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- Amy makes a mistake with slang.Amy: This B needs a C in her A!
Jake: Oh my God!
Amy: (confused) This babe needs a coconut in her arms...
Jake: Oh, I thought you said "This *bleep* needs a *bleep* in her *bleep*.
- Charles sends Jake and Amy a box full of nightmarish sex stuff as a honeymoon present.Jake: (creeped out, to the waiter) Thank you, we will never open it.
- The box's contents are later used to restrain Holt so that he can't return to New York to quit.Amy: Is there anything in Charles's Box of Nightmares that can be used to tie up Holt?
Jake: (briefly scans the contents) Yes, literally everything in here could be used to tie up a person.
- Holt manages to slip out of the restraints by using the lube inside the box. Unfortunately, it got everywhere, so he had to take a bath and change clothes.
- The box's contents are later used to restrain Holt so that he can't return to New York to quit.
- Holt's funny t-shirts throughout the episode:
- "What's up, Beaches?"Holt: [...] instead of "bitches", for humor reasons.
Amy: But you hate humor!
- "DTF: Down to Fiesta"
- "1 [shot of] Tequila / 2 [shots of] Tequila / 3 [shots of] Tequila / FLOOR!!!"
- A pineapple wearing a thong bikini and having the caption "Slut" underneath it.Jake: Your new shirt is very aggressive and confusing. Is the pineapple the slut or is it calling someone else a slut?
Holt: (completely serious) Clearly the pineapple is the slut.
(a little later)
Jake: Just out of curiosity and asking for a friend, where did you get this shirt and how much did it cost?
- "What's up, Beaches?"
- When Terry needs to access Holt's files on the cloud, he needs to answer a few security questions to get the password. The first question is "What is God?"
Hitchcock & Scully
- Jake and Charles figuring out who was sexier, young Hitchcock or Young Scully. They both agree that it was Hitchcock, calling him a "total smokeshow" but also agree that it's pretty close.
- The scene where Jake and Charles interrogate Hitchcock and Scully.Scully: It's just, I don't think you get what's happening here. You're locked in a small, wondowless room with the two of us, one hour after lunch.
Jake: Oh no.
Scully: Do you wanna know what we ate? Four cheese pizza, double cheese with a side of cheesey fries, extra cheese, and a big ol' slice of cheesecake.
Jake: [with dawning horror] But Scully... you're lactose intolerant.
Scully: Yeah. This whole room is a f***ing Dutch Oven.
- Jake and Charles are forced to steal Hitchcock's "pervert van," leading to them driving around, desperately wishing they'd just gotten a Lyft, and shouting out the windows that this van is not theirs.Jake: WE RESPECT WOMEN!
Charles: I'M STILL WITH HER!
- Gina advises Holt to liven up his planned address by adopting mannerisms that he describes as looking "like a crazy person." Later, Gina ends up doing Holt's televised address for him and he turns out to be very right.Gina: [wide-eyed and gesturing wildly] The real question is, what are police?
Interviewer: I'm sorry, who are you again?
- The Reveal of how Hitchcock and Scully went from incredibly competent, driven, handsome and athletic detectives to the Hitchcock and Scully what we know. After getting a C.I. who was screwed out of Witness Protection a job at Wing Slutz, they go to visit her before they go to the gym (for the second time that day). She offers them some free wings and they accept because "One wing can't hurt." Hitchcock and Scully have their first Wing Slutz wings, and they are changed forever into the Hitchcock and Scully we now know.
- When Jake was in High School, he was in a Ska band called "Ska-lvestyr Ska-lone." According to Jake, they were terrible and only had one song: Stop or my Mom Will Ska.
- When Amy suggests that they find out who the Real Tattler was to clear Jake's name.Jake: Yes! Why learn to grow, when you can fix the past?! This is exactly why I don't need therapy.
Amy: Not sure that's the lesson I want you to take away from this.
Jake: Too late! We're gonna prove I wasn't the Tattler, therapy is a scam, let's do this!
- Amy gets really excited when she finds Jake's old file.Amy: I just want a quick peek at your attendance record. Zero absences. Oh, mama. Printing this for later.
Jake: Keep it in your pants, Santiago.
Amy: Oh, that's exactly where it's going.
- Holt becomes invested in Terry, Hitchcock and Scully's sound guessing game.Radio Announcer: Alright Brenda from Yonkers, it's time for you to name that sound!
Brenda: Hi! Quick shout out to the nurses at United Pediatrics! This money will do the kids a lot of good!
Holt: Cry me a river, Brenda from Yonkers. We've all had budget cuts.
- Turns out Hitchcock and Scully were right about the sound.Terry: Wow! So, the lesson here is to listen to Hitchcock and Scully more?
Scully: No, that can't be possible.
Hitchcock: Yeah, I don't think we've earned that, today.
- Gina's story to her former classmates about being a Marvel Studios creative.Gina: (weaseling her way out of a conversation) This is them, this is Marvel. They probably wanna talk about Thor 4: More Thor.
- Becomes even funnier in hindsight, as Marvel would eventually announce a fourth Thor film, which would involve two characters wielding the power of Thor. Literally "More Thor".
- In the cold open, "Gina" enters the room by doing an impressive series of handsprings and flips before disappearing behind the whiteboard, where the Real Gina is waiting to swap out with her obvious double.
- After Gina announces that she will be doing a dance containing Four Movements to celebrate her leaving the Nine-Nine, she goes a roughly minute-long series of moves. Jake asks if that was one of the movements, and she scoffs and tells him that it was just the warm-up and that each movement is about forty-five minutes long.
- After Jake gets beat-up by security for trying to get into the VIP section at a club to talk to Mario Lopez, Gina denies him entrance to her party, telling Jake that she doesn't need celebrities or fancy venues, just her friends. Then she also mentions that she's always wanted to turn away a celebrity from her party.
A Tale of Two Bandits
- Jake and Terry find out Doug Judy died, and go to his funeral.Jake: Wow, I don't know how to deal with all these emotions, Terry. No one I've been close with has ever died before. No tragic accidents to friends. All my grandparents are alive.
Terry: How did you deal when Hodor died?
Jake: Not well, Terry. Why would you bring that up?
- Doug Judy told his family that Jake was a reformed criminal that he had helped. Jake is willing to go along with it, but becomes increasingly uncomfortable.Jake: He rescued him from a life on the streets. Yeah, I was down on my luck, not a penny to my name.
Trudy: You were selling your body for money.
Jake: Did Doug tell you that?
Trudy: He said all your teeth fell out, and your mouth was just a rotten hole.
Jake: One hundred percent accurate.
Trudy: Plus you were sick from those back-alley butt implants.
Jake: Had to have 'em.
Trudy: Carl thought a plumper rump would help him get his [bleep] every night.
Jake: Yeah, I remember having that thought.
Trudy: But the doctor just put a bunch of mulch up there, and it got all infected.
Jake: Dark days.
Trudy: [sobs] I'm sorry. It's just so sweet.
Terry: The mulch thing?
Trudy: No, how Doug saved him.
- Trudy guilts Jake into singing, even though Jake as he points out has nothing prepared. Jake improvises a song, and does well . . . until he sees an appreciative Doug Judy pop up from behind a plant with a giant grin, and his voice cracks.
- The cops are horrified to find their favorite bar full of firefighters.Amy: Hey, what's going on? Why is the FDNY in our cop bar?
Rob: We needed a new place, since our bar, O'Brien's, burned down.
Rosa: You couldn't put that out?
Amy: They probably started it. Most arsonists turn out to be firefighters.
Rob: That's not true, though it is very common, and definitely what happened in this case.
- Jake is very annoyed to discover Doug Judy is still alive.Jake: You tricked me. Now give me a hug. I'm so happy you're alive. I'll never forgive you. You're my best friend. Whoo, I just went through a lot of emotions real fast, but I think I'm back to normal now. Should we get lunch?
Doug: I would love a cheesesteak.
Jake: I was thinking the exact same thing, probably 'cause—
Both: The coffin looks like a hoagie roll.
- Checking in at the bar, the cops are having trouble.Rosa: Amy, where you at?
Amy: Four drinks.
Rosa: What's four-drink Amy again?
Amy: Why don't you come over here and find out?
Rosa: Right, Horny Amy. It feels like you should retire that one for the MeToo era.
Amy: Why don't you come over here and make me?
- When Holt returns, Hitchcock explains how everyone else has slowly spiraled into drunken insanity.Holt: My God. Hitchcock, are you the only person still making sense?
Hitchcock: Yeah. It's bad.
The Crime Scene
- Rosa's hair throughout the episode. She lets her new girlfriend practice on her hair, so every time there's a scene change she's sporting a new, sometimes ridiculous, hairstyle. Examples include: Rapunzel Hair, a sort-of mohawk, Girlish Pigtails, and her usual coif with tufts dyed pink and purple.
- Jake and Rosa show the crime scene to the delivery guy who delivered food to the apartment at around the time the killing took place...who proceeds to Freak Out! at the amount of blood everywhere.Delivery Guy: AHHHHHHH! Why would you show this to me?! Oh, I'm too high to see this! There's blood on the fish! On the fish!
(Cut to Delivery Guy breathing into a bag)
Jake: (Sighs) I always forget how weirdly numb to horrific things we are. You think it affects our souls and the relationships we build with others?
Rosa: For sure.
- Jake's Sanity Slippage as the case drags on for weeks and months. He eventually starts to believe that the room is a living, sentient being. At one point mentions that over the course of about fifty days, that he's spent over six hundred hours in the room.
- Even after he loses the case to Major Crimes, he ends up slipping even further, recreating the crime scene in the Precinct.
- Jake attempts to recreate the crime scene in his own apartment while Amy is sleeping. He wakes her up while standing over her holding a kitchen knife. She punches him in the jaw.
- The CSI tech is also there, even he thinks that this is weird.
- The Cold Open, where Jake, Rosa, and Holt all drink a ridiculous amount of cold-brewed coffee. They start to perceive the world as moving in slow motion and start giving rapid-fire "yep"s in response to a question.
- The "flirting" that Gordon attempts on Holt. He wears a single-windsor tie knot and invites Holt to a barrel museum. Given that this is Holt, it works perfectly.Holt: I've... glanced at his work satchel. I may be married, but I'm still a man.
- Jake needs Holt to buy him three hours to clone Gordon's Hard drive and asks Holt if he can talk about barrels for three hours. Holt talks about one barrel for almost three hours, and then spends the rest of the time talking about another, extremely similar barrel.
- Both Gordon and Holt describe the museum as a very "erotically-charged" environment.
- The final stage of Amy's strict cleanup campaign is to put all the junk on a boat, push it out to sea, and light it on fire with an arrow. Just as Amy is saying that's obviously not an option since none of them are archers, Rosa says she is, and she has four bows in her car. Cut to everyone watching as Rosa shoots a fire arrow at bags of trash.
- At the end of the episode, Jake takes Amy to the Barrel Museum and starts giving her the same lecture about a barrel that Holt gave to Gordon. Amy is extremely turned on by hearing Jake talk at length about a brine barrel.
He Said, She Said
- At the beginning, Hitchcock tries to get in on the sexual assault case with Jake. Holt sends him home for a few days instead.
- Jake and the victim bond over DuckTales; her dream is to make enough money to have a pool of gold coins.
- The victim gives her side of the story.Keri: So I grabbed his stupid golf club and I hit him in the Cookie Monster, which is what he calls his penis, by the way.
Jake: He's the worst.
Keri: My only regret is that I didn't get in two extra whacks for each of his testicles.
Jake: What does he call those? Bert and Ernie?
Keri: You are actually correct.
Jake: Ugh, I hate that I got that right.
- While the sexual assault plot is mostly depressing, Jake spends the entire episode trying to be helpful despite knowing he is way out of his depth.[Amy and Rosa argue about the case]
Jake: I feel like maybe I shouldn't be here.
[Amy and Rosa continue arguing about the case]
Jake: Or should I be here because men should be part of the conversation?
[Amy and Rosa's argument gets heated]
Jake: I've landed on active listening. I will no longer be chiming in.
- Every time Holt starts talking about the Disco Strangler, Terry and Boyle finish his sentences because he tells the stories all the time.Holt: I said throats, not necks. Which means that I haven't told that story too many times.
- Holt's epic confrontation with the Disco Strangler falls apart when it turns out Ernest is half-deaf and can't hear what Holt is saying.Ernest: Is that Raymond Holt I see? You haven't changed a bit.
Holt: Neither have you, Ernest.
Holt: [louder]] Neither have you, Ernest.
Holt: NEITHER HAVE YOU, ERNEST!
Terry: Ugh, this is hard to watch.
Holt: You're just as devious as ever. You seduced the van driver, didn't you?
Ernest: No, I seduced the van driver. She couldn't resist my groovy voodoo.
Holt: And the yo-yo string was a message.
Ernest: The what was a what?
Holt: The yo-yo string was—
Charles: Captain, this is embarrassing. Can we just take him in?
Holt: Yeah, you're right. This isn't what I hoped for. Go ahead and cuff him, gently.
Ernest: This isn't the last you'll hear from me, Raymond. I'm never gonna die.
Holt: Sure you won't. Whatever makes you feel better.
Ernest: No, you're the punk!
Holt: Just put him in the car.
The Golden Child
- In the Cold Open, Captain Holt gives Jake an "unpleasant" Hitchcock-related assignment: He has to keep Hitchcock from spilling any food on himself all day.Jake: So you want me to keep Hitchcock from spilling on himself for the rest of the day?! We both know that's impossible!
Holt: I'm counting on you.
Jake: I won't do it!
Holt: There's nobody else I trust!
Jake: What you're asking is insane!
Holt: I'm not asking!
Jake: It's a Suicide Mission!
Holt: Then prepare for death!
Jake: YOU'VE LOST YOUR MIND!
Holt: THIS IS A DIRECT ORDER, DETECTIVE! GET IN LINE!
Rosa: Hey! You guys startled Hitchcock. He spilled two full jars of spaghetti sauce on himself.
Hitchcock: (covered in spaghetti sauce) Thanks a lot, fellas!
- Amy's utter joy over her brother David being arrested for cocaine possession, to the point of taking a selfie with Jake outside the station.
- While giving David a "The Reason You Suck" Speech at a nightclub, Amy starts dancing in an attempt to one-up him at something. Jake tries to tell her thats not a good idea, but when David starts dancing - and proves to be even worse than his sister - Jake whispers to himself that Amy might actually have a shot at winning.
- When Jake tells Boyle to let Gintars meet with Nikolaj on the condition that he's not to reveal his true identity to the boy, Boyle adamantly refuses on the basis that a father and son share an olfactory bond. Jake dismisses it as more of Boyle's weirdness.
- Jake starts to suspect that the Therapist is guilty because he knew where the Bathroom was in the victim's apartment, suggesting that he had been there before. Jake finds this suspicious becuase...Jake: This is New York! It's never obvious where the bathroom is. I once had an apartment where the toilet was literally in the refirgerator.
- The actress Rosa hired to play Jocelyn has a less-than-legal side-hustle:Sheena: Do you want to buy some Molly?Rosa: Im a cop.Sheena: And scene. I am no longer acting. And I am leaving.
- After Jake kicks Charles out of his and Amy's ad-hoc anniversary dinner.Charles: Fine! Enjoy your weird anniversary with just the couple!
- The Cold Open, where Holt devises a Cool and Unusual Punishment for Jake because he was late for work. He created an elaborate and personal high five for everyone in the precinct. Even the guy who installed the new copier.Jake: But you hate high-fives!
Holt: Yes, every minute of it was hell, but it'll be worse for you.
- The fridge in the precinct breaks down. At first, Terry doesn't think that it's a big deal. Then...
- Hitchcock and Scully bend space and time to get free food from Amy and Terry.Scully: Life finds a way.
- Holt explains that on his last time meeting Kevin's coworkers, he was responsible for causing a "kerfuffle". Flashbacks show Holt getting only mildly flustered and accidentally knocking over small floral arrangements.
- Holt explaining how he feels dumb among Kevin's group.Jake: This is insane! You're the smartest person I know!
Holt: I'll explain it to you. Among Kevin's peers, I'm the Jake.
Jake: No, no, no, no, no. I refuse to live in a world where you're the Jake. Because if you're the Jake, what does that make me? The Charles?
Holt: The Hitchcock.
Jake: The Hitchcock? Oh, my God! You dropped down so many more levels than I was expecting!
- Because he feels like such an idiot in front of the professors, Holt decides to give in and play a video game: the New York Times crossword app.Jake: Not a game.
Holt: Oh, it plays a little song when you solve it as if you've just learned to potty. [tune plays on phone] Yes, yes — play me my dunce's tune.
- Hitchcock and Scully treating their lasagna with a side of cheesy garlic bread as Serious Business.Hitchcock: You ignorant loser! Forst of all, it's not just a frozen lasagna, it's a Mama Maglione!
Scully: Second of all, it's going to take twenty-one and a half minutes. The box says twenty, but we know better than the box.
Hitchcock: You see, this microwave is a Kitchen Pro Max
Scully: Bit of a lightweight.
Hitchcock: It's only one-point-two kilowatts.
Scully: Fine for popcorn.
Hitchcock: but we're talking about Momma Magliones here.
Scully: Takes a lot to get momma hot.
Hitchcock: She's a reeeeal size queen.
Jake: Well... That started out fun, and here we are in our normal ending place: disgusting.
- Also later, when they need to cook the frozen cheesy garlic bread faster than normal.Hitchcock: THEN SET THE MOTHER F***ER TO BROIL!
- Also later, when they need to cook the frozen cheesy garlic bread faster than normal.
Return of the King
- Nikolaj writes on a whiteboard that Holt was trying to solve a complex problem on. Boyle decides to reprimand him in his own unique way.Boyle: [sternly] Nikolaj, I love you.
Nikolaj: [tearful] I'm sorry Daddy.
Cinco De Mayo
- Turns out the reason there was no Halloween Heist last year was because there was a gas main explosion. Both Jake and Holt accuse the victims of being crisis actors.
- Amy tazes Jake using the remote-operated tazer she hid in the fitbit she bought him.Jake: I thought you wanted me to get fit!
Amy: I do, but I also want to WIN! [tazes him again]
- Jake tazes Amy using the remote-operated tazer he hid in the pen he bought her.
- At the end, Terry calls out Jake and Amy for having only bought gifts that contain tazers all year.
- Terry planned everything, including disrupting the previous Heist by faking a gas main explosion. The "victims" really were crisis actors.Jake: Oh, that is a huge relief. I felt so bad about poking that guy's wound to make sure it was real.Rosa: You should still feel bad about that.Jake: No, it was all fake. I'm totally absolved.
- In the cold Open, Jake tries to prank Holt by putting black ink on his podium so his hands get messy. He gets negotiated down to moving the podium a half-inch to the left. Holt notices immediately and bursts out laughing.Holt: You're crazy! How did you pull this off?!
- After the opening credits, Holt is on the phone with Kevin, telling him all about the "amazing" prank that he was the victim of.
- Charles gets jealous when Holt refers to Caleb as Jake's "friend."Charles: I wouldn't say they're friends so much as ex-cellmates.
Jake: No... it's true, we're friends.
Charles: He ate children!
Jake: Well... people are complicated.
Charles: Well I'm Charles, I'm Jake's best friend...
- Then when they go to talk to Caleb, and he and Jake share an inside joke:
Jake: Charles. He's serving three life sentences, no need to flex.
- Caleb tells Jake and Charles about an online forum for "people who like to talk about eating human beings but definitely won't act on it, wink."
- He later advises that they use incognito mode when they go on the forum for info on their suspect, "otherwise your targeted ads will be pretty cannibal-specific."
- Boyle thinks that Jake and Amy aren't affectionate enough because he never sees them kiss. Then he looks away for a second and they kiss; they only do it when he's not looking.
- The Vulture immediately agrees to help the Nine-Nine take down Kelly, but wants it known that he's only doing it for selfish reasons.Jake: Why would you want that known?