody: I'll teach you to curse someone while their back is turned!
Mike: By cursing you while your back is turned.
After the ferret episode:
Malfoy: My father will hear of this!
Kevin: Yeah, when he sees the headline "Douche Humiliated".
"CSI: Berwick-Upon-Tweed."
Bill (as Dumbledore): I will now fight the big lady to the death!
As Moaning Myrtle flirts shamelessly with a bathing Harry:
Harry: Myrtle...
Bill: Why aren't you in Hell?
Bill: The collective might of the Wizarding World is helpless against six bad guys.
David Tennant appears on screen:
Kevin: Hey, it's Doctor... Uh...
Mike: Who.
Kevin: I'm trying to remember, give me a second.
Kevin's interpretation of Roger Lloyd Pack's appearance of Barty Crouch Sr. looking like Hitler and then proceeding to act as such.
Mike (as Barty Crouch Sr.): Ach, vhy did I ever leave mein Bunker?
Barty Crouch Sr.: The rules are absolute
Kevin (in a German accent): Ve must ANNEX ZE SUDETENLAND!!!
Barty Crouch Sr.: The Goblet of Fire constitutes a binding magical contract.
Bill (in a German accent): Like ze Munich Agreement.
Barty Crouch Sr.: Mr. Potter has no choice. He is...as of tonight...
Mike (in a German accent): Our new Führer!!!
Cedric Diggory's memorial service:
Dumbledore: I think therefore you have the right to know how he died.
Kevin (as Dumbledore): Let's see, he was zapped by a fat, bucked-toothed man holding an evil baby.
Alastor Moody's first Defense Against the Dark Arts class:
Alastor Moody: YOU NEED TO KNOW WHAT YOU'RE UP AGAINST, YOU NEED TO BE PREPARED...
Bill: YOU NEED TO OVERACT, YOU NEED TO PUSH. THE LIMITS. OF HAMMINESS!!!
- Also during that first class:
  Moody: Any questions?
  Bill: Ahem. Yeah. BEEPing magnets, how do they work?
Before the second task:
Bill: Longbottom's transformation into Oscar Wilde is right on schedule.
Mike: There's a schedule for that does it?
Bill: Very rigorous.
When Harry is having a nightmare (he's lying in bed, eyes closed, sweating and shifting):
Mike: I get it, he's lonely! We don't need to see how he deals with it!
During Moody's class on the Unforgivable Curses:
Moody: Give us a curse.
Bill (as Ron): Uh... Sugartits?
The Overly Long Gag about Cho and Harry's conversation at the Owlery concerning Cho's Chinese and Scottish heritage that is, in essence, the Black Vikings trope Played for Laughs:
Kevin: She's from the Highlands of China! Hard to eat haggis with chopsticks!
Bill: Is your family tartan just solid red or...?
Cho: I'm sorry, I didn't catch that.
Bill: Maybe if you repeat it through a bagpipe?
Harry: I just wondered if you wanted to go to the ball with me?
Bill: Ye see, I'm washin' mah kilt that night? You know, 'cause she's Scottish?
This scene right after the Goblet is introduced
Mike: (Cedric is shown) AH! Bloodsucker!
Mike: (Mad-Eye Moody is shown) Ah! Scenery-chewer!
Mike: (Dumbledore is shown) Ah! Fez-wearer!
The scene where Rita Skeeter is interviewing Harry.
Rita: So tell me, Harry...
Bill (as Rita): Who ya bangin'?
Rita: (after Harry insists he didn't enter his name) Right. Of course you didn't. (winks)
Bill: Then how do you explain this entry form with your name misspelled in Voldemort's handwriting?!
Seeing Voldebaby for the first time:
Bill: BURP ME, DAMNIT!
After Fake Moody's reveal:
Snape: (smells Moody's flask) Polyjuice Potion.
Dumbledore: Now we know who's been stealing from your stores, Severus.
(Harry and Snape exchange looks)
Kevin (as Harry): Ha! Dick.
When a firework goes off:
Bill: My god, the explosion just killed two students!
Mike: What House were they in?
Bill: Ravenclaw!
Mike: Eh, throw a tarp over 'em.
Before the movie starts, the crew compares Richard Harris's performance of Dumbledore with Michael Gambon's.
Bill: Yeah, they did a little Dumbledore upgrade. The last model sounded like this, Kevin?
Kevin: (in a very dry, raspy voice) H.. Harry? Haaary Potter? Could you possibly spare any moisture? I'm feeling a bit desiccated at the moment.
Mike: Right. And now he sounds like a drunken, bellowing Irishman. Bill?
Bill: Jeez, Mike, so I had a little fun at your son's communion party. I replaced the window, I steam-cleaned the couch, what else do... Oh, you're talking about Michael Gambon. Oh. Well the new Dumbledore sounds something like this. Gryffindor! Hufflepuff! Parseltongue, Imperius, Horcrux, Animaaaaagus! Durmstrang Institute of Sorcery, Crookshanks and Blastended S-(Belch!)
When Harry walks past Snape's office and Snape suddenly pops out:
Snape: Potter! What's... your... hurry?
Mike (as Snape): May... I... offer... you... some... pie?
When Wormtail kills Cedric Diggory:
Mike: Well, that was a thousand times more tasteful than his death in Remember Me.
When Cedric's dad, Amos, goes to his son's corpse:
Bill (as Amos): I'm late for the grieving father scene!
- "I'VE ABANDONED MY BOY! I'VE ABANDONED MY CHILD!"
- "See, that's how a proper "NO!!!" is done."
On the Indian Patil twins:
Mike (as Harry): Mm, looks like curry is on the menu...
When the Durmstrang ships fires a volley of cannon fire to bid Hogwarts farewell.
Mike: Ah! They're firing on us! Release the dragons!
The gang's closing narration as Durmstrang and Beauxbatons leave.
Kevin: Sadly, the horses, drunk on single malt whiskey, crashed into the Whomping Willow, and the Durmstrang ship sank due to being overloaded with brutish Communists and stolen Hogwarts silverware.

Harry Potter And The Order of the Phoenix

As Nymphadora sits around transforming her face into different animal snouts.
Mike: Tonks; we're glad she dies in the last movie.
Dumbledore: Albus... Percival... Wulfric... Brian... Dumbledore.
Kevin: The third... Esquire... Jr.... Mrs..
During Fudge's press interview:
Fudge: The Ministry of Magic is pleased to announce the appointment of Dolores Jane Umbridge as High Inquisitor, to address the falling standards at Hogwarts School. Having already revolutionized the teaching of Defense Against the Dark Arts—
Bill: Yes, but what about the rumors of gas shortages?
Kevin: Mr. Minister, do you have a comment on the wizard genocide in Africa?
Mike (as Fudge): Please keep all questions to the matter of staffing the local boarding school.
Mike: The Floo Network, it's like the Food Network but, instead of cooking, it's people shivering and running to the bathroom.
"Hedwig's Theme" plays over a shot of the Hogwarts Express:
Bill: Put-ting our kids in dan-ger...
Kevin: Probably die at their school...
Everyone: Probably die, probably die, probably die...
In Dumbledore's office:
Harry: LOOK AT ME!
Bill: A phrase that sums up the life of Paris Hilton.
Harry: What's happening to me?
Kevin: A phrase that sums up the life of Lindsay Lohan.
When Bellatrix gets broken out of Azkaban:
Bill: This is where Tim Burton keeps her between movies.
After the climatic battle in the Ministry of Magic:
Mike (as Dumbledore): So Harry, how are your classes going?
"Good morning, evil grandma!"
This bit:
Ron: Who are you and what have you done with Hermione Granger?
Bill: I AM THE DEMON BELPHEGOR!!! Wha— whoops! I mean— I mean no one! Nothing!
They have a lot of fun with Luna Lovegood.
Harry: Your feet, are they cold?
Kevin: Cold is just a state of mind, like happiness, or penguins.

Bill: I only eat moonbeams.

Bill: If the cafeteria ever ran out of pudding, I'd kill everyone in the school. Bye.
As Harry enters Umbridge's office:
Mike (as a kitten plate): Hi. Welcome to Hell.
Harry puts on his glasses:
Mike (as Harry): Dumbledore, shouldn't we invent a spell that fixes eyesight? It seems like—
Kevin (As Dumbledore): MORE CHOCOLATE FROGS AND BOOGER FLAVORED JELLY BEANS!
"And somewhere on the internet a new fanfic pairing is born"
"Sometimes you just need a good burp to get out the Dark Lord"
When Fred and George suddenly Apparate right next to Harry:
Kevin: Gah! Avada Kedavra!
A small, but great bit comes when they suddenly have Umbridge hiss at Fred and George.
When Harry walks into the dorm room
Mike (as Harry): Alright, let's get one thing straight, this year I run this dorm. Your parents send you cookies, half go to ME. Anyone wants cigarettes, you go through ME. You need a hooker... actually, Dobby handles that. Everything else? ME.
When everyone is walking past Cho after she rats them out to Umbridge^note:
(The entire class walks past Cho silently as detention lets out)
Mike (as Cho): Does anyone have notes from class? No? How about you guys? I e-mailed the whole class about my dentist appointment. Just need notes from the class?
(Harry walks by Cho)
Cho: Harry!
Bill (as Harry): (bleep) you and (bleep) your notes.
When the Death Eaters hold Harry's friends hostage to get him to hand the prophecy over to Lucius Malfoy.
Bill (as Harry): 'Kay, I'll do it if your henchmen accidentally Avada Kadavra-s Ron. Deal?
Just about all their lines referring to Filch and how utterly, utterly repugnant he is.
Mike: (as Filch after he discovers a spiked box of heart shaped chocolates) Well someone wants to bite of a hunk of the old Filchster huh? Well, who can blame 'em!
- And immediately afterwards:
  All Three: (start out humming to the background music, but suddenly, as they see a horrifyingly pimpled Filch) AAAAAAAAARRRRHHHH!!! (one of the pimples bursts, shooting pus into the camera) AAAAARRGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
  Kevin: Well, I knew it had to happen sooner or later, time to gouge my eyes out with a broken bottle! (sound of smashing glass)
  Bill: KEVIN, NO! NO!
  Kevin: I CANT TAKE THE CHANCE THAT I WOULD EVER HAVE TO LOOK AT THAT AGAIN!!
The awkward moment where Harry and Kreacher meet in a hallway prompts Bill to compare it to whenever he and Kevin meet in a hotel hallway.
After Dumbledore's dramatic escape from Umbridge and the ministry.
Kingsley Shacklebolt: You may not like him, Minister, but you can't deny: Dumbledore's got style.
Bill: Noted, man who dresses like a purple crayon.
Calling out the Adaptation-Induced Plot Hole when Moody chastises dog-form Sirius for "drawing too much attention"... when he's acting like a perfectly normal dog. Moody himself, meanwhile:
Mike: Yes, the dog might attract attention, you staff-toting, one-eyed goon!

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

Hermione: If I were you, when he's around, I'd keep the snogging to a minimum.
Mike: And stop wearing that shirt that says 'Doing Ron's sister.'
Dumbledore: Harry, do as I say.
Mike: The Harry Potter series summed up in five words.
Any time in the series Mike shows off his Snape impression but especially later in the series:
Snape: Take out... your wand.
Mike (as Snape): And do it... quickly.
- "Dragon... balls?"
Bill: Luna Lovegood: really just a good old fashioned stoner.
Bill: You stupid ginger son of a (beep)
Snape stands staring out of a window while it's raining.
Bill (as Snape): It's... raining... men... hallelujah.
When Ron almost dies of poisoning:
Slughorn: To life!
Bill: And to Ron's death! Also good.
- Later...
  Mike: And so dies one of screen histories most orange characters...
When Lavender runs out of the hospital wing, brokenhearted and crying...
Kevin: Yeah, 10 bucks says she's making out with Neville by dinner.
At the Slug Club Christmas party, Cormac MacLaggen throws up on Snape's shoes and gets detention. Then Snape spots Harry ducking out of the party.
Snape: Not so quick, Potter.
Bill (as Snape): The rules of comedy dictate that I puke on you now.
At the end of the tampered memory:
Slughorn: I didn't know about such things. And if I did, I wouldn't tell you. Now get out of here at once, and never mention it again!
Bill (as Slughorn): And don't come back until our brunch tomorrow!
When Harry and Dumbledore see the true memory of Slughorn explaining Horcruxes to Tom Riddle (aka Voldemort).
Slughorn: A Horcrux is an object in which a person has concealed... part of their soul.
Bill: Like a My Little Pony diary.
When Snape reveals that he is "The Half Blood Prince":
Bill (as Snape): That's — that's my entire reveal? Not even going to explain what the hell "Half Blood Prince" even means? You know what? I'm glad there's only one of these left.
Mike (as crew member offscreen): We're splitting it into two movies!
Bill (as Snape): Damn... it.
"Oh, these halls haven't been the same since Nearly Headless Nick got dragged down to Hell."
At Aragog's funeral:
Harry: Not to mention the pincers. (waggles his fingers in front of his face) Tch tch tch tch!
Kevin as Hagrid: (as Hagrid makes the most appropriate face) Go to hell, Harry.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1

Kingsley and Lupin testing to see if the other is an impostor.
Kingsley: The last words Albus Dumbledore spoke to the pair of us?
Bill: These Pop Tarts are a bargain!
Lupin: Harry is the best hope we have. Trust him.
Kevin: Well, everything went great for Dumbledore, didn't it?
When Harry, Ron and Hermione infiltrate the Death Eater-controlled Ministry of Magic while disguised as various staff members, and come across a statue:
Harry: Are those—
Hermione: Muggles. (voice breaking) In their... "rightful place"...
Bill: Inside a grilled cheese sandwich?
When Harry, Ron and Hermione are teleported to the beach near Shell Cottage:
Kevin: (on the warping sound effect) Sounds like someone dropped a manatee out from a helicopter.
This:
Hermione: Why would someone draw in a children's' book?
Mike: Yeah, children's book. It's like any adult reads those.
When Harry finds the sword of Gryffindor at the bottom of the pond:
Harry: Accio Sword.
Mike (as Harry): Huh, nothing. Ok, let me try this then. Uh, give me the (beep)ing sword!
After Harry, Ron and Hermione are caught by the Snatchers and taken to Malfoy Manor...
Lucius Malfoy: You dare to talk to me like THAT IN MY OWN HOUSE?!
Bill: Sounds like me to the clown at my son's birthday party.
During the scene where Ron returns with Harry:
Bill: And they [Harry, Ron, Hermione] silently stared at each other for the rest of the movie...
When Bellatrix brutally interrogates Hermione:
Hermione: I didn't take anything!
Mike: This is how the MPAA handles Bit Torrent users now.
- When we see that Bellatrix has carved "Mudblood" (the racist term for Wizards who have non-magical parents) on Hermione's arm after interrogating her...
  Bill: Hmm, seen worse on Tattoo Nightmares.
"Is Griphook going to have to choke a witch?"
The guys doing The Lord of the Rings theme while during one of the landscape shots while Harry, Ron and Hermione wander through the countryside while hunting for Horcruxes.
The return of the "I want to chomp into your throat" song from Twilight, where Ron attempts to sing it to Hermione with significantly less success than Edward.
Kevin's eulogy for Dobby.
Kevin: He died as he lived... looking dumb as hell.
"Dear Diary, I ran into a girl in the nearby town of Forks who says she's a vampire. I only spent three minutes with her, yet I have never been so bored in my entire life."
At the end of the "Tale of the Three Brothers" as Death comes for the third brother after he has passed his invisibility cloak to his son.
Kevin (as the third brother): Wait, what have I done?! I'm too young! Take my son instead!

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2

When Harry first visits a resting Griphook:
Bill: Guys, Mr. DeVito is sleeping!
The gang reacts in a mixture of horror and delight as they imagine a sea turtle is laying eggs on Dobby's corpse.
Griphook tells Hermione-disgused-as-Bellatrix that if she acts out of character, they may as well slit their own throats with the Sword of Gryffindor. Bill hopes that's how the franchise will end.
As the group spirals towards Bellatrix's vault, the gang loudly and sarcastically advertises the Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Orlando.
The Death Eaters' curfew alarm for Hogsmeade is a screaming cat, and is set off by the trio Apparating in.
Kevin: Did someone duct-tape a cat to a ceiling fan?
Bill: …That would be awesome.
Mike (as a Death Eater): Oh, f***ing car alarms!
When Neville appears in a tunnel formed by the painting of Ariana, Kevin quips that El Chapo is waving cheerfully from the corner. ^note
Flitwick aims his wand high into the sky and begins casting Protega Maxima:
Bill: That's how he reaches the "up" button on an elevator!
Harry and Luna observe the teachers' defensive shield of Hogwarts being put up.
Luna: It's very impressive, isn't it?
Mike (as Luna): How boring CGI effects have become!
Some statues at the gates of Hogwarts:
Mike: Gary, don't even think about dutch-ovening this shield.
In the Room of Requirement:
Mike (as a winged boar statue): Why does no one ever come looking for giant pig statues?
Kevin: Poor pig statue. Aww.
The guys lampshade that the room has been engulfed in Fiendfyre, and that the trio hops on wooden brooms.
A massive horde of Death Eaters try to charge Neville's bridge, only for several of them on the front lines to be disintegrated by the school's defensive shield. The massive crowd halts and awkwardly stand there, afraid to move forward.
Mike: Heh. I've got the same kind of security system at my house. It's killed like eight UPS guys.
Kingsley gets a bit apprehensive seeing the colossal assault from the Death Eaters on the school's shield.
Kingsley: Hey Dean! On second thought, tell Professor McGonagall we might need one or two more wands this side.
Mike (as Kingsley): And some teenagers for human shields.
Fred and George take their positions in a tower to help defend the castle.
Bill: A young Statler and Waldorf prepare to mock the battle.
As Snape dies:
Bill (as Snape): I regret only two things: Inventing Quidditch and making out with Filch... Well, I regret one thing. Filch was surprisingly tender...
The guys are exasperated when Voldemort addresses the school's combatants, believing that he's summoned Sauron to help him out in the battle.
As the heroes grieve Fred, Lupin, and Tonks.
Mike: Is it too much to hope that Dobby died again?
Bill: This is like the time me and my friends almost ruined my homecoming game by letting a badger loose on the field! … Only here a lot more people died, were burnt to death or went to wizard hell.
Kevin (as George): Yes, I know it hurts, but take comfort in the fact that Dobby is still dead.
Mike (as Ron): (sniffles) That just means he was alive at one point! It's not right!
Kevin (as George): (whispering softly) I know... I know...
Bill: I'd give anything for the Sorting Hat to come out right now and sing a hilarious song!
Kevin: Hey guys, when beloved characters like these die, maybe out of respect, we should just knock off on the jokes.
Mike: Sure Kevin. Just out of curiosity, can you name these beloved characters, Kevin?
Kevin: (regarding Remus and Tonks) Oh, this is... Meatloaf and his wife...?
Goyle falls to his death:
Kevin (as Goyle): Tell my parents I was a character people gave a crap aboouuuuuuut!!!
Mike: Ehhhh, not gonna happen!
Kevin (as Goyle): Fair enouuuuuugh!!!
Voldemort and his massive horde of Death Eaters have assembled upon a cliff overlooking Hogwarts.
Bill: Wow. So many pale people in dark clothes. This is a great Steve Jobs flash mob!
As Voldemort orders Hogwarts to surrender and join his ranks:
Mike (as Voldemort): Filch, you may be my sex slave!
The culmination of endless digs at Quidditch:
Mike: The Quidditch stadium is burning which makes this the BEST QUIDDITCH SCENE IN ALL EIGHT MOVIES!!!
As Voldemort dies:
Bill (as Voldemort): Wait, your name isn't JERRY Potter? Oh, I've made a terrible mistake!

Funny / Rifftrax Harry Potter

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