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  • Any use of Accidental/Innocent Innuendo
  • Linda's failed advances at neighbour Jez
  • Whenever Tom insults Linda, whether it's at her intelligence or appearance
  • Linda's stories about her dysfunctional childhood
    • Her family and her father's abusive behaviour
    • Her life in borstal
  • Linda's occasional homophobia:
    • Towards gays: "There's no such thing as 'gay'; it's just laziness!"
    • Towards bisexuals: "There's no such thing as 'bisexual'; it's just greediness!"
    • Many cases towards lesbians. Usually says, "Turns my stomach."
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    • Also when she is accused of being homophobic: "I ain't phobic about homos; I just can't stand the sight of them."
  • Whenever Tom and Linda bicker
  • Linda shoving Tom over
  • A drowsy Tom saying "Ugh, I'm a good girl, I am" when he's drunk or stoned.
  • Linda believing that she is gorgeous, often comparing herself to Courtney Cox and Catherine Zeta-Jones
    • The rest of the characters and others that interact with her will always claim she's ugly
    • Linda's sister also states "I don't know what you see when you look in the mirror, but it's not what the rest of the world sees."
  • Tom's obsession with Sir Simon Shepherd
    • Begins in first season as Tom admiring him as a role model towards his pursuing acting career, to having dreams of erotic fantasies with him by the final season and hoping to be his co-star in his written drama that's "in-your-face queer [...] with a capital q", which is mostly written as a sort-of Awful British Sex Comedy where he hopes to "pull [Simon Shepherd] off" when it's eventually published.
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  • Occasional moments when Linda flirts with men, who are either oblivious to her advances or repulsed by her appearance.
  • Any scene when it's just Tom and Linda, guaranteeing loads of laughs.

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Season 1

     Who's That Boy? 
  • Linda kissing (and humping) her posters of Liam Gallagher.
  • Linda's journey to the shop:
    Linda: Give us a fag.
  • Tom yammering to himself whilst Linda tries to watch the TV.
    • "Mirror mirror on the wall, the greatest kids' TV presenter or them all has to be Miss Zoe Ball!"
    • He wonders whether members of the public think that he's "rugged".
  • Suze allowing Jez to tell his side of the story because "he's very talented orally".
  • This:
    Tom: Why? Are you gonna miss me?
    Linda: [grumpily] Like a cat with no neck misses licking his own arsehole.
    Tom: [after a long pause] Is that a yes or no?
  • Beryl eavesdropping on Tom and Linda's argument in the corridor:
    Tom: [catching her glaring at them] What are you looking at?
    Beryl: I'm just preening my bush, dear.
    • In the same scene:
    Tom: Oh? So I look like the back end of a bus, do I?
    Linda: If buses mince.
  • The smug look Linda, then later Tom, makes to themselves when they spot a man in his underwear with his back to them at the kitchen sink before they go outside.
    • Also, the fact that they both spend the whole episode trying to convince themselves that they were the ones that had a one night stand with him and not the other.
  • Don't forget when the room-mates believed that the man's in their bathroom using the toilet.
    [after Tom suggests that the door's unlocked and goes to open it]
    Linda: Hey! How would you feel if you were parking your breakfast and a couple of people tried to barge in?!
  • "I'd rather chew the cud with Rosemary West!"
  • The builders on the scaffolding in the high street supposedly wolf-whistling at Linda. They're catcalling a younger attractive woman on roller-skates in front of her. Remember, this happens on the way to and from the supermarket with the same woman on roller-stakes.
  • Tom crossing himself when Linda mentions Gerri Halliwell ("God rest her soul.")
  • Lest we forget the final scene of the episode:
    • The excitable way Linda and Tom applaud themselves after they re-enact clichés from many TV shows
    • "DCI Snatch, Sunhill."
    • How to act out Championship Boxing, according to Linda: [punch Tom in the face]
  • Suze laughing at the "trick" Linda can do with a wine glass, which Jez probably told her about
    • Tom and Linda looking worryingly at each other (bear in mind, they were both completely drunk)
  • Linda's insult to Tom:
    • "you overgrown streak of piss!"
  • The drinking scene:
    • Beryl brings alcohol into the apartment whilst congratulating Tom for getting his new agent for his acting career.
    Beryl: If you'd have told me earlier, Beryl would've slipped into her boob tube and mash potato'd 'til dawn.
    Tom: [flatly] Don't be revolting.
    • A hungover Linda claiming she couldn't drink another drop of alcohol ... then being completely drunk a few moments later.
    • Tom mincing.
    • When trying to remember the stranger in the flat, Beryl says that he reminded her of a young Shirley Porter. Then correcting herself with Sidney Poitier
    • "Well I can't help it if I'm visibly disabled!"

     The Big Break 
  • The fact that Tom pronounces Cockney as "Cock-a-ney".
  • Linda listening intensely at Jez and Suze's sex beneath them with a cup.
    • The fact that she's annoyed that Jez is with Suze, when he could "have the likes of [her] bang on top of him".
    • Followed by Tom's response: "You wish, you big wench..."
  • Tom trying to act like a Cockney "hardman" on the way to the pub.
  • "Three words: spinach pie."
  • Tom's agent pitches the Crimewatch audition for tomorrow, saying that it will be working-class, Cockney, and to just think of EastEnders and "be butch".
  • Tom inviting Beryl to the dinner party and Linda getting annoyed with him because she "didn't want another bird there"
  • Linda becoming offended because of Tom asking her how she talks like a "navvy in drag".
    • As well as accusing him of being racist, and the fact that her accent doesn't mean that she's an expert at being a granny-basher.
    • Calling him a "condescending runt".
  • Tom's insult to Linda: "You sad slapper!"
  • Tom's smugness over getting an audition and insulting Linda's job in media. The fact that she's only annoyed with his dinner party because she's in a dead-end job "twiddling around with her little ... switchboard."
  • Eventually, Tom just tapes EastEnders. He decides to watch the body language of one of the Mitchell brothers; for research, he would watch Phil Mitchell, the one with "the ginger fuzz around his lips"
    • Then he turns to Linda and asks her if she's ever experienced anything similar...
  • Beryl polishing the floor throughout the episode which manages to hurt Tom badly (he breaks his leg) and make him miss his audition.

     Legs & Co 
  • The entire sequence of Tom pulling himself through the living room and lowering himself into his seat with his wheelchair and crutches whilst Linda sits on the sofa dialling. He emphasises his disability by loudly groaning and moaning as he tries to move about. Then she asks him to make a cup of tea...
    • Linda calls him lazy because she's seen loads of documentaries about disabled people who manage to climb mountains and do the Hokey-Cokey when their limbs can't work.
  • The delivery boy talking about his time in prison, whilst Linda bends over provocatively to get him aroused:
    Linda: (oblivious) Really?
    Delivery boy: It was tiny in there.
  • "Would you put those flowers down?! The mauve is clashing hideously with your yellow teeth."
  • Shirley the carer, who is sent to bathe Tom but treats it like a therapy session; Tom tries to get a word-in but Shirley just talks about his horrible childhood, his horrible adult life and his girlfriend who killed herself one Christmas Day.
  • Linda suggesting that she bathes Tom, but he rejects.
    • "You'll never see my penis, okay?"
    Linda: Not without a microscope.
    • "You will never whip up a froth in my groin-al area."
  • Linda desperately trying to win the delivery boy's affections on their date the next day, however she finds out that he is Christian who is following abstinence to her dismay
  • A race horse on the television called Shavin' Haven.
    Linda: "I shall riding the three o'clock on my Shavin' Haven."
  • Tom reluctantly makes Linda wash him, blindfolded.

     Do They Take Sugar? 
  • "There's two names you never say: Sugar Walls and Cheryl Baker."
  • "Oh big fat hairy bollocks!"
  • Tom phones his friend Degsy about Sugar Walls:
    • "Degsy, it's me. Now before I tell you this, you must promise not to diverge this information to a soul. Guess who we've got round our flat!"
    • Then later: "Guess again. No, guess again... One more time..."
  • Linda reveals that she is related to Sugar Walls:
    Linda: Sugar Walls' real name is Sharon La Hughes. She's my sister.
    Tom: She can't be! She's gorgeous!
    Linda: She's a dog!
    Tom: She's a gay icon!
    Linda: So am I!
    Tom: No. You're what we call a Fag Hag.
  • Tom's impression of Lorraine Kelly, and then begging Sugar to go with him. He couldn't wait to sit on her sofa and "finger her dainty bone china"
  • Sugar Walls calling Linda Olive from the show On the Buses
  • Tom's reaction to Linda's dusty room:
    Tom: For the Love of Twiggy, we haven't hoovered! Linda, I'm trying to be sympathetic here, but we've got a celebrity and dusty rugs! We would've hoovered but "Oh no," says Linda, "the carpet's all right; it blends in," well, look!! [smacked the rug to show the last dust cloud] We better pray she's not asthmatic. I don't want a celebrity death on my hands, Linda; I don't want this to be the death place of Sugar Walls!
    Tom: They'll be coach parties. Chinese people with state-of-the-art cameras,
    Linda: Death's too good for that bitch.
  • Jez and Suze next door being completely fooled when Sugar Walls (through her trench coat and sunglasses) claims that she is the poet Pam Ayres
    • The neighbours later convinced that "Pam Ayres" is hiding somewhere in Tom and Linda's apartment
  • The Bodyguard that follows Tom around who turns out to have affections towards him and jumps on him in his bedroom
  • Sugar phones Liam Gallagher for Linda to prove she knew him. She later redirects the call and spends the rest of the night making perverted phone calls to him, claiming she's a chat-up woman who got his number from Sugar Walls
  • Tom abusing Sugar after her disappearance: "... the only person on Ready, Steady, Cook to bring a pot noodle."

     Saturday Night Diva 
  • Tom recites a lengthy speech about getting older. He complains that he is almost 30 years old, yet he is acting like a middle-aged man. He also claims he should be clubbing and enjoying himself instead of staying at home with Linda. When Linda points out that he'll miss Casualty, he bellows that he can survive a day without his daily dose of NHS drama because he's not always glued to the television. Then Linda says,
    Linda: I'll tape it for you.
    • Also:
      Linda: There's a Leonardo DiCaprio film on tonight where he bares all.
      Tom: [scornfully] Couldn't give a monkey's if he stuck a feather up his arse and sang "YMCA"!
  • Tom's paranoia from the drugs he took. Linda covers everything with sheets to the point in which the entire flat is white, including Linda, who looks like a ghost wearing glasses.
  • Linda can't be bothered to go out and party any more, and Tom is annoyed:
    Tom: The fact that you won't be there ruins my pulling chances.
    Linda: Why?
    Tom: The sight of you strutting about in skin-tight Lycra is enough to turn any man queer.
  • The fact that Tom lied to his one night stand (who was Italian) that he was a famous British actor in a soap, where he plays a ladies man with a sandwich-making business
  • Linda tries (yet again) to throw herself at Jez whilst Suze is out, but fails and unintentionally manages to being them closer together as a couple in the end.
    Suze: Thanks, Linda.
    Jez: Yes, thank you, Linda.
    Linda: [crossly] Oh fuck off.

     I Do, I Do, I Do 
  • Tom telling Linda that he classes himself as a "gay man":
    • Linda replies: "'I'm a gay man... I'm a gay man.' So why are you marrying a woman then, you wanker?"
  • Linda dreaming about arguing with Tom on the Terry Clinger Show as stereotypical "trash-tv" American chat show guests.
  • Tom's insults to Linda:
    • "Oh, you silly fat tart"
    • "Ginger fag hag with enough cellulite to cover Japan"
    • "silly little kumquat"
    • "you over-emotional slut-bag"
  • Linda trashing Tom's room completely after finding out he was going to marry a woman called Gloria she had never met, then pushing Tom over after he tries to stop her
    • Then sitting in the living room as if nothing had happened, and then Tom rushing in with a chair, bearing the chair legs at her violently as if she was a rabid wild animal
    Tom: [sarcastically] Well, my room's doing a good re-enactment of Beirut, so thanks for that.
  • The entire sequence of Tom trying to explain to Linda that he is marrying Gloria so that she can stay in the country to be with her British girlfriend and Linda screeching that she doesn't understand
    Linda: So Tom, are you still gay?
    Tom: If I was in a lift with Shirley Williams and Robbie Williams, I think I'd go for Robbie.
    Linda: [angrily] Answer the bloody question!
    Tom: [really loudly] YEESS!!!!! I'm still gay!!
  • Tom almost being run over by Gloria and the man leading her down the aisle when he is rushing to the toilet at the back
  • Linda hides in her room whilst Gloria arrives and Beryl is looking after her.
    • Beryl takes her temperature:
    Linda: Well, how am I?
    Beryl: According to this, you're clinically dead.
    • Linda makes Beryl spy on the visitors outside:
    Linda: Is she built like a brick shit house?
    Beryl: She looks like Geoff Capes in sling-backs.
  • Gloria suggesting that she "shoot[s] from the hip", and Linda's look of disgust at her crotch
  • The wedding going completely without a hitch because during Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Peace, everyone looks expectantly at Linda, who had been against the idea from the beginning, but she just wants them to hurry up with the ceremony.
  • Tom, desperate for the toilet, heads up the aisle to go, but is almost trampled by Gloria, who is being led down the aisle.
  • Linda saying, "On yer bike; I'm not a dyke"
  • Tom telling Linda that she's "just as hilarious as heart disease" as usual
    • Linda bringing Tom his tea
      Linda: [handing Tom tea and a cigarette] Here you are, traditional English breakfast; a cup of tea and (pointing at Tom) a fag.
    • Linda claiming that Tom shouldn't see anything attractive in his friend Degsy because "he's camper than a big van"
    • In the same scene, they both look at a photo of a young Tom and Degsy:
    Linda: You haven't changed a bit. Well, you always have that with friends, innit? The fit one and the ugly one. (Tom looks annoyed) My friend was a right bloodhound.
    • Linda claiming she has the body of a fourteen-year-old.
    Tom: Which one? [[Literature/Greyfriars Billy Bunter]]?
  • The wedding party in the flat, with Jez and Suze as the DJs
    • Tom finding Degsy sitting in his room, who tells him that he is attracted to someone, but Tom is too convinced that he is Degsy's crush that Degsy cannot tell him otherwise.
    • Linda barging into the room with Gloria's brother, who she tells to "do to her what he did out there" and open his mouth whilst Tom acts repulsed in the background. The brother tells her that he wants her on his new show, and Linda agrees unless she has sex with him, to which he reacts worried.
    • Linda and Tom leaving the two men in the room whilst they celebrate the future; the two men in the room looking lost and confused.
    Gloria's brother: How do I tell her that I'm impotent?
    Degsy: How do I tell him that I've gone straight?

Millenium Special

  • Tom and Linda's fantasies of spending the New Year celebrations with celebrities
  • Linda's reason for throwing the Christmas Tree on the ground:
  • Tom's insult to Linda:
  • Tom was called selfish:
    Tom: Me? Selfish? Who did the Christmas Tree, hm? Who made the Christmas dinner, hm? Who made Christmas punch?! It didn't just magic itself there! The little Christmas Fairy didn't fly around and do it!
    Linda: [smugly] Yes, he did.
  • When the room-mates look at the TV Guide:
    Linda: Maureen from Driving School's on Question Time
    Tom: [in disbelief] Don't be so ridic. That's absolutely ridic.
    Linda: [showing Tom the picture] No, look. There's the guys from Question Time and there's Maureen from Driving School.
    Tom: That'll be Ann Widdecombe, you ridiculous clod.
    • Same scene:
    Tom: ... Yeah, cut open your veins, you'd have blue blood pumping away, eh?
    Linda: [sniggers] Everyone knows blood's red! And you call me thick?!
    Tom: Blue Blood, you daft trollop!! As in the Royal Family.
    Linda: [groans disgustedly] Oh, I hope they're not on tonight! Bloody Northern pansies.
    Tom: [smugly] Wh-What?
  • The reason why Linda isn't going to her friend's New Year party:
    Linda: Tanya called. She blew me out.
    Linda: I think she got a puppy for Christmas, because I could hear her fella in the background screaming "I'm not having that dog back in my house!" and then she said, "Oh, party's off."
    • Then Tom's realisation:
      Tom: You're not going out? Then why are you wearing more make-up than Scritti Politti?
    • Tom's ground rules for Linda staying at home:
    Tom: Linda, if you choose to stay here, and ruin my Lesbian 'n' Gay Pick 'n' Mingle...
    [Linda reacts disgustedly]
  • The Charades scene:
    Linda: "Eiderdown Girl"! I win! My go!
    Tom: When have you ever heard of a song called "Eiderdown Girl"?
    • Tom: Girl, you stupid bitch.
  • Linda pushing Tom over so she could get to the telephone.
  • Linda getting annoyed over Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? because it would be pointless to have Phone A Friend if a contestant had no friends. Also, the questions are seemingly hard.
    Tom: No they're not! They're like "Arrange these dates: Monday, Thursday, Wednesday, Tuesday."
    Linda: Well we all don't have a degree in Date-Arranging, do we?
  • Linda claims she's done a "70 minus 1" wearing her puberty present from her late mother
  • Linda's new laptop, which is basically a toy for toddlers that are learning to spell letters, with voice command and music
    • Linda struggling to find the letters "w" and "k"
  • This:
    Linda: Then what's the difference between a bisexual man and a straight man?
    Tom: In my experience, about six cans of lager.
  • The bed scene...
    • Linda wondering what it's like having a penis.
      • Then revealing that her mother used to call her genitalia "patty", and that she laughed her head off whenever 70s singer Patti Boulaye was on television.
      • Tom adds that he mother called his genitalia "tail", then Linda claims it's confusing but it explains why he get pleasure in the back.
    • Tom's first kiss story, which was a mistake because the boy who did it mistook him for a girl who was a "crap snog".
    • Linda's first kiss story, which makes Tom walk out disgusted
    Linda: I had my first kiss when I was 8. Sampson his name was. I had gone up the back field with my mate Patsy Clap, and there was this horse there called Sampson...
    Linda: Tom? Tom, it was an accident!! I yawned, he licked!!
  • Tom aggressively venting about never having any fun because Linda always stops him. It's her fault that they can never go to the theatre.
    Tom: [...] Which coincidentally is not a play.
    Linda: It was in a theatre. There was an interval. I had ice cream.
    Tom: The theatre should be exciting.
    Linda: I was stuck to my seat. It took three usherettes to prize me off.
    • Musical theatre
    Tom: It's your fault I never go to the theatre! Always showing me up! Jumping onto the stage during Annie!
    Linda: I was born to play that role!
    Tom: And when we went to see Cats, what did you shout out to the lovely Elaine Page? "Show me your pussy, I'll show you mine"?! [...] Then when we saw Jesus Christ Superstar, you ran around the interval telling the little children, "He dies in the end."
  • Linda kissing Tom. Where to even begin...
    • The fact that Linda willingly did it, despite being called a horse kisser, and being abused by Tom's speech about how he has no friends and is envy of his old friends' new relationships; "they make punch and people come and drink it; they don't polish it off themselves".
    • In the middle of the kiss, Tom's hands become frisky and the two of them look like they're on the way to actual sex.
    • Once it's over, the two of them stare into the distance, breathless, and smoke cigarettes.
    • Despite all these circumstances, Linda claims it was awful and that the horse was better.

Season 2

     Teacher's Pet 
  • Tom arriving home wearing an outrageous costume, and Linda not taking any notice.
  • "I love a little punny on Wednesday night"
  • Sugar Walls telling Tom that Linda was always loud as a child and that the family shoved her in a dog kennel in the backyard at night so they could sleep
    • Linda's response: "You make that sound abnormal. [...] My kennel was great; I had a TV in there..."
  • Linda confusing herself for Catherine Zeta-Jones in the gossip magazine she's reading, then later discovering her sister in the tabloids.
  • Linda getting drunk with Jez and Suze's doll and telling her strange adaptations of Fairy Tales.
    • "... and she's pours all this porridge down her filthy neck, right? And the three bears come home, and the Mummy Bear's like, 'Oi! What d'you think you're doing? Get outta here or I'll call the old bill [police] on you!' And then Goldilocks is like, 'Do I look scared?' And then..."
    • Tom eavesdropping as he grabs a glass of alcohol and snaps at her: "Don't pollute that young child's mind with your... oral dirt!"
    • "So once upon a time, there was this filthy bitch called Snow White, and she was shagging these Seven Dwarves. I know! Rotten, innit?"
  • Tom getting punched unconscious by Patsy Kenzit from EastEnders after pestering her

  • Tom's insults to Linda:
    • "galumphing great gibbon"
    • "fat horse"
    • "stupid great oaf"
    • "scary witch"
  • Linda's failed advance towards Jez, who had been taking Viagra throughout the episode.
  • Tom superstition, which was the reason why they hurried home:
    Tom: There were two nuns in a phone box down the street.
    Linda: [disgusted] I know. Lesbos...
    Tom: Oh, shut up, you fat horse. You know bloody well that nuns on the street equals bad luck; now give me the keys.
  • Tom wondering who the bloody hell Wincey Willis is when he's watching Through The Keyhole
    • The joke being that Through The Keyhole was famous for having "anonymous" celebrities on it whose houses were under the subject of the round
  • The room-mates wondering about the coffin and why it's in their apartment.
    • Linda's constantly being reminded of the death and the funeral of her mother.
      • Her father's reaction:
        Linda: When mummy died, daddy was found in a skip with her knickers on his face singing "I Will Have Nothing".
        Tom: (about the body) I wonder why [Beryl died]...
      • How her mother was buried:
        Linda: Mummy wanted to be buried to Elvis —- you know? The music? —- Only the funeral director got it wrong, and buried her as Elvis. Put her in his Las Vegas gear, you know? Big quiff, shades. Even got the pout.
  • The montage with the coffin, in which Linda and Tom use the coffin for crazy mundane things, like an ironing board, a bench, a coffee table and a table for a match of table tennis.
  • The funeral director called Bob Hobbs
  • "Well bugger me in Burnley! It's Beryl, our landlady!"
  • "I mean, who wants a stiff in the bedroom?"
    • "stiff" is slang for coffin, by the way
  • Jez and Suze arrive and the group wonder how Beryl died, considering she seemed very healthy when they last saw her, coming to the realisation that she may have committed suicide. The house-mates are worried, despite Tom and Linda's confusion, because now that makes them homeless.
    Linda: Well, the selfish little bitch!
    Tom: How DARE she commit suicide and leave us homeless?! HOW DARE SHE?!!
  • Linda stealing mundane objects from Beryl's apartment, such as clothing, a jigsaw and a floor lamp
  • Tom getting drunk on Beryl's alcohol and then being dragged into their apartment on a sheet being pulled by Linda
    • Suze thinking he'd died and Linda retorting, "Shut up, you tart; he's pissed!"
  • Tom claiming that Beryl died from an STD:
    • "[...] she did have a lot of sexual partners. She's been down that clap-clinic so many times, she's got a string of gonorrhoea named after her."
  • The young man that turns up at the door looking for Beryl, who Tom and Linda fight over for the rest of the episode
  • Linda taking Tom's "wake up and smell the coffee comment literally
    • Tom's response: "Oh, you scary witch."
  • Tom impersonating the presenter from Through The Keyhole:
    Tom: "Naah I wonder who liiives in a haaaaiiiise like theeerrrs? Daaaavid, it's oooovah to yeerrr."
  • Linda impersonating Beryl in order to have sex with her foreign toy boy in her bedroom whilst returning all of Beryl's possessions she'd stolen
  • Tom and Linda physically wrestling to the front door in order to look at the attractive visitor.

     Prison Visitor 
  • Tom's new cat
    • Linda telling him to bin it
  • "Your pussy seems to be in a bit of a mess!"
    • "Oh, he meant Elaine."
  • Tom explaining that the cat is up for an audition for Coronation Street.
    • Linda claiming that Tom would be great for that role, to which Tom snaps that it's for the cat
  • Linda's reason for not buying food for dinner: "Tom, I've got a date on Friday! D'you think I'm gonna eat?"
  • The final scene of the episode:
  • "OI!!! SLAG!!! I'M THE DADDY NOW!!!!"
  • Linda the morning after the prisoner sneaking into her bedroom.
    • She uses a rubber life ring to sit down on the sofa.
  • The convict telling Linda in order to make her a fake ID, he had to find a Su Pollard picture and coloured her hair in orange.

     Dirty Thirty 
  • "Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me; happy birthday, you sexy bastard..." [cue Tom feeling himself up and sexily tossing his head violently] "... Happy birthday to me."
    • "Bill, bill, bill, bill! Oh, that's bloody great!"
  • Linda pretending to forget Tom's birthday, and Tom trying to help her remember:
    Tom: Perhaps my mother was rushed to the hospital 30 years ago, and told to strain really hard?
    Linda: I had to do that when I was constipated.
    Tom: Maybe she had something in her tummy?
  • Tom's birthday kiss
    Tom: [disgusted] THAT WAS A BODILY FLUID!!!!
  • After Linda (unintentionally) has sex with Tom's dad, and his mother yelling at him for being selfish, the parents return to the living room in costumes, telling Tom that they are swingers and asking him to accept their sexuality. The mother leaves in huff when he does not respond.
    • Tom's parents booking him an escort (prostitute) for their surprise gift. Linda later having sex with the escort when she convinces him that she is Tom Farrell because she is "a girl with a bloke's name".
  • Tom becoming worried that he's getting too old to be cast for younger characters and sobbing in his room:
    Tom: [crawling over to Linda whilst facing the ground] Have I turned grey? Will you check?
    Linda: [checks head] No. [grabs his pyjama bottoms] Shall I look down below?
    Tom: [immediately pulls away aggressively] Get your sweaty digits of my crotch, you... dirty-minded mare!
    Linda: Blimey! I hope I'm not like this when I hit 30!
    Tom: You're thirty-six.
    Linda: [completely offended] Bollocks! I'm 28!
    Tom: STONE!!!
  • "You evil witch!"

     Glad To Be Gay? 
  • Tom's trade believing that the visitor at the door is looking for Tom
    Linda: Oi, wanker! Beryl lives upstairs!
    • Then Beryl comes downstairs with a visitor dressed as a policewoman in leather, telling them to never "do that again"
    • Linda acting repulsed when she realises Beryl's become a prostitute again
  • The bedroom scene
    • Tom claiming that his trade is a "gormless halfwit with the sex appeal of a cyclops", after claiming a one night stand should be with a builder or someone in a high-paying job
    • Linda claiming that the British are depressed about sex:
    Tom: [correcting her] "repressed"
    Linda: No. Depressed. Times I've woken up with some bloke screaming "What have I done? What have I done?"
    • "No, about last night, you pratalling pig!"
    • Tom reminding Linda of the night before
    Tom: You were all over that taxi driver like a rash. Claiming how much "us birds should stick together". And then you started singing an impromptu version of Only Women Bleed. Only you kept messing up the words, so you were going [in a shrill women's voice] "Only women... what women do again?"
  • Linda calling her trade "taxi twat"
  • Tom using Linda's tongue as glue for his thousands of letters to the media industry, whilst the "taxi twat" calls her friend
  • Linda stress smoking as a smug Tom enters the room
    Linda: (with a look of panic and stress) I love smoking, me. Mummy gave me my first cigarette when I was ten and I've never looked back.
    Tom: (entering the bedroom slowly) Everything ok, Lindy? Well, I must say that this has come out of the blue.
    Linda: (snapping) Tom, you know I smoke.
    • Tom concluding that Linda is homophobic because she secretly was lesbian:
    Tom: Well, now I know why you were so vile about dykes, because you were in the great Egyptian river... ''DE-NIAL''.
    • Linda doubting that she is gay because she has male posters all over the room
    Tom: Maybe you're bisexual. (disgusted) Oh God, nobody's safe.
    • Tom trying to convince that she is gay, and offering to go on the Gay Pride parades with him:
    Linda: NO!! I can't do marching! I got thrown out of the Marionettes for misusing me baton!
  • Tom's lecture after picking Linda up from the police station for begging for sex from male strangers, and then punching a cop
    Tom: Keep your lips firmly shut and sit down.
    Linda: (smugly) Bit of a challenge.
    Tom: Yeah, I see. You see a tone and you've just to lower it, haven't you? It's been an eventful 24 hours for Linda La Hughes, hm? I mean, first you try a hand at nightclub violence. And then you pull a penis-free cab driver.
  • Linda goes out for the night, claiming that she doesn't care whether people think she's homosexual, because she knows her sexual orientation, only to be crashed out in her room the next morning, recovering from having sex with the same taxi driver all night. She is just as surprised as Tom, and screams into the camera.

     Sofa Man 
  • Breakfast scenes:
    Tom: [gossip magazine in hand] Quiet. I'm reading my Stars.
    Linda: Is the Moon in your anus??
    • Also:
    Linda: [imitating Tom] "Spot on". "Spot on". Freak!
    Tom: It's just a saying like "mutton dressed as lamb".
    Linda: Well here's another one — kiss my arse.
    Tom: It's barely eight o'clock in the morning! I don't want to think of your LUMPY, BARE BEHIND!! You're putting me off my porridge. I've got images of stretch marks shooting across my brain!
    Linda: [crossly] "STRETCH MARKS"?!! The skin on my cheeks is as tight as a tambourine!
    • This part:
    Linda: [after the news that Tom wants to move in with Vic] You've only known him five minutes.
    Tom: In gay years, that's a lifetime.
  • Vic Cheesecloth with his camp mannerisms turning out to be married to a woman, but Tom is confused because they shared a bed in the caravan.


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