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The Big House Pt. 1
- The Cold Open where Jake unexpectedly appears at the 99, having apparently been set free because they caught the real culprit trying to flee the country. It seems like an anti-climax resolution to last seasons cliffhanger... but then things start getting weird when Holt says that Jake has been given a free vacation to Disneyworld for himself and his closest male friend, and he and Boyle start talking about how nice it will be to go with someone else who's afraid of the scary rides while the whole preinct cheers Boyles name. Cut to...Terry: BOYLE!! Were you dreaming about Jake again?!Boyle: WHY DID YOU WAKE ME UP?! I TOLD YOU NEVER TO WAKE ME UP!
- The episode, and the season, opens with Jake waking up excited for the first time in prison, because it's visitation day. He happily greets the other inmates he's gotten to know as he passes their cells... only to discover that the last one had hung himself during the night.
- Boyle gets upset that Amy hogged all the "touching time" by hugging Jake and demands that he gets all the goodbye touching time.
- The visitors are Amy, Boyle, Terry, Holt... and Hitchcock, much to Jake's confusion.Jake: You guys brought Hitchcock?Holt: No, we just ran into him in the vestibule.Hitchcock: *to a female prisoner* Hey babe, I love what incarceration is doing for your figure!
- Holt feels the need to inject Rosa's name into every sentence to combat the dehumanization he's worried she's facing in prison.
- Terry and Holt argue about who has to take Rosa's bike out to "keep it warm", and Terry argues that he shouldn't have to do something that dangerous because he has three kids:Holt: Are you saying my life matters less because I don't conform to society's heteronormative, child-centric ideals?
Terry: Are you really playing the gay card right now?
Holt, completely deadpan: Yas, queen. (tosses Terry the keys, then snaps his fingers in a way that somehow also manages to be deadpan)
- Peralta's cell-mate, Caleb, seems like a really nice guy, until Peralta learns he's in prison for killing and eating nine people. That the authorities know of.Peralta: Are you a... cannibal, Caleb?
Caleb: Well, that's not how I would define myself. If we're going by what I'm most passionate about, I would say that I'm a woodworker. Why did you think I was in protective custody?
Peralta: I dunno, I guess I hoped you were another cop wrongly convicted of crimes you didn't commit.
Caleb: Nope! I did all my stuff - and more! There's tons they can't even trace to me. The secret is eating the evidence.
Peralta: Everyone's gonna try and kill us!Caleb: I know! What are we gonna do?Peralta: You're a psychopath, you can protect us in there, right? I mean you killed and ate a bunch of people!
- Peralta and Caleb are transferred to general population after being caught with contraband ramen.
- Jake tries to catch an abusive guard on camera using his contraband cellphone, and has Caleb film while the guard beats him up. Problem is, Caleb has been in prison for 15 years and thus has very little experience with smartphones. The first time, he ends up filming in self-portrait mode, and the second he adds a "fiesta filter" (everyone on screen has a cartoon sombrero on), which sort of takes away a bit of the tone of the video.
The Big House Pt. 2
- Jake in solitary, from start to finish, whether making a busty stick figure portrait of Amy out of mashed potatoes or reenacting Mufasa and Scar's opening conversation from The Lion King.
Jake: I'm not afraid to be alone with my thoughts. My thoughts are awesome! Die Hard 6 on a cruise ship, pizza bagel restaurant, my father never loved me and I'll die alone- oh boy. That happened fast. GUARDS!
- Jake breaks within the first minute of solitary.
- Charles runs a podcast to try and exonerate Jake.Charles: This is Charles Boyle and you are listening to "Detective Peralta: A God in Shackles".
- Caleb keeps bringing up his past as a child cannibal.Caleb: I gotta tell you, cop work is a lot cannibal work. The watching, the following, the waiting for soccer practice to end...Jake: Come on, man!
- Holt tries too hard to convince a security guard that he is straight.Holt: There is nothing more intoxicating than the clear absence of a penis.
- After the squad has an Eureka Moment about the smuggled diamonds:Scully: I still don't get it.Hitchcock: [Resigned] Nobody does. They're just pretending!
- Jake accidentally doing a bunch of Buzz, the drug popular in the prison, and discover that it's actually just meth with a new name because meth has gotten such an image problem in recent years.
- After being released, Jake visits Caleb in the hospital to thank him for saving him from getting shived. The two shake hands... and Caleb tries to take a bite out of Jake's hand, leading to him running away screaming.
- Holt continues to take everything seriously as usual.Jake: Guess what I'm holding behind my back?Holt: Before we begin, what a re the parameters of the guessing game? How many guesses do I get? Is there a time lim-Jake: Forget it, you ruin everything. It's the Police Code and Ethics Manual chapter 4 page 83.Holt: You should not have told me. I never would have guessed it. Now, I won.Charles: [smiling] This, this is what I've missed!
- The montage of Pimento doing "regular Pimento stuff" includes him screaming while waving a sword, screaming in a gym, and screaming while playing hopscotch with kids.
- Holt has a tendency to squat occasionally when evaluating Jake.Jake: You might want to squat now, Mr Evaluator!Holt: I decide when squatting is necessary. [squats] This was my choice.
- The serial escalation that is the cold open:[It is 3am in Jake and Amy's room. The alarm clock goes off — but Jake is already awake]
Jake: Halloween. Mua-hahahaaaaaa. It's heist time!
[He rolls over in bed — only to discover that Amy is already awake and watching him]
Amy: Thought you'd get a head start on heist prep? Good luck. [She throws off the covers on her side; revealing that she's fully clothed] I'm already dressed.
Jake: Well... [Jake throws off the covers on his side, revealing he's also fully dressed] I am also dressed. And, I made breakfast.
[Jake pulls down the covers further to reveal... an empty, grease-stained plate.]
Jake: Wait, where are my eggs?
Holt: [Off-screen] In my belly.
[Captain Holt turns on a light to reveal himself sitting in a chair in the corner of the room, in full uniform, watching them]
Jake and Amy: [In unison] Dyaaaahh!!!
Holt: Now get a move on! It's heist time.
Jake: [Overjoyed] I love Halloween!
- Holt tells the squad that he will be the winner of this year's heist.Holt: [Looking at Charles] No courage, [looking at Rosa] no patience, [looking at Hitchcock & Scully who both turn around] no brains, and of course, [looks at Terry] a bald old man.Terry: I'm younger than you!Holt: No comeback for the bald thing, I see.
- After the belt is stolen during a blackout, everyone becomes suspicious of each other.Jake: It's still in this room. In fact, it's right HERE! [rips open Holt's shirt] Nope, it's just your tum tum.Holt: I don't have the cummerbund because it's right HERE! [rips open Jake's shirt]Hitchcock: Or is it right HERE! [rips open his own shirt]Terry: Everybody stop undressing! We just had harassment training!
- Everyone totally buying the idea it's Gina under a wolf mask talking to them via video because that's exactly what she'd do for real.
- Holt constantly refers to the belt as a "cummerbund."
- Jake tries to persuade Amy to release him from where he's handcuffed to the filing cabinets. The lines between competitiveness, affection, and lust begin to get blurry:Jake: Look, there are only three Tramps. The only way we'll win is if we team up.
Amy: Good point. I guess my response is: ROT IN HELL, CRAP-FACE! [Jake gasps in shock; affectionately] Also, I love you and I treasure you and [Suddenly aggressive] ya bore me!
Jake: God, you're being so mean! [Turned on] Do it more.
Amy: [Seductively] I hope you die.
[Jake gasps and practically swoons]
Amy: [Sweetly] Bye!
- Holt talking calmly to Hitchcock and Scully with Hitchcock noting he's sweating. The camera pans down to show Holt working a bicycle that's connected to a cable going through the wall and the vents and pulls up the massive computer bank over the belt so Chedder can run in and grab it. And through it all, Holt claiming to be watching male porn.Hitchcock: You're lying! IT just installed blocker software. Thanks to moi.Holt: Uhh yes. They didn't install it on my computer because I'm the captain.Hitchcock: You don't look hot and bothered at all to me. Show us the erotica!
- The way Holt constantly refers to fake Chedder as "this bitch?"
- Also, once the real Cheddar returns.Holt: "You betrayed me. You'll explain yourself later. Return to my office."(Cheddar adorably trots over to Holt's office)
- Also, once the real Cheddar returns.
- Holt's fixation on how no one won the heist because Jake altered the belt at the end.
- The entire bit with the handmaids, topped off by Amy referring to Jake as "Ofamy."
- Jake's version of asking your girlfriend's father to marry her: yelling at him that Amy is not his property so he doesn't care if he gives permission or not. Or, perhaps more accurately, yelling this at his answering machine, since he's too scared to say it directly to him.Jake: Mr. Santiago, I'm calling to inform you that I plan to ask your daughter to marry me. But, since it's 2017, I am not asking for your permission as she is not your property nor would she be mine if she chooses to say yes. She's a strong, independent woman and she don't need no man! That being said, I truly hope she says yes, but it's her decision, so just back off!
- The flashback to Jake and Amy's first ever meeting when Charles points out how he's been shipping them since their first meeting: said first meeting was both of them was a non-descript introduction with Boyle popping in on the side to say that he "was hearing wedding bells."
- Holt can tell that Terry is lying during a poker game because his right pec flexes.Terry: Damn it, Eugene! You sold me out!
- Holt gives Jake the undercover role online gamer who lives in his mother's basement. Jake unintentionally adds 'being a virgin' to the cover and repeatedly emphasizes it to the other players on the table. Later on, Holt reveals that it was just to mess around with Jake.
- Holt goes back to full swing in his gambling addiction, even betting in children's gymnastic competitions.Holt: [yelling at his laptop] No, Jayla! Don't drop the BATONNNNNNN! ARRRGGGGHH I HAD SO MUCH RIDING ON YOU!
- Jake tries unplugging Holt's office Internet to keep him from gambling online, but pulls the wrong wire and almost electrocutes himself.
- Charles is still jealous that Sgt Peanut Butter the horse upstaged his medal presentation.Terry: Hey, my kids love that horse.Charles: You kids still don't know how to use the toilet. They're not exactly geniuses.Terry: [riled up by Charles' words]Holt: [immediately brings his hand up to stop Terry with a resigned look]
- Charles questions the purpose of police horses while looking for the kidnapped Sgt Peanut Butter.Rosa: Horses are the perfect partner. Tough, scary and they don't show you 30 pictures of their kid dressed as Wario for Halloween. [beat] I'm not talking about Nikolaj.Charles: [flatly] I literally just showed you those pictures five minutes ago.
- Terry is finding a way to make it up to Teri after their misunderstanding.Holt: Why? She is a Teri and you are a Terrence who even though is not a child, still goes by a nickname ending with a 'y'.Terry: I mean... Don't people call you Ray?Holt: How dare you?
- Hitchcock apparently has a dating profile with a picture of him with a wig, trying to pass off as Dave, aged 28.
- Kevin hears the squad's plans for Thanksgiving.Scully: Oh, Hitchcock and I haven't said ours.Kevin: [cheerfully] How unfortunate.
- Jake makes a list of things his and Amy's parents have in common to talk about during their Thanksgiving dinner.Amy: That's perfect! Ok, our dads both golf, our moms both paint, and all four of them have... Hair.Jake: Yeah but that's bottom of the barrel stuff, we're not gonna have to use that.
Amy: Jake...Jake: Hair. We all have hair.Amy: [awkwardly nods in approval] Mm.
- Their parents' conversation derails as find out that they don't have much in common.
- Jake and Amy's mothers disapprove of each other's painting mediums.Karen: It's like the whole world is my canvas.Camilla: I paint on canvas, so it's like the whole canvas is my canvas.
- Holt taking the theft of his pie so seriously to the point of interrogating Rosa, Charles and Terry and employing Hitchcock and Scully to help investigate.
- Terry confesses that he couldn't find the right toy that Ava wanted for her birthday.Terry: [distraught] I didn't want everyone to know what a terrible father I am!Holt: [coldly] Well, now we all know.
- Charles reveals that he is disappointed that Nikolaj a very picky eater and does not enjoy food like him.Charles: [tearfully] My son is a basic bitch!
Return to Skyfire
- Jake, Rosa and Terry have just entered a room hosting the "Diversity in Fantasy Writing" panel, and observed that all the panelists are middle-aged white men:Rosa: Real diverse diversity panel.
- An esteemed speaker is about to speak at the precinct and Holt wants Amy and Charles to give a good impression.Holt: If you need to cough, [staring at Charles] cough now.Charles: [lets out a long, pained cough]Holt: [deadpan yet disgusted] My god. What if I haven't said anything?
- Rosa is confused how two unattractive middle-aged men are getting so many ladies.Jake: How dare you, Rosa. Just because they don't conform to society's narrow view of attractiveness—I'm totally kidding, it's because they're rich.
- Jake tells Rosa that Terry's novel sucks and regrets asking Parlov to read it.Jake: And I'm entertained by anything! I once went to a PLAY!Rosa: So what are you gonna do about Parlov?Jake: I don't know!Terry: [walking in] Don't know what?Jake: [panicking] Uhh... How to do... sex... good... How much should I be [flaps arms] flapping my arms around?Terry: Not much.Jake: Right. Well, that settles that. I knew that Amy was wrong. [nervous laughter]
- Jake tries to cheer up Terry afterJake: Wait. Let me ask you a question. Are you a better cop now than when you started?Scully: [walking by smiling] Nope!Jake: Wasn't talking to you.
- Amy decides to start acting super chill... at McGintley's funeral.Amy: From now on, I'm gonna be super chill. So where's the party at? Trick question: the party's right here, boy!
Mrs. McGintley: (clears her throat)
Amy: (suddenly somber) Oh, hello, Mrs. McGintley. My condolences for your loss.
- Charles insists that funerals are the perfect place to find someone to date.Charles: You haven't dated anyone since you broke up with Pimento, and funerals are a meat market! Sadness is a powerful aphrodisiac.
Rosa: No, it's not.
Charles: Then how come everyone cries during sex?
- "Sir, you're the perfect candidate: smart, well-respected, you smell great. That has nothing to do with the job. It's just something I've been meaning to tell you. Is it sandalwood?"
- Basically everything "chill" Amy says:Amy: But, it's like, what is time, even? #LegalizeIt.Amy: Guys, it's cool. We just gotta roll with it! You know, travel should be like jazz.Amy: (panicked) He's gonna be up against the best of the best! The slightest slip-up could cost him the job, and— (remembering she needs to be "chill") But whatever, you know. It is what it is, Daddy-O.
- The entire sequence when Jake has Charles take a picture of Jake at locations in Nakatomi Plaza where random events and/or dialogue in Die Hard took place.Jake: (looking through the photos taken) That's a good one, that's a good one, that's a good one, that's a good one... okay, all 600 of these are great.
- This exchange:Jake: I tried everything. I begged. I pleaded. I even told them that Scully was a Make-A-Wish kid with a rare disease that makes him look like a giant old baby.
Rosa: Did you call it Scullyosis?
Jake: Dammit, Rosa, that's really good and completely useless to me right now!
- The Boyles have interesting names for their various family road trip activities.Charles: Hey, Rosa, are you ready to go streaking?
Charles: That's what my dad and I called getting blonde streaks in your hair. We used to do it do our ponytails on road trips. You just take a little lemon up top, and let the sun do the rest. We called it "giving each other road head."
- Rosa squeezing the lemon Boyle gave her in his eyes when he keeps asking her who her mystery date is.
- "Dammit! The speedometer is broken! No wonder everyone was flipping us off. And I thought it was just racism."
- After Scully uses the bathroom in the RV:Scully: You guys didn't hear that, did you?
Terry: I'm still hearing it! I'm never gonna stop hearing it!
- After Holt makes Jake pull over the RV because he smelled smoke:Jake: Well, I checked everywhere. Nothing's on fire. Nothing's even smoldering. We just wasted ten minutes for no reason.
(RV explodes and bursts into flames)
Jake: You know what, Captain, I think you're right. I do smell smoke.
Holt: You should probably cut back on those.
- The Reveal that Holt was the cause of the explosion... because he put some of Jake's cheeto's in the gas tank, in the hopes of delaying the trip. He had no idea the reaction was going to be that volatile.
- Jake asking the tow truck driver how long it would take to fix the RV (which is an incinerated wreck that's still on fire at this point).
- When Charles greets the Texas Boyle cousins:Charles: Oh, thank you so much for letting us stay here. I love you.
Steve: I love you.
Tommy: I love you.
Becca: I love you.
Charles: God, it is so nice to meet you guys!
- "If you hear what sounds like screaming, that's just cow intercourse."
- We then proceed to hear various cow screams throughout their entire stay at the Texas Boyles' stud farm.
- "When my cousin called me babe, you said relatives shouldn't do that."
- Becca keeps assuming people are talking to him when they say "Boyle."Rosa: What are you doing, Boyle?
Becca: (from downstairs) Just brushing my hair!
Rosa: Not you, Becca! I was talking to Charles.Rosa: I don't want to talk about it right now, okay? Just leave it alone, Boyle.
Becca: (still from downstairs) By all means.
Rosa: Not you, Becca!
- "Being in this bovine brothel is truly a nightmare."
- A nice beautiful view of the sunrise with pretty background is interrupted by aggressive cow moaning.
- "Just put a sock in it, man! I'm doing this because of how much I care about you, so just stay the hell out of the way!"
- The squad ends up having to change their clothes since they'd been in the same clothes for over a day... and they end up having to borrow clothes from the Boyle cousins, much to everyone's (except Charles') chagrin.
- When the cops pull the cow trailer the squad is riding in over:Jake: What?! No, why?! Just because we're eight people standing in the back of a cattle car?
Sheriff: Nah, I don't care about that.
- After Jake realizes that Holt was the one who was sabotaging this trip the whole time:Jake: Terry, would you do the honors?
- "I love you, Da— aptain. Daptain. It's the cool new way of saying Captain. It's from the world of hip hop."
- After everyone starts clapping in awe after Amy rapidly figures out a way to get everyone back to New York in 25 hours:Amy: Stop clapping, you idiots! We gotta move, move, move!
- Amy's dorky Victory Dance after they make it back to New York on time.
- Terry gives Holt his first class mint before Holt goes to the Commissioner's meeting:Holt: Your first-class mint? I know how much this means to you.
Terry: You know what really makes a trip first-class? It's not the extra leg-room, or the complimentary drinks—
Jake: Actually, Terry, we don't really have time for a speech right now.
Terry: Fine, your breath sucks. Just pop it and go!
- After Rosa tells Boyle that she's grateful that the first person she told on the squad about her being bi was him:Rosa: Also, now we go back to never talking about my love life again.
Charles: Um, request denied. Is her name Anne? Meredith? Kim? Erica? Moana?
- The "Not a Doctor" vanity plate has its ending "shhh!" sound replaced with a cow moaning.
- Charles is... not particularly great at keeping secrets.Terry: What made you decide to tell us [that you're bisexual] now?
Rosa: Charles found out on the road trip, and I was positive he was not gonna be able to keep the secret for much longer.
(cut to flashback)
Charles: Bye, Rosa! (beat) I mean, not "bi," but "bye!" I mean, see ya! I mean, have fun only having sex with men! Just bangin' dudes, left and right!
(cut to present day)
Charles: I just stopped saying "bye" altogether.
- Holt is impressed with how much more "awake" the squad is about Rosa coming out as bi than his coworkers were when he came out as gay.Holt: I must say, this is going considerably better than when I came out to my colleagues. They were not, as the kids say, "awake."
Jake: Do you mean "woke"?
Holt: I did mean "woke." But it's grammatically incoherent.
- Rosa allows for exactly 1 minute and zero seconds of questions. Terry asks why she decided to come out now, Jake asked when she realized she was bi. Then there's Scully and Hitchcock.Scully: Do you know Anne Heche?Rosa: I do.Scully: (impressed) Ohh!Rosa: We got time for one more *Hitchcock raises his hand* Nope. Time's up.Hitchcock: Smart. It was not tasteful.
- Rosa goes to Jake after coming out to everyone for reassurance:Rosa: Hey, was that weird earlier?
Jake: You mean when Charles showed us those pictures of Nikolaj taking a very sudsless bath? Yes, it was very uncomfortable.
Rosa: No, I mean when I told everyone I was bi. Was it too touchy-feely?
Jake: Rosa, no. It was great. And don't worry, just because you opened up a little bit doesn't mean everyone's gonna be less afraid of you. We're all still terrified.
Rosa: (genuinely touched) Thanks, Jake.
- Rosa says that she's worried that telling her parents that she's bisexual would ruin how much fun they've been having lately since they got closer. This being Rosa, of course, means that her idea of what's fun is a bit different from most people.Rosa: It's just, I don't know how I would say something like that. Especially to my dad. He's super traditional. I'm afraid this would just mess everything up. We've been having so much fun lately.
(cut to flashback scene of Rosa and her parents eating in silence)
(cut back to present)
Rosa: I don't wanna lose that.
- Jake gets really into his example speech of Rosa coming out to her parents.Jake: Maybe just be honest with them, alright? Tell 'em how you feel. Like, you could say, "Mom, Dad, I'm bisexual. But I'm still your daughter, I'm still the same person that I've always been. And who I love will never change that. And you guys raised me to be strong and confident, and I don't wanna hide who I am anymore. I. Am. Bi."
Rosa: Damn, that was—
Jake: (very emotionally) "And I know this may come as a shock to you, but it's my truth. So I hope you can accept that!"
Jake: "Maybe you still see me as your little girl, but I'm a woman now. And I know my own heart."
Rosa: You done?
- Poor Jake gets a dinner with Rosa's parents sprung on him with no warning.Rosa: I think I'm ready to tell my parents.
Jake: That's awesome. When are you gonna do it?
Rosa: In five minutes.
Rosa: Actually scratch that, they're here.
(Mr. and Mrs. Diaz enter the room)
Rosa: (in a low voice) This is happening and I need you to be here with me and also just step in and do it for me.
Jake: (also in a low voice) Rosa, I think that's a very bad idea. Really, I'm not very comfortable—
(Mr. and Mrs. Diaz approach the table)
Jake: (in talk show host voice) Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Diaz! America's favorite couple!
- When Mr. Diaz asks Jake why he seems nervous:Jake: Uhh— global warming. What a bitch, right? (chuckles) We all gon' drown!
- After Mrs. Diaz guesses that the dinner is because Rosa wants to tell them that she and Jake are dating:Mr. Diaz: That's why you were so nervous. 'Cause you know I never liked him.
Jake: What? Okay, first of all, that's insane. We've only met once and we totally hit it off! We talked about soccer, I called it "fútbal"— oh, I see what happened.
- "Yes, yes, babies are adorable. They're like we are, but so much smaller."
- After Jake agrees to pretend that he and Rosa are dating so that Rosa doesn't have to come out to her parents just yet:Jake: But I have one rule: hands off my butt.
Rosa: That's not gonna be a problem.
Jake: Well, you say that now, but you're about to enter the Jake Peralta boyfriend experience. It can be quite intoxicating.
Rosa: Hmm. Also, you sat on a meatball.
Jake: Did I? Oh, man, these are my Friday jeans!
- When Charles suggests taking a pork platter to Cyber Crimes so woo them into stopping hogging the Internet bandwidth:Amy: Ooh, I'll take it to them! It's all dudes down there, and I'm not above using a little flirtation to get what I want. (attempts to wink)
Terry: Was that a wink?
Amy: (seductively) You tell me.
Terry: ...I honestly don't know, but you're all we've got.
- When Amy attempts to flirt with the guys in the Cyber Crimes unit, she accidentally winks her contact out.
- Jake's fake story about how he and Rosa finally got together:Jake: Oh, you know, I've just been crazy about her forever and then one day I picked up my battered old guitar, and I sang her a song.
Mrs. Diaz: Awww! How did it go?
Rosa: Oh, you don't wanna hear it.
Mrs. Diaz: Yes, I do!
Jake: Well, I don't have my guitar here.
Mr. Diaz: Sing the song.
Jake: (singing) Rosa, Rosa, Rosa, Rosa, Rosa, Rosa, Diaz, Diaz, Diaz, Diaz, Diaz, Diaz, Rosa Diaz, Diaz Rosa, Rosa Diaz, Diaz Rosa, Diaz, you are so cool...
Rosa: ...sounds better with the guitar.
- After Rosa storms out of the dinner:Jake: (awkwardly) I'm also gonna go. Are you guys on Venmo? You know what, we'll figure it out later. This isn't the right time.
- Rosa tells Jake that her parents invited her to game night even after she told them she was bisexual:Jake: Well, I'm just glad it worked out. Enjoy game night.
Rosa: Actually, they want you to come to make up for how awkward dinner was.
Jake: Oh, fantastic. I'm still involved. Well, I'm sure your dad is a super chill guy to play against.
Rosa: (laughs) He is not.
Jake: Well then, let's hope I'm on his team.
Rosa: That is worse.
Jake: Cool. So, no good options. Super stoked about this invite.
- After Terry asks Gina how they can thank her for getting Cyber Crimes to restore their Internet:Gina: I'll tell you how. Use this precious Internet. Use it everyday. Keep multiple tabs open, stream videos in HD, leave comments on everything you can find. Most importantly, make your avatars GIFs.
- Gina's exit from the 99:Gina: And so, this is Gina Linetti's last grand exit from the Nine-Nine.
Loudspeakers: (playing song) I will remember you...
Holt: Where's that coming from?
Terry: She's gone.
Amy: Do you think that's the last time we'll ever see her?
Gina: (attempts to walk while bent over to avoid detection through the bullpen gate)
Amy: Bye, Gina!
- Gina has... interesting idols.Gina: It just feels like it's time for me to, like, build something of my own. Like my entrepreneurial idols, Oprah Winfrey, Lex Luthor—
Charles: The Superman villain?
Gina: He built an empire, didn't he?
- The entire scene where Rosa draws the card "Wedding" for Pictionary and thus decides, in an act of anger at how her parents dismissed her bisexuality as a phase, to draw a wedding between two women, resulting in her mom guessing basically anything other than a wedding. It's classic Cringe Comedy with an undercurrent of sadness.Mrs. Diaz: Hmm, two women. Holding hands. Um, friends! (Rosa draws a heart between the women) Sisters! (Rosa draws more hearts) Business partners! Oh, ooh, ooh, ooh, co-owners of a chocolate shop! Oh, love, love... what do women love? George Clooney!
- When Rosa notices that her dad is in the precinct:Rosa: That's weird, my dad's here. Hey, do you mind staying with me to talk to him?
Jake: (reluctantly) Um, yes, of course. Whatever you need.
Rosa: Haha, your face. No, man, you've done enough. Get out of here.
Jake: Thank God.
- When Jake and the rest of the squad come over to Rosa's apartment to have their own family game night:Rosa: Hey, thanks for doing this, man.
Jake: Of course, we'll be here every week.
Scully: Rosa, I broke both your wine glasses and your fridge door and your bathroom.
Jake: Every single week!
- Jake discusses how he used a loophole to have all-you-can-eat pancakes for a week at Pancake Palace by staying there for a week.Scully: What?! Thanks for the invite, FRIEND.Scully: [outraged] Oh, you think you know someone, JAKE. UNBELIEVABLE!
- Amy tries to convince Rosa to join her in getting the permit for the block party.Amy: [excitedly] They have the original permits for the 1938 World's Fair.Rosa: [in disbelief] No!Amy: [excitedly] YES!Rosa: No!Amy: [excitedly] YES!Rosa: No, I mean 'no, I don't wanna do this'.
- Jake and Charles are undercover to get closer to Seamus Murphy's brother, Kyle.Charles: No, you're not being crazy, Kyle.Jake: [glares shockingly at Charles]Kyle: [suspicious] How do you know my name?Jake: Because... we're... connected?Kyle: Oh ho ho ho ho YES!
- Amy goes on a long spiel about bureaucracy, saying how filling out forms is like doing a puzzle that, once solved, is like seeing the face of God. The old woman behind her in line outright calls her a nerd.
- Amy and Rosa finally discover a way to file a permit for the block party by using an archaic city form for "shaming loose women" and can only be filed by a man.Amy: It's a huge bummer. But also-Hitchcock: [arrives] Hi there. I need to humiliate some hussies and I'm in a hurry.Clerk: [dumbfounded expression]
- Holt, Jake and Charles are wiretapping Kyle in his car and hear is horrible rapping.Holt: I wish he would turn the radio down.Jake: You think that's the radio? That sounds like professional music to you?Holt: All music after Mahler sounds exactly like that.
- Jake's puns based on Kevin's name in the briefing.
- Holt's incredibly strict rules for behavior in the safe house, as well as his simultaneously deadpan and over the top reactions to Jake's complaints.Holt: (while crawling on the ground) You're right, it's extreme of me to try to prevent my husband from being shot in the face. I'm overdoing it. Kevin, come in here, take your bullet.Holt: (after Jake sticks his hand outside the standing area) Your hand can be seen from the living room window. You just killed Kevin.
Holt: I can't hear you, Kevin, you're dead. (to Jake) He bled on your lap. How will you break the news to me? Let's see.
Jake: We don't have to do this.
Holt: Ah, Detective Peralta, how are things going with Kevin, the love of my life? Wait, why are you here at this late hour? And whose blood is that?
Jake: Okay, I get it.
Holt: It's Kevin's? This is devastating. I'm inconsolable. And... I've killed myself.
Jake: Cool, well, I can see this is gonna be a fun couple of months.
- Without internet, Jake resorts to bringing a bunch of Nicolas Cage movies on DVD. Kevin is vehemently opposed, but breaks down by the ninth week and watches all of them. He is subsequently deeply ashamed that he now recognizes some of Jake's quotes.
- Holt and Kevin's disagreement, a vicious argument consisting of one sentence so mild Jake didn't even realize it was an argument until Holt said so.Holt: No library. Seamus's men should be lurking in the stacks.Kevin: I find that unlikely.Holt: I understand, but I disagree.Kevin: Well, then. We are in disagreement. You'll have to excuse me. [crawls away]Holt: (to Jake) I'm sorry you had to witness such a vicious fight.Jake: Oh... was that a fight?Holt: Are you kidding? He said "you'll have to excuse me" instead of "please excuse me." Might have well have spit in my face.
- Rosa has to go undercover at a hairdresser to try and get info about Seamus from his girlfriend by gossiping with her. We repeat: Rosa has to gossip. In a Joisey accent to boot! And then things keep escalating when her appointment ends before she gets what she needs, resulting in her getting more and more outlandish additions to her hairstyle so she can keep talking. The scenes must be seen in order to properly appreciate Rosa's put-on accent and persona and also the pain in her voice when she has to ask for more and more ridiculous additions to her hairstyle.
- Jake's attempts to go over self defense with Kevin, resulting in him getting punched in the throat. Then when he tries to get Kevin to add "dirtbag" to his polite and medically informative one-liner, Kevin argues against it because a dirtbag is an important part of a vacuum.
- It becomes a Brick Joke when Holt agrees that a dirtbag is too useful to be an insult.
- Kevin and Jake's disguises as weird perverts.
- Holt's incredibly formal texts, which read more like short letters.
- Some of Jake's reactions can't be suppressed even by mortal peril.Seamus: Let's kill 'em both, get out of here before the cops show up.
Jake: Wait, no no no no, I was lying about the backup, I came alone, title of my sex tape!
- Kevin's sheer rage at the end of the episode when he finds out Jake had Nicolas Cage movies he would have actually liked but only provided him with the brainless action flicks.Kevin: It was a movie about a mandolin, and you kept it from me for two. months.
- One of the hostages is not enthused to be in this situation.Hostage: I'm sorry, officer, are you friends with this criminal?Jake: No, not really.Judy: Absolutely. Best friends!Jake: It's a layered relationship, Pam.Judy: [mouthing] Best friends!Hostage: [disgusted expression]
- Dennis the negotiator doesn't believe what Jake tells him about the hostage situation.Dennis: That's all negotiating is. Two liars, lying to each other until one liar gets too close to the window and gets shot in the head.
- Jake, the hostage negotiator, pretends to be caught hostage by Doug Judy.Jake: [screaming] That was SO MUCH FUN! Oh man, you sounded really scary!Judy: No, no, it was all you! The tremble in your voice sold it. [high pitched imitation] Just do whatever he wants!Jake: I just made that up! I was so in the moment!Judy: But seriously, you are a great hostage.Jake: Aww thanks Judy. You are a great hostage taker.
- Cue elaborate handshake.
- Charles suddenly becomes overbearing when Amy and Gina help out at his food truck.Charles: You know what, why don't we try this: Why don't you just take the knife and put it to my throat and FINISH THE JOB!Amy: [confused]Charles: Do I look like Jake to you?!Amy: Wha-Charles: DO I LOOK LIKE JAKE TO YOU?!Amy: No! Not at all!Charles: Then why are you trying to screw me?!
- When Jake is "held hostage" by Doug Judy, Rosa comes in as a "negotiator." As it turns out, Judy is still a bit enamored with her.Judy: [singing] Rosa, Rosa, Rrrrooosa! Are you finally single?Rosa: No.Judy: [still singing] I respect that.
- Jake and Judy keep putting aside their plan to sing "What's Up" at a karaoke.
- Terry and Holt are caught staring at the inspector and Hitchcock.Terry: They're looking at us. Act natural.Holt: [pointing at a file] Spreadsheet, spreadsheet.Terry: Crime, crime.Holt: [places hand on Terry's shoulder] Precinct, precinct.
- Holt informs Jake that he will be punished if he doesn't get the diamonds back from Judy.Jake: Can they wait 12 months? I usually run into him about once a year.
- At the start, Jake makes sure the suspect will be as uncomfortable as possible. He spills soda on the table so it'll be sticky, makes the chair legs uneven so it'll be off-balance, cranks up the thermostat... and makes sure the suspect will talk to Gina on the way in.Holt: What'd you have her do?
Jake: Be herself.
Holt: Poor son of a bitch.
- Holt decides to stay for the interrogation and calls his husband while Jake is talking in the foreground.Holt: Kevin. I won't be joining you at the opera. The tickets are under my name. H-O-L-
- Jake gets some time alone with Davidson after he was playing dumb with Holt.
- Jake and Holt ask Davidson increasingly specific questions.Philip: Amy Adams.Holt: Who's that?Philip: Famous actress.Holt: [looks at Jake for verification, Jake nods]
- Desperate and running out of ideas, Jake retries an old method to try and break Davidson.Jake: (holding a guitar) Two, three, four! (starts shredding it, and screams obnoxiously)
- Jake and Holt attempt to press a Berserk Button for Philip by claiming dentists are not 'real' doctors. It backfires. Full scene can be viewed here.Philip: It's not like we're college professors calling ourselves "doctors."Holt: Not the same thing, my friend.Philip: Well, sure it is. When someone has a heart attack on a plane, do they yell out, "Yo, does anybody here have an Art History PhD?"Holt: A PhD is a doctorate. It's literally describing a doctor.Jake: Maybe let's refocus.Holt: [Increasingly livid] No! The problem here is that medical practitioners have co-opted the word "doctor."Jake: Okay, Captain -Holt: I know we live in a world where aaaaaanyything can mean anything, AND NOBODY EVEN CARES ABOUT ETYMOLO -[smashcut to Holt and Jake back in the break room]Holt: Apparently that's a trigger for me.
- Jake is so worked up that he throws a chair at the glass, only for it to bounce back and hit him.
- At the end, Holt tries to compare the Jake and the perp, noting they're Not So Different in a flaw.Holt: He had to know I knew how smart he was. Sounds like someone else I know.Jake: Yeah...Kevin.Holt: *snorts before actually laughing at the quip*
The Puzzle Master
- When Jake offers to open the letter on the sergeant exam results, Amy stops him by twisting his arm.Jake: [whispering] Do it harder!
- Gina has done some sleuthing on Holt's rivals for his commissioner selection.Gina: You want me to spill the beans?Holt: Why would you ever intentionally spill beans? They're one of nature's most densely packed protein sources and they remain unsullied by flavor.
- Holt meets his competition.Holt: I just wanted to say what an honour it is to be up for the same job as a man with your... experience.John: Thank you.Holt: [to Gina] I paused suggestively before I said "experience" so he would know it wasn't really a compliment.
- Rosa, Hitchcock and Scully are in awe of the new detective car.Scully: Who cares! It's got 2 burrito holders!Rosa: Those are cup holders, Scully.Scully: Oh yeah? Then what am I supposed to use my thighs for, genius?
- Jake has to solve an anagram puzzle to enter the puzzle event with Amy.Bouncer: Unscramble the letters in this phrase to reveal the name of a film based on a classic novel. 'Sad anus loser, I go in'.Jake: You know, I feel like these puzzles are actually very pointed.
Jake: Hah hah, who's the anus loser now? [accidentally steps into the toilet bowl] It's still me.
- Smash Cut to Jake climbing through the window of a toilet cubicle to get in.
- Terry draws lots and gets the new detective car, but everyone suspects that he played foul.Hitchcock: He filled it full of fake people! Who the hell is Norm?!Rosa: Scully's first name.Hitchcock: It is?Scully: [nods sadly]
- Hitchcock and Scully prove that Terry cheats by looking at surveillance footage during the drawing when his butt clenches.
- Jake setting up an elaborate Rube Goldberg Machine to capture a pigeon in the office which fails when it flew straight into a fan.
- Amy shows up in full uniform on her first day as sergeant.Amy: My first order as sergeant: Tell me I look dope.Terry: You look dope!Holt: You won't be abusing your power like this with the officers downstairs, will you?
- Charles is a little too obsessed with Jake and Amy's relationship.Jake: I figured out how to get our money back.Charles: I knew you'd save our honeymoon!Jake: [beat] My honeymoon.
Jake: It's for our honeymoon.Charles: [gasps] You said OUR!
- Jake comes up with a plan to infiltrate Nutriboom's headquarters.
- On Amy's first day as sergeant, she discovers she has an "Amy," an overeager recruit with a million ideas. She spends the entire episode trying to avoid him.Amy: Terry, how did you handle your Amy?
Terry: I never had to. You were always a pleasure.
Amy: Cut the crap, I'm drowning here!
Rosa: Well, you can always wait for Gary to find his Jake and then eventually over time, they'll each become 10% easier to deal with.Amy: Gary will never find love. He is unlovable.Rosa: [shocked glare]
- Amy asks Terry, Gina and Rosa for help.
- Charles (disguised as Bill) gives one of the Nutriboom employees Bill's signature neck massages to allow Jake to escape with top secret files.Jake: I got the files! I told you it would work! Wait, what's wrong?Charles: [Thousand-Yard Stare] They formed a line, Jake. They formed a line.
- In the Cold Open, Jake makes the lineup of perps sing The Backstreet Boys I Want It That Way.Victim: It was Number Five. Number Five killed my brother.Jake: Oh my God, I forgot about that part.
- Terry gets offended when Charles thinks he can't do yoga.Charles: You don't have to get defensive just because you don't have the bone strength of a yogi. We all have our thing. You're a muscle, I'm a boner.
- The disturbing conversations about Amy's pen-pal as a child, Mongkut (made even funnier because of the extremely nonchalant way Amy talks about it):Amy: I freaked out when I met my pen pal from Thailand, Mongkut.Jake: But everything worked out, right? You and Mongkut are lifelong friends now?Amy: No, Mongkut turned out to be a 45-year-old prisoner. It was a really awkward trip.Jake: That sounds horrible. Amy, what if this is a Mongkut situation?Amy: Oh no, that pen pal service is shut down.
Jake: This is not on us. I mean, it was crazy for her to think moving to New York was a good idea, right?Amy: Yes, it was unrealistic. Just like Mongkut thinking a ten-year-old American girl would pay his bail and help him seek vengeance on his brother.Jake: You know, when I'm not distracted by this, I'd really love to hear the full Mongkut story.Amy: [casually] It gets dark.
- Later in the episode:
- Jake and his sister recount the times when their dad sent his co-pilot Steve to hang out with them.Jake: I remember Steve! He taught me how to shave!Kate: He taught me how to shave!Amy: [disgusted and concerned expression] Where?!
- Scully brings Terry to his secret nap room.Scully: [suddenly fierce] You tell anyone about this place, and I'll burn your life to the ground! [back to normal] Oh, and there's a spray if you fart!
- Gina has been recording Holt and collecting voice clips for a soundboard, a power which she abuses.Recorded!Holt: Hey, Diaz, enjoy having sexual fun with Linetti's lesbian friend. Get. Some. Get. Some. Get. Some.
- Scully accidentally gives away the location of his secret nap room when Holt and Charles are trying to find Terry.Scully: I can take you there but you need to wear blindfolds.Holt & Charles: No.Scully: Okay... I guess he'll just die in supply closet F then.Charles: He's in supply closet F!Holt: Great work.Scully: I'm sorry. I feel so stupid!Hitchcock: It's okay, they tricked you somehow. I still love you, buddy. [tender hug]
Gray Star Mutual
- When Pimento shows up as an insurance investigator, they ask him why he isn't in Alaska. He explains that he killed a protected buffalo (in self-defense) and got in trouble with Fish and Game, and this led to him geting into a fight with a bear.Pimento: The trick on that? Headbutt him in the penis, push him over a cliff.
Jake: Ahh. I bet that works with a lot of animals.
Pimento: Only the male ones. Learned that the hard way.
- After an intense staredown to convince Pimento that Charles didn't burn down his own truck, he agrees to help them find out who did. Jake and Charles are both freaked out, both expressing relief that Pimento didn't headbutt them in their penises.
- Holt reads an all-caps tweet by yelling, to the surprise of Terry and Gina (the look of innocence on Holt's face after the latter cringe is priceless).
- Charles feels like the only way out of his food truck predicament is to keep on trucking.Charles: I'm in so much debt. I took up a loan for the truck, I got Amy to invest! No, the only way out of this hole is to keep digging.Jake: That's not how holes work. Title of your sex tape.
- Jake and Charles are talking to Pimento about the events that happened since he left, but the one thing he finds the most surprising is Dr Ronald Yee's visit to the precinct.
Jake: Oh. That's not legal.
- Pimento also talks about how the company lets him do literally anything he wants to get his job done, he mentions waterboarding someone a week before running into Jake and Charles.
Pimento: Doesn't matter, I'm not a cop.
- Holt struggles to gain a social media presence for his commissioner campaign.Holt: It's @5261796d6f6e64f. It spells "Raymond Holt" in hexadecimal code. It's clever, right?
Gina: Twitter think's you're a bot.Holt: [shouting] Why? I'm a human! I'm a human male!
- Holt's account gets deactivated after tweeting his first tweet as his account looks too shady.
- Hitchcock and Scully tell Amy the exact wedding dress she's wearing.Rosa: How do you know so much about wedding dresses?Hitchcock: They're the only thing we can look at around here, with [Suddenly SHOUTING!] SAFE SEARCH ON!
- Holt loosens up as "Raymond with a kangol hat" for Jake's bachelor party.Holt: WHOOP WHOOP!Jake: [whispering in joy] Yes. Whoop whoop, Raymond in a kangol. Let's go!
- Hitchcock and Scully join Amy's bacherlorette party due to a lost bet with Jake.Hitchcock: We brought you a little gift. I had to guess on cup size.Rosa: [takes the gift] Just gonna burn that for you.Amy: [disgusted] Thank you.
- Holt tries out the "title of your sex tape" joke.Charles: Why don't we take this map and this sextant and chart a course to the restaurant!Holt: Title of your sextant tape.Jake: Ah, did not work at all but I love that you attempted it: Title of your sextant tape!
- Actually, ALL of horndog Holt.Holt: [complete deadpan] Well, Terry, if you'd like I can share a lewd story. Kevin got me quite horny this morning.Holt: Huh, I wonder if one of them is... Six nine.Holt: Don't worry about me. I've seen enough of these hare-brained schemes that I can play along. When Charles asks "What's wrong?" I'll just put on a coy smile and say [Suddenly high pitched] Nothing...
- Charles' email password is Diane Wiest.
Show Me Going
- In the Cold Open, Holt walks into work with a bright red bowler hat, causing the entire office to stare at him in Stunned Silence. Gina's subtle reaction is a riot!Holt: [frustrated] Fine, I was trying something and it didn't work!
- Side note: I Was Trying Something and It Didn't Work, title of your sex tape.
- Holt informs the squad that they are told to stay put in light of the active shooting situation in Brooklyn Heights.Jake: Yeah, but that's just a suggestion, like how they tell you to drink 8 cups of water every month.Terry: A day.Jake: Sarge, come on, this is not the time for jokes.
- Amy tries to search for videos on how to fix toilets but all she finds is porn.
- Hitchcock and Scully get into a fight to distract Holt, but it quickly devolves into them lying on the floor taking turns to punch each other in the crotch.Charles: Oh my God, they're in a penis punch 69!
- The Holt soundboard app makes a return as part of Jake's plan to gear up to help Rosa. However Charles inadvertently makes Holt angrily decline visiting his goddaughter.Will: I'm sorry, I thought you wanted to meet baby Carol. Her surgery was such a success!Soundboard Holt: Screw. That. Screw. That. Get. Some. Good. Bye.
- The Cold Open has Hitchcock angrily complain about facing prejudice in a coffee shop as a cop, unaware of the true reason.Jake: [trying not to look] Hey Hitchcock, your penis is hanging out.Hitchcock: [looking down] Oh, that's a relief.
- Hitchcock's ridiculously tall toupee in the flashback.
- Holt and Crawford need to hurry to get back their withdrawal letters.Crawford: Are you too old to run?
- Amy and Rosa reconcile after Amy hurts herself to chase down Sergio.Amy: You're not mad at me anymore?Rosa: No. You're about to be really mad at me.Amy: For what?Rosa: Cause I'm about to reset your knee. [mimes a bunny with her fingers] Look at the bunny! [forces Amy's knee back in place]Amy: [horrific scream]
- Terry gives Jake a pep talk.Jake: This was a test. These tasks were a way to prove I was going to be a good husband and I failed!Terry: Jake, being a good husband doesn't mean you have to pass some test or do everything right. Do you have any idea how often I mess things up?Jake: [relieved] Oh, so you are a bad husband too.Terry: No, definitely not! You're cutting in too soon before the point!
Jake: You're right. Thanks, Terry. [picks up a nearby rock and smashes Terry's car's window]Terry: WHAT THE HELL?! MY VAN! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!Jake: Whatever it takes to make Amy happy! You told em to do this, now let's get these gift bags to the menu! [throws another rock, smashing yet another window]Terry: OH MY GOD! WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!
- After the pep talk:
Jake & Amy
- Jake anticipated that Amy might get nervous enough for a shame cigarette and came prepeared by stuffing his jacket pocked tull of nicotene patches. Amy grabs one and sticks it on her face with zero hesitation.Amy: I want it as close to my brain as possible.
- Later, he sees that Amy is rather calm, given that their wedding plans are falling to pieces, and she turns around and lifts the back of her shirt to reveal that she has plastered about a dozen nicotene patches all over her lower back.
- After Boyle throws together a wedding in under thirty minutes.
- Captain Holt reads the email that will tell him whether or not he got the Job as Comissioner.