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Funny / Harry Hill's TV Burp

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Harry Hill's TV Burp is pretty much a living, breathing generator of CMOFs. You'll find a good few dozen a show, to the amount that trying to write out every single one would end up making the page look like an encyclopedia.

  • From the episode dated 26th March 2011, we get a scene from Coronation Street with four characters looking like it could turn into a pretty nasty fight. Harry does the usual lead-in, but before he can scream "FIGHT!", it cuts back to Coronation Street where the scene degenerates into an all-out brawl. Around half a minute later, Harry steps in and declares "FIGHT!", being followed with 'Heather', Nobbin (Some weird horse-skull thing from a show he looked at the previous week), the Knitted Character, a bug-eyed store dummy (meant to represent Ross Kemp), and Wagbo! All while "I Predict A Riot" by Kaiser Chiefs blares in the background.
    • From the same episode, he looks at Jean-Claude Van Damme's show, "Behind Closed Doors". Whenever he makes a joke about him, Jean appears (Via a scene transition from his show) and punches Harry square in the face. The third time this happens, he grabs Jean by the arm and throws him to the ground before proceeding to fight him.
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  • Nothing a bit of lippy won't sort.
  • In one episode, Harry notes about Heartbeat always previewing their next episode as a dramatic and action-packed saga. As a result, Harry responds by showing a preview of next week's TV Burp, complete with car crashes, sky-diving, and Harry hiding in a bush.
    Harry Hill: (while sky-diving) Isn't it funny when people end up looking like their pencil sharpeners, eh?
  • Harry's Impersonation of a mannequin.
  • When reviewing an episode of Lewis, Harry comments on a chase scene's Soundtrack Dissonance, and it leads to this:
    Harry Hill: See, if you change the music, you change the whole feel of a show. If you were to change Coronation Street's title music...
    (the theme of The Professionals play over Corrie's opening titles)
    Harry Hill: Changes the feel of the show! Take Heartbeat...
    (The Sex Pistols' "Anarchy in the UK" plays over opening titles)
    Harry Hill: Changes the feel of the show! Take the ITV News...
    (the theme to Steptoe and Son plays over the opening titles)
    Harry Hill: Changes the feel of the show! Take, EastEnders...
    (The Smiths' "Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now" plays over opening titles)
    Harry Hill: [shrugs] Obviously, not always the case.
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  • This:
    Harry Hill: And now, to Emmerdale. Yes — some of the characters actually watch it!
    Harry Hill: It's Emmerdale!
    • The entire Wagbo saga qualifies as this.
  • Harry tearing the representatives on Club Reps has some hilarious moments too.
    • "People might call them parasites, but I've seemed to have warmed to the club reps."
    • On the last week of the vacation, the reps plan a surprise concert. One suggests that one of the numbers would have the reps dress as the Village People and dance along to YMCA, claiming it will be very funny because everyone will know the dance.
      Harry Hill: [giggles] Yeah, that'll be a laugh ... [bluntly] about 20 years ago.
    • One rep uses the sinks and his bare hands to wash himself as he prepares to take the guests to a nightclub.
      Rep: Give the pits a bit of a wash ... [grins] so I'm not stinking of B.O tonight.
      Harry Hill: [singing weakly] Luck be a lady tonight...
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    • Another rep ends up in hospital for kidney failure in need of a transplant. She tells the audience that her condition can be caused by a long list of activity, including: overworking, too much caffeine, and eating too much meat.
      Rep: It must be brought on by a number of things, because I do all that.
      • On top of that:
      Harry Hill: So what does Syrita bring in for her?
      (Syrita waves around chocolate bars, burgers and other sugary foods to the camera)
      Harry Hill: Get well soon!
    • A guest called Baxter praises his time spent with the reps, claiming that he'd do it for as long as he lives. Harry then spends about twenty seconds trying to work out how the guest could go on an 18-30 package holiday at 83 years old.
  • When the shows Harry reviewed had suspiciously similar dialog to many of his running gags, he would hit back — often with subversions.
    • From Emmerdale, a man says that he's "seen the light" with a woman he's trying to seduce, "but there's only one way to find out..."
      Harry Hill: FIIIIIGHT!!! [pauses, then moves on uncomfortably]
    • Then, EastEnders did a blatant one.
      Girl: Who's better? God or Santa?
      Vicar: It's more of a matter of opinion.
      Girl: If they were to have a fight, who would win? God or Santa?
      (Vicar looks away uncertainly)
      Harry Hill: Hmmm.... if there was only one way to find out... (Aside Glance) Look, EastEnders, the more times you try to make one of your fights happen, the less it's likely, okay?
  • This chase scene.
  • Harry constantly points out that Nana Moone's boyfriend in season 3 is "the bloke off Lovejoy".
  • From the 11th December 2011 episode, we get a montage of Phil from EastEnders smashing through doors... leading to this hilarious sequence.
  • Name's the Same occurs in one episode of Emmerdale.
    Man: [My name is] Roger Moore.
    Harry Hill: No you're not! You're nothing like him!
  • When the EastEnders characters speculate on Peggy Mitchell's absence, Harry points out that she's the Queen of Bingo on the Jackpotjoy commercials.note 
  • Harry sometimes dismisses ludicrous statements by characters in the shows that he reviews, by telling them they were just imagining it.
    • In The Apprentice, Alan Sugar gives a team a lecture after their task.
      Alan Sugar: This is no game-show, OK? There isn't gonna be some ... busty blonde outside waiting to hug you, so you can ... sob into her bosoms.
      Harry Hill: No, Alan... that wasn't a game-show. ...That was a dream you had.
    • In Coronation Street, Ken explains to Tracy how excited he was to read to her daughter.
      Ken Barlow: I've been reading that story to Amy. You know? The one about the fox that runs away and meets a Scottish badger?
      Harry Hill: No, Ken... that was a dream you had once.
  • The Running Gag in the 2012 series of a soap character throwing a glass at something in anger, then Harry to join in throwing things until the target is broken (such as a picture falling off a wall), then a man comes on to award him a large teddy bear in a polythene bag (as though he'd won a prize at a coconut style) and he does a Black Comedy sketch about the bear being suffocated.
  • Cataracts?!
  • In one EastEnders episode, some of the male characters decide to join the Football team, much to Harry's disgust.
    • He even lists all the annoying tropes and clichés.
      Harry Hill: Not a football competition again! We've got weeks of this! "I wanna manage it!" "What're we gonna call it?" "He's no good! He can't be in it!" "Someone's dropped out! You'll have to step in at the last minute!" "Cor! I never knew you was good at football!" PLEASE!!! ... I mean, couldn't one of the Ferraras get ill again, or something?
    • The EastEnders Subbuteo set, which has all the characters in the series on one team, including Wellard the dog and a pregnant Cat Slater. Then a taxi carrying Dirty Den and his donkey (driven by a Subbuteo Harry) runs them all over.
    • Billy Mitchell and Minty talk about Gary's newborn as they talk about him being the Walford football team's manager.
      Minty: Someday, you're gonna tell your son that you were once the manager of the Walford Wanderers.
      Bill Mitchell: [smile fades] ...D'you think he'd be proud of me?
      Harry Hill: [grumpily] NO. Why would he be? Would he proud of a dog in a wig?! Eh?!
  • One fight is between the local newspapers of Emmerdale and EastEnders.
  • In a documentary that features doctors trying to get parasites out of patients, it's explained that some doctors use lumps of bacon to lure them out of a patient's body. A confused Harry says, "Yeah, but what if the worm's Jewish?"
  • Is it me, or is Phil Mitchell deflating?
  • Harry chastises Spencer Moon for spending an entire thirty-second long clip for buttering a slice of triangular toast.
    "Ooh, I could waste a morning just buttering away. And if I'm having Marmite, the whole day drifts by!"
    • Later in the same EastEnders episode, Spencer is put in charge of the fish delivery in the factory. Harry freeze-frames on a close-up of the list where orders have been bullet-pointed with time frames about ten minutes apart from each other. Three of the bullet points are waiting for the fish delivery, the fish delivery arriving, and checking that the order is correct. Harry adds on putting all the ordered fish away, standing back and admiring all the fish that's been put away, organising a street party in Albert Square to celebrate the fish being ordered, and...
      Harry Hill: "10 'til 4: Put butter on half a bit of toast."
  • Harry Hill's snipes at Pat Butcher, mostly around her perverted and Maneating ways.
    • Pat talks to the "bloke off Lovejoy", and she comments on his energetic enthusiasm.
      Pat: I hope I have half as much [of your] energy when I'm your age.
    • Phil Daniel's character becomes Pat's roommate and tells friends in the pub that Pat tried to Bed Trick him. Cue a slow zoom in on a screaming Harry.
      • Whenever Pat offered homeless characters to sleep at her house, Harry immediately screams, "Don't go!!"
    • Harry points out Pat's tsundere attitude towards Patrick during their affair, and justifies with a scene where she refuses to work for Patrick.
      Pat: I'd rather take a knife and fork, and eat dog poo off of the street, than work for you again.
      Harry Hill: [disgusted] Knife and fork? To eat dog poo?! Don't be disgusting! ...You use a spoon, don't you?
      • Also, Pat is seen reading a gossip magazine on a page with the headline: "Are you too old for sex?"
      Harry Hill: YES. Yes you are, Pat.
    • Martin is caught by a relative trying to drown his sorrows after seeing his mother having sex with a stranger in the living room.
      Martin: Went to the flat, looked through the window, and there she was. Big slobber fell on top of her. ...Both laughing ... both drunk ... our mum!! ...What kind of a woman would do that?!
      Harry Hill: Pat?
  • Waiting for Britney Spears...
  • Harry jokes that Emmerdale have a euphemism for "pregnant" (however, one of the characters are trying to move a family member into their cottage, deciding her "keep [them] up in [their] Aunt Fanny's bedroom"). Then, in Coronation Street, Harry assumes that Blanche met up with someone the night before.
    Blanche: [groans] It's too early in the morning to have Keith Chegwin shouting at yer!
    Harry Hill: Well, you shouldn't have brought him home last night, you dirty girl! I hope you were careful, otherwise you'll have a keep-me-up-in-your-Aunt-Fanny's-bedroom!
  • Every time Harry mentions the channel rivalry between BBC and ITV.
    • He described an ITV invention competition series on ITV1 as "The Apprentice with ad breaks."
    • When he reviews BBC's Life On Mars, Harry comes to this revelation:
      Harry Hill: Wait a minute... solving crimes in olden times? I've seen that before somewhere...
      Harry Hill: It's Heartbeat! [crossly] HANDS OFF OUR SHOWS!! (Aside Glance) Okay, fair enough — we did nick Dancing On Ice.
      • Then, in a scene where Gene Hunt and Sam Tyler cuff a crook by a leisure centre, Sam goes to recite You Do Not Have to Say Anything which is interrupted by Gene:
      Gene Hunt: YA NICKED!!!
      Harry Hill: "You're nicked!" ... Hang on, they're doing it again...
      (scene from The Sweeney plays)
      Jack Reagan: Right! You two are nicked!
      Harry Hill: [angrily] HANDS OF OUR SHOWS!!
    • He also likes to point out that the ITV show Primeval is similar to Doctor Who.
  • It's not a cube!
  • The ENTIRE Pronoun Trouble/Who's on First? concerning Ai the chimpanzee.
  • Harry trying to figure out the gibberish being spoken on Coronation Street. The eventual translation? Brown sauce is for poofs!
  • Many of his snipes at The Apprentice.
    • On one introduction, he says:
      Harry Hill: [It's time for The Apprentice] with Sir Alan Sugar, or as I like to call him ... Sid James.
      (Footage of Alan Sugar and Sid James' photographs are put side-by-side)
      Harry Hill: (animating the mouth of Alan Sugar's mugshot) [Sid James impression] You're fired. Yakyakyakyakyakyakyakyak!!!
    • In the earlier seasons, the studio audience would shout "YOU'RE FIRED!!" and lunge at the camera with angry glares and accusing pointed fingers.
    • When Harry mocks a contestant called Nick (that is practically the male version of a Go-Getter Girl), who claims he's always been successful.
      Nick: ... Although, I did get a B in one GCSE, which, to me, is a failure, having got straight-As throughout my life.
      Harry Hill: [weakly] Yeah... I got 19 out of 20 on my spelling [test] ... it still rambles... (Aside Glance) It seems that "i" before "e" doesn't apply to "receive", but ... who knew?
      • And to top it all:
      Alan Sugar: [Nick,] you've got a big head. You're FIRED!!
      Harry Hill: [under his breath] I blame that B you got in that GCSE...
    • The men's team desperately trying to come up with a name, and Saiid suggests "The A-Team".
      Harry Hill: That's clever, I guess. Name your team after a 1980s' TV show.
      Saiid: Just to justify why I think we should go with that name — the A-Team, whatever task they do, whatever they put their mind to, they are winners. ...In fact, I've got another one — "The Winners"?
      Harry Hill: Yeah, but what if you don't win? That'll just rub it in, won't it? "What's your team called?" "The Winners." "Did you win?" "No, we lost."
    • A team try to create a poster that would advertises cheap airline fights, leading to a diagram that makes Harry think:
      Harry Hill: Now, to me, that looks like a polar bear being poked in the eye by a stick-man.
      • When he sees their final design hanging on a billboard:
      Harry Hill: Yeah, not bad — I prefer mine. (waves a picture to the camera) It's a polar bear being poked in the eye with a stick. By Jo off the The Apprentice.
      • Also, this joke:
      Harry Hill: Ah yes — Amsair. You see, everything's got to have "Ams..." in front of it: "Amstrad", "Amsair" — that's why [Alan Sugar's] stair business, Amstairs, folded. People kept phoning up for small rodents. "Hello, [this is] Amstairs. ...No, we don't sell hamsters, no. We sell stairs — Amstairs."
    • Harry's take on the episode about laundry.
      Harry Hill: Gee, I wonder what Sir Alan Sugar's been up to?
      Alan Sugar: [to the female team] Hello, girls. How's my pants doing?
      • Alan sends a pre-recorded video to the contestants to tell them about their task for the week.
      Alan Sugar: I've put out two laundries for [the teams]. You go out, you find the customers, you perform the service, and make sure the quality's good, 'cause I'll tell you one thing — when stuff comes back from the laundry that I don't like, I sling it back at them.
      (Harry gets underwear thrown in his face)
      • The female team decide to go door-to-door in a neighbourhood to offer them a chance to do their laundry for them. A women with a posh accent tells them that she's not in the mood, and Harry assumes it's Margaret Thatcher. He thinks it's strange that a woman who was once Prime Minister of the UK isn't in the mood to help amateur businesswomen.
      Harry Hill: That's a bit rich, because I do all of Lady Thatcher's laundry. (clothes are dumped on the desk in front of him) Thanks, Maggie. (picks up her underwear with a photo of David Cameron on it) Look at her pants... David Cameron on the front and... (turns the underwear around to show a photo of Gordon Brown on the other side) ...Brown on the back.
      • Alan Sugar mispronounces "Calvin Klein" as "Kelvin Clein" and Harry has his fun with it. He accuses Sugar of buying bootleg brands to save money and unveils all the other fake brands Sugar buys, such as "Nikey", "Christine Dior" perfume, and a "Louis Sweetcorn" handbag with a mock of the YSL logo on the front.
  • When Harry notices Paul Burrell's enormous biceps on I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!:
    Harry Hill: Where's he get those muscles? ...It's from carting [Princess Diana's] stuff up into the loft!
  • The segment on Muslim Driving School ("Hey, here's a show I didn't expect to see on TV this week!").
    • Upon being informed that a learner's arranged marriage ended in divorce:
      Harry Hill: Oh well. Plenty more fish in the sea! [aside] Although with modern intensive fishing techniques, there aren't.
  • Pauline Fowler's new boyfriend is nicknamed "Mr Benn" because his voice sounds similar to the narrator on the show.
    • Then, Harry performs a puppet show in the style of the classic cartoon. In it, Pauline enters the laundrette and acts tsundere towards Mr Benn, who then attempts to rape her, assuming that she's Playing Hard to Get but is caught by Dot Cotton. Mr Benn rushes out of the door disheveled.
  • One episode has a segment devoted to The Cube, with Harry actually taking the time to measure the titular stage and determine that it is actually a cuboid.

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