This one's notable for being done not by the usual group, but by Doug Walker, his brother Rob, and Brian Hines, with plenty of good lines including the following:
"Everytime I meet a guy, he's either gay or Batman." "Sometimes both!"
"Harvey, you need help." "Yes, listen to the man in the Bat suit."
"In honor of the Graysons, send in the clowns..." (scene changes to outside Wayne Manor) "...Aaand a horse humping a rock. Way to ruin the moment, thank you Joel Schumacher."
[After Batman is buried under a pile of sand] And to add insult to injury, Catwoman will now take a dump on him.
"Is this a robin?" "No, it's a helmet, you dumbass."
"I shall be the Green Lightbulb!"
This:
Two-Face: "Heads, we accept, and tails, we blow your damn head off!" (throws coin into the air)
"Oh God, they're not even trying anymore." "Even the Electric Mayhem wasn't this electric." "Looks like board game night at Elton John's house."
"Tell me your fantasies." "Oh. Oh, that's just nasty." "Tell me your secrets." "Oh, ew, with a kumquat?"
"I'm going to tell her... everything." "Even the sex change." "What?" "Nothing!"
"Which one should I steal? Adam West, Michael Keaton... Clooney? What the...?"
"Wayne Manor..." "...he killed how many prostitutes this time?"
"Trick or treat!" "I'll unleash the hounds."
"This is the douchiest way to do your laundry ever."
"Mom, why are we walking through David Lynch's brain? It's so foggy and scary and empty in here!"
"Hey, look, the first Batman movie is on!" "Have you ever frolicked with a fox in a flickering fire? ...no, wait, that's terrible; wait there, kid, I got a couple more I want to try..."
"It's happening again..." "I'll have Alfred get the rubber pants."
[in a campy, lisping voice] Hi! This is Joel Schumacher. Allow me to explain this sudden change in style, location, and lighting.... I'm a bad director. The explanation is over.
(On the Riddler's light-up suit) "Guess where he hid the battery."
(In response to a close-up of a very... unfortunate... place...)"Why is there a zipper there?!"
(After Batman enters Riddler's very cheesy lair) Ugh... I miss the Joker.
"Tommy Lee Jones IS Billy Dee Williams IN the role Aaron Eckhardt made famous!"
"I think Commissoner Gordon has entered his second childhood." "Hee hee hee, hahaha! I WANT COTTON CANDY! I WANT A CANDY APPLE! BRUCE, GET ME SOME COTTON CANDY!"
The Running Gag about the Dawson Casting of Dick. "I'm 15, really" "Oh God, I'm an orphan. A 28-year-old orphan" "I wish I was never legally made your ward at the age of 34"
"I gotta save that booty, and Dr. Meridian."
"HI! I'M YOUR DESTINY!"
Batman And Robin
A choice selection can be found here. But for specifics...
Mr. Freeze: I hate it when people talk during the movie!
Bill: Actually it's because of his crippling Asperger's Syndrome.
"Sorry we didn't get there in time to prevent the murder of thousands, Commissioner Gordon! We were waiting for the car to slowly spiral out of the floor!"
"The ice-man cometh!" "The audience goeth!"
"So where did [Mr. Freeze] get these guys, anyway? Was there an ad that said, "WANTED: THUGS. Must Be Skilled in Hockey and Stunt Skating. Obedience Required — Enthusiasm A Plus!"?
Mike: (during the opening Lock and Load Montage) You didn't accidentally rent Butt-Man & Robin, did you?
Kevin: Come on, Mike; I wouldn't make that mistake a third time!
We simply can't forget this little homage after Bane is first created: "Now we'll put boxing gloves on his hands, sit him in front of a computer and force him to answer emails!"
The Dark Knight
(Alfred enters a shipping crate to get to the new Batman lair)
Kevin: (as Alfred) Mr. Nolte, your morning litre of drug store vodka sir.
Mike:(as Nick Nolte, in a deep gravely voice) Just put it next to my early morning litre of drug store vodka...
Kevin:(as Alfred) The empty one sir?
Mike:(as Nolte) Yeah, you got it.
Bill: Nick Nolte sounds like Batman!
(Mike and Kevin laugh)
Mike: .... You don't think?...
(all gasp)
Jokes made at the expense of Aaron Eckhart's "chin ass."
"His chin ass is obscene!"
"Bet his chin butt raises food safety issues."
"His hatchet-jaw easily cuts through the thickest crowds."
Kevin: "Don't act so surprised, after all that was part of his campaign slogan."
Mike: "And what did you think the 'B' in Harvey B. Dent stood for? Milhouse?"
During the street chase:
"What the hell is that?"
"It's a windshield, 'Bab!"
As the Tumbler smashes through a wall: "OH YEAH!"
The RT crew chuckling during Batman's "WHERE ARE THEY!?" screams as they literally feel the effects of narm. Results in a running gag throughout the rest of the commentary.
"You ever wonder if Batman ever gets lost on the road and has to ask On-Star 'WHERE ARE THEY!?'"
When Harvey Dent wakes up in the warehouse: "I wonder if he's thinking 'WHERE AM I?'"
"...and I won't kill you, because I liked you in Newsies."
The Joker explaining his madness:
Joker: Do you know why I use a knife?
Mike (as Joker): Because soup tastes better when it's difficult.
When the Joker slides down that massive mountain of moolah:
Bill: He's the first non-duck to amass enough wealth to do that.
The annual Police vs. Firemen softball ends horribly again.
Harvey: "...You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain."
[Whistle!]
Kevin: "Foreshadowing penalty; clumsy sentence; seating plot point; makes no sense; fifteen yards; repeat third down."
During the scene with Rachel and Harvey tied up.
(Close up on the bomb countdown.))
Rachel: "Harvey, calm down."
''Will counting down from forty help?"
Also:
Rachel: Can anybody hear me?! Kevin: For the last time, NO!
"During the scene on the ferries:
Passenger (a woman with dreadlocks): Go ahead, do it! Mike: Ms. Cleo commands you!
Harry Potter
General
The Harry Potter series as a whole has a longRunning Gag of referring to Hogwarts as a Satan-worshipping Death Trap, given all the accidents, attacks, teachers being evil, etc.
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
After Hagrid breaks down the door
Bill: Bonesaw is ready....to be the father you never had
"His jammies show that he means business."
"And standing in for Dumbledore is the embalmed corpse of Dumbledore."
"Now shut up and kiss me." Made even funnier by Bill's pitch-perfect Alan Rickman impersonation.
Bill: "Buy the new bestseller by Tom Clancy, "Dangerous Fearful Danger." It will literally BLOW UP YOUR HOUSE!"
Dumbledore: [Raspy] In the past few hours...
*WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZE*
"Did he just die right there?"
Dumbledore: "All exams have been canceled."
Bill: "Head out into the world as the uneducated rabble that you are, see if I give a tin-shilling. That's right, whoop it up. You RETARDS!"
Harry opening the snake door with Parseltongue:
Mike: For God—you just said "Door the open!" Your snake is terrible!
Kevin: You know, we had a screen door just like this at our cabin, my mom must have told me a hundred times, "Don't slam the (makes Parseltongue sounds)!"
The whole song scene, but especially Bill's riff on the toad at the end.
Bill:[as a student] Aw, were going to have so much fun! Which classes are you taking- AAAH MY SOUL!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!
The boggart scene.
Lupin: Picture your grandmother's clothes, only her clothes.
Mike: Now imagine them crumpled in the corner of my bedroom, hehehe.
The truth comes out:
Hermione:(pointing at Lupin) He's a werewolf! That's why he's missing classes!
Mike:(as Lupin) Well, I'm a werewolf who smokes a lot of dope, and that's why I've been missing classes.
When bowing to Buckbeak:
Hagrid: Nice and low...
Mike: OH GOD, not THAT low!
After Hermione punches Malfoy:
Hermione: That felt good.
Ron: Not good: BRILLIANT!
Bill:Yes, truly a masterful work of genius. Compared to you, Goethe was a moron. Next to your punching Malfoy in the nose, Bach's cello suites are like a small pool of vomit!
Lupin: I've looked worse; believe me. Mike: I don't; sorry.
Mike (quietly and sinisterly): E-vil, E-vil, Learn to be E-vil, Evil is fun and Doompity-Doo...''
While Harry is flying on Buckbeak: "Meanwhile, sitting at home in his underwear, surrounded by empty beer cans, the kid who played Eragon hurls a whisky bottle at his TV."
Comments on the horrifically dangerous Quidditch match:
"Ah, so you need parent's permission to visit the local tea shop but Quidditch? The less parents know the better."
Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire
When Cedric Diggory (played by Robert Pattinson) shows up the first time:
Fudge: The Ministry of Magic is pleased to announce the appointment of Dolores Jane Umbridge as High Inquisitor, to address the falling standards at Hogwarts School. Having already revolutionized the teaching of Defense Against the Dark Arts-
Bill: Yes, but what about the rumors of gas shortages?
Kevin: Mr. Minister do you have a comment on the wizard genocide in Africa?
Mike:[as Fudge] Please keep all questions to the matter of staffing the local boarding school.
Mike: The Floo Network, it's like The Food Network but instead of cooking it's people shivering and running to the bathroom.
[In Dumbledore's office]
Harry:LOOK AT ME!
Bill: A phrase that sums up the life of Paris Hilton.
Harry: What's happening to me?
Kevin: A phrase that sums up the life of Lindsay Lohan.
[After the climatic battle in the Ministry of Magic]
Mike:[as Dumbledore] So Harry, how are your classes going?
"Good morning, evil grandma!"
This bit:
Ron: Who are you and what have you done with Hermione Granger?
Mike: I AM THE DEMON BELTHAGORE!!! Wha - whoops! I mean - I mean no one! Nothing!
As soon as the film starts, we get: "And we're back with Indiana Jones and the Goblet of Fire."
The grand marshal of this year's gay pride parade, Shia LaBeouf!
Man, that guy is begging for suicide by ent!
On Cate Blanchett's accent:
Indy: You're not from around here, are you?
Spalko: Where is it you would imagine I am from, Dr. Jones?
Kevin Murphy: I'm guessing the Bullwinkle Show.
Indy: Well, the way you're sinking your teeth into those wubble-u's, I should think maybe Eastern Ukraine.
Mike Nelson: Hm, I was thinking Fake-istan.
Sung to the classic Indiana Jones theme as Indy "runs" on top of crates escaping gunfire:
Bill: Here we go now! Really sloooow! Nearly limping! 'Cause he's old, old, old! Old, old, old, old, old, old oooooold!
Any of the cracks the guys make about Oxley being insane and smelly.
After the logic-and-physics raping "Nuke the fridge" scene, Kevin wisely observes: "Okay, I guess for the rest of the movie, Indy battles bone cancer."
When Dr. freaking Jones pronounces the word "nuclear" as "nu-cue-ler", Kevin says: "Nu-cue-ler: you might as well put it in the dictionary!"
After Indy pulls the classic (read: stupid) blowing-the-dart-back-at-the-native trick:
Bill: (as the native) Oh! Loading the darts in backwards was a poor decision!
Lord of the Rings
The Fellowship of the Ring
"Uh-oh. They've invented the tank—pack it in, boys."
During Bilbo's eleventy-first birthday party:
Bilbo: I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve. Mike: But I like half-and-half twice as much as whole milk and half as much as skim.
When the Ringwraiths attack Bree:
Aragorn: I know what hunts you. Mike: And his name is Fudd.
During Galadriel and Frodo's mirror conversation:
Galadriel: I know what you saw. Mike: You dirty little man.
Saruman: Your love of the halfling's leaf has clearly slowed your mind. Bill (in a stoner voice): So I like to wake and bake, what of it, man?
During a sweeping shot of The Shire:
Mike: You should see that place now...hobbit massage parlors, tacky billboards, little hobbit streetwalkers with shaved feet...
Gandalf: Bilbo...the ring is still in your pocket. Mike: Along with two pistachio shells, a breadbag tie, and some lint. HA HA, you see, I'm magic!
Legolas' first appearance:
Mike: And all the teen girls say "He's a boy, but he looks like me and he's safe! I love him!"
Kevin, at the very beginning, talking about how rapt with anticipation he is to see one of his favorite characters of all time - Tom Bombadil, perpetrator of the novel's infamous Big Lipped Alligator Moment who was never at any stage of production to be included in the film.
One of Disembaudio's sync lines, delivered in a complete monotone: "You. Shall not. Pass."
(As the Elves enter Helm's Deep) "Hey, can you point the way to Thermopylae?"
"And his tombstone will be on a post-apocalyptic college campus."
Before the Battle of Helm's Deep:
All (as orcs stomping their spears, in unison): Ow my foot. Ow my foot. Ow my foot.
Similarly, as Haldir's elves prepare for battle:
All:(turning) Hey, look over there. (placing swords on ground)'' Boy, don't these things get heavy.
Again, before the Battle of Helm's Deep:
Mike (singing): And all the little orcs are marching, red and black helmets waving... Kevin: Uh, Mike, what did I tell you about singing Dave Matthews? Mike: Oh, uuuh...you know what? I wrote it down, hang on. "If I ever sung him in your presence, I would find my head rolling down a filthy alley and...wow."
"I don't know, but I been told...Orc strong, but they not smart."
Mike: Okay, okay, so let me see if I understand The Matrix now... Kevin: Okay, give it a try. Mike: Uh...we all started shaved, and punctured, and immersed in pods full of KY... Kevin: Right. Mike: And we live in a bland, unsatisfyingdream world...that's Linux-based... Kevin: Uh-huh... Mike: And Larry Fishburneoffers us drugs and rids our body of shrimp... Kevin: Right. Mike: And we pull the tendril timer out of our skull, put on greasy clothes, and head right back into the dream world! Kevin: I think you got it! Mike: Hey~! I know "What is The Matrix?"! Kevin: That'sThe Matrix!
Smith: Perhaps some part of you imprinted onto me, some part overwritten or copied...It is at this point irrelevant." Bill: (imitating Smith) We'll fill it in in a later rewrite, whoops."
The ten-second chorus of "Mr. Anderson" from Mike, Kevin, and Bill upon the arrival of all the Mr Smith clones.
This exchange:
Kevin: So the nature of the universe is a date rape drug slipped to us by some pervy frog? Mike: I want a new universe!
Mike: Uh oh, guys. I...I just had a horrible thought, and I need to share it... Bill: Aw, you really need to, strictly— Mike: Here it is...I thought that it'd be nice to see a long Quidditch scene right now...(Kevin gasps)...or even, god help me, some pod-racing! (dissolves into anguished laughter) Bill: There, there, Mike... Kevin: It's okay, buddy. Bill: Damn it, Matrix: Reloaded! See what you've done to Mike?!
Later, during a slow-motion jump across the parlour:
Kevin: Huh. My thorazine's kicking in- do things seem slow to you right now?
Kevin: Ah~ a little car crash porn! Mike: David Cronenberg needed a cold shower after this scene.
Later:
Kevin: Just when David Cronenberg was lighting up a cigarette, relaxing, this starts him up all over again!
And later still:
Mike: (chuckling) David Cronenberg will have to check into a hospital tonight; he's no spring chicken anymore! Kevin: You mean in terms of his stamina for masturbating repeatedly at slow footage of car crashes? Just to clarify? Mike: ...I didn't think we needed to be so on-the-nose about it there, Kevin, but, uh...yeah, okay.
(a guy in a car gets hurt, who looks like...) "Will Ferrell!"
(next glimpse of the man shows he's an agent now) "Will Ferrell's agent!"
(sung to the tune of the Superman theme) "It's Keanu Reeves, he's going so fast~! It's Keanu Reeves, he's trailing some garbage~! It's Keanu, flying Keanu, going to save the hot chick and then smoke up a bowl~!"
"The roof! The roof! The roof is on fire! No, serious, people; I think the machines started it!"
"Hey, you in the back, this is an anti-machine rally, quit doing the robot!"
(Random black man jumps towards to screen) HI MOM!
During Neo and Trinity's sex scene: (sing-songy) "Neo likes Trinity, Neo likes Trinity!"
Counts as both a Genius Bonus and a Take That against a bit part played by Cornell West:
West: We can't treat this as a hopeless cause.
Mike: Hey, the guy who voted for Ralph Nader has no right to talk about hopelessness.
During Trinity's death scene:
Ow, ow, ow, OW!
Ow, you're leaning on the poles that skewered my liver, OW!
My god you have driven that one pole DEEPER IN MY LEFT VENTRICLE AND IT HURTS ABOUT FIVE TIMES AS MUCH!
Apparently you didn't have the pleasure of KNEELING ON A POLE STICKING OUT OF MY LUNGS, AND YOU JUST HAD TO TRY, OW OW OW OH GOD OW OW!!
And yet you still have your elbow PUSHING AGAINST THE THING THAT TORE MY SPINE OUT, AM I NOT BEING CLEAR?!
It had nothing to do with you SITTING DIRECTLY ON MY SHATTERED PELVIS LIKE YOU'RE DOING RIGHT NOW!!!
Spider-Man
Spider-Man 2
"Whooo! Yay ledge!"
"And her entire skeletal system was pulverized."
"BOOOOOONESAW IS READY! To be left out of this picture, and feel really depressed about it. Seriously, BONESAW was seeing a therapist for a while. But now, BONESAW IS REAAADY... to get on with his life." (After he appears in the retelling of the first film during the opening credits.)
Introducing the robotic arms.
Reporter: But Dr. Octavius, if the artificial intelligence of these arms is as advanced as you suggest, wouldn't that leave you vulnerable to them?
Bill: He can jump really high and he now "gets" Tyler Perry.
After Black Suit Spidey breaks Eddie's camera:
Eddie: What the hell?!
Kevin: The pictures of my cat on an invisible bike!
Star Trek
Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan
When Khan lifts Chekhov by his spacesuit
Mike: Chekhov, now with E-Z-Grip handle!
On the rendering of the Genesis Effect
Mike: This is like we took the game Sim Earth, and remove anything fun and interesting from it. In other words, exactly like Sim Earth.
Kevin: Rifftrax! Some two-decade-old computer games have it coming!
Star Trek: Generations
"Onscreen." (A group of Klingons appear) "Aah! Offscreen! Offscreen!"
Then there's that priceless moment when Bill asks about the female Klingons "Do you think we're seeing the only hairless part of their breasts?" and Mike can't help but scream.
"Doctor... Sauron..." "The Dark Lord?" "...Doctor Tarien Sauron..." "Oh, Doctor The Dark Lord."
The scene opens on an 18th century frigate with the entire cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation wearing period appropriate naval uniforms.
Kevin Murphy: Okay, I might be jumping the gun here but this may be the dumbest-ass Star Trek movie ever made.
Mike Nelson: Hm, you know what, that's easy enough to figure out, let me just get out my tricorder here, punch in a few settings, "beep", "beep, beep, beep", adjust for fluxating magnetic fields, "beep", "beep, beep", take a residual stupidity reading, "nee-re-re-re-re-re-re", Kevin I'm getting very high readings indeed, sir!
Kevin Murphy: There must be emanations of asininity fouling your readings. Let me take my own, "click, click, buzz, whir, click". Yes, our data sets correspond, "click".
Mike Nelson: Well, okay. There you have it: scientific proof that this is the dumbest-ass Star Trek movie ever made.
Kevin Murphy: Click, buzz, whir.
Mike Nelson: Nee-re-re-re-re-re-re.
Interestingly, during Picard's tearful anguish over Renee and Robert's death, the crew become more or less silent and allow the scene to play through without mockery.
Sarek: (to young Spock) Emotions run deep within our race.
Bill: No, they don't— GO TO HELL, Dad!
About the Romulans:
Bill: There's a Blue Man Group missing a couple of drummers!
During Kirk's academic cheating trial:
Kirk (to Spock): Let me ask you something I think we all know the answer to. Mike: Why did Heroes suck so bad after Season 1?
As the inappropriate funk music kicks in at the end of Spock's refusal of the Vulcan Science Academy:
Kevin: Funky Spock! Funky Spock! Gimme some of that funky Spock! Uh!
At the abrupt end of Kirk's trial:
Starfleet Academy Headmaster: I hereby order all cadets to report to Hanger 1 immediately. Dismissed. Mike: ...Oh, and Kirk, I sentence you to hang by the neck until dead. Bye!
Mike: So if I understand their plan correctly, it was: "Fall out of ship." Kevin: I think you gave it a lot more thought than they did.
"Tell my bald wife and bald kids how bald I think they are!"
After planet Vulcan is destroyed
McCoy: Damn it, man, I'm a doctor, not a physicist! Bill: No-no, more phlegm; let's hear those giant throat nodes and smoker's hack! Kevin: (extremely gravelly) Damn it, man, I'm a doctor, not a human grizzly bear! Bill: There you go!
When Kirk gets ejected onto the ice-planet in an escape pod:
Kevin: Kirk is ejected along with a dog-eared copy of Twilight. Mike: Ah, they packed him toilet paper—that was thoughtful.
"What the hell? Is that a tauntaun?! You guys marooned me in the wrong franchise, you idiots!"
"It nice seeing the Creature from the Black Lagoon getting work again."
When Kirk and Spock!Prime meet Scotty:
Scotty: I had a little debate with my instructor on the issue of relativistic physics and how it pertains to subspace travel. Bill: Meaning "I slept with his wife." * A little later* Scotty: Are you from the future? Kevin: Yes, but we pronounce it: "THE FUTURE!!!"
"Nobody knows when it's appropriate to do impressions of Spock roaring."
As Scotty dries the insides of his ears, one of the trio makes a little squeaky sound.
When Kirk sees Spock and Uhura making out:
Bill (as Kirk): I'm not sure which one I'm jealous of.
Their faces don't look like OUR faces! SHOOT THEM!
When the drill attacks San Francisco:
Kevin: It's the vengeful laser-ghost of Harvey Milk!
One scene has an unfortunate angle of Jar-Jar as well, as Jar Jar swims away from the camera for a few minutes.
Mike: Ah, thank you for giving us an unhindered look at the business end of America's most loathed character.
And this surprisingly classy discussion of just how Jar-Jar annoys people:
Kevin: See, my opinion, the Jar-Jar thing isn't so inherently racist as it is more broadly offensive.
Mike: Really?
Kevin: Yeah, he's more annoying in a metaphysical sense.
Mike: I see, so, he bugs your soul?
Kevin: Actually, yes.
This exchange:
Yoda: Fear leads to anger; anger leads to hate; hate leads to suffering.
Mike: Um, Yoda, load of crap biggest ever heard I is that.
Also "Hey, Yoda, up the hell shut!"
Mike's reaction to Captain Panaka's rapid Info Dump:
Mike: Wh-who's everyone? Resistance to what? Leaders of what? What's the Federation? What the HELL is going on!?
This exchange:
Mike: Remember when Macbeth said that life was a tale told by an idiot? I actually think he meant to say Star Wars Episode One is a tale told by an idiot.
The Running Gag of Kevin mispronouncing the names of both Padme and Naboo. This eventually turns into a game of coming up with Star Wars names more horrible than the real ones, which they end up accomplishing in the middle of the climax.
"Every fanboy's dream: take Natalie Portman to their room and show her their robot."
On C-3PO meeting R2-D2:
Kevin: And so begins Hollywood's most enduring gay couple.
Mike: R-4 is the Windows ME of the Astromech droids.
Kevin: Form a nerdier sentence! No, don't try! You can't!
This scene in the Greasy Spoon with the slovenly cook Dex:
Kevin: Mike, I invite you to think about that lizard guy's underpants. Mike: OH! (dry-heaving) OH! (gagging)WHY, Kevin?! Kevin: Hey, it took your mind off this whole thing for a minute, didn't it? Mike: You're right. Why, thank you, Kevin! Ah, That guy's underpants...
When Anakin kisses Padme:
Chad Vader: Ah, he's using the Jedi Tongue Technique. His training is now complete.
As C3PO and R2D2 watch their marriage.
Mike (as C3PO): Someday that will be you and me, R2, as soon as they get rid of that silly law.
After one of the "wittier" lines:
Mike: The dialogue crackles like, uh, pudding!
This exchange:
Mike: Uh, do we have any idea who's fighting who? Kevin: Yes, the director is fighting the audience, and the audience is fighting back. Mike: Ah. And who's winning? Chad Vader: Twentieth Century Fox.
After Anakin finds his dead mother:
Yoda: Anakin is in pain...terrible pain... Mike: Hey, what about us, Muppet boy?! (Wipe Cut away) Mike: Hey, don't you wipe cut when I'm talking to you!
Taking Padme's "I love the water" and turning it into a Running Gag. Example:
Padme: I love you.
Mike: Not as much as the water.
When Obi-Wan and Count Dooku fight:
Kevin: Nuclear silly-string!
Later...
Chad Vader: I'm a master of the lightsaber and even I'm bored. Let's get it on, people!
The scene where they gush about Padme's bedroom. A description simply cannot do it justice.
Bill: Meanwhile, Vice Chancellor Ugga Bugga and Darth Buttcrack are rendezvousing on the planet Ovaltine, where the rebel leader B.B. Snausageberry is fighting the dreaded Cameltoeians. How's that?
Kevin: Oh. Oh no. Tell me this movie won’t have Podracing will it. ‘Cause, ‘cause if so, Mike, I’ll pay yah good money to let me out of here now. I will sign the deed to my house over to you!
Mike: Kevin, relax. Enjoy this long, long sequence coming up of Jar Jar Binks doing funny stuff.
On Palpatine's last line following Anakin's becoming of a Sith lord:
Palpatine: ONCE MORE THE SITH WILL RUUUUUULE THE GALAXY... (voice lowering with each word) ...aaand...weee...shall have...peeeeeeeeeeaaaace. Riffers: (clapping) Oh lovely, marvelous, Darth Actor, ladies and gentlemen, Darth Actor.
Upon the reveal of Darth Vader via mechanical moving table:
Bill: If this slowly rotates him facedown into a pie, the entire journey will have been worth it.
As the Empire watches the Death Star under construction:
Kevin Murphy:(as Tarkin) Yeah, so Darth, a couple of weeks we'll start building it, then we can take that decal off the wall of the window. Until then, looks cool, eh?
Bill:(as Vader) So, where are the ladies on this ship?
Mike decides to take advantage of the Palpatine/Mace Windu fight and uses the time to share a (surprisingly detailed) recipe for dip with his friends and the listeners. Made funnier by Bill and Kevin trying to listen to him and pay attention to the film at the same time.
Bill: ...Uh, Samuel has the guy pinned down now, Mike.
Star Wars IV: A New Hope
"A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, a film maker said, 'I WILL create a character named Kit Fisto!'"
"Door. Guys. Door! Guys! DOOR! GU-ah, crap."
"Good guys are dropping left and right, the Stormtroopers have no idea how to react. Nothing like this has ever happened to them before!"
"It's the Council of Lousy Haircuts!"
"....when did we let an American in?"
"Can't we have just one nice meal together?"
"My pants are plastic/My helmet's tight/My balls are swinging left to right!"
C-3PO: I'm C-3P0, human cyborg relations. And this is my counterpart, R2-D2. Luke: Hello. Kevin: (as R2D2) I stood next to your mother as she died.
Bill's reaction, a dark little chuckle and an understated "Utini" makes it the funniest thing to ever happen.
Absolutely EVERYTHING regarding the unfortunately named Porkins.
Star Wars V: The Empire Strikes Back
"Oh, man. Oh, Luke, you okay? I was out cold there for a few minutes, I got this broken nose, blood everywhere, really embarrassing. Hey, my seatbelt's a little stuck, can you, uh, help me with it? Uh, Luke, where the hell are you going? This isn't funny, man. Don't take my wallet, you piker! When I get out of here I swear to God I'm gonna OHGAAAAA!"
Mike: No! Bill, stay your hand! There'll be plenty of other moments coming up. Be a shame to let those go to waste.
Bill: Good point.
(Mike laughs in amazement at the acrobats.)
Bill:(sarcastic) Wookies love this.
Kevin: Like his single leather boot there. (pause) This is the very same scene that is playing on a constant loop in Ryan Seacrest's brain. (beat) Explains the smile, y'know.
(The lead acrobat vanishes and reappears life size next to Lumpy playing some Dr. Seuss-like trumpet.)
Mike: Elton John would give everything he owned if this were only a real device.
(The acrobats swing into full steam on the table.)
Bill: Even Rip Taylor thinks this goes way overboard on the camp.
Kevin: Oh, no, are we going to find out why they call him "Lumpy"?
Mike:(on the lead acrobat) I'd love to have been there the day this guy told the all other Keebler Elves what he really wanted to do with his life.
Bill: "No, seriously?!"... (a few seconds pass) Circe du Suck... oh, why don't you just go ahead and kill me, because I really don't think I could take another second of this, guys.
Kevin: If I watch any more of this, am I gonna get a letter in the mail informing me that I'm now legally gay?
Bill: ...yes.
Mike: You know, it might be a funny joke if you played this music if you knew someone was going to ask for your hand in marriage. "Rebecca, my dearest love, would you WEEDEE-wee-wow! WEEDEE-wee-wow! WEEDEE WEEDEE WEEDEE-wee-wow!"
Bill:Kinda kill the moment.(a few seconds pass) I hate to say it, 'cause I know this is on the up-and-up, but... it all seems kinda weird.
Kevin: Ah! Ah, good, the bright fuschia fish acrobats are here! It wouldn't be a Life Day without 'em!
Bill: No sirree.
Mike:(exasperated by the lead acrobat) Look, would you and Bryce please move to Palm Springs, buy matching Speedos and get jobs in retail and just leave us alone?!
Bill:(noticing Lumpy's avid grin) There's murder in his eyes! I like where this is headed!
Kevin:(as the lead acrobat) And that was the introduction, folks! Now let's get on with the show!
Mike:(as Malla) Would you turn off that stupid video game?!
Bill:(as Lumpy) It's not a video game, Mom. It's a video game system!
During the first scene with Chewbacca's family, Bill gets the most obvious joke out of the way:
Bill: Well, terrifying thought, but I'm charging ahead with it anyway: If you're a furry, and you're watching this right now. are you turned on?
Kevin: (horrified) Ohh! Can I be excused to have a good cry?
Mike: Stay right where you are, Murphy!
While watching the...ahem, "cooking show":
Mike: You know, sure, this makes me wanna drive a masonry chisel into my kneecap, but on the bright side, at least it's not Rachael Ray.
And later:
Mike: Uh, you sure this aired during the family hour? Far more stirring and whipping than the FCC likes to see before ten...
Jefferson Starship:Will you light the sky on fire?
Mike: Will I light this guy on fire? No, sir, I will not!
Bill insisting that Mike light the sky and/or that guy on fire already, in order to shut the band up.
Turns into a Brick Joke during the Wookiee gathering near the end.
Bill: This is it, Mike! They're finally ready to light this guy on fire!
This exchange:
Kevin: So after this aired, the deep shame and mockery from the ordeal forced George Lucas underground and his creation Star Wars was never heard from again, right?
Mike: Uh, actually, it went on to shatter records for money made (breaking sound is heard), and it has more devotees than many major religions.
Bill: Ooh, Mike, that inconsistency caused a logical wormhole that broke Kevin's mic!
During one commercial bumper:
Announcer: The Star Wars Holiday Special will continue in a moment!
Bill: Despite the growing number of protesters outside our office!
After Mala first expresses concern for her husband's safety:
Bill: (as Itchy) There, there. If he's dead, we can still celebrate Life Day. We'll just call it Death Day! And instead of eating turkey and opening presents, we can bury his body before it rots.
When the first commercial appears.
Kevin:(on seeing Willie Rawles, GE employee) ...Wuh-wait? Is that Darth out of uniform?
Skids: It's supposed to hurt. It's an ass-kickin'.
Mike: I believe that was actually the movie poster tagline for Transformers 2.
When a poster for Bad Boys II appears on screen.
Bill: The movie Transformers 2 would like to take this moment to remind you Michael Bay sucked 14 years ago too. We now return you to your noisy mayhem.
During the opening:
Optimus Prime: ...a species much like our own: capable of great compassion...
Right off the bat, they start arguing about vampire sparkliness:
Mike: Thank you, and welcome once again to RiffTrax, where I am joined by Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy.
Bill: Thank you, Mike. And may I say how happy I am that our movie, Twilight, is finally telling the world something I've been saying for years: that vampires are sparkly! Ho-ho-ho, the world laughed at me and my quoteunquote "crazy ideas about vampire sparkliness", but maybe now that the truth is out, I'll get an apology! Kevin.
Kevin: I-I-I never denied their sparkliness, Bill, we just happen to disagree very, very strongly about whether that sparkliness is a full-body sparkliness, huh? Is it sparkly between their toes? Sparkly on the bottom of their feet? Are their inner thighs sparkly? These are important questions, and I don't think Twilight has settled them.
Bill: Oh, you had to bring up the sparkly thigh thing, didn't you? When you know that it all hinges on the buttcheeks! Frankly, sir, your views on this are well outside the norm in the vampire sparkliness research community.
Kevin: (gasps) How dare you, sir?!
Bill: I dare!
Kevin: My contributions to the vampire buttcheeks sparkliness research are renowned, and I'll not have your slander, shame on you, sir!
When Edward reveals his nature to Bella for the first time:
Edward: Say it... Kevin: Alright, you're a total homo! Bill: That's not what I meant! Edward: Out loud... Mike: Okay, you're a thorough-going douche... Bill: No! You're not doing it right! Mike: A tool? Bill: NO! Bella: Vampire... Kevin: Close; I'm a metropire! Edward: Are you afraid? Mike: Seriously...I don't know what emotion you're going for, because you always just look nauseous...
Bella is visiting the Cullens
Mike: You like Legos? Cause I got tons of Legos (sic), I got Lego Star Wars, and Power Miners, I got like a bajillion Beeonicles(sic) too...
The scene where Edward's snuck into Bella's bedroom: "What was our math homework?"
Cafeteria scene:
Bella: You know, your mood swings are kinda giving me whiplash.
Mike: And that apple you bounced off your foot is giving me hookworm.
After Edward has saved Bella and kisses her in the hospital:
Mike: Aw, I-I'm weakening, guys. I mean suddenly feel very invested in their love. It's-It's my love, too. Them succeeding despite all odds means I succeed despite all odds. (Cut to a shot over a forest.) Look, beautiful trees, as-as beautiful as the love between Edward and Bella and me and their beauty and... [THUNK] Ow! You hit me with a phone book!
Kevin: Yep.
When Bella and Edward are practicing dancing:
Mike: You mind if I slit my wrists right now, get ahead of the curve? Bill: Oh, any old time, Mike. Kevin: I'm surprised you haven't done it by now!
Mike, Bill, and Kevin worrying about the taxidermy animal in science room. (I'd say It Makes Sense in Context, but...it doesn't.)
Kevin: I'm having another acid flashback, right? Mike: No, that's the movie. Kevin: So...you guys also see Jim Nabors riding a killer whale in space? Mike: No... Bill: Wish I did, though; that sounds great!
Early scene mentioning the investigation into mysterious deaths.
Sheriff: Well, another hiker got attacked by something in the woods.
Mike (as Sheriff): ... we think it was a bear because it sucked all the blood out of the corpse.
Humming "Yakkity Sax" while Edward runs up the hill with Bella at superspeed.
Twilight: New Moon
As the movie opens...
Mike: And we're ba— Bill: TEAM JACOB! Mike: (disgruntled) COULD you please...?
As Bella is being led away from the Volturi, passing by a group of tourists being led into their chamber. Screams are heard...
Bill: Italian Police issued a statement today once again reiterating that, for the love of God, tour groups should stop going into that Castle where all the other tour groups have been mysteriously murdered.
Pretty much the entirety of the treatment the Volturi in terms of Frank n Furter esque moaning, mockery of their effeminate portrayal, and in particular their reactions to Michael Sheen whenever they are on screen. In particular this little line as Edward is about to ask them to kill him
All three: Heeyo! Hey-hey-hey-babe! Aroooogah, aroogah! Hohoho!
Mike: Mom, I didn't know you wanted to see New Moon!
Bill: (effeminate voice): Quiet, dear, I'm trying to watch. Th-the story! The story.
Subversely, upon Edward doffing his shirt:
Mike: And theaters full of shrieking teenagers learn the hard way that some things are better left to the imagination.
The end, after a whole movie's worth of sending out mixed messages and crushing hearts:
Bella: [to Jacob] I do love you.
Bill: [incredulous] Sh-she does!?
Mike: [through laughter] She's not a stable girl.
Used as a Running Gag, they keep trying to catch Bella actually making it through a sentence without a Shatnerian pause. Sometimes she actually manages what would count as a whole sentence only to continue the sentence after a long pause.
Cliff-diving:
I regret not buying more shiiiiiiiiirts! I regret not buying Bob more shiiiiiiiiiiiirts! I regret being named Embryyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! Donate my torso to Abercrombie and Fiiiiiiiiiiiiitch!
And when Bella goes cliff-diving:
Drowning: the only way she could get more pale and sad.
Twilight: Eclipse
Jacob: She broke her hand...punching my face.
Kevin (As Charlie): Ugh, you guys went to see "Face Punch" again, didn't you?
"Make as many mistakes as you can", the advice that inspired M. Night Shyamalan.
Jasper flashbacking
Bella:How do you know so much about this?
Mike: Read the Twilight books, they blew.
Jasper: I didn't have quite the same upbringing as my adopted siblings.
Bill: Oh hai, Twilight, I'm so glad you like saying 'don't worry about it' too.
Even as she tries to clear things up, Bella continues to be the master of mixed messages.
Bella: [to Edward] This wasn't a choice between you and Jacob.
Kevin: Then what the hell was the point of the last two movies?!
Bella: It was a choice between who I should be and who I am.
Mike: ...What the holy hell does that mean?
Twilight: Breaking Dawn Pt 1
Before the riff was even released the trio did a Rifftrax announcement of the impending riff, during which Bill leaves for a moment to pass a kidney stone just as Kevin and Mike start mocking the whole "Jacob imprints/falls in love with a baby" thing. When Bill returns holding the kidney stone in a glass jar, Kevin "imprints" on it much to the other's disgust
Bill singlehandedly making a Running Gag of Edward not being able to fart, until the other guys start thinking it's in the actual movie.
"We here at Rifftrax would like to remind you that for the last three years, Bella and Jacob have been the two most popular baby names, so please, stop it."
Priest: "Ladies and gentlemen we're gathered here today to witness the union of Edward Cullen and Bella Swan..." "Also my bible just burst into flames for some reason."
Talking about how the book couldn't possibly be told in one film at any especially slow moment.
"The elderly couple in Up had hotter sex than this!"
On Sam Uley's wolf voice: "He sounds like Darth Vader trapped down a well."
As Bella picks up a cell phone: "She tried to play Words With Friends but all she could come up with was 'Uhh?' and 'Edward!'."
Everyone greets Jacob with "Sorry about Abduction."
"So a werewolf just fell in love with the monster baby that was ripped out of its mother's womb by the teeth of her vampire husband. Stephanie Meyer, get some help. You're very, very sick and deranged, you need to be hospitalized now."
What? In dog years, she's like 14 hours!
Mike & Bill's "super gay Volturi voices".
"Oh for the love of god, do something, you apprehensive, brain damaged...mouse-haired...sea cucumber!"
This insight into Meyer's writing:
Carlisle: We didn't think it (Bella's pregnancy) was even possible.
Leonidas: What message do you bring? Persian Messenger: Earth and water. Mike: So...mud. Leonidas: You rode all the way from Persia for earth and water? Bill: Well, I lost some of the message along the way...
Bill: Well, I certainly think he proved that THIS! IS! SPARTA! Mike: His kids make fun of him because when he's handing out stuff on the Fourth of July he insists on saying, "THIS! IS! A SPARKLER!" Kevin: Or when he's giving his car a tune-up, and his kid asks, "Hey, dad? What's that small, white thing with metal at each end?" And he always replies, "THIS! IS! A SPARK PLUG!" Bill: Or...when he sits down to a meal of juice, toast, milk, and Trix cereal— Mike: Uh-oh, where's he going with this? Bill: And he looks at his bowl of Trix and he says, "THIS! IS!'SPART OF A BALANCED BREAKFAST!!!" Kevin: Wow! Mike: Wow, you pulled it out! Nicely done!
Leonidas sitting down next to his son after a sparring session, "Hey, wanna beer, kid?"
(seeing the Rain of Arrows) "Aw, relax; they're probably not even meant for us..."
When the 300 are preparing to leave:
General Guy: ...Sons to carry on their name. Bill: Though Johnson's son may not be the marrying type, if you know what I mean. Mike: He's considering moving to Athens, if you catch my drift. Kevin: We think he may be a homosexual, if you can read between the lines.
After a shot of the massive Persian fleet:
Mike (as Delios): And so Xerxes and Jimmy Buffett assembled the largest boat-to-boat party in history.
"Kid, how'd you get so dirty?! You were outside for, like, five minutes!"
"Uh, I don't like this new 'extreme' image for The Giving Tree —it was fine the way it was."
"March Of The Penguins had less marching!!"
Leonidas meeting Xerxes for the first time:
Kevin: (as Xerxes puts his hands on Leonidas's shoulders) Mmmm...you're so tense...
Xerxes: It's not the lash they fear...
Mike: Oh, no...it's turning into one of these... (all three start imitating porno music)
And later in that scene:
Leonidas: You are as generous...as you are... Mike: Gay. Leonidas: ...divine... Bill: Oh, he is divine~ Leonidas: Such an offer, only a madman would refuse. Mike: (in a bad Scottish accent) And guess what? I forgot me thorazine today!
"Muffin out your chests, men!"
"Alright, men, ready your six-packs! And if you haven't done so already, oil up those pecs!"
(imitating Roger Rabbit) "Ahem. Attention, Spartans!"
During one of the many battle scenes:
Delios: We did what we were trained to do, what we were bred to do, what we were born to do. Bill: What we were cast, costumed, and choreographed to do. Mike: What we were blue-screened and digitized to do. Bill: What we were shaved to do.
Delios: (narrating) [Leonidas's] roar is loud and long...
Mike: His teeth are bleached and capped...
After Leonidas throws his spear at Xerxes
Kevin: But Xerxes is usually glad to see a spear headed into him... (The spear clips his face, making him bleed, and sticking in the back of his throne) Bill: (as Xerxes covers his face) How tacky!
The Slo-mostrians are coming!
Leonidas: Spartans! What is your profession?! Spartans: HA-OOH! HA-OOH! HA-OOH! Mike: And I'm a flower arranger!
After the final duel between Quaritch and Jake, Jake is back in his human body and struggling to grab a breath mask:
Mike: Yeah, it kept falling out so somebody stapled the emergency mask into the case...
Neytiri, after she meets Jake: You are like a baby! Always making noise, don't know what to do.
Bill: Poopin in da Huggies, eatin da strained peas!
The very last joke: "Morning wood!"
After the failed ritual to transfer Grace into her Avatar:
Moat: Her wounds were too great. It was not enough time.
Kevin: Also our religion is bullshit.
The 'Informer's rendition was short but hilarious.
After Jake prays to the Great Mother for aid.
Neytiri: The Great Mother does not take sides.
Mike (as Neytiri): -she's an amoral psychopath.
Kevin: 6-legged, anteater horses. Mike: George Lucas slowly nods his silent approval.
Probably the most involved Kansas City Royals joke in Rifftrax history while Jake fights the six-legged dogs:
Kevin: A desperate man in blue, confused and frail, lacking necessary skill and training, called up to the big leagues before he was ready, swinging wildly at his more powerful opponent, a single disinterested spectator idly looking on from a distance... eerily reminiscent of a Kansas City Royals game.
Bill: Wow.
Mike: I believe you covered three entire city blocks before you got to that one.
Mike: So...these jets were all fueled, and tuned up, and ready to go after A THOUSAND YEARS?! Kevin: Yes, Mike. Mike: And a bunch of knuckle-dragging cave dwellers with spears took a break from picking nits off each other and eating them for a few days and taught themselves to become top-level fighter pilots? Bill: Yes, Mike. Mike: And that, somehow, these exact same weapons - well maintained and on alert, mind you - did NOT save the human race from the aliens one thousand years ago, when the humans who actually MADE these weapons were alive? You know, the humans that did NOT wear goat skins, and sacrifice goats, and smell like goats, and marry goats? Kevin: Yes, Mike. Mike: And is there any reason that I should not dedicate my LIFE to building a time machine, so that I can eventually travel back to the set of Saturday Night Fever and infuse the heels of [John] Travolta's disco shoes with nitro glycerin, so that he is eliminated from history and this movie NEVER GETS MADE?!?! Bill: Um...no, Mike. Go nuts. (Beat)...I think you just did.
Their reaction to Terl's infamous scenery chewing.
Terl: While you were still learning how to SPELL YOUR NAME...
(the guys start cracking up)
Terl: I was being trained to CONQUER GALAXIES!
Bill: Wow, you're really going to go with that performance huh?
This exchange:
Kevin: So, our story so far: Aliens from some death metal planet conquered the Earth then enslaved mankind for a thousand years. Bill: Right. Kevin: Then they sent Travolta, who's going to whiz the entire planet down his leg in a few short days. Bill: Right again. Kevin: And somehow this movie is supposed to make us feel good about Scientology? Mike: Yeah, I think in the same way Birth of a Nation endeared us all to the Klan.
Beowulf
The harp-playing scene in the mead hall, where the crew proceeds to interject "What If Thor Was One of Us" and "Shorty Got Low" into the song.
During the battle with Grendel:
Here, we can follow along in the Old English text: Den punched he, nakede Beowulf, in Grendel on de noggin. Den flipped him doen Gymkata dismounten causen Grendel his assen be roasted en his bippies in der pit smoken. Wow, that is an extremely faithful telling. Oh, you're bettin' your meatballs.
(upon Beowulf stabbing his way out of the eye of the Kraken/Loch Ness Monster/what have you and yelling his name as a war cry:)
Mike: Guys, If I ever burst out of the eye of a giant sea creature, I promise I'll have something better to yell than "MIIIIIIIIIIIKE!"
(during a massively long zoom-out from the camera):
Mike: We interrupt our movie briefly to give you a ride on a skilift.
Anything and everything pertaining to John Malkovich. Example:
And later, after Grendel has attacked, something rises from the water:
Kevin: GAH! A hideous sea creature! Mike: No no no no, it's just John Malkovich. Kevin and Bill:GAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!
In regards to Beowulf's burning pyre boat...thing:
Mike: To quote one Mr. Kevin Costner on a similar occasion, let's see if I can remember this correctly...(clears throat, says the following line without an ounce of emotion)My boat.
At the burial of some fellow soldiers:
Beowulf: They were great warriors. Kevin: No, they were Geat warriors. Wiglaf: They died a foul death. Beowulf: They were murdered by a foul creature from the depths of Hell. Bill: Right, CrispinGlover.
Birdemic: Shock and Terror
The guys start noticing a similar similarity between Birdemic and a certain other film.
Bill:(as Tommy Wiseau) Oh, hi, poorly made cult film directed by an immigrant with a funny accent that's trying to horn in on my business!
"Oh, I get it now. This guy is the missing Mario Brother." "Either that or he's the original Prince of Persia."
BOND SMASH!
ENGLISH GUY!
"The English Guy doesn't so much leap as he plummet."
"Spies have been reduced to stealing ringtones for Eastern Bloc countries. A clean Schnappi can bring as much as $3 on the black market."
After Bond steals a bad guy's backpack and starts rifling through it:
Kevin: (as Bond) Ha! Now I get his toaster strudel!
"Finally, he's got some time for Second Life—he can get back to being a foxy blue-skinned woman with green hair."
"I'm Rube Cardsuck, this is Patsy McMoneygone, and Mr. E. Z. Mark."
"So these are the people behind-the-scenes at the airport making sure your flight is delayed, your luggage is lost, and that the restaurants are always closed when you're hungry."
When the "World's Largest Airliner" is unveiled:
Mike: And of course, this is the day the President is scheduled to go up in the all-new space shuttle— Kevin: With all the other leaders of the free world— Mike: Of course. And 300 orphaned children from Kosovo— Kevin: And Oprah Winfrey! Mike: Sure, throw in Oprah Winfrey!
Mike and Kevin's bantering impressions of air traffic controllers.
Kevin singing the James Bond theme and segueing into the Indiana Jones theme as Bond punches out an evil truck driver during the airport chase scene.
(As Bond looks at his tuxedo'd self in a mirror) "Yeah! My God, I'm hot! This tuxedo would look best on the floor! ...Seriously, though, I'd do me in a heartbeat."
Mike and Kevin's impressions of a guy who doesn't understand poker and a frustrated croupier, respectively:
Mike: "Hit me!
Kevin: "Sir, you can't do that!"
Mike: "Double down!"
Kevin: "Sir, that's Blackjack!"
Mike: "Bicycle!"
Kevin: "Sir, now you're just reading the back of the cards!"
"Mr. Bond, I have a message for you from a Mr. Le Chiffre. It reads, 'Mr. Bond, your missing ten million dollars has been found, quote: "somewhere in my huge pile of money" and you can pick it up at "my butt." Burn, burn, ROFTLMAO, pwned, love, Le Chiffre.' You know, I really should look these things over before I read them over the intercom."
...This:
Vesper (whispering): You can have me anywhere. Mike (as Bond, rather gleefully): Really, like on a bakery counter? Or onstage at a political rally?
"It's been six minutes and we haven't done it—I wonder if he's impotent..."
"The people of Venice know about land, right? And how it makes an excellent foundation for buildings?"
During the climactic scene where Vesper drowns:
Mike: * whistles "My Heart Will Go On"* Kevin: If you break out into an ode to Celine Dion, I will give you the Le Chiffre treatment with your own microphone.
O'Connor gets the name "David Park" out of a low-ranking gang member. One of his fed buddies complains that he could throw a fortune cookie out the window and hit a dozen David Parks. When another agent informs him that "Park" is a Korean name rather than a Chinese one...
Kevin:(as agent) Fine, I'll throw a barbecued dog out the window, ya happy?
The running gag of Dom thinking 46 is the biggest number there is. One such instance late in the movie:
Mark Wahlberg's character notices a soon revealed to be plastic plant...
Mike: (as plant) Put a piece of glass in your eyyyyye...C'mon. Why aren't you killing yourself? Oh, God, I'm terrible at this!
One of Rifftrax's many memorable song covers:
Kevin Murphy: (singing) The Summer Wind/Came blowing in/So I killed myself/It lingered there/So I took a hatpin from my hair/And plunged it into my jugular vein... Take it Mike!
Mike Nelson: (singing) I sliced my wrists/with some broken glass/And then I blew my head off too/Then I disemboweled myself/And hung myself with my own intestines thanks to the Summer Wind.
Bill Corbett: Very nice you guys, maybe a touch dark.
Troy's reaction after Gabrielle volunteers to audition, complete with wheezing.
Stick To The Status Quo
Kevin: The Disney Channel. High schooler's repressed secrets are "I like rap" instead of "Dissecting a fetal pig gave me a boner".
Bill: The most kick-ass cello solo that doesn't involve the phrase "Yo-Yo Ma's drunk again."
Later, after the song.
Chad: Oh let's see, um you miss free period workout yesterday to audition for some heinous musical, and now suddenly people are confessing. Yeah Zeke, Zeke is baking. Crème brûlée.
Troy: Oh. What's that?
Zeke: Oh, it's a creamy custard-like filling with a caramelized surface, it's really satisfying.
Troy: Yeah, cool.
Chad: Shut up, Zeke!
Bill: Zeke would blind him with his pastry torch the very next day.
During Chad's first appearance.
Chad to Troy: Because in two weeks we're going to the championships. With you leading us to infinity and beyond.
Bill: And Disney finally sues Disney.
"Help!" - A message from the film's editor. Poor bastard never had a chance.
"If Troy can tell his secret, then I can tell mine. I bake... every night, while watching [adult swim]"
When Tony is chatting up the journalist and looking very skeevy:
Mike: Glasses from the "I Own A Dirty Bookshop" collection. Bill: Beard and mustache from the "Guy Who Makes Lewd Comments About His Own Nieces" collection of beards and mustaches. Kevin: Slicked-back hair from the "Brother-In-Law Who Threw Up At Your Daughter's First Communion Party" line of slicked-back hair.
Kevin mistaking "Institutionalized" by Suicidal Tendencies for a Keanu Reeves monologue, and continuing the song in his own words when Tony turns off the radio.
"THERE'S BUGLES ALL OVER THE FLOOR!"
When Tony shows his weapons to the troops:
Tony: I PREFER the weapon you only HAVE to fire ONCE! Kevin: I SAY things with emphasis ON words THAT may not HAVE gotten them NORMALLY!
Kevin:(as Tony Stark) It's called a "cram it four eyes."
Bill:(as Yinsen) Oh really, I thought tha- HEY!
When Tony Stark is wandering through the desert after escaping:
Kevin: Guys...I'm having...Ishtar flashbacks...(starts gasping for breath) Mike: No! We're losing Kevin! Bill, give him 20cc ofLawrence of Arabia soundtrack, stat! Bill: Uh, roger! (starts humming Lawrence of Arabia music) (Kevin calms down) Mike: Oh, good...he's coming out of it, good. Kevin? Kevin: I-is that Peter O\'Toole? Mike: Yes, Kevin, you trooper! Yes, it isPeter O\'Toole! Bill: It is definitely notWarren Beatty or Dustin Hoffman! (A helicopter flies over Tony Stark from out of nowhere.) Mike: Oh no! Kevin: (gasping again)Ishtar...can't breathe... Bill: Sorry! (starts humming Lawrence of Arabia music again)
"Summer 2009: Robert Downey, Jr. IS John Henry!!!"
Mike:[as Katara] Just F.Y.I., that big flying panda thing of yours... he drowned. Bill:[as Aang sobbing] Mike: And your flying monkey cat. Bill: Yes? Mike: He lived. Bill:[sobs harder] Oh dammit! Dammit!
[A soldier walks up and whispers to Zhao, played by Aasif Mandvi]
Mike:[as soldier] Sir, I just checked. The whole Daily Show crew is making fun of you, even John Oliver. Kevin:[as Mandvi] Wha- Oliver?! But he was in the freakin' Love Guru! Mike: Love Guru has more than double our tomato meter ranking, sir. Kevin: DAMMIT!
[When Zuko talks to the boy in the Fire Nation colony]
Zuko: You seem like a smart boy.
Bill: I LIKE TURTLES!
Kevin: Okay, maybe not...
Aang: We were forced under the water of the ocean. Bill: The water of the ocean, much like the air of the sky or the flame of the fire.
Mike: (As Zhao) I don't know where you got that from, my liege. Mostly they call him "The Masked Homo".
[Zuko in the Southern Water tribe]
Zuko: BRING ME ALL YOUR ELDERLY!
Mike: I NEED THEIR PREPERATION H FOR MY FACE OWIES!
Zuko: Don't even try to escape, THIS IS A WARSHIP!- [Aang flips over a table]
Bill (As Zuko): Ah, in hindsight maybe we should have tried something stronger than saying "Don't even try to escape" at least handcuffs! Something!
Mike (As Iroh): Hey, don't beat yourself up, you said "Don't even try to escape". Who knew he would try to escape despite your saying that? It's not your fault.
Bill:Hmm, thanks man, that really helps.
"Hello, plot? Motivation? Audience Interest?"
Zhao: With this information, we can bring down the water tribe city. (Ozai's actor looks toward the Camera) Bill (as Zhao): King? King,YO! I'm over here king!
Kevin:(as Katara, said perkily) That's nice; I'm unconscious!
One of the title cards:
Mike: You know, I tried reading the Water book; I found it a little dry.
"So do you think they mean 'bender' the way British people use it?" "Google it, folks!"
Kevin vocalizing Aang's Dull Surprise while entering the Northern Water Tribe.
When a Firebender looks up at the wave caused by Aang, turns around and points to it - "Frag One!"
After Zhao removes his cape and nervously puts it down - "I'll take off more. Don't think I won't take off more!"
During Katara's opening seen, showing her waterbending.
"Ultimately BP resorted to witchcraft to clean up the Gulf."
As Aang fights off a horde of Fire Nation soldiers in a stone dais thing:
Bill: (thoughtfully) You know, that looks like a lot of effort. He should just get a gun.
When Zhao is about to kill the moon spirit and asks Iroh why the gods insist on giving themselves such vulnerable physical forms:
Iroh: To teach man kindness and humility.
*Close up of the sack holding the soon-to-be-dead moon spirit*
Kevin: Workin' out great.
As all the soldiers/citizens stop to watch the tidal wave rising up over the city during the climactic final battle:
Mike: You know, if it were me, I'd try and resist the urge to look up in wonder and just go around stabbing the other guys until they caught on to me.
Memento
The Running Gag involving Burt's the motel manager's missing pet raccoon.
"SHIRTS! SHIRTS! THEY'RE COMING TO GET ME!"
Nestor The Long-Eared Christmas Donkey
When Nestor returns home as Roger Miller sings:
Mike (as Nestor): "Guy that beat me and killed my mother, you're my best friend of all!"
Mike and Disembaudio arguing over the appropriateness of Mike using the word "ass" to describe the donkey narrator.
Paranormal Activity
The riffers making fun of, among other things about Micah, his name:
Micah: Show yourself!
Mike: When guys named "Micah" try to act tough, we all lose.
Kevin: Parents, more evidence that naming your child "Micah" never ends well.
Mike: By the way, guys, just wanted to correct a little error I've let go for too long: my name is spelled M-I-K-E, but it's pronounced "Meek".
Bill: Yeah, don't trash-talk the phantoms when your name is "Micah"; it's not gonna work.
(Doorbell rings)
Bill: Demon~! I'll just leave 'im on the porch, okay?
(Katie answers the door)
Bill:(growly, demonic voice)'"COME WITH ME TO HELL!!!"
(Pretending to read with the planchette on Ouija board): T-H-I-S-M-O-V-I-E-B-L-O-W-S
The riffers' reaction to the ridiculously small areas where Micah puts powder on the ground to pick up the demon's footprints:
"And, provided the thing can't jump or take an average sized stride, we WILL catch it!"
The talk the riffers have about a Hollywood adaptation of Goodnight Moon, in which they believe Shia Leboeuf is destined for the role as the bowl of mush.
Mike: So let me introduce you to someone who IS familiar with demons; his name is Michael Bay.
Micah: Hey, we haven't had anything interesting happen in a while!
* singing* "I fell in to a burnin' Reign of Fire!/ McConaughey peeled off his shirt/ and the flames got higher!"
When a man and a boy explore a cave:
Man (to Boy): Why don't you go inside and have a wee look?" Kevin (as Man): That way, when I hear your muffled screams, I'll be able to estimate the size of the cave-in." and Mike: Well, they drilled right into the side of the Batcave, killing Alfred and Robin instantly. Batman remains in intensive care.
(As a child) "YAY!!! I get to sleep in the same room with a depressed, hairy man!!!!"
"INCOMPREHENSIBLE PANICKED YELLING!!!" "Yeah, well, INCOMPREHENSIBLE PANICKED YELLING BACK AT YOU!!!!!"
This moment:
Kevin: That's right men—vigorously defend our smelly crap-hole! Mike (doing a damn good Winston Churchill impression): We will fight to the cistern. We will fight to the garbage-strewn towers. We will fight to the dank, rat-infested basement. We will NEVER SURRENDER!!!...Probably.
"Alright, just like we practiced men: panic and scatter. Panic and scatter!"
Any scene where they make fun of Matthew McConaughey (there are too many to list).
Roadhouse
The entire monologue about "I used to fuck guys like you in prison!". "Do you still keep in touch with them? Did you hang around and talk afterwards or was it purely sexual?"
Earworm: The mention of Loverboy gives Mike and an earworm of Working For the Weekend.
Epileptic Trees: Is the film secretly a sly dadaist joke? Does Mark possess the God-like power to hear the film's soundtrack? Will Johnny come back as a zombie in a sequel entitled The Tomb?
Melodrama: The Disembaudio sequences during the movie's sex scenes. This movie manages to destroy the lives of Disembaudio and all of his friends and family.
Though with the exception of Dis's Grandmother and G-Dimes, and we guess Walter, they were all pretty horrible people and kinda deserved it.
Disembaudio's rant about his addiction to horse tranquilizers and the fact that he's committed several murders recently will probably bring tears to your eyes.
Running Gag: They riff on the football motif, mention the mom's cancer everytime she is mentioned or shown, and have Johnny saying "Oh hi" to everything. There's more.
Sanity Slippage: After one bizarre and inexplicable piece of dialogue after another between Peter, Johnny, and Mark:
Bill: We have fully descended into madness, people, and it's not even at the one hour mark.
Kevin: I can't take it anymore!
Mike: Oh, you're just a little chicken, Kevin. CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP! Chicken Kevin.
See Crowning Music of Awesome above.
Take That: Kevin compares Tommy Wiseau's multiple production credits as producer, writer, director, and actor as a modern M. Night Shyamalan. Mike tells Kevin not to insult Tommy Wiseau with that comparison.
The riff about of Lisa and her friends discussing which one of them is Edward Cullen's wife
Kevin's horrified screams upon seeing the weird bug things in the "Thumbelina" segment.
Kevin then states he's certain that there's already Fan Fic devoted to them. Bill pipes in, "Rule 34!"
Any time the riffers remind us that Santa is telling the Thumbelina story to the kids, and imitate what his narration for some of the strange/boring/painful parts must be like.
Bill:(as a kid) Wait, the lady on the loudspeaker is a ground-dwelling animal of some sort? What's going on here?!
Kevin:(as Santa) Enough questions! Guy in the gorilla suit, shut that kid up, will ya?
During the painful sequence where Santa attempts to attach a sheep to his sleigh
Mike: Guys if you close your eyes during these scenes it takes on a whole new context. Give it a try!
Santa: COME ON! OOHHHH! OH, HARDER!
Kevin: (amid mutual groans of horror) Gah! your right!
Santa: Well, now he is in the wrong way!
Kevin:(now utterly horrified and disgusted) OH MY!!
Santa: Let's get him out again... OHH, HARDER!!
Bill: OH, YOUR A BAD MAN MIKE! I'm going to open my eyes now!
Santa: (as he lumbers out of the sleigh to help attach the aforementioned sheep to his sleigh) let me see what we can do (gets out of the sleigh revealing a hideous brown stain on the backside of his santa costume)
Bill: "DEAR GOD! you can start by getting your Santa pants dry cleaned"
Mike becoming increasingly fed up with Bill's Running Gag about Mr. Digger's Bronx accent. "Now let's go get some nice pastrami at the deli."
Their riffing on the "Santa"
Mike(as "santa" stands up to greet the ice cream bunny, directly blocking out the sun to the camera) BOW DOWN BEFORE ME PUNY HUMANS! COWER IN FEAR AS I BLOCK OUT YOUR SUN!!!
And as Santa seems to fall into unconsciousness after the kids leave
Mike He, hes Dead!? the sun Killed him!
Kevin All Hail the SUN!
The group's reaction to the various nightmarish animals that appear
and their reaction to Mrs Mole's "Mole Supremicism"
Mrs Mole: (on the subject of the aforementioned frog) Frogs are terrible looking. We moles think they are FILTHY creatures.
Bill: Unlike God's chosen race, the MOLE!
"Well, that's it. I officially have no idea what we're looking at, why we're here, or even who I am anymore."
Kevin's Heroic BSOD after the entire Thumbelina story doesn't change a thing in the Santa story. "I'll pull the sleigh! I'll marry Mr. Digger! I'll do whatever you want!"
As the Ice Cream Bunny drives the kids in his vintage fire engine to save Santa, the guys are left speechless.
Mike:"Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time in 150+ movies, Rifftrax has nothing to say."
Bill: "Just this. Enjoy."
Their theories of what exactly they're seeing and why- ranging from a seriously bad drug trip to the studio exploding and them being in hell while Satan himself considers that forcing them to watch the film might be a little too harsh.
Their reaction to Thumbelina's criteria for an ideal husband
Thumbelina I just wish there was someone younger, or someone who was handsome, someone who was a human being like i am, (bill starts giggling) someone who will come and take me in his arms. I would be happy to be his wife
Bill Human Being. A distant, third priority for her.
"We came through time, space, and the boundaries of fiction to see that?"
Sherlock Holmes
On the sergeant found dead at the end.
Clark: I'm afraid sewage workers found his body just this morning.
MJ Elliott: Ah, so the body was in-turd.
Terminator: Salvation
As Marcus dies in the end of the prologue, the movie fades to white, and "Directed by McG" appears on the screen.
Kevin: If this is the last thing I see when I die, I will assume I'm going to hell.
Any jokes pertaining to Marcus and his having been in Avatar.
"Don't mention the lights in front of Mr. Bale! Oh, who gave him explosives?!"
"Hurry—get out of Christian Bale's light!"
(As John Connor is stranded on a crashed and sinking helicopter) "He's wondering how he can blame this on the lighting guy." "Oh, good for you, you broke my helicopter - and how was it?"
"(in a Batman-like voice) They know what you are, even if you don't!" "ROAR!"
When Marcus encounters Kyle Reese (looking much like a street urchin)
Marcus: What day is it?
Bill (as Reese with a Dickens street urchin voice) Why Christmas Day sir!!
Thor
The description brings up the 1985 Dork Age where Thor was turned into a frog and led a frog army, concluding with "This actually happened and you should look it up right now."
When Selvig says Thor's on steroids: "Just check his balls. They're tiny!"
Odin breaking his toe, twice.
Mike and Kevin's outrage that Bill would say anyone is as bad as the cast of Jersey Shore.
"Is there something in my mouth?"
After a tender scene in the RV, it cuts to a fire.
Bill: THEN SHE BURNED HIM ALIVE AND ATE HIS FLESH!!!!
Kevin: Wow, what a shocking and audacious ending.
After Loki reveals his blue skin to Odin: "Okay, okay. I knocked up Violet Beauregarde."
The endless fun they have with the word Odinsleep.
Thor can't lift Mjolnir: "Must I now whack moles with my bare hands?"
Lampshade Hanging how expected the Actor Allusion jokes have become: "To avoid crucifixion by The Wire fans, we're obliged to point out that this guy played Stringer Bell."
As Mjolnir is thrown to Earth: "Oh, please be found by a mischievous monkey!"
"I only have one hand! Oh right, the eye patch."
When Loki is lying under Thor's hammer:
Mike: My horns are stuck.
This:
Thor: You can't kill an entire race!
Loki: Why not?
Mike: Ah, the rarely-used 'why not' excuse for genocide.
As Thor enters the halls of Valhalla to triumphant fanfare:
Bill:(As Thor) That's right! GOT A COMIC BOOK DEAL BABY!
Disembaudio singing along with the Foo Fighters over the credits.
Titanic
Capt. Smith as the Titanic sets off.
Kevin: I'm going to sink this bitch!
Also counts as a CMOF for Mystery Science Theater 3000, as this line was also used when Mike and the 'Bots viewed clips of Titanic during an Oscar special.
as Rose, Ruth, and Cal admire the Titanic
Ruth: So this is the ship they say is unsinkable.
Cal: It is unsinkable. God Himself could not sink this ship.
[a deckhand calls for Cal]
Deckhand: Sir! Sir!
Bill [as Deckhand]: Sir, the captain has asked if you would please stop foreshadowing!
[later]
Jack: We're the luckiest sons of bitches in the world, you know that?!
Bill: Aw, man,Cameron's beyond foreshadowing now. He is five-shadowing!
At the end when the camera pans from 1997 Rose past a series of pictures of her in her cabin meant to show her life after the Titanic accident they point out how narcissistic it makes her look and have her talking about her cropping other people out of her pictures and objecting even to the presence of a horse in one.
Whenever Rose's mother appears talking, they start humming a circus style music.
On the scenes that sets the people in the high-class area, and the people on the basements, the three start to chatter on "business" and "gambling", respectively, and in the same manner on both scenes.
Singing "Poker Face" to the tune of "Nearer My God to Thee."
After saying "I regret nothiiiing!" several times in regards to the people falling off the ship, this happens:
Kevin: I regret- OOOH!! Hitting the propeller! WOW that hurt!
As a passenger falls to his death on the capsizing Titanic:
Kevin:(singing) Just hanging out, hanging out, hanging out with my enemies, having ourselves a party!
There is also a Call Back to The Room. When the film goes into a softcore Cinemax's style porn scene, Kevin exclaims, "Tommy Wiseau has ripped control of the film!" Naturally, Disembaudio walks in at this moment, just as he did in The Room, and once again calls the trio perverts.
The Wicker Man
The infamous bike scene:
Edward: Get off the bike.
Mike: (as Sister Rose) It's a girl's bike.
Edward: Get off the bike!
Kevin: (as Sister Rose) I said, it's a girl's bike.
Edward: (pulls out his gun) Step away from the bike!
Mike: (as Sister Rose) Fine, if you want to look like an idiot on a girl's bike.
Pretty much every time the ridiculously masculine Sister Beech is on screen, expect to crack up like a lunatic. She's obviously their favorite thing about the movie.
For instance, after Edward knocks her out with a single punch:
Kevin: Well, the 'never strike a woman' rule is still intact, it being Sister Beech and all
Late in the movie, when Mike mistakes her for Kevin James.
"When I think of getting jumped by Leelee Sobiesky, it's a little different."
When the news reports that two of the five tickets have been found:
Reporter: Whatever corner of the globe we're in, which ever of the five continents we're on... Neil: So they go nuts for Wonka Bars even in grim, socialist, dystopian societies? Disembaudio: Oh? Is this set in France? Mike: Disembaudio~ once again coming out of nowhere to spank the French!
"Mom saw a dull flicker of hope and snuffed it out right at the source. Way to go, mom."
Math class.
Mr. Turkentine: Today, we're going to learn...(draws a circle on the black board) Mike: ...how to play Hangman! Mr. Turkentine: ...about percentages. (talks for a while — shot of the class groaning) Mike:(imitating children's voice)THIS IS HISTORY CLASS!
"Where have I seen that deluded look of hope before—oh, yeah! A craps table at 4:00 a.m.!
When Charlie and his grandfather pine over a Wonka bar that may or may not have the Golden Ticket inside:
Mike: Neil, I don't want to know what happens next, but just tell me this...are dreams crushed? Neil: Obliterated. Not an atom of hope or joy anywhere to be found.
Just before they enter:
Mike: Joe's pointing out all the people that couldn't vote the last time he was out of bed. Veruca Salt: I want to go in first, before anyone else! Mr. Salt: Anything you say, sweetheart. Neil Patrick Harris: I can't believe I forgot mah bloody flask.
In the very tiny room, just before the factory itself:
Mr. Salt: You're a bleedin' nut, Wonka! No one can get through there! Neil Patrick Harris: Sam-B would have to a~gree! (SLAP) Neil Patrick Harris: Ugh! Mike: Disembaudio! You just slapped Neil Patrick Harris! Disembaudio: Hey, I just did what we were both thinking. I keeps it real, Neil! Neil Patrick Harris: Ouch! Yes, I get it—very real.
When Willy Wonka sings for the first time:
Mike: Hey, I wore nearly that identical outfit to prom. (Beat) Neil Patrick Harris: ...wow. Mike: Now that I think about it, though, my tie wasn't nearly that subdued.
Neil Patrick Harris: This is for all the eight-year-olds who dropped blotter acid before going to see the film.
Mike: Salvador Dali took one look at this scene and said, "Hey, man! This is too weird even for me!"
Wonka (singing): There's no earthly way of knowing....which direction we are going....
Mike: You know what would be funny — if you were an airline pilot and get on the intercom and do this exact thing.
Neil Patrick Harris: This is what I imagine it's like to spend time with Tim Burton.
After drinking the special soda:
Mike: You think this is a metaphor? You know, for...getting high? Neil Patrick Harris: ..."metaphor"? Heck, no! I think they were high when they filmed this! And when they wrote it, filmed it, screened it, ate lunch, slept, took showers. There was more THC passing through that movie set than through the whole Burning Man festival.
Mike: Did you ever do this on the set of How I Met Your Mother? Just dance around, singing a song of your contractual demands?
Neil Patrick Harris: Yeah. Just the other day I knocked em' dead with a five minute show-tune about the kind of cold-cuts I demanded to have in my trailer. Standing-O, my friend. (as Veruca Salt trashes the room) Gosh, I didn't do this exactly; during my dance break, I ran around punching crew guys and lighting small fires.
"A stiff thumbs-up shows the kids today you're 'down' with the 'music' and the 'scene' and the 'Pogs'."
The confusion over which country the movie takes place in, including "Maybe it's set before the American Revolution" and "Hope he doesn't get mugged on the mean streets of Englameripoland."
During "Pure Imagination":
Wonka: If you want to view paradise...
Neil Patrick Harris: (finishing the lyric) Simply watch another movie!
X-Men
During the opening scene:
Mike: Oh...Oh, do you really get to use the Holocaust in your silly little comic book movie? Bill: It doesn't seem fair, but I guess they're doin' it...
On Wolverine's facial hair:
Mike: You know, I don't think the Martin Van Buren mutton chops quite cut it anymore, now that it's not 1825 and all." Bill: I think he should try a beard with no mustache for a fresher, more 1863 look.
"Shouldn't he get back to the University of Michigan and start being their mascot?"
Narrator: Due to the untimely deaths of Mike Nelson, Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy, Rifftrax has been canceled. We apologize for the inconvenience, and we blame the calendar.
Kevin combining "Angels We Have Heard on High" with "Poker Face" by Lady Gaga.
The running gag involving the tree constantly referring itself as being "small and of no account", to the point that Mike, Kevin, and Bill keep referencing it in the other Xmas shorts that they've riffed.
"I can't deposit money at the bank. Why? No account."
Coffeehouse Rendezvous
"I harmonize badly!", featuring some Hollywood Tone Deaf turns from the guys.
The obviously stoned students being interviewed at various points.
The ending segment with the church coffeehouse, ending with a bunch of kids filing out of the place while the narrators go on and on about how popular coffeehouses are.
Cooking Terms
Narrator:Cream the butter? Better get the cream!
Bill:This narrator seems deeply invested in her failure.
Narrator:That's right. Pour it in! The recipe says cream the butter so put in lots of cream!
Kevin:That's right. Ruin the cake! Just like every woman I've ever known has RUINED MY LIFE!
Narrator: To cream butter merely means to work it with an instrument until it becomes soft and smooth.
Bill: Now is that clear or would you like to douse it in cream again, you empty-headed bint?!
During the jelly demonstration, the narrator mentions the "sheet from the spoon" test, which the guys hear as the "sheep from a spoon test".
Bill:(barely containing his laughter) You'll need an adult sheep!
Cops - Who Needs Them?
"Just don't sit on the DRUG-SNIFFING HAMSTER!" Wheeeeee!
Rifftrax's new favorite character, Frank!
"What Frank?"
Cork Crashes And Curiosities
The increasingly ridiculous Irish Accents used by the trio
As racing cars are unloaded from the docks after the narrator notes how only rich countries like Ireland can afford to host racing
This is an Australian short about safety when hunting/hiking/camping out in the bush. The guys however, interpret "the bush" as something...dirtier, and their reactions to anything that could be even remotely suggestive are the funniest parts of the short.
Kevin: (after the short shows several newspaper clippings about people who've died out in the bush) I'm taking a vow of celibacy!
Also, when the host of the short starts naming several important items to take when camping, the guys are anxious for him to mention a particular essential cutting implement. When he finally gets to it...
Host: (picking up a small Swiss Army knife) ...a knife...
Mike: What...What?! That's a knife?! Make up your mind, Australia!
Bill: So inconsistent!
Down and Out
When there's an unfortunate close-up of the characters crotch, framed by a harness:
Finally, Bill lays out the consequence of not following safe procedure:
Bill: You'll be stuffed into a jumpsuit, given brown dress shoes and a bad haircut and be forced to stumble around like Roberto Benigni!
Drawing For Beginners - The Rectangle
The constant jokes about the extremely basic subject matter. "Wait, I haven't seen how paper works!"
When drawing a little boy looking out a window to see it's raining oddly-shaped raindrops: "It's raining nooses! The universe is telling Willy to stop being a wuss and go for it!"
Bill turning the opening song into a cereal commercial while a montage of drugs cascades down.
All the jokes about the extreme lack of attention either child seems to be paying to their conversation.
"They oughtta check their house for carbon monoxide!"
"Why don't you LISTEN, you bonehead!"
Thousands died that day, and around the globe, people asked the same questions: "WHAT? WHADDYA MEAN? WHAT'S THAT?"
Bill and Kevin trying to get out of watching the short, Mike forcing them to stay. It's reminiscent of the Hobgoblins episode of MST3K.
Families: Earning and Spending
In a case of perfect timing, there's a Running Gag about tentacle hentai during the segments about a Japanese family. Kevin berates Bill for the joke... then cut to a display playing a commercial featuring an octopus in a microwave. Kevin officially gives up.
Families: Food and Eating
Running Gag about the Mexican family's haphazard eating schedule.
Candida(narration): We usually eat at my grandparents' house. My mother eats later, when my father comes home from work.
Kevin: We're totally winging it schedule-wise until someone invents iCalendar.
Then:
Candida (narration): Grandmother will eat her dinner later, after everyone else has eaten.
Mike: This is getting awfully haphazard.
Bill: Grandpa starts eating before everyone, then stops halfway through, and only resumes later that night when we've all gone to bed.
Hiroyuki (narration): My father works late, so he doesn't eat dinner with us.
Bill: He eats with the Mexican grandmother.
Family Teamwork
After the first kid learns he won't get the vacation he wanted.
Kid: " All I could think about was all of the fun I was going to miss out on. And then something funny happened: I stopped thinking about me and I started to think about how disappointed the whole family must be."
Bill: "Their depression really picked me up!"
Flying Stewardess
"The captain thanks you for keeping the plane snake-free."
"Hi, Bob Executive. Which way is business?"
One joke made better by the live riff: the frequent jokes at the expense of Ft. Worth, Texas were followed by "Sorry, Ft. Worth" once they realized that people there were watching it live.
Good Eating Habits
Narrator:After school, Bill was hungry. He was hungry, and he had some money.
Mike:So he ate his money.
At the end of the short, the film breaks, cutting off the narrator mid-sentence, leading to this gem:
Narrator: "And that..."
Bill: "AH! THE BOMB!"
Grasses: At Your Fingertips
"IS CORN GRASS?" and "IS BAMBOO CORN?" The question is never actually answered.
At later live shows, you'll find humorous facts shown on the screen before the show. One of them confirms that corn is, in fact, grass.
The terrified reaction to the clay doll.
Mike:WHAT AM I?!?!
Kevin running around on stage in a grass headdress and bowing to the kids in the grass masks. Later, he tries to pawn the headdress off to the other riffers. It doesn't work.
The whole thing is so bizarre and hysterical that it is one of the best shorts they've ever riffed on.
Highway Mania
After Kevin continuously makes a horrifically annoying siren sound, Bill stops him with a Crowning Moment of Awesome line:
Kevin? Don't take this the wrong way, but I will murder you, and smile while I do it.
During the demonstration of kangaroo "boxing", it's obvious that someone is holding the kangaroo up off-camera. "Nobody's helping me!"
Kevin's desire to merchandize the kangaroo, including making bottle openers out of their scrotums, trying to recruit them for a basketball team which is immediately shot down and mentioning how delicious they are.
First off, the Witch is the new Mr. B Natural of the 21st Century. Everything she does and says is so over-the-top quirky, the comedy comes from her trying to be kooky but coming off as an idiotic, creepy ditz.
The jokes about the sale on breaded zucchini.
Any joke about the witch's dark plans, culminating in "Join me in the dark abyss of savings!"
The entire short is about the once common practice of washing clothes... in gasoline.
(As a housewife pours a pan of gasoline in her kitchen) "Wait they were serious about the whole washing clothes in gasoline?"
(As a housewife) "Oh no! Something somehow went wrong with my pan of gasoline!"
(As a safety inspector, inspecting a gasoline based dry cleaning business) "Sure you can wash clothing in gasoline here. You're wasting my time even asking!"
(As a worker escaped from a gasoline fire) "Why can't we just use soap and water!?"
An announcer discusses all the safety features commerical dry cleaners have, then cut to a woman washing clothes in her home.
Announcer But what chance does the housewife have without these safety features?
Mike Well she could not wash her clothes in gasoline that would be a start.
Kevin has some nice stuff, apparently, in the live version.
Kevin: "[BOOM] My car! [BOOM] My Mountain! [BOOM] My bridge! [BOOM] My subdivision! [BOOM] Britney Spears' birthplace! No!"
Bill: "No!"
Mike: "Would you stop that?"
During the demonstration of how a dry cleaning company is prepared in case of a gasoline explosion, a joke is made pertaining on of the worker's resemblance to a certain celebrity.
In the live show, this leads to a couple jokes about a "post-explosion" Price when the Rifftrax Crew is promoting their live riffing of House on Haunted Hill.
"A bicycle safety film where apes evolve from men?!"
"We're headed over to Cornelius and Zira's for the game."
"To the Forbidden Zone!"
"It is/is not Ape Law!"
The shrieks of utter horror once the masks are revealed. Bill never really recovers from it (and it makes his jokes even funnier).
Overcoming Fear
Headline:Student Defends Bicycle Ordinance
Kevin:...on slowest news day in history.
Barker: "I've, uh, noticed you out there..."
Mike: "Things you don't want to hear in the locker room."
Paper & I
The entirety of the short shown at the House on Haunted Hill live riff. The guys turn a harmless short about paper production into a story of a young boy's descent into madness at the hand of his paper bag.
"We'll blot out the moon, Billy! We'll be GODS!"
What was funnier about it was how little they had to work to change it. "Did you ever think about what the world would be like without paper?"
"Daah, you have arms now! You're learning and adapting!"
"Then a trip through the gonad-jabber!"
Patriotism
The guys get a lot of mileage from the fact Bob Crane is involved with the short.
Bill: Man, Bob Crane had a funny sense of what contibuted to "an act of patriotism".
Later, when Crane's narration is silent:
Kevin:(nervously) Mr. Crane, you're awfully quiet right now. You're... not taping anything are you?
Mike:(as Bob Crane, creepily) Just keep on doing what you're doing.
The short's definition of patriotism becomes vague and odd:
Bob Crane: Patriotism is being proud of being who you are and whatever you do.
Kevin: So... if I like to make sculptures out of my own feces, I'm a patriot?
Bill: Mm-hmm.
Kevin: Cool!
Then:
Mike: Making ugly things even uglier is what patriotism is all about!
This reference, when Crane goes on about how everyone loves Arbor Day.
Mike: Unless Arbor Day and Life Day happen to coincide, well, you know, Chewbacca is out.
Pearl of the Orient
"These people are Moros." "Hey! We're not the sharpest knives in the drawer, but there's no call for that!"
The following line resulted in such a huge laugh at the live riffing of the short that the Rifftrax crew ended up missing a few lines due to the audience still laughing:
"Hey, I think I'll eat this RAGING OUT OF CONTROL FIRE MOM LEFT ME!"
A kid finding his dad's gun: "Perfect! I have a drive-by after school!"
"Oxygen: scourge of mankind!"
"This key could kill you."
Shake Hands with Danger
The final reprise of its theme song: "It's the 'Shake Hands with Danger' party mix!"
The narrator's awkward silence while Chuck Hamlin works on the excavator. Mike, Kevin and Bill use the opportunity to deliver some lame Chuck Norris facts for him. Later on, we see his dead body at various places throughout the film, and they note that the others are working while his corpse is still warm and (at the end) that he hasn't even been buried.
The neighborhood kids are trying to talk new girl Susan into digging a trench in a vacant lot with them:
Narrator: "You should see our trench!" Pete said, "It's long and wide and deep, too! We're having fun"
Kevin: Pete's favorite TV show was the test pattern.
Later:
Narrator: After that, everyone played together and had a good time.
Kevin: Until later that summer when they had to band together to destroy It.
Story of a Teenage Drug Addict
Upon a close-up of the main character's old, unattractive mom:
Mike: GAH! Dad, why are you dressed like that?
The main character's unsuccessful attempt at boxing:
Drug Addict: The other guy made hamburger out of me.
Bill: Then I got kidnapped by some guy who kept saying, "Robble-robble!"
Three Magic Words
Bill makes a joke that the opening music, when sung backwards, is the Protocols of the Elders of Zion. Cut to the butcher's shop, where the butchers are wearing wide hats. Mike's response: "Wait a minute, those are rabbis!"
"Our hollow-eyed dopplegangers will fill you in in the rest."
The Running Gag involving Vaughn Monroe's elderly looking wife.
As Smokey the Bear comes out of a billboard: "Pedobear: the Motion Picture"
What It Means To Be An American
The frequent attempts to end the short and the guys' exasperation when it just keeps on going. It's made doubly funny by being one of the longer shorts and thus sold in two parts, making it a Running Gag.
You and Your Family
In the transition between scenes:
Narrator: "Now are you ready for the next family scene?"
Mike: "No, I'd like a break..."(narrator continues on) "Hey! Why even ask?"
Live Shows
The pre-show cards. A few from Jack the Giant Killer included "Movie Mistakes" (Zookeeper starring Kevin James), "Real Life Giant Killers" (David - Goliath), "Only in the Movies" (Could a woman who is beautiful, intelligent, and fun have difficulty finding a relationship, because she is "kinda clumsy"), Movie Anagrams (Blil Plluman - Bill Paxton), and Movies that Netflix Puts on Instant Watch Instead of RiffTrax (Cool Dog).
The all-time best is one from Jack the Giant Killer, where they finally answer an open question from the previous year's show: yes, corn is actually grass.
The toy commercials from the Christmas show. Mike's "gift" was of a 60s toy robot with an Accidental Innuendo-filled commercial.
