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Quotes / Harmless Villain

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"What am I supposed to do, drop it in the road and wait for Kirby to trip over it?"
King Dedede, about Blocky, Kirby: Right Back at Ya!

    Film — Live-Action 
"Your pranks are so miserable."
Stanley to "George", Bedazzled (1967)

"Remember, if this makes the papers, we're no longer the "Wet Bandits", we're the "Sticky Bandits"! That's S...T...I..."
Marv Merchants, Home Alone

Laurie:I remember I caught him coming out of this jeweler's. I didn't know what his racket was. I start hitting him and I think "Jeez, he's breathing funny! Does he have asthma?"
Dan: He tried that with me, only I'd heard about him, so I just walked away. He follows me down the street—broad daylight, right?—screaming "Punish me! PUNISH ME!" I'm like "No! Get lost!"
Laurie: Whatever happened to him?
Dan: Well, he pulled it on Rorschach, and Rorschach dropped him down an elevator shaft.
(both laugh)
Watchmen, discussing "Captain Carnage"

    Live-Action TV 
"Harmony, when you tried to be head cheerleader, you were bad. When you tried to chair the homecoming committee, you were really bad. But when you try to be bad? You suck."
Buffy Summers, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

    Video Games 
"I am evil—stop laughing!"
Veigar, the Tiny Master of Evil, League of Legends

Guybrush: You're about as fearsome as a doorstop.
Murray: ...Is it a really evil-looking doorstop?
Guybrush: Uh, never mind.

"In a city where death can be temporary, lunatic murderers are not treated with especial respect....a throat-cutting spree is not very much worse than a wasp's nest. It must be vexing for him."

General Pepper: The leader of this rebellion is none other than Oikonny.
Foc McCloud: OK, I see now. So we're here because...

"Your penchant for mass murder notwithstanding, people tend to regard you as a bit of tool."
The Narrator, on Eridan Ampora, Homestuck

Ganon: Now how am I gonna get back at that jerk for everything he's done to me? Hmm, I could always kidnap the princess... nah, been there, done that. I could just go and kill him, but that wouldn't be evil enough... No, I must do something so utterly evil, he'll be all like, "Whoa dude, that was like totally evil!" I got it! I'll go punch him in the nose! That'll show him!

    Web Original 
"In real news, the Weather Underground bombs the US State Department, hurting absolutely nobody and generally continuing their reputation as the fluffy bunnies of the terrorist world."

"The Borrower's superpower was leaving signed documentation at the scene of all his robberies. That's like being a regular criminal only easier to convict — like, suspiciously easier. His escape vehicle is a chatty stroll and he's dressed like an embedded reporter in a war between leprechauns. If a rookie superhero saw The Borrower, he'd probably say, 'Oh, fuck. This is all some kind of Make a Wish Foundation stunt. I'm ... I'm dying, aren't I?'"

"The Dominators are masters of the ten galaxies…I bet those galaxies are a bit embarrassed about that."

Romulan: “I mean, the Ferengi get more exposure than we do. We really have to work on our brand.”

"I would like to submit that Aeon the Terrible is not very good at being terrible."
Mike Fireball in his review of Rudolph's Shiny New Year

"A geeky, awkward research scientist turned flamboyant, rubber-faced idiot...His pseudo-sexual obsession with Bruce Wayne compels him to leave brain teasers for Bruce every now and then. Terrifying!"

"I genuinely love how she says that no one’s going to be able to protect them from the plants, and everybody just busts out laughing at her, and Gossip Gertie is all 'in Gotham, we’ve got Batman, so f*** you.' Gossip Gertie don’t shiv."
ComicsAlliance on Poison Ivy

"Mr. Hyde is not all that compelling in this movie. He is built up all during the first half (kind of like Harry Lime in The Third Man) where we only get glimpses and whispers of how evil he is. When we finally meet him we find he is not so much evil as just an asshole. He beats up a few people but the majority of his evil acts are insulting people and drawing penises in medical textbooks (I’m not kidding). Heck I can get that from any episode of House."
Miles Antwiler on Mary Reilly (1996)

Chris: Dracula in this movie definitely looks like the default version in a video game that allows you to customize your character. “…And Commander John Shepard as Dracula.”
David: There’s nothing Draculesque about him at all.
Chris: He doesn’t even have one medallion.
—Chris Sims and David Uzumeri on Blade: Trinity

"Watching Thanos fail at obtaining an Infinity Stone has become as common as watching the Duke boys once again thwart Boss Hogg. And the thing is, it’s fun to watch the good guys win — and win, and win, and win, and win, and win, and win, and win, and win, and win — but now I’ve started to feel a legitimate amount of sympathy for Thanos. Would it kill the universe just to let the guy have one Stone? I mean, it has been ten movies. What would one Stone hurt? Perhaps this is why Edgar Wright left Ant-Man? Maybe his grand idea was for poor Thanos to finally get himself a Stone. 'Sorry, Edgar, that’s just never going to happen. We have to let you go now for even suggesting such a thing.' "

"Oh, and we also got an appearance by a vaguely heel Lord Alfred Hayes, who made fun of Todd’s name. And yeah, that was pretty much heel Alfred – he was never blatantly evil, just more like he got out of the wrong side of the bed in the morning."

"This diabolical baddie has entered the realms of rude. RUDE!"

    Western Animation 
I never tip, I butt in line
I never clean the dishes and it suits me fine
I'm so pleased, I'm such a sleaze
(This bad guy thing's a breeze!)
King K. Rool during a song in Donkey Kong Country

"Plankton. One percent evil. Ninety-nine percent hot gas."

"Another failure, Shredder? You have an almost perfect record!"

Jake: These guys aren't a threat to anyone.
Finn: These guys are a threat to themselves.
Finn and Jake on the Cuties, Adventure Time ("Conquest of Cuteness")

Dr. Gevaarjlik: Heinz, evil doesn't have to be on a big scale. You can spread evil in the little things you do everyday.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: You're right.
Dr. Gevaarjlik: BUT YOU CAN'T EVEN DO THAT! You're a total failure!
Phineas and Ferb, "Oil On Candace"

The Narrator: Oh, Amoeba Boys, you're so dumb! But we love you anyway.

Monarch: (Narrating) So what's all this crap about levels? Level 10, level 4, level whatever? It's not that confusing. An EMA level means an "Equally Matched Aggression" level. It all started with, that's right, the original Dr. Venture. See, fifty years ago, there was this freshman villain called Turnbuckle. No fancy car, no weapons, no clue, right? He shows up at the Venture Compound and snatches Rusty from his playpen or whatever and demands a fight.
Action Man: Step away from the boy.
Turnbuckle: Cousin! You face Tuuuuurnbuckle! My punch is devastating!
Action Man: Step the fuck away from the boy!
Monarch: The guy puts up his dukes like a total douche, so the Action Man, because he's a full-on psycho, pistol whips him into the ground like a tent pole. And then this Turnbuckle, he looks up and says-
Turnbuckle: Kiss my ass!
Monarch: Click. Takes one right in the brain. Not equal. So they came up with this system. You have huge balls, a deadly partner, an armed headquarters, a huge henchman army and a flying car? You're like a level 9 or 10. If you just have a sidekick and enough change to ride the New Jersey P.A.T.H. train, you're a 4. Guess who's a 4?

    Real Life 
"'I, Voldemort, give you full permission to use the most evil of magics!' They're like, no, Voldemort! Not the ear magic! 'YES! BURN ALL THEIR FUCKIN' EARS!'"


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